Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone. We have a relationship focused sister sub, r/AITA_Relationships, as an alternative.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
See if your local hospital has a neo/post natal loss support group.
My therapist suggested one after losing my son, but I wasn't allowed for various reasons. It sucked.
I understand your grief. It took me roughly two years to feel like myself afterwards, on top of all the other crud going on in my life at the time.
Sending you healing vibes, OP. 💜
When my dad passed away, the hospice people offered anyone free grief counseling. They said it was for a year, but they said you could go as long as you needed it. They also had grief groups.
I hope most are better than the one we had when my father died in hospice. Their "grief counseling" consisted of a one page letter once a month explaining something about the grieving process, almost straight out of Kubler-Ross. It wasn't even personally signed, it was auto signed. I was furious every time one of those damn things came.
We always had people, licensed psychologists/social workers who specialized in bereavement. It's been a few years since I looked at it but as I recall by law a hospice team has to have a doctor, nurse, CNA, social worker/psychologist, and religious leader such as a pastor or rabbi.
I was offered it when both my parents passed and was told that I could come back if I ever needed it. Mu husbands work also has a program where we called it and when I told them about loosing a family member they were able to get me into some faster and for 10 sessions (I think)…
Same with my dad. It helped my stepmom greatly. She would t even get out of bed after he passed but their grief support group was a godsend for her. She can almost completely function again.
Totally agree - my best friend lost her daughter at 24 weeks along, so sending all the hugs to you because child loss is a horrendous thing.
I suggest looking into the Star Legacy Foundation - they have been a great resource for my bestie (and honestly all of us grieving with and for her) and offer lots of services like grief groups, counseling resources, etc.
I lost a very wanted pregnancy and my best friend continued with hers. Her baby was born a few weeks before mine was supposed to be. My loss was very traumatic in ways that, 15 years later? I am still working through with my therapist.
I get that it’s hard. It was so very hard when she called me to say that her son had been born. I didn’t know what to do or say and went on auto pilot.
But we were in all the same circles. Either I had to complete uproot my life and lose my support circle, or I had to figure out how to push through.
In the end, I decided that all babies are wonderful reminders of the goodness that exists in the world. My loss didn’t make her baby any more special. I was very lucky that she really understood. She let me come over and I help her baby and cried. I cried while holding that sweet precious human until I couldn’t cry anymore. In so many ways, my heart was entwined with that baby. Over the next weeks and months I help him and cried many more times. And slowly I started to heal.
Your reaction is very normal and understandable. But avoiding isn’t going to help. Therapy will, but there will be a point where you need to push the panic down and just power through and remember that all babies are gifts.
Yeah but a best friend is a lot closer than a cousin in law, so you probably had a bit more incentive (emotionally speaking) . I don’t blame her for waiting.
Dealing with trauma quickly and close to when it happens is vital for preventing ingraining trauma reactions.
Continuing to avoid the cousin in law and gatherings where she is, might well lead to a very strong long standing reaction.
Therapy is key.
It’s literally IMPOSSIBLE to deal with trauma quickly! As a mother who’s lost a child, this is completely normal and not at all a “long standing reaction” 🤦🏻♀️
I think by “deal with trauma quickly” they meant get into therapy as soon as you possibly can, and not to wait.
don’t think they meant to imply anyone can get over it quickly.
That’s what I took it as, starting therapy and getting help as soon as possible so that it wouldn’t seep into other aspects of life negatively for long periods of time.
I understand as someone who’s had several miscarriages that seeing those you love, and even strangers around you, pregnant when all you have are the memories (and in the case of OP, an urn) can be incredibly triggering. However at some point avoiding the cousin goes from being a healthy coping mechanism, to a harmful coping mechanism, and in my (not-a-therapist-don’t-even-play-one-on-TV) opinion, because she’s now missing events that the cousin may be at, like the upcoming one to celebrate her sister-in-law, it’s now reaching the harmful coping mechanism stage.
I understand you REALLY miss your child (I miss my children as well, it’s normal), but you saying that the waiting lists for therapists in your area are incredibly long makes me think of a few other options. If you’d prefer something more in-person/in your area, look up hospices and see if they’d be willing to let you join in their grief groups, otherwise I know there’s a website called Better Help and you can pretty much ALWAYS find a coupon to make things cheaper whether it be on something like Retailmenot or their website or even just random influencers and celebrities!
Here’s a link that has 11 different online therapies for grief!
https://www.verywellmind.com/grief-counseling-5217868
[edit:: spelling]
Addressing it quickly is key, but there's no real way to "deal with it" quickly. As long as OP is receiving therapy and actively working on her grief, there's no problem with her avoiding this significant trigger. Exposure therapy (having panic attacks at family gatherings) isn't going to help anyone right now.
I tried very hard for a baby and got pregnant. It turned out to be ectopic and I obviously lost it I had a cousin who got pregnant a few months later. I was so angry at her and the baby but after some time I let go of the anger. Her son is an amazing little human and I don't want to think about a world where he isn't in it. I had to figure all that out on my own and it takes time.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 34 weeks gestation and it took a couple years for me to get back to myself. I'm still not comfortable around babies or small children and I lost her in 2017. If they're fine I'm ok, but once they sound distressed I'm losing my mind. I've actually blacked out a couple times heading kids scream/cry.
And for anyone who asks, yes I'm in therapy. I'm rarely around children so haven't had much opportunity to deal with that aspect. Where I live is mostly older or sick people, not the types to have small kids. There are tourists sometimes with kids, but since we're known for ski slopes and hiking trails that's pretty rare as well. 12 is about the youngest for anyone to actually enjoy it here, and I have no issues with that age.
I lost my daughter at 19 weeks and 6 days. It was not easy to be around women with baby bumps etc. your grieving process is uniquely yours. The hospital I had my daughter at offered a loss support group for mothers and it has helped me a lot. I will say ignore your husband telling you to just get over it because it is not something that you just get over.
This isn't bad advice. You don't need to feel as though your emotions are not valid. They are not over the top, or out of line. Therapy can help you, but it would be very odd if you didn't have grief. I'm not sure what your husband is thinking, but he seems as though he could use some help processing his grief too. He should grieve his way, but he shouldn't tell you how to grieve.
Nta at all. You don't have to put yourself in that situation until or if you are ready. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss. Grief is love, and you should love however you can. I think some people forget that life is very difficult when some of your heart isn't with you anymore. I hope you and your husband can come to an understanding.
>I'm not sure what your husband is thinking, but he seems as though he could use some help processing his grief. He should grieve his way, but he shouldn't tell you how to grieve.
Part of it could be that the pregnancy wasn't "real" for him. For a lot of women, because it's our bodies, pregnancy, and the fact we are growing a human being inside of us becomes very real very fast, but because there is a physical disconnect for men it can take longer (for some it doesn't even hit until the baby is in their arms).
I had a MC (not a SB) but for my husband he wasn't grieving so much as struggling with guilt for not being able to protect me and our baby (even though there was nothing that he could have done).
I'm not excusing OPs husbands comment of "just get over it" just explaining that his emotions and perspective are probably different from OP (and a woman's in general). He definitely needs therapy not just for himself but also to help him understand that his perspective of what happened is different from OPs.
Have you tried online therapy? Like TalkSpace or I forget the names of the other ones, but they accept insurance, you can at least go that route while on your wait lists.
Why does everyone assume people are not seeing a therapist? Why does everyone assume a therapist is a cure-all for everything and fixes our mental problems at the drop of a dime? That's not how it works! Especially when you're grieving! No amount of therapy is going to get you over it that fast!
I suffer from severe depression and I am on two different forms of antidepressants. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I am still not fixed! I am 45 years old and I have been struggling almost my entire life! A therapist is not a cure-all and doesn't fix anyone instantly and half the time not at all.
I'm guessing people assume if OP was seeing a therapist, this is something they would be discussing / working through with them instead of asking Reddit if they are the AH. I feel like most people (not all!) know therapy isn't a magic bullet, but there are situations that might seem above the pay grade over whatever random Redditors are bored at school or work and scrolling through AITA. It looks like OP is not currently seeing a therapist though.
Sure.
Which says she's already on this, and the casual assumption that she hasn't pursued that is still misplaced.
Seriously.
This person just assumed that she isn't in therapy, and that it's as easy as that to find a therapist and have this "fixed".
Not how it works.
In which case how the hell would this comment have helped?
You need therapy.... Doesn't fix it if you aren't in therapy because you can't get it.
"Do you have a therapist?" Is a good way to open that conversation.
"Get therapy" assumes they don't already have it, and that they could, just like that. It also assumes that therapy would just ... Fix the issue.
It won't.
Grief takes time, even with the support of a good therapist.
Im proud of you for seeking help. If an appointment w a therapist is too long a wait there are online/in person grief and loss recovery groups that happen every day. Most are moderated by an actual grief counselor or therapist specializing in grief. Others are populated solely by people experiencing grief or profound loss, or recovering from it.
I can probably find an online group for you if you want help, just dm me.
Group therapy, for me, was way more effective than one on one. Usually free or less than ten dollars as well.
I wish you the very best.
I agree but I also want to add……that having control of when she decides to finally see the baby is a way to deal with grief.
It’s a control phase to suppress the feeling of being helpless to save the child.
Some people when they have lost a life within themselves that they loved and longed for, will often find one or two things to control. My friend owns a mortuary and she said that parents will often not pay the full bill because it gives them a reason to revisit the death and speak to someone that knows their loss and remembers it along with the person grieving. Not paying the last few hundred is a way to control the narrative and to feel like the rest of the world hasn’t forgotten their loss. Often times the parent is lonely and lashing out but coming into make payments lets them feel in control and lets them speak to people at the funeral home that know their grief all too well. It’s a coping mechanism for sure and not a natural one but she said they see it too often and know what the person usually needs attention wise.
NTA.
You're still grieving heavily, and being exposed to such a blatant reminder of what you've lost will only set you back at this point. It's disappointing that your husband can't see how hard this is for you!
It could be worth your while to find a therapist or support group that specializes in child loss and miscarriage. There are people who understand and can help you, and will back you up when it comes to you needing time and space.
I had temporary emergency counseling from OHSU right after he passed. I’m on waiting lists for a permanent therapist, in the meantime (I’m aware it’s not the same) I’ve joined Facebook groups designed for grieving mothers. Thank you.
It’s been hard for me to find a therapist in the area of OHSU as well. Most practices are filled or have a single opening with one person. Then you’re stuck with that therapist even if you don’t mesh well. One suggestion would be to attend a grief group in the area.
OP everyone processes grief differently and at their own pace. Hopefully your extended family understands and no, your husband shouldn’t push you to attend family gatherings you’re not ready for.
THIS. your loss, your trauma, your journey, your timeline. I agree therapy is imperative, but that doesn’t change anything else I said. NTA. Take care of yourself, my dear OP. Sending you healing love vibes 🥰💕✨✨ ((hugs))
Great Loss creates a great wounded and cannot be healed easily and instantly, but you can work through it… I don’t think you ever worked totally past it. And that’s OK. 🫶🏽
/r/askportland might have some good local support groups if that's something you might find helpful. People in this area tend to be really compassionate and supportive.
Sometimes groups like that can help but sometimes they can make our own trauma worse. Revisiting the sad all the time isn’t helpful. But if you’re getting useful support then that’s great
I’m in the pdx area and saw a great trauma counselor that is just starting her practice in the area so she has availability. Not sure if she is covered by OHSU insurance though. Dm me of you want her details.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t think there think is anything like the loss of a kid.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know all too well how difficult it is to get in to see a therapist, especially for grief. While I haven’t lost a baby I did lose my dad unexpectedly in October and I have had the hardest time finding a therapist in my area that is taking new clients and is a fit for my needs. It’s very frustrating. And to add, you get to decide when you are ready, if ever, to be around a baby that reminds you so much of the one you lost. NTA I’m sending you all of my love. (Also, try not to let the people simply commenting “you need a therapist” get to you. It’s advice on here that irks me to no end bc no one knows what you’ve tried, are attempting to try, etc.)
I did have a therapist that was given through OHSU when he passed, but they only can see you for a certain time, I’m on waiting lists to get a regular therapist but unfortunately they’re moving very slow.
The waiting list may be based on how your insurance works. Your insurance may pay for a specific type of therapist but the place you you're going to may not have the specific therapist. I need therapy for my mental illness and my insurance, unfortunately, works this way. If you have privacy and can be sure no one reads it, perhaps Journaling may help you temporarily. That's what I am doing.
NTA. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. You said you saw her and the baby at a bbq recently and it caused you so much pain that you had to leave. That is a pretty darn good indicator that you just aren't ready yet. You aren't trying to limit where your cousin and her child go, right? You aren't trying to forbid her from having her joy or from going to family functions, YOU are just avoiding seeing her, right? So, you, as the person with the problem, have done the responsible thing and managed YOUR triggers by avoiding the things that you know are upsetting to you, while at the same time doing your best not to spoil everyone else's fun. That sounds just fine to me. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Take your time, enjoy the child that you do have, and keep on keeping on.
That said, there's no reason your husband can't go to the party without you. He can and should still go celebrate his sister, even if you can't go.
I haven’t and won’t ask people to exclude her because of my feelings, that wouldn’t be fair, but he does think I’m being a jerk for not wanting to see her and her baby.
Your husband is the one being a jerk. You are grieving the loss of a child, he can't put a time limit on that. As long as you do the best you can to keep your grief from affecting the lives of other people, you do you.
My best friend had a stillborn baby many years ago who only lived 20 minutes. Her husband never met the baby (he wasn’t able to get to the hospital when she went into premature labour and in those days, they didn’t keep the baby) so to him, the baby didn’t seem real to him. She told me that although he tries, he doesn’t grieve the same way she still does. I've heard pregnancy loss isn’t the same for many fathers as the baby only becomes real for them with birth. Yes, I agree he should be more supportive with his wife even though he won’t be grieving the same way. Even though my husband and I lost an adult son at age 25, we recognized that we and our daughter all grieved differently.
This is an excellent and thoughtful comment, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to why OP and her husband are having a disconnect.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Sounds like he had a very kind and caring mama. Sending good thoughts to you and your family
I'd venture a guess that it's also different for the father because they weren't the ones who were literally creating that life inside them. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on you both physically and emotionally.
I wouldn’t say he is a jerk. Maybe he really doesn’t understand. Not trying to make excuses for him but some people seem to get over things easily and don’t understand why others can’t do the same. I have seen it with people I know who couldn’t understand me being upset over something for longer than they thought was reasonable. A friend to,d them that not everyone reacts the same.
To each their own. For me, it looks like he is making his wife feel bad about her grief despite the fact that she has been pretty reasonable in her efforts to make sure her grief doesn't effect other people. She doesn't try to exclude the other mother or the baby, she just doesn't go to things that they will be attending. She doesn't prevent her husband from going to these family events either, and was perfectly fine with leaving her husband and child at the bbq and coming back for them later, removing herself from her trigger without leaving her family high-and-dry without a ride home. She's being perfectly reasonable, and her husband, who theoretically is the father of this never-born child, is trying to make her feel like garbage about it. He doesn't need to feel and understand her exact feelings in order to respect her and met her process things at her own pace. Hence why I think he is a jerk.
If He doesn't understand he needs to shut t f up instead of shaming op. easy. Just keep his trap shut about her not going around the cousin and her baby. He and everyone else can do whatever
NTA op
Yes a lot of people who’ve never had a major loss don’t understand that there is no timetable on grief and say and do insensitive things. As well, our culture deals very poorly with death and grief
You’re 100% not a jerk. I’ll give him a bit of a pass if his grieving requires a different kind of moving forward than yours does, but he needs to back up and give you the space you need. I’ll bet the cousin isn’t fussed by you not being there, especially if you send her a text just letting her know you’re not mad at her, you just need more time to heal.
Or he could be a person who needs to try to make situations be surface-normal while he processes internally, and since that works for him he thinks it might help OP. He might be worried that OP will self-isolate and avoidance will become a habit. We can’t possibly know. Grief is a terrible multilayered journey that some people are able to navigate with less twisting and turning of paths. I’m glad for him that he’s ready to be there with his family, and I hope OP can do so as well without so much pain once she’s ready.
Your choice not to see them is about you and your grieving (and the trauma that seeing them brings up), it doesn't really have anything to do with them as people. He doesn't seem to see that. He also seems to think that looking nice is more important than your processing emotions. He should be trying to support you through this, not judging your trauma symptoms.
You are not a jerk. One of my best friends lost one of her twins at birth 11 years ago. In 2020, I got pregnant with twins and she couldn’t handle it, she had to separate herself from me. Although it hurt, we’d been friends for like 15 years at that point, I have always tried to be understanding about her feelings. I think your sister in law is hopefully as understanding and your husband stops being so rude. You take the time you need to heal, there’s no right or wrong way.
I would reframe it not that you don’t want to see them, it’s just currently seeing them causes too much pain. It doesn’t sound like you feel negatively toward them, it just makes you feel very sad right now.
There is an international support group called The Compassionate Friends. They are for people who have lost children, grandchildren, or siblings. They helped me a lot when my daughter died. If you google them, you may find a local chapter. Talking with other bereaved parents is so helpful. Everyone grieves differently, so you do what you need to do. Take care. ❤️
maybe he is grieving in his own way too, but _calling you a jerk is not helpful in any way._ it’s definitely not a motivating attitude. And people handle and show their grief in different ways. I think if you need some time take some time!
NAH but you really should seek professional help. Avoidance for your mental health has not necessarily helped you process your grief and it's now impacting your family and other relationships.
You're admitting in this post that a \*distant cousin\* of your husband's is preventing you from engaging in family gatherings. Something tells me that any time you see a similar-aged infant it's upsetting, for understandable reasons.
While your husband might not fully understand / is processing grief in his own way, do understand that without finding a way forward you are going to put strain on your marriage over time. You should get someone to help you process your grief. Your cousin-in-law's baby is going to keep living, keep having milestones, and existing. I know it's painful, but you'll need to figure out a way to cope with that.
While I agree with the comment you’re responding to, I do want to point out that this baby in particular would be about the same age as her child she lost.
I had a family member lose a newborn infant due to a medical condition the baby was born with, and another family member gave birth a few months prior. Even after close to 10 years, therapy, and a lot of coping, I know it still hurts them to see the child grow up to be the age their child would be, hitting milestones their own never will.
Right but there's a difference between all the babies out there and the other baby in the family due at the exact same time as the one you carried for just about half of a full pregnancy, ofc.
This. I had a distant friend that was pregnant a few months before me first my first pregnancy. I lost, she did not. I went in to lose 6 more in 2 years time.
Her kiddo was almost 6 before I could unblock her and participate in her life again. She had no hard feelings. I explained when invited to her baby shower, that it was just too much, too close. I couldn't see her baby without knowing everything I was missing from mine. She cried with me and said she was sorry. Then we went out seperate ways.
I saw many babies in that time frame, but only news of hers could pull my guts out all over again. It wasn't *her* nor was it *her baby*, that was upsetting... it was just too much of what I had lost too close too soon.
As someone who had similar triggers for two years after my losses it does lessen with time.
I couldn’t hear of people being pregnant or see babies without crying. It was hell. I was in therapy, I worked on it and it became easier.
And I stopped having those reactions. Because time does help.
And then a work mate brought her child in who would have been the same age as mine would have been and she was holding him. She put him down and he went off running, and I burst into tears. This was 3 years later. But god that one hurt.
It’s now been 10 years and zero issues but therapy isn’t just a magic fix all, it often takes time and that’s ok.
This is the part that makes me think that OP is a teeny weeny AH. It's not fair to keep harboring resentment at the cousin and/or baby and it's not logical to think a mother would not have her baby with her.
This is a reception party and a 4 month old. There are plenty of folks who would be using a babysitter for such an occasion (not me personally, but a lot of parents) so it isn't weird for OP to check in and see if the baby happens to be coming and make her own decision based on that
edit typo
NAH : Your mental health cannot be ready "with a finger snip" in this very moment.
However you need to work on this topic. No one asks of you to just forget your son, but 6 month + is a long time for not being able to be "around the other baby".
Avoiding the situation constantly will do you no good.
Its not a long time for still processing and grieving. It is a long time for having panic attacks around said baby and basically blaming them subconsiously for still being there while OP's baby very sadly isn't anymore. OP needs additional help and she also tries to get it currently.
She hasn’t blamed anyone and no it’s not a long time, I’ve lost a baby to SIDS. I avoided being around babies for almost a year, it took even longer for panic attacks and anxiety to finally not affect me around them. I also had cousins who had babies around the same time as me, and it was TORTURE being around their babies as it’s a reminder how all the experiences I should be having with my daughter. So no 6+ months is not a long time AT ALL.
Well losing a baby to SIDS is an order of magnitude different from a late term miscarriage. That said NTA. This is a very hard situation and she needs to protect herself. It can take a long time to get over a loss. People do it on different timelines.
I believe so - from what I have read it would be considered late term miscarriage until 20 to 24 weeks and after that it would be considered a stillbirth. It is tied into whether or not the baby would survive if delivered at that time as most doctors/hospitals will not medically intervene before 24 weeks gestation.
Oh I despised people like you when I was in the mist of the beginning of my grief. This is not the way to go. 6+ months is literally nothing. As someone who is more than 10 years out, just stop. What you are saying is not helpful
Some folks in this thread are going to have a real shock when they hit their first serious family tragedy and find out that, yeah, some stuff you just don’t ever get over all the way.
Yeah generally speaking almost any level of emotion within a year of the loss of a close loved one is considered normal. Only after a year would symptoms of persistent grief start being considered for mental health concerns like depression or something similar. In that first year all feelings are normal.
Yes. Back in the day, if you lost a spouse you wore black and mourned a year before people expected you to “snap out of it.” We are so cold today sometimes!
Losing a baby is hard. My sister and I ended up pregnant together, twice due within weeks of each other. I lost mine right away (12 weeks) and then she lost her’s (20 weeks) the first time. The second time, she lost her’s right away, I was so afraid to make plans, or even decorate the nursery. We thought we were ready, but her miscarriage triggered me. (It was 2 yrs later) I carried that baby to term and he’s my only one. My sister dotes on him now, but she struggled in the beginning. I didn’t push him on her and gave her time to heal. She couldn’t come to his first birthday… I got it! Grief is a weird thing. It’s not linear, you have good and bad days. I grieve my mom at random times. I grieve my son is an only child. Grief doesn’t have an end date it just gets easier to deal with.
She’s not blaming the baby. She can’t help but see her bay when looking at him. I saw my son in every baby I saw for years. I still sometimes find myself staring off at kids “his age” thinking what he would be like at 13. I couldn’t even think about holding someone’s baby without having a panic attack. It took me 12 years to hold another infant (though the panic didn’t last that long). Medical ptsd is a thing and you don’t tell someone “just do the thing and get over it.” Hopefully she can get into a therapist sooner than later to work through this. In the mean time putting herself into situations that trigger her and don’t have a good place to retreat to isn’t good for her grieving.
The baby in question was only born 3~months ago - she lost her baby six months ago, but it's only been three months since their shared due dates. And even then, six months is a very short period of time for this kind of grief.
I can't fairly judge here, I lost my son, he was 22. You need a grief therapist. Life doesn't stop when you lose a child, and it is the worst thing imaginable. I never stopped going to things because reminders, and EVERYTHING has reminders when you raise your child to young adulthood, and they pass. It is unfair to this cousin who truly did nothing wrong. It's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's also ok to heal. Your precious little baby wants you to be happy.
First of all: hugs if you want them. I lost my first pregnancy to Trisomy 18 and it absolutely fucking SUCKED. A few weeks after our loss I had another big loss and just shut down for a while.
I ended up going to grief counseling which was tremendously helpful in navigating all the feelings. I know you are trying to get with a regular therapist, so I'm crossing my fingers for you getting one quickly.
I had friends who had a baby as well and we kinda... slowly eased into it. Short bursts with escape built in so nobody was surprised by any big feels and I could dip out. It really helped to know everyone knew and supported me and that my feelings were okay and valid.
Your feelings are valid. The grief is real and agonizing and you are allowed to feel that. You will get through this and they will always live on in your heart, no matter what.
The lack of escape in these situations is what I noticed. The anxiety will pass but going to an event where it’s more disruptive to leave than not go at all isn’t a great idea, imo.
Thank you and much love to you and your family. Between the passage of time, loving supportive family aaaand a fair bit of therapy I'm at peace with it.
>I’ve decided for my mental health I don’t want to go around the baby until I’m ready.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with protecting your mental health. I only hope you are getting all the support you need including counseling if possible. What you've been through is no small thing and it will take time to go through the grieving process.
Your husband, on the other hand...
>My husband says it’s not fair to not go see her just because my son passed and hers didn’t and that I should just move on
He's TA here. That is a stunning lack of compassion he has on display. I'm so sorry.
He also phrases it as “her son”, not “our son”… I wonder if this example limited compassion or “othering” the problem by him is dragging her progress. He doesn’t sound that supportive
NAH but I think you need to work through this in therapy. I understand this child is more of a trigger because you were both expecting at the same time but sometimes life sucks and you have a toddler that is here and you need to get better for so you are not missing out on their life just to avoid seeing this other child
You're NTA, but you need some help separating your baby from her baby. I understand you were both pregnant at the same time, but you can't keep carrying this weight, plus you're putting your weight on her because you don't want to see her baby. You suffered a terrible loss and she did nothing wrong. You need counseling to get through your grief and she needs to not feel guilty or shunned because she has a baby.
NTA because you are grieving, but do you have this reaction to all babies, or just hers? If it's the latter, then the problem seems deeper than merely grief, as if you resent her having a baby when you did not. That's definitely something to sort out with a good therapist, and I wish you luck.
Just remember, your husband's cousin and her baby are blameless in all of this.
It’s not deeper than grief and it’s not resent. It’s 100% grief, a reminder of everything she’s missing out on and within the first year of losing her baby. Which is NORMAL
If the same reaction is also triggered by a stranger's baby at the park, yes this is normal. Or NORMAL if you insist. If it's confined to this cousin, that is something else.
I had 3 cousins have babies around the same time as me, when I lost my daughter at 7 weeks old, and I was barely existent in their lives until they were about 2. Not because I resented them, but because it hurt too much watching all their firsts I would never experience with my daughter. I still loved them from afar but it felt like my hear being torn out of chest to be around them and I missed my daughter.
No it’s not different. Grief isn’t just one thing with one manifestation. It involves a ton of different emotions and reactions that vary not only from person to person but death to death.
And this isn’t just some random stranger’s kid she doesn’t know anything about, but one who was on her same timetable but not experiencing the same loss. Of COURSE it’s hard for OP to want to be around this baby in particular.
NAH. Honestly, too many selfish people out there. I can’t imagine not understanding in the cousin’s shoes, even if it hurts my feelings, OP’s circumstances. She’s excusing herself - not forcing her husband and child to stay home or causing family drama by excluding the cousin and her child.
Your husband can choose to process his grief differently; maybe it helps him, being around the baby. Just because he’s done grieving doesn’t mean you have to be, too. Grief is not linear and *your experience was different to his* even if you *both* lost the same child.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to see an infant that is related to us, my husband thinks I’m an asshole for not wanting to see her because it might hurt his cousin’s feelings.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Please get counseling. Not because your grief is continuing. Especially since your husband is a jerk for saying "just move on." You need emotional support, not being forced to pretend to make others who are uncomfortable with your pain feel better.
I was at a graduation party for a relative when someone I didn't know walked up and handed me a tiny baby who seemed to be the age my child would have been if I hadn't miscarried some months prior. I almost dropped the poor thing in shock. Had no idea I'd react that way but would have said no thanks if asked. Gasped "take it", thrust baby at a nearby person, and fled to my car weeping. Had to go home. Cried all evening.
At least you know your limits. Do what you must to care for your mental health.
YTA, though one I can sympathise with. However, what happened to you is not her or the child's fault. plus, perhaps more importantly, avoidance is \*not\* a good mental coping practice. in fact, it's the worst thing you can do.
NAH?
Gentle YTA?
I can’t quite decide which.
You may never be ‘ready’ to see *that* baby/child but that’s something you need to work through and get help for.
I know it feels like people who haven’t experienced something like this are rubbing their luck/joy in your face, but they’re not.
That’s just grief tainting the bright spots.
I’ve been through something similar and because of it, I didn’t attend that particular baby’s 1st birthday party or babysit for her, but I didn’t avoid any event the baby (or any other baby) would be at.
You’re not a *classic* AH (but you might be being one to yourself by not working through this).
I don’t want you to let unmanaged grief turn you into one.
First off, let me say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your child, there is no pain worse than losing a child.
You are healing, you lost a part of you. I am understand that right now. You just can’t deal with another child. There’s no animosity there. Just heart wrenching sorrow. Take your time healing, there’s no set time that you have to be back to your old self again because it will never happen . I can say this was certainty. I lost my adult daughter 2 1/2 years ago and I am just now starting to come out of that fog.
I wish you the very best and all of this and I wish I could give you a hug
NTA - Do exactly what you need to do which includes not attending events.
I am so sorry your husband lacks insight and empathy. It is astonishing he said, "...it’s not fair to not go see her .... I should just move on." -- Furthermore it does not matter what he thinks what you think and feel is paramount.
Grief, loss, jealousy, resentment are normal reactions. Take care of you.
NAH. You feel how you feel, just realize it is all you and has nothing to do with her. You can't fault her or her child for existing. You need therapy, not reddit.
NTA. As a Mama to 7 angels, I feel you. Oh do I feel you. The grief of losing our precious babies is the toughest of all, in my opinion. A large part I feel is because they were REALLY REAL only to us. We felt them, we spoke to them, from the moment we knew they were there. We poured our love into them. To others it's not the same. A baby just isn't as real (especially to most men) until they can hold them. So they are not as attached to our children until they are born and can form a bond that way.
You allow yourself to grieve. You do what you need to do. He needs to support you and not tell you to get over, in my experience that honestly just made me grief longer. Because it broke my heart again feeling like no one on earth but me missed my child(ren).
You feel the big feelings, and let your body and mind do what it needs to do, to heal. I do hope you have joined a support group for Mama's who have lost babies and /or sought out therapy to help. Eventually you need to meet this baby, you need your family(all of them) that's where so much support comes from.
NTA. I have a friend who lost her baby a day after birth and she’s never met my now 8 month old because it would be too hard on her. I completely understand that and I’m not hurt, although sometimes I feel sad. You need to take care of
Yourself and if the people around you can’t understand that then surround yourself with different people
NTA- I lost my daughter at 7 weeks old due to SIDS. It took me months to even be around a baby, and years for it not to cause me a panic attack or anxiety.
Very very very gently YTA but that feels harsh still. I saw you’re looking for another therapist and I hope you find one soon. Because this shouldn’t controlling your life the way it is. If I were in your position I’d start to slowly work on desensitization. Eg say the baby’s name or look at a group photo the baby is in. Work your way up slowly.
I can understand why your husband feel frustrated, but we can’t predict grief. If you haven’t looked into grief counselling I think it could help. Good luck pal
I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to be experiencing grief and having someone in the family who was pregnant at the same time does not make it easier. May I kindly suggest a grief support group or therapy to support you. It is also possible to experience post-partum depression from miscarriage as well. Very few people talk about that. I went though four miscarriages and want you to have the most support possible.
Please see a grief counselor. So sorry this is your reality and the sadness will always be with you. You will have panic attacks each time you know someone is pregnant or you see a newborn. Please process through the grief with a trained therapist.
Nta.
My sil and mil left my baby shower, which could have been awkward because it was at mil’s house. A few guests thought it was weird or downright rude. My sil was a couple weeks ahead of me but lost hers in the first trimester. My other sils and I made sure everyone knew that there was a good reason why, it made perfect sense to all of the guests.
Another sil skipped Easter the year my second was born. He was four days old, she’d miscarried the day he was born. Yet another sil (I have 4, two had multiple miscarriages each) had a 3 week old at the time. She wasn’t ready to be around babies and that was just fine. I volunteered to stay home-I wasn’t enthusiastic about going anywhere that soon and it was her family, but the 3 week old’s mother did not.
Sometimes being around babies hurts, especially when they’d be so close in age.
You’re not throwing a fit and saying she shouldn’t be invited or talk or post about the baby, you’re just absenting yourself.
Your husband lacks empathy.
YTA. You need help this is not healthy at all. Your husband is right. What is your plan to avoid this child for the rest of their life? I wish you peace and healing. Good luck to you.
NTA. It’s very understandable that you’re still grieving and are unable to be around a child that was born so close to when you were supposed to give birth. I think it would probably be beneficial to find a therapist to talk to though. That could help you get to a place where you can be around your husbands cousin and her child quicker and give you tools to help channel your emotions and stop panic attacks when you do have to be around them.
NTA I've been in your shoes. I struggled with infertility and when I finally got pregnant, one of my best friends was also pregnant with her second and we would have had very close due dates. I miscarried early but it was so hard to see her as her pregnancy progressed and after she gave birth.
As you aren't asking anything of the cousin and are only taking yourself out of the situations, I think that is entirely fair.
NTA but only because you need help. You’re going to spend your whole life with family members having babies; all your friends having babies. None of that has anything to do with you.
NTA
But please don’t be mean to the person with the baby
My sister ignored my existence for years and it irreversibly hurt our relationship
Hard to have a relationship with someone when you KNOW they’ve been in therapy to stand being near you or your kid for YEARS and talks badly about you
I get she feels terrible cuz she “sacrificed” and did everything “right” and her “loser” sister had kids but damn, I’m not a bad person, my family just has less money
Just, there’s ways to be supportive without you having to be around them while you are grieving
I’m like 99% sure they don’t even know that I intentionally avoid them. Most of the time when I leave my husband just says I wasn’t feeling well etc. I don’t want her to feel bad, but I don’t want to feel bad either.
Then It’s totally fine, I do suggest getting therapy because tbh I don’t want you to go through what my sister has gone through
The bitterness has damaged her relationships with her adopted kids (she had them already for several years through her husband’s previous marriage)
That kind of hurt has to heal or it just spreads
NTA. Your baby was real, he was precious to you, and that loss is something no one who hasn’t lost a baby can understand.
I bought my lost son an O-jizo statue, and just its presence in my house helps me feel like I honoured him. O-jizo holds the soul of lost babies and is the deity that takes care of them on the journey to the afterlife. I don’t know if some sort of representation of your grief would help you.
I had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks, with my third/final pregnancy. I had to have a D&C. I never got to find out the gender.
My sister in law, my brother's wife, was pregnant the same time as me, also with her third/final pregnancy.
Yes, it was painful seeing her have a healthy, full term pregnancy and give birth to my niece, while my pregnancy went wrong. It was 17 years ago, and I still think about it almost every day.
I understand how you feel. I'm very sorry for your loss. You aren't the AH.
NTA - But you do owe it to yourself to seek a licensed therapist. It is not fair to you or your outside relationships to deny yourself this mental health care. While I can see why you are struggling, you do not want this to be the crutch you lean on forever because it is starting to affect and shape other relationships in your life based off of what you had stated.
NTA at all. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Second of all, everyone grieves differently - both in different ways and at different paces. I had three miscarriages and experienced similar situations. It was very difficult to go to my best friend’s baby shower a month later and then see multiple friends give birth over the next year. Therapy helped a lot and I would encourage you to find a therapist to help you process your grief. I also found the book “How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed” helpful personally.
I’m in a similar situation.
I think it’s fine to remove yourself from situations you aren’t okay with. You can’t ask the baby to be removed. But you can remove yourself. It’s okay not to be okay yet.
I didn’t have a miscarriage, I had TFMR, there’s not a lot of dedicated spots for us just due to the small amount of moms who go through this, I feel very out of place in stillborn/miscarriage threads just because those moms didn’t have to CHOOSE to have their babies pass, but I did. I don’t want to upset them and I don’t want to upset myself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband’s family is all getting together for a reception party for his sister. I let him know that I wouldn’t be going if his distant cousin was coming with her baby. For some context, me and his cousin were both pregnant at the same time, she was exactly 1 week ahead of me. My son passed when I was 18 weeks along due to some fetal abnormalities, we needed to get a termination for medical reasons. Obviously she was still pregnant, but every time I saw her I felt the uncontrollable urge to cry, seeing her get her baby bump, and all I had was an urn. Then the baby came. I’ve avoided seeing the baby on social media, I haven’t been mean or dismissing, I have just not wanted to look at the photos. She was at a barbecue the other day, and had her baby, I saw them and couldn’t help myself from having a panic attack and ended up having to leave. I left my husband and toddler there to enjoy themselves, and I went home and came back when they were ready to go home. I’ve decided for my mental health I don’t want to go around the baby until I’m ready. I feel it’s unfair to force me to be there when all I can feel when I’m around the baby is uncontrollable jealousy and sadness. My husband says it’s not fair to not go see her just because my son passed and hers didn’t and that I should just move on, but I feel like I still need to heal (for some context his due date was 03/08/2024 and he was born 10/11/2023) I feel like it’s reasonable to not be ready to see the baby because it hasn’t even been that long since I lost him, and I’m not ready to move on from him. I realize it has been almost a year, but he was my baby. So, am I the a-hole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
You don't have to push yourself if you don't want to or feel able to do so. There's no medal waiting for you. It doesn't heal anything and can amplify the pain you already feel. I know. I tried really hard. Stuffing your feelings to make others feel better just makes others feel better. But it leaves you in the rubble. Alone. Because they want you to feel better so they feel better. So everyone's feeling better, but you feel worse and more alone.
Just because your husband isn't grieving the same as you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Husband needs to be supporting you. Not dismissing you.
NTA. But I do wonder if you’re doing anything to work on the reactions you’re having to seeing a baby in public. I feel like you’d benefit from some therapy right now. Wishing you well.
NTA you are still processing everything plus you are handling it pretty well(by this i mean not making it everyone else’s problem and knowing when you are going past ur emotional limit) husband is fussing for no reason!
I'm sorry for your loss. Your wounds are still quite fresh, and it can take as long as needed to heal from a traumatic loss, especially when another is welcoming a healthy baby. Have you been referred to a grief counselor yet? There are counselors that specialize in miscarriages and child death. Your husband should be more understanding.
Oh I have been here and my son was stillborn due to his birth defects 10 years ago on 3/7. I had to unfollow friends whose kids were the same age. It’s not being an asshole to protect your peace here. It took me a long time to work through my grief. This is still really really fresh and idk about you but a lot of people around me thought I should be over it by like month 3. Let yourself grieve, it’s the best thing you can do.
My sister and I were both pregnant, due about a week apart. My daughter was premature and stillborn due to fetal abnormalities; her son was fine and is now a senior in high school.
It took me a long time to grieve. I didn’t even realize the full time because I felt like I was functioning, but looking back I was still grieving. It was probably 5 years before I felt normal and could look back and see how I hadn’t been normal for a long time. I was fortunate because my sister was so gentle; she grieved with me and always wished my daughter a happy birthday, even when others forgot. I was always able to look at her son and think “that’s what my girl would be doing now, too” without it being awful, even though I ached and grieved, too.
You get to grieve and protect your mental and emotional well-being for as long as it takes. Make sure you’re talking to a therapist - I didn’t know I needed one and would’ve benefitted from it. You don’t need to “get over” anything or “move past” anything. Grief isn’t a problem; it’s just a healing stage to move through. You don’t need to forget your son or act like he didn’t exist or isn’t important, because he is. Let yourself heal. You will.
NAH. A year isn't a long time to grieve a loss that significant. Having said that, I echo everyone elses sentiment about needing therapy. You said you are seeing a therapist and that is great. Your therapist knows best but my gut is saying you won't ever feel "ready" to see the baby. You might have to talk to the cousin about how you feel and suggest meeting them and their baby in a more relaxed setting so you can start to get accustomed to the situation. It will be difficult in the long run for your family if you can't go to any events with that cousin.
Absolutely NTA!
My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, would have been just a couple weeks apart. I lost my pregnancy at 7 and 8 weeks (twins). It was so so hard to be around her when her baby was born. The first couple years I really had to limit my time around them. Fortunately my husband was very supportive and understanding. It’s been almost 6 years now and I’m 99% ok. But even now there are times that I watch my nibling play and just wonder about my babies and it stings.
Even if your loss was last October it’s still so incredibly fresh. You’ve just barely passed your due date. You deserve time and space to continue to grieve. And you’ve done nothing to put your pain or grief on cousin other than keeping space. And that’s the most respectful thing you could do for either of you.
I had this very same situation. My sister, and my best friend (at the time) were pregnant and I lost my pregnancy. And they kept theirs. I know your pain. It’s like you’re happy for them, but seeing the baby and knowing yours would be about the same age. The heartbreak never goes away. It’s been 13 years and it’s still sad sometimes. I didn’t get a rainbow baby. AND I had to throw a shower for my best friend just months after I lost mine. It was awful.
Take your time. Heal. Talk to his cousin and just tell her the truth. If she is a half decent human she’ll understand.
I am so very very sorry for your loss.
There are not enough resources for couples who have miscarriages. Just not enough care. I'm so sorry you had this happen, and I would urge you in the strongest way to get to a therapist. There are many who focus on this particular issue.
Take care of yourself.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone. We have a relationship focused sister sub, r/AITA_Relationships, as an alternative. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You need to see a therapist.
I have, and am actively attempting to get a regular one, but due to wait times and new patient issues I’m on several waiting/cancellation lists.
See if your local hospital has a neo/post natal loss support group. My therapist suggested one after losing my son, but I wasn't allowed for various reasons. It sucked. I understand your grief. It took me roughly two years to feel like myself afterwards, on top of all the other crud going on in my life at the time. Sending you healing vibes, OP. 💜
Hospices have bereavement counseling and many offer services for people even if their loved one didn’t die with their hospice.
When my dad passed away, the hospice people offered anyone free grief counseling. They said it was for a year, but they said you could go as long as you needed it. They also had grief groups.
I’ve been a hospice doc (on and off) for 25+ years and every hospice I’ve worked at offered free bereavement counseling for pretty much anyone.
I hope most are better than the one we had when my father died in hospice. Their "grief counseling" consisted of a one page letter once a month explaining something about the grieving process, almost straight out of Kubler-Ross. It wasn't even personally signed, it was auto signed. I was furious every time one of those damn things came.
We always had people, licensed psychologists/social workers who specialized in bereavement. It's been a few years since I looked at it but as I recall by law a hospice team has to have a doctor, nurse, CNA, social worker/psychologist, and religious leader such as a pastor or rabbi.
they had them, but the social worker did exactly what I just related. A form letter, not even a real signature was their idea of grief counseling.
Chewy did better when my dog passed. I got a card with actual signatures in it from both Chewy and my vet.
I was offered it when both my parents passed and was told that I could come back if I ever needed it. Mu husbands work also has a program where we called it and when I told them about loosing a family member they were able to get me into some faster and for 10 sessions (I think)…
Same with my dad. It helped my stepmom greatly. She would t even get out of bed after he passed but their grief support group was a godsend for her. She can almost completely function again.
No, NTA at all. Your feelings are your feelings.
This right here! Many places offer free bereavement counseling.
your OB may know support groups as well.
Totally agree - my best friend lost her daughter at 24 weeks along, so sending all the hugs to you because child loss is a horrendous thing. I suggest looking into the Star Legacy Foundation - they have been a great resource for my bestie (and honestly all of us grieving with and for her) and offer lots of services like grief groups, counseling resources, etc.
I lost a very wanted pregnancy and my best friend continued with hers. Her baby was born a few weeks before mine was supposed to be. My loss was very traumatic in ways that, 15 years later? I am still working through with my therapist. I get that it’s hard. It was so very hard when she called me to say that her son had been born. I didn’t know what to do or say and went on auto pilot. But we were in all the same circles. Either I had to complete uproot my life and lose my support circle, or I had to figure out how to push through. In the end, I decided that all babies are wonderful reminders of the goodness that exists in the world. My loss didn’t make her baby any more special. I was very lucky that she really understood. She let me come over and I help her baby and cried. I cried while holding that sweet precious human until I couldn’t cry anymore. In so many ways, my heart was entwined with that baby. Over the next weeks and months I help him and cried many more times. And slowly I started to heal. Your reaction is very normal and understandable. But avoiding isn’t going to help. Therapy will, but there will be a point where you need to push the panic down and just power through and remember that all babies are gifts.
Yeah but a best friend is a lot closer than a cousin in law, so you probably had a bit more incentive (emotionally speaking) . I don’t blame her for waiting.
Dealing with trauma quickly and close to when it happens is vital for preventing ingraining trauma reactions. Continuing to avoid the cousin in law and gatherings where she is, might well lead to a very strong long standing reaction. Therapy is key.
It’s literally IMPOSSIBLE to deal with trauma quickly! As a mother who’s lost a child, this is completely normal and not at all a “long standing reaction” 🤦🏻♀️
I think by “deal with trauma quickly” they meant get into therapy as soon as you possibly can, and not to wait. don’t think they meant to imply anyone can get over it quickly.
That’s what I took it as, starting therapy and getting help as soon as possible so that it wouldn’t seep into other aspects of life negatively for long periods of time. I understand as someone who’s had several miscarriages that seeing those you love, and even strangers around you, pregnant when all you have are the memories (and in the case of OP, an urn) can be incredibly triggering. However at some point avoiding the cousin goes from being a healthy coping mechanism, to a harmful coping mechanism, and in my (not-a-therapist-don’t-even-play-one-on-TV) opinion, because she’s now missing events that the cousin may be at, like the upcoming one to celebrate her sister-in-law, it’s now reaching the harmful coping mechanism stage. I understand you REALLY miss your child (I miss my children as well, it’s normal), but you saying that the waiting lists for therapists in your area are incredibly long makes me think of a few other options. If you’d prefer something more in-person/in your area, look up hospices and see if they’d be willing to let you join in their grief groups, otherwise I know there’s a website called Better Help and you can pretty much ALWAYS find a coupon to make things cheaper whether it be on something like Retailmenot or their website or even just random influencers and celebrities! Here’s a link that has 11 different online therapies for grief! https://www.verywellmind.com/grief-counseling-5217868 [edit:: spelling]
Also see if insurance has online therapy options. I’m using that through ours
They just mean that getting into therapy for trauma asap after it happens is associated with better outcomes.
Addressing it quickly is key, but there's no real way to "deal with it" quickly. As long as OP is receiving therapy and actively working on her grief, there's no problem with her avoiding this significant trigger. Exposure therapy (having panic attacks at family gatherings) isn't going to help anyone right now.
Your best friend is a keeper. I'm so glad for you that she had the grace to help you process some of your grief.
I tried very hard for a baby and got pregnant. It turned out to be ectopic and I obviously lost it I had a cousin who got pregnant a few months later. I was so angry at her and the baby but after some time I let go of the anger. Her son is an amazing little human and I don't want to think about a world where he isn't in it. I had to figure all that out on my own and it takes time.
How beautifully you wrote this! Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 34 weeks gestation and it took a couple years for me to get back to myself. I'm still not comfortable around babies or small children and I lost her in 2017. If they're fine I'm ok, but once they sound distressed I'm losing my mind. I've actually blacked out a couple times heading kids scream/cry. And for anyone who asks, yes I'm in therapy. I'm rarely around children so haven't had much opportunity to deal with that aspect. Where I live is mostly older or sick people, not the types to have small kids. There are tourists sometimes with kids, but since we're known for ski slopes and hiking trails that's pretty rare as well. 12 is about the youngest for anyone to actually enjoy it here, and I have no issues with that age.
Just to add, the TFMR support Reddit (i don’t know how to link it) is a phenomenal support group!🤍 from one TFMR mama to another! 🫶🏼
Try virtual/ video consultations and online support groups to at least get you started. So sorry for your loss.
I lost my daughter at 19 weeks and 6 days. It was not easy to be around women with baby bumps etc. your grieving process is uniquely yours. The hospital I had my daughter at offered a loss support group for mothers and it has helped me a lot. I will say ignore your husband telling you to just get over it because it is not something that you just get over.
This isn't bad advice. You don't need to feel as though your emotions are not valid. They are not over the top, or out of line. Therapy can help you, but it would be very odd if you didn't have grief. I'm not sure what your husband is thinking, but he seems as though he could use some help processing his grief too. He should grieve his way, but he shouldn't tell you how to grieve. Nta at all. You don't have to put yourself in that situation until or if you are ready. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss. Grief is love, and you should love however you can. I think some people forget that life is very difficult when some of your heart isn't with you anymore. I hope you and your husband can come to an understanding.
>I'm not sure what your husband is thinking, but he seems as though he could use some help processing his grief. He should grieve his way, but he shouldn't tell you how to grieve. Part of it could be that the pregnancy wasn't "real" for him. For a lot of women, because it's our bodies, pregnancy, and the fact we are growing a human being inside of us becomes very real very fast, but because there is a physical disconnect for men it can take longer (for some it doesn't even hit until the baby is in their arms). I had a MC (not a SB) but for my husband he wasn't grieving so much as struggling with guilt for not being able to protect me and our baby (even though there was nothing that he could have done). I'm not excusing OPs husbands comment of "just get over it" just explaining that his emotions and perspective are probably different from OP (and a woman's in general). He definitely needs therapy not just for himself but also to help him understand that his perspective of what happened is different from OPs.
Grieving a miscarriage at 18 weeks is horribly painful. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I found the best therapists from our local bereavement center.
Have you tried online therapy? Like TalkSpace or I forget the names of the other ones, but they accept insurance, you can at least go that route while on your wait lists.
These folks can connect you to a provider who specializes in this and will get you in sooner https://www.postpartum.net
Why does everyone assume people are not seeing a therapist? Why does everyone assume a therapist is a cure-all for everything and fixes our mental problems at the drop of a dime? That's not how it works! Especially when you're grieving! No amount of therapy is going to get you over it that fast! I suffer from severe depression and I am on two different forms of antidepressants. I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I am still not fixed! I am 45 years old and I have been struggling almost my entire life! A therapist is not a cure-all and doesn't fix anyone instantly and half the time not at all.
You are making a lot of assumptions in your post, and projecting quite a bit. Few if any are making the assumptions you are accusing them of.
I'm guessing people assume if OP was seeing a therapist, this is something they would be discussing / working through with them instead of asking Reddit if they are the AH. I feel like most people (not all!) know therapy isn't a magic bullet, but there are situations that might seem above the pay grade over whatever random Redditors are bored at school or work and scrolling through AITA. It looks like OP is not currently seeing a therapist though.
Chronic depression and bereavement are different things…very different.
Okay but is she an asshole who needs to see a therapist or not an asshole who needs to see a therapist?
Oh sorry...because of what she has been through I would say NTA
None of those last comments will make her feel any better and are not helpful to anyone.
Obviously. That doesn't just fix it though. We're you imagining anyone with that level of grief *isn't* in therapy?!?!?
Not everyone has easy access to therapy. OP said she's on multiple waiting lists for a therapist.
Sure. Which says she's already on this, and the casual assumption that she hasn't pursued that is still misplaced. Seriously. This person just assumed that she isn't in therapy, and that it's as easy as that to find a therapist and have this "fixed". Not how it works.
Sure. Doesn't make your assumption that there are no people going through this grief without the help of a therapist correct, but sure.
There are plenty of people who can't afford therapy.
In which case how the hell would this comment have helped? You need therapy.... Doesn't fix it if you aren't in therapy because you can't get it. "Do you have a therapist?" Is a good way to open that conversation. "Get therapy" assumes they don't already have it, and that they could, just like that. It also assumes that therapy would just ... Fix the issue. It won't. Grief takes time, even with the support of a good therapist.
Right - but nothing reddit says is going to fix it either, so therapy is still the best answer Reddit can give her.
Im proud of you for seeking help. If an appointment w a therapist is too long a wait there are online/in person grief and loss recovery groups that happen every day. Most are moderated by an actual grief counselor or therapist specializing in grief. Others are populated solely by people experiencing grief or profound loss, or recovering from it. I can probably find an online group for you if you want help, just dm me. Group therapy, for me, was way more effective than one on one. Usually free or less than ten dollars as well. I wish you the very best.
I agree but I also want to add……that having control of when she decides to finally see the baby is a way to deal with grief. It’s a control phase to suppress the feeling of being helpless to save the child. Some people when they have lost a life within themselves that they loved and longed for, will often find one or two things to control. My friend owns a mortuary and she said that parents will often not pay the full bill because it gives them a reason to revisit the death and speak to someone that knows their loss and remembers it along with the person grieving. Not paying the last few hundred is a way to control the narrative and to feel like the rest of the world hasn’t forgotten their loss. Often times the parent is lonely and lashing out but coming into make payments lets them feel in control and lets them speak to people at the funeral home that know their grief all too well. It’s a coping mechanism for sure and not a natural one but she said they see it too often and know what the person usually needs attention wise.
NTA. You're still grieving heavily, and being exposed to such a blatant reminder of what you've lost will only set you back at this point. It's disappointing that your husband can't see how hard this is for you! It could be worth your while to find a therapist or support group that specializes in child loss and miscarriage. There are people who understand and can help you, and will back you up when it comes to you needing time and space.
I had temporary emergency counseling from OHSU right after he passed. I’m on waiting lists for a permanent therapist, in the meantime (I’m aware it’s not the same) I’ve joined Facebook groups designed for grieving mothers. Thank you.
I highly recommend some EMDR therapy if you can find someone that provides it. I’m very sorry for your loss and NTA.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. EMDR really helped me.
I agree with this too. It helped me.
I hope you get consistent help soon. It's really hard. NTA
It’s been hard for me to find a therapist in the area of OHSU as well. Most practices are filled or have a single opening with one person. Then you’re stuck with that therapist even if you don’t mesh well. One suggestion would be to attend a grief group in the area.
OP everyone processes grief differently and at their own pace. Hopefully your extended family understands and no, your husband shouldn’t push you to attend family gatherings you’re not ready for.
THIS. your loss, your trauma, your journey, your timeline. I agree therapy is imperative, but that doesn’t change anything else I said. NTA. Take care of yourself, my dear OP. Sending you healing love vibes 🥰💕✨✨ ((hugs)) Great Loss creates a great wounded and cannot be healed easily and instantly, but you can work through it… I don’t think you ever worked totally past it. And that’s OK. 🫶🏽
/r/askportland might have some good local support groups if that's something you might find helpful. People in this area tend to be really compassionate and supportive.
I saw OHSU-does that mean Portland? I'm a therapist in town and would be happy to help get you in to see a therapist! Feel free to message me.
Sometimes groups like that can help but sometimes they can make our own trauma worse. Revisiting the sad all the time isn’t helpful. But if you’re getting useful support then that’s great
I’m in the pdx area and saw a great trauma counselor that is just starting her practice in the area so she has availability. Not sure if she is covered by OHSU insurance though. Dm me of you want her details. I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t think there think is anything like the loss of a kid.
I am so sorry for your loss. It will take time to recover.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know all too well how difficult it is to get in to see a therapist, especially for grief. While I haven’t lost a baby I did lose my dad unexpectedly in October and I have had the hardest time finding a therapist in my area that is taking new clients and is a fit for my needs. It’s very frustrating. And to add, you get to decide when you are ready, if ever, to be around a baby that reminds you so much of the one you lost. NTA I’m sending you all of my love. (Also, try not to let the people simply commenting “you need a therapist” get to you. It’s advice on here that irks me to no end bc no one knows what you’ve tried, are attempting to try, etc.)
It sounds like you need to speak with a therapist, and not just "wait for yourself to be ready".
I did have a therapist that was given through OHSU when he passed, but they only can see you for a certain time, I’m on waiting lists to get a regular therapist but unfortunately they’re moving very slow.
The waiting list may be based on how your insurance works. Your insurance may pay for a specific type of therapist but the place you you're going to may not have the specific therapist. I need therapy for my mental illness and my insurance, unfortunately, works this way. If you have privacy and can be sure no one reads it, perhaps Journaling may help you temporarily. That's what I am doing.
NTA. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. You said you saw her and the baby at a bbq recently and it caused you so much pain that you had to leave. That is a pretty darn good indicator that you just aren't ready yet. You aren't trying to limit where your cousin and her child go, right? You aren't trying to forbid her from having her joy or from going to family functions, YOU are just avoiding seeing her, right? So, you, as the person with the problem, have done the responsible thing and managed YOUR triggers by avoiding the things that you know are upsetting to you, while at the same time doing your best not to spoil everyone else's fun. That sounds just fine to me. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Take your time, enjoy the child that you do have, and keep on keeping on. That said, there's no reason your husband can't go to the party without you. He can and should still go celebrate his sister, even if you can't go.
I haven’t and won’t ask people to exclude her because of my feelings, that wouldn’t be fair, but he does think I’m being a jerk for not wanting to see her and her baby.
Your husband is the one being a jerk. You are grieving the loss of a child, he can't put a time limit on that. As long as you do the best you can to keep your grief from affecting the lives of other people, you do you.
My best friend had a stillborn baby many years ago who only lived 20 minutes. Her husband never met the baby (he wasn’t able to get to the hospital when she went into premature labour and in those days, they didn’t keep the baby) so to him, the baby didn’t seem real to him. She told me that although he tries, he doesn’t grieve the same way she still does. I've heard pregnancy loss isn’t the same for many fathers as the baby only becomes real for them with birth. Yes, I agree he should be more supportive with his wife even though he won’t be grieving the same way. Even though my husband and I lost an adult son at age 25, we recognized that we and our daughter all grieved differently.
This is an excellent and thoughtful comment, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to why OP and her husband are having a disconnect. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Sounds like he had a very kind and caring mama. Sending good thoughts to you and your family
I'd venture a guess that it's also different for the father because they weren't the ones who were literally creating that life inside them. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on you both physically and emotionally.
I wouldn’t say he is a jerk. Maybe he really doesn’t understand. Not trying to make excuses for him but some people seem to get over things easily and don’t understand why others can’t do the same. I have seen it with people I know who couldn’t understand me being upset over something for longer than they thought was reasonable. A friend to,d them that not everyone reacts the same.
To each their own. For me, it looks like he is making his wife feel bad about her grief despite the fact that she has been pretty reasonable in her efforts to make sure her grief doesn't effect other people. She doesn't try to exclude the other mother or the baby, she just doesn't go to things that they will be attending. She doesn't prevent her husband from going to these family events either, and was perfectly fine with leaving her husband and child at the bbq and coming back for them later, removing herself from her trigger without leaving her family high-and-dry without a ride home. She's being perfectly reasonable, and her husband, who theoretically is the father of this never-born child, is trying to make her feel like garbage about it. He doesn't need to feel and understand her exact feelings in order to respect her and met her process things at her own pace. Hence why I think he is a jerk.
If He doesn't understand he needs to shut t f up instead of shaming op. easy. Just keep his trap shut about her not going around the cousin and her baby. He and everyone else can do whatever NTA op
Yes a lot of people who’ve never had a major loss don’t understand that there is no timetable on grief and say and do insensitive things. As well, our culture deals very poorly with death and grief
He crossed over into jerk territory when he called her a jerk (or in anyway criticized her) for not wanting to be around the baby at this point
Agreed. He says she lost “her baby” not “our baby”… poor OP is probably feeling isolated with that limited support from her own husband
You’re 100% not a jerk. I’ll give him a bit of a pass if his grieving requires a different kind of moving forward than yours does, but he needs to back up and give you the space you need. I’ll bet the cousin isn’t fussed by you not being there, especially if you send her a text just letting her know you’re not mad at her, you just need more time to heal.
It sounds more like he's just suppressing it and expecting OP to do the same...
Or he could be a person who needs to try to make situations be surface-normal while he processes internally, and since that works for him he thinks it might help OP. He might be worried that OP will self-isolate and avoidance will become a habit. We can’t possibly know. Grief is a terrible multilayered journey that some people are able to navigate with less twisting and turning of paths. I’m glad for him that he’s ready to be there with his family, and I hope OP can do so as well without so much pain once she’s ready.
Your choice not to see them is about you and your grieving (and the trauma that seeing them brings up), it doesn't really have anything to do with them as people. He doesn't seem to see that. He also seems to think that looking nice is more important than your processing emotions. He should be trying to support you through this, not judging your trauma symptoms.
You are not a jerk. One of my best friends lost one of her twins at birth 11 years ago. In 2020, I got pregnant with twins and she couldn’t handle it, she had to separate herself from me. Although it hurt, we’d been friends for like 15 years at that point, I have always tried to be understanding about her feelings. I think your sister in law is hopefully as understanding and your husband stops being so rude. You take the time you need to heal, there’s no right or wrong way.
I would reframe it not that you don’t want to see them, it’s just currently seeing them causes too much pain. It doesn’t sound like you feel negatively toward them, it just makes you feel very sad right now.
There is an international support group called The Compassionate Friends. They are for people who have lost children, grandchildren, or siblings. They helped me a lot when my daughter died. If you google them, you may find a local chapter. Talking with other bereaved parents is so helpful. Everyone grieves differently, so you do what you need to do. Take care. ❤️
maybe he is grieving in his own way too, but _calling you a jerk is not helpful in any way._ it’s definitely not a motivating attitude. And people handle and show their grief in different ways. I think if you need some time take some time!
NAH but you really should seek professional help. Avoidance for your mental health has not necessarily helped you process your grief and it's now impacting your family and other relationships. You're admitting in this post that a \*distant cousin\* of your husband's is preventing you from engaging in family gatherings. Something tells me that any time you see a similar-aged infant it's upsetting, for understandable reasons. While your husband might not fully understand / is processing grief in his own way, do understand that without finding a way forward you are going to put strain on your marriage over time. You should get someone to help you process your grief. Your cousin-in-law's baby is going to keep living, keep having milestones, and existing. I know it's painful, but you'll need to figure out a way to cope with that.
Not to mention babies are everywhere. You're gonna see them from time to time.
While I agree with the comment you’re responding to, I do want to point out that this baby in particular would be about the same age as her child she lost. I had a family member lose a newborn infant due to a medical condition the baby was born with, and another family member gave birth a few months prior. Even after close to 10 years, therapy, and a lot of coping, I know it still hurts them to see the child grow up to be the age their child would be, hitting milestones their own never will.
Right but there's a difference between all the babies out there and the other baby in the family due at the exact same time as the one you carried for just about half of a full pregnancy, ofc.
This. I had a distant friend that was pregnant a few months before me first my first pregnancy. I lost, she did not. I went in to lose 6 more in 2 years time. Her kiddo was almost 6 before I could unblock her and participate in her life again. She had no hard feelings. I explained when invited to her baby shower, that it was just too much, too close. I couldn't see her baby without knowing everything I was missing from mine. She cried with me and said she was sorry. Then we went out seperate ways. I saw many babies in that time frame, but only news of hers could pull my guts out all over again. It wasn't *her* nor was it *her baby*, that was upsetting... it was just too much of what I had lost too close too soon.
As someone who had similar triggers for two years after my losses it does lessen with time. I couldn’t hear of people being pregnant or see babies without crying. It was hell. I was in therapy, I worked on it and it became easier. And I stopped having those reactions. Because time does help. And then a work mate brought her child in who would have been the same age as mine would have been and she was holding him. She put him down and he went off running, and I burst into tears. This was 3 years later. But god that one hurt. It’s now been 10 years and zero issues but therapy isn’t just a magic fix all, it often takes time and that’s ok.
OP has said in some other replies that they are in the waiting list for several therapists.
As long as you aren't seeking for her to be banned and it is just you not going... NTA.
Yes, I don’t want them to tell her she’s not allowed to come just for my sake, I’m just choosing not to go if she does bring the baby.
When would a new mother NOT bring her baby? I'm sorry but you need therapy...
This is the part that makes me think that OP is a teeny weeny AH. It's not fair to keep harboring resentment at the cousin and/or baby and it's not logical to think a mother would not have her baby with her.
This is a reception party and a 4 month old. There are plenty of folks who would be using a babysitter for such an occasion (not me personally, but a lot of parents) so it isn't weird for OP to check in and see if the baby happens to be coming and make her own decision based on that edit typo
NAH : Your mental health cannot be ready "with a finger snip" in this very moment. However you need to work on this topic. No one asks of you to just forget your son, but 6 month + is a long time for not being able to be "around the other baby". Avoiding the situation constantly will do you no good.
6+ months is NOT a long time at all ESPECIALLY after losing a child.
Its not a long time for still processing and grieving. It is a long time for having panic attacks around said baby and basically blaming them subconsiously for still being there while OP's baby very sadly isn't anymore. OP needs additional help and she also tries to get it currently.
She hasn’t blamed anyone and no it’s not a long time, I’ve lost a baby to SIDS. I avoided being around babies for almost a year, it took even longer for panic attacks and anxiety to finally not affect me around them. I also had cousins who had babies around the same time as me, and it was TORTURE being around their babies as it’s a reminder how all the experiences I should be having with my daughter. So no 6+ months is not a long time AT ALL.
Well losing a baby to SIDS is an order of magnitude different from a late term miscarriage. That said NTA. This is a very hard situation and she needs to protect herself. It can take a long time to get over a loss. People do it on different timelines.
Is 18 weeks considered a late term miscarriage?
I believe so - from what I have read it would be considered late term miscarriage until 20 to 24 weeks and after that it would be considered a stillbirth. It is tied into whether or not the baby would survive if delivered at that time as most doctors/hospitals will not medically intervene before 24 weeks gestation.
SIDS loss is terrible. I’m sorry you went through that.
Oh I despised people like you when I was in the mist of the beginning of my grief. This is not the way to go. 6+ months is literally nothing. As someone who is more than 10 years out, just stop. What you are saying is not helpful
Some folks in this thread are going to have a real shock when they hit their first serious family tragedy and find out that, yeah, some stuff you just don’t ever get over all the way.
Right? Oof or they will force themselves over it and do more harm that way. Bc it does have its way of knocking you on your butt one way or another
Yeah generally speaking almost any level of emotion within a year of the loss of a close loved one is considered normal. Only after a year would symptoms of persistent grief start being considered for mental health concerns like depression or something similar. In that first year all feelings are normal.
[удалено]
Yes. Back in the day, if you lost a spouse you wore black and mourned a year before people expected you to “snap out of it.” We are so cold today sometimes! Losing a baby is hard. My sister and I ended up pregnant together, twice due within weeks of each other. I lost mine right away (12 weeks) and then she lost her’s (20 weeks) the first time. The second time, she lost her’s right away, I was so afraid to make plans, or even decorate the nursery. We thought we were ready, but her miscarriage triggered me. (It was 2 yrs later) I carried that baby to term and he’s my only one. My sister dotes on him now, but she struggled in the beginning. I didn’t push him on her and gave her time to heal. She couldn’t come to his first birthday… I got it! Grief is a weird thing. It’s not linear, you have good and bad days. I grieve my mom at random times. I grieve my son is an only child. Grief doesn’t have an end date it just gets easier to deal with.
panic attacks is not normal grieving.
Panic attacks are absolutely not unusual for many people when they are grieving.
According to whom?
She’s not blaming the baby. She can’t help but see her bay when looking at him. I saw my son in every baby I saw for years. I still sometimes find myself staring off at kids “his age” thinking what he would be like at 13. I couldn’t even think about holding someone’s baby without having a panic attack. It took me 12 years to hold another infant (though the panic didn’t last that long). Medical ptsd is a thing and you don’t tell someone “just do the thing and get over it.” Hopefully she can get into a therapist sooner than later to work through this. In the mean time putting herself into situations that trigger her and don’t have a good place to retreat to isn’t good for her grieving.
6 months is barely any time…so sad you put a timeline on grief
The baby in question was only born 3~months ago - she lost her baby six months ago, but it's only been three months since their shared due dates. And even then, six months is a very short period of time for this kind of grief.
It is NOT a long time. I am 6 years into my loss and sometimes it feels like yesterday.
Six months is not a long time
Clearly you have never lost a child because that is not a long time, she is protecting herself from triggering situations and that is valid
This is literally the worst take I’ve ever seen on this subreddit and that’s really saying something
I can't fairly judge here, I lost my son, he was 22. You need a grief therapist. Life doesn't stop when you lose a child, and it is the worst thing imaginable. I never stopped going to things because reminders, and EVERYTHING has reminders when you raise your child to young adulthood, and they pass. It is unfair to this cousin who truly did nothing wrong. It's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's also ok to heal. Your precious little baby wants you to be happy.
I'm sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for sharing your experience.
First of all: hugs if you want them. I lost my first pregnancy to Trisomy 18 and it absolutely fucking SUCKED. A few weeks after our loss I had another big loss and just shut down for a while. I ended up going to grief counseling which was tremendously helpful in navigating all the feelings. I know you are trying to get with a regular therapist, so I'm crossing my fingers for you getting one quickly. I had friends who had a baby as well and we kinda... slowly eased into it. Short bursts with escape built in so nobody was surprised by any big feels and I could dip out. It really helped to know everyone knew and supported me and that my feelings were okay and valid. Your feelings are valid. The grief is real and agonizing and you are allowed to feel that. You will get through this and they will always live on in your heart, no matter what.
This is a great strategy. Short bursts with escape built in. This is wonderful advice.
The lack of escape in these situations is what I noticed. The anxiety will pass but going to an event where it’s more disruptive to leave than not go at all isn’t a great idea, imo.
My deepest and most sincere condolences. I know what that is. My daughter has 18Q-. As a fellow chromosome 18 parent, I cry with you.
Thank you and much love to you and your family. Between the passage of time, loving supportive family aaaand a fair bit of therapy I'm at peace with it.
>I’ve decided for my mental health I don’t want to go around the baby until I’m ready. NTA. There's nothing wrong with protecting your mental health. I only hope you are getting all the support you need including counseling if possible. What you've been through is no small thing and it will take time to go through the grieving process. Your husband, on the other hand... >My husband says it’s not fair to not go see her just because my son passed and hers didn’t and that I should just move on He's TA here. That is a stunning lack of compassion he has on display. I'm so sorry.
He also phrases it as “her son”, not “our son”… I wonder if this example limited compassion or “othering” the problem by him is dragging her progress. He doesn’t sound that supportive
NAH but I think you need to work through this in therapy. I understand this child is more of a trigger because you were both expecting at the same time but sometimes life sucks and you have a toddler that is here and you need to get better for so you are not missing out on their life just to avoid seeing this other child
You're NTA, but you need some help separating your baby from her baby. I understand you were both pregnant at the same time, but you can't keep carrying this weight, plus you're putting your weight on her because you don't want to see her baby. You suffered a terrible loss and she did nothing wrong. You need counseling to get through your grief and she needs to not feel guilty or shunned because she has a baby.
NAH - you need professional grief counseling.
NTA because you are grieving, but do you have this reaction to all babies, or just hers? If it's the latter, then the problem seems deeper than merely grief, as if you resent her having a baby when you did not. That's definitely something to sort out with a good therapist, and I wish you luck. Just remember, your husband's cousin and her baby are blameless in all of this.
It’s not deeper than grief and it’s not resent. It’s 100% grief, a reminder of everything she’s missing out on and within the first year of losing her baby. Which is NORMAL
If the same reaction is also triggered by a stranger's baby at the park, yes this is normal. Or NORMAL if you insist. If it's confined to this cousin, that is something else.
I disagree. She probably pictured the two babies growing up together, and seeing only one would be extremely triggering. I’ve been in her shoes.
I had 3 cousins have babies around the same time as me, when I lost my daughter at 7 weeks old, and I was barely existent in their lives until they were about 2. Not because I resented them, but because it hurt too much watching all their firsts I would never experience with my daughter. I still loved them from afar but it felt like my hear being torn out of chest to be around them and I missed my daughter.
No it’s not different. Grief isn’t just one thing with one manifestation. It involves a ton of different emotions and reactions that vary not only from person to person but death to death. And this isn’t just some random stranger’s kid she doesn’t know anything about, but one who was on her same timetable but not experiencing the same loss. Of COURSE it’s hard for OP to want to be around this baby in particular.
Doesn't sound like she's blaming them.
NAH. Honestly, too many selfish people out there. I can’t imagine not understanding in the cousin’s shoes, even if it hurts my feelings, OP’s circumstances. She’s excusing herself - not forcing her husband and child to stay home or causing family drama by excluding the cousin and her child. Your husband can choose to process his grief differently; maybe it helps him, being around the baby. Just because he’s done grieving doesn’t mean you have to be, too. Grief is not linear and *your experience was different to his* even if you *both* lost the same child.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to see an infant that is related to us, my husband thinks I’m an asshole for not wanting to see her because it might hurt his cousin’s feelings. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Please get counseling. Not because your grief is continuing. Especially since your husband is a jerk for saying "just move on." You need emotional support, not being forced to pretend to make others who are uncomfortable with your pain feel better. I was at a graduation party for a relative when someone I didn't know walked up and handed me a tiny baby who seemed to be the age my child would have been if I hadn't miscarried some months prior. I almost dropped the poor thing in shock. Had no idea I'd react that way but would have said no thanks if asked. Gasped "take it", thrust baby at a nearby person, and fled to my car weeping. Had to go home. Cried all evening. At least you know your limits. Do what you must to care for your mental health.
YTA, though one I can sympathise with. However, what happened to you is not her or the child's fault. plus, perhaps more importantly, avoidance is \*not\* a good mental coping practice. in fact, it's the worst thing you can do.
NTA, but if you’re waiting till you’re “ ready” you never will be
Wrong! Waiting until she’s ready gives her time to heal and process. Something that can take years even with therapy.
i don’t disagree with you but as someone whose lost a pregnancy, you never “move on” you just put one foot in front the other
NAH? Gentle YTA? I can’t quite decide which. You may never be ‘ready’ to see *that* baby/child but that’s something you need to work through and get help for. I know it feels like people who haven’t experienced something like this are rubbing their luck/joy in your face, but they’re not. That’s just grief tainting the bright spots. I’ve been through something similar and because of it, I didn’t attend that particular baby’s 1st birthday party or babysit for her, but I didn’t avoid any event the baby (or any other baby) would be at. You’re not a *classic* AH (but you might be being one to yourself by not working through this). I don’t want you to let unmanaged grief turn you into one.
First off, let me say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your child, there is no pain worse than losing a child. You are healing, you lost a part of you. I am understand that right now. You just can’t deal with another child. There’s no animosity there. Just heart wrenching sorrow. Take your time healing, there’s no set time that you have to be back to your old self again because it will never happen . I can say this was certainty. I lost my adult daughter 2 1/2 years ago and I am just now starting to come out of that fog. I wish you the very best and all of this and I wish I could give you a hug
NAH, though you may want to seek grief counseling, as this will affect your relationship with your CIL.
NTA - Do exactly what you need to do which includes not attending events. I am so sorry your husband lacks insight and empathy. It is astonishing he said, "...it’s not fair to not go see her .... I should just move on." -- Furthermore it does not matter what he thinks what you think and feel is paramount. Grief, loss, jealousy, resentment are normal reactions. Take care of you.
NAH. You feel how you feel, just realize it is all you and has nothing to do with her. You can't fault her or her child for existing. You need therapy, not reddit.
NAH, you have other family to live for though. You need therapy.
NTA. As a Mama to 7 angels, I feel you. Oh do I feel you. The grief of losing our precious babies is the toughest of all, in my opinion. A large part I feel is because they were REALLY REAL only to us. We felt them, we spoke to them, from the moment we knew they were there. We poured our love into them. To others it's not the same. A baby just isn't as real (especially to most men) until they can hold them. So they are not as attached to our children until they are born and can form a bond that way. You allow yourself to grieve. You do what you need to do. He needs to support you and not tell you to get over, in my experience that honestly just made me grief longer. Because it broke my heart again feeling like no one on earth but me missed my child(ren). You feel the big feelings, and let your body and mind do what it needs to do, to heal. I do hope you have joined a support group for Mama's who have lost babies and /or sought out therapy to help. Eventually you need to meet this baby, you need your family(all of them) that's where so much support comes from.
NTA. I have a friend who lost her baby a day after birth and she’s never met my now 8 month old because it would be too hard on her. I completely understand that and I’m not hurt, although sometimes I feel sad. You need to take care of Yourself and if the people around you can’t understand that then surround yourself with different people
NAH.
NTA- I lost my daughter at 7 weeks old due to SIDS. It took me months to even be around a baby, and years for it not to cause me a panic attack or anxiety.
Very very very gently YTA but that feels harsh still. I saw you’re looking for another therapist and I hope you find one soon. Because this shouldn’t controlling your life the way it is. If I were in your position I’d start to slowly work on desensitization. Eg say the baby’s name or look at a group photo the baby is in. Work your way up slowly. I can understand why your husband feel frustrated, but we can’t predict grief. If you haven’t looked into grief counselling I think it could help. Good luck pal
I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to be experiencing grief and having someone in the family who was pregnant at the same time does not make it easier. May I kindly suggest a grief support group or therapy to support you. It is also possible to experience post-partum depression from miscarriage as well. Very few people talk about that. I went though four miscarriages and want you to have the most support possible.
Please see a grief counselor. So sorry this is your reality and the sadness will always be with you. You will have panic attacks each time you know someone is pregnant or you see a newborn. Please process through the grief with a trained therapist.
Nta. My sil and mil left my baby shower, which could have been awkward because it was at mil’s house. A few guests thought it was weird or downright rude. My sil was a couple weeks ahead of me but lost hers in the first trimester. My other sils and I made sure everyone knew that there was a good reason why, it made perfect sense to all of the guests. Another sil skipped Easter the year my second was born. He was four days old, she’d miscarried the day he was born. Yet another sil (I have 4, two had multiple miscarriages each) had a 3 week old at the time. She wasn’t ready to be around babies and that was just fine. I volunteered to stay home-I wasn’t enthusiastic about going anywhere that soon and it was her family, but the 3 week old’s mother did not. Sometimes being around babies hurts, especially when they’d be so close in age. You’re not throwing a fit and saying she shouldn’t be invited or talk or post about the baby, you’re just absenting yourself. Your husband lacks empathy.
YTA. You need help this is not healthy at all. Your husband is right. What is your plan to avoid this child for the rest of their life? I wish you peace and healing. Good luck to you.
NTA. It’s very understandable that you’re still grieving and are unable to be around a child that was born so close to when you were supposed to give birth. I think it would probably be beneficial to find a therapist to talk to though. That could help you get to a place where you can be around your husbands cousin and her child quicker and give you tools to help channel your emotions and stop panic attacks when you do have to be around them.
NTA I've been in your shoes. I struggled with infertility and when I finally got pregnant, one of my best friends was also pregnant with her second and we would have had very close due dates. I miscarried early but it was so hard to see her as her pregnancy progressed and after she gave birth. As you aren't asking anything of the cousin and are only taking yourself out of the situations, I think that is entirely fair.
NTA but only because you need help. You’re going to spend your whole life with family members having babies; all your friends having babies. None of that has anything to do with you.
NTA But please don’t be mean to the person with the baby My sister ignored my existence for years and it irreversibly hurt our relationship Hard to have a relationship with someone when you KNOW they’ve been in therapy to stand being near you or your kid for YEARS and talks badly about you I get she feels terrible cuz she “sacrificed” and did everything “right” and her “loser” sister had kids but damn, I’m not a bad person, my family just has less money Just, there’s ways to be supportive without you having to be around them while you are grieving
I’m like 99% sure they don’t even know that I intentionally avoid them. Most of the time when I leave my husband just says I wasn’t feeling well etc. I don’t want her to feel bad, but I don’t want to feel bad either.
Then It’s totally fine, I do suggest getting therapy because tbh I don’t want you to go through what my sister has gone through The bitterness has damaged her relationships with her adopted kids (she had them already for several years through her husband’s previous marriage) That kind of hurt has to heal or it just spreads
NTA. Your baby was real, he was precious to you, and that loss is something no one who hasn’t lost a baby can understand. I bought my lost son an O-jizo statue, and just its presence in my house helps me feel like I honoured him. O-jizo holds the soul of lost babies and is the deity that takes care of them on the journey to the afterlife. I don’t know if some sort of representation of your grief would help you.
I had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks, with my third/final pregnancy. I had to have a D&C. I never got to find out the gender. My sister in law, my brother's wife, was pregnant the same time as me, also with her third/final pregnancy. Yes, it was painful seeing her have a healthy, full term pregnancy and give birth to my niece, while my pregnancy went wrong. It was 17 years ago, and I still think about it almost every day. I understand how you feel. I'm very sorry for your loss. You aren't the AH.
NTA but you probably need professional help, your feelings/responses make sense but they're hindering your ability to function
You're human and grieving is a human emotion. You'll get there and your husband is being unfair to you. NTA
NTA - But you do owe it to yourself to seek a licensed therapist. It is not fair to you or your outside relationships to deny yourself this mental health care. While I can see why you are struggling, you do not want this to be the crutch you lean on forever because it is starting to affect and shape other relationships in your life based off of what you had stated.
NAH, but I really think you could benefit from talking to a therapist.
Of course you are not an AH, but I do think your husband may be right to worry. Anger towards you is definitely not the right emotion though
NTA at all. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Second of all, everyone grieves differently - both in different ways and at different paces. I had three miscarriages and experienced similar situations. It was very difficult to go to my best friend’s baby shower a month later and then see multiple friends give birth over the next year. Therapy helped a lot and I would encourage you to find a therapist to help you process your grief. I also found the book “How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed” helpful personally.
I’m in a similar situation. I think it’s fine to remove yourself from situations you aren’t okay with. You can’t ask the baby to be removed. But you can remove yourself. It’s okay not to be okay yet.
I wish you would have posted this in r/miscarriage. Of course you’re not the AH. Please take as much time to grieve as you need.
I didn’t have a miscarriage, I had TFMR, there’s not a lot of dedicated spots for us just due to the small amount of moms who go through this, I feel very out of place in stillborn/miscarriage threads just because those moms didn’t have to CHOOSE to have their babies pass, but I did. I don’t want to upset them and I don’t want to upset myself.
r/tfmr_support
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband’s family is all getting together for a reception party for his sister. I let him know that I wouldn’t be going if his distant cousin was coming with her baby. For some context, me and his cousin were both pregnant at the same time, she was exactly 1 week ahead of me. My son passed when I was 18 weeks along due to some fetal abnormalities, we needed to get a termination for medical reasons. Obviously she was still pregnant, but every time I saw her I felt the uncontrollable urge to cry, seeing her get her baby bump, and all I had was an urn. Then the baby came. I’ve avoided seeing the baby on social media, I haven’t been mean or dismissing, I have just not wanted to look at the photos. She was at a barbecue the other day, and had her baby, I saw them and couldn’t help myself from having a panic attack and ended up having to leave. I left my husband and toddler there to enjoy themselves, and I went home and came back when they were ready to go home. I’ve decided for my mental health I don’t want to go around the baby until I’m ready. I feel it’s unfair to force me to be there when all I can feel when I’m around the baby is uncontrollable jealousy and sadness. My husband says it’s not fair to not go see her just because my son passed and hers didn’t and that I should just move on, but I feel like I still need to heal (for some context his due date was 03/08/2024 and he was born 10/11/2023) I feel like it’s reasonable to not be ready to see the baby because it hasn’t even been that long since I lost him, and I’m not ready to move on from him. I realize it has been almost a year, but he was my baby. So, am I the a-hole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta You don't have to push yourself if you don't want to or feel able to do so. There's no medal waiting for you. It doesn't heal anything and can amplify the pain you already feel. I know. I tried really hard. Stuffing your feelings to make others feel better just makes others feel better. But it leaves you in the rubble. Alone. Because they want you to feel better so they feel better. So everyone's feeling better, but you feel worse and more alone. Just because your husband isn't grieving the same as you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Husband needs to be supporting you. Not dismissing you.
NTA. But I do wonder if you’re doing anything to work on the reactions you’re having to seeing a baby in public. I feel like you’d benefit from some therapy right now. Wishing you well.
NTA you are still processing everything plus you are handling it pretty well(by this i mean not making it everyone else’s problem and knowing when you are going past ur emotional limit) husband is fussing for no reason!
I'm sorry for your loss. Your wounds are still quite fresh, and it can take as long as needed to heal from a traumatic loss, especially when another is welcoming a healthy baby. Have you been referred to a grief counselor yet? There are counselors that specialize in miscarriages and child death. Your husband should be more understanding.
Oh I have been here and my son was stillborn due to his birth defects 10 years ago on 3/7. I had to unfollow friends whose kids were the same age. It’s not being an asshole to protect your peace here. It took me a long time to work through my grief. This is still really really fresh and idk about you but a lot of people around me thought I should be over it by like month 3. Let yourself grieve, it’s the best thing you can do.
My sister and I were both pregnant, due about a week apart. My daughter was premature and stillborn due to fetal abnormalities; her son was fine and is now a senior in high school. It took me a long time to grieve. I didn’t even realize the full time because I felt like I was functioning, but looking back I was still grieving. It was probably 5 years before I felt normal and could look back and see how I hadn’t been normal for a long time. I was fortunate because my sister was so gentle; she grieved with me and always wished my daughter a happy birthday, even when others forgot. I was always able to look at her son and think “that’s what my girl would be doing now, too” without it being awful, even though I ached and grieved, too. You get to grieve and protect your mental and emotional well-being for as long as it takes. Make sure you’re talking to a therapist - I didn’t know I needed one and would’ve benefitted from it. You don’t need to “get over” anything or “move past” anything. Grief isn’t a problem; it’s just a healing stage to move through. You don’t need to forget your son or act like he didn’t exist or isn’t important, because he is. Let yourself heal. You will.
NAH. A year isn't a long time to grieve a loss that significant. Having said that, I echo everyone elses sentiment about needing therapy. You said you are seeing a therapist and that is great. Your therapist knows best but my gut is saying you won't ever feel "ready" to see the baby. You might have to talk to the cousin about how you feel and suggest meeting them and their baby in a more relaxed setting so you can start to get accustomed to the situation. It will be difficult in the long run for your family if you can't go to any events with that cousin.
Absolutely NTA! My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, would have been just a couple weeks apart. I lost my pregnancy at 7 and 8 weeks (twins). It was so so hard to be around her when her baby was born. The first couple years I really had to limit my time around them. Fortunately my husband was very supportive and understanding. It’s been almost 6 years now and I’m 99% ok. But even now there are times that I watch my nibling play and just wonder about my babies and it stings. Even if your loss was last October it’s still so incredibly fresh. You’ve just barely passed your due date. You deserve time and space to continue to grieve. And you’ve done nothing to put your pain or grief on cousin other than keeping space. And that’s the most respectful thing you could do for either of you.
I had this very same situation. My sister, and my best friend (at the time) were pregnant and I lost my pregnancy. And they kept theirs. I know your pain. It’s like you’re happy for them, but seeing the baby and knowing yours would be about the same age. The heartbreak never goes away. It’s been 13 years and it’s still sad sometimes. I didn’t get a rainbow baby. AND I had to throw a shower for my best friend just months after I lost mine. It was awful. Take your time. Heal. Talk to his cousin and just tell her the truth. If she is a half decent human she’ll understand. I am so very very sorry for your loss.
There are not enough resources for couples who have miscarriages. Just not enough care. I'm so sorry you had this happen, and I would urge you in the strongest way to get to a therapist. There are many who focus on this particular issue. Take care of yourself.
YTA Not reading this wall of text. Did you really never learn about paragraphs?