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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I’m disregarding my son’s autonomy by forcing him to see his sister
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YTA. You’re forcing him to do something that is not only uncomfortable for him, but you are exposing him to someone who is showing disrespect to him and their bio-mum.
And have you spoken to his sister? It might feel like a slap in the face to be forced to bond with her own brother who has a stable life with a complete family while she is in care. Every visit is a reminder of what she doesn’t have.
If you want to keep open contact visit yourself and don’t force this on the kids. When his sister is in a better position/stage in life to have a *healthy* relationship with her brother you can facilitate it. But don’t push an unhealthy relationship that isn’t benefiting them.
Maybe in future they can have some family therapy if they are both open to it. Or mend their own relationship. But right now you can’t force them to feel good about something that makes them both feel shitty.
I don’t really have a relationship with Tracy. Her social worker is there while she and Archie spend together and either me or my husband also “supervise” but we only intervene if there’s an issue.
She is always very excited to see Archie, but it inevitable goes downhill when she realises he’s not happy to be there and when he won’t do what she wants.
I can see that forcing it isn’t doing any good. I will look into maybe making the visits every two or three months and maybe ween them off if it’s still more bearable for him. I never wanted to be the parent that ran roughshod over his feelings. I’m not like that in other aspects of his life. I think I just read too many stories of adult adoptees who wish they have more contact with bio siblings and I let my visions of the future cloud what’s happening now
Can you listen to your child and then lose the ego? Your child is telling you he doesn't want this, his dad is telling you, and your parents are telling you. Stop deciding you know best and actually hear what he is saying before you lose him for good.
>Can you listen to your child and then lose the ego? Your child is telling you he doesn't want this,
I suspect op will find the single post here supporting her and continue the visits. She isn't looking for advice but validation.
I understand wanting to help ensure they can have a relationship. But if it’s not working then you might need to see if there is a way either make it work. Otherwise it will create resentment from both sides.
Is there a reason you’re not developing a relationship with Tracey? Can you do things together or is there boundaries that mean activities need to be between the children? (I don’t know how this works). Are there things they both enjoy that they can do together at this time?
I don’t know the solution, but hopefully you can make something work for everyone.
Reading the comments, I can see where everyone’s coming from. Archie is a person, his feelings matter, we let him make decisions in every other area of his life, this shouldn’t be any different. He’s old enough to know who he wants to talk to and spend time with.
There’s no rule against playing with the kids but as far as I’m concerned I’m just there to supervise. The social worker doesn’t really get involved either.
What works for Archie will work for us. I thought what was best was seeing Tracy but I was wrong on that front, I admit.
You are a good mum for wanting what is best for Archie, including the attempt to foster a relation with his half sister. Maybe you might benefit from the help of a counsellor? Would you consider talking about the situation with a child psychologist? Archie is at an age where he might not be able to understand the reasons underlying his sister's behaviour, mainly because he lives happily with 2 caring parents. It's a lot to ask of him that he commits to such a complicated, and fragmented relationship.
I know you probably don't think of it this way in your head, but Tracy is a thing to you, not a person. She is a thing you want your son to want now in case he is sad he doesn't have it later. You haven't expressed any empathy for Tracy, her experience, what it's like being an 11 year old girl in the foster system, her needs; you haven't expressed that worry for her mental health or the fact that Archie's visits light up her day is a motivating factor for you to keep pushing for these visits (so presumably it's not); you haven't tried to develop an adult-child friendship with her to understand her even at a cursory level so that you can help her connect to Archie; you haven't tried to cultivate empathy for her with Archie so that he might himself see value in the visits; you've ignored the various suggestions you've received here that if this is so important to you that \*you\* cultivate a relationship with her so that you can connect them later if they're both interested; and every single thing you said about her was negative. She is not a person to you and that's kinda sad for her and for you and for Archie. I know you have no responsibility to her, but she's your son's sister and she's an 11 year old girl in foster care. Even at a basic human level I feel like a normal person would \*care\* about her and talk about that in this kind of post too. But your entire focus is on your opinion of what Archie should want.
YTA. Right now, what you are doing is building a resentment between them that will ensure that when they get the choice of seing each other, they won't.
Take him to see her once in a while, and make sure to turn this into a celebration. Every other week for a child that doesn't want to go is waaaaaaay too much.
That’s fair.
It’s just not very to organise sporadically because it has to be run through Tracy’s social worker. But yes maybe we can move it to once every two months or something.
YTA for forcing it every other weekend. Lessen the visits if you can work it out with her social worker. Also, why is this poor child in a foster group home that she has been in since she was eight? Why is any 8 year old in a group home, let alone left there for three years?
I will look into lessening it.
Due to the reasons her uncle lost custody, Tracy has some specific needs that few foster families are able/trained to accommodate, hence the chance of her being fostered is relatively low.
I'm guessing perhaps not, or else you'd have already done it...but is it at all possible for your family to give Tracy a home as well? I totally understand that she has her own special needs, that you've already done a lot with adopting Archie, etc. But from the sounds of it, you and your home might be Tracy's only real chance.
That would be a lovely thing to do for Tracy - and an absolutely terrible thing to do to Archie. He can’t stand the visits, imagine making him share his home.
She might, but how long would that take, and why would OP make their little boy miserable for that length of time? It could also go very badly wrong, and if Tracy had to be sent away it would only make matters worse for her.
Sure, that's possible. And I totally understand OP's first priority is to her son. I just feel badly for this poor little girl that literally no one seems to give a crap about.
YTA, seeing his half-sister in a group home has to be traumatic. I would not force this relationship unless they want it. It sounds like his half sister might have some emotional issues that you are forcing a 9 year old to be subjected to. I am sorry - this is a relationship they should pursue as adults when they are ready. If you continue to force this, your son will resent you for the rest of his life.
It’s not a group home, it’s a contact centre. But yes I see your point. I never planned on pushing it forever but yeah I see that maybe it’s not helpful.
Tracy really wants a relationship with him, but that’s not really my concern. I just have read a lot of stories of adoptees who are really resentful that their parents didn’t try harder to keep them connected with their siblings. I didn’t want Archie to think later that we’d erased her or wanted to make our lives easier by giving in to him.
But you’re very likely right. It’s not worth making him unhappy
You are basing things on stories from other ppl instead of listening to the person who is actually living it. Your son is his own person, with his own feelings. You say you’re thinking long term about them possibly wanting a relationship in the future but what you are actually doing is reinforcing negative feelings in your son that will hinder a future relationship. You can’t force a bond by forcing proximity. Every few months is fine but more than that, when one person doesn’t want it is unreasonable.
Not seeing her every other weekend is not erasing his sister, it’s respecting his wishes.
YTA
Eta: grammer
YTA. Why are you trying to force this relationship if Tracy is clearly being so nasty ? All you're doing is forcing a relationship with a Bully.
If Archie wants to pursue a relationship with Tracy in later life, let it be his choice because all your doing now is facilitating an opportunity for Tracey to take out her unresolved anger on your Son.
YTA, your son should have a choice and forcing into a very unpleasant situation is bad parenting indeed. Stop imposing your ill conceived ideas on a young child.
Have you even thought how awful this is for Tracy because she definitely knows that the visits are forced. You are not allowing neither of the children to find their own, supported way forward.
YTA. You are forcing adult situations onto a kid who clearly doesn't understand it and doesn't want it. If he doesn't want to go, then don't make him go, ESPECIALLY since that interaction results in that other party being more and more mean to him. Your 1 job is to make sure your son is taken care of. How about giving him the option or opening bringing it up for an annual visit or such?
YTA. You have great intentions but the road to hell is paved with them. Try changing it to every other month. Talk to your son and tell him if he wants to increase contact you will help him do that.
YTA. Your son is telling you very clearly how he is feeling and you are absolutely disregarding that. If he wants a relationship with Tracey he will ask when he is ready. In the meantime you need to show him that his feelings matter and that HIS boundaries are valid.
YTA listen to your husband and parents.
>but someday he may want to have a connection with his blood.
That is a decision he can make for himself when he's an adult. Right now all you're doing is rewarding Tracey for being a jerk to your son and punishing him for being adopted. Forcing him to see someone he clearly doesn't like is just going to breed resentment towards her AND you. Quit while there's still hope for a future relationship.
YTA
Not only is your son miserable, this poor girl gets to see her brother have two wonderful parents and a home.
Either adopt her yourself or limit their interactions to what is consented to by your son. She’ll likely be bitter at losing the regular visits but it sounds like miserable for your son.
Let them be penpals.
Or again you could adopt her. My heart breaks for that kid. A center isn’t any way to grow up.
INFO
So I guess I’m confused.
1. Which part of Tracy’s impulse control issues and comments, and both of their anger towards each other, makes you think this is about not wanting to give up fun to hang out with his sister?
2. Has it occurred to you that by forcing them to interact against their will, you could be retraumatizing them over and over again?
3. Have you given Archie the opportunity to tell you, truthfully, in his own words, why he doesn’t want to go?
4. Have you asked Tracy’s social worker if they think the continued visits are good for her?
1. I don’t think that’s the main reason at all. But I know there’s things he’d rather be doing on a Saturday than seeing her. Which is normal considering he doesn’t like her. I’m not minimising that there’s valid reasons he doesn’t want to go. Frankly there’s things we’d all rather be doing than going there, it’s not nice for me, my husband, or my daughter either.
2. I have considered that he’s not happy, of course I have. I feel bad about it. Clearly I let my reading and horror stories cloud my judgement here but I tried my best to do what I thought was the right thing. Clearly it wasn’t.
3. Yes, Archie has told me why he doesn’t want to go. We’re very open communicators. He seems to mostly understand where I’m coming from when we’re at home and I understand where he’s coming from.
4. No, I haven’t. I’m guessing the social worker would have stopped the visits if she didn’t think they were a good idea. Tracy is always very excited to see Archie so I guess she speak positively before or after the visits to the social worker
1. I’m on a phone so I can’t quote, but the wording of that paragraph in your original post made it sound to me like you thought a simple preference to do other things was the chief reason.
At the end of the day, you can’t force a relationship between two people. Even children. Continuing to subject them to each other could actually set them up for a worse relationship in the future, rather than ensuring they build a good one.
YTA. He's being tormented by his sister. What's the lesson you are teaching him here? It's okay to be bullied and your parents won't protect you if it's family?
Protect your son! Stop these visits. If you want to see his half sister, go visit, but leave him behind.
Listen to absolutely everyone else in this situation and let it go. Do not force him to do something he doesn’t want, and is damaging him, or he will end up hating you.
YTA
The way you described this it sounds like the visits were more for Tracy’s benefit and are now actively harming Archie.
It’s unpleasant, he doesn’t want to be there and his parent (you) is forcing him into this for the vague fear he may regret it in the future and maybe some compassion for Tracy.
Your responsibility is Archie and he’s made it very clear how he feels. It’s important for him to know that you will look out for his best interests and agency so please, stop forcing this.
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My son Archie (9) is my biological nephew. My brother passed away shortly after he was born, and his mother lost custody of him when he was 2. My husband and I formally adopted him when he was 4, the same year we got married. Archie has a half sister, Tracy (11), his mum’s daughter, but not my brother’s. Tracy used to live with an uncle, but for the past three years has lived in a group foster home. Every other weekend, we drive Archie to a family contact centre to see her.
For the past year, Archie has started to dislike these visits. He is always making excuses not to go, like faking being sick, begging to go to a friend’s house for a play date instead, every week it’s something. It’s a fight to get him in the car. I understand why he doesn’t want to go. At his age, most kids wouldn’t be hanging out with their sister, they don’t have much in common. Tracy has some impulse control issues, and can also be quite bossy, demanding affection from Archie and she is very jealous. She also tells him things about his birth mother that he would rather not know (things she heard from her uncle). Archie also getting to an age where he wants more independence, and seeing Tracy is a whole day activity as the contact centre isn’t close to home.
He’s been asking more and more to discontinue the visits and my husband thinks we should allow it. He is getting increasingly rude to Tracy when he does see her because it’s all forced, and Tracy is getting increasingly mean to him because she’s understandably feeling rejected. My husband feels there’s no merit in forcing contact because it’s just going to make them resent each other. My parents agree.
I get it, I do. But I can’t help but feel that Archie might blame us one day for him losing contact with Tracy. He’s young, and it may not feel like it now but someday he may want to have a connection with his blood. It may never happen, he may get older and never speak to her again, or he may regret not having that bridge. I just feel that a couple of hours of discomfort every other Saturday might save him years of feeling lost later. But I could be very wrong. I’m not a tyrannical parent. Seeing him unhappy makes me feel like shit because it’s hard to see a reason for it at this moment in time. I’m pushing it because it feels like the right thing to do long term but the short term loss is really weighing on me and I’m wondering if my husband is right. I also know that even if I wanted to - which I don’t - I can’t force this forever. He can’t be a teenager with me making him do these visits, so it’s only a matter of time anyway.
It’s just breaking my heart to be a mother who is forcing her child to see someone he doesn’t want to, because I never wanted to be that kind of parent, but this feels like special circumstances. Aita?
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YTA. He doesn’t want contact. If he changes his mind as an adult that’s up to him, but you’re making him miserable now. At the very least try cutting these visits down to one per month and see how he feels after that. ‘Blood’ doesn’t mean anything much if the person isn’t someone you want in your life, and while it sounds like Tracy has issues that she didn’t cause, your son does not want her in his life.
Info: If you wanted Archie to have a bond with his sister so badly why didn't you offer to foster her by now?
Right now she while obviously wants to see her only family member she is also envious that he has the normal stable life she doesn't get to have and is going to be petty and a bit mean because she's a child and is lashing out. Maybe it would've been better if she also had a stable home life and able to form a better bond with her brother if they were on equal footing.
No judgment, I think you came here for reassurance that ending the visits is ok.
Could phone calls be arranged? Might be a quick, distant way of keeping in touch.
If I have read this correctly Tracy isn't his "bio" sister - which to me would be same mum and dad... She's his half-sister.
Even if she was his actual rather than half sister I would still say YTA for forcing the lad to do this every other weekend.
Oh, I completely agree on that! I just get annoyed when people act like half siblings aren't proper siblings- I have a half brother who is just as much my brother as my full brothers.
OP, whatever else, you're NTA.
You've stepped into look after a kid who isn't yours, and you're also trying to help another kid who isn't yours.
You are amazing - and I bet your heart absolutely shatters when you see a little girl being left while you, your husband and your son go back to a loving home full of kindness and support.
Whatever happens, you're not an AH for trying to serve your son's best interests, even if they aren't his preferences - but, you know, 8 year olds...
Talk to the social worker, see what they think about the situation.
If, in the end, the visits stop, please write to Tracy, keep letting her know that you're thinking of her, and that she's loved.
YTA but not for the reasons everyone else is claiming. Why is she in a group home? Her anger and behavioral issues may stem from the fact that her brother got adopted and she's left out. Why didn't you take them both?
Her issues are likely a result of what went on in her uncle’s home.
Tracy is not related to me. I was never asked to take custody of her, and her uncle wanted custody. As of now we don’t have the capacity to care for her as a family.
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YTA. You’re forcing him to do something that is not only uncomfortable for him, but you are exposing him to someone who is showing disrespect to him and their bio-mum. And have you spoken to his sister? It might feel like a slap in the face to be forced to bond with her own brother who has a stable life with a complete family while she is in care. Every visit is a reminder of what she doesn’t have. If you want to keep open contact visit yourself and don’t force this on the kids. When his sister is in a better position/stage in life to have a *healthy* relationship with her brother you can facilitate it. But don’t push an unhealthy relationship that isn’t benefiting them. Maybe in future they can have some family therapy if they are both open to it. Or mend their own relationship. But right now you can’t force them to feel good about something that makes them both feel shitty.
I don’t really have a relationship with Tracy. Her social worker is there while she and Archie spend together and either me or my husband also “supervise” but we only intervene if there’s an issue. She is always very excited to see Archie, but it inevitable goes downhill when she realises he’s not happy to be there and when he won’t do what she wants. I can see that forcing it isn’t doing any good. I will look into maybe making the visits every two or three months and maybe ween them off if it’s still more bearable for him. I never wanted to be the parent that ran roughshod over his feelings. I’m not like that in other aspects of his life. I think I just read too many stories of adult adoptees who wish they have more contact with bio siblings and I let my visions of the future cloud what’s happening now
Can you listen to your child and then lose the ego? Your child is telling you he doesn't want this, his dad is telling you, and your parents are telling you. Stop deciding you know best and actually hear what he is saying before you lose him for good.
>Can you listen to your child and then lose the ego? Your child is telling you he doesn't want this, I suspect op will find the single post here supporting her and continue the visits. She isn't looking for advice but validation.
I understand wanting to help ensure they can have a relationship. But if it’s not working then you might need to see if there is a way either make it work. Otherwise it will create resentment from both sides. Is there a reason you’re not developing a relationship with Tracey? Can you do things together or is there boundaries that mean activities need to be between the children? (I don’t know how this works). Are there things they both enjoy that they can do together at this time? I don’t know the solution, but hopefully you can make something work for everyone.
Reading the comments, I can see where everyone’s coming from. Archie is a person, his feelings matter, we let him make decisions in every other area of his life, this shouldn’t be any different. He’s old enough to know who he wants to talk to and spend time with. There’s no rule against playing with the kids but as far as I’m concerned I’m just there to supervise. The social worker doesn’t really get involved either. What works for Archie will work for us. I thought what was best was seeing Tracy but I was wrong on that front, I admit.
You are a good mum for wanting what is best for Archie, including the attempt to foster a relation with his half sister. Maybe you might benefit from the help of a counsellor? Would you consider talking about the situation with a child psychologist? Archie is at an age where he might not be able to understand the reasons underlying his sister's behaviour, mainly because he lives happily with 2 caring parents. It's a lot to ask of him that he commits to such a complicated, and fragmented relationship.
I know you probably don't think of it this way in your head, but Tracy is a thing to you, not a person. She is a thing you want your son to want now in case he is sad he doesn't have it later. You haven't expressed any empathy for Tracy, her experience, what it's like being an 11 year old girl in the foster system, her needs; you haven't expressed that worry for her mental health or the fact that Archie's visits light up her day is a motivating factor for you to keep pushing for these visits (so presumably it's not); you haven't tried to develop an adult-child friendship with her to understand her even at a cursory level so that you can help her connect to Archie; you haven't tried to cultivate empathy for her with Archie so that he might himself see value in the visits; you've ignored the various suggestions you've received here that if this is so important to you that \*you\* cultivate a relationship with her so that you can connect them later if they're both interested; and every single thing you said about her was negative. She is not a person to you and that's kinda sad for her and for you and for Archie. I know you have no responsibility to her, but she's your son's sister and she's an 11 year old girl in foster care. Even at a basic human level I feel like a normal person would \*care\* about her and talk about that in this kind of post too. But your entire focus is on your opinion of what Archie should want.
YTA. Right now, what you are doing is building a resentment between them that will ensure that when they get the choice of seing each other, they won't. Take him to see her once in a while, and make sure to turn this into a celebration. Every other week for a child that doesn't want to go is waaaaaaay too much.
That’s fair. It’s just not very to organise sporadically because it has to be run through Tracy’s social worker. But yes maybe we can move it to once every two months or something.
Every two months sounds good. Every other weekend is too much when he doesn’t want to be there.
YTA for forcing it every other weekend. Lessen the visits if you can work it out with her social worker. Also, why is this poor child in a foster group home that she has been in since she was eight? Why is any 8 year old in a group home, let alone left there for three years?
I will look into lessening it. Due to the reasons her uncle lost custody, Tracy has some specific needs that few foster families are able/trained to accommodate, hence the chance of her being fostered is relatively low.
I'm guessing perhaps not, or else you'd have already done it...but is it at all possible for your family to give Tracy a home as well? I totally understand that she has her own special needs, that you've already done a lot with adopting Archie, etc. But from the sounds of it, you and your home might be Tracy's only real chance.
That would be a lovely thing to do for Tracy - and an absolutely terrible thing to do to Archie. He can’t stand the visits, imagine making him share his home.
Maybe, or maybe not. I like to think that Tracy might start to act differently with some stability in her life.
She might, but how long would that take, and why would OP make their little boy miserable for that length of time? It could also go very badly wrong, and if Tracy had to be sent away it would only make matters worse for her.
Sure, that's possible. And I totally understand OP's first priority is to her son. I just feel badly for this poor little girl that literally no one seems to give a crap about.
YTA, seeing his half-sister in a group home has to be traumatic. I would not force this relationship unless they want it. It sounds like his half sister might have some emotional issues that you are forcing a 9 year old to be subjected to. I am sorry - this is a relationship they should pursue as adults when they are ready. If you continue to force this, your son will resent you for the rest of his life.
It’s not a group home, it’s a contact centre. But yes I see your point. I never planned on pushing it forever but yeah I see that maybe it’s not helpful. Tracy really wants a relationship with him, but that’s not really my concern. I just have read a lot of stories of adoptees who are really resentful that their parents didn’t try harder to keep them connected with their siblings. I didn’t want Archie to think later that we’d erased her or wanted to make our lives easier by giving in to him. But you’re very likely right. It’s not worth making him unhappy
You are basing things on stories from other ppl instead of listening to the person who is actually living it. Your son is his own person, with his own feelings. You say you’re thinking long term about them possibly wanting a relationship in the future but what you are actually doing is reinforcing negative feelings in your son that will hinder a future relationship. You can’t force a bond by forcing proximity. Every few months is fine but more than that, when one person doesn’t want it is unreasonable. Not seeing her every other weekend is not erasing his sister, it’s respecting his wishes. YTA Eta: grammer
YTA. Why are you trying to force this relationship if Tracy is clearly being so nasty ? All you're doing is forcing a relationship with a Bully. If Archie wants to pursue a relationship with Tracy in later life, let it be his choice because all your doing now is facilitating an opportunity for Tracey to take out her unresolved anger on your Son.
YTA, your son should have a choice and forcing into a very unpleasant situation is bad parenting indeed. Stop imposing your ill conceived ideas on a young child. Have you even thought how awful this is for Tracy because she definitely knows that the visits are forced. You are not allowing neither of the children to find their own, supported way forward.
YTA. You are forcing adult situations onto a kid who clearly doesn't understand it and doesn't want it. If he doesn't want to go, then don't make him go, ESPECIALLY since that interaction results in that other party being more and more mean to him. Your 1 job is to make sure your son is taken care of. How about giving him the option or opening bringing it up for an annual visit or such?
YTA. You have great intentions but the road to hell is paved with them. Try changing it to every other month. Talk to your son and tell him if he wants to increase contact you will help him do that.
Listen to your child. He’s being clear. Your loyalty is supposed to be to him, and it doesn’t seem that way.
YTA. Jfc listen to him. Quit putting him in situations he doesn’t feel safe in. All you’re teaching him is that his feelings don’t matter.
YTA. Your son is telling you very clearly how he is feeling and you are absolutely disregarding that. If he wants a relationship with Tracey he will ask when he is ready. In the meantime you need to show him that his feelings matter and that HIS boundaries are valid.
YTA listen to your husband and parents. >but someday he may want to have a connection with his blood. That is a decision he can make for himself when he's an adult. Right now all you're doing is rewarding Tracey for being a jerk to your son and punishing him for being adopted. Forcing him to see someone he clearly doesn't like is just going to breed resentment towards her AND you. Quit while there's still hope for a future relationship.
YTA Not only is your son miserable, this poor girl gets to see her brother have two wonderful parents and a home. Either adopt her yourself or limit their interactions to what is consented to by your son. She’ll likely be bitter at losing the regular visits but it sounds like miserable for your son. Let them be penpals. Or again you could adopt her. My heart breaks for that kid. A center isn’t any way to grow up.
You are definitely the asshole, you are traumatizing the poor boy.
YTA. My hubs was forced to do something just like this as a child. No he is NO CONTACT with his parents and said family in the group home.
INFO So I guess I’m confused. 1. Which part of Tracy’s impulse control issues and comments, and both of their anger towards each other, makes you think this is about not wanting to give up fun to hang out with his sister? 2. Has it occurred to you that by forcing them to interact against their will, you could be retraumatizing them over and over again? 3. Have you given Archie the opportunity to tell you, truthfully, in his own words, why he doesn’t want to go? 4. Have you asked Tracy’s social worker if they think the continued visits are good for her?
1. I don’t think that’s the main reason at all. But I know there’s things he’d rather be doing on a Saturday than seeing her. Which is normal considering he doesn’t like her. I’m not minimising that there’s valid reasons he doesn’t want to go. Frankly there’s things we’d all rather be doing than going there, it’s not nice for me, my husband, or my daughter either. 2. I have considered that he’s not happy, of course I have. I feel bad about it. Clearly I let my reading and horror stories cloud my judgement here but I tried my best to do what I thought was the right thing. Clearly it wasn’t. 3. Yes, Archie has told me why he doesn’t want to go. We’re very open communicators. He seems to mostly understand where I’m coming from when we’re at home and I understand where he’s coming from. 4. No, I haven’t. I’m guessing the social worker would have stopped the visits if she didn’t think they were a good idea. Tracy is always very excited to see Archie so I guess she speak positively before or after the visits to the social worker
1. I’m on a phone so I can’t quote, but the wording of that paragraph in your original post made it sound to me like you thought a simple preference to do other things was the chief reason. At the end of the day, you can’t force a relationship between two people. Even children. Continuing to subject them to each other could actually set them up for a worse relationship in the future, rather than ensuring they build a good one.
So you have given Archie the chance to tell you why he didn't want to go & then you still made him anyway...
Yta stop pushing.
YTA. He's being tormented by his sister. What's the lesson you are teaching him here? It's okay to be bullied and your parents won't protect you if it's family? Protect your son! Stop these visits. If you want to see his half sister, go visit, but leave him behind.
Listen to absolutely everyone else in this situation and let it go. Do not force him to do something he doesn’t want, and is damaging him, or he will end up hating you.
YTA Stop! You feel like shit for a reason. Stop bullying him before he grows to hate you. YTA
YTA The way you described this it sounds like the visits were more for Tracy’s benefit and are now actively harming Archie. It’s unpleasant, he doesn’t want to be there and his parent (you) is forcing him into this for the vague fear he may regret it in the future and maybe some compassion for Tracy. Your responsibility is Archie and he’s made it very clear how he feels. It’s important for him to know that you will look out for his best interests and agency so please, stop forcing this.
Lol. Multiple people, including your child, told you to end the visitation and you still had to come to Reddit? Oof. Do better Also, YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son Archie (9) is my biological nephew. My brother passed away shortly after he was born, and his mother lost custody of him when he was 2. My husband and I formally adopted him when he was 4, the same year we got married. Archie has a half sister, Tracy (11), his mum’s daughter, but not my brother’s. Tracy used to live with an uncle, but for the past three years has lived in a group foster home. Every other weekend, we drive Archie to a family contact centre to see her. For the past year, Archie has started to dislike these visits. He is always making excuses not to go, like faking being sick, begging to go to a friend’s house for a play date instead, every week it’s something. It’s a fight to get him in the car. I understand why he doesn’t want to go. At his age, most kids wouldn’t be hanging out with their sister, they don’t have much in common. Tracy has some impulse control issues, and can also be quite bossy, demanding affection from Archie and she is very jealous. She also tells him things about his birth mother that he would rather not know (things she heard from her uncle). Archie also getting to an age where he wants more independence, and seeing Tracy is a whole day activity as the contact centre isn’t close to home. He’s been asking more and more to discontinue the visits and my husband thinks we should allow it. He is getting increasingly rude to Tracy when he does see her because it’s all forced, and Tracy is getting increasingly mean to him because she’s understandably feeling rejected. My husband feels there’s no merit in forcing contact because it’s just going to make them resent each other. My parents agree. I get it, I do. But I can’t help but feel that Archie might blame us one day for him losing contact with Tracy. He’s young, and it may not feel like it now but someday he may want to have a connection with his blood. It may never happen, he may get older and never speak to her again, or he may regret not having that bridge. I just feel that a couple of hours of discomfort every other Saturday might save him years of feeling lost later. But I could be very wrong. I’m not a tyrannical parent. Seeing him unhappy makes me feel like shit because it’s hard to see a reason for it at this moment in time. I’m pushing it because it feels like the right thing to do long term but the short term loss is really weighing on me and I’m wondering if my husband is right. I also know that even if I wanted to - which I don’t - I can’t force this forever. He can’t be a teenager with me making him do these visits, so it’s only a matter of time anyway. It’s just breaking my heart to be a mother who is forcing her child to see someone he doesn’t want to, because I never wanted to be that kind of parent, but this feels like special circumstances. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta It sounds a nightmare for the boy. Forcing him to go is just nasty
YTA…….forcing a relationship always ends badly
YTA. He doesn’t want contact. If he changes his mind as an adult that’s up to him, but you’re making him miserable now. At the very least try cutting these visits down to one per month and see how he feels after that. ‘Blood’ doesn’t mean anything much if the person isn’t someone you want in your life, and while it sounds like Tracy has issues that she didn’t cause, your son does not want her in his life.
Info: If you wanted Archie to have a bond with his sister so badly why didn't you offer to foster her by now? Right now she while obviously wants to see her only family member she is also envious that he has the normal stable life she doesn't get to have and is going to be petty and a bit mean because she's a child and is lashing out. Maybe it would've been better if she also had a stable home life and able to form a better bond with her brother if they were on equal footing.
No judgment, I think you came here for reassurance that ending the visits is ok. Could phone calls be arranged? Might be a quick, distant way of keeping in touch.
If I have read this correctly Tracy isn't his "bio" sister - which to me would be same mum and dad... She's his half-sister. Even if she was his actual rather than half sister I would still say YTA for forcing the lad to do this every other weekend.
....a half sibling is still a biological and actual sibling, they share one biological parent.
Apologies, I stand corrected, but I still think OP is the AH for making her son see someone that he doesn't want to see...
Oh, I completely agree on that! I just get annoyed when people act like half siblings aren't proper siblings- I have a half brother who is just as much my brother as my full brothers.
OP, whatever else, you're NTA. You've stepped into look after a kid who isn't yours, and you're also trying to help another kid who isn't yours. You are amazing - and I bet your heart absolutely shatters when you see a little girl being left while you, your husband and your son go back to a loving home full of kindness and support. Whatever happens, you're not an AH for trying to serve your son's best interests, even if they aren't his preferences - but, you know, 8 year olds... Talk to the social worker, see what they think about the situation. If, in the end, the visits stop, please write to Tracy, keep letting her know that you're thinking of her, and that she's loved.
YTA but not for the reasons everyone else is claiming. Why is she in a group home? Her anger and behavioral issues may stem from the fact that her brother got adopted and she's left out. Why didn't you take them both?
Her issues are likely a result of what went on in her uncle’s home. Tracy is not related to me. I was never asked to take custody of her, and her uncle wanted custody. As of now we don’t have the capacity to care for her as a family.