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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my grandparents I won't attend family gatherings my half siblings attend anymore. Why do I think I'm TA? Because my grandparents make the effort to include me and I'm letting others keep me away. I know this isn't easy for my grandparents either and they just want their remaining family together. So I could be shitty for ending that for them.
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NTA. Never feel guilty about excising toxic people from your life, even if they are related. No one deserves to be called a "failed abortion."
If you want to see your grandparents, there is nothing wrong with sticking to small gatherings that you or your father organize. You do not have to go anywhere you feel unwelcome.
Be polite when invited to functions that your half-siblings will attend - like "I'm sorry, I have other plans. But I'd like to see you, can we get lunch together next week instead?"
Ask your grandparents if they'd like to spend time with someone who called them a "failed abortion." Do they know how badly the half sibs have treated you all these years?
I had to reread the ages of the siblings. Their behavior sounds like they were some nasty preteens but not some grown ass men.
And other grown ass people were standing nearby, heared those words and agreed to them? Disgusting.
Not another second would I spend in their presence.
Yeah....I'm actually of the belief that if the grandparents tolerate that behavior, they are equally to blame.
They should have kicked them out the first time it happened and told them to stay out until they learned how to be decent people. They weren't welcome until they learned how to behave. They should have said it to everyone in attendance.
You're absolutely right. Although if put in the grandparents shoes I would have a very hard time with this as it would likely mean I would be cut off from my grandchildren.
It would be the right thing to do for OP, but the consequences would likely be huge.
Not saying that the right decision isnt for the grandparents to cut off the half-siblings, but reddit really does have a great way of making life-altering decisions sound terribly easy and black and white.
yeah, it’s absolutely disgraceful. great example they’re setting for their own kids too. their mother would be disgusted with their behavior. the fact that family is standing behind them is appalling.
I just wonder what happened to half sibling dad? I mean the mom chose to be buried with the first dad. Clearly she loved him more than her current husband
I don’t necessarily think that’s true.
If her first husband passed, they may have had gravesites and a headstone established before she even met OP’s father.
My grandma is buried between her 2 husbands. My grandpa died before I was born - her name was already on his headstone and there was a place for her.
She remarried when I was a baby and her second husband was the only grandpa I ever knew. They were married 25 years when he passed.
They had purchased the plot next to my grandparents, and he was buried there.
My grandma eventually ended up right between them, in the plot next to my biological grandfather.
That doesn’t mean she loved my grandpa (technically step grandpa) any less.
My FIL lost his first wife to tuberculosis when he was young. He bought two grave sites and a headstone with both their names on it. He then remarried and had a long, semi-happy marriage with his second wife. When she passed, FIL made a plan to be buried with both of his wives. He was cremated and his remains split between the two grave sites. It seemed fair to me.
Whatever the reason, mom absolutely FAILED at integrating the children of her two husbands and teaching the kids how to all be siblings together. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but what the absolute fuck… There’s no way that didn’t have some sort of backstory. Those older siblings didn’t start being assholes the second she died. Something is wonky here way beyond grief over their dad.
And grandparents suck for not calling them out on it and for expecting OP to just suck it up.
The older siblings were just young kids when their dad died. It sounds like their mom did not take their feelings into account before getting together with someone new and they still resent her and everyone tied to her for it. And the grandparents are really just as bad for victimizing themselves in this situation rather than being the adults in the room and straightening their family out.
I wouldn't blame her. Sometimes kids just are never going to be open to the possibility, even if the parents are reasonable. So many stories here are reasonable stepparents hated just for existing.
Very similar story with my grandfather- he is buried between his wives. He purchased the third plot when he married his second wife. I always thought it was funny because they were friends in life and always thought he put himself in an interesting position to be nagged in the afterlife.
Similar situation with my grandpa. He lost both his wives, but chose to be buried next to his second wife. His reasoning was he was afraid her family would do something and move her. He was Catholic, her family was Mormon and they are buried in a Catholic cemetery, but the family wasn’t happy about it.
The plot next to my bio grandma went to my mom. My dad’s remains are buried there now and mom will eventually be buried there too.
I don’t know. I am planning to be buried with my late husband. That is the plan I made with him. Whatever happens next and won’t my choice is going forward has nothing to do with how much I care about my next partner/ it is very complicated when a spouse dies. I’m going to guess it has nothing to do with the second husband and everything to do with the kids’ unresolved grief.
That doesn’t always translate to ‘loved the 1st spouse more than the 2nd’. There are lots of reason why. My FIL chose to be unturned with his 1st wife but he loved his 2nd wife deeply
Agreed my mom's family owns two plots..... They figured out they could fit 6 urns of ashes on each plot... And that seems to be the general family burial plans until all 12 spots are used. 14 for the price of 2.
I have/had two wonderful friends who were married for about 22 years. J (husband) passed away recently. He is buried in his family's plot because there was already a headstone, etc. there. S (his second wife) will be buried five hours away from him because she'd already picked out a place before they married. It's not unusual for people to end up next to their first spouse (especially if the first spouse died) or end up between spouses.
Not just the half sibs though. Its a good chunk of the maternal family, with the exception of the grandparents and one aunt. The rest support the abuse of op. I dont blame you op, i wouldn't want to be within a country mile of your "family". Best to avoid them. Explain to your grandparents that your not turning your back, but preserving your front. Let them know you will always be family but its out of your hands. You will not be around those that make it damn well known you are not wanted. And then tell them your mother would want you to be happy, and you cant be happy with them in your life.
Your grandparents could also punish the people who actually deserve it and not invite your half- siblings telling them that as they are incapable of behaving like civil adults that they aren't welcome. You and your dad should starting hosting things and then don't invite your half- siblings and those that support them!
You half-siblings must be a very special kind of evil to look at a grieving teen who just lost his mom and say those things. Take comfort in knowing you mom loved you and that whatever is broken inside your half-siblings is not your fault.
You are NTA
Truly the worst shit I’ve read in a *while* on here. Grown adults telling a mourning teenager he’s not welcome at his own moms funeral? Calling him a failed abortion? Absolutely vile. I don’t really believe in hell, but sometimes I really hope it’s real.
Tell your grandparents that they are angry at the wrong party here. It’s reasonable for you to not want to spend an afternoon being insulted. If your half siblings don’t want a relationship with you they could simply ignore you or stay away from you at family events. They should be angry at them for driving you away, not at you for not wanting to be abused by them.
NTA
Yep, if they're mad you don't feel comfortable around your half-siblings, they need to be mad at the half-siblings. Do they know what the half-siblings have said? That they've called you a "failed abortion" and that you're a mistake your mom made, as is your dad? If so, they should be reading those "adults" the riot act, and also yelling at anybody supporting them. Absolutely disgusting behavior. You're NTA. Do what you need to protect yourself. Hopefully your grandparents will understand. Unfortunately not all adults are wise enough to realize you're not punishing them but protecting yourself.
I'm sorry OP, that's absolutely vile. Imagine being a grown ass adult and having nothing better happening in your life than to spread that kind of ugliness around your family. They need to remember you lost someone too
NTA -- You don't need to sacrifice your emotional well-being for your grandparents' misguided sense of family. Tell your grandparents that you have tried, you've been trying your whole life, and you are experiencing emotional fallout from it, that you'd rather strive to develop a healthy and normal sense of self-esteem and most importantly confidence, lest your prospects in life suffer too, as you have suffered for 15 long years.
You can love and enjoy your grandparents all the more without a crowd around.
ETA: They are being downright abusive to you. They should want to protect you from that, not try to talk you into enduring more of it.
Spending time with your grandparents without your vile halfsiblings will give you an opportunity to learn more about your family and especially, your mother. And, with your half sibs hurling insults, your grandparents really haven’t had a chance to learn about YOU. You can share what you are doing, your hopes and dreams without fear of your half sibs’ mockery.
Continue to shine, and don’t give your nasty relatives a second thought.
Can you just block your mom's side and move on if possible? You and your dad can cut all of them off and finally be at peace. Your mom won't hold a grudge from the beyond for that, she'd understand. My condolences to you and your dad though. NTA
What jerks her children were/are. Count yourself lucky to be rid of them. Don't punish yourself and her parents for their immaturity and ignorance. Definitely keep the relationship going but on a very limited basis. Ask grandparents to lunch or if you can come to visit. I found it helpful to my mental health to figure out a response ahead of time when asked about why I didn't hang around my drug dealing alcoholic brother that I could use to steer the conversation away from him and to keep that door closed. "that sounds like a great time, but I'm not going to be able to attend" is a full response.
again, they are jerks. Best of luck to you.
The other thing you can do is write them real, sweet, handwritten letters. Frequently. Send pictures, drawings, whatever is special from your life. They will cherish them and see what an amazing person you are.
So glad you're standing up for yourself.
I’m upset on your behalf that your half siblings have treated you like that your whole life. That is awful. They are adults now and they still haven’t grown up.
It's a good strategy. However, I feel honesty is the course to travel here. "My half-siblings make it clear that I'm not wanted and I don't need that." Keep your relationship with your grandparents, but be done with everyone else. They're just looking to make your life miserable.
NTA.
"they said I can't punish them for my half siblings behavior."
What's actually happening is your grandparents are punishing YOU for your half siblings' behavior by trying to coerce you into situations where you'll be mistreated. That is not okay.
Agree! Grandparents should protect op and not tolerate halfsibs bullying. By tolerating the bullying and harassment, and forcing op to attend they are just as big bullies as half siblings.
Not ops job to keep the peace, the adults should not put that burden on the kid.
I also don't understand the aunts and uncles. Like OP is his mom's bio son. He's not adopted. Which of course wouldn't make it ok either but he's as much "blood relative" as the half siblings. If any of my nieces and nephews talked like that about another I would have words with them.
I question if the grandparents even love OP because anyone who did wouldn't allow anyone who called him a failed abortion to be around them. And they did it at a family party too, so there's no excuse that his grandparents don't know how terrible his half siblings are. That's just insane.
NTA.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You do whatever you need to for your own mental health and peace of mind. I do hope you still visit your grandparents whenever you want to and not just cut them out.
I also hope that your half siblings experience a lot of bad shit in their lives for being so vile.
No offense to your mom but it sounds like she didn't have good boundaries and never set them straight on this bullshit. If she had, I don't think this drama would have happened. I also find it really cruel of her to have made her own funeral arrangements including being buried next to her first husband. Did your dad know beforehand? Also I find it disgusting that the grandparents have said nothing to squash this. Everyone is complicit and they're literally bullying a 16 year old kid.
My half siblings really kept crap to a minimum when mom was alive. They stored it all for when she died. They knew mom would put a stop to it and they wanted her in their lives. But once she was gone they could make sure to tell me and dad just how much they always hated us.
My dad won't get to be buried with mom. There's no spot for him. He'll either be buried alone or if he remarries maybe with his future wife.
Think about this OP.. I know it sucks but these are people 25 and older who are being awful people and holding something against you that you had literally zero involvement in. Your mom decided to get remarried. Your mom decided to have you. Just because they can't accept that their mother moved on and had a life after their father's death doesn't mean they have the right to treat you as less than a person. You are still related by blood.
If they say something again, tell them "you guys must live such a shitty existence if you constantly feel the need to talk down to me and call me names for the simple fact that I was born. I guess its a good think that I don't give a rat's behind what you think or what your position on me is. You mean nothing to me and I am confident that OUR mother would be mortified that you can't even be decent people and generally kind to her other child. None of you are good representations of the person that she was or the mother that raised all of us. She would be ashamed. You all need therapy for treating a 16 year old like this when all you are mad at is my existence which I can't do anything about."
"You are still related by blood."
Even if mom and second husband had adopted, there would still be no excuse.
OP should use your very good words towards the half-sibs, if he wants to bother.
My grandmother remarried after she was widowed. She was married to my step-grandfather longer, but she'd already committed years previous to be buried at my bio-grandpa's family plot. Doesn't mean she loved my step grandpa any less.
Remember that graves are only places for the survivors to congregate to remember those lost. If there is an afterlife, the proximity of their physical forms will be meaningless because they have the whole universe to be together with everyone they loved.
Nta
My father passed away when I was infant and my mother went on to marry another 9 times including in my fathers family. My father’s family felt they had the right to hold my mother behavior against me. I spent the first 30 years of life trying to be closer to them as I never knew my father so I thought I could know his huge family.
I never really had a relationship with any of them, the only outcome was hurt for me. Please step back and look at them shake your head and tell them your mother/sister/ aunt/daughter is looking down on you in complete disgust and disappointment.
I’m sorry but your grandparents too. There is no way one of my grandchildren would say to another “your a missed abortion” without me clipping their ear, and kicking them out of my house.
Accept that side of your family died with your mother.
It's possible they bought adjacent plots before either of them passed, in which case, neither OP nor his dad would have been part of the equation.
You can bury an urn in a plot that already contains a casket, FYI. So OP' s dad could still be buried with his late wife.
NTA... Visit your grandparents solo, not during family events. There's no need to force yourself into miserable situations. You'll be much happier without that family in your life.
This is my advice too. Those half siblings are beyond awful. Visit and communicate with only your grandparents. No need to make a song and dance of not attending family events. Reply no thank you to any family event and they’ll get the message sooner or later. Enjoy warm visits with your grandparents. Anyone who happens to stop by can be given the same treatment as any stranger just a polite greeting. Don’t let the extended family rob you of a relationship with your grandparents.
Also, sounds like some of his mom's other relatives stood up for him too.
Maybe he should also keep in fond touch with those who have respected his mom by supporting him and just decline the large family invites.
NTA
“Grandma, Grandpa I love you but being in my siblings presence feels like a punishment to me. I spend a day listening to them hurl insults and abuse at me while I’m very rarely defended. I don’t leave these events feeling like family. I leave feeling unwanted, alone, depressed, and in need of immediate therapy (which I actually recommend for you OP). I love you but I’m protecting mental health and choosing myself because it’s clear to me that majority of the family agrees with my siblings bad behavior. I won’t speak negatively about the family, but I want to heal from this, and that means not being involved with them.”
OP I am soooooo beyond sorry your blood is treating you like this. Please remember therapy exists for a reason and family isn’t just what we were born into. I have collected a lot of amazing people throughout life and I happily claim that I have more sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, etc than I grew up with. I hope you find acceptance and love.
NTA. If they cared for their mother like they said they did, they wouldn't hurt her by hurting you and your father. She clearly was involved in your life and cared for you, and by treating you like a mistake, they are actively disrespecting her memory and you as a person. You're right to set a boundary for how you want to be treated, especially by supposed "adults."
Here’s the thing about boundaries, you can only control your own behavior. Your grandparents won’t enforce any healthy boundaries of their own, so they are actually punishing you. Removing yourself from that emotional minefield is pretty healthy IMO
NTA
NTA, your half-siblings' actions are beyond cruel and horrible. At this point its just evil. So don't expose yourself to their poison. What I don't get though, is why your maternal family is basically going along with their toxic behavior. It's just bizarre.
NTA. The fact these adults have been absolutely shredded for being so heinous to a child shows what both your grandparents and the rest of the maternal side.
Tell your grandparents if family and blood are so important then why are you allowed to be so ruthlessly bullied and mocked, why nobody does anything worthwhile. That given nobody will treat you like family, them included, then you have no reason to act like family to them.
NTA. You said that some of your aunts and uncles speak to you, but only to make excuse for your half-siblings. I would assume that some of them are the children and possibly siblings of your grandparents? I would just let your grandparents know that they have allowed their grandchildren to taunt, ridicule, and torment a child who has lost their mother, and they have stood by while other family members (except your aunt) have made excuses for those grandchildren. Every single person that has made excuses for your half-siblings is just as guilty as they are for condoning saying such horrible things to a child that has lost their mother. What's even worse, your grandparents have been complicit in all of this by not putting a stop to it long ago. I would let your grandparents know that if they really cared about you, they would have put a stop to the nonsense that is coming from the mouths of all of their family members, but unfortunately, that never happened. Instead, they are asking a child who is being bullied by adults to be the bigger person. Let them know that it is obvious that they had the opportunity to put a stop to this and didn't. They are allowed to be mad all they want, but you refuse to be harassed by grown-ass adults who showed their true colors before your mother's body was even cold.
Honestly, I would also throw in that your mother would be ashamed of their actions and incredibly disappointed that they refused to stand up for you and instead left you to the wolves.
NTA they are cruel people, hurling such abuse at a 16 yo who just lost their mother (I'm sorry) and the best thing you can do is stay away from them. Tell your grandparents you're happy to see them one on one, but as you have been unfairly ostracized by the family, you have no desire to continue to subject yourself to their abuse.
I'm sorry for you and your dad, and I hope you two find some peace, and love and support elsewhere. Your mom's family is cruel, and you don't need that.
NTA, I read another post where OP hated their step parent and half- siblings and treated them like crap. Until OP became a step parent themselves one day and they were treated the exact same way they treated their step parent and half - siblings. It made them feel like crap and very remorseful and when they tried to apologize to their half- siblings. The siblings told them to pound sand and they got their karma. Your siblings are adults and should be ashamed of themselves so should the rest of the family that treat you the same way.
NTA. Your half-siblings are appalling human beings. Their attitude is disgusting. They are adults who should know better.
I'm sorry that you have lost your mom and I'm also sorry that you have lost your mom's family as a result of their comments. But you have to think of your own, and your dad's, well-being.
NTA Go to one more gathering. Record it. Tell everyone that you probably won't be coming to their family get togethers anymore so you're recording it in case you ever think about coming again you can remember why. They will probably double down and be even nastier. You'll have to have a thick skin. Go home and upload it to every social media account you have with post saying, 'This is why I refuse to attend any family functions on mom's side anymore. Most are verbal and emotional child abusers. I am only 16 and this is the treatment that I've received my whole life.' It's time for them all to understand what you feel like when they start getting blowback from family, friends, coworkers for their treatment of you.
NTA, this is so sad, and I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. Protect your peace op, you’re not obligated to continue exposing yourself to abuse for the sake of “family”. And your grandparents really can’t be too upset, because if they wanted you to continue to show up they should have done more to shut your sibling’s bad behavior down.
Just see your grandparents on your own time, and moving forward only surround yourself with people who love and support you.
If they’re calling you a failed abortion I call them a failed experiment with your mom and dad so NTA those pests don’t deserve to be in your life and pest control should be called on them so those rodents can be removed (just insulting them)
NTA Have your grandparents called out the rest of the family for stating you are a failed abortion? If not, that is something they can do and is something within their power. If they stand by and say nothing they are implying they agree with it. I am sorry but this is worth ruffling feathers. What is being said is vile. Your grandparents are elders of the family and should ask for basic human decency. Your mom was loved by many who are grieving her loss. She would be horrified to hear what is be said about one of her children. I am so sorry for your loss.
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I (16m) have three older half siblings from my mom's first marriage ages 25, 26 and 28. We lost mom last year. I live with my dad who was their stepdad for like 19 years. They never accepted me or my dad. I always knew it deep down. They kinda kept the peace for mom when she was alive but that was just not saying so much when she was alive but still not really engaging with me or my dad. They'd visit mom and have a very forced civility with the two of us. After she died they made it very clear they did not appreciate my dad organizing things. They said mom's true husband was their dad, and they were very smug when it came to light that mom organized stuff herself and that she was intending to be buried with her first husband/my half siblings dad. They thought that meant they could tell us we weren't welcome at the funeral. It was also the first time in years they took glee in telling me I wasn't really their brother and I was just the second mistake mom made after losing their dad. The first mistake being my dad. It became a huge deal and at the funeral they actually said they were diving the side the immediate family would sit. Anyone on their side recognized essentially that my dad and I were mistakes mom made and should not be there. A lot of mom's family sided with my half siblings, which stung.
My half siblings severed all ties to me and dad. They have been clear they want nothing to do with us.
My grandparents are the only maternal family who make the effort to include me still and be a part of my life. Aunts and uncles will speak to me, but some only do it to make excuses for my half siblings or to mention mom. There's a lot of family on my maternal side and that comes with birthday parties and stuff. Whenever my half siblings see me there they make it clear I shouldn't attend. They have started yelling that "the failed abortion" shouldn't be there. A lot of the family stand by them. My grandparents normally try to calm them and one aunt has called them out for treating me like shit when mom loved me too and I'm still their blood.
It's too much for me and now that some of them are married and having their own kids, it feels like if I keep being where they're at, I'm going to deal with things getting worse. So I told my grandparents I won't attend family gatherings that my half siblings attend anymore. My grandparents were really upset and told me I need to keep coming because I'm family and they said I can't punish them for my half siblings behavior. I said it feels like most people don't want me there and I don't like having to deal with the things they say about me.
I know my grandparents are mad and I get it. But I feel like I need to put myself first. AITA?
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NTA. Look forward to the day when you get married to the love of your life and all these relatives (not the loser half siblings) are desperate for an invitation. If you don’t invite them, they’ll be trying to figure out why. If you do invite them and they go, the loser half siblings will be left out and furious (and I love that for them).
NTA...you are a kid and they are adults but no one is holding them accountable as such. I hate to speak ill of the dead but your mom did you a disservice in never addressing this more fully. Your dad needs to step up and protect you from them, because they are harmful. Your grandparents can make the effort to see you, rather than expecting you to subject yourself to their abuse because "family". It's an unfair burden on a kid who just lost their parent.
Hard NTA. How anyone could treat you and your dad like that is shocking and appalling. I’m sorry your grandparents are upset but I don’t see how they expect you to be around such abuse. Just visit them at a different time. Please don’t subject yourself to anymore abuse from these awful people. I’m so sorry for you and your dad. Stay strong and be around people that love and appreciate you.
NTA.
You are right, you need to put yourself first. You should never be in a room with adults who call you "the failed abortion" and people who don't call them out on it and cut them out. Your grandparents can be as upset as they want to, but they failed you. They do not defend you, they do not stand up for you and thus don't treat you like family.
You are a CHILD, and it is THEIR JOB to protect you from this behavior, and they are FAILING. If they can't provide for your well being, it is then your (or your father's job) to distance yourself from the situation.
Sincerely, an unwanted little stepsister.
NTA. Shame on your grandparents and the rest of your mom’s family for treating you that way or allowing it to happen in their home. They should be the ones excluded not you. I’m sorry about your mom OP. Go live your best life with your dad and don’t worry about toxic jerks. You don’t need that in your life. Family we build is often better than those we are related to through blood.
NTA I can't imagine a bunch of adults treating a teenager this way, someone who shares a mom with them no less! They are just bullies who can't accept that their mom loved you and your father very much. Op, your mom undoubtedly loves you very, very much. She would not stand for this kind of behavior if she were alive.
Take note of their vile words and unfair treatment of you and let your extended family know that this is why you cannot be allowing them in your presence.
You are 16 and having to deal with this?? OMG! What the fuck is wrong with those people?? You did right, do not engage these horrible people. If grandparents want to see you, do it on your own time. Are grandparents the parents of your Mom? If so, that is even worse. If they are, they need to put their foot down and stop all of this. "Anyone that cannot be civil and cordial cannot attend said festivities ". Period. I cannot believe someone said that to you. I am horrified. What kind of awful fucking people would act like that?? I'm Sorry for you. Just stay away from them. They are trash.
First off, let me offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your Mom. Secondly, you are an exceedingly bright, well-spoken, and well-written young man.
I'm so sorry that your half-siblings are so toxic and that most of your Mom's "family" is feckless and passively aggressively cruel. I can't believe that ANYONE in your Mom's "family" would tolerate another family member referring to you as "the failed abortion"!!
You are NOT the rectal aperture!! MOST of your Mom's "family" are, though. You teach people how to treat you. Cultivate a relationship with your one decent Aunt, but have NOTHING to do with the rest of the "family" until your Grandparents create a modicum of civility at their "family" functions. These people are toxic and you need never apologize for wanting a safe emotional environment. UGH!! What awful, AWFUL "people"! 😤🙏
Easy NTA.
See if your grandparents are amenable to small, side gatherings where you can get to know them and they can get to know you. This isn't about punishing them. This is about not being willing to be abused.
As for your siblings, well... I would be sorely tempted to say something like, "Wow! It's amazing we share any DNA. Our Mom would never have behaved so horribly. Did you get that from your father? I'm so sorry. He must have been *absolutely vile*."
Because fuck them.
NTA. Clearly nothing good will come from being around your half-siblings, and surely there are chances to visit your grandparents without being around your more unfortunate relatives.
NTA. If your grandparents want to see you they should make arrangements to visit you. I wouldn't put anyone through what your half siblings have done to you
NTA, they are taking their resentment towards mom on you.
Live your life to the fullest and don't look back. Those ugly half siblings deserve none of your concern.
I heard a great analogy recently. Smaller birds like crows like to harass Eagles because they are not as agile. They will get right on their tail and pester them. Instead of turning to try to fight them, the Eagle flies higher and higher. Crows can't go as high as Eagles.
So, soar like an Eagle. Leave those crows behind.
NTA. Tell your grandparents that I'd they want you around, they have to not have your half siblings around at the same time. You aren't mistreating them, so if the grandparents actually care for you, they'll stand up to their other grandkids and tell them to be civil or get out.
Nta but your half siblings are appalling. Fine they don't like you but there is no excuse to be yelling things about the "failed abortion" to a teenager.
NTA. And hmm….25, 26, and 28. Odds are that *at least* one of them will end up with a blended family in their futures. That’s just statistics.
Karma is a bitch. Someday, these awful people will find one of THEIR kids being treated like shit by a step sibling or a half sibling. Maybe, they’ll have the ability to look in the mirror at themselves.
You don't need ugly in your life and these three are ugly. You're a grieving kid - I don't know the circumstances about your parents' marriage but you are an innocent party
Focus on yourself and please take care.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is an awful club to join and you definitely shouldn’t have to join at your age. Your half siblings are horrible people and you are better off without them. Keep in touch with your grandparents, you can have much better memories with them without the cloud of hate and bitterness your half siblings are determined to spread. Was your mom widowed from her first husband?
NTA. Your half siblings are not good people. They are small minded, emotionally weak, bitter people. They took their pain out on someone that had nothing to do with it. They are being unnecessarily cruel. You do not need to be around those kind of people. If that means you can’t be around your grand parents then so be it. If your grandparents value you they will stick up for you and make time for separate from your half siblings. I’d they don’t then you don’t need them either. Focus on the people in life that love you the way you should be loved instead of the people that should but don’t.
of course you're NTA.
Your half-sibs are, as are the people that exclude you. Some families just LOVE to pick a scapegoat, and congratulations, you are a convenient one.
Tell Grandparents you love them and will only come to visit them or the aunts/cousins that stand up for you, individually, because that's what you'd rather do anyway. That it's okay for you not to be part of the large gatherings because you wouldn't even have much of a chance to hang with the people who actually care for you in those situations, and you will not stand for being treated like a pariah. If they love you they will understand. If they get angry, gently remind them that they should be angry at the people who are bullying you, because THAT'S why you're not attending.
If your Grandparents, etc. are still mad at you and think you should play martyr because 'family' - well, then they're AHs too and you don't owe THEM any more visits.
NTA - It’s sad that in a sea of adults you’re the only mature one there. Your grandparents could do more than just tell you to suck it up for their sake but they’re choosing not to. If they want to keep in contact then it’ll have to be you and them.
The fact that these are GROWN ADULTS continuing to bully you, they need to be the ones unwelcome at family functions till they know how to be a decent human being. DO NOT let your grandparents guilt trip you. If they want to see you they can when it’s just the 3 of you, or not invite the gremlin siblings to some events. I think your one maternal aunt who had your back is the only one on your mom’s side worth any effort for.
NTA
But I would introduce myself to their kids as their grandmas failed abortion. I would tell their small children everything. Let their parents defend their choose of words. If it was appropriate to say to you as a kid, why is it not appropriate to say to their children? IATA
NTA- Your siblings are pathetic. A bunch of grown adulta acting like that IS disgusting and embarassing. They are cruel and you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to this. Your grandparents can be mad as much as they want.
NTA the fact that they allow you to be called those things shows they have no control over those awful people. They don’t want to put a stop to it then that’s fine but they don’t get to have you in their lives. Focus on your dad and his side of the family and cut off your mom’s side. If they try to guilt you about it just ask them. How will you explain this to my mom the next time you see her. How will she feel seeing this. What will she say when you allowed this. NTA
So you visit your grandparents when no one else is there. You make it clear to your grandparents that you are not willing to be abused by your half siblings. Remind them that they have campaigned to have you ostracized and poisioned by your mom’s family. And your mom’s siblings and relatives are ready to jump on the bandwagon.
Look your grandparents straight in the eye and ask them why they think you should subject yourself to this abuse. Remind your grandparents that they are unwilling to punish anyone, but seem to want to punish you. If you love them, remind them that you love them, you are just done with adults who behave worse than high school girls.
You absolutely need to put yourself first, you have your dad.
NTA. If you want your grandparents to be in your life or you want to be in their life, organize some stuff with them, alone. But if they ever invite your half-siblings, then cut ties with them as well.
You're old enough to choose and sincerely, you don't need all the baggage that comes with the 3 of them. Be happy, OP.
NTA and your grandparents should make it clear to your half siblings that they are ashamed of them and if they can’t treat you with respect, that they will not be as present in their lives. You are not the problem…..your mom’s family is and you should not have to be subjected to these horrible human beings in order to keep your grandparents in your life.
NTA It’s not punishing your grandparents for the sibling’s behavior, it’s you not having to submit yourself to their cruelty. The sad fact is that your maternal family does not accept you, and it is on the family to explain to your grandparents why.
You’re still a child. Your grandparents and the extended maternal family should be protecting YOU. Proud of you OP for drawing boundaries and doing what they have all failed to do.
Definitely NTA
You are entitled to put yourself first and these people seem like really nasty people. Ask yourself if they weren't related to you, would you be friends with them. Likely no as they are nasty assess. You don't even have to be politically correct and lie about your reasoning. If anyone asks you to a function and these people are attending - just say No, I prefer to hang around with nicer people.
Do not waste any more of your time or life on these asshats. Get on with living your life and be happy. So sorry about your mom.
Your grandparents need an unfortunate reality check. They have some really horrible family, who if they really care about you, they need to stop your half-siblings psychopathy, or they need to stop inviting them.
Insane to think you should keep showing up to be called such vile things, they need to recognise the actual cause of all this drama.
Never listen when people tell you to stop rocking the boat, when they really mean they want you to ignore other people rocking the boat. You didn't cause any of this, you shouldn't be the one responsible for making things work.
I agree you should try and find other ways to see your grandparents, but not at the cost of your mental health, they need to meet you halfway.
NTA, and as many others have said, your half siblings have chosen a life of bitterness and anger, that's their problem, not yours.
NTA - I’m so sorry you’ve got so much going on, and it’s really difficult!
If I were you I would honestly just cut that toxic behaviour out completely, forget about them and move on. Sounds ruthless, but it’s not something you should put up with at all.
As for the grandparents, you could try seeing them at seperate times, but I feel like they’d be like extra noise trying to get you to join in on family events again - which this I would also avoid, too.
It’s really difficult to navigate.
Look after yourself, put yourself first 💜
Honey, of course you’re NTA. I try not to speak badly of people because there is always at least one other side to a matter. That said, the way your siblings and some other family members have treated you is awful. You do NOT deserve that. They are deeply troubled people and it would really do them a lot of good to seek therapy.
It’s clear your grandparents adore you. I think that when they say they want you to be at all of the family gatherings, it is because they believe that you have a right to be there. That said, they are in the best position to shut down what your nasty relatives are saying. They are the heads of your family and should be respected and listened to. Please show them your post and the comments you receive. I hope it will convince them to step up.
Please know that your life has value. You were put on this earth for a reason and the world is a better place for having you in it. 💖
NTA
You are still a child. YOU need to be supported. Your half-sibs are adults, and bullies. THEY used your mom's funeral to bully, berate and devalue a teen who's just lost their mom. If your grandparents don't understand that the half-sibs are toxic and unsafe for you, that's incredible. If they do recognize it and want you to give your bullies more opportunities to denigrate you, that's unbelievable! What is more important than your mental health and safety from abuse?
NTA! Your half siblings openly verbally abuse you and no one is protecting you. Your grandparents want you to come for what? To be abused?
Nope. Stop going. Block everyone on your AH half siblings’ side. They want nothing to do with you? That’s fine. Grant their wish and protect yourself.
What kind of adult acts like that to anyone?! NTA, and the half sibs can take a long walk off a short pier along with anyone who makes excuses for them or tolerates their behaviour.
NTA, but I think the only ones who can really resolve this situation are your grandparents. They need to set up an alternating holiday schedule. Such as you get Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Eve one year while the twits from your mom's first marriage get Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Christmas. The next year, you get Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Christmas, while they get the other holidays.
NTA, you have to take care of your mental health too. This is not good for you and you can still see your grandparents. They should be all over the rest of the family for their behavior.
OMG you’re totally NOT TA. Who are these other kids and why are they acting like they are the bosses? They’re insufferable. I don’t even know them but I for sure wouldn’t want to be anywhere near those little shits. Why are the adults letting them act like entitled assholes?
Oh hun, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Your older siblings sound like terrible people. Never apologize or feel guilty for exercising boundaries to protect your own mental health. NTA.
NTA. If anything, half siblings should be excluded by grandparents for being horrible people. They’re all adults who should know better and have to face consequences for their actions. You’re literally a kid who’s also mourning your mom and don’t deserve any of this.
NTA. Your siblings are disgusting and horrible people. Talk to your grandparents again and ask them if they really want you to suffer the abuse you do when you attend. Ask them if it is okay with them for you to feel depressed and sad for days on end after every one of these get togethers just for them to have you there? If I were your grandparent I would tell everyone on that side of the family that any person who continues to treat you that way will be cut off from these family get togethers, because you don't deserve that and you will ALWAYS be invited as family.
NTA - unfortunately your grandparents are enabling this behavior if they allow it to occur at their home, so yeah, LC is the appropriate response. You & your dad should start a new family and go live your life. I'm sure your mom wanted to see you happy.
Sorry to your so called siblings but as soon as your mother married your father he became her next of kin. They are narcissists along with every person who sides with them. Instead of playing king of the mountain at a funeral they should be mourning your mother. You are protecting yourself and your mental health. If your grandparents can’t protect you a MINOR from adults then they have no reason or any legal to stand on when you won’t subject yourself to their bullying. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Dude stop the soft stuff, visit your grandparents, skip the huge events. When somebody ask you why you're not there tell the truth. Live well and embrace the peace. NTA
NTA. What is wrong with your grandparents? They should be protecting you from these people, not be insisting you come and be abused by them. The half sibs are all adults and shouldn't be acting that way. Definitely cut them out of your life.
NTA. You made a very mature decision to put your mental health ahead of the abusive people in your life. Your siblings are adults behaving like kids and are just a bunch of bullies who need to grow up.
My therapist once told me that if family isn't behaving like family, you have no obligation to see or treat them as family either. It was good advice. I'm finally cutting the toxic people out of my life and am much happier. I wish I'd had the guts to do it when I was a teen instead of letting my Mom's extended family bully me and make me feel defective the first 35 years of my life.
Congratulations on putting yourself first! I hope you'll be much happier with your Dad and the people you choose as your family. I'm sure they'll treat you better than your half siblings, who sound like the most heartless people on the planet and I'm sure your Mom would be devastated to see how they're treating you. My grandparents have been gone 15 years and my Mom still tries to keep the peace between her siblings because she feels like she's letting my grandparents down otherwise and worries they'd be disappointed in them all, which is why I had to choose to cut the bad family members out of my own life even though it uoset my Mom. Trust me, your mental health and self-worth are way more important than biology.
I don't get it - how are people like that? If you don't like someone, be civil to them, at least greet them but you don't need to be close to them.
NTA. Don't go.
There's not accepting you as a part of the family. And then there's downright cruelty. Regardless of how the feel about you, you exist and their behavior probably has your mom turning in her grave. Your grandparents should take a side- their daughter's side- and refuse to allow this behavior in their home. You are NTA, you shouldn't have to endure this.
You can just make it more personal for grandparents by coming for a visit on your own, or with your Dad (you may not be driving yet). Take time to do some easy outings, or meals out at a restaurant with them. You can still love them, share time with them and be close to them. It wil just be structured a little differently.
The upside to all this is in addition to not having to deal with the problematic members of your maternal side, it will be a much more cozy visit with more actual interaction with them. I think they would value this a lot.
NTA. Who is really getting punished here? Your grandparents or you? Sounds like you are. You can always go see your grandparents when others are not around.
NTA
I am so sorry for your loss. It was hard enough losing my Mum as an adult.
I have full siblings, half siblings and step-siblings, some of my half siblings have half siblings of their own. There's niblings and some are blood, some are step, some are adopted, they are all just nieces and nephews.... none of us would ever say anything so vile to any of the others. You don't deserve this, your father doesn't deserve this and I hope you and your Dad can find comfort in each other moving forward.
They are being so loud because you make them uncomfortable. Your NTA. But I suggest you keep going and show them you are not bothered. Infact kill them with kindness. Start asking them what you did to deserve being treated like this. Ask them directly to their face. Ask why being born makes you worth nothing. Ask why they hate their mother so much they won't love a piece of her.
NTA. You need to protect your peace, and you should not go somewhere that you're constantly nukes, harassed and demanded. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Tell your grandparents you've given the steps too many chances, and you won't subject yourself to it anymore. Trek then you're happy to visit them, and celebrate with them, separately but no more with the steps.
The only people they should be mad at, are your awful steps.
NTA and I think you need to claim your place in the family like the Spartan kids done when there were disputes. If you the only kid left standing how can they refuse your presents lol.
NTA
Shame on them for bullying a teenager, and shame on everyone who is ok with it, or only sticking up for you but not stopping it.
Your mother would be devastated and **disgusted** by their adult children and the rest of the family if she could see them now.
If they are so upset that you don’t come why are you the one that has to suck it up? Why can’t your half siblings suck it up and be nice? If someone has to change in order to make grandparents happy it should be them not you
NTA. It's one thing to tell a step that you don't feel the same towards them as a full sibling. It is entirely another thing to call you a failed abortion. Do your grandparents know that is what they say? I would make it very clear to the grandparents that you won't stand for that kind of treatment. Ask your grandparents what your mother would have thought of that kind of behavior? Did she raise her children to act like that?
Nta. The people your gparents need to be mad at are your siblings. They’ve made it such an unwelcoming environment that you’re unwilling to attend. That’s on your family, not you.
NTA. Your grandparents need to have it pointed out that in their effort to 'not punish' themselves they are punishing YOU. They are adults, you are not. Have they even done anything to push back on this behaviour?
NTA. Your mom would be ashamed of them for the way they are acting. Next time I would tell them that. “The way you treat me is awful, and mom would’ve been ashamed of the people you turned out to be if this is behavior you think is acceptable.”
NTA, I will never understand people limiting love. Children can love more than one parent or grandparent. Parents can love more than one child. Spouses can love more than one partner.
Your mom loved you and your dad. She’d be so hurt by her children’s actions. Tell your grandparents you have thought long and hard about this, and your mom would disown her older children for how they are acting, so you are disowning them for her.
Oh I’d go to every single one of those get togethers and anytime they say anything I’d respond with “I was moms kid too and she loved me, you’re a disgrace to her memory and she’d be absolutely disgusted with your behavior right now. That’s why you didn’t have the courage to say any thing until she was gone. You knew she’d be disgusted and disappointed in you”
This is the right thing to do. If they want to spend time with you, go to them on certain days and do things with them, take them to lunch or just spend the day with them. They can see you without family gatherings and still have a healthy relationship
NTA - your grandparents are the leaders of the family or should be. They should have put the kabash on these shenanigans. You are not punishing them. You are protecting yourself. If your well-being and inclusion was that important to them, they would have stepped up and smacked down all the crap your half siblings created. I'm sorry, but take care of you.
nta - ask your grandparents why they are allowing you - a minor - to be verbally abused. Your grandparents should cut off the older half siblings until they learn to be mature adults.
NTA
Whi cares that they’re mad?! They need to shut the bullshit down. Period. And since they can’t then they can choose the kids they have continued to choose since before your existence. Inviting them and allowing them around to mistreat you is making them happy while forcing you to light yourself on fire to keep your grandparents warm. That’s not your job.
I’ll believe they’re angry and that it’s worth something when that anger is directed as the grown assholes bullying a fucking child.
NTA
Response to grandparents “I love you; I still want to see you but the way they speak to me is not okay and nobody should be accepting of that. Being related is no excuse for allowing toxic and abusive behaviour. I hope we are still able to spend time together away from larger family events”. If they push back, you can either just repeat this - setting a boundary - or you could give examples. Sounds like your grandparents are in the fog though so examples won’t work. They know how they speak to you and still want you to see them which is a form of abuse in itself.
Response to your half siblings if you have to see them again. Practice. Work on staying completely calm and even toned and walking away “Wow. You must lead pretty awful lives to think that speaking to someone/a teen/your blood sibling that way is acceptable. I feel sorry for you”. Then walk away. No matter what they say, walk away. They will likely go nuclear once they realise you aren’t engaging in it so practice being calm and not biting back.
I have a brother who is a jackass and I have a MIL who was awful to me for many years OP. It took me a really long time to learn some lessons around 1. I don’t need to allow anyone into my life “because they are faaaamily” and 2. The best response you can give is to stay calm and show they don’t get to you. Even if they do get to you….don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing it. You will hold the higher ground over time if you can maintain this.
NTA - I'm sorry you had to deal such toxic responses from people you thought were family. I have never been in your shoes, family-wise. But I have been around toxic people and it can be a severe drain on your psyche. I know it hurts but by going to those gatherings, you are allowing them to continually hurt you. If your family really loves you, they will respect your choice to sit out some of the family gatherings for the reasons you mentioned. They may even seek YOU out to see how you are doing. Now those are the people you may want to hang on to.
Politely let your grandparents know you can visit them anytime they like, if you agree with that suggestion. But let them know that you have to do this, and let them know why. If they see the reason, maybe they will do something about it to change the situation. For now, protect your sanity.
NTA. They clearly don't like you or your dad and they do not consider you family. Let your grandparents know they are welcome to come visit you or do outings with you as long as they do not bring your toxic 1/2 siblings with you. Inform them there will be no Hallmark reunion and that's OK.
NTA. You need to ask your grandparents how your mom would feel about the way they ALLOW your half siblings to treat you in their house. Sorry for your loss ❤️. Protect yourself.
NTA. However maybe you could make an effort to see them much more outside of family gatherings. Grandparents are a treasure and yours sound amazing. As for those half siblings, they are way too grown to be bullying a child and taking so much joy in being cruel. Shame on them. Document any shitty things they’ve said to have in pocket for emergencies down the road. I wish you and your dad the best kiddo. Protect your peace, stay classy and remember how your mom would want things to be.
You do need to put yourself first. Because not even your grandparents are doing what is best for you. If you’re being referred to as “the failed abortion” you never need to go back. They don’t want you there and they won’t be civil. You shouldn’t endure abuse from anyone. If they try to guilt trip you ask them why they want their teenage grandson to be abused? Enlist your dad’s help in this. He needs to run interference on your behalf and protect you from this shit.
NTA
Don’t punish yourself and your grandparents. Show up and show out. Have a blast at every single event. Be the life of the party. Talk to everyone except your half siblings. Ignore them completely. Pretend they don’t exist. Bring extra food and drinks. Make sure everyone notices you. Be everyone else’s best friend. Make it super uncomfortable for your siblings to talk bad about you. Win by having fun.
For your emotional well being, you are right. Why go when the bulk of them don't only not welcome you, but insult you as well. Visit your grandparents, keep that relationship intact, but only when the others aren’t there. Attending just allows them the opportunity to be mean to you. What horrible people they are, but, should any one of them loose a spouse and remarry, karma will find them.
NTA
But now you need to make the effort to spend a lot more time with your grandparents. How often do they come over to your place? How often do you go out and do things with them? How often do you go over to their place?
Having closed the family gathering route of being with them, now you need to open other routes of being with them. And, frankly, the onus is on you since you're the one who closed the other route. At age 16, you're certainly old enough to pick up your phone and invite them over or out or ask if you can come over. And you should be letting them know about events in your life for them to attend.
Show them with actions that you're cutting off the rest of the family, not them.
Eventually, as these half siblings' own marriages face problems and possibly disintegrate they may be able to gain some insight into how horrible they have been to you. Especially if they find themselves trying in future to create blended families of their own. I am sorry they are being this way. You have every right to protect yourself but please, keep in touch with your grands.
NTA you’re a literal child and they are adults acting like total antinatalist a-holes. I am sorry your grandparents can’t see it. I’d just go NC and live my life. You don’t need this BS.
Umm,
This might seem too obvious, but you can visit your grandparents when others aren't around.
Don't want to attend family christmas, just go visit a week before hand or something.
>They have started yelling that "the failed abortion" shouldn't be there. A lot of the family stand by them.
This is unexcusable. Not just your half siblings, but those who support them.
Your grandparents may try to "calm them down", but they're certainly not standing up and setting boundaries here.
You should not have to attend get togethers with these people. They are nasty and vicious to you and you really do not have to have anything to do with them. Can you visit the grandarents when the others are not there? I hope you can work out how to visit them. Go completely 1000% NC with the rude and vicious children of your mom's first marriage. You really do not have to put up with them...I am sorry you had to deal with them at all...Move toward and forget these cretins exist.
Good luck....and just remember the good times with your mom🤗💙
Any decent adult would have put a stop to this immediately. It's obvious that your mother's family lacks any decency from the grandparents down to the brats you call half-siblings.
Nta. Those adult are inhumane.
Your mom IS your mom. She kept you. Raised you. Loved you.
You are NOT a failed abortion and those 3 are awful. I’m sorry. You deserve better.
Maternity is not based on their emotions. You are her child.
Your grandparents are punishing you by tolerating their gross behavior during family events.
Well, I don’t think so. You’re being treated monstrously and it hurts. If you can make alternative plans to see the ones you like when the ingrates aren’t there, or invite them to your place, better yet. I wish I’d done more of this when in a similar situation. Now, it’s too late, almost everyone is dead, but I get the pain. Show your grandparents you love them in other ways.
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NTA. Never feel guilty about excising toxic people from your life, even if they are related. No one deserves to be called a "failed abortion." If you want to see your grandparents, there is nothing wrong with sticking to small gatherings that you or your father organize. You do not have to go anywhere you feel unwelcome. Be polite when invited to functions that your half-siblings will attend - like "I'm sorry, I have other plans. But I'd like to see you, can we get lunch together next week instead?"
I can do that. Hopefully they can grow to accept it if I handle it this way.
Ask your grandparents if they'd like to spend time with someone who called them a "failed abortion." Do they know how badly the half sibs have treated you all these years?
I had to reread the ages of the siblings. Their behavior sounds like they were some nasty preteens but not some grown ass men. And other grown ass people were standing nearby, heared those words and agreed to them? Disgusting. Not another second would I spend in their presence.
Yeah....I'm actually of the belief that if the grandparents tolerate that behavior, they are equally to blame. They should have kicked them out the first time it happened and told them to stay out until they learned how to be decent people. They weren't welcome until they learned how to behave. They should have said it to everyone in attendance.
You're absolutely right. Although if put in the grandparents shoes I would have a very hard time with this as it would likely mean I would be cut off from my grandchildren. It would be the right thing to do for OP, but the consequences would likely be huge.
Not saying that the right decision isnt for the grandparents to cut off the half-siblings, but reddit really does have a great way of making life-altering decisions sound terribly easy and black and white.
yeah, it’s absolutely disgraceful. great example they’re setting for their own kids too. their mother would be disgusted with their behavior. the fact that family is standing behind them is appalling.
I just wonder what happened to half sibling dad? I mean the mom chose to be buried with the first dad. Clearly she loved him more than her current husband
I don’t necessarily think that’s true. If her first husband passed, they may have had gravesites and a headstone established before she even met OP’s father. My grandma is buried between her 2 husbands. My grandpa died before I was born - her name was already on his headstone and there was a place for her. She remarried when I was a baby and her second husband was the only grandpa I ever knew. They were married 25 years when he passed. They had purchased the plot next to my grandparents, and he was buried there. My grandma eventually ended up right between them, in the plot next to my biological grandfather. That doesn’t mean she loved my grandpa (technically step grandpa) any less.
My FIL lost his first wife to tuberculosis when he was young. He bought two grave sites and a headstone with both their names on it. He then remarried and had a long, semi-happy marriage with his second wife. When she passed, FIL made a plan to be buried with both of his wives. He was cremated and his remains split between the two grave sites. It seemed fair to me.
Whatever the reason, mom absolutely FAILED at integrating the children of her two husbands and teaching the kids how to all be siblings together. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but what the absolute fuck… There’s no way that didn’t have some sort of backstory. Those older siblings didn’t start being assholes the second she died. Something is wonky here way beyond grief over their dad. And grandparents suck for not calling them out on it and for expecting OP to just suck it up.
The older siblings were just young kids when their dad died. It sounds like their mom did not take their feelings into account before getting together with someone new and they still resent her and everyone tied to her for it. And the grandparents are really just as bad for victimizing themselves in this situation rather than being the adults in the room and straightening their family out.
I wouldn't blame her. Sometimes kids just are never going to be open to the possibility, even if the parents are reasonable. So many stories here are reasonable stepparents hated just for existing.
Very similar story with my grandfather- he is buried between his wives. He purchased the third plot when he married his second wife. I always thought it was funny because they were friends in life and always thought he put himself in an interesting position to be nagged in the afterlife.
Similar situation with my grandpa. He lost both his wives, but chose to be buried next to his second wife. His reasoning was he was afraid her family would do something and move her. He was Catholic, her family was Mormon and they are buried in a Catholic cemetery, but the family wasn’t happy about it. The plot next to my bio grandma went to my mom. My dad’s remains are buried there now and mom will eventually be buried there too.
I don’t know. I am planning to be buried with my late husband. That is the plan I made with him. Whatever happens next and won’t my choice is going forward has nothing to do with how much I care about my next partner/ it is very complicated when a spouse dies. I’m going to guess it has nothing to do with the second husband and everything to do with the kids’ unresolved grief.
That doesn’t always translate to ‘loved the 1st spouse more than the 2nd’. There are lots of reason why. My FIL chose to be unturned with his 1st wife but he loved his 2nd wife deeply
It’s more of a first love thing I think. The second love would never exist if the first one didn’t die.
It could have been because they already owned a plot for her
Agreed my mom's family owns two plots..... They figured out they could fit 6 urns of ashes on each plot... And that seems to be the general family burial plans until all 12 spots are used. 14 for the price of 2.
I have/had two wonderful friends who were married for about 22 years. J (husband) passed away recently. He is buried in his family's plot because there was already a headstone, etc. there. S (his second wife) will be buried five hours away from him because she'd already picked out a place before they married. It's not unusual for people to end up next to their first spouse (especially if the first spouse died) or end up between spouses.
According to the post, he died.
Not just the half sibs though. Its a good chunk of the maternal family, with the exception of the grandparents and one aunt. The rest support the abuse of op. I dont blame you op, i wouldn't want to be within a country mile of your "family". Best to avoid them. Explain to your grandparents that your not turning your back, but preserving your front. Let them know you will always be family but its out of your hands. You will not be around those that make it damn well known you are not wanted. And then tell them your mother would want you to be happy, and you cant be happy with them in your life.
Your grandparents could also punish the people who actually deserve it and not invite your half- siblings telling them that as they are incapable of behaving like civil adults that they aren't welcome. You and your dad should starting hosting things and then don't invite your half- siblings and those that support them!
You half-siblings must be a very special kind of evil to look at a grieving teen who just lost his mom and say those things. Take comfort in knowing you mom loved you and that whatever is broken inside your half-siblings is not your fault. You are NTA
Truly the worst shit I’ve read in a *while* on here. Grown adults telling a mourning teenager he’s not welcome at his own moms funeral? Calling him a failed abortion? Absolutely vile. I don’t really believe in hell, but sometimes I really hope it’s real.
Tell your grandparents that they are angry at the wrong party here. It’s reasonable for you to not want to spend an afternoon being insulted. If your half siblings don’t want a relationship with you they could simply ignore you or stay away from you at family events. They should be angry at them for driving you away, not at you for not wanting to be abused by them. NTA
Yep, if they're mad you don't feel comfortable around your half-siblings, they need to be mad at the half-siblings. Do they know what the half-siblings have said? That they've called you a "failed abortion" and that you're a mistake your mom made, as is your dad? If so, they should be reading those "adults" the riot act, and also yelling at anybody supporting them. Absolutely disgusting behavior. You're NTA. Do what you need to protect yourself. Hopefully your grandparents will understand. Unfortunately not all adults are wise enough to realize you're not punishing them but protecting yourself.
I'm sorry OP, that's absolutely vile. Imagine being a grown ass adult and having nothing better happening in your life than to spread that kind of ugliness around your family. They need to remember you lost someone too
NTA -- You don't need to sacrifice your emotional well-being for your grandparents' misguided sense of family. Tell your grandparents that you have tried, you've been trying your whole life, and you are experiencing emotional fallout from it, that you'd rather strive to develop a healthy and normal sense of self-esteem and most importantly confidence, lest your prospects in life suffer too, as you have suffered for 15 long years. You can love and enjoy your grandparents all the more without a crowd around. ETA: They are being downright abusive to you. They should want to protect you from that, not try to talk you into enduring more of it.
Spending time with your grandparents without your vile halfsiblings will give you an opportunity to learn more about your family and especially, your mother. And, with your half sibs hurling insults, your grandparents really haven’t had a chance to learn about YOU. You can share what you are doing, your hopes and dreams without fear of your half sibs’ mockery. Continue to shine, and don’t give your nasty relatives a second thought.
Can you just block your mom's side and move on if possible? You and your dad can cut all of them off and finally be at peace. Your mom won't hold a grudge from the beyond for that, she'd understand. My condolences to you and your dad though. NTA
What jerks her children were/are. Count yourself lucky to be rid of them. Don't punish yourself and her parents for their immaturity and ignorance. Definitely keep the relationship going but on a very limited basis. Ask grandparents to lunch or if you can come to visit. I found it helpful to my mental health to figure out a response ahead of time when asked about why I didn't hang around my drug dealing alcoholic brother that I could use to steer the conversation away from him and to keep that door closed. "that sounds like a great time, but I'm not going to be able to attend" is a full response. again, they are jerks. Best of luck to you.
The other thing you can do is write them real, sweet, handwritten letters. Frequently. Send pictures, drawings, whatever is special from your life. They will cherish them and see what an amazing person you are. So glad you're standing up for yourself.
I’m upset on your behalf that your half siblings have treated you like that your whole life. That is awful. They are adults now and they still haven’t grown up.
It's a good strategy. However, I feel honesty is the course to travel here. "My half-siblings make it clear that I'm not wanted and I don't need that." Keep your relationship with your grandparents, but be done with everyone else. They're just looking to make your life miserable.
NTA. "they said I can't punish them for my half siblings behavior." What's actually happening is your grandparents are punishing YOU for your half siblings' behavior by trying to coerce you into situations where you'll be mistreated. That is not okay.
Oh yes you can ‘punish’ your grandparents for not protecting you from your horrid half siblings. NTA.
Agree! Grandparents should protect op and not tolerate halfsibs bullying. By tolerating the bullying and harassment, and forcing op to attend they are just as big bullies as half siblings. Not ops job to keep the peace, the adults should not put that burden on the kid.
Yup. Grandparents shouldn't be inviting people who can't be respectful to family functions.
Yep, grandparents should be ashamed and disgusted by their behavior.
I also don't understand the aunts and uncles. Like OP is his mom's bio son. He's not adopted. Which of course wouldn't make it ok either but he's as much "blood relative" as the half siblings. If any of my nieces and nephews talked like that about another I would have words with them.
I question if the grandparents even love OP because anyone who did wouldn't allow anyone who called him a failed abortion to be around them. And they did it at a family party too, so there's no excuse that his grandparents don't know how terrible his half siblings are. That's just insane.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. You do whatever you need to for your own mental health and peace of mind. I do hope you still visit your grandparents whenever you want to and not just cut them out. I also hope that your half siblings experience a lot of bad shit in their lives for being so vile. No offense to your mom but it sounds like she didn't have good boundaries and never set them straight on this bullshit. If she had, I don't think this drama would have happened. I also find it really cruel of her to have made her own funeral arrangements including being buried next to her first husband. Did your dad know beforehand? Also I find it disgusting that the grandparents have said nothing to squash this. Everyone is complicit and they're literally bullying a 16 year old kid.
My half siblings really kept crap to a minimum when mom was alive. They stored it all for when she died. They knew mom would put a stop to it and they wanted her in their lives. But once she was gone they could make sure to tell me and dad just how much they always hated us. My dad won't get to be buried with mom. There's no spot for him. He'll either be buried alone or if he remarries maybe with his future wife.
Think about this OP.. I know it sucks but these are people 25 and older who are being awful people and holding something against you that you had literally zero involvement in. Your mom decided to get remarried. Your mom decided to have you. Just because they can't accept that their mother moved on and had a life after their father's death doesn't mean they have the right to treat you as less than a person. You are still related by blood. If they say something again, tell them "you guys must live such a shitty existence if you constantly feel the need to talk down to me and call me names for the simple fact that I was born. I guess its a good think that I don't give a rat's behind what you think or what your position on me is. You mean nothing to me and I am confident that OUR mother would be mortified that you can't even be decent people and generally kind to her other child. None of you are good representations of the person that she was or the mother that raised all of us. She would be ashamed. You all need therapy for treating a 16 year old like this when all you are mad at is my existence which I can't do anything about."
Brilliant
"You are still related by blood." Even if mom and second husband had adopted, there would still be no excuse. OP should use your very good words towards the half-sibs, if he wants to bother.
My grandmother remarried after she was widowed. She was married to my step-grandfather longer, but she'd already committed years previous to be buried at my bio-grandpa's family plot. Doesn't mean she loved my step grandpa any less. Remember that graves are only places for the survivors to congregate to remember those lost. If there is an afterlife, the proximity of their physical forms will be meaningless because they have the whole universe to be together with everyone they loved.
What does your dad have to say about all this? Did your he know that your mom arranged to be buried with her late husband?
Nta My father passed away when I was infant and my mother went on to marry another 9 times including in my fathers family. My father’s family felt they had the right to hold my mother behavior against me. I spent the first 30 years of life trying to be closer to them as I never knew my father so I thought I could know his huge family. I never really had a relationship with any of them, the only outcome was hurt for me. Please step back and look at them shake your head and tell them your mother/sister/ aunt/daughter is looking down on you in complete disgust and disappointment. I’m sorry but your grandparents too. There is no way one of my grandchildren would say to another “your a missed abortion” without me clipping their ear, and kicking them out of my house. Accept that side of your family died with your mother.
They are coward. And being a desgrace to Your mother's Memories. Ask them If she would be proud of their behavior. I bet she's ashamed and disgusted.
It's possible they bought adjacent plots before either of them passed, in which case, neither OP nor his dad would have been part of the equation. You can bury an urn in a plot that already contains a casket, FYI. So OP' s dad could still be buried with his late wife.
NTA... Visit your grandparents solo, not during family events. There's no need to force yourself into miserable situations. You'll be much happier without that family in your life.
This is my advice too. Those half siblings are beyond awful. Visit and communicate with only your grandparents. No need to make a song and dance of not attending family events. Reply no thank you to any family event and they’ll get the message sooner or later. Enjoy warm visits with your grandparents. Anyone who happens to stop by can be given the same treatment as any stranger just a polite greeting. Don’t let the extended family rob you of a relationship with your grandparents.
Grandparents are on the way to rob themselves of the relationship by letting half siblings bully op. By doing this they are bullies themselves.
True, but they're old and probably just think everyone should 'just get along'.
Age is no excuse for bad behaviour. Age should rather give them more compassion, and ability to tell others to cut the crap.
Also, sounds like some of his mom's other relatives stood up for him too. Maybe he should also keep in fond touch with those who have respected his mom by supporting him and just decline the large family invites.
NTA “Grandma, Grandpa I love you but being in my siblings presence feels like a punishment to me. I spend a day listening to them hurl insults and abuse at me while I’m very rarely defended. I don’t leave these events feeling like family. I leave feeling unwanted, alone, depressed, and in need of immediate therapy (which I actually recommend for you OP). I love you but I’m protecting mental health and choosing myself because it’s clear to me that majority of the family agrees with my siblings bad behavior. I won’t speak negatively about the family, but I want to heal from this, and that means not being involved with them.” OP I am soooooo beyond sorry your blood is treating you like this. Please remember therapy exists for a reason and family isn’t just what we were born into. I have collected a lot of amazing people throughout life and I happily claim that I have more sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, etc than I grew up with. I hope you find acceptance and love.
They are period detritus. Slough them off and flush.
NTA. If they cared for their mother like they said they did, they wouldn't hurt her by hurting you and your father. She clearly was involved in your life and cared for you, and by treating you like a mistake, they are actively disrespecting her memory and you as a person. You're right to set a boundary for how you want to be treated, especially by supposed "adults."
Here’s the thing about boundaries, you can only control your own behavior. Your grandparents won’t enforce any healthy boundaries of their own, so they are actually punishing you. Removing yourself from that emotional minefield is pretty healthy IMO NTA
NTA, your half-siblings' actions are beyond cruel and horrible. At this point its just evil. So don't expose yourself to their poison. What I don't get though, is why your maternal family is basically going along with their toxic behavior. It's just bizarre.
NTA. The fact these adults have been absolutely shredded for being so heinous to a child shows what both your grandparents and the rest of the maternal side. Tell your grandparents if family and blood are so important then why are you allowed to be so ruthlessly bullied and mocked, why nobody does anything worthwhile. That given nobody will treat you like family, them included, then you have no reason to act like family to them.
NTA. You said that some of your aunts and uncles speak to you, but only to make excuse for your half-siblings. I would assume that some of them are the children and possibly siblings of your grandparents? I would just let your grandparents know that they have allowed their grandchildren to taunt, ridicule, and torment a child who has lost their mother, and they have stood by while other family members (except your aunt) have made excuses for those grandchildren. Every single person that has made excuses for your half-siblings is just as guilty as they are for condoning saying such horrible things to a child that has lost their mother. What's even worse, your grandparents have been complicit in all of this by not putting a stop to it long ago. I would let your grandparents know that if they really cared about you, they would have put a stop to the nonsense that is coming from the mouths of all of their family members, but unfortunately, that never happened. Instead, they are asking a child who is being bullied by adults to be the bigger person. Let them know that it is obvious that they had the opportunity to put a stop to this and didn't. They are allowed to be mad all they want, but you refuse to be harassed by grown-ass adults who showed their true colors before your mother's body was even cold. Honestly, I would also throw in that your mother would be ashamed of their actions and incredibly disappointed that they refused to stand up for you and instead left you to the wolves.
NTA they are cruel people, hurling such abuse at a 16 yo who just lost their mother (I'm sorry) and the best thing you can do is stay away from them. Tell your grandparents you're happy to see them one on one, but as you have been unfairly ostracized by the family, you have no desire to continue to subject yourself to their abuse. I'm sorry for you and your dad, and I hope you two find some peace, and love and support elsewhere. Your mom's family is cruel, and you don't need that.
NTA, I read another post where OP hated their step parent and half- siblings and treated them like crap. Until OP became a step parent themselves one day and they were treated the exact same way they treated their step parent and half - siblings. It made them feel like crap and very remorseful and when they tried to apologize to their half- siblings. The siblings told them to pound sand and they got their karma. Your siblings are adults and should be ashamed of themselves so should the rest of the family that treat you the same way.
If you have the link to this post, I'd be mighty appreciative.
NTA. Your half-siblings are appalling human beings. Their attitude is disgusting. They are adults who should know better. I'm sorry that you have lost your mom and I'm also sorry that you have lost your mom's family as a result of their comments. But you have to think of your own, and your dad's, well-being.
NTA Go to one more gathering. Record it. Tell everyone that you probably won't be coming to their family get togethers anymore so you're recording it in case you ever think about coming again you can remember why. They will probably double down and be even nastier. You'll have to have a thick skin. Go home and upload it to every social media account you have with post saying, 'This is why I refuse to attend any family functions on mom's side anymore. Most are verbal and emotional child abusers. I am only 16 and this is the treatment that I've received my whole life.' It's time for them all to understand what you feel like when they start getting blowback from family, friends, coworkers for their treatment of you.
NTA, this is so sad, and I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. Protect your peace op, you’re not obligated to continue exposing yourself to abuse for the sake of “family”. And your grandparents really can’t be too upset, because if they wanted you to continue to show up they should have done more to shut your sibling’s bad behavior down. Just see your grandparents on your own time, and moving forward only surround yourself with people who love and support you.
If they’re calling you a failed abortion I call them a failed experiment with your mom and dad so NTA those pests don’t deserve to be in your life and pest control should be called on them so those rodents can be removed (just insulting them)
Actually the ahole siblings are failed births. Frankly they should have been aborted.
NTA Have your grandparents called out the rest of the family for stating you are a failed abortion? If not, that is something they can do and is something within their power. If they stand by and say nothing they are implying they agree with it. I am sorry but this is worth ruffling feathers. What is being said is vile. Your grandparents are elders of the family and should ask for basic human decency. Your mom was loved by many who are grieving her loss. She would be horrified to hear what is be said about one of her children. I am so sorry for your loss.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16m) have three older half siblings from my mom's first marriage ages 25, 26 and 28. We lost mom last year. I live with my dad who was their stepdad for like 19 years. They never accepted me or my dad. I always knew it deep down. They kinda kept the peace for mom when she was alive but that was just not saying so much when she was alive but still not really engaging with me or my dad. They'd visit mom and have a very forced civility with the two of us. After she died they made it very clear they did not appreciate my dad organizing things. They said mom's true husband was their dad, and they were very smug when it came to light that mom organized stuff herself and that she was intending to be buried with her first husband/my half siblings dad. They thought that meant they could tell us we weren't welcome at the funeral. It was also the first time in years they took glee in telling me I wasn't really their brother and I was just the second mistake mom made after losing their dad. The first mistake being my dad. It became a huge deal and at the funeral they actually said they were diving the side the immediate family would sit. Anyone on their side recognized essentially that my dad and I were mistakes mom made and should not be there. A lot of mom's family sided with my half siblings, which stung. My half siblings severed all ties to me and dad. They have been clear they want nothing to do with us. My grandparents are the only maternal family who make the effort to include me still and be a part of my life. Aunts and uncles will speak to me, but some only do it to make excuses for my half siblings or to mention mom. There's a lot of family on my maternal side and that comes with birthday parties and stuff. Whenever my half siblings see me there they make it clear I shouldn't attend. They have started yelling that "the failed abortion" shouldn't be there. A lot of the family stand by them. My grandparents normally try to calm them and one aunt has called them out for treating me like shit when mom loved me too and I'm still their blood. It's too much for me and now that some of them are married and having their own kids, it feels like if I keep being where they're at, I'm going to deal with things getting worse. So I told my grandparents I won't attend family gatherings that my half siblings attend anymore. My grandparents were really upset and told me I need to keep coming because I'm family and they said I can't punish them for my half siblings behavior. I said it feels like most people don't want me there and I don't like having to deal with the things they say about me. I know my grandparents are mad and I get it. But I feel like I need to put myself first. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. When proposing you visit other times, make it sound as a better choice as they will have more events to look forward to.
NTA. Look forward to the day when you get married to the love of your life and all these relatives (not the loser half siblings) are desperate for an invitation. If you don’t invite them, they’ll be trying to figure out why. If you do invite them and they go, the loser half siblings will be left out and furious (and I love that for them).
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You are a piece of your mom, so every time they call you names they disrespect their mom.
NTA...you are a kid and they are adults but no one is holding them accountable as such. I hate to speak ill of the dead but your mom did you a disservice in never addressing this more fully. Your dad needs to step up and protect you from them, because they are harmful. Your grandparents can make the effort to see you, rather than expecting you to subject yourself to their abuse because "family". It's an unfair burden on a kid who just lost their parent.
Hard NTA. How anyone could treat you and your dad like that is shocking and appalling. I’m sorry your grandparents are upset but I don’t see how they expect you to be around such abuse. Just visit them at a different time. Please don’t subject yourself to anymore abuse from these awful people. I’m so sorry for you and your dad. Stay strong and be around people that love and appreciate you.
NTA. You are right, you need to put yourself first. You should never be in a room with adults who call you "the failed abortion" and people who don't call them out on it and cut them out. Your grandparents can be as upset as they want to, but they failed you. They do not defend you, they do not stand up for you and thus don't treat you like family.
You are a CHILD, and it is THEIR JOB to protect you from this behavior, and they are FAILING. If they can't provide for your well being, it is then your (or your father's job) to distance yourself from the situation. Sincerely, an unwanted little stepsister.
NTA. Shame on your grandparents and the rest of your mom’s family for treating you that way or allowing it to happen in their home. They should be the ones excluded not you. I’m sorry about your mom OP. Go live your best life with your dad and don’t worry about toxic jerks. You don’t need that in your life. Family we build is often better than those we are related to through blood.
NTA I can't imagine a bunch of adults treating a teenager this way, someone who shares a mom with them no less! They are just bullies who can't accept that their mom loved you and your father very much. Op, your mom undoubtedly loves you very, very much. She would not stand for this kind of behavior if she were alive. Take note of their vile words and unfair treatment of you and let your extended family know that this is why you cannot be allowing them in your presence.
You are 16 and having to deal with this?? OMG! What the fuck is wrong with those people?? You did right, do not engage these horrible people. If grandparents want to see you, do it on your own time. Are grandparents the parents of your Mom? If so, that is even worse. If they are, they need to put their foot down and stop all of this. "Anyone that cannot be civil and cordial cannot attend said festivities ". Period. I cannot believe someone said that to you. I am horrified. What kind of awful fucking people would act like that?? I'm Sorry for you. Just stay away from them. They are trash.
First off, let me offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your Mom. Secondly, you are an exceedingly bright, well-spoken, and well-written young man. I'm so sorry that your half-siblings are so toxic and that most of your Mom's "family" is feckless and passively aggressively cruel. I can't believe that ANYONE in your Mom's "family" would tolerate another family member referring to you as "the failed abortion"!! You are NOT the rectal aperture!! MOST of your Mom's "family" are, though. You teach people how to treat you. Cultivate a relationship with your one decent Aunt, but have NOTHING to do with the rest of the "family" until your Grandparents create a modicum of civility at their "family" functions. These people are toxic and you need never apologize for wanting a safe emotional environment. UGH!! What awful, AWFUL "people"! 😤🙏
Easy NTA. See if your grandparents are amenable to small, side gatherings where you can get to know them and they can get to know you. This isn't about punishing them. This is about not being willing to be abused. As for your siblings, well... I would be sorely tempted to say something like, "Wow! It's amazing we share any DNA. Our Mom would never have behaved so horribly. Did you get that from your father? I'm so sorry. He must have been *absolutely vile*." Because fuck them.
NTA. Clearly nothing good will come from being around your half-siblings, and surely there are chances to visit your grandparents without being around your more unfortunate relatives.
NTA. Just visit your grandparents on. your own, not at family gatherings.
NTA. Put yourself first.
NTA .... See your grandparents during Other times ... like when nothing is going on in the family. I hope you and your dad find happiness again.
NTA. If your grandparents want to see you they should make arrangements to visit you. I wouldn't put anyone through what your half siblings have done to you
NTA, they are taking their resentment towards mom on you. Live your life to the fullest and don't look back. Those ugly half siblings deserve none of your concern. I heard a great analogy recently. Smaller birds like crows like to harass Eagles because they are not as agile. They will get right on their tail and pester them. Instead of turning to try to fight them, the Eagle flies higher and higher. Crows can't go as high as Eagles. So, soar like an Eagle. Leave those crows behind.
I am so sorry for your loss. You don’t deserve to be called such vile names. Please stay away from them.
NTA. Tell your grandparents that I'd they want you around, they have to not have your half siblings around at the same time. You aren't mistreating them, so if the grandparents actually care for you, they'll stand up to their other grandkids and tell them to be civil or get out.
Nta but your half siblings are appalling. Fine they don't like you but there is no excuse to be yelling things about the "failed abortion" to a teenager.
NTA. And hmm….25, 26, and 28. Odds are that *at least* one of them will end up with a blended family in their futures. That’s just statistics. Karma is a bitch. Someday, these awful people will find one of THEIR kids being treated like shit by a step sibling or a half sibling. Maybe, they’ll have the ability to look in the mirror at themselves.
You don't need ugly in your life and these three are ugly. You're a grieving kid - I don't know the circumstances about your parents' marriage but you are an innocent party Focus on yourself and please take care.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is an awful club to join and you definitely shouldn’t have to join at your age. Your half siblings are horrible people and you are better off without them. Keep in touch with your grandparents, you can have much better memories with them without the cloud of hate and bitterness your half siblings are determined to spread. Was your mom widowed from her first husband?
NTA. Your half siblings are not good people. They are small minded, emotionally weak, bitter people. They took their pain out on someone that had nothing to do with it. They are being unnecessarily cruel. You do not need to be around those kind of people. If that means you can’t be around your grand parents then so be it. If your grandparents value you they will stick up for you and make time for separate from your half siblings. I’d they don’t then you don’t need them either. Focus on the people in life that love you the way you should be loved instead of the people that should but don’t.
of course you're NTA. Your half-sibs are, as are the people that exclude you. Some families just LOVE to pick a scapegoat, and congratulations, you are a convenient one. Tell Grandparents you love them and will only come to visit them or the aunts/cousins that stand up for you, individually, because that's what you'd rather do anyway. That it's okay for you not to be part of the large gatherings because you wouldn't even have much of a chance to hang with the people who actually care for you in those situations, and you will not stand for being treated like a pariah. If they love you they will understand. If they get angry, gently remind them that they should be angry at the people who are bullying you, because THAT'S why you're not attending. If your Grandparents, etc. are still mad at you and think you should play martyr because 'family' - well, then they're AHs too and you don't owe THEM any more visits.
NTA - It’s sad that in a sea of adults you’re the only mature one there. Your grandparents could do more than just tell you to suck it up for their sake but they’re choosing not to. If they want to keep in contact then it’ll have to be you and them.
NTA. Your grandparents should tell them if they can’t act like adults they shouldn’t come.
The fact that these are GROWN ADULTS continuing to bully you, they need to be the ones unwelcome at family functions till they know how to be a decent human being. DO NOT let your grandparents guilt trip you. If they want to see you they can when it’s just the 3 of you, or not invite the gremlin siblings to some events. I think your one maternal aunt who had your back is the only one on your mom’s side worth any effort for.
NTA But I would introduce myself to their kids as their grandmas failed abortion. I would tell their small children everything. Let their parents defend their choose of words. If it was appropriate to say to you as a kid, why is it not appropriate to say to their children? IATA
NTA- Your siblings are pathetic. A bunch of grown adulta acting like that IS disgusting and embarassing. They are cruel and you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to this. Your grandparents can be mad as much as they want.
NTA the fact that they allow you to be called those things shows they have no control over those awful people. They don’t want to put a stop to it then that’s fine but they don’t get to have you in their lives. Focus on your dad and his side of the family and cut off your mom’s side. If they try to guilt you about it just ask them. How will you explain this to my mom the next time you see her. How will she feel seeing this. What will she say when you allowed this. NTA
So you visit your grandparents when no one else is there. You make it clear to your grandparents that you are not willing to be abused by your half siblings. Remind them that they have campaigned to have you ostracized and poisioned by your mom’s family. And your mom’s siblings and relatives are ready to jump on the bandwagon. Look your grandparents straight in the eye and ask them why they think you should subject yourself to this abuse. Remind your grandparents that they are unwilling to punish anyone, but seem to want to punish you. If you love them, remind them that you love them, you are just done with adults who behave worse than high school girls. You absolutely need to put yourself first, you have your dad.
If it’s your mother’s parents and therefore also your half siblings parents - then why aren’t they doing/saying anything to these jerks?
NTA. If you want your grandparents to be in your life or you want to be in their life, organize some stuff with them, alone. But if they ever invite your half-siblings, then cut ties with them as well. You're old enough to choose and sincerely, you don't need all the baggage that comes with the 3 of them. Be happy, OP.
NTA and your grandparents should make it clear to your half siblings that they are ashamed of them and if they can’t treat you with respect, that they will not be as present in their lives. You are not the problem…..your mom’s family is and you should not have to be subjected to these horrible human beings in order to keep your grandparents in your life.
NTA It’s not punishing your grandparents for the sibling’s behavior, it’s you not having to submit yourself to their cruelty. The sad fact is that your maternal family does not accept you, and it is on the family to explain to your grandparents why.
You’re still a child. Your grandparents and the extended maternal family should be protecting YOU. Proud of you OP for drawing boundaries and doing what they have all failed to do.
Definitely NTA You are entitled to put yourself first and these people seem like really nasty people. Ask yourself if they weren't related to you, would you be friends with them. Likely no as they are nasty assess. You don't even have to be politically correct and lie about your reasoning. If anyone asks you to a function and these people are attending - just say No, I prefer to hang around with nicer people. Do not waste any more of your time or life on these asshats. Get on with living your life and be happy. So sorry about your mom.
Your grandparents need an unfortunate reality check. They have some really horrible family, who if they really care about you, they need to stop your half-siblings psychopathy, or they need to stop inviting them. Insane to think you should keep showing up to be called such vile things, they need to recognise the actual cause of all this drama. Never listen when people tell you to stop rocking the boat, when they really mean they want you to ignore other people rocking the boat. You didn't cause any of this, you shouldn't be the one responsible for making things work. I agree you should try and find other ways to see your grandparents, but not at the cost of your mental health, they need to meet you halfway. NTA, and as many others have said, your half siblings have chosen a life of bitterness and anger, that's their problem, not yours.
NTA - I’m so sorry you’ve got so much going on, and it’s really difficult! If I were you I would honestly just cut that toxic behaviour out completely, forget about them and move on. Sounds ruthless, but it’s not something you should put up with at all. As for the grandparents, you could try seeing them at seperate times, but I feel like they’d be like extra noise trying to get you to join in on family events again - which this I would also avoid, too. It’s really difficult to navigate. Look after yourself, put yourself first 💜
NTA. Your family are absolute AHs. Horrible human beings. I wouldn't even want a relationship with them at this point.
Honey, of course you’re NTA. I try not to speak badly of people because there is always at least one other side to a matter. That said, the way your siblings and some other family members have treated you is awful. You do NOT deserve that. They are deeply troubled people and it would really do them a lot of good to seek therapy. It’s clear your grandparents adore you. I think that when they say they want you to be at all of the family gatherings, it is because they believe that you have a right to be there. That said, they are in the best position to shut down what your nasty relatives are saying. They are the heads of your family and should be respected and listened to. Please show them your post and the comments you receive. I hope it will convince them to step up. Please know that your life has value. You were put on this earth for a reason and the world is a better place for having you in it. 💖
NTA You are still a child. YOU need to be supported. Your half-sibs are adults, and bullies. THEY used your mom's funeral to bully, berate and devalue a teen who's just lost their mom. If your grandparents don't understand that the half-sibs are toxic and unsafe for you, that's incredible. If they do recognize it and want you to give your bullies more opportunities to denigrate you, that's unbelievable! What is more important than your mental health and safety from abuse?
NTA! Your half siblings openly verbally abuse you and no one is protecting you. Your grandparents want you to come for what? To be abused? Nope. Stop going. Block everyone on your AH half siblings’ side. They want nothing to do with you? That’s fine. Grant their wish and protect yourself.
What kind of adult acts like that to anyone?! NTA, and the half sibs can take a long walk off a short pier along with anyone who makes excuses for them or tolerates their behaviour.
NTA - honestly, screw everyone. any person who placates those bullies can go kick rocks with open toed shoes, grammy n grandpa included.
NTA, but I think the only ones who can really resolve this situation are your grandparents. They need to set up an alternating holiday schedule. Such as you get Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Eve one year while the twits from your mom's first marriage get Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Christmas. The next year, you get Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Christmas, while they get the other holidays.
OMG. What truly awful people. See the kind grandparents and deep six the rest of her family.
What a way for them to shit all over your mom’s memory. You’re doing the right thing. They sound like nasty people. NTA
NTA, you have to take care of your mental health too. This is not good for you and you can still see your grandparents. They should be all over the rest of the family for their behavior.
OMG you’re totally NOT TA. Who are these other kids and why are they acting like they are the bosses? They’re insufferable. I don’t even know them but I for sure wouldn’t want to be anywhere near those little shits. Why are the adults letting them act like entitled assholes?
Oh hun, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Your older siblings sound like terrible people. Never apologize or feel guilty for exercising boundaries to protect your own mental health. NTA.
NTA. If anything, half siblings should be excluded by grandparents for being horrible people. They’re all adults who should know better and have to face consequences for their actions. You’re literally a kid who’s also mourning your mom and don’t deserve any of this.
NTA. Your siblings are disgusting and horrible people. Talk to your grandparents again and ask them if they really want you to suffer the abuse you do when you attend. Ask them if it is okay with them for you to feel depressed and sad for days on end after every one of these get togethers just for them to have you there? If I were your grandparent I would tell everyone on that side of the family that any person who continues to treat you that way will be cut off from these family get togethers, because you don't deserve that and you will ALWAYS be invited as family.
I'm that kid with my dad's family. I am a twin to my mother so that's why they hated me. It got worse after the divorce. You're doing the right thing.
OMG these people are assholes!!! Big hug you don’t deserve any of that shit!
NTA - unfortunately your grandparents are enabling this behavior if they allow it to occur at their home, so yeah, LC is the appropriate response. You & your dad should start a new family and go live your life. I'm sure your mom wanted to see you happy.
Wow. They suck.
Sorry to your so called siblings but as soon as your mother married your father he became her next of kin. They are narcissists along with every person who sides with them. Instead of playing king of the mountain at a funeral they should be mourning your mother. You are protecting yourself and your mental health. If your grandparents can’t protect you a MINOR from adults then they have no reason or any legal to stand on when you won’t subject yourself to their bullying. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Dude stop the soft stuff, visit your grandparents, skip the huge events. When somebody ask you why you're not there tell the truth. Live well and embrace the peace. NTA
NTA. Do not go to 'family events' but make an extra effort to visit with your grandparents on a regular basis.
NTA. What is wrong with your grandparents? They should be protecting you from these people, not be insisting you come and be abused by them. The half sibs are all adults and shouldn't be acting that way. Definitely cut them out of your life.
Your Grandparents either need to stand up for you or recognize that you’re making the right choice for you. NTA
NTA. You made a very mature decision to put your mental health ahead of the abusive people in your life. Your siblings are adults behaving like kids and are just a bunch of bullies who need to grow up. My therapist once told me that if family isn't behaving like family, you have no obligation to see or treat them as family either. It was good advice. I'm finally cutting the toxic people out of my life and am much happier. I wish I'd had the guts to do it when I was a teen instead of letting my Mom's extended family bully me and make me feel defective the first 35 years of my life. Congratulations on putting yourself first! I hope you'll be much happier with your Dad and the people you choose as your family. I'm sure they'll treat you better than your half siblings, who sound like the most heartless people on the planet and I'm sure your Mom would be devastated to see how they're treating you. My grandparents have been gone 15 years and my Mom still tries to keep the peace between her siblings because she feels like she's letting my grandparents down otherwise and worries they'd be disappointed in them all, which is why I had to choose to cut the bad family members out of my own life even though it uoset my Mom. Trust me, your mental health and self-worth are way more important than biology.
I don't get it - how are people like that? If you don't like someone, be civil to them, at least greet them but you don't need to be close to them. NTA. Don't go.
There's not accepting you as a part of the family. And then there's downright cruelty. Regardless of how the feel about you, you exist and their behavior probably has your mom turning in her grave. Your grandparents should take a side- their daughter's side- and refuse to allow this behavior in their home. You are NTA, you shouldn't have to endure this.
You can just make it more personal for grandparents by coming for a visit on your own, or with your Dad (you may not be driving yet). Take time to do some easy outings, or meals out at a restaurant with them. You can still love them, share time with them and be close to them. It wil just be structured a little differently. The upside to all this is in addition to not having to deal with the problematic members of your maternal side, it will be a much more cozy visit with more actual interaction with them. I think they would value this a lot.
NTA and you shouldn’t feel guilty at all. You have been horribly mistreated and don’t have to accept it
Nta
NTA. Who is really getting punished here? Your grandparents or you? Sounds like you are. You can always go see your grandparents when others are not around.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss. It was hard enough losing my Mum as an adult. I have full siblings, half siblings and step-siblings, some of my half siblings have half siblings of their own. There's niblings and some are blood, some are step, some are adopted, they are all just nieces and nephews.... none of us would ever say anything so vile to any of the others. You don't deserve this, your father doesn't deserve this and I hope you and your Dad can find comfort in each other moving forward.
They are being so loud because you make them uncomfortable. Your NTA. But I suggest you keep going and show them you are not bothered. Infact kill them with kindness. Start asking them what you did to deserve being treated like this. Ask them directly to their face. Ask why being born makes you worth nothing. Ask why they hate their mother so much they won't love a piece of her.
NTA- their behavior should have been stopped years ago.
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NTA. You need to protect your peace, and you should not go somewhere that you're constantly nukes, harassed and demanded. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Tell your grandparents you've given the steps too many chances, and you won't subject yourself to it anymore. Trek then you're happy to visit them, and celebrate with them, separately but no more with the steps. The only people they should be mad at, are your awful steps.
NTA and I think you need to claim your place in the family like the Spartan kids done when there were disputes. If you the only kid left standing how can they refuse your presents lol.
NTA. If most of the family treats you badly, skip the family functions and make plans to visit the grandparents by yourself.
NTA Shame on them for bullying a teenager, and shame on everyone who is ok with it, or only sticking up for you but not stopping it. Your mother would be devastated and **disgusted** by their adult children and the rest of the family if she could see them now.
If they are so upset that you don’t come why are you the one that has to suck it up? Why can’t your half siblings suck it up and be nice? If someone has to change in order to make grandparents happy it should be them not you
Visit them separately, when the others are not around, just don't go to "family" events. You don't have to stop seeing them on your own.
NTA. It's one thing to tell a step that you don't feel the same towards them as a full sibling. It is entirely another thing to call you a failed abortion. Do your grandparents know that is what they say? I would make it very clear to the grandparents that you won't stand for that kind of treatment. Ask your grandparents what your mother would have thought of that kind of behavior? Did she raise her children to act like that?
Nta. The people your gparents need to be mad at are your siblings. They’ve made it such an unwelcoming environment that you’re unwilling to attend. That’s on your family, not you.
NTA. Your grandparents need to have it pointed out that in their effort to 'not punish' themselves they are punishing YOU. They are adults, you are not. Have they even done anything to push back on this behaviour?
NTA. Your mom would be ashamed of them for the way they are acting. Next time I would tell them that. “The way you treat me is awful, and mom would’ve been ashamed of the people you turned out to be if this is behavior you think is acceptable.”
NTA, I will never understand people limiting love. Children can love more than one parent or grandparent. Parents can love more than one child. Spouses can love more than one partner. Your mom loved you and your dad. She’d be so hurt by her children’s actions. Tell your grandparents you have thought long and hard about this, and your mom would disown her older children for how they are acting, so you are disowning them for her.
Oh I’d go to every single one of those get togethers and anytime they say anything I’d respond with “I was moms kid too and she loved me, you’re a disgrace to her memory and she’d be absolutely disgusted with your behavior right now. That’s why you didn’t have the courage to say any thing until she was gone. You knew she’d be disgusted and disappointed in you”
This is the right thing to do. If they want to spend time with you, go to them on certain days and do things with them, take them to lunch or just spend the day with them. They can see you without family gatherings and still have a healthy relationship
NTA - your grandparents are the leaders of the family or should be. They should have put the kabash on these shenanigans. You are not punishing them. You are protecting yourself. If your well-being and inclusion was that important to them, they would have stepped up and smacked down all the crap your half siblings created. I'm sorry, but take care of you.
nta - ask your grandparents why they are allowing you - a minor - to be verbally abused. Your grandparents should cut off the older half siblings until they learn to be mature adults.
NTA. Stop letting them treat you like that. Beat some ass if you have to, but don't be a doormat.
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NTA Whi cares that they’re mad?! They need to shut the bullshit down. Period. And since they can’t then they can choose the kids they have continued to choose since before your existence. Inviting them and allowing them around to mistreat you is making them happy while forcing you to light yourself on fire to keep your grandparents warm. That’s not your job. I’ll believe they’re angry and that it’s worth something when that anger is directed as the grown assholes bullying a fucking child.
NTA Response to grandparents “I love you; I still want to see you but the way they speak to me is not okay and nobody should be accepting of that. Being related is no excuse for allowing toxic and abusive behaviour. I hope we are still able to spend time together away from larger family events”. If they push back, you can either just repeat this - setting a boundary - or you could give examples. Sounds like your grandparents are in the fog though so examples won’t work. They know how they speak to you and still want you to see them which is a form of abuse in itself. Response to your half siblings if you have to see them again. Practice. Work on staying completely calm and even toned and walking away “Wow. You must lead pretty awful lives to think that speaking to someone/a teen/your blood sibling that way is acceptable. I feel sorry for you”. Then walk away. No matter what they say, walk away. They will likely go nuclear once they realise you aren’t engaging in it so practice being calm and not biting back. I have a brother who is a jackass and I have a MIL who was awful to me for many years OP. It took me a really long time to learn some lessons around 1. I don’t need to allow anyone into my life “because they are faaaamily” and 2. The best response you can give is to stay calm and show they don’t get to you. Even if they do get to you….don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing it. You will hold the higher ground over time if you can maintain this.
NTA - I'm sorry you had to deal such toxic responses from people you thought were family. I have never been in your shoes, family-wise. But I have been around toxic people and it can be a severe drain on your psyche. I know it hurts but by going to those gatherings, you are allowing them to continually hurt you. If your family really loves you, they will respect your choice to sit out some of the family gatherings for the reasons you mentioned. They may even seek YOU out to see how you are doing. Now those are the people you may want to hang on to. Politely let your grandparents know you can visit them anytime they like, if you agree with that suggestion. But let them know that you have to do this, and let them know why. If they see the reason, maybe they will do something about it to change the situation. For now, protect your sanity.
NTA. They clearly don't like you or your dad and they do not consider you family. Let your grandparents know they are welcome to come visit you or do outings with you as long as they do not bring your toxic 1/2 siblings with you. Inform them there will be no Hallmark reunion and that's OK.
NTA And people who let adults bully a child don’t deserve to be in your life ❤️🩹
NTA. Your grandparents are ALLOWING them to do this to you by not kicking them out when they start. They are just as bad.
NTA, protect your mental health. They and the majority of your mother's family are cruel and toxic and you deserve far better
Sounds to me as though you are the most adult person in your family. [ excluding father & grandparents]
NTA. You need to ask your grandparents how your mom would feel about the way they ALLOW your half siblings to treat you in their house. Sorry for your loss ❤️. Protect yourself.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and your dad.
NTA. However maybe you could make an effort to see them much more outside of family gatherings. Grandparents are a treasure and yours sound amazing. As for those half siblings, they are way too grown to be bullying a child and taking so much joy in being cruel. Shame on them. Document any shitty things they’ve said to have in pocket for emergencies down the road. I wish you and your dad the best kiddo. Protect your peace, stay classy and remember how your mom would want things to be.
You do need to put yourself first. Because not even your grandparents are doing what is best for you. If you’re being referred to as “the failed abortion” you never need to go back. They don’t want you there and they won’t be civil. You shouldn’t endure abuse from anyone. If they try to guilt trip you ask them why they want their teenage grandson to be abused? Enlist your dad’s help in this. He needs to run interference on your behalf and protect you from this shit.
NTA Don’t punish yourself and your grandparents. Show up and show out. Have a blast at every single event. Be the life of the party. Talk to everyone except your half siblings. Ignore them completely. Pretend they don’t exist. Bring extra food and drinks. Make sure everyone notices you. Be everyone else’s best friend. Make it super uncomfortable for your siblings to talk bad about you. Win by having fun.
NTA, your grandparents need to reconsider if they really want to make their love for you conditional on your willingness to be abused.
For your emotional well being, you are right. Why go when the bulk of them don't only not welcome you, but insult you as well. Visit your grandparents, keep that relationship intact, but only when the others aren’t there. Attending just allows them the opportunity to be mean to you. What horrible people they are, but, should any one of them loose a spouse and remarry, karma will find them.
NTA But now you need to make the effort to spend a lot more time with your grandparents. How often do they come over to your place? How often do you go out and do things with them? How often do you go over to their place? Having closed the family gathering route of being with them, now you need to open other routes of being with them. And, frankly, the onus is on you since you're the one who closed the other route. At age 16, you're certainly old enough to pick up your phone and invite them over or out or ask if you can come over. And you should be letting them know about events in your life for them to attend. Show them with actions that you're cutting off the rest of the family, not them.
Eventually, as these half siblings' own marriages face problems and possibly disintegrate they may be able to gain some insight into how horrible they have been to you. Especially if they find themselves trying in future to create blended families of their own. I am sorry they are being this way. You have every right to protect yourself but please, keep in touch with your grands.
NTA you’re a literal child and they are adults acting like total antinatalist a-holes. I am sorry your grandparents can’t see it. I’d just go NC and live my life. You don’t need this BS.
Umm, This might seem too obvious, but you can visit your grandparents when others aren't around. Don't want to attend family christmas, just go visit a week before hand or something. >They have started yelling that "the failed abortion" shouldn't be there. A lot of the family stand by them. This is unexcusable. Not just your half siblings, but those who support them. Your grandparents may try to "calm them down", but they're certainly not standing up and setting boundaries here.
You should not have to attend get togethers with these people. They are nasty and vicious to you and you really do not have to have anything to do with them. Can you visit the grandarents when the others are not there? I hope you can work out how to visit them. Go completely 1000% NC with the rude and vicious children of your mom's first marriage. You really do not have to put up with them...I am sorry you had to deal with them at all...Move toward and forget these cretins exist. Good luck....and just remember the good times with your mom🤗💙
Any decent adult would have put a stop to this immediately. It's obvious that your mother's family lacks any decency from the grandparents down to the brats you call half-siblings.
Nta. Those adult are inhumane. Your mom IS your mom. She kept you. Raised you. Loved you. You are NOT a failed abortion and those 3 are awful. I’m sorry. You deserve better. Maternity is not based on their emotions. You are her child. Your grandparents are punishing you by tolerating their gross behavior during family events.
Well, I don’t think so. You’re being treated monstrously and it hurts. If you can make alternative plans to see the ones you like when the ingrates aren’t there, or invite them to your place, better yet. I wish I’d done more of this when in a similar situation. Now, it’s too late, almost everyone is dead, but I get the pain. Show your grandparents you love them in other ways.