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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is me suggesting we name our baby after my dead friend/ex. That might make me the asshole because my husband was offended and I refused to apologize.
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No judgement. When naming a baby it's best to agree to keep all the names of exes, even the innocuous ones, off the table because inevitably it leads to an argument. My husband wanted to name our son Jeffrey. I reminded him I had two exes named Jeff and they were both jagweeds. He'd forgotten and started to laugh and we picked another name.
Not just exes, but any name that brings up bad memories. I vetoed the name of my FIL, not because it was FIL's name, but because it was the name of an obnoxious bully who made my life hell as a child. I didn't want to be reminded of him every time I said my future son's name.
(In the end it didn't matter, since my children were both girls.)
My best friends are teachers, and they'd been teaching for ten years by the time they had kids, talk about a couple who had a lot of negative name associations. 😂
I also vetoed names due to bullying a lot myself - it's something you definitely need to understand for your own feelings AND your partner should respect it too. Though if OP had never mentioned the month of kissing and hand holding, I wonder if her partner would be as angry about the suggestion.
This is what we did. I let my husband name my third/his first child with me having veto power only for association things. He suggested my half sister’s dad’s name. Nope. Name of a coworker who had a particularly bad nickname. Nope. My HS boyfriend’s dog’s name. Nope. Random common name that I didn’t associate with anyone in particular. Ok. On the list. Three days later passing coworker with that name who is the local source of ALL kinds of pirated movies…….. said I wouldn’t veto because I didn’t make an immediate association but did tell my husband. That name still stayed on the list until the birth but wasn’t the final name.
The husband is insecure if he find his wife's mild suggestion disrespectful. They were friends for 10 years then he died. He does not have to like or agree to the name but he should not be so insulted she considered it.
Right? Reading OP’s edit, I find it sad that she’s apologizing to him, when he was being a complete dick. Yeah, his feelings were hurt, but what about what he said to her? Is he going to apologize to her?
seriously, it’s a really off the rails reaction to a suggestion on the OP’s friend, not even an ex. And he died when they were both children??
HE should be apologizing to HER for being a complete jagweed about his reaction. the fact she thinks SHE needs to be the one to apologize for his severe when she’s literally birthing his child is most concerning
Exactly this! He was unnecessarily mean and hostile to a simple name suggestion, and then doubled down by giving her the cold shoulder. He should be apologising to her!
Eh, I have an ex who died. To me, he really is a friend in my memory. I met him when I was married. He was a friend.
I totally don’t think a future partner would want to name our child Maxwell, though.
A partner may not want to use the name, but it’s not disrespectful to suggest the name, while telling the context. Sneaking it in? That is disrespectful, and suggests more going on. Full honesty is fine. Don’t like it, then veto it.
You have no idea how many people you dislike for random and sometimes unexplained reasons until you have to name a child. Both of us had names we loved, but the other nixed because of people we knew with the same name.
Urban Dictionary has an excellent definition!
“ a person that persists in acting in a manner that resembles one of an asshole or a douce.”
That’s only the first part .
Yta how do people not know that naming your baby after any of your ex's no matter the duration of the relationship is just a terrible idea. Its setting up for the baby daddy to think you would prefer that man to be the dad. It may be an irrational thought from your perspective but how would you feel if he wanted to name your daughter after his ex.
I'm not trying to be harsh I just don't think you thought this through.
Why would her husband think that she'd rather have their baby with someone who died when she was fifteen years old?
The guy was her childhood best friend more than he was an ex-boyfriend.
But he did die. At fifteen years old, one month into nothing more than holding hands and stealing kisses in the school hallway. That doesn't mean anything in my perspective. Everyone is different though. I just don't get why the husband would be insecure about a dead fifteen-year-old boy.
There is a saying, "First love is unforgettable" and "The deceased are invincible," which shows that such romantic feelings indeed hold an irremovable place in some people's hearts. I'm not saying this is the case with OP, but the husband's concerns might have a basis. Her and her husband's feelings are the main drivers of this situation; the fact that you don't understand doesn't change that her husband feels this way.
OP pretty much described it as one of those early,not-so-serious romantic relationships a lot of people have when they’re teens. The way she wrote gave me the impression they were more friends than anything.
He’s a grown man pouting and giving her the silent treatment over a SUGGESTION of a name that belonged to her childhood best friend. They did barely more than hold hands. It’s bizarre to even call him an “ex.”
Thank you. It’s nice to get that response after I got spammed by dozens of rapid fire responses from some unhinged person in an uncontrolled rage earlier. 😂 I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees a problem with a grown man who is about to be a father throwing a tantrum and pouting because he’s jealous of a dead 15 year old child.
Lmao “first love is unforgettable” i was a moron when i was 15 and my “first love” was also a moron and while i guess technically the fact that i remember him makes him “unforgettable” but certainly not in a flattering manner or in a way of longing for him. People really over romanticize young love, when the MAJORITY of the time it’s simply infatuation and hormones that we move on from.
It’s a perfectly legitimate reason to veto the name. But it’s not acceptable to claim disrespect for even considering it. These two things aren’t equivalent.
> There is a saying, "First love is unforgettable" and "The deceased are invincible,"
I'm in my 40s and have managed to never hear either of these 'sayings'
I agree. It was little more than pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend at a time when they didn’t truly know what that meant. His reaction was extreme. It was only an idea. It didn’t justify him blowing up and then pouting about it.
Agreed! It’s the extra drama. He could’ve just said I know your friend meant a lot to you but I don’t like that idea and we should pick something we both agree on. As someone else in the thread said… “insecure of a dead 15 year old boy”
Cold shouldering your pregnant wife… yikes
My middle name is from my mother's ex. My father had no issue with it, because he was the one she decided to marry. My father had confidence in himself and his marriage.
Lordy lord that is such a stretch it’s laughable. Less than 1% of people who were childhood sweethearts make as adult couples.
OP is NTA she thought of a name while thinking of a late friend fondly. She actually apologized to her husband when he got upset and plans to apologize again. While I understand her husband having hurt feelings his reaction as described is disproportionate to what had occurred. He needs to apologize for overreacting, not his feelings but his reaction to the suggestion of Luke for a middle name. Yelling and refusal to talk to your wife over an innocent name suggestion is a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime.
They held hands a few times before he suddenly died AT FIFTEEN.
What she remembers and cares about is the memories of a dear friend from her childhood and thought about honoring him. Honestly, we cannot respect the pasts of people we loved and other people we loved how can we really ever have healthy relationships.
>Why would her husband think that she'd rather have their baby with someone who died when she was fifteen years old?
Great question. With a fifteen year old boy!?
I wonder if many of the people on here dispensing judgement are literal teenagers themselves - not far off 15 yrs old. This "relationship" perhaps looks much more significant to them.
>The guy was her childhood best friend more than he was an ex-boyfriend.
To even call him an ex-boyfriend is absolutely bizarre in my opinion.
NTA. OP, an empathic conversation with your husband is a good idea as his reaction seems disproportionate, and may be a sign that something else is bothering him.
I didn’t realize he thought of Lucas as an ex as he’s never given any indication. He readily talks about Lucas whenever he’s brought up and we also have a photo of us as kids displayed in our home. There was never been a hint of an issue until now. And honestly, yeah, the thought of me rather having a baby with a dead child over my husband is irrational.
This mentality though is just so juvenile though. Semi related story - my childhood male best friend was coming up to my house a few weeks ago with another mutual friend just to hang out. We have known each other for over 20 years and yes dated briefly while we were kids, 20 goddamn years ago. I am married and have been with my husband for a total of over 10 years. Friend’s current girlfriend got upset that he was going to his “ex-girlfriend’s house”. Like I mean you’re not technically wrong, but we were literally 13 years old. Is this really something that needs worrying about? Grow up, Peter Pan
Half the commenters are teenagers who don't have an adult perspective on the issue. It's really sad that OP thinks she needs to apologize to her husband because a bunch of 16 year olds on Reddit don't realize that for healthy adults, a month of puppy love 20 years ago is not considered a serious romantic relationship.
I'm 38 and have been married for 9 years lol. I'm not condoning the husbands behavior but I think it was a fairly common reaction people have. I just think ex's mixed with current relationships is a recipe for disaster. It's like holding dynamite and complaining when it inevitably explodes. It may never explode but why risk it.
My point is not that people should be allowed to name their kids after exes, but that well adjusted adults shouldn't consider someone you dated for a month at 15 to be an "ex." They were childhood friends who spent a few weeks holding hands.
Right? I don’t see how 1 month of kissing and holding hands trumps 10 years of childhood friendship. How the 1 month now means he’s 100% nothing other than her ex that she wishes to be with.
Yeah, I'm honestly kind of shocked by some of the responses. My best friend died at 19 but he was also gay so maybe I just have a different perspective but jeez.
I have mixed feelings about giving kids the names of people who have passed, I think some people do it for unhealthy reasons, but I'm honestly surprised by how strongly negative some of these comments are. This all seems like something that should have been a non-issue, he could've had a conversation about it before hitting the roof. I don't know, this is so strange to me.
Geebus.
I am pregnant right now. Gender unknown at the moment.
I suggested a rather unique name for if we have a daughter. My husband latched onto it and really liked it. Two months ago, when talking about baby names, his sister informed me it was also the name of his first middle school crush. I had a bit of fun at his expense (because come on, dude!) and moved on because nothing is serious at that age.
That’s because your husband was respecting the memory of your deceased boyfriend. He’d have been a total AH if he refused to hear about your past or talk with you about someone you loved who had passed. He’s not thinking of you having some zombie child with a child with a 15yo dead kid. He’s thinking of you wishing Lucas wasn’t dead and that you and Lucas as adults should be together having a baby instead. I’d be devastated if my husband had an ex girlfriend alive or dead that he wished he could be with instead of me. I’m not saying you are thinking or feeling that way about Lucas but what this thread is insinuating is that that’s the doubt you’ve given your husband.
Honestly OP, I'm with you on this, as you say you would respect any kind of veto on your husband's part. His no coming in the form of anger and a demand of an apology is too much in my opinion as he only had to say that he didn't like the idea.
I don't have any real advice for you other than to stay vigilant. Pregnancy and new parenthood are often times when men change how they respond to conflict so I'm hoping you stay safe.
Naming him after another guy whether it’s a friend or ex just seems bad in my opinion. “How’d you come up with that name ?” “Oh it was her best friend!”
If the roles were reversed and you had a daughter, would you be ok with him wanting to name her after another girl he was close with?
If my husband had a long childhood friend who died at a young age and had nothing but wonderful memories of their friendship and said to me can we give our daughter X’s name as a middle name, I would think that was beautiful tribute to a late friend. There is nothing wrong with remembering a dear friend in such a manner.
It's shitty to think had he died a month earlier Lucas would just be a name to the husband. Where is the cut off? If I "married" my best friend on the kindergarten playground would suggesting their name imply I wish I was married to them as an adult?
NAH.
Now you know this whole time you've ever mentioned Lucas, he didn't care because he's dead but he absolutely saw him more as a boyfriend than a longstanding friend. You are viewing it as "my friend Lucas who I grew up with and loved so much" and less about the dating part.
His reaction was over the top. Also really weird to be this upset about a childhood friend that is dead. Like he's not competition. It's not like it was the one that got away and you settled for your husband. Geez.
I agree - there was no malice or ill intent! I think she owes a GENTLE apology because she obviously hurt hubbies feelings but a gentle one combined with explanation that she didn’t see Lucas as an ex in the true sense. She’s certainly not an AH for making a suggestion.
Okay, fair point, but I don’t see how someone suggesting a name of a dead childhood friend (10 years as a friend, 1 month as a bf when you’re teens and it didn’t even involve kissing) they had no idea their husband had a hangup about could be so much as an unintentional asshole. It’s just a case of everyone having different interpretations and viewpoints, and needing to come to a middle ground!
I'm guessing they're all 15 themselves.
OP's husband blew up at her and got angry she still has loving memories of her dead childhood friend. He is competing with a deceased child. The insecurity alone is 🚩.
right? they dated for a month. as 15 year olds. i think it’s pretty ridiculous to get up in arms over an early teenagehood relationship, especially since they were childhood friends.
Honestly, everyone not calling the husband an asshole is crazy. He flew off the handle for this? He is giving her the silent treatment and refusing to engage with her about the baby for this?? He is acting wildly inappropriate. Reddit is being dumb today.
Agreed his reaction is actually fucked up and he should be the one apologizing. I’d be more worried about the stonewalling and silent treatment as really poor emotional regulation and manipulation as someone about to be a PARENT than to any injury of putting this name forward.
ETA: I also remember seeing some HGTV design show where the couple named their kid after one of the parent’s FULLY adult partner who tragically died years before they dated. They have his pictures all over their house and named their kid after him because he was so important. Wish I could remember who. I don’t blame anyone who couldn’t/wouldn’t want that but it’s not so sacrilegious as everyone is saying
Every time I am confronted with the level of insecurity of the average person I am surprised. This man is throwing a tantrum over a dead 15 year old. Absolutely pathetic. And some of these comments are nuts. What fully adult person is worrying about someone their partner “dated” for a month at 15? They should be embarrassed to admit that out loud.
Jesus fuck thank you. I’m hinging on NTA. Naming your baby after an ex is a bad idea. Naming your baby after a *dead 15 year old best friend* is not the same thing as an ex. I hate the “name after” thing in general tbh (Jrs gross me the hell out) so maybe it’s just a guy thing, because in the reverse situation I would genuinely not be bothered by it.
Screaming about it is way over the top. You don’t scream over a baby name, and it most definitely is not insulting. Imagine being jealous of a kid who’s been dead for over a decade? Good god.
I agree. As someone who has a dead childhood best friend who I dated for like 1 month as a teen, it would be honoring the friendship, not some brief relationship. I think the husband’s reaction was extremely over the top. If he is that insecure over someone who isn’t even alive, then I would be a little worried about what else he could be over the top about.
One month of hand holding at 15 doesn't even count as an ex. He was her friend, and he died. She wanted to pay tribute to a childhood friend, not an ex.
Ok but this isn't one of his friends and they did happen to date, so he wasn't just a friend in the end. So it's weird that she would want to continue to remember him every single day by naming her own son after him forever, and then also have the husband associate the name with her dead ex-boyfriend/best friend lol. It's a weird association, I could understand it if the husband had known the best friend also, but this I don't really understand as it's just OP wanting to keep the memory of her dead friend alive through her child who will very much be alive.
Come on you knew this wasn’t going to be ok with him….or anyone really. Nobody wants their baby to be named after their partners ex. Doesn’t matter if you were 15, an ex is an ex to your partner. YTA for suggesting this.
Nah, 15 is a normal age to be dating and yes, if you break up with someone that makes them an ex. Girls are getting accidentally pregnant at that age, let’s not pretend they can’t have an ex.
I know it’s hard to think outside of your own experiences but just because *you* weren’t dating at 15 doesn’t mean *MANY* other people aren’t. They are. They’re dating, they’re fucking and they’re breaking up.
The whole point was that OP and this dude weren't fucking. They had only kissed and held hands. They were primarily BFFs
EDIT: amazing how people are responding asking that "so if you never have sex, is that not a relationship???" No, obviously that's not what I'm saying. If you're 15, and hold hands for a month, that's not a real relationship. Redditors pls learn nuance, I'm begging you.
What does this have to do with my comment explaining how it’s possible to have romantic relationships at 15, in response to a comment saying you can’t have an ex at 15?
That... is probably what's going on and it genuinely made me feel better lol. Felt like I was in crazy land or something! But you're most likely right, it's just kids being kids on the internet lmao.
Seriously!!! She's made it very clear this was more about her FRIEND than an "ex". One response said that she obviously never got over her ex. I mean... really????
These y-tas are bizarre. "I can't believe you want to honor the memory of a cherished childhood friend that you HELD HANDS WITH FOR A MONTH, you harpy!! Now your husband knows who you REALLY love!"
Thank you! What on EARTH is with this comment section. Makes me sick honestly, that according to the edit, these fucking immature people convinced her to apologise instead of being rightly concerned about his weirdly possessive, aggressive and insecure comments, as well as the silent treatment and unwillingness to engage about their child until she does what he wants.
I'm so confused! An ex is an ex? he was her best friend that died at 15. they didn't break up, they barely dated. I get that the dad might feel weird about, but these comments are completely delulu. How fragile is these people's sense of masculinity?
So fragile that they have to delete their comments apparently! The guy that was commenting to me deleted his comments cause he knew he was wrong and I called him out on it. Lol. All about a 15 year old dead kid and a dad that is trash.
Seriously, and disappointed that all these fragile people in the comments convinced her that she needs to apologize. Her husband is being so irrational here, he needs to get a grip there’s no reason to be that mad.
NTA your husband is of course allowed to say no and you acknowledge that in your post. The anger is what gets to me. You were literally children and this was 15 years ago. Why did this suggestion make him so angry? He seems insecure. I'm also strongly against giving the cold shoulder in a marriage. You can take time to calm down and then talk it through, but refusing to speak to the partner you've chosen to spend your life with is incredibly immature and hurtful.
Totally agree with you. Flying off the handle was completely unecessary. They were kids who dated for a month...silly to be jealous. All he had to say was that he wasn't comfortable with the name. She seemed super chill about accepting his rejection of the name.
I think more than jealous, he’s upset at finding out that his wife “prefers” to name the baby after the ex/best friend more than him. Like the ex/bf had more of an impact to her than him. Giving the cold shoulder is also probably not intentional. If i were in his shoes I’d feel bad and wouldn’t know how to talk to her after that for a while. That’s how it looks like to me. I think instead of asking reddit whether she’s wrong or right, she has to take in to account how her husband might have felt and just apologize. Make him understand but don’t invalidate what he feels
none of that implies that the other guy had more of an impact than her husband...People name their kids after friends of theirs all the time. It has nothing to do with someone being better than someone else. Her apologizing every time his fragile ego gets hurt sets a shitty precedent. It would be one thing for her to apologize if he explained his feelings in a mature and respectful way but him giving her the cold shoulder isn't cool.
We chose our child's name partly because he was being named for someone. Incidentally, someone neither parent ever met. Does that make the person more important than the parents? No, that's stupid.
Nah - this is a weird take. I’d never name a child after my partner or me. It would never even be a consideration - it says nothing about the impact the person *I chose to spend my life with* has had on me.
My bet is that she talks about that time of her life and Lucas a lot. That's pure speculation of course but it would explain OP's husband suddenly flipping out.
OP suggests "you know that person I talk about all the time, I'd really like to name our kid after him."
Husband is likely tired of hearing about Lucas and doesn't want "Aww, little Lucas is just like my friend used to be." He should have explained it in a far calmer way but I can kind of understand it.
Yes, I don't like the anger. The demand that you apologise for 'disrespecting him as the father' - that's...concerning. The depth of the anger and the specific focus on 'respect', that worries me. I don't think you're an asshole for suggesting it, and I wouldn't think he's the asshole for saying no, but his *anger* in the process, his demand that you apologise for the crime of 'disrespect' - that's assholish. That gives me a bad feeling.
That’s why I’m really confused by this post. I think NTA bc it’s clearly a CHILD, like a dead child that has been dead for 15 years that was a close friend.
Why was he SO mad?
This is where I'm at. His response is over the top! Fine, sure, maybe the OP should have thought this out more - but she put the idea out there, he said no, she said "fine", and then he has a hissy fit and the whole disrespecting him as a dad?? OMG. Dude needs to get over himself.
YTA. Sometimes we do or say things with good intentions but it doesn’t always translate well because we are not the recipient of our delivery.
1. Naming your baby after a dead ex/male bestfriend who you still hold so dearly in your heart can be insulting to your present. Even if it wasn’t your intention, the outcome is a pain inflicted on your husband.
2. Your name suggestion came purely from your personal experience, it is not a shared memory with your husband. Both of you share your baby, but its name will come from a dude in your childhood pictures who you used to be intimate with, irrespective of duration.
3. When you apologize, it’s not about your intention, but how you made that person feel. If that person is important enough to you, you lower your pride and apologize. It’s free and won’t make you any less of a good partner. In fact, it reinforces you value him and will lessen the insecurity he’s most probably feeling from your suggestion.
This can still be remedied. Pride is a great killer of relationships. Good luck!
I will never, ever understand why people are intimidated and angry about dead people. What’s wrong with honoring a dead 15 year old kid she once held hands with and kissed 13 years ago!? Such insecurity.
I know this is not the same but my dad was named after an uncle who died before his birth, to please his grandfather.
He felt his name didn't belong to him for a long time, and he always felt like his grandfather didn't look at him as his grandson but as the son he had lost.
For a kid, it can be very harmful and he asked my sister and I to never name anyone after him or any prematurely dead relative.
It's more the fact that he seems to be a topic of conversation more than a dead friend should be. He's in a lot of her pictures growing up, was the first taste of "love" with, and is requesting to name her son to honor.
Yeah he's dead but no self respecting guy is going to be cool with that.
Because you are naming someone you share after someone you didn't share. Names are powerful and ppl should be honored in a way that isn't hurting anyone else.
NTA really. How are people so insecure? She married and is having a child with HUSBAND, how could husband be jelly of hand holding with a deceased 15 year old from 15 years ago? This whole thing is just so childish I can’t help but laugh.
INFO. How often do you talk about Lucas? That you feel the need to mention that your husband has never shown any disdain about you talking about Lucas suggests that he gets brought up quite a lot.
I have many pictures of my holiday travels and places I've lived in my house. They very rarely if ever get discussed, other than my toddler pointing one specific picture out Occasionally.
Having a picture up to remember good time when you see it, doesn't mean it gets brought up often.
NTA
Omg how insecure is your husband? "Disrespected him as a dad"!? The only thing he needed to have said was "mmm, I'd rather do a name without bagage, you know?"
You came across the idea in your head, you thought about a close friend that you have good memories of and since you liked the name on itself as well you wanted to discuss the idea. Sounds ok to me.
Your husband throwing a fit about it, not being able to distinguish between a close childhood friend you also had a slight romantic adventure with and, say, a random ex you were with for years right before you met your husband, and then demanding you apologise and sit there like a stubborn toddler untill you cave... sounds insane to me.
Hope he can take a deep breath and be reasonable again soon.
His reaction is completely fucking bizarre and a true red flag. Does he get het up about being "respected as a man" often? Suggesting the name was fine, you took his "no" well and have nothing to apologise for. Of course you don't think of him as an ex, what you describe isn't what people would think of as a true romantic relationship. NTA.
Y'know, there's better ways to react to "Hey, was this person wrong to include her deceased childhood best friend's name (whom she dated for a month) as a possible middle name for their son - so wrong that the husband deserved to be furious?" than fake curiosity and sarcasm
NTA and I'm pretty sure a lot of the commenters brushed over the middle name part. so not a daily reminder. You asked, he said no, that should be it, the question alone doesn't warrant this kind of reaction when the boy in question is an old childhood friend and not really an ex
Omg i can't believe people have talked you into apologizing for this. Absolutely fucking absurd. Maybe his initial upset is understandable, but his unwillingness to hear *your* perspective at all and understand where *you* were coming from is disgusting, and to be stonewalling you and giving you the cold shoulder over this? Toxic, and childish, and a huge fucking red flag.
His emotions aren't yours to manage. I get that sometimes we offend without intending to and need to clear things up, *but you already did that*. **What the actual fuck do you need to apologize for?** His overreaction? His borderline abusive behavior in giving you the cold shoulder until you cave to his tantrum and say what he wants to hear? Letting him tell you that you were being disrespectful *when you weren't*?
This is genuinely concerning. Do not give in to this, or he'll be holding you hostage for the rest of your life. Drag his ass to therapy, work through this, idk, I'm not gonna just tell you to leave him, but **do not give in to his bullying**
Eta forgot to say: NTA but your husband 100% is
i was a little on the fence but i’m def leaning towards nta because it really seems clear based on your phrasing that he really was your best friend and i’m sure his death was traumatic for you at such a young age. also yall are GROWN now like this is ten plus years later so… honestly i can understand your husband saying no and maybe being a little hurt but i don’t think that you’re an ahole for it. i think his reaction to you was very inappropriate. you are carrying his child and clearly meant no disrespect. my verdict: nta
His original feeling of not being okay is valid. His actions are not acceptable. That’s the part people are trying to parse. One does not excuse the other
I don’t think it’s that deep, people focusing on him being your ex is insane when you were mostly just childhood friends and the dating you did was super innocent and considering how long ago that was. Your husband has every right to be upset/uncomfortable and you should listen to his feelings but he doesn’t have the right to blow up on you specially over something like that.
YTA. You need to understand that exes need to be off the table. Thing is, you don't really consider Lucas to be your ex. You consider him a friend. Your husband considers him as your ex. That's where the problem lies.
You do need to apologize that you did not take this into account. You don't view him the same way your husband does but he is in no way wrong for feeling disrespected for you wanting to name your baby after an ex. If this was someone you dated in your 20's before your husband you would understand what he's saying, right? Well, that's exactly how he feels about someone you dated at 15. And for most people dating at 15 is real dating, not just the hand holding stuff of a 12 year old.
Apologize. Explain that to you Lucas was really just a friend and you didn't even consider that your husband would view him more as an ex. Validate his feelings on this. Then move on.
She stated she already did this and further clarified she never thought a problem because they have a picture of her and Lucas hung in the house and the husband never had an issue. She also stated she plans on apologizing AGAIN. What I haven’t seen is her husband willing to apologize for his over the top reaction. If she never spoke of Lucas before and this was the first time and he was hurt that is one thing. She is allowed to speak of her late friend (I will never consider hand holding and a few stolen kisses at 15 an earth shattering love affair) and he never complains, so his previous actions don’t match his reaction to a suggestion. And I give the OP credit for not bashing her husband and trying to make him look like an AH, to the contrary she has been very respectful in her description of him.
Talking about him and naming your child after him are two wildly different things. Pretty stupid to think “well, I talk about him. Should be fine to name my son after him.”
Ignoring the "ex" part. It's always weird to me when people want to name a child after someone who died young. The older I get the more unnatural it becomes.
Slightly NTA.
I was going to say NAH but your husband is overreacting by giving you the cold shoulder and demanding an apology. It’s okay to ask for an apology but he has no right to demand one. Is he just being chilly with you or straight up giving the silent treatment? If the later-that’s abusive.
You were willing to let it go when he wasn’t okay with the name-that makes you NTA. I wanted a boy so bad but I never had one. If I couldn’t consider any names of anyone I had anything more than a strictly platonic relationship with- I would have had a hell of a time naming him. There’s a big difference between a guy you dated a decade ago where the furthest you went was kisses and a boyfriend of 3 years you wanted to marry.
NTA. Is he really jealous of a dead teenager?
You floated an idea. Not a great idea, but he could have just said he wasn't comfortable with it. Maybe he just wanted you to be the one to suggest naming the kid after himself bc now he had to do it and that seems a little full of himself.
Hmmm...this one is tough without knowing more about your relationship dynamic. Just from the information you provided, I would say that neither of you are the asshole. It's a sensitive subject for sure, though. Maybe put yourself in his shoes and try to imagine what that would feel like? I see how he could get upset about it, but I think he should try to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand you rather than give you the cold shoulder. Passive aggressiveness is never the answer.
NTA It was just a suggestion. He's the one that escalated it to a fight. He didn't need to do that, he could have just said he didn't want to and y'all could have moved on. Giving you the cold shoulder over this is childish.
NTA, you suggested the name of your deceased friend. Your husband is a petulant child if he is claiming you "disrespected" him. If he thinks this is a level of disrespect, then he doesn't know what actual disrespect is or what it is like.
YTA. If my husband suggested naming our baby after an ex, no matter how innocent he claimed it was, I would be mad too. I get that you say it wasn’t a real relationship but it’s still not cool and I would not push it. Lucas is a nice name but there are millions of other names that your husband won’t harbor resentment and negative feelings toward.
I’m so interested in the NTAs… such virtuous people lol. Who wants their kid named after their spouses ex? Or even friend? It’s weird. Maybe the reaction was over the top, but it was a bad suggestion that surely would receive a negative response.
As a man, I wouldn't be happy with that either tbh. But also I don't think you owe him an apology, if my Mrs really pushed for it, I'd get over it, I think.
If he hasn't lost friends he might not get it.
While you might feel shocked that your husband felt disrespected by the suggestion, the fact that you feel like it had nothing to do with him is in itself kind of disrespectful. I'm not sure how it didn't occur to you that it would affect him.
I wouldn't want my husband to suggest a name of a woman or girl who was important to him in his past unless it was an actual relative like mom or aunt or grandmother or even cousin.
Even if it's a childhood ex, it's a no go. Too weird.
From your post, Lucas doesn’t seem like your dear childhood friend, but your first love who was tragically taken away from you. Maybe without noticing you transmit that when you talk about him, and that’s why you husband is so upset.
NTA but equally I understand husband’s reticence. A conversation should be had at a later point when tempers have calmed around the way in which husband reacted to a suggestion that was put forward calmly by the sounds of it. It seems disproportionate and could have been expressed in a much more rational and calm way.
"I wasn't naming our baby after an ex, but an old friend"
No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to choose which is more convenient to you on how to refer to your ex. He's both.
And whether you intended to or not doesn't change the issue that it's disrespectful.
NTA He was a beloved lifelong friend and someone who gor a month help hands and exchanged as early teens. Validate his feelings and find a name with 2 enthusiastic yesses.
Now me? I find myself in a similar situation with a recently deceased best friend, only issue our short fling was as adults and more porno than teen playtime. I keep my mouth shut even though it would mean the world to me, because my husband would be so hurt even though he was 100% best friend for 25 years not an ex lover.
Saying no is one thing, going off on you and demanding apologies when there is nothing to be threatened by is crazy and irrational.
Idk how you can downplay Lucas to ANYONE tbh.. “we were best friends” …yet you still call him an ex but then say it was nothing… so why even say ex? Unless you’re latched onto some first love thing. Just odd you think nothing of it while still saying he’s your ex.
Then we go onto how you completely disregard your husbands feelings and make it all about YOU naming a child you created TOGETHER. Key word there is together. One half doesn’t like the name the reason doesn’t matter at all.
Just real sneaky gas lighting type vibes coming from you. “Lucas was just a friend… an ex… but just like best friend. Why does this matter?? Why do I have to apologize?”
Psshhhh… weird you even want to name him Lucas in the first place.
YTA.. it isn’t about insecurity, it’s just plan rude and VERY weird.
NTA..... ex lover... 🤣🤣🤣 thats a stretch. You suggested it as a tribute to your friend, he said no, you said OK.
Beyond that, he's being absolutely ridiculous and there's nothing to apologise for. He's being a big baby over nothing. And apologising won't change anything. Tell him you're going to have one baby on your hands soon, you don't need two.
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No judgement. When naming a baby it's best to agree to keep all the names of exes, even the innocuous ones, off the table because inevitably it leads to an argument. My husband wanted to name our son Jeffrey. I reminded him I had two exes named Jeff and they were both jagweeds. He'd forgotten and started to laugh and we picked another name.
😂 😂 😂 Jagweeds. Will be using that, thanks!
I have an uncle Jeff and he is a jagweed
Does he go by JJ? 🤣
what about geoff 🤢
That would be a geogweed
I have a cousin named Jeff and he is also a jagweed (after checking the meaning on Google).
I don't know if I've ever known ANY Jeff that isn't a jagweed.
Not just exes, but any name that brings up bad memories. I vetoed the name of my FIL, not because it was FIL's name, but because it was the name of an obnoxious bully who made my life hell as a child. I didn't want to be reminded of him every time I said my future son's name. (In the end it didn't matter, since my children were both girls.)
They say you don't realise how many people you don't like, until you have to name a baby!😂
Super bad if you have been a teacher for many years
My best friends are teachers, and they'd been teaching for ten years by the time they had kids, talk about a couple who had a lot of negative name associations. 😂
Another pro for teen pregnancies - you don’t have to deal with quite as many negative associations…
His name was Jimothy wasn't it!?
You too???
I also vetoed names due to bullying a lot myself - it's something you definitely need to understand for your own feelings AND your partner should respect it too. Though if OP had never mentioned the month of kissing and hand holding, I wonder if her partner would be as angry about the suggestion.
My bully was Jessica. Effing Jessica 👿
As someone with that name/derivative, I apologise for all the other Jessica's. But fuck that Jessica.
I, too, would like to apologize on behalf of Jessicas. There should be a committee.
This is what we did. I let my husband name my third/his first child with me having veto power only for association things. He suggested my half sister’s dad’s name. Nope. Name of a coworker who had a particularly bad nickname. Nope. My HS boyfriend’s dog’s name. Nope. Random common name that I didn’t associate with anyone in particular. Ok. On the list. Three days later passing coworker with that name who is the local source of ALL kinds of pirated movies…….. said I wouldn’t veto because I didn’t make an immediate association but did tell my husband. That name still stayed on the list until the birth but wasn’t the final name.
NTA. He's not an ex, he's a friend who passed away. I think it's perfectly fine in this case, but the husband doesn't so it's vetoed.
The husband is insecure if he find his wife's mild suggestion disrespectful. They were friends for 10 years then he died. He does not have to like or agree to the name but he should not be so insulted she considered it.
Right? Reading OP’s edit, I find it sad that she’s apologizing to him, when he was being a complete dick. Yeah, his feelings were hurt, but what about what he said to her? Is he going to apologize to her?
seriously, it’s a really off the rails reaction to a suggestion on the OP’s friend, not even an ex. And he died when they were both children?? HE should be apologizing to HER for being a complete jagweed about his reaction. the fact she thinks SHE needs to be the one to apologize for his severe when she’s literally birthing his child is most concerning
Exactly this! He was unnecessarily mean and hostile to a simple name suggestion, and then doubled down by giving her the cold shoulder. He should be apologising to her!
I just have this memory of Mark Antony going "Vetoooo vetooooooo." And pissing everyone off in Rome.
Wow, you're really old!
Eh, I have an ex who died. To me, he really is a friend in my memory. I met him when I was married. He was a friend. I totally don’t think a future partner would want to name our child Maxwell, though.
A partner may not want to use the name, but it’s not disrespectful to suggest the name, while telling the context. Sneaking it in? That is disrespectful, and suggests more going on. Full honesty is fine. Don’t like it, then veto it.
Jagweed is a great insult.
Honestly would be a fantastic cat name, too
Jagweedy, stop that! >:(
My brothers name is Jeffrey. I will now call him jagweed.
No, no let's not start a family war because I dated a couple of turds in my day.
You have no idea how many people you dislike for random and sometimes unexplained reasons until you have to name a child. Both of us had names we loved, but the other nixed because of people we knew with the same name.
Well luckily my uncle Jeff didnt turn into a jagweed hes a literal gentle giant 7'4" (He also does that "my name is jeff" joke at family gatherings)
"How did I not know Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds?!" - Mona Lisa Saperstein
Do tell, what is a jagweed? 😂😂😂
it's like a jabroni
what exactly is a jagweed? asking for a friend...
Urban Dictionary has an excellent definition! “ a person that persists in acting in a manner that resembles one of an asshole or a douce.” That’s only the first part .
Yta how do people not know that naming your baby after any of your ex's no matter the duration of the relationship is just a terrible idea. Its setting up for the baby daddy to think you would prefer that man to be the dad. It may be an irrational thought from your perspective but how would you feel if he wanted to name your daughter after his ex. I'm not trying to be harsh I just don't think you thought this through.
Why would her husband think that she'd rather have their baby with someone who died when she was fifteen years old? The guy was her childhood best friend more than he was an ex-boyfriend.
She was literally dating him when he died. They never broke up, they could be together to this day if he didn’t die…
But he did die. At fifteen years old, one month into nothing more than holding hands and stealing kisses in the school hallway. That doesn't mean anything in my perspective. Everyone is different though. I just don't get why the husband would be insecure about a dead fifteen-year-old boy.
There is a saying, "First love is unforgettable" and "The deceased are invincible," which shows that such romantic feelings indeed hold an irremovable place in some people's hearts. I'm not saying this is the case with OP, but the husband's concerns might have a basis. Her and her husband's feelings are the main drivers of this situation; the fact that you don't understand doesn't change that her husband feels this way.
OP pretty much described it as one of those early,not-so-serious romantic relationships a lot of people have when they’re teens. The way she wrote gave me the impression they were more friends than anything.
He’s a grown man pouting and giving her the silent treatment over a SUGGESTION of a name that belonged to her childhood best friend. They did barely more than hold hands. It’s bizarre to even call him an “ex.”
Finally a sane opinion. There’s something wrong with a man who assigns so much meaning to childhood handholding.
Thank you. It’s nice to get that response after I got spammed by dozens of rapid fire responses from some unhinged person in an uncontrolled rage earlier. 😂 I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees a problem with a grown man who is about to be a father throwing a tantrum and pouting because he’s jealous of a dead 15 year old child.
Lmao “first love is unforgettable” i was a moron when i was 15 and my “first love” was also a moron and while i guess technically the fact that i remember him makes him “unforgettable” but certainly not in a flattering manner or in a way of longing for him. People really over romanticize young love, when the MAJORITY of the time it’s simply infatuation and hormones that we move on from.
It’s a perfectly legitimate reason to veto the name. But it’s not acceptable to claim disrespect for even considering it. These two things aren’t equivalent.
> There is a saying, "First love is unforgettable" and "The deceased are invincible," I'm in my 40s and have managed to never hear either of these 'sayings'
Are you 12 years old? I sincerely hope so. No functioning grown adult can think like this.
I agree. It was little more than pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend at a time when they didn’t truly know what that meant. His reaction was extreme. It was only an idea. It didn’t justify him blowing up and then pouting about it.
Why would a father want to name his son after his wifes first boyfriend?
Gee, “want to” or not mind doing it? His wife asked him if it was ok. A “naah, I’m not good on that.” might have sufficed.
Agreed! It’s the extra drama. He could’ve just said I know your friend meant a lot to you but I don’t like that idea and we should pick something we both agree on. As someone else in the thread said… “insecure of a dead 15 year old boy” Cold shouldering your pregnant wife… yikes
Oh please 15 year olds ‘dating’ for a month is not a real relationship.
My middle name is from my mother's ex. My father had no issue with it, because he was the one she decided to marry. My father had confidence in himself and his marriage.
Bc insecure men gonna insecure babe
Lordy lord that is such a stretch it’s laughable. Less than 1% of people who were childhood sweethearts make as adult couples. OP is NTA she thought of a name while thinking of a late friend fondly. She actually apologized to her husband when he got upset and plans to apologize again. While I understand her husband having hurt feelings his reaction as described is disproportionate to what had occurred. He needs to apologize for overreacting, not his feelings but his reaction to the suggestion of Luke for a middle name. Yelling and refusal to talk to your wife over an innocent name suggestion is a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime.
They held hands a few times before he suddenly died AT FIFTEEN. What she remembers and cares about is the memories of a dear friend from her childhood and thought about honoring him. Honestly, we cannot respect the pasts of people we loved and other people we loved how can we really ever have healthy relationships.
She was 15!!!
>Why would her husband think that she'd rather have their baby with someone who died when she was fifteen years old? Great question. With a fifteen year old boy!? I wonder if many of the people on here dispensing judgement are literal teenagers themselves - not far off 15 yrs old. This "relationship" perhaps looks much more significant to them. >The guy was her childhood best friend more than he was an ex-boyfriend. To even call him an ex-boyfriend is absolutely bizarre in my opinion. NTA. OP, an empathic conversation with your husband is a good idea as his reaction seems disproportionate, and may be a sign that something else is bothering him.
Because they are fucking stupid and don't have critical thinking skills or emotional regulation.
I didn’t realize he thought of Lucas as an ex as he’s never given any indication. He readily talks about Lucas whenever he’s brought up and we also have a photo of us as kids displayed in our home. There was never been a hint of an issue until now. And honestly, yeah, the thought of me rather having a baby with a dead child over my husband is irrational.
This mentality though is just so juvenile though. Semi related story - my childhood male best friend was coming up to my house a few weeks ago with another mutual friend just to hang out. We have known each other for over 20 years and yes dated briefly while we were kids, 20 goddamn years ago. I am married and have been with my husband for a total of over 10 years. Friend’s current girlfriend got upset that he was going to his “ex-girlfriend’s house”. Like I mean you’re not technically wrong, but we were literally 13 years old. Is this really something that needs worrying about? Grow up, Peter Pan
Half the commenters are teenagers who don't have an adult perspective on the issue. It's really sad that OP thinks she needs to apologize to her husband because a bunch of 16 year olds on Reddit don't realize that for healthy adults, a month of puppy love 20 years ago is not considered a serious romantic relationship.
I'm 38 and have been married for 9 years lol. I'm not condoning the husbands behavior but I think it was a fairly common reaction people have. I just think ex's mixed with current relationships is a recipe for disaster. It's like holding dynamite and complaining when it inevitably explodes. It may never explode but why risk it.
My point is not that people should be allowed to name their kids after exes, but that well adjusted adults shouldn't consider someone you dated for a month at 15 to be an "ex." They were childhood friends who spent a few weeks holding hands.
Right? I don’t see how 1 month of kissing and holding hands trumps 10 years of childhood friendship. How the 1 month now means he’s 100% nothing other than her ex that she wishes to be with.
Yeah seeing it as anything but a tribute to a dead friend is so fucking childish. Like it's fine if you don't want to, but come on.
Yeah, I'm honestly kind of shocked by some of the responses. My best friend died at 19 but he was also gay so maybe I just have a different perspective but jeez. I have mixed feelings about giving kids the names of people who have passed, I think some people do it for unhealthy reasons, but I'm honestly surprised by how strongly negative some of these comments are. This all seems like something that should have been a non-issue, he could've had a conversation about it before hitting the roof. I don't know, this is so strange to me.
Geebus. I am pregnant right now. Gender unknown at the moment. I suggested a rather unique name for if we have a daughter. My husband latched onto it and really liked it. Two months ago, when talking about baby names, his sister informed me it was also the name of his first middle school crush. I had a bit of fun at his expense (because come on, dude!) and moved on because nothing is serious at that age.
That's the adult reaction. I just asked my husband what he would think about OPs case and he just rolled his eyes 😁
This. You can remain friends with exes without issues. You can still care about dead loved one with out threatening people in your life.
That’s because your husband was respecting the memory of your deceased boyfriend. He’d have been a total AH if he refused to hear about your past or talk with you about someone you loved who had passed. He’s not thinking of you having some zombie child with a child with a 15yo dead kid. He’s thinking of you wishing Lucas wasn’t dead and that you and Lucas as adults should be together having a baby instead. I’d be devastated if my husband had an ex girlfriend alive or dead that he wished he could be with instead of me. I’m not saying you are thinking or feeling that way about Lucas but what this thread is insinuating is that that’s the doubt you’ve given your husband.
Honestly OP, I'm with you on this, as you say you would respect any kind of veto on your husband's part. His no coming in the form of anger and a demand of an apology is too much in my opinion as he only had to say that he didn't like the idea. I don't have any real advice for you other than to stay vigilant. Pregnancy and new parenthood are often times when men change how they respond to conflict so I'm hoping you stay safe.
Naming him after another guy whether it’s a friend or ex just seems bad in my opinion. “How’d you come up with that name ?” “Oh it was her best friend!” If the roles were reversed and you had a daughter, would you be ok with him wanting to name her after another girl he was close with?
If my husband had a long childhood friend who died at a young age and had nothing but wonderful memories of their friendship and said to me can we give our daughter X’s name as a middle name, I would think that was beautiful tribute to a late friend. There is nothing wrong with remembering a dear friend in such a manner.
That man? You mean the kid who died??
Maybe the baby daddy should grow the fuck up.
It's shitty to think had he died a month earlier Lucas would just be a name to the husband. Where is the cut off? If I "married" my best friend on the kindergarten playground would suggesting their name imply I wish I was married to them as an adult?
NAH. Now you know this whole time you've ever mentioned Lucas, he didn't care because he's dead but he absolutely saw him more as a boyfriend than a longstanding friend. You are viewing it as "my friend Lucas who I grew up with and loved so much" and less about the dating part. His reaction was over the top. Also really weird to be this upset about a childhood friend that is dead. Like he's not competition. It's not like it was the one that got away and you settled for your husband. Geez.
I agree. Everyone calling OP the asshole is crazy.
I agree - there was no malice or ill intent! I think she owes a GENTLE apology because she obviously hurt hubbies feelings but a gentle one combined with explanation that she didn’t see Lucas as an ex in the true sense. She’s certainly not an AH for making a suggestion.
To be fair, if it was needed malice or ill intentions to be an AH, no one would have to ask if they were an AH.
Okay, fair point, but I don’t see how someone suggesting a name of a dead childhood friend (10 years as a friend, 1 month as a bf when you’re teens and it didn’t even involve kissing) they had no idea their husband had a hangup about could be so much as an unintentional asshole. It’s just a case of everyone having different interpretations and viewpoints, and needing to come to a middle ground!
I'm guessing they're all 15 themselves. OP's husband blew up at her and got angry she still has loving memories of her dead childhood friend. He is competing with a deceased child. The insecurity alone is 🚩.
right? they dated for a month. as 15 year olds. i think it’s pretty ridiculous to get up in arms over an early teenagehood relationship, especially since they were childhood friends.
yeah, his over the top reaction would put me off so bad
Honestly, everyone not calling the husband an asshole is crazy. He flew off the handle for this? He is giving her the silent treatment and refusing to engage with her about the baby for this?? He is acting wildly inappropriate. Reddit is being dumb today.
This is true summer Reddit in action lol. All the children out in the wild.
Agreed his reaction is actually fucked up and he should be the one apologizing. I’d be more worried about the stonewalling and silent treatment as really poor emotional regulation and manipulation as someone about to be a PARENT than to any injury of putting this name forward. ETA: I also remember seeing some HGTV design show where the couple named their kid after one of the parent’s FULLY adult partner who tragically died years before they dated. They have his pictures all over their house and named their kid after him because he was so important. Wish I could remember who. I don’t blame anyone who couldn’t/wouldn’t want that but it’s not so sacrilegious as everyone is saying
Every time I am confronted with the level of insecurity of the average person I am surprised. This man is throwing a tantrum over a dead 15 year old. Absolutely pathetic. And some of these comments are nuts. What fully adult person is worrying about someone their partner “dated” for a month at 15? They should be embarrassed to admit that out loud.
Jesus fuck thank you. I’m hinging on NTA. Naming your baby after an ex is a bad idea. Naming your baby after a *dead 15 year old best friend* is not the same thing as an ex. I hate the “name after” thing in general tbh (Jrs gross me the hell out) so maybe it’s just a guy thing, because in the reverse situation I would genuinely not be bothered by it. Screaming about it is way over the top. You don’t scream over a baby name, and it most definitely is not insulting. Imagine being jealous of a kid who’s been dead for over a decade? Good god.
Agreed. Being jealous of a dead 15 year old that your wife kind of dated for a while 13 years ago sounds a little insane, tbh.
I agree. As someone who has a dead childhood best friend who I dated for like 1 month as a teen, it would be honoring the friendship, not some brief relationship. I think the husband’s reaction was extremely over the top. If he is that insecure over someone who isn’t even alive, then I would be a little worried about what else he could be over the top about.
He was a friend for longer than they “dated”. Holding hands and kissing a bit in the hall is a lot to get worked up about.
Yeaaah I wouldn't name the baby after a dead ex-boyfriend, weird choice. Perhaps give him his own name.
One month of hand holding at 15 doesn't even count as an ex. He was her friend, and he died. She wanted to pay tribute to a childhood friend, not an ex.
Ok but this isn't one of his friends and they did happen to date, so he wasn't just a friend in the end. So it's weird that she would want to continue to remember him every single day by naming her own son after him forever, and then also have the husband associate the name with her dead ex-boyfriend/best friend lol. It's a weird association, I could understand it if the husband had known the best friend also, but this I don't really understand as it's just OP wanting to keep the memory of her dead friend alive through her child who will very much be alive.
Dead childhood friends don’t need tribute paying. Let the kid be their own person
Come on you knew this wasn’t going to be ok with him….or anyone really. Nobody wants their baby to be named after their partners ex. Doesn’t matter if you were 15, an ex is an ex to your partner. YTA for suggesting this.
At 15, you ain't nobodies ex. JHC! I realize this is Reddit, but get a grip!
Nah, 15 is a normal age to be dating and yes, if you break up with someone that makes them an ex. Girls are getting accidentally pregnant at that age, let’s not pretend they can’t have an ex. I know it’s hard to think outside of your own experiences but just because *you* weren’t dating at 15 doesn’t mean *MANY* other people aren’t. They are. They’re dating, they’re fucking and they’re breaking up.
The whole point was that OP and this dude weren't fucking. They had only kissed and held hands. They were primarily BFFs EDIT: amazing how people are responding asking that "so if you never have sex, is that not a relationship???" No, obviously that's not what I'm saying. If you're 15, and hold hands for a month, that's not a real relationship. Redditors pls learn nuance, I'm begging you.
What does this have to do with my comment explaining how it’s possible to have romantic relationships at 15, in response to a comment saying you can’t have an ex at 15?
ITT: literal children It's summer break, we're under attack 😭
I was having sex at 15. And so do many people. An ex is an ex. Get with reality
The comments are insane "guy you actually loved"... ... WHAT?
It's because they're also teenagers, so they don't get how different dating someone for a month at 15 is from a long-term adult relationship.
That... is probably what's going on and it genuinely made me feel better lol. Felt like I was in crazy land or something! But you're most likely right, it's just kids being kids on the internet lmao.
Seriously!!! She's made it very clear this was more about her FRIEND than an "ex". One response said that she obviously never got over her ex. I mean... really????
BUT WHAT IF THEY GET BACK TOGETHER?!? /s
These y-tas are bizarre. "I can't believe you want to honor the memory of a cherished childhood friend that you HELD HANDS WITH FOR A MONTH, you harpy!! Now your husband knows who you REALLY love!"
"You disrespected me as a dad" HELLO? DID NO ONE FINISH READING?? I FEEL LIKE IM GOING INSANE READING THE COMMENTS LIKE, WHAT??
Thank you! What on EARTH is with this comment section. Makes me sick honestly, that according to the edit, these fucking immature people convinced her to apologise instead of being rightly concerned about his weirdly possessive, aggressive and insecure comments, as well as the silent treatment and unwillingness to engage about their child until she does what he wants.
right??? that’s a wild thing to say. I’m grateful for y’all because at least there’s a tiny bit of sanity in this thread
I'm so confused! An ex is an ex? he was her best friend that died at 15. they didn't break up, they barely dated. I get that the dad might feel weird about, but these comments are completely delulu. How fragile is these people's sense of masculinity?
So fragile that they have to delete their comments apparently! The guy that was commenting to me deleted his comments cause he knew he was wrong and I called him out on it. Lol. All about a 15 year old dead kid and a dad that is trash.
Seriously, and disappointed that all these fragile people in the comments convinced her that she needs to apologize. Her husband is being so irrational here, he needs to get a grip there’s no reason to be that mad.
You can tell whose brain shut off before they started typing lmao
I feel like I’m losing my mind. They were *children*. Minors. This was not her high school sweetheart!!
I feel like I’m going crazy reading the comments. They were 15 and friends for 10 years. Most of the commenters need to go touch grass
NTA your husband is of course allowed to say no and you acknowledge that in your post. The anger is what gets to me. You were literally children and this was 15 years ago. Why did this suggestion make him so angry? He seems insecure. I'm also strongly against giving the cold shoulder in a marriage. You can take time to calm down and then talk it through, but refusing to speak to the partner you've chosen to spend your life with is incredibly immature and hurtful.
Totally agree with you. Flying off the handle was completely unecessary. They were kids who dated for a month...silly to be jealous. All he had to say was that he wasn't comfortable with the name. She seemed super chill about accepting his rejection of the name.
I think more than jealous, he’s upset at finding out that his wife “prefers” to name the baby after the ex/best friend more than him. Like the ex/bf had more of an impact to her than him. Giving the cold shoulder is also probably not intentional. If i were in his shoes I’d feel bad and wouldn’t know how to talk to her after that for a while. That’s how it looks like to me. I think instead of asking reddit whether she’s wrong or right, she has to take in to account how her husband might have felt and just apologize. Make him understand but don’t invalidate what he feels
none of that implies that the other guy had more of an impact than her husband...People name their kids after friends of theirs all the time. It has nothing to do with someone being better than someone else. Her apologizing every time his fragile ego gets hurt sets a shitty precedent. It would be one thing for her to apologize if he explained his feelings in a mature and respectful way but him giving her the cold shoulder isn't cool.
We chose our child's name partly because he was being named for someone. Incidentally, someone neither parent ever met. Does that make the person more important than the parents? No, that's stupid.
Nah - this is a weird take. I’d never name a child after my partner or me. It would never even be a consideration - it says nothing about the impact the person *I chose to spend my life with* has had on me.
My bet is that she talks about that time of her life and Lucas a lot. That's pure speculation of course but it would explain OP's husband suddenly flipping out. OP suggests "you know that person I talk about all the time, I'd really like to name our kid after him." Husband is likely tired of hearing about Lucas and doesn't want "Aww, little Lucas is just like my friend used to be." He should have explained it in a far calmer way but I can kind of understand it.
He can absolutely say no to the name for whatever reason. But to say suggesting it is "disrespecting the dad" is fucking bonkers
Yes, I don't like the anger. The demand that you apologise for 'disrespecting him as the father' - that's...concerning. The depth of the anger and the specific focus on 'respect', that worries me. I don't think you're an asshole for suggesting it, and I wouldn't think he's the asshole for saying no, but his *anger* in the process, his demand that you apologise for the crime of 'disrespect' - that's assholish. That gives me a bad feeling.
That’s why I’m really confused by this post. I think NTA bc it’s clearly a CHILD, like a dead child that has been dead for 15 years that was a close friend. Why was he SO mad?
NTA The immaturity on this post is astounding. You suggested, your husband responded in an outlandish way given your age and relationship *now.*
This is where I'm at. His response is over the top! Fine, sure, maybe the OP should have thought this out more - but she put the idea out there, he said no, she said "fine", and then he has a hissy fit and the whole disrespecting him as a dad?? OMG. Dude needs to get over himself.
This! She made a suggestion! And people act as if she is trying to force the matter.
He could've easily said "No, I wouldn't be comfortable with that" and they would have moved on.
YTA. Sometimes we do or say things with good intentions but it doesn’t always translate well because we are not the recipient of our delivery. 1. Naming your baby after a dead ex/male bestfriend who you still hold so dearly in your heart can be insulting to your present. Even if it wasn’t your intention, the outcome is a pain inflicted on your husband. 2. Your name suggestion came purely from your personal experience, it is not a shared memory with your husband. Both of you share your baby, but its name will come from a dude in your childhood pictures who you used to be intimate with, irrespective of duration. 3. When you apologize, it’s not about your intention, but how you made that person feel. If that person is important enough to you, you lower your pride and apologize. It’s free and won’t make you any less of a good partner. In fact, it reinforces you value him and will lessen the insecurity he’s most probably feeling from your suggestion. This can still be remedied. Pride is a great killer of relationships. Good luck!
I will never, ever understand why people are intimidated and angry about dead people. What’s wrong with honoring a dead 15 year old kid she once held hands with and kissed 13 years ago!? Such insecurity.
There are ways to honor someone other than naming your child after them, believe it or not
So she should name her dog or cat after him then. Not their shared child.
I know this is not the same but my dad was named after an uncle who died before his birth, to please his grandfather. He felt his name didn't belong to him for a long time, and he always felt like his grandfather didn't look at him as his grandson but as the son he had lost. For a kid, it can be very harmful and he asked my sister and I to never name anyone after him or any prematurely dead relative.
The dead are divine in the eyes of those who loved them. Why is her dead friend still being brought up enough for it to be a normal topic?
What.... are you saying she has to never mention her friend who died?
It's more the fact that he seems to be a topic of conversation more than a dead friend should be. He's in a lot of her pictures growing up, was the first taste of "love" with, and is requesting to name her son to honor. Yeah he's dead but no self respecting guy is going to be cool with that.
Do you not bring up dead people you loved?? How bizarre.
Because you are naming someone you share after someone you didn't share. Names are powerful and ppl should be honored in a way that isn't hurting anyone else.
NTA really. How are people so insecure? She married and is having a child with HUSBAND, how could husband be jelly of hand holding with a deceased 15 year old from 15 years ago? This whole thing is just so childish I can’t help but laugh.
INFO. How often do you talk about Lucas? That you feel the need to mention that your husband has never shown any disdain about you talking about Lucas suggests that he gets brought up quite a lot.
She actually states that there’s a picture of them on display in her home so I’m sure he comes up pretty often.
I have many pictures of my holiday travels and places I've lived in my house. They very rarely if ever get discussed, other than my toddler pointing one specific picture out Occasionally. Having a picture up to remember good time when you see it, doesn't mean it gets brought up often.
That’s true. But she does say in a comment that they talk about him whenever her family gets together and reminisces.
Not necessarily. One picture as a souvenir of the good times doesn’t equate a shrine and constant comparisons and discussions.
Wondering this as well
NTA Omg how insecure is your husband? "Disrespected him as a dad"!? The only thing he needed to have said was "mmm, I'd rather do a name without bagage, you know?" You came across the idea in your head, you thought about a close friend that you have good memories of and since you liked the name on itself as well you wanted to discuss the idea. Sounds ok to me. Your husband throwing a fit about it, not being able to distinguish between a close childhood friend you also had a slight romantic adventure with and, say, a random ex you were with for years right before you met your husband, and then demanding you apologise and sit there like a stubborn toddler untill you cave... sounds insane to me. Hope he can take a deep breath and be reasonable again soon.
His reaction is completely fucking bizarre and a true red flag. Does he get het up about being "respected as a man" often? Suggesting the name was fine, you took his "no" well and have nothing to apologise for. Of course you don't think of him as an ex, what you describe isn't what people would think of as a true romantic relationship. NTA.
yta, and I’m curious what you expected as a reaction lol praise and excitement?
Y'know, there's better ways to react to "Hey, was this person wrong to include her deceased childhood best friend's name (whom she dated for a month) as a possible middle name for their son - so wrong that the husband deserved to be furious?" than fake curiosity and sarcasm
NTA and I'm pretty sure a lot of the commenters brushed over the middle name part. so not a daily reminder. You asked, he said no, that should be it, the question alone doesn't warrant this kind of reaction when the boy in question is an old childhood friend and not really an ex
Omg i can't believe people have talked you into apologizing for this. Absolutely fucking absurd. Maybe his initial upset is understandable, but his unwillingness to hear *your* perspective at all and understand where *you* were coming from is disgusting, and to be stonewalling you and giving you the cold shoulder over this? Toxic, and childish, and a huge fucking red flag. His emotions aren't yours to manage. I get that sometimes we offend without intending to and need to clear things up, *but you already did that*. **What the actual fuck do you need to apologize for?** His overreaction? His borderline abusive behavior in giving you the cold shoulder until you cave to his tantrum and say what he wants to hear? Letting him tell you that you were being disrespectful *when you weren't*? This is genuinely concerning. Do not give in to this, or he'll be holding you hostage for the rest of your life. Drag his ass to therapy, work through this, idk, I'm not gonna just tell you to leave him, but **do not give in to his bullying** Eta forgot to say: NTA but your husband 100% is
NTA, your husband has overreacted
i was a little on the fence but i’m def leaning towards nta because it really seems clear based on your phrasing that he really was your best friend and i’m sure his death was traumatic for you at such a young age. also yall are GROWN now like this is ten plus years later so… honestly i can understand your husband saying no and maybe being a little hurt but i don’t think that you’re an ahole for it. i think his reaction to you was very inappropriate. you are carrying his child and clearly meant no disrespect. my verdict: nta
I'm sorry but i find your husband's reaction ridiculous and every comment that supports him just as ridiculous.
His original feeling of not being okay is valid. His actions are not acceptable. That’s the part people are trying to parse. One does not excuse the other
NTA, but the reaction from your husband seems extreme.
I don’t think it’s that deep, people focusing on him being your ex is insane when you were mostly just childhood friends and the dating you did was super innocent and considering how long ago that was. Your husband has every right to be upset/uncomfortable and you should listen to his feelings but he doesn’t have the right to blow up on you specially over something like that.
Why am I not surprised he wants the baby named after him?
That’s not what was said.
if you have to apologise for your idea then he has to apologise doubly so for his childish outburst
YTA. You need to understand that exes need to be off the table. Thing is, you don't really consider Lucas to be your ex. You consider him a friend. Your husband considers him as your ex. That's where the problem lies. You do need to apologize that you did not take this into account. You don't view him the same way your husband does but he is in no way wrong for feeling disrespected for you wanting to name your baby after an ex. If this was someone you dated in your 20's before your husband you would understand what he's saying, right? Well, that's exactly how he feels about someone you dated at 15. And for most people dating at 15 is real dating, not just the hand holding stuff of a 12 year old. Apologize. Explain that to you Lucas was really just a friend and you didn't even consider that your husband would view him more as an ex. Validate his feelings on this. Then move on.
She stated she already did this and further clarified she never thought a problem because they have a picture of her and Lucas hung in the house and the husband never had an issue. She also stated she plans on apologizing AGAIN. What I haven’t seen is her husband willing to apologize for his over the top reaction. If she never spoke of Lucas before and this was the first time and he was hurt that is one thing. She is allowed to speak of her late friend (I will never consider hand holding and a few stolen kisses at 15 an earth shattering love affair) and he never complains, so his previous actions don’t match his reaction to a suggestion. And I give the OP credit for not bashing her husband and trying to make him look like an AH, to the contrary she has been very respectful in her description of him.
Talking about him and naming your child after him are two wildly different things. Pretty stupid to think “well, I talk about him. Should be fine to name my son after him.”
NTA My husband and I still celebrate the birthday of my best friend who died 20 years ago. Your best friend just happened to be a guy.
Ignoring the "ex" part. It's always weird to me when people want to name a child after someone who died young. The older I get the more unnatural it becomes.
Slightly NTA. I was going to say NAH but your husband is overreacting by giving you the cold shoulder and demanding an apology. It’s okay to ask for an apology but he has no right to demand one. Is he just being chilly with you or straight up giving the silent treatment? If the later-that’s abusive. You were willing to let it go when he wasn’t okay with the name-that makes you NTA. I wanted a boy so bad but I never had one. If I couldn’t consider any names of anyone I had anything more than a strictly platonic relationship with- I would have had a hell of a time naming him. There’s a big difference between a guy you dated a decade ago where the furthest you went was kisses and a boyfriend of 3 years you wanted to marry.
NTA. Is he really jealous of a dead teenager? You floated an idea. Not a great idea, but he could have just said he wasn't comfortable with it. Maybe he just wanted you to be the one to suggest naming the kid after himself bc now he had to do it and that seems a little full of himself.
NTA. What in the world is up with your husband's reaction? That's bizarre. Is he usually this reactive?
Hmmm...this one is tough without knowing more about your relationship dynamic. Just from the information you provided, I would say that neither of you are the asshole. It's a sensitive subject for sure, though. Maybe put yourself in his shoes and try to imagine what that would feel like? I see how he could get upset about it, but I think he should try to give you the benefit of the doubt and understand you rather than give you the cold shoulder. Passive aggressiveness is never the answer.
NTA It was just a suggestion. He's the one that escalated it to a fight. He didn't need to do that, he could have just said he didn't want to and y'all could have moved on. Giving you the cold shoulder over this is childish.
NTA, you suggested the name of your deceased friend. Your husband is a petulant child if he is claiming you "disrespected" him. If he thinks this is a level of disrespect, then he doesn't know what actual disrespect is or what it is like.
Both parents have to agree on a name. Discard it and move on.
YTA. If my husband suggested naming our baby after an ex, no matter how innocent he claimed it was, I would be mad too. I get that you say it wasn’t a real relationship but it’s still not cool and I would not push it. Lucas is a nice name but there are millions of other names that your husband won’t harbor resentment and negative feelings toward.
YTA. Not sure how you don’t see how this would be an issue. Even slight.
coming from a woman, YTA and what were you thinking
I’m so interested in the NTAs… such virtuous people lol. Who wants their kid named after their spouses ex? Or even friend? It’s weird. Maybe the reaction was over the top, but it was a bad suggestion that surely would receive a negative response.
As a man, I wouldn't be happy with that either tbh. But also I don't think you owe him an apology, if my Mrs really pushed for it, I'd get over it, I think. If he hasn't lost friends he might not get it.
While you might feel shocked that your husband felt disrespected by the suggestion, the fact that you feel like it had nothing to do with him is in itself kind of disrespectful. I'm not sure how it didn't occur to you that it would affect him. I wouldn't want my husband to suggest a name of a woman or girl who was important to him in his past unless it was an actual relative like mom or aunt or grandmother or even cousin. Even if it's a childhood ex, it's a no go. Too weird.
From your post, Lucas doesn’t seem like your dear childhood friend, but your first love who was tragically taken away from you. Maybe without noticing you transmit that when you talk about him, and that’s why you husband is so upset.
NTA but equally I understand husband’s reticence. A conversation should be had at a later point when tempers have calmed around the way in which husband reacted to a suggestion that was put forward calmly by the sounds of it. It seems disproportionate and could have been expressed in a much more rational and calm way.
"I wasn't naming our baby after an ex, but an old friend" No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to choose which is more convenient to you on how to refer to your ex. He's both. And whether you intended to or not doesn't change the issue that it's disrespectful.
NTA He was a beloved lifelong friend and someone who gor a month help hands and exchanged as early teens. Validate his feelings and find a name with 2 enthusiastic yesses. Now me? I find myself in a similar situation with a recently deceased best friend, only issue our short fling was as adults and more porno than teen playtime. I keep my mouth shut even though it would mean the world to me, because my husband would be so hurt even though he was 100% best friend for 25 years not an ex lover. Saying no is one thing, going off on you and demanding apologies when there is nothing to be threatened by is crazy and irrational.
Pick a name you both agree on. Did you really need to come here for that advice? Come on lady, use your head.
Idk how you can downplay Lucas to ANYONE tbh.. “we were best friends” …yet you still call him an ex but then say it was nothing… so why even say ex? Unless you’re latched onto some first love thing. Just odd you think nothing of it while still saying he’s your ex. Then we go onto how you completely disregard your husbands feelings and make it all about YOU naming a child you created TOGETHER. Key word there is together. One half doesn’t like the name the reason doesn’t matter at all. Just real sneaky gas lighting type vibes coming from you. “Lucas was just a friend… an ex… but just like best friend. Why does this matter?? Why do I have to apologize?” Psshhhh… weird you even want to name him Lucas in the first place. YTA.. it isn’t about insecurity, it’s just plan rude and VERY weird.
NTA
NTA..... ex lover... 🤣🤣🤣 thats a stretch. You suggested it as a tribute to your friend, he said no, you said OK. Beyond that, he's being absolutely ridiculous and there's nothing to apologise for. He's being a big baby over nothing. And apologising won't change anything. Tell him you're going to have one baby on your hands soon, you don't need two.