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NAH.
Such a hard situation. No easy answers. I understand why your wife is upset. She didn't sign up to suddenly have a six-year-old. But not letting your brother go into foster care definitely seems noble. And you gave your wife the choice, not pressuring her.
The only thing you might have done better is including your wife more in your thinking, rather than dropping it on her as a bombshell ultimatum, which is kind of what it sounds like. The end decision might be the same, but she might be less furious if you two had regretfully reached the decision together.
But I won't call you an asshole for that, given how complicated and stressful the situation is.
This is a decision only you can make, and I don't think what strangers on the internet think should have any bearing upon your decision.
I do hope you didn't present that you were taking your brother in to your wife as an edict, but that you had some heartfelt discussions.
But if after those discussions you decided to save your little brother from going into the system with the knowledge that your wife might well opt out of the marriage, that's very sad, but NTA.
NAH. I can see things from both sides. I understand how your wife must be feeling shocked and pushed to the side. I also understand that you don't want your little brother put into the system.
As someone that was raised in foster care I find it commendable what you are doing.
After you and your wife have had time to settle sit down and talk to each other about what this means for yalls marriage moving forward
NAH. Life happens and you're making the decision you think is best. Your wife is not a bad person for not being happy that her life plans have to suddenly change. I guess you are just no longer compatible under the circumstances
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I had a rough childhood being split between two different households, it was really messy and made me not want children at all.
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NAH
All of this sucks, I'm sorry. You're not the asshole for doing something that most would consider being the right thing.
But neither is she because the circumstances changed and you can't offer her the life anymore that she had been promised.
NTA. You are doing a decent and unselfish thing by becoming a parent to your little brother. You gave your wife your blessing to adjust to the situation as she sees fit. She can open her heart to your little brother or she can get a divorce.
NTA! I think you have to do whatever it is that you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with and I believe you already decided that that is to take in your brother and raise him. I understand where your wife is coming from but, as happens in life, circumstances change and how we think our life should go is changed along with those circumstances. Just like you have to decide what is best for you and your brother, your wife has to decide what is best for her. Talk to her and explain why you need to take your brother in and that is all you can do. She decides if she stays or goes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My parents divorced when I was 3, and went into separate marriages. I had a rough childhood being split between two different households, it was really messy and made me not want children at all.
When I was 20, my parents reconciled after their second marriages had ended and had my brother soon after. I had already been dating my now-wife for a year, and we were eventually married, she agreed with me about not wanting kids.
Five years later and my brother is now 6, and all is not well in my parents marriage. My mother had an unexpected hard attack and died.
My father did not take it well, and drank himself to death. Obviously my family is morning, and I've been trying to find a home for my brother, none of my half-siblings want him.
The only other option would be for him to go into foster care, and I'm not going to let that happen. I told my wife that I was going to become his guardian, and that she did not have to stick around in this marriage if she didn't want to. She did not take it well and is furious that I would choose my brother over her. I doubt my marriage will survive, but I can't let my brother go into foster care.
EDIT: LC
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NTA. This is just hard. Every child needs someone in their corner who will protect and love them, and you know that for your brother, this can only be you. I’m sorry that you cannot do this w your wife, but I’m thinking you have good reason to believe that to be true and so you just cut to the chase rather than pretend you were entertaining any other choice? Hopefully she can look past her disappointment and see that turning your back on your little brother would be a totally different decision than choosing not to bring your own children into the world.
You’re doing the right thing. You’re not kicking your wife out, you’re choosing to care for someone important to you who is too young to care for himself and has no other good options. Your wife is an adult who can make her own choices and can care for herself. NTA.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. This was unforeseen. You don’t pick your brother over your wife; You’re just stepping in and I applaud you for that. Too bad your wives is so inflexible. NTA. Good luck!
If you had an actual discussion with her about this where she’s part of the decision making process (even if it’s the same outcome) you might’ve had a chance at saving your marriage, but “like it or leave” is a terrible way to present the situation to her and you cannot be mad at her when she does. Slight YTA for making a live changing decision without even talking to your wife.
edit: I can’t respond to the person who replied, but I couldn’t agree more
It’s the presentation. Taking on a 6 year old who lost both his parents is a BIG task that will change your lives drastically. I’m so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult on everyone, especially him. But marriage is a joint venture and you TOLD her she would be become an acting mom to your brother. I would leave too. YTA
NTA… thats your brother and a child, of course he comes first since there is no adult around who can take him in. But did you ask your wife first or just present her with an ultimatum?
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NAH. Such a hard situation. No easy answers. I understand why your wife is upset. She didn't sign up to suddenly have a six-year-old. But not letting your brother go into foster care definitely seems noble. And you gave your wife the choice, not pressuring her. The only thing you might have done better is including your wife more in your thinking, rather than dropping it on her as a bombshell ultimatum, which is kind of what it sounds like. The end decision might be the same, but she might be less furious if you two had regretfully reached the decision together. But I won't call you an asshole for that, given how complicated and stressful the situation is.
This is a decision only you can make, and I don't think what strangers on the internet think should have any bearing upon your decision. I do hope you didn't present that you were taking your brother in to your wife as an edict, but that you had some heartfelt discussions. But if after those discussions you decided to save your little brother from going into the system with the knowledge that your wife might well opt out of the marriage, that's very sad, but NTA.
NAH. I can see things from both sides. I understand how your wife must be feeling shocked and pushed to the side. I also understand that you don't want your little brother put into the system. As someone that was raised in foster care I find it commendable what you are doing. After you and your wife have had time to settle sit down and talk to each other about what this means for yalls marriage moving forward
NAH. Life happens and you're making the decision you think is best. Your wife is not a bad person for not being happy that her life plans have to suddenly change. I guess you are just no longer compatible under the circumstances
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I had a rough childhood being split between two different households, it was really messy and made me not want children at all. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH All of this sucks, I'm sorry. You're not the asshole for doing something that most would consider being the right thing. But neither is she because the circumstances changed and you can't offer her the life anymore that she had been promised.
NTA. You are doing a decent and unselfish thing by becoming a parent to your little brother. You gave your wife your blessing to adjust to the situation as she sees fit. She can open her heart to your little brother or she can get a divorce.
NTA! I think you have to do whatever it is that you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with and I believe you already decided that that is to take in your brother and raise him. I understand where your wife is coming from but, as happens in life, circumstances change and how we think our life should go is changed along with those circumstances. Just like you have to decide what is best for you and your brother, your wife has to decide what is best for her. Talk to her and explain why you need to take your brother in and that is all you can do. She decides if she stays or goes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents divorced when I was 3, and went into separate marriages. I had a rough childhood being split between two different households, it was really messy and made me not want children at all. When I was 20, my parents reconciled after their second marriages had ended and had my brother soon after. I had already been dating my now-wife for a year, and we were eventually married, she agreed with me about not wanting kids. Five years later and my brother is now 6, and all is not well in my parents marriage. My mother had an unexpected hard attack and died. My father did not take it well, and drank himself to death. Obviously my family is morning, and I've been trying to find a home for my brother, none of my half-siblings want him. The only other option would be for him to go into foster care, and I'm not going to let that happen. I told my wife that I was going to become his guardian, and that she did not have to stick around in this marriage if she didn't want to. She did not take it well and is furious that I would choose my brother over her. I doubt my marriage will survive, but I can't let my brother go into foster care. EDIT: LC *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for sticking next to family sorry about all the chaos
NAH. You can make your choices and your wife can make hers and neither of your are TA for doing it.
NTA. This is just hard. Every child needs someone in their corner who will protect and love them, and you know that for your brother, this can only be you. I’m sorry that you cannot do this w your wife, but I’m thinking you have good reason to believe that to be true and so you just cut to the chase rather than pretend you were entertaining any other choice? Hopefully she can look past her disappointment and see that turning your back on your little brother would be a totally different decision than choosing not to bring your own children into the world.
NTA because that any alternative option is not in your Brother's best interests. You're solely acting on his behalf. I salute you
You’re doing the right thing. You’re not kicking your wife out, you’re choosing to care for someone important to you who is too young to care for himself and has no other good options. Your wife is an adult who can make her own choices and can care for herself. NTA.
NTA
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. This was unforeseen. You don’t pick your brother over your wife; You’re just stepping in and I applaud you for that. Too bad your wives is so inflexible. NTA. Good luck!
If you had an actual discussion with her about this where she’s part of the decision making process (even if it’s the same outcome) you might’ve had a chance at saving your marriage, but “like it or leave” is a terrible way to present the situation to her and you cannot be mad at her when she does. Slight YTA for making a live changing decision without even talking to your wife. edit: I can’t respond to the person who replied, but I couldn’t agree more
It’s the presentation. Taking on a 6 year old who lost both his parents is a BIG task that will change your lives drastically. I’m so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult on everyone, especially him. But marriage is a joint venture and you TOLD her she would be become an acting mom to your brother. I would leave too. YTA
NTA… thats your brother and a child, of course he comes first since there is no adult around who can take him in. But did you ask your wife first or just present her with an ultimatum?
You are not the asshole but your wife is for not caring about your brother, he is still family no matter what.