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> I might be the asshole for getting upset weith him over something i shol;dnt have
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YTA.
Not being able to communicate with others is very demoralizing. Your BF had a rare moment where he could actually enjoy being able to directly communicate with a cashier. Instead of being fine with him communicating on his own, you were controlling asshole that demands that ALL of his communication goes through you.
You absolutely were condescending and rude.
There is a whole lot, lot, LOT of people that don't know sign language. You will have plenty of opportunity to translate, assuming relationship lasts given your attitude.
YTA.
He didn't need your help. The cashier "spoke" his primary language. You are there to translate IF he needs you to. He is not there for you to practice. You translate for him to make things easier for him again, IF he needs you to. He was presumably getting along in life before he started dating you.
You were rude and you did overstep.
YTA
He's right, he's not incompetent and I'm sure that he was excited to finally have someone he could directly converse with. Your determination to make him rely on you gives off the vibes that you want to isolate him. You can practice signing just fine by talking directly to your boyfriend. If you can't stand not "being helpful" in a while, find a different way to be helpful because this didn't seem helpful at all.
YTA for at least two reasons.
1) Never help a disabled person if they don’t want it. He didn’t want your help, so you shouldn’t help.
2) The goal with your learning ASL is to help him. Your help was not needed here.
Either way, resenting him for not being disabled enough or isolated enough that he needed to rely on you for that interaction is an ableist reaction. The goal in helping people with disabilities is to make the world accessible so that they need your help the minimum amount. Take some time to assess where your feelings are coming from, and work on yourself.
I'd really hope that if a partner is learning another partner's first language it would be for connection & communication, not just to help. It feels a bit like OP wants praise & recognition for being able to support her partner by interpreting - but being able to communicate clearly with her partner is arguably more important.
YTA-Stop making it all about you. You’ll have other opportunities to practice. You should check that ego at the door and let him enjoy the independence of being able to communicate with someone without needing an interpreter.
YTA, you just infantilized a disabled person. His disability is not about you. While I'm sure he appreciates your help, let him be independent when he can be; I'm sure it's not often that he can sign with people, so let him have those moments.
YTA
This is extremely controlling behavior and isolating for your boyfriend. Why on earth do you think you have to be his translator when another person can speak ASL with him?
What am I reading? Is this really an argument you had? here's how I read it
"how dare you not be dependent on me for all interactions. how DARE you attempt to communicate on your own! From now until the day you die, all human interactions MUST GO THRU ME!!!!"
Gods above and below.. YTA
You were being condescending, controlling and rude. Beyond rude.
YTA. He does not want to be dependent on you. The chance for him to communicate with others is probably gratifying for him. You will continue to get your chance to practice but it must be such a relief to him to be able to easily communicate with someone else
I am a hearing person who is quite good at sign language and have been immersed in deaf culture for over 20 years.
Your bf is right. Learn and move on.
>Starting to worry I overstepped and was rude.
This is exactly right. I think you meant well, but overstepped. I think this is a gentle YTA.
How would you feel if he insisted on helping with something you are perfectly capable of, and need no assistance with?
It’s lovely that you can help him, but you have to be careful about forcing your help on him. It’s important to remember your boyfriend is a perfectly capable person, and can navigate life on his own.
If this relationship is going to continue, you should have a heart-to-heart talk about how and when he wants your assistance.
YTA
Yes, it's great that you can translate for your bf when nobody speaks his language. When he meets someone who does speak ASL, you don't need to translate. Stop being patronizing.
YTA for fucks sake, he gets the rare opportunity to be served in his primary language and you want to bitch about not getting to translate?
If you ever get a chance and it comes around again, go try out Dialogue in the Dark. It’s a tour through common locations that people encounter like a street, a grocery store but devoid of light. For those who are sighted? You now see nothing. You have your hands to feel and a guide, visually impaired, who navigates the world every day in the conditions you are experiencing for likely the first time. It was a scary and thought-provoking experience. I really think you could benefit from that and learn some empathy.
Are you seriously asking this question. You’re actually upset because he used a language with someone who understands and YOU didn’t get the chance to translate. Why TF would you need to translate for him when they could understand each other. You’re actually sooo wrong in your thinking. Sooo wrong. I can’t even begin to understand why you are upset. You want to practice then you do it with him. Not for him when he doesn’t need you to translate. Not only that but I’m sure he never needed you to translate in the first place because he’s been living with this for how long and knows how to navigate without you. You’re like that person who yells louder at someone because you think they can’t understand then they can and may just have an accent because the language being spoken is not their native tongue. YTA!!!
YTA. What do you want a cookie? How awesome that must have been for your boyfriend to be in public and talk to someone in his language without the need for help. Look 👀 you seem to really enjoy helping him but goodness you don’t need to help when the help isn’t needed.
Stop being weird and controlling.
Yes you overstepped and were rude. The small interaction w the employee wouldn’t have made you any more competent at ASL, nor is your bf a child you must always speak for. He had every right to make his own order. I imagine that was pretty nice finding someone he could communicate w like that out in the wild. You owe him an apology. YTA.
YTA.
How often does your bf get to just interact with someone in public who speaks his language? How often is he left out of things because most people don’t speak ASL?
He wanted to have a normal interaction where he just orders for himself, but instead you made it about you. It’s really cool that you’re learning ASL, but you should work on being more empathetic to his experiences and needs.
YTA
If you wanted to practice, why did you bark at the cashier for speaking to you in ASL? Why didn’t you all just sign? It’s like you want to gatekeep the hearing world, but are resistant to submersing yourself into the deaf world. Definitely a power play.
YTA. Picture this analogy. You first language is English and you only speak English. You are visiting a foreign country - where next to no one speaks English - with your boyfriend who is bilingual (English, plus the native language of foreign country you are visiting). You go 2 months without being able to directly converse in conversation with any single other person. You boyfriend is the intermediary as a translator for you on every occasion you want to speak. Suddenly you come across the first English speaker there you’ve met in over 2 months of travelling. But your boyfriend gets upset with you doing that and insists you only talk to him in English and he translates for you to this speaker of your own tongue…
What planet are you from that you don’t get how controlling this is of you to not let him sign to someone who happens to be able to???
Edited for spelling
HARD YTA. Biggest one I’ve read today. What a rare experience for him to get to communicate by himself with a customer service worker and you had to make it about yourself. He didn’t need your help. You’re pissed he was able to help himself? He’s not a child. Go apologize and smarten the fuck up.
YTA.
If someone can’t sign and you translate for them you are helping.
If someone *can* sign and you make them speak to you and translate you are *not* helping.
You didn’t care about what would be helpful or better for him. You wanted everyone to help *you* practice, even though it would have been more difficult for your bf.
You tried to prevent your bf from communicating directly with someone in his own language. You are taking away his autonomy by doing so and making communication more convoluted.
You were rude to the employee and to your partner by trying to control the way they communicated and wanting them to speak only to you.
And you tried to stop your bf from being able to sign on one of the few occasions he can do so in what is generally a hearing environment.
If you were disappointed not to sign *for him* in this situation, imagine how shitty he would feel by missing the opportunity to sign for *himself*.
YTA. I remember a deaf friend telling me what a wonderful surprise it was to interact with a signing individual in an unexpected location. It doesn't happen often, and when it does it always makes her happy because it means she can have the same experience as the rest of us. Having a conversation with an ASL-fluent waiter and being able to ask her own questions about the menu. Or not having to go through a third person when talking to her mechanic because he knows how to sign. It's something she always enjoys because it doesn't happen often. Don't take away that pleasure simply because you feel you need to step in.
YTA
Never do something for someone that they can do themselves unless they specifically ask you to. Otherwise it demonstrates that you perceive them as inferior to you. My parents had a blind friend at one point that thanked them for not trying to clear the path ahead of her. It let her know that they perceived her as just another person rather than an invalid that they were humoring.
Yta.
You're trying to control your boyfriends ability to communicate. Don't do that. You're also infantalizing your bf - he's not incompetent is he?
Frankly I'd advise him to leave you over this. You have a lot of learning to do about disabled communities.
YTA. He is your partner, not your toddler son. You're upset that he was actually able to order his own food because an employee knows ASL? That sounds like a pretty high level of controlling there.
YTA- it’s rare when someone knows ASL in customer service your boyfriend was more than capable of ordering for himself since the cashier was experienced. You’re not missing out in practice because you practice with him every time you’re with him you were were selfish to want to do it for him. You have zero reason to be angry for him I’m sure he was happy to actually to be able to order for himself in a long time and you just had to ruin the night and your relationship. It’s demeaning how you expect him to only get ASL through you.
YTA, why wouldn’t you be excited for him to be able to communicate with someone himself? This is so bizarre. I have friends who only speak Spanish and when they come to the US to visit and there’s a worker who speaks Spanish, why the hell would I translate for them lol? That’s kind of stupid.
First just because it annoys me, you don't translate sign language you interpret it.
Second, you don't get to control how your boyfriend communicates with the world. That is not your job nor is it your place. He can communicate however he likes and when the person he is communicating with understands his language then why wouldn't he.
Yes you overstepped. Yes you were rude. You kind of come off as someone who wants to look good by showing how helpful you are.
YTA.
YTA and a huge one at that. Bro is living in a world where most people can't understand him! He has the opportunity to order like a "normal" person for a change and you got mad at him for doing that? Self centered much? You totally suck and I hope he finds better.
Oh god yes, YTA. If your bf was French would you butt in and insist on speaking for him? He's deaf, not five, and he's probably a lot better at signing than you are in any case.
I feel quite aggrieved by this. You're very bold.
YTA
Definitely it was rude of you to not allow and encourage him to sign to someone who has basic ASL skills. It was a chance for the other person to practice their sign as well. You will have many opportunities where you can be the "translator" in your interactions. In situations like this, you need to defer to him and let him communicate. Its rare to come across people who know sign language and use it fluently enough. These kinds of situations can often lead to friendships forming too, so don't be dismissive of it.
In my photography business over the past 10 years, I've had about 5 customers where they knew sign language.
First situation I was with a deaf friend who was a model also. She tagged along with me and we did a model shoot before my paid family session. Turns out the lady who hired me works as a special ed teacher and was fluent in ASL. It surprised my deaf friend and we were caught up in signing with her for about an hour after the session.
Second one was a gal in mid 30's with a cute family whose grandfather was deaf. She learned ASL so she could communicate with him. She was probably the most fluent signer I've met so far. Her husband was watching us both sign with his head going back and forth like a tennis audience. He was like "wow this is just so cool to see in action". I'm sure he saw her and Grandfather signing but this was definitely something different for him.
More recently about two weeks ago I had a huge family shoot with 19 people. One of the older ladies was a former teacher who was versed in ASL. She was about intermediate level and was overjoyed that she still remembered many of her signs. I got an email the other day that she and her daughter (who hired me) were planning to go find an ASL class together because of our meeting.
YTA. Most people can't use sign language. In a rare occasion where he can use it as normal, he really should be able to without it being a thing for you.
YTA.
Just because hes deaf doesnt automatically mean he is incapable of doing things for himself, and having someone constantly translating for you gets tiring?? he had one opportunity to "speak" to someone who understands him yet it was completely shut down and ruined by you. for why? who knows. youre supposed to sign when he needs help or you want to communicate with him. and translating for him isnt so you can "learn more", you translate because not everyone can understand him and you accepted the role of helping (when necessary!!).
it was 100% rude and you overstepped. when he said he could do it himself, you shouldve let it go.
The fuck?
You’re not a guide dog. You’re literally asking for your boyfriend to be solely dependent on you even when he’s capable of communicating himself. That’s absolutely disgusting and if you can’t help but treat someone with a disability as if they’re a child then you shouldn’t be dating someone with a disability.
YTA. You wanting to "help" is not more important than your bf's preference. If he can communicate by himself just fine, why would you help him? If your "help" isn't wanted or needed it's not help. It's just you stroking your own ego.
YTA. And nobody stopped you from practicing but you. You literally could’ve just kept signing but you opened your mouth and it’s his issue? Also everything else people are saying.
YTA. Your bf has navigated the hearing world for 21 years without your help. He doesn’t need you to translate for him at all, unless he asks you for help. He is a perfectly capable adult. He doesn’t need you to treat him as a child.
OK, so YTA. You also sound like you have developed a saviour complex. Disabled people are still independent individuals who can navigate the world, especially when there accommodations in place like employees who can sign.
You want to help? Only do so when he needs it. He's not helpless or incompetent....
YTA.
> He signed that he was not incompetent and that if he can directly talk to the employee why not. I signed that it would be nice to let me help. He signed that he only wants help when he needs it if its not needed I'm just being condescending and rude.
He’s right. He doesn’t get the privilege that most of us have being able to communicate directly with almost everyone we encounter. For him to have to deny himself that so you can get some practice in would be very disheartening indeed.
Apologise to your BF.
YTA but let's address the real issue here. Are you worried that there's nothing to your relationship except the fact that you're able to translate for him? Is that why you feel threatened when he doesn't need you to do that?
His not a baby, his a grown ass man n if he finds someone who he can sign to then let him!! You’re not his mother you’re his gf… grow the f up n stop over stepping!!!
YTA. Jeez, you're arrogant and controlling. You don't want your boyfriend to be independent. You want him to be dependent on you and you threw a tantrum that he dared to speak to someone. You just wanted to show off to everyone that you know sign language and that you're "helping" him because you're desperate for attention.
YTA. Imagine how hard it is for him to be able to communicate with the world. Now he is finally in an ideal situation where he can fully understand someone and they can fully understand him. That is probably such a rare situation for him that he was happy to have that opportunity. But you wanted to take it away from him and treat him like he’s not capable of telling the cashier his order, even though he was in a unique situation where he could actually communicate.
You speaking for him is only beneficial for him when he is unable to speak for himself. Any time he can communicate independently he doesn’t need the help. Nobody acts help that they don’t need, especially if it makes them look incompetent.
YTA - condescending AF. He had a rare opportunity to communicate directly with a cashier and you’re annoyed because you wanted to play the good girlfriend hero role.
YTA
How DARE you put your desire to practice above his absolute right to the simple dignity of speaking for himself when he encounters someone else who signs?
If he doesn't need help, you aren't helping but infantalizing him.
Why do you want him dependent on you or to be seen as dependent on you?
You know that stereotype of the husband the orders for the wife? That’s you. The point of you helping is to help when he needs it. Why would it be wrong for him to take advantage of a situation where he doesn’t need help?
YTA. Why are you mad? Is it that your boyfriend found an oportunity to be indepenent, and you couldn’t play the savior? You’re mad that he’s not dependent on you? You’re mad that you weren’t part of a conversation that doesn’t really need you in it? I’m confused
YTA
Imagine your bfs primary language was French and you speak both English and French. You arrive somewhere and someone speaks both English and French. But you expect them to only speak English and you'll translate instead of speaking French to your bf directly.
It's giving "devotee" and since plenty of the deaf community don't feel they are disabled, only that they speak different language you are you going to make your bf feel lesser than if you keep up this nonsense. If someone speaks his language he should be able to speak it to them. It's controlling and creepy to demand all of his conversations go through you.
Yes, you overstepped and were rude. You wanted to infantilize him so you could help. As a person with a disability, it’s not always fun to have to ask for help. So when someone/some place is accessible, don’t undo that to play the hero. You should have been happy that someone else bothered to learn sign language. YTA!
YTA honestly I would break up with you after that. You care more about being needed than actually helping your boyfriend. Thats the only reason that can explain why you would be mad about him not turning to you to translate. Do you know how refreshing it is for deaf people when they meet a worker who knows sign language and they can communicate with them directly? You should have been happy for him instead of feeling like you weren’t needed anymore. Look into therapy.
Why in the world were you upset that your hearing impaired (HI) BF had a rare opportunity to communicate with a non-hearing impaired (NHI) individual?
It's great that you are learning ASL, but if you want to practice, take a class, hang with your BF and his HI peers, utilize YouTube, check out support groups for NHI family/friends of HI...anything besides demoralizing and further isolating your BF with your good intentions.
You were the AH here, but hopefully, it was just a one-time faux pas.
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My (21f) bf (21m) is deaf. Before we started dating I could kinda sign but since we started dating I have been trying to get better. I occasionally make mistakes he says but he says he completely understands me and I translate for him 99% of the time. We both got caught up with finals and other things and haven't been able to go on a date for a while. So i haven't been able to translate for him or be helpful for a while.
Recently we went to a movie theater. We were signing as we went up to the counter to order food, and as we went to the employee he started signing to us. I immediately spoke and said I am hearing hes deaf. He apologized both in english and ASL. Everything else the employee said he did in both languages. He said oh I'm very sorry, I saw the two of you signing and assumed you were both deaf. Did he/do you want to order (referring to my bf) or will she order. He signed that he would order and told him what he wanted. I then told him what I wanted and after the movie I was a little angry and asked him why he ordered. He signed that if the employee knew ASL he could just order it would be easier. I signed but I was there I could help. I signed that I was practicing ASL just for him and that he should let me use it. He signed that he was not incompetent and that if he can directly talk to the employee why not. I signed that it would be nice to let me help. He signed that he only wants help when he needs it if its not needed I'm just being condescending and rude. We didn't sign the rest of the ride and we've been talking less. Starting to worry I overstepped and was rude. AITA?
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If my 3 year old wanted to order something herself I'd let her - after all I have veto power if she asks for something ridiculous. And my 6 year old often does order for himself and, quite frankly, takes great pride in it. I don't understand OP's point of view at _all_.
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YTA. Not being able to communicate with others is very demoralizing. Your BF had a rare moment where he could actually enjoy being able to directly communicate with a cashier. Instead of being fine with him communicating on his own, you were controlling asshole that demands that ALL of his communication goes through you. You absolutely were condescending and rude. There is a whole lot, lot, LOT of people that don't know sign language. You will have plenty of opportunity to translate, assuming relationship lasts given your attitude.
YTA. He didn't need your help. The cashier "spoke" his primary language. You are there to translate IF he needs you to. He is not there for you to practice. You translate for him to make things easier for him again, IF he needs you to. He was presumably getting along in life before he started dating you. You were rude and you did overstep.
YTA He's right, he's not incompetent and I'm sure that he was excited to finally have someone he could directly converse with. Your determination to make him rely on you gives off the vibes that you want to isolate him. You can practice signing just fine by talking directly to your boyfriend. If you can't stand not "being helpful" in a while, find a different way to be helpful because this didn't seem helpful at all.
YTA for at least two reasons. 1) Never help a disabled person if they don’t want it. He didn’t want your help, so you shouldn’t help. 2) The goal with your learning ASL is to help him. Your help was not needed here. Either way, resenting him for not being disabled enough or isolated enough that he needed to rely on you for that interaction is an ableist reaction. The goal in helping people with disabilities is to make the world accessible so that they need your help the minimum amount. Take some time to assess where your feelings are coming from, and work on yourself.
I'd really hope that if a partner is learning another partner's first language it would be for connection & communication, not just to help. It feels a bit like OP wants praise & recognition for being able to support her partner by interpreting - but being able to communicate clearly with her partner is arguably more important.
I think you're right. OP wants praise as a caretaker, not communication with a partner.
Shouldn’t the goal of learning ASL to be able to talk to her boyfriend and not to help him?
YTA-Stop making it all about you. You’ll have other opportunities to practice. You should check that ego at the door and let him enjoy the independence of being able to communicate with someone without needing an interpreter.
Exactly. You could have practiced by ordering for yourself in ASL.
You're ANGRY that he was able to communicate and order for himself without your help? YTA.
YTA, you just infantilized a disabled person. His disability is not about you. While I'm sure he appreciates your help, let him be independent when he can be; I'm sure it's not often that he can sign with people, so let him have those moments.
perfect word. Infantilized.
YTA This is extremely controlling behavior and isolating for your boyfriend. Why on earth do you think you have to be his translator when another person can speak ASL with him?
What am I reading? Is this really an argument you had? here's how I read it "how dare you not be dependent on me for all interactions. how DARE you attempt to communicate on your own! From now until the day you die, all human interactions MUST GO THRU ME!!!!" Gods above and below.. YTA You were being condescending, controlling and rude. Beyond rude.
YTA. I highly doubt that many service people he encounters can actually sign. He meets one that can and you won’t let him do it himself?
YTA. He does not want to be dependent on you. The chance for him to communicate with others is probably gratifying for him. You will continue to get your chance to practice but it must be such a relief to him to be able to easily communicate with someone else
YTA He is not a toddler. He is an adult. Of course he should communicate directly whenever he is able to.
I am a hearing person who is quite good at sign language and have been immersed in deaf culture for over 20 years. Your bf is right. Learn and move on.
>Starting to worry I overstepped and was rude. This is exactly right. I think you meant well, but overstepped. I think this is a gentle YTA. How would you feel if he insisted on helping with something you are perfectly capable of, and need no assistance with? It’s lovely that you can help him, but you have to be careful about forcing your help on him. It’s important to remember your boyfriend is a perfectly capable person, and can navigate life on his own. If this relationship is going to continue, you should have a heart-to-heart talk about how and when he wants your assistance.
YTA Yes, it's great that you can translate for your bf when nobody speaks his language. When he meets someone who does speak ASL, you don't need to translate. Stop being patronizing.
YTA. If he and the cashier both spoke French, would you jump in and insist on translating his words to the cashier into English?
YTA for fucks sake, he gets the rare opportunity to be served in his primary language and you want to bitch about not getting to translate? If you ever get a chance and it comes around again, go try out Dialogue in the Dark. It’s a tour through common locations that people encounter like a street, a grocery store but devoid of light. For those who are sighted? You now see nothing. You have your hands to feel and a guide, visually impaired, who navigates the world every day in the conditions you are experiencing for likely the first time. It was a scary and thought-provoking experience. I really think you could benefit from that and learn some empathy.
That is so cool! I hope I can go one day! They don't have exhibitions in the States yet.
Are you seriously asking this question. You’re actually upset because he used a language with someone who understands and YOU didn’t get the chance to translate. Why TF would you need to translate for him when they could understand each other. You’re actually sooo wrong in your thinking. Sooo wrong. I can’t even begin to understand why you are upset. You want to practice then you do it with him. Not for him when he doesn’t need you to translate. Not only that but I’m sure he never needed you to translate in the first place because he’s been living with this for how long and knows how to navigate without you. You’re like that person who yells louder at someone because you think they can’t understand then they can and may just have an accent because the language being spoken is not their native tongue. YTA!!!
YTA. What do you want a cookie? How awesome that must have been for your boyfriend to be in public and talk to someone in his language without the need for help. Look 👀 you seem to really enjoy helping him but goodness you don’t need to help when the help isn’t needed. Stop being weird and controlling.
YTA for reasons already stated. You owe him an apology.
YTA. The cashier was fluent in his language. That’s such a wonderful thing. Let him have moments to just be….not be the deaf guy.
Yes you overstepped and were rude. The small interaction w the employee wouldn’t have made you any more competent at ASL, nor is your bf a child you must always speak for. He had every right to make his own order. I imagine that was pretty nice finding someone he could communicate w like that out in the wild. You owe him an apology. YTA.
YTA. Why do you have to be the main character?
YTA. How often does your bf get to just interact with someone in public who speaks his language? How often is he left out of things because most people don’t speak ASL? He wanted to have a normal interaction where he just orders for himself, but instead you made it about you. It’s really cool that you’re learning ASL, but you should work on being more empathetic to his experiences and needs.
YTA If you wanted to practice, why did you bark at the cashier for speaking to you in ASL? Why didn’t you all just sign? It’s like you want to gatekeep the hearing world, but are resistant to submersing yourself into the deaf world. Definitely a power play.
YTA. Picture this analogy. You first language is English and you only speak English. You are visiting a foreign country - where next to no one speaks English - with your boyfriend who is bilingual (English, plus the native language of foreign country you are visiting). You go 2 months without being able to directly converse in conversation with any single other person. You boyfriend is the intermediary as a translator for you on every occasion you want to speak. Suddenly you come across the first English speaker there you’ve met in over 2 months of travelling. But your boyfriend gets upset with you doing that and insists you only talk to him in English and he translates for you to this speaker of your own tongue… What planet are you from that you don’t get how controlling this is of you to not let him sign to someone who happens to be able to??? Edited for spelling
HARD YTA. Biggest one I’ve read today. What a rare experience for him to get to communicate by himself with a customer service worker and you had to make it about yourself. He didn’t need your help. You’re pissed he was able to help himself? He’s not a child. Go apologize and smarten the fuck up.
YTA. You just realized that your bf is not dependent upon you. Learn from it and grow.
YTA You were being ableist and dismissive. He could order since the person knew ASL He doesn't need to be solely dependent on your assistance
YTA. What a nice surprise for him to be able to function in public. You should have let him order for you.
YTA. If someone can’t sign and you translate for them you are helping. If someone *can* sign and you make them speak to you and translate you are *not* helping. You didn’t care about what would be helpful or better for him. You wanted everyone to help *you* practice, even though it would have been more difficult for your bf. You tried to prevent your bf from communicating directly with someone in his own language. You are taking away his autonomy by doing so and making communication more convoluted. You were rude to the employee and to your partner by trying to control the way they communicated and wanting them to speak only to you. And you tried to stop your bf from being able to sign on one of the few occasions he can do so in what is generally a hearing environment. If you were disappointed not to sign *for him* in this situation, imagine how shitty he would feel by missing the opportunity to sign for *himself*.
YTA. I remember a deaf friend telling me what a wonderful surprise it was to interact with a signing individual in an unexpected location. It doesn't happen often, and when it does it always makes her happy because it means she can have the same experience as the rest of us. Having a conversation with an ASL-fluent waiter and being able to ask her own questions about the menu. Or not having to go through a third person when talking to her mechanic because he knows how to sign. It's something she always enjoys because it doesn't happen often. Don't take away that pleasure simply because you feel you need to step in.
YTA Never do something for someone that they can do themselves unless they specifically ask you to. Otherwise it demonstrates that you perceive them as inferior to you. My parents had a blind friend at one point that thanked them for not trying to clear the path ahead of her. It let her know that they perceived her as just another person rather than an invalid that they were humoring.
Yta. You're trying to control your boyfriends ability to communicate. Don't do that. You're also infantalizing your bf - he's not incompetent is he? Frankly I'd advise him to leave you over this. You have a lot of learning to do about disabled communities.
As a deaf person YTA the world doesn't revolve around you
YTA. And the fact that you have to ask is baffling.
Oh man YTA so much. Get over yourself.
Do you have a partner or a pet deaf person? Why wouldn’t he order himself if he is able?
YTA. He is your partner, not your toddler son. You're upset that he was actually able to order his own food because an employee knows ASL? That sounds like a pretty high level of controlling there.
YTA- it’s rare when someone knows ASL in customer service your boyfriend was more than capable of ordering for himself since the cashier was experienced. You’re not missing out in practice because you practice with him every time you’re with him you were were selfish to want to do it for him. You have zero reason to be angry for him I’m sure he was happy to actually to be able to order for himself in a long time and you just had to ruin the night and your relationship. It’s demeaning how you expect him to only get ASL through you.
YTA. Classic ableist savior complex. Check your privilege and follow his lead, don't ever try to strip him of his self-determination or self-efficacy.
YTA, why wouldn’t you be excited for him to be able to communicate with someone himself? This is so bizarre. I have friends who only speak Spanish and when they come to the US to visit and there’s a worker who speaks Spanish, why the hell would I translate for them lol? That’s kind of stupid.
First just because it annoys me, you don't translate sign language you interpret it. Second, you don't get to control how your boyfriend communicates with the world. That is not your job nor is it your place. He can communicate however he likes and when the person he is communicating with understands his language then why wouldn't he. Yes you overstepped. Yes you were rude. You kind of come off as someone who wants to look good by showing how helpful you are. YTA.
YTA and a huge one at that. Bro is living in a world where most people can't understand him! He has the opportunity to order like a "normal" person for a change and you got mad at him for doing that? Self centered much? You totally suck and I hope he finds better.
Oh god yes, YTA. If your bf was French would you butt in and insist on speaking for him? He's deaf, not five, and he's probably a lot better at signing than you are in any case. I feel quite aggrieved by this. You're very bold.
YTA you were rude and condescending. I hope you apologized.
YTA. Large overstep. Check your ego.
It was insanely rude, and you overstepped big time. You realize this isn't a toddler right? YTA. Easiest asshole I've seen all week.
YTA Definitely it was rude of you to not allow and encourage him to sign to someone who has basic ASL skills. It was a chance for the other person to practice their sign as well. You will have many opportunities where you can be the "translator" in your interactions. In situations like this, you need to defer to him and let him communicate. Its rare to come across people who know sign language and use it fluently enough. These kinds of situations can often lead to friendships forming too, so don't be dismissive of it. In my photography business over the past 10 years, I've had about 5 customers where they knew sign language. First situation I was with a deaf friend who was a model also. She tagged along with me and we did a model shoot before my paid family session. Turns out the lady who hired me works as a special ed teacher and was fluent in ASL. It surprised my deaf friend and we were caught up in signing with her for about an hour after the session. Second one was a gal in mid 30's with a cute family whose grandfather was deaf. She learned ASL so she could communicate with him. She was probably the most fluent signer I've met so far. Her husband was watching us both sign with his head going back and forth like a tennis audience. He was like "wow this is just so cool to see in action". I'm sure he saw her and Grandfather signing but this was definitely something different for him. More recently about two weeks ago I had a huge family shoot with 19 people. One of the older ladies was a former teacher who was versed in ASL. She was about intermediate level and was overjoyed that she still remembered many of her signs. I got an email the other day that she and her daughter (who hired me) were planning to go find an ASL class together because of our meeting.
YTA why not let him enjoy direct communication and ordering his own stuff when he can.
YTA. Everything is not about you. Your point of view is not the only thing that matters.
YTA. Most people can't use sign language. In a rare occasion where he can use it as normal, he really should be able to without it being a thing for you.
YTA. Your actions make it seem like you signing is more about how wonderful you think you are instead of actually about HIM.
YTA. Just because hes deaf doesnt automatically mean he is incapable of doing things for himself, and having someone constantly translating for you gets tiring?? he had one opportunity to "speak" to someone who understands him yet it was completely shut down and ruined by you. for why? who knows. youre supposed to sign when he needs help or you want to communicate with him. and translating for him isnt so you can "learn more", you translate because not everyone can understand him and you accepted the role of helping (when necessary!!). it was 100% rude and you overstepped. when he said he could do it himself, you shouldve let it go.
The fuck? You’re not a guide dog. You’re literally asking for your boyfriend to be solely dependent on you even when he’s capable of communicating himself. That’s absolutely disgusting and if you can’t help but treat someone with a disability as if they’re a child then you shouldn’t be dating someone with a disability.
YTA
YTA
YTA
Yta
YTA. You wanting to "help" is not more important than your bf's preference. If he can communicate by himself just fine, why would you help him? If your "help" isn't wanted or needed it's not help. It's just you stroking your own ego.
YTA. He doesn’t always need your help. You act like he is useless and need you with him
YTA. And nobody stopped you from practicing but you. You literally could’ve just kept signing but you opened your mouth and it’s his issue? Also everything else people are saying.
YTA, way overstepping and you’re treating him like a child, it’s weird
YTA just because he is deaf doesn’t mean he is a fucking child.
YTA. You don’t get to decide when your boyfriend uses his primary form of communication.
YTA In what world does your boyfriend owe it to you to let you speak for him?
YTA. It’s not about you. It never was. You are not the main character. How condescending.
YTA. You messed up on so many levels.
You clearly know nothing about Deaf culture and should learn more about it.
YTA. Your bf has navigated the hearing world for 21 years without your help. He doesn’t need you to translate for him at all, unless he asks you for help. He is a perfectly capable adult. He doesn’t need you to treat him as a child.
OK, so YTA. You also sound like you have developed a saviour complex. Disabled people are still independent individuals who can navigate the world, especially when there accommodations in place like employees who can sign. You want to help? Only do so when he needs it. He's not helpless or incompetent....
YTA You didn't need to speak for him. He didn't need an interpreter at that point. He was capable of talking to someone who can also sign .
YTA. > He signed that he was not incompetent and that if he can directly talk to the employee why not. I signed that it would be nice to let me help. He signed that he only wants help when he needs it if its not needed I'm just being condescending and rude. He’s right. He doesn’t get the privilege that most of us have being able to communicate directly with almost everyone we encounter. For him to have to deny himself that so you can get some practice in would be very disheartening indeed. Apologise to your BF.
YTA but let's address the real issue here. Are you worried that there's nothing to your relationship except the fact that you're able to translate for him? Is that why you feel threatened when he doesn't need you to do that?
His not a baby, his a grown ass man n if he finds someone who he can sign to then let him!! You’re not his mother you’re his gf… grow the f up n stop over stepping!!!
YTA. Jeez, you're arrogant and controlling. You don't want your boyfriend to be independent. You want him to be dependent on you and you threw a tantrum that he dared to speak to someone. You just wanted to show off to everyone that you know sign language and that you're "helping" him because you're desperate for attention.
YTA. Imagine how hard it is for him to be able to communicate with the world. Now he is finally in an ideal situation where he can fully understand someone and they can fully understand him. That is probably such a rare situation for him that he was happy to have that opportunity. But you wanted to take it away from him and treat him like he’s not capable of telling the cashier his order, even though he was in a unique situation where he could actually communicate. You speaking for him is only beneficial for him when he is unable to speak for himself. Any time he can communicate independently he doesn’t need the help. Nobody acts help that they don’t need, especially if it makes them look incompetent.
YTA. So the very few people he can have a direct conversation with, you want to take away? You want to control this poor guy.
YTA - condescending AF. He had a rare opportunity to communicate directly with a cashier and you’re annoyed because you wanted to play the good girlfriend hero role.
YTA How DARE you put your desire to practice above his absolute right to the simple dignity of speaking for himself when he encounters someone else who signs? If he doesn't need help, you aren't helping but infantalizing him. Why do you want him dependent on you or to be seen as dependent on you?
YTA. This sounds like the first argument that ends in a very controlling and abusive relationship.
YTA He didn't need your help. If he had needed your help he would have asked. Stop infantilising your boyfriend.
You know that stereotype of the husband the orders for the wife? That’s you. The point of you helping is to help when he needs it. Why would it be wrong for him to take advantage of a situation where he doesn’t need help?
YTA. Why are you mad? Is it that your boyfriend found an oportunity to be indepenent, and you couldn’t play the savior? You’re mad that he’s not dependent on you? You’re mad that you weren’t part of a conversation that doesn’t really need you in it? I’m confused
YTA Imagine your bfs primary language was French and you speak both English and French. You arrive somewhere and someone speaks both English and French. But you expect them to only speak English and you'll translate instead of speaking French to your bf directly. It's giving "devotee" and since plenty of the deaf community don't feel they are disabled, only that they speak different language you are you going to make your bf feel lesser than if you keep up this nonsense. If someone speaks his language he should be able to speak it to them. It's controlling and creepy to demand all of his conversations go through you.
Yes, you overstepped and were rude. You wanted to infantilize him so you could help. As a person with a disability, it’s not always fun to have to ask for help. So when someone/some place is accessible, don’t undo that to play the hero. You should have been happy that someone else bothered to learn sign language. YTA!
YTA ,,,
Updateme
OP clear thing they are the main characters
ew. YTA.
YTA honestly I would break up with you after that. You care more about being needed than actually helping your boyfriend. Thats the only reason that can explain why you would be mad about him not turning to you to translate. Do you know how refreshing it is for deaf people when they meet a worker who knows sign language and they can communicate with them directly? You should have been happy for him instead of feeling like you weren’t needed anymore. Look into therapy.
Why in the world were you upset that your hearing impaired (HI) BF had a rare opportunity to communicate with a non-hearing impaired (NHI) individual? It's great that you are learning ASL, but if you want to practice, take a class, hang with your BF and his HI peers, utilize YouTube, check out support groups for NHI family/friends of HI...anything besides demoralizing and further isolating your BF with your good intentions. You were the AH here, but hopefully, it was just a one-time faux pas.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (21f) bf (21m) is deaf. Before we started dating I could kinda sign but since we started dating I have been trying to get better. I occasionally make mistakes he says but he says he completely understands me and I translate for him 99% of the time. We both got caught up with finals and other things and haven't been able to go on a date for a while. So i haven't been able to translate for him or be helpful for a while. Recently we went to a movie theater. We were signing as we went up to the counter to order food, and as we went to the employee he started signing to us. I immediately spoke and said I am hearing hes deaf. He apologized both in english and ASL. Everything else the employee said he did in both languages. He said oh I'm very sorry, I saw the two of you signing and assumed you were both deaf. Did he/do you want to order (referring to my bf) or will she order. He signed that he would order and told him what he wanted. I then told him what I wanted and after the movie I was a little angry and asked him why he ordered. He signed that if the employee knew ASL he could just order it would be easier. I signed but I was there I could help. I signed that I was practicing ASL just for him and that he should let me use it. He signed that he was not incompetent and that if he can directly talk to the employee why not. I signed that it would be nice to let me help. He signed that he only wants help when he needs it if its not needed I'm just being condescending and rude. We didn't sign the rest of the ride and we've been talking less. Starting to worry I overstepped and was rude. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft YTA I know you want to help but if employees can use sing I don't see why he can't order on his own. He your boyfriend not your 3 years old son .
If my 3 year old wanted to order something herself I'd let her - after all I have veto power if she asks for something ridiculous. And my 6 year old often does order for himself and, quite frankly, takes great pride in it. I don't understand OP's point of view at _all_.