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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I will not agree to a photo of my stepmother's late husband and child being displayed at my wedding. This is causing stress and arguments and has created a divide. It is a relatively small ask and something I could do at no extra cost so it's possible I'm being really unfair about the whole thing.
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NTA that’s crazy that they’re dismissing your late mother and trying to trivialise the loss & her place in your life by throwing random people into the mix. Especially crazy that you’re now being bullied into it “to restore family harmony” - how about they back off out of your business at YOUR WEDDING to “restore harmony”?
All I can say is that I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, it’s actually unhinged, and I’m glad you have your siblings standing up for you.
I'm glad I have them. They get me just like I get them. We always try to have each other's backs because for us it's important to be there for each other.
I’m glad you have that support and I hope your fiancé offers you support as well. Congratulations on your wedding and make sure you celebrate your mother and your day how you wish!
I'd bet money on them bringing pictures and trying to add these strangers to your mother's display. Assign someone to keep an eye out to remove them. NTA
Tell them that the death of your mother left a hole that no one can fill. While you appreciate their presence in your life, you will not erase your mother’s memory for them or anyone else, so your mother will be displayed and no one else.
Yeah. They’ll make a giant photo of THEIR dad and put it in front of his mother. Imagine the hubris making someone else’s wedding about you and your loss.
Right?
Honoring the deceased relatives of the couple getting married is normal.
Having a tribute wall for every dead person someone in the family loved (but the couple getting married *never even met* ) is just morbid.
Here's your go-to response: "Dad, Stepmom, did ***you*** have a pic of *my* mom at your wedding?"
Of course they didn't.
So, that's your question/comment/only response every time this comes up.
Don't try to justify your position or reason with people who have shown they are unwilling to consider your POV. Instead, just turn the argument around on them. For every attack on you, respond - not with an answer - but with a counterattack that shows their hypocrisy.
That’s brill Did Dad and Step mother have pics of their deceased spouses at their wedding. I doubt it. I’m gobsmacked that these ppl want a pic of their father husband at your wedding when you never met them have no relationship to them.
I'm glad you have support. Also remember that you are doing this for your siblings, by setting the precedent they should have an easier fight when they marry or do something.
I assume you've had pets? Time to put photos of Fluffy, Sir Barksalot, and Ginny the guinea pig between the photo of your mom and the randos-to-you.
Or tell each wedding guest to bring a framed photo of a departed loved one for a special table you'll have there for the occasion. When your stepmother squawks, tell her that when people are there, they're family.
NTA.
Tell your step mom, at her biological kids wedding you will display a portrait of your late mother.
NTA, sorry for your loss OP, honor your mom, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Technically, “all parts of the family both here and not here” would not include their dad and their sibling since they were never a part of the family your dad married into forming the new family unit. I mean if their dad were still there there they wouldn’t be part of your family. As for their sibling, they never did enter a relationship with your father as a stepfather…
But that’s all technicalities. So, how about they “keep family harmony” by shutting the (redacted) up about YOUR wedding and YOUR new family unit.
Good on your sibs for sticking with you and shame on your father for caring only for his peace and not for your feelings on your special day.
Oh, if they choose “not” for the whole family schtick, keep an eye on them as you may expect drama during the wedding.
NTA
I mean everybody should get you with one functioning brain cell... how can they compare the loss of your mom to those random people who you are only connected through marriage and didn't even know.
NTA for sure but your stepmom has some serious issues.
If you really want to try to compromise, you can make a small sign or mention in a speech that you would like to take a moment to remember all those loved ones who couldn’t be there to celebrate. That being said. NTA and you don’t really need to do anything you don’t want to. Just make a space for Mom and enjoy your day the way you want to.
"Unhinged" is the best word to describe this situation. It seems like your stepmother has main character syndrome and has to make the reception about **her** in some way.
Stand your ground, honor your mother, and focus on having a beautiful wedding day.
My mom was widowed when her two kids (my older brother and sister) were 8 and 5. She remarried and had my younger sister and me. My dad loved my siblings but never sought to replace their dad. My mom remained close with her late husband’s family and they welcomed my dad with open arms. It’s funny because I grew up with 3 extended families: mom’s, dad’s and my siblings’ dad’s.
It sounds like a perfect blended family, like something out of a sitcom but it wasn’t that at all. It was hard fucking work. But it worked because nobody had any illusions that this man, my siblings’ father, never existed. I asked my dad one time how it was that he was so cool about my mom’s late husband and he said that, basically, he owed the life he had to the man. Of course, he can’t know what his life might have been if he hadn’t married my mom, but he loved his life and he was grateful for his family. And, as weird as it sounds, it was because of his wife’s late husband. So how he could he not honor and respect him?
I guess that having that family background makes me really sensitive to AITAs like this and makes me want to slap some sense into OP’s step family!
I always think there's something deeply wrong with any person who tries to compete with a corpse. WTF are they even trying to achieve? You automatically "win" over a dead person because they're dead! They can't compete! Trying to prove you're better than someone who can't fight back is pathetically insecure.
Kudos to your dad for having self-confidence
The thing about being jealous of dead people is that it can be a legitimate reaction to a difficult situation, but in that case you really better not marry the widow/er at all.
There are people whose response to losing a partner is to canonize that partner -- they were perfect, never set a foot wrong in any way, and nobody can ever live up to the standards they set. Even *attempting* to earn recognition or affection of any sort gets the response "How can you be so insensitive to the dead?"
Children actively resist you because you're "not their real parent," even though you never tried to be their real parent; only a responsible adult who cares about them and wants to try and keep order in the house. The surviving spouse compares you constantly to their deceased first partner... inevitably to your detriment, because they were perfect and you aren't. Every time you do anything either spouse or child doesn't like, you get coldly informed that FirstSpouse wouldn't have done that; that FirstSpouse *never* did anything to make them unhappy in any way. Every time you ask them to do anything differently, even if it's to put their dirty clothes in the hamper rather than all over the floor, you get accused of "trying to erase FirstSpouse," whose ways are still followed in all things.
That's a particular form of toxicity that one can only avoid by staying away from such households. Just as you can usually not truly lose to a ghost, there are times when you can never win over one.
Ugh pls. tell your dad he's awful because he made a rando person on the internet tear up at 7:00 AM on a Saturday. Just kidding about him being awful if that isn't clear lol. Not kidding about the tears though, because that's such a precious answer! 😭
NTA - That is weird as hell. That's their family not yours. If they want their family displayed at a wedding, guess what? They can do it at their own wedding\[s\]. Also how would it be weird to have a photo of your mom but not people who you never knew/never raised you/not related to? Their logic has no logic.
The step mom is jealous of a dead woman and making it OPs problem. Stepsibs just want their mom to be happy which I can respect but also makes it pretty easy to dismiss their opinions. Stepmom is the problem here.
Bingo, well done, you nailed it. It's all about control and Daddy Dearest is absolutely fine with that at his children's expense. This is a family with some severe internal problems.
Agreed. If OP *wanted* to display photos of dead people whom he never knew and who were not related to him in any way, that would be weird enough. Trying to coerce him into doing it is deranged.
NTA. Not their wedding, not their choice. They're free to do this at *their* wedding.
>They said it should be all three photos or none at all.
However, you should realize that if you don't uninvite them, they'll bring their own pictures and set them up (or take yours down). You then get to choose between letting them have their way or having a fight at your wedding.
I agree. If the stepmother and her children come anywhere near the wedding, they will replace your pictures with their pictures. Or destroy your picture. Need to watch out for speeches too, none of them get microphone time. Also password protect with every vendor or I bet the wedding program and anything else will be altered.
Came here to say the same thing about them adding their own picture(s). I think it’s time to disinvite SM and step-siblings. Give the father the choice of attending alone or supporting his wife’s foolishness and staying home.
Sorry you’ve been put in this position, OP. And I’m sorry that both you and your fiancé lost your mothers. But congratulations on your upcoming wedding and best wishes for your married life!
NTA
Clearly, the answer is to display pictures of every human who has ever died. We're either a species or we're not.
NTA. Your stepfamily are being ridiculous.
Yeah-- I agree. Stepmom and -siblings think that it's a "dead family members' table" when it's literally about the parents who have passed. It's such a strange misinterpretation. They suck.
Actually this is great - if OP doesn't want to go nuclear and uninvite the whole bunch, then she should open the table to any guest who wants to add a photo of a dead relative.
(actually, I'd just threaten to do this, then have a friend oversee the table and toss SM's photos)
I was thinking that if the invitations haven't been printed they could add a line requesting people bring photos of their dearly departed.
Then OP can say there were 6,000 people at their wedding! /s
(OP NTA - you didn't know those people, those pictures don't belong there. If the step mom's husband was alive, does she think he would be attending your wedding?)
I was about to write that the only answer is to go antiquing and find dozens of photos of people in period clothing to display, because you know them just as much as you know SM's family lol
You’re not seeing the parallels! The bride and groom’s mothers would have loved to be at the wedding, just like the groom’s father’s second wife’s husband would have loved to be at the wedding of his wife’s husband’s son who he had never met before!
> They feel her late husband/their late dad and their late child/sibling should also get photos displayed
And they can totally do that. At their own weddings.
> Both of them had passed before my dad met his wife.
You never met them, you're not related to them, they were complete strangers to you. It's completely unreasonable for your steps to expect you to display their photos.
> I was then told I need to do this to restore family harmony
Why are YOU responsible for restoring the harmony they destroyed with their ridiculous request and subsequent tantrums?
> she feels like it's a dig at her because I also don't call her my mom and I'm not close to her.
I don't know how old you were when she married your father. But if you were a child, she is probably to blame for you two not having a good relationship. She was the adult, it was her job and your father's to ensure a smooth blending of the family. Given what you wrote here, I might guess that she tried to force herself on you as the "new mommy", which backfired (because it usually does).
NTA.
Put the photographs of the two deceased mothers on the back of the program with a little devotion about them. The programs are out. Can't display the strangers because program is already printed.
Yessssssss and the program is also a keepsake so it can be kinda petty and be a memory forever that they didn’t give in to their step families insane demands.
I don’t think it’s even petty, it’s just a good solution to the problem some people have brought up that ”the steps” might try to add or remove framed photos on the day of. (But for some reason I also think you’re correct that step-mom wouldn't appreciate it!)
This is how I would personally do it. Then the program could be kept as a memento, too. It would both prevent the problem and he a really sweet gesture to honor the mothers.
NTA. It's bizarre as hell that your stepmom thinks her dead husband should have any meaning to your wedding at all, let alone be on the same level as your actual mother who you knew and loved. This isn't about her, as much as she obviously wants to make it so.
Respectfully, your stepmother and stepsiblings are out of their minds. It makes no sense on any level to put up a picture of a total unrelated stranger alongside your mothers. NTA at all.
NTS
You have no biological or emotional tie to your stepmom's deceased husband. If you kept the dummy photo in the frame(assuming newly bought), you would have asuch connections. Her weird hangups have no place here.
INFO are these photos you want to display, just photos of each mom alone? Like one head shot of your fiancé’s mom and one head shot of your mom? If so I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out in what universe your stepmother thinks the rest of her family should be displayed.
Either way NTA because your wedding is not about family harmony. It’s about you and your fiance starting your life together.
NTA. "Restoring harmony". Ha! Ranks right up there with "do it to keep the peace ", "be the better person", "but it's tradition" and "do it for the family".
It's just bullying. Tell the people trying to force this issue that the subject is closed and if they don't like it, they don't have to attend. Plus, have someone on the lookout for when they sneak those photos in.
NTA - Tell them for "family harmony" they can either let you do as you wish at your wedding or they can stay home. Any attempt to bring in other photos of people whom you've never met against your will and they will be kicked out and the photos will be thrown out...wtf is wrong with some people...
NTA - before joining this sub I had no clue the number of grown ass adults who feel the need to compete with the memory of a dead parent to the point of getting extremely butt hurt that things aren't more "equal".
Not just OP's mom. I want pics displayed of EVERY family member he's got that has passed. Is that an old tin type of great great great grandpa? Yes! Toss it up there! A third cousin twice removed that died 30 years before he was born? STRAIGHT TO THE TABLE!
"This is a picture of my great great aunt's ex-boyfriends 5th cousin!! His name is Reginald, no... it was Ronald.... Roger? Oh I don't remember but hE's FaMiLy!!!!!"
NTA. You don't need to spend your wedding explaining to her family and yours that the pictures are of your stepmother's previous husband and her late child you never met.
Your family will know who your mom is and your fiancée's family will learn who your mom is if they haven't already seen pictures.
This will only take away from the focus on you and your bride and shift attention to your stepmother.
I will never understand how some people try to make demands of a wedding that isn't theirs. I'd just tell them point blank, this isn't a mandatory attendance event and you don't have to come to it. What even sense does it make to include a photo of their late dad and sibling? People you never met and have zero relation to you? 100% NTA, my dude. Good on your siblings for sticking right beside you too.
NTA. YOU NEVER MET THESE PEOPLE LOL. Why would you have a picture of them at YOUR wedding. Also, why isn’t your father telling them to back off? Some men have no balls to tell their wives they are out of line.
NTA
Your choice to display photos of your mother at your wedding has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your stepmother. You're not required to display photos of people you've never met to prove you accept your stepmother and her children. They all need to grow up and stop being threatened by your deceased mother.
It's actually wild to me that they would compare the loss of your mother to the loss of strangers who were never part of your life, and are not blood relatives, by asking you not to display photos of your own mom unless they get to put up their pics too.
NTA
Why in the world would you honor people you never met and are not in any way related to at your wedding? In what universe are your father's wife deceased husband and child part of your family? You and your fiance want to honor the women who birthed each of you but are no longer with you. I'm not sure why they don't get that connection.
So are the step siblings going to display a picture of your mother at THEIR weddings? Hmmm? Because you know, and they know, that would be weird. Just like trying to force their deceased father and sibling’s pictures on you is weird. NTA.
NTA. Memorial photos at a wedding are supposed to honor family members of the bride and groom. There is NO family connection between you and your stepmother's deceased husband and child. If one of her children had died AFTER she married your father, it might be a nice gesture to have a photo - but even then, it would be YOUR choice to do so. Stepmom needs to stay in her lane.
NTA stepmom is insecure and dad is feeding into it. Let him but tell.hik it won't be at your wedding. You do not need to keep the peace or restore the family. The family was never broke. step mom just feel so secure over a deceased women.
NTA. My goodness, anyone with half a brain would understand why it should be you and your fiancé moms. They are part of who you are. Her first husband and deceased child has nothing to do with you. Her children can display their dad and sibling at their wedding. Period.
Tell Lady Tremaine that she does not get to dictate your wedding nor demand that her first husband and deceased child be honored at YOUR wedding. That you will be doing so for Your mother (who birthed you) and fiancé mom. Any more of the discussion by any of them and they will no longer be invited to the wedding. And talk to your dad and tell him to rein him in. That this behavior will not be tolerated or accepted. And if he supports his wife’s behavior or is on the same band wagon, then he might also not be included to the wedding nor any children you may have.
Get a back bone and shine it up.
NTA people pick the worst things to make drama about!! Geez! They need to get over it and when they have their own weddings they can display whatever pics they want. It’s not your job to entertain their insecurities and whims or keep the peace.
Tbh I’d just say you’re going private with all the details of the wedding and thanks for the input but you’ll plan the remainder of it, and you’ll look forward to seeing them there on your big day!
NTA
She is NOT your mother. You are only related by marriage and have no connection to the kids.
I would hold this and if they start threatening not to come to the wedding, tell them you will miss them and share photos later. She is trying to make your wedding day a day about her.
NTA. They should shut their yaps or not come at all. Their demands are \*entirely\* unreasonable. You would be TA to yourself if you gave in to this silliness.
“I did not know your late father or sibling, they will not be included at my wedding because they are strangers to me. You did not know my mother and I would not expect her to be included at your wedding, because you never met her/she is a stranger to you. Strangers, however wonderful they might have been, have no place being memorialized at people’s weddings.”
NTA
NTA.
Can you uninvite the steps, or is that a bridge too far for you?
If it's a bridge too far, then my advice is to practice no as a complete sentence. Stop providing explanations, because they are clearly hearing, "Problem in need of solution," and attempting to provide a solution, then getting frustrated/ hurt when you're not receptive to their solution. They don't realize there's no problem here (other than the one they're manufacturing).
The thing is, the picture of your mom is there because your mom cannot be. My sister did a similar thing at her wedding for our late mother (she had a locket with mom's wedding picture tied to the bouquet, then later pinned to her gown).
My dad's new wife (we don't call her stepmom because he married her after all kids left the family home, so had no hand in the raising of us) had 2 husbands prior to my dad -- an ex (divorce) and a late (widow). Dad's wife has said and done many, *many* out of pocket and inappropriate, eyebrow- raising things about my dad loving another woman before he met her since the day they got together, but even this woman didn't say anything about the picture or try to have her former husband's represented. I never thought I'd say this, but I think your stepmom is more wacko than mine.
If your mom was alive, she would be at the wedding and, presumably, stepmom would not be.
If this was some weird parallel universe where all deceased parties were alive, with marriages ended by divorce instead of death, then stepmom would not be inviting her previous spouse.
Just because he is her beloved deceased does not make him your beloved deceased, and does not make this ask appropriate.
NTA.
You never even met these people, let alone were close to them. They're not immediate family of origin who you've known, lost and wish could be there (normally a parent, Grandparent or sibling), which as far as I know is usually the criteria for inclusion in that ritual. They're being ridiculous, and frankly a bit loopy if they intend to include your Mom themselves. She's not their relative, and they never even met her. How could she possibly be someone they're going to deeply miss on their wedding days?
NTA
You are not doing an in memorial for every dead person in the family. You and your wife are recognizing the mutual loss of your mothers. Tell them to stay home if they don't like it. You'll be happier.
According to a comment made by OP, they were both dead before his dad met stepmother. So no one present at the wedding except for stepmother and her children would know who the pictures were of.
NTA. This is where you dis-invite your stepmother and her kids entirely. You are not inviting total strangers to your wedding, so you do not need to display pictures of total strangers at your wedding. This is your wedding, not theirs. They can display pictures of their family at their weddings.
That is so effing bizarre. Ask them to explain to you how the man your father's wife was married to before your father married her and the child they had (two people you've never even met) are in any way your "immediate family".
Screw your stepmom's and stepsibling's bizarro feelings and your father's people pleasing at your expense.
This is your wedding. Have a photo of your mom. Tell anyone who complains that if they don't want to see it then they don't have to come. And one more word from them on this means that their invitation is rescinded.
And if they do come and say one word about it at the wedding and you hear about it, you'll have them escorted out.
Put up your boundaries and hold them firm. This is not groomzilla behavior. It's perfectly normal. What they want is weird as shit.
NTA
No is a full sentence.
When you open the door for discussion it can sound like you are giving room to negotiate, if you are talking to people who dont care about your no, or your boundaries. Or just selfinvolved people who find your boundaries to be, occasionally, inconvenient.
No. In this case, should have been a full sentence.
NTA
Whenever they want you to hold up all of the family harmony alone, just let it strengthen your resolve to take a step back from this particular part of your family, as they are not above being manipulative and dismissive of your feelings.
NTA that’s insane. Like literally, insane. And so unbelievably disrespectful. I’m so sorry that your step family is trying to make your wedding and your mother’s passing about them.
I know this is gonna sound messed up but in some ways I was relieved that my step dad passed before I got married. My daddy died when I was young and I just knew my mom would have tried to make it a thing to have my step dad walk me down the aisle rather than my brother, which is what I wanted. I mean, I would have stood my ground but it would have been a painful argument.
Your SM and step siblings sound unhinged. It’s your wedding and you get to decide what pictures will be displayed. Wtf would you display your SM’s late husband and child? It makes more sense when one of her children gets married, they could honor them. Your SM and her kids are AHs. Your dad’s a sorry sack of $hit for catering to her rude and entitled behaviors.
This is simple. It’s not your step mother’s wedding. If she wanted to display her deceased husband at her wedding to your father she should have had at it. Is she mentally unwell? It’s your wedding. It has never been your responsibility to look after the emotional and mental health of your parent, it’s actually the other way around. No means no and it’s your wedding.
I think the stepmom suffers from main character syndrome.
I'm guessing none of her actual kids have gotten married yet and therefore this is the first wedding (other than her own) where she thinks she's something special.
If it was me and your dad and stepmom were both going to be sitting at the head table, I'd have dad sitting next to an empty chair with a GIANT photo of mom on it. Stepmom would be at regular guest table.
Stepmother is a guest at the wedding. What she wants or doesn't want should not be your concern, OP.
Just imagine your other guests' reactions:
A: So the woman int hat photo is the groom's late mum, right?
B: Yeah, that's right.
A: And who are the guy and the child next to her?
B: I have absolutely no idea.
C: That's the groom's father's second wife's late first husband and child.
They will be laughing at it (and her) till the next year.
NTA. Your stepmother's late husband & child had NOTHING to do with you being made or raised. Your mother and your fiancee's mother are the only ones that pictures should be displayed. You didn't know her late husband or child. They had no part in you being created or raised.
What tomfoolery is this? This is a tradition to include your mothers. Not every dead person anyone attending knew. NTA and your step family are nitwits.
Remind the stepmother and stepkids that when **they** get married they can put up all the pictures of **their** relatives they want.
This ceremony is for you and your fiance and people who are important to you. You never knew stepmother's other husband or child.
People really have lost the plot and don't know how to not be the main character always. Also tell your dad to grow a spine.
Nta, and congrats on your upcoming wedding.
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My fiancée (28f) and I (29m) are getting married in a couple of months. We both lost our moms. While my fiancée was raised by her grandparents, I was raised by dad and later my stepmother, his second wife. So while my fiancée has no drama about wanting to display a photo of her late mom. There is some about me displaying my mom. My siblings get why I want to do it. But my stepmother and stepsiblings do not. They feel her late husband/their late dad and their late child/sibling should also get photos displayed since they are also immediate family. But they're not my family, immediate or otherwise. Both of them had passed before my dad met his wife.
My stepmother feels insecure that I don't just want to have photos of late family but of just my mom, she feels like it's a dig at her because I also don't call her my mom and I'm not close to her. My dad just wants his wife and stepkids happy. Stepkids feel like I should embrace "all parts of the family but here and not here" and they said if they did the photo thing, they'd include my mom with their dad.
I made my stance clear and my answer was no. Which only brought more of the "we're either a family or we're not". My siblings stayed by my side and one of them was like well we're not an actual family so it's whatever, which only added fuel to the fire. I was then told I need to do this to restore family harmony and I should want to do this for my family. I told them I don't want to do this for them and I won't. They said it should be all three photos or none at all.
AITA?
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NTA. Why on earth would you display photos of people who neither you nor your fiancée have met at your wedding? A photo of your mom is not remotely comparable.
NTA these are people you never met and are not related to. It is very sad she lost her first husband and child but, frankly, insane of her to expect you to display their photos at your wedding.
NTA. Theirs is a weird take on why you are displaying a photo of your mom. Again, it’s your mom!!! Just do what you and your fiancée want to do and don’t let the other people decide for you. Have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. They’re being ridiculous. Was there a photo of your mom at your dads and stepmoms wedding? Or at your step sibling graduation or whatever major event they had? So why would you put a picture of her late husband/their dad at your wedding?
If your mom were still alive, she would be there at your wedding. If stepmom's husband were still alive, neither he nor stepmom would be at your wedding.
This is weird. NTA
That's weird as hell, and utterly nonsensical. Those people are NOT your family and are nothing to you. You never even met them, much less loved them. NTA
Have a plan in case they arrive with disputed photos. Its a shame you have to have a photo police at your wedding, but given the aggressiveness that this issue has created I'm sure some alpha family member will be instructed to place disputed photos on the table. I would have a polite burly individual stationed there who would simply tell them no photos other than what is already on display.
NTA. Your stepmother's dead husband and child have nothing to do with you. They want to create drama and see how important they are to you. Honestly at this point it's best the uninvite them.
NTA
Now, you could get super petty. You could say, 'sure, we will display all 3 photos', then have 2 displays that they only see at the reception.
The first, of your two mothers, with their names and indicating your honor of them.
The second display should he of the step-moms husband with a subtitle stating this man, whom neither of you have known, was 's first husband and is being included at step-mom's direction.
Make sure the display is not in a place of honor/forefront and that it's much smaller.
You're giving them exactly what they want and letting everyone know the reason why this stranger's photo is at your wedding. You're also, technically, not being disrespectful. Photo is there, and you've labeled it as at the direction of step-mom, or step-mom and step-kids. They may try to make a scene but that will just make them look worse.
NTA - Your step-family is crazy! When your step-mom’s kids get married they can honor their late family members. But it is absolutely ridiculous to expect you to have pictures at YOUR wedding of people who were complete STRANGERS to you. The entitlement of those people is insane! Unless you’re dependent on them to fund the wedding, I would tell them that there will be pictures of your mother only and if they can’t accept that then they do not need to attend the wedding. You have your siblings and that’s all you need. The rest of them are just attention seekers that want to cause drama for no reason.
NTA. I would tell them two things, it's your wedding, not theirs so unless they're paying for it, they get no say as this wedding is not about them. It's their choice if they think this means you're not family. I would tell them if they continue to push for the photos, they're not invited, especially if they think it means they're not family. If they're not family, they're not friends, either. If they do decide to come and they put up the photos, take the photos down and have them escorted from the wedding.
NTA I'd tell your stepmother and step siblings siblings, that their late family, is not your family. You never met them, or knew them. You get that these people mean a lot to them, but, that doesn't make them anything, to you.
If they wanted to honor them ay their weddings, that they could, but your wedding was not the place.
Is it your wedding or theirs?
Why do they think they get a say?
This is what annoys me about weddings. It's fine having an opinion but at the end of the day, the only people who realistically get to decide on anything are the people getting married. Exceptions for me are when parents or whoever are paying for everything and want to bring a small number of their close friends/family... In which case, I think that's a fair trade off.
They're essentially asking questions they don't want answers to. "Do you not accept me as family?" ... "No, not really".. *shocked Pikachu face* like... Seriously... Why on earth would you put up pictures for a guy you didn't know? This is not about them.
I'd get to the point where if they keep going on about it and they're that unhappy, just tell them not to bother coming. Your siblings will be there and they sound like no stress. Your father's priority is clearly his new wife and family's feelings, not yours so in the grand scheme of things... Do you really want him there? He sounds a bit miserable to be around just from the post alone... It would almost be a stress relief if they didn't attend as long as your siblings could still come.
NTA. It's *your* wedding. Your stepmother and stepsiblings can display photos of their dead loved ones at their own weddings.
If anyone started putting up a display that I hadn't asked for at my wedding, they would have been asked to leave immediately.
NTA. this is a freaking ridiculous ask by them. Their family is not your family. She, her kids, and dad can all kick rocks. Say "No, and if I hear another word about it, you are all uninvited." Watch, they'll show up with their own photos of their family at your wedding.
So to be clear your step family want you to put pictures up at your wedding of people you never knew?? People are just weird. NTA OP just say no and tell them not to be so ridiculous.
NTA. Just uninvite stepmom and step siblings. If dad keeps pushing uninvite him too. It’s seriously bizarre that he would support having his current wife’s late husband’s & their child’s photo at his own son’s wedding.
NTA - It’s not Dios de los Muertos, it’s a wedding.
Having a picture of the person who brought you into this world as a nice tribute is lovely. It shows honor for her memory.
Your stepmom and step-siblings are alive and you want to share your joy of meeting your life partner and getting married with them. They are guests to celebrate your union. A picture of their dad is not needed because your marriage isn’t celebrating them, they are celebrating you.
If you all want to do a big celebration of the dead on November 1st do it. Or if you’re getting married on November 1st, set up a bookcase and encourage ALL guests to bring a framed picture to celebrate Dia de los Muertos and everyone can place a picture and leave a note of remembrance. Otherwise, if it’s just a normal day, then their dad doesn’t get a place.
I would start by talking to your dad alone:
1. The point is to honor the late mother's of the bride and groom.
2. You never met step-mom's late family.
3. The day is about celebrating the bride and groom
4. Your father needs to nip this in the bud, speak to his wife and step-children and inform them that you made your decision, they need to respect it and they can make decisions regarding their big days and how they choose to honor fallen members.
5. Your sibling was right, they are not actually family.
I don't know why anyone would think that you would honor someone you never met(fiancé is honoring his mom, that's different). Even if she was your step-mom for most of your life you have no obligation to honor her late husband or child.
WTF did I just read. They literally want you to honour someone you are not related to and that you never met at your wedding. NTA, but those people are whack jobs.
NTA. Your step siblings and stepmother are absolutely bonkers if they think that you should display photographs of 2 people you have never even met just because you are having photos of your mothers there. WTF?
This is YOUR (you & husband) wedding therefore ONLY pictures of YOUR dead mothers will be out. Most people do this for parents who have passed; not the whole family because that is a lot and tends to bring up arguements about past generations. NTA.
You may consider your stepmother family but her lost husband and child certainly were not. And if this breaks family harmony you all didn't have it to begin with. There should be two photos and they need to keep their traps shut when it comes to planning YOUR wedding.
NTA. You never met your stepmother's late husband or her late child, heck your dad never even met them. You had no relationship with them and even if they had been alive, you still wouldn't have a relationship with your stepmother's first husband. Tell your dad, your stepmother and her children that if they want to have pictures of their deceased father and sibling on display at their weddings, they are more than welcome to do that. However, this is ***your*** wedding and it should be about remembering ***your*** loved one who's no longer with you. Not remembering some random people you never met and have no relation to. I'd ask all the people causing a problem if they'll put a picture of your mother on display at their weddings despite never having met her or being related to her because I bet you anything they'd say "No" because "she wasn't family"
NTA
Why would you have pictures of a dead guy you never met and has no influence on your life at your wedding? That’s just pure delulu on your step family’s part.
NTA. The other deceased people from Stepmom's side were not related to you and you didn't even know them. It is creepy that she is even suggesting that. She can display those pictures at her kids' weddings, not at yours.
Do not let Stepmom walk down the aisle alone or with a groomsman as "mother of the groom" or as part of the bridal party.
NTA. This isn't about them. This is about you. You and your wife's family losses. Those others aren't your family. While they are part of some of your family's family, they aren't part of yours. They are being a bit ridiculous. If one of your step-siblings gets married, it would be reasonable that they have a picture of their Dad but not your Mom. It doesn't make you all less family to choose this.
NTA
What does your stepmoms first husband have to do with you? Ya, absolutely nothing!
They are being so ridiculous and incredibly emotionally manipulating.
Stand your ground! Tell them they are welcome to not attend your wedding.
NTA- they can drop it and come and be supportive of your day. Or not come and let this be the hill they die on. Your dad needs to respect your feelings. Their family has nothing to do with you. They wi have the opportunity to do things as they wish on their days. Emotional ultimatums are never good
That's a weird request. I'm assuming you never even met these people? I feel like you stepmom is just insecure as the second wife and is afraid she's second best to a person who has passed away. Also, your wedding your rules. If she doesn't like it she isn't being forced to attend.
Maybe your stepmom should back down from this silly request to "restore family harmony"
NTA
NTA.
OP, these people have absolutely no say in your wedding and they need to be treated like guests. They do need to know any info ahead of time nor are you obligated to include them in anything. You are an adult now and don't need to be a door mat or people pleaser. If your dad can't see it your way, he's never going to and eventually it will come to that no matter what you do. At the end of the day all these people want is attention and you are under no obligation to give it to them.
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NTA that’s crazy that they’re dismissing your late mother and trying to trivialise the loss & her place in your life by throwing random people into the mix. Especially crazy that you’re now being bullied into it “to restore family harmony” - how about they back off out of your business at YOUR WEDDING to “restore harmony”? All I can say is that I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, it’s actually unhinged, and I’m glad you have your siblings standing up for you.
I'm glad I have them. They get me just like I get them. We always try to have each other's backs because for us it's important to be there for each other.
I’m glad you have that support and I hope your fiancé offers you support as well. Congratulations on your wedding and make sure you celebrate your mother and your day how you wish!
Ask your step siblings will they put a photo of your mom (and other relatives who passed on) on a table at their wedding?
They said they will but 1)they won’t and 2) it doesn’t matter because this is OPs wedding
I know
I could see them following through on it in the future purely out of spite, but I doubt they would have if the argument hadn’t been had to begin with.
I'd bet money on them bringing pictures and trying to add these strangers to your mother's display. Assign someone to keep an eye out to remove them. NTA
This. They're going to try and "fix" OP's decision.
Sorry but why in the world would you do that? That just seems weird.
Tell them that the death of your mother left a hole that no one can fill. While you appreciate their presence in your life, you will not erase your mother’s memory for them or anyone else, so your mother will be displayed and no one else.
Personally, I wouldn’t trust any of them to not do something to ruin your day. I would tell them all they are not invited to your wedding.
Yeah. They’ll make a giant photo of THEIR dad and put it in front of his mother. Imagine the hubris making someone else’s wedding about you and your loss.
At the very least have security. My in-laws are ish and I wish I would have had security.
"Stepmother, why are you making my wedding about YOU?"
Right? Honoring the deceased relatives of the couple getting married is normal. Having a tribute wall for every dead person someone in the family loved (but the couple getting married *never even met* ) is just morbid.
Here's your go-to response: "Dad, Stepmom, did ***you*** have a pic of *my* mom at your wedding?" Of course they didn't. So, that's your question/comment/only response every time this comes up. Don't try to justify your position or reason with people who have shown they are unwilling to consider your POV. Instead, just turn the argument around on them. For every attack on you, respond - not with an answer - but with a counterattack that shows their hypocrisy.
That’s brill Did Dad and Step mother have pics of their deceased spouses at their wedding. I doubt it. I’m gobsmacked that these ppl want a pic of their father husband at your wedding when you never met them have no relationship to them.
OP, you should ask them to make sure the steps don't mess with your mother's photo at the wedding or put up their own.
NA these people wouldn't have been invited if they were alive. Your wedding= your guest list
One of them might have been a Stepsibling OP grew Up with, so that's Not entirely true, but the Point is they AREN'T anyone OP has ever met.
How often do you and your siblings need to have each other's back against step family trying to dictate your life and priorities?
What are weird for them to die on. You might as well put a picture of everybody’s dead parents or relatives at your wedding based on their logic. NTA
I'm glad you have support. Also remember that you are doing this for your siblings, by setting the precedent they should have an easier fight when they marry or do something.
I assume you've had pets? Time to put photos of Fluffy, Sir Barksalot, and Ginny the guinea pig between the photo of your mom and the randos-to-you. Or tell each wedding guest to bring a framed photo of a departed loved one for a special table you'll have there for the occasion. When your stepmother squawks, tell her that when people are there, they're family. NTA.
They need a special seance table to conjure up spirits of dead relatives...
Tell your step mom, at her biological kids wedding you will display a portrait of your late mother. NTA, sorry for your loss OP, honor your mom, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Politely decline and let the venue know you’re not wanting any picture additions to your decor. NTA
Technically, “all parts of the family both here and not here” would not include their dad and their sibling since they were never a part of the family your dad married into forming the new family unit. I mean if their dad were still there there they wouldn’t be part of your family. As for their sibling, they never did enter a relationship with your father as a stepfather… But that’s all technicalities. So, how about they “keep family harmony” by shutting the (redacted) up about YOUR wedding and YOUR new family unit. Good on your sibs for sticking with you and shame on your father for caring only for his peace and not for your feelings on your special day. Oh, if they choose “not” for the whole family schtick, keep an eye on them as you may expect drama during the wedding. NTA
Did you and your siblings ever meet their father and sibling? NTA
I mean everybody should get you with one functioning brain cell... how can they compare the loss of your mom to those random people who you are only connected through marriage and didn't even know. NTA for sure but your stepmom has some serious issues.
If you really want to try to compromise, you can make a small sign or mention in a speech that you would like to take a moment to remember all those loved ones who couldn’t be there to celebrate. That being said. NTA and you don’t really need to do anything you don’t want to. Just make a space for Mom and enjoy your day the way you want to.
Did your step-mom out a photo of her late husband out at her wedding to your father?
... It is your wedding, not their memorial service. For the sake of the relationship there is probably a kinder way to tell them that.
"Unhinged" is the best word to describe this situation. It seems like your stepmother has main character syndrome and has to make the reception about **her** in some way. Stand your ground, honor your mother, and focus on having a beautiful wedding day.
People need to stop marrying people who want to make their dead spouses disappear. Especially if there are kids in the mix.
My mom was widowed when her two kids (my older brother and sister) were 8 and 5. She remarried and had my younger sister and me. My dad loved my siblings but never sought to replace their dad. My mom remained close with her late husband’s family and they welcomed my dad with open arms. It’s funny because I grew up with 3 extended families: mom’s, dad’s and my siblings’ dad’s. It sounds like a perfect blended family, like something out of a sitcom but it wasn’t that at all. It was hard fucking work. But it worked because nobody had any illusions that this man, my siblings’ father, never existed. I asked my dad one time how it was that he was so cool about my mom’s late husband and he said that, basically, he owed the life he had to the man. Of course, he can’t know what his life might have been if he hadn’t married my mom, but he loved his life and he was grateful for his family. And, as weird as it sounds, it was because of his wife’s late husband. So how he could he not honor and respect him? I guess that having that family background makes me really sensitive to AITAs like this and makes me want to slap some sense into OP’s step family!
I always think there's something deeply wrong with any person who tries to compete with a corpse. WTF are they even trying to achieve? You automatically "win" over a dead person because they're dead! They can't compete! Trying to prove you're better than someone who can't fight back is pathetically insecure. Kudos to your dad for having self-confidence
Exactly! I've never understood people who are jealous of *dead people*
The thing about being jealous of dead people is that it can be a legitimate reaction to a difficult situation, but in that case you really better not marry the widow/er at all. There are people whose response to losing a partner is to canonize that partner -- they were perfect, never set a foot wrong in any way, and nobody can ever live up to the standards they set. Even *attempting* to earn recognition or affection of any sort gets the response "How can you be so insensitive to the dead?" Children actively resist you because you're "not their real parent," even though you never tried to be their real parent; only a responsible adult who cares about them and wants to try and keep order in the house. The surviving spouse compares you constantly to their deceased first partner... inevitably to your detriment, because they were perfect and you aren't. Every time you do anything either spouse or child doesn't like, you get coldly informed that FirstSpouse wouldn't have done that; that FirstSpouse *never* did anything to make them unhappy in any way. Every time you ask them to do anything differently, even if it's to put their dirty clothes in the hamper rather than all over the floor, you get accused of "trying to erase FirstSpouse," whose ways are still followed in all things. That's a particular form of toxicity that one can only avoid by staying away from such households. Just as you can usually not truly lose to a ghost, there are times when you can never win over one.
Ooooooh your story just makes me wanna hug someone tight. Anyone. Just to put more goodness in the world.
Just wanted to say your dad's response is wonderful. I'm happy your family made it work!
Ugh pls. tell your dad he's awful because he made a rando person on the internet tear up at 7:00 AM on a Saturday. Just kidding about him being awful if that isn't clear lol. Not kidding about the tears though, because that's such a precious answer! 😭
Excellent comment.
this I think OP should just disinvite them all, since the "harmony" is already broken
NTA - That is weird as hell. That's their family not yours. If they want their family displayed at a wedding, guess what? They can do it at their own wedding\[s\]. Also how would it be weird to have a photo of your mom but not people who you never knew/never raised you/not related to? Their logic has no logic.
Because it is not about logic but control. They want to publicly assert dominance over OP. And I bet that it is not the first time.
The step mom is jealous of a dead woman and making it OPs problem. Stepsibs just want their mom to be happy which I can respect but also makes it pretty easy to dismiss their opinions. Stepmom is the problem here.
Yes, 100%. She is essentially trying to "compete" with a dead woman. WTAF?
Bingo, well done, you nailed it. It's all about control and Daddy Dearest is absolutely fine with that at his children's expense. This is a family with some severe internal problems.
Agreed. If OP *wanted* to display photos of dead people whom he never knew and who were not related to him in any way, that would be weird enough. Trying to coerce him into doing it is deranged.
NTA. Not their wedding, not their choice. They're free to do this at *their* wedding. >They said it should be all three photos or none at all. However, you should realize that if you don't uninvite them, they'll bring their own pictures and set them up (or take yours down). You then get to choose between letting them have their way or having a fight at your wedding.
I agree. If the stepmother and her children come anywhere near the wedding, they will replace your pictures with their pictures. Or destroy your picture. Need to watch out for speeches too, none of them get microphone time. Also password protect with every vendor or I bet the wedding program and anything else will be altered.
I would have someone watching the photos like a hawk and stepping in to stop them if they try to mess with them and/or add their own
photoguardian for the win!
Came here to say the same thing about them adding their own picture(s). I think it’s time to disinvite SM and step-siblings. Give the father the choice of attending alone or supporting his wife’s foolishness and staying home. Sorry you’ve been put in this position, OP. And I’m sorry that both you and your fiancé lost your mothers. But congratulations on your upcoming wedding and best wishes for your married life! NTA
Yeah will these step siblings honour OP's mom at their weddings? Highly doubtful.
Would OP want his mom honoured at his step siblings wedding anyway? Its so weird.
Clearly, the answer is to display pictures of every human who has ever died. We're either a species or we're not. NTA. Your stepfamily are being ridiculous.
😂😂😂 ☠️ so true
Yeah-- I agree. Stepmom and -siblings think that it's a "dead family members' table" when it's literally about the parents who have passed. It's such a strange misinterpretation. They suck.
Actually this is great - if OP doesn't want to go nuclear and uninvite the whole bunch, then she should open the table to any guest who wants to add a photo of a dead relative. (actually, I'd just threaten to do this, then have a friend oversee the table and toss SM's photos)
I was thinking that if the invitations haven't been printed they could add a line requesting people bring photos of their dearly departed. Then OP can say there were 6,000 people at their wedding! /s (OP NTA - you didn't know those people, those pictures don't belong there. If the step mom's husband was alive, does she think he would be attending your wedding?)
I was about to write that the only answer is to go antiquing and find dozens of photos of people in period clothing to display, because you know them just as much as you know SM's family lol
[удалено]
You’re not seeing the parallels! The bride and groom’s mothers would have loved to be at the wedding, just like the groom’s father’s second wife’s husband would have loved to be at the wedding of his wife’s husband’s son who he had never met before!
That's something right outta Spaceballs. 🤦♀️
Well, OP *is* surrounded by AHs…
I also would like to be at the wedding but I’m not invited. Can op please at least put a picture of me next to the picture of her mother.
> They feel her late husband/their late dad and their late child/sibling should also get photos displayed And they can totally do that. At their own weddings. > Both of them had passed before my dad met his wife. You never met them, you're not related to them, they were complete strangers to you. It's completely unreasonable for your steps to expect you to display their photos. > I was then told I need to do this to restore family harmony Why are YOU responsible for restoring the harmony they destroyed with their ridiculous request and subsequent tantrums? > she feels like it's a dig at her because I also don't call her my mom and I'm not close to her. I don't know how old you were when she married your father. But if you were a child, she is probably to blame for you two not having a good relationship. She was the adult, it was her job and your father's to ensure a smooth blending of the family. Given what you wrote here, I might guess that she tried to force herself on you as the "new mommy", which backfired (because it usually does). NTA.
Put the photographs of the two deceased mothers on the back of the program with a little devotion about them. The programs are out. Can't display the strangers because program is already printed.
Yessssssss and the program is also a keepsake so it can be kinda petty and be a memory forever that they didn’t give in to their step families insane demands.
I don’t think it’s even petty, it’s just a good solution to the problem some people have brought up that ”the steps” might try to add or remove framed photos on the day of. (But for some reason I also think you’re correct that step-mom wouldn't appreciate it!)
This is brilliant.
He doesn’t need to do anything like that. He said no. No is no.
You are correct, but if he does this, he doesn't have to declare war on his Step Mother. Kind of a passive aggressive solution.
This is how I would personally do it. Then the program could be kept as a memento, too. It would both prevent the problem and he a really sweet gesture to honor the mothers.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. There's a big difference between your biological mother and your stepmother.
NTA. It's bizarre as hell that your stepmom thinks her dead husband should have any meaning to your wedding at all, let alone be on the same level as your actual mother who you knew and loved. This isn't about her, as much as she obviously wants to make it so.
Respectfully, your stepmother and stepsiblings are out of their minds. It makes no sense on any level to put up a picture of a total unrelated stranger alongside your mothers. NTA at all.
Respectfully. lol
NTA - you have no connection to them and yeah, weddings do involve families, but this event is absolutely about you and your fiance.
NTS You have no biological or emotional tie to your stepmom's deceased husband. If you kept the dummy photo in the frame(assuming newly bought), you would have asuch connections. Her weird hangups have no place here.
INFO are these photos you want to display, just photos of each mom alone? Like one head shot of your fiancé’s mom and one head shot of your mom? If so I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out in what universe your stepmother thinks the rest of her family should be displayed. Either way NTA because your wedding is not about family harmony. It’s about you and your fiance starting your life together.
NTA This isn’t a family reunion, it is your wedding. Your stepmom doesn’t need to make this about her.
NTA. "Restoring harmony". Ha! Ranks right up there with "do it to keep the peace ", "be the better person", "but it's tradition" and "do it for the family". It's just bullying. Tell the people trying to force this issue that the subject is closed and if they don't like it, they don't have to attend. Plus, have someone on the lookout for when they sneak those photos in.
NTA - Tell them for "family harmony" they can either let you do as you wish at your wedding or they can stay home. Any attempt to bring in other photos of people whom you've never met against your will and they will be kicked out and the photos will be thrown out...wtf is wrong with some people...
NTA - before joining this sub I had no clue the number of grown ass adults who feel the need to compete with the memory of a dead parent to the point of getting extremely butt hurt that things aren't more "equal".
NTA So when your step siblings get married you can expect photos of your mom put up then, correct.
Not just OP's mom. I want pics displayed of EVERY family member he's got that has passed. Is that an old tin type of great great great grandpa? Yes! Toss it up there! A third cousin twice removed that died 30 years before he was born? STRAIGHT TO THE TABLE!
Exactly! Full family tree it
"This is a picture of my great great aunt's ex-boyfriends 5th cousin!! His name is Reginald, no... it was Ronald.... Roger? Oh I don't remember but hE's FaMiLy!!!!!"
NTA. You don't need to spend your wedding explaining to her family and yours that the pictures are of your stepmother's previous husband and her late child you never met. Your family will know who your mom is and your fiancée's family will learn who your mom is if they haven't already seen pictures. This will only take away from the focus on you and your bride and shift attention to your stepmother.
I will never understand how some people try to make demands of a wedding that isn't theirs. I'd just tell them point blank, this isn't a mandatory attendance event and you don't have to come to it. What even sense does it make to include a photo of their late dad and sibling? People you never met and have zero relation to you? 100% NTA, my dude. Good on your siblings for sticking right beside you too.
NTA. YOU NEVER MET THESE PEOPLE LOL. Why would you have a picture of them at YOUR wedding. Also, why isn’t your father telling them to back off? Some men have no balls to tell their wives they are out of line.
NTA it is your wedding not your step peeps’ they need to stay in their lane
NTA Your choice to display photos of your mother at your wedding has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your stepmother. You're not required to display photos of people you've never met to prove you accept your stepmother and her children. They all need to grow up and stop being threatened by your deceased mother. It's actually wild to me that they would compare the loss of your mother to the loss of strangers who were never part of your life, and are not blood relatives, by asking you not to display photos of your own mom unless they get to put up their pics too.
NTA Why in the world would you honor people you never met and are not in any way related to at your wedding? In what universe are your father's wife deceased husband and child part of your family? You and your fiance want to honor the women who birthed each of you but are no longer with you. I'm not sure why they don't get that connection.
So are the step siblings going to display a picture of your mother at THEIR weddings? Hmmm? Because you know, and they know, that would be weird. Just like trying to force their deceased father and sibling’s pictures on you is weird. NTA.
NTA. Memorial photos at a wedding are supposed to honor family members of the bride and groom. There is NO family connection between you and your stepmother's deceased husband and child. If one of her children had died AFTER she married your father, it might be a nice gesture to have a photo - but even then, it would be YOUR choice to do so. Stepmom needs to stay in her lane.
NTA stepmom is insecure and dad is feeding into it. Let him but tell.hik it won't be at your wedding. You do not need to keep the peace or restore the family. The family was never broke. step mom just feel so secure over a deceased women.
NTA. My goodness, anyone with half a brain would understand why it should be you and your fiancé moms. They are part of who you are. Her first husband and deceased child has nothing to do with you. Her children can display their dad and sibling at their wedding. Period. Tell Lady Tremaine that she does not get to dictate your wedding nor demand that her first husband and deceased child be honored at YOUR wedding. That you will be doing so for Your mother (who birthed you) and fiancé mom. Any more of the discussion by any of them and they will no longer be invited to the wedding. And talk to your dad and tell him to rein him in. That this behavior will not be tolerated or accepted. And if he supports his wife’s behavior or is on the same band wagon, then he might also not be included to the wedding nor any children you may have. Get a back bone and shine it up.
NTA people pick the worst things to make drama about!! Geez! They need to get over it and when they have their own weddings they can display whatever pics they want. It’s not your job to entertain their insecurities and whims or keep the peace. Tbh I’d just say you’re going private with all the details of the wedding and thanks for the input but you’ll plan the remainder of it, and you’ll look forward to seeing them there on your big day!
Or they can skip it 🤷🏼♀️
NTA She is NOT your mother. You are only related by marriage and have no connection to the kids. I would hold this and if they start threatening not to come to the wedding, tell them you will miss them and share photos later. She is trying to make your wedding day a day about her.
NTA. They should shut their yaps or not come at all. Their demands are \*entirely\* unreasonable. You would be TA to yourself if you gave in to this silliness.
“I did not know your late father or sibling, they will not be included at my wedding because they are strangers to me. You did not know my mother and I would not expect her to be included at your wedding, because you never met her/she is a stranger to you. Strangers, however wonderful they might have been, have no place being memorialized at people’s weddings.” NTA
Question to ask them: Are they going to display a picture if your mom at their weddings?
NTA. Can you uninvite the steps, or is that a bridge too far for you? If it's a bridge too far, then my advice is to practice no as a complete sentence. Stop providing explanations, because they are clearly hearing, "Problem in need of solution," and attempting to provide a solution, then getting frustrated/ hurt when you're not receptive to their solution. They don't realize there's no problem here (other than the one they're manufacturing). The thing is, the picture of your mom is there because your mom cannot be. My sister did a similar thing at her wedding for our late mother (she had a locket with mom's wedding picture tied to the bouquet, then later pinned to her gown). My dad's new wife (we don't call her stepmom because he married her after all kids left the family home, so had no hand in the raising of us) had 2 husbands prior to my dad -- an ex (divorce) and a late (widow). Dad's wife has said and done many, *many* out of pocket and inappropriate, eyebrow- raising things about my dad loving another woman before he met her since the day they got together, but even this woman didn't say anything about the picture or try to have her former husband's represented. I never thought I'd say this, but I think your stepmom is more wacko than mine. If your mom was alive, she would be at the wedding and, presumably, stepmom would not be. If this was some weird parallel universe where all deceased parties were alive, with marriages ended by divorce instead of death, then stepmom would not be inviting her previous spouse. Just because he is her beloved deceased does not make him your beloved deceased, and does not make this ask appropriate.
So will they have a photo of your deceased mom at their wedding?
NTA. You never even met these people, let alone were close to them. They're not immediate family of origin who you've known, lost and wish could be there (normally a parent, Grandparent or sibling), which as far as I know is usually the criteria for inclusion in that ritual. They're being ridiculous, and frankly a bit loopy if they intend to include your Mom themselves. She's not their relative, and they never even met her. How could she possibly be someone they're going to deeply miss on their wedding days?
At this point I think you should disinvite all of them. Then you could do as you want and you won’t have stress. NTA
NTA You are not doing an in memorial for every dead person in the family. You and your wife are recognizing the mutual loss of your mothers. Tell them to stay home if they don't like it. You'll be happier.
NTA.
nta
NTA, you literally did not know those people? And it's your wedding.
Nta why would you include people why aren't your family?
NTA. At all.
When your stepsiblings get married they can display photos of their father and sibling. Did you ever even meet her first husband and deceased child?
According to a comment made by OP, they were both dead before his dad met stepmother. So no one present at the wedding except for stepmother and her children would know who the pictures were of.
In that case it's SUPER WEIRD to even consider putting up their pictures.
NTA - beware before and at the wedding, they might try something on the pictures
NTA. This is where you dis-invite your stepmother and her kids entirely. You are not inviting total strangers to your wedding, so you do not need to display pictures of total strangers at your wedding. This is your wedding, not theirs. They can display pictures of their family at their weddings.
Nta. Their request is weird as hell
"we're either a family or we're not" "No, actually the relevant thing is, it's either my wedding or it's yours."
That is so effing bizarre. Ask them to explain to you how the man your father's wife was married to before your father married her and the child they had (two people you've never even met) are in any way your "immediate family". Screw your stepmom's and stepsibling's bizarro feelings and your father's people pleasing at your expense. This is your wedding. Have a photo of your mom. Tell anyone who complains that if they don't want to see it then they don't have to come. And one more word from them on this means that their invitation is rescinded. And if they do come and say one word about it at the wedding and you hear about it, you'll have them escorted out. Put up your boundaries and hold them firm. This is not groomzilla behavior. It's perfectly normal. What they want is weird as shit. NTA
No is a full sentence. When you open the door for discussion it can sound like you are giving room to negotiate, if you are talking to people who dont care about your no, or your boundaries. Or just selfinvolved people who find your boundaries to be, occasionally, inconvenient. No. In this case, should have been a full sentence. NTA Whenever they want you to hold up all of the family harmony alone, just let it strengthen your resolve to take a step back from this particular part of your family, as they are not above being manipulative and dismissive of your feelings.
NTA that’s insane. Like literally, insane. And so unbelievably disrespectful. I’m so sorry that your step family is trying to make your wedding and your mother’s passing about them. I know this is gonna sound messed up but in some ways I was relieved that my step dad passed before I got married. My daddy died when I was young and I just knew my mom would have tried to make it a thing to have my step dad walk me down the aisle rather than my brother, which is what I wanted. I mean, I would have stood my ground but it would have been a painful argument.
Gads, I always go to weddings hoping to see dead people. A kind "no" is best. NTA.
Your SM and step siblings sound unhinged. It’s your wedding and you get to decide what pictures will be displayed. Wtf would you display your SM’s late husband and child? It makes more sense when one of her children gets married, they could honor them. Your SM and her kids are AHs. Your dad’s a sorry sack of $hit for catering to her rude and entitled behaviors.
“ No pictures of someone I’ve never met”
This is simple. It’s not your step mother’s wedding. If she wanted to display her deceased husband at her wedding to your father she should have had at it. Is she mentally unwell? It’s your wedding. It has never been your responsibility to look after the emotional and mental health of your parent, it’s actually the other way around. No means no and it’s your wedding.
Memorial seats are for who can’t be here if her dead husband was alive she wouldn’t be stepmother
I think the stepmom suffers from main character syndrome. I'm guessing none of her actual kids have gotten married yet and therefore this is the first wedding (other than her own) where she thinks she's something special. If it was me and your dad and stepmom were both going to be sitting at the head table, I'd have dad sitting next to an empty chair with a GIANT photo of mom on it. Stepmom would be at regular guest table.
Stepmother is a guest at the wedding. What she wants or doesn't want should not be your concern, OP. Just imagine your other guests' reactions: A: So the woman int hat photo is the groom's late mum, right? B: Yeah, that's right. A: And who are the guy and the child next to her? B: I have absolutely no idea. C: That's the groom's father's second wife's late first husband and child. They will be laughing at it (and her) till the next year.
NTA. IT'S YOUR WEDDING. You and your fiancée get to decide.
NTA. They want you to display photos of people *you never met?* That's weird.
NTA Your wedding, your choice. Let them sulk.
“ I encourage you to have photos of whomever you might like at your wedding, but I’ll be taking care of the photos at mine”
NTA. Your stepmother's late husband & child had NOTHING to do with you being made or raised. Your mother and your fiancee's mother are the only ones that pictures should be displayed. You didn't know her late husband or child. They had no part in you being created or raised.
What tomfoolery is this? This is a tradition to include your mothers. Not every dead person anyone attending knew. NTA and your step family are nitwits.
NTA. There will be 2 photos, and if they can't deal with that they can rsvp their absence.
Remind the stepmother and stepkids that when **they** get married they can put up all the pictures of **their** relatives they want. This ceremony is for you and your fiance and people who are important to you. You never knew stepmother's other husband or child. People really have lost the plot and don't know how to not be the main character always. Also tell your dad to grow a spine. Nta, and congrats on your upcoming wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancée (28f) and I (29m) are getting married in a couple of months. We both lost our moms. While my fiancée was raised by her grandparents, I was raised by dad and later my stepmother, his second wife. So while my fiancée has no drama about wanting to display a photo of her late mom. There is some about me displaying my mom. My siblings get why I want to do it. But my stepmother and stepsiblings do not. They feel her late husband/their late dad and their late child/sibling should also get photos displayed since they are also immediate family. But they're not my family, immediate or otherwise. Both of them had passed before my dad met his wife. My stepmother feels insecure that I don't just want to have photos of late family but of just my mom, she feels like it's a dig at her because I also don't call her my mom and I'm not close to her. My dad just wants his wife and stepkids happy. Stepkids feel like I should embrace "all parts of the family but here and not here" and they said if they did the photo thing, they'd include my mom with their dad. I made my stance clear and my answer was no. Which only brought more of the "we're either a family or we're not". My siblings stayed by my side and one of them was like well we're not an actual family so it's whatever, which only added fuel to the fire. I was then told I need to do this to restore family harmony and I should want to do this for my family. I told them I don't want to do this for them and I won't. They said it should be all three photos or none at all. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Why on earth would you display photos of people who neither you nor your fiancée have met at your wedding? A photo of your mom is not remotely comparable.
Get a locking display case and put the pics of the "moms" inside. IF any additional pictures mysteriously show up bin them.
WTAF? Your wedding, you do what YOU want! NTA
NTA these are people you never met and are not related to. It is very sad she lost her first husband and child but, frankly, insane of her to expect you to display their photos at your wedding.
NTA. Theirs is a weird take on why you are displaying a photo of your mom. Again, it’s your mom!!! Just do what you and your fiancée want to do and don’t let the other people decide for you. Have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. They’re being ridiculous. Was there a photo of your mom at your dads and stepmoms wedding? Or at your step sibling graduation or whatever major event they had? So why would you put a picture of her late husband/their dad at your wedding?
NTA. Are your step siblings going to display a picture of your Mom at their weddings??? Doubtful
NTA They can accept it or they can not come to your wedding
NTA Wtf am I reading??? Whose wedding is it exactly? Tell the crazies to go pound sand.
If your mom were still alive, she would be there at your wedding. If stepmom's husband were still alive, neither he nor stepmom would be at your wedding. This is weird. NTA
That's weird as hell, and utterly nonsensical. Those people are NOT your family and are nothing to you. You never even met them, much less loved them. NTA
Have a plan in case they arrive with disputed photos. Its a shame you have to have a photo police at your wedding, but given the aggressiveness that this issue has created I'm sure some alpha family member will be instructed to place disputed photos on the table. I would have a polite burly individual stationed there who would simply tell them no photos other than what is already on display.
NTA. Your stepmother's dead husband and child have nothing to do with you. They want to create drama and see how important they are to you. Honestly at this point it's best the uninvite them.
So by their train of thought they will display a picture of your mother at the step kids wedding? NTA
NTA. This is fucking bizarre.
NTA Now, you could get super petty. You could say, 'sure, we will display all 3 photos', then have 2 displays that they only see at the reception. The first, of your two mothers, with their names and indicating your honor of them. The second display should he of the step-moms husband with a subtitle stating this man, whom neither of you have known, was's first husband and is being included at step-mom's direction.
Make sure the display is not in a place of honor/forefront and that it's much smaller.
You're giving them exactly what they want and letting everyone know the reason why this stranger's photo is at your wedding. You're also, technically, not being disrespectful. Photo is there, and you've labeled it as at the direction of step-mom, or step-mom and step-kids. They may try to make a scene but that will just make them look worse.
NTA - Your step-family is crazy! When your step-mom’s kids get married they can honor their late family members. But it is absolutely ridiculous to expect you to have pictures at YOUR wedding of people who were complete STRANGERS to you. The entitlement of those people is insane! Unless you’re dependent on them to fund the wedding, I would tell them that there will be pictures of your mother only and if they can’t accept that then they do not need to attend the wedding. You have your siblings and that’s all you need. The rest of them are just attention seekers that want to cause drama for no reason.
NTA. I would tell them two things, it's your wedding, not theirs so unless they're paying for it, they get no say as this wedding is not about them. It's their choice if they think this means you're not family. I would tell them if they continue to push for the photos, they're not invited, especially if they think it means they're not family. If they're not family, they're not friends, either. If they do decide to come and they put up the photos, take the photos down and have them escorted from the wedding.
NTA
NTA. You get to choose who, if anyone, you memorialize at your wedding. If it causes issues, that's their problem.
NTA
Whaaaaa??? NTA
NTA I'd tell your stepmother and step siblings siblings, that their late family, is not your family. You never met them, or knew them. You get that these people mean a lot to them, but, that doesn't make them anything, to you. If they wanted to honor them ay their weddings, that they could, but your wedding was not the place.
Is it your wedding or theirs? Why do they think they get a say? This is what annoys me about weddings. It's fine having an opinion but at the end of the day, the only people who realistically get to decide on anything are the people getting married. Exceptions for me are when parents or whoever are paying for everything and want to bring a small number of their close friends/family... In which case, I think that's a fair trade off. They're essentially asking questions they don't want answers to. "Do you not accept me as family?" ... "No, not really".. *shocked Pikachu face* like... Seriously... Why on earth would you put up pictures for a guy you didn't know? This is not about them. I'd get to the point where if they keep going on about it and they're that unhappy, just tell them not to bother coming. Your siblings will be there and they sound like no stress. Your father's priority is clearly his new wife and family's feelings, not yours so in the grand scheme of things... Do you really want him there? He sounds a bit miserable to be around just from the post alone... It would almost be a stress relief if they didn't attend as long as your siblings could still come.
NTA. It's *your* wedding. Your stepmother and stepsiblings can display photos of their dead loved ones at their own weddings. If anyone started putting up a display that I hadn't asked for at my wedding, they would have been asked to leave immediately.
NTA. this is a freaking ridiculous ask by them. Their family is not your family. She, her kids, and dad can all kick rocks. Say "No, and if I hear another word about it, you are all uninvited." Watch, they'll show up with their own photos of their family at your wedding.
So to be clear your step family want you to put pictures up at your wedding of people you never knew?? People are just weird. NTA OP just say no and tell them not to be so ridiculous.
NTA Stay firm
NTA but I wouldn't put it past your stepmother to bring the pictures and set them out at your wedding.
NTA and uninvite them bc they are AHs.
NTA. Just uninvite stepmom and step siblings. If dad keeps pushing uninvite him too. It’s seriously bizarre that he would support having his current wife’s late husband’s & their child’s photo at his own son’s wedding.
NTA - It’s not Dios de los Muertos, it’s a wedding. Having a picture of the person who brought you into this world as a nice tribute is lovely. It shows honor for her memory. Your stepmom and step-siblings are alive and you want to share your joy of meeting your life partner and getting married with them. They are guests to celebrate your union. A picture of their dad is not needed because your marriage isn’t celebrating them, they are celebrating you. If you all want to do a big celebration of the dead on November 1st do it. Or if you’re getting married on November 1st, set up a bookcase and encourage ALL guests to bring a framed picture to celebrate Dia de los Muertos and everyone can place a picture and leave a note of remembrance. Otherwise, if it’s just a normal day, then their dad doesn’t get a place.
NTA Those people are not related to YOU, and it is YOUR DAY.
Nope, NTA. Why would they even think this is normal if you didn't even meet him, let alone have a relationship with them.
NTA It would be confusing to your guests to display the picture. You can honor her as your Stepmother in another way at your reception.
I would start by talking to your dad alone: 1. The point is to honor the late mother's of the bride and groom. 2. You never met step-mom's late family. 3. The day is about celebrating the bride and groom 4. Your father needs to nip this in the bud, speak to his wife and step-children and inform them that you made your decision, they need to respect it and they can make decisions regarding their big days and how they choose to honor fallen members. 5. Your sibling was right, they are not actually family. I don't know why anyone would think that you would honor someone you never met(fiancé is honoring his mom, that's different). Even if she was your step-mom for most of your life you have no obligation to honor her late husband or child.
WTF did I just read. They literally want you to honour someone you are not related to and that you never met at your wedding. NTA, but those people are whack jobs.
NTA. Your step siblings and stepmother are absolutely bonkers if they think that you should display photographs of 2 people you have never even met just because you are having photos of your mothers there. WTF?
This is YOUR (you & husband) wedding therefore ONLY pictures of YOUR dead mothers will be out. Most people do this for parents who have passed; not the whole family because that is a lot and tends to bring up arguements about past generations. NTA. You may consider your stepmother family but her lost husband and child certainly were not. And if this breaks family harmony you all didn't have it to begin with. There should be two photos and they need to keep their traps shut when it comes to planning YOUR wedding.
NTA. You never met your stepmother's late husband or her late child, heck your dad never even met them. You had no relationship with them and even if they had been alive, you still wouldn't have a relationship with your stepmother's first husband. Tell your dad, your stepmother and her children that if they want to have pictures of their deceased father and sibling on display at their weddings, they are more than welcome to do that. However, this is ***your*** wedding and it should be about remembering ***your*** loved one who's no longer with you. Not remembering some random people you never met and have no relation to. I'd ask all the people causing a problem if they'll put a picture of your mother on display at their weddings despite never having met her or being related to her because I bet you anything they'd say "No" because "she wasn't family"
NTA Why would you have pictures of a dead guy you never met and has no influence on your life at your wedding? That’s just pure delulu on your step family’s part.
NTA. That’s some insane shit. I can’t understand how they think that’s appropriate? Stick to your decision.
NTA I'd tell them that if it bothers them so much, they don't have to attend. IMO they are absolutely delusional.
NTA. The other deceased people from Stepmom's side were not related to you and you didn't even know them. It is creepy that she is even suggesting that. She can display those pictures at her kids' weddings, not at yours. Do not let Stepmom walk down the aisle alone or with a groomsman as "mother of the groom" or as part of the bridal party.
NTA. This isn't about them. This is about you. You and your wife's family losses. Those others aren't your family. While they are part of some of your family's family, they aren't part of yours. They are being a bit ridiculous. If one of your step-siblings gets married, it would be reasonable that they have a picture of their Dad but not your Mom. It doesn't make you all less family to choose this.
NTA. This is why we eloped.
NTA What does your stepmoms first husband have to do with you? Ya, absolutely nothing! They are being so ridiculous and incredibly emotionally manipulating. Stand your ground! Tell them they are welcome to not attend your wedding.
NTA These people are not your relatives and I doubt you ever even met them. Stepkids can put those photos up at THEIR wedding.
NTA- they can drop it and come and be supportive of your day. Or not come and let this be the hill they die on. Your dad needs to respect your feelings. Their family has nothing to do with you. They wi have the opportunity to do things as they wish on their days. Emotional ultimatums are never good
It's your wedding. Your step family is crazy
That's a weird request. I'm assuming you never even met these people? I feel like you stepmom is just insecure as the second wife and is afraid she's second best to a person who has passed away. Also, your wedding your rules. If she doesn't like it she isn't being forced to attend. Maybe your stepmom should back down from this silly request to "restore family harmony" NTA
NTA. OP, these people have absolutely no say in your wedding and they need to be treated like guests. They do need to know any info ahead of time nor are you obligated to include them in anything. You are an adult now and don't need to be a door mat or people pleaser. If your dad can't see it your way, he's never going to and eventually it will come to that no matter what you do. At the end of the day all these people want is attention and you are under no obligation to give it to them.