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NTA. He's guilt-tripping you, threatening you with a breakup, manipulating you into isolating yourself from your friends and family. This is a classic early-stage abuser tactic. He's nice and loving now, because you're in the love-bombing stage, I promise you he's not going to stay that way.
Please look up "red flags for domestic violence" to see exactly why you shouldn't be with this guy. He love-bombed you and is now manipulating you in order to establish control over you. This isn't going to end well. It's going to progress to physical violence.
No healthy partner is going to try to control who you're with and where you go. That is extremely alarming and a huge danger signal.
Go on the trip. If he breaks up with you, good, but most likely he won't (or he will but then will quickly get back together with you) because that's just a manipulation tactic he's using to establish control over you. So probably you're going to have to dump him instead. Please do that. You're in real danger here and I'm very concerned for you.
You're posting here because something doesn't feel right. He's been very loving so far but telling you to spend less time with your family and friends feels weird. The attempt at control feels weird. It feels off somehow and you're not sure what to make of it.
Listen to that gut feeling. The reason abusers do this is that it's easier to control you when you don't have outside influences to give you a reality check, and to contest his version of reality that he's going to foist on you. It's a campaign to break down all your psychological defences. And it will leave you confused, disoriented, not sure what's real — in other words, vulnerable to his total control.
Again, please look up what the beginning part of an abusive relationship looks like. This is pretty much textbook. Please get out before he destroys your psyche and starts hurting you physically.
Perfect reply, no notes.
I can't get over "I can't be without you, so I'm considering being without you forever". Clearly he can be without OP and this is about something else. Been on that slippery slope once. Run while you have the chance sister!
All of this!
How is he ‘loving’ if he cuts you off from your friends and family?
How is he ‘caring’ if he stop you doing the things you love (like travelling)?
How do spend your life with someone who doesn’t want you to have any sort of life outside of him?
The love bombing of ‘I can’t stand to be away from you’ is actually ‘I don’t want you with your family for 10 days without me cause what if you start talking to them about how I’ve cut you off from your entire life’.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and I think you’re allowing this behaviour cause he’s handsome and ‘pretty’ and you feel special that he wants to be with you. I get that – hot guys can have that affect.
But it seems like he’s trying very hard to isolate you from everything you know, and everyone who might question his behaviour.
Be very careful and very wary.
Tell him you ARE going on this trip because YOU want to see your family – and he has NO right to manipulate you into missing it.
If he breaks up with you over that – consider it a massive bullet dodged.
But even if he doesn’t – you need to think long and hard about how small you’re willing to make yourself and your circle of trusted people - for this man.
u/eefr could be, unfortunately, on to something. It may not be that serious, but it could be. Seems like he is either very insecure and co-dependent and doesn't want to be away from you, or he is very controlling and doesn't want you to be somewhere he can't keep an eye on you. You should never change yourself for a partner or relationship, as many people say. I also think at the same time that when you find the right person, they make you want to be a better version of yourself. Not change, but grow, which some people may not agree with. But this doesn't quite seem like that.
I'm not sure about the red flags for domestic violence. I'm just not sure what they are. So I'm not disagreeing in any way. Even if he's never violent, this is controlling and manipulative behavior. OP should dump him. NTA.
No need to take my word for it:
https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/isolation-tactic-of-control
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isolation_to_facilitate_abuse
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/isolation-tactics-how-victims-of-domestic-abuse-fall-into-the-trap/
https://www.dvconnect.org/social-isolation-can-be-domestic-violence/
https://reachma.org/blog/survivor-voices-isolation-and-domestic-violence/
Just a few examples of the top search results I got. Isolation is a *very* common tactic in domestic abuse. You can read about it basically all over the internet.
I believe you. These are isolation tactics, which is manipulation. I've explained them to friends before. I knew that it's a controlling behavior. I just wasn't sure of the definite link to domestic violence. So, thank you for the links.
The idea is to control and isolate their partner so that they can esclate to abuse. They're not going to walk up to a girl at a bar, say hi and then physically attack her. No one is going to take that. The entire point is to get a woman like OP to get rid of her friends and family, and feel that he loves her and he is the only person in her life, so then he can abuse her and get away with it.
Friends and family could see the signs of abuse, like bruises etc. She might confide in friends and family that he's being abusive. But if she has no friends or family, or is conditioned to mistrust them, then the friends and family don't find out. Or she makes excuses, like "I fell down" to cover for him.
You just read this and it's heartbreaking. Someone like this MAYBE isn't violent at some point, but given how fast he's escalated I doubt it.
absolutely, my ex-wife would pull this stuff all the time when we were together. would gaslight me on visiting my family or any kinda friends. I have 3 sisters and my mom. if I didn't call her, everyday when she spent the last 6 months of our marriage at her parents playing WoW, and tell her everything I did, I was accused of flirting with girls. if a female said hi, bye, go to hell to me, I was accused of flirting with them. I was miserable
yeah, it took me about 4 or 5 years to really try to date after her. I lucked out and met a beautiful vietnamese woman bout 3.5 years ago and have been the happiest I've been in years.
NTA
You absolutely have the right to take a trip to see your family.
When I read your text it mirrors a relationship that I had. I too thought that I was madly in love. He was handsome and smart and I thought that I wanted to marry him.
It turns out that he was totally controlling and I did not see it for a long time. Just your statement that he changed you entirely means that he is exerting control over you to be someone other than your true self. My boyfriend also wanted me to stop seeing friends and family and not to even have conversations on the phone with my family about things that I was doing. The more they isolate you, always saying that it is because they love you so much, the more easily they can control you. Another sign is that you love to travel but you haven't traveled once since you have been with him and now he is throwing a fit that you want to travel one time to see your family. The end result in my situation was that my self-esteem took a tremendous dive because he very subtly degraded me and I was alone.
You might take a hard look at the costs and benefits of this relationship.
Same here. I also adored my ex and felt like they'd made lots of concessions and changes, so we were even on that front.
Things I have learned since they tried to kill me in my sleep, and the subsequent breakup, include the fact that - no, they really didn't change that much. The only 'concession' they'd made was to not openly get mad at me for having mental health issues now and then, while I gave up friends, family and interests for them whenever they asked.
OP, you deserve so much better than this. And I hope that when you're able to get out of this relationship, you can spend all the time with family and friends you want, and go on some amazing adventures.
NTA. Your bf is controlling to the point of borderline abusive. Does it really make sense to you that he'll break up with you (which puts him without you forever) because he can't stand being without you for 10 days?? Drop this guy. NOW
NTA If he breaks up with you because you went on a family trip, he absolutely does not love you no matter what else he says. If you go on the trip and he “figures out” a way to stay together, then he’s a manipulative liar. If you don’t go because of him, he’s controlling your life. It’s kind of lose/lose/lose for him, unfortunately. No healthy relationship is going to have ultimatums over this kind of thing.
NTA. This relationship gives serious red flags. Someone is not loving and caring if they isolate you from everyone that you care about. Fuck if he wants you to hang out with friends or not, what do you want to do? That's all that should matter and a healthy partner will support that.
He's purposefully isolating you so that you loose your support system. This is dangerous. He sounds dangerous.
Yeah, I spy narcissistic lovebombing and whatnot. Those people are adept at appearing charming and smooth-talking. OP is NTA and should probably run for her life. The controlling behaviour will only get worse.
OP, if you see this comment, just take a sheet of paper and write stuff down. What he said to make you feel guilty/faulty, times you felt uneasy around him. Might put things into perspective. Make sure he doesn't see this, if you do.
Your boyfriend is isolating you. He is forcing you to dump your friends, and even your family. He is deciding what you can do, how you behave, and he is using 'love' as a threat in order to make you 'behave' to his liking.
This is not healthy. This is controlling behaviour. You're NTA, but he certainly is.
... NTA and break up with him. Alienating you and threatening to break up with you when you try to keep connections with your loved ones are abusive - he is isolating you so you will have no one to turn to when the abuse gets worse. He's not emotionally healthy if he can't stand you having friends, being with family, etc. It's not like you're even saying "he doesn't like being away from me so we always do every social gathering together," you have STOPPED meeting friends and traveling. You have stopped your passion because he "goes nuts" when you do.
Break up with this dude.
Agreed. Personally I view any couple that can’t be apart at all as unhealthy (including those that will hang with their friends and spend the entire time on the phone texting or FaceTiming each other).
NTA
What’s he going to do if you DO go? Accuse you of cheating? Blow up your phone to ruin your time?
I know you think it’s a good thing you “changed entarely” but what he actually did was find a way to cut you off from your friends.
Pretty boy is controlling and possibly insecure. I can’t think of a single good reason to try to stop you travelling- it’s new experiences, meeting people and learning about the world (even if it’s still the same country and you’re visiting family).
The only regrets I have from when I was young is the things I didn’t do, not the things I did (ok, maybe there’s a few drunken dancing on the table episodes but it was the 80’s and there’s no photographic evidence)
Go and travel, if he *really* loves you he’ll decide that keeping you in his life is more important than being ‘obedient’ to his whims. And if he doesn’t, then do you want to be with someone who makes your world smaller and restricted?
NTA
8 months together & he's mad at you & threatening to break up with you if you take a trip with your family... this is extremely unhealthy. This is how physically abuse relationships start.
He went nuts because you visited your sister for 5 days. This occurred before you were in your relationship for 8 months... This is mentally & emotionally abusive. This isn't normal behavior. It's not cute or loving.
You've been isolating yourself from others for him.
You really need to look into love bombing, stonewalling, and brinksmanship in intimate relationships. You need to look up abuse cycles in intimate partner violence. You need to look up codependency cycles.
Nothing about his behavior is normal or healthy.
NTA it seems as if he is cutting you off from friends and family and isolating you form something you love such as traveling as a deliberate way to control you. Why can’t he travel with you instead of insisting that you just not travel. Since it is a family event he should know you are safe if that is his major concern. You need to find out what his issues are with you traveling and having more extroverted experiences. I’m guessing he just doesn’t want you to do these things because he doesn’t want you to do them. Is there away to invite him to go along with you? If he cannot compromise on this or work with you to find a solution that keeps you actively engaged in your hobbies you need to dump him.
Sweetheart, please please listen to me.... You are in the love bombing stage of an abusive relationship. He is beginning the process of isolating You and breaking you down. All while keeping you interested by love bombing you. You need to cut and run now. This will escalate. It is not love. It is control. Please please read about abusive relationships and power dynamics.
Three words describing him: manipulative, controlling and domination. This is just the beginning of abuse. You need to look past his looks and look at the things he will not let you do. Do not let him do this to you. Get away from him asap. Go with your family-break up before you go.
NTA. Isolating a woman from her family and friends "because he misses you" is the first stage in a dangerously abusive relationship. You're being groomed for a submissive, controlling, jealous relationship. It will continue to get worse. He will start to hurt you and scare you after you have no family or friends around to notice. Eventually you won't even be able to go to the grocery store without his "permission" and have to defend every phone call you make or receive. You will fear the signs of impending physical violence when you do ordinary things. Get out NOW before he gets any more obsessive and it's harder. And make sure he hasn't put any trackers on your car.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to go on a trip with my family even though my boyfriend is against it. I could be the asshole because I want to go, and my boyfriend could also be the asshole because he is preventing me from going, he forbids it.
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NTA but while in vacation tell him there is no phone service because he will be calling you a hundred times a day to guilt you and let you know what a crappy person you are. You are going to visit family not pacify him.
Tell him you’re going, and if he says one more thing about breaking up just say, “that’s fine, we’re finished and you can spend the rest of your life being away from me” and hang up the phone. That type of behavior may seem “cute” but it’s a major red flag for him controlling you down the road. Your family has been with you your entire life, him 8 months, and someday you may all be one family taking vacations together but you’re entitled to some “me time” with them in the interim.
He’s a manipulative, insecure, controlling AH. You need to get out of this relationship before you completely lose your sense of self and he breaks your self esteem to the point you doubt yourself and your decisions and can only rely on what he decides for himself about your life. GET OUT! Start with going on that family trip. Don’t let him stop you from traveling, doing what you want to do/enjoy. Don’t let him isolate you from your friends and family. He will only get more controlling if you stay. What’s with his logic - to break up with you because he can’t stand to be away from you for 10 days? If he breaks up with you, he’ll be away from you forever (as it should be). He’s trying to guilt you. Please don’t fall for it. I’ve been there and did that for 10 years. Get out!
OP, I hope you’re reading all of these. This guy is clearly used to getting his way and doesn’t handle it well when he doesn’t. This is huge narcissist abuser red flags. NTA
Run. This is how abusers start. Alienating you from family and friends. Wanting to control you. This is trouble coming right down the track at you. Go in the vacation and break away from this controlling bully
NTA. But please know that he is being abusive and controlling towards you. It might feel like love but its not.
Why do you want to be with someone who wont let you do what you love(travel)? Cause he is pretty and physically seem to be an amazing catch?
NTA.
Go. This possessive crap gets really old really fast. You are in lust, not truly in love, and he is most certainly not the one for you.
Never change your goals and dreams for someone, you’ll end up resenting him and yourself pretty quickly. It has been 7 months and this relationship is showing all the cracks. Have fun on your trip, stay longer with your family so you can make a clean break from the beautiful possessive boy.
Ask yourself why he would break up with you if he would miss you so much while you would be gone. Why wouldn’t he want you to be with your family? Why have you changed so much? Why has he? If he loves you why wouldn’t he want you to be happy? Ask yourself these things. Then ask him. Things will get so much worse if you allow yourself to change yourself for him 😞
Yeah I don’t think you should be in any relationship if you’re this easy to manipulate and change. At this rate you’ll be locked up at home taking care of kids 24/7 and he will be cheating bc your marriage is boring.
You need to go on the trip. And whether you go on the trip or not, you need to break up with him.
He’s being controlling, he’s being manipulative, and he’s isolating you from everyone you care about but him. This is ABUSE. Get him out of your life NOW. Don’t walk, RUN away from him and never look back.
Oh hon. Please don’t change who you are for a mate, you will regret it later, I promise. There are plenty of people out there. I know it’s hard to see but please hold on to your dreams.
NTA. But dump this guy. Most abuse starts with isolating the victim from all their closed ones and it seems he has been doing that a lot with you. Don't date someone who doesn't like you meeting your friends and family for silly reasons like them missing you.
NTA. Making you distance yourself from everyone is a major red flag. Spending time away from each other is healthy, and if he really cannot stand being away from you for less than two weeks, he's bordering on codependent. It also sounds like travel is really important to you, and if he won't either let you go on trips alone, or go with you, that's something you need to consider. 8 months (at least to me) isn't a super long time, so it's possible you're still in a bit of a honeymoon phase - I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with this man, and decide whether he's good for you (or you're good for each other). A relationship should enrich your life, and it doesn't sound like this one is.
Go on the family trip no matter what. I just lost a few family members and I wished I traveled with them more when I was younger, and when they were still alive.
I live with this regret everyday now.
NTA. RUN, don’t walk away from him ASAP. He’s been slowly making you distance yourself from everyone you care about. So you become completely dependent on him and can’t think for yourself. He’s already trying to control your every move. Classic symptoms of a future abuser.
Go travel and see your family. They’ll always be there for you. You can find another boyfriend who’ll accept that you have another life outside of him.
NTA
Just go on your family holiday, and while you are at it, reconnect with your friends and start travelling again.
This is not a healthy relationship. Quite the opposite.
He will not break up but he will give you a hard time, because you disobeyed him.
I bet he already does that.
NTA.
There are red flags all over this post. He is likely emotionally abusing you. When somebody tries to control you and keep you from your friends that is emotional abuse. Get out while you can.
NTA- he sounds controlling. He is isolating you from everyone and threatens to break up if you spend time with your family. This is not a good relationship at all.
Nta. Break up. You don't realize it now, but you will, that has distancing you from everyone to manipulate you and be able to control you. And hope not, but in the future it could lead to an abusive relationship
NTA. This sounds like the start of a very toxic unhealthy and possibly abusive relationship. Go have a great time with your family and while you are away, reflect on the relationship you have with your bf, maybe talk to your sister or parents about it. You may see things differently while you are away from him
No NTA, if he really loves you he will let you go. Doesn’t sound like love anyway, sounds like possessiveness. He’s trying to isolate you, this will end badly
NTA he's slowly manipulating you and it wouldn't be surprising if he becomes more controlling and possibly violent. This scenario happened to me multiple times.
NTA
You need to break it off with this guy. His behaviour is toxic and eventually will very likely turn abusive mentally and physically. This guy needs to get therapy and work on his issues and maybe MAAAAYBE one day when he’s done enough work and introspection can you guys reevaluate your relationship.
You’re only going to be an AH to yourself if you stay with him because this isn’t love, is controlling and manipulative abuse. Get out while you can and don’t look back!
Not the ah here but mate just because he is dreamy doesn’t mean he’s not a psycho. Definitely leave him. You are worth so much more and I don’t think you want to burn bridges with family and friends.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/
Please check out the “how healthy is your relationship” quiz as well as the self-care quiz
Based on all the signs please reflect. Sending you support.
He is a control freak he’ll run of all your friends and family if you let him you can’t let him control you like that Break up and go with your family it’s not like you’re going with other party animals. Protect yourself. I honestly think he is toxic run
NTA
He "can't stand being away from you" for less than 2 weeks but he could stand being away from you forever by breaking up? Girl, that makes no sense. Dude is trying to isolate and trap you. Go on your trip and tell him to kick rocks.
Go on your vacation with your family. Your boyfriend is isolating you from your loved ones and is using some scary manipulation tactics to keep you under his control. Do not be fooled by his good looks.
NTA.
NTA go on the vacation. You sound fairly young and he’s super controlling. He has already successfully isolated you from your previous life without complaint, he’s only changed temporarily. DO NOT allow him to take this from you and your family. Plenty more fish in the sea. Live your life babes.
How old are you, OP? Someone who loves you wants the best for you and for you to be happy. Not isolated and away from friends and family. You said you've changed entirely. So you're not even the person he "fell" for, he's remaking you into some idea he has in his head. Listen to the others on here. No one has said anything indicating this is a healthy relationship and they're all fearful for you. NTA
NTA. You don't mention your age, but I get the sense you're pretty young. Which may account for why you don't recognize unhealthy, toxic, and dangerous characteristics in this relationship. I also feel we won't be able to convince you ronrexonsider this relationship.
I am sure you both love each other. But, sometimes love can be dangerous or damaging. You're on your way there, placing his wants above yours.
Good luck
NTA. This is a form of abuse. He is isolating you from friends and family so he can control you. Step back and take a really good look at this relationship before it is too late. Please don't stay with this man.
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I (22 F) am with my boyfriend (21 M) in a relationship of 8 months. We met in a cute way, and fell in love right away. He is loving, caring, wants a family with me, many consider him the prettiest guy in the town, he is tall and really handsome. I'm really in love with him and all i wanted is to spend my life with him. We have a great time when we are together, but he changed me entarely. I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore. I accepted everything, he changed himself also, but i didn't ask him to do that. My dream was to travel and i went on 5-6 trips a year, but since i'm with him, i didn't go enywhere. I went one time to visit my sister for 5 days and he went nuts, saying how much he missed me and how he doesn't want me to go anywhere anymore. Now my parents want me and my sister to go with them on a vacation, they will pay for everything, the only condition is, that me and my sister go both, or noone will go. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go, he doesn't realise that i could ruin the trip for everyone, and since my father and my sister live abroad, i don't get to see them much, only once in three months or so. Today i told him that i wanna go and he got really pissed, he even mentioned breaking up with me, because he can't stand being away from me for 10 days. I really want to go with my family, but i also don't want to break up with him. AITA for going anyways?
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Info: what are your ages? Do you live with your parents? Do you work or go to school? What does he do? If he wants you to stop travelling without him, is he willing to travel *with* you?
>We have a great time when we are together, but he changed me entarely. I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore. I accepted everything
This is not a good thing. A loving, caring partner would not want to change you and isolate you like this. It's not healthy to not exist outside of your relationship and it's definitely not healthy to not meet with your friends and stop doing everything you like because of your partner.
>I went one time to visit my sister for 5 days and he went nuts, saying how much he missed me and how he doesn't want me to go anywhere anymore
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life ?
NTA. Please go on the trip and re-evaluate this relationship.
NTA, but the behavior you describe from your bf is not OK - he is possessive, controlling, and emotionally manipulative. Go on the trip, break up with him and find a man that has the confidence to allow you to have a life outside the relationship or you will spend your life with man who will never allow you to have a life.
NTA on this one. As a warning, I highly recommend ending this relationship. My high school ex was exactly like this. He never wanted me to go on vacation with my family or go to college. He would use “I’ll break up with you” or “I’ll commit suicide” if I mentioned going on vacation or thinking of leaving for college. Because of him, I would get scared thinking he would self harm himself and make me never leave our hometown. Thanks to him I didn’t see my grandparents when I had a chance in high school.
Luckily after dating this guy for two years and going to college, I realized I deserved better. I was able to meet my now husband and not once has he ever commented like my ex did. If anything, my husband encourages me to travel without him with my family and best friends. I do the same for him because we encourage one another with it being ok to have time for ourselves.
Go on vacation with your family and break up with this person. Someone that truly cares for you would never pull this crap.
DUMP him. He may seem like the love of your life right now but this is the exact type of relationship you will look back on in 20 years and go ‘wow I can’t believe I let a boy ruin all my other relationships, control me, and tell me what to do’
NTA.
You've already been isolated from friends and family as well as changed who you are as a person for him, but he wants full control over your life. Stop giving it to him.
Someone who genuinely cares about you doesn't diminish your world. They add to and expand it.
Seriously, look how much power and influence you've handed over to this guy in only 8 months of being together. What's going to be left of *you* at the year mark? Two? Etc.? He claims he loves you so much he can't be away from you for ten days, yet he'll break up with you and be away from you forever if you go. Where's the logic in that?
Go be with your family. Have fun. Regain a sense of self.
Why are you with this control freak who is alienating you from family and friends??? Go on that vacation and do break up with him. He’s not worth it. He’s abusive. Open your eyes NOW.
NTA.
Nta. Super pretty people can be abusive. And he is an abuser. He may not have hit you yet, but he is hurting you. Isolating you. Controlling you - “he went nuts” - seriously? Be prepared that when you try to leave him, he will likely threaten to off himself. Don’t listen to the manipulation. It’s just noise. When someone loves you, really loves you, they WANT good things in your life. They want you to have healthy friendships and a healthy relationship with your family. They want to see you thriving. When someone just wants to OWN you, they will cut you off from your life and everyone in it. Do you want to be owned by this person? Or with someone who actually loves you and wants to see you thriving and living your dreams?
Would you let your sister see a guy that stops her from having a social life because her bf said so? But it's OK because he stopped doing things too, right? Girl it's been 8 months and it seems you've been love bombed or you're tucked under his foreskin so you can't see it but keep your eyes open. Don't make any rash decisions like marriage just yet. SOCIALIZE WITH FRIENDS, you need your network, he's not your whole network. I'm scared for you but I won't say to leave him that's on you.
NTA. Save him the time and dump him first. If he throws a literal fit over you spending time with your family, that’s a MAJOR red flag. Why does he want you all to himself? He sounds abusive. That’s how it starts. They alienate you from your friends and family and try to change everything about you. Leave him.
8 months and already in love?
You’re infatuated with this degenerate, it’s not love. What you’re seeing is potential in him and what you think he could be.
Meanwhile he’s showing you exactly who he is.
Your rose coloured glasses are on and you can’t see/think straight after hearing “wants a family, spend life with me” BS.
This the classic divide and concur stage.
He’s trying to isolate you from your family.
Bet he will attempt to get you pregnant very soon to slow you down and be locked with him forever.
Bet he has another woman he’s trying to manipulate as well.
Don’t walk. RUN.
NTA- he can't stand to be without you for five days, but he's willing to break up with you and never see you again? Both can't be true. That's a lie designed to make you do what he wants.
NTA, he wants to control you as I see it. The fact that he’s keeping you away from your friends and family is huge red flag ! You should take back control of your own life and not let him decide your every move. I personally think you should be the one to break up with him.
Coercive control red flags galore.
Break up with him - he’s already changed you and your life for the worse. He’s been chipping away at you for 8 months. Imagine this in 8 years.
Make sure you’re somewhere safe and that you have all your belongings that he may have, and that you notify friends and family who can be near by if you need help.
Good luck
I've been with loving boyfriends, and they have never stopped me from doing the things I loved or seeing the people I care about and vice versa. A healthy and loving relationship has two partners who want to see their partner grow socially and have a good relationship with the people they love. It's about being independent individuals separately and building a foundation from both separate lives.
This boyfriend that you have is not a caring boyfriend. He is a manipulator and you need to protect your life from him. Not only did he change, but he has changed you, and it does not sound like you are happy with it. I wouldn't be in your shoes. You are still young, I'm sure of it. Do not settle for someone who is isolating you from the world like you're a princess in the tower.
Run.... don't walk, RUN!
Soon, you'll be completely isolated from family, friends, and everyone you know. You'll be fully vulnerable and dependent on him. He's emotionally manipulating you and controlling you, the early signs of abuse aren't far behind.
Hi, I’m so sorry you’re in this position because this is a bigger problem than you may realize. This is controlling behavior and a precursor for more. I know it may not feel “abusive” yet but these are early signs and red flags.
Lol I dated a guy like this before when I was much younger. Threatened to break up with me when I was going to go to a company dinner, threw a tantrum demanding to know who else was going to be there and how it was ‘inappropriate’ that I ‘would be surrounded by other men late in the night’ lol what an insecure loser.
Boyfriend is not a husband, hence, not family, hence NTA.
You go out and enjoy your family, mama and papa won't last forever, and brothers and sisters won't be always together, enjoy your family now.
There are many red flags on your text, try reading it again as if your dearest friend you care most has writen it.
Nta; take it from someone who skipped a family vacation trip & regret it whole heartedly. My ex was the same way and god forbid I went, he would do everything in his power to ruin my time. Don’t miss it, you’ll only regret it later 😭
🚩🚩🚩I see clear signs of coercive control. The man is controlling you with manipulation. RUN, run as fast as you can away from his toxic behaviour, before he becomes mentally and physically abusive.
NTA
NTA- this relationship is really toxic you only known him for 8 months and yes there’s people who get married when dating for a less amount of time and things work out fine but for your case the way he is, is really not normal it’s toxic and unhealthy. He’s very manipulative you are excusing his actions because of his good looks and that’s dangerous he seems like the type to threaten to kill himself or you if you leave seriously consider ending things. A loving partner doesn’t want you to change or stop your interests they would support you. You’d be more compatible with someone of a similar life style who would love that you travel.
NTA. Oh dear this is not a healthy relationship at all. Your bf has so many red flags. Your bf is isolating you and that’s not a good thing at all. This is usually how controlling and abusive relationships start. Go on the trip and break up with your bf before it gets worse
NTA, please do yourself a massive favour and dump this controlling AH. You’re in the esrly stages of an abusive relationship that’ll only get harder to get away from the longer it takes.
🚩 A person who loves you won’t want you to change your whole personality and life to revolve around him alone.
🚩A person who loves you won’t isolate you from your loved ones.
🚩 A person who loves you won’t threaten to break up because you’re not under their control.
NTA.
The fact that this person is isolating you from your family and friends is a huge red flag.
It isn't okay just because he pretends it's because he loves you so much. It isn't okay just because he (claims he) changed himself as well.
Going "nuts" because you spend five days with family is absurd. Threatening to break up with you if you have a ten-day vacation with your sister is absurd. He is trying to bully and control you.
NTA and girl!!! You NEED to. Real up with him if he’s being this controlling. This is dangerously controlling behavior and future you will hate present you for not taking him up on his offer to break up. You DO NOT want a life and family with this man. Trust an old woman on this. This is so many red flags I fear the factory will been to up its production to keep up. No decent man would keep you from your family like this.
NTA
also your relationship sounds really concerning
especially " I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore."
so he has cut you off from any form of support and things you like to do, generally this is considered abuse
You are NTA and your boyfriend has been systematically isolating you from friends and family. Go on the vacation with your family and dump this man's sorry ass. You do not need that kind of person in your life get out while you can
NTA
He is guilt tripping you. It seems like your boyfriend only wants you to focus on him. It’s a MAJOR red flag. You already gave up your happiness to go out, see friends, and spend time with your family as you are afraid to lose him.
TIME TO END EVERYTHING!!
Good luck!!!
🚩1. You were loved bomb at the beginning of the relationship. Then you were roped into commitment way too fast.
🚩2. You were immediately isolated from your friends and family.
🚩3. Now he is using manipulation tactics to control your decisions and moves.
🚩4. It's either his way or no way. He threatens to leave you if you don't do what he wants. An Ultimatum if you don't obey him.
Save yourself from incredible pain and hurt that he will bring you (and potential children). The longer you stay, the worst it gets and the harder it is to leave. Mark my words, girl. It will end badly.
This guy is not the ‘catch’ you think he is.
In only 8 months he has made you change your entire identity and made you believe it is what YOU want.
Go on holiday with your family. Because I think they know!
NTA, If he's this intense after just 8 months, I dread to think how bad it'll be after 8 years.
I get the word of internet strangers, who don't know you or your boyfriend, won't mean much, so please ask yourself;
Would you be threatening to dump him if he went on a family holiday?
Would you ask him to stop seeing his family just because you missed him?
Can you imagine a future where you never get to see your family, or go out alone, and you'd still be happy?
If you can answer 'no' to any of those questions, then I strongly advise you to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about boundaries. I hope you're both young and new to relationships so that there's a chance he can change, but if he dismisses your feelings and continues to insist you can't go, it most likely means he's either too emotionally immature for a relationship, or he's faking upset to manipulate you into staying/keep you from your family.
Keep in touch with your family, no matter the outcome of the trip, you'll need their support. Don't cut yourself off from the world because a man wants you at his beck and call 24/7, live for yourself.
Please keep us updated on how it goes and stay safe OP
Ohhhhhhh he's a full on, class a, fucked up weirdo!!! Do not under any circumstances get pregnant to this guy! Your life will be over trust me! Ditch him, go on your trip, travel the world, fuck that guy !!?!
NTA
10 fucking days? He is threatening to break up with you because you're going on a family holiday for less than a week and a half?
Run. Leave this manipulative loser behind. If he loved you like he says he does, he wouldn't threaten to leave you over a TEN FUCKING DAY family vacation.
You've already detailed how this guy has pushed you away from your friends and killed your dreams of travel. Now he's trying to push you away from your own family.
See the signs. This person is mentally unbalanced. They are potentially dangerous. They don't care for you or your family. You would be wise to dump his ass right now.
Yeah, he is showing classic signs of being a manipulative sociopath (controlling you with guilttripping and getting you isolated from friends and family). GET OUT while it’s not too late. Seriously, I know you love him, but you will be thanking yourself one day for leaving him. Staying with him could ruin your life and the relationship with the people you love.
You are young, and you will get over him, and you will fall in love again with someone better for you. Someone who will love that you have friends and a happy family who invited you on vacation. Someone who appreciates that you have hobbies and dreams and will love you for who you are.
NTA
NTA.
There's nothing "nice" about a guy that won't let you be yourself.
Go with your parents and your sister!
If it really is love, he will let you go!
NTA. Read this VERY carefully.
This is a toxic relationship. You love him and he’s the loveliest guy ever in the beginning (he’s love-bombing you), this won’t continue and his behaviour proves that; this is the early stages of an abusive relationship. You say he doesn’t want you going out, travelling, meeting friends etc (all the things that you love to do) but you stopped doing them because he wanted you to stop. In doing this and distancing yourself from the people around you, you have now isolated yourself and given him the power to control you and manipulate you, which he is now doing by guilt-tripping you and threatening to end your relationship if you go to see your family.
Furthermore, he shouldn’t be going crazy after not seeing or being around you for 5 days, and he shouldn’t have any say in whether or not you go to visit your family members. A good boyfriend would tell you to have a good time, make the most of it and he’ll see you when you’re back. A good boyfriend would NOT freak out over the thought of it, panic about being apart from you for 10 days, and try to emotionally manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants.
In submitting to becoming the person he wanted to become, he can get you to do what he wants by taking advantage of your emotions. He threatened to break up with you because he knows you’ve distanced yourself from most other people in your life, so you’ve likely become attached and emotionally dependent on him. This means that you likely frantically accommodate to him when he manipulates you usually because you’re desperate not to lose him, so you do as he says. He knows he has you wrapped around his finger. You need to either set some clear boundaries, be the person you want to be and he needs to accept that, or leave. Continuing as you are will only cause YOU harm.
Tell him how rediculous he sounds and that you are going,make sure to be stern and dont put up with his bs.also if he mentions breakin up tell him to do it because i promise you honey that man is going to come right back if he can even get himself to uphold his word.
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NTA. He's guilt-tripping you, threatening you with a breakup, manipulating you into isolating yourself from your friends and family. This is a classic early-stage abuser tactic. He's nice and loving now, because you're in the love-bombing stage, I promise you he's not going to stay that way. Please look up "red flags for domestic violence" to see exactly why you shouldn't be with this guy. He love-bombed you and is now manipulating you in order to establish control over you. This isn't going to end well. It's going to progress to physical violence. No healthy partner is going to try to control who you're with and where you go. That is extremely alarming and a huge danger signal. Go on the trip. If he breaks up with you, good, but most likely he won't (or he will but then will quickly get back together with you) because that's just a manipulation tactic he's using to establish control over you. So probably you're going to have to dump him instead. Please do that. You're in real danger here and I'm very concerned for you. You're posting here because something doesn't feel right. He's been very loving so far but telling you to spend less time with your family and friends feels weird. The attempt at control feels weird. It feels off somehow and you're not sure what to make of it. Listen to that gut feeling. The reason abusers do this is that it's easier to control you when you don't have outside influences to give you a reality check, and to contest his version of reality that he's going to foist on you. It's a campaign to break down all your psychological defences. And it will leave you confused, disoriented, not sure what's real — in other words, vulnerable to his total control. Again, please look up what the beginning part of an abusive relationship looks like. This is pretty much textbook. Please get out before he destroys your psyche and starts hurting you physically.
And please please take this advice to heart. Please end this relationship. Please please see the Red Flags.
Perfect reply, no notes. I can't get over "I can't be without you, so I'm considering being without you forever". Clearly he can be without OP and this is about something else. Been on that slippery slope once. Run while you have the chance sister!
All of this! How is he ‘loving’ if he cuts you off from your friends and family? How is he ‘caring’ if he stop you doing the things you love (like travelling)? How do spend your life with someone who doesn’t want you to have any sort of life outside of him? The love bombing of ‘I can’t stand to be away from you’ is actually ‘I don’t want you with your family for 10 days without me cause what if you start talking to them about how I’ve cut you off from your entire life’. This is a very unhealthy dynamic, and I think you’re allowing this behaviour cause he’s handsome and ‘pretty’ and you feel special that he wants to be with you. I get that – hot guys can have that affect. But it seems like he’s trying very hard to isolate you from everything you know, and everyone who might question his behaviour. Be very careful and very wary. Tell him you ARE going on this trip because YOU want to see your family – and he has NO right to manipulate you into missing it. If he breaks up with you over that – consider it a massive bullet dodged. But even if he doesn’t – you need to think long and hard about how small you’re willing to make yourself and your circle of trusted people - for this man.
u/eefr could be, unfortunately, on to something. It may not be that serious, but it could be. Seems like he is either very insecure and co-dependent and doesn't want to be away from you, or he is very controlling and doesn't want you to be somewhere he can't keep an eye on you. You should never change yourself for a partner or relationship, as many people say. I also think at the same time that when you find the right person, they make you want to be a better version of yourself. Not change, but grow, which some people may not agree with. But this doesn't quite seem like that.
I'm not sure about the red flags for domestic violence. I'm just not sure what they are. So I'm not disagreeing in any way. Even if he's never violent, this is controlling and manipulative behavior. OP should dump him. NTA.
No need to take my word for it: https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/isolation-tactic-of-control https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isolation_to_facilitate_abuse https://www.ncdv.org.uk/isolation-tactics-how-victims-of-domestic-abuse-fall-into-the-trap/ https://www.dvconnect.org/social-isolation-can-be-domestic-violence/ https://reachma.org/blog/survivor-voices-isolation-and-domestic-violence/ Just a few examples of the top search results I got. Isolation is a *very* common tactic in domestic abuse. You can read about it basically all over the internet.
Please read the what was suggested, you need to get out now go with you family and really talk to them about what he's doing Please
I believe you. These are isolation tactics, which is manipulation. I've explained them to friends before. I knew that it's a controlling behavior. I just wasn't sure of the definite link to domestic violence. So, thank you for the links.
The idea is to control and isolate their partner so that they can esclate to abuse. They're not going to walk up to a girl at a bar, say hi and then physically attack her. No one is going to take that. The entire point is to get a woman like OP to get rid of her friends and family, and feel that he loves her and he is the only person in her life, so then he can abuse her and get away with it. Friends and family could see the signs of abuse, like bruises etc. She might confide in friends and family that he's being abusive. But if she has no friends or family, or is conditioned to mistrust them, then the friends and family don't find out. Or she makes excuses, like "I fell down" to cover for him. You just read this and it's heartbreaking. Someone like this MAYBE isn't violent at some point, but given how fast he's escalated I doubt it.
This is so true. You should break up with him.
absolutely, my ex-wife would pull this stuff all the time when we were together. would gaslight me on visiting my family or any kinda friends. I have 3 sisters and my mom. if I didn't call her, everyday when she spent the last 6 months of our marriage at her parents playing WoW, and tell her everything I did, I was accused of flirting with girls. if a female said hi, bye, go to hell to me, I was accused of flirting with them. I was miserable
Sounds horrible, Im so sorry for that. Good thing she’s now your ex!
yeah, it took me about 4 or 5 years to really try to date after her. I lucked out and met a beautiful vietnamese woman bout 3.5 years ago and have been the happiest I've been in years.
NTA You absolutely have the right to take a trip to see your family. When I read your text it mirrors a relationship that I had. I too thought that I was madly in love. He was handsome and smart and I thought that I wanted to marry him. It turns out that he was totally controlling and I did not see it for a long time. Just your statement that he changed you entirely means that he is exerting control over you to be someone other than your true self. My boyfriend also wanted me to stop seeing friends and family and not to even have conversations on the phone with my family about things that I was doing. The more they isolate you, always saying that it is because they love you so much, the more easily they can control you. Another sign is that you love to travel but you haven't traveled once since you have been with him and now he is throwing a fit that you want to travel one time to see your family. The end result in my situation was that my self-esteem took a tremendous dive because he very subtly degraded me and I was alone. You might take a hard look at the costs and benefits of this relationship.
Same here. I also adored my ex and felt like they'd made lots of concessions and changes, so we were even on that front. Things I have learned since they tried to kill me in my sleep, and the subsequent breakup, include the fact that - no, they really didn't change that much. The only 'concession' they'd made was to not openly get mad at me for having mental health issues now and then, while I gave up friends, family and interests for them whenever they asked. OP, you deserve so much better than this. And I hope that when you're able to get out of this relationship, you can spend all the time with family and friends you want, and go on some amazing adventures.
NTA your boyfriends sounds toxic and abusive as hell. Cutting you off from friends/family/what you love to do isn't love. It's abuse.
Yeah OP deserves much better than that
NTA. Your bf is controlling to the point of borderline abusive. Does it really make sense to you that he'll break up with you (which puts him without you forever) because he can't stand being without you for 10 days?? Drop this guy. NOW
“I miss you so much I’m breaking up with you!!” He won’t be able to be controlling with OPs parents there.
NTA If he breaks up with you because you went on a family trip, he absolutely does not love you no matter what else he says. If you go on the trip and he “figures out” a way to stay together, then he’s a manipulative liar. If you don’t go because of him, he’s controlling your life. It’s kind of lose/lose/lose for him, unfortunately. No healthy relationship is going to have ultimatums over this kind of thing.
NTA. This relationship gives serious red flags. Someone is not loving and caring if they isolate you from everyone that you care about. Fuck if he wants you to hang out with friends or not, what do you want to do? That's all that should matter and a healthy partner will support that. He's purposefully isolating you so that you loose your support system. This is dangerous. He sounds dangerous.
Yeah, I spy narcissistic lovebombing and whatnot. Those people are adept at appearing charming and smooth-talking. OP is NTA and should probably run for her life. The controlling behaviour will only get worse. OP, if you see this comment, just take a sheet of paper and write stuff down. What he said to make you feel guilty/faulty, times you felt uneasy around him. Might put things into perspective. Make sure he doesn't see this, if you do.
Your boyfriend is isolating you. He is forcing you to dump your friends, and even your family. He is deciding what you can do, how you behave, and he is using 'love' as a threat in order to make you 'behave' to his liking. This is not healthy. This is controlling behaviour. You're NTA, but he certainly is.
... NTA and break up with him. Alienating you and threatening to break up with you when you try to keep connections with your loved ones are abusive - he is isolating you so you will have no one to turn to when the abuse gets worse. He's not emotionally healthy if he can't stand you having friends, being with family, etc. It's not like you're even saying "he doesn't like being away from me so we always do every social gathering together," you have STOPPED meeting friends and traveling. You have stopped your passion because he "goes nuts" when you do. Break up with this dude.
I mean it‘d still be unhealthy if he went along everywhere, just *a little less* unhealthy than stopping her from doing it.
Agreed. Personally I view any couple that can’t be apart at all as unhealthy (including those that will hang with their friends and spend the entire time on the phone texting or FaceTiming each other).
NTA What’s he going to do if you DO go? Accuse you of cheating? Blow up your phone to ruin your time? I know you think it’s a good thing you “changed entarely” but what he actually did was find a way to cut you off from your friends.
NTA You are in an abusive relationship. He is isolating you from your close ones as first step… it will get worse
NTA. Your family sees what he's been doing. They're hoping this will make you finally see it as well. I'm curious, what are your ages?
100% they’re playing expert level chess to try and get her back.
Pretty boy is controlling and possibly insecure. I can’t think of a single good reason to try to stop you travelling- it’s new experiences, meeting people and learning about the world (even if it’s still the same country and you’re visiting family). The only regrets I have from when I was young is the things I didn’t do, not the things I did (ok, maybe there’s a few drunken dancing on the table episodes but it was the 80’s and there’s no photographic evidence) Go and travel, if he *really* loves you he’ll decide that keeping you in his life is more important than being ‘obedient’ to his whims. And if he doesn’t, then do you want to be with someone who makes your world smaller and restricted?
NTA 8 months together & he's mad at you & threatening to break up with you if you take a trip with your family... this is extremely unhealthy. This is how physically abuse relationships start. He went nuts because you visited your sister for 5 days. This occurred before you were in your relationship for 8 months... This is mentally & emotionally abusive. This isn't normal behavior. It's not cute or loving. You've been isolating yourself from others for him. You really need to look into love bombing, stonewalling, and brinksmanship in intimate relationships. You need to look up abuse cycles in intimate partner violence. You need to look up codependency cycles. Nothing about his behavior is normal or healthy.
NTA but you do realize you're dating a narcissist who is isolating you from your family, right???
NTA it seems as if he is cutting you off from friends and family and isolating you form something you love such as traveling as a deliberate way to control you. Why can’t he travel with you instead of insisting that you just not travel. Since it is a family event he should know you are safe if that is his major concern. You need to find out what his issues are with you traveling and having more extroverted experiences. I’m guessing he just doesn’t want you to do these things because he doesn’t want you to do them. Is there away to invite him to go along with you? If he cannot compromise on this or work with you to find a solution that keeps you actively engaged in your hobbies you need to dump him.
Sweetheart, please please listen to me.... You are in the love bombing stage of an abusive relationship. He is beginning the process of isolating You and breaking you down. All while keeping you interested by love bombing you. You need to cut and run now. This will escalate. It is not love. It is control. Please please read about abusive relationships and power dynamics.
NTA - run. He’s controlling and manipulative.
Three words describing him: manipulative, controlling and domination. This is just the beginning of abuse. You need to look past his looks and look at the things he will not let you do. Do not let him do this to you. Get away from him asap. Go with your family-break up before you go.
NTA. Red flag alerts everywhere though.
NTA. Isolating a woman from her family and friends "because he misses you" is the first stage in a dangerously abusive relationship. You're being groomed for a submissive, controlling, jealous relationship. It will continue to get worse. He will start to hurt you and scare you after you have no family or friends around to notice. Eventually you won't even be able to go to the grocery store without his "permission" and have to defend every phone call you make or receive. You will fear the signs of impending physical violence when you do ordinary things. Get out NOW before he gets any more obsessive and it's harder. And make sure he hasn't put any trackers on your car.
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He can’t stand being away from you for ten days, so he wants to break up with you… forever, presumably? That makes zero sense. NTA
NTA go on the trip. Your bf controlling you like that is really unhealthy. You should be regularly seeing your friends and family.
NTA but while in vacation tell him there is no phone service because he will be calling you a hundred times a day to guilt you and let you know what a crappy person you are. You are going to visit family not pacify him.
Tell him you’re going, and if he says one more thing about breaking up just say, “that’s fine, we’re finished and you can spend the rest of your life being away from me” and hang up the phone. That type of behavior may seem “cute” but it’s a major red flag for him controlling you down the road. Your family has been with you your entire life, him 8 months, and someday you may all be one family taking vacations together but you’re entitled to some “me time” with them in the interim.
He’s a manipulative, insecure, controlling AH. You need to get out of this relationship before you completely lose your sense of self and he breaks your self esteem to the point you doubt yourself and your decisions and can only rely on what he decides for himself about your life. GET OUT! Start with going on that family trip. Don’t let him stop you from traveling, doing what you want to do/enjoy. Don’t let him isolate you from your friends and family. He will only get more controlling if you stay. What’s with his logic - to break up with you because he can’t stand to be away from you for 10 days? If he breaks up with you, he’ll be away from you forever (as it should be). He’s trying to guilt you. Please don’t fall for it. I’ve been there and did that for 10 years. Get out!
OP, I hope you’re reading all of these. This guy is clearly used to getting his way and doesn’t handle it well when he doesn’t. This is huge narcissist abuser red flags. NTA
It's called isolation, not love. Run.
NTA and there are so many red flags about that guy. He is attempting to isolate you. Run fast and run far. He is dangerous.
Run. This is how abusers start. Alienating you from family and friends. Wanting to control you. This is trouble coming right down the track at you. Go in the vacation and break away from this controlling bully
NTA get the hell out of there… you already changed who you are in less than a year, in 3 years you won’t recognize yourself
NTA. But please know that he is being abusive and controlling towards you. It might feel like love but its not. Why do you want to be with someone who wont let you do what you love(travel)? Cause he is pretty and physically seem to be an amazing catch?
Seems like a red flag.
NTA. Go. This possessive crap gets really old really fast. You are in lust, not truly in love, and he is most certainly not the one for you. Never change your goals and dreams for someone, you’ll end up resenting him and yourself pretty quickly. It has been 7 months and this relationship is showing all the cracks. Have fun on your trip, stay longer with your family so you can make a clean break from the beautiful possessive boy.
Go on the trip. You’re dating an emotionally immature control freak. It will be a gift is he leaves you.
Ask yourself why he would break up with you if he would miss you so much while you would be gone. Why wouldn’t he want you to be with your family? Why have you changed so much? Why has he? If he loves you why wouldn’t he want you to be happy? Ask yourself these things. Then ask him. Things will get so much worse if you allow yourself to change yourself for him 😞
Yeah I don’t think you should be in any relationship if you’re this easy to manipulate and change. At this rate you’ll be locked up at home taking care of kids 24/7 and he will be cheating bc your marriage is boring.
You're being isolated from friends and family. That's a huge red flag.
NTA this is the groundwork being laid for an abusive relationship. This guy sucks
You need to go on the trip. And whether you go on the trip or not, you need to break up with him. He’s being controlling, he’s being manipulative, and he’s isolating you from everyone you care about but him. This is ABUSE. Get him out of your life NOW. Don’t walk, RUN away from him and never look back.
Oh hon. Please don’t change who you are for a mate, you will regret it later, I promise. There are plenty of people out there. I know it’s hard to see but please hold on to your dreams.
NTA. But dump this guy. Most abuse starts with isolating the victim from all their closed ones and it seems he has been doing that a lot with you. Don't date someone who doesn't like you meeting your friends and family for silly reasons like them missing you.
NTA. Making you distance yourself from everyone is a major red flag. Spending time away from each other is healthy, and if he really cannot stand being away from you for less than two weeks, he's bordering on codependent. It also sounds like travel is really important to you, and if he won't either let you go on trips alone, or go with you, that's something you need to consider. 8 months (at least to me) isn't a super long time, so it's possible you're still in a bit of a honeymoon phase - I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with this man, and decide whether he's good for you (or you're good for each other). A relationship should enrich your life, and it doesn't sound like this one is.
Go on the family trip no matter what. I just lost a few family members and I wished I traveled with them more when I was younger, and when they were still alive. I live with this regret everyday now.
This guy is giving major red flags 🚩 That’s some really toxic shit
Didn’t even need to read the post. NTA.
NTA. RUN, don’t walk away from him ASAP. He’s been slowly making you distance yourself from everyone you care about. So you become completely dependent on him and can’t think for yourself. He’s already trying to control your every move. Classic symptoms of a future abuser. Go travel and see your family. They’ll always be there for you. You can find another boyfriend who’ll accept that you have another life outside of him.
NTA Just go on your family holiday, and while you are at it, reconnect with your friends and start travelling again. This is not a healthy relationship. Quite the opposite. He will not break up but he will give you a hard time, because you disobeyed him. I bet he already does that.
So he has isolated you from your friends and family and has completely changed you. You're in an abusive relationship get out
NTA. The guy is cutting you off from everyone. Once he's succeeded, believe me when I say he will change. And not for the better.
NTA. There are red flags all over this post. He is likely emotionally abusing you. When somebody tries to control you and keep you from your friends that is emotional abuse. Get out while you can.
NTA- he sounds controlling. He is isolating you from everyone and threatens to break up if you spend time with your family. This is not a good relationship at all.
Break up with him. He's controlling. Why do you think he has any right to tell you what to do?
Nta. Break up. You don't realize it now, but you will, that has distancing you from everyone to manipulate you and be able to control you. And hope not, but in the future it could lead to an abusive relationship
NTA. This sounds like the start of a very toxic unhealthy and possibly abusive relationship. Go have a great time with your family and while you are away, reflect on the relationship you have with your bf, maybe talk to your sister or parents about it. You may see things differently while you are away from him
No NTA, if he really loves you he will let you go. Doesn’t sound like love anyway, sounds like possessiveness. He’s trying to isolate you, this will end badly
NTA You need to break up with him. What you may think as him missing you is rather very controlling and strange!
NTA Major red flags!!!!
RUN
NTA he's slowly manipulating you and it wouldn't be surprising if he becomes more controlling and possibly violent. This scenario happened to me multiple times.
NTA You need to break it off with this guy. His behaviour is toxic and eventually will very likely turn abusive mentally and physically. This guy needs to get therapy and work on his issues and maybe MAAAAYBE one day when he’s done enough work and introspection can you guys reevaluate your relationship.
Nta, that's toxic asf!!! Go spend time with family. He don't like it, find someone else...
You’re only going to be an AH to yourself if you stay with him because this isn’t love, is controlling and manipulative abuse. Get out while you can and don’t look back!
Not the ah here but mate just because he is dreamy doesn’t mean he’s not a psycho. Definitely leave him. You are worth so much more and I don’t think you want to burn bridges with family and friends.
My really handsome boyfriend did this to me and finally I couldn't wait to break up with him. It felt like a vacation.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/ Please check out the “how healthy is your relationship” quiz as well as the self-care quiz Based on all the signs please reflect. Sending you support.
NTA, honestly his behaviour sounds abusive and raises a lot of alarm bells for me. Consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to be.
He is a control freak he’ll run of all your friends and family if you let him you can’t let him control you like that Break up and go with your family it’s not like you’re going with other party animals. Protect yourself. I honestly think he is toxic run
Wow, you're being controlled, and you don't even realize it. Get away while you can.
Lol "I can't handle being away from you for 10 days so I'll threaten to be away from you forever." NTA at all. Hes not worth your time
He is isolating you intentionally. I have been there. Get out this is not a healthy relationship.
NTA He "can't stand being away from you" for less than 2 weeks but he could stand being away from you forever by breaking up? Girl, that makes no sense. Dude is trying to isolate and trap you. Go on your trip and tell him to kick rocks.
NTA Go with your family. Your boyfriend sounds 🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩🔥🚩
NTA Your BF is walking 🚩. He's toxic, abusive and is controlling you. You deserve someone better than him
Sweetie, you're in an abusive relationship
Go on your vacation with your family. Your boyfriend is isolating you from your loved ones and is using some scary manipulation tactics to keep you under his control. Do not be fooled by his good looks. NTA.
Your boyfriend is a toxic. Your relationship has almost every sign of a toxic relationship. It starts with isolation.
NTA go on the vacation. You sound fairly young and he’s super controlling. He has already successfully isolated you from your previous life without complaint, he’s only changed temporarily. DO NOT allow him to take this from you and your family. Plenty more fish in the sea. Live your life babes.
How old are you, OP? Someone who loves you wants the best for you and for you to be happy. Not isolated and away from friends and family. You said you've changed entirely. So you're not even the person he "fell" for, he's remaking you into some idea he has in his head. Listen to the others on here. No one has said anything indicating this is a healthy relationship and they're all fearful for you. NTA
NTA. You don't mention your age, but I get the sense you're pretty young. Which may account for why you don't recognize unhealthy, toxic, and dangerous characteristics in this relationship. I also feel we won't be able to convince you ronrexonsider this relationship. I am sure you both love each other. But, sometimes love can be dangerous or damaging. You're on your way there, placing his wants above yours. Good luck
NTA. This is a form of abuse. He is isolating you from friends and family so he can control you. Step back and take a really good look at this relationship before it is too late. Please don't stay with this man.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22 F) am with my boyfriend (21 M) in a relationship of 8 months. We met in a cute way, and fell in love right away. He is loving, caring, wants a family with me, many consider him the prettiest guy in the town, he is tall and really handsome. I'm really in love with him and all i wanted is to spend my life with him. We have a great time when we are together, but he changed me entarely. I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore. I accepted everything, he changed himself also, but i didn't ask him to do that. My dream was to travel and i went on 5-6 trips a year, but since i'm with him, i didn't go enywhere. I went one time to visit my sister for 5 days and he went nuts, saying how much he missed me and how he doesn't want me to go anywhere anymore. Now my parents want me and my sister to go with them on a vacation, they will pay for everything, the only condition is, that me and my sister go both, or noone will go. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go, he doesn't realise that i could ruin the trip for everyone, and since my father and my sister live abroad, i don't get to see them much, only once in three months or so. Today i told him that i wanna go and he got really pissed, he even mentioned breaking up with me, because he can't stand being away from me for 10 days. I really want to go with my family, but i also don't want to break up with him. AITA for going anyways? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: what are your ages? Do you live with your parents? Do you work or go to school? What does he do? If he wants you to stop travelling without him, is he willing to travel *with* you?
>We have a great time when we are together, but he changed me entarely. I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore. I accepted everything This is not a good thing. A loving, caring partner would not want to change you and isolate you like this. It's not healthy to not exist outside of your relationship and it's definitely not healthy to not meet with your friends and stop doing everything you like because of your partner. >I went one time to visit my sister for 5 days and he went nuts, saying how much he missed me and how he doesn't want me to go anywhere anymore Is this how you want to live the rest of your life ? NTA. Please go on the trip and re-evaluate this relationship.
NTA, but the behavior you describe from your bf is not OK - he is possessive, controlling, and emotionally manipulative. Go on the trip, break up with him and find a man that has the confidence to allow you to have a life outside the relationship or you will spend your life with man who will never allow you to have a life.
NTA on this one. As a warning, I highly recommend ending this relationship. My high school ex was exactly like this. He never wanted me to go on vacation with my family or go to college. He would use “I’ll break up with you” or “I’ll commit suicide” if I mentioned going on vacation or thinking of leaving for college. Because of him, I would get scared thinking he would self harm himself and make me never leave our hometown. Thanks to him I didn’t see my grandparents when I had a chance in high school. Luckily after dating this guy for two years and going to college, I realized I deserved better. I was able to meet my now husband and not once has he ever commented like my ex did. If anything, my husband encourages me to travel without him with my family and best friends. I do the same for him because we encourage one another with it being ok to have time for ourselves. Go on vacation with your family and break up with this person. Someone that truly cares for you would never pull this crap.
DUMP him. He may seem like the love of your life right now but this is the exact type of relationship you will look back on in 20 years and go ‘wow I can’t believe I let a boy ruin all my other relationships, control me, and tell me what to do’
NTA. Your boyfriends a controlling jealous jerk.
NTA. You've already been isolated from friends and family as well as changed who you are as a person for him, but he wants full control over your life. Stop giving it to him. Someone who genuinely cares about you doesn't diminish your world. They add to and expand it. Seriously, look how much power and influence you've handed over to this guy in only 8 months of being together. What's going to be left of *you* at the year mark? Two? Etc.? He claims he loves you so much he can't be away from you for ten days, yet he'll break up with you and be away from you forever if you go. Where's the logic in that? Go be with your family. Have fun. Regain a sense of self.
Why are you with this control freak who is alienating you from family and friends??? Go on that vacation and do break up with him. He’s not worth it. He’s abusive. Open your eyes NOW. NTA.
Nta. Super pretty people can be abusive. And he is an abuser. He may not have hit you yet, but he is hurting you. Isolating you. Controlling you - “he went nuts” - seriously? Be prepared that when you try to leave him, he will likely threaten to off himself. Don’t listen to the manipulation. It’s just noise. When someone loves you, really loves you, they WANT good things in your life. They want you to have healthy friendships and a healthy relationship with your family. They want to see you thriving. When someone just wants to OWN you, they will cut you off from your life and everyone in it. Do you want to be owned by this person? Or with someone who actually loves you and wants to see you thriving and living your dreams?
You need to rethink those whole thing. It’s only going to get worse when you’re married. Get out for your own sake. And also… NTA
Would you let your sister see a guy that stops her from having a social life because her bf said so? But it's OK because he stopped doing things too, right? Girl it's been 8 months and it seems you've been love bombed or you're tucked under his foreskin so you can't see it but keep your eyes open. Don't make any rash decisions like marriage just yet. SOCIALIZE WITH FRIENDS, you need your network, he's not your whole network. I'm scared for you but I won't say to leave him that's on you.
NTA. Save him the time and dump him first. If he throws a literal fit over you spending time with your family, that’s a MAJOR red flag. Why does he want you all to himself? He sounds abusive. That’s how it starts. They alienate you from your friends and family and try to change everything about you. Leave him.
NTA. He sounds like he has separation anxiety, get him to a therapist or something.
NTA your boyfriend sounds creepy And controlling and manipulative
8 months and already in love? You’re infatuated with this degenerate, it’s not love. What you’re seeing is potential in him and what you think he could be. Meanwhile he’s showing you exactly who he is. Your rose coloured glasses are on and you can’t see/think straight after hearing “wants a family, spend life with me” BS. This the classic divide and concur stage. He’s trying to isolate you from your family. Bet he will attempt to get you pregnant very soon to slow you down and be locked with him forever. Bet he has another woman he’s trying to manipulate as well. Don’t walk. RUN.
NTA- he can't stand to be without you for five days, but he's willing to break up with you and never see you again? Both can't be true. That's a lie designed to make you do what he wants.
NTA, he wants to control you as I see it. The fact that he’s keeping you away from your friends and family is huge red flag ! You should take back control of your own life and not let him decide your every move. I personally think you should be the one to break up with him.
NTA - he’s an abuser.
NTA, you need to break up with this guy.
Hehe, textbook manipulation to separate you from your family goes BRRRRRR!
Coercive control red flags galore. Break up with him - he’s already changed you and your life for the worse. He’s been chipping away at you for 8 months. Imagine this in 8 years. Make sure you’re somewhere safe and that you have all your belongings that he may have, and that you notify friends and family who can be near by if you need help. Good luck
NTA. Dudes guilt tripping you into spending time with your family.. Lol comeon get real.
I've been with loving boyfriends, and they have never stopped me from doing the things I loved or seeing the people I care about and vice versa. A healthy and loving relationship has two partners who want to see their partner grow socially and have a good relationship with the people they love. It's about being independent individuals separately and building a foundation from both separate lives. This boyfriend that you have is not a caring boyfriend. He is a manipulator and you need to protect your life from him. Not only did he change, but he has changed you, and it does not sound like you are happy with it. I wouldn't be in your shoes. You are still young, I'm sure of it. Do not settle for someone who is isolating you from the world like you're a princess in the tower.
Run.... don't walk, RUN! Soon, you'll be completely isolated from family, friends, and everyone you know. You'll be fully vulnerable and dependent on him. He's emotionally manipulating you and controlling you, the early signs of abuse aren't far behind.
Sweetie this isn't healthy I would go.and then break up with him even if it hurts. Nta
Hi, I’m so sorry you’re in this position because this is a bigger problem than you may realize. This is controlling behavior and a precursor for more. I know it may not feel “abusive” yet but these are early signs and red flags.
Lol I dated a guy like this before when I was much younger. Threatened to break up with me when I was going to go to a company dinner, threw a tantrum demanding to know who else was going to be there and how it was ‘inappropriate’ that I ‘would be surrounded by other men late in the night’ lol what an insecure loser.
Boyfriend is not a husband, hence, not family, hence NTA. You go out and enjoy your family, mama and papa won't last forever, and brothers and sisters won't be always together, enjoy your family now. There are many red flags on your text, try reading it again as if your dearest friend you care most has writen it.
NTA Do you want to deal with this behaviour forever? You deserve better.
Nta; take it from someone who skipped a family vacation trip & regret it whole heartedly. My ex was the same way and god forbid I went, he would do everything in his power to ruin my time. Don’t miss it, you’ll only regret it later 😭
🚩🚩🚩I see clear signs of coercive control. The man is controlling you with manipulation. RUN, run as fast as you can away from his toxic behaviour, before he becomes mentally and physically abusive. NTA
NTA- this relationship is really toxic you only known him for 8 months and yes there’s people who get married when dating for a less amount of time and things work out fine but for your case the way he is, is really not normal it’s toxic and unhealthy. He’s very manipulative you are excusing his actions because of his good looks and that’s dangerous he seems like the type to threaten to kill himself or you if you leave seriously consider ending things. A loving partner doesn’t want you to change or stop your interests they would support you. You’d be more compatible with someone of a similar life style who would love that you travel.
NTA >he even mentioned breaking up with me, Ok byeee Love it when the trash takes itself out! What exactly is the problem?
NTA RUN FOREST, RUN!! If he’s like this now, you don’t want to know what he’s like during a marriage.
NTA. Oh dear this is not a healthy relationship at all. Your bf has so many red flags. Your bf is isolating you and that’s not a good thing at all. This is usually how controlling and abusive relationships start. Go on the trip and break up with your bf before it gets worse
NTA, please do yourself a massive favour and dump this controlling AH. You’re in the esrly stages of an abusive relationship that’ll only get harder to get away from the longer it takes. 🚩 A person who loves you won’t want you to change your whole personality and life to revolve around him alone. 🚩A person who loves you won’t isolate you from your loved ones. 🚩 A person who loves you won’t threaten to break up because you’re not under their control.
Honey. Please. Leave. NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA
The first thought I had was, “ uh-uh …… buh-bye.” NTA
NTA. This dude sounds manipulative. Run for the hills. This type of person is trouble.
NTA, you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, get out now.
Big red flag run away!!!
NTA, this is just terrifying to read. please follow the advice stated above please, I am terrified for you.
He cnt be without u for 10 days but willing to break up with you for good ? How does that add up ?
NTA. The fact that this person is isolating you from your family and friends is a huge red flag. It isn't okay just because he pretends it's because he loves you so much. It isn't okay just because he (claims he) changed himself as well. Going "nuts" because you spend five days with family is absurd. Threatening to break up with you if you have a ten-day vacation with your sister is absurd. He is trying to bully and control you.
That is not a healthy relationship and he will not likely change his attitude. Get out while you can.
NTA and girl!!! You NEED to. Real up with him if he’s being this controlling. This is dangerously controlling behavior and future you will hate present you for not taking him up on his offer to break up. You DO NOT want a life and family with this man. Trust an old woman on this. This is so many red flags I fear the factory will been to up its production to keep up. No decent man would keep you from your family like this.
NTA also your relationship sounds really concerning especially " I stoped partying, going out, meeting friends, traveling etc., i distanced myself from everyone and everything because he didn't want me to do those things anymore." so he has cut you off from any form of support and things you like to do, generally this is considered abuse
!updateme
You are NTA and your boyfriend has been systematically isolating you from friends and family. Go on the vacation with your family and dump this man's sorry ass. You do not need that kind of person in your life get out while you can
NTA He is guilt tripping you. It seems like your boyfriend only wants you to focus on him. It’s a MAJOR red flag. You already gave up your happiness to go out, see friends, and spend time with your family as you are afraid to lose him. TIME TO END EVERYTHING!! Good luck!!!
NTA.
🚩1. You were loved bomb at the beginning of the relationship. Then you were roped into commitment way too fast. 🚩2. You were immediately isolated from your friends and family. 🚩3. Now he is using manipulation tactics to control your decisions and moves. 🚩4. It's either his way or no way. He threatens to leave you if you don't do what he wants. An Ultimatum if you don't obey him. Save yourself from incredible pain and hurt that he will bring you (and potential children). The longer you stay, the worst it gets and the harder it is to leave. Mark my words, girl. It will end badly.
This guy is not the ‘catch’ you think he is. In only 8 months he has made you change your entire identity and made you believe it is what YOU want. Go on holiday with your family. Because I think they know!
NTA, If he's this intense after just 8 months, I dread to think how bad it'll be after 8 years. I get the word of internet strangers, who don't know you or your boyfriend, won't mean much, so please ask yourself; Would you be threatening to dump him if he went on a family holiday? Would you ask him to stop seeing his family just because you missed him? Can you imagine a future where you never get to see your family, or go out alone, and you'd still be happy? If you can answer 'no' to any of those questions, then I strongly advise you to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about boundaries. I hope you're both young and new to relationships so that there's a chance he can change, but if he dismisses your feelings and continues to insist you can't go, it most likely means he's either too emotionally immature for a relationship, or he's faking upset to manipulate you into staying/keep you from your family. Keep in touch with your family, no matter the outcome of the trip, you'll need their support. Don't cut yourself off from the world because a man wants you at his beck and call 24/7, live for yourself. Please keep us updated on how it goes and stay safe OP
NTA Red flag alert! This is but a peek. The tip of the proverbial iceberg. You are being catered to and gatekept for no good reason.
Ohhhhhhh he's a full on, class a, fucked up weirdo!!! Do not under any circumstances get pregnant to this guy! Your life will be over trust me! Ditch him, go on your trip, travel the world, fuck that guy !!?!
Family 1st, bf of 8 months, 👋 good bye
NTA 10 fucking days? He is threatening to break up with you because you're going on a family holiday for less than a week and a half? Run. Leave this manipulative loser behind. If he loved you like he says he does, he wouldn't threaten to leave you over a TEN FUCKING DAY family vacation. You've already detailed how this guy has pushed you away from your friends and killed your dreams of travel. Now he's trying to push you away from your own family. See the signs. This person is mentally unbalanced. They are potentially dangerous. They don't care for you or your family. You would be wise to dump his ass right now.
Red Flags!! Please leave that relationship.
NTA. Someone that loves you in a healthy way will want you to do the things that make you happy and will want what’s best for your well being.
Yeah, he is showing classic signs of being a manipulative sociopath (controlling you with guilttripping and getting you isolated from friends and family). GET OUT while it’s not too late. Seriously, I know you love him, but you will be thanking yourself one day for leaving him. Staying with him could ruin your life and the relationship with the people you love. You are young, and you will get over him, and you will fall in love again with someone better for you. Someone who will love that you have friends and a happy family who invited you on vacation. Someone who appreciates that you have hobbies and dreams and will love you for who you are. NTA
Even if it's not manipulation a partner that claims they can't live without you for 10 days and isolates you is dangerous.
How can you not see the red flags staring you in that face
NTA. There's nothing "nice" about a guy that won't let you be yourself. Go with your parents and your sister! If it really is love, he will let you go!
NTA. Read this VERY carefully. This is a toxic relationship. You love him and he’s the loveliest guy ever in the beginning (he’s love-bombing you), this won’t continue and his behaviour proves that; this is the early stages of an abusive relationship. You say he doesn’t want you going out, travelling, meeting friends etc (all the things that you love to do) but you stopped doing them because he wanted you to stop. In doing this and distancing yourself from the people around you, you have now isolated yourself and given him the power to control you and manipulate you, which he is now doing by guilt-tripping you and threatening to end your relationship if you go to see your family. Furthermore, he shouldn’t be going crazy after not seeing or being around you for 5 days, and he shouldn’t have any say in whether or not you go to visit your family members. A good boyfriend would tell you to have a good time, make the most of it and he’ll see you when you’re back. A good boyfriend would NOT freak out over the thought of it, panic about being apart from you for 10 days, and try to emotionally manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants. In submitting to becoming the person he wanted to become, he can get you to do what he wants by taking advantage of your emotions. He threatened to break up with you because he knows you’ve distanced yourself from most other people in your life, so you’ve likely become attached and emotionally dependent on him. This means that you likely frantically accommodate to him when he manipulates you usually because you’re desperate not to lose him, so you do as he says. He knows he has you wrapped around his finger. You need to either set some clear boundaries, be the person you want to be and he needs to accept that, or leave. Continuing as you are will only cause YOU harm.
I read 8 months…automatically NTA.
Well YTA this isn’t love if he doesn’t want you to go. It’s controlling- it might be best if you break up
YTA to yourself for not breaking up with him yesterday.... change that.
Tell him how rediculous he sounds and that you are going,make sure to be stern and dont put up with his bs.also if he mentions breakin up tell him to do it because i promise you honey that man is going to come right back if he can even get himself to uphold his word.
Yta for staying in a relationship with so many damn red flags of him being a abuser.
Why would that make them an asshole? Being manipulated makes you an asshole?
This post is such bullshit.
No ring, no opinion😊