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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I might be the asshole for nagging my husband over something that I perceive to be a problem, but he sees as a normal part of life
2. By insisting that my husband's morning poop routine is not normal/needs medical evaluation, I'm probably making him ashamed of something that he feels he has no control over and cannot change
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NTA for making the suggestion but you cannot force him. My advice is to go about your own life **despite** his routine. *(I'm going to go for a walk to get myself some coffee. I am not stopping to wait for you. I am not turning around to come back home for you. This is normal for you, and that is okay. But, it isn't normal to me and I am tired of revolving my morning routine around your BMs)*
He should definitely see a doctor, these are not normal bowel habits. Shitting yourself or having to shit in a alley multiple times a year is absolutely not normal and it could be something serious.
Who wants to live like that anyway though, I doubt he does and he may be scared something serious is going on but putting it off only makes the situation potentially unmanageable if it is something serious.
Yeahhh I was like oh okay I have two or three bowel movements a morning, spaced out, so that when it’s done it’s done, but then Ive also never come that close to shitting myself because of it. That’s a problem
I've got a similar thing too, bowel movement when I first get up out of bed and then another one at some point in the next hour. I've never shit myself either, it's def a problem.
Same here. Out of curiosity to see if there's similarities. Do you by chance skip breakfast and eat later in the day? I only eat 2 meals a day around 2-4pm and 8-10pm
no fr. if i even feel the urge, i’m sprinting to the bathroom to be safe. i think the only time i’ve had an accident was from our one bathroom being used, and it was bc my lactose intolerant ass decided “panera bread mac and cheese can’t hurt me *that* bad”. i was wrong, it can hurt you that badly…
NTA, OP. he should see a doctor, but as the original commenter in this thread suggested, don’t stop your own life for him. he’ll either wise up and seek help, or he’ll discover these awesome things called adult diapers/briefs (my dad uses this, wheelchair user. and it’s just as a precaution given he can’t exactly *control* it sometimes)
my mom offered it to me, i accepted, and i told her to never offer it to me again. bc i don’t learn my lesson. usually it’s just a stomach ache, like milkshakes or other dairy products. but that mac and cheese… i can still taste it… i can still remember the walk of shame i had to take 😭
I have IBS and had a very tiny accident (like, barely any mess) a few months ago because I was sound asleep when the cramps hit and then in my rush to get to the bathroom barely awake and without my glasses on, I literally ran into the wall. Every other time I've been able to hold it but I'm pretty sure that was my body going "you know what? fuck you" after I abused it.
oh that’s how the panera had me. except the pains started and i checked to see if the bathroom was open. nope. so i sat back down. the pain went away, i was like “oh thank you lord”. then another wave hit 10mins later, i checked again, still nope. sat back down on my bed, waited. it went away. the third wave came on so suddenly, i checked again, nope. i made it to my desk chair. when i got up to check again, it was like my ass said “you’ve tested fate too much”. there was absolutely no stopping it, jesus took the wheel and he sent the biggest “fuck you” he could
If he keeps saying that it's always been this way, my bet is that he has some kind of chronic health issue and this is just the most visible symptom of it.
Unfortunately, some of them are also notoriously hard to diagnose. Even if he goes to the doctor he may not get much help. I still think it's worth trying, though.
They could take him seriously and still not know what's wrong. For example, I've been having issues with my knees since I was 16 that range from swelling up so much I can't move, to intense pain every time I bend them. They evaluated me, I did physical therapy, and the doctors politely told me I was SOL because they couldn't determine a clear cause like an injury or arthritis. I just have to be on crutches sometimes.
Do your joints bend too much? Any weird rashes or skin conditions? Significant family history of similar issues or early death? Sorry if this is too nosy, but I love a good differential diagnosis. Judging by age of onset, you’re male or had delayed puberty?
Nah, I was 41 when I was diagnosed with celiac, which at the time of diagnosis also gave me 'toilet, now!' issues. Looking back, I had had it for decades prior.
I have a friend who has celiac. That's the 1st thing I thought of when I read this. Before she was diagnosed, when we would go out, she would scope out where bathrooms were so she knew where to run to. After her diagnosis, she is doing so much better.
Yeah...I got flagged as potentially having an eating disorder several times in middle school. We did weigh ins in gym class and a health screening once a year. I just laughed it off because I knew I ate and I was used to how I looked, and I ended up homeschooled after that so the scrutiny stopped. I just assumed some percentage of the population must naturally have this body type, because supermodels existed.
Ten years later I started having classic symptoms and cut out gluten. Two years after that, I was a healthy weight for my height for basically the first time ever.
Looking back at old photos of myself is genuinely alarming. At the time I was miffed people kept tactfully asking me if I was eating regularly. Now I'm like, holy shit how did people just let that go??
my sister was in her 30s, before she was diagnosed with IBS... so probably not, especially if he never really discussed this issue with a doc because he didnt see it as an issue.
Not really, many problems are difficult to diagnose. Since COVID three of us in my family were diagnosed with coeliac disease - two of us are in our 30s and my Mum is 60. We've had issues like this for 15-20 years each, and I was even in hospital when I was 7 but they couldn't work out what the problem was.
You might also add “I love spending time with you and I wish you could come with me right now.” In writing it might read as manipulative, but I think just genuinely emphasizing that you’re not going without him because you’re mad or punishing him, just that you’re doing what you need to do for you, and you would so love it if he would/could come.
Bowel movements right or very soon after waking is pretty common. I assume this one is before breakfast from what you say, right?
The second one would then be after breakfast. That seems to point out that there is some food in his breakfast that causes a dhiarrea-like movement.
Maybe you could try altering breakfast in some ways to pinpoint a culprit? For instance, milk is often responsible for this if you have developed lactose intolerance, you could try switching to unlactosed milk and see what happens.
This is great advice! My husband isn’t quite as bad as OP’s, but similar. It doesn’t keep him from doing things, but I get stories from his buddies about him squatting behind trees while golfing when there’s no bathroom in sight. 🤢 With the rise in colorectal cancer in young people, I can’t help but worry that he has something wrong with his bowels. I stock the house with kombucha, yogurt, healthy foods, we eat a balanced diet - nothing seems to help. We’ve tried prebiotics and probiotics, I made him cut energy drinks and fatty foods. I feel OP’s pain, and understand the recommendation to see a doctor! You have to stay healthy to be a present, loving spouse.
I was all set to say leave him alone until you said it results in him sometimes shitting in an alley or in his pants. WTF? I understand if he's embarrassed to talk to a doctor about it, but wouldn't it be a hell of a lot more embarrassing to shit himself in public? Honestly, there could be an easy fix or the doctor might say, "as long as you're going, just plan accordingly!" and then he can tell you he did his due diligence and there's nothing else to be done... though therapy might be a good choice too, as someone else mentioned, could be some psychosomatic issues going on there.
yep. I was like, meh guess mornings will be more alone time, let him be. Shitting yourself a couple of times a year, and/or having to shit in random public places is wild. I can't get on board with that.
>there could be an easy fix or the doctor might say, "as long as you're going, just plan accordingly!" and then he can tell you he did his due diligence and there's nothing else to be done...
Exactly! We need to normalize going to the doctor if only to make sure everything is working as intended. It's better than keep wondering.
Yeah, that's where I sided with OP. He's shitting in public multiple times A YEAR. I haven't had an emergency shit in the bushes situation since I was a little kid who stayed out playing too long.
And I'm sure she's been there for these. Can you imagine going for a walk and your walking partner runs off to shit in a neighbors bushes? He'll no, that's not OK.
NTA because of this: “he does have minor accidents a couple of times per year when caught short. He will also occasionally shit in an alleyway, garden or other public space when caught short”.
You can’t force him to seek help, but WTF on this alone.
Yeah... I felt the same way
I, honestly, don't see how someone can be a "wonderful man" but also regularly shits himself or in the street... and apparently claims he always has...
You don’t understand how someone can be a wonderful man and still have a medical issue?
Since he’s been that way his whole life, it’s probably normal to him and he doesn’t realize he has a medical issue.
I don’t understand how someone can be a wonderful man and think it’s okay for other people to put up with his shit — literally. He may not be able to help having a medical condition, but continuing to shit in public multiple times a year without seeing a doctor about it is a choice.
Ngl, I don’t think I could be with someone who does that AND refuses to go see a doctor. Like, wtf— he could be arrested and put on a list.
Now, if it was a diagnosable condition and he was getting a handle on it, I’d 100% be supportive and ok. But this? Nah.
SAME! What if you lived together and he shit in your neighbors bushes. Can you imagine?
I have cameras. If a neighbor shit in my yard, I'd be reporting that to someone. The police might knock on your door just to be like "listen, he got caught. Tell him not to shit in the neighbors bushes or we might actually have to fine him or something."
ID DIE.
Totally agree, but unfortunately it seems to be surprisingly common 😬
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/world-44395861.amp
Maybe somewhere near OP people are wondering who keeps shitting in their yards/local parks
I would say if absolutely nothing else, remind him that if he gets caught, in most places that's public indecency and that can and WILL ruin his life and even potentially put a massive burden on her. At the very least, if caught he could have the actual ability to argue it's a medical issue and not just I've always been like this... What if a kid passes by while all his bits are out. Absolutely terrible idea to ignore something this urgent
At the very least, he's going to get his face splashed everywhere with a title like "Poopie Bandit" or something. That's going to go viral, and you won't be able to buy groceries without people asking if you're Mrs. Poopie Bandit.
I for one cannot handle the responsibility of a title.
Mrs. PP. Public Pooper. Nah I couldn't do it. Nope. Even without the risk of life altering consequences if caught, that would be too much for me. He's really only thinking about himself and not even in a good way.
NTA. It’s fucking tiresome that some men will do anything to avoid a dr appointment, even knowing it could bring you piece of mind.
It’s an hour out of his day, you’re not asking him to move mountains.
His refusal to recognise that it impacts you is frustrating.
You shouldn’t have to plan every morning around a grown man’s bowel movements.
And he absolutely should not be shitting in gardens or alleys on a yearly-or-so basis. That’s NOT NORMAL.
It’s not just men. My grandmother refused to go to the doctor no matter how sick she was. Christmas 1992, my aunt came to town and finally convinced her to make an appointment. The earliest she could get was January 4, 1993. She died January 3, 1993.
I guess she really didn’t want to go to that appointment…
I laughed at this and I shouldn’t have.
But relatedly, my grandmother thought she could just sit through a stroke because she was tough. By the time we found her and got her help, she was paralyzed. Was sustained in a skilled nursing facility for over 2 decades after that, complete with a feeding tube and diapers. She communicated by blinking. Laws of the country did not allow comfort/hospice care. She stared at a ceiling for 25 years while her body wasted away.
Go see a fucking doctor, people. OP NTA.
This is what my mom did too. In hindsight she likely had little mini TIA's till the bigger one hit... unfortunately the people around her enabled her to NOT go to the hospital She couldn't support herself to walk to the toilet and needed help and also sounded slurred... which probably means she had a facial droop too. It wasn't until hours later that she collapsed and they had to call an ambulance to which I was told by my mother that when the paramedics saw her they immediately said stroke and to take her to X hospital rather than the closest one because that's the one with a stroke unit....
She consequently wasn't eligible for clot busting drugs or whatever and has permanent deficits. She did go home after a lot of weeks but needed significant care... then had another major stroke... and has now spent the last 18 or so months in a nursing home basically bedbound....
Had she received prompt medical care when the stroke first occurred... then she might not be in the same position she is now. She's not that old either in her early 70's... stroke was in her late 60's.
My great grandma was the exact same way even though she had atrial fibrillation for decades. She got heparin injection and blood tests all the time but Adamantly refused actual check ins because she was a mule of a stubborn strong woman.
Finally in her mid 93rd year she complained about what she thought was some emphysema and my mom took her to get xrays and stuff and it turns out she actually had stage IV lung cancer that had metastasized to her ribs. She died about a week later. Miss you Grandma. That was in 2012
Op, NTA
NTA
He needs to go. But the fact that it's always at particular times could mean he has trained himself that those are the times to go. When I was little, my grandma always woke me up in the middle of the night to pee so I wouldn't wet the bed and no matter what now, I always still wake up at those times and have to go immediately. It's psychosomatic (although if I go to bed late like 1 am, I won't wake up). But this is not normal that he can't even hold it bc his body is ready. Using it as soon as he wakes up is common, most ppl do that. But the 2 hours later? Does he drink coffee? It could be that or dairy (does he had milk). IT could be that simple.
We have changed to dairy free milk without improvement. He does drink coffee - this speeds things up so that he can go twice in quicker succession (get everything done before leaving home). If he doesn't drink coffee, the timing is more unpredictable and the urgency is still there.
He should probably stop drinking coffee. If he has IBS-D (which it sounds like might be likely), this can be a significant trigger food. It might be worsening or even causing the urgency issues.
NTA. A few years ago there was a news story in Brisbane, Australia about a guy who kept pooping on a footpath in a community garden. They called him the Poo Jogger because a few people had seen him do it, but couldn't identify him.
Until his picture, bent over mid shit looking directly at the camera, ran as front page news. If you google Poo Jogger, or even public poop Brisbane, you will find it.
Do not let your husband become Poo Jogger 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or just refuse to wait for him.
He’s 38, if he hasn’t started getting a yearly check up he needs to start. It’s not uncommon for men to avoid it. He might even be feeling some fear. I think it definitely should be discussed with a doctor. NAH.
This.
In some countries, the annual check up involves vital sign measurement and blood tests. Which is sort of good enough for most.
I don’t think they routinely carry out things like per rectal exam - but I have seen many USA TV shows that show this to be a ‘routine’ thing. (yes I know this might not reflect actual USA annual physical, but I am not from the USA so I don’t know)
Not a doctor.
Fecal urgency can indeed be a sign of problems but if he’s always been like that then it could be habit.
AYTA for insisting? I think given what’s happening and how it affects you, no. Insisting is a bit parent/child but in context it kinda sorta fits. It’s driven by care too so not like you’re trying to piss him off.
Can you make him go? Also no.
Can you reach a middle ground so it’s not you at YES and him at NO? Probably. What that is I don’t know.
If I was him would I go? Yes.
Always like this? If he had played morning sports on the regular then this is a developed occurence albeit long standing.
I am not a doctor, but I am a recovering stage 4 colorectal cancer patient.
It would not be a bad idea for him to see a doctor and get a colonoscopy.
Sure. But scopes are taboo topic. They do not hurt, and if they yield a result, good or bad, it can help to understand the fecal urgency issue and resolve it.
Good luck. Nta, btw.
As someone who need to shit 2 or 3 times a morning and struggles to hold it, I was prepared to call you an asshole...but I've never had to shit in an alley.
Your complete casualness of "OCCASIONALLY will go in a garden, alley, or path" just has me so boggled, or maybe more boggled he doesn't see it as something happening this often might be something you need to get looked at
And will also apparently shit himself several times a year? OP dropped that in as if that isn’t ABSURDLY CONCERNING behavior for an adult man. Her husband should not be okay with it and OP definitely should not be okay with it!
I poop pretty much every morning within an hour of having my coffee. But, it's not urgent and if I just had to hold it in, I could. The inability to hold it is the most concerning part IMO. Hope he gets checked
I used to be the exact same. I understand the dilemma. What worked for me was adding fiber to my diet. Like, lots of it including food choices. But maybe what had the biggest impact was Metamucil in the morning and at night. Tell him to try it!
You should try make a Japanese dish called “nabe”, it’s really just a broth and you can throw in as many veggies as you like (wombok, mushrooms, tofu), served with rice it’s really delicious, healthy and an easy way to get your fibre in.
NTA. You’re allowed to tell your partner that they need to see a doctor about that. I mean, you can’t be out with someone if there’s a high likelihood they’d poop themselves. Would also be embarrassing for you. And is it really a trait you want to be married to - a husband who does wild poos.
Even if he feels he is ok he should see a Dr because it will make you feel more comfortable about the situation. That's what marriage is about I guess, not married myself. If you love someone and they are asking you to do something that is nothing more than a minor inconvenience to you, why would you not do it ? Even if it's just to help your partner feel better in your mind. Ultimately,it sounds like the guy doesn't realize or care how much of a privilege it is to be able to just schedule a DR. If he ends up with cancer or shits himself to death in a Wal-Mart somewhere, then it's his fault.
NTA
If he’s publicly using the restroom, someone could be responsible for having to clean that? It’s disgusting that he’s more willing to force someone to clean his excrement than he is to just go to the doctor and find out if he has a medical issue that may have a super easy fix….. That’s absolutely horrendous, and toddler behavior at best
NAH - This sounds like a habit he has formed with its consistency and has trained his body. Did he used to get up for school/work, use the bathroom, and then as a precaution use it before he left again? Something like that can cause the body to essentially program itself to poop at those time intervals. If he wakes up and poops, and then has food/coffee/water, or something it can also trigger the body to go through the motions.
At his age though it's worth it to schedule a colonoscopy for preventative care. Constant use of the bathroom like that can cause things like hemorrhoids, diverticulosis, weakening of colon, etc. The worse ones will usually show up if he's going multiple other times and is influenced highly by diet. It's also good to catch and eliminate polyps which many people get approaching 40.
Keep a food log. See if anything makes it better or worse. Kinda reminds me of when I got diagnosed with IBS, I had to completely cut certain tings out of my diet. NTA, your world shouldn’t have to revolve around his shits. He should also want to talk to someone so he stops shitting himself.
NTA. If he can't hold his poop that's a continence issue and a health issue. Yes, a lot of people have an internal poop schedule, but if he can't hold it to the point where he's pooping in public places that's a concern. But also, if he's not going to figure it out, don't let it run your life. Stop waiting for him. It might not disrupt his life but that's because you're the one accommodating the disruption.
NTA.
This could be as simple as IBS to a more serious issue. Definitely should go see a doctor as this is not normal bowel movements.
I had a previous relationship where they had sometime similar but refused to see a doctor. It is very difficult to have a partner who you have to consistently accommodate their bathroom breaks around everything you do. After every meal, in the middle of events, parties, work, or other responsibilities. Sometimes its a 15 min wait, sometimes it's an hour waiting for him to finish. It makes us late for things or delayed us getting home at a reasonable time or just takes the enjoyment out of events because we spent half of it waiting for him to shit... Personally I hated it. I urged him to get professional help but he pretty much shrugged it off and never went further than taking some probiotics.
I'm sorry but don't hold your breath waiting for him to go see a doctor. If he doesn't see it as a problem he may never really deal with it until it develops into something severe.
I had some GI issues. It took an honest conversation with my wife telling me nicely, but directly, that's not normal, you need to get it checked.
Turns out I have Celiac disease. Changed my diet and things got soooooooo much better. Sometimes you don't realize how much something was affecting you until it's corrected.
NTA. He should get it checked. When you married, or have kids, it's not just about yourself, but the family.
This is common for people with /r/IBD. It’s worth asking to see a gastroenterologist. If there is blood or mucus that’s more worrying but the urgency is still a problem. NTA.
Source: I have /r/UlcerativeColitis and this is fairly normal for me. Nobody likes to talk to the doctor about pooping.
UC gang represent! The shitting in the alley part probably grossed most people out, but for me it elicited a lot of empathy and painful memories. When bowel movements are controlling your life, it can be very embarrassing and shameful. There are solutions, but only if one is willing to seek help.
Did you know married men live longer then unmarried men? It's because women make men go to the doctor when they wouldn't go if their not married.
So medical it really does sound like he got a problem. It's something he should look into. But you can only support him and mention it, you can't forse him.
What you can do is drew a line for what's acceptabel to you.
>It affects time we spend together as our morning cannot begin until this routine is accomplished.
His, his morning. You can fill in those mornings as you please. He can't and i would be very understanding of his "situation" if he tried to do anything about it, but if he doesn't want to see a doctor, it's his problem and it shouldn't be yours.
Also, and i think most important, i would talk too him and tell me how it makes me feel. I would've been concerned about his health.
If it was my husband he'll got a choise, he could go to the doctor and i will spend my morning with him, but if he wasn't i'm gonne spend that time as me time.
NTA
But can you clarify on whether there has been a change?
You said that his protests focus on how this is a normal part of life and he's always been this way.
But you also said he had to quit an early morning exercise hobby because of this, which suggests it has gotten worse because it previously did not preclude this activity and now it does. Has it really always been this way, or is it getting worse?
I had the same exact thing as your husband… Sometimes I would have to literally sprint into work or I’d shit my pants in the car, once I did and had to turn around and go home…
The biggest change for me was gluten. After 2 weeks of gluten free AND metamucil (2 tablespoons per day), it was a total game changer.
He may be gluten intolerant
Make an appointment for him at a gastroenterologist, let him know the time attend the appointment with him because he may be embarrassed ask for ultrasound or pet scan this problem can be more serious than he thinks or it can just be something minor to fix with a simple prescription. In the meantime I hope he has potty wipes in the car with him and sanitizer in case of this alleyway emergencies, you know there’s usually a CCTV in those things he better be careful. NTA
Hi OP, nurse here. This is abnormal-not because it’s twice in the morning, but because he cannot hold it. I’m not a diagnosing physician but it sounds like your husband may suffer from a form of encopresis. Physical therapy could possibly help strengthen his pelvic muscles so he has better control over “the urge”. Maybe that could be broached as a middle ground instead of a full MD visit? I agree with the other commenters- live your life, don’t wait for an adult with shitty underwear to dictate it.
Edited to add: obviously NTA
I was about to say that sounds pretty normal bowel activity until you said he was shitting in alleyways.
Why does HE think it’s normal that ‘he has always been this way?’ This is not normal at all.
I'm not a doctor. But I do know that colon cancer is becoming more and more common among people in their 30s. A friend of mine was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at 38---the only sign was irregularities in when she had to poop.
Get your husband to see a doctor ASAP
NTA to suggest he sees a doctor, but every body is different. Expecting everyone to completely evacuate their bowels in their first visit to the bathroom every morning is unrealistic.
NTA, as someone who works as a receptionist at a pelvic floor physiotherapist practice, we see a lot of people with both frequency and urgency bowel problems. I definitely recommend seeing your doctor and asking about local physios who specializes in the area. Let me know if you have any questions as well!
NTA "Shitting in alleyways" This is not normal in anyway. There are illicit drugs like that make people have to go poop immediately. I would really be questioning what is he doing that he's being " caught short" this is a huge red flag. Have him drug tested. It could be something he is taking thats making him do this that he's not mentioning. This could also be a medical issue he needs to have his colon looked at. He needs a colonoscopy to see whats going on. Do not let this go this could be a super serious medical issue. If you don't want to be a widow then have him take care of himself. Talk to his parents and have them talk to him. He owes that to you to take care of himself. You need to ask more questions like what is the consistency, is diarrhea, solid etc? The consistency and color tell a lot about a persons health. It could be a disease or infection. If he gets sick guess who is going to be visiting hospitals taking care of him?
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I (35F) am married to a wonderful man (38M). He has his quirks, most of which I really love. There is one small issue which I would love for him to work on, as I think it would make both of our lives easier.
My husband needs to poop twice every morning. Once immediately after waking, once at a variable interval thereafter, usually within 2hrs.
He CANNOT hold it and must go within a few minutes of the urge.
He has had to quit an early morning exercise hobby because if he gets the urge to go during his workout, he has to let the team down to go to the bathroom immediately or else shit himself.
It affects time we spend together as our morning cannot begin until this routine is accomplished. When we set out to go for a morning walk or do errands, we frequently have to turn back or find a restroom within 10-15mins so he can do his second shit.
We've chatted about why things are this way and he states he has always been this way. He does not feel his life to be particularly disrupted, although he does have minor accidents a couple of times per year when caught short. He will also occasionally shit in an alleyway, garden or other public space when caught short, which is concerning as he could be arrested or at least humiliated if caught (not to mention it's disgusting). I've suggested numerous times that seeing a doctor/physio and working on this might make his (our) mornings less stressful, but he hasn't expressed any interest in following up on this.
He otherwise has no issues with health or continence, but I'm mindful that there could be a medical explanation for why he is like this. Equally, I don't want to pathologise or stigmatise him. He is irritated at my insistence that he should get help for what he views as a normal part of his life. AITA for insisting that he seek a medical opinion even though he's adamant that he's okay with living this way?
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I have the same peew schedule, except its immediately getting up, and 30 min later. Been this way for years, my Dr said 90 percent of people would kill to have any kind of regularity. NTA, but might not be a simple solution to this shitty dilemma
NTA but maybe consider cutting gluten. Gluten is in a LOT of things you wouldn't expect too and it can be difficult to get rid of completely. But look into it and it really might just do the trick.
I am very similar. I've changed my routine to later morning or afternoon activities when possible. It's kind of a pain but my husband who is constipated is very jealous. The upside is these are pretty quick occurrences, no wasting time sitting or anything.
I’m a morning pooper. Sometimes 2-3 times in the morning, and maybe 1 more time the rest of the day. 😂 My body knows I’m gonna either run or take a workout class, so that’s my “evacuation” time. Maybe he needs to wake up an hour earlier so he can get it all out before you leave?
We need an update for this.
Thoughts: if it is as clockwork as you’ve described shouldn’t that make it quite predictable and easy to manage?
If he has got 10-15 mins before it comes out shouldn’t that be simple; ie always be within 5-10 minutes of a toilet until 11am???
There are some send away poop tests you can do (eg Nutripath etc) where you send vials you’ve collected away in the mail and they gives you a comprehensive analysis with any red flags.
Can be a good first step to take the results to the doctor and/or nutritionist so they have something to look at straight away.
Can you add this to the post;
What is his height and weight?
Body shape?
What would you rate his General diet and exercise and why?
NTA that’s definitely not normal, and it’s having a negative effect on his life,preventing him from doing normal things, and that’s a sigh you should get it checked out.
Idk about being an asshole but as someone w a med background, this does not seem concerning to me with the info you gave. mans just gotta poop lol
3x or more in a day is considered diarrhea (and that's if its watery) and would be a concern. 2x is perfectly regular, even if it is urgent. everyone should be going to their PCP regularly though for physicals etc. He's almost at the age of colonoscopy screenings (45), so if there is a family history of GI issues, that might be something to look into.
So far, though, you're not necessarily an ass. This is just a non issue based on the info you provided
If doesn't seem concerning that he has to shit in alleys and other people's gardens multiple times a year? Far be it from me to question your medical background but it's not a non issue when adults shit themselves in public places. It's a big f-ing issue. It's absolutely disgusting, vile and unacceptable. It's a health hazard and public nuisance. He could end up arrested for indecent exposure as presumably he has to expose himself to take the public shit. If a child sees him with his pants down, he could end up on a list he doesn't want to be on.
NAH, but don’t change your own schedule for this until he schedules an appointment to discuss this with his doctor. Maybe he would consider one of those home colon screening kits where you ship a little poop to a doctor. At the very least, he should be open to trying to regulate this with dietary measures (not eating after a certain time of night, adding fiber rich foods to his diet). I would quietly install a bidet toilet seat with a turbo setting, leave some Preparation H wipes in the bathroom, and maybe a package of Metamucil cookies in the pantry (out of reach of children).
On the topic of serial poppers. I can usually hold it, but I do have instances where idc to go in a public restroom to relieve the pain. But honestly, it's not that I'm going around shitt1ng myself.
I thought you were overreacting until you got to shitting in alleyways and gardens.
Your body can get into a routine though - I used to start work at 5am and need to poo every day at 7am.
How long does this "morning" period last?
If you put your foot down and say you cannot go anywhere with him in the mornings, wouldn't that be "affecting his life"?
Having to regularly watch your husband defecate in public is NOT normal (unless you're into that, I guess...)
You know.. it took my boyfriend’s dad finding out he has prostate cancer, that really pushed my boyfriend to go just get a yearly check up. Don’t wait til it’s too late.
If you manage to get him to the doctor, try to write the doc an email or give them a call before to describe the symptoms, otherwise he will probably play it down...
Tell your husband that you are concerned, you feel very dismissed by him with your worries, and that its a huge turn off to have to mother and nag him about this because he can't be a fucking adult and take care of himself properly.
Also, stop waiting around on him, just tell him "I'll meet you there when you are done"
NTA also maybe try adding more fiber and probiotics to his diet that helped me go more regular and with my gut issues. Also maybe a gastroenterologist or allergist if you think it’s related to a food intolerance. Doesn’t hurt to talk to a doctor and nothing wrong with a suggestion sounds like it’s inconvenient and going to the doctor to talk about these things shouldn’t be scary
NTA, my dad has been ignoring medical needs concerning his diabetes, and despite my mom telling him for years, only now has her with my sister and I finally gotten through. He’s 73 and he’s probably going to lose his entire leg
NTA. It may not be affecting him, but it is affecting you, and this is a bit abnormal. I don’t see just getting it checked out being a bad idea. You just can’t force him if he insists on no.
If it got better with a change in diet, I would go further with looking at what he likes to eat on the daily. Diarrhea is a common problem with celiac disease, maybe cut out all wheat products for a little while and see what happens.
IF there's too much fat in his diet, it might not be helping.
Google said it could mean four things if this has been going on for this long, 1. Diabetes 2. Multiple sclerosis 3. Dementia 4. Weakening of a muscle that controls the opening of the anus. (I don't think we should listen to Google, but definitely make him go see a doctor. And if the doctor doesn't see anything wrong go get other opinions by other professionals. A lot of professionals can sometimes miss things that others don't.)
NTA. It sounds like he has a regular routine, and if he could manage his time well, I would suggest you let him be... But clearly, he can't. It's unacceptable for an adult to risk defecating in public places or even on themselves at any time. Public defecation is illegal in many places, and it's absolutely reasonable for you to take a firm stance when it involves breaking the law.
Since he is only 38 incontinece is not typical and could indicate really bad stuff. He should go visit a doctor.
But you did not force him to go, but suggested he should go. and even if, you worry about him and if that annoys him is his bad. NTA
I'm in my 60s and have shit twice a morning for as long as I can remember. I plan on it and that's the way it is. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. My wife only shits maybe 2or3 times a week, so what I don't give a shit 😃
NTA but if he's lived with this his entire life and is satisfied with the way he manages it, it's his business. Sounds like classic IBS and he probably can't be cured of it, so best to let him manage it. If it gets to a point where he feels it's unmanageable it's still on him to seek help, not on you to force him.
It would be a different story if it was a recent development, as it would be indicative of something more serious.
NTA wthh.. he's a grown man . you did your part by telling him to go to the hospital, him refusing is his loss, not yours. go about your life and dont ask him again , hes capable of knowing what he wants to do.
Sounds like IBS to me. Weirdly, I have to go twice a morning (I have IBS) and cannot go all at once for some random reason. That's assuming I can go at all! I've not quite gotten to the point of shitting myself or hopping over random walls thank god, but there are levels of IBS and he sounds pretty bad!
Ultimately though, there's nothing that can be done for for it and he's always had it so I don't really see the point in bothering a doctor. If it was new then definitely but not for something he's had since he was a kid. Having said that, I am also someone who rarely visits a doctor so maybe I'm not best placed to advise 🤷🏼♀️.
No one should have minor shit in pants-accidents as an adult, what the hell?
He needs to go to the doctor. Can't he hold it in? What is happening, does he have diarrhea every day?
He definitely should see a gastroenterologist. I don’t think it’s normal for his bowels to dump out like that, especially that close together. If he was only pooping once every morning that’s normal. But to immediately have to go again 10 - 15 minutes later to the point of him having accidents is cause for concern.
i seem to find my dad has issues like this, but not within 10-15 minutes after the first one, i think its just a thing that may happen as they get olde, then again not to mention but my dad is in his 50s but for as long as ive known, he has always been like this in the morning but has never been to the doctors to figure out the same reason, but my suggestion is either the age as u get older or may also be fast metabolism
Technically a healthy person can shit up to 8 times a day sooo mabey every body is different and what might not be normal for you is normal for someone else? For example every single morning I have to shower. If I was ever told it impedes in my girlfriends time when I do in the morning I'd tell her to wake up later then if she's got a problem cuz me showering shouldnt have an impact on your life and if it does find yourself a 5 minute hobby while I shower idk but not my problem if someone is upset by my routine.
NTA. Before my dad died, he became less and less able to get to the loo in time (he was in his 80's). Got to the point my mother took him to the doctor, they did tests could not find what was causing it. I went to visit one day and was having a look through his huge amount of medications only to find laxatives, not on his prescription list. He had of his own accord somehow bought several months worth of laxatives and was taking one or two a day for no know reason other than he was going insane.
I'm sure OP's young partner is not insane but do double check his diet and supplements for anything that might be causing the issue. For example, when I used to go to the gym in my youth I would get through a fair bit of protein powder and various supplements, some of them occasionally would pass through me with the power of a tsunami and yeah, there was no stopping the motion. Main problem ones were protein shakes with loads of sweeter, the ones with a bit too much fibre, the ones with to much friendly bacteria. Also one of the pre-workout powder drinks was notorious for causing stomach cramps, lots of wind and surprise pooping.
Context: does he wake up and drink coffee?
that can make you poop right off the bat and soon after.
also its normal to poop as many meals as you eat a day. So say you have 3 meals you should poop 3 times a day.
nothing wrong with getting checked out. he could be uncomfortable doing it so i wouldn't push him to do so. If his family has a history of colon cancer or colon problems then he should defiantly get a colonoscopy by 40. he can choose to be sedated or awake.
the not being able to hold it sounds like it could maybe be chrones related. my mom has chrones disease and she has to go when she has to go or she will shit right then and there.
luckily if it was chrones he can easily mitigate it by changing eating habits.
He should see a doctor,it sounds like he’s got something going on with his colon which can be an indication of something actually wrong. My great uncle passed in his mid 40s because he had colon cancer and some of his colon had become necrotic
I can only imagine what his eating habits consist of. That sounds like IBS or gluten issues, if not a combo. My old roommate couldn't function the first few hours of the morning cause of her shitty eating habits. Never made plans with her in the mornings and avoided all restaurants cause our apartment would have been a stink bomb until she unbacked herself. I offered to cook for her, but "my food is what her food shits on" (I'm vegan, was vegetarian at the time). At least I can eat a vegan burger and gluten free bun and know I won't shit myself getting out of bed heading to the bathroom. If any of this sounds familiar. Start swapping grocery items, if you do the shopping, with gluten free ones to get started. Process of eliminating issues before going to a doctor so they can help narrow down. Down bread physically hurt and make him gotta go in 30mins after eating? Is is meat that triggers it? Gallbladders not working/creating stones can trigger IBS symptoms. I personally experience gallbladder issues for 3 years and not one doctor took an ultrasound until the pain was so bad I went to the ER and they did emergency surgery since it was dead and causing infections. I have stomach ulcers from my gallbladder leaking over 3 years. Please, the urge to poop is one thing, the actually pooping of pants on the regular says other issues. Also with all that straining, he might have hemorrhoids, which is why he's avoiding being seen. Bleeding from one's butt is something men do not want to talk about or even let a doctor know about.
A grown adult who has "accidents" meaning they shit themself if they can't find a toilet within a few minutes, a couple of times a year, is by no stretch of the imagination, "healthy".
Nta, girl divorce him. He clearly doesn’t prioritize you at all, and values his poo time over you. /s
I mean it really isn’t that big of a deal, it’s just a normal bodily function
Has he ever had an operation on his bowels?
I had an operation 20 years ago that had complications from an injury, they suggested I’d likely have numerous major side effects from it, fortunately I never had any of the major ones, just one minor one, that is what can’t really tell when I need to poop, this does result in the occasional accident once or twice a year, but for the most part I shit on the clock, every morning at 9am I sit on the toilet and attempt to poop, 9 times out of 10 I poop and I’m good for 24 hours.
Doesn’t really affect my life at all.
His situation sounds like a more hardcore version of mine.
"AITA for insisting that he seek a medical opinion even though he's adamant that he's okay with living this way?"
He's okay with occasionally shitting in an alleyway?!
That's disgusting. He's no better than a toilet-training toddler.
I get that many people have bowel issues that can be difficult sometimes embarrassing to live with. But he's not even trying to make his life better.
NTA but you should be repulsed by how low his standards are for himself.
NTA I shit multiple times during the morning but have never shat myself because I was holding it in.
That's weird... I would go to the DR because who wants to be able to shift themselves like that?
NTA.
What is it about men and not being able to hold their poops in for even a moment? On the regular no less. Dear lord. It's like they're not toilet trained properly. I don't know how many men I've heard explain how holy their pooping time is. Also sitting on the toilet for like 40 minutes, why are you not just waiting until your body says go? They all claim to have IBS or whatever. I know "not all men", I'm just saying a lot of them in my experience.
Your husband should see a doctor, sure, to rule things out. But I'd bet money it's a therapist that would actually help. This seems psychological.
So…he should definitely see a doctor, that’s not normal. However he is an adult so YWBTA if you continue to push him. My suggestion is to stop revolving your day around his shits. You wanna go for a walk- go for a walk, don’t stop don’t turn around. Tell him- since you refuse to get this issue looked into I am no longer going to let my life be dictated by it
NTA - this is not normal. Shitting his pants a couple times a year in average is not healthy, and the fact he has used alleys or public space because of the intensity of this urge is not good.
This sounds like IBS-D. But IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion. They need to rule everything else out. If this has been “normal” for him his whole life, then it’s less likely to be something like colon cancer. But it still could be a host of other issues.
There are treatment options for IBS-D but they likely will not resolve it completely. Diet/lifestyle is a major one. Loperamide taken therapeutically is another. SSRIs can help as well. But he needs to see a doctor to go over these options! His life can get better!!
Also, coffee can be a HUGE irritant/trigger food for IBS-D. It looks like he’s using it to speed up his schedule in the morning, but it may actually be exacerbating the urgency issues. Or even causing them altogether. As a lifelong sufferer of IBS-D, my life improved drastically once I quit drinking coffee.
Colonoscopies are uncomfortable and even scary if he has any underlying anxiety over what might be lurking down there, but once he has a diagnosis he’ll have more options.
NTA for asking. This made me remember that one time that I almost did an ooopsie. I whispered to my partner then "Hey honey, I gotta jet cuz I feel it coming and I don't think I can hold it in". We then laughed our asses off about it when she got home. Good times.
NTA - but coming from someone with IBS/bowel issues(other) there is probably two seperate, and probably minor issues(hopefully) - one involving the rectal muscle (ability to hold it in) and/or a version of ibs/colitis that causes minor issues with frequency. Rectal muscle is probably most likely.
while you should not require him to go and others suggestions on not living your life around his BM's is 10000000% a way to go - he should at least talk with a specialist no matter how embarassing it is (and from someone who sees GI docs frequently - it is minor in the grand scheme of things..
good luck
NTA. If he is unwilling to go to a doctor you should suggest a diet that completely eliminates dairy, flour, and gluten for at least a month or two and see how his bm goes from there.
My father ignored my mothers pleas to see doctor.
He died of undiagnosed Crohn's disease.
By the time doctors knew what ge had his intestines were in shambles and he died due to septic shock.
It is not normal for a grown man to be doing that in public and it is not normal for him to be having accidents in his pants, this is what children do op. Anything to do with your bowels is very important to the rest of your body, I hate to say this but he could have cancer or a weak sphincter, he could have celiac disease or lactose intolerance or even ibs. My point is it could be any number of treatable issues and to just not do anything is crazy, what if you go out to dinner or something and the toilets are full and he does that in front of everyone!? He is a grown man and he has no excuse I'm sorry.
NTA. This can be a symptom of prostate cancer. 90% of men eventually get prostate cancer but most of them are unaffected. (Not an exact statistic but I worked for a urologist and the % of men who get prostate cancer is ridiculously high)
That can be very concerning, the issue sounds like IBS to me but doctors that frequent bm is concerning as well. As long as full blown argument you're not the Ahole
Maybe the second poo is induced by drinking coffee? Seemed normal at first until you say he poops in alleys. This is a problem. Us guys can be real stubborn about going to the doctor or dentist, and need women like you to push us to do what is necessary. NTA
NTA. Though I’m not sure how you remain committed to a man that has no qualms about shitting in public. Your concerns are valid, and he needs to see a doctor, and probably a therapist.
I mean this is a stupid question probably but does he drink coffee in the morning? Or otherwise drink/eat something that could stimulate his bowel movements? I always need to take a shit about 2h after I have coffee.
NTA. As someone that grew up with parents that would shit themselves, this is definitely medical and not normal. And it's unfair to you to insist you just put up with his shit and the disruption that causes.
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NTA for making the suggestion but you cannot force him. My advice is to go about your own life **despite** his routine. *(I'm going to go for a walk to get myself some coffee. I am not stopping to wait for you. I am not turning around to come back home for you. This is normal for you, and that is okay. But, it isn't normal to me and I am tired of revolving my morning routine around your BMs)*
This is a nice middle ground suggestion - thank you
He should definitely see a doctor, these are not normal bowel habits. Shitting yourself or having to shit in a alley multiple times a year is absolutely not normal and it could be something serious. Who wants to live like that anyway though, I doubt he does and he may be scared something serious is going on but putting it off only makes the situation potentially unmanageable if it is something serious.
Yeahhh I was like oh okay I have two or three bowel movements a morning, spaced out, so that when it’s done it’s done, but then Ive also never come that close to shitting myself because of it. That’s a problem
I've got a similar thing too, bowel movement when I first get up out of bed and then another one at some point in the next hour. I've never shit myself either, it's def a problem.
Same here. Out of curiosity to see if there's similarities. Do you by chance skip breakfast and eat later in the day? I only eat 2 meals a day around 2-4pm and 8-10pm
Yah I have IBS and it’s annoying as fuck but I’ve never had to squat in an alley nor shat myself. Dude needs to get checked out
no fr. if i even feel the urge, i’m sprinting to the bathroom to be safe. i think the only time i’ve had an accident was from our one bathroom being used, and it was bc my lactose intolerant ass decided “panera bread mac and cheese can’t hurt me *that* bad”. i was wrong, it can hurt you that badly… NTA, OP. he should see a doctor, but as the original commenter in this thread suggested, don’t stop your own life for him. he’ll either wise up and seek help, or he’ll discover these awesome things called adult diapers/briefs (my dad uses this, wheelchair user. and it’s just as a precaution given he can’t exactly *control* it sometimes)
That mac and cheese tastes so good, and hurts so bad
my mom offered it to me, i accepted, and i told her to never offer it to me again. bc i don’t learn my lesson. usually it’s just a stomach ache, like milkshakes or other dairy products. but that mac and cheese… i can still taste it… i can still remember the walk of shame i had to take 😭
I have IBS and had a very tiny accident (like, barely any mess) a few months ago because I was sound asleep when the cramps hit and then in my rush to get to the bathroom barely awake and without my glasses on, I literally ran into the wall. Every other time I've been able to hold it but I'm pretty sure that was my body going "you know what? fuck you" after I abused it.
oh that’s how the panera had me. except the pains started and i checked to see if the bathroom was open. nope. so i sat back down. the pain went away, i was like “oh thank you lord”. then another wave hit 10mins later, i checked again, still nope. sat back down on my bed, waited. it went away. the third wave came on so suddenly, i checked again, nope. i made it to my desk chair. when i got up to check again, it was like my ass said “you’ve tested fate too much”. there was absolutely no stopping it, jesus took the wheel and he sent the biggest “fuck you” he could
If he keeps saying that it's always been this way, my bet is that he has some kind of chronic health issue and this is just the most visible symptom of it. Unfortunately, some of them are also notoriously hard to diagnose. Even if he goes to the doctor he may not get much help. I still think it's worth trying, though.
Since he has a penis, there's a VERY good chance the doctor will take him seriously.
They could take him seriously and still not know what's wrong. For example, I've been having issues with my knees since I was 16 that range from swelling up so much I can't move, to intense pain every time I bend them. They evaluated me, I did physical therapy, and the doctors politely told me I was SOL because they couldn't determine a clear cause like an injury or arthritis. I just have to be on crutches sometimes.
Do your joints bend too much? Any weird rashes or skin conditions? Significant family history of similar issues or early death? Sorry if this is too nosy, but I love a good differential diagnosis. Judging by age of onset, you’re male or had delayed puberty?
I agree it's not normal, but if this has been his life for 38 years then anything serious about it surely would have emerged by now.
Nah, I was 41 when I was diagnosed with celiac, which at the time of diagnosis also gave me 'toilet, now!' issues. Looking back, I had had it for decades prior.
I have a friend who has celiac. That's the 1st thing I thought of when I read this. Before she was diagnosed, when we would go out, she would scope out where bathrooms were so she knew where to run to. After her diagnosis, she is doing so much better.
Yeah...I got flagged as potentially having an eating disorder several times in middle school. We did weigh ins in gym class and a health screening once a year. I just laughed it off because I knew I ate and I was used to how I looked, and I ended up homeschooled after that so the scrutiny stopped. I just assumed some percentage of the population must naturally have this body type, because supermodels existed. Ten years later I started having classic symptoms and cut out gluten. Two years after that, I was a healthy weight for my height for basically the first time ever. Looking back at old photos of myself is genuinely alarming. At the time I was miffed people kept tactfully asking me if I was eating regularly. Now I'm like, holy shit how did people just let that go??
my sister was in her 30s, before she was diagnosed with IBS... so probably not, especially if he never really discussed this issue with a doc because he didnt see it as an issue.
Not really, many problems are difficult to diagnose. Since COVID three of us in my family were diagnosed with coeliac disease - two of us are in our 30s and my Mum is 60. We've had issues like this for 15-20 years each, and I was even in hospital when I was 7 but they couldn't work out what the problem was.
You might also add “I love spending time with you and I wish you could come with me right now.” In writing it might read as manipulative, but I think just genuinely emphasizing that you’re not going without him because you’re mad or punishing him, just that you’re doing what you need to do for you, and you would so love it if he would/could come.
Bowel movements right or very soon after waking is pretty common. I assume this one is before breakfast from what you say, right? The second one would then be after breakfast. That seems to point out that there is some food in his breakfast that causes a dhiarrea-like movement. Maybe you could try altering breakfast in some ways to pinpoint a culprit? For instance, milk is often responsible for this if you have developed lactose intolerance, you could try switching to unlactosed milk and see what happens.
This is great advice! My husband isn’t quite as bad as OP’s, but similar. It doesn’t keep him from doing things, but I get stories from his buddies about him squatting behind trees while golfing when there’s no bathroom in sight. 🤢 With the rise in colorectal cancer in young people, I can’t help but worry that he has something wrong with his bowels. I stock the house with kombucha, yogurt, healthy foods, we eat a balanced diet - nothing seems to help. We’ve tried prebiotics and probiotics, I made him cut energy drinks and fatty foods. I feel OP’s pain, and understand the recommendation to see a doctor! You have to stay healthy to be a present, loving spouse.
Yeah this is the best way you can go about this. Easy and right thing to do.
I was all set to say leave him alone until you said it results in him sometimes shitting in an alley or in his pants. WTF? I understand if he's embarrassed to talk to a doctor about it, but wouldn't it be a hell of a lot more embarrassing to shit himself in public? Honestly, there could be an easy fix or the doctor might say, "as long as you're going, just plan accordingly!" and then he can tell you he did his due diligence and there's nothing else to be done... though therapy might be a good choice too, as someone else mentioned, could be some psychosomatic issues going on there.
Facts me too🤣 when I read that part I was like this dude is crazy for no going who wants to shit their pants or in a alley that’s disgusting
yep. I was like, meh guess mornings will be more alone time, let him be. Shitting yourself a couple of times a year, and/or having to shit in random public places is wild. I can't get on board with that.
You don’t wanna join the public poop club?😂 OP ‘s husband is the vice president to join all you gotta do is shit your pants twice a year.
You ain’t cool unless you shit your pants or in an alleyway multiple times a year! -Billy Madison
Oh man such a good movie
>there could be an easy fix or the doctor might say, "as long as you're going, just plan accordingly!" and then he can tell you he did his due diligence and there's nothing else to be done... Exactly! We need to normalize going to the doctor if only to make sure everything is working as intended. It's better than keep wondering.
No wonder redditors love to suggest leaving. I can’t imagine having to deal with this lmao
Yeah, that's where I sided with OP. He's shitting in public multiple times A YEAR. I haven't had an emergency shit in the bushes situation since I was a little kid who stayed out playing too long. And I'm sure she's been there for these. Can you imagine going for a walk and your walking partner runs off to shit in a neighbors bushes? He'll no, that's not OK.
NTA because of this: “he does have minor accidents a couple of times per year when caught short. He will also occasionally shit in an alleyway, garden or other public space when caught short”. You can’t force him to seek help, but WTF on this alone.
Yeah... I felt the same way I, honestly, don't see how someone can be a "wonderful man" but also regularly shits himself or in the street... and apparently claims he always has...
😂😂😂😂😂
You don’t understand how someone can be a wonderful man and still have a medical issue? Since he’s been that way his whole life, it’s probably normal to him and he doesn’t realize he has a medical issue.
I don’t understand how someone can be a wonderful man and think it’s okay for other people to put up with his shit — literally. He may not be able to help having a medical condition, but continuing to shit in public multiple times a year without seeing a doctor about it is a choice.
Ngl, I don’t think I could be with someone who does that AND refuses to go see a doctor. Like, wtf— he could be arrested and put on a list. Now, if it was a diagnosable condition and he was getting a handle on it, I’d 100% be supportive and ok. But this? Nah.
SAME! What if you lived together and he shit in your neighbors bushes. Can you imagine? I have cameras. If a neighbor shit in my yard, I'd be reporting that to someone. The police might knock on your door just to be like "listen, he got caught. Tell him not to shit in the neighbors bushes or we might actually have to fine him or something." ID DIE.
Yeah I'm 31 years old and I can't remember ever having to shit in public like that as an adult or kid. Dude is fucking gross.
Totally agree, but unfortunately it seems to be surprisingly common 😬 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/world-44395861.amp Maybe somewhere near OP people are wondering who keeps shitting in their yards/local parks
I would say if absolutely nothing else, remind him that if he gets caught, in most places that's public indecency and that can and WILL ruin his life and even potentially put a massive burden on her. At the very least, if caught he could have the actual ability to argue it's a medical issue and not just I've always been like this... What if a kid passes by while all his bits are out. Absolutely terrible idea to ignore something this urgent
At the very least, he's going to get his face splashed everywhere with a title like "Poopie Bandit" or something. That's going to go viral, and you won't be able to buy groceries without people asking if you're Mrs. Poopie Bandit. I for one cannot handle the responsibility of a title.
Mrs. PP. Public Pooper. Nah I couldn't do it. Nope. Even without the risk of life altering consequences if caught, that would be too much for me. He's really only thinking about himself and not even in a good way.
And in your social circle, the story will ALWAYS be brought up of that guy you dated that shit in the alley.
NTA. It’s fucking tiresome that some men will do anything to avoid a dr appointment, even knowing it could bring you piece of mind. It’s an hour out of his day, you’re not asking him to move mountains. His refusal to recognise that it impacts you is frustrating. You shouldn’t have to plan every morning around a grown man’s bowel movements. And he absolutely should not be shitting in gardens or alleys on a yearly-or-so basis. That’s NOT NORMAL.
It’s not just men. My grandmother refused to go to the doctor no matter how sick she was. Christmas 1992, my aunt came to town and finally convinced her to make an appointment. The earliest she could get was January 4, 1993. She died January 3, 1993. I guess she really didn’t want to go to that appointment…
I laughed at this and I shouldn’t have. But relatedly, my grandmother thought she could just sit through a stroke because she was tough. By the time we found her and got her help, she was paralyzed. Was sustained in a skilled nursing facility for over 2 decades after that, complete with a feeding tube and diapers. She communicated by blinking. Laws of the country did not allow comfort/hospice care. She stared at a ceiling for 25 years while her body wasted away. Go see a fucking doctor, people. OP NTA.
Jesus. This is why euthanasia should be universally legal. I'm so sorry for her and you.
This is what my mom did too. In hindsight she likely had little mini TIA's till the bigger one hit... unfortunately the people around her enabled her to NOT go to the hospital She couldn't support herself to walk to the toilet and needed help and also sounded slurred... which probably means she had a facial droop too. It wasn't until hours later that she collapsed and they had to call an ambulance to which I was told by my mother that when the paramedics saw her they immediately said stroke and to take her to X hospital rather than the closest one because that's the one with a stroke unit.... She consequently wasn't eligible for clot busting drugs or whatever and has permanent deficits. She did go home after a lot of weeks but needed significant care... then had another major stroke... and has now spent the last 18 or so months in a nursing home basically bedbound.... Had she received prompt medical care when the stroke first occurred... then she might not be in the same position she is now. She's not that old either in her early 70's... stroke was in her late 60's.
This. My nan put off getting some symptoms checked for a year and when she was forced to go by my mum, she was beyond help.
My great grandma was the exact same way even though she had atrial fibrillation for decades. She got heparin injection and blood tests all the time but Adamantly refused actual check ins because she was a mule of a stubborn strong woman. Finally in her mid 93rd year she complained about what she thought was some emphysema and my mom took her to get xrays and stuff and it turns out she actually had stage IV lung cancer that had metastasized to her ribs. She died about a week later. Miss you Grandma. That was in 2012 Op, NTA
NTA He needs to go. But the fact that it's always at particular times could mean he has trained himself that those are the times to go. When I was little, my grandma always woke me up in the middle of the night to pee so I wouldn't wet the bed and no matter what now, I always still wake up at those times and have to go immediately. It's psychosomatic (although if I go to bed late like 1 am, I won't wake up). But this is not normal that he can't even hold it bc his body is ready. Using it as soon as he wakes up is common, most ppl do that. But the 2 hours later? Does he drink coffee? It could be that or dairy (does he had milk). IT could be that simple.
We have changed to dairy free milk without improvement. He does drink coffee - this speeds things up so that he can go twice in quicker succession (get everything done before leaving home). If he doesn't drink coffee, the timing is more unpredictable and the urgency is still there.
He needs a colonoscopy...you aren't the asshole here
His asshole is the asshole here, not to mention the dont need no docturrrs mentality.
He should probably stop drinking coffee. If he has IBS-D (which it sounds like might be likely), this can be a significant trigger food. It might be worsening or even causing the urgency issues.
NTA. A few years ago there was a news story in Brisbane, Australia about a guy who kept pooping on a footpath in a community garden. They called him the Poo Jogger because a few people had seen him do it, but couldn't identify him. Until his picture, bent over mid shit looking directly at the camera, ran as front page news. If you google Poo Jogger, or even public poop Brisbane, you will find it. Do not let your husband become Poo Jogger 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or just refuse to wait for him.
He was charged with public nuisance and tendered his resignation from his job too, it was a big deal
He worked for Brisbane council and was pretty high up in a retirement village management. His poor wife was harassed. But what a tool.
Would it really be Boogaloo? What about Poogaloo? Or Boogapoo?
Tootheloo?
Oooh, that's a good one!!
This is episode of Bluey is called, "The Poo Jogger."
He’s 38, if he hasn’t started getting a yearly check up he needs to start. It’s not uncommon for men to avoid it. He might even be feeling some fear. I think it definitely should be discussed with a doctor. NAH.
That’s what I was wondering. I started going to the doctor annually in my late 20’s. Time for this guy to grow up.
In many countries, an annual physical is not a thing.
This. In some countries, the annual check up involves vital sign measurement and blood tests. Which is sort of good enough for most. I don’t think they routinely carry out things like per rectal exam - but I have seen many USA TV shows that show this to be a ‘routine’ thing. (yes I know this might not reflect actual USA annual physical, but I am not from the USA so I don’t know)
Rectal exam doesn’t start until your mid 40s apparently. I only know this as I’ve asked my doctor so may just be the provider I go to.
It’s possible that he does have an annual physical. OP said he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, so I doubt he’d mention it to his doctor.
This is why married men live longer: taking the reasonable advice of their spouse to take care of themselves!
Not a doctor. Fecal urgency can indeed be a sign of problems but if he’s always been like that then it could be habit. AYTA for insisting? I think given what’s happening and how it affects you, no. Insisting is a bit parent/child but in context it kinda sorta fits. It’s driven by care too so not like you’re trying to piss him off. Can you make him go? Also no. Can you reach a middle ground so it’s not you at YES and him at NO? Probably. What that is I don’t know. If I was him would I go? Yes.
It is a bit parent/child, but then again, so is shitting yourself...
Always like this? If he had played morning sports on the regular then this is a developed occurence albeit long standing. I am not a doctor, but I am a recovering stage 4 colorectal cancer patient. It would not be a bad idea for him to see a doctor and get a colonoscopy. Sure. But scopes are taboo topic. They do not hurt, and if they yield a result, good or bad, it can help to understand the fecal urgency issue and resolve it. Good luck. Nta, btw.
As someone who need to shit 2 or 3 times a morning and struggles to hold it, I was prepared to call you an asshole...but I've never had to shit in an alley.
Your complete casualness of "OCCASIONALLY will go in a garden, alley, or path" just has me so boggled, or maybe more boggled he doesn't see it as something happening this often might be something you need to get looked at
And will also apparently shit himself several times a year? OP dropped that in as if that isn’t ABSURDLY CONCERNING behavior for an adult man. Her husband should not be okay with it and OP definitely should not be okay with it!
I poop pretty much every morning within an hour of having my coffee. But, it's not urgent and if I just had to hold it in, I could. The inability to hold it is the most concerning part IMO. Hope he gets checked
I used to be the exact same. I understand the dilemma. What worked for me was adding fiber to my diet. Like, lots of it including food choices. But maybe what had the biggest impact was Metamucil in the morning and at night. Tell him to try it!
Thanks, we'll give this a try
You should try make a Japanese dish called “nabe”, it’s really just a broth and you can throw in as many veggies as you like (wombok, mushrooms, tofu), served with rice it’s really delicious, healthy and an easy way to get your fibre in.
I did this too! Changed my life!
NTA. You’re allowed to tell your partner that they need to see a doctor about that. I mean, you can’t be out with someone if there’s a high likelihood they’d poop themselves. Would also be embarrassing for you. And is it really a trait you want to be married to - a husband who does wild poos.
Even if he feels he is ok he should see a Dr because it will make you feel more comfortable about the situation. That's what marriage is about I guess, not married myself. If you love someone and they are asking you to do something that is nothing more than a minor inconvenience to you, why would you not do it ? Even if it's just to help your partner feel better in your mind. Ultimately,it sounds like the guy doesn't realize or care how much of a privilege it is to be able to just schedule a DR. If he ends up with cancer or shits himself to death in a Wal-Mart somewhere, then it's his fault.
NTA If he’s publicly using the restroom, someone could be responsible for having to clean that? It’s disgusting that he’s more willing to force someone to clean his excrement than he is to just go to the doctor and find out if he has a medical issue that may have a super easy fix….. That’s absolutely horrendous, and toddler behavior at best
NAH - This sounds like a habit he has formed with its consistency and has trained his body. Did he used to get up for school/work, use the bathroom, and then as a precaution use it before he left again? Something like that can cause the body to essentially program itself to poop at those time intervals. If he wakes up and poops, and then has food/coffee/water, or something it can also trigger the body to go through the motions. At his age though it's worth it to schedule a colonoscopy for preventative care. Constant use of the bathroom like that can cause things like hemorrhoids, diverticulosis, weakening of colon, etc. The worse ones will usually show up if he's going multiple other times and is influenced highly by diet. It's also good to catch and eliminate polyps which many people get approaching 40.
Keep a food log. See if anything makes it better or worse. Kinda reminds me of when I got diagnosed with IBS, I had to completely cut certain tings out of my diet. NTA, your world shouldn’t have to revolve around his shits. He should also want to talk to someone so he stops shitting himself.
NTA. If he can't hold his poop that's a continence issue and a health issue. Yes, a lot of people have an internal poop schedule, but if he can't hold it to the point where he's pooping in public places that's a concern. But also, if he's not going to figure it out, don't let it run your life. Stop waiting for him. It might not disrupt his life but that's because you're the one accommodating the disruption.
NTA. This could be as simple as IBS to a more serious issue. Definitely should go see a doctor as this is not normal bowel movements. I had a previous relationship where they had sometime similar but refused to see a doctor. It is very difficult to have a partner who you have to consistently accommodate their bathroom breaks around everything you do. After every meal, in the middle of events, parties, work, or other responsibilities. Sometimes its a 15 min wait, sometimes it's an hour waiting for him to finish. It makes us late for things or delayed us getting home at a reasonable time or just takes the enjoyment out of events because we spent half of it waiting for him to shit... Personally I hated it. I urged him to get professional help but he pretty much shrugged it off and never went further than taking some probiotics. I'm sorry but don't hold your breath waiting for him to go see a doctor. If he doesn't see it as a problem he may never really deal with it until it develops into something severe.
I had some GI issues. It took an honest conversation with my wife telling me nicely, but directly, that's not normal, you need to get it checked. Turns out I have Celiac disease. Changed my diet and things got soooooooo much better. Sometimes you don't realize how much something was affecting you until it's corrected. NTA. He should get it checked. When you married, or have kids, it's not just about yourself, but the family.
NTA. i’m very similar to your husband bathroom patterns. I use the bathroom close to 10 times a day, and I have crohns disease
This is common for people with /r/IBD. It’s worth asking to see a gastroenterologist. If there is blood or mucus that’s more worrying but the urgency is still a problem. NTA. Source: I have /r/UlcerativeColitis and this is fairly normal for me. Nobody likes to talk to the doctor about pooping.
UC gang represent! The shitting in the alley part probably grossed most people out, but for me it elicited a lot of empathy and painful memories. When bowel movements are controlling your life, it can be very embarrassing and shameful. There are solutions, but only if one is willing to seek help.
Did you know married men live longer then unmarried men? It's because women make men go to the doctor when they wouldn't go if their not married. So medical it really does sound like he got a problem. It's something he should look into. But you can only support him and mention it, you can't forse him. What you can do is drew a line for what's acceptabel to you. >It affects time we spend together as our morning cannot begin until this routine is accomplished. His, his morning. You can fill in those mornings as you please. He can't and i would be very understanding of his "situation" if he tried to do anything about it, but if he doesn't want to see a doctor, it's his problem and it shouldn't be yours. Also, and i think most important, i would talk too him and tell me how it makes me feel. I would've been concerned about his health. If it was my husband he'll got a choise, he could go to the doctor and i will spend my morning with him, but if he wasn't i'm gonne spend that time as me time.
NTA But can you clarify on whether there has been a change? You said that his protests focus on how this is a normal part of life and he's always been this way. But you also said he had to quit an early morning exercise hobby because of this, which suggests it has gotten worse because it previously did not preclude this activity and now it does. Has it really always been this way, or is it getting worse?
I had the same exact thing as your husband… Sometimes I would have to literally sprint into work or I’d shit my pants in the car, once I did and had to turn around and go home… The biggest change for me was gluten. After 2 weeks of gluten free AND metamucil (2 tablespoons per day), it was a total game changer. He may be gluten intolerant
NTA!! What if someone sees him poop in public and gets the cops involved? Quick way to end up on the sex offender registry if you're in the US
NTA. You care.
Make an appointment for him at a gastroenterologist, let him know the time attend the appointment with him because he may be embarrassed ask for ultrasound or pet scan this problem can be more serious than he thinks or it can just be something minor to fix with a simple prescription. In the meantime I hope he has potty wipes in the car with him and sanitizer in case of this alleyway emergencies, you know there’s usually a CCTV in those things he better be careful. NTA
Why doesn't he just stay home until that 2nd BM? Sounds like he's fine after that.
Hi OP, nurse here. This is abnormal-not because it’s twice in the morning, but because he cannot hold it. I’m not a diagnosing physician but it sounds like your husband may suffer from a form of encopresis. Physical therapy could possibly help strengthen his pelvic muscles so he has better control over “the urge”. Maybe that could be broached as a middle ground instead of a full MD visit? I agree with the other commenters- live your life, don’t wait for an adult with shitty underwear to dictate it. Edited to add: obviously NTA
I was about to say that sounds pretty normal bowel activity until you said he was shitting in alleyways. Why does HE think it’s normal that ‘he has always been this way?’ This is not normal at all.
I'm not a doctor. But I do know that colon cancer is becoming more and more common among people in their 30s. A friend of mine was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at 38---the only sign was irregularities in when she had to poop. Get your husband to see a doctor ASAP
NTA to suggest he sees a doctor, but every body is different. Expecting everyone to completely evacuate their bowels in their first visit to the bathroom every morning is unrealistic.
Lactose intolerance, irritable bowel syndrome, allergies.
NTA if you convince him to go let him know how much freedom he could have if he gets this solved! His reality is like a living hell to me 🥴
NTA, as someone who works as a receptionist at a pelvic floor physiotherapist practice, we see a lot of people with both frequency and urgency bowel problems. I definitely recommend seeing your doctor and asking about local physios who specializes in the area. Let me know if you have any questions as well!
NTA "Shitting in alleyways" This is not normal in anyway. There are illicit drugs like that make people have to go poop immediately. I would really be questioning what is he doing that he's being " caught short" this is a huge red flag. Have him drug tested. It could be something he is taking thats making him do this that he's not mentioning. This could also be a medical issue he needs to have his colon looked at. He needs a colonoscopy to see whats going on. Do not let this go this could be a super serious medical issue. If you don't want to be a widow then have him take care of himself. Talk to his parents and have them talk to him. He owes that to you to take care of himself. You need to ask more questions like what is the consistency, is diarrhea, solid etc? The consistency and color tell a lot about a persons health. It could be a disease or infection. If he gets sick guess who is going to be visiting hospitals taking care of him?
Try quitting pegging first. Might help him hold it.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) am married to a wonderful man (38M). He has his quirks, most of which I really love. There is one small issue which I would love for him to work on, as I think it would make both of our lives easier. My husband needs to poop twice every morning. Once immediately after waking, once at a variable interval thereafter, usually within 2hrs. He CANNOT hold it and must go within a few minutes of the urge. He has had to quit an early morning exercise hobby because if he gets the urge to go during his workout, he has to let the team down to go to the bathroom immediately or else shit himself. It affects time we spend together as our morning cannot begin until this routine is accomplished. When we set out to go for a morning walk or do errands, we frequently have to turn back or find a restroom within 10-15mins so he can do his second shit. We've chatted about why things are this way and he states he has always been this way. He does not feel his life to be particularly disrupted, although he does have minor accidents a couple of times per year when caught short. He will also occasionally shit in an alleyway, garden or other public space when caught short, which is concerning as he could be arrested or at least humiliated if caught (not to mention it's disgusting). I've suggested numerous times that seeing a doctor/physio and working on this might make his (our) mornings less stressful, but he hasn't expressed any interest in following up on this. He otherwise has no issues with health or continence, but I'm mindful that there could be a medical explanation for why he is like this. Equally, I don't want to pathologise or stigmatise him. He is irritated at my insistence that he should get help for what he views as a normal part of his life. AITA for insisting that he seek a medical opinion even though he's adamant that he's okay with living this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have the same peew schedule, except its immediately getting up, and 30 min later. Been this way for years, my Dr said 90 percent of people would kill to have any kind of regularity. NTA, but might not be a simple solution to this shitty dilemma
I have never been regular, but if I suddenly feel I need to go, I can hold it.
NTA but maybe consider cutting gluten. Gluten is in a LOT of things you wouldn't expect too and it can be difficult to get rid of completely. But look into it and it really might just do the trick.
I used to have this issue. Going vegetarian for a while fixed it for some reason, now I eat meat again and I’m good
What is he eating?
I am very similar. I've changed my routine to later morning or afternoon activities when possible. It's kind of a pain but my husband who is constipated is very jealous. The upside is these are pretty quick occurrences, no wasting time sitting or anything.
I’m a morning pooper. Sometimes 2-3 times in the morning, and maybe 1 more time the rest of the day. 😂 My body knows I’m gonna either run or take a workout class, so that’s my “evacuation” time. Maybe he needs to wake up an hour earlier so he can get it all out before you leave?
We need an update for this. Thoughts: if it is as clockwork as you’ve described shouldn’t that make it quite predictable and easy to manage? If he has got 10-15 mins before it comes out shouldn’t that be simple; ie always be within 5-10 minutes of a toilet until 11am??? There are some send away poop tests you can do (eg Nutripath etc) where you send vials you’ve collected away in the mail and they gives you a comprehensive analysis with any red flags. Can be a good first step to take the results to the doctor and/or nutritionist so they have something to look at straight away. Can you add this to the post; What is his height and weight? Body shape? What would you rate his General diet and exercise and why?
Lmao
NTA that’s definitely not normal, and it’s having a negative effect on his life,preventing him from doing normal things, and that’s a sigh you should get it checked out.
Idk about being an asshole but as someone w a med background, this does not seem concerning to me with the info you gave. mans just gotta poop lol 3x or more in a day is considered diarrhea (and that's if its watery) and would be a concern. 2x is perfectly regular, even if it is urgent. everyone should be going to their PCP regularly though for physicals etc. He's almost at the age of colonoscopy screenings (45), so if there is a family history of GI issues, that might be something to look into. So far, though, you're not necessarily an ass. This is just a non issue based on the info you provided
If doesn't seem concerning that he has to shit in alleys and other people's gardens multiple times a year? Far be it from me to question your medical background but it's not a non issue when adults shit themselves in public places. It's a big f-ing issue. It's absolutely disgusting, vile and unacceptable. It's a health hazard and public nuisance. He could end up arrested for indecent exposure as presumably he has to expose himself to take the public shit. If a child sees him with his pants down, he could end up on a list he doesn't want to be on.
NAH, but don’t change your own schedule for this until he schedules an appointment to discuss this with his doctor. Maybe he would consider one of those home colon screening kits where you ship a little poop to a doctor. At the very least, he should be open to trying to regulate this with dietary measures (not eating after a certain time of night, adding fiber rich foods to his diet). I would quietly install a bidet toilet seat with a turbo setting, leave some Preparation H wipes in the bathroom, and maybe a package of Metamucil cookies in the pantry (out of reach of children).
On the topic of serial poppers. I can usually hold it, but I do have instances where idc to go in a public restroom to relieve the pain. But honestly, it's not that I'm going around shitt1ng myself.
I thought you were overreacting until you got to shitting in alleyways and gardens. Your body can get into a routine though - I used to start work at 5am and need to poo every day at 7am. How long does this "morning" period last? If you put your foot down and say you cannot go anywhere with him in the mornings, wouldn't that be "affecting his life"? Having to regularly watch your husband defecate in public is NOT normal (unless you're into that, I guess...)
You know.. it took my boyfriend’s dad finding out he has prostate cancer, that really pushed my boyfriend to go just get a yearly check up. Don’t wait til it’s too late.
If you manage to get him to the doctor, try to write the doc an email or give them a call before to describe the symptoms, otherwise he will probably play it down... Tell your husband that you are concerned, you feel very dismissed by him with your worries, and that its a huge turn off to have to mother and nag him about this because he can't be a fucking adult and take care of himself properly. Also, stop waiting around on him, just tell him "I'll meet you there when you are done"
NTA also maybe try adding more fiber and probiotics to his diet that helped me go more regular and with my gut issues. Also maybe a gastroenterologist or allergist if you think it’s related to a food intolerance. Doesn’t hurt to talk to a doctor and nothing wrong with a suggestion sounds like it’s inconvenient and going to the doctor to talk about these things shouldn’t be scary
NTA, my dad has been ignoring medical needs concerning his diabetes, and despite my mom telling him for years, only now has her with my sister and I finally gotten through. He’s 73 and he’s probably going to lose his entire leg
If you’re an adult and you’re having “accidents”… there is 100% an issue there. He needs to get checked out.
im sorry but i cant stop laughing. imagine looking out the window at your garden and some fully grown man is out there pants down taking a crap.
Are you my wife?
NTA. It may not be affecting him, but it is affecting you, and this is a bit abnormal. I don’t see just getting it checked out being a bad idea. You just can’t force him if he insists on no.
NTA seems like a no brainer to ask a doctor. Both of your quality of life 8s being affected.
NTA. There could be some bigger issues here. It may get worse with age. He needs to see a doctor.
As someone who has urgent poop alerts, I understand his pain. He should be able to take a daily dose of Loperamide/Imodium to settle his stomach
If it got better with a change in diet, I would go further with looking at what he likes to eat on the daily. Diarrhea is a common problem with celiac disease, maybe cut out all wheat products for a little while and see what happens. IF there's too much fat in his diet, it might not be helping.
Google said it could mean four things if this has been going on for this long, 1. Diabetes 2. Multiple sclerosis 3. Dementia 4. Weakening of a muscle that controls the opening of the anus. (I don't think we should listen to Google, but definitely make him go see a doctor. And if the doctor doesn't see anything wrong go get other opinions by other professionals. A lot of professionals can sometimes miss things that others don't.)
Yeah there's a problem. A routine for that is not abnormal, but to the point of shitting himself ? Yes.
IBS maybe?
NTA. It sounds like he has a regular routine, and if he could manage his time well, I would suggest you let him be... But clearly, he can't. It's unacceptable for an adult to risk defecating in public places or even on themselves at any time. Public defecation is illegal in many places, and it's absolutely reasonable for you to take a firm stance when it involves breaking the law.
Since he is only 38 incontinece is not typical and could indicate really bad stuff. He should go visit a doctor. But you did not force him to go, but suggested he should go. and even if, you worry about him and if that annoys him is his bad. NTA
I'm in my 60s and have shit twice a morning for as long as I can remember. I plan on it and that's the way it is. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. My wife only shits maybe 2or3 times a week, so what I don't give a shit 😃
NTA but if he's lived with this his entire life and is satisfied with the way he manages it, it's his business. Sounds like classic IBS and he probably can't be cured of it, so best to let him manage it. If it gets to a point where he feels it's unmanageable it's still on him to seek help, not on you to force him. It would be a different story if it was a recent development, as it would be indicative of something more serious.
NTA wthh.. he's a grown man . you did your part by telling him to go to the hospital, him refusing is his loss, not yours. go about your life and dont ask him again , hes capable of knowing what he wants to do.
NTA
Sounds like IBS to me. Weirdly, I have to go twice a morning (I have IBS) and cannot go all at once for some random reason. That's assuming I can go at all! I've not quite gotten to the point of shitting myself or hopping over random walls thank god, but there are levels of IBS and he sounds pretty bad! Ultimately though, there's nothing that can be done for for it and he's always had it so I don't really see the point in bothering a doctor. If it was new then definitely but not for something he's had since he was a kid. Having said that, I am also someone who rarely visits a doctor so maybe I'm not best placed to advise 🤷🏼♀️.
NTA He's 38 and still shits his pants? He should see a doctor.
No one should have minor shit in pants-accidents as an adult, what the hell? He needs to go to the doctor. Can't he hold it in? What is happening, does he have diarrhea every day?
He definitely should see a gastroenterologist. I don’t think it’s normal for his bowels to dump out like that, especially that close together. If he was only pooping once every morning that’s normal. But to immediately have to go again 10 - 15 minutes later to the point of him having accidents is cause for concern.
i seem to find my dad has issues like this, but not within 10-15 minutes after the first one, i think its just a thing that may happen as they get olde, then again not to mention but my dad is in his 50s but for as long as ive known, he has always been like this in the morning but has never been to the doctors to figure out the same reason, but my suggestion is either the age as u get older or may also be fast metabolism
Technically a healthy person can shit up to 8 times a day sooo mabey every body is different and what might not be normal for you is normal for someone else? For example every single morning I have to shower. If I was ever told it impedes in my girlfriends time when I do in the morning I'd tell her to wake up later then if she's got a problem cuz me showering shouldnt have an impact on your life and if it does find yourself a 5 minute hobby while I shower idk but not my problem if someone is upset by my routine.
NTA. Before my dad died, he became less and less able to get to the loo in time (he was in his 80's). Got to the point my mother took him to the doctor, they did tests could not find what was causing it. I went to visit one day and was having a look through his huge amount of medications only to find laxatives, not on his prescription list. He had of his own accord somehow bought several months worth of laxatives and was taking one or two a day for no know reason other than he was going insane. I'm sure OP's young partner is not insane but do double check his diet and supplements for anything that might be causing the issue. For example, when I used to go to the gym in my youth I would get through a fair bit of protein powder and various supplements, some of them occasionally would pass through me with the power of a tsunami and yeah, there was no stopping the motion. Main problem ones were protein shakes with loads of sweeter, the ones with a bit too much fibre, the ones with to much friendly bacteria. Also one of the pre-workout powder drinks was notorious for causing stomach cramps, lots of wind and surprise pooping.
Context: does he wake up and drink coffee? that can make you poop right off the bat and soon after. also its normal to poop as many meals as you eat a day. So say you have 3 meals you should poop 3 times a day. nothing wrong with getting checked out. he could be uncomfortable doing it so i wouldn't push him to do so. If his family has a history of colon cancer or colon problems then he should defiantly get a colonoscopy by 40. he can choose to be sedated or awake. the not being able to hold it sounds like it could maybe be chrones related. my mom has chrones disease and she has to go when she has to go or she will shit right then and there. luckily if it was chrones he can easily mitigate it by changing eating habits.
He should see a doctor,it sounds like he’s got something going on with his colon which can be an indication of something actually wrong. My great uncle passed in his mid 40s because he had colon cancer and some of his colon had become necrotic
I can only imagine what his eating habits consist of. That sounds like IBS or gluten issues, if not a combo. My old roommate couldn't function the first few hours of the morning cause of her shitty eating habits. Never made plans with her in the mornings and avoided all restaurants cause our apartment would have been a stink bomb until she unbacked herself. I offered to cook for her, but "my food is what her food shits on" (I'm vegan, was vegetarian at the time). At least I can eat a vegan burger and gluten free bun and know I won't shit myself getting out of bed heading to the bathroom. If any of this sounds familiar. Start swapping grocery items, if you do the shopping, with gluten free ones to get started. Process of eliminating issues before going to a doctor so they can help narrow down. Down bread physically hurt and make him gotta go in 30mins after eating? Is is meat that triggers it? Gallbladders not working/creating stones can trigger IBS symptoms. I personally experience gallbladder issues for 3 years and not one doctor took an ultrasound until the pain was so bad I went to the ER and they did emergency surgery since it was dead and causing infections. I have stomach ulcers from my gallbladder leaking over 3 years. Please, the urge to poop is one thing, the actually pooping of pants on the regular says other issues. Also with all that straining, he might have hemorrhoids, which is why he's avoiding being seen. Bleeding from one's butt is something men do not want to talk about or even let a doctor know about.
A grown adult who has "accidents" meaning they shit themself if they can't find a toilet within a few minutes, a couple of times a year, is by no stretch of the imagination, "healthy".
Nta, girl divorce him. He clearly doesn’t prioritize you at all, and values his poo time over you. /s I mean it really isn’t that big of a deal, it’s just a normal bodily function
Has he ever had an operation on his bowels? I had an operation 20 years ago that had complications from an injury, they suggested I’d likely have numerous major side effects from it, fortunately I never had any of the major ones, just one minor one, that is what can’t really tell when I need to poop, this does result in the occasional accident once or twice a year, but for the most part I shit on the clock, every morning at 9am I sit on the toilet and attempt to poop, 9 times out of 10 I poop and I’m good for 24 hours. Doesn’t really affect my life at all. His situation sounds like a more hardcore version of mine.
"AITA for insisting that he seek a medical opinion even though he's adamant that he's okay with living this way?" He's okay with occasionally shitting in an alleyway?! That's disgusting. He's no better than a toilet-training toddler. I get that many people have bowel issues that can be difficult sometimes embarrassing to live with. But he's not even trying to make his life better. NTA but you should be repulsed by how low his standards are for himself.
I used to have this issue in college. Turns out it was the early stages of ulcerative colitis. He should definitely get checked out. NTA
Is this your husband? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ7svFk6gig](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ7svFk6gig)
NTA I shit multiple times during the morning but have never shat myself because I was holding it in. That's weird... I would go to the DR because who wants to be able to shift themselves like that?
NTA. What is it about men and not being able to hold their poops in for even a moment? On the regular no less. Dear lord. It's like they're not toilet trained properly. I don't know how many men I've heard explain how holy their pooping time is. Also sitting on the toilet for like 40 minutes, why are you not just waiting until your body says go? They all claim to have IBS or whatever. I know "not all men", I'm just saying a lot of them in my experience. Your husband should see a doctor, sure, to rule things out. But I'd bet money it's a therapist that would actually help. This seems psychological.
So…he should definitely see a doctor, that’s not normal. However he is an adult so YWBTA if you continue to push him. My suggestion is to stop revolving your day around his shits. You wanna go for a walk- go for a walk, don’t stop don’t turn around. Tell him- since you refuse to get this issue looked into I am no longer going to let my life be dictated by it
NTA - this is not normal. Shitting his pants a couple times a year in average is not healthy, and the fact he has used alleys or public space because of the intensity of this urge is not good.
This sounds like IBS-D. But IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion. They need to rule everything else out. If this has been “normal” for him his whole life, then it’s less likely to be something like colon cancer. But it still could be a host of other issues. There are treatment options for IBS-D but they likely will not resolve it completely. Diet/lifestyle is a major one. Loperamide taken therapeutically is another. SSRIs can help as well. But he needs to see a doctor to go over these options! His life can get better!! Also, coffee can be a HUGE irritant/trigger food for IBS-D. It looks like he’s using it to speed up his schedule in the morning, but it may actually be exacerbating the urgency issues. Or even causing them altogether. As a lifelong sufferer of IBS-D, my life improved drastically once I quit drinking coffee. Colonoscopies are uncomfortable and even scary if he has any underlying anxiety over what might be lurking down there, but once he has a diagnosis he’ll have more options.
NTA for asking. This made me remember that one time that I almost did an ooopsie. I whispered to my partner then "Hey honey, I gotta jet cuz I feel it coming and I don't think I can hold it in". We then laughed our asses off about it when she got home. Good times.
NTA - but coming from someone with IBS/bowel issues(other) there is probably two seperate, and probably minor issues(hopefully) - one involving the rectal muscle (ability to hold it in) and/or a version of ibs/colitis that causes minor issues with frequency. Rectal muscle is probably most likely. while you should not require him to go and others suggestions on not living your life around his BM's is 10000000% a way to go - he should at least talk with a specialist no matter how embarassing it is (and from someone who sees GI docs frequently - it is minor in the grand scheme of things.. good luck
NTA. If he is unwilling to go to a doctor you should suggest a diet that completely eliminates dairy, flour, and gluten for at least a month or two and see how his bm goes from there.
Nah
My father ignored my mothers pleas to see doctor. He died of undiagnosed Crohn's disease. By the time doctors knew what ge had his intestines were in shambles and he died due to septic shock.
NTA I would suggest seeing the dr too
It is not normal for a grown man to be doing that in public and it is not normal for him to be having accidents in his pants, this is what children do op. Anything to do with your bowels is very important to the rest of your body, I hate to say this but he could have cancer or a weak sphincter, he could have celiac disease or lactose intolerance or even ibs. My point is it could be any number of treatable issues and to just not do anything is crazy, what if you go out to dinner or something and the toilets are full and he does that in front of everyone!? He is a grown man and he has no excuse I'm sorry.
NTA. This can be a symptom of prostate cancer. 90% of men eventually get prostate cancer but most of them are unaffected. (Not an exact statistic but I worked for a urologist and the % of men who get prostate cancer is ridiculously high)
NTA Why doesn’t he wait out the 2hrs at home.
That can be very concerning, the issue sounds like IBS to me but doctors that frequent bm is concerning as well. As long as full blown argument you're not the Ahole
Maybe the second poo is induced by drinking coffee? Seemed normal at first until you say he poops in alleys. This is a problem. Us guys can be real stubborn about going to the doctor or dentist, and need women like you to push us to do what is necessary. NTA
Mom?
NTA. Though I’m not sure how you remain committed to a man that has no qualms about shitting in public. Your concerns are valid, and he needs to see a doctor, and probably a therapist.
I mean this is a stupid question probably but does he drink coffee in the morning? Or otherwise drink/eat something that could stimulate his bowel movements? I always need to take a shit about 2h after I have coffee.
NTA. As someone that grew up with parents that would shit themselves, this is definitely medical and not normal. And it's unfair to you to insist you just put up with his shit and the disruption that causes.
Check for gall bladder issues
Stop putting his shituation above everything. Once he see you not stopping your life for him he gon get it together NTA
NTA. Good to get it checked out
NTA you’re looking out for him! You’re being a good wife
I'm worried for whoever was in that bathroom that long
He’s in there jacking off during one of those bathroom visits