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Do I think you’re an asshole? No. Do I think there is any winning with this type of people? Huge nope. I think you should defer to your husband on this in the future. It’s his ex, daughter, granddaughter involved in the situation.
There is absolutely no reason to engage. OP already knows how this will go. Since they have been in Mary’s life since 2, why even have this discussion? Who cares what she says about Eve? Soft YTA because OP knows better than to engage
I don't think it deserves a Y T A because OP was trying to come to the defence of Eve, in the family group chat. Sure, engaging would only lead to more arguments, but also maybe Eve appreciates knowing some people have her back when her cousin keeps making rude comments about her parenting choices.
So what? Must she also kiss Mary s @ss like the rest of the family? Should they let her spread bs and threaten them with never seeing the baby if someone disagrees with her moronic arguments? If her parents stood up to this long ago, maybe she wouldn't end up being an insufferable AH
OP, you don't need to be around her or put with her. I would walk away the minute she starts talking
NTA
>Do I think there is any winning with this type of people? Huge nope
OP, it's understandable because you have known Mary since she was 2, that you are very involved in her life, and potentially because of custody agreements between you husband and his ex you have be able to have a more balanced view of Mary's personality. It's because you have been in Mary's life a long time that you should realize she isn't going to change. I am sure that you or your husband and potentially her mother have made fruitless attempts as she was growing up to curb the know-it-all attitude. I am sure her teachers, coaches, or managers have also tried to curb it.
I think you said the conversation happened in a group text. I don't know how extended the family is and how much the group text is used, but it might be easier to have conversations with the intended recipient one on one, then there is no walking on eggshells. For instance, the ex-wife wanted the baby registry of the niece said in the group chat, just text the ex-wife directly with the info. I would hope she wouldn't make a remark about needing to check with Mary with you in a private conversation.
I know I would have reacted the same way as you did. Don't think of it as letting Mary get away with her nonsense (sooner or later, her attitude will bite her in the ass). Think of it as helping to facilitate and maintain the relationship your husband has with his very difficult daughter. You are certainly NTA.
INFO
> she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy.
> I didn't think she needed Mary's approval on what to buy.
> "NOPE! Straight up she doesn't know, you don't know until you have a baby. She only has experience with newborns who sleep."
I don't understand this interaction.
Doesn't know *what*? What is the **nature of the concern** here?
Are they implying that Eve is asking for items that might be \*unsafe\* for a newborn?
Unfortunately for Mary, she doesn't get a vote to choose what Eve asks for.
Eve is obviously much older and more mature than Mary and also has a degree and license as a physicians assistant. She actually DOES know A LOT more than Mary does about babies and what they need and how to keep them safe and healthy.
So, first NTA. But if Lyla and Mary want to second guess Eve and Lyla is deferring to Mary. That’s silly, but also not your problem.
You don’t need to step on eggshells, there’s no point in engaging crazy people tho.
I don’t know why you care. Just let her buy something and give it to Eve. Eve will return or toss it if she doesn’t need it. You have to get out of the middle - it’s really not your concern.
Lmao main character syndrome, bud. OP has responded to a comparative handful of this thread.
You're not being exclusively singled out. You're making up a perceived slight to justify thinking what you want to think.
What? Are you ok? It’s perfectly normal for people to avoid the questions they don’t want to answer. You see it all the time on this sub.
It’s been asked several times and not answered.
But whatever- doesn’t matter. I have my opinion and you have yours.
>She threatened my husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion
INFO: what was the "difference in opinion" in question?
INFO
Did Mary ask for any advice from your family or was it just given? Seems like there's more issues than what's being said in the post. This whole post is a mess.
I stopped giving her advice a long time ago. But when she says things like, "I can't get him to settle down", we'll ask if she has checked to see if he's teething or could he have a tummy ache and she gets mad and and argues. So we stopped even asking questions.
>"I can't get him to settle down", we'll ask if she has checked to see if he's teething or could he have a tummy ache
i don't have kids, i don't plan to have kids in the foreseeable future (or possibly ever) and i'm not interested in anything to do with kids, and even *i* know that teething and/or tummy ache are like the two major reasons a baby this young may be crying.
you're literally doing the childcare equivalent of saying "have you tried turning it off and back on?" to someone working in IT. no wonder she gets irritated.
The woman thinks that someone that worked in a hospital with newborns for years can't make her own registry cause she doesn't know what she needs for a baby. I'd be hesitant to believe she'd know to check for those things. Plus in the stress of caring for a newborn it's entirely possible to forget to check for something, no matter how obvious it may be. That's part of why children and infants getting trapped in a how car is so dangerous. No matter how common knowledge it is or how long they've been a parent, stress can make it easy to forget a very widely known thing.
Eta- there are also people that are lacking an incredible amount of common sense and don't do any of their own research because they think they know everything and that their personal opinions are facts. I'm getting the vibe that Mary is that type of person.
To be fair, I'm a hospital peadiatrician who spends a lot of time on NICU and the postnatal ward. I'm currently pregnant with my first and have no idea what I actually need. I'm getting a lot of input from my parents and the internet and sometimes listening sometimes going my own way.
But I don't what I'm doing.
Baby in hospital is very different from well baby at home.
Yeah but if it's between someone that worked in various baby departments at the hospital and a 21 year old that spent 1 year working at a preschool I'm gonna assume the nurse has better info that she can go off of. At the very least I'm gonna assume the nurse knows enough to make her own registry without needing to get approval on all the items from the preschool teacher.
But you’d be surprised at how many times “turning off and on” actually works AND is overlooked. Yeah it doesn’t fix everything but when frusterated people do tend to overlook the simple or obvious.
>But you’d be surprised at how many times “turning off and on” actually works AND is overlooked
when you're dealing with someone who barely knows what a computer is and how it works, yes. not when that someone has been the computer's primary caretaker for 3 whole months.
To be fair I find that super annoying - asking the reasons she can’t get him to settle like she doesn’t know her child.
I would much prefer “I’m sorry, how can we help?”
And babies that age will not settle until they’ve given up on being able to get back in the womb for the moment.
That’s what they want. They don’t want this diaper/clothing/gravity bullshit. They don’t want to have to learn to bottle/breast feed. They want to go back where it was always the perfect temperature, it was pleasantly dark, and all of their needs were met immediately.
There’s no magic trick, no innate knowledge older adults have that will solve this problem. They just have to accept that they can’t go back. And that’s hard. So they’re pretty understandably pissed off about it.
There is also ZERO way to know if a baby has a tummy ache. There’s no way to tell at that age. You’re guessing and throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. A lot of times, nothing sticks.
“does he have a tummy ache?”
“i don’t know, let me ask him! THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION.”
That doesn't answer the question. If Mary is constantly given unsolicited advice or is asked the obvious questions that she's already checked for, it's a given that she would get irritated with you and your family.
Is it possible she’s just venting and wanting a sympathetic ear? Most moms - even new ones - know or quickly figure out to check if the baby has a tummy ache, etc. Sometimes you also need to know if a person is calling for a sympathetic friend or for advice.
Info
>Lyla asked for the baby registry for Eve and stated that she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy.
So what was the problem here that you felt the need to stand up for? I get where you believe she's inplying that Eve doesn't know what she should be asking for, but Lyla could have just as easily meant she would ask Mary what she thought was the best thing to buy off the registry. Did Lyla outright say anything negative?
Mary's response and her whole attitude in general makes her the asshole, but I really don't see how this statement was the one that broke the camel's back for you.
Nta. What you said wasn't even that bad. It's just that no one ever puts Mary in her place. She's 21 years old. Why does she have a superiority complex? People can put whatever they want on their baby registry. Who has the right to question it? She's messed up. If she's unhappy with you, she withholds her child from you.
I’m so confused. It seems totally natural to say something like “I’ll ask another person who recently had a baby what they found the most useful” before choosing what to buy. My youngest is 14, shit has changed… I recently bought a baby gift for a family friend and I called up another friend to find out if there was something new and snazzy that she loved when she had a baby last year.
Personally, I would stay out of it. Just don’t engage. You don’t need to call her on anything.
I also want to know what the difference in opinions were that caused her to threaten to keep her baby away.
NTA. Mary is the child by her actions. A baby having a baby is what I’d call this situation. Eve is a well-educated ADULT, with the life experience alone to know what her baby needs may be. It is so disrespectful of Layla and Mary to dismiss her opinion on her registry as if they know better.
NTA if someone is always trash talking a love one then I wouldn’t be around them. I think it would be best to just remove yourself from the group chat so you don’t see it. Stop interacting and allow your husband to handle his daughter. I have met new moms like this and it’s best to give them space while they figure it out. I had a friend like this whom trash talked most of the friend group that had friends already and thought she was the best parent. We just went LC with her and wondered why no one would babysit. No one wants to watch or talk to a mom with a million rules unless it’s allergies or medical.
She’s kind of come back around now that she’s had the 2nd kid and admits she was a little crazy during that time.
You can parent the way you like, but don’t call other people’s name because they do what you want for their child.
ESH obviously Mary has a problem. Your only AH move is that somehow you think you can change Mary. You don’t need to care what gifts are given to Eve or by whom. She will return them if she doesn’t want them. It’s up to Eve to shut Mary down not you. Do not engage in conversation on any topic she has to have the last word in. If she is going to use the child for enteral blackmail then your husband needs to deal with that. Stay out of it.
Soft yta - It really wasn't your place to get in the middle of this argument. You weren't going to win. And you know that this puts your husband in a position where his access to his granddaughter might be jeopardized. It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter, but you should back away from these kinds of arguments unless you have spoken with your husband and he is okay with what you are doing. You and your husband need to be on the same page on how you treat her.
First, I don’t get the issue. Lyla wants to consult with her daughter about what baby shower gift to buy. So what? It’s one gift off the registry. Why does that warrant any response other than, “Oh, good idea!”? I’m sure other guests will buy other gifts from the registry.
Second, butt out of your husband’s relationship with his daughter. Just be neutral or, when she annoys you, gray rock her. If you have a problem with her, take yourself out of the scenario and discuss it with your husband _later_. If she weaponizes her child against her father let him deal with it. Support him in whatever he decides to do, as long as it doesn’t harm you or your relationship.
Mary sounds like a difficult person but unsolicited advice for new parents is really annoying so I understand her not wanting it. She also gets to set rules about her own baby, nothing weird about that. Also I don't see the point of trying to make Mary understand Eve's competence regarding babies. You shouldn't kow-tow to Mary but I think there's some unnecessary back and forth happening with her. Stop seeing her so much, can't your husband visit her alone?
She sounds exhausting. Just stop offering advice. She doesn’t want it so stop. Stop discussing Eve with her. She’s not going to listen and it will only drag out her arguments.
Even many reasonable people don’t like, want, appreciate, follow unsolicited advice. It’s always a good idea to keep it to yourself until asked.
You are definitely NTA.
But Mary is. She has been coddled, spoiled, encouraged and never corrected every time she was wrong and refused to listen to other people who were right. She was never challenged about anything, even if she was dangerously wrong, and everyone else has been forced to never mention their opinions or what they knew to be true because if they did, she would fly off the handle and get beyond nasty and obnoxious.
I’ve been a parent for 15 years and when I tell you, that child is gonna grow up and show her that she doesn’t, in fact, know everything. Everyone’s a great parent 5 minutes in. NTA.
ESH. Your bias is hugely obvious here. And being a Physician’s Assistant is NOT evidence of extensive paediatric expertise. Being honest, you’d probably pick up more information as a nurse with a full degree. Sorry but there is currently a huge backlash because actually she’s right, a PA is a million miles from being an adequate replacement for a qualified doctor.
Having said that, it’s ridiculous that Mary thinks she gets any say on any other new mother’s registry
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Throwaway account to avoid stirring up trouble. My stepdaughter, Mary (21f) has always been rather difficult to deal with. Since she was a pre-teen she has thought she knows everything and she's very combative and vocal about her, often wrong, opinions. She will not listen to anyone else about anything. Her mother, Lyla will walk on eggshells around her and never contradicts anything Mary says and she expects everyone else to do the same.
Mary has worked about a year in a preschool, with mostly preschool children. She recently gave birth to her first child, Eddie (3 months). All throughout her pregnancy, she made rules that we must all follow, argued with any advice that anyone tried to give her because she knows everything. There were times when I thought she was just arguing to argue. She threatened my husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion.
Our neice, Eve (37f) is a Physician's Assistant and in the past worked in the labor and delivery part of the hospital as a nurse. She was also pregnant the same time as Mary. Her baby was born yesterday. Mary has made several disparaging comments about Eve during this time. It's frustrating because Eve couldn't possibly be a more wonderful person.
Lyla asked for the baby registry for Eve and stated that she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy. I'm so tired of tiptoeing around Mary's fragile ego that I reminded them that Eve is a PA and has been around babies for many, many years and I didn't think she needed Mary's approval on what to buy. Mary's immediate response was, "NOPE! Straight up she doesn't know, you don't know until you have a baby. She only has experience with newborns who sleep."
We tried to explain that she was a resident in Peds in the hospital, she knows plenty about babies. But the responses from Mary were just rude, things like, "Nurses know where veins are, how to prick them and then hand babies back to moms." We tried to explain that they could probably both learn from each other and that Mary, in her 3 months as a parent doesn't know everything.
Now she has said that she's keeping the baby away from from us because she feels as though she's been compared with other people, her brother who is 12 years older than her and now Eve her whole life. This is completely untrue and we weren't comparing the two. So, AITA for speaking up about Eve being capable of taking care of a baby without needing Mary's approval? This is has been so blown up.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for speaking up to defend Eve, even knowing that once again Mary might take my husband's (our) visitation rights away for her baby.
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You may not be able to see his grandchild for years, but eventually the kid is going to see just how full of shit their mom is and why they drive everyone away. This is the type of parent who will wonder why their child no longer has a any contact with them.
NTA but maybe for the sake of your husband's relationship with his grandchild, you should just keep Mary at arm's length. Give Lyla the registry so she can clear the gifts with Mary or whatever, and stay out of it.
Meanwhile, buy Eve whatever she'd like and hang out with them when you can. she sounds like a more fun person to have a relationship with.
I’m going to skip a bunch of this because you skip details and don’t give a full picture of the situation. What are the rules she asked for? You have judged her since she was a pre-teen and whether it was true then or not you realize this could have led to her being defensive because she’s often accused of this? Because you feel this way you realize you have a strong bias towards what she says? Are people not allowed to make rules for people to follow for being around their kids or in their home? Anyway, why didn’t you butt out and make your husband deal with it? ESH.
If someone uses their child to get their own way, it’s not worth dealing with them. I won’t walk around on eggshells.
When she cuts you off, it might be a blessing in disguise. She doesn’t care about hurting her kid, she only cares about herself.
NTA
But if you’ve known her since she was 2 why have all of you not addressed her behaviour ! Like seriously - she sounds quite mean and horrible, and you just ket that behaviour just slide ?
NTA but I don't think this is your fight. It's Eve's and your husband's. If Mary brings this stuff to you and asks your opinion or wants you to convey information, then you can get involved, but there's no win here for you.
Eventually people like Mary fafo. Don't offer her opinions or advise, she already knows everything. Just let her think what she wants because she is going to anyway.
Mary is so young and inexperienced that she doesn’t even realize that different babies are wildly different. Parenting her baby does NOT give her insider knowledge on what will work with Eve’s baby. Some parents end up using certain supplies that others do not, and the same parents end up needing different things for their second and third child. All children are different. At three months of parenting, she really knows very little about parenting, anyway. NTA.
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NTA, buy you're never going to win with Mary. She will not listen to any of you. The only way she might learn anything is if EVERYONE washes their hands of her and she has nobody in her life. Since that will never happen, she wins. It's probably time for you to stay out of her life and let her parents deal with her.
I have a daughter and son-in-law who think they are perfect, anything leads to the threat of "we won't let you near the grandchildren". I told my wife they will find some reason sooner or later, I was right. To hell with them, I sorely miss the grandchildren, they will sorely miss their 7 figure inheritance. Two years after the break we changed our will, their portion will go to a political organization they hate. The grandchildren will get treated nicely, but if they are under 21, their parents won't be the trustees.
NTA. I get wanting to finally put someone like this in their place. However, since your husband is now being punished for it you could try to rectify it by telling her that you two have your own opinions and while you stick to what you said, you only speak for yourself and not for him.
NTA and this does not seem like a loss at all. The headaches from dealing with Mary sound like enough. And if she ever comes asking for something but keeps the grandbaby away, then remind her that she chose to walk away.
NTA but I would take about 20 steps back from her. Let your husband have whatever relationship he wants, you can be extremely low contact with her. She sounds very difficult to be around.
Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. Agree with her only on things that affect her. Just shrug when she’s being rude or offensive and if she asks say, opinions vary, then walk away.
ESH. Let her make herself look like an asshole without your help. This is a lose/lose, so just stay out of it and focus on your own relationships with Eve and your husband. If you don’t want to see anymore of Lyla’s opinions, snooze or exit the chat. Your husband and her mother can deal with her withholding her child.
NTA
But you're not going to win with a person like that. I wouldn't be capable of being around her at all, she sounds utterly insufferable. Tell your husband he can maintain his relationship with his daughter and grandchild however he likes, but you have no interest in being around her and her superiority complex. And then just block her out of your head. Let the mention of her name be like white noise. If you're around her, don't get drawn into discussions and politely excuse yourself if she is brought up. It will be much more peaceful.
YTA - I think people should be kinder to PP new mums.
Even when they're being AHs.
She's never been a 'nice person' don't expect that to change when she's under pressure. she's still a mother to a vulnerable wee person, who will likely need plenty of supportive adults around them growing up.
NTA, I hear you! I've got one of those in my family. there will always be a reason for her to snatch baby visiting rights if anyone challenges her authority. if you cow down now it will never end. it may never end regardless. I just wouldn't engage with her. avoidance and pretending to listen have been my saving grace
NTA - Mary needs a come-to-Jesus talking to. You guys can't just keep hoping that one day you won't say the wrong thing to this wacky dingbat and she then decides to withhold the baby. That's just sheer mental torture. You and your husband, possibly even Lyla as well, need to spell that out to her.
That being said, I realize that it may seem like you're agreeing with Mary if you don't say anything when she shit-talks Eve, but seriously just end the conversation right there and go on with your day when she starts in with that line of nonsense. You are not required to defend Eve. No doubt, Eve knows you have her back.
This is without a doubt incredibly frustrating and I wish you the best. Your husband needs to be very blunt with Mary and Lyla mommy has done nothing to stop this BS which allowed Mary to become an entitled mouthpiece for anything and everything. She needs to step up for once and be united with your husband on this.
Ughhh. I probably would have put her in her place when she was 2 and never ever would have had such a problem.
Boundaries.
NTA. I don't understand all those people who say OP shouldn't have said anything, and just let Eve be insulted and disparaged by Mary. Just like everyone else has always done. Everyone has been enabling that monster for far too long
It's time to tell Monster Mary to shut the effe up.
She withholds her spawn from people? Great, people won't have to babysit for her or do anything for her at all! She asks anyone for favours, it's a resounding NO.
Stop humouring her.
YTA in this case you blew it out of proportion, you could’ve just answered the question and let Eve answer for herself. You sound just as obnoxious as you’re making your stepdad out to be.
People who withhold their children as revenge in this way are abusing their children. Children deserve to be surrounded by as many loving people as possible in their lives.
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NTA, but Christ, what has actually been done to knock your stepdaughter down a few pegs so she’s humbled and understands that she is not as knowledgeable as she thinks? Her superiority complex is out of control and will only continue to be bad, and potentially get worse, now that she has a kid. Her misguided actions could potentially harm her kid.
There is no winning here. Mary sounds crazy and will find will always find something. She sounds jealous and insecure. It sounds like the squeaky has been getting grease somewhere. Disengage asap. I would probably have errands to run every time or chores to do every time she enters the room. Also think about finding out about grandparents rights with a lawyer, since she threatened your husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion.
NTA. Listen, you're probably not going to win with her, but I'd still try. Her mother has tiptoed around her bullshit her entire life and it sounds like everyone else has, as well. That a big mistake. The whole damn family needs to start pushing back and putting her in her place. Immediately. Will she keep the baby from you all? Yes. Will that last? Almost definitely no. I'm guessing with that winning personality, she doesn't have many friends. She'll need someone to watch her kid at some point and bring the baby around.
Here's how this usually goes: people like her who use the grandkids to get what they want, will threaten this repeatedly until the kids are grown. Ya'll can ride that Rollercoaster if you want, or you can get off the ride now. Take that power from her. It's better to do it now and not just for your sakes, but for that babies. Because you understand why she yanks them from you when she's not pleased, but they don't, and it's the little ones who suffer.
To me it sounds like a lot of built up stuff spilling over. Either way, I don’t condone the ultimatum bs that the stepdaughter had pulled in the past. OP should defer to her husband on this stuff, but it all just sounds like a trainwreck.
Yes, this is a grand build up over months and months of shit talking about Eve, who she has barely spoken to in years. I had had enough. She has said so many ridiculous things. She has told her father at least 3 times throughout her pregnancy that she would keep him from seeing the baby whenever he even slightly disagreed with her.
Why is your husband accepting this kind of treatment? I wouldn't want to always be worried about what I say just in case my unhinged child decides that today's comment from me is enough of a reason for her to withhold the grandchild from me unless I apologise. I wouldn't let anyone manipulate my behaviour like this.
Have you and your husband tried just playing her game, where you make the rules about behaviour and if SHE acts obnoxiously and vindictively and manipulatively .and rude, that you don't want her around? Especially in your own home you don't have to accept that kind of behaviour from anyone.
I think if this is the only example of your not walking on eggshells then YTA
You picked a fight There was no reason to add your comment. She wasn’t attacking Eve in any way.
I’m sure your stepdaughter is annoying but it sounds like you wanted this fight.
I guess I didn't explain enough that during their whole time being pregnant, Mary has made many comments that Eve doesn't know what she's doing. This is not the first time comments like this have been made. Mary thinks she's superior.
And yet, what is your business to argue with her on behalf of Eve when it results in issues for your husband? You and your husband have to be on the same page about how you treat her and how you deal with her. Yes, she may be difficult, but he has to agree because he's the one who has to suffer the consequences of not seeing his daughter and grandchild because of how you treat his daughter
YTA.
Your main complaint is that Mary wouldn't take YOUR advice about her pregnancy. The gift issue is basically "I want to check with my daughter about what items she thinks were most helpful with a newborn" and you took offense. Mary is right about that, you don't know what you need until you know what you need. I got plenty of useless items for my first child. Most were donated after one use or never being used. There was nothing wrong with Lyla's statement and yet you doubled-down.
You are right that Mary doesn't know everything, but you don't either. None of us do. My kids are adults now, I don't know everything.
Except Eve herself put the registry together and Mary doesn't know nor does she get a say on what Eve needs for her own baby better than eve herself .
NTA
ESH
Sorry, but you were involved in Mary's life since she was 2 years old and she turned out this obnoxiously, so you as one of the parents must've also dropped the ball. Where is your husband in all of this?
But no way should you or your husband tolerate Mary's threats to keep her child from you, just because she's been told 'no' or you guys said something she didn't like or she thought you/your husband said something she doesn't like. If Mary would want to keep you and your husband out of her life, she should just do it and not make empty threats. You and your husband can't build a proper relationship with your grand child when Mary is constantly holding that over your heads as a way to manipulate/police your behaviour. She either accepts you as family and has you in her life, or she decides she doesn't want you all in her life but should then just go LC or NC with you all.
YTA. Cool, you don't like Mary. That's perfectly valid. She's allowed to disagree with you and vice versa. Different opinions aren't necessarily 'wrong'; tbh it sounds like you're both actually quite strong willed and that's why you're butting heads.
In any case, why mix in when Lyla says she wants to talk to Mary about gifts? That's her call; it doesn't impact you at all. Why feel the need to comment? It feels like you took offence on your neice's behalf, which just isn't necessary.
Tbh the way you talk about Eve vs Mary makes me wonder if Mary actually has picked up on something here; she sounds a bit jealous, or perhaps feels inadequate in relation to Eve. Eve is clearly your favourite, so perhaps Mary isn't wrong on this one.
ESH
It may be true that Mary has been difficult and has been a know-it-all but in this case you were dismissing the fact that Mary does have a lot of information that could have been helpful.
Yes, Eve, has a great deal of knowledge about caring for a newborn but the issue in question is what are the best items to specify for a baby shower registry.
Working in a hospital would not tell Eve which carseat was the safest or which swing had the best reviews or what is a well-priced stroller that is easy to assemble. A new mom often researches these items or gains knowledge about items by using them. It sounds like Mary can be difficult and she was totally wrong to make disparaging comments about Eve, but you were wrong to dismiss Mary's contributions.
No, but again, Eve is 37 and this was a planned pregnancy, she's very much an intelligent adult woman. She also did her research on things she would need, the same as Mary and most all new Moms do. The inference that Mary is always making is that Eve is basically stupid.
That may be how you feel but Layla may think that Mary has valuable information to offer given the fact that she has purchased and used the items in question and that may be the reason that she asked her. It's not saying that Eve is not capable of doing her own research, she may just see it as a shortcut to answers.
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Do I think you’re an asshole? No. Do I think there is any winning with this type of people? Huge nope. I think you should defer to your husband on this in the future. It’s his ex, daughter, granddaughter involved in the situation.
This is the only answer. There is no winning with these types of people, and they live for the fight. Disengage ASAP.
I concur. Best advice for OP is to just stay out of it.
That is what disengage means, is it not?
Yes, I was agreeing with their statement.
Ah, so concur means agree? Is it just a fancy word or is there a difference?
There is absolutely no reason to engage. OP already knows how this will go. Since they have been in Mary’s life since 2, why even have this discussion? Who cares what she says about Eve? Soft YTA because OP knows better than to engage
I don't think it deserves a Y T A because OP was trying to come to the defence of Eve, in the family group chat. Sure, engaging would only lead to more arguments, but also maybe Eve appreciates knowing some people have her back when her cousin keeps making rude comments about her parenting choices.
So what? Must she also kiss Mary s @ss like the rest of the family? Should they let her spread bs and threaten them with never seeing the baby if someone disagrees with her moronic arguments? If her parents stood up to this long ago, maybe she wouldn't end up being an insufferable AH OP, you don't need to be around her or put with her. I would walk away the minute she starts talking NTA
>Do I think there is any winning with this type of people? Huge nope OP, it's understandable because you have known Mary since she was 2, that you are very involved in her life, and potentially because of custody agreements between you husband and his ex you have be able to have a more balanced view of Mary's personality. It's because you have been in Mary's life a long time that you should realize she isn't going to change. I am sure that you or your husband and potentially her mother have made fruitless attempts as she was growing up to curb the know-it-all attitude. I am sure her teachers, coaches, or managers have also tried to curb it. I think you said the conversation happened in a group text. I don't know how extended the family is and how much the group text is used, but it might be easier to have conversations with the intended recipient one on one, then there is no walking on eggshells. For instance, the ex-wife wanted the baby registry of the niece said in the group chat, just text the ex-wife directly with the info. I would hope she wouldn't make a remark about needing to check with Mary with you in a private conversation. I know I would have reacted the same way as you did. Don't think of it as letting Mary get away with her nonsense (sooner or later, her attitude will bite her in the ass). Think of it as helping to facilitate and maintain the relationship your husband has with his very difficult daughter. You are certainly NTA.
INFO > she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy. > I didn't think she needed Mary's approval on what to buy. > "NOPE! Straight up she doesn't know, you don't know until you have a baby. She only has experience with newborns who sleep." I don't understand this interaction. Doesn't know *what*? What is the **nature of the concern** here? Are they implying that Eve is asking for items that might be \*unsafe\* for a newborn?
They're implying that she doesn't know what she needs and that she's asking for stuff that Mary didn't personally like.
Unfortunately for Mary, she doesn't get a vote to choose what Eve asks for. Eve is obviously much older and more mature than Mary and also has a degree and license as a physicians assistant. She actually DOES know A LOT more than Mary does about babies and what they need and how to keep them safe and healthy.
Yes. But Mary doesn't give a single fuck about Eve's credentials.
So, first NTA. But if Lyla and Mary want to second guess Eve and Lyla is deferring to Mary. That’s silly, but also not your problem. You don’t need to step on eggshells, there’s no point in engaging crazy people tho.
I don’t know why you care. Just let her buy something and give it to Eve. Eve will return or toss it if she doesn’t need it. You have to get out of the middle - it’s really not your concern.
These comments are wild NTA call her on her bluff. She does these things because they work.
Info: can you give us examples of the rules she set ?
Yeah, do you get the idea it’s things like “don’t kiss the baby” or “don’t smoke around me?”
I do - especially since she isn’t answering but replied to everyone else
Lmao main character syndrome, bud. OP has responded to a comparative handful of this thread. You're not being exclusively singled out. You're making up a perceived slight to justify thinking what you want to think.
What? Are you ok? It’s perfectly normal for people to avoid the questions they don’t want to answer. You see it all the time on this sub. It’s been asked several times and not answered. But whatever- doesn’t matter. I have my opinion and you have yours.
Kinda irrelevant since that's not what the conflict is about.
>She threatened my husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion INFO: what was the "difference in opinion" in question?
INFO Did Mary ask for any advice from your family or was it just given? Seems like there's more issues than what's being said in the post. This whole post is a mess.
I stopped giving her advice a long time ago. But when she says things like, "I can't get him to settle down", we'll ask if she has checked to see if he's teething or could he have a tummy ache and she gets mad and and argues. So we stopped even asking questions.
>"I can't get him to settle down", we'll ask if she has checked to see if he's teething or could he have a tummy ache i don't have kids, i don't plan to have kids in the foreseeable future (or possibly ever) and i'm not interested in anything to do with kids, and even *i* know that teething and/or tummy ache are like the two major reasons a baby this young may be crying. you're literally doing the childcare equivalent of saying "have you tried turning it off and back on?" to someone working in IT. no wonder she gets irritated.
The woman thinks that someone that worked in a hospital with newborns for years can't make her own registry cause she doesn't know what she needs for a baby. I'd be hesitant to believe she'd know to check for those things. Plus in the stress of caring for a newborn it's entirely possible to forget to check for something, no matter how obvious it may be. That's part of why children and infants getting trapped in a how car is so dangerous. No matter how common knowledge it is or how long they've been a parent, stress can make it easy to forget a very widely known thing. Eta- there are also people that are lacking an incredible amount of common sense and don't do any of their own research because they think they know everything and that their personal opinions are facts. I'm getting the vibe that Mary is that type of person.
To be fair, I'm a hospital peadiatrician who spends a lot of time on NICU and the postnatal ward. I'm currently pregnant with my first and have no idea what I actually need. I'm getting a lot of input from my parents and the internet and sometimes listening sometimes going my own way. But I don't what I'm doing. Baby in hospital is very different from well baby at home.
Yeah but if it's between someone that worked in various baby departments at the hospital and a 21 year old that spent 1 year working at a preschool I'm gonna assume the nurse has better info that she can go off of. At the very least I'm gonna assume the nurse knows enough to make her own registry without needing to get approval on all the items from the preschool teacher.
But you’d be surprised at how many times “turning off and on” actually works AND is overlooked. Yeah it doesn’t fix everything but when frusterated people do tend to overlook the simple or obvious.
>But you’d be surprised at how many times “turning off and on” actually works AND is overlooked when you're dealing with someone who barely knows what a computer is and how it works, yes. not when that someone has been the computer's primary caretaker for 3 whole months.
Love that analogy
To be fair I find that super annoying - asking the reasons she can’t get him to settle like she doesn’t know her child. I would much prefer “I’m sorry, how can we help?”
And babies that age will not settle until they’ve given up on being able to get back in the womb for the moment. That’s what they want. They don’t want this diaper/clothing/gravity bullshit. They don’t want to have to learn to bottle/breast feed. They want to go back where it was always the perfect temperature, it was pleasantly dark, and all of their needs were met immediately. There’s no magic trick, no innate knowledge older adults have that will solve this problem. They just have to accept that they can’t go back. And that’s hard. So they’re pretty understandably pissed off about it. There is also ZERO way to know if a baby has a tummy ache. There’s no way to tell at that age. You’re guessing and throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. A lot of times, nothing sticks. “does he have a tummy ache?” “i don’t know, let me ask him! THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION.”
That doesn't answer the question. If Mary is constantly given unsolicited advice or is asked the obvious questions that she's already checked for, it's a given that she would get irritated with you and your family.
Is it possible she’s just venting and wanting a sympathetic ear? Most moms - even new ones - know or quickly figure out to check if the baby has a tummy ache, etc. Sometimes you also need to know if a person is calling for a sympathetic friend or for advice.
Info >Lyla asked for the baby registry for Eve and stated that she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy. So what was the problem here that you felt the need to stand up for? I get where you believe she's inplying that Eve doesn't know what she should be asking for, but Lyla could have just as easily meant she would ask Mary what she thought was the best thing to buy off the registry. Did Lyla outright say anything negative? Mary's response and her whole attitude in general makes her the asshole, but I really don't see how this statement was the one that broke the camel's back for you.
Nta. What you said wasn't even that bad. It's just that no one ever puts Mary in her place. She's 21 years old. Why does she have a superiority complex? People can put whatever they want on their baby registry. Who has the right to question it? She's messed up. If she's unhappy with you, she withholds her child from you.
I’m so confused. It seems totally natural to say something like “I’ll ask another person who recently had a baby what they found the most useful” before choosing what to buy. My youngest is 14, shit has changed… I recently bought a baby gift for a family friend and I called up another friend to find out if there was something new and snazzy that she loved when she had a baby last year. Personally, I would stay out of it. Just don’t engage. You don’t need to call her on anything. I also want to know what the difference in opinions were that caused her to threaten to keep her baby away.
NTA. Mary is the child by her actions. A baby having a baby is what I’d call this situation. Eve is a well-educated ADULT, with the life experience alone to know what her baby needs may be. It is so disrespectful of Layla and Mary to dismiss her opinion on her registry as if they know better.
If Lyla wants to get her daughter's opinion on what to buy why does it matter to you? You're the one who blew it out of proportion.
NTA if someone is always trash talking a love one then I wouldn’t be around them. I think it would be best to just remove yourself from the group chat so you don’t see it. Stop interacting and allow your husband to handle his daughter. I have met new moms like this and it’s best to give them space while they figure it out. I had a friend like this whom trash talked most of the friend group that had friends already and thought she was the best parent. We just went LC with her and wondered why no one would babysit. No one wants to watch or talk to a mom with a million rules unless it’s allergies or medical. She’s kind of come back around now that she’s had the 2nd kid and admits she was a little crazy during that time. You can parent the way you like, but don’t call other people’s name because they do what you want for their child.
Nta. Leave her be. She will contact you when she needs something. Enjoy the peace and solitude without her.
ESH obviously Mary has a problem. Your only AH move is that somehow you think you can change Mary. You don’t need to care what gifts are given to Eve or by whom. She will return them if she doesn’t want them. It’s up to Eve to shut Mary down not you. Do not engage in conversation on any topic she has to have the last word in. If she is going to use the child for enteral blackmail then your husband needs to deal with that. Stay out of it.
Soft yta - It really wasn't your place to get in the middle of this argument. You weren't going to win. And you know that this puts your husband in a position where his access to his granddaughter might be jeopardized. It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter, but you should back away from these kinds of arguments unless you have spoken with your husband and he is okay with what you are doing. You and your husband need to be on the same page on how you treat her.
First, I don’t get the issue. Lyla wants to consult with her daughter about what baby shower gift to buy. So what? It’s one gift off the registry. Why does that warrant any response other than, “Oh, good idea!”? I’m sure other guests will buy other gifts from the registry. Second, butt out of your husband’s relationship with his daughter. Just be neutral or, when she annoys you, gray rock her. If you have a problem with her, take yourself out of the scenario and discuss it with your husband _later_. If she weaponizes her child against her father let him deal with it. Support him in whatever he decides to do, as long as it doesn’t harm you or your relationship.
NTA. And I think it is time for you not to be around Mary anymore.
Your step daughter is not your circus - let your husband deal with her. I wish you all peace and quiet.
Mary sounds like a difficult person but unsolicited advice for new parents is really annoying so I understand her not wanting it. She also gets to set rules about her own baby, nothing weird about that. Also I don't see the point of trying to make Mary understand Eve's competence regarding babies. You shouldn't kow-tow to Mary but I think there's some unnecessary back and forth happening with her. Stop seeing her so much, can't your husband visit her alone?
She sounds exhausting. Just stop offering advice. She doesn’t want it so stop. Stop discussing Eve with her. She’s not going to listen and it will only drag out her arguments. Even many reasonable people don’t like, want, appreciate, follow unsolicited advice. It’s always a good idea to keep it to yourself until asked.
You are definitely NTA. But Mary is. She has been coddled, spoiled, encouraged and never corrected every time she was wrong and refused to listen to other people who were right. She was never challenged about anything, even if she was dangerously wrong, and everyone else has been forced to never mention their opinions or what they knew to be true because if they did, she would fly off the handle and get beyond nasty and obnoxious.
I’ve been a parent for 15 years and when I tell you, that child is gonna grow up and show her that she doesn’t, in fact, know everything. Everyone’s a great parent 5 minutes in. NTA.
ESH. Your bias is hugely obvious here. And being a Physician’s Assistant is NOT evidence of extensive paediatric expertise. Being honest, you’d probably pick up more information as a nurse with a full degree. Sorry but there is currently a huge backlash because actually she’s right, a PA is a million miles from being an adequate replacement for a qualified doctor. Having said that, it’s ridiculous that Mary thinks she gets any say on any other new mother’s registry
If Mary stays away, take it as a win. Life is just too short. Mary was going to find some reason to keep the baby away even without your comment. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account to avoid stirring up trouble. My stepdaughter, Mary (21f) has always been rather difficult to deal with. Since she was a pre-teen she has thought she knows everything and she's very combative and vocal about her, often wrong, opinions. She will not listen to anyone else about anything. Her mother, Lyla will walk on eggshells around her and never contradicts anything Mary says and she expects everyone else to do the same. Mary has worked about a year in a preschool, with mostly preschool children. She recently gave birth to her first child, Eddie (3 months). All throughout her pregnancy, she made rules that we must all follow, argued with any advice that anyone tried to give her because she knows everything. There were times when I thought she was just arguing to argue. She threatened my husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion. Our neice, Eve (37f) is a Physician's Assistant and in the past worked in the labor and delivery part of the hospital as a nurse. She was also pregnant the same time as Mary. Her baby was born yesterday. Mary has made several disparaging comments about Eve during this time. It's frustrating because Eve couldn't possibly be a more wonderful person. Lyla asked for the baby registry for Eve and stated that she would have to check with Mary on what items she should buy. I'm so tired of tiptoeing around Mary's fragile ego that I reminded them that Eve is a PA and has been around babies for many, many years and I didn't think she needed Mary's approval on what to buy. Mary's immediate response was, "NOPE! Straight up she doesn't know, you don't know until you have a baby. She only has experience with newborns who sleep." We tried to explain that she was a resident in Peds in the hospital, she knows plenty about babies. But the responses from Mary were just rude, things like, "Nurses know where veins are, how to prick them and then hand babies back to moms." We tried to explain that they could probably both learn from each other and that Mary, in her 3 months as a parent doesn't know everything. Now she has said that she's keeping the baby away from from us because she feels as though she's been compared with other people, her brother who is 12 years older than her and now Eve her whole life. This is completely untrue and we weren't comparing the two. So, AITA for speaking up about Eve being capable of taking care of a baby without needing Mary's approval? This is has been so blown up. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Good for you to not allow her to dictate your behavior, especially through emotional manipulation and weaponizing her child.
You may not be able to see his grandchild for years, but eventually the kid is going to see just how full of shit their mom is and why they drive everyone away. This is the type of parent who will wonder why their child no longer has a any contact with them.
YTA
NTA but maybe for the sake of your husband's relationship with his grandchild, you should just keep Mary at arm's length. Give Lyla the registry so she can clear the gifts with Mary or whatever, and stay out of it. Meanwhile, buy Eve whatever she'd like and hang out with them when you can. she sounds like a more fun person to have a relationship with.
NTA but why are you engaging in this discussion? Mary sounds insufferable so why waste the mental energy to talk about this with her?
NTA she is too much. I’d be glad to have space from a person like that. She is literally using her child as a manipulation tool.
I’m going to skip a bunch of this because you skip details and don’t give a full picture of the situation. What are the rules she asked for? You have judged her since she was a pre-teen and whether it was true then or not you realize this could have led to her being defensive because she’s often accused of this? Because you feel this way you realize you have a strong bias towards what she says? Are people not allowed to make rules for people to follow for being around their kids or in their home? Anyway, why didn’t you butt out and make your husband deal with it? ESH.
If someone uses their child to get their own way, it’s not worth dealing with them. I won’t walk around on eggshells. When she cuts you off, it might be a blessing in disguise. She doesn’t care about hurting her kid, she only cares about herself.
Have nothing to do with Mary and develop a relationship with Eve
NTA But if you’ve known her since she was 2 why have all of you not addressed her behaviour ! Like seriously - she sounds quite mean and horrible, and you just ket that behaviour just slide ?
NTA but I don't think this is your fight. It's Eve's and your husband's. If Mary brings this stuff to you and asks your opinion or wants you to convey information, then you can get involved, but there's no win here for you.
I'd steer clear of her at every opportunity and leave her to your spouse.
Eventually people like Mary fafo. Don't offer her opinions or advise, she already knows everything. Just let her think what she wants because she is going to anyway.
Mary is so young and inexperienced that she doesn’t even realize that different babies are wildly different. Parenting her baby does NOT give her insider knowledge on what will work with Eve’s baby. Some parents end up using certain supplies that others do not, and the same parents end up needing different things for their second and third child. All children are different. At three months of parenting, she really knows very little about parenting, anyway. NTA.
NTA but go spend time with Eva to give support instead. Your husband can deal with your stepdaughter and eggshells imo.
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NTA, buy you're never going to win with Mary. She will not listen to any of you. The only way she might learn anything is if EVERYONE washes their hands of her and she has nobody in her life. Since that will never happen, she wins. It's probably time for you to stay out of her life and let her parents deal with her.
I have a daughter and son-in-law who think they are perfect, anything leads to the threat of "we won't let you near the grandchildren". I told my wife they will find some reason sooner or later, I was right. To hell with them, I sorely miss the grandchildren, they will sorely miss their 7 figure inheritance. Two years after the break we changed our will, their portion will go to a political organization they hate. The grandchildren will get treated nicely, but if they are under 21, their parents won't be the trustees.
NTA. I get wanting to finally put someone like this in their place. However, since your husband is now being punished for it you could try to rectify it by telling her that you two have your own opinions and while you stick to what you said, you only speak for yourself and not for him.
NTA and this does not seem like a loss at all. The headaches from dealing with Mary sound like enough. And if she ever comes asking for something but keeps the grandbaby away, then remind her that she chose to walk away.
NTA but I would take about 20 steps back from her. Let your husband have whatever relationship he wants, you can be extremely low contact with her. She sounds very difficult to be around.
Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. Agree with her only on things that affect her. Just shrug when she’s being rude or offensive and if she asks say, opinions vary, then walk away.
ESH. Let her make herself look like an asshole without your help. This is a lose/lose, so just stay out of it and focus on your own relationships with Eve and your husband. If you don’t want to see anymore of Lyla’s opinions, snooze or exit the chat. Your husband and her mother can deal with her withholding her child.
NTA But you're not going to win with a person like that. I wouldn't be capable of being around her at all, she sounds utterly insufferable. Tell your husband he can maintain his relationship with his daughter and grandchild however he likes, but you have no interest in being around her and her superiority complex. And then just block her out of your head. Let the mention of her name be like white noise. If you're around her, don't get drawn into discussions and politely excuse yourself if she is brought up. It will be much more peaceful.
YTA - I think people should be kinder to PP new mums. Even when they're being AHs. She's never been a 'nice person' don't expect that to change when she's under pressure. she's still a mother to a vulnerable wee person, who will likely need plenty of supportive adults around them growing up.
NTA
NTA lol I would say it’s good riddance. Life is so much more pleasant without batshit crazy people in it
NTA, I hear you! I've got one of those in my family. there will always be a reason for her to snatch baby visiting rights if anyone challenges her authority. if you cow down now it will never end. it may never end regardless. I just wouldn't engage with her. avoidance and pretending to listen have been my saving grace
NTA - Mary needs a come-to-Jesus talking to. You guys can't just keep hoping that one day you won't say the wrong thing to this wacky dingbat and she then decides to withhold the baby. That's just sheer mental torture. You and your husband, possibly even Lyla as well, need to spell that out to her. That being said, I realize that it may seem like you're agreeing with Mary if you don't say anything when she shit-talks Eve, but seriously just end the conversation right there and go on with your day when she starts in with that line of nonsense. You are not required to defend Eve. No doubt, Eve knows you have her back. This is without a doubt incredibly frustrating and I wish you the best. Your husband needs to be very blunt with Mary and Lyla mommy has done nothing to stop this BS which allowed Mary to become an entitled mouthpiece for anything and everything. She needs to step up for once and be united with your husband on this. Ughhh. I probably would have put her in her place when she was 2 and never ever would have had such a problem. Boundaries.
NTA But you all should straight up ignore her. People like her cant stand being ignored.
NTA. I don't understand all those people who say OP shouldn't have said anything, and just let Eve be insulted and disparaged by Mary. Just like everyone else has always done. Everyone has been enabling that monster for far too long It's time to tell Monster Mary to shut the effe up. She withholds her spawn from people? Great, people won't have to babysit for her or do anything for her at all! She asks anyone for favours, it's a resounding NO. Stop humouring her.
YTA in this case you blew it out of proportion, you could’ve just answered the question and let Eve answer for herself. You sound just as obnoxious as you’re making your stepdad out to be.
NTA, call Mary on her bs. She won't stop with the threats, let her do it on her own.dont chase her to know her baby.
People who withhold their children as revenge in this way are abusing their children. Children deserve to be surrounded by as many loving people as possible in their lives.
It sounds like there are a lot of things that Mary doesn’t know about. Eve will be just fine without Mary’s guidance.
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In fifteen years I expect to see a Reddit post from Mary's child asking how she can go NC from her mother.
NTA, but Christ, what has actually been done to knock your stepdaughter down a few pegs so she’s humbled and understands that she is not as knowledgeable as she thinks? Her superiority complex is out of control and will only continue to be bad, and potentially get worse, now that she has a kid. Her misguided actions could potentially harm her kid.
There is no winning here. Mary sounds crazy and will find will always find something. She sounds jealous and insecure. It sounds like the squeaky has been getting grease somewhere. Disengage asap. I would probably have errands to run every time or chores to do every time she enters the room. Also think about finding out about grandparents rights with a lawyer, since she threatened your husband, her Dad, with not letting him see the baby whenever there was even the slightest difference in opinion.
NTA. Listen, you're probably not going to win with her, but I'd still try. Her mother has tiptoed around her bullshit her entire life and it sounds like everyone else has, as well. That a big mistake. The whole damn family needs to start pushing back and putting her in her place. Immediately. Will she keep the baby from you all? Yes. Will that last? Almost definitely no. I'm guessing with that winning personality, she doesn't have many friends. She'll need someone to watch her kid at some point and bring the baby around. Here's how this usually goes: people like her who use the grandkids to get what they want, will threaten this repeatedly until the kids are grown. Ya'll can ride that Rollercoaster if you want, or you can get off the ride now. Take that power from her. It's better to do it now and not just for your sakes, but for that babies. Because you understand why she yanks them from you when she's not pleased, but they don't, and it's the little ones who suffer.
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To me it sounds like a lot of built up stuff spilling over. Either way, I don’t condone the ultimatum bs that the stepdaughter had pulled in the past. OP should defer to her husband on this stuff, but it all just sounds like a trainwreck.
Yes, this is a grand build up over months and months of shit talking about Eve, who she has barely spoken to in years. I had had enough. She has said so many ridiculous things. She has told her father at least 3 times throughout her pregnancy that she would keep him from seeing the baby whenever he even slightly disagreed with her.
Can you give examples of the disagreements? Because my father-in-law and I had a “minor” disagreement about the necessity of a flu shot to see a baby.
Why is your husband accepting this kind of treatment? I wouldn't want to always be worried about what I say just in case my unhinged child decides that today's comment from me is enough of a reason for her to withhold the grandchild from me unless I apologise. I wouldn't let anyone manipulate my behaviour like this. Have you and your husband tried just playing her game, where you make the rules about behaviour and if SHE acts obnoxiously and vindictively and manipulatively .and rude, that you don't want her around? Especially in your own home you don't have to accept that kind of behaviour from anyone.
See my reply to Kasparian, please
I think if this is the only example of your not walking on eggshells then YTA You picked a fight There was no reason to add your comment. She wasn’t attacking Eve in any way. I’m sure your stepdaughter is annoying but it sounds like you wanted this fight.
I guess I didn't explain enough that during their whole time being pregnant, Mary has made many comments that Eve doesn't know what she's doing. This is not the first time comments like this have been made. Mary thinks she's superior.
And yet, what is your business to argue with her on behalf of Eve when it results in issues for your husband? You and your husband have to be on the same page about how you treat her and how you deal with her. Yes, she may be difficult, but he has to agree because he's the one who has to suffer the consequences of not seeing his daughter and grandchild because of how you treat his daughter
Then you picked the wrong comment and the wrong way to address your issue.
You haven't given us enough detail to say whether or not she is, but from your tone and attitude towards her I think YTA.
I added an Edit
YTA. Your main complaint is that Mary wouldn't take YOUR advice about her pregnancy. The gift issue is basically "I want to check with my daughter about what items she thinks were most helpful with a newborn" and you took offense. Mary is right about that, you don't know what you need until you know what you need. I got plenty of useless items for my first child. Most were donated after one use or never being used. There was nothing wrong with Lyla's statement and yet you doubled-down. You are right that Mary doesn't know everything, but you don't either. None of us do. My kids are adults now, I don't know everything.
I didn't give her any advice. I learned a long time ago, not to give her advice about anything.
Except Eve herself put the registry together and Mary doesn't know nor does she get a say on what Eve needs for her own baby better than eve herself . NTA
ESH Sorry, but you were involved in Mary's life since she was 2 years old and she turned out this obnoxiously, so you as one of the parents must've also dropped the ball. Where is your husband in all of this? But no way should you or your husband tolerate Mary's threats to keep her child from you, just because she's been told 'no' or you guys said something she didn't like or she thought you/your husband said something she doesn't like. If Mary would want to keep you and your husband out of her life, she should just do it and not make empty threats. You and your husband can't build a proper relationship with your grand child when Mary is constantly holding that over your heads as a way to manipulate/police your behaviour. She either accepts you as family and has you in her life, or she decides she doesn't want you all in her life but should then just go LC or NC with you all.
YTA I don't see why you think you're helping by having a fight with the "difficult" daughter.
YTA. Cool, you don't like Mary. That's perfectly valid. She's allowed to disagree with you and vice versa. Different opinions aren't necessarily 'wrong'; tbh it sounds like you're both actually quite strong willed and that's why you're butting heads. In any case, why mix in when Lyla says she wants to talk to Mary about gifts? That's her call; it doesn't impact you at all. Why feel the need to comment? It feels like you took offence on your neice's behalf, which just isn't necessary. Tbh the way you talk about Eve vs Mary makes me wonder if Mary actually has picked up on something here; she sounds a bit jealous, or perhaps feels inadequate in relation to Eve. Eve is clearly your favourite, so perhaps Mary isn't wrong on this one.
ESH It may be true that Mary has been difficult and has been a know-it-all but in this case you were dismissing the fact that Mary does have a lot of information that could have been helpful. Yes, Eve, has a great deal of knowledge about caring for a newborn but the issue in question is what are the best items to specify for a baby shower registry. Working in a hospital would not tell Eve which carseat was the safest or which swing had the best reviews or what is a well-priced stroller that is easy to assemble. A new mom often researches these items or gains knowledge about items by using them. It sounds like Mary can be difficult and she was totally wrong to make disparaging comments about Eve, but you were wrong to dismiss Mary's contributions.
No, but again, Eve is 37 and this was a planned pregnancy, she's very much an intelligent adult woman. She also did her research on things she would need, the same as Mary and most all new Moms do. The inference that Mary is always making is that Eve is basically stupid.
That may be how you feel but Layla may think that Mary has valuable information to offer given the fact that she has purchased and used the items in question and that may be the reason that she asked her. It's not saying that Eve is not capable of doing her own research, she may just see it as a shortcut to answers.