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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) buying the used dress 2) she’s the only one wearing a used dress
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YTA
Your reasoning was totally sound. Weddings are expensive so save where you can. The dress you found is in like-new condition and the correct size. Like you said a total steal.
Too late now but why did you inform Kiki you found it used? Did she really need to know? She obviously feels singled out by her stepmom to be. Everyone else is getting a new dress, and she gets a used one. Then instead of seeing her position you tell her she can pay $150 to get a new dress. I get you are being practical, but this isn't a great start to fostering a good relationship between you and Kiki. You coldly disregarded her feeling excluded.
If anything, she should have asked her first; 'Hey, I can get your $200 dress for $50! Would you like me to do that and you can have (or we can split) the other $150?!" and she would probably have gone for it.
Asking her to pay the difference is just the worst.
That's missing the entire point, which is to save money because the wedding and dresses are expensive. OP is getting a 15yo a dress for a wedding, not buying Christmas gifts and having to make sure everyone gets the same value in gifts
From the perspective of the new stepdaughter, OP, her girls and everyone else is getting new clothes and she isn't. Is $150 going to make or break OP? I'm assuming not, because she OK'd the dress when she still thought she was going to pay $200 for it.
So, is it worth making her new stepdaughter feel 'other' right out of the gate for $150?
OP could get her own daughters used dresses too and make a big show of how she saved on all the kids dresses so stepdaughter doesn’t feel so othered. Her kids are 8 and 12 so going to grow out of their dresses immediately anyway. This way she’s not playing favorites with the kids and maybe stepsister can even help them search through thrift stores, make it a girls day out.
It sounds like OP is just doing a color scheme, not exactly matching dresses. The 12 year old likely will want a say in her dress, but they could still look for used dresses. OP could find something in the right color for the younger child for sure. Most 8 year olds are very easily persuaded by Mommy saying, "Isn't this beautiful. You would look like a princess in this for Mommy's wedding."
Yeah, my 8 year old has a very particular style, I very rarely buy clothes for her now if she's not there because if she doesn't like it she just won't wear it. She's been the same for several years, I can potentially sway her, but I definitely wouldn't buy without her approval for something like a flower girl dress!
I have a 3 year old niece who cannot be persuaded for some clothes for longer than a picture and even then it’s pure luck if she isn’t crying in said picture.
It actually IS that easy - there are loads on Vinted and various sites. I recently bought six chiffon bridesmaid dresses (bride wanted a pastel rainbow) from different sellers, and we outfitted the entire wedding party for under £100, including alterations - and that was ages 6-44! There are so many options out there in perfect condition, and a lot of people bundle their matching little girl dresses and sell them together.
My wife bought her wedding dress on eBay for $250. The person had it custom made for 3 thousand and sold it cheap because she was getting divorced and wanted everything from her marriage gone. My wife was stoked, she then spent another 250 for customisations on it, namely on changing how the back panel did up.
The only thing I would say op could do differently is to get the other kids their dresses second hand and only then tell her so daughter, if at all.
No I’m saying take the younger girls thrift shopping to pick out their dresses. They are 8 and 12 and OP being their mother could absolutely say, “ok girls these thrift dresses are the only ones you can choose from. My friend thrift shops all the time and she finds the cutest clothes, lots of it in new condition. Especially for wedding attire I’m sure OP could find her girls something they like that’s also used. Especially with dresses only used once really.
There's a reason OP didn't troll FB marketplace for her daughters' and friends' dresses. It has nothing to do with frugality.
Sorry, but I'm truly cynical about OP's attitude towards her new stepdaughter. I've seen such scenarios play out this way even with dear friends who are otherwise kind. When it comes to step-kids, they come second.
Not always, of course.
Yeah, I know. I try to be an optimist sometimes. But we all know why OP was able to find the exact right dress in the exact right color and size. She didn’t happen upon it, she was looking for it. And we also know OP isn’t going to try to fix it even though a bunch of people have told her she’s an AH.
Of course she was looking for it. She was looking for the dress, period. She probably searched it on google and it popped up on MP because of their advertising algorithm. Do you really think she could find 3 of the same dresses on her local MP in different sizes? No way!
Right, but step daughter sent her a link to the specific dress she wanted. I know when I look at stuff online, I always get matching items in MP. It may have just popped up in her feed. Not to mention, did her own daughters get to choose their own dresses? Step daughter may be special in that she gets to choose rather than OP choosing for her. OP also says step daughter is a bridesmaid, and does not say the same about her own daughters. Also, who says she didn't look on MP for her own daughters too? Finding the perfect dress her step daughter wanted and then 2 more dresses in thr same color, in the appropriate sizes, all on MP would be virtually impossible.
There's no way she just happened across the dress on marketplace. She was clearly searching for it or something similar, which tells me she absolutely would have bought it for whoever it would fit in their party. Why would she be searching MP PURELY to find her step daughters dress? To even think you would find the exact dress on there would be ridiculous
au contraire - it's actually quite easy to find similar outfits WHEN ONE IS LOOKING. There is NO WAY she was going to get a used dress for her daughters and friends.
This whole thing is suss imo.
This is completely insane. The stepdaughter got the exact dress she wanted, in perfect condition, but she is somehow the victim? No she is just acting extremely childish, there is no reason to pay an extra 150 for the exact same thing
Let’s be real a dress for an 8 and 12 year old isn’t going to cost nearly the same, they’re still kids. kids dresses are a lot cheaper than dresses made to fit a fully formed body too
But it’s the exact same dress! 15yrold is not being asked to compromise what she wants. She is getting what she wanted.
So what happens if the other girls’ want dresses that cannot be found used? Should they now be asked compromise what they want and select from only the available used dresses? They are all getting equitably valued outfits. Finding 15yrold’s dream dress at a 75% discount was happenstance.
The thing is she is not playing favorites. If any other dress was found in the same condition she would buy it used. She's nta here. It sounds like this kid is used to getting everything expensive and new. At the end of the day, if it's the exact same dress what is the issue? It's not like she bought a dress with holes and stains and told her to wear it.
If it’s make or break then she needs to get her own kids used dresses too
They did not need to inform the kid it was used
Completely singled out
Sounds purposely like being mean to step kid
But then dresses for 8 and 12yo kids are ususally way cheaper than regular dresses. So even if they are new, they'll likely be around the same price range as the used dress.
And even if that wasn't OP's intention, that's exactly how it's going to come across to a 15 year old who is the only one getting something used when everyone else gets something new.
In OP’s mind (and most of ours, probably) it’s about saving money. In 15 year old (!!) stepdaughters mind she is being put in an inferior position to her new siblings and this is her life now. She is Cinderella in a world where no ball/prince/fairy godmother is going to save her.
Nope. Nope Nope Nope.
Stepdaughter got 2nd hand while the other kids got brand new.
Stop and think about that. Money should not be considered in this situation, only the valid feelings of the stepdaughter.
Still she is the only one getting a used dress. She said if she found the other dresses on a Facebook site she would but she didn't. Only the soon to be stepdaughter's was used. While the others, including her 2 children are getting brand new. You can't do that. The practical, saving money part can't be used in this instance. She wants to hopefully build a relationship with her new stepdaughter and make her feel like she would never treat her as less than compared to her own. And that's exactly what this probably did. I agree with the other commenter, she didn't even have to tell anyone it was used, if she really wanted to save the money. Hopefully this doesn't ruin their relationship before the marriage has even started. If I were OP, I'd apologize, say you weren't thinking clearly, maybe make a joke about being a bidezilla (hopefully a 15 year old girl will find that funny) and of course she should have a brand new dress and op buy it. Soft YTA. Soft only because I understand money can be tight. But YTA because this isn't the time and your stepdaughter isn't the person to be saving money on.
I feel like there are better ways to save money than the stepdaughters dress. Also OP would have already budgeted x amount for bridesmaids. I don't see her telling her daughters to choose a dress in the 50$ price range ...
And this so out of any sense - new dress to put it once, the world is burning in heat and we still need more and more new things just to apeace the drama. OP said she will look for more dresses second hand for other girls too - so she wouldnt be the only one.
This really wasn’t the best place to save $150 and to double down on it. And this wasn’t any wedding . It was the only wedding that will ever happen that firms this as a family. It’s not the same as Christmas which comes every year.
She's 15!
Why are you splitting the saved 150 with her?? It's not her money. Why are you suggesting op gives 150? Becuase the dress she will probably wear once was cheaper than the other bridesmaids? If it was her prom dress, or a dress she'd given the money for then yes I agree with you.
Op probably should not have told her, should have just said she'd got the dress.
If it was her daughter, I would say "Like it or lump it" but since it's her new step daughter, I think that OP should have handled this with more sensitivity. That's all.
Yeah, I like this. YTA.
Also I find it... coincidental that the exact dress the step-daughter wanted was seen, quite by chance, by OP. Available to view locally. No effort made on OPs part searching every Web page and thrift store for this exact dress, just a happy coincidence.
You haven’t been stalked by Facebook then eh? Any links that people send me soon show up on Facebook. And I ask my phone not to share info. Facebook just knows. Lol
I agree that OP should have mentioned it before going through with buying it. Now OP is probably out $50 on top of whatever the stepdaughter picks out now.
She’s 15 and getting a dress for free? Why would she get the money? This is just so stupid to me, the girl is getting a free dress but is upset that there wasn’t more money spent on it first? That’s ridiculous and she’s straight up spoiled.
Because her father is marrying someone who is not her mother. Because the bride has two daughters who are getting new dresses. Because now she's going to feel second best, right from the wedding.
The symbolism is more important than the money. Offering her the money (or half, as I suggested) would be a way to smooth over the fact that OP screwed this up from the get go.
What she could do is offer to the stepdaughter that she could buy the dress new or she could use the $150 on something else that the stepdaughter has wanted or a bonding experience. New clothes, some makeup, a day trip somewhere. And if she wants to save money I’m sure she’ll be able to find other dresses used
> Too late now but why did you inform Kiki you found it used? Did she really need to know?
Have you ever in your life met a woman who, when asked about a beautiful dress, didn’t say either, “I got it on sale!” and/or “Thanks! It has pockets!”
If a dress was purchased for a steal, you will be told. It is almost woman law that that information be shared. It is nearly impossible to just say, “Thank you!”
Some kids are really good ar thrifting.
But OP is definitely YTA for saying kiki needs to pay the difference. If anything they should offer her either $150 or another dress
Or say she can get more expensive shoes or jewellery. Suggesting she pay the extra when she had already been given a budget (that the $200 was presumably with in) is major AH behaviour.
Why are we acting like reusing something that will be worn literally one time instead of buying more textile waste is shameful instead of the right thing to do? More people should be doing this.
Yes, buying second hand clothes is great. So if OP cares about sustainability, they should have bought everyone used dresses. But they didn't, they only singled out the stepdaughter. So it's clearly less about textile waste and more about being unwilling to pay for a new dress for the stepdaughter specifically.
Yup. I wouldn't give a damn. If the dress was stained, smelled bad or something then yeah, I'd have an issue.
But it's a dress in great condition that's going to be worn once. And has already only been worn once most likely.
So who cares if it's brand new or not? I really don't get this mindset.
I understand your point here but I think it’s silly that Kiki is placing so much worth on whether a dress is “new” or “used”
This is a good time to teach all the kids about budgeting. She got the exact dress she wanted and others can do the same.
As for fostering a relationship, I understand that so maybe do something special to bond with her. But you don’t want to start a relationship with her thinking she can complain and get exactly what she wants
The kids all had a budget & Kiki worked within the framework, but the OP went ahead & made a choice without any discussion. Now, Kiki’s being punished because her budget’s been reduced & she has to contribute her own money to buy the dress she’d already been promised.
And it’s not about the dress itself. She’s 16 & the OP just stomped all over her autonomy, punished her for being disappointed & made her feel ‘less than’ everyone else. That’s not ‘silly’ & it’s a crap thing to do to a kid. Especially a kid who’s about to be legally hitched into a blended family.
I think it may be more than that. Usually the "presenting issue" isn't the real issue. Wondering if Kiki generally doesn't feel accepted. That's why she interpreted this as being singled out.
It's mind boggling that OP is expecting her step daughter to compromise on a dress to save OP money when OP was the one to set the original budget and the step daughter stayed within the budget. If OP was so worried about the budget for dresses, she should have set a lower budget or picked a dress of a certain price.
Teaching kids how to budget is so important! This isn't a great moment for the lesson. First, because OP already set a budget and Kiki stayed within it. Second, because this is such an important moment for their relationship and a small lesson on frugality shouldn't come at the cost of making Kiki feel singled out and less than within her new blended family.
Yeah. The lesson on frugality would be giving her the difference of the new dress. As it is, Kiki doesn’t get the reward of “the big steal” so there’s absolutely nothing for her to learn other than her new step mom is buying her a used dress while her kids get new ones
Im sorry, but the wedding with her father is not a good time to start teaching her about budgeting. Its like the worst time you could pick.
Op, you could have offered her some advantage in the cheaper dress. Instead you took the decision ability away from her, and she now feels less than. Yta
and when Kiki pointed out this flaw in OP's reasoning, she gets this:
>I spoke with my fiance and he agrees with me. We told Kiki if she wants the dress brand new, she can pay the difference.
so on top of giving an ill-timed lesson on frugality, OP is also making sure Kiki understands her dad is wrapped around OP's little finger & won't be any help to Kiki.
Except that only the stepdaughter is budgeting... Don't be surprised when actual fights start in the "new" family. This is also an excellent oportunity to teach the OP's daughters that stepsister gets budgeting clothes and it is OK for HER to get lesser value things...
But it doesn't teach Kiki anything about budgeting when she doesn't benefit from the savings. A better lesson would have been "Hey I found the dress you want second hand, if you get this one you'll have more money to spend on your accessories, what do you want to do?"
OP is doing special to bond with Kiki alright : she's telling her to spend her own money (does a 15 yo even have money? I sure didn't, even my birthday money went into the bank, where I couldn't access it).
Agreed 100%. Weddings are expensive, frugality where possible is commendable, but when working to blend families your pocketbook sometimes has to take one for the team to avoid the appearance of favoritism and the initial seeds of resentment.
Okay, I am a thrifty person. My own wedding dress was also used, so I absolutely support that. **However**, in this particular situation, YTA. You are blending families. This child is already stressed out and worried about what is coming. This makes her feel less important than your daughters and makes her fear for what the future holds. That really sucks for her.
However, if I were you, I would find another $150 and then ask you soon-to-be step daughter if she would prefer a new bridesmaid dress (she may also be nervous or self-conscious about everyone looking at her on the day - particularly your side of the family) or to buy an outfit that she’ll wear more than once with it. Investing $150 in your relationship with her is really important.
>or to buy an outfit that she’ll wear more than once with it. Investing $150 in your relationship with her is really important.
i actually think this is the best idea yet. 1. communicates the value of the money saved on the used dress she'll only wear once, 2. works on building the relationship
This is such a great idea. The bridesmaid dress is not likely to be worn again, but spending the extra $150 on new clothes that can be worn again is very cost effective
This.
Except I'd probably say she can spend the money on clothes or something else she wants, or even an experience (concert or special dinner etc).
Show her that she's important. Show her that saving money in one area means you have more for another.
15 is so hard. Try to understand her feelings, not just focus on the money
Or use that money into something you can do together- a spa day before the wedding, girls night, something that is just for the two of you and gives her something to be happy about.
Buy her the new dress OR make sure you go and buy used dresses for your daughters. Simple.
Otherwise you're just singling her out as less-than and her father should really assess whether this marriage is right.
Oh my gosh I totally thought this was red flag 🚩 worthy too but I didn’t want to bring it up too much. So glad I’m not the only one who is like “nope! This relationship is not on the right path the way things are.”
Is $150 worth the relationship between you and your step daughter? If it is to you, then go ahead. People remember how you make them feel. She will remember for the rest of her life how shitty you make her feel. And over $150? Pst
YTA
You are thinking like an adult trying to save some money instead of a 15 year old. I mean you are leaning right into the Cinderella evil step-mother trope. Giving your 2 girls new things and she gets used, good-enough, thrifted clothes. I get the urge to save some bucks but you've made Kiki feel like she's less-than and that sucks and is a really crappy way to start a marriage and your step-parenting relationship.
And honestly, how much is she saving overall?
$1000 for bridesmaid dresses
(everything below this is speculation)
$1000 for wedding dress
$1000 for venue
$1000 for catering (assuming alcohol is involved)
$1000 for all other expenses
That estimates to $5000 (pretty low for the average event-wedding these days). So you maybe saved 3% on getting a used dress instead of a new one? Was that 3% worth making her new stepdaughter feel this way and have to try and forced to try to handle it like an adult and understand? I, as someone in a blended family, strongly say it is not worth it.
I had a backyard wedding (literally in my parents backyard), second hand dress, no bridesmaids/groomsmen, buffet-style bbq catering, cupcakes for dessert, and it was $10-$15k counting everything. And that was with my photographer cousin doing my photography for free as a wedding gift! $150 is probably like…1% or less of what she’s going to spend overall.
YTA. You want your new stepdaughter to be excited for this wedding and to feel like she is part of the family? Then buy her a new dress. You tipped the scales on the AH behavior when you told her that she could pay the difference between a new and used dress. You told her she could get the dress she wanted within a certain budget and then when she has selected and was excited about it you decided that used was okay.
Again, do you want her to be excited and welcoming? Do you even want her to attend?
I want to add another question here. Is OP hoping someone else will buy Kiki’s dress? Like a relative or even Kiki’s mom? Because the way she says it, it’s like why would a 15 year old have to buy their own dress to be in their dad’s wedding party??? What child would ever have to do that?
Yeah. She said that she has a $200 budget for the dress. Found the dress for $50 and then is saying that if she wants the new dress, to cough up the $150 for it? What? It would make sense if Kiki was demanding a dress that cost more than the budget, but asking her to cover the difference from the used dress and the rest of the budget she was given is just stupid.
OP mentioned in a comment that every other dress is being ordered from the same place (or so it seems), but that they all will come in garment bags. Except for the stepdaughters.
For a 15 year old, of course that feels like you’re being singled out.
It IS being singled out.
As an adult, it's a little thing that doesn't bother you... but we're talking about a 15 year old stepchild, and little or not, this event is very likely to burn a negative opinion of stepmom into her brain for the rest of time.
Yes and it's a big thing to go to the shop to pick them up. You try it on one more time and flounce around. It's fun. So now that will be the daughters getting to do that and the stepdaughter being left out, or worse having to tag along and watch.
Everyone saying Nta is thinking like a grown up on the outside not a 15 year old whose outnumbered by her dads new family and the first real family event the stepsisters and even moms friends get everything new and you don’t just to save some money I mean her dad has 2 new daughters now too so she’s the oldest the cheapest and wondering if this is gonna be life from now on sister getting new things and her getting cheaper used cuz it “looks fine” you might have done a very small thing in your mind but you just told that little girl she had to pay to be treated the same in her eyes even on her dads wedding day
How did you just “come across” the exact dress that matched hers and only hers in her size on Facebook marketplace or were you looking to see if you could find hers cheaper
I’m aware of that but it seems she wasn’t looking into this specific dress everyone sent her what they want and a bunch of different dresses in the same color but different sizes and designs leading to an identical one in her size only hers in a group she’s in already DOESNT seem realistic if it were a dress she looked into or had open on her phone and a random add for a random size not linked with these groups I could have bought the story easier but this seems a little too convenient for only her new stepdaughters dress right size right design and someone she’s already connected to
Depending on your location, it is absolutely feasible. Also, she never mentioned her daughters dresses. She could very well end up thrifting their dresses as well.
This is weird to me too. Unless it’s a really popular color and style it’s very odd to find the exact same dress in the exact right size within your own same area of the world (I’m assuming since OP was able to go and look at the dress in person). I’m wondering if the used dress is only close to what the stepdaughter chose and not the exact same dress but OP is leaving that part out. Like the stepdaughter wants a designer dress and OP found a cheap knock off because it “looks the same”.
With it being $200, it's probably one of the brands that caters specifically towards bridesmaids dresses, like Azazia. They have a set number of colors, and their colors are standard across the entire brand. You can mix and match dress styles and still get the exact same color across them, as long as you stick to the same brand.
All of the dresses come in tiers of how dressy they are, with the plainest dresses being like $99, then a tier up is like $125, then $150-$175, and $200 is normally their dressiest styles.
Some styles are obviously more popular than others, and depending on the rest of the bridal party's sizes, it's hard to guess.
The dress I chose ended up being the one one of them in that cut, color, and size that they'd sold in 2+ years... so not always. Especially with some of the brands that have 50+ different styles.
Bridesmaid dresses tend to follow color and style schemes for at least a few years. How many of you remember seeing or wearing slim-silhouetted periwinkle bridesmaid dresses in the early 2000s? 🙋🏼♀️ Me. My sister twice. All different but similarly styled dresses in the exact same color, because that was the trend then. So that in addition to Skynet "listening" in on our internet searches makes it entirely plausible that OP came across this used dress because the algorithm served it up to her.
And dad agreeing with you will tell her that he cares more about money and “keeping the peace” with his new family than her feelings I hope he sorts himself and learns to back his daughter when treatment gets unfair because you asking her to pay to get the same standards as your friends and her stepsisters sets a bad precedent
You would not be the A H for being thrifty. But YTA for being so dismissive of how this feels to her. Even when lots of people here are telling you, it feels like you’re glossing over it. You could’ve asked her to look at and consider the dress before purchasing, you could have offered to get her something nice with a bit of the money saved.
But - how did you manage to find the exact dress in the perfect size on the big ol’ internet? Pretty sure you went searching high and low for it
Yep, the chances of finding the exact dress in the exact size randomly is pretty much glitch in the matrix level of coincidence. Feels like she went out of her way to find used dresses and could only find this one. Such a bad look for $150.
If it’s a David’s Bridal or other chain dress, then higher chances than you’d think. I’ve actually purchased a bridesmaid dress for myself off of FB marketplace. The bride had picked out a David’s Bridal dress in burgundy and someone was selling the exact same one in my size. I then sold that dress to another woman who needed it for a wedding she was in.
I’ve also found another David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress on Poshmark, also ironically in burgundy. And I wore that dress to two separate weddings as a bridesmaid.
And at my own wedding like 6 years ago, the bridesmaids wore burgundy dresses and mostly from David’s Bridal lmao
YTA Buying your daughter's new dresses and buying your soon to be step daughter a used, second hand dress is so Lady Tremaine.
>The dress new online is $200. The person was selling it for $50 and just wanted it gone. I’ve seen the dress in person. No stains, no smells. Truly a steal. So, I bought it.
🤣🤣🤣
YTA unless your kids are getting used shoes and accessories while Kiki gets new ones. If everyone is getting new shoes and accessories then your comment to Kiki would be pointless. It isn't about nit getting anything new. It is about the stepchild getting treated less than the biokids. Even if you didn't mean it that way. It is not a good look.
Can you figure out what the budgeted amount is that gives each kid 1/3rd of the total? Then, maybe let Kiki use her extra amount saved on the dress to buy nicer jewelry?
She is of an age to start appreciating things and something she can wear often would be special for her to remember the day her family grew.
YTA for being a "cheap ass" like your family member told you.
A used dress is still a used dress. Is the bride also wearing a used dress? Are your daughters also wearing a used dress. If you're not buying a used dress for anyone else then you are the AH to your soon to be step daughter.
I’m going to say YTA. In a practical sense, what you are doing is fine. However, this young lady’s life is being completely turned upside down, and now she has two little sisters who will be getting all the attention. I think it would be worth it to just get a new dress for her.
Yta unless you're buying a used wedding dress, bc hey, it doesn't matter, right? And it's waaaaay less expensive.
What you're paying overall is *irrelevant*. It's your wedding. What your actions have told your soon to be step daughter is that she isn't worth a new dress. Yikes. Nice way to start a blended family. Hope that $150 was worth it.
Are you buying your own daughter’s dresses used? If No, then YTA. Your argument for new shoes & accessories doesn’t work because EVERYONE is getting new shoes and accessories. In her 15 year old mind, this is not about the money saved but how you value her. Do better. I can already read the resentment in your post and you guys aren’t even married yet. I hope your future stepdaughter has a FAIRY GODMOTHER somewhere!
ETA: And then you tell her to pay the difference for a new dress when she stayed within your ORIGINAL budget request? Are you kidding me? How do you type all this out and still wonder if you are TA? *scratches head*
I think you're being cheap, and there is symbolism here since she's the stepdaughter. It's $150 in what sounds like a five-figure wedding budget. Why pick this hill to die on?
Now, you're right that *all else being equal,* your stepdaughter would be being unreasonable. But all is not equal. This wedding is a symbolic ceremony in which this girl becomes your stepdaughter, and everything you do in regard to that is weighted with symbolism. What does it say to this girl that you chose for her to spend her first moment as your stepdaughter wearing a secondhand dress, while your natural daughters wear new ones? What does it say to her that you find the the painfully obvious symbolism so totally unmoving?
YTA - maybe not intentionally, but nonetheless you are. fix it.
YTA - not about the money, about the principle. In doing this (whether you say you would have done the same for your bio daughters or not) you’ve essentially said “you’re worth less than the the other two”.
I get it, weddings are an expensive game, but this wasn’t the place to make a saving; consider the 150 as being an investment in equality throughout your blended family, you’re going to set the scene for how the family dynamic will work.
YTA. I believe you should buy Kiki the new dress since the price of the new dress is within the budget you suggested. It’s not fair that she is the only one getting a used dress while you’re getting everyone else a new dress. Otherwise, if you truly want to save money, you buy used dresses for everyone.
YTA: You most likely could’ve skimped on something else. I definitely would’ve felt singled out by being the 15y/o step daughter and the only one that wasn’t worthy of a new dress!!! You picked the wrong time to be frugal and most likely f$caked the relationship you are going to have with her.
Congratulations on becoming the “wicked step mom”
I’m going to tell you a story about myself.
The year I was 14, my dad started dating - and quickly moved in with - my now-stepmother. She wasn’t my first stepmother - he married my first stepmother when I was 5, and she never liked me (I wasn’t invited to the wedding), though she learned to tolerate me better after my younger sisters were born when I was 7 and 10, because I was really good at childcare.
Anyway. My first stepmother really didn’t like me, tolerated me at best, so I didn’t have high hopes for number two.
New stepmother came with two daughters, four and six years older than me respectively, and we did Christmas at the new house (my younger sisters stayed with their mother). I didn’t ask for much, because I never asked for much, but I made a list with a few things. That year, because things were new, my dad bought the presents for me and my stepmother bought the presents for her daughters. They got lovely things - fashionable clothing, CDs, trinkets, pyjamas and lingerie from shops that young women like, the kind where they gift wrap your items in tissue paper with scented beads and put it in a gift box and a nice bag. Even seeing the bag under the Christmas tree is a thrill.
My stepsisters are also slim and beautiful and extroverted, and being several years older, they were also in relationships with guys with good jobs. One of them got a Gucci watch from her boyfriend that year, and the other got a diamond tennis bracelet.
I got two sweaters, a couple sizes too big for me, from Marks & Spencer - a store that I shop at *now* but considered an old person shop when I was 14 - and three burned CDs, that my dad had copied from one of my stepsisters, since she had the CDs that I’d put on my Christmas list.
I should clarify: my father is not a mean person. He’s incredibly practical. He’s affected by what I call *engineer brain*, as well as *Capricorn brain* (I don’t even believe in horoscopes, but I find it curious that all the engineers I’ve known have been Capricorns, and all of similar personality) and I suspect he’s autistic, as I am - though he hasn’t learned empathy as well as I have, probably because he never needed to. He’s a basically kind person. But he’s not able to understand how other people feel unless you tell it to him straight, and even then he doesn’t really *get it*, but he does what he can to ensure people feel better even while not understanding why they feel bad.
It would not have occurred to him that a teenage girl would feel othered by getting burned CDs (it wasn’t a question of money, he was loaded), or that there were such things as fashionable shops and unfashionable shops, or that buying his plumpish daughter clothes that were too big might be seen as offensive - or even that dress sizes were a thing. To him, what he gave me was the practical choice. Why waste money on CDs that my stepsister already had? Why buy fashionable clothes that I might grow out of when he could buy me large, warm sweaters from a solid, quality store?
I thanked them politely, because that’s what I was raised to do. I didn’t cry, yell, create a fuss in any way. But my stepmother? Bless her, she *noticed.* She didn’t say anything at the time, didn’t draw comparisons, didn’t tell my dad off in public. But a few weeks later, she declared that she needed a new dress for a performance (she was an opera singer) and that my dad and I should come with her and give our opinions on dresses. We went into the city, and *somehow* my stepmother ended up with her performance dress…and I ended up with basically a new wardrobe. Fashionable things that fit properly. Skirts, tops, a dress, a couple pairs of pants, a hat, sportswear. A few books. A couple pieces of jewellery. And that year my dad “remembered” to send my mom extra money for personal things, and I got a few new spring clothes, as well as my first bra. I’d needed one since I was 9 (and was a D-cup - a very saggy one - by the time I was 14, when this happened) but I’d never had one. My mom was poor and mentally ill, and I was her carer for most of my life, and things like the need for bras and personal hygiene were never taught, and I had to pick them up piecemeal.
And *that* is why I am close to my stepmother, at 40. She notices things, and she has the empathy to put herself in another person’s place and understand how they feel, and she *cares* about how they feel. She could have shrugged and done the bare minimum, and after my first stepmother’s disdain and my mom’s abuse and my dad’s unintentional neglect, I wouldn’t have held it against her. Hell, I might not even have *noticed*. I was used to not being treated well, although I didn’t recognise it as such, at the time. But she didn’t. She made the choice to treat me like one of her daughters, and to do her best to make me feel included and part of the family. Even now, she puts in the effort.
I don’t think you’re necessarily the AH for buying second-hand. That’s a practical choice. YTA for digging in after it was clear that Kiki felt othered and unequal and unloved because of it. You handled everything wrong here. You could have had the dress dry-cleaned, and presented it to Kiki in a dress box, wrapped in tissue paper and covered in scented beads or miniature roses. Or you could have been upfront with her about a used one being available, and offered her the money you saved if she was OK with her dress being used. Or after you knew she was upset, you could have decided that your relationship with your new stepdaughter was worth more than a couple hundred bucks, and apologised and got her a new dress, *even if you think she’s being irrational*.
Stop expecting her to act like an adult, with an adult’s reasoning. She’s not an adult. She’s a teenager with a teenage brain, which means more extreme emotions, poorer impulse control and less ability to see things rationally than an adult has. (That’s a feature of teenagers, not a bug. Those things frequently come along with more compassion and more passion than adults have.) She probably already feels alienated and not good enough, because most teenagers do, and you’ve just given her what will appear to her to be a very clear sign that you see her as less-than, even if that’s not the way you intended it. Apologise, and do what you can to make it right.
I'm of mixed minds on this. I agree with you and I certainly try to save money where I can. And, really, what difference does it make? However, with step kids, things like this are sensitive subjects. I'm going to say YTA. Buy the dress new to save hard feelings or you will regret it.
Sad thing is, the harm is done, even if OP ends up changing her mind and buying the dress new. Making her step-daughter feel less-than has already happened, and it’s going to take a lot more work to fix that.
Maybe offer to buy her a new dress of her choice that she will wear after the wedding. OP,said the stepdaughter would only wear this one once. So tell her she can pick a dress after the wedding that she wants and likes and can wear more than once.
I mean then you've just got the aura of favoritism the other way. Unless you make this all hush-hush, what are her step-sisters going to think when Kiki gets a new dress and they don't?
YTA. My 10 year old, when I read him the story and asked how he thinks the stepdaughter must feel being the only one not getting a new bridesmaid dress, summed it up perfectly I think: unwanted. I know I personally would feel like I clearly don't matter as much as her other (biological) kids and yeah, it would hurt.
Especially when the girls own father decided side with this woman, omg one would think he would be on his daughter's side on this.
What does this tell his daughter she is unwanted and will be cast aside. Horrible
YTA.
I get your reasoning for the bargain, but asking her to pay the difference for a new dress is why you are the AH.
Everyone gets a new dress, but she has to pay for hers?
You could have salvaged this situation if you offered her the $150 you saved to get something nice for her.
YTA, I’m afraid. Your logic is sound, but this is a time and an event full of emotion — logic is not your friend here. And asking Kiki to pay the difference *for a dress for your wedding* was really bad form.
Too late, but better to have asked her if she’d prefer a new dress, or the same dress worn once + the difference in cash. The argument that you’re buying her shoes, etc, etc doesn’t hold up because you’re doing that for your bio daughters.
Consider a redo — this dress is tainted. Tell Kiki you were wrong to choose practicality over feelings. Ask Kiki if she’d like to start fresh and find an entirely new dress.
The damage has already been done though. OP can get all the new dresses she wants, Kiki will know it's only damage control. OP made it clear to Kiki she wasn't worth a new dress worth $200. Just a hand me down "with no stains and no smells".
Because lets be real, there's no way she just happened to stumble opon the exact same dress in the exact size needed by chance. She went looking for it. And while OP stated she would get the other dresses second hand if she could, she has given no indication she went looking for any of them.
YTA- your daughters are getting NEW dresses which they will only wear 1 Time, so if you are so concerned about wasting money buy all used dresses or step up buy your Step daughter a brand New dress you cheap ass. She should not have to pay anything. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Gentle yta. Look, I get that you had good intentions. But from sd's perspective, she got secondhand when your biological daughters got new. It doesn't matter to her that you would have gotten theirs secondhand if you could, only that she gets secondhand and they get new. Personally, I would have explained the situation and offered to split the difference - she gets secondhand and $75 cash, you still save $75 - but with the caveat that she gets new if she really wants it. This has torched your relationship with her over $150 that, by the sounds of it, you could have afforded to swallow.
YTA. You gave her a budget and she found a dress within budget and you went ahead and found a cheap one and by asking her to make up the difference you're in effect further reducing her budget to $50 while everyone else still have the $200 budget.
I understand you're being practical, but to her, you're the evil stepmother.
$150 is not worth the damage to the relationship with your stepdaughter. The difference in cost is a minor line item in your wedding budget. It’s a huge amount to pay out of her own pocket to get a new dress like everyone else. You’re turning the opportunity to have chosen a dress she liked for your wedding into an awful experience. Whether it’s reasonable or not, she will remember how her 15-year old self felt wearing that used dress at your wedding forever. If you can’t see that, YTA.
Wow, yall ain't even married yet and you're already the evil stepmother. How do you not see how it looks like when everyone gets new dresses, but the stepdaughter-to-be doesn't?
Great job, YTA
oh boy. Maybe you don't mean to be TA, but you are coming across as one. Kiki hasn't learned the value of a dollar and how satisfying it is to get a deal. But she's 15. And to her and your fiancé's family, you ARE looking like TA, because she is the ONLY one with a used dress. She is also the only outsider in the group. You're already spending 200-250 on the other dresses. Why does she have to be 'different'?
This is going to be a tough start for you with her because of your desire for a 'deal' at the cost of your relationship with Kiki from here on out. The rest of the group (including YOUR girls and probably YOUR friends) are getting new dresses so she already feels excluded, like Cinderella the stepdaughter. Even if she's going to have her "hair and makeup done with us" that's small comfort for a 15 y/o who likely already feels like an outsider. Maybe you secretly want her to feel that way so she spends less time with her dad? Sorry - but that is a logical conclusion given the situation.
Your fiancé agreeing with you just shows how clueless he is about a 15 y/o's feelings. A 15 y/o who is now going to have to share her dad with a woman who is not her mother, and two other children.
Might want to reconsider your position if you truly want her in your husband's life. And I'm kind of wondering if you were actually purposely searching for her dress on the FB buy/sell groups? People don't just 'stumble' on a specific used dress their wedding party sent them a link to. Bet you did not do the same with your daughters' and friends' dresses. Sorry, but the whole feel of your post has me suspicious.
Both you and your future husband are AH ... If you weren't and you wanted to save $ everyone would get second hand dresses not just the step daughter...
YTA way to immediately show Kiki that you hate her. If one dress is brought used and gross than ALL should have been. Even worn once a used dress is gross to wear.
Listen, I get the practicality of this decision. But $150 is not a lot of money. You have effectively singled out your step child for so little money. Is her attitude wrong? Yeah. But you are having ZERO empathy for her.
She needs to be made to feel special just as much as everyone else is being made to feel special.
I'm just going to say at the point, chalk it up to a loss of $50 and pick her to a dress used. Or find something of similar value that is special only to her.
Right now YTA. You can either start the relationship out on a bad step over the money, or you can eat crow. For fucks sake, are a 15 year old girl. She's already stressed by this.
YTA. What a way to start your life with your step daughter by giving her a second hand dress when there is a low likelihood of you magically finding anyone else’s dress secondhand. She’s not going to forget this is how you treated her compared to your own daughters.
NTA. Weddings are expensive and you are being quite generous in buying dresses for everyone. You got her the exact dress she wanted and saved quite a bit of money in doing so, and it’s still a new to her dress. It’s not like you are telling her she has to wear something already in her closet while everyone else gets something new.
The important peice of info thats missing here is if OP is also thrifting her own daughters dresses or if they get brand new ones. Because if she's buying them brand new ones and then thrifting her step daughters it's a whole lot of evil step mother vibes.
OP said if she found any of the other bridal party’s dresses second hand she would buy them, so I would guess that includes her own daughter’s dresses.
It’s also worth noting that the groom agreed with the bride. If he had a problem with his daughter’s dress being second hand he could step up and buy it brand new.
If the could, she would. Defenitly. But would she? Will she? Men often go with the persuasive talk one displays on them... Different values, I guess. How has this whole ordeal been presented to him? Look at Anastasia and Drizella how beautiful they are... And Ciderella is pretty, too. Too bad she is in such a sour mood. Almost as she doesn't want the wedding to happen... Poor OP, she's done everything in her power to make EVERYBODY happy.
Isn’t it weird though to be like “I’m buying everyone’s dresses” and 4/5 of those dresses are for your children, step-child, and yourself? Like were the kids expected to buy their own dresses for this wedding??? 😳
She said 5 members of her bridal party, that doesn't include herself. Also she seemed to more be emphasizing that she was spending a total of a grand on the dresses altogether and is looking to save money, not the number of people in the bridal party.
YUCKS... everyone gets a brand new dress... but the step daughter gets an used one. Yes... the new mommy is very generous... saved $150 and made her step daughter feel like less than ... Plus..lots of people do not like to wear clothes that belonged to strangers...
YTA.
I'd be happy enough with a 2nd hand dress, and I'm sure she might have been under other circumstances, but her point is that you are treating her differently than your own kids, which isn't the way to start with a blended family.
This was a defining moment in you and KiKi’s relationship and you blew it. Ohhhhh, you fucked up big time.
And of course the man who shares your bed is gonna say “yes dear.” He wants to keep sharing your bed!
YTA.
YTA
She's 15 and getting a new mom. Her whole life is changing. Shes going through a lot of stress and at that age, hand me downs arent cool so that was just the cherry on top. This isnt the real problem, she obviously has a lot of stress and anxiety about her life changing so suddenly and this just set her off. You have to think from *her* perspective, not yours. Because who's the adult here? Be the bigger person.
By buying your step daughter a used dress and your daughter’s new, you are telling her she is less important. That’s not a good look when building this new family.
Unfortunately the damage is done now.
I would suggest you get your daughter’s used or cheap accessories and shoes but get step daughter new or more expensive and phrase it to all as there is a total budget for each person and as her dress was cheaper there was more for her extras.
YTA for not caring about her feelings.
YTA, by you own post, you are spending 1k in dresses for 5 people. That means that each other person’s dress comes out to 237.50(give or take)
You give off evil step mother vibes. So everyone else is worth $200 for a dress except Kiki and she has to pay the difference if she wants the $200 dress.
If I was her dad, I would cancel this whole wedding because you have finally shown him how you really think of his daughter compared to everyone else.
They say weddings show who a bride truly is and I hope he wises up after seeing the real you
This one is tricky. I totally see where you are coming from, but a 15 year old girl doesn't have the life experience to appreciate this bargain. She just knows that her dress is "less than" all the other garments. This dilemma is further complicated by the fact that she's your step-daughter-to-be. It's too bad she had to find out her dress is used. I think you should consider offering her all or part of the difference/$150. That's a lot of money for a 15 yo, and might make the bargain "worth it" to her. She might even end up liking that deal better.
It's just, in this scenario you're setting a dangerous prescidance, ya know?
Save $150.00 - or ensure your stepdaughter feels secure in the blended family dynamic.
YTA.
Not for buying the dress used, but for making it a point of telling her you've bought her a used dress. If the dress is in as good of condition as you say, she wouldn't have known and no harm, bo foul. By making it a point of telling her, yeah, she's getting a used dress. You've made her feel she's less than because she isn't your biological daughter.
The dress isn't the issue it's the perceived message you've sent.
> I spoke with my fiance and he agrees with me.
I see that everyone has pointed out YTA based on the dress alone. But OP, it is not a good idea to cause rifts between father and daughter like this.
I'm sure your practical approach appealed to a man because they won't understand the symbolism of your choice. He won't see that you've searched online to cut corners with his daughter and not your own (which would be easy, given their ages).
For the sake of your marriage, you need to be very careful. Not saying you did this, but using "your father agrees with me" to win arguments with a teenage girl is a surefire way to make her feel like she isn't a part of the family. This is a very formative time for her, and if you want to foster a good relationship with both your husband and this child, please do not drag him into disputes. If he loses his relationship with his daughter over you... well, we've all seen The Parent Trap. People generally don't take kindly to that. The success of your marriage relies on forming a close bond with his little girl.
Uh, it makes sense but options for a 15 year stepdaughter are real. Now everyone is getting hundred + dollar dresses and she’s getting a use one for $50. It just comes across as being cheap because it’s her regardless of what the thought process was.
How come everyone else is having new clothes except your stepdaughter? Then when she complains tell her she need to pay for a new dress? Does your two darling daughters also paid you for their new dresses? YTA evil stepmother
YTA
THIS is what she will remember about your wedding YOU being too cheap to buy her an unused dress.
And **you are doing your best to make sure that your new blended family will not work: YOUR kids get NEW dresses, your stepdaughter gets some used stuff.**
The only question is: Are you that clueless, or just a hostile AH?
Maybe she has enough sense to drop out of your wedding party and the wedding. That way she won't need a dress.
YTA. A parent's remarriage is a really emotionally loaded for a kid and you just sent Kiki a concerning message about how she'll fare in this new order.
Don't get me wrong - I can see why you jumped on the chance, but you should have gotten her consent to wear a used dress and backed way off when she said that she minded. Telling a kid to pay for her own bridesmaid's dress for her father's wedding is ridiculous, as was throwing the other things you're buying for her in her face, given that your daughters are (most likely) getting the same and that this wedding/marriage is not something she chose.
Digging in your heels may be penny-wise but it's pound-foolish.
YTA
She'll remember how her step-mother bought new dresses for her daughters, and a used one for her step-daughter.
Why even tell her it was used? You're looking at this as an adult, not as a 15yo girl. If I were Kiki i would be VERY upset at you, and resentful towards you precious little daughters that get new dresses while she gets "no smells or stains" clothes.
Wonderful start for this relationship, asking a 14yo to pay you 150$
YTA, if your children aren't wearing second hand. This is a really bad way to try to blend a family by treating his child differently than yours. I am sure your future husband wouldn't be happy with that either.
YTA. So just your step daughter gets a used dress? No. That’s not ok. You obviously looked to find the used version of just her dress. I’m disappointed in her father that he’s not seeing your behavior as a red flag.
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YTA Your reasoning was totally sound. Weddings are expensive so save where you can. The dress you found is in like-new condition and the correct size. Like you said a total steal. Too late now but why did you inform Kiki you found it used? Did she really need to know? She obviously feels singled out by her stepmom to be. Everyone else is getting a new dress, and she gets a used one. Then instead of seeing her position you tell her she can pay $150 to get a new dress. I get you are being practical, but this isn't a great start to fostering a good relationship between you and Kiki. You coldly disregarded her feeling excluded.
If anything, she should have asked her first; 'Hey, I can get your $200 dress for $50! Would you like me to do that and you can have (or we can split) the other $150?!" and she would probably have gone for it. Asking her to pay the difference is just the worst.
That's missing the entire point, which is to save money because the wedding and dresses are expensive. OP is getting a 15yo a dress for a wedding, not buying Christmas gifts and having to make sure everyone gets the same value in gifts
From the perspective of the new stepdaughter, OP, her girls and everyone else is getting new clothes and she isn't. Is $150 going to make or break OP? I'm assuming not, because she OK'd the dress when she still thought she was going to pay $200 for it. So, is it worth making her new stepdaughter feel 'other' right out of the gate for $150?
OP could get her own daughters used dresses too and make a big show of how she saved on all the kids dresses so stepdaughter doesn’t feel so othered. Her kids are 8 and 12 so going to grow out of their dresses immediately anyway. This way she’s not playing favorites with the kids and maybe stepsister can even help them search through thrift stores, make it a girls day out.
Yeah because it’s that easy to find the exact dress second hand. She found this by chance.
It sounds like OP is just doing a color scheme, not exactly matching dresses. The 12 year old likely will want a say in her dress, but they could still look for used dresses. OP could find something in the right color for the younger child for sure. Most 8 year olds are very easily persuaded by Mommy saying, "Isn't this beautiful. You would look like a princess in this for Mommy's wedding."
I have an 8 yr old girl and she’s at least 2 years too old for, “Don’t you want to look like a princess?”
Yeah, my 8 year old has a very particular style, I very rarely buy clothes for her now if she's not there because if she doesn't like it she just won't wear it. She's been the same for several years, I can potentially sway her, but I definitely wouldn't buy without her approval for something like a flower girl dress!
I have a 3 year old niece who cannot be persuaded for some clothes for longer than a picture and even then it’s pure luck if she isn’t crying in said picture.
It actually IS that easy - there are loads on Vinted and various sites. I recently bought six chiffon bridesmaid dresses (bride wanted a pastel rainbow) from different sellers, and we outfitted the entire wedding party for under £100, including alterations - and that was ages 6-44! There are so many options out there in perfect condition, and a lot of people bundle their matching little girl dresses and sell them together.
My wife bought her wedding dress on eBay for $250. The person had it custom made for 3 thousand and sold it cheap because she was getting divorced and wanted everything from her marriage gone. My wife was stoked, she then spent another 250 for customisations on it, namely on changing how the back panel did up. The only thing I would say op could do differently is to get the other kids their dresses second hand and only then tell her so daughter, if at all.
No I’m saying take the younger girls thrift shopping to pick out their dresses. They are 8 and 12 and OP being their mother could absolutely say, “ok girls these thrift dresses are the only ones you can choose from. My friend thrift shops all the time and she finds the cutest clothes, lots of it in new condition. Especially for wedding attire I’m sure OP could find her girls something they like that’s also used. Especially with dresses only used once really.
There's a reason OP didn't troll FB marketplace for her daughters' and friends' dresses. It has nothing to do with frugality. Sorry, but I'm truly cynical about OP's attitude towards her new stepdaughter. I've seen such scenarios play out this way even with dear friends who are otherwise kind. When it comes to step-kids, they come second. Not always, of course.
Yeah, I know. I try to be an optimist sometimes. But we all know why OP was able to find the exact right dress in the exact right color and size. She didn’t happen upon it, she was looking for it. And we also know OP isn’t going to try to fix it even though a bunch of people have told her she’s an AH.
Of course she was looking for it. She was looking for the dress, period. She probably searched it on google and it popped up on MP because of their advertising algorithm. Do you really think she could find 3 of the same dresses on her local MP in different sizes? No way!
I agree that this is an interesting “coincidence”, but she doesn’t need 3 identical dresses. She’s just shopping by color.
Right, but step daughter sent her a link to the specific dress she wanted. I know when I look at stuff online, I always get matching items in MP. It may have just popped up in her feed. Not to mention, did her own daughters get to choose their own dresses? Step daughter may be special in that she gets to choose rather than OP choosing for her. OP also says step daughter is a bridesmaid, and does not say the same about her own daughters. Also, who says she didn't look on MP for her own daughters too? Finding the perfect dress her step daughter wanted and then 2 more dresses in thr same color, in the appropriate sizes, all on MP would be virtually impossible.
There's no way she just happened across the dress on marketplace. She was clearly searching for it or something similar, which tells me she absolutely would have bought it for whoever it would fit in their party. Why would she be searching MP PURELY to find her step daughters dress? To even think you would find the exact dress on there would be ridiculous
au contraire - it's actually quite easy to find similar outfits WHEN ONE IS LOOKING. There is NO WAY she was going to get a used dress for her daughters and friends. This whole thing is suss imo.
This is completely insane. The stepdaughter got the exact dress she wanted, in perfect condition, but she is somehow the victim? No she is just acting extremely childish, there is no reason to pay an extra 150 for the exact same thing
Let’s be real a dress for an 8 and 12 year old isn’t going to cost nearly the same, they’re still kids. kids dresses are a lot cheaper than dresses made to fit a fully formed body too
But it’s the exact same dress! 15yrold is not being asked to compromise what she wants. She is getting what she wanted. So what happens if the other girls’ want dresses that cannot be found used? Should they now be asked compromise what they want and select from only the available used dresses? They are all getting equitably valued outfits. Finding 15yrold’s dream dress at a 75% discount was happenstance.
The thing is she is not playing favorites. If any other dress was found in the same condition she would buy it used. She's nta here. It sounds like this kid is used to getting everything expensive and new. At the end of the day, if it's the exact same dress what is the issue? It's not like she bought a dress with holes and stains and told her to wear it.
If it’s make or break then she needs to get her own kids used dresses too They did not need to inform the kid it was used Completely singled out Sounds purposely like being mean to step kid
She probably just told her because she didn't see anything wrong with it, like all normal people.
But then dresses for 8 and 12yo kids are ususally way cheaper than regular dresses. So even if they are new, they'll likely be around the same price range as the used dress.
**OP is making sure that her stepdaughter understands for the beginning that nice new stuff is only for OP's bio kids.**
And even if that wasn't OP's intention, that's exactly how it's going to come across to a 15 year old who is the only one getting something used when everyone else gets something new.
In OP’s mind (and most of ours, probably) it’s about saving money. In 15 year old (!!) stepdaughters mind she is being put in an inferior position to her new siblings and this is her life now. She is Cinderella in a world where no ball/prince/fairy godmother is going to save her.
Nope. Nope Nope Nope. Stepdaughter got 2nd hand while the other kids got brand new. Stop and think about that. Money should not be considered in this situation, only the valid feelings of the stepdaughter.
Well, it's OP's first step as a step parent. And the first statement is saying step daughter is not worth 150 dollars. Not a good start
Still she is the only one getting a used dress. She said if she found the other dresses on a Facebook site she would but she didn't. Only the soon to be stepdaughter's was used. While the others, including her 2 children are getting brand new. You can't do that. The practical, saving money part can't be used in this instance. She wants to hopefully build a relationship with her new stepdaughter and make her feel like she would never treat her as less than compared to her own. And that's exactly what this probably did. I agree with the other commenter, she didn't even have to tell anyone it was used, if she really wanted to save the money. Hopefully this doesn't ruin their relationship before the marriage has even started. If I were OP, I'd apologize, say you weren't thinking clearly, maybe make a joke about being a bidezilla (hopefully a 15 year old girl will find that funny) and of course she should have a brand new dress and op buy it. Soft YTA. Soft only because I understand money can be tight. But YTA because this isn't the time and your stepdaughter isn't the person to be saving money on.
I feel like there are better ways to save money than the stepdaughters dress. Also OP would have already budgeted x amount for bridesmaids. I don't see her telling her daughters to choose a dress in the 50$ price range ...
And this so out of any sense - new dress to put it once, the world is burning in heat and we still need more and more new things just to apeace the drama. OP said she will look for more dresses second hand for other girls too - so she wouldnt be the only one.
This really wasn’t the best place to save $150 and to double down on it. And this wasn’t any wedding . It was the only wedding that will ever happen that firms this as a family. It’s not the same as Christmas which comes every year.
The father could have paid the 200 bucks for a new dress. The girl is 15 not too many places hire at that young age she probably doesn't have a job
She's 15! Why are you splitting the saved 150 with her?? It's not her money. Why are you suggesting op gives 150? Becuase the dress she will probably wear once was cheaper than the other bridesmaids? If it was her prom dress, or a dress she'd given the money for then yes I agree with you. Op probably should not have told her, should have just said she'd got the dress.
If it was her daughter, I would say "Like it or lump it" but since it's her new step daughter, I think that OP should have handled this with more sensitivity. That's all.
Yeah, I like this. YTA. Also I find it... coincidental that the exact dress the step-daughter wanted was seen, quite by chance, by OP. Available to view locally. No effort made on OPs part searching every Web page and thrift store for this exact dress, just a happy coincidence.
You haven’t been stalked by Facebook then eh? Any links that people send me soon show up on Facebook. And I ask my phone not to share info. Facebook just knows. Lol
I agree that OP should have mentioned it before going through with buying it. Now OP is probably out $50 on top of whatever the stepdaughter picks out now.
She’s 15 and getting a dress for free? Why would she get the money? This is just so stupid to me, the girl is getting a free dress but is upset that there wasn’t more money spent on it first? That’s ridiculous and she’s straight up spoiled.
Because her father is marrying someone who is not her mother. Because the bride has two daughters who are getting new dresses. Because now she's going to feel second best, right from the wedding. The symbolism is more important than the money. Offering her the money (or half, as I suggested) would be a way to smooth over the fact that OP screwed this up from the get go.
I couldn't work until I was 16. Literally every dress I got when I was 15 was for free bc parents buy their kids clothes
What she could do is offer to the stepdaughter that she could buy the dress new or she could use the $150 on something else that the stepdaughter has wanted or a bonding experience. New clothes, some makeup, a day trip somewhere. And if she wants to save money I’m sure she’ll be able to find other dresses used
> Too late now but why did you inform Kiki you found it used? Did she really need to know? Have you ever in your life met a woman who, when asked about a beautiful dress, didn’t say either, “I got it on sale!” and/or “Thanks! It has pockets!” If a dress was purchased for a steal, you will be told. It is almost woman law that that information be shared. It is nearly impossible to just say, “Thank you!”
But Kiki's not a woman....she's 15. She's not looking for a great bargain, she wants to be treated the same as her stepsisters
Some kids are really good ar thrifting. But OP is definitely YTA for saying kiki needs to pay the difference. If anything they should offer her either $150 or another dress
Or say she can get more expensive shoes or jewellery. Suggesting she pay the extra when she had already been given a budget (that the $200 was presumably with in) is major AH behaviour.
You tell that to other adult women, not children
And not stepchildren who may already be feeling a certain way about their parent getting remarried. The whole thing was incredibly tone-deaf.
Truth! My kid found her prom dress for $60 freaking dollars. Retail estimate $200-300. I told everyone i knew
And that's awesome! But she had the agency to make that choice, which is not the case for poor Kiki.
women aren't actually a monolith & not all of them aim to look like the evil stepmother from a fairytale before they're even married ;-)
Why are we acting like reusing something that will be worn literally one time instead of buying more textile waste is shameful instead of the right thing to do? More people should be doing this.
Yes, buying second hand clothes is great. So if OP cares about sustainability, they should have bought everyone used dresses. But they didn't, they only singled out the stepdaughter. So it's clearly less about textile waste and more about being unwilling to pay for a new dress for the stepdaughter specifically.
The problem isn't that the dress is used, it's that only the stepdaughter's dress is used.
Then she should do it for everyone including a used wedding dress. But is she?
Yup. I wouldn't give a damn. If the dress was stained, smelled bad or something then yeah, I'd have an issue. But it's a dress in great condition that's going to be worn once. And has already only been worn once most likely. So who cares if it's brand new or not? I really don't get this mindset.
I understand your point here but I think it’s silly that Kiki is placing so much worth on whether a dress is “new” or “used” This is a good time to teach all the kids about budgeting. She got the exact dress she wanted and others can do the same. As for fostering a relationship, I understand that so maybe do something special to bond with her. But you don’t want to start a relationship with her thinking she can complain and get exactly what she wants
The kids all had a budget & Kiki worked within the framework, but the OP went ahead & made a choice without any discussion. Now, Kiki’s being punished because her budget’s been reduced & she has to contribute her own money to buy the dress she’d already been promised. And it’s not about the dress itself. She’s 16 & the OP just stomped all over her autonomy, punished her for being disappointed & made her feel ‘less than’ everyone else. That’s not ‘silly’ & it’s a crap thing to do to a kid. Especially a kid who’s about to be legally hitched into a blended family.
I’m siding with the kid too. This situation sounds awful for her. Not a good way to start this new chapter in their relationship at all.
Exactly.
I think it may be more than that. Usually the "presenting issue" isn't the real issue. Wondering if Kiki generally doesn't feel accepted. That's why she interpreted this as being singled out.
It's mind boggling that OP is expecting her step daughter to compromise on a dress to save OP money when OP was the one to set the original budget and the step daughter stayed within the budget. If OP was so worried about the budget for dresses, she should have set a lower budget or picked a dress of a certain price.
Teaching kids how to budget is so important! This isn't a great moment for the lesson. First, because OP already set a budget and Kiki stayed within it. Second, because this is such an important moment for their relationship and a small lesson on frugality shouldn't come at the cost of making Kiki feel singled out and less than within her new blended family.
Yeah. The lesson on frugality would be giving her the difference of the new dress. As it is, Kiki doesn’t get the reward of “the big steal” so there’s absolutely nothing for her to learn other than her new step mom is buying her a used dress while her kids get new ones
Im sorry, but the wedding with her father is not a good time to start teaching her about budgeting. Its like the worst time you could pick. Op, you could have offered her some advantage in the cheaper dress. Instead you took the decision ability away from her, and she now feels less than. Yta
and when Kiki pointed out this flaw in OP's reasoning, she gets this: >I spoke with my fiance and he agrees with me. We told Kiki if she wants the dress brand new, she can pay the difference. so on top of giving an ill-timed lesson on frugality, OP is also making sure Kiki understands her dad is wrapped around OP's little finger & won't be any help to Kiki.
Except that only the stepdaughter is budgeting... Don't be surprised when actual fights start in the "new" family. This is also an excellent oportunity to teach the OP's daughters that stepsister gets budgeting clothes and it is OK for HER to get lesser value things...
It sounds like Kiki is being treated like Cinderella...I just hope there's a fairy godmother (or father) somewhere for the poor girl
But it doesn't teach Kiki anything about budgeting when she doesn't benefit from the savings. A better lesson would have been "Hey I found the dress you want second hand, if you get this one you'll have more money to spend on your accessories, what do you want to do?"
From Kiki's perspective, every bridesmaid got a new dress but her.
Many people feel weird wearing clothes worn by someone else. They don’t feel completely clean to them.
OP is doing special to bond with Kiki alright : she's telling her to spend her own money (does a 15 yo even have money? I sure didn't, even my birthday money went into the bank, where I couldn't access it).
I think it's pretty obvious that it is an used dress because it doesn't have the original bag and price tag
Agreed 100%. Weddings are expensive, frugality where possible is commendable, but when working to blend families your pocketbook sometimes has to take one for the team to avoid the appearance of favoritism and the initial seeds of resentment.
Okay, I am a thrifty person. My own wedding dress was also used, so I absolutely support that. **However**, in this particular situation, YTA. You are blending families. This child is already stressed out and worried about what is coming. This makes her feel less important than your daughters and makes her fear for what the future holds. That really sucks for her.
However, if I were you, I would find another $150 and then ask you soon-to-be step daughter if she would prefer a new bridesmaid dress (she may also be nervous or self-conscious about everyone looking at her on the day - particularly your side of the family) or to buy an outfit that she’ll wear more than once with it. Investing $150 in your relationship with her is really important.
>or to buy an outfit that she’ll wear more than once with it. Investing $150 in your relationship with her is really important. i actually think this is the best idea yet. 1. communicates the value of the money saved on the used dress she'll only wear once, 2. works on building the relationship
And it's equitable w/ the dress budget of OP's bio daughters
This is such a great idea. The bridesmaid dress is not likely to be worn again, but spending the extra $150 on new clothes that can be worn again is very cost effective
This. Except I'd probably say she can spend the money on clothes or something else she wants, or even an experience (concert or special dinner etc). Show her that she's important. Show her that saving money in one area means you have more for another. 15 is so hard. Try to understand her feelings, not just focus on the money
Or use that money into something you can do together- a spa day before the wedding, girls night, something that is just for the two of you and gives her something to be happy about.
Buy her the new dress OR make sure you go and buy used dresses for your daughters. Simple. Otherwise you're just singling her out as less-than and her father should really assess whether this marriage is right.
Oh my gosh I totally thought this was red flag 🚩 worthy too but I didn’t want to bring it up too much. So glad I’m not the only one who is like “nope! This relationship is not on the right path the way things are.”
The father seems to agree with OP. I fear for Kiki's future
Is $150 worth the relationship between you and your step daughter? If it is to you, then go ahead. People remember how you make them feel. She will remember for the rest of her life how shitty you make her feel. And over $150? Pst
Bingo
YTA You are thinking like an adult trying to save some money instead of a 15 year old. I mean you are leaning right into the Cinderella evil step-mother trope. Giving your 2 girls new things and she gets used, good-enough, thrifted clothes. I get the urge to save some bucks but you've made Kiki feel like she's less-than and that sucks and is a really crappy way to start a marriage and your step-parenting relationship.
And honestly, how much is she saving overall? $1000 for bridesmaid dresses (everything below this is speculation) $1000 for wedding dress $1000 for venue $1000 for catering (assuming alcohol is involved) $1000 for all other expenses That estimates to $5000 (pretty low for the average event-wedding these days). So you maybe saved 3% on getting a used dress instead of a new one? Was that 3% worth making her new stepdaughter feel this way and have to try and forced to try to handle it like an adult and understand? I, as someone in a blended family, strongly say it is not worth it.
I had a backyard wedding (literally in my parents backyard), second hand dress, no bridesmaids/groomsmen, buffet-style bbq catering, cupcakes for dessert, and it was $10-$15k counting everything. And that was with my photographer cousin doing my photography for free as a wedding gift! $150 is probably like…1% or less of what she’s going to spend overall.
YTA. You want your new stepdaughter to be excited for this wedding and to feel like she is part of the family? Then buy her a new dress. You tipped the scales on the AH behavior when you told her that she could pay the difference between a new and used dress. You told her she could get the dress she wanted within a certain budget and then when she has selected and was excited about it you decided that used was okay. Again, do you want her to be excited and welcoming? Do you even want her to attend?
I want to add another question here. Is OP hoping someone else will buy Kiki’s dress? Like a relative or even Kiki’s mom? Because the way she says it, it’s like why would a 15 year old have to buy their own dress to be in their dad’s wedding party??? What child would ever have to do that?
Yeah. She said that she has a $200 budget for the dress. Found the dress for $50 and then is saying that if she wants the new dress, to cough up the $150 for it? What? It would make sense if Kiki was demanding a dress that cost more than the budget, but asking her to cover the difference from the used dress and the rest of the budget she was given is just stupid.
OP mentioned in a comment that every other dress is being ordered from the same place (or so it seems), but that they all will come in garment bags. Except for the stepdaughters. For a 15 year old, of course that feels like you’re being singled out.
It IS being singled out. As an adult, it's a little thing that doesn't bother you... but we're talking about a 15 year old stepchild, and little or not, this event is very likely to burn a negative opinion of stepmom into her brain for the rest of time.
Yea I agree completely.
Yes and it's a big thing to go to the shop to pick them up. You try it on one more time and flounce around. It's fun. So now that will be the daughters getting to do that and the stepdaughter being left out, or worse having to tag along and watch.
I think your last sentence is on point. I'm not trusting the pure motives of this OP.
Everyone saying Nta is thinking like a grown up on the outside not a 15 year old whose outnumbered by her dads new family and the first real family event the stepsisters and even moms friends get everything new and you don’t just to save some money I mean her dad has 2 new daughters now too so she’s the oldest the cheapest and wondering if this is gonna be life from now on sister getting new things and her getting cheaper used cuz it “looks fine” you might have done a very small thing in your mind but you just told that little girl she had to pay to be treated the same in her eyes even on her dads wedding day
How did you just “come across” the exact dress that matched hers and only hers in her size on Facebook marketplace or were you looking to see if you could find hers cheaper
You do know that Facebook watches your searches and then put in ads for similar items, right? It happens all the time
I’m aware of that but it seems she wasn’t looking into this specific dress everyone sent her what they want and a bunch of different dresses in the same color but different sizes and designs leading to an identical one in her size only hers in a group she’s in already DOESNT seem realistic if it were a dress she looked into or had open on her phone and a random add for a random size not linked with these groups I could have bought the story easier but this seems a little too convenient for only her new stepdaughters dress right size right design and someone she’s already connected to
I’ve never bought shoes on Facebook Marketplace but somehow it shows me mostly size 8s. I assume something something cookies.
Depending on your location, it is absolutely feasible. Also, she never mentioned her daughters dresses. She could very well end up thrifting their dresses as well.
This is weird to me too. Unless it’s a really popular color and style it’s very odd to find the exact same dress in the exact right size within your own same area of the world (I’m assuming since OP was able to go and look at the dress in person). I’m wondering if the used dress is only close to what the stepdaughter chose and not the exact same dress but OP is leaving that part out. Like the stepdaughter wants a designer dress and OP found a cheap knock off because it “looks the same”.
With it being $200, it's probably one of the brands that caters specifically towards bridesmaids dresses, like Azazia. They have a set number of colors, and their colors are standard across the entire brand. You can mix and match dress styles and still get the exact same color across them, as long as you stick to the same brand. All of the dresses come in tiers of how dressy they are, with the plainest dresses being like $99, then a tier up is like $125, then $150-$175, and $200 is normally their dressiest styles.
Then shouldn’t it be fairly easy to find the other bridal party dresses used? At least more than just the one.
Some styles are obviously more popular than others, and depending on the rest of the bridal party's sizes, it's hard to guess. The dress I chose ended up being the one one of them in that cut, color, and size that they'd sold in 2+ years... so not always. Especially with some of the brands that have 50+ different styles.
I don’t know because the way it sounds stepdaughter started in parameters and budget op set but was knocked down anyways
Bridesmaid dresses tend to follow color and style schemes for at least a few years. How many of you remember seeing or wearing slim-silhouetted periwinkle bridesmaid dresses in the early 2000s? 🙋🏼♀️ Me. My sister twice. All different but similarly styled dresses in the exact same color, because that was the trend then. So that in addition to Skynet "listening" in on our internet searches makes it entirely plausible that OP came across this used dress because the algorithm served it up to her.
And dad agreeing with you will tell her that he cares more about money and “keeping the peace” with his new family than her feelings I hope he sorts himself and learns to back his daughter when treatment gets unfair because you asking her to pay to get the same standards as your friends and her stepsisters sets a bad precedent
You would not be the A H for being thrifty. But YTA for being so dismissive of how this feels to her. Even when lots of people here are telling you, it feels like you’re glossing over it. You could’ve asked her to look at and consider the dress before purchasing, you could have offered to get her something nice with a bit of the money saved. But - how did you manage to find the exact dress in the perfect size on the big ol’ internet? Pretty sure you went searching high and low for it
Yep, the chances of finding the exact dress in the exact size randomly is pretty much glitch in the matrix level of coincidence. Feels like she went out of her way to find used dresses and could only find this one. Such a bad look for $150.
Yes this. What are the odds she stumbled across the exact dress in the right size on a local fb group?
If it’s a David’s Bridal or other chain dress, then higher chances than you’d think. I’ve actually purchased a bridesmaid dress for myself off of FB marketplace. The bride had picked out a David’s Bridal dress in burgundy and someone was selling the exact same one in my size. I then sold that dress to another woman who needed it for a wedding she was in. I’ve also found another David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress on Poshmark, also ironically in burgundy. And I wore that dress to two separate weddings as a bridesmaid. And at my own wedding like 6 years ago, the bridesmaids wore burgundy dresses and mostly from David’s Bridal lmao
You can be right but still wrong.
Underrated comment
“No stains, no smells” for step daughter and brand new for bio daughters. Regardless of cost, that’s fucked up.
The bio daughters aren't even bridesmaids.
YTA Buying your daughter's new dresses and buying your soon to be step daughter a used, second hand dress is so Lady Tremaine. >The dress new online is $200. The person was selling it for $50 and just wanted it gone. I’ve seen the dress in person. No stains, no smells. Truly a steal. So, I bought it. 🤣🤣🤣
OP would have us believe by some wild coincidence that she just happened across the exact dress in the right size. Please be fr OP. You looked it up.
I loved the "no smells."
YTA unless your kids are getting used shoes and accessories while Kiki gets new ones. If everyone is getting new shoes and accessories then your comment to Kiki would be pointless. It isn't about nit getting anything new. It is about the stepchild getting treated less than the biokids. Even if you didn't mean it that way. It is not a good look. Can you figure out what the budgeted amount is that gives each kid 1/3rd of the total? Then, maybe let Kiki use her extra amount saved on the dress to buy nicer jewelry? She is of an age to start appreciating things and something she can wear often would be special for her to remember the day her family grew.
So essentially you decided your stepdaughter isn’t worth $150.
YTA for being a "cheap ass" like your family member told you. A used dress is still a used dress. Is the bride also wearing a used dress? Are your daughters also wearing a used dress. If you're not buying a used dress for anyone else then you are the AH to your soon to be step daughter.
I’m going to say YTA. In a practical sense, what you are doing is fine. However, this young lady’s life is being completely turned upside down, and now she has two little sisters who will be getting all the attention. I think it would be worth it to just get a new dress for her.
Yta unless you're buying a used wedding dress, bc hey, it doesn't matter, right? And it's waaaaay less expensive. What you're paying overall is *irrelevant*. It's your wedding. What your actions have told your soon to be step daughter is that she isn't worth a new dress. Yikes. Nice way to start a blended family. Hope that $150 was worth it.
Are you buying your own daughter’s dresses used? If No, then YTA. Your argument for new shoes & accessories doesn’t work because EVERYONE is getting new shoes and accessories. In her 15 year old mind, this is not about the money saved but how you value her. Do better. I can already read the resentment in your post and you guys aren’t even married yet. I hope your future stepdaughter has a FAIRY GODMOTHER somewhere! ETA: And then you tell her to pay the difference for a new dress when she stayed within your ORIGINAL budget request? Are you kidding me? How do you type all this out and still wonder if you are TA? *scratches head*
I think you're being cheap, and there is symbolism here since she's the stepdaughter. It's $150 in what sounds like a five-figure wedding budget. Why pick this hill to die on? Now, you're right that *all else being equal,* your stepdaughter would be being unreasonable. But all is not equal. This wedding is a symbolic ceremony in which this girl becomes your stepdaughter, and everything you do in regard to that is weighted with symbolism. What does it say to this girl that you chose for her to spend her first moment as your stepdaughter wearing a secondhand dress, while your natural daughters wear new ones? What does it say to her that you find the the painfully obvious symbolism so totally unmoving? YTA - maybe not intentionally, but nonetheless you are. fix it.
YTA - not about the money, about the principle. In doing this (whether you say you would have done the same for your bio daughters or not) you’ve essentially said “you’re worth less than the the other two”. I get it, weddings are an expensive game, but this wasn’t the place to make a saving; consider the 150 as being an investment in equality throughout your blended family, you’re going to set the scene for how the family dynamic will work.
YTA. I believe you should buy Kiki the new dress since the price of the new dress is within the budget you suggested. It’s not fair that she is the only one getting a used dress while you’re getting everyone else a new dress. Otherwise, if you truly want to save money, you buy used dresses for everyone.
YTA: You most likely could’ve skimped on something else. I definitely would’ve felt singled out by being the 15y/o step daughter and the only one that wasn’t worthy of a new dress!!! You picked the wrong time to be frugal and most likely f$caked the relationship you are going to have with her. Congratulations on becoming the “wicked step mom”
I’m going to tell you a story about myself. The year I was 14, my dad started dating - and quickly moved in with - my now-stepmother. She wasn’t my first stepmother - he married my first stepmother when I was 5, and she never liked me (I wasn’t invited to the wedding), though she learned to tolerate me better after my younger sisters were born when I was 7 and 10, because I was really good at childcare. Anyway. My first stepmother really didn’t like me, tolerated me at best, so I didn’t have high hopes for number two. New stepmother came with two daughters, four and six years older than me respectively, and we did Christmas at the new house (my younger sisters stayed with their mother). I didn’t ask for much, because I never asked for much, but I made a list with a few things. That year, because things were new, my dad bought the presents for me and my stepmother bought the presents for her daughters. They got lovely things - fashionable clothing, CDs, trinkets, pyjamas and lingerie from shops that young women like, the kind where they gift wrap your items in tissue paper with scented beads and put it in a gift box and a nice bag. Even seeing the bag under the Christmas tree is a thrill. My stepsisters are also slim and beautiful and extroverted, and being several years older, they were also in relationships with guys with good jobs. One of them got a Gucci watch from her boyfriend that year, and the other got a diamond tennis bracelet. I got two sweaters, a couple sizes too big for me, from Marks & Spencer - a store that I shop at *now* but considered an old person shop when I was 14 - and three burned CDs, that my dad had copied from one of my stepsisters, since she had the CDs that I’d put on my Christmas list. I should clarify: my father is not a mean person. He’s incredibly practical. He’s affected by what I call *engineer brain*, as well as *Capricorn brain* (I don’t even believe in horoscopes, but I find it curious that all the engineers I’ve known have been Capricorns, and all of similar personality) and I suspect he’s autistic, as I am - though he hasn’t learned empathy as well as I have, probably because he never needed to. He’s a basically kind person. But he’s not able to understand how other people feel unless you tell it to him straight, and even then he doesn’t really *get it*, but he does what he can to ensure people feel better even while not understanding why they feel bad. It would not have occurred to him that a teenage girl would feel othered by getting burned CDs (it wasn’t a question of money, he was loaded), or that there were such things as fashionable shops and unfashionable shops, or that buying his plumpish daughter clothes that were too big might be seen as offensive - or even that dress sizes were a thing. To him, what he gave me was the practical choice. Why waste money on CDs that my stepsister already had? Why buy fashionable clothes that I might grow out of when he could buy me large, warm sweaters from a solid, quality store? I thanked them politely, because that’s what I was raised to do. I didn’t cry, yell, create a fuss in any way. But my stepmother? Bless her, she *noticed.* She didn’t say anything at the time, didn’t draw comparisons, didn’t tell my dad off in public. But a few weeks later, she declared that she needed a new dress for a performance (she was an opera singer) and that my dad and I should come with her and give our opinions on dresses. We went into the city, and *somehow* my stepmother ended up with her performance dress…and I ended up with basically a new wardrobe. Fashionable things that fit properly. Skirts, tops, a dress, a couple pairs of pants, a hat, sportswear. A few books. A couple pieces of jewellery. And that year my dad “remembered” to send my mom extra money for personal things, and I got a few new spring clothes, as well as my first bra. I’d needed one since I was 9 (and was a D-cup - a very saggy one - by the time I was 14, when this happened) but I’d never had one. My mom was poor and mentally ill, and I was her carer for most of my life, and things like the need for bras and personal hygiene were never taught, and I had to pick them up piecemeal. And *that* is why I am close to my stepmother, at 40. She notices things, and she has the empathy to put herself in another person’s place and understand how they feel, and she *cares* about how they feel. She could have shrugged and done the bare minimum, and after my first stepmother’s disdain and my mom’s abuse and my dad’s unintentional neglect, I wouldn’t have held it against her. Hell, I might not even have *noticed*. I was used to not being treated well, although I didn’t recognise it as such, at the time. But she didn’t. She made the choice to treat me like one of her daughters, and to do her best to make me feel included and part of the family. Even now, she puts in the effort. I don’t think you’re necessarily the AH for buying second-hand. That’s a practical choice. YTA for digging in after it was clear that Kiki felt othered and unequal and unloved because of it. You handled everything wrong here. You could have had the dress dry-cleaned, and presented it to Kiki in a dress box, wrapped in tissue paper and covered in scented beads or miniature roses. Or you could have been upfront with her about a used one being available, and offered her the money you saved if she was OK with her dress being used. Or after you knew she was upset, you could have decided that your relationship with your new stepdaughter was worth more than a couple hundred bucks, and apologised and got her a new dress, *even if you think she’s being irrational*. Stop expecting her to act like an adult, with an adult’s reasoning. She’s not an adult. She’s a teenager with a teenage brain, which means more extreme emotions, poorer impulse control and less ability to see things rationally than an adult has. (That’s a feature of teenagers, not a bug. Those things frequently come along with more compassion and more passion than adults have.) She probably already feels alienated and not good enough, because most teenagers do, and you’ve just given her what will appear to her to be a very clear sign that you see her as less-than, even if that’s not the way you intended it. Apologise, and do what you can to make it right.
This made me teary! Very happy that you had such a wonderful step MUM.
This made me actually realise op is ta, because I didn’t get it at all, because I have never been in Kiki shoes
I'm of mixed minds on this. I agree with you and I certainly try to save money where I can. And, really, what difference does it make? However, with step kids, things like this are sensitive subjects. I'm going to say YTA. Buy the dress new to save hard feelings or you will regret it.
Sad thing is, the harm is done, even if OP ends up changing her mind and buying the dress new. Making her step-daughter feel less-than has already happened, and it’s going to take a lot more work to fix that.
Maybe offer to buy her a new dress of her choice that she will wear after the wedding. OP,said the stepdaughter would only wear this one once. So tell her she can pick a dress after the wedding that she wants and likes and can wear more than once.
I mean then you've just got the aura of favoritism the other way. Unless you make this all hush-hush, what are her step-sisters going to think when Kiki gets a new dress and they don't?
Congrat! You’ve successfully alienated your step-daughter. You have a few rough years ahead of you, but can probably kick her out at 18.
Wont have to kick her out. Kiki will be no contact with her bio dad and this woman soonest chance she gets at this rate.
YTA. My 10 year old, when I read him the story and asked how he thinks the stepdaughter must feel being the only one not getting a new bridesmaid dress, summed it up perfectly I think: unwanted. I know I personally would feel like I clearly don't matter as much as her other (biological) kids and yeah, it would hurt.
Especially when the girls own father decided side with this woman, omg one would think he would be on his daughter's side on this. What does this tell his daughter she is unwanted and will be cast aside. Horrible
YTA. I get your reasoning for the bargain, but asking her to pay the difference for a new dress is why you are the AH. Everyone gets a new dress, but she has to pay for hers? You could have salvaged this situation if you offered her the $150 you saved to get something nice for her.
YTA, I’m afraid. Your logic is sound, but this is a time and an event full of emotion — logic is not your friend here. And asking Kiki to pay the difference *for a dress for your wedding* was really bad form. Too late, but better to have asked her if she’d prefer a new dress, or the same dress worn once + the difference in cash. The argument that you’re buying her shoes, etc, etc doesn’t hold up because you’re doing that for your bio daughters. Consider a redo — this dress is tainted. Tell Kiki you were wrong to choose practicality over feelings. Ask Kiki if she’d like to start fresh and find an entirely new dress.
The damage has already been done though. OP can get all the new dresses she wants, Kiki will know it's only damage control. OP made it clear to Kiki she wasn't worth a new dress worth $200. Just a hand me down "with no stains and no smells". Because lets be real, there's no way she just happened to stumble opon the exact same dress in the exact size needed by chance. She went looking for it. And while OP stated she would get the other dresses second hand if she could, she has given no indication she went looking for any of them.
YTA- your daughters are getting NEW dresses which they will only wear 1 Time, so if you are so concerned about wasting money buy all used dresses or step up buy your Step daughter a brand New dress you cheap ass. She should not have to pay anything. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If I were Kiki, I wouldn’t come to your wedding. YTA
YTA. Your logic is financially sound but you're singling her out. The message is "You don't get a new dress, Cinders."
Gentle yta. Look, I get that you had good intentions. But from sd's perspective, she got secondhand when your biological daughters got new. It doesn't matter to her that you would have gotten theirs secondhand if you could, only that she gets secondhand and they get new. Personally, I would have explained the situation and offered to split the difference - she gets secondhand and $75 cash, you still save $75 - but with the caveat that she gets new if she really wants it. This has torched your relationship with her over $150 that, by the sounds of it, you could have afforded to swallow.
YTA, and stepparents wonder why they get a bad name… unless you’re planning to get the other kids second hand too then this was out of order.
YTA. You gave her a budget and she found a dress within budget and you went ahead and found a cheap one and by asking her to make up the difference you're in effect further reducing her budget to $50 while everyone else still have the $200 budget. I understand you're being practical, but to her, you're the evil stepmother.
$150 is not worth the damage to the relationship with your stepdaughter. The difference in cost is a minor line item in your wedding budget. It’s a huge amount to pay out of her own pocket to get a new dress like everyone else. You’re turning the opportunity to have chosen a dress she liked for your wedding into an awful experience. Whether it’s reasonable or not, she will remember how her 15-year old self felt wearing that used dress at your wedding forever. If you can’t see that, YTA.
YTA.You really do not like this child do you ? She is just someone you have to buy a dress for…poor kid.At least SHE now knows who you really are.
YTA - why did you even tell her? Unless you did it on purpose to creat drama? I bet OP doesn’t even want her at the wedding.
Wow, yall ain't even married yet and you're already the evil stepmother. How do you not see how it looks like when everyone gets new dresses, but the stepdaughter-to-be doesn't? Great job, YTA
oh boy. Maybe you don't mean to be TA, but you are coming across as one. Kiki hasn't learned the value of a dollar and how satisfying it is to get a deal. But she's 15. And to her and your fiancé's family, you ARE looking like TA, because she is the ONLY one with a used dress. She is also the only outsider in the group. You're already spending 200-250 on the other dresses. Why does she have to be 'different'? This is going to be a tough start for you with her because of your desire for a 'deal' at the cost of your relationship with Kiki from here on out. The rest of the group (including YOUR girls and probably YOUR friends) are getting new dresses so she already feels excluded, like Cinderella the stepdaughter. Even if she's going to have her "hair and makeup done with us" that's small comfort for a 15 y/o who likely already feels like an outsider. Maybe you secretly want her to feel that way so she spends less time with her dad? Sorry - but that is a logical conclusion given the situation. Your fiancé agreeing with you just shows how clueless he is about a 15 y/o's feelings. A 15 y/o who is now going to have to share her dad with a woman who is not her mother, and two other children. Might want to reconsider your position if you truly want her in your husband's life. And I'm kind of wondering if you were actually purposely searching for her dress on the FB buy/sell groups? People don't just 'stumble' on a specific used dress their wedding party sent them a link to. Bet you did not do the same with your daughters' and friends' dresses. Sorry, but the whole feel of your post has me suspicious.
Both you and your future husband are AH ... If you weren't and you wanted to save $ everyone would get second hand dresses not just the step daughter...
YTA way to immediately show Kiki that you hate her. If one dress is brought used and gross than ALL should have been. Even worn once a used dress is gross to wear.
Listen, I get the practicality of this decision. But $150 is not a lot of money. You have effectively singled out your step child for so little money. Is her attitude wrong? Yeah. But you are having ZERO empathy for her. She needs to be made to feel special just as much as everyone else is being made to feel special. I'm just going to say at the point, chalk it up to a loss of $50 and pick her to a dress used. Or find something of similar value that is special only to her. Right now YTA. You can either start the relationship out on a bad step over the money, or you can eat crow. For fucks sake, are a 15 year old girl. She's already stressed by this.
YTA. What a way to start your life with your step daughter by giving her a second hand dress when there is a low likelihood of you magically finding anyone else’s dress secondhand. She’s not going to forget this is how you treated her compared to your own daughters.
NTA. Weddings are expensive and you are being quite generous in buying dresses for everyone. You got her the exact dress she wanted and saved quite a bit of money in doing so, and it’s still a new to her dress. It’s not like you are telling her she has to wear something already in her closet while everyone else gets something new.
The important peice of info thats missing here is if OP is also thrifting her own daughters dresses or if they get brand new ones. Because if she's buying them brand new ones and then thrifting her step daughters it's a whole lot of evil step mother vibes.
OP said if she found any of the other bridal party’s dresses second hand she would buy them, so I would guess that includes her own daughter’s dresses. It’s also worth noting that the groom agreed with the bride. If he had a problem with his daughter’s dress being second hand he could step up and buy it brand new.
If the could, she would. Defenitly. But would she? Will she? Men often go with the persuasive talk one displays on them... Different values, I guess. How has this whole ordeal been presented to him? Look at Anastasia and Drizella how beautiful they are... And Ciderella is pretty, too. Too bad she is in such a sour mood. Almost as she doesn't want the wedding to happen... Poor OP, she's done everything in her power to make EVERYBODY happy.
Isn’t it weird though to be like “I’m buying everyone’s dresses” and 4/5 of those dresses are for your children, step-child, and yourself? Like were the kids expected to buy their own dresses for this wedding??? 😳
She said 5 members of her bridal party, that doesn't include herself. Also she seemed to more be emphasizing that she was spending a total of a grand on the dresses altogether and is looking to save money, not the number of people in the bridal party.
Just popping in to say OP isn't being "generous" for buying dresses for her minor daughters and stepdaughters.
Kiki is 15. Do people expect a 15yo to purchase her dress?
YUCKS... everyone gets a brand new dress... but the step daughter gets an used one. Yes... the new mommy is very generous... saved $150 and made her step daughter feel like less than ... Plus..lots of people do not like to wear clothes that belonged to strangers...
YTA. I'd be happy enough with a 2nd hand dress, and I'm sure she might have been under other circumstances, but her point is that you are treating her differently than your own kids, which isn't the way to start with a blended family.
Yta You made her feel less
This was a defining moment in you and KiKi’s relationship and you blew it. Ohhhhh, you fucked up big time. And of course the man who shares your bed is gonna say “yes dear.” He wants to keep sharing your bed! YTA.
What's $ 150 on a grand? Is it all worth the trouble it brought? The pain it caused Kiki?
YTA She's 15 and getting a new mom. Her whole life is changing. Shes going through a lot of stress and at that age, hand me downs arent cool so that was just the cherry on top. This isnt the real problem, she obviously has a lot of stress and anxiety about her life changing so suddenly and this just set her off. You have to think from *her* perspective, not yours. Because who's the adult here? Be the bigger person.
By buying your step daughter a used dress and your daughter’s new, you are telling her she is less important. That’s not a good look when building this new family. Unfortunately the damage is done now. I would suggest you get your daughter’s used or cheap accessories and shoes but get step daughter new or more expensive and phrase it to all as there is a total budget for each person and as her dress was cheaper there was more for her extras. YTA for not caring about her feelings.
YTA, by you own post, you are spending 1k in dresses for 5 people. That means that each other person’s dress comes out to 237.50(give or take) You give off evil step mother vibes. So everyone else is worth $200 for a dress except Kiki and she has to pay the difference if she wants the $200 dress. If I was her dad, I would cancel this whole wedding because you have finally shown him how you really think of his daughter compared to everyone else. They say weddings show who a bride truly is and I hope he wises up after seeing the real you
This one is tricky. I totally see where you are coming from, but a 15 year old girl doesn't have the life experience to appreciate this bargain. She just knows that her dress is "less than" all the other garments. This dilemma is further complicated by the fact that she's your step-daughter-to-be. It's too bad she had to find out her dress is used. I think you should consider offering her all or part of the difference/$150. That's a lot of money for a 15 yo, and might make the bargain "worth it" to her. She might even end up liking that deal better.
It's just, in this scenario you're setting a dangerous prescidance, ya know? Save $150.00 - or ensure your stepdaughter feels secure in the blended family dynamic.
YTA and you know it.
YTA nothing wrong with thrifting, it’s sustainable and smart, but singling out her specifically just makes this look like a Cinderella retelling
YTA. Not for buying the dress used, but for making it a point of telling her you've bought her a used dress. If the dress is in as good of condition as you say, she wouldn't have known and no harm, bo foul. By making it a point of telling her, yeah, she's getting a used dress. You've made her feel she's less than because she isn't your biological daughter. The dress isn't the issue it's the perceived message you've sent.
> I spoke with my fiance and he agrees with me. I see that everyone has pointed out YTA based on the dress alone. But OP, it is not a good idea to cause rifts between father and daughter like this. I'm sure your practical approach appealed to a man because they won't understand the symbolism of your choice. He won't see that you've searched online to cut corners with his daughter and not your own (which would be easy, given their ages). For the sake of your marriage, you need to be very careful. Not saying you did this, but using "your father agrees with me" to win arguments with a teenage girl is a surefire way to make her feel like she isn't a part of the family. This is a very formative time for her, and if you want to foster a good relationship with both your husband and this child, please do not drag him into disputes. If he loses his relationship with his daughter over you... well, we've all seen The Parent Trap. People generally don't take kindly to that. The success of your marriage relies on forming a close bond with his little girl.
Uh, it makes sense but options for a 15 year stepdaughter are real. Now everyone is getting hundred + dollar dresses and she’s getting a use one for $50. It just comes across as being cheap because it’s her regardless of what the thought process was.
The key concern is why was the used dress for Kiki, and your daughters getting new dresses starts things on a bad note. 150 usd not worth the drama
YTA buy used stuff for yourself, not someone else. I would never think of doing that.
How come everyone else is having new clothes except your stepdaughter? Then when she complains tell her she need to pay for a new dress? Does your two darling daughters also paid you for their new dresses? YTA evil stepmother
YTA THIS is what she will remember about your wedding YOU being too cheap to buy her an unused dress. And **you are doing your best to make sure that your new blended family will not work: YOUR kids get NEW dresses, your stepdaughter gets some used stuff.** The only question is: Are you that clueless, or just a hostile AH? Maybe she has enough sense to drop out of your wedding party and the wedding. That way she won't need a dress.
YTA. A parent's remarriage is a really emotionally loaded for a kid and you just sent Kiki a concerning message about how she'll fare in this new order. Don't get me wrong - I can see why you jumped on the chance, but you should have gotten her consent to wear a used dress and backed way off when she said that she minded. Telling a kid to pay for her own bridesmaid's dress for her father's wedding is ridiculous, as was throwing the other things you're buying for her in her face, given that your daughters are (most likely) getting the same and that this wedding/marriage is not something she chose. Digging in your heels may be penny-wise but it's pound-foolish.
YTA She'll remember how her step-mother bought new dresses for her daughters, and a used one for her step-daughter. Why even tell her it was used? You're looking at this as an adult, not as a 15yo girl. If I were Kiki i would be VERY upset at you, and resentful towards you precious little daughters that get new dresses while she gets "no smells or stains" clothes. Wonderful start for this relationship, asking a 14yo to pay you 150$
YTA, if your children aren't wearing second hand. This is a really bad way to try to blend a family by treating his child differently than yours. I am sure your future husband wouldn't be happy with that either.
YTA and her fiance even bigger ta, cause its his daughter and he must stand up for her. Children must be treated equaly in such situation.
This is an evil stepmother origin story. The $150 is worth it to make her feel like an important part of the day.
YTA. So just your step daughter gets a used dress? No. That’s not ok. You obviously looked to find the used version of just her dress. I’m disappointed in her father that he’s not seeing your behavior as a red flag.