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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I decided to give my wife a family heirloom even when my sister didn't want me to.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I mean the reason is pretty clear. That necklace never would’ve gone to the sister in any way according to the tradition. The grandma is just following the tradition but skipping a generation. The sister is the one who wants to break the tradition if anything
Mom got skipped. It was supposed to go to OPs mom, but Grandma hated her. She gave it to the grandson to continue the tradition. It was never supposed to go to the sister.
Except it's a deeply sexist family tradition. It reduces women to the value of brood mares (but only for *male* babies).
OP's wife wouldn't have received it either if baby 5 (!!) had also been a girl. Because apparently daughters aren't worth "rewarding" with the necklace.
Edit: There is nothing "right" about what grandma did.
I wonder how OP's 4 daughters are going to feel when they see their mother's necklace go to their brother's wife for having a son.
Probably similarly as hurt as OP's sister.
It’s almost like you didn’t really read it. Op said the necklace goes to the DAUGHTER IN LAW AFTER THEY HAVE A SON SO THEIR FAMILY NAME LIVES ON. OP’s mom was skipped bc Grandma didn’t like her. So the next person would’ve naturally been OP’s wife. So sister probably only wanted it bc she didn’t want Op’s wife to have it or bc her mother was never offered it. Either way, it would’ve never been hers and the parents are probably on her side bc grandma didn’t give it to the mom. NTA
It could be argued that if sister didn't change her name and had the first male child of the generation to bare the family name then she's entitled to the necklace but from what's been stated the great-grandkids were born while Grandma still lived and the necklace was presumably passed down according to tradition probably with grandma's blessing before her death so it's not part of the inheritance, it was already passed to OP's wife.
Estate was given to OP and his sister, except sister only wants ONE THING - the necklace. He can have everything else. Instead he basically keeps everything except the necklace who he secretly gave to his wife without telling his sister.
Also, his wife is 17 years younger than him, and is the daughter of a nurse to his grandma. Now he says they met when she was in college, which is still pretty gross, but given that most of the numbers and ages OP wrote seem to be weird or inconsistent what are the odds he met her first earlier than that.
OP is TA here
Personally, I think that living sisters and daughters matter more than the wishes of a dead misogynist. And teaching OP's 4 daughters that they're as worthy of celebration as their infant brother matters more than some sexist tradition.
The necklace went to OP, not directly to his wife. He should have given it to his sister or to one of his own daughters when she grew up.
Are you that naive? People can be assholes all the time with inheritance and wills, and the necklace never was the grandmothers to begin with, it should have been OP's mums.
So grandmother already broke tradition, kept the necklace for herself, then the son got the entire estate and assets, and didn't give the one thing the sister wanted.
OP is the asshole.
You also have to remember the story we're getting is bias, and we're not seeing the other perspective, that's all we have to go off granted, but it's best to take OPs version of events with a grain of salt.
And according to the family tradition, sis never would’ve gotten it anyway and it would’ve gone from OP’s mom to his wife. The necklace ended up exactly where the heirloom tradition said it should, it just skipped the step of OP’s mom. NTA
NTA. It was your grandmother’s necklace, and she chose who she wanted it to go to. It might be a family heirloom, and I can see why your sister would be upset about that, but ultimately it isn’t her decision. She also didn’t make an effort to be closer with your grandmother, and though she might be regretting it now, a necklace she somehow feels entitled to isn’t going to make it better. She also went too far by calling your wife a whore. I feel like she needs to sort her emotions out, and none of this is your fault. Your grandmother’s wishes were met, end of story.
Complicated but NTA.
You kept the family tradition for what seems like century's, if what you say it true, and it sounds like the sister didn't say she wanted it until after grandma passed, at which point you had already had permission to give it to your wife, correct? Also, I am so sorry you parents treated you that way, and very sorry for the loss of your grandmother who obviously loved you and your sister a whole lot.
No grandma loved him and his wife and their children. When sister was 18 she left home and kicked rocks, making sure she did not engage with grandma on the regular like OP and his wife and kids. OP: NTA
Have your wonderful wife enjoy the heirloom. She deserves it!
People, including OP's sister, are allowed to move out of home as adults.
I wouldn't have wanted to live with a grandmother who thought only male babies (i.e. my brother, but not me) were worth celebrating, either.
Mate, she didn't "reject" her grandmother. She just moved out of home as an adult. She didn't visit as often as her SIL - but she wasn't NC with grandma.
Edit: I'd say she deserves an inheritance as compensation for having to endure her own grandmother's sexism.
I think you lost track of your own hypothetical. IF you left because of belief in a patriarchal family tradition, THEN you wouldn’t expect any particular inheritance, right?
Lmaooo do you even read what you say? Actual entitlement, her grandmother wasn't the one that decided you should be born, the ones that did that mistake left them to her. If anything she gave them the world just by keeping them till they were 18. Her leaving her at that age then expecting inheritance? Is actual b.s
The tradition is that each mother gives the necklace to her son's wife when she has a boy. He followed the family's tradition. Where does it say that grandma only thought boys were worth celebrating?
>Where does it say that grandma only thought boys were worth celebrating?
She literally wanted to reward OP's wife for having a boy. She didn't give his wife the necklace when the first daughter was born - or any of the other 3 daughters.
Who says she only celebrated male babies? Maybe she celebrated female babies another way. Doesn't mean she loves them any less.
When my brother was born almost fifty years ago, my paternal grandfather bought my mother a clock to celebrate the fact that his name would be carried on. Because back then, it was unthinkable for a woman to keep her name. When my sister and I were born, there wasn't a clock, but every year my grandmother gifted us handmade dresses on top of other birthday gifts. That's something my brother never got. I still have and cherish all of them. From today's perspective, this was extremely sexist, but back then, this was just how it was done. It's a good thing these customs have changed, but that does not mean we cannot still cherish and value our family history.
The irony of it all is that my brother never had children, my husband took my name and I am the only one to continue our family name, but that's something my grandfather could have never imagined. I am sure, had he lived long enough to see it, he would have been very amused. Maybe he would have bought me another clock, we'll never know. In any case, I would never want the clock that is intended for my brother, nor would I ever have given him or any family member my dresses. I am honestly baffled by the entitlement that people should be forced to give away something that's their's because we disagree with their values.
Tradition or not, the grandmother wanted this necklace to go to OP's wife. For whatever reason. It was hers to pass on and her wishes are to be respected, even if we don't agree with her reasoning. Maybe she was following the tradition, or maybe she just liked OP's wife better than her granddaughter. It does not matter.
Now that it belongs to OP's wife, it is on her to rethink the tradition and find another way of passing it on, which, in my opinion, she absolutely should. She would be TA if she continued this tradition in today's society. But as for OP, I'd definitely say NTA.
sounds like you revived the family tradition? If grandma had it and not hated her DIL (which sounds like she broke the tradition, not you) then your mom would have had it and given it to your wife when your son was born. You just corrected grandma's bad manners.
This. I wish more people would read what he actually wrote. Sister had one thing she wanted and said he could have literally everything else in the estate. OP takes everything and gives away the one thing she wants. He also is a creep with the age difference with his wife. Plus all the discrepancies other comments pointed out. Guarantee if we heard the sisters side it would be very different to OPs version. He's a huge AH.
Maybe you should try reading what he actually wrote. “she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children“. The sister inherited stuff. It sounds like she was willing to trade it for the necklace, but OP, who did inherit the necklace so he could give it to his wife and continue the tradition, chose to continue the tradition. The sister doesn’t get to decide who inherits what.
The necklace never would’ve been given to the sister according to the generational tradition. It’s for the daughter-in-laws, not daughters. Why should he give it to someone who name calls his wife and didn’t visit the grandma ever anyway?
Yea but usually wills are pretty clear on who gets what. It would be a really shit will if it was just “ok you guys can do whatever with it all.” I assume that since the executor of the will gave him the necklace, he was the intended recipient of it
>Yea but usually wills are pretty clear on who gets what. It would be a really shit will if it was just “ok you guys can do whatever with it all.”
Not really. It's extremely common for a will to direct that the estate be divided equally among the heirs, without getting into specifics.
>I assume that since the executor of the will gave him the necklace, he was the intended recipient of it
We don't know who the executor is, whether probate has closed, or anything like that. What we do know is that OP's sister still had an expectation of receiving the necklace, and that OP knew that and discreetly/secretly gave it to his wife anyway.
Well, she was surprised and angry, so I think she did expect to receive it. We also know that OP gave it to his wife without disputing his sister's claim, without informing her, and almost certainly by unilaterally removing it from the estate before probate closed. If the the estate had been settled and OP had been the clear owner of the ring, his sister would have been angry sooner.
If you read the post, the grandma left the necklace *for his wife*. It doesn't matter if the sister only wanted one thing. The necklace wasn't something for his sister.
That's irrelevant. OP and sister had equal legal rights to those jewels and sister gave everything up to OP on the condition that she gets the necklace.
So OP got everything + took the necklace his sister wanted. In that case he either needs to give her what she wants or expect sister to take him to court to sort it out. He can't keep everything and make the decision on his own when he isn't the only heir.
If grandma was so pressed about her not visiting, why’d she put her in the will? If grandma only wanted op to get necklace, why didn’t she put that in the will? Op is a HUGE ah who couldn’t even be brave enough to tell his sister to her face that she couldn’t have the necklace. Instead he goes behind her back and gives it to his wife. She had to find out by seeing it on the wife’s neck. How is that not an AH move? Least he could’ve done is explain he wanted to follow the sexist tradition and give it to his wife since she finally had a son.
hm yea fair enough. my judgement is still out based on who exactly the will said the necklace was for, and whether the grandma ever directly said who she wanted it to go to.
>But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did.
I think OP is pretty clear that his grandmother wanted his wife to have the necklace.
Also am I reading this wrong or did the OP marry his grandmother's adoptive daughter (the grandmother who was essentially also his mother), what?? This is some deep rich people shit
OP said his grandmother "adopted" his wife as a grandchild. That's not how legal adoption works; he just means she considered his wife another grandchild.
Apparently, the grandmother had a nurse who took care of her, and OP married that nurse's daughter.
Somewhere says at one point that the wifey is the daughter of a nurse who took care of the grandparents and was adopted… I honestly got lost.
But I got this bit about the sister only wanting the necklace and the brother just goes behind her back without a heads up.
ESH - including narrative skills.
Where does it say he kept everything? Sister was willing to let him have everything else in exchange for the necklace, but it doesn’t say he ever agreed to that. He can’t give his ”sister her necklace back” because it was never hers.
Really misogynistic tradition, for the record. Ew.
Whatever, if they wanted your sister to have it they would have given it to her. But on the other hand it’s absolute bullshit that she’s “not worthy” because she doesn’t “carry on” the family name or whatever.
In the year of Lady Gaga 2024. Insane.
Everyone is an AH here for upholding that crap. Jfc what kind of message does that give your daughters? “Sorry, honey, you’re less valuable since you’ll change your name one day.” For the record, many married women don’t, and last names don’t always comes from dads. Also, what if any of the kids are gay? Jesus I don’t have the time or energy to explain how monumentally stupid the tradition is.
Anyway.
Traditions do not materialize out of thin air. They are made by actual people. Many traditions are extremely stupid and outdated and get rightfully terminated when deemed no longer appropriate or necessary. Makes me think about that scene from the movie *Coming To America*:
Queen: *"I think it's a stupid tradition."*
King: *"Who am I to change it?"*
Queen: *"I thought you were the king."*
Sure, but the choice to break or uphold the tradition was still the grandmother’s to make. And by the sounds of it, she wanted the tradition to continue. Maybe for the sake of it, maybe just because OPs wife acted like a better granddaughter than his sister ever did. Whatever the reason, it was never the sister’s necklace to decide what to do with. And now the next person who gets to make the choice of whether to continue the tradition is OPs wife
Well, it was still her decision to make. In practice, all that happened was that the tradition skipped a generation, but even if that hadn’t been the case, it was still the grandmother’s necklace to do with as she wished
And when grandma died it passed to OP. Who should have either given it to his sister or kept it for one of his own daughters when she reached adulthood.
From the sounds of it, Grandma gave it to OP for his wife, before she passed, meaning it was not still part of the estate, it was already removed from the pool.
Actually, after grandma passed it was OP's choice to make and he could have broken or changed the tradition (e.g. by giving it to their oldest daughter).
That’s now how inheritance works. When the grandmother dies, her possessions pass to whomever *she* wants them to pass to. And according to the information we have, she had clearly indicated that the necklace should go to her granddaughter-in-law
Actually, no. Once she passes and the estate is probated and assets are distributed, the property then belongs to whomever she left it to. They can do with it what they will, including giving it to someone else. There is no legal or supernatural force that would prevent someone from giving away a necklace they inherited.
That’s not what I said. I said the grandmother can give it to whomever she wishes as part of her will. And if she has indicated, even if just verbally, that the necklace should go to OPs wife, then that is legally what should happen. Might be hard to prove unless written down, but that’s besides the point
>if she has indicated, even if just verbally, that the necklace should go to OPs wife, then that is legally what should happen.
I don't think there's a jurisdiction in the world where an unsubstantiated claim about a verbally expressed wish supersedes a will.
Except she only wanted her granddaughter-in-law to get the necklace if baby 5 was a boy. It didn't go directly to her, it went to OP.
>I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born
OP would still have it if the new baby was another girl.
I mean, grams dead. She has no say in a tradition at this point, specifically one she broke herself. The only reason the Op is following it is because it benefits them.
I can’t imagine my sibling asking for only one part of an inheritance, and denying them to give my wife a necklace. One that already hasn’t followed the tradition for centuries.
The tradition just skipped a single generation, not centuries, and it ended up with the same person who would have held it had the tradition been upheld in the first place
Whilst I agree with all this in theory, Grandma was the one in possession of the necklace, and she didn't say that. She decided who to pass it to.
It's possible OP's wife might be the one to say it. But until now, she hasn't had that right. She could voice her opinion, but she didn't get to make the choice.
He *did* break the tradition, in the most self-serving way, because at the time of his grandmother's death his mother was the traditional custodian of the ring, and had been for half a century. OP had, according to the tradition, no more right to it than his sister had.
Which is such a weird thing that people who keep insisting "it's a family tradition!!" keep not addressing. Like, traditions can end at any time, and people are not obligated to uphold the wishes of dead folks. They certainly can if they want, but they're not obligated to. OP made his choice and asked for judgement. He's getting it.
But grandma didn’t give it to her. He did. After grandma died and left everything to both siblings. Grandma didn’t say in the will that the necklace was his alone.
You forgot that op couldn’t even be bothered to tell his sister no. He just went behind her back and gave away the only heirloom she wanted. The fact that he says grandma died “a few months ago” yet his son is only 2 months tells me he knew sister wanted it and he STILL gave it to his wife all while not bothering to tell her. She had to find out when she saw this around the wife’s neck. The same wife that she feels as if grandma loved more than her. Yeah I’d be pretty hurt too and probably say some regrettable things in the heat of the moment.
while you would be right about sticking with this tradition for the sake of tradition being shitty, that is not what happened.
grandma didn't give it to her own son's wife, tradition broken, grandma instead arranged for it to go to a woman related by marriage who helped her in her old age, having OP hold it till they have a son is a nod to the old tradition, but I think primarily been directed to somebody grandma loved, respected and was helped by.
I would hope that OP's sister also got both sentimental mementos and a fair portion of assets but unless this necklace was a significant portion of the estate, I say it was reasonable to give it where it went.
What’s hilarious is that, follow tradition or don’t follow tradition, OP’s wife gets the necklace.
The only way the sister gets it would be if grandmother follows tradition, gives it to the mother, and the mother breaks tradition by giving it to her daughter
>grandma instead arranged for it to go to a woman related by marriage who helped her in her old age,
Except she didn't. She didn't give the ring to OP or his wife, or leave it to either of them in her will. OP took it upon himself to remove it from the estate because he wanted it for his wife.
Just because she didn't explicitly write it down doesn't remove the fact that OP knew that she wanted the necklace to go to OP's wife. Idk why people act as though it's okay to ignore people's spoken desires just because they didn't write it down.
Ooof, thank you. OP is NTA for the purpose of this post, of course. I also believe this sort of tradition sucks and should die. Two things can be true at once.
YTA your sister wanted only one thing from the entire estate, your grandmothers necklace. You instead gave it to your wife. Either give her the necklace or an entire half of everything else. You dont get to have everything
It was the grandmother’s to give and she said who she wanted to give it to, it doesn’t matter what the sister wanted. She still got inheritance, she wanted the necklace on top of that.
YTA You deliberately hid the necklace from your sister.
You can’t say that you were just following tradition as your grandmother messed that up when she failed to give the necklace to your mother.
Did your sister get anything or are you hoarding the whole lot?
True. All of this. He is trying so hard to villainize the sister.
And the wife part. Seems like an incest to me. Even it's not blood but you still grew up as family so.
Edit- He gave a edit. But I still find this so creepy situation. Running behind a young college student in your 40s. Ew.
Nope!
They did NOT grow up together, OP says he met his wife when she was in college- she came into his life because her mom was grandma’s nurse. Which makes it pretty easy to understand that OP didn’t mean that his grandma literally adopted her, she still had a mother who was very much alive. It means OP’s wife & grandma already had a close relationship before his marriage. Grandma loved OP’s wife, and wanted her to have the necklace.
YTA. The only thing your sister wanted was the necklace, a family heirloom. Your sister is entitled to it, not your wife. If your grandmother wanted your wife to have it, she would have left it specifically to your wife. She didn't. Same is true that she didn't specify it go to your sister, but by your own admission, it's a family heirloom. It belongs to your sister, not your wife. I'm guessing you kept 100 percent of the estate as well.
Complicated
Did your grandmother leave other jewelry and items you'll keep? Because if that's the only thing sis wanted out of a bunch of other stuff, and it belonged in her dad's family for years, then maybe ....
After all, this jewelry did NOT come from your grandmother's side -- she just married into the family, that's the only reason she possessed it. And it was SUPPOSED to go to your mom, but it didn't because she kept it. And your mom wants sis to have it.
The biggest irritant here is the sexism about the son carrying the family name. At one time it was understandable because the culture was that way. Now it's not.
Do you want it to go to your wife for sexist reasons? To carry on a sexist tradition that the wife should be rewarded for having a boy? Than YTA.
I wonder if that is what this is really about. And the rest is smoke and mirrors to justify it.
An adult's leaving home, marrying and having children and her own life is not "ditching grandma," and if the necklace were to go to the woman who took care of grandma, that would be OP's mother-in-law.
OP is decidedly vague on the matter but it sounds like his wife was around the grandmother because she was the daughter of the grandmother’s nurse. She stuck around because she and her mom were being paid to do so!
You don't usually pay the relatives of a nurse, do you? Besides, OP's wife *married* him. I'd say spending time with your, essentially, MIL is more common than spending time with the boss of your parent, because you are being paid to by proxy and marrying said boss's grandson just to...what exactly is your theory here?
What. In my family we have a necklace that passes from Bonnie to Bonnie. My grandma got it from hers, who got it from her mom. My grandma, literally the day before she died, gave it to my cousin. Guess why? BECAUSE SHE'S NAMED BONNIE. Should I have been mad I didn't get it because I'm not named Bonnie? Of course not, because it's tradition. One of my other aunts tried getting mad about it after grandma died and the family laughed at her. It has nothing to do with who deserves what, it has something to do with a little tradition. My grandma gave me her painting supplies, because she taught me to paint. Is that also unfair, that I got it because my other cousins didn't want to paint? Your comment makes no sense.
Except the tradition in this case isn’t actually important because the grandmother already broke it by not giving it to OP’s mother. So it’s only an extremely important and time honored tradition when the family feels like it. I also hate gender- based inheritance rules specifically, your family’s tradition at least isn’t that the girls lose out automatically.
A lot times families have traditions when you pass down jewellery to the eldest daughter. It’s not fair but it happens a lot. Honestly if the tradition is giving someone a necklace and not physically harming someone they can keep it. The sister probably got other stuff but wanted specifically that one necklace that is passed from daughter in law to daughter in law.
Right. I mean my family has a tradition around our jewelry. Our jewelry is passed through only the women born into the family. That way, when they marry, they have something they can sell if things go south. Some of the pieces have seen five different family lines and one day my jewelry will make its way to the next generation.
My future SIL knows this. She knows my mother’s jewelry will come to me and my future nieces, and my jewelry will pass to my nieces. She’s not pitching fit because she’s not getting anything. She’s not name calling because she’s not part of the tradition. Yes some traditions can burn but why are we attacking ones where no one is getting hurt? My brother didn’t get mad when I received my grandmothers gold and diamonds.
Your tradition =/= this tradition. If OPs 5th child was a girl the wife would’ve not been eligible for the necklace, as the tradition values sons having children over the daughters having children and then those kids being boys.
Also, most people don’t pitch a tent over not being passed down jewelry from a family they’re marrying into. They’re fully aware passing down family heirlooms is generally for those born into the family.
Passing down jewelry to an oldest daughter is not the same as passing down jewelry to the first daughter in law that gives birth to a son.
Also, there’s no point referencing tradition because the grandmother ended it already. Once she decided to no longer give it to OPs mom no one can then use tradition on why someone deserves it.
Funnily enough, my family has a tradition where we pass on a china hutch to the youngest daughter, my mother was the oldest so she doesn’t get to participate in that particular tradition, though she’s only miffed because her younger sister sold it when they moved house and never asked mom if she wanted it (aunt just wanted the money), though the other hitch goes to my sister (she’s only a minute younger lol 😂)
If OP wants us to believe he cares about the tradition, it was wrong and a violation of the tradition for both the grandmother and OP to withhold it from OP's mother. The tradition is that it passes to the first daughter-in-law to bear a son and she passes it to her first daughter-in-law who bears a son. The tradition is not that the first son to father a son seizes it and gives it to his wife.
>a few months ago she died and she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace
INFO: Are you the executor of your grandmother's estate? Did your grandmother specify how the estate was to be divided? Has your sister received anything from your grandmother's estate? *Will* she receive anything from the estate?
Depending on the answers, I think you might be on shaky legal ground as well as moral ground.
It was your grandmother's necklace, by whatever operation of family tradition she obtained it, and strictly speaking, she could do whatever she liked with it.
However, it doesn't seem that she gave it to you or your wife. She apparently maintained ownership of it until her death, at which time it became part of the estate, the distribution of which is governed by the terms of the will. You don't say whether the estate has closed or probate is still ongoing, or how ownership of the necklace was settled during probate, if it was. But the fact that your sister didn't know that you had ended up with ownership of the necklace makes me think that your actions were pretty shifty.
Further, you knew you were being shifty, because you gave it to your wife without telling your sister, while still allowing your sister to think she was going to get the necklace.
Your appeal to family tradition is also bullshit. Your grandmother didn't care about the family tradition. She broke the family tradition 51 years ago when she declined, out of spite, to give the necklace to your mother.
You broke the family tradition again when your grandmother died and you held on to the necklace in the hope that the fifth child you've fathered on this young woman in eight years would be a son, giving you a pretext for taking the necklace.
If it were really about the family tradition, the necklace should have gone to your mother after your grandmother died, restoring the chain of custody that was consistent with the tradition.
There's no indication that your mother would be obligated by the tradition to give the necklace to your wife *immediately* after the birth of your son, who wasn't born before your grandmother's death, anyway.
Either way, you seem to acknowledge the right of the owner of the necklace to disregard the tradition, since you and your grandmother both did exactly that. The tradition is irrelevant, since neither you nor your grandmother chose to respect it. Pretending that you're honoring the tradition by breaking it shows that you're a dishonest person and an unreliable narrator. There's no doubt at all that there's more to this situation than you're telling us.
Frankly, your entire family sounds exhausting — your grandmother, your parents, you, and your sister all sound pretty insufferable.
But based on the information you've given, I'm going to go against the grain and say YTA, because your plotting to get the necklace into the hands of your young wife was dishonest, and it was done in the dark because you knew it was dishonest.
EDIT: Typo.
Edited to change N T A to YTA because I read it again and saw that you kept everything. I know there are always two sides to every story but I would LOVE to hear your sister's version of events on this one.
To get this necklace you have to marry into a man's family and give them all a boy baby. Get me a bucket. I'm not on the sisters side in this but you can see why she would be so pissed off. She was never in the running because Grandma was toeing the patriarchal line. If you're a girl, you're worth less.
INFO:
Did the will specify who was to receive the necklace? Or was everything left to all of y’all as a whole and then you had to agree how to divide it up amongst yourselves? Was the necklace given before the division of assets was finalized? How did your sister not know where the necklace was if your grandmother died several months ago but your son was only born two months ago- were you hiding the necklace “just in case”? Did your grandmother ever explicitly tell you or put into writing that she wanted you to have the necklace or was that just supposition?
It all comes down to who truly owns the necklace, and your wording of the way the inheritance worked broke down / who owned the necklace is very unclear.
Hopefully. The 'wife' will realise she was groomed by a much older man and only rewarded for her fifth child (on account of the penis) and her 'husband' didn't give a shit about her four beautiful daughters. The 'wife' runs away with the children under cover of darkness, changes her name and starts an animal sanctuary somewhere. Her last act before leaving is to post the necklace to the 'sister', along with a big wodge of cash she liberated from her 'husband' to make up for him keeping all the 'granmother's' assets.
Your grandma left half of everything for each of you, including the necklace. The tradition ended with your mother; it’s no longer tradition. Your sister deserves 50% of everything, so you need to get that necklace appraised and give her 50% of the value. You're implying that your sister is less of a granddaughter because she left after graduation, which tells us a lot about you.
Damn she wanted one goddamn thing and you couldnt let her have it. Just in case you didn’t know, shes a part of your family bloodline too. Absolutely diabolical. And from the age at which you met your child bride and the age at which you married her... YTA
I'm confused. Did Grandma give you the necklace either in her will or while alive? If not, who decided you would inherit it? If 200 yrs old it could have to go through probate. Re-read your post. Sort of sounds like you took / inherited everything and sis got nothing. Is that fair?
YTA. That necklace was the only thing your sister wanted and you;re not prepared to let her have it. You say your sister didn't visit much after she moved away but sureley that's exactly because she moved away.
If the will is unclear, and there is a dispute over the estate, then one of the potential beneficiaries ethically cannot make one-sided decisions.
YTA for apparently appointing yourself to divide up the estate despite the dispute and not being honest as the effective executor of the estate.
I do not see any evidence that grandmother intended for the necklace to go to any particular person. Given the vagueness of 'everything to you and the sister and the kids' that means, in my book, that all the adults named there have an equal right to decide. Why should *your* decision on any part of the estate trump hers? And if the will or the law in your jurisdiction does say you have the sole right to divide up the estate, then it was certainly still unethical of you to hide this fact instead of acting openly and being as impartial as you can (it would be impossible IMO due to the conflict of interest). I also note that you haven't responded to any of the comments asking more about the terms of the will or what your sister got, which is also relevant.
Ethics and evidence are conflicting terms. He has no legal obligation to give his sister anything. Truthfully If it was in his possession and no one made a point to collect it after all this time then the claim gets weaker and weaker. Ethics can go fly a kite because you don’t know his grandmother or what she would have wanted so his word is all you have to believe.
YTA
Tradition or what would your grandma have done is irrelevant.
Your sister is legal heir as well, she made the decision to give you everything if you give her the necklace.
You can't just take everything and the necklace. That means your sister got nothing at all.
You also can't unanimously decide who gets what jewels. She could sue you over the will and I hope she's smart enough to do it.
My great-grandmother told me that after my great-grandfather died, one of his nephews told her, "Uncle always wanted me to have his pearl-handled razor." She said, "Well, he didn't want you to have it very bad, because he gave it to somebody else before he died."
If it were important to grandma for OP's wife to get the necklace, she'd have made the arrangements.
Frankly, OP's story smells like elder manipulation to me.
INFO was the inheritance from your grandmother divided up in any way? Your post says it was left to multiple people. Were there any specifics?
If the necklace is supposed to be left to your sister then YTA.
If not, if there were no specifics. How did you determine the distribution of the estate?
Depending on dollar value fairness or emotional fairness you could be TA or Not.
I don't like your sister in the story. Obviously she didn't want the tradition to continue and she sounds like a spiteful person. However, clearly you are grandma's favorite. Are you the Executor of the estate?
This feels underhanded considering that the heirloom might have real emotional meaning for your sister. I'm going to stick with YTA without additional information.
Unpopular but YTA. Your grandmother didn’t just leave everything to you and your family but also to your sister. The ONLY thing she wanted was the necklace and you couldn’t give her the one item? It sounds like grandma died before son was born since it was a “few months” vs “two months”. If grandma had left everything to you, then I could understand. You couldn’t even be bothered to tell your sister to her face that you’d rather your wife have it than her. Instead you let her find out by having to see it on your wife. Yeah your sister was wrong for her reaction but I honestly don’t blame her from just hearing your side. What did you do when sister said she wanted it? Ignore her? Tell her it was lost? Cause clearly you didn’t tell the truth. Fr imagine you’re her and all you want is ONE item to remember your dead grandma and your brother not only gave it to his wife instead of you but he also didn’t even have the courage to tell you to your face. Add in that grandma picked your wife over her and yeah I bet she does have a LOT of anger over this situation.
YTA. Drama aside, when your grandmother died all her stuff became her estate. You had no right to give anything to anyone and could be sued for it. Your sister wanted one thing which as it should have went to your mother if she hadnt been excommunicated, should have went to your sister instead. It wasn't yours to give and I hope your sister sues you for it. Also sad to hear you have 4 kids you will raise to be as selfish as you.
INFO:
>she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace that belonged to my father's family for almost two centuries.
- Did your grandma leave it to you or your wife specifically or did you decide to give it to her from what was supposed to be a shared inheritance when everyone else had a claim?
- Did the sister actually get ANYTHING? The way this is worded, your sister was supposed to get a cut of the inheritance and she only wanted the necklace and then didn't get that either.
- Why did your sister have to find out the only thing she wanted from her dead grandmother was on your wife's neck?
So, YTA for insulting the people reading your tirade who have questions about the story because you left out critical details which made it confusing. So there's that.
Secondly, screw the tradition and shaming your sister. Your sister deserves the necklace.
Your sister should absolutely have that necklace. You have come here for judgment so that's what I'm doing. The tradition of giving to the daughter in-law when a son is born to carry on a family name is outdated and disgusting. YTA and so is this tradition. Its time to change this. Be a force for positive change. To me this tradition says only MALE CHILDREN ARE VALUED. YTA. Please do the right thing.
This is a fair question! I don't think OP is an asshole for giving the necklace to his wife instead of his sister, but I can’t tell whether or not he’s an asshole just in general.
YTA, your sister only wanted one piece under the condition that you get everything else. Your grandma already broke the tradition. And your sister got raised by Grandma, not your wife. But you gave away the only piece she wanted, that's unfair and fucked up, you betrayed your sister
Well it sounds like if your grandmother had followed family tradition it would have gone to your mother when you were born and then your mother would have given it to your wife when your son was born. If your wife intends to give it to your son’s wife at the birth of a boy child then NTA. If she plans to break that tradition then there is no reason your wife should have it if it’s the only thing your sister wants from the estate.
She (wife) hadn’t popped a son yet I think
She could have had it held in trust for the wife if she bore a son and someone else if she did not I guess, but seems like she trusted OP to carry out her wishes
INFO
" "a whore." She always hated my wife because she didn't agree with our grandmother adopting the daughter of the nurse who took care of her as another granddaughter. "
I can not follow this at all. Can you explain the relationship between your family and your wife? Is she your adopted cousin?
INFO
(A) when you say the estate was given to the three of you and your children but your sister only wanted the necklace, that implies she was bequeathed something other than the necklace. Did she still get that or did you allow her to relinquish what she was to receive and still not give her the necklace?
(B) if it’s not too personal I would like to know in roughly what proportions the estate was divided and what proportion the necklace represents. I feel like it makes a difference if you already got the lions share pursuant to old school tradition and then still kept the necklace in your nuclear family. Doesn’t necessarily make you the asshole but it is relevant.
(C) Did your sister give a reason as to why she particularly wanted the necklace other than she did not want to see it go to your wife?
Without knowing these things I’m not going to say you are AH but if possible I think you should try not to judge her too harshly and perhaps let her have some of the estate. It sounds like she bears resentment to your wife for usurping her place and possibly taking part of her inheritance. Maybe that’s unfair, maybe your wife or her mother were there for your grandma and she was not, but these things are hard to judge, maybe she felt and resented favouritism on your grandmas part and maybe there was (my grandma also favoured me somewhat as the son, it was part of their culture). It probably hits different than it did to my sister since she was like your de facto mother.
Mom and dad lost any rights to opinion when they handed off their kids.
Grandma raised you both. Sister grew up and stepped away from the woman who raised her and you didn't.
You and your wife cared for Grandma as she deserved to the end, now all these people who didn't care about family are mad about an item that has family significance...
Even if sister wanted a keepsake, calling your wife a whore was not the way to het it.
NTA
Grandma didn't care about the tradition. If she did she would have passed the necklace to either your mom or your wife, long ago.
Your sister only asked for one, 1, ONE thing. And you are so greedy that you wouldn't even give that to her.
YTA.
Also the age gap between you and wifey... you are not just a greedy asshole. you are also a creep
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My (51m) parents (75m 74f) are workaholics, and addicted to money. They loved their jobs more than their children, that's why they sent me and my sister to live with our grandmother when we were 6 and 8. My sister (49f) moved out when she turned 18 and I continued living with my grandmother until I graduated from college at 25 because I enjoyed living with her and I also wanted to take care of her when she got sick.
The thing is that a few months ago she died and she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace that belonged to my father's family for almost two centuries. My ancestors always gave those necklaces to their daughters-in-law when they gave birth to their first male child as a form of celebration because the family name would continue for at least one more generation. But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did.
I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister, and when she saw my wife wearing it she lost her mind. She accused me of being greedy and selfish and also accused me of having stolen such a precious family jewel to give it to "a whore." She always hated my wife because she didn't agree with our grandmother adopting the daughter of the nurse who took care of her as another granddaughter. According to her, it was unfair that she loved my wife more than her, but my grandmother loved her because my wife was always there for her. My sister, on the other hand, rarely visited her after moving and when her children were born she never taught them our grandmother's language so they could communicate, and that hurt our her because she loved communicating with my children, who do know her language.
Long story short, I don't think I did anything wrong by giving that jewel to my wife, but suddenly my sister and even my parents believe that I should return that jewel because it is something that my sister wants to keep as a memory of her grandmother but I don't care, AITA?
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I think NTA for the necklace thing?
But how long have you known your wife for? bc you had your first child with her when she was 26 and you were 43. When did you start dating? Have you known her since she was under-age?
Also did your grandmother adopt your wife or your wife's mother? And if she officially adopted your wife does that mean you're married to your adoptive sister???
There's a lot going on here & I have a sneaking suspicion you might be a major AH for reasons other than the necklace.
So… did I read this correctly? Your wife was the daughter of your grandmothers nurse? And your grandmother adopted her? So, your wife, who is 17 years younger than you, is technically your cousin?
NTA - but this is a bizarre family dynamic.
It wasn't a formal adoption. It's more a family friend being called auntie or uncle type thing. I used to have a few non related grandparents this way.
What a weird tradition ... the people who marry into the family give each other jewels as a reward for perpetuating the 'adoptive' family? "Neither of us amounted to anything until we popped out an heir, but now we're family"? That's some weird Scion worship there.
NTA.
"But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did.
I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister, and when she saw my wife wearing it she lost her mind"
*I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister* - people seem to be under the impression he stole it from the inheritance, are you all illiterate? If it was given to him by the grandmother prior to her passing and he gave it to his wife, then the sister has absolutely no rights.
ESH.
Way to decide to keep a deeply misogynistic tradition going.
Looks like you've never considered the Why of your grandmother's treatment of her own daughter (aka your Mother) and perhaps there was a reason your parents had to focus on work \*while making sure you were safe in a loving home\*.
I've seen that pattern/situation many times..
But yeah. You don't care, as you say.
I hope this is fake. Even if you didn't meet your wife when she was a child, it's still very creepy that you apparently started dating a college-aged woman (whose mother was a family employee, if I'm reading that right) as an almost forty-year-old man. Was it her decision or yours to keep having kids until you finally got a boy? And did your sister receive anything as an inheritance? Frankly if I were her I wouldn't want the gross misogynistic necklace that you hid from her, but it's unclear what specifically she was meant to inherit and if you cut her out entirely. Depends on what the will actually said, but I'm leaning YTA.
So your grandmother left everything to you and your sister but the only thing your sister wanted was that necklace. You gave the necklace to your wife based on a tradition that had already been broken when your grandmother refused to give it to your mother. You did this on your own without even talking to your sister about it.
If your grandmother gave it to you prior to her death or specifically named you as the recipient in her will then you can do whatever you want with it, but if she didn't then you don't have any claim on it before the estate is settled, especially if it's valuable.
If it's the latter and you took it upon yourself to claim this necklace and give it to your wife without talking to your sister who is also an heir then you are the asshole.
NTA. I wonder why your sister fixated on the one family heirloom that by tradition could never be hers? It sounds like a case of wanting what she couldn't have. Or maybe it's just a really nice necklace. Either way, your grandmother made her wishes clear, case closed. I wonder though if your mother is egging your sister on because she didn't get the necklace when you were born?
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I mean the reason is pretty clear. That necklace never would’ve gone to the sister in any way according to the tradition. The grandma is just following the tradition but skipping a generation. The sister is the one who wants to break the tradition if anything
Mom got skipped. It was supposed to go to OPs mom, but Grandma hated her. She gave it to the grandson to continue the tradition. It was never supposed to go to the sister.
And OP's mom would've given it to her son's wife anyway, the same way OP did.
By the sounds of it, OPs mom would have given it to the sister and broken tradition anyway.
Then grandma made the right choice to follow their family tradition!
Except it's a deeply sexist family tradition. It reduces women to the value of brood mares (but only for *male* babies). OP's wife wouldn't have received it either if baby 5 (!!) had also been a girl. Because apparently daughters aren't worth "rewarding" with the necklace. Edit: There is nothing "right" about what grandma did.
I don't disagree that it's sexist and patriarchal in nature, but that has no bearing on whether or not OP is an AH.
Sounds like a pretty weak tradition. Firstly grandma didn't follow it then when it was followed half the family thought it was a bad idea.
I wonder how OP's 4 daughters are going to feel when they see their mother's necklace go to their brother's wife for having a son. Probably similarly as hurt as OP's sister.
Except that it was Grandma who initially broke the tradition. It was supposed to go to op's mother but Grandma 'didn't like her'.
OP's Grandmother broke the tradition first anyway, so I guess after that anything goes.
Or pawned it as soon as she got her hands on it (no point in keeping it, tradition is already compromised 🤷🏻♂️)
It’s almost like you didn’t really read it. Op said the necklace goes to the DAUGHTER IN LAW AFTER THEY HAVE A SON SO THEIR FAMILY NAME LIVES ON. OP’s mom was skipped bc Grandma didn’t like her. So the next person would’ve naturally been OP’s wife. So sister probably only wanted it bc she didn’t want Op’s wife to have it or bc her mother was never offered it. Either way, it would’ve never been hers and the parents are probably on her side bc grandma didn’t give it to the mom. NTA
It could be argued that if sister didn't change her name and had the first male child of the generation to bare the family name then she's entitled to the necklace but from what's been stated the great-grandkids were born while Grandma still lived and the necklace was presumably passed down according to tradition probably with grandma's blessing before her death so it's not part of the inheritance, it was already passed to OP's wife.
OP's grandma stopped the tradition so the "it's tradition" argument is moot.
Estate was given to OP and his sister, except sister only wants ONE THING - the necklace. He can have everything else. Instead he basically keeps everything except the necklace who he secretly gave to his wife without telling his sister. Also, his wife is 17 years younger than him, and is the daughter of a nurse to his grandma. Now he says they met when she was in college, which is still pretty gross, but given that most of the numbers and ages OP wrote seem to be weird or inconsistent what are the odds he met her first earlier than that. OP is TA here
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Personally, I think that living sisters and daughters matter more than the wishes of a dead misogynist. And teaching OP's 4 daughters that they're as worthy of celebration as their infant brother matters more than some sexist tradition. The necklace went to OP, not directly to his wife. He should have given it to his sister or to one of his own daughters when she grew up.
Are you that naive? People can be assholes all the time with inheritance and wills, and the necklace never was the grandmothers to begin with, it should have been OP's mums. So grandmother already broke tradition, kept the necklace for herself, then the son got the entire estate and assets, and didn't give the one thing the sister wanted. OP is the asshole. You also have to remember the story we're getting is bias, and we're not seeing the other perspective, that's all we have to go off granted, but it's best to take OPs version of events with a grain of salt.
Yes i agree. The OP has ruined his relationship with his sister now.
Agreed. OP is TA here. He knows what he did. Crappy behavior. And so self righteous.
And according to the family tradition, sis never would’ve gotten it anyway and it would’ve gone from OP’s mom to his wife. The necklace ended up exactly where the heirloom tradition said it should, it just skipped the step of OP’s mom. NTA
NTA. It was your grandmother’s necklace, and she chose who she wanted it to go to. It might be a family heirloom, and I can see why your sister would be upset about that, but ultimately it isn’t her decision. She also didn’t make an effort to be closer with your grandmother, and though she might be regretting it now, a necklace she somehow feels entitled to isn’t going to make it better. She also went too far by calling your wife a whore. I feel like she needs to sort her emotions out, and none of this is your fault. Your grandmother’s wishes were met, end of story.
Complicated but NTA. You kept the family tradition for what seems like century's, if what you say it true, and it sounds like the sister didn't say she wanted it until after grandma passed, at which point you had already had permission to give it to your wife, correct? Also, I am so sorry you parents treated you that way, and very sorry for the loss of your grandmother who obviously loved you and your sister a whole lot.
No grandma loved him and his wife and their children. When sister was 18 she left home and kicked rocks, making sure she did not engage with grandma on the regular like OP and his wife and kids. OP: NTA Have your wonderful wife enjoy the heirloom. She deserves it!
People, including OP's sister, are allowed to move out of home as adults. I wouldn't have wanted to live with a grandmother who thought only male babies (i.e. my brother, but not me) were worth celebrating, either.
But then having rejected her for her patriarchal views you also wouldn’t expect an inheritance right
Mate, she didn't "reject" her grandmother. She just moved out of home as an adult. She didn't visit as often as her SIL - but she wasn't NC with grandma. Edit: I'd say she deserves an inheritance as compensation for having to endure her own grandmother's sexism.
She did get part of the inheritance tho, it says it in the post
I was replying to someone who said she shouldn't have expected an inheritance.
I see, my bad.
Yes now beg for forgiveness BEG!
I think you lost track of your own hypothetical. IF you left because of belief in a patriarchal family tradition, THEN you wouldn’t expect any particular inheritance, right?
Well you certainly wouldn’t expect to inherit the very symbol of that patriarchy! lol NTA OP
Lmaooo do you even read what you say? Actual entitlement, her grandmother wasn't the one that decided you should be born, the ones that did that mistake left them to her. If anything she gave them the world just by keeping them till they were 18. Her leaving her at that age then expecting inheritance? Is actual b.s
The tradition is that each mother gives the necklace to her son's wife when she has a boy. He followed the family's tradition. Where does it say that grandma only thought boys were worth celebrating?
>Where does it say that grandma only thought boys were worth celebrating? She literally wanted to reward OP's wife for having a boy. She didn't give his wife the necklace when the first daughter was born - or any of the other 3 daughters.
Grandma broke the tradition when she didn’t give it to her sons wife to begin with.
Who says she only celebrated male babies? Maybe she celebrated female babies another way. Doesn't mean she loves them any less. When my brother was born almost fifty years ago, my paternal grandfather bought my mother a clock to celebrate the fact that his name would be carried on. Because back then, it was unthinkable for a woman to keep her name. When my sister and I were born, there wasn't a clock, but every year my grandmother gifted us handmade dresses on top of other birthday gifts. That's something my brother never got. I still have and cherish all of them. From today's perspective, this was extremely sexist, but back then, this was just how it was done. It's a good thing these customs have changed, but that does not mean we cannot still cherish and value our family history. The irony of it all is that my brother never had children, my husband took my name and I am the only one to continue our family name, but that's something my grandfather could have never imagined. I am sure, had he lived long enough to see it, he would have been very amused. Maybe he would have bought me another clock, we'll never know. In any case, I would never want the clock that is intended for my brother, nor would I ever have given him or any family member my dresses. I am honestly baffled by the entitlement that people should be forced to give away something that's their's because we disagree with their values. Tradition or not, the grandmother wanted this necklace to go to OP's wife. For whatever reason. It was hers to pass on and her wishes are to be respected, even if we don't agree with her reasoning. Maybe she was following the tradition, or maybe she just liked OP's wife better than her granddaughter. It does not matter. Now that it belongs to OP's wife, it is on her to rethink the tradition and find another way of passing it on, which, in my opinion, she absolutely should. She would be TA if she continued this tradition in today's society. But as for OP, I'd definitely say NTA.
sounds like you revived the family tradition? If grandma had it and not hated her DIL (which sounds like she broke the tradition, not you) then your mom would have had it and given it to your wife when your son was born. You just corrected grandma's bad manners.
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This. I wish more people would read what he actually wrote. Sister had one thing she wanted and said he could have literally everything else in the estate. OP takes everything and gives away the one thing she wants. He also is a creep with the age difference with his wife. Plus all the discrepancies other comments pointed out. Guarantee if we heard the sisters side it would be very different to OPs version. He's a huge AH.
Maybe you should try reading what he actually wrote. “she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children“. The sister inherited stuff. It sounds like she was willing to trade it for the necklace, but OP, who did inherit the necklace so he could give it to his wife and continue the tradition, chose to continue the tradition. The sister doesn’t get to decide who inherits what.
Yeah but he doesn’t care
The necklace never would’ve been given to the sister according to the generational tradition. It’s for the daughter-in-laws, not daughters. Why should he give it to someone who name calls his wife and didn’t visit the grandma ever anyway?
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Yea but usually wills are pretty clear on who gets what. It would be a really shit will if it was just “ok you guys can do whatever with it all.” I assume that since the executor of the will gave him the necklace, he was the intended recipient of it
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Right!!!! Doesn't visit grandma , doesn't help grandma but wants 'a memory' that never belonged to her nor intended for her of grandma NTA
>Yea but usually wills are pretty clear on who gets what. It would be a really shit will if it was just “ok you guys can do whatever with it all.” Not really. It's extremely common for a will to direct that the estate be divided equally among the heirs, without getting into specifics. >I assume that since the executor of the will gave him the necklace, he was the intended recipient of it We don't know who the executor is, whether probate has closed, or anything like that. What we do know is that OP's sister still had an expectation of receiving the necklace, and that OP knew that and discreetly/secretly gave it to his wife anyway.
We don't know she had an expectation of receiving it. All we know is she wanted it.
Well, she was surprised and angry, so I think she did expect to receive it. We also know that OP gave it to his wife without disputing his sister's claim, without informing her, and almost certainly by unilaterally removing it from the estate before probate closed. If the the estate had been settled and OP had been the clear owner of the ring, his sister would have been angry sooner.
If you read the post, the grandma left the necklace *for his wife*. It doesn't matter if the sister only wanted one thing. The necklace wasn't something for his sister.
Grandma didn’t follow tradition already by not giving it for the mother/her DIL, so can we pick and choose traditions now?
That's irrelevant. OP and sister had equal legal rights to those jewels and sister gave everything up to OP on the condition that she gets the necklace. So OP got everything + took the necklace his sister wanted. In that case he either needs to give her what she wants or expect sister to take him to court to sort it out. He can't keep everything and make the decision on his own when he isn't the only heir.
If grandma was so pressed about her not visiting, why’d she put her in the will? If grandma only wanted op to get necklace, why didn’t she put that in the will? Op is a HUGE ah who couldn’t even be brave enough to tell his sister to her face that she couldn’t have the necklace. Instead he goes behind her back and gives it to his wife. She had to find out by seeing it on the wife’s neck. How is that not an AH move? Least he could’ve done is explain he wanted to follow the sexist tradition and give it to his wife since she finally had a son.
hm yea fair enough. my judgement is still out based on who exactly the will said the necklace was for, and whether the grandma ever directly said who she wanted it to go to.
>But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did. I think OP is pretty clear that his grandmother wanted his wife to have the necklace.
Well, once it was given to OP’s mom then she could have given it to OP’s sister. Grandma broke tradition when she withheld it from OP’s mom.
you got me there lol
Also am I reading this wrong or did the OP marry his grandmother's adoptive daughter (the grandmother who was essentially also his mother), what?? This is some deep rich people shit
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He met his wife when she was in college. He didn’t watch her grow up. Geez, people!
OP said his grandmother "adopted" his wife as a grandchild. That's not how legal adoption works; he just means she considered his wife another grandchild. Apparently, the grandmother had a nurse who took care of her, and OP married that nurse's daughter.
Grandma’s bonus _grandchild_, the daughter of her nurse. Not that that actually clarifies at what point in his and her life he met his wife
Somewhere says at one point that the wifey is the daughter of a nurse who took care of the grandparents and was adopted… I honestly got lost. But I got this bit about the sister only wanting the necklace and the brother just goes behind her back without a heads up. ESH - including narrative skills.
Actually sounds like wife was pregnant with son when grandma died. Son is 2 months old and Grandma only died a few months ago.
Where does it say he kept everything? Sister was willing to let him have everything else in exchange for the necklace, but it doesn’t say he ever agreed to that. He can’t give his ”sister her necklace back” because it was never hers.
I interpretted that as the grandma gave the necklace to her a while back Edit: ah i see the boy is 2 mo old.
Really misogynistic tradition, for the record. Ew. Whatever, if they wanted your sister to have it they would have given it to her. But on the other hand it’s absolute bullshit that she’s “not worthy” because she doesn’t “carry on” the family name or whatever. In the year of Lady Gaga 2024. Insane. Everyone is an AH here for upholding that crap. Jfc what kind of message does that give your daughters? “Sorry, honey, you’re less valuable since you’ll change your name one day.” For the record, many married women don’t, and last names don’t always comes from dads. Also, what if any of the kids are gay? Jesus I don’t have the time or energy to explain how monumentally stupid the tradition is. Anyway.
It doesn’t matter how you feel about the tradition. It’s their tradition and grandma wanted it to go where it went.
Traditions do not materialize out of thin air. They are made by actual people. Many traditions are extremely stupid and outdated and get rightfully terminated when deemed no longer appropriate or necessary. Makes me think about that scene from the movie *Coming To America*: Queen: *"I think it's a stupid tradition."* King: *"Who am I to change it?"* Queen: *"I thought you were the king."*
Remember! All traditions are just peer pressure from dead people!
Sure, but the choice to break or uphold the tradition was still the grandmother’s to make. And by the sounds of it, she wanted the tradition to continue. Maybe for the sake of it, maybe just because OPs wife acted like a better granddaughter than his sister ever did. Whatever the reason, it was never the sister’s necklace to decide what to do with. And now the next person who gets to make the choice of whether to continue the tradition is OPs wife
But the grandmother didn't uphold the tradition when she refused to pass the necklace on to OP's mum.
Well, it was still her decision to make. In practice, all that happened was that the tradition skipped a generation, but even if that hadn’t been the case, it was still the grandmother’s necklace to do with as she wished
And when grandma died it passed to OP. Who should have either given it to his sister or kept it for one of his own daughters when she reached adulthood.
No? It goes specifically to the daughter in law who births the first son, so it only could have gone to OP’s wife if they are following the tradition.
Why would it have passed to OP? His wife was clearly in the will as well
OP said: >I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born *He* gave it to her. She didn't get it when the grandmother died.
From the sounds of it, Grandma gave it to OP for his wife, before she passed, meaning it was not still part of the estate, it was already removed from the pool.
Actually, after grandma passed it was OP's choice to make and he could have broken or changed the tradition (e.g. by giving it to their oldest daughter).
That’s now how inheritance works. When the grandmother dies, her possessions pass to whomever *she* wants them to pass to. And according to the information we have, she had clearly indicated that the necklace should go to her granddaughter-in-law
Actually, no. Once she passes and the estate is probated and assets are distributed, the property then belongs to whomever she left it to. They can do with it what they will, including giving it to someone else. There is no legal or supernatural force that would prevent someone from giving away a necklace they inherited.
That’s not what I said. I said the grandmother can give it to whomever she wishes as part of her will. And if she has indicated, even if just verbally, that the necklace should go to OPs wife, then that is legally what should happen. Might be hard to prove unless written down, but that’s besides the point
>if she has indicated, even if just verbally, that the necklace should go to OPs wife, then that is legally what should happen. I don't think there's a jurisdiction in the world where an unsubstantiated claim about a verbally expressed wish supersedes a will.
Except she only wanted her granddaughter-in-law to get the necklace if baby 5 was a boy. It didn't go directly to her, it went to OP. >I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born OP would still have it if the new baby was another girl.
I mean, grams dead. She has no say in a tradition at this point, specifically one she broke herself. The only reason the Op is following it is because it benefits them. I can’t imagine my sibling asking for only one part of an inheritance, and denying them to give my wife a necklace. One that already hasn’t followed the tradition for centuries.
The tradition just skipped a single generation, not centuries, and it ended up with the same person who would have held it had the tradition been upheld in the first place
It absolutely does matter because traditions don't need to be continued. All it takes is one person to say "Hang on, this seems unfair."
Yes, and Grandma broke the tradition. She did not give the necklace to her daughter in law.
Whilst I agree with all this in theory, Grandma was the one in possession of the necklace, and she didn't say that. She decided who to pass it to. It's possible OP's wife might be the one to say it. But until now, she hasn't had that right. She could voice her opinion, but she didn't get to make the choice.
It passed to OP after the grandmother died. *He* could - and should - have broken the sexist tradition.
He *did* break the tradition, in the most self-serving way, because at the time of his grandmother's death his mother was the traditional custodian of the ring, and had been for half a century. OP had, according to the tradition, no more right to it than his sister had.
RIght but they would also be right to break the tradition if they consider it stupid.
A tradition she wanted to continue, but one she also didn’t follow. Seems a bit hypocritical.
Which is such a weird thing that people who keep insisting "it's a family tradition!!" keep not addressing. Like, traditions can end at any time, and people are not obligated to uphold the wishes of dead folks. They certainly can if they want, but they're not obligated to. OP made his choice and asked for judgement. He's getting it.
Grandma is the one that broke the 'tradition'.
But grandma didn’t give it to her. He did. After grandma died and left everything to both siblings. Grandma didn’t say in the will that the necklace was his alone.
You forgot that op couldn’t even be bothered to tell his sister no. He just went behind her back and gave away the only heirloom she wanted. The fact that he says grandma died “a few months ago” yet his son is only 2 months tells me he knew sister wanted it and he STILL gave it to his wife all while not bothering to tell her. She had to find out when she saw this around the wife’s neck. The same wife that she feels as if grandma loved more than her. Yeah I’d be pretty hurt too and probably say some regrettable things in the heat of the moment.
while you would be right about sticking with this tradition for the sake of tradition being shitty, that is not what happened. grandma didn't give it to her own son's wife, tradition broken, grandma instead arranged for it to go to a woman related by marriage who helped her in her old age, having OP hold it till they have a son is a nod to the old tradition, but I think primarily been directed to somebody grandma loved, respected and was helped by. I would hope that OP's sister also got both sentimental mementos and a fair portion of assets but unless this necklace was a significant portion of the estate, I say it was reasonable to give it where it went.
What’s hilarious is that, follow tradition or don’t follow tradition, OP’s wife gets the necklace. The only way the sister gets it would be if grandmother follows tradition, gives it to the mother, and the mother breaks tradition by giving it to her daughter
The necklace went to OP after their grandmother died. He gave it to his wife when baby 5 was born a boy, but he could have given it to his sister.
>grandma instead arranged for it to go to a woman related by marriage who helped her in her old age, Except she didn't. She didn't give the ring to OP or his wife, or leave it to either of them in her will. OP took it upon himself to remove it from the estate because he wanted it for his wife.
Just because she didn't explicitly write it down doesn't remove the fact that OP knew that she wanted the necklace to go to OP's wife. Idk why people act as though it's okay to ignore people's spoken desires just because they didn't write it down.
Ooof, thank you. OP is NTA for the purpose of this post, of course. I also believe this sort of tradition sucks and should die. Two things can be true at once.
YTA your sister wanted only one thing from the entire estate, your grandmothers necklace. You instead gave it to your wife. Either give her the necklace or an entire half of everything else. You dont get to have everything
Agree YTA plus you were sneaky not to tell her about it knowing she wanted it.
It was the grandmother’s to give and she said who she wanted to give it to, it doesn’t matter what the sister wanted. She still got inheritance, she wanted the necklace on top of that.
YTA You deliberately hid the necklace from your sister. You can’t say that you were just following tradition as your grandmother messed that up when she failed to give the necklace to your mother. Did your sister get anything or are you hoarding the whole lot?
No he didn’t, read the second paragraph again. And the sister got inheritance, it got divided between him and her.
[удалено]
True. All of this. He is trying so hard to villainize the sister. And the wife part. Seems like an incest to me. Even it's not blood but you still grew up as family so. Edit- He gave a edit. But I still find this so creepy situation. Running behind a young college student in your 40s. Ew.
Nope! They did NOT grow up together, OP says he met his wife when she was in college- she came into his life because her mom was grandma’s nurse. Which makes it pretty easy to understand that OP didn’t mean that his grandma literally adopted her, she still had a mother who was very much alive. It means OP’s wife & grandma already had a close relationship before his marriage. Grandma loved OP’s wife, and wanted her to have the necklace.
Absolutely unhinged
This is really the best comment.
YTA. The only thing your sister wanted was the necklace, a family heirloom. Your sister is entitled to it, not your wife. If your grandmother wanted your wife to have it, she would have left it specifically to your wife. She didn't. Same is true that she didn't specify it go to your sister, but by your own admission, it's a family heirloom. It belongs to your sister, not your wife. I'm guessing you kept 100 percent of the estate as well.
Reading comprehension isn't your forte huh
Complicated Did your grandmother leave other jewelry and items you'll keep? Because if that's the only thing sis wanted out of a bunch of other stuff, and it belonged in her dad's family for years, then maybe .... After all, this jewelry did NOT come from your grandmother's side -- she just married into the family, that's the only reason she possessed it. And it was SUPPOSED to go to your mom, but it didn't because she kept it. And your mom wants sis to have it. The biggest irritant here is the sexism about the son carrying the family name. At one time it was understandable because the culture was that way. Now it's not. Do you want it to go to your wife for sexist reasons? To carry on a sexist tradition that the wife should be rewarded for having a boy? Than YTA. I wonder if that is what this is really about. And the rest is smoke and mirrors to justify it.
It really doesn’t matter what the mom wants, did you miss the part where she didn’t want her children so she shipped them off?
NTA Actually it would have been wrong and out of family tradition to give it to your sister.
What if the family tradition sucks though? Sorry sister you were born a girl so you don’t deserve grandma’s special necklace.
There is only one necklace though. Do you genuinely believe it should've gone to the woman who ditched grandma over the woman who took care of her?
An adult's leaving home, marrying and having children and her own life is not "ditching grandma," and if the necklace were to go to the woman who took care of grandma, that would be OP's mother-in-law.
OP is decidedly vague on the matter but it sounds like his wife was around the grandmother because she was the daughter of the grandmother’s nurse. She stuck around because she and her mom were being paid to do so!
You don't usually pay the relatives of a nurse, do you? Besides, OP's wife *married* him. I'd say spending time with your, essentially, MIL is more common than spending time with the boss of your parent, because you are being paid to by proxy and marrying said boss's grandson just to...what exactly is your theory here?
What. In my family we have a necklace that passes from Bonnie to Bonnie. My grandma got it from hers, who got it from her mom. My grandma, literally the day before she died, gave it to my cousin. Guess why? BECAUSE SHE'S NAMED BONNIE. Should I have been mad I didn't get it because I'm not named Bonnie? Of course not, because it's tradition. One of my other aunts tried getting mad about it after grandma died and the family laughed at her. It has nothing to do with who deserves what, it has something to do with a little tradition. My grandma gave me her painting supplies, because she taught me to paint. Is that also unfair, that I got it because my other cousins didn't want to paint? Your comment makes no sense.
Except the tradition in this case isn’t actually important because the grandmother already broke it by not giving it to OP’s mother. So it’s only an extremely important and time honored tradition when the family feels like it. I also hate gender- based inheritance rules specifically, your family’s tradition at least isn’t that the girls lose out automatically.
A lot times families have traditions when you pass down jewellery to the eldest daughter. It’s not fair but it happens a lot. Honestly if the tradition is giving someone a necklace and not physically harming someone they can keep it. The sister probably got other stuff but wanted specifically that one necklace that is passed from daughter in law to daughter in law.
Right. I mean my family has a tradition around our jewelry. Our jewelry is passed through only the women born into the family. That way, when they marry, they have something they can sell if things go south. Some of the pieces have seen five different family lines and one day my jewelry will make its way to the next generation. My future SIL knows this. She knows my mother’s jewelry will come to me and my future nieces, and my jewelry will pass to my nieces. She’s not pitching fit because she’s not getting anything. She’s not name calling because she’s not part of the tradition. Yes some traditions can burn but why are we attacking ones where no one is getting hurt? My brother didn’t get mad when I received my grandmothers gold and diamonds.
Your tradition =/= this tradition. If OPs 5th child was a girl the wife would’ve not been eligible for the necklace, as the tradition values sons having children over the daughters having children and then those kids being boys. Also, most people don’t pitch a tent over not being passed down jewelry from a family they’re marrying into. They’re fully aware passing down family heirlooms is generally for those born into the family.
Passing down jewelry to an oldest daughter is not the same as passing down jewelry to the first daughter in law that gives birth to a son. Also, there’s no point referencing tradition because the grandmother ended it already. Once she decided to no longer give it to OPs mom no one can then use tradition on why someone deserves it.
Funnily enough, my family has a tradition where we pass on a china hutch to the youngest daughter, my mother was the oldest so she doesn’t get to participate in that particular tradition, though she’s only miffed because her younger sister sold it when they moved house and never asked mom if she wanted it (aunt just wanted the money), though the other hitch goes to my sister (she’s only a minute younger lol 😂)
Tradition was *already* broke or else Ops mom would have had the necklace.
If OP wants us to believe he cares about the tradition, it was wrong and a violation of the tradition for both the grandmother and OP to withhold it from OP's mother. The tradition is that it passes to the first daughter-in-law to bear a son and she passes it to her first daughter-in-law who bears a son. The tradition is not that the first son to father a son seizes it and gives it to his wife.
YTA for having 5 kids just to get a son. Your poor daughters.
>a few months ago she died and she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace INFO: Are you the executor of your grandmother's estate? Did your grandmother specify how the estate was to be divided? Has your sister received anything from your grandmother's estate? *Will* she receive anything from the estate? Depending on the answers, I think you might be on shaky legal ground as well as moral ground. It was your grandmother's necklace, by whatever operation of family tradition she obtained it, and strictly speaking, she could do whatever she liked with it. However, it doesn't seem that she gave it to you or your wife. She apparently maintained ownership of it until her death, at which time it became part of the estate, the distribution of which is governed by the terms of the will. You don't say whether the estate has closed or probate is still ongoing, or how ownership of the necklace was settled during probate, if it was. But the fact that your sister didn't know that you had ended up with ownership of the necklace makes me think that your actions were pretty shifty. Further, you knew you were being shifty, because you gave it to your wife without telling your sister, while still allowing your sister to think she was going to get the necklace. Your appeal to family tradition is also bullshit. Your grandmother didn't care about the family tradition. She broke the family tradition 51 years ago when she declined, out of spite, to give the necklace to your mother. You broke the family tradition again when your grandmother died and you held on to the necklace in the hope that the fifth child you've fathered on this young woman in eight years would be a son, giving you a pretext for taking the necklace. If it were really about the family tradition, the necklace should have gone to your mother after your grandmother died, restoring the chain of custody that was consistent with the tradition. There's no indication that your mother would be obligated by the tradition to give the necklace to your wife *immediately* after the birth of your son, who wasn't born before your grandmother's death, anyway. Either way, you seem to acknowledge the right of the owner of the necklace to disregard the tradition, since you and your grandmother both did exactly that. The tradition is irrelevant, since neither you nor your grandmother chose to respect it. Pretending that you're honoring the tradition by breaking it shows that you're a dishonest person and an unreliable narrator. There's no doubt at all that there's more to this situation than you're telling us. Frankly, your entire family sounds exhausting — your grandmother, your parents, you, and your sister all sound pretty insufferable. But based on the information you've given, I'm going to go against the grain and say YTA, because your plotting to get the necklace into the hands of your young wife was dishonest, and it was done in the dark because you knew it was dishonest. EDIT: Typo.
Edited to change N T A to YTA because I read it again and saw that you kept everything. I know there are always two sides to every story but I would LOVE to hear your sister's version of events on this one. To get this necklace you have to marry into a man's family and give them all a boy baby. Get me a bucket. I'm not on the sisters side in this but you can see why she would be so pissed off. She was never in the running because Grandma was toeing the patriarchal line. If you're a girl, you're worth less.
INFO: Did the will specify who was to receive the necklace? Or was everything left to all of y’all as a whole and then you had to agree how to divide it up amongst yourselves? Was the necklace given before the division of assets was finalized? How did your sister not know where the necklace was if your grandmother died several months ago but your son was only born two months ago- were you hiding the necklace “just in case”? Did your grandmother ever explicitly tell you or put into writing that she wanted you to have the necklace or was that just supposition? It all comes down to who truly owns the necklace, and your wording of the way the inheritance worked broke down / who owned the necklace is very unclear.
Is this the plot of a novel?
Hopefully. The 'wife' will realise she was groomed by a much older man and only rewarded for her fifth child (on account of the penis) and her 'husband' didn't give a shit about her four beautiful daughters. The 'wife' runs away with the children under cover of darkness, changes her name and starts an animal sanctuary somewhere. Her last act before leaving is to post the necklace to the 'sister', along with a big wodge of cash she liberated from her 'husband' to make up for him keeping all the 'granmother's' assets.
Badly written, but probably
Your grandma left half of everything for each of you, including the necklace. The tradition ended with your mother; it’s no longer tradition. Your sister deserves 50% of everything, so you need to get that necklace appraised and give her 50% of the value. You're implying that your sister is less of a granddaughter because she left after graduation, which tells us a lot about you.
Damn she wanted one goddamn thing and you couldnt let her have it. Just in case you didn’t know, shes a part of your family bloodline too. Absolutely diabolical. And from the age at which you met your child bride and the age at which you married her... YTA
I'm going to go with yta. If your sister has claimed to the necklace, she can take you to court.
YTA that is the one thing she wants give it to her. She's not claiming everything that's in your name.
NTA: your grandmother hoped you would give it to your wife and you did. Nothing more than that. You met her wishes.
I'm confused. Did Grandma give you the necklace either in her will or while alive? If not, who decided you would inherit it? If 200 yrs old it could have to go through probate. Re-read your post. Sort of sounds like you took / inherited everything and sis got nothing. Is that fair?
He took care for her when the sister didn’t, I think it’s fair.
YTA. That necklace was the only thing your sister wanted and you;re not prepared to let her have it. You say your sister didn't visit much after she moved away but sureley that's exactly because she moved away.
If the will is unclear, and there is a dispute over the estate, then one of the potential beneficiaries ethically cannot make one-sided decisions. YTA for apparently appointing yourself to divide up the estate despite the dispute and not being honest as the effective executor of the estate. I do not see any evidence that grandmother intended for the necklace to go to any particular person. Given the vagueness of 'everything to you and the sister and the kids' that means, in my book, that all the adults named there have an equal right to decide. Why should *your* decision on any part of the estate trump hers? And if the will or the law in your jurisdiction does say you have the sole right to divide up the estate, then it was certainly still unethical of you to hide this fact instead of acting openly and being as impartial as you can (it would be impossible IMO due to the conflict of interest). I also note that you haven't responded to any of the comments asking more about the terms of the will or what your sister got, which is also relevant.
Ethics and evidence are conflicting terms. He has no legal obligation to give his sister anything. Truthfully If it was in his possession and no one made a point to collect it after all this time then the claim gets weaker and weaker. Ethics can go fly a kite because you don’t know his grandmother or what she would have wanted so his word is all you have to believe.
YTA Tradition or what would your grandma have done is irrelevant. Your sister is legal heir as well, she made the decision to give you everything if you give her the necklace. You can't just take everything and the necklace. That means your sister got nothing at all. You also can't unanimously decide who gets what jewels. She could sue you over the will and I hope she's smart enough to do it.
YTA, if your grandma wanted your wife to have it so much she could have just given it to her.
My great-grandmother told me that after my great-grandfather died, one of his nephews told her, "Uncle always wanted me to have his pearl-handled razor." She said, "Well, he didn't want you to have it very bad, because he gave it to somebody else before he died." If it were important to grandma for OP's wife to get the necklace, she'd have made the arrangements. Frankly, OP's story smells like elder manipulation to me.
INFO was the inheritance from your grandmother divided up in any way? Your post says it was left to multiple people. Were there any specifics? If the necklace is supposed to be left to your sister then YTA. If not, if there were no specifics. How did you determine the distribution of the estate? Depending on dollar value fairness or emotional fairness you could be TA or Not. I don't like your sister in the story. Obviously she didn't want the tradition to continue and she sounds like a spiteful person. However, clearly you are grandma's favorite. Are you the Executor of the estate? This feels underhanded considering that the heirloom might have real emotional meaning for your sister. I'm going to stick with YTA without additional information.
I don't understand why you seem baffled at their reactions, you hid it for a reason and those familial bonds clearly aren't worth much to you anyway
Your misogynistic family tradition sucks and you suck for upholding it. YTA.
Unpopular but YTA. Your grandmother didn’t just leave everything to you and your family but also to your sister. The ONLY thing she wanted was the necklace and you couldn’t give her the one item? It sounds like grandma died before son was born since it was a “few months” vs “two months”. If grandma had left everything to you, then I could understand. You couldn’t even be bothered to tell your sister to her face that you’d rather your wife have it than her. Instead you let her find out by having to see it on your wife. Yeah your sister was wrong for her reaction but I honestly don’t blame her from just hearing your side. What did you do when sister said she wanted it? Ignore her? Tell her it was lost? Cause clearly you didn’t tell the truth. Fr imagine you’re her and all you want is ONE item to remember your dead grandma and your brother not only gave it to his wife instead of you but he also didn’t even have the courage to tell you to your face. Add in that grandma picked your wife over her and yeah I bet she does have a LOT of anger over this situation.
Yta. Wtf, I mean wtf?
YTA. Drama aside, when your grandmother died all her stuff became her estate. You had no right to give anything to anyone and could be sued for it. Your sister wanted one thing which as it should have went to your mother if she hadnt been excommunicated, should have went to your sister instead. It wasn't yours to give and I hope your sister sues you for it. Also sad to hear you have 4 kids you will raise to be as selfish as you.
Why are people so bad at fiction? Boring 😴 🪴 😴
INFO: >she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace that belonged to my father's family for almost two centuries. - Did your grandma leave it to you or your wife specifically or did you decide to give it to her from what was supposed to be a shared inheritance when everyone else had a claim? - Did the sister actually get ANYTHING? The way this is worded, your sister was supposed to get a cut of the inheritance and she only wanted the necklace and then didn't get that either. - Why did your sister have to find out the only thing she wanted from her dead grandmother was on your wife's neck?
God I hope this post is fake. There are too many red flags to even see the rest of Earth with how densely they're packed. YTA.
YTA
So, YTA for insulting the people reading your tirade who have questions about the story because you left out critical details which made it confusing. So there's that. Secondly, screw the tradition and shaming your sister. Your sister deserves the necklace.
Your sister should absolutely have that necklace. You have come here for judgment so that's what I'm doing. The tradition of giving to the daughter in-law when a son is born to carry on a family name is outdated and disgusting. YTA and so is this tradition. Its time to change this. Be a force for positive change. To me this tradition says only MALE CHILDREN ARE VALUED. YTA. Please do the right thing.
Info: since the only thing she wanted was already gifted away, you are going to give her the part of the estate she’s entitled to correct?
This is a fair question! I don't think OP is an asshole for giving the necklace to his wife instead of his sister, but I can’t tell whether or not he’s an asshole just in general.
YTA, your sister only wanted one piece under the condition that you get everything else. Your grandma already broke the tradition. And your sister got raised by Grandma, not your wife. But you gave away the only piece she wanted, that's unfair and fucked up, you betrayed your sister
Well it sounds like if your grandmother had followed family tradition it would have gone to your mother when you were born and then your mother would have given it to your wife when your son was born. If your wife intends to give it to your son’s wife at the birth of a boy child then NTA. If she plans to break that tradition then there is no reason your wife should have it if it’s the only thing your sister wants from the estate.
I’m disagreeing with most people but in my mind it should’ve gone to your sister. It’s a family heirloom it’s not an Inlaw heirloom.
It’s 100% an in-law heirloom. Read the history of it.
INFO why didn’t your Grandma give it to your wife before she died? That would’ve made sense if it’s what she wanted.
She (wife) hadn’t popped a son yet I think She could have had it held in trust for the wife if she bore a son and someone else if she did not I guess, but seems like she trusted OP to carry out her wishes
INFO " "a whore." She always hated my wife because she didn't agree with our grandmother adopting the daughter of the nurse who took care of her as another granddaughter. " I can not follow this at all. Can you explain the relationship between your family and your wife? Is she your adopted cousin?
INFO (A) when you say the estate was given to the three of you and your children but your sister only wanted the necklace, that implies she was bequeathed something other than the necklace. Did she still get that or did you allow her to relinquish what she was to receive and still not give her the necklace? (B) if it’s not too personal I would like to know in roughly what proportions the estate was divided and what proportion the necklace represents. I feel like it makes a difference if you already got the lions share pursuant to old school tradition and then still kept the necklace in your nuclear family. Doesn’t necessarily make you the asshole but it is relevant. (C) Did your sister give a reason as to why she particularly wanted the necklace other than she did not want to see it go to your wife? Without knowing these things I’m not going to say you are AH but if possible I think you should try not to judge her too harshly and perhaps let her have some of the estate. It sounds like she bears resentment to your wife for usurping her place and possibly taking part of her inheritance. Maybe that’s unfair, maybe your wife or her mother were there for your grandma and she was not, but these things are hard to judge, maybe she felt and resented favouritism on your grandmas part and maybe there was (my grandma also favoured me somewhat as the son, it was part of their culture). It probably hits different than it did to my sister since she was like your de facto mother.
Mom and dad lost any rights to opinion when they handed off their kids. Grandma raised you both. Sister grew up and stepped away from the woman who raised her and you didn't. You and your wife cared for Grandma as she deserved to the end, now all these people who didn't care about family are mad about an item that has family significance... Even if sister wanted a keepsake, calling your wife a whore was not the way to het it. NTA
YTA. It was literally the only thing she wanted.
Grandma didn't care about the tradition. If she did she would have passed the necklace to either your mom or your wife, long ago. Your sister only asked for one, 1, ONE thing. And you are so greedy that you wouldn't even give that to her. YTA. Also the age gap between you and wifey... you are not just a greedy asshole. you are also a creep
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (51m) parents (75m 74f) are workaholics, and addicted to money. They loved their jobs more than their children, that's why they sent me and my sister to live with our grandmother when we were 6 and 8. My sister (49f) moved out when she turned 18 and I continued living with my grandmother until I graduated from college at 25 because I enjoyed living with her and I also wanted to take care of her when she got sick. The thing is that a few months ago she died and she left everything to me, my sister my wife (34f) and our children (8f 6f 4f 2f two months old boy) but my sister only wanted one thing and that was a necklace that belonged to my father's family for almost two centuries. My ancestors always gave those necklaces to their daughters-in-law when they gave birth to their first male child as a form of celebration because the family name would continue for at least one more generation. But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did. I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister, and when she saw my wife wearing it she lost her mind. She accused me of being greedy and selfish and also accused me of having stolen such a precious family jewel to give it to "a whore." She always hated my wife because she didn't agree with our grandmother adopting the daughter of the nurse who took care of her as another granddaughter. According to her, it was unfair that she loved my wife more than her, but my grandmother loved her because my wife was always there for her. My sister, on the other hand, rarely visited her after moving and when her children were born she never taught them our grandmother's language so they could communicate, and that hurt our her because she loved communicating with my children, who do know her language. Long story short, I don't think I did anything wrong by giving that jewel to my wife, but suddenly my sister and even my parents believe that I should return that jewel because it is something that my sister wants to keep as a memory of her grandmother but I don't care, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think NTA for the necklace thing? But how long have you known your wife for? bc you had your first child with her when she was 26 and you were 43. When did you start dating? Have you known her since she was under-age? Also did your grandmother adopt your wife or your wife's mother? And if she officially adopted your wife does that mean you're married to your adoptive sister??? There's a lot going on here & I have a sneaking suspicion you might be a major AH for reasons other than the necklace.
So… did I read this correctly? Your wife was the daughter of your grandmothers nurse? And your grandmother adopted her? So, your wife, who is 17 years younger than you, is technically your cousin? NTA - but this is a bizarre family dynamic.
It wasn't a formal adoption. It's more a family friend being called auntie or uncle type thing. I used to have a few non related grandparents this way.
What a weird tradition ... the people who marry into the family give each other jewels as a reward for perpetuating the 'adoptive' family? "Neither of us amounted to anything until we popped out an heir, but now we're family"? That's some weird Scion worship there.
NTA. "But my grandmother hated my mother and never gave it to her, she only kept it because she hoped I would give it to my wife, and I did. I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister, and when she saw my wife wearing it she lost her mind" *I gave the necklace to my wife when our son was born and never told my sister* - people seem to be under the impression he stole it from the inheritance, are you all illiterate? If it was given to him by the grandmother prior to her passing and he gave it to his wife, then the sister has absolutely no rights.
ESH. Way to decide to keep a deeply misogynistic tradition going. Looks like you've never considered the Why of your grandmother's treatment of her own daughter (aka your Mother) and perhaps there was a reason your parents had to focus on work \*while making sure you were safe in a loving home\*. I've seen that pattern/situation many times.. But yeah. You don't care, as you say.
I hope this is fake. Even if you didn't meet your wife when she was a child, it's still very creepy that you apparently started dating a college-aged woman (whose mother was a family employee, if I'm reading that right) as an almost forty-year-old man. Was it her decision or yours to keep having kids until you finally got a boy? And did your sister receive anything as an inheritance? Frankly if I were her I wouldn't want the gross misogynistic necklace that you hid from her, but it's unclear what specifically she was meant to inherit and if you cut her out entirely. Depends on what the will actually said, but I'm leaning YTA.
So your grandmother left everything to you and your sister but the only thing your sister wanted was that necklace. You gave the necklace to your wife based on a tradition that had already been broken when your grandmother refused to give it to your mother. You did this on your own without even talking to your sister about it. If your grandmother gave it to you prior to her death or specifically named you as the recipient in her will then you can do whatever you want with it, but if she didn't then you don't have any claim on it before the estate is settled, especially if it's valuable. If it's the latter and you took it upon yourself to claim this necklace and give it to your wife without talking to your sister who is also an heir then you are the asshole.
ESH You are awful people who are the children of awful people, and probably the grandchildren of awful people.
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NTA. I wonder why your sister fixated on the one family heirloom that by tradition could never be hers? It sounds like a case of wanting what she couldn't have. Or maybe it's just a really nice necklace. Either way, your grandmother made her wishes clear, case closed. I wonder though if your mother is egging your sister on because she didn't get the necklace when you were born?