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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my MIL she doesn't need to fight an imaginary battle for me. I tried to be appreciative of her during the discussion but my response did not go the way I intended. She was trying to stand up for me. I do appreciate that. I feel like there may have been a better way to tell her she didn't need to do this and in my attempt to make it clear there was no fight with my husband, I might have crossed into AH territory.
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NTA. Her feelings are hers to manage. You informed her of your position of this non-issue. There's not much else to do. If she's hurt you don't agree with her, that is for her to reckon.
I have a few people I'm friends with because our kids became friends and we put each other down on the pick up lists as back ups. Presumably the husband and mother could agree something like that.
It once worked out to be more convenient for one of my friends to pick the kids up, they were enthralled, stayed for dinner, and I almost needed a crowbar to get them home.
This isn’t amicable, bio mom is refusing out of spite. OP isn’t a new girlfriend, she is married to the kids’ dad and mother of their half siblings.
Unless OP is not a safe person around kids, bio mom is being petty and using this as a power play, and I guarantee there’s a bunch of other things bio mom says no about for absolutely no reason.
And unfortunately being a bad or petty parent isn't illegal. No judge is going to make a ruling on something like that when it's been an issue one time in several years
True but if it affects the kids repeatedly(not just this scenario but other situations where OP can’t be there in an emergency (like if OP was watching the kids after school and one got emergency room level hurt on accident and OP couldn’t get the kid admitted (they’d admit the kid but the kid would be alone and that’s really traumatic for a kid, if they’re in pain they want an adult they know and trust to be there and talk to the doctors which could be really scary.)) if it’s negatively affecting the kids in multiple situations then OPs husband has grounds for a modification.
He can even use this example and say “my wife needs to be able to respond during an emergency because her availability makes her the quickest person while myself and my ex are at work. There is no reason why not besides my ex trying to control things. My wife is a great stepmother and should be allowed to pick the kids up from school, and bring them to the doctors if needed.”
It really depends on the judge but most will put the kids best interests at heart.
But how does current situation differ from OP's husband staying alone a d not marrying second time? He still would've been unavailable at very same working schedule, same as all grandparents and kids' mother would have the same schedule.
A friend's ex-wife would only allow parents to pick up kids. No grandparents, no new wife or new husband. Only parents. My friend traveled a lot for work but the ex wife insisted that the kids go to his house for custody and the new wife was cool with that. The ex finally got mad that she was the only one called for both kids whether it was her custody week or not The custody agreement detailed that the kids must be picked up by one or the other parent and it reflected that he traveled a lot for work. She complained constantly how unfair it was that he didn't have to pick them up...when she was the one that set up the requirement. It ended after a few years but it was fun to watch her repeatedly get screwed over by her own pettiness
In my state, once the parent remarries, the ex-spouse has no further say over the new spouse's involvement in things like this.
At least where I'm at, even if it was stipulated and upheld that OP couldn't be on the list while a girlfriend, the judge would laugh in ex-wife's face if she tried to keep OP off the list now. (Provided the kids' father wants her on it, of course.)
So it's possible MIL might actually be onto something and that OP's husband needs to take a stand and inform his ex that this is changing.
This is good law. When the child is in the custody of one parent, that parent should have the sole authority to determine who can pick up the child. When the child is in the custody of the other parent, then the other parent has the sole authority. The only exception should be if the non-custodial parent can prove the person is a danger to the children (drives while intoxicated, a sex offender...)
She is also potentially harming her kids out of spite. If there was an emergency and only OP was available, what then? They have to wait for the people ex approved.
Great mother! 👍
I’m sure it’s been said before but I don’t think this is simply about the pickup list. She’s fighting for you as her family and might perceive your dismissive attitude (here “attitude” is meant neutrally - you’re NTA here, and I don’t think she is TA either ftr) as you not fighting for your stepkids as family. She may see herself as being more welcoming of you in her family than you are welcoming of her grandchildren - and her by extension.
Let her know you appreciate her going to bat for you, but that trying to fight the kids’ mother might not be good for the kids in the end. As you do in fact consider them family, you don’t want to put your family through more tension than what it’s worth.
This. As the mom was called petty and didn’t let anyone on the pickup list but bio family… believe me when I say I understand both sides of the situation. But even if your belief is bio mom being petty…she’s still mom and she’s uncomfortable. Her world has been turned upside down, trust. She’s lost her family and allowing you on the pick up list means she acknowledges YOU are now part of HER family…and she’s not ready for that. MIL may not have liked her very much and bio mom found that out during the divorce…it happens and it stings real bad.
You’re NTA. No one is. It’s just the fallout from divorce.
Have you guys considered just asking a lawyer if your spouse status changes anything in regards to the kids? Being a legal spouse and not just dating I would think that changes some dynamic. It doesn't hurt just to consult with a lawyer about it
There's 4 possible outcomes.
1. They don't consult, nothing changes.
2. They do consult, the lawyer says it's not a thing in their state, nothing changes.
3. They do consult, the lawyer says it is a thing and they can go to court over it, but they decide not to antagonize the co-parenting relationship, nothing changes.
4. They do consult, the lawyer says it is a thing and they can go to court over it, so they do. The ex get pissed about them making this decision for her. Maybe she demands some other concessions, maybe she starts a smear campaign to prove OP isn't safe, maybe it just means extra costs and tension for all, which the kids no doubt pick up on. OP is now 6th on the list and maybe one time do they make it that far down. Was it really worth it?
It's worth knowing to consult if something in life comes up where they expect OP to be needed more. It might be worth asking next time you have something else to consult with the family lawyer about, but by itself I just don't see any benefit to hurrying out to consult on this.
Like I said a consult doesn't hurt. Nothing has to be done but having the knowledge if something did come up its useful to have and make a decision in the future
That's a lot of time, effort, and legal fees so that you, on the very rare occasional that 6 other people are unavailable, can pick up a kid from school.
I understand her thinking it's wrong, and it is kind of ridiculous of the kids' mother, but it is what it is. Fighting it in court seems extreme. I suppose after this incident, your husband could mention it to his ex again, but if she says no, that's it.
As a grandparent, it is MIL family too. She is DEF overstepping, but it IS her business to an extent. IMHO, MIL should(and did) voice her concern, but once it was explained to her, it's her issue now. If she chooses to be willfully ignorant of the facts, SHE needs to deal with it. Not OP. Personally, I say ENTA.
I didn't say "interfere". This day and age, people have a harder time understanding how a happy, healthy family operates. Just because you grow up, and move out on your own, doesn't mean your parents stop being your parents. The ROLE changes quite a bit, but being your parent doesn't change. I have 2 "grown" kids and a teenager. My role with the two older kids is less authoritative, and more of a friend. That doesn't mean I don't give them my opinion. It is still my job as a parent to guide my children, regardless of age, the best way I can. Once they are responsible for themselves, what they do with my advice, opinion, guidance, what-have-you, is up to them and I just stand back to cheer them on no matter what they do. But to say a grandparent has "no say" or "no right". That right is decided by the person receiving the advice. That's my 2 cents.
If the courts specifically made the "both have to agree" rule I'd say your husband won't have a chance in hell that any court would rule in his favor.
He'd be wasting money and time for the same result.
If the situation where none of the people on the list are available and you are arises more often she might be inclined to add you but until then she is 100% in her legal right to not add you. Fighting her on this will only make her dig her heels in deeper
So, in MIL's opinion, you and her son should just deny a court order and press this app they can start fighting again and have MORE stipulations added? That's insane. Maybe you should explain it to get a such and all he if that's the end game here because it sounds like the judge is sick of dealing with their pettiness.
NAH - it's possible MIL is just feeling a bit embarrassed that she went so hard to defend you and it wasn't received the way she intended. The truth is, although misguided, her intentions were sweet and it is lovely that she cares so much about you. Give it a couple of days and have another conversation with her when it isn't so fresh and I'm sure you two will be able to straighten it out.
Can you maybe write her a lovely card, or take her out to lunch or for a Special Girl Bonding day out or something (maybe something new baby related?) - to really reinforce how much you LOVE that she has your back etc, even though this particular fight is one you & husband have jointly decided isn’t worth the hassle.
Great idea :) love this. Show the love.
INFO; does MIL have any insecurities, no matter how tiny, about your love/care for your step kids (her grand babies)? Then… Maybe something related to the step kids, rather than the new baby? (Or for both step and bio kids.) Just to really drive home the message of love and togetherness?
Then I have no doubt you two will be fine. Her reaction to finding out you weren't on the list was big amd bold and she just feels a bit of a fool. Have a nice talk with her and let her know how much your relationship with her means to you and how grateful you are that she so fiercely has your back and have a fresh conversation, without the heightened emotions, about why this particular fight isn't worth the energy amd why tou and your husband have decided not to pursue it further. You'll be good again in no time
NAH
I think your MIL is upset because her Grandchild was negatively affected by this situation. I do think she is misdirecting her anger over this though.
You and your husband are not at fault either, because there isn’t anything you can do about it.
NTA. I’m curious, does she not understand the legal justification for you not being on the list? Your husband could get sanctioned by the court or lose some parental rights if you both went around the custody order and went in the pick up list.
ETA. It does seem like your mother-in-law is seeking appreciation/validation from you. Maybe there are other ways to show that you appreciate her.
INFO - was this order about the pickup list entered before or after you married your husband?
Because in many states, orders limiting the involvement of or exposure to significant others no longer apply once they marry and become a legal step-parent.
This doesn’t matter to the judgment at all, but I’m just curious. Was there any carryover between you and the ex? If not, and you’re completely out of what happened between the two of them and came in later, maybe that’s why your MIL feels the need to defend you so much. I have a friend who met her husband three years after he was divorced, and yet the ex still tries to tell people that she was the reason they split, and she had never even been to his city or had any connection to him before that. In her case, she lived halfway across the country when they split, and they can prove it. Yet the ex still tries to spread that bullshit.
Anyone thinking I’m imagining some scenario here, I’m just asking. This kind of stuff does happen. Maybe mother-in-law is defending you against those kind of ideas.
This is hard and pointless, and you are handling it with such dignity. I empathize with your MIL's righteous indignation. I think I'd talk to her again, and tell her while neither you nor your husband understands the "why" behind the ex's proclamation, you can't make sense of this particular nonsense, and it isn't worth the time/money/energy equation to get it changed with the courts. My guess is that eventually, this kind of thing will happen again, and the convenience of you being available and willing will outweigh whatever power play the ex is making. It's too bad, and not good for the kids, but you are being very gracious about it. The kids will keep growing, and eventually, this will just be one of those stories about the ex that you collectively shake your heads about.
Not just pointless. Potentially counter-productive.
The ex is already a less than cooperative co-parent. Picking fights on minor issues is more likely to push her further that direction than to get her to be more cooperative.
Eventually, some major item requiring agreement will come up. If the ex has been pushed too hard on minor stuff, she may become so obstinate that she automatically says "no" on the major thing, regardless of how she really feels. Maybe its out of spite. Maybe its just reflex. Either way, the result would be the same.
If they let her have her way on some minor stuff, and she may be less inclined to say no on big things.
Plus, if it comes to it, it will demonstrate to a judge that OPs husband is not the one who is being problematic. Not constantly fighting to have their way.
NTA. You're being respectful of the court order and the agreement between your husband and his ex. My question is, who picked up the stepson when he was sick? If he had to stay longer at school because of this, it is an issue.
I think that even though this was a rare situation that no one on the pickup list was available, the issue should be revisited about having you on the pickup list, even if you're waaaay down on the list. It was not in your stepson's best interest to have to wait longer to go home.
If it was my child, I'd want him picked up sooner rather than later, especially if a trip to the pediatrician is warranted.
based on the story, op and her husband were together when he was going to court to finalize the divorce/ custody. I'm going to go out on a limb and say either they got together while he was separated/ shortly after the divorce papers were filed or she was the other woman.
As an uninvolved & underinformed spectator on the Internets, I'd say she refuses to allow OP to be on the list out of sheer spite.
Please correct me if I'm wrong.
So it’s more so the ex is still upset over the separation? I’m guessing maybe either things didn’t end well between your husband and his ex and it was a bad break up or maybe the ex is just jealous your husband moved on and is just refusing you to be on the approval list as a way to stick it to you.
In a real emergency, they'd take the kid to an ER and he'd receive care. It's the in-between stuff that really sucks -- sick kid waiting at a school to be picked up, etc.
He would receive care - at a minimum. I was babysitting a friend's daughter when she fell and busted open her knee and needed stitches. Took her to the ER (much closer than any mergi centers), and they wouldn't stitch her knee without a parent's consent because I had no paperwork authorizing me to approve care. They put a bandage on it, applied pressure, and tried to make me leave her there. I fought to stay, and they relented because she got hysterical (she was FOUR, and they wanted me to leave her there?!?!). Mom finally answered my messages, hours later (she was heading home from a work trip), and gave them permission to treat. Kid still has a jagged scar to this day, and she's 22.
Agree. Definitely not ideal, but they'll treat life threatening injuries.
Bio mom is putting her own spitefulness (deserved or undeserved) above what's best for her kids. In the end, it's always the kids that pick up the tab on their parents' inability to act like a grownup. Whatever angst and issues she has with her ex-spouse shouldn't be taken out on their kids, and I'll bet she says plenty around their little ears.
I was thinking something along the lines of say something happens to Mom, say a car accident and OP's husband is out of town on business, the ILs are three farts to the wind for whatever reason and the only available one to take the kid would be OP, they can't legally let OP take him. Similar to what happened but more long term wait periods kind of ordeal.
Your husband does need to address this with her. The child was stuck at school. If mom doesn't want you on the list then she needs to be available for ALL school hour pick ups at all times.
My brother's ex tried to state in court that she didn't want me, my husband or our mom on the pick-up list. The judge told her exactly what I just stated. If that was the case then she had to be available for all school hours at all times.
That's a shame. It should be what is in the kids' best interest. ☹ I feel badly for your stepson in that situation.
I remember the times getting sick at school (even though it was a loooooong time ago) and just wanting to get home ASAP.
NTA, but you should have explained that she's hitting the wrong target. Your husband has consented. The only thing in your way is his ex-wife. If MIL could manage to get the ex-wife to agree, it would be great.
She could play cards that you couldn't. "Which is more important to you: the safety of my grandchild or 'getting back' at your ex-husband?"
"MIL ended up telling me how sorry she was my husband was doing this to me and she told me she'd keep fighting him for me over this." Your husband ISN'T doing this to you. His ex is and you already said it isn't a big deal. She DOES understand that you are not approved for pick up because while your husband would like that his ex has said no?
"I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine." And that should have been that. NTA.
Gently remind her that you have ZERO intention of causing any friction between husband and Ex. Doing so would only give her ammunition to limit the children's time with him and her as well. Ex could very easily claim this as aggressive and petition for failure to comply with current agreements and be awarded limited or supervised visitation put against your husband. This isn't a hill to die on. Spending as much time as possible with his kids is the ultimate goal here.
He's not failing to stand up for you. The two of you made an informed decision to follow COURT orders. MIL needs to be reminded that this is about control of the children and unfortunately neither of your are their parents so it's not your control.
NTA.
It is wonderful that you and your MIL get along so well. In a calm moment, you might explain to her(once again if that is the case) that your husband and you yourself have no control over the pick up list decision. It has been decided by the judge and it will not change.
It sounds like your MIL is fighting this situation perhaps just a bit too hard. She may have felt like the ex-wife is inhibiting her in some way and this might be an opportunity that she is seizing to try to make some change - just a thought.
NT. She is likely embarrassed that she was ready to take it to the mattresses and nobody was into that, but that's just what being a mother and MIL to adult offspring is. She is also protective of a grandchild who might need another person on that pick up list. Nonetheless, you can tell her that you love it that she'd go to bat for you but this is not the place.
NAH
I mean, it’s well intentioned and sweet, so I wouldn’t get too upset about it. It’s clear she cares a lot for you. But also, it’s wholly negligent for baby mama to keep you off the list. You all do seem to have a lot of options for PU, but as you can see, shit happens, so it would be better to have one more name on the list in case this happens again.
As an aside, I think sometimes NOT being on the list would be a blessing. *‘Sorry, not on the list!’*
NTA. She clearly started with good intentions, but she should've accepted your husband's explanation and left it at that. You were super nice about it too.
If she doesn't let this go, then *she'll* be the one causing problems: between you and your husband, between him and his ex, between you and his ex, him and his mother, you and MIL, and possibly even legal trouble for the 3 of you regarding custody of his kids. She needs to STOP, this is none of her business, never was. At this point she's downright meddling.
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I love my MIL genuinely. She was always very kind and accepting to me and she was never the crazy MIL who didn't want her son with anyone, or who compared me to an ex or something. She also never interfered before which is why this is so difficult for me.
So this is about her issue with me not being on the pick up list for my stepkids at school or activities. This is not something my husband just decided I couldn't do. Both my husband and the mother of my stepkids need to agree and sign off on a person being added to the pick up lists. This is outlined in their custody order that was set by the judge. The reason for this rule is simple; when their relationship first ended they disagreed a lot and carried on for too long so a judge stepped in and made the rule that both needed to agree or else. It's that simple. And while my husband did ask his ex for me to be added, she said no. So I don't go on the pick up list. It's that simple. A judge backed her no since it fits with the "both parents must agree".
Is it a pain sometimes? Yes. Is it something I'm extremely bothered by? No. I knew before we got married that she would not agree to me being on that list or anybody my husband is with. His ex is just not okay with that. What that means is when the kids are sick, I am never called. It means I cannot pick them up from school early for any reason and I cannot pick them up from school or an activity in general because they only release them to people on the list (their school is very high security).
This is something MIL became more aware of last month when my stepson got sick in school and needed someone to pick him up. My husband and stepkids mom was not around, neither was her mom, and my MIL and FIL were out of town when they got the call. She suggested I be called and found out I was not allowed to because I'm not on the list. She went to my husband and tore him a new one for not approving me for this. She said he married me and had a child with me, almost two (I'm expecting again) and if he trusts me that much he can add me to the list. He explained why he couldn't, which is something she was aware of. But MIL said he was showing no consideration or trust in me.
MIL ended up telling me how sorry she was my husband was doing this to me and she told me she'd keep fighting him for me over this. I told her there was no need for her to fight for me, that it's not a battle to me, and I understand. She said but I need someone to fight this battle when I could be accused of being too pushy. And I told her she doesn't need to fight an imaginary battle because that's all this would be. There was no dispute between me and my husband over this. I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine. She was upset. She told me she felt like I was brushing off how much she cares about me and wants the best for me with my stepkids. I notice ever since she has looked very hurt.
AITA?
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NTA.
If she’s hurt about this, that’s her problem.
You need to be honest with MIL and tell her that she’s right, you are brushing her off. You’re doing so because it’s a non-issue for you and your husband and you don’t need her telling you what should be an issue for you. You’re an adult and if you have an issue, then you will handle it. By continuing to fight battles that don’t exist, she’s actually treating you like a child.
NTA. Of course. I have no idea what happened between the ex'es, but talk about the Ex cutting off her nose to spite her face - god forbid she makes it easier for the entire family to provide emergency child care.
I am wondering if there is any part of your MiL's complete weird Hill to Die On here that stems from her not wanting to be bothered to pick them up again. Just a thought.
Your MIL is expressing fear as anger. She's having nightmare scenarios play out in her head in which her grandchildren are seriously injured, or left standing in the cold and dark for hours on end, because none of the approved adults are available and you're not allowed because her son hasn't fought hard enough. She doesn't want to say so and give everyone else the same terrors because she's a fundamentally kind person. But she's also not entirely wrong.
Maybe someone, even the MIL, can nudge the school to suggest to BOTH parents that there be further alternative adults since this has happened once already, and then perhaps the ex will relent. But by the judge's ruling, it's a two yeses, one no situation and that's that.
INFO: Does the ex also have a current spouse? If so, would that person also be permitted to pick up the kids? Is the real issue that your husband is the only one who has moved on?
Please thank your MIL for her concern. Tell her it's valid but that it's been litigated and there's nothing to be done except maybe suggest that the school reach out to the parents for other possibilities and that she's wonderful for being such an involved Grandma.
NTA.
Yeah, so I figured. If she also had a spouse she'd probably be okay with you or her own mate doing pickups. But since she's single, and it's uneven, she's unwilling to give more opportunity to her ex's side than her own. Petty, but I also kinda get it. It could mess up the custody schedule or something.
NTA.
The judge isn't going to change anything unless both parents agree, or there's some kind of demonstrable harm to the kids (e.g., kids repeatedly needed to be picked up for emergencies but wasn't getting picked up bc OP wasn't in the list -- obviously that isn't happening here).
Your mom needs to take a step back and take a breath. Is there some other reason she doesn't like your husband? Or is there some conflict your mom is having with her husband that she's projecting onto you, OP?
NTA. You're not brushing off how much she cares; you're telling her that this expression of "care" is in danger of becoming toxic. She needs to take a step back and not bully your husband about something he hasn't done to you and cannot change. Making trouble for him isn't an act of support for you.
If it works, there's no need to fix it. It's sucks for the MIL bc she cares, but it's just one of those things that's not worth getting into. Just have to bear and grin. It is what it is. So, definitely not the a-hole in this situation.
Nta. This is an issue for the ex wife, not for husband or you. Mil is misdirecting her anger. I'm assuming someone has pointed this out, but husband should also say that you and he have to choose your battles when it comes to custody with ex, and this isn't the hill you want to die on when it comes to custody arrangements, that you have both, together, recognised that this issue isn't worth stirring up the kids mum about. Reassure her that you're so glad she's on your side but also ask her to pick your side by recognising this is the least if your concerns for the kids.
Heck, if she's really that upset about it, she can always try malicious compliance by refusing to pick up the kids when bio mum is unable to pick up kids on her time, and force her to abandon her plans to pick up kids. Only when it's inconvenient for her for you not to be on the list will this battle be won
NTA-You have a good mil, but just continue to reassure her that you appreciate her care, but it’s not something to be worry over and not a problem for you so she should not worry. That is just not the hill to choose.
NTA but, this is really between MIL and husband. He's the one she's disagreeing with about the way he is handling the situation, and he needs to be the one to draw boundaries with her. You'll need to start greyrocking her when she approaches you about the situation.
NAH.
I think your MIL is right to bring this up, but she's fighting with the wrong person (your husband). This is a situation where, even though it's completely rare, the kids need a backup. One day, it's because a child is sick, but the next day, it could be from a school extracurricular activity or a field trip. However, I completely understand why you don't want her to fight, especially given that having to take things all the way back up court will just make it a lengthy process that may or may not lead anywhere.
No but i understand MILs pov. you’ve been the childrens step parent for how long? and now the mother of 2 of their half siblings. i feel like that should give some level of trust and respect. when the kids are with their dad, theyre with u too. idk i feel like u also should have a conversation, woman to woman, with biomum.
Sounds like you have a wonderful MIL. Maybe bring up the topic again and explain you don't want the battle fought because you don't want ex agreeing to it and taking away something else in retaliation that hurts the kids even more. That you just want to let sleeping dogs lie.
NAH. MIL is looking out for you and the kids. It is nice that you have reached the point of acceptance here but this is new to her and she isn’t there yet. She will get there.
MIL is right though. You should be on the list for this exact reason. There was a sick child that needed his step mom because no one else was available and you couldn’t because the bio-mom was being petty.
However, I am not sure it is worth the expense of going back to court since this will rarely come up.
NTA
MIL needs to step down. She's not really fighting for you, she's fighting for her grandbabies to be properly cared for in all circumstances. I applaud MIL. She's fierce and gives no slack. She's gotta step back this time tho.
I understand bio mom's view that steps don't go on the list. You could divorce tomorrow and never see her kids again. You could go crazy. Who knows. But with that comes the caveat that she doesn't have the step mother to pick up her kids when she can't do it. She made that bed.
You are well within your right to wash your hands of it. There's a cross-stitch pillow somewhere that says Not my circus, not my monkeys. That's your pillow.
NTA.
Know who is? Your husband and his ex.
If they want to ensure that you aren’t on the pickup list (if he won’t advocate for that) then they don’t get to be unavailable for their sick kids
Talk to your husband about it first. Let him know this is strictly MIL point of view and then I’d tell her he already tried to push for you but bio mom didn’t budge and a judge agreed. That if she continues this argument you’ll have to limit contact. But the kids getting sick is a legit reason to be able to get them. I’d sit back down and ask her that what if the situation arose again but it became more serious and even propose you will only get them in times of emergencies or something. That way she knows it’ll only be for upmost important times and otherwise you’ll stay out of regular carpool times
NTA. Tell MIL that you completely agree that you should be on the pickup list but that it's in the custody/divorce agreement from the judge and really has nothing to do with your husband. You appreciate her being upset on your behalf, but no amount of upset is going to change ex's mind, and that's what it comes down to. Your husband wants you on the list, but ex doesn't so the judge said no go. For your husband to try to bring this back to court, means lawyers, $$ and time away from work etc. And in the end it likely won't matter if the ex doesn't agree.
NAH. I can understand MIL's initial reaction, since she didn't really know/understand the details, and she's probably embarrassed. Hopefully she'll cool off and you can have a productive conversation about it. Personally, I would thank her for wanting to stand up for me, but let her know that the overall goal is the kids' happiness and stability, and this isn't something to go back to court over.
NAH. You sound like a bunch of decent people. And she seems to care for you a great deal. I hope this blows over between you two. You were right to intervene, and she means no harm in intervening.
NAH. I'm glad your MIL stands up for what's right on her mind, but she clearly doesn't understand that the only person that can change this is the ex-wife.
I would try to explain that her anger is misdirected, not unwanted. It's the ex that is preventing this decision, not you nor your husband. It's strange to me she's putting the fault on him. 🫠
First if all NTA.
I'm wondering if there's something else going on for your MIL, why is this such a big issue for her? Perhaps it's linked to something else, is she worried about your husband or her grandchild or something else going on? Might be worth asking to see if you can find out and help her feel calmer?
NTA.
But I don't really get why MIL is focusing on what it means to you, instead of what it means to her grandson? Who was sick and couldn't be picked up easily?
(I am curious how it was resolved that time)
NTA. But it’s so crazy to me why a mother would be this spiteful and hurt her children. This is why I think blended families rarely work. Yes, some do but you always have at least one person willing to do anything to hurt their ex and in the process hurt the kids. Or one parent poisons the kid against the new step parent to make life difficult.
"MIL, I love that you love me this much, but please don't put that energy here. If you want, we can go to lunch sometime and talk about how dumb it is, but it's already decided. We aren't going to rock this boat."
NTA
NTA. It's not "help" when the person you're supposedly "helping" tells you to stop. She was nice to go to bat for you and take her anger out on your husband rather than you, but after hearing your side, she needs to back off.
NTA
So your MIL doesn’t understand that she shouldn’t be angry at her son about this simply because he has no control over it. If anything, your MIL should be angry at her ex-daughter-in-law. I don’t understand why she can’t realize that her son has no control over this.
The bio mom sounds like a real PIA.
NAH. MIL is making a mountain out of a molehill, but she sees how ridiculous it is that the ex is being this way. Unfortunately at this point, going back to court over this tiny thing would be to ask the judge to change his mind which is basically asking him to say he was wrong. Huge waste of time and money. He's not going to change his mind. Maybe if you explained it that way she would understand it better.
NTA. You told her how much you love and appreciate her. Did you mention a judge already sided with the mother? theres nothing for your husband to fight.
NAH Your MIL is crossing boundaries and getting it wrong but damn, I wish mine cared about me this much! She's doing the wrong thing for all the right reasons.
I'd just let it go. If you and your husband are on the same page, just thank her and gently laugh it off between you as being a non-issue when she brings it up. Worst case, your husband can stand up to his own mother.
NTA. Clearly your mil doesn't understand choosing your battles. Tell your husband what she's said so he's not blindsided. Next time she brings it up tell her you're taking the topic off the table. After that 'asked and answered.'
NTA. It’s nobody’s fault she doesn’t understand but her own. It’s likely she’s a boomer so she won’t come around to the reality of the situation. I love that she loves you and is willing to advocate for you; that’s fantastic, just not applicable to this situation.
There was a very serious issue, of NO ONE being able to deal with the children, over a crazy ex’s pettiness. I would be livid, as a grandmother. Speaking to her son was okay, she was venting, but now she needs to drop it
NTA
Honestly, doing nothing is technically alright "fighting the battle" for you. Bet the step kids mom felt like a real idiot when the ONLY person who could have picked up her sick kids wasn't allowed, by her own words.
INFO: I'm waffling- how sick was stepson? Did he get picked up or have to stay? Because as someone who has experienced the issue of both parents unavailable and having to stay at school after puking/sick, that sucks, especially if it could have been avoided by you picking him up. There can't be some "in case of all these people" clause the ex can agree to for the benefit of the kids?
Otherwise, (NTA) because ultimately it's an issue between you and your husband and the courts. And if you have no problem with it and all parties are civil it's said and done.
NAH. I get why she’s upset, but I also understand why you don’t feel it’s worth the time and money to fight about.
I am curious about what happened to your stepson that day. How long did he have to wait until someone could pick him up?
NAH (other than the ex-wife)
Your MIL wanted to stand up for you. She was told clearly that there is nothing she needs to stand up for. As long as she respects that, she's not an ah, either. Just keep being your normal, loving, appreciative self with her. She might need a little time to process the wrong that she perceives you and your husband allowing.
NTA
Your MIL is trying to "gift" you a package of her concern and willingness to argue for you against her son. The problem is that you do not want this "gift" and she isn't listening.
So it's not a "gift" at all. It's imposing her values on you and your husband. Implying she knows better than you what you want/need in your married life. So actually an insult, although unintended.
Try presenting this perspective to her and see if it gets through to her closed mind.
NTA. She just needs more love and appreciation from you about this. Many people raised female, particularly moms, from earlier generations than yours put more of their self-worth in how they parent than many people raised female now.
She just wants you to know how much she cares about you and that she WOULD fight for you. To me it sounds like she just wants to feel close with you, and like you are a team, so she manufactured a common enemy.
It's possible to keep that closeness, and appreciate her Mama Bear ways, without your accepting help that you neither need nor want. If it were me (assuming you are willing to do this for her), I would choose to bring it up here and there, in other contexts, how fiercely she would fight for you and how much you appreciate her wanting what's best for you. She'll get the message.
NTA. No one is, except possibly the ex. You and your husband will have to have a sit-down with his mom to explain the ruling.
That aside, you are so incredibly lucky to have such a gem of a MIL. I wish mine had been even half that accepting and loving.
NTA.
But your husband’s ex needs to have a third back-up when she can’t pick up. She simply can’t go away at the same time as her mom. It must have been awful when your stepson couldn’t go home when sick. I know you can’t make her do that. But that’s just bad parenting to not think ahead like that.
NAH except the ex. DH may have to be the one to sit MIL down and explain things to her if you can't get through.
Best anyone can do at this point is sit back and wait until the situation inconveniences the ex one too many times and the issue will resolve itself.
My DH's ex practically had an aneurysm when I dared to pick up an Rx for one of the kids. Fine. When the time came around for a refill, and they happened to be with us, I refused to get it as DH wasn't available (we had enough left for their time with us, so they weren't going to miss a dose.) When we returned the kids to her without the refill she threw a tantrum because now SHE had to go get it and pay the co-pay. Can't have it both ways, psycho.
nta
fellow step parent here, i was only added on pick up list for my step sons when their mom almost got them kicked out from our posh school district for repeatedly dropping them off late that they went to investigate and found out she was living in another school district boundaries
and it was just to pick them up on 'our days' but i am not on the list anymore, not a fight i am willing to fight, its the bio parents problem
NTAH...it's really not her business and honestly it's one less thing to worry about for you ..you are very busy already I'm sure. This acting " hurt" business is manipulative,
tell her it's between you and your husband...and move on...if she wants to act hurt that's on her. Ignore it.
I suspect for OP’s mother in law this is about a lot more than the pick up list. She was hurt somehow in the divorce or by the ex wife and she isn’t over it.
There is only one AH here and that is your husband’s ex. Surely now that this situation has actually occurred she should be thinking of her children and not of herself? Your husband could go back to the judge and argue that you should be added to the list but realistically SHE should add you. If you aren’t added your husband or your MIL has evidence to contact CPS because she is effectively neglecting her children if she refuses to allow you to collect them when they are sick because of her stupid boundaries.
Ugh, this likely has so many layers. MIL obviously cares for you and feels you've been slighted. Dollars to donuts MIL _doesn't_ like the ex, she cannot confront the ex about the injustice, and her only outlet is her son. You obviously know that your husband's hands are tied, and even if he did fight, it's a damn hassle.
This will pass, but reassure MIL that you value your relationship with her.
NTA.
Nobody's an AH here. Maybe ex wife but maybe she has her reasons, I didn't know (not having anything to do with OP).
Sit your MIL down and have a heart to heart and tell her how much she means to you and how much it means to you that she is willing to go to bat for you like this, but this specific situation isn't worth the energy and headache.
Sit
Did your stepson have to just stay at school sick? Ok, I saw in a comment that he did. Maybe your husband should put on the list to bring up in court that his ex-wife should be required to always be available to pick up the kid since she she is so restrictive about the list.
What is it with some people! Just stop already MIL. Your help is neither needed nor appreciated here. You and your husband have this under control. Tell your husband to impress upon her that she needs to step back from this.
NAH. It must have been awful to get that call, know the kid was suffering, and be powerless to do anything to help. Honestly if the ex is going to be that particular about it, then she should stay close in case of emergencies.
As a stepmother I totally get it.
He needs to take these examples to court next time so that the judge can see there is ridiculous bias.
If her husband is on the list then you should be as well.
But your MIL is just wanting to protect you and wants to ensure you know you are cared for.
She wants to do this imaginary battle with... your husband? She hasn't figured out it would have to be with his ex-?
Point out that her imaginary battle is with the wrong person.
NTA
>I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine. She was upset. She told me she felt like I was brushing off how much she cares about me and wants the best for me
sounds like your MIL is taking something unrelated to her and making it all about her. you're NTA
NTA (also not the MIL but lowkey your husband and the ex)
Is cute she is trying so hard to help you. I think maybe it explains it a bit better to get if you try a funny yet rational approach to explain why you are not bothered.
In the end the only people are making their lives harder are the parents. They are the ones who need to always find a workaround for picking up without the option for you to step in. Children sick? Not your problem. They need to make an appointment that clashes with picking a kid up? Yeah. Maybe they have to go at a later time. You need not care. And so on.
It doesn't really limit your option to interact with the kids. You are just free from an annoying duty because no one could even ask you for that.
I would be upset if your husband said no, but seems he just think it's not worth it to die on exactly that hill and he is right.
So maybe just tell her with a grin "pssst! Don't make them put me on the list or else i will have to pick them all them time when they get lazy" 😂
Or is it possible she just is fed up cause she is always the one who needs to step in is something unexpected comes up?
I think it's less about you and more a problem if one of the kids needs to be picked up for whatever reason and no one else van do it - as happened during her recent vacation. Who ended up getting your stepson? How long did he wait at school while sick?
Nah. But find it hard to believe the court would just say “ok, that’s fine” to excluding a step parent the kids are with (assuming) 50% of the time. Your husband needs to step up and press this with the court. His Ex is being unnecessarily difficult and it is hurting the children. Even if this happens once, that’s too much. She needs to at least agree to add you and you can be the last resort when all other options are exhausted but imo there shouldn’t be restrictions
Wow is you. Add another person to the list other than you and get off here and stop whining. You knew the agreement when you married your husband. You would always just be wife. You are not their stepmother even in the court of law. People on the internet do not know how to brush past the bs and the changing stories of OPs
NTA
But have you ever tried having just a lunch with the ex wife and having a conversation. You know say X situation arose where 3 contacts were not available would it be possible I be the 4th contact in case of emergency.
is your MIL an idiot? im not sure what she expects your husband to do in this situation. how are her actions helping? yeah its fucked up but she should go complain incessantly about it to the mother of the kids if its that important to her.
It is ironic that your mother-in-law's sincere desire to not be an asshole turned her into an asshole on this topic.
I appreciate her, and am glad she supports you like this – and if you and your husband actually were bothered, she *would* be in a better position to advocate for this. But you aren't bothered, and she is accidentally an asshole for pushing it.
NTA
"My husband and stepkids mom was not around, neither was her mom, and my MIL and FIL were out of town when they got the call. "
What do you mean they were not around? Your in-laws were literally out of town, yet they picked up. Why the hell didn't your husband pick up? Did he see it was the school calling and didn't want to deal with it so decided to let them call ex? And ex and ex's mom did the same?
NTA. But your husband and ex seem to be.
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INFO: what did your MIL say when you told her that it's her former daughter-in-law who is the one objecting to you being approved for pick-ups?
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Little extreme for a situation that would rarely come up. How often are the mother, father, and both grandparents unavailable?
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NTA. Her feelings are hers to manage. You informed her of your position of this non-issue. There's not much else to do. If she's hurt you don't agree with her, that is for her to reckon.
But what did the kids need? This seems pretty unfair to them.
Maybe this situation will make the parents, particularly the mother of her step kids, consider putting OP on the list.
I have a few people I'm friends with because our kids became friends and we put each other down on the pick up lists as back ups. Presumably the husband and mother could agree something like that. It once worked out to be more convenient for one of my friends to pick the kids up, they were enthralled, stayed for dinner, and I almost needed a crowbar to get them home.
So basically destroy any amicable coparenting they have managed to figure out over something you don’t care about. She needs to calm down. NTA
This isn’t amicable, bio mom is refusing out of spite. OP isn’t a new girlfriend, she is married to the kids’ dad and mother of their half siblings. Unless OP is not a safe person around kids, bio mom is being petty and using this as a power play, and I guarantee there’s a bunch of other things bio mom says no about for absolutely no reason.
And unfortunately being a bad or petty parent isn't illegal. No judge is going to make a ruling on something like that when it's been an issue one time in several years
True but if it affects the kids repeatedly(not just this scenario but other situations where OP can’t be there in an emergency (like if OP was watching the kids after school and one got emergency room level hurt on accident and OP couldn’t get the kid admitted (they’d admit the kid but the kid would be alone and that’s really traumatic for a kid, if they’re in pain they want an adult they know and trust to be there and talk to the doctors which could be really scary.)) if it’s negatively affecting the kids in multiple situations then OPs husband has grounds for a modification. He can even use this example and say “my wife needs to be able to respond during an emergency because her availability makes her the quickest person while myself and my ex are at work. There is no reason why not besides my ex trying to control things. My wife is a great stepmother and should be allowed to pick the kids up from school, and bring them to the doctors if needed.” It really depends on the judge but most will put the kids best interests at heart.
But how does current situation differ from OP's husband staying alone a d not marrying second time? He still would've been unavailable at very same working schedule, same as all grandparents and kids' mother would have the same schedule.
A friend's ex-wife would only allow parents to pick up kids. No grandparents, no new wife or new husband. Only parents. My friend traveled a lot for work but the ex wife insisted that the kids go to his house for custody and the new wife was cool with that. The ex finally got mad that she was the only one called for both kids whether it was her custody week or not The custody agreement detailed that the kids must be picked up by one or the other parent and it reflected that he traveled a lot for work. She complained constantly how unfair it was that he didn't have to pick them up...when she was the one that set up the requirement. It ended after a few years but it was fun to watch her repeatedly get screwed over by her own pettiness
In my state, once the parent remarries, the ex-spouse has no further say over the new spouse's involvement in things like this. At least where I'm at, even if it was stipulated and upheld that OP couldn't be on the list while a girlfriend, the judge would laugh in ex-wife's face if she tried to keep OP off the list now. (Provided the kids' father wants her on it, of course.) So it's possible MIL might actually be onto something and that OP's husband needs to take a stand and inform his ex that this is changing.
This is good law. When the child is in the custody of one parent, that parent should have the sole authority to determine who can pick up the child. When the child is in the custody of the other parent, then the other parent has the sole authority. The only exception should be if the non-custodial parent can prove the person is a danger to the children (drives while intoxicated, a sex offender...)
That may well be, but as OP and husband are able to live with the situation, it seems like a bad and expensive idea to start a court battle about it.
She is also potentially harming her kids out of spite. If there was an emergency and only OP was available, what then? They have to wait for the people ex approved. Great mother! 👍
That’s a really good point!
There is no amicable coparenting if the ex is refusing this.
There are truces though. And there are things you don’t break the truce over, not when you’re dealing with a crazy ex.
I think this is worth it. The ex needs to mind her own business and not interfere during the times the husband has custody.
If the judge upheld her no, surely that means he DID take it to court already and lost?
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I’m sure it’s been said before but I don’t think this is simply about the pickup list. She’s fighting for you as her family and might perceive your dismissive attitude (here “attitude” is meant neutrally - you’re NTA here, and I don’t think she is TA either ftr) as you not fighting for your stepkids as family. She may see herself as being more welcoming of you in her family than you are welcoming of her grandchildren - and her by extension. Let her know you appreciate her going to bat for you, but that trying to fight the kids’ mother might not be good for the kids in the end. As you do in fact consider them family, you don’t want to put your family through more tension than what it’s worth.
This. As the mom was called petty and didn’t let anyone on the pickup list but bio family… believe me when I say I understand both sides of the situation. But even if your belief is bio mom being petty…she’s still mom and she’s uncomfortable. Her world has been turned upside down, trust. She’s lost her family and allowing you on the pick up list means she acknowledges YOU are now part of HER family…and she’s not ready for that. MIL may not have liked her very much and bio mom found that out during the divorce…it happens and it stings real bad. You’re NTA. No one is. It’s just the fallout from divorce.
100% agreed!
Sure, but then it’s already been addressed in court.
Have you guys considered just asking a lawyer if your spouse status changes anything in regards to the kids? Being a legal spouse and not just dating I would think that changes some dynamic. It doesn't hurt just to consult with a lawyer about it
There's 4 possible outcomes. 1. They don't consult, nothing changes. 2. They do consult, the lawyer says it's not a thing in their state, nothing changes. 3. They do consult, the lawyer says it is a thing and they can go to court over it, but they decide not to antagonize the co-parenting relationship, nothing changes. 4. They do consult, the lawyer says it is a thing and they can go to court over it, so they do. The ex get pissed about them making this decision for her. Maybe she demands some other concessions, maybe she starts a smear campaign to prove OP isn't safe, maybe it just means extra costs and tension for all, which the kids no doubt pick up on. OP is now 6th on the list and maybe one time do they make it that far down. Was it really worth it? It's worth knowing to consult if something in life comes up where they expect OP to be needed more. It might be worth asking next time you have something else to consult with the family lawyer about, but by itself I just don't see any benefit to hurrying out to consult on this.
Like I said a consult doesn't hurt. Nothing has to be done but having the knowledge if something did come up its useful to have and make a decision in the future
That's a lot of time, effort, and legal fees so that you, on the very rare occasional that 6 other people are unavailable, can pick up a kid from school. I understand her thinking it's wrong, and it is kind of ridiculous of the kids' mother, but it is what it is. Fighting it in court seems extreme. I suppose after this incident, your husband could mention it to his ex again, but if she says no, that's it.
It’s none of her business and she should stay out of it. Your husband is following court order. There’s nothing he can do about it.
As a grandparent, it is MIL family too. She is DEF overstepping, but it IS her business to an extent. IMHO, MIL should(and did) voice her concern, but once it was explained to her, it's her issue now. If she chooses to be willfully ignorant of the facts, SHE needs to deal with it. Not OP. Personally, I say ENTA.
Grandparents have no say on how parents rear their children. They have no right to interfere. It doesn’t matter how they feel.
I didn't say "interfere". This day and age, people have a harder time understanding how a happy, healthy family operates. Just because you grow up, and move out on your own, doesn't mean your parents stop being your parents. The ROLE changes quite a bit, but being your parent doesn't change. I have 2 "grown" kids and a teenager. My role with the two older kids is less authoritative, and more of a friend. That doesn't mean I don't give them my opinion. It is still my job as a parent to guide my children, regardless of age, the best way I can. Once they are responsible for themselves, what they do with my advice, opinion, guidance, what-have-you, is up to them and I just stand back to cheer them on no matter what they do. But to say a grandparent has "no say" or "no right". That right is decided by the person receiving the advice. That's my 2 cents.
They should when they are expected to pick up a sick or injured grandchild because one of the parents won't let the stepparent do it.
Unless she's willing to foot the bill for your husband to do this, it's honestly really none of her business.
why would she want to drag her grandkids through more of that nonsense?
He should be taking this matter to court and getting the order changed.
She may feel hurt couse she wanted to include you in the circle of people who she trust in around her grandkids. I understand your point but hers too.
If the courts specifically made the "both have to agree" rule I'd say your husband won't have a chance in hell that any court would rule in his favor. He'd be wasting money and time for the same result. If the situation where none of the people on the list are available and you are arises more often she might be inclined to add you but until then she is 100% in her legal right to not add you. Fighting her on this will only make her dig her heels in deeper
I mean if he refuses to do that AND won’t ensure he or his ex are constantly available for emergencies then yeah he’s an AH but not to you.
So, in MIL's opinion, you and her son should just deny a court order and press this app they can start fighting again and have MORE stipulations added? That's insane. Maybe you should explain it to get a such and all he if that's the end game here because it sounds like the judge is sick of dealing with their pettiness.
NAH - it's possible MIL is just feeling a bit embarrassed that she went so hard to defend you and it wasn't received the way she intended. The truth is, although misguided, her intentions were sweet and it is lovely that she cares so much about you. Give it a couple of days and have another conversation with her when it isn't so fresh and I'm sure you two will be able to straighten it out.
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Can you maybe write her a lovely card, or take her out to lunch or for a Special Girl Bonding day out or something (maybe something new baby related?) - to really reinforce how much you LOVE that she has your back etc, even though this particular fight is one you & husband have jointly decided isn’t worth the hassle.
Great idea :) love this. Show the love. INFO; does MIL have any insecurities, no matter how tiny, about your love/care for your step kids (her grand babies)? Then… Maybe something related to the step kids, rather than the new baby? (Or for both step and bio kids.) Just to really drive home the message of love and togetherness?
Then I have no doubt you two will be fine. Her reaction to finding out you weren't on the list was big amd bold and she just feels a bit of a fool. Have a nice talk with her and let her know how much your relationship with her means to you and how grateful you are that she so fiercely has your back and have a fresh conversation, without the heightened emotions, about why this particular fight isn't worth the energy amd why tou and your husband have decided not to pursue it further. You'll be good again in no time
NAH I think your MIL is upset because her Grandchild was negatively affected by this situation. I do think she is misdirecting her anger over this though. You and your husband are not at fault either, because there isn’t anything you can do about it.
Right, MIL should be addressing this with ex DIL. No one else. She needs to just let it rest.
NTA. I’m curious, does she not understand the legal justification for you not being on the list? Your husband could get sanctioned by the court or lose some parental rights if you both went around the custody order and went in the pick up list. ETA. It does seem like your mother-in-law is seeking appreciation/validation from you. Maybe there are other ways to show that you appreciate her.
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Not responsible! That kind of stress is not good for a pregnant mama.
INFO - was this order about the pickup list entered before or after you married your husband? Because in many states, orders limiting the involvement of or exposure to significant others no longer apply once they marry and become a legal step-parent.
Especially if the kid gets sick and dad/mom aren't there. Poor kid being stuck at school sick when a perfectly good step-parent was available
NAH as far as I can see (except perhaps your husband and ex needing update things for practicality's sake). seems a sucky circumstance.
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how long ago was it last addressed with ex - is she still hostile with you?
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This doesn’t matter to the judgment at all, but I’m just curious. Was there any carryover between you and the ex? If not, and you’re completely out of what happened between the two of them and came in later, maybe that’s why your MIL feels the need to defend you so much. I have a friend who met her husband three years after he was divorced, and yet the ex still tries to tell people that she was the reason they split, and she had never even been to his city or had any connection to him before that. In her case, she lived halfway across the country when they split, and they can prove it. Yet the ex still tries to spread that bullshit. Anyone thinking I’m imagining some scenario here, I’m just asking. This kind of stuff does happen. Maybe mother-in-law is defending you against those kind of ideas.
This is hard and pointless, and you are handling it with such dignity. I empathize with your MIL's righteous indignation. I think I'd talk to her again, and tell her while neither you nor your husband understands the "why" behind the ex's proclamation, you can't make sense of this particular nonsense, and it isn't worth the time/money/energy equation to get it changed with the courts. My guess is that eventually, this kind of thing will happen again, and the convenience of you being available and willing will outweigh whatever power play the ex is making. It's too bad, and not good for the kids, but you are being very gracious about it. The kids will keep growing, and eventually, this will just be one of those stories about the ex that you collectively shake your heads about.
Not just pointless. Potentially counter-productive. The ex is already a less than cooperative co-parent. Picking fights on minor issues is more likely to push her further that direction than to get her to be more cooperative. Eventually, some major item requiring agreement will come up. If the ex has been pushed too hard on minor stuff, she may become so obstinate that she automatically says "no" on the major thing, regardless of how she really feels. Maybe its out of spite. Maybe its just reflex. Either way, the result would be the same. If they let her have her way on some minor stuff, and she may be less inclined to say no on big things. Plus, if it comes to it, it will demonstrate to a judge that OPs husband is not the one who is being problematic. Not constantly fighting to have their way.
NTA. You're being respectful of the court order and the agreement between your husband and his ex. My question is, who picked up the stepson when he was sick? If he had to stay longer at school because of this, it is an issue.
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I think that even though this was a rare situation that no one on the pickup list was available, the issue should be revisited about having you on the pickup list, even if you're waaaay down on the list. It was not in your stepson's best interest to have to wait longer to go home. If it was my child, I'd want him picked up sooner rather than later, especially if a trip to the pediatrician is warranted.
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Just curious do either of you know why she’s so against you being on the list of approved pick ups?
based on the story, op and her husband were together when he was going to court to finalize the divorce/ custody. I'm going to go out on a limb and say either they got together while he was separated/ shortly after the divorce papers were filed or she was the other woman.
As an uninvolved & underinformed spectator on the Internets, I'd say she refuses to allow OP to be on the list out of sheer spite. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
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So it’s more so the ex is still upset over the separation? I’m guessing maybe either things didn’t end well between your husband and his ex and it was a bad break up or maybe the ex is just jealous your husband moved on and is just refusing you to be on the approval list as a way to stick it to you.
If that's the case she's the one that needs to drop whatever she's doing to pick up her children. NAH
And all that's fine, when the devil comes due and it's a real emergency, it's going to suck something fierce, but that's on her.
In a real emergency, they'd take the kid to an ER and he'd receive care. It's the in-between stuff that really sucks -- sick kid waiting at a school to be picked up, etc.
He would receive care - at a minimum. I was babysitting a friend's daughter when she fell and busted open her knee and needed stitches. Took her to the ER (much closer than any mergi centers), and they wouldn't stitch her knee without a parent's consent because I had no paperwork authorizing me to approve care. They put a bandage on it, applied pressure, and tried to make me leave her there. I fought to stay, and they relented because she got hysterical (she was FOUR, and they wanted me to leave her there?!?!). Mom finally answered my messages, hours later (she was heading home from a work trip), and gave them permission to treat. Kid still has a jagged scar to this day, and she's 22.
Agree. Definitely not ideal, but they'll treat life threatening injuries. Bio mom is putting her own spitefulness (deserved or undeserved) above what's best for her kids. In the end, it's always the kids that pick up the tab on their parents' inability to act like a grownup. Whatever angst and issues she has with her ex-spouse shouldn't be taken out on their kids, and I'll bet she says plenty around their little ears.
I was thinking something along the lines of say something happens to Mom, say a car accident and OP's husband is out of town on business, the ILs are three farts to the wind for whatever reason and the only available one to take the kid would be OP, they can't legally let OP take him. Similar to what happened but more long term wait periods kind of ordeal.
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Your husband does need to address this with her. The child was stuck at school. If mom doesn't want you on the list then she needs to be available for ALL school hour pick ups at all times. My brother's ex tried to state in court that she didn't want me, my husband or our mom on the pick-up list. The judge told her exactly what I just stated. If that was the case then she had to be available for all school hours at all times.
That's a shame. It should be what is in the kids' best interest. ☹ I feel badly for your stepson in that situation. I remember the times getting sick at school (even though it was a loooooong time ago) and just wanting to get home ASAP.
NTA, but you should have explained that she's hitting the wrong target. Your husband has consented. The only thing in your way is his ex-wife. If MIL could manage to get the ex-wife to agree, it would be great. She could play cards that you couldn't. "Which is more important to you: the safety of my grandchild or 'getting back' at your ex-husband?"
"MIL ended up telling me how sorry she was my husband was doing this to me and she told me she'd keep fighting him for me over this." Your husband ISN'T doing this to you. His ex is and you already said it isn't a big deal. She DOES understand that you are not approved for pick up because while your husband would like that his ex has said no? "I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine." And that should have been that. NTA.
Gently remind her that you have ZERO intention of causing any friction between husband and Ex. Doing so would only give her ammunition to limit the children's time with him and her as well. Ex could very easily claim this as aggressive and petition for failure to comply with current agreements and be awarded limited or supervised visitation put against your husband. This isn't a hill to die on. Spending as much time as possible with his kids is the ultimate goal here. He's not failing to stand up for you. The two of you made an informed decision to follow COURT orders. MIL needs to be reminded that this is about control of the children and unfortunately neither of your are their parents so it's not your control.
Eventually, hopefully, the kids mom will see that she will need you to be on that list.
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I hope she can learn to coparent better with her ex and his partner, for the kids sake.
NTA. It is wonderful that you and your MIL get along so well. In a calm moment, you might explain to her(once again if that is the case) that your husband and you yourself have no control over the pick up list decision. It has been decided by the judge and it will not change. It sounds like your MIL is fighting this situation perhaps just a bit too hard. She may have felt like the ex-wife is inhibiting her in some way and this might be an opportunity that she is seizing to try to make some change - just a thought.
NT. She is likely embarrassed that she was ready to take it to the mattresses and nobody was into that, but that's just what being a mother and MIL to adult offspring is. She is also protective of a grandchild who might need another person on that pick up list. Nonetheless, you can tell her that you love it that she'd go to bat for you but this is not the place.
NAH I mean, it’s well intentioned and sweet, so I wouldn’t get too upset about it. It’s clear she cares a lot for you. But also, it’s wholly negligent for baby mama to keep you off the list. You all do seem to have a lot of options for PU, but as you can see, shit happens, so it would be better to have one more name on the list in case this happens again. As an aside, I think sometimes NOT being on the list would be a blessing. *‘Sorry, not on the list!’*
NTA. She clearly started with good intentions, but she should've accepted your husband's explanation and left it at that. You were super nice about it too. If she doesn't let this go, then *she'll* be the one causing problems: between you and your husband, between him and his ex, between you and his ex, him and his mother, you and MIL, and possibly even legal trouble for the 3 of you regarding custody of his kids. She needs to STOP, this is none of her business, never was. At this point she's downright meddling.
I bet her reaction has more to do with her fear. No one was there to get her sick grandchild. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I love my MIL genuinely. She was always very kind and accepting to me and she was never the crazy MIL who didn't want her son with anyone, or who compared me to an ex or something. She also never interfered before which is why this is so difficult for me. So this is about her issue with me not being on the pick up list for my stepkids at school or activities. This is not something my husband just decided I couldn't do. Both my husband and the mother of my stepkids need to agree and sign off on a person being added to the pick up lists. This is outlined in their custody order that was set by the judge. The reason for this rule is simple; when their relationship first ended they disagreed a lot and carried on for too long so a judge stepped in and made the rule that both needed to agree or else. It's that simple. And while my husband did ask his ex for me to be added, she said no. So I don't go on the pick up list. It's that simple. A judge backed her no since it fits with the "both parents must agree". Is it a pain sometimes? Yes. Is it something I'm extremely bothered by? No. I knew before we got married that she would not agree to me being on that list or anybody my husband is with. His ex is just not okay with that. What that means is when the kids are sick, I am never called. It means I cannot pick them up from school early for any reason and I cannot pick them up from school or an activity in general because they only release them to people on the list (their school is very high security). This is something MIL became more aware of last month when my stepson got sick in school and needed someone to pick him up. My husband and stepkids mom was not around, neither was her mom, and my MIL and FIL were out of town when they got the call. She suggested I be called and found out I was not allowed to because I'm not on the list. She went to my husband and tore him a new one for not approving me for this. She said he married me and had a child with me, almost two (I'm expecting again) and if he trusts me that much he can add me to the list. He explained why he couldn't, which is something she was aware of. But MIL said he was showing no consideration or trust in me. MIL ended up telling me how sorry she was my husband was doing this to me and she told me she'd keep fighting him for me over this. I told her there was no need for her to fight for me, that it's not a battle to me, and I understand. She said but I need someone to fight this battle when I could be accused of being too pushy. And I told her she doesn't need to fight an imaginary battle because that's all this would be. There was no dispute between me and my husband over this. I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine. She was upset. She told me she felt like I was brushing off how much she cares about me and wants the best for me with my stepkids. I notice ever since she has looked very hurt. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Her intentions were good but she’s upset at the wrong person. She does realize that your husband has absolutely no choice in the matter right?
NTA. If she’s hurt about this, that’s her problem. You need to be honest with MIL and tell her that she’s right, you are brushing her off. You’re doing so because it’s a non-issue for you and your husband and you don’t need her telling you what should be an issue for you. You’re an adult and if you have an issue, then you will handle it. By continuing to fight battles that don’t exist, she’s actually treating you like a child.
NTA. Of course. I have no idea what happened between the ex'es, but talk about the Ex cutting off her nose to spite her face - god forbid she makes it easier for the entire family to provide emergency child care. I am wondering if there is any part of your MiL's complete weird Hill to Die On here that stems from her not wanting to be bothered to pick them up again. Just a thought.
Your MIL is expressing fear as anger. She's having nightmare scenarios play out in her head in which her grandchildren are seriously injured, or left standing in the cold and dark for hours on end, because none of the approved adults are available and you're not allowed because her son hasn't fought hard enough. She doesn't want to say so and give everyone else the same terrors because she's a fundamentally kind person. But she's also not entirely wrong. Maybe someone, even the MIL, can nudge the school to suggest to BOTH parents that there be further alternative adults since this has happened once already, and then perhaps the ex will relent. But by the judge's ruling, it's a two yeses, one no situation and that's that. INFO: Does the ex also have a current spouse? If so, would that person also be permitted to pick up the kids? Is the real issue that your husband is the only one who has moved on? Please thank your MIL for her concern. Tell her it's valid but that it's been litigated and there's nothing to be done except maybe suggest that the school reach out to the parents for other possibilities and that she's wonderful for being such an involved Grandma. NTA.
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Yeah, so I figured. If she also had a spouse she'd probably be okay with you or her own mate doing pickups. But since she's single, and it's uneven, she's unwilling to give more opportunity to her ex's side than her own. Petty, but I also kinda get it. It could mess up the custody schedule or something.
NTA. The judge isn't going to change anything unless both parents agree, or there's some kind of demonstrable harm to the kids (e.g., kids repeatedly needed to be picked up for emergencies but wasn't getting picked up bc OP wasn't in the list -- obviously that isn't happening here). Your mom needs to take a step back and take a breath. Is there some other reason she doesn't like your husband? Or is there some conflict your mom is having with her husband that she's projecting onto you, OP?
Not OP'S mom. Her MIL.
NTA. You're not brushing off how much she cares; you're telling her that this expression of "care" is in danger of becoming toxic. She needs to take a step back and not bully your husband about something he hasn't done to you and cannot change. Making trouble for him isn't an act of support for you.
MIL doesn't want the burden herself
What was the parents plan when everyone on the list was unavailable?
If it works, there's no need to fix it. It's sucks for the MIL bc she cares, but it's just one of those things that's not worth getting into. Just have to bear and grin. It is what it is. So, definitely not the a-hole in this situation.
Nta. This is an issue for the ex wife, not for husband or you. Mil is misdirecting her anger. I'm assuming someone has pointed this out, but husband should also say that you and he have to choose your battles when it comes to custody with ex, and this isn't the hill you want to die on when it comes to custody arrangements, that you have both, together, recognised that this issue isn't worth stirring up the kids mum about. Reassure her that you're so glad she's on your side but also ask her to pick your side by recognising this is the least if your concerns for the kids. Heck, if she's really that upset about it, she can always try malicious compliance by refusing to pick up the kids when bio mum is unable to pick up kids on her time, and force her to abandon her plans to pick up kids. Only when it's inconvenient for her for you not to be on the list will this battle be won
NTA-You have a good mil, but just continue to reassure her that you appreciate her care, but it’s not something to be worry over and not a problem for you so she should not worry. That is just not the hill to choose.
She wanted you to be upset too lol
NTA but, this is really between MIL and husband. He's the one she's disagreeing with about the way he is handling the situation, and he needs to be the one to draw boundaries with her. You'll need to start greyrocking her when she approaches you about the situation.
NAH. I think your MIL is right to bring this up, but she's fighting with the wrong person (your husband). This is a situation where, even though it's completely rare, the kids need a backup. One day, it's because a child is sick, but the next day, it could be from a school extracurricular activity or a field trip. However, I completely understand why you don't want her to fight, especially given that having to take things all the way back up court will just make it a lengthy process that may or may not lead anywhere.
No but i understand MILs pov. you’ve been the childrens step parent for how long? and now the mother of 2 of their half siblings. i feel like that should give some level of trust and respect. when the kids are with their dad, theyre with u too. idk i feel like u also should have a conversation, woman to woman, with biomum.
Sounds like you have a wonderful MIL. Maybe bring up the topic again and explain you don't want the battle fought because you don't want ex agreeing to it and taking away something else in retaliation that hurts the kids even more. That you just want to let sleeping dogs lie.
NAH. MIL is looking out for you and the kids. It is nice that you have reached the point of acceptance here but this is new to her and she isn’t there yet. She will get there. MIL is right though. You should be on the list for this exact reason. There was a sick child that needed his step mom because no one else was available and you couldn’t because the bio-mom was being petty. However, I am not sure it is worth the expense of going back to court since this will rarely come up.
Enjoy your freedom from not having to pick kids up.
NTA MIL needs to step down. She's not really fighting for you, she's fighting for her grandbabies to be properly cared for in all circumstances. I applaud MIL. She's fierce and gives no slack. She's gotta step back this time tho. I understand bio mom's view that steps don't go on the list. You could divorce tomorrow and never see her kids again. You could go crazy. Who knows. But with that comes the caveat that she doesn't have the step mother to pick up her kids when she can't do it. She made that bed. You are well within your right to wash your hands of it. There's a cross-stitch pillow somewhere that says Not my circus, not my monkeys. That's your pillow.
NTA. Know who is? Your husband and his ex. If they want to ensure that you aren’t on the pickup list (if he won’t advocate for that) then they don’t get to be unavailable for their sick kids
Talk to your husband about it first. Let him know this is strictly MIL point of view and then I’d tell her he already tried to push for you but bio mom didn’t budge and a judge agreed. That if she continues this argument you’ll have to limit contact. But the kids getting sick is a legit reason to be able to get them. I’d sit back down and ask her that what if the situation arose again but it became more serious and even propose you will only get them in times of emergencies or something. That way she knows it’ll only be for upmost important times and otherwise you’ll stay out of regular carpool times
NTA. Tell MIL that you completely agree that you should be on the pickup list but that it's in the custody/divorce agreement from the judge and really has nothing to do with your husband. You appreciate her being upset on your behalf, but no amount of upset is going to change ex's mind, and that's what it comes down to. Your husband wants you on the list, but ex doesn't so the judge said no go. For your husband to try to bring this back to court, means lawyers, $$ and time away from work etc. And in the end it likely won't matter if the ex doesn't agree.
NAH. I can understand MIL's initial reaction, since she didn't really know/understand the details, and she's probably embarrassed. Hopefully she'll cool off and you can have a productive conversation about it. Personally, I would thank her for wanting to stand up for me, but let her know that the overall goal is the kids' happiness and stability, and this isn't something to go back to court over.
YOU should be standing up for your husband and making it clear that it is on his ex to let you be on the list. There is nothing he can do.
NAH. You sound like a bunch of decent people. And she seems to care for you a great deal. I hope this blows over between you two. You were right to intervene, and she means no harm in intervening.
NAH. I'm glad your MIL stands up for what's right on her mind, but she clearly doesn't understand that the only person that can change this is the ex-wife.
NTA and you don’t need more on your plate anyway. Let them deal with it.
I would try to explain that her anger is misdirected, not unwanted. It's the ex that is preventing this decision, not you nor your husband. It's strange to me she's putting the fault on him. 🫠
First if all NTA. I'm wondering if there's something else going on for your MIL, why is this such a big issue for her? Perhaps it's linked to something else, is she worried about your husband or her grandchild or something else going on? Might be worth asking to see if you can find out and help her feel calmer?
NTA. But I don't really get why MIL is focusing on what it means to you, instead of what it means to her grandson? Who was sick and couldn't be picked up easily? (I am curious how it was resolved that time)
NTA. But it’s so crazy to me why a mother would be this spiteful and hurt her children. This is why I think blended families rarely work. Yes, some do but you always have at least one person willing to do anything to hurt their ex and in the process hurt the kids. Or one parent poisons the kid against the new step parent to make life difficult.
"MIL, I love that you love me this much, but please don't put that energy here. If you want, we can go to lunch sometime and talk about how dumb it is, but it's already decided. We aren't going to rock this boat." NTA
NAH, at least between OP, husband, and MIL. We don't have enough info to know if the ex is an AH.
So who picked up the sick son?
NTA. It's not "help" when the person you're supposedly "helping" tells you to stop. She was nice to go to bat for you and take her anger out on your husband rather than you, but after hearing your side, she needs to back off.
NTA So your MIL doesn’t understand that she shouldn’t be angry at her son about this simply because he has no control over it. If anything, your MIL should be angry at her ex-daughter-in-law. I don’t understand why she can’t realize that her son has no control over this. The bio mom sounds like a real PIA.
NAH. MIL is making a mountain out of a molehill, but she sees how ridiculous it is that the ex is being this way. Unfortunately at this point, going back to court over this tiny thing would be to ask the judge to change his mind which is basically asking him to say he was wrong. Huge waste of time and money. He's not going to change his mind. Maybe if you explained it that way she would understand it better.
NTA. You told her how much you love and appreciate her. Did you mention a judge already sided with the mother? theres nothing for your husband to fight.
NAH Your MIL is crossing boundaries and getting it wrong but damn, I wish mine cared about me this much! She's doing the wrong thing for all the right reasons. I'd just let it go. If you and your husband are on the same page, just thank her and gently laugh it off between you as being a non-issue when she brings it up. Worst case, your husband can stand up to his own mother.
NTA. Clearly your mil doesn't understand choosing your battles. Tell your husband what she's said so he's not blindsided. Next time she brings it up tell her you're taking the topic off the table. After that 'asked and answered.'
NTA. It’s nobody’s fault she doesn’t understand but her own. It’s likely she’s a boomer so she won’t come around to the reality of the situation. I love that she loves you and is willing to advocate for you; that’s fantastic, just not applicable to this situation.
NTA
There was a very serious issue, of NO ONE being able to deal with the children, over a crazy ex’s pettiness. I would be livid, as a grandmother. Speaking to her son was okay, she was venting, but now she needs to drop it
Ugh, MIL stirring the pot…not helpful. NTA.
NTA, kinda sad mom wants to be petty. What was her reaction when no one could pick up the kid?
NAH. She needs to step off. Of course the ex is a twit. Let torture my sick child just to be petty.
NAH
NTA. But she's sooo darn sweet! Bite her for me! Omg 🥰🥰🥰🥰
NTA Honestly, doing nothing is technically alright "fighting the battle" for you. Bet the step kids mom felt like a real idiot when the ONLY person who could have picked up her sick kids wasn't allowed, by her own words.
INFO: I'm waffling- how sick was stepson? Did he get picked up or have to stay? Because as someone who has experienced the issue of both parents unavailable and having to stay at school after puking/sick, that sucks, especially if it could have been avoided by you picking him up. There can't be some "in case of all these people" clause the ex can agree to for the benefit of the kids? Otherwise, (NTA) because ultimately it's an issue between you and your husband and the courts. And if you have no problem with it and all parties are civil it's said and done.
NAH. I get why she’s upset, but I also understand why you don’t feel it’s worth the time and money to fight about. I am curious about what happened to your stepson that day. How long did he have to wait until someone could pick him up?
NAH (other than the ex-wife) Your MIL wanted to stand up for you. She was told clearly that there is nothing she needs to stand up for. As long as she respects that, she's not an ah, either. Just keep being your normal, loving, appreciative self with her. She might need a little time to process the wrong that she perceives you and your husband allowing.
NTA Your MIL is trying to "gift" you a package of her concern and willingness to argue for you against her son. The problem is that you do not want this "gift" and she isn't listening. So it's not a "gift" at all. It's imposing her values on you and your husband. Implying she knows better than you what you want/need in your married life. So actually an insult, although unintended. Try presenting this perspective to her and see if it gets through to her closed mind.
NTA. She just needs more love and appreciation from you about this. Many people raised female, particularly moms, from earlier generations than yours put more of their self-worth in how they parent than many people raised female now. She just wants you to know how much she cares about you and that she WOULD fight for you. To me it sounds like she just wants to feel close with you, and like you are a team, so she manufactured a common enemy. It's possible to keep that closeness, and appreciate her Mama Bear ways, without your accepting help that you neither need nor want. If it were me (assuming you are willing to do this for her), I would choose to bring it up here and there, in other contexts, how fiercely she would fight for you and how much you appreciate her wanting what's best for you. She'll get the message.
NTA. No one is, except possibly the ex. You and your husband will have to have a sit-down with his mom to explain the ruling. That aside, you are so incredibly lucky to have such a gem of a MIL. I wish mine had been even half that accepting and loving.
NTA. But your husband’s ex needs to have a third back-up when she can’t pick up. She simply can’t go away at the same time as her mom. It must have been awful when your stepson couldn’t go home when sick. I know you can’t make her do that. But that’s just bad parenting to not think ahead like that.
NAH except the ex. DH may have to be the one to sit MIL down and explain things to her if you can't get through. Best anyone can do at this point is sit back and wait until the situation inconveniences the ex one too many times and the issue will resolve itself. My DH's ex practically had an aneurysm when I dared to pick up an Rx for one of the kids. Fine. When the time came around for a refill, and they happened to be with us, I refused to get it as DH wasn't available (we had enough left for their time with us, so they weren't going to miss a dose.) When we returned the kids to her without the refill she threw a tantrum because now SHE had to go get it and pay the co-pay. Can't have it both ways, psycho.
NTA
NTA but this is a good problem to have your mil loves you a lot. That’s something.
nta fellow step parent here, i was only added on pick up list for my step sons when their mom almost got them kicked out from our posh school district for repeatedly dropping them off late that they went to investigate and found out she was living in another school district boundaries and it was just to pick them up on 'our days' but i am not on the list anymore, not a fight i am willing to fight, its the bio parents problem
NTAH...it's really not her business and honestly it's one less thing to worry about for you ..you are very busy already I'm sure. This acting " hurt" business is manipulative, tell her it's between you and your husband...and move on...if she wants to act hurt that's on her. Ignore it.
I suspect for OP’s mother in law this is about a lot more than the pick up list. She was hurt somehow in the divorce or by the ex wife and she isn’t over it.
This won't change until the exs stance bites her in her ass. And it will.
There is only one AH here and that is your husband’s ex. Surely now that this situation has actually occurred she should be thinking of her children and not of herself? Your husband could go back to the judge and argue that you should be added to the list but realistically SHE should add you. If you aren’t added your husband or your MIL has evidence to contact CPS because she is effectively neglecting her children if she refuses to allow you to collect them when they are sick because of her stupid boundaries.
Ugh, this likely has so many layers. MIL obviously cares for you and feels you've been slighted. Dollars to donuts MIL _doesn't_ like the ex, she cannot confront the ex about the injustice, and her only outlet is her son. You obviously know that your husband's hands are tied, and even if he did fight, it's a damn hassle. This will pass, but reassure MIL that you value your relationship with her. NTA.
Nobody's an AH here. Maybe ex wife but maybe she has her reasons, I didn't know (not having anything to do with OP). Sit your MIL down and have a heart to heart and tell her how much she means to you and how much it means to you that she is willing to go to bat for you like this, but this specific situation isn't worth the energy and headache. Sit
Did your stepson have to just stay at school sick? Ok, I saw in a comment that he did. Maybe your husband should put on the list to bring up in court that his ex-wife should be required to always be available to pick up the kid since she she is so restrictive about the list.
What was the solution for the sick stepson who had no one to pick him up? Seems MIL is logically looking out for her grandkids.
You are soon to be the mother of two children. You have enough to do. Please tell your husband to tell his mother to keep out of this. NTA
What is it with some people! Just stop already MIL. Your help is neither needed nor appreciated here. You and your husband have this under control. Tell your husband to impress upon her that she needs to step back from this.
NAH. It must have been awful to get that call, know the kid was suffering, and be powerless to do anything to help. Honestly if the ex is going to be that particular about it, then she should stay close in case of emergencies.
Why does the ex have an issue with you?
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As a stepmother I totally get it. He needs to take these examples to court next time so that the judge can see there is ridiculous bias. If her husband is on the list then you should be as well. But your MIL is just wanting to protect you and wants to ensure you know you are cared for.
Neither you or MIL are in the wrong here, it's your stepchilds mother that is
She wants to do this imaginary battle with... your husband? She hasn't figured out it would have to be with his ex-? Point out that her imaginary battle is with the wrong person. NTA
>I told her I appreciated her defending me and love her for wanting to support me but it's fine. She was upset. She told me she felt like I was brushing off how much she cares about me and wants the best for me sounds like your MIL is taking something unrelated to her and making it all about her. you're NTA
NTA (also not the MIL but lowkey your husband and the ex) Is cute she is trying so hard to help you. I think maybe it explains it a bit better to get if you try a funny yet rational approach to explain why you are not bothered. In the end the only people are making their lives harder are the parents. They are the ones who need to always find a workaround for picking up without the option for you to step in. Children sick? Not your problem. They need to make an appointment that clashes with picking a kid up? Yeah. Maybe they have to go at a later time. You need not care. And so on. It doesn't really limit your option to interact with the kids. You are just free from an annoying duty because no one could even ask you for that. I would be upset if your husband said no, but seems he just think it's not worth it to die on exactly that hill and he is right. So maybe just tell her with a grin "pssst! Don't make them put me on the list or else i will have to pick them all them time when they get lazy" 😂 Or is it possible she just is fed up cause she is always the one who needs to step in is something unexpected comes up?
I think it's less about you and more a problem if one of the kids needs to be picked up for whatever reason and no one else van do it - as happened during her recent vacation. Who ended up getting your stepson? How long did he wait at school while sick?
Nah. But find it hard to believe the court would just say “ok, that’s fine” to excluding a step parent the kids are with (assuming) 50% of the time. Your husband needs to step up and press this with the court. His Ex is being unnecessarily difficult and it is hurting the children. Even if this happens once, that’s too much. She needs to at least agree to add you and you can be the last resort when all other options are exhausted but imo there shouldn’t be restrictions
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Wow is you. Add another person to the list other than you and get off here and stop whining. You knew the agreement when you married your husband. You would always just be wife. You are not their stepmother even in the court of law. People on the internet do not know how to brush past the bs and the changing stories of OPs
NTA But have you ever tried having just a lunch with the ex wife and having a conversation. You know say X situation arose where 3 contacts were not available would it be possible I be the 4th contact in case of emergency.
is your MIL an idiot? im not sure what she expects your husband to do in this situation. how are her actions helping? yeah its fucked up but she should go complain incessantly about it to the mother of the kids if its that important to her.
It is ironic that your mother-in-law's sincere desire to not be an asshole turned her into an asshole on this topic. I appreciate her, and am glad she supports you like this – and if you and your husband actually were bothered, she *would* be in a better position to advocate for this. But you aren't bothered, and she is accidentally an asshole for pushing it. NTA
"My husband and stepkids mom was not around, neither was her mom, and my MIL and FIL were out of town when they got the call. " What do you mean they were not around? Your in-laws were literally out of town, yet they picked up. Why the hell didn't your husband pick up? Did he see it was the school calling and didn't want to deal with it so decided to let them call ex? And ex and ex's mom did the same? NTA. But your husband and ex seem to be.