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I think the lack of communication here is especially egregious as OP has mentioned in another comment the car was 155k and was their 'weekend car'. It's not like they've totalled a 20 year old banged up Ford; I suspect whatever they're replacing it with is going to be a significant amount of money.
YTA
Relationships are partnerships. I would involve a partner in a big purchase like that. It sounded like you weren't even going to tell her you were leaving.
It's completely ridiculous and disrespectful.
Except it wasn’t a big purchase — it was a replacement of a necessity, paid for by insurance. The only reason I can see the wife being upset was if she wanted him to buy something cheaper and use the excess for something else, which isn’t reasonable.
It was NOT a replacement of a necessity.
In a comment, OP says this is a weekend fun car, separate to their daily drivers.
OP still had a functioning car. This was buying an EXTRA car.
Payments like this don't just appear and end in thin air. Taxes are involved, balancing books is involved. These people are MARRIED. Their finances and state of affairs is shared and as such any conversation about a big purchase, even one covered by insurance needs to be discussed.
This car is also supposed to replace the "family fun" car - if it's a shared vehicle it also needs to be discussed with the family that shares it. No matter what way you swing it, OP has not communicated at all about a thing he really should have.
We don’t know what he had before / how much the payout was. Without knowing more about the financial situation, it’s hard to judge whether or not his new purchase would have been reasonable.
To me, it doesn't matter. It is a large purchase and as such, should have been discussed. It doesn't matter what the payout was, if the new car is more expensive or less expensive.
I definitely agree with that, I would be upset if my partner was acting like OP. Was more responding to the flippancy of “it’s his money and none of her business” - definitely not the attitude of anyone who has any business getting married.
YTA. Selecting and buying a new car is the kind of major expenditure couples usually do together. It's not like you ran out of deodorant and ran to the store to buy more. Or are you the kind of couple who keep finances so totally separate to the extent if something spilled and stained the sofa she could select a new sofa and have it delivered without discussing any of it with you?
YTA.
If your totaled car was $155k how much was this new car you were about to purchase? This post just shows how careless disgustingly wealthy people are. OP wasn’t going to tell his wife he was even leaving the house. Do you speak to each other? How did this never come up in conversation? “Hey hun ive been thinking about getting an X Y or Z to replace the Q that got totaled.”
YTA my wife doesn’t care what I drive, we keep our finances separate other than joint household expenses.
That said, she knows what is going on with my car search. It is just part of the daily grind and comes up in conversation.
Seems really difficult to believe you ever talk to her if she somehow had no knowledge of this.
YTA, this isn’t about the car, it’s about communication. Also it’s a major family purchase. I have my car, my wife has hers. We buy them together as a couple.
Technically it was your car and you should buy a replacement, but did you buy the first car together or was that 100% your money? I'd be shocked if my hubby bought a new car without even mentioning it, and I'd be rather mad, but we pool most of our earnings together. Car purchases affect both of you since she'll ride in it, what if it's super uncomfortable for her? I feel you're TA for not asking for her thoughts on buying a car.
YTA. I can’t imagine not even like mentioning to my supposed partner in life that I’m making probably the second most expensive purchase of my life besides a house. Like do you even talk to her at all?
YTA to the max.
> My car got totaled, and I got a new one, as anyone would.
NO, most people would not buy a second discretionary fun car without talking to their supposed life and financial partner.
How do you figure?
The decision to purchase the weekend vehicle was made in one situation.
Why wouldn’t they consider their current situation when making a current decision?
There could have been any number of changes to their financial situation or priorities since he bought the last car.
Because the money came from his car, clearly he was not at fault for the accident so why does he have to give up his weekend car for doing nothing at all? He always sell the car too, they are too many variables that we dont know but straight up for what it is, he is not an asshole
> why does he have to give up his weekend car
No one is saying that.
> they are too many variables that we dont know
Variables that he *and his wife* have to evaluate.
I’m glad you weren’t hurt in the accident, but YTA. You’re married. It’s not YOUR car; it’s a family car. Even if you both have vehicles, she’d probably need to drive it at some point. It’s a financial and personal discussion that should involve both spouses. Safety ratings, mileage, handling, size, budget etc. are all worth discussing. If you don’t know what she’s upset about, the problem is much bigger than a car. You disregarded her like she doesn’t matter.
Best case scenario is above. Worst case scenario could be buying an expensive gas-guzzling sports car with no room for child seats, making her a permanent chauffeur, assuming she has something dependable to drive. If she drives an older lemon that’s falling apart but you decided the new car is for you only, that’s another strike.
I kinda hope you’re a troll or a writer… if you’re real, I hope you take her input into consideration every single day.
Is this for real? Yes, YTA. Not because you're replacing your car, but because of your complete and total lack of communication with your own spouse! Do you literally ignore each other to the point where you don't even mention in passing that you've picked out a new car and have plans to get it later in the week?
I don't understand. My husband and I talk every day, several times a day, even though we both work full-time. Do you and your wife just not talk to each other? Do you not discuss your plans or schedules? How did you not tell her you'd bought a new car until you were leaving to pick it up? YTA
I do not know your situation - but I would discuss things like this with my wife beforehand. I suppose if you are Elon Musk, sure, just casually mention you added another vehicle to the parking garage at dinner.
Not enough info.
What is your financial sit?
Did you come out ahead or behind?
How behind?
Was your wife in line for the next car?
You may or may not be depending on this and how you handled the new car.
INFO:
how much was the totaled car?
How much of that was paid by you?
How much of that was paid by your wife?
How much was the pay out?
How much was the cost of the new car?
Maybe ask her what part upset her.
Do you guys have shared and /or separate finances? Was she hoping to have a say in the car?
I’m inclined to say NTA because I don’t really understand why she’s upset. If my partners car got totaled and they paid for it themselves and were using the pay out to buy a new one… I wouldn’t consider myself to have any input? I couldn’t imagine getting upset
YTA. Of course you were going to get a new one but it’s still a big purchase and you don’t just assume something like that. It takes 2 seconds to say “honey, I’m going to need to replace my car when the insurance check comes in.”
Unless you have a household income that would allow you to get a new car without even denting your checkbook, YTA.
Big financial decisions get discussed because the money you spent on a new car (even with a payout) may have been marked for another purpose.
YTA. Simply for not communicating with your wife. Even if you bought the car before your marriage and therefore the money from the payout is yours alone you shouldve let her know youre gonna replace it even if it is just a weekend car.
My husband asked me if I was okay with him selling his car and gettin another one even tho i had nothing to with it and was living far away at that time. Its just about communicating and respecting your partner.
YTA. Large purchases should always include your spouse. I have driven my husband’s car twice in the 2.5 years he’s owned it. He still wanted me to look at the model he wanted. And when they got one in for him, he wanted me to see that one before he made his final purchase decision.
Marriage is a partnership.
My EX frequently did things like this during our marriage of nearly 17 years. When I finally had enough and suggested we get a divorce if he wanted to continue to live as though he were single, he then moved out because HE said he couldn’t trust me because I brought up divorce. Narcissism at its finest. YATA.
YTA. You spent 155K of joint marital assets on a fun car for yourself, without consulting her. That's financial infidelity. She needs to get gone and include half that car in her share of the proceeds.
(Assuming this is even a genuine post, which is doubtful.)
If I had to guess, I'd say she might be upset because you didn't communicate or involve her at all in this process. I think YTA for not discussing things with her before heading off to the dealership.
EDIT: After reading the comments, I do think you are definitely a huge AH. If this was a weekend car, it didn't even necessarily need to be replaced which makes it even more important you talked to your wife beforehand.
YTA. It should have been a discussion. Not because you needed her permission but because it's a big purchase and it should be discussed. But if nothing else, why aren't you talking to your wife about things like that. Even if it's honey, I saw this car I'm going to get. It should have come up and just normal conversation. To me, it signals that you and your wife just aren't talking enough.
It’s pretty simple - you didn’t talk it over with your partner. As a friend of mine once said “stop operating like you’re single and start moving like a team”. You didn’t exercise mindfulness by having a conversation to discuss the plans and expectations you had or that she had and more so the money talk involved. Any financial decision on the table I choose to talk over w my partner. Not so much for permission but because I’ve got my partner to factor into my team and I truly value, respect and honor their part in that team. Something tells me this isn’t the only decision you’ve made without talking it over because you assume it’s not a big deal . Those annoyances build up for a person and more so- the lack of care, respect and consideration of your partner. Apologies to your partner for not considering them and talk about how you both want and expect to talk about financial decisions together in the future to move forward. Good luck!
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A few weeks back, I got into a car accident. I got my payout not too long after, and I was on my way to get a new one on Saturday, and my wife stopped to ask me where I was going. I told her I was picking up a new car, and she seemed to surprised. My car got totaled, they gave me a payout, and she's surprised I got a new one? What was I going to do with the money?
I went out, picked up my car, and came home. She still seemed pretty upset, so I apologized, but I don't know what she was upset about: My car got totaled, and I got a new one, as anyone would.
AITA?
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YTA
its common courtesy to let your wife know of major purchases like a car, you cannot assume that someone will know that you will buy one right away, often times people will wait to see if insurance will cover it first
YNTA! you brought a car for yourself out of your own money/pay out from your insurance! Tell your wife to shut up and get over it, And this is coming from a woman!! What did she want you to do? Go without transport?
NTA. (Unless you spent additional money beyond the payout, or you significantly changed the type of car you got.)
You had a car, you presumably both agree that you need to have a car, you got money specifically to replace the car, and you used that money to get a new car.
However, a car purchase is a big deal. It's hard to imagine a marriage where purchasing a new car doesn't at least warrant a discussion or letting your spouse know in advance. "Hey honey, the car accident money arrived, so I think I'm going to by the dealership this weekend and pick out a new one." and preferably, "would you like to come with me and help pick it out?" If nothing else, it's common courtesy to your spouse.
So you didn't do anything WRONG here, but you also clearly didn't do the obvious RIGHT thing either.
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YTA. Your wife is upset because this is a conversation you should have had with her. Communicate with the person you’re sharing your life with.
I think the lack of communication here is especially egregious as OP has mentioned in another comment the car was 155k and was their 'weekend car'. It's not like they've totalled a 20 year old banged up Ford; I suspect whatever they're replacing it with is going to be a significant amount of money.
Car got wrecked, insurance paid out to get a replacement, what conversation is to be had?
YTA Relationships are partnerships. I would involve a partner in a big purchase like that. It sounded like you weren't even going to tell her you were leaving. It's completely ridiculous and disrespectful.
Except it wasn’t a big purchase — it was a replacement of a necessity, paid for by insurance. The only reason I can see the wife being upset was if she wanted him to buy something cheaper and use the excess for something else, which isn’t reasonable.
155K is a huge purchase even if it was using insurance money.
It was NOT a replacement of a necessity. In a comment, OP says this is a weekend fun car, separate to their daily drivers. OP still had a functioning car. This was buying an EXTRA car.
Payments like this don't just appear and end in thin air. Taxes are involved, balancing books is involved. These people are MARRIED. Their finances and state of affairs is shared and as such any conversation about a big purchase, even one covered by insurance needs to be discussed. This car is also supposed to replace the "family fun" car - if it's a shared vehicle it also needs to be discussed with the family that shares it. No matter what way you swing it, OP has not communicated at all about a thing he really should have.
We don’t know what he had before / how much the payout was. Without knowing more about the financial situation, it’s hard to judge whether or not his new purchase would have been reasonable.
To me, it doesn't matter. It is a large purchase and as such, should have been discussed. It doesn't matter what the payout was, if the new car is more expensive or less expensive.
I definitely agree with that, I would be upset if my partner was acting like OP. Was more responding to the flippancy of “it’s his money and none of her business” - definitely not the attitude of anyone who has any business getting married.
Wh wouldn’t it be reasonable if it were the best choice for their family?
Why does he get to unilaterally decide it’s the best choice for the family? Because he’s a man? This wasn’t even his personal vehicle!
YTA. Selecting and buying a new car is the kind of major expenditure couples usually do together. It's not like you ran out of deodorant and ran to the store to buy more. Or are you the kind of couple who keep finances so totally separate to the extent if something spilled and stained the sofa she could select a new sofa and have it delivered without discussing any of it with you?
INFO Why do people get married if they want to make independent decisions without talking to someone else?
YTA. If your totaled car was $155k how much was this new car you were about to purchase? This post just shows how careless disgustingly wealthy people are. OP wasn’t going to tell his wife he was even leaving the house. Do you speak to each other? How did this never come up in conversation? “Hey hun ive been thinking about getting an X Y or Z to replace the Q that got totaled.”
YTA my wife doesn’t care what I drive, we keep our finances separate other than joint household expenses. That said, she knows what is going on with my car search. It is just part of the daily grind and comes up in conversation. Seems really difficult to believe you ever talk to her if she somehow had no knowledge of this.
YTA. When you’re married you don’t spend that kind of money unilaterally, whatever the circumstances.
YTA, communication is key and you lacked any sort of it.
YTA, this isn’t about the car, it’s about communication. Also it’s a major family purchase. I have my car, my wife has hers. We buy them together as a couple.
Technically it was your car and you should buy a replacement, but did you buy the first car together or was that 100% your money? I'd be shocked if my hubby bought a new car without even mentioning it, and I'd be rather mad, but we pool most of our earnings together. Car purchases affect both of you since she'll ride in it, what if it's super uncomfortable for her? I feel you're TA for not asking for her thoughts on buying a car.
YTA. I can’t imagine not even like mentioning to my supposed partner in life that I’m making probably the second most expensive purchase of my life besides a house. Like do you even talk to her at all?
Info: What is the car situation in your household? Do you each have your own mode(s) of transportation or do you share vehicle(s)?
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YTA to the max. > My car got totaled, and I got a new one, as anyone would. NO, most people would not buy a second discretionary fun car without talking to their supposed life and financial partner.
Lmao he already had one, he can do whatever he wants with that money
How do you figure? The decision to purchase the weekend vehicle was made in one situation. Why wouldn’t they consider their current situation when making a current decision? There could have been any number of changes to their financial situation or priorities since he bought the last car.
Because the money came from his car, clearly he was not at fault for the accident so why does he have to give up his weekend car for doing nothing at all? He always sell the car too, they are too many variables that we dont know but straight up for what it is, he is not an asshole
> why does he have to give up his weekend car No one is saying that. > they are too many variables that we dont know Variables that he *and his wife* have to evaluate.
Bro you gotta include that in the post, its super important
I'm leaning toward YTA because that is a larger expense that should be discussed and agreed on before purchasing.
I dont see why he's the A if it's money he got for a car he had. It's not like he's spending more than what he got for the car.
I’m glad you weren’t hurt in the accident, but YTA. You’re married. It’s not YOUR car; it’s a family car. Even if you both have vehicles, she’d probably need to drive it at some point. It’s a financial and personal discussion that should involve both spouses. Safety ratings, mileage, handling, size, budget etc. are all worth discussing. If you don’t know what she’s upset about, the problem is much bigger than a car. You disregarded her like she doesn’t matter. Best case scenario is above. Worst case scenario could be buying an expensive gas-guzzling sports car with no room for child seats, making her a permanent chauffeur, assuming she has something dependable to drive. If she drives an older lemon that’s falling apart but you decided the new car is for you only, that’s another strike. I kinda hope you’re a troll or a writer… if you’re real, I hope you take her input into consideration every single day.
Is this for real? Yes, YTA. Not because you're replacing your car, but because of your complete and total lack of communication with your own spouse! Do you literally ignore each other to the point where you don't even mention in passing that you've picked out a new car and have plans to get it later in the week?
Hi Honey, just for your info, I got a Ferrari to replace the minivan. Tell the kids to find out where the school bus stops around here!
Come on! Are you that daft? You’re married you know why she’s mad don’t be an ass
I don't understand. My husband and I talk every day, several times a day, even though we both work full-time. Do you and your wife just not talk to each other? Do you not discuss your plans or schedules? How did you not tell her you'd bought a new car until you were leaving to pick it up? YTA
YTA Where was the communication? *Why* was there no communication?
How much did the car cost? At what point does spending become a joint decision in your house? You realize millions of people buy used cars every year?
[удалено]
Oh. I sincerely hope that is a typo.
are you the guy whose brother in law ran over his 911? 🤣
What the HELL kind of "weekend car" did you buy that cost that much? And how much was the insurance payout for your totaled car?
I'm thinking the kind that is a figment of his imagination
I’m going to guess cybertruck
YTA - seems like a big purchase to make without even mentioning it to your life partner.
YTA. Communicate with your wife. That seems pretty simple. Also, did the new car cost more than the payout?
I do not know your situation - but I would discuss things like this with my wife beforehand. I suppose if you are Elon Musk, sure, just casually mention you added another vehicle to the parking garage at dinner.
It’s a major purchase, not the kind of thing you don’t discuss with your wife first. YTA.
I need more INFO. Do you guys have completely separate finances? Does this new car hurt your contribution to the joint bills if so?
YTA new car is always a joint decision. large purchase is always a joint decision. new loan is always a joint decision.
There's no new loan, though. He used the insurance payout to buy the new car. (But he's still an AH.)
Not enough info. What is your financial sit? Did you come out ahead or behind? How behind? Was your wife in line for the next car? You may or may not be depending on this and how you handled the new car.
INFO: how much was the totaled car? How much of that was paid by you? How much of that was paid by your wife? How much was the pay out? How much was the cost of the new car?
[удалено]
Maybe ask her what part upset her. Do you guys have shared and /or separate finances? Was she hoping to have a say in the car? I’m inclined to say NTA because I don’t really understand why she’s upset. If my partners car got totaled and they paid for it themselves and were using the pay out to buy a new one… I wouldn’t consider myself to have any input? I couldn’t imagine getting upset
YTA. Of course you were going to get a new one but it’s still a big purchase and you don’t just assume something like that. It takes 2 seconds to say “honey, I’m going to need to replace my car when the insurance check comes in.”
Unless you have a household income that would allow you to get a new car without even denting your checkbook, YTA. Big financial decisions get discussed because the money you spent on a new car (even with a payout) may have been marked for another purpose.
YTA. Simply for not communicating with your wife. Even if you bought the car before your marriage and therefore the money from the payout is yours alone you shouldve let her know youre gonna replace it even if it is just a weekend car. My husband asked me if I was okay with him selling his car and gettin another one even tho i had nothing to with it and was living far away at that time. Its just about communicating and respecting your partner.
YTA. Large purchases should always include your spouse. I have driven my husband’s car twice in the 2.5 years he’s owned it. He still wanted me to look at the model he wanted. And when they got one in for him, he wanted me to see that one before he made his final purchase decision. Marriage is a partnership.
My EX frequently did things like this during our marriage of nearly 17 years. When I finally had enough and suggested we get a divorce if he wanted to continue to live as though he were single, he then moved out because HE said he couldn’t trust me because I brought up divorce. Narcissism at its finest. YATA.
YTA In a relationship 2 people decide together.
YTA. You spent 155K of joint marital assets on a fun car for yourself, without consulting her. That's financial infidelity. She needs to get gone and include half that car in her share of the proceeds. (Assuming this is even a genuine post, which is doubtful.)
If I had to guess, I'd say she might be upset because you didn't communicate or involve her at all in this process. I think YTA for not discussing things with her before heading off to the dealership. EDIT: After reading the comments, I do think you are definitely a huge AH. If this was a weekend car, it didn't even necessarily need to be replaced which makes it even more important you talked to your wife beforehand.
YTA. It should have been a discussion. Not because you needed her permission but because it's a big purchase and it should be discussed. But if nothing else, why aren't you talking to your wife about things like that. Even if it's honey, I saw this car I'm going to get. It should have come up and just normal conversation. To me, it signals that you and your wife just aren't talking enough.
It’s pretty simple - you didn’t talk it over with your partner. As a friend of mine once said “stop operating like you’re single and start moving like a team”. You didn’t exercise mindfulness by having a conversation to discuss the plans and expectations you had or that she had and more so the money talk involved. Any financial decision on the table I choose to talk over w my partner. Not so much for permission but because I’ve got my partner to factor into my team and I truly value, respect and honor their part in that team. Something tells me this isn’t the only decision you’ve made without talking it over because you assume it’s not a big deal . Those annoyances build up for a person and more so- the lack of care, respect and consideration of your partner. Apologies to your partner for not considering them and talk about how you both want and expect to talk about financial decisions together in the future to move forward. Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few weeks back, I got into a car accident. I got my payout not too long after, and I was on my way to get a new one on Saturday, and my wife stopped to ask me where I was going. I told her I was picking up a new car, and she seemed to surprised. My car got totaled, they gave me a payout, and she's surprised I got a new one? What was I going to do with the money? I went out, picked up my car, and came home. She still seemed pretty upset, so I apologized, but I don't know what she was upset about: My car got totaled, and I got a new one, as anyone would. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA its common courtesy to let your wife know of major purchases like a car, you cannot assume that someone will know that you will buy one right away, often times people will wait to see if insurance will cover it first
He’s literally already got the payout, it’s the second sentence in the post
So, yall are not partners in your marriage? Ya'll don't talk at all? YTA jist based on no way my husband would do this, we talk about everything
YTA This is major weird...what else do you not tell her I wonder?
If OP was a woman, Posters would be like ""Girl, that's yo money from yo settlement check, you go buy what you want""... smh...
How did she not know you totaled your car?
She knows. But it’s a second fun car, so she had no reason to think he’d go out and spend $155k on a hobby without talking to her first.
YNTA! you brought a car for yourself out of your own money/pay out from your insurance! Tell your wife to shut up and get over it, And this is coming from a woman!! What did she want you to do? Go without transport?
He spent $155K on his fun car without even mentioning it to his spouse.
STILL HIS MONEY! My comment still stands!
she’s just sad u didn’t tell her u got in a accident and tell her everything, but men are like that don’t worry. she will get over it don’t trip
NTA. (Unless you spent additional money beyond the payout, or you significantly changed the type of car you got.) You had a car, you presumably both agree that you need to have a car, you got money specifically to replace the car, and you used that money to get a new car. However, a car purchase is a big deal. It's hard to imagine a marriage where purchasing a new car doesn't at least warrant a discussion or letting your spouse know in advance. "Hey honey, the car accident money arrived, so I think I'm going to by the dealership this weekend and pick out a new one." and preferably, "would you like to come with me and help pick it out?" If nothing else, it's common courtesy to your spouse. So you didn't do anything WRONG here, but you also clearly didn't do the obvious RIGHT thing either.
OP says: > The car that was totaled was more of my weekend car. > The car was around 155k. That’s a heck of a lot of money to spend on a toy.