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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I can be an asshole because I made my son apologize to my nephew even though the nephew tore up his art albums
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If your son apologized for throwing a tantrum did your sister AND Gabriel apologize for destroying his sketch book?
YTA if your son was the only one made to apologize.
"Because you never care" - doesn't sound like a low blow to me and in fact leads me to believe this isn't the first time you took your sister's side and her sister's kid over yours. Why again did you want them to be friends?
I dealt with this a lot growing up. Always told to suck it up in favor of the true wrongdoer because of family BS dynamics. As a result, as I aged, I lost any and all interest being any where near the specific people who did this stuff. There were many times were i also felt the "because you never care" feeling that Lucas feels. If he is already saying that at 14, that tells me he has been dealing with stuff like this his whole life and that he always gets the short end of the stick. Kids are very observant even if they don't talk a lot. I became a very quite kid over time as I picked up on the patters with these types of people.
YTA and so is your sister. You need to stand up for your sister and establish proper boundaries with your sister. Her being "offended" is complete BS for a reason not to call you considering the level of issues this has caused. She also doesn't accept any blame for her own family or her reaction and they are gaslighting you against your son. Better be careful or you won't have a relationship with your son when he ages. I don't have much of one with my dad at all anymore.
Right? I read this part:
>All these days the atmosphere in the house was tense, my sister didn't call me because she was offended.
>even though my sister said he was just a kid
And this part:
>My sister said she didn't even know if she would still want me or my son at their house after that.
WHO IS THE ADULT HERE? OP's sister sounds like she spoils her kid and only gave excuses which lead to the son's anger and tantrum. I doubt Lucas would be so upset if he was apologized to.
Right, they want Lucas to happily go back to the place where his property was destroyed, bullied by adults, and insulted by a bunch of AH. Going to her house is not a prize. It's torture
He's just a kid??? He's entirely old enough to know not to destroy other peoples property...likely he did it on purpose. Sister AND her kid are assholes
>WHO IS THE ADULT HERE? OP's sister sounds like she spoils her kid and only gave excuses which lead to the son's anger and tantrum
The sister saying 'hes just a kid' is creating a destructive disrepectful tyrant who has come to believe he can get away with bad behaviour because mum excuse it so its ok
>I dealt with this a lot growing up. Always told to suck it up in favor of the true wrongdoer because of family BS dynamics
Yep this was me. I was easier to manipulate into apologizing and "being the bigger person" I was also the youngest so there was a lot of "seen and not heard" expectations. It did keep the peace in the family. And now everyone wonders why I moved away and am NC with most of them.
It broke my heart to that OP admitted her son said "because you never care". This child has been emotionally neglected for years and she doesn't even see it or I guess even care to. Her telling her son that he "can just redraw". Just shows how little she views her son.
Her own wording shows how dismissive she is of his feelings. By calling it a tantrum she's instantly calling his feelings unjustified. I also have an artist kid. Her sketchbooks are precious to her. When we talked about what to do in case of a fire her sketchbooks are the one thing she said she would want to grab. The way she talks about "just replace them" absolutely not. You can't replace a sketchbook. You can't just redraw everything. Sketchbooks are like a diary, a scrapbook, a documentation of their life during different periods of time, a reminder of how they have improved. The fact that she talks about them as replaceable shows she doesn't even care about his hobby, his art, and doesn't even bother trying to understand what they mean to him.
If someone ripped up my kids sketchbook and she yelled and freaked out I think she would be totally justified in that reaction. Sure, I would have a talk about better ways to express herself in the future, but I wouldn't expect her to handle the destruction of something so precious and irreplaceable to her with the highest amount of grace, she's still a kid. A lot of adults would yell at too if something so treasured and irreplaceable of their was destroyed too.
OP YTA here. For not valuing your kids passion. For dismissing and downplaying how important his art is. For not backing him up when something terrible was done to him.
Your sister is right, you guys probably shouldn't be spending time together. Not because of your kids reaction, but for her dismissal of what her kid did.
Ikr I have an artist neice around the same age as OP’s son. If my other sister’s son, a bit younger than OP’s nephew, ripped up her sketchbooks and his mother demanded *she* apologize for getting angry we would have taken her to get her head scanned for a tumor. Certainly not pulled the BS that OP is doing to her son. It shows just how little OP cares about her child, and now she’s upset because her son is telling her the truth. She may *say* she loves her kid, but actions speaks louder than words. Lucas is going to completely cut her and her family out of his life the moment he’s able to and she’ll be left wondering why, and it’s entirely because she never cared enough about him.
Yep. This is the type of parent who will wonder why their kid went no contact and say that they loved their kid and did everything right. Then sight that they gave them a roof over their heads and food everyday, as if that's all it takes to make you a good parent. They fail to see how the lack of support, respect, and value they put on their kids makes them a terrible parent. "Who cares if I was emotionally neglecting them? They didn't starve to death so I'm a great mother!"
I was the artist kid but the one destroying things was my youngest sister. She either took or destroyed what she wanted until I left home. My mom was like OP and her sister in that she always dismissed it and I was always in trouble for my reactions. My relationship with my mom has been damaged forever because she’s never taken accountability and still similarly scapegoats me when she needs one and my sister and I didn’t fix things until we were adults. OP is completely clueless to the damage that she’s doing long term to her son and the fact that he’s not going to want to return to aunt’s house again anyway. OP needs to reevaluate her actions before sis and her future monster are the only family that she has left.
somehow both a baby AND a fully responsible adult that should be responsible for managing his cousin and aunt's feeling and emotions, regardless of the abuse they heap on him...Schoedinger's child- but adult and baby simultaneously
Why the hell was her son the one apologizing when they're the ones who ruined his stuff? Also, *why* did they ruin his stuff? I feel like we're missing something here.
For real! The other kid is 8, not 3 or 4. 8 is definitely old enough not to just rip up someone else's book on an impulse. What was going on there?
I also don't get "wanted to check Lucas's things". What does that MEAN? And why did this 8 year old kid have \*his mother's permission\* to take his cousin's things, let alone destroy them?
OP's sister is a terrible parent. She has no respect for anyone, and yet she's "offended" that her kid got told off for being destructive. After \*she\* let him take something that wasn't his, without the owner's permission. WHY?
OP is YTA for not having enough backbone to confront her sister what what she and her kid did, and demand an apology to HER son, and some kind of compensation.
As a part of the whole, sure, have Lucas apologize to the child for the language used, perhaps. But that should have been a much lesser apology than what Lucas was owed, but it seems he never got.
ALSO, while I'm at it -- OP is a bad parent for NOT telling Lucas that if there is ever anything wrong, anything at all, he could call her or his father, and he'd be picked up.
OP needs to LISTEN to "you don't care", not be all offended about it. You're the damned adult here! You have messed up, and you need to listen and figure out how to fix it.
honestly sounds like the sister is raising a spoiled brat if she was willing to never have her nephew or sister over for something HER child did wrong and acted like it was the nephews fault instead of her destructive kid. Also the fact she even let him into Lucas things shows shes not the type to say no. And OP just enables them both by taking the obviously wrong parties side of things. But OPs language is also super self centered so I guess her and her sister have a lot in common.
Honestly, Op, you’re oblivious. How can you NOT understand why your son said you didn’t care, when you made him apologize for being mad at a child that was GIVEN PERMISSION BY ANOTHER ADULT, ripped his prized items up. Your job as his mom was to protect him. So if everyone isn’t apologizing, your son should not apologized either and he’s also a kid who had their boundaries pushed. YTA
You're hoping a 14 year old will be friends with an 8 year old? What exactly do you think they're going to have in common? Those are vastly different ages with vastly different hobbies/interests. Did your son want to spend time with his cousin or did you pressure him to because you want them to be friends? How often do you take your sister and Gabriel's side over your son's?
"Because you never care." makes me think Lucas's wants, needs, and opinions are often ignored.
YTA. Your son had something he worked hard on destroyed. He's the one who deserves an apology. Sure he can he draw them again, but they will never be the same. That work is gone forever. You say you're proud of him, but your actions show that you don't consider his art to be worth anything. Not even the apology he is owed.
EDIT: Grammar
>You're hoping a 14 year old will be friends with an 8 year old?
That was VERY much my first question! No way in hell would I have ever befriended an 8-year-old when I was 14. I was babysitting 8-year-olds when I was 14.
>YTA. Your son had something he worked hard on destroyed. He's the one who deserves an apology. Sure he can he draw them again, but they will never be the same. That work is gone forever. You say you're proud of him, but your actions show that you don't consider his art to be worth anything. Not even the apology he is owed
This! So much this! She is acting as if buying new albums solves things. Like, woman, do you even KNOW what art is? Not the "oh it's something cute my little sonny does, here here, pat pat, I am so proud of you, my little boy" but what that entails? That it's not just technique, that's not just even the act of drawing, it's also the heart poured in it. And it's hand drawn, it's never going to be "just redrawn" or just "copy and paste". Even if he is very very skilled and can do an almost perfect copy, the original art is basically no more. And it's a big fucking deal.
OP, you're the massive arsehole in the situation and frankly I think the only grown up there is your husband. The reaction of the son is not a tantrum - it's a perfectly justified reaction when something dear to you gets destroyed. And the words of your son are not a low blow and "buhu, how can he tell that to his own mommy, i love him so much" - it's the truth. Love\\care is not about just saying "i love him so much", it's about acting like you do. And all your actions show that you are more upset about your sister being upset. You know, the sister that didn't manage to explain to her freaking 8 yo that destroying other ppls things is bad. I truly hope that you take the comments here to heart, apologize to your son for not having his back and never again make him go to that house, whether your sister "graciously allows" it or not.
Yeah, they’re acting like a 2-year-old with no understanding or body control tore up the drawings. An 8-year-old — someone in the _third grade_ — knows perfectly well not to do that.
It comes down to the sister, for me: If her kid is too young or disabled to be blamed for tearing the pages up, she shouldn’t have given him permission go through them.
If he’s mature and capable enough to be trusted to go through them, he should be blamed for tearing it up. She can’t have it both ways.
Agreed. Absolutely terrible. Imagine hearing your kid say “you never care” and thinking about how mean he was to say it, instead of being horrified and doing tons of reflection about what caused him to say it.
In no case should the sister have allowed her son to touch the drawings. They aren't her drawings. They belong to her nephew. When Gabriel asked to see them, she should have told Gabriel that he needed to ask Lucas.
Yeah, I extra don't get this. Gabriel asked, and Lucas DID show him. So what was the reason for Gabriel "needing" to go through Lucas's things to see them again when Lucas wasn't there? How on earth did OP's sister thing that was okay in any way? That was a teachable moment for her kid: no, you can't do that until Lucas comes back and you ask him. Done. You don't touch other people's things without their permission. How does OP's sister not know that herself, and how has she failed to teach that to her son?
I always say to flip the situation...
If someone were to do the same thing to Gabriel, he'd be angry, right? He'd state outright that it was wrong, that he wants an apology and some kind restitution.
Well, he can't have it both ways. If you are capable of understanding wrongdoing when it happens to you, you must also see it as wrong if you do it to another.
If you want a preview of your future, my parents did things like this to me consistently when I was a child, even when I didn’t throw a tantrum at being mistreated, and I’m now 35. I live across the country from them. I have not visited them for almost a year. If they make the effort, I will host them for a few days a couple times a year. We communicate over the phone. And I don’t trust them one iota or tell them anything of significance. We talk about weather and tv and what they cook. That’s it. YTA You need to consider very carefully whether you love your child or not. And then consider whether you love them more than your desire to please and appease other people.
100% this. I don't have any relationship with my dad outside of seeing him at family gatherings. I live 20 minutes away from him. I also have a massive inferiority complex despite graduating with latin honors from law school and having a good career. I'm always quick to apologize to avoid situations where I'll trigger bad memories from when I was a kid. I always feel my effort and output is not enough. I never feel accomplished, only a sense of relief when good things happen and its not ruined by something like this. its crazy how this stuff can affect you for the rest of yoru life and people are so quick to put kids down then blame the kid for their reaction. Perfect way for the kid to begin internalizing resentment and depression.
Same! And now, my sister has never bothered to visit us (currently lived in our house 10 years), I always have to make the effort to stay in contact (less and less now because honestly I don't give a shit anymore) and drive to visit them.. She doesn't even work, my hubby & I work crazy hours. And yet my Mum will throw and absolute hissy fit if I don't organize (communicating with sis), cook and clean when I do visit. OP is setting the stage for LC or NC
YTA
>Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom.
Lucas told you he doesn't feel like he can share something with you and you somehow turn yourself until the victim. And can you blame him for not trusting you? You sided with your sister and nephew over him. Gabriel is old enough to know not to destroy someone else's property. He should have apologized to Lucas.
YTA. Gabriel might be "just a kid," but he is old enough to understand "no" and to not destroy someone else's artwork. You and your sister are both assholes for acting like Lucas is the bad guy here. No wonder he hasn't felt like he could come to anyone with his problems.
Totally. If the sister thinks he’s “just a kid” who can’t be expected to treat other people’s stuff with respect, then why the hell is she given him permission to go through other people’s stuff?!?!
Maddening.
My cousin, sweet mama's little baby boy, "just a child" was beating me so hard my arms were covered with bruises.
His mother kept making sad eyes, telling me I had done something to made him beat me and he was just a child and too young to understand it was bad to do so. Cousin was twelve. Ten plus kilos harder then me and taller.
I would never forgive her. I would remember this words if I would have a child and on her funeral.
YTA. Your first mistake was thinking a 14 year old can be friends with an 8 year old. Also, Gabriel is 8 not 3. He’s old enough to know better than to destroy other people’s belongings.
YTA.
8 is old enough to know better than to destroy someone elses property. How would YOU react if someone destroyed things YOU worked hard on? I understand him apologizing for calling Gabriel names, but DID gabriel APOLOGIZE? Did Gabriel's mother? Did you even ASK?
Your SISTER is offended? WHY ARE YOU NOT OFFENDED FOR YOUR SON?!
Its literally not even possible to "redraw" it all. Even if he tried those sketches will never be the same. It would be like trying to rewrite your diary. You can't replicate what you felt or did in that moment
YTA
How exactly are you shocked that your son said
>"Because you never care."
It sounds like you sent him to visit your sister against his wishes. So that he could spend time with an 8 year old?
Instead of holding the people who actually did him wrong accountable, you want him to suck up and take abuse from others.
Your son didn't call you because he knew that you would've made it out to be his fault somehow or even had him stay longer to *reconcile*.
Your sister was upset that someone actually told off her precious angel (spawn of Satan). It sounds like your sister's son had issues making friends due to his behavior. Which is probably why you sent your son over there. A teen doesn't just randomly snap at a child. With how you described your son and how you never described your nephew, there has to have been reoccurring behavior for that to happen.
You also conveniently didn't describe your nephew like you did your son. Even with the word count, a person would usually have a sentence or two describing the environment they are sending their own child into.
Not ONCE did you say your sister was in the wrong. Your husband did. You were told that she allowed her son to go through YOUR child's things and destroy them, and that she said she didn't want either of you at her anymore. Your response to all of that was,
>I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom.
>It took me a long time to convince Lucas to tell me the truth, and he finally admitted what was wrong.
Due to YOUR past actions and responses, your son realized that regardless of what someone does to him, you will NEVER stand up for him and will blame him.
You need to reflect on yourself and your previous actions as to why your son does not trust you and why you don't care about what happens to him. This is reoccurring behavior on your end that you need to become aware of. As well as take responsibility for your responses and inactions to situations regarding your son.
You better learn, take responsibility, and make changes fast. You've spent 14 years proving to your son that you don't care about him. You have less than 2 years before he mentally checks out and loses respect for you as a mother, and 4 years before you're *dead* to him, to make it up to him and EARN his trust back. Once a person loses trust in someone else, their respect is lost either at the same time or shorter after.
So your sister and her kid destroyed your kids belongings that he put his time and energy into. Did it while he was out because they knew what they were doing was wrong. Then you have him apologize to them and downplay the damage they cause by promising him another blank SketchBook for him to put more time and energy into that he's not getting back from the old one.
He's right. You don't care. Obviously you don't care or else you would have actually supported and defended him. You've already reached the point where your kid's not telling you things because they don't trust you. And then you turn around and prove their.
Info: why did your son say you never care? Has there been other instances where he was forced to apologize when something bad happened to him? Especially involving family?
Your nephew tore his work up? Work that took time and pouring his heart into his art? YTA. I have lost writing before and IT HURTS!!! Where is the apology to your son? Excuse me, apologies? Why on earth would your nephew destroy someone else's work? I hope your son never trusts your nephew. Nor your sister.
Your husband is right, your son is right. YTA, your nephew DESTROYED his stretch book and you made HIM apologize. Good God woman how stupid can you be. Your son will NEVER forget that YOU forced him to apologize while being the victim. He is right YOU don't care, at least not about him. I hope your husband has the good sense to make sure the son HE LOVES is never forced to be around your sister and her brat again. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself for what you did to your son.
YTA. I sincerely hope this is not real. I cannot imagine how often you have failed to protect or defend your son if he said “you never care”. This is obviously repeated behavior on your part. Whats worse is this situation just further reinforced his opinion of you. It wasn’t a low blow at all, it was extremely accurate if this current situation is reflective of your parenting. Also, why would a 14-year-old and an eight-year-old be friends? Furthermore, your nephew’s behavior was awful and so is his mother for enabling him. My six and seven-year-old nephews know better than to do something like that.
Your son tearfully told you that you never care, and your first instinct was "what a low blow"? YTA for that alone. He's right. You don't seem to care about him, only about making yourself look good.
You keep saying "I'm not excusing what Gabriel did", yet you literally do. The entire post is just you excusing that kid's action. An 8 year old is not a toddler. They know better than to tear someone's sketchbook apart. You didn't have your son's back AND you forced him to apologize for something he had every right to be upset about.
You. Need. To. Listen. You son is opening up and you're shutting him down because you're too egotistical to process what he has to say. YTA.
You force your kid to apologize for rightly having a shit fit about some 8 year old destroying his hard work and yes, art (especially if you have talent) is work.
You didn't even bother to ask what happened.
And this sort of thing has happened often enough that your son no longer believes that you care for him?
Let's ask this: if your son had told you what had happened, what would you have done? How would you have responded? Would you have demanded your sister and nephew apologize? Considering you haven't done so yet, I'd bet no.
YTA and a damn abusive parent.
Wow, I'm an artist and I remember being 14. My mother knew how much my sketchbooks meant to me and she would definitely have gone to bat for me in this situation. YTA you can love your son and still fucking suck.
Right? I painted this watercolor art and hung it on my closet door, it was my favorite painting and I remember the cleaning lady smudged it all while trying to dust it with a wet cloth. It was an honest mistake on her part and she apologized but I was still so upset after she left. My mom asked me if I want her fired, but we agreed she wasn't going to clean my room anymore. Her being on my side made it soo much easier to make peace with the situation. I can't even imagine how angry I'd be if I had to apologize to her while mourning my art.
I’m sorry to be harsh but you suck and your update sucks… did you at least apologize or was it just “here are new books for you to redo your stuff”…. Also just because he didn’t seem to be offended anymore doesn’t mean you solved the problem. At this point it seems like he just decided not to try anymore and just took the books because he has no more expectations of you as a parent.
If you actually care about your kid put your actions where your money is. Alogogize to him. Tell your sister you and your son won’t be back until he has an apology from her and her son and mean it. Ask your son about the drawings he lost and what they meant to him and maybe try drawing with him… don’t just buy new books and be like “ah yes that’s all I needed to do”
I;m hoping this is a troll and that no one could be so cold and unfeeling to their kid but if it's not:
It's really telling that your reaction to your son expressing how unloved he feels is for you to think about how it hurts you and how bad he is for saying such a thing, rather than feeling guilt that you've made your son feel unloved.
Also, why on earth has Lucas been punished for having his possessions ruined???
YTA
You, in effect, told your son he had to apologize to someone who destroyed his property and artistic effort and your son got rightfully upset about it. That's pretty damn close to asking a victim to apologize to an abuser.
No. Just fucking NO. Your sister and Gabriel owe your son an apology for destroying his artwork. Your sister let her kid look through your son's things, and then that kid ruined what probably took a lot of time and effort to create. Hey, OP? Do you want someone looking through your purse or other personal belongings without your permission? I'm betting not. What makes you think your son doesn't deserve the same respect and courtesy?
Your son saying, "Because you never care" let's me know this isn't the first time you've made him bow down to other people even if he was right. I've been there and done that, and it scarred me. My mother did that kind of shit to me, and I resent it to this day.
YTA YTA YTA Buying new sketchbooks isn't going to solve this.
YTA, You missed an opportunity to stand up for your son. You should of told your sister while it wasn't appropriate for your son to call him names what her son did was not okay, regardless of age. And it obviously caused an emotional reaction from lucas as that was something he was really proud of.
You made your son apologise ?? You've shown your son you don't support him, and by his reaction this isn't the first time. That was a crappy decision and you should be reflecting on your parenting.
Saying he can redraw them totally minimises the hard work and passion your son has. YTA
>were a low blow
Does the truth hurt? Because from how you behaved in this situation I absolutely believe that this is a pattern and that was an accurate statement.
YTA
Did your nephrew apologize to your son for destroying his sketch book, your son work hard on that drawing and your sister Selfish child destroy it, why should he apologize when your nephew hurt your son feeling and you Yta, your sister ta and her son, and stop forcing them to have a relationship and your husband is right, your sister you and her kid is wrong.
You clearly don't care. You forced your son to apologize even though your nephew destroyed his sketchbooks. And it sounds like Gabriel didn't have to apologize; you didn't even expect him to, did you? He hurt your son and you refused to stand up for Lucas. You really don't care and buying sketchbooks won't solve anything. Throwing money at the problem won't help. Yeah, you're as selfish and nasty as your nephew and sister and you're on here whining about how hurt you are while you ignore how hurt your son is. YTA
Your kid literally doesn't want to open up to you, doesn't reach out to you for help, and when pressed about this tells you that he doesn't think you are somebody who gives a shit about him.
And your response to that is "baw you hurt my feelings, there is no other issue with what you have just said"
Listen, lady. Most kids at 14 have given up the sketching around/doodles that kids do. Somebody still doing art at 14 really cares about making art - they're on their way to becoming an actual artist. Every piece of art is unique and IRREPLACEABLE. Artists aren't xerox machines - they can't just sit down and spew out a perfect copy if something is destroyed.
And an fucking 8 year old isn't a toddler! An 8 year old destroying other people's property is MALICIOUS. It wasn't accidental! And his mom didn't give a shit that he was destroying his cousin's art, either! She didn't stop it!
Your kid knows you don't love him and if you want him to think otherwise you need to do a LOT of soul-searching (which you won't, so you're gonna get a once a year 2-day visit at a holiday as soon as he's financially independent of you, and which will probably stop the minute his dad dies.)
YTA Your the asshole. As is your sister. You made him apologize because someone ruined his things after setting the boundary he couldn't see them. Your sister screwed up and is blaming your kid for her bad parenting. Bad parenting seems to be a trait on your side of the family. Listen to your son. He knows you don't have his back. You fail as a mom. And you fail as an aunt for enabling your nephews bad behavior.
Your a giant asshole if you need to know why just reread your post. Your son would not have said that if he didn't have a reason. You probably don't care that all the time he spent drawing was thrown out the window and he got punished for it. When he goes NC dont ask him why just read your own post. YTA coward.
Although using abusive language, especially against a child, is wrong your son is also only 14 and, no doubt, hormonal. If this 8 year old is given a pass then why is he not also?
Your instinct may have been to rebuke your own child for their abusive outburst, I understand that and agree with you. Being wronged doesn't permit verbally abusing someone, let alone a child/relative.
But why didn't you challenge your sister? Her child is old enough to know what he did and destruction of such a personal item is deeply hurtful. It's essentially reading and destroying a diary by handling them and ripping them up. Suggesting he can just do them again in new books seems somewhat dismissive and a cack handed way of comforting him.
You should have stuck up for your son and at the same time held him accountable. To me, based on a similar experience, it seems like your concern for your relationship with your sister is greater than your respect for your son and yourself as a parent. Don't take his trust and loyalty for granted, just because a parent might feel an innate bond or unbreakable link with their child doesn't mean it will always be reciprocated.
YTA (but not a bad person)
YTA
Why are yoi downplaying what happened to him ans how ypru sister enabled something that resulted in a loss of his work? She was offended and didn't call ypu and treated him horriblh for the few days? Why is a 14 year old supposed to be friends with an 8 year old anyway?
You are hurt? You show3r you didn't care and are hurt cause he called you out on it.
I just told my 7-year- old son this scenario. I asked him if he would ever do such a thing. He had an offended kinda puzzled look on his face as he adamantly said no.
I told him what your son did and how you reacted. He was angry, but not at your son. He couldn’t imagine a world where his mother wouldn’t have his back if someone destroyed something important to him. He would have immediately called me. He also can’t imagine a reason he would ever destroy someone’s property.
You are massively failing your son and it seems like you have been for a very long time. You don’t have very long to fix this. I hope this post knocks some sense into you, and you finally choose your child.
YTA Buying a new sketchbook ain't going to help anything. You threw him under the bus for for your sister. Are you going to insist your sister apologize? Probably not because you don't care.
YTA-
Your son has every right to be angry, and while there is a teaching moment in there about how to properly express and cope with anger, it sounds like you sided with your sister and her child...both of which were very, very in the wrong.
YTA- The fact Lucas said you never care, shows this isn't the first time stuff like this has happened. And if you did care, the result would've been much different and you would've defended him.
While Lucas did have a meltdown and called Gabriel names(understandably), did Gabriel and your sister apologize at all? It sounds like they didn't and you didn't stand up for your son and this wasn't the first time. Your sister isn't taking any responsibility.
Gabriel and your sister are not victims in this, and you and your sister share complete blame on this. Gabriel can be given minor leeway, since he's 8 and apparently hasn't been taught right from wrong by his mom.
Lucas can't just easily recreate the work he put into that. And I hope this kind of stuff doesn't sour his love of art, as it sounds like he's very talented.
If it was a low blow, truth hurts, doesn't it?
The kid is 14 and probably put a lot of work into those sketches, I can understand him being angry at an 8 year old for tearing them up, considering that's pretty immature behavior for an 8 year old. It can be hard for teenagers to control their emotions, so flipping out about it is not too unexpected.
'Because you never care' is pretty typical 14 year old sentiment towards their parents, but I'd advise you to examine your own past behavior to see if you can remember times when you acted like this towards him. Remember that he has his own perspective on things, situations you have felt were just fine may have left him feeling like you don't care about him or want to take his side. At the very least, telling him he could redraw his art seems pretty insensitive to me. At 14, stuff like that is very meaningful and he probably feels like it's irreplaceable.
Expecting a 14 year old to be friends with an 8 year old seems to be a bit out of whack too.
YTA, based on what you wrote here, it sounds like you need to be more understanding.
YTA. I would have thrown a fit as well. His work was destroyed! Your sister and her spawn are also TA.
Your son and husband are correct. You don't care and you are wrong!
YTA. eight is old enough to know that you don’t rip up other people’s stuff, especially after your son had already told him to be careful with it before, and his aunt shouldn’t give her son permission to go thru HIS STUFF. it’s his stuff, wtf.
Your sister and her son should have apologized to your son for going thru his things and then the son destroying them, and you should apologize to him as well for how you handled this.
Edit: I also wanted to add about the ‘ you never care ‘ comment because I want you to know, your actions have prove that to him.
YTA
Getting angry at someone for ripping up your personal things involving hard work isn't "throwing a tantrum," it's expressing a justified emotion. Yes, Gabriel is "just a kid", but he is 8, not 2. He knew perfectly well what he was doing and that it was wrong.
Did you expect Lucas to simply handwave his cousin's malicious destruction just because he's a few years older?
You should be ashamed of yourself. Your sister’s behaviour was inexcusable and your son lost something extremely precious because of it. Gabriel is also old enough to know better (one torn drawing is a mistake, a whole torn up sketchbook is intentional). Your son didn’t even reach out to you because he felt you wouldn’t stick up for him. The first thing you did was prove him right. YTA
YTA
An 8 year old is absolutely old enough to know better, I personally know 3-4 year olds who know better, so this "he's just a kid" excuse does not work. Your son spent so long on those comics, cared so deeply for them, and they were destroyed. He had every right to be upset and "cause a scene"
Oh and this "because you never care" so despite your words of loving him, you've clearly shown it either very little or just wrong. Clearly there's a history of your treatment of him that you left out.
Btw redrawing it is not the same. That took time and effort and care. Now he has to do all that time and effort again, not out love or creativity, but because the original was destroyed.
Lucas did NOTHING wrong and his cousin should've apologized to him, not the other way around. Plus you should've talked to your sister about how what she did when she gave her son permission to look at things Lucas didn't want touch. You say in your post you aren't excusing it, but you also didn't admonish her for it, which you should've.
You forced him to apologize for being wronged. Who cares how old the other kid is, you showed him exactly what he said, “you never care”.
YTA and you handled it horribly
YTA. Why are you pushing for a 14 yo to be friends with an eight year old? They aren't going to have much in common. One is a small child and the other will be a grown ass adult in four years. Weird.
Also, your son should not have had to apologize until the other kid did first. I'm sorry, but eight is plenty old enough to know not to tear shit up. Maybe...here's a thought, maybe you could start taking your sons side occasionally. I feel bad for him.
INFO
Let me get this straight:
You dumped Lucas at your sister's house hoping to force a friendship with his much younger cousin.
Lucas asked his cousin to be careful with the sketchbook.
The cousin went through Lucas' things and destroyed them.
You forced Lucas to apologize to the person who destroyed his art.
Does Gabriel have some sort of disability that prevents him from knowing right from wrong?
Perhaps some muscle control issues that would cause him to rip up a sketchbook?
Do you consider your son less than your nephew so destroying his things is of no importance?
Yta Gabriel should apologize cause he caused the damage. At 8 you know better and for yall to excuse his behavior is beyond me. They should replace what ya nephew destroyed
The truth hurts! He is right, You put coddling your sister and her child before caring about the harm your child suffered. Do you always expect your son to "compromise" his wants and needs to make it easier for anyone but him. I bet he is forced to sacrifice his feelings/needs to your compulsion to make it "right" for anyone but him. At what point is he the one you fight for? YTA
YTA. "Because you never care." is not a low blow this is how your make your child feel. DO BETTER!!!!! I mean JFC you are not holding your sister or her son accountable for destroying your sons stuff AND making him apologizes shows exactly how little you care about your son, his feeling and his property!!!!!!
Your comment about him just being able to redraw his sketches is HORRIBLE. 1. They will not turn out the same! 2. you don't value or care about how much time your son has spent on these drawing. How about you let your nephew destroy something you have spent hours on I mean you can just redo it right?
And you didn’t care, did you? You made HIM apologize, didn’t confront your sister about what she allowed her child to do or about not calling you, you just said you’d replace the materials. You DIDN’T act like a parent who cares. YTA.
I am middle aged and almost the exact thing happened to me when I was a kid. My cousin drew all over my dolls faces with a pen and my mother just told me to get over it while my cousin was laughing in the background. I still remember 50 years later and I know it’s stupid but I haven’t spoken to my cousin in 30 years and told my aunt off as well. I still feel my mother didn’t care but that is a totally different subject. Make the kid apologize to your son and stand up for him. I know that two wrongs don’t make a right but if yr son needs to apologize so does your sister and her son.
So let me get this right, you think buying your son a few sketch books will erase the abuse he suffered at the hands of your sisterband nephew and bring back hundreds of hours he spend on his sketches.
That's like someone destroying your house, then forcing you to apologies TO them for getting angry your house has collapsed into a rubble.
Gave you a bag of cement to build your house and call it even.
Why do you hate your son ?
YTA
YTA my cousins ALWAYS destroyed my stuff. One of the things that was most sacred to me was my Animal Crossing village. I had it for like 6 years and worked REALLY hard on it. My cousins deleted my save file and started over. It took a LOT of effort to do that so they HAD to make a conscious decision to do so the same way Gabriel did to rip up your son’s sketches. I cried about it and my mom made me feel like shit for being upset about it and made me apologize to my cousin for being upset. They never apologized to me for hurting my feelings. Nobody ever made them apologize for hurting me. I always apologized for my reactions to the way they made me feel. YTA YTA YTA and your son said it the best it seems like you “never care”.
Also what do an 8 and 14 year old have in common? Nothing. How good of friends could they be?
Congratulations, you just taught your son that his possessions and his interests don't matter, and that if his treasured items get destroyed by someone else, you won't care.
Eight is old enough to understand that he shouldn't tear up someone else's sketchbook. Your nephew apparently purposefully destroyed something your son cares very much about. Your son is naturally upset about this & you wrote his feelings off as a "tantrum".
You, your sister & your nephew *all* owe Lucas an apology.
YTA. And I wouldn't be surprised if Lucas stops sharing any of his interests with you at all.
Gabriel is fucking 8. My sister is 8 and she hasn't broken my things since she was 5. Your sisters kid should know better. You're an asshole for not validating your sons feelings. Your sister needs to teach her kids some fucking consequences. I hate the "they're just a kid excuse"
Why do I read this shit? I made myself a nice cup of coffee and sat out on the balcony on this beautiful morning and now I'm all angried up. Obviously, YTA. Something inside you made you ask, so I guess that's good. But you treat your son like crap. From expecting him to babysit, and yes it's babysitting not "being friends" to not sticking up for him when his property is destroyed. 8-years-old is well old enough to know better. Your son is currently trapped in a family that treats him like garbage. Fix that.
Yta and a huge one, and I say this as a professional artist. I still remember tense things from me and my mom over my art from when I was in 3rd grade and that was at least 20 years ago. Drawing is hard work time and effort, that could actually lead to a well paying career. Yet you and your sister completely disregarded that. A very poor attitude. If you don't start listening to your kid they're gonna go LC with you when they get the chance.
>But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them.
Wow, tell me you aren't an artist without telling me you aren't an artist. YTA.
You're the asshole. Your sister is the asshole. The 8yo is a spoilt brat.
It's one thing to smudge the drawings . It's another thing to tear the drawings completely. It was a deliberate action. Your son throwing the tantrum is completely normal because no one would be happy to have months and hours of their hardwork destroyed
You should apologize to your son. Make your sister/nephew apologize to your son.
Just saw the edit and I hope you take more interest in your son's passion. You could offer him rewards, get him stuff he likes as a way of encouragement
It’s only a low blow if there’s truth to what he said. What have you done to him to make him say that? Also the way you write it makes it seem like you care more about your own feelings than his.
YTA.
Your sister who is a full grown adult and should be the one acting so in this situation. She is offended because a 14 year old child responded like any child would to having his hard work destroyed.
Her son is old enough to understand how to respect other people’s property and the fact that he tore your son’s sketchbooks up is a pretty malicious thing to do. Why is your son not getting an apology?
Based on what you posted above I can already guess why your son said what he did to you. The fact that he was reluctant to even tell you what happened in the first place speaks volumes about how he feels he is treated.
You have failed him in this scenario. You have dismissed his very valid emotions. Then chose to side with the very people who hurt him in the first place.
“You don’t care”.
It’s likely your son has been keeping all kinds of things to himself. Someone destroyed his “emotions on paper” and outlet for him. So he cussed the kid out after holding all that stuff inside and then seeing his creative outlet destroyed. If you can’t understand that then I don’t know what to tell you. The kid has to have his emotions and thoughts validated. He also needs to know you’re in his corner.
How in the world do you think an 8yr old doesn’t know not to rip up someone’s work? Especially after they shared it with him kindly? The boy knew what he did. You know what the consequence was? Your son yelling at him and cussing him out. Clearly, The adults didn’t think Gabrielle needed a consequence. Sure the kid could have probably expressed his anger better…if YOU had taught him it to do so.
Then you made your son apologize?
YTA, not the victim. Please look up some parenting resources on how to approach teens.
YTA. Not only are you TA, but so is your sister. Your nephew needs to be taught boundaries and to not touch other people things....especially DON'T DESTROYER THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS!!!
You are also hurt at what your son told you, but this post proves him right. YOU don't care. YOU made your son apologize for getting his personal items violated and destroyed.
Again.....YTA
Ignoring everything else that went down, Lucas told Gabriel to be careful. No excuses! And also why is he touching Lucas' sketchbook without Lucas there? Terrible all around.
And YTA.
YTA In a few years you’ll be like that “fired” Mom on TikTok whining about her kids cutting contact with her. But that’s ok, right? At least you’ll have your sister to comfort you.
YTA. Seems like you put everyone else’s feelings above your kid. Probably tell him to suck it up everytime someone wrongs him. I’d be pissed if something like this happened and the ADULT didn’t call me immediately. Stop babying your sister and stand up for your son for once. Your next post will probably be “ my son turned 18 and wants nothing to do with me.. whyyyy??” Poor kid
Your husband is correct, you are the biggest AH
You should have defended your kid instead of keeping up appearances, terrible parenting decision.
Good luck getting him to trust you again, clearly by the fact he said you “never care” you have done things like this before.
Also, why tf did you think a 14 year old teen would be friends with an 8 year old boy? What a stupid expectation.
Sounds like at least the father is in the kids corner, I hope he rips your stupid sister a new one and never allows the son near them again.
>I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom. Lucas was offended, but did so.
>When we go to home, I asked why Lucas didn't tell me that Gabriel had torn up his sketchbooks. Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them.
Kids are smart. They see things and know BS when it happens.
You, your sister, and your nephew owe your son an apology, and you especially owe your son a parent who actually cares about them.
YTA.
On what planet are you not the a-hole?!?! Did you even bother to read what you wrote or just hurried to get it posted because you think you're such a wonderful parent? (yeah, that hurt to even type)
How about your sister comes over and destroys what means the most to you, then you apologize to her for her actions, because she didn't mean to, she's only 40 years old, afterall.
YTA - no way are you not 100% the ah. I feel so bad for your son. If he goes no contact with you in a few years, you're going to be back on reddit saying you don't understand why he wants nothing to do with you.
I hope this is a troll...
Wah what an ahole
Poor boy, sucks to have a "mother" like you
Maybe in another life he'll get a good mother who actually cares about him and his feelings
OP, please respond to some of these comments, and let us know how your sister responded when you told her that your son is still waiting for an apology from Gabriel.
So your sister decides that her son can help himself to your son's property, and she either sees it and doesn't care, or doesn't watch him enough when he ruines your son's property. In fact!, it's apperently perfectly fine in your sister's eyes, cause "her son is just a little kid". And then they get offended, and you ask your son to apologice, for what is, to everyone else here, an understandble, upset reaction?! Your son's absolutely f-ing right YOU DON'T CARE! With your "apologice for being upset your property was taken without your permission and ruined beyond repare with no remorse from us" and "we can just get you another one for you to spend time on redrawing all over again", it's CLEAR! that who you REALLY! love between the boys your sister's son! Also, you're claiming that you don't excuse them, but the reason you come here is because your husband actually views the guilty party to be the ones in the wrong, and your son's answer and your actions have made it clear that you think nothing of his feelings or properties! YTA!
Yta,
The most glaring part to be discussed is the fact that your son shared his feelings with you, and you made it about yourself and how you feel.
Throughout the post, his feelings were continuously not an acknowledged.
He was at your sister's because YOU wanted him to be friends with a 8 year old. Nothing about whether or not he actually wanted to go.
You called his Rightful anger at something of his being destroyed a "tantrum." Your son is also a child. You were so concerned about your sisters and nephews feelings that you completely ignored your sons feelings.
You mentioned that there were excuses, but not any apologies from your sister or nephew, so there's a little example of you showing your son you don't care.
If the actions in this post are similar, you're actively ignoring your son and his feelings, whether or not you realize it.
This child is 8 years old. He knows better than to destroy other people’s stuff. You are trying to force your kid to be your sister’s free babysitter (teenagers and primary school kids are not “friends” that hang out as equals), and when the brat intentionally destroyed your son’s months or years of art, you blame you kid for being upset. And then you get mad at his accurate assessment of your refusal to stand up for him because you think you should be immune from criticism. Furthermore, you are acting like replacing the physical sketch books (the art can never be recreated, contrary to your bullshit about how he can draw more) is some grand gift and not the bare fucking minimum.
Stop selling out your kid to your terrible sister. Start being a decent parent if you don’t want to be criticized. How can you possibly think your behavior was remotely appropriate?
YTA. Save this post and read it in five or ten years when your son goes no contact, and you will have all the explanation you could ever need as to why he was right to do so.
What exactly does your sister have on you that you must hustle to keep her happy at the expense of your child?
Like, is it some kind of childhood dynamic that you were never allowed to upset her, or what? Lucas is a child who needs his parent to advocate for him. And your first action here was to stomp him down to please your sister and her brat. Of course he thinks you don’t care! You don’t, really, you’re more aggrieved that he made a scene in front of them.
You have more work on yourself to discover what makes you such a people pleaser to your sister that you’d trample all over your own child for her.
8 and 14 is a pretty big age difference to be friends if they aren’t already inclined.
If anything it’s a pretty tough age combination because the 14 year old is old enough to have different interests, but not quiite old enough to have maturity to see perspective in younger kid hijinks.
That on top of it sounds like there is something off with your Sister’s household dynamic. That she didn’t call you when your Son was that upset isn’t excusable. To young preteens, their art can be very personal and meaningful. Sketchbooks can also show their own progression of art they did at age 10, 12 to now and mean a lot to them. That is art that they can’t just re-draw. I have a close friend who lost her sketchbooks at this age and she was so devastated she stopped drawing for nearly a decade.
It’s like if personal journals were ripped up and you but them a new notebook and say “well just write everything down again. You kind of remember your first kiss/fishing trip with Dad/etc so it’s the same.”
It sounds like your Son doesn’t trust you, he Didn’t trust that you would hear how miserable he was for days. THAT is a serious issue especially as he goes into his teens. That he doesn’t trust you to understand why he values things or his comfort when staying with other adults could lead to serious safety issues down the road. Especially when teen drinking enters the world of possibility. Him not trusting you could lead to him in dangerous situations.
YTA especially if the younger kid wasn’t asked to apologize either. Also that your Sister didn’t call you immediately or that evening would have her banned as a solitary host for my kid. I would expect any other parent to at least give me a heads up that something happened.
You're not just TA, you're an idiot. A cruel one. If someone ruined my sketchbooks, my work, my ideas, my hard work, I'd be furious and devastated.
You need therapy, to get that self-righteous stick out of your arse! You and your sister, who would be doing your son a favour banning him imo.
WTAF? Your son is also “just a kid” and your nephew is definitely old enough to know better unless there are medical reasons, which then your sister would be aware of and properly managing. Your sister is a major ah for touching your sons things and allowing her son to destroy them.
And I can’t believe you are just “oh he can redraw them” as if that’s the actual issue. Poor kid.
YTA, as a hobby artist..I would be devastated if someone tore my sketches up.. and he is eight years old.. he knew exactly what he was doing!! An eight year old knows how to be gentle with important items. Does he rip up his school books? Library books???
I'm 34 years old now, and my mother still collects my random art pieces.. one time she was mad bc I left a sketch at a restaurant..
It's hard for me to believe, you don't understand how hurtful, seeing his hard work destroyed was...
Your sister should be ashamed and so should you!
“Gabriel has no friends.” No wonder he has no friends if this is how he behaves and that is how his mother handles it. He DESTROYED someone’s work. I loved drawing as a kid. It wouldn’t matter if you got me new stuff because the stuff I made and slaved over is gone. It’s not the same to just draw it again. Your sister should’ve been ashamed for her son, not offended by your son. Her kid destroyed something someone else made but somehow she’s not worried about that? Who would want to be friends with nephew knowing those things about him? And seeing your reaction after your son told you, it’s obvious you don’t care. Your sons prized items and things he cares about got completed ripped to shreds and instead of being furious for your kid you took the side of the kid who ruined his stuff. I would’ve been so angry for my kid if I knew that happened. You buying your son new stuff is not enough. You need to do better because your son clearly knows you don’t actually care about his needs.
My daughter is 7 and in no way would she even consider tearing up other people's things. He isn't 'just a kid' , he is old enough to understand to respect property.
Maybe that's why Gabriel has no friends. Hasn't learnt his boundaries and never will.
Gabriel doesn’t have friends because he destroys peoples hard work. Your sister is enabling bad behaviour in her son that is making him a destructive asshole and friendless. She is failing him as a parent by treating him like he is incapable of knowing right from wrong. You clearly have a pattern of not standing up for your son and treating him like he doesn’t matter. Instead of reflecting on that you feel hurt and don’t even consider the hurt your behaviour has caused your son. YTA
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Me (42F) and my husband (47M) have a son (14M), I'll call him Lucas.
Lucas is generally a sweet and nice kid, he's friendly, he's very open, etc. He likes to read comics and draw, I think he's pretty good at it. I'm really proud of him, I couldn't wish for a better son.
Anyway, Lucas has been visiting my sister (28F) for 3 days. My sister has a son (8M) Gabriel. I was hoping Lucas would be friends with him. I exchanged messages with Lucas and he always said it's going okay.
Yesterday, I went to my sister's house to pick up Lucas and she looked really hurt. Lucas was sitting there glum as well. I asked what was wrong and my sister told me to ask my son that question.
It took me a long time to convince Lucas to tell me the truth, and he finally admitted what was wrong.
As I understand it, Gabriel was curious about what Lucas was drawing (he had his sketchbooks with him). Lucas let him see his sketchbooks, but told him that Gabriel should handle them carefully.
But when Lucas was outside, Gabriel (with his mother's permission, as I understand it, and I'm not excusing her for this) decided to check Lucas's things. When Lucas returned to the house, he found his sketchbooks torn up. I mean, I'm not excusing what Gabriel did.
But according to my sister, my son didn't want to call me or my husband and he didn't want to hear Gabriel's excuses. He threw a tantrum and called Gabriel a ton of names, even though my sister said he was just a kid. All these days the atmosphere in the house was tense, my sister didn't call me because she was offended.
My sister said she didn't even know if she would still want me or my son at their house after that.
I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom. Lucas was offended, but did so.
When we go to home, I asked why Lucas didn't tell me that Gabriel had torn up his sketchbooks. Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them.
But my husband thinks I acted like an asshole in this situation and Gabriel and my sister are wrong.
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What would a 14 and 8 year old have in common anyway? Guessing nephew has no friends because of the behaviors. What 8yo sheds a sketchbook it’s not like he was a 2 yo
YTA. 8 years old is not an age where wanton destruction is written off as being just a kid. He should know better and your sister especially should know better.
Not only are u TA it seems u do this on a regular basis where u constantly belittle ur child even if he isn’t in the wrong. U need to either take some parenting classes or prepare to end up like the parents with kids that bearly like them
YTA
Why would you even want your 14 year old to be buddies with an immature 8 year old?
Your poor kid.
Honestly, it sounds like you don't care all that much about him...
YTA Your Sisters the A$$ and delusional if she thinks your kid will want anything anything to do with her and her kid in the future. Your nephew is a brat. You wanted them to be friends well three people managed to torpid that dream. Also you have damaged your relationship with your kid and your husband.
YTA
You proved that you don't care about what matters to your son.
He was sent to entertain a spoiled brat nearly half his age for three days, (where were you for those three days, by the way?) You decided for him that he needs to be friends with his much younger cousin and even then he was kind enough to share his love of art with this kid. Then said spoiled brat, with -his mom's permission-, went through someone else's personal property and ruined it on purpose. And if you think for a second that an eight year old child tore up his stuff "by accident", then you are delusional. This is a kid that has been pampered to the point where he thinks he can do anything and his Mommy will bend over backwards to shield him from consequences. And your response when he tells you what happened? You just say you'll buy more sketchbooks.
That was his ART. Something he worked hard to create. He can't just "redraw" what was ruined. You've shown him that however "proud" you say you are of his talent, you know nothing about it. The art he was keeping is a proof of his progress over time and how he's growing as an artist, it has memories connected to when it was drawn, and it's not something he can just magically reproduce. What was destroyed was the time, effort and sentimental value of something precious to him. Even worse was that it was destroyed maliciously. Simply because the spoiled brat felt like it.
And then you just shrugged and offered to buy more paper.
He is right. You don't care. You even made his hurt about you. Why should he consider your feelings when you haven't considered his at all? He is a child suffering from an injustice that his mom helped commit against him and all you, the adult, can think is, "Well what about ME???"
YTA for making your son to apologize to a child who destroyed his art (with help of his mother, WTF???)
Also, for trying to make a 14 year-old to be friends with an 8 year old child. They have NOTHING in common, do you honestly think your son is in any way close in developmental level to a child???
It is quite obvious you infantilise your son, and buying him back new sketchbooks is the first actual good thing you've done here.
YTA
Your son worked HARD on that. This isn’t a toddler, it’s an 8 year old kid who ABSOLUTELY knows better. And you proved to your son that everyone else’s feelings are still more important to you than his.
The fact that he’s already saying this shows you’re permanently damaging your relationship with your son. I think you’re in for a rude awakening when he gives you the same treatment as an adult.
>But when Lucas was outside, Gabriel (with his mother's permission, as I understand it, and I'm not excusing her for this) decided to check Lucas's things. When Lucas returned to the house, he found his sketchbooks torn up. I mean, I'm not excusing what Gabriel did.
Please explain to me, slowly, like I'm younger than Gabriel, why your son was expected to apologize for anything.
YTA and so is your sister
YTA.
Miss Girl. You took your son’s open communication of his feelings - “because you never care” - and promptly made it all about *you*.
You are the parent here. Your son hurts your feelings? Tough shit. That comes second to *your son clearly being in distress*. Kids understand when they’re not being treated well and it impacts them a lot. He’s hurting as a direct result of your actions and when you should have *seen* that and mothered him, you instead tried to make him the bad guy. A 14 year old.
You have two choices. You can either start prioritizing Lucas over your sister, nephew, and own selfish ass and start working on growing the hell up, or you can continue to cause harm to Lucas until he eventually goes no contact with all of you for being unfair and uncaring.
You pick.
>Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me
deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't
think he could say those words to his own mom.
They weren't a "low blow". They were a fucking cry for help. Stop being thin-skinned and insulted, and realize that you'd better get the message real fast that you've been fucking up as a parent for a while, you didn't know it, and even now you don't really know how you did it. Which means you HAVE TO LISTEN. YOU'RE THE PARENT. Do you love your son? You say so. If you do, then you will WANT to do nothing but figure out how to NOT be the parent he says that to. That's ON YOU.
Even the fact that he actually said those words to you shows how desperate he is. He was able to call you from his aunt's place, but he didn't, because he didn't think you'd have his back. AND YOU PROVED HIM RIGHT, because you DIDN'T have his back. Did you stand up to your sister for him? Did you demand that HE get an apology as well? A sincere one? And an explanation for why this was allowed to happen in the first place? (Saying "I'll get you a new sketchbook and you can redraw your things in it" just proves you really DON'T get what being an artist is.)
You need to sit with yourself for a while and accept that this is a wake-up call for you about YOUR flaws as a parent. You need to figure out what those flaws are. And just be grateful your kid let you know how he's feeling. The alternative is him clamming up out of a sense of defeat, so that you never understand why you and he "just aren't that close any more" as he grows up.
Do. BETTER.
YTA.
If you told Gabriel to be very careful with something like your wedding album or Lucas’ baby book, showed Gabriel and then you put it away. You trust that the kid and the adult are going to honour your request and not touch other people’s belongings so you leave the room.
You come back in and Gabriel has destroyed your wedding album. Or the baby book. Or whatever not replaceable very personal item you cherish.
How do you react? Are you going to be upset? Maybe yell? Now your husband or your mom comes in and forces YOU to apologize to the people who destroyed your things. How do you think that feels? To apologize for having your own items destroyed?
Why would you expect a 14 year old to spend time with an 8 year old let alone be his friend? Did Lucas want to go? Or did you tell him he was going?
I largely suspect you sent him against his wishes and now his things are destroyed and YOU MADE IT HIS FAULT. YOU MADE HIM APOLOGIZE.
OBVIOUSLY YTA
YTA, I really hope this is ragebait... your nephew took your sons sketchbook without his permission, and ripped his work. He probably spent hours and hours working on all the things he had in there. Yeah he could redraw what he already did, but it's never going to be the exact same. With only your side of the story, I can tell your son is right, you never stand up for him. I hope he has a dad or someone that actually cares.
YTA and it sounds like your son is never heard. Why should your nephew 'being a kid' excuse his poor behavior? And his mother co-signed? And threatened to never have you back even after your son apologized? She would be dead to me until she apologized at that point. Your priorities are out of whack
You need to do some serious reflecting because "you never listen" doesn't come out of nowhere. It doesn't come out of a couple of instances. It comes from repeated ill treatment and will take a long time to repair. If you even can. He's already 14.
Edited because I forgot: YTA
YTA
You're sister didn't call you because she has no leg to stand on. How do you not see that? If she did, she would have had you pick Lucas up right away.
But was it a low blow? I mean, you kind of don't care.
It's something my mom would say. That's not a good thing.
If I were you I'd make sure I have enough to retire on without needing to rely on Lucas. My mom does, so I guess you get a little sassy when you don't need anyone?
The unfolding of events didn't do anything positive for anyone involved. Yes, my mom would do/say something similar, but she also would have done so if I was 8 yr old Gabriel. I think my mom would have been right to do so.
You could always do what my mom did and throw down my conservative estimate of (obscene number I'll send if anyone's interested and was too ashamed to put publically) over 20 years for therapy, group therapy. I took out the cost of psychopharmacologist (that problem has a genetic component I'll guess doesn't apply to you), and took out the amount I felt was spent on the genetic component that went to therapy. This figure did not include out of pocket meds over 20 years and may not apply anyhow). If you tell me what state you live in, I'll try to control for price according to geography.
There are other factors but I did the best I could.
On the bright side, this does buy you amnesia of your sins (ALL sins), and a close relationship in adulthood. To be honest, it even bought a bit of a rewriting of history. Only the good memories remain, but I'm conscious there is bunch of stuff, boxed away in the mental attic.
I'm sure I overshared and I'll regret it later when someone looks through my comments when I say something a-hole-ish (yes, that will be my fault and I'll deserve it), but it will be worth it because I feel like Lucas needs someone to put a price on his misery.
My response is totally over the top, but I identify with Lucas.
YTA. Your sister raised a kid that happily destroys other people's prized possessions, you raised a kid who can't even trust you to be mad about it, and neither of you have the critical thinking skills to figure out that you (the GROWN ADULTS) are the problem here.
You claim to really love your son? Act like it. You're upset he doesn't think you care? Do better.
So your sister brat tore up your sons stuff he went off and you went off on your son and you wondering wat?, I have to misread this next thing going to read is why my child don't talk to me
you clearly do not care. if you did you wouldn't have made your son apologize when he was the injured party. you bowed to your sister because she was 'offended' her precious baby got called out on his actions. YTA
YTA - your son opened up and revealed that he feels you don’t care about him, his things or what he has to say. Instead of reflecting on your behaviors that made him feel that way, you made it about YOU!! That is so incredibly selfish of you. You say “I can’t believe he would say that to his own mother” as if he should be incapable of having his own thoughts and feelings. As if he was insulting you, which he wasn’t. Like he couldn’t possibly find any fault in you as a parent and the fact that he thinks your anything other than perfect is an affront.
He honestly answered your question. The appropriate response would have been to apologize for making him feel that way, perhaps ask him what you have done to make him feel that way, then adjust your behavior - words and actions going forward. Don’t try to hide behind your own hurt feelings to avoid his just because it would mean holding yourself accountable
ETA: I’m not sure why you would hope the boys would be friends. 8 and 14 are worlds apart. I don’t know many teens who want to hang out and be “friends” with younger kids. Not at this age.
I have a son myself who just turned 9. “He’s just a kid” is not a reasonable excuse or justification for your nephew destroying the scrap book. An 8 yr old should absolutely know better. Unless knowing better = knowing he won’t get in trouble for his misbehaviors
"Because you never care" those words hurt me deeply
Notice something? Your own son outright said that he feels you never care and your first thought is how hurt YOU are. You then continue on in that paragraph about how you're so hurt and you never would've thought he'd say those things to you.
It's all you you you YOU
Nothing about how ashamed you are that your own son feels like you don't care, nothing about making sure you do better in the future to show him you care, nothing about guilt of not being a better mother
It's all about how YOU'RE hurt and YOUR feelings and YOUR shock
YTA 8 is plenty old enough to not be a little jerk and ruin someone else’s things? And the heck is wrong with you and your sister? She lets her son destroy your child’s belongings and you’re just like “oh well” and tell him to say sorry for being upset about it? The hell is wrong with you.
Your sister is an AH for allowing her son to treat your sons things that way. You are the AH for not standing up for your son and also for thinking a 14 year old and an 8 year old are going to be friends. In short doses maybe, three days is a stretch.
>But my husband thinks I acted like an asshole in this situation and Gabriel and my sister are wrong
I mean... your sister and Gabriel *were* wrong. Yes 8 is a kid, but you know what? So is 14, both old enough to know better, both still too emotionally immature to stop that bubble of emotions.
But... was Gabriel made to apologize? And your sister? Or was your son the only one who was made to eat crow?
As an artist myself I can tell you that this;
>. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them
Not really how it works for a great many of us. I can't redraw my own art to the same specifications and quality, especially if I don't even have a reference (books were torn up)....it's rough and depending on what he draws and why... those could be very emotional for him. That's not replaceable.
YTA if you didn't require an apology be made to him, and if that's common that's likely why you got that hurtful comment
YTA. I'm going to be harsh because I want you to understand this: what he said, he meant.
You say you aren't excusing your sister or her son- you are. An 8 year old is old enough to know that he shouldn't just rip up someone else's drawings. "Just a kid" doesn't mean shit here.
"He could redraw his drawings in them" - you're telling him you view his WORK, his EFFORT, as no big deal. Just redo it. Who cares, right?
Your son cares. Your son put love, effort, creativity, and TIME into the art that was ripped up in mere minutes that he cannot get back.
That is why he says "you never care." Because really, you don't.
Yes, YTA and so is your sister.
I hope you re-read what you wrote and give it some thought. Not a single line where you show any empathy for your kid, or at least try to understand his feelings and acknowledge that he had every right to be hurt and angry.
He had something really valuable to him, and despite that, he was kind enough to let his little cousin check it out with one simple condition, to be careful with it. But then, he was disrespected completely by your sister who, for some reason, thought that she could make decisions over someone else's belongings which resulted in that valuable thing, that your son previously asked to be treated with care, absolutely destroyed. And to end things, even his mom acts like he's the only one with no right to be offended although he was obviously wronged. How come that his own mom is incapable of seeing this? Was he the only one apologizing? I hope that your husband talked to Lucas so that he at least feels that one of his parents cares and understands him.
And I'm not saying that you don't care about your son, but if he's expressing that you never do, you just don't know how to show it to him and that's something you have to work on. I get that it hurt you deeply hearing those words, but how much must it hurt for him to feel that way and end up saying it? And, if you don't want your kid throwing whatever names when he is angry, maybe, as his parent, try to do some research on how to help him out on developing some emotion management techniques. Although, once again, prior to this should come that self-work I mentioned before on how to properly listen and validate your son's feelings and opinions.
YTA... Along side your sister and nephew. Huge ones at that. You let your son apologize to them for being upset that they destroyed your son hard work.
And in your opinion he can just draw a new one, really!
So you actually really don't care for him or his needs.
Maybe you should look at your upbringing to understand where the roots to your behavior are, bc it sure sounds like you hat to apologize to your sister often for things she did.
You are a people pleaser at the expense of your SON!
Your sister let her son tuch things that A) don't belong to her or her son. Without knowledge of the owner. B) let her son destroy it, without consequences for her son. And C) through a fit because the victim in all this was upset.
Really great parenting on your part you are in this and I don't know how many other occasions the enabler of fals behavior on your sisters part, and a victim blamer.
First. You need to apologize to your son for not standing up for him.
Second. You need to go to therapy to understand where your behavior is coming from.
Third. You have to do better in the future, if not you can kiss your son goodbye at his 18th birthday forever.
Wake up woman!!!
Good luck
UpdateMe
Oh boy, are YTA. Your nephew DESTROYED your son's things, and you made your son apologize? WTAF? As an artist, this hurts my soul that you are so thoughtless and cruel to your son. And quite frankly, if I were Lucas, I would never want to go back to your sister's house. And Lucas is right. You DGAF about him or his art. You are wrong. Gabriel and your sister are wrong. I feel so sorry for your son. At least his father supports him.
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If your son apologized for throwing a tantrum did your sister AND Gabriel apologize for destroying his sketch book? YTA if your son was the only one made to apologize. "Because you never care" - doesn't sound like a low blow to me and in fact leads me to believe this isn't the first time you took your sister's side and her sister's kid over yours. Why again did you want them to be friends?
I dealt with this a lot growing up. Always told to suck it up in favor of the true wrongdoer because of family BS dynamics. As a result, as I aged, I lost any and all interest being any where near the specific people who did this stuff. There were many times were i also felt the "because you never care" feeling that Lucas feels. If he is already saying that at 14, that tells me he has been dealing with stuff like this his whole life and that he always gets the short end of the stick. Kids are very observant even if they don't talk a lot. I became a very quite kid over time as I picked up on the patters with these types of people. YTA and so is your sister. You need to stand up for your sister and establish proper boundaries with your sister. Her being "offended" is complete BS for a reason not to call you considering the level of issues this has caused. She also doesn't accept any blame for her own family or her reaction and they are gaslighting you against your son. Better be careful or you won't have a relationship with your son when he ages. I don't have much of one with my dad at all anymore.
Right? I read this part: >All these days the atmosphere in the house was tense, my sister didn't call me because she was offended. >even though my sister said he was just a kid And this part: >My sister said she didn't even know if she would still want me or my son at their house after that. WHO IS THE ADULT HERE? OP's sister sounds like she spoils her kid and only gave excuses which lead to the son's anger and tantrum. I doubt Lucas would be so upset if he was apologized to.
Wtf do they think the kid would ever want to go there again?
Right, they want Lucas to happily go back to the place where his property was destroyed, bullied by adults, and insulted by a bunch of AH. Going to her house is not a prize. It's torture
Oh, they will be making him go back. After all, if he isn’t allowed over how will he babysit (I mean “befriend”) the spoiled brat of a nephew?
He's just a kid??? He's entirely old enough to know not to destroy other peoples property...likely he did it on purpose. Sister AND her kid are assholes
I could understand a 2 or 3 year old destroying the drawings but a neurological 8 year is old enough to understand that behavior is wrong and hurtful
Did you mean "neurotypical"?
Yes
>WHO IS THE ADULT HERE? OP's sister sounds like she spoils her kid and only gave excuses which lead to the son's anger and tantrum The sister saying 'hes just a kid' is creating a destructive disrepectful tyrant who has come to believe he can get away with bad behaviour because mum excuse it so its ok
>I dealt with this a lot growing up. Always told to suck it up in favor of the true wrongdoer because of family BS dynamics Yep this was me. I was easier to manipulate into apologizing and "being the bigger person" I was also the youngest so there was a lot of "seen and not heard" expectations. It did keep the peace in the family. And now everyone wonders why I moved away and am NC with most of them. It broke my heart to that OP admitted her son said "because you never care". This child has been emotionally neglected for years and she doesn't even see it or I guess even care to. Her telling her son that he "can just redraw". Just shows how little she views her son.
Her own wording shows how dismissive she is of his feelings. By calling it a tantrum she's instantly calling his feelings unjustified. I also have an artist kid. Her sketchbooks are precious to her. When we talked about what to do in case of a fire her sketchbooks are the one thing she said she would want to grab. The way she talks about "just replace them" absolutely not. You can't replace a sketchbook. You can't just redraw everything. Sketchbooks are like a diary, a scrapbook, a documentation of their life during different periods of time, a reminder of how they have improved. The fact that she talks about them as replaceable shows she doesn't even care about his hobby, his art, and doesn't even bother trying to understand what they mean to him. If someone ripped up my kids sketchbook and she yelled and freaked out I think she would be totally justified in that reaction. Sure, I would have a talk about better ways to express herself in the future, but I wouldn't expect her to handle the destruction of something so precious and irreplaceable to her with the highest amount of grace, she's still a kid. A lot of adults would yell at too if something so treasured and irreplaceable of their was destroyed too. OP YTA here. For not valuing your kids passion. For dismissing and downplaying how important his art is. For not backing him up when something terrible was done to him. Your sister is right, you guys probably shouldn't be spending time together. Not because of your kids reaction, but for her dismissal of what her kid did.
Ikr I have an artist neice around the same age as OP’s son. If my other sister’s son, a bit younger than OP’s nephew, ripped up her sketchbooks and his mother demanded *she* apologize for getting angry we would have taken her to get her head scanned for a tumor. Certainly not pulled the BS that OP is doing to her son. It shows just how little OP cares about her child, and now she’s upset because her son is telling her the truth. She may *say* she loves her kid, but actions speaks louder than words. Lucas is going to completely cut her and her family out of his life the moment he’s able to and she’ll be left wondering why, and it’s entirely because she never cared enough about him.
Yep. This is the type of parent who will wonder why their kid went no contact and say that they loved their kid and did everything right. Then sight that they gave them a roof over their heads and food everyday, as if that's all it takes to make you a good parent. They fail to see how the lack of support, respect, and value they put on their kids makes them a terrible parent. "Who cares if I was emotionally neglecting them? They didn't starve to death so I'm a great mother!"
Oh, I see you've met my mother.
I was the artist kid but the one destroying things was my youngest sister. She either took or destroyed what she wanted until I left home. My mom was like OP and her sister in that she always dismissed it and I was always in trouble for my reactions. My relationship with my mom has been damaged forever because she’s never taken accountability and still similarly scapegoats me when she needs one and my sister and I didn’t fix things until we were adults. OP is completely clueless to the damage that she’s doing long term to her son and the fact that he’s not going to want to return to aunt’s house again anyway. OP needs to reevaluate her actions before sis and her future monster are the only family that she has left.
Plus, how many 14 year olds *want* to be friends with an 8 year old!
the OP obviously doesn't see her son as a teenager, soon to be an adult, but a baby that should hang out with 8 year olds.
An 8 y/on who some how doesn't know better than to not destroy someone else's property. There's a whole host of issues here.
somehow both a baby AND a fully responsible adult that should be responsible for managing his cousin and aunt's feeling and emotions, regardless of the abuse they heap on him...Schoedinger's child- but adult and baby simultaneously
Why the hell was her son the one apologizing when they're the ones who ruined his stuff? Also, *why* did they ruin his stuff? I feel like we're missing something here.
For real! The other kid is 8, not 3 or 4. 8 is definitely old enough not to just rip up someone else's book on an impulse. What was going on there? I also don't get "wanted to check Lucas's things". What does that MEAN? And why did this 8 year old kid have \*his mother's permission\* to take his cousin's things, let alone destroy them? OP's sister is a terrible parent. She has no respect for anyone, and yet she's "offended" that her kid got told off for being destructive. After \*she\* let him take something that wasn't his, without the owner's permission. WHY? OP is YTA for not having enough backbone to confront her sister what what she and her kid did, and demand an apology to HER son, and some kind of compensation. As a part of the whole, sure, have Lucas apologize to the child for the language used, perhaps. But that should have been a much lesser apology than what Lucas was owed, but it seems he never got. ALSO, while I'm at it -- OP is a bad parent for NOT telling Lucas that if there is ever anything wrong, anything at all, he could call her or his father, and he'd be picked up. OP needs to LISTEN to "you don't care", not be all offended about it. You're the damned adult here! You have messed up, and you need to listen and figure out how to fix it.
honestly sounds like the sister is raising a spoiled brat if she was willing to never have her nephew or sister over for something HER child did wrong and acted like it was the nephews fault instead of her destructive kid. Also the fact she even let him into Lucas things shows shes not the type to say no. And OP just enables them both by taking the obviously wrong parties side of things. But OPs language is also super self centered so I guess her and her sister have a lot in common.
The truth is always a "low blow" to people who don't like being held accountable for their actions or in this case inactions.
Honestly, Op, you’re oblivious. How can you NOT understand why your son said you didn’t care, when you made him apologize for being mad at a child that was GIVEN PERMISSION BY ANOTHER ADULT, ripped his prized items up. Your job as his mom was to protect him. So if everyone isn’t apologizing, your son should not apologized either and he’s also a kid who had their boundaries pushed. YTA
You're hoping a 14 year old will be friends with an 8 year old? What exactly do you think they're going to have in common? Those are vastly different ages with vastly different hobbies/interests. Did your son want to spend time with his cousin or did you pressure him to because you want them to be friends? How often do you take your sister and Gabriel's side over your son's? "Because you never care." makes me think Lucas's wants, needs, and opinions are often ignored. YTA. Your son had something he worked hard on destroyed. He's the one who deserves an apology. Sure he can he draw them again, but they will never be the same. That work is gone forever. You say you're proud of him, but your actions show that you don't consider his art to be worth anything. Not even the apology he is owed. EDIT: Grammar
>You're hoping a 14 year old will be friends with an 8 year old? That was VERY much my first question! No way in hell would I have ever befriended an 8-year-old when I was 14. I was babysitting 8-year-olds when I was 14.
It also seems like Gabriel is the family favorite, which is unforgivable. Her loyalty should be to her own son, Lucas. That poor kid.
Yes, there clearly is sweet baby Gabriel and the other one
>YTA. Your son had something he worked hard on destroyed. He's the one who deserves an apology. Sure he can he draw them again, but they will never be the same. That work is gone forever. You say you're proud of him, but your actions show that you don't consider his art to be worth anything. Not even the apology he is owed This! So much this! She is acting as if buying new albums solves things. Like, woman, do you even KNOW what art is? Not the "oh it's something cute my little sonny does, here here, pat pat, I am so proud of you, my little boy" but what that entails? That it's not just technique, that's not just even the act of drawing, it's also the heart poured in it. And it's hand drawn, it's never going to be "just redrawn" or just "copy and paste". Even if he is very very skilled and can do an almost perfect copy, the original art is basically no more. And it's a big fucking deal. OP, you're the massive arsehole in the situation and frankly I think the only grown up there is your husband. The reaction of the son is not a tantrum - it's a perfectly justified reaction when something dear to you gets destroyed. And the words of your son are not a low blow and "buhu, how can he tell that to his own mommy, i love him so much" - it's the truth. Love\\care is not about just saying "i love him so much", it's about acting like you do. And all your actions show that you are more upset about your sister being upset. You know, the sister that didn't manage to explain to her freaking 8 yo that destroying other ppls things is bad. I truly hope that you take the comments here to heart, apologize to your son for not having his back and never again make him go to that house, whether your sister "graciously allows" it or not.
[удалено]
Yeah, they’re acting like a 2-year-old with no understanding or body control tore up the drawings. An 8-year-old — someone in the _third grade_ — knows perfectly well not to do that. It comes down to the sister, for me: If her kid is too young or disabled to be blamed for tearing the pages up, she shouldn’t have given him permission go through them. If he’s mature and capable enough to be trusted to go through them, he should be blamed for tearing it up. She can’t have it both ways.
Sister coud have been envious of the drawings and told her kid to rip them up. Either way, OP is a terrible parent.
Agreed. Absolutely terrible. Imagine hearing your kid say “you never care” and thinking about how mean he was to say it, instead of being horrified and doing tons of reflection about what caused him to say it.
If my kid said that to me I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't be offended. I would be absolutely crushed.
In no case should the sister have allowed her son to touch the drawings. They aren't her drawings. They belong to her nephew. When Gabriel asked to see them, she should have told Gabriel that he needed to ask Lucas.
Yeah, I extra don't get this. Gabriel asked, and Lucas DID show him. So what was the reason for Gabriel "needing" to go through Lucas's things to see them again when Lucas wasn't there? How on earth did OP's sister thing that was okay in any way? That was a teachable moment for her kid: no, you can't do that until Lucas comes back and you ask him. Done. You don't touch other people's things without their permission. How does OP's sister not know that herself, and how has she failed to teach that to her son?
I always say to flip the situation... If someone were to do the same thing to Gabriel, he'd be angry, right? He'd state outright that it was wrong, that he wants an apology and some kind restitution. Well, he can't have it both ways. If you are capable of understanding wrongdoing when it happens to you, you must also see it as wrong if you do it to another.
Plus the 8 y-o took the sketchbooks with the permission of the sister. Sister is totally an AH just for letting that happen.
If you want a preview of your future, my parents did things like this to me consistently when I was a child, even when I didn’t throw a tantrum at being mistreated, and I’m now 35. I live across the country from them. I have not visited them for almost a year. If they make the effort, I will host them for a few days a couple times a year. We communicate over the phone. And I don’t trust them one iota or tell them anything of significance. We talk about weather and tv and what they cook. That’s it. YTA You need to consider very carefully whether you love your child or not. And then consider whether you love them more than your desire to please and appease other people.
100% this. I don't have any relationship with my dad outside of seeing him at family gatherings. I live 20 minutes away from him. I also have a massive inferiority complex despite graduating with latin honors from law school and having a good career. I'm always quick to apologize to avoid situations where I'll trigger bad memories from when I was a kid. I always feel my effort and output is not enough. I never feel accomplished, only a sense of relief when good things happen and its not ruined by something like this. its crazy how this stuff can affect you for the rest of yoru life and people are so quick to put kids down then blame the kid for their reaction. Perfect way for the kid to begin internalizing resentment and depression.
Same! And now, my sister has never bothered to visit us (currently lived in our house 10 years), I always have to make the effort to stay in contact (less and less now because honestly I don't give a shit anymore) and drive to visit them.. She doesn't even work, my hubby & I work crazy hours. And yet my Mum will throw and absolute hissy fit if I don't organize (communicating with sis), cook and clean when I do visit. OP is setting the stage for LC or NC
YTA >Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. Lucas told you he doesn't feel like he can share something with you and you somehow turn yourself until the victim. And can you blame him for not trusting you? You sided with your sister and nephew over him. Gabriel is old enough to know not to destroy someone else's property. He should have apologized to Lucas.
Well I guess it was a learned behavior since the sister acts like that
YTA. Gabriel might be "just a kid," but he is old enough to understand "no" and to not destroy someone else's artwork. You and your sister are both assholes for acting like Lucas is the bad guy here. No wonder he hasn't felt like he could come to anyone with his problems.
Totally. If the sister thinks he’s “just a kid” who can’t be expected to treat other people’s stuff with respect, then why the hell is she given him permission to go through other people’s stuff?!?! Maddening.
My cousin, sweet mama's little baby boy, "just a child" was beating me so hard my arms were covered with bruises. His mother kept making sad eyes, telling me I had done something to made him beat me and he was just a child and too young to understand it was bad to do so. Cousin was twelve. Ten plus kilos harder then me and taller. I would never forgive her. I would remember this words if I would have a child and on her funeral.
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Exactly how I feel. And honestly, the "never" in that sentence makes me think that this isn't the first time something like this has happened.
Not only that but she told him he could just "redraw" his drawings. I mean, my god.
YTA. Your first mistake was thinking a 14 year old can be friends with an 8 year old. Also, Gabriel is 8 not 3. He’s old enough to know better than to destroy other people’s belongings.
YTA. 8 is old enough to know better than to destroy someone elses property. How would YOU react if someone destroyed things YOU worked hard on? I understand him apologizing for calling Gabriel names, but DID gabriel APOLOGIZE? Did Gabriel's mother? Did you even ASK? Your SISTER is offended? WHY ARE YOU NOT OFFENDED FOR YOUR SON?!
So you think getting him a new sketchbook and just letting him redraw his work deserves a pat on the back?
Its literally not even possible to "redraw" it all. Even if he tried those sketches will never be the same. It would be like trying to rewrite your diary. You can't replicate what you felt or did in that moment
Exactly
YTA How exactly are you shocked that your son said >"Because you never care." It sounds like you sent him to visit your sister against his wishes. So that he could spend time with an 8 year old? Instead of holding the people who actually did him wrong accountable, you want him to suck up and take abuse from others. Your son didn't call you because he knew that you would've made it out to be his fault somehow or even had him stay longer to *reconcile*. Your sister was upset that someone actually told off her precious angel (spawn of Satan). It sounds like your sister's son had issues making friends due to his behavior. Which is probably why you sent your son over there. A teen doesn't just randomly snap at a child. With how you described your son and how you never described your nephew, there has to have been reoccurring behavior for that to happen. You also conveniently didn't describe your nephew like you did your son. Even with the word count, a person would usually have a sentence or two describing the environment they are sending their own child into. Not ONCE did you say your sister was in the wrong. Your husband did. You were told that she allowed her son to go through YOUR child's things and destroy them, and that she said she didn't want either of you at her anymore. Your response to all of that was, >I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom. >It took me a long time to convince Lucas to tell me the truth, and he finally admitted what was wrong. Due to YOUR past actions and responses, your son realized that regardless of what someone does to him, you will NEVER stand up for him and will blame him. You need to reflect on yourself and your previous actions as to why your son does not trust you and why you don't care about what happens to him. This is reoccurring behavior on your end that you need to become aware of. As well as take responsibility for your responses and inactions to situations regarding your son. You better learn, take responsibility, and make changes fast. You've spent 14 years proving to your son that you don't care about him. You have less than 2 years before he mentally checks out and loses respect for you as a mother, and 4 years before you're *dead* to him, to make it up to him and EARN his trust back. Once a person loses trust in someone else, their respect is lost either at the same time or shorter after.
This 100 percent!!!
Your sister is a victim blamer and she's raising an entitled brat. Lucas didn't owe Gabriel an apology. YTA
Might want to enter yourself into a biggest parenting failure contest.
oh great he can just re-draw all his drawings that he put work and emotion into ! yes YTA and what the FUCK is wrong with you??
So your sister and her kid destroyed your kids belongings that he put his time and energy into. Did it while he was out because they knew what they were doing was wrong. Then you have him apologize to them and downplay the damage they cause by promising him another blank SketchBook for him to put more time and energy into that he's not getting back from the old one. He's right. You don't care. Obviously you don't care or else you would have actually supported and defended him. You've already reached the point where your kid's not telling you things because they don't trust you. And then you turn around and prove their.
Info: why did your son say you never care? Has there been other instances where he was forced to apologize when something bad happened to him? Especially involving family?
Your nephew tore his work up? Work that took time and pouring his heart into his art? YTA. I have lost writing before and IT HURTS!!! Where is the apology to your son? Excuse me, apologies? Why on earth would your nephew destroy someone else's work? I hope your son never trusts your nephew. Nor your sister.
Your husband is right, your son is right. YTA, your nephew DESTROYED his stretch book and you made HIM apologize. Good God woman how stupid can you be. Your son will NEVER forget that YOU forced him to apologize while being the victim. He is right YOU don't care, at least not about him. I hope your husband has the good sense to make sure the son HE LOVES is never forced to be around your sister and her brat again. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself for what you did to your son.
YTA. I sincerely hope this is not real. I cannot imagine how often you have failed to protect or defend your son if he said “you never care”. This is obviously repeated behavior on your part. Whats worse is this situation just further reinforced his opinion of you. It wasn’t a low blow at all, it was extremely accurate if this current situation is reflective of your parenting. Also, why would a 14-year-old and an eight-year-old be friends? Furthermore, your nephew’s behavior was awful and so is his mother for enabling him. My six and seven-year-old nephews know better than to do something like that.
Your son tearfully told you that you never care, and your first instinct was "what a low blow"? YTA for that alone. He's right. You don't seem to care about him, only about making yourself look good. You keep saying "I'm not excusing what Gabriel did", yet you literally do. The entire post is just you excusing that kid's action. An 8 year old is not a toddler. They know better than to tear someone's sketchbook apart. You didn't have your son's back AND you forced him to apologize for something he had every right to be upset about. You. Need. To. Listen. You son is opening up and you're shutting him down because you're too egotistical to process what he has to say. YTA.
You force your kid to apologize for rightly having a shit fit about some 8 year old destroying his hard work and yes, art (especially if you have talent) is work. You didn't even bother to ask what happened. And this sort of thing has happened often enough that your son no longer believes that you care for him? Let's ask this: if your son had told you what had happened, what would you have done? How would you have responded? Would you have demanded your sister and nephew apologize? Considering you haven't done so yet, I'd bet no. YTA and a damn abusive parent.
Wow, I'm an artist and I remember being 14. My mother knew how much my sketchbooks meant to me and she would definitely have gone to bat for me in this situation. YTA you can love your son and still fucking suck.
Right? I painted this watercolor art and hung it on my closet door, it was my favorite painting and I remember the cleaning lady smudged it all while trying to dust it with a wet cloth. It was an honest mistake on her part and she apologized but I was still so upset after she left. My mom asked me if I want her fired, but we agreed she wasn't going to clean my room anymore. Her being on my side made it soo much easier to make peace with the situation. I can't even imagine how angry I'd be if I had to apologize to her while mourning my art.
I’m sorry to be harsh but you suck and your update sucks… did you at least apologize or was it just “here are new books for you to redo your stuff”…. Also just because he didn’t seem to be offended anymore doesn’t mean you solved the problem. At this point it seems like he just decided not to try anymore and just took the books because he has no more expectations of you as a parent. If you actually care about your kid put your actions where your money is. Alogogize to him. Tell your sister you and your son won’t be back until he has an apology from her and her son and mean it. Ask your son about the drawings he lost and what they meant to him and maybe try drawing with him… don’t just buy new books and be like “ah yes that’s all I needed to do”
Absolutely. Your son doesn't trust you it seems. He let out à cry for help and you follow up with " Woe is me " .
I;m hoping this is a troll and that no one could be so cold and unfeeling to their kid but if it's not: It's really telling that your reaction to your son expressing how unloved he feels is for you to think about how it hurts you and how bad he is for saying such a thing, rather than feeling guilt that you've made your son feel unloved. Also, why on earth has Lucas been punished for having his possessions ruined???
YTA You, in effect, told your son he had to apologize to someone who destroyed his property and artistic effort and your son got rightfully upset about it. That's pretty damn close to asking a victim to apologize to an abuser. No. Just fucking NO. Your sister and Gabriel owe your son an apology for destroying his artwork. Your sister let her kid look through your son's things, and then that kid ruined what probably took a lot of time and effort to create. Hey, OP? Do you want someone looking through your purse or other personal belongings without your permission? I'm betting not. What makes you think your son doesn't deserve the same respect and courtesy? Your son saying, "Because you never care" let's me know this isn't the first time you've made him bow down to other people even if he was right. I've been there and done that, and it scarred me. My mother did that kind of shit to me, and I resent it to this day. YTA YTA YTA Buying new sketchbooks isn't going to solve this.
YTA, You missed an opportunity to stand up for your son. You should of told your sister while it wasn't appropriate for your son to call him names what her son did was not okay, regardless of age. And it obviously caused an emotional reaction from lucas as that was something he was really proud of. You made your son apologise ?? You've shown your son you don't support him, and by his reaction this isn't the first time. That was a crappy decision and you should be reflecting on your parenting. Saying he can redraw them totally minimises the hard work and passion your son has. YTA
Very impressed that you somehow made Lucas losing something valuable to him all about you. I suspect this is a pattern
>were a low blow Does the truth hurt? Because from how you behaved in this situation I absolutely believe that this is a pattern and that was an accurate statement. YTA
Did your nephrew apologize to your son for destroying his sketch book, your son work hard on that drawing and your sister Selfish child destroy it, why should he apologize when your nephew hurt your son feeling and you Yta, your sister ta and her son, and stop forcing them to have a relationship and your husband is right, your sister you and her kid is wrong.
You clearly don't care. You forced your son to apologize even though your nephew destroyed his sketchbooks. And it sounds like Gabriel didn't have to apologize; you didn't even expect him to, did you? He hurt your son and you refused to stand up for Lucas. You really don't care and buying sketchbooks won't solve anything. Throwing money at the problem won't help. Yeah, you're as selfish and nasty as your nephew and sister and you're on here whining about how hurt you are while you ignore how hurt your son is. YTA
Your kid literally doesn't want to open up to you, doesn't reach out to you for help, and when pressed about this tells you that he doesn't think you are somebody who gives a shit about him. And your response to that is "baw you hurt my feelings, there is no other issue with what you have just said" Listen, lady. Most kids at 14 have given up the sketching around/doodles that kids do. Somebody still doing art at 14 really cares about making art - they're on their way to becoming an actual artist. Every piece of art is unique and IRREPLACEABLE. Artists aren't xerox machines - they can't just sit down and spew out a perfect copy if something is destroyed. And an fucking 8 year old isn't a toddler! An 8 year old destroying other people's property is MALICIOUS. It wasn't accidental! And his mom didn't give a shit that he was destroying his cousin's art, either! She didn't stop it! Your kid knows you don't love him and if you want him to think otherwise you need to do a LOT of soul-searching (which you won't, so you're gonna get a once a year 2-day visit at a holiday as soon as he's financially independent of you, and which will probably stop the minute his dad dies.)
YTA Your the asshole. As is your sister. You made him apologize because someone ruined his things after setting the boundary he couldn't see them. Your sister screwed up and is blaming your kid for her bad parenting. Bad parenting seems to be a trait on your side of the family. Listen to your son. He knows you don't have his back. You fail as a mom. And you fail as an aunt for enabling your nephews bad behavior.
Your a giant asshole if you need to know why just reread your post. Your son would not have said that if he didn't have a reason. You probably don't care that all the time he spent drawing was thrown out the window and he got punished for it. When he goes NC dont ask him why just read your own post. YTA coward.
Thank goodness Lucas has your husband. It’s important to have someone in your corner when your mother is a narcissist who doesn’t like you. YTA.
Although using abusive language, especially against a child, is wrong your son is also only 14 and, no doubt, hormonal. If this 8 year old is given a pass then why is he not also? Your instinct may have been to rebuke your own child for their abusive outburst, I understand that and agree with you. Being wronged doesn't permit verbally abusing someone, let alone a child/relative. But why didn't you challenge your sister? Her child is old enough to know what he did and destruction of such a personal item is deeply hurtful. It's essentially reading and destroying a diary by handling them and ripping them up. Suggesting he can just do them again in new books seems somewhat dismissive and a cack handed way of comforting him. You should have stuck up for your son and at the same time held him accountable. To me, based on a similar experience, it seems like your concern for your relationship with your sister is greater than your respect for your son and yourself as a parent. Don't take his trust and loyalty for granted, just because a parent might feel an innate bond or unbreakable link with their child doesn't mean it will always be reciprocated. YTA (but not a bad person)
YTA Why are yoi downplaying what happened to him ans how ypru sister enabled something that resulted in a loss of his work? She was offended and didn't call ypu and treated him horriblh for the few days? Why is a 14 year old supposed to be friends with an 8 year old anyway? You are hurt? You show3r you didn't care and are hurt cause he called you out on it.
I just told my 7-year- old son this scenario. I asked him if he would ever do such a thing. He had an offended kinda puzzled look on his face as he adamantly said no. I told him what your son did and how you reacted. He was angry, but not at your son. He couldn’t imagine a world where his mother wouldn’t have his back if someone destroyed something important to him. He would have immediately called me. He also can’t imagine a reason he would ever destroy someone’s property. You are massively failing your son and it seems like you have been for a very long time. You don’t have very long to fix this. I hope this post knocks some sense into you, and you finally choose your child.
Sounds like Gabriel doesn’t have friends for a reason. I hope Lucas is ok!!
YTA Buying a new sketchbook ain't going to help anything. You threw him under the bus for for your sister. Are you going to insist your sister apologize? Probably not because you don't care.
YTA- Your son has every right to be angry, and while there is a teaching moment in there about how to properly express and cope with anger, it sounds like you sided with your sister and her child...both of which were very, very in the wrong.
He can "redraw his drawings" If that was all you said, you'd be the asshole. As it is, YTA
YTA- The fact Lucas said you never care, shows this isn't the first time stuff like this has happened. And if you did care, the result would've been much different and you would've defended him. While Lucas did have a meltdown and called Gabriel names(understandably), did Gabriel and your sister apologize at all? It sounds like they didn't and you didn't stand up for your son and this wasn't the first time. Your sister isn't taking any responsibility. Gabriel and your sister are not victims in this, and you and your sister share complete blame on this. Gabriel can be given minor leeway, since he's 8 and apparently hasn't been taught right from wrong by his mom. Lucas can't just easily recreate the work he put into that. And I hope this kind of stuff doesn't sour his love of art, as it sounds like he's very talented. If it was a low blow, truth hurts, doesn't it?
The kid is 14 and probably put a lot of work into those sketches, I can understand him being angry at an 8 year old for tearing them up, considering that's pretty immature behavior for an 8 year old. It can be hard for teenagers to control their emotions, so flipping out about it is not too unexpected. 'Because you never care' is pretty typical 14 year old sentiment towards their parents, but I'd advise you to examine your own past behavior to see if you can remember times when you acted like this towards him. Remember that he has his own perspective on things, situations you have felt were just fine may have left him feeling like you don't care about him or want to take his side. At the very least, telling him he could redraw his art seems pretty insensitive to me. At 14, stuff like that is very meaningful and he probably feels like it's irreplaceable. Expecting a 14 year old to be friends with an 8 year old seems to be a bit out of whack too. YTA, based on what you wrote here, it sounds like you need to be more understanding.
YTA. I would have thrown a fit as well. His work was destroyed! Your sister and her spawn are also TA. Your son and husband are correct. You don't care and you are wrong!
YTA. eight is old enough to know that you don’t rip up other people’s stuff, especially after your son had already told him to be careful with it before, and his aunt shouldn’t give her son permission to go thru HIS STUFF. it’s his stuff, wtf. Your sister and her son should have apologized to your son for going thru his things and then the son destroying them, and you should apologize to him as well for how you handled this. Edit: I also wanted to add about the ‘ you never care ‘ comment because I want you to know, your actions have prove that to him.
YTA Getting angry at someone for ripping up your personal things involving hard work isn't "throwing a tantrum," it's expressing a justified emotion. Yes, Gabriel is "just a kid", but he is 8, not 2. He knew perfectly well what he was doing and that it was wrong. Did you expect Lucas to simply handwave his cousin's malicious destruction just because he's a few years older?
You should be ashamed of yourself. Your sister’s behaviour was inexcusable and your son lost something extremely precious because of it. Gabriel is also old enough to know better (one torn drawing is a mistake, a whole torn up sketchbook is intentional). Your son didn’t even reach out to you because he felt you wouldn’t stick up for him. The first thing you did was prove him right. YTA
YTA An 8 year old is absolutely old enough to know better, I personally know 3-4 year olds who know better, so this "he's just a kid" excuse does not work. Your son spent so long on those comics, cared so deeply for them, and they were destroyed. He had every right to be upset and "cause a scene" Oh and this "because you never care" so despite your words of loving him, you've clearly shown it either very little or just wrong. Clearly there's a history of your treatment of him that you left out. Btw redrawing it is not the same. That took time and effort and care. Now he has to do all that time and effort again, not out love or creativity, but because the original was destroyed. Lucas did NOTHING wrong and his cousin should've apologized to him, not the other way around. Plus you should've talked to your sister about how what she did when she gave her son permission to look at things Lucas didn't want touch. You say in your post you aren't excusing it, but you also didn't admonish her for it, which you should've.
You forced him to apologize for being wronged. Who cares how old the other kid is, you showed him exactly what he said, “you never care”. YTA and you handled it horribly
YTA. Why are you pushing for a 14 yo to be friends with an eight year old? They aren't going to have much in common. One is a small child and the other will be a grown ass adult in four years. Weird. Also, your son should not have had to apologize until the other kid did first. I'm sorry, but eight is plenty old enough to know not to tear shit up. Maybe...here's a thought, maybe you could start taking your sons side occasionally. I feel bad for him.
INFO Let me get this straight: You dumped Lucas at your sister's house hoping to force a friendship with his much younger cousin. Lucas asked his cousin to be careful with the sketchbook. The cousin went through Lucas' things and destroyed them. You forced Lucas to apologize to the person who destroyed his art. Does Gabriel have some sort of disability that prevents him from knowing right from wrong? Perhaps some muscle control issues that would cause him to rip up a sketchbook? Do you consider your son less than your nephew so destroying his things is of no importance?
What previous cases is he talking about?
Yta.
Yta Gabriel should apologize cause he caused the damage. At 8 you know better and for yall to excuse his behavior is beyond me. They should replace what ya nephew destroyed
The truth hurts! He is right, You put coddling your sister and her child before caring about the harm your child suffered. Do you always expect your son to "compromise" his wants and needs to make it easier for anyone but him. I bet he is forced to sacrifice his feelings/needs to your compulsion to make it "right" for anyone but him. At what point is he the one you fight for? YTA
YTA. "Because you never care." is not a low blow this is how your make your child feel. DO BETTER!!!!! I mean JFC you are not holding your sister or her son accountable for destroying your sons stuff AND making him apologizes shows exactly how little you care about your son, his feeling and his property!!!!!! Your comment about him just being able to redraw his sketches is HORRIBLE. 1. They will not turn out the same! 2. you don't value or care about how much time your son has spent on these drawing. How about you let your nephew destroy something you have spent hours on I mean you can just redo it right?
And you didn’t care, did you? You made HIM apologize, didn’t confront your sister about what she allowed her child to do or about not calling you, you just said you’d replace the materials. You DIDN’T act like a parent who cares. YTA.
YTA and clearly a very poor parent
I am middle aged and almost the exact thing happened to me when I was a kid. My cousin drew all over my dolls faces with a pen and my mother just told me to get over it while my cousin was laughing in the background. I still remember 50 years later and I know it’s stupid but I haven’t spoken to my cousin in 30 years and told my aunt off as well. I still feel my mother didn’t care but that is a totally different subject. Make the kid apologize to your son and stand up for him. I know that two wrongs don’t make a right but if yr son needs to apologize so does your sister and her son.
So let me get this right, you think buying your son a few sketch books will erase the abuse he suffered at the hands of your sisterband nephew and bring back hundreds of hours he spend on his sketches. That's like someone destroying your house, then forcing you to apologies TO them for getting angry your house has collapsed into a rubble. Gave you a bag of cement to build your house and call it even. Why do you hate your son ? YTA
YTA my cousins ALWAYS destroyed my stuff. One of the things that was most sacred to me was my Animal Crossing village. I had it for like 6 years and worked REALLY hard on it. My cousins deleted my save file and started over. It took a LOT of effort to do that so they HAD to make a conscious decision to do so the same way Gabriel did to rip up your son’s sketches. I cried about it and my mom made me feel like shit for being upset about it and made me apologize to my cousin for being upset. They never apologized to me for hurting my feelings. Nobody ever made them apologize for hurting me. I always apologized for my reactions to the way they made me feel. YTA YTA YTA and your son said it the best it seems like you “never care”. Also what do an 8 and 14 year old have in common? Nothing. How good of friends could they be?
Congratulations, you just taught your son that his possessions and his interests don't matter, and that if his treasured items get destroyed by someone else, you won't care. Eight is old enough to understand that he shouldn't tear up someone else's sketchbook. Your nephew apparently purposefully destroyed something your son cares very much about. Your son is naturally upset about this & you wrote his feelings off as a "tantrum". You, your sister & your nephew *all* owe Lucas an apology. YTA. And I wouldn't be surprised if Lucas stops sharing any of his interests with you at all.
Gabriel is fucking 8. My sister is 8 and she hasn't broken my things since she was 5. Your sisters kid should know better. You're an asshole for not validating your sons feelings. Your sister needs to teach her kids some fucking consequences. I hate the "they're just a kid excuse"
Why do I read this shit? I made myself a nice cup of coffee and sat out on the balcony on this beautiful morning and now I'm all angried up. Obviously, YTA. Something inside you made you ask, so I guess that's good. But you treat your son like crap. From expecting him to babysit, and yes it's babysitting not "being friends" to not sticking up for him when his property is destroyed. 8-years-old is well old enough to know better. Your son is currently trapped in a family that treats him like garbage. Fix that.
Yta and a huge one, and I say this as a professional artist. I still remember tense things from me and my mom over my art from when I was in 3rd grade and that was at least 20 years ago. Drawing is hard work time and effort, that could actually lead to a well paying career. Yet you and your sister completely disregarded that. A very poor attitude. If you don't start listening to your kid they're gonna go LC with you when they get the chance.
>But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them. Wow, tell me you aren't an artist without telling me you aren't an artist. YTA.
You're the asshole. Your sister is the asshole. The 8yo is a spoilt brat. It's one thing to smudge the drawings . It's another thing to tear the drawings completely. It was a deliberate action. Your son throwing the tantrum is completely normal because no one would be happy to have months and hours of their hardwork destroyed You should apologize to your son. Make your sister/nephew apologize to your son. Just saw the edit and I hope you take more interest in your son's passion. You could offer him rewards, get him stuff he likes as a way of encouragement
It’s only a low blow if there’s truth to what he said. What have you done to him to make him say that? Also the way you write it makes it seem like you care more about your own feelings than his.
Wtf this kid tore up his stuff and you made him apologize? He is right you don't care
YTA. Your sister who is a full grown adult and should be the one acting so in this situation. She is offended because a 14 year old child responded like any child would to having his hard work destroyed. Her son is old enough to understand how to respect other people’s property and the fact that he tore your son’s sketchbooks up is a pretty malicious thing to do. Why is your son not getting an apology? Based on what you posted above I can already guess why your son said what he did to you. The fact that he was reluctant to even tell you what happened in the first place speaks volumes about how he feels he is treated. You have failed him in this scenario. You have dismissed his very valid emotions. Then chose to side with the very people who hurt him in the first place.
“You don’t care”. It’s likely your son has been keeping all kinds of things to himself. Someone destroyed his “emotions on paper” and outlet for him. So he cussed the kid out after holding all that stuff inside and then seeing his creative outlet destroyed. If you can’t understand that then I don’t know what to tell you. The kid has to have his emotions and thoughts validated. He also needs to know you’re in his corner. How in the world do you think an 8yr old doesn’t know not to rip up someone’s work? Especially after they shared it with him kindly? The boy knew what he did. You know what the consequence was? Your son yelling at him and cussing him out. Clearly, The adults didn’t think Gabrielle needed a consequence. Sure the kid could have probably expressed his anger better…if YOU had taught him it to do so. Then you made your son apologize? YTA, not the victim. Please look up some parenting resources on how to approach teens.
YTA. Not only are you TA, but so is your sister. Your nephew needs to be taught boundaries and to not touch other people things....especially DON'T DESTROYER THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS!!! You are also hurt at what your son told you, but this post proves him right. YOU don't care. YOU made your son apologize for getting his personal items violated and destroyed. Again.....YTA
Ignoring everything else that went down, Lucas told Gabriel to be careful. No excuses! And also why is he touching Lucas' sketchbook without Lucas there? Terrible all around. And YTA.
YTA In a few years you’ll be like that “fired” Mom on TikTok whining about her kids cutting contact with her. But that’s ok, right? At least you’ll have your sister to comfort you.
YTA. Seems like you put everyone else’s feelings above your kid. Probably tell him to suck it up everytime someone wrongs him. I’d be pissed if something like this happened and the ADULT didn’t call me immediately. Stop babying your sister and stand up for your son for once. Your next post will probably be “ my son turned 18 and wants nothing to do with me.. whyyyy??” Poor kid
YTA. Yes you're an asshole and a nasty parent. Hope this helps clear things up!
Your husband is correct, you are the biggest AH You should have defended your kid instead of keeping up appearances, terrible parenting decision. Good luck getting him to trust you again, clearly by the fact he said you “never care” you have done things like this before. Also, why tf did you think a 14 year old teen would be friends with an 8 year old boy? What a stupid expectation. Sounds like at least the father is in the kids corner, I hope he rips your stupid sister a new one and never allows the son near them again.
>I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom. Lucas was offended, but did so. >When we go to home, I asked why Lucas didn't tell me that Gabriel had torn up his sketchbooks. Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them. Kids are smart. They see things and know BS when it happens. You, your sister, and your nephew owe your son an apology, and you especially owe your son a parent who actually cares about them. YTA.
On what planet are you not the a-hole?!?! Did you even bother to read what you wrote or just hurried to get it posted because you think you're such a wonderful parent? (yeah, that hurt to even type) How about your sister comes over and destroys what means the most to you, then you apologize to her for her actions, because she didn't mean to, she's only 40 years old, afterall. YTA - no way are you not 100% the ah. I feel so bad for your son. If he goes no contact with you in a few years, you're going to be back on reddit saying you don't understand why he wants nothing to do with you. I hope this is a troll...
Op is queen ah
Wah what an ahole Poor boy, sucks to have a "mother" like you Maybe in another life he'll get a good mother who actually cares about him and his feelings
OP, please respond to some of these comments, and let us know how your sister responded when you told her that your son is still waiting for an apology from Gabriel.
So your sister decides that her son can help himself to your son's property, and she either sees it and doesn't care, or doesn't watch him enough when he ruines your son's property. In fact!, it's apperently perfectly fine in your sister's eyes, cause "her son is just a little kid". And then they get offended, and you ask your son to apologice, for what is, to everyone else here, an understandble, upset reaction?! Your son's absolutely f-ing right YOU DON'T CARE! With your "apologice for being upset your property was taken without your permission and ruined beyond repare with no remorse from us" and "we can just get you another one for you to spend time on redrawing all over again", it's CLEAR! that who you REALLY! love between the boys your sister's son! Also, you're claiming that you don't excuse them, but the reason you come here is because your husband actually views the guilty party to be the ones in the wrong, and your son's answer and your actions have made it clear that you think nothing of his feelings or properties! YTA!
Yta, The most glaring part to be discussed is the fact that your son shared his feelings with you, and you made it about yourself and how you feel. Throughout the post, his feelings were continuously not an acknowledged. He was at your sister's because YOU wanted him to be friends with a 8 year old. Nothing about whether or not he actually wanted to go. You called his Rightful anger at something of his being destroyed a "tantrum." Your son is also a child. You were so concerned about your sisters and nephews feelings that you completely ignored your sons feelings. You mentioned that there were excuses, but not any apologies from your sister or nephew, so there's a little example of you showing your son you don't care. If the actions in this post are similar, you're actively ignoring your son and his feelings, whether or not you realize it.
This child is 8 years old. He knows better than to destroy other people’s stuff. You are trying to force your kid to be your sister’s free babysitter (teenagers and primary school kids are not “friends” that hang out as equals), and when the brat intentionally destroyed your son’s months or years of art, you blame you kid for being upset. And then you get mad at his accurate assessment of your refusal to stand up for him because you think you should be immune from criticism. Furthermore, you are acting like replacing the physical sketch books (the art can never be recreated, contrary to your bullshit about how he can draw more) is some grand gift and not the bare fucking minimum. Stop selling out your kid to your terrible sister. Start being a decent parent if you don’t want to be criticized. How can you possibly think your behavior was remotely appropriate? YTA. Save this post and read it in five or ten years when your son goes no contact, and you will have all the explanation you could ever need as to why he was right to do so.
What exactly does your sister have on you that you must hustle to keep her happy at the expense of your child? Like, is it some kind of childhood dynamic that you were never allowed to upset her, or what? Lucas is a child who needs his parent to advocate for him. And your first action here was to stomp him down to please your sister and her brat. Of course he thinks you don’t care! You don’t, really, you’re more aggrieved that he made a scene in front of them. You have more work on yourself to discover what makes you such a people pleaser to your sister that you’d trample all over your own child for her.
8 and 14 is a pretty big age difference to be friends if they aren’t already inclined. If anything it’s a pretty tough age combination because the 14 year old is old enough to have different interests, but not quiite old enough to have maturity to see perspective in younger kid hijinks. That on top of it sounds like there is something off with your Sister’s household dynamic. That she didn’t call you when your Son was that upset isn’t excusable. To young preteens, their art can be very personal and meaningful. Sketchbooks can also show their own progression of art they did at age 10, 12 to now and mean a lot to them. That is art that they can’t just re-draw. I have a close friend who lost her sketchbooks at this age and she was so devastated she stopped drawing for nearly a decade. It’s like if personal journals were ripped up and you but them a new notebook and say “well just write everything down again. You kind of remember your first kiss/fishing trip with Dad/etc so it’s the same.” It sounds like your Son doesn’t trust you, he Didn’t trust that you would hear how miserable he was for days. THAT is a serious issue especially as he goes into his teens. That he doesn’t trust you to understand why he values things or his comfort when staying with other adults could lead to serious safety issues down the road. Especially when teen drinking enters the world of possibility. Him not trusting you could lead to him in dangerous situations. YTA especially if the younger kid wasn’t asked to apologize either. Also that your Sister didn’t call you immediately or that evening would have her banned as a solitary host for my kid. I would expect any other parent to at least give me a heads up that something happened.
You're not just TA, you're an idiot. A cruel one. If someone ruined my sketchbooks, my work, my ideas, my hard work, I'd be furious and devastated. You need therapy, to get that self-righteous stick out of your arse! You and your sister, who would be doing your son a favour banning him imo.
No comments. So is this fake, or are you just unwilling to face the music?
WTAF? Your son is also “just a kid” and your nephew is definitely old enough to know better unless there are medical reasons, which then your sister would be aware of and properly managing. Your sister is a major ah for touching your sons things and allowing her son to destroy them. And I can’t believe you are just “oh he can redraw them” as if that’s the actual issue. Poor kid.
YTA, as a hobby artist..I would be devastated if someone tore my sketches up.. and he is eight years old.. he knew exactly what he was doing!! An eight year old knows how to be gentle with important items. Does he rip up his school books? Library books??? I'm 34 years old now, and my mother still collects my random art pieces.. one time she was mad bc I left a sketch at a restaurant.. It's hard for me to believe, you don't understand how hurtful, seeing his hard work destroyed was... Your sister should be ashamed and so should you!
No wonder the 8 year old doesn't have friends his age. He sounds like trouble.
| Gabriel has no friends. Gee, I wonder why...YTA still
“Gabriel has no friends.” No wonder he has no friends if this is how he behaves and that is how his mother handles it. He DESTROYED someone’s work. I loved drawing as a kid. It wouldn’t matter if you got me new stuff because the stuff I made and slaved over is gone. It’s not the same to just draw it again. Your sister should’ve been ashamed for her son, not offended by your son. Her kid destroyed something someone else made but somehow she’s not worried about that? Who would want to be friends with nephew knowing those things about him? And seeing your reaction after your son told you, it’s obvious you don’t care. Your sons prized items and things he cares about got completed ripped to shreds and instead of being furious for your kid you took the side of the kid who ruined his stuff. I would’ve been so angry for my kid if I knew that happened. You buying your son new stuff is not enough. You need to do better because your son clearly knows you don’t actually care about his needs.
My daughter is 7 and in no way would she even consider tearing up other people's things. He isn't 'just a kid' , he is old enough to understand to respect property. Maybe that's why Gabriel has no friends. Hasn't learnt his boundaries and never will.
He will if sis steps up and tells him to stop touching and ruining other people's shit.
> Gabriel has no friends. Can't imagine why...
Gabriel doesn’t have friends because he destroys peoples hard work. Your sister is enabling bad behaviour in her son that is making him a destructive asshole and friendless. She is failing him as a parent by treating him like he is incapable of knowing right from wrong. You clearly have a pattern of not standing up for your son and treating him like he doesn’t matter. Instead of reflecting on that you feel hurt and don’t even consider the hurt your behaviour has caused your son. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (42F) and my husband (47M) have a son (14M), I'll call him Lucas. Lucas is generally a sweet and nice kid, he's friendly, he's very open, etc. He likes to read comics and draw, I think he's pretty good at it. I'm really proud of him, I couldn't wish for a better son. Anyway, Lucas has been visiting my sister (28F) for 3 days. My sister has a son (8M) Gabriel. I was hoping Lucas would be friends with him. I exchanged messages with Lucas and he always said it's going okay. Yesterday, I went to my sister's house to pick up Lucas and she looked really hurt. Lucas was sitting there glum as well. I asked what was wrong and my sister told me to ask my son that question. It took me a long time to convince Lucas to tell me the truth, and he finally admitted what was wrong. As I understand it, Gabriel was curious about what Lucas was drawing (he had his sketchbooks with him). Lucas let him see his sketchbooks, but told him that Gabriel should handle them carefully. But when Lucas was outside, Gabriel (with his mother's permission, as I understand it, and I'm not excusing her for this) decided to check Lucas's things. When Lucas returned to the house, he found his sketchbooks torn up. I mean, I'm not excusing what Gabriel did. But according to my sister, my son didn't want to call me or my husband and he didn't want to hear Gabriel's excuses. He threw a tantrum and called Gabriel a ton of names, even though my sister said he was just a kid. All these days the atmosphere in the house was tense, my sister didn't call me because she was offended. My sister said she didn't even know if she would still want me or my son at their house after that. I said Lucas should apologize to Gabriel and his mom. Lucas was offended, but did so. When we go to home, I asked why Lucas didn't tell me that Gabriel had torn up his sketchbooks. Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them. But my husband thinks I acted like an asshole in this situation and Gabriel and my sister are wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What would a 14 and 8 year old have in common anyway? Guessing nephew has no friends because of the behaviors. What 8yo sheds a sketchbook it’s not like he was a 2 yo
YTA. 8 years old is not an age where wanton destruction is written off as being just a kid. He should know better and your sister especially should know better.
YTA. 8 is plenty old enough to know you don't tear up other people's stuff. You should be insisting they apologise to him!
Not only are u TA it seems u do this on a regular basis where u constantly belittle ur child even if he isn’t in the wrong. U need to either take some parenting classes or prepare to end up like the parents with kids that bearly like them
YTA. I feel sorry for Lucas.
YTA Why would you even want your 14 year old to be buddies with an immature 8 year old? Your poor kid. Honestly, it sounds like you don't care all that much about him...
YTA Your Sisters the A$$ and delusional if she thinks your kid will want anything anything to do with her and her kid in the future. Your nephew is a brat. You wanted them to be friends well three people managed to torpid that dream. Also you have damaged your relationship with your kid and your husband.
YTA You proved that you don't care about what matters to your son. He was sent to entertain a spoiled brat nearly half his age for three days, (where were you for those three days, by the way?) You decided for him that he needs to be friends with his much younger cousin and even then he was kind enough to share his love of art with this kid. Then said spoiled brat, with -his mom's permission-, went through someone else's personal property and ruined it on purpose. And if you think for a second that an eight year old child tore up his stuff "by accident", then you are delusional. This is a kid that has been pampered to the point where he thinks he can do anything and his Mommy will bend over backwards to shield him from consequences. And your response when he tells you what happened? You just say you'll buy more sketchbooks. That was his ART. Something he worked hard to create. He can't just "redraw" what was ruined. You've shown him that however "proud" you say you are of his talent, you know nothing about it. The art he was keeping is a proof of his progress over time and how he's growing as an artist, it has memories connected to when it was drawn, and it's not something he can just magically reproduce. What was destroyed was the time, effort and sentimental value of something precious to him. Even worse was that it was destroyed maliciously. Simply because the spoiled brat felt like it. And then you just shrugged and offered to buy more paper. He is right. You don't care. You even made his hurt about you. Why should he consider your feelings when you haven't considered his at all? He is a child suffering from an injustice that his mom helped commit against him and all you, the adult, can think is, "Well what about ME???"
You're a REALLY shitty mom. I feel bad for your son.
YTA for making your son to apologize to a child who destroyed his art (with help of his mother, WTF???) Also, for trying to make a 14 year-old to be friends with an 8 year old child. They have NOTHING in common, do you honestly think your son is in any way close in developmental level to a child??? It is quite obvious you infantilise your son, and buying him back new sketchbooks is the first actual good thing you've done here.
YTA Your son worked HARD on that. This isn’t a toddler, it’s an 8 year old kid who ABSOLUTELY knows better. And you proved to your son that everyone else’s feelings are still more important to you than his. The fact that he’s already saying this shows you’re permanently damaging your relationship with your son. I think you’re in for a rude awakening when he gives you the same treatment as an adult.
>But when Lucas was outside, Gabriel (with his mother's permission, as I understand it, and I'm not excusing her for this) decided to check Lucas's things. When Lucas returned to the house, he found his sketchbooks torn up. I mean, I'm not excusing what Gabriel did. Please explain to me, slowly, like I'm younger than Gabriel, why your son was expected to apologize for anything. YTA and so is your sister
YTA. Miss Girl. You took your son’s open communication of his feelings - “because you never care” - and promptly made it all about *you*. You are the parent here. Your son hurts your feelings? Tough shit. That comes second to *your son clearly being in distress*. Kids understand when they’re not being treated well and it impacts them a lot. He’s hurting as a direct result of your actions and when you should have *seen* that and mothered him, you instead tried to make him the bad guy. A 14 year old. You have two choices. You can either start prioritizing Lucas over your sister, nephew, and own selfish ass and start working on growing the hell up, or you can continue to cause harm to Lucas until he eventually goes no contact with all of you for being unfair and uncaring. You pick.
>Lucas cried and said, "Because you never care." Those words hurt me deeply and were a low blow because I really love my son and I didn't think he could say those words to his own mom. They weren't a "low blow". They were a fucking cry for help. Stop being thin-skinned and insulted, and realize that you'd better get the message real fast that you've been fucking up as a parent for a while, you didn't know it, and even now you don't really know how you did it. Which means you HAVE TO LISTEN. YOU'RE THE PARENT. Do you love your son? You say so. If you do, then you will WANT to do nothing but figure out how to NOT be the parent he says that to. That's ON YOU. Even the fact that he actually said those words to you shows how desperate he is. He was able to call you from his aunt's place, but he didn't, because he didn't think you'd have his back. AND YOU PROVED HIM RIGHT, because you DIDN'T have his back. Did you stand up to your sister for him? Did you demand that HE get an apology as well? A sincere one? And an explanation for why this was allowed to happen in the first place? (Saying "I'll get you a new sketchbook and you can redraw your things in it" just proves you really DON'T get what being an artist is.) You need to sit with yourself for a while and accept that this is a wake-up call for you about YOUR flaws as a parent. You need to figure out what those flaws are. And just be grateful your kid let you know how he's feeling. The alternative is him clamming up out of a sense of defeat, so that you never understand why you and he "just aren't that close any more" as he grows up. Do. BETTER. YTA.
Yta
If you told Gabriel to be very careful with something like your wedding album or Lucas’ baby book, showed Gabriel and then you put it away. You trust that the kid and the adult are going to honour your request and not touch other people’s belongings so you leave the room. You come back in and Gabriel has destroyed your wedding album. Or the baby book. Or whatever not replaceable very personal item you cherish. How do you react? Are you going to be upset? Maybe yell? Now your husband or your mom comes in and forces YOU to apologize to the people who destroyed your things. How do you think that feels? To apologize for having your own items destroyed? Why would you expect a 14 year old to spend time with an 8 year old let alone be his friend? Did Lucas want to go? Or did you tell him he was going? I largely suspect you sent him against his wishes and now his things are destroyed and YOU MADE IT HIS FAULT. YOU MADE HIM APOLOGIZE. OBVIOUSLY YTA
YTA, I really hope this is ragebait... your nephew took your sons sketchbook without his permission, and ripped his work. He probably spent hours and hours working on all the things he had in there. Yeah he could redraw what he already did, but it's never going to be the exact same. With only your side of the story, I can tell your son is right, you never stand up for him. I hope he has a dad or someone that actually cares.
YTA and it sounds like your son is never heard. Why should your nephew 'being a kid' excuse his poor behavior? And his mother co-signed? And threatened to never have you back even after your son apologized? She would be dead to me until she apologized at that point. Your priorities are out of whack
UPDATEME
This makes me want to cry.
UpdateMe
You need to do some serious reflecting because "you never listen" doesn't come out of nowhere. It doesn't come out of a couple of instances. It comes from repeated ill treatment and will take a long time to repair. If you even can. He's already 14. Edited because I forgot: YTA
YTA You're sister didn't call you because she has no leg to stand on. How do you not see that? If she did, she would have had you pick Lucas up right away. But was it a low blow? I mean, you kind of don't care. It's something my mom would say. That's not a good thing. If I were you I'd make sure I have enough to retire on without needing to rely on Lucas. My mom does, so I guess you get a little sassy when you don't need anyone? The unfolding of events didn't do anything positive for anyone involved. Yes, my mom would do/say something similar, but she also would have done so if I was 8 yr old Gabriel. I think my mom would have been right to do so. You could always do what my mom did and throw down my conservative estimate of (obscene number I'll send if anyone's interested and was too ashamed to put publically) over 20 years for therapy, group therapy. I took out the cost of psychopharmacologist (that problem has a genetic component I'll guess doesn't apply to you), and took out the amount I felt was spent on the genetic component that went to therapy. This figure did not include out of pocket meds over 20 years and may not apply anyhow). If you tell me what state you live in, I'll try to control for price according to geography. There are other factors but I did the best I could. On the bright side, this does buy you amnesia of your sins (ALL sins), and a close relationship in adulthood. To be honest, it even bought a bit of a rewriting of history. Only the good memories remain, but I'm conscious there is bunch of stuff, boxed away in the mental attic. I'm sure I overshared and I'll regret it later when someone looks through my comments when I say something a-hole-ish (yes, that will be my fault and I'll deserve it), but it will be worth it because I feel like Lucas needs someone to put a price on his misery. My response is totally over the top, but I identify with Lucas.
YTA. Your sister raised a kid that happily destroys other people's prized possessions, you raised a kid who can't even trust you to be mad about it, and neither of you have the critical thinking skills to figure out that you (the GROWN ADULTS) are the problem here. You claim to really love your son? Act like it. You're upset he doesn't think you care? Do better.
So your sister brat tore up your sons stuff he went off and you went off on your son and you wondering wat?, I have to misread this next thing going to read is why my child don't talk to me
you clearly do not care. if you did you wouldn't have made your son apologize when he was the injured party. you bowed to your sister because she was 'offended' her precious baby got called out on his actions. YTA
YTA - your son opened up and revealed that he feels you don’t care about him, his things or what he has to say. Instead of reflecting on your behaviors that made him feel that way, you made it about YOU!! That is so incredibly selfish of you. You say “I can’t believe he would say that to his own mother” as if he should be incapable of having his own thoughts and feelings. As if he was insulting you, which he wasn’t. Like he couldn’t possibly find any fault in you as a parent and the fact that he thinks your anything other than perfect is an affront. He honestly answered your question. The appropriate response would have been to apologize for making him feel that way, perhaps ask him what you have done to make him feel that way, then adjust your behavior - words and actions going forward. Don’t try to hide behind your own hurt feelings to avoid his just because it would mean holding yourself accountable ETA: I’m not sure why you would hope the boys would be friends. 8 and 14 are worlds apart. I don’t know many teens who want to hang out and be “friends” with younger kids. Not at this age. I have a son myself who just turned 9. “He’s just a kid” is not a reasonable excuse or justification for your nephew destroying the scrap book. An 8 yr old should absolutely know better. Unless knowing better = knowing he won’t get in trouble for his misbehaviors
"Because you never care" those words hurt me deeply Notice something? Your own son outright said that he feels you never care and your first thought is how hurt YOU are. You then continue on in that paragraph about how you're so hurt and you never would've thought he'd say those things to you. It's all you you you YOU Nothing about how ashamed you are that your own son feels like you don't care, nothing about making sure you do better in the future to show him you care, nothing about guilt of not being a better mother It's all about how YOU'RE hurt and YOUR feelings and YOUR shock
YTA 8 is plenty old enough to not be a little jerk and ruin someone else’s things? And the heck is wrong with you and your sister? She lets her son destroy your child’s belongings and you’re just like “oh well” and tell him to say sorry for being upset about it? The hell is wrong with you.
Yta - how are you NOT excusing your sister?? They destroyed HIS things.
Your sister is an AH for allowing her son to treat your sons things that way. You are the AH for not standing up for your son and also for thinking a 14 year old and an 8 year old are going to be friends. In short doses maybe, three days is a stretch.
Yta. Enjoy the last 4 years with your son cause that's all you are going to get.
Yta for not supporting your kid. Sis and her kid are jerks.
Yta
YTA. YTA. YTA.
>But my husband thinks I acted like an asshole in this situation and Gabriel and my sister are wrong I mean... your sister and Gabriel *were* wrong. Yes 8 is a kid, but you know what? So is 14, both old enough to know better, both still too emotionally immature to stop that bubble of emotions. But... was Gabriel made to apologize? And your sister? Or was your son the only one who was made to eat crow? As an artist myself I can tell you that this; >. But I promised him that I would buy him new sketchbooks and he could redraw his drawings in them Not really how it works for a great many of us. I can't redraw my own art to the same specifications and quality, especially if I don't even have a reference (books were torn up)....it's rough and depending on what he draws and why... those could be very emotional for him. That's not replaceable. YTA if you didn't require an apology be made to him, and if that's common that's likely why you got that hurtful comment
YTA. I'm going to be harsh because I want you to understand this: what he said, he meant. You say you aren't excusing your sister or her son- you are. An 8 year old is old enough to know that he shouldn't just rip up someone else's drawings. "Just a kid" doesn't mean shit here. "He could redraw his drawings in them" - you're telling him you view his WORK, his EFFORT, as no big deal. Just redo it. Who cares, right? Your son cares. Your son put love, effort, creativity, and TIME into the art that was ripped up in mere minutes that he cannot get back. That is why he says "you never care." Because really, you don't.
Yes, YTA and so is your sister. I hope you re-read what you wrote and give it some thought. Not a single line where you show any empathy for your kid, or at least try to understand his feelings and acknowledge that he had every right to be hurt and angry. He had something really valuable to him, and despite that, he was kind enough to let his little cousin check it out with one simple condition, to be careful with it. But then, he was disrespected completely by your sister who, for some reason, thought that she could make decisions over someone else's belongings which resulted in that valuable thing, that your son previously asked to be treated with care, absolutely destroyed. And to end things, even his mom acts like he's the only one with no right to be offended although he was obviously wronged. How come that his own mom is incapable of seeing this? Was he the only one apologizing? I hope that your husband talked to Lucas so that he at least feels that one of his parents cares and understands him. And I'm not saying that you don't care about your son, but if he's expressing that you never do, you just don't know how to show it to him and that's something you have to work on. I get that it hurt you deeply hearing those words, but how much must it hurt for him to feel that way and end up saying it? And, if you don't want your kid throwing whatever names when he is angry, maybe, as his parent, try to do some research on how to help him out on developing some emotion management techniques. Although, once again, prior to this should come that self-work I mentioned before on how to properly listen and validate your son's feelings and opinions.
YTA... Along side your sister and nephew. Huge ones at that. You let your son apologize to them for being upset that they destroyed your son hard work. And in your opinion he can just draw a new one, really! So you actually really don't care for him or his needs. Maybe you should look at your upbringing to understand where the roots to your behavior are, bc it sure sounds like you hat to apologize to your sister often for things she did. You are a people pleaser at the expense of your SON! Your sister let her son tuch things that A) don't belong to her or her son. Without knowledge of the owner. B) let her son destroy it, without consequences for her son. And C) through a fit because the victim in all this was upset. Really great parenting on your part you are in this and I don't know how many other occasions the enabler of fals behavior on your sisters part, and a victim blamer. First. You need to apologize to your son for not standing up for him. Second. You need to go to therapy to understand where your behavior is coming from. Third. You have to do better in the future, if not you can kiss your son goodbye at his 18th birthday forever. Wake up woman!!! Good luck UpdateMe
Your husband is right. YTA and so is your sister
Oh boy, are YTA. Your nephew DESTROYED your son's things, and you made your son apologize? WTAF? As an artist, this hurts my soul that you are so thoughtless and cruel to your son. And quite frankly, if I were Lucas, I would never want to go back to your sister's house. And Lucas is right. You DGAF about him or his art. You are wrong. Gabriel and your sister are wrong. I feel so sorry for your son. At least his father supports him.
YTA. >"Because you never care." Your son knew how you would react, and you didn't disappoint.