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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my stepdaughter I don’t want to watch any fucking kids and that includes yours. I may be a jerk since I lost my cool and was quite harsh in my delivery
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NTA.
However, this is not necessarily about who is an asshole or not, as I assume you would prefer to continue having good relations with her in the future.
>We have talked to her multiple times.
Have you described *why* you don't want to do it? Because I think if you frame it as you did here (essentially "I was forced to look after children when I was a child and ran away from home because of it") it is difficult to see how someone can still be pissed.
Yes, the reddit hivemind will tell you they don't have a *right* to know this, and just your preference to not do it should be enough. And the reddit hivemind may be philosophically-morally correct. But sometimes in life you need to pick between being ideologically correct and actually getting the result you want.
Also I want to point out… nobody owes stepdaughter babysitting either. They are her kids. Her responsibility. Why would you want to force your kids on someone who doesn’t want to be with them? That’s so bizarre.
Because some parents don't like to be with (their own) kids so they pawn them off to whoever they can... the idea of parenthood is often a lot nicer than the reality. (I love kids but they are also *exhausting* af).
I've stressed to my kids that they should only have their own kids someday if they absolutely 100% want them. I did, and I love them with all my heart, but holy shit is it hard work. I don't want any of them caving to pressure from society or thinking I want to be a grandma and being regretful parents.
I'm annoyed my own father doesn't really spend time with my kids at all, but that's not for babysitting - I just want them to have grandparents that care. My stepmother (who my dad married when I was in my 30s, so similar to OP) clearly cares about my kids, which is more than enough. OP is definitely NTA.
I’ve had this same talk with my kids. Two of them REALLY don’t want kids and one is on the fence.
I told them exactly what you did. I’ve also had to have a talking to with my father because he tried to tell my fence sitter that he might find a wonderful girl one day who also wants kids and her wouldn’t want her to get away right? Especially when he’d be such a great dad!
I was pissed and, right in front of dad, told my kid “if someone tries to convince you to do something you don’t want to do, especially about something as huge as having kids, they aren’t the right person for you. No matter how wonderful they seem.” My dad was NOT happy I told my kid that.
NTA OP. You have 100% transparent and open about your boundaries and your stepdaughter tried to walk all over them. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
"You'd be such a great dad" is such a shit reason to tell people to have kids.
I hear that a lot. Look, I know myself. I've done the work and can fully admit who I am and my faults and NO, I would be a TERRIBLE dad. I would hate it. I am a messed up human being who has no business trying to help create new adults.
I hate it when people disregard my choice and tell me I'd be a good dad. Fuck off with that noise. Even if it were true, respect the decisions I've made maybe?
Good on you for not only hearing your kid and respecting his decision but standing up for him! That's a good parent!
I get the “you’d be a great mom” and I know I would. I would also resent my child(ren) because I want to spend my money on myself. I like my sleep. I like being able to do whatever I want, travel whenever I want (within reason, I have a horse and cats, lol). It’s much easier to someone to watch my cat and let my barn owner know I’m peacing out last minute then trying to find a babysitter.
I know someone who had a kid, was a TERRIFIC mother. And hated it. She discovered she didn’t like the dependency. She knew she didn’t enjoy little kids, but figured she would love her own. And she did, but didn’t enjoy raising the kid. So, she encouraged and celebrated each step towards independence, while doing her very best and loving the kid, and looking forward to adult hood. She didn’t resent the kid, kept it in mind it was her choice and she was determined she would do as good a job as she possibly could, according to what she thought was best (attachment parenting, hands on, volunteering at school, etc) but really really didn’t enjoy the earthy hands on little kid stuff! Lost contact with her when her kid was in elementary school, but I imagine she was happier with adolescence. She liked the mentor type work teens need better. Had she known, she wouldn’t have had a kid.
>"You'd be such a great dad" is such a shit reason to tell people to have kids.
>I hear that a lot.
Very true. I heard it a lot, too. What I didn't want to tell the people who kept telling me that was that we were *trying* to have kids, and we'd *been* having to try to have kids for a long time. We were eventually successful, but only after trying other avenues (foster to adopt, which didn't work out how we anticipated) and then eventually relying on medical help.
haha thankfully no one ever tells me I'd be a great mom. I think we all recognize that I make a great Fun Aunt for about a day or so, but even that one day is very overwhelming to me and after that I need time to recover
I have the reverse, my stepfather doesn’t spend time or see his own biological grandkids so my expectations for him to care about mine were already in hell lol my mother steps up constantly to see my kids and be an active grandparent. I’m sure it rubs him raw but he can’t complain - he screwed up with his own kids.
My stepmother never had kids, so she was already very much a "doting aunt" type. Instantly getting four grandkids she could occasionally spoil was a perk, and she has no obligation to them, so I'm decently happy with her involvement.
Yea perhaps the step daughter has viscerally confused this action as meaning her parents care about her feelings and needs aka if you love her this is what youll do - being mondays off childcare. When thats not the meaning of babysitting or family childcare favors. Like when my grandma couldnt babysit, my parents hired their friends daughter (teen). So it was seldom a babysitter etc. and back then, theyd also leave us home alone (had a younger sister) but there was no rule or agreement to treat gran as a live in nanny (she had her own house) or permanent routine. (There waa never weekly or monthly babysitting needs and there were 2 of us)
My “father” used to pawn us off on his parents just made my relationship with them stronger because my “father” stepmom and I lived with them until she got pregnant with her kid when I was five that being said I’m the oldest of all the six granddaughters and have always had that special bond with my grandparents and they’ll even call my “father” out when him and his wife are being unfair to me and treating me like I’m not their child just a free live in babysitter until the age of 14 when shit for brains(“father”) kicked me out until the summer when they couldn’t get a babysitter and tried to guilt trip me into coming back by saying he’s not eating right since I left four years later I haven’t gone back he didn’t speak to me all through highschool and he hasn’t spoke to me since my highschool graduation where he accused me of not being his child dispite him being the one that cheated multiple times not my mom
I hate this sentiment. Sure, nobody is owned anything, but EVERYONE needs help sometimes and it's okay to ask.
In this instance the stepdaughter is the asshole, but generally speaking asking for help does not make you an asshole.
Asking for help is fine. Showing up unannounced on doorsteps and demanding that people behave the way you want them to is not. And repeatedly asking for help from someone who has already declined to provide that help is silly.
Who said it’s not ok to ask for help sometimes? I’m saying it’s asshole behavior to try forcing OP to do something she’s made clear, she’s not willing to do. Showing up unannounced and when grandpa isn’t home, is asshole behavior. Stepdaughter is EXPECTING Op to just cave and do what she wants and FYI she never asked OP to babysit. She showed up unannounced. So your little statement is completely unnecessary.
I think *asking* for help is fine, but it seems like she was demanding it, which is less fine.
I get what you're saying, though, as it does seem like there's a real "no one owes anyone anything* attitude around here and in society now, generally. For example, some people equate even the smallest amount of responsibility for kids towards their siblings as parentification, and that gets to be silly.
In this instance, and perhaps I'm assuming too much of OP, I imagine she'd be willing to help in a real emergency. But wanting regular, free childcare probably doesn't meet that criteria.
I think that's the point that the step daughter is expecting free babysitting. And that makes OPs stepdaughter the AH. If Grandpa can't do it, then the stepdaughter needs to make other arrangements.
And I agree with others that said why would you push kids on someone who doesn't want them?
This. There’s no expectation for anyone to care for her kids. She had enough notice and could have made other plans. She’s trying to force OP into some sort of “grandmother stereotype” rather than listening to why this isn’t a good idea.
Probably because stepdaughter uses that time for her and isn’t willing to give it up. Well if you want me time then you shouldn’t have had kids. You have kids your life is now about them. At least that was mine.
Genuinely, super weird to insist on leaving your kids with someone who has expressed that they do not want to be in charge of them. Someone not being willing to perform a task should be an automatic reason to no longer consider them for the task.
The problem is most people don't think that way, they see it as my parents will love having the kids and if they say no it's because they hate me or they're not loyal to the family. I see it all the time.
Sounds like step daughter is trying to pawn her kids off any chance she gets. Doesn't matter if her father is out of town, she will not watch her own kids. 🤣😂
You shouldn’t have to explain anything to Kelly. You said no. She decided she didn’t care and is determined to make OP watch her children. I guess she believes she can break OP.
It's so wild to me that you have explained your position and she still wants you to watch her kids, not only because you've explained your position (which should be enough) but I personally would not want anyone watching my kid who didn't want to. That's so fucking weird to me.
Oh that’s such a good point, dumping kids on someone who is having to force themselves to pretend not to be mad as hell about it and resent the situation would feel pretty bad for them too and probably end up
Damaging their relationship to OP. Like it sucks for everyone except step daughter.
Either Kelly thinks her children are the magical ones to turn OP into a proper woman and find her childcare gland or she actually isn’t as fond of OP as believed and happy to screw up her night in when hubby is out of town with dumping her kids on OP.
I am child free. My childcare glands do nothing. I au paired and babysat to earn cash to get through high school when my parents cut me off. I cannot muster any nuturing for pets, plants or sourdough starter either.
I’m always amazed how often me really not enjoying or knowing how to care for kids is the safe, sane, sensible thing while the ‘as a mother’ types are trying to palm their supposed darlings off on a person who cannot care for them safely such as kids in a pool with non swimmer, an un child proofed house, a hostile and rightly pissed off dad’s wife and not a safe caregiver. Who usually costs money…
Which is probably the other issue here. Kids are expensive and Kelly sees OP have a nice standard of life and ‘her’ inheritance. So she owes Kelly now. Little power trip while dad is out of town. Depressingly common with second marriages.
Yup NTA, side note … so THIS is why the kids say we’re (Gen X) selfish 🥴 if we say no that’s what it means! Full stop
Hell … we babysat the WHOLE neighborhood! As if being latch key wasn’t enough 😏
Why would anyone want their kids babysat by someone who clearly does not want to babysit them. I would be concerned for my children if I dropped them off with someone who clearly does not want to mind them. Stepdaughter needs to find appropriate child care - that isn't just free babysitting.
NTA, "No" is a complete sentence and you don't need to justify yourself. I'm in the same situation as you - no bio kids but am about to become a grandma anyway. My stepkids know better, though and I don't think I will be asked. I’ve already decided that I’m going to be the grandma that always has cookies instead of the one that babysits.
NTA
She doesn't seem to get it. Maybe you could send a link to a website about Parentification, so she can understand you experienced abuse as a kid, and that this is a trauma response to that abuse. She needs to get it. If you feel comfortable, send this link to any of her siblings applying pressure.
yeah that more than anything makes me do the "wait... what now?".
Yes lets bring kids over to be looked after by a person I didn't ask, and who has made it clear to me they have no interest in watch my kids.
I mean sure, if mom's arm had been ripped off in a bear attack and she needed OP to watch the kids while she drove herself to the urgent care... I get it. Makes sense. Otherwise... not so much.
She's physically able to drop off the kids, so its urgent care. Plus she's worried about the copay on the ER visit. Always have to think about things like that.
This is bs. People like Kelly are entitled. A bio grandoarent has no obligation to baby sit and to say that a grand parent has to to do what an adult child wants to stay in their life is ridiculous. Kelly needs a reality check - no explanation is needed. Kelly needs to learn that in the same way she will say no to her own kids, others can say no to her.
What exactly, do you expect OP to do to actually get the result she wants - which is for Kelly to drop her entitled bs, back off and not negatively impact the relationship due to Kelly's own follish entitlement?
I had a friend tell me her daughter who had 2 kids, 2 to 4 year olds, used to post on Facebook that she, the daughter, was doing grandma’s job when watching the kids. So obnoxious.
Naw. People need to learn to respect a “no”. You never have to justify or explain why.
It’s absolutely wild that she already knew this was a no, and she just showed up anyway. Talk about entitled. I would never have assumed or expected anyone to take care of MY kids.
This “adult” is a spoiled brat.
I don’t think this woman needs to disclose her childhood trauma to her husband’s daughter to justify being able to say no
NO is a complete sentence and it’s sad this other woman has grown to be old enough to be a parent and she still hasn’t learned that NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
So if OP wants to be a good stepmom she can teach this woman that people have a right to say no to her and they don’t have to justify that and get it approved by her for it to be valid
As a parent, it's astounding to me how many other parents come across insanely out of touch at how difficult parenting can be. Is it a joy most of the time? Sure, but that doesn't stop it from being a pain in the ass plenty of times, too.
Too many of them are struggling for me to believe it's a privilege pov issue. I genuinely just think that if they have to acknowledge there's reasons not to have kids, they think it means they have to admit they felt required to have them.
I think you’ve encapsulated here what I’ve always wondered about - why some parents seem so resentful of child-free people.
I have a friend who is child free and single, both by choice, and her mother is openly resentful of her choices, regularly making snide comments about how the daughter is not suffering the way *she* did.
She doesn’t need to give a reason why. Her husband understands and that’s all that matters. The stepdaughter is creating problems where non existent because she’s pushing this onto her father’s wife.
"Getting the result you want"? - You assume OP desires to continue having a good relationship with Kelly but it sounds more like she just wants a peaceful life. OP made her wishes clear and never once led anyone on, Kelly disrespected that. In this case the result I'd want would probably be less Kelly in my life!
It sounds like stepdaughter is the way that she is because people her whole life have been coddling her.
I don’t have to justify my reasons for not wanting to do something. People don’t have to agree with my reasons in order to accept my note. And the sooner they learn that the better off they will be in life.
No. This isn’t some kind of ideological or moral conflict. She doesn’t owe Kelly an explanation for why she won’t take care of her kids. No one does. They’ve discussed it - repeatedly - and the answer has always been a clear no. This isn’t a negotiation. OP does not need Kelly’s permission to refuse childcare. NTA.
In general, I agree with you that Reddit likes to get on a moral high horse and this sub likes to dish out advice that immediately goes toward the nuclear option. You're right that if OP wants to maintain a good relationship with her step kids going forward that she should avoid nuclear options.
That being said, so should her step kids, and once one of them brings a nuclear option to the table (like showing up and throwing a tantrum trying to *force* her children onto someone unwilling... I mean, family drama removed, that is negligent parenting!) then OP has every right to set hard boundaries and protect herself. I also agree that she should not have to trauma dump to justify her no.
On top of everything, Kelly's reasoning seems to be based, not just in delusion, but in misogynistic delusion. OP needs to watch the kids instead of ***their grandpa*** why exactly? What's her reasoning?
I disagree. Not everyone likes kids, saying you don't like kids usually paints you as an asshole but it's reason enough. OP has said no several times, and No is a complete answer. Unless an absolute emergency, stepdaughter is completely in the wrong here trying to force a role on OP that is not going to happen, and planning this out to force it on her.
No. It's not a philosophically-morally correct position.
It's a personal preference. It's a boundary.
The entitlement....
No further explanation necessary.
Yes and no. There is a perception that somehow others are entitled to know the why of us doing or not doing a certain thing. This has turned into us explaining the underlying trauma for why we don’t do a thing. This leads to situations where if there is no underlying trauma then there is no excuse. It’s a tiresome paradigm at best. No suffices, and we all need to get into the habit of using that word without explaining why. So you’re not wrong to say nuance might be a better course, but nuance can frequently feed the beast of entitlement.
NTA and who tf just drops off kids as if they're entitled to babysitting?
"You need to step up" um no. Babysitting is a favor and she's not entitled to it. Especially when she has been told no.
Your husband needs to have a long conversation with his daughter about her attitude because the only ones that have to step up are the parents of the children. Anyone else is doing them a favor.
Exactly, I am absolutely baffled at people who do this. My brother and his now ex-wife did this to my parents and it was astonishing to me that neither of them seem to even consider whether or not my parents may be had plans or anything like that ever.
My aunt used to do this ALL THE TIME. My Nana babysat my brother and I during the summer and other school holidays when my parents had to work. But that was established and discussed. And yes my Nana always paid for our lunch or whatever. My parents were eternally grateful and made-up for it where they could. Usually by taking the lead on Sunday dinners.
My aunt (Nana's DIL) decided that she and her kids (ultimately became 4) were also entitled to a free lunch and admission to any activity we may be doing that day. She wouldn't ask ahead of time, she would just show up in the morning unannounced with all of her kids. And no, she wasn't dropping them off. She would stay, let her kids raid the fridge and pantry, and then have her oldest deal with cranky little siblings. She just watched TV.
They did this several times a week, but never on Friday because that's when my uncle got paid, so she and the kids would pick-up his check, cash it, blow most of it, pay back whatever they had borrowed the week before, then wonder why they were having to borrow money from my grandparents by Wednesday. The cycle went on for so long, my grandpa would just take the cash, put it in a shoebox, then give my uncle back the same cash each week.
"established and discussed. "
this, right here. My parents watch my niece and nephew on Wednesdays, their other set of grandparents watch them on Tuesdays. Each week we have family dinner night.
And, if one set of grandparents cant have them for some reason, usually the other set will gladly have them.
It's all established and discussed and the kids get to spend time with family/extended family. It's unfortunate that it doesn't always turn out this way :(
For real.
Honestly I can understand
"hey I know this isn't your favorite thing, but I have to work and don't have a plan for today because Dad usually watches the kids. Could you please do me this favor?"
But "you need to step up" is not cool.
Honestly, with the Dad having canceled babysitting ahead of time, I don't think "Hey I don't have anybody else" would be an acceptable reason here. If you know ahead of time that your usual arrangement won't work, find an alternative ahead of time.
Emergency? Fine. But not something that can be planned for.
> Kelly has gotten in her head that I should be doing the babysitting instead of her father.
She 100% does have a plan, and that plan smells like sexism.
That would have been totally acceptable if she called to talk about it, say she's really stuck, even beg. But just showing up at her house with the kids to put that pressure on her is still way out of line. So entitled.
Anyone telling me "you need to step up" will automatically get a hell no, I'm fast approaching my 50s and nobody gets to tell me what I "need" to be doing. If I volunteer then wonderful, but I won't be voluntold.
I hear you. Last time someone told me something I "need" to do (for free) I lost my shit and told them "I don't *need* to do a damned thing. I don't take orders anymore (retired military) and I don't do anything I don't want to do. ***Period***."
The "you need to step up" part really gets to me. Like, no lady, YOU need to step up. They're YOUR kids. And who dumps their kids off on someone they know doesn't want them?
Signed, mom of 1 and pregnant with baby 2.
NTA 1000x over.
Exactly!
Does anyone think there is the "but women are supposed to like kids" going on here?
People ask me (f) if I want to hold their new baby, I do not but my husband does.
There was another Reddit story about a man, his sister, and his wife. Op and his wife have a 6 month baby, I believe. The sister told them from the get-go that she didn't want to interact with the baby as she isn't comfortable or liked them. The wife constantly ignores this and tries to get the sister involved with their kid and gets upset when sister says no if I remember correctly. The wife ends up telling op to cut off the sister over the baby drama and op doesn't want to
Dropping off? More like abandoning them in a technical sense. I will leave my home if you try to drop off anyone I don't want to see. You leave them means they will be alone because I will "remember" an adult only errand I need to run that's life or death.
I don't even do this to my own mother who likes being an grandma and I only have one kid who likes to read and be quiet 💀 I couldn't dream about doing this to her boyfriend of all people.
Idk why this commenter is acting like your stepdaughter needs to have a relative babysit.
Tell her she needs to find a qualified nanny if she is so desperate to have alone time she will pawn her kid off on someone who actively refuses to care for children.
I don’t think the problem is a need for someone else to watch her kid. The stepdaughter isn’t right but I think she is using the babysitting as a way to force OP to bond with the child
Fair angle, hadn’t thought of it. I honestly don’t agree, I think she just feel entitled to the alone time, but it wouldn’t be the first time a person tries to force a childfree woman into changing their mind through babysitting.
Do we know that OP drops the kid off for alone time? As opposed to working or something? Either way, OP is obviously NTA. I’m wondering where the assumption that the daughter uses the childcare help for alone time came from though
I agree with this, and I do feel sympathy for Kelly because a lot of this likely stems from the fact that her mom passed away and she feels like she is missing out on bonding with her mom through being a grandma. I still think it’s an AH move to try to drop your kids off to someone who doesn’t want them, but I feel bad for her.
This. A lot of people seem to be ragging on Kelly that she wants free babysitting but from the comments she has no mother or mother in law and a very hands off step mother (no disrespect to OP). I think she obviously feels her kids are missing out on having a grandma and she must miss her mother figure. Yeah she’s an AH for not respecting op boundaries however I do have some empathy for her too
I agree, her mother is gone and the MIL is in a different state which only leaves op as the closest grandmother figure for the baby. Ik op said she explained to her step kids about her past already but maybe there needs to be a deeper conversation had. Op has every right to feel the way she does about kids but I think this might just boil down to how she treats them. Is she going to be present and interact w them or is she going to ignore the kid for the first 18-21 years? These could be Kelly’s concerns and she just choosing an AH way of going about it
NTA, you set a boundary and now she is trying to trample over it. Stick to your boundary as her father even informed her that he is out of town and she has to find somebody else to watch the kids.
Even if you were ok with babysitting, she’s being very entitled. Babysitting isn’t a given. She chose to have children & it’s up to her to figure out childcare.
Literally none of the people you listed off here owe this girl free childcare. If she's going to ask someone to regularly do labor for her then she better fucking pay them. She made the kid, she can make the sacrifices to pay for someone to help care for the kid.
NTA.
You have firm boundaries and everyone understood what those were. Glad your husband is on your side.
Stepdaughter is outside her mind for thinking that you should be more of a "traditional grandma" when you weren't/aren't a mother figure to her. Moreover, asking someone who has made it clear they will not babysit to babysit is just lunacy. I can't imagine being a parent and willingly leaving my kids with someone who isn't willing to devote time and attention to them. It's not a safe environment and more to the point, you shouldn't be put in the position of having to care for kids when you're not in the best place to do so.
I agree, I also think Kelly is pushing boundaries seeing how far she can get away with because she’s her dad’s daughter. A subtle but douchey manipulation technique
Agreed with everything but subtle lol
She showed up at the house and argued with OP on her front stoop.
This was calculated “fuck her, she needs to STEP UP bc my mom’s dead.” Energy.
OP doesn’t have as good of a relationship with Kelly as she thinks, even before this blow up. The kids are probably harboring resentment
Kelly is harboring resentment. We don't know what the other adult children of her husband is thinking or feeling. They at least respect OP's boundaries and aren't dropping their kids off at Grandpa's when they know he's not at home.
OP is NTA.
Ikr?! If I would've went to bring my kids to their *regular* sitter and she wasn't feeling it, I sure as shit wouldn't press the issue, let alone someone who has literally never shown any interest besides basic interaction.
NTA, btw. You have boundaries, and it's nothing new. DIL was just inconvenienced and taking out her poor planning on you.
Or they want to convince their father to find a wife who is more grandchild-oriented. This issue won’t go away for the dad, not once the other kids start having kids. It’s just going to escalate.
*She told me that I need to step up and babysit. That she doesn’t care if her dad isn’t here, I am present.*
NTA. Umm, NO. She doesn't determine or demand, what, if anything, you do with your time. It sounds as if you have been fully upfront as to not doing childcare, presumably why your husband does it. She sounds entitled and has a serious failure to recognize boundaries. Those who are upset can step up when your husband is unavailable, or she can find a backup sitter. I would not entertain any further discussion regarding this.
Okay, THANK YOU. You get it.
Don't ever want kids? Don't marry a guy with them. Or going through a divorce, or with adult kids, or with any of that bandango.
Just. Don't.
If you don't want kids, marry a bachelor. I'm pretty sure there's a WHOLE show about it.
She didn't think grandkids were expected? If your partner has grandkids, they are a part of your life too.
She should have married a man who equally disliked kids as much as her.
They are a part of her life. She accepts that without problems.
She is still not responsible for babysitting them. Even if she was the woman's biological mother - she's not responsible for taking care of them just because the daughter demands it. That's not how it works.
The things is she didn’t say she didn’t like her grandkids she just said she won’t being caring for any children without their parents around or babysitting. She clearly said she enjoyed being the fun family member with toys so she obviously interacts so that’s not the issue her it’s the DIL
My sister died 10 yrs ago, with her second husband left with their 2 young children while older ones went to their dad.
So now he is remarried. And has 2 young children of her own, and is refusing to caring for the 13 and 15 yr old if their dad isn't home because "they aren't her children".. First few years together it was no big deal, but now she has her own children she turned off care for others.
The 13 yr old is still undergoing counselling, she not only lost her mom but her older siblings went to university or to live their dad.
I imagine she thought this new wife would continue to be like a mother to her!
If I still lived in home country I would have taken the young two in a heartbeat. Am gobsmacked this man is letting her suddenly reject his children, especially given their mom dying so young.
I never imagined someone could do this, kids were likely be with their half sisters before year is out because boy is now receiving physical response to dad's stress, seeing the kids not even spoken too or allowed to be near the 1 and 3 yr olds.
Another thing for divorced parents to consider when moving on.
This is tough for the kids, but not uncommon. People have kids with different partners and try to convince themselves that they've somehow created one big happy family. No, you've created two families; your kids have different homes and different parents and different extended families.
Once the link between the two families is no longer in the picture, the split loyalties and disparate agendas suddenly become apparent.
NTA force child free people to babysit your child is not good for child. You made yourself very clear about this. Kelly needs to find second and third babysitter that she can trust. What if she needs a babysitter in emergency situation when you and your husband don't available.
Tbh I do not understand aggressively CF people who marry people with children. Even when they grow up they are still that partners child. That includes possibly grandchildren. Having grown up in a situation like this but as the child…it fucking sucks to know someone who would typically be in a grandparent role wants nothing to do with you.
To be clear, you aren’t TA for not babysitting. SD sucks for being so aggressive, even if it’s coming from a good place.
I just wish CF people would consider this first before marrying people with children.
I can see both sides. But it’s not like op ignores the kid, she just doesn’t want to be responsible for them, she said she brings them gifts and other fun stuff.
I grew up with a “step-grandpa” who didn’t have children. My parents were very clear on his role in our life and my grandmothers. I knew he was my grandmas husband rather than my grandpa. When I would spend time with my grandma, she did the caretaking and he would sometimes play with us but not always. I think outside influence will play a major role here.
I don't think this really applies, since the kids were grown up. Even if grandkids are in the picture, most people would respect OP's "no". I think this stepdaughter is a unique case of annoying
> it fucking sucks to know someone who would typically be in a grandparent role wants nothing to do with you.
Seems like you read a different post than I did. OP doesn't want to raise or watch kids but is perfectly fine in family functions. This does not extend to "free services" to independent adults who should be able to manage their own shit and raise their own kids.
Isnt it more the grandpa with kids that should consider marrying someone cf? If he wants to reduce the pool of potential partners for his adult kids needs or not?
NTA. Sounds like you were perfectly clear in expressing your opinion. Kelly just wasn't listening and she obviously like the free grandpa babysitting service. Girl needs to update her expectations when Grandpa isn't around.
You've made your position clear. She's lucky her dad will watch her kids. Hubby & I never assumed our parents would take our kids (they both lived out of state), but we were happy if they asked for our kids to visit for a week in the summer, and they were related to them! She has real gall in trying to force you to watch them and you're NTA.
I think there’s a lot of resentment in our generation because, for many of us, our parents’ parents did a ton of heavy lifting to raise us when we were kids, our parents pushed us to have kids so they could be grandparents (like their parents, we naively assumed), but then our parents are never around and scold us for being entitled for thinking they’ll be the involved grandparents they raised us with.
Now, none of this is OP’s problem. She’s not mom, she’s not grandma, and it sounds like grandpa is helping as much as he can. But if she’s wondering why stepdaughter’s entitled attitude is getting some traction, that’s why. As a class, boomers have been pretty shitty grandparents.
Wow, you just put into words what has been frustrating me with my boomer parents — I spent a ton of time at my grandma’s house when I was a kid, my parents *begged* me to have kids, and now they don’t ever see them. Haven’t been out to visit since long before the pandemic. It really sucks.
>wondering why stepdaughter’s entitled attitude is getting some traction
Yep this was my thought too when OP wrote the other kids are dogpiling on. I would bet $100 they had happily involved grandmothers and there's culture shock (broken expectations) now that their own kids won't have that relationship. I don't think kids who grew up with mean/uninvolved grandmothers would be so interested in enforcing stereotypes of loving grandparent/grandchild relationships on an unwilling stepparent.
Pure facts!!! I literally grew up in the house next door to my aunts and granny. My mom was also a teen mom. Do you think she’s a good grandma? My son is 6 my mom moved across the country and seen my son TWICE lol. Meanwhile my I seen my granny every day and she and her siblings helped each other with school pick up/drops off, appointments etc. she does nothing except send a gift on birthdays and Christmas.
NTA. I would have told her that if she abandons her kids on my property, I will call the police.
She is not entitled to free childcare, not even from your husband. I think he needs to take a break from babysitting to remind her.
OP: I hate kids.
Also OP: I married a man with three kids.
I don’t like kids either. That’s why my partner is also child free. You married into a family-oriented situation so you will at some point encounter children. I wouldn’t babysit them either but that’s what you get for marrying a dad.
It’s different in that your role as a parent is different with adult children, but you don’t stop being a parent (or stepparent) just because they’re adults. It’s still a package deal.
But, he knew that and he made a choice to have the relationship anyway. I mean, why is everyone pissed at OP but he remains blameless. Maybe he shouldn’t date people who don’t want kids seeing as how, apparently, once you have children, you can never again have anything of your own cause, “package deal”.
Reading comprehension is crazy because she literally never said she hates kids just that she didn't want them, but y'all don't know how to separate the two ideas.
NTA. I'd have done the same thing. I chose to never have children because I'm not someone who enjoys 99% of young children.
I knew I wasn't parent material and made sure I never became one.
As a teen when my older sister and all my friends were routinely babysitting, I only babysat for one family and the children were very unusual, like mini adults—the 1% I'm compatible with.
You've made your dislike for children clear. She ignored this and tried to force her children on you anyway.
What you need to ask all of your critics is why a mother who cares about her children would ever want someone who says they don't like children and doesn't want to babysit to watch her children? People wouldn't dream of leaving a dog with someone who doesn't like dogs.
Is she just so desperate to dump her kids that she'll leave them anywhere? Or is she so misogynistic that she thinks every woman should be forced to provide childcare?
This is what I respond to people who try to force their children on me.
ESH. She’s crazy for just trying to drop them off with you like that. But I really think that people who are so anti-kids and babysitting should stop marrying people with kids. Yes, they were adults, but it seems very myopic not to consider potential grandkids when your husband has several adult children. With their mom being deceased, it would have been ideal for everyone involved for him to marry someone willing to take on a grandparent role. This is just sad to me.
I think it's ideal for him to marry someone based of what he wants and needs in a partner rather than what q future generation might need. That's just bizarre.
It’s bizzare to *demand* your parent limits their dating pool because you as an adult want not only one (in this case the father) but two (his new wife) free babysitters.
Define grandparent role?
She likes spoiling the kids... just not being responsibility to keep them breathing.
Folks seem to have a preconceived notion as to what "my parents and step parents should do once I have kids." When someone has kids, they are on the hook for their kids/step-kids only. Not grands or great grands.
I never met one grandpa (he passed 4 months before I was born).. another passed as I turned 5. I didn't really miss their presence. I turned out okay, mostly. (I have some strong opinions that ruffle feathers.)
And the grandpa in this situation... should forgo the happiness he has found with OP to find someone else that wants to be Grandma? What the literal fudge. This reeks of entitlement. What if OP married him with the understanding that the kids didn't want kids but then birth control failed? Jeez Louise.
Idiocracy.
NTA. You made it clear from the beginning that you didn't want to babysit, and you and your husband agreed to ensure that he would be the primary caretaker when the grandkids were around. Kelly must respect your boundaries and understand that just because you’re married to her father doesn’t mean you automatically take on a traditional grandma role, especially when you’ve been upfront about your feelings. Stick to your guns and keep communicating your needs and boundaries firmly
NTA. She made her choice to procreate and you made your choice to be child-free. Both decisions are perfectly fine, until she chooses to disregard your wishes and to force her kids on you. She wanted the kids, so she can figure out her own childcare.
(I say this as a mom of young twins.)
NTA in this scenario. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to do any babysitting. I think I saw in other comments that she is aware of your background, and how your aversion to childcare came to be, she should respect that. Never bring your children to someone who doesn’t want them.
I think that it’s clear that Kelly is struggling with coming to terms with the fact that her children will not have the conventional grandparent relationship that she probably envisioned at one point in her life. There will be no going to their grandparents house for the weekend; just going to see grandpa.
As a CF person, you made the decision to complicate your own lifestyle by marrying into a less-than-ideal scenario (spouse with children who are making families of their own). You have put yourself in a position to have to leverage this dynamic indefinitely, because you and your spouse will never be two solitary CF people. Just as your stepchildren should respect your boundaries, you will have to show a little grace as they continue to adapt to how your lifestyle affects their father. This isn’t ideal for any party involved.
NTA. I’m also child free (wasn’t by choice, but super thankful for it now). I like to interact with kids momentarily, but I will NEVER babysit. It’s not my thing. Kids drive me nuts, and my patience runs out quick.
Kelly need a reality check. The “perfect nuclear family” is rare, and she needs to get it through her thick head that you are NOT a grandparent!
ESH — she’s not entitled to you being a babysitter and at the same time OP’s entitlement to never being inconvenienced ever is too much. You don’t want kids. Cool. Good for you. But whether you like it or not you have grandchildren now and families help each other out sometimes. You should be willing to help family out sometimes unless you don’t care about your relationship to them. Life involves doing things you don’t want to do sometimes to help others. But if you want to communicate you don’t want to be around these kids, risking self esteem issues, being a generally unhelpful thorn in the side of the family dynamic, that’s you’re business but don’t be surprised when people don’t like you.
"Entitlement to never being inconvenienced" because she doesn't want to be forced to babysit???
Y'all just throw around the word entitlement hoping it sticks...
DIL KNEW she doesn't babysit. Brought her kids anyway. KNEW dad wouldn't be in town so had time to make arrangements and didn't. THAT seems like entitlement. You'd have a leg to stand on if it was an emergency but it wasn't. Just DIL being disrespectful
NTA. My step Mom is much like you. She does have one child, my step sister, but even with her they were more buddies than parent child for better or worse. As a younger kid I never understood it but as I got older and as an adult I do understand it. She is a great person and was an excellent wife to my father up until his death she just wasn't comfortable with kids.
That being said I would never ask, let alone expect, her to watch my kids (I have 8). While I have chosen, and love, being a parent and little kids I don't expect everyone to be that way. I have seen a common trend, especially with large families, of shaming people who live child free lives and it's ridiculous. Not wanting kids is just as valid of a position to take as having a couple kids, or a ton of kids. To each their own and your daughter in law should have made other arrangements when your husband wasn't available.
NTA - Kelly needs to be accountable for her own childcare. She is lucky her father helps as she is not entitled to his time either. He could also easily tell her he’s unavailable.
NTA. How old are you and your husband and how long have you been married to your husband? If you met and married your husband when your stepkids were in their 20s i would assume you were in your 40s? Some people are saying tell stepdaughter the reason why you don't want to babysit. Because your parents forced you to care for your 4 younger siblings. I think that would backfire. I think stepdaughter might think/say you have much more experience in childcare than dad. So dad shouldn't have to. Stepdaughter might also say/think it's been such a long time since you were 16 surely an hour or two wouldn't kill you. She's really lucky your husband looks after her kids. She's not entitled to childcare from anyone
NTA. You were clear about not wanting to babysit, and your husband told her in advance that she should make other arrangements. It was wrong of her to try to pressure you into doing something you didn't agree to do. Unless there was a literal emergency, this wasn't a fair thing for her to ask of you.
(But maybe don't swear in front of children next time.)
NTA and the next of his kids that gets on his ass over it should volunteer to babysit.
They live too far away? Then they should volunteer to pay for a nanny.
They need to leave you both alone over this if they're not going to step up themselves.
NTA, you made your perspective known, she's far in the wrong here.
I do want to offer a softer perspective than everyone else. The whole situation is fucked, and your stepdaughter is completely wrong. I *do* think you should help more though, separate from the random drop off issue. You love your husband, and these are his kids. Even if you absolutely despise children (fair), you should step up and help however you can to lighten the load for your family out of love. If you aren't comfortable with solo babysitting, then it's not on the table, period. There are probably things you can do to help to lighten the load. Every relationship is give and take, and sometimes you do have to suck it up, your husband loves his grandkids, and his kids, and one of them needs help. That part of this just simply isn't about you, it's about giving for your partner, both to help family and also to forge those relationships. You're going to see the grandkids, they're going to be a part of your life, it's going to be best for your marriage to forge those ties.
All that being said, I don't get the impression they want a loving grandma, they want a free babysitter. Dropping off kids unannounced is absolutely fucking atrocious unless you're on the way to the ER. I don't get the impression you would have said no if it was a medical emergency. It is totally 100% appropriate for her to ask you to babysit ahead of time, and to keep asking. It is totally 100% appropriate for you to say no every time. It is not appropriate to treat the other person shitty (like she did). It is not appropriate to change plans at the last second for either of you.
If you don't want to be a grandparent to the kids, don't be. If you have lines in the sand, stand firm on them. You're still a spouse, and there's some level of obligation to your partner. That obligation does not require you to be walked over or stepped on, and it does not make you "the help."
NTA. Trying to force someone to watch their kids is expressway to get told to fuck off and get fukt. My sister pulled something similar with my nephew when he was 6mos old so her and our mom could go shopping. She tried pulling the “well I won’t bring your nieces and nephews over then anymore!” She wasn’t prepared for the “okay!” answer she got. She left in a huff after and tried crying to mom about it. Mom said, “did you ask him to watch or did you just basically throw the car seat at him and tell him?” “Well, I mean, he’s the uncle! He should want to watch him!” Our mom then called her a dumbass and an idiot and said you don’t just throw kids at someone randomly on a whim and expect it to be okay. Sister then called me and apologized. 😂😁
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NTA. However, this is not necessarily about who is an asshole or not, as I assume you would prefer to continue having good relations with her in the future. >We have talked to her multiple times. Have you described *why* you don't want to do it? Because I think if you frame it as you did here (essentially "I was forced to look after children when I was a child and ran away from home because of it") it is difficult to see how someone can still be pissed. Yes, the reddit hivemind will tell you they don't have a *right* to know this, and just your preference to not do it should be enough. And the reddit hivemind may be philosophically-morally correct. But sometimes in life you need to pick between being ideologically correct and actually getting the result you want.
Yes it was explained.
Then there's no excuse for her behavior whatsoever. You said no, you told her why, and she still pushed it. That's on her. NTA.
Also I want to point out… nobody owes stepdaughter babysitting either. They are her kids. Her responsibility. Why would you want to force your kids on someone who doesn’t want to be with them? That’s so bizarre.
Because some parents don't like to be with (their own) kids so they pawn them off to whoever they can... the idea of parenthood is often a lot nicer than the reality. (I love kids but they are also *exhausting* af).
I've stressed to my kids that they should only have their own kids someday if they absolutely 100% want them. I did, and I love them with all my heart, but holy shit is it hard work. I don't want any of them caving to pressure from society or thinking I want to be a grandma and being regretful parents. I'm annoyed my own father doesn't really spend time with my kids at all, but that's not for babysitting - I just want them to have grandparents that care. My stepmother (who my dad married when I was in my 30s, so similar to OP) clearly cares about my kids, which is more than enough. OP is definitely NTA.
I’ve had this same talk with my kids. Two of them REALLY don’t want kids and one is on the fence. I told them exactly what you did. I’ve also had to have a talking to with my father because he tried to tell my fence sitter that he might find a wonderful girl one day who also wants kids and her wouldn’t want her to get away right? Especially when he’d be such a great dad! I was pissed and, right in front of dad, told my kid “if someone tries to convince you to do something you don’t want to do, especially about something as huge as having kids, they aren’t the right person for you. No matter how wonderful they seem.” My dad was NOT happy I told my kid that. NTA OP. You have 100% transparent and open about your boundaries and your stepdaughter tried to walk all over them. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
"You'd be such a great dad" is such a shit reason to tell people to have kids. I hear that a lot. Look, I know myself. I've done the work and can fully admit who I am and my faults and NO, I would be a TERRIBLE dad. I would hate it. I am a messed up human being who has no business trying to help create new adults. I hate it when people disregard my choice and tell me I'd be a good dad. Fuck off with that noise. Even if it were true, respect the decisions I've made maybe? Good on you for not only hearing your kid and respecting his decision but standing up for him! That's a good parent!
I get the “you’d be a great mom” and I know I would. I would also resent my child(ren) because I want to spend my money on myself. I like my sleep. I like being able to do whatever I want, travel whenever I want (within reason, I have a horse and cats, lol). It’s much easier to someone to watch my cat and let my barn owner know I’m peacing out last minute then trying to find a babysitter.
I know someone who had a kid, was a TERRIFIC mother. And hated it. She discovered she didn’t like the dependency. She knew she didn’t enjoy little kids, but figured she would love her own. And she did, but didn’t enjoy raising the kid. So, she encouraged and celebrated each step towards independence, while doing her very best and loving the kid, and looking forward to adult hood. She didn’t resent the kid, kept it in mind it was her choice and she was determined she would do as good a job as she possibly could, according to what she thought was best (attachment parenting, hands on, volunteering at school, etc) but really really didn’t enjoy the earthy hands on little kid stuff! Lost contact with her when her kid was in elementary school, but I imagine she was happier with adolescence. She liked the mentor type work teens need better. Had she known, she wouldn’t have had a kid.
>"You'd be such a great dad" is such a shit reason to tell people to have kids. >I hear that a lot. Very true. I heard it a lot, too. What I didn't want to tell the people who kept telling me that was that we were *trying* to have kids, and we'd *been* having to try to have kids for a long time. We were eventually successful, but only after trying other avenues (foster to adopt, which didn't work out how we anticipated) and then eventually relying on medical help.
Also hear this a lot and I’m like that’s cool but I’m great at lotsa things and no one has suggested i devote my life to anything else lol
haha thankfully no one ever tells me I'd be a great mom. I think we all recognize that I make a great Fun Aunt for about a day or so, but even that one day is very overwhelming to me and after that I need time to recover
I have the reverse, my stepfather doesn’t spend time or see his own biological grandkids so my expectations for him to care about mine were already in hell lol my mother steps up constantly to see my kids and be an active grandparent. I’m sure it rubs him raw but he can’t complain - he screwed up with his own kids.
My stepmother never had kids, so she was already very much a "doting aunt" type. Instantly getting four grandkids she could occasionally spoil was a perk, and she has no obligation to them, so I'm decently happy with her involvement.
Yea perhaps the step daughter has viscerally confused this action as meaning her parents care about her feelings and needs aka if you love her this is what youll do - being mondays off childcare. When thats not the meaning of babysitting or family childcare favors. Like when my grandma couldnt babysit, my parents hired their friends daughter (teen). So it was seldom a babysitter etc. and back then, theyd also leave us home alone (had a younger sister) but there was no rule or agreement to treat gran as a live in nanny (she had her own house) or permanent routine. (There waa never weekly or monthly babysitting needs and there were 2 of us)
My “father” used to pawn us off on his parents just made my relationship with them stronger because my “father” stepmom and I lived with them until she got pregnant with her kid when I was five that being said I’m the oldest of all the six granddaughters and have always had that special bond with my grandparents and they’ll even call my “father” out when him and his wife are being unfair to me and treating me like I’m not their child just a free live in babysitter until the age of 14 when shit for brains(“father”) kicked me out until the summer when they couldn’t get a babysitter and tried to guilt trip me into coming back by saying he’s not eating right since I left four years later I haven’t gone back he didn’t speak to me all through highschool and he hasn’t spoke to me since my highschool graduation where he accused me of not being his child dispite him being the one that cheated multiple times not my mom
Omg. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! What a douchecanoe!
I hate this sentiment. Sure, nobody is owned anything, but EVERYONE needs help sometimes and it's okay to ask. In this instance the stepdaughter is the asshole, but generally speaking asking for help does not make you an asshole.
Agreed asking for help is totally reasonable. Unfortunately stepdaughter is not asking, she’s demanding and not accepting no for an answer.
Asking for help is fine. Showing up unannounced on doorsteps and demanding that people behave the way you want them to is not. And repeatedly asking for help from someone who has already declined to provide that help is silly.
Who said it’s not ok to ask for help sometimes? I’m saying it’s asshole behavior to try forcing OP to do something she’s made clear, she’s not willing to do. Showing up unannounced and when grandpa isn’t home, is asshole behavior. Stepdaughter is EXPECTING Op to just cave and do what she wants and FYI she never asked OP to babysit. She showed up unannounced. So your little statement is completely unnecessary.
Asking, yes. Expecting or feeling entitled to someone saying yes? No.
Asking for help the first time doesn’t make someone an asshole. “No,” is the end of it, and asking more and more is assholish behavior.
I think *asking* for help is fine, but it seems like she was demanding it, which is less fine. I get what you're saying, though, as it does seem like there's a real "no one owes anyone anything* attitude around here and in society now, generally. For example, some people equate even the smallest amount of responsibility for kids towards their siblings as parentification, and that gets to be silly. In this instance, and perhaps I'm assuming too much of OP, I imagine she'd be willing to help in a real emergency. But wanting regular, free childcare probably doesn't meet that criteria.
I think that's the point that the step daughter is expecting free babysitting. And that makes OPs stepdaughter the AH. If Grandpa can't do it, then the stepdaughter needs to make other arrangements. And I agree with others that said why would you push kids on someone who doesn't want them?
It’s not bizarre, she’s entitled. A lot of people are.
This. There’s no expectation for anyone to care for her kids. She had enough notice and could have made other plans. She’s trying to force OP into some sort of “grandmother stereotype” rather than listening to why this isn’t a good idea.
Probably because stepdaughter uses that time for her and isn’t willing to give it up. Well if you want me time then you shouldn’t have had kids. You have kids your life is now about them. At least that was mine.
Or pay a babysitter when grandpa isn't available
Genuinely, super weird to insist on leaving your kids with someone who has expressed that they do not want to be in charge of them. Someone not being willing to perform a task should be an automatic reason to no longer consider them for the task.
The problem is most people don't think that way, they see it as my parents will love having the kids and if they say no it's because they hate me or they're not loyal to the family. I see it all the time.
Sounds like step daughter is trying to pawn her kids off any chance she gets. Doesn't matter if her father is out of town, she will not watch her own kids. 🤣😂
And the other step kids too (when they have kids). That's why they are angry that OP won't babysit. OP, NTA
Exactly! It's not you it's on her. Respecting each other's boundaries is so important.
You shouldn’t have to explain anything to Kelly. You said no. She decided she didn’t care and is determined to make OP watch her children. I guess she believes she can break OP.
It's so wild to me that you have explained your position and she still wants you to watch her kids, not only because you've explained your position (which should be enough) but I personally would not want anyone watching my kid who didn't want to. That's so fucking weird to me.
Oh that’s such a good point, dumping kids on someone who is having to force themselves to pretend not to be mad as hell about it and resent the situation would feel pretty bad for them too and probably end up Damaging their relationship to OP. Like it sucks for everyone except step daughter.
Either Kelly thinks her children are the magical ones to turn OP into a proper woman and find her childcare gland or she actually isn’t as fond of OP as believed and happy to screw up her night in when hubby is out of town with dumping her kids on OP. I am child free. My childcare glands do nothing. I au paired and babysat to earn cash to get through high school when my parents cut me off. I cannot muster any nuturing for pets, plants or sourdough starter either. I’m always amazed how often me really not enjoying or knowing how to care for kids is the safe, sane, sensible thing while the ‘as a mother’ types are trying to palm their supposed darlings off on a person who cannot care for them safely such as kids in a pool with non swimmer, an un child proofed house, a hostile and rightly pissed off dad’s wife and not a safe caregiver. Who usually costs money… Which is probably the other issue here. Kids are expensive and Kelly sees OP have a nice standard of life and ‘her’ inheritance. So she owes Kelly now. Little power trip while dad is out of town. Depressingly common with second marriages.
Yup NTA, side note … so THIS is why the kids say we’re (Gen X) selfish 🥴 if we say no that’s what it means! Full stop Hell … we babysat the WHOLE neighborhood! As if being latch key wasn’t enough 😏
Wait, the kids remembered Gen X exists? That can't be right.
🤣
Why would anyone want their kids babysat by someone who clearly does not want to babysit them. I would be concerned for my children if I dropped them off with someone who clearly does not want to mind them. Stepdaughter needs to find appropriate child care - that isn't just free babysitting.
You down owe her shit. NTA
NTA, "No" is a complete sentence and you don't need to justify yourself. I'm in the same situation as you - no bio kids but am about to become a grandma anyway. My stepkids know better, though and I don't think I will be asked. I’ve already decided that I’m going to be the grandma that always has cookies instead of the one that babysits.
Honestly, I'm middle aged and refuse to date men with any age children just because somehow they always impose. NTA
NTA She doesn't seem to get it. Maybe you could send a link to a website about Parentification, so she can understand you experienced abuse as a kid, and that this is a trauma response to that abuse. She needs to get it. If you feel comfortable, send this link to any of her siblings applying pressure.
Kelly wants to dump her kids on anyone, even people who don't want them. She doesn't care.
I would never leave a kid somewhere they are not wanted
yeah that more than anything makes me do the "wait... what now?". Yes lets bring kids over to be looked after by a person I didn't ask, and who has made it clear to me they have no interest in watch my kids. I mean sure, if mom's arm had been ripped off in a bear attack and she needed OP to watch the kids while she drove herself to the urgent care... I get it. Makes sense. Otherwise... not so much.
She's going to drive pretty poorly with only one arm, lol. Seriously though, your post is on point.
Also you don't go to urgent care for a ripped off arm-- that's an ER visit if I've ever heard one.
She's physically able to drop off the kids, so its urgent care. Plus she's worried about the copay on the ER visit. Always have to think about things like that.
Honestly a lot of people just care about popping a kid out, but caring about them and being parents... nah 🤷🏻♀️ Edit: typo
Exactly. Cheaper than paying for daycare
This is bs. People like Kelly are entitled. A bio grandoarent has no obligation to baby sit and to say that a grand parent has to to do what an adult child wants to stay in their life is ridiculous. Kelly needs a reality check - no explanation is needed. Kelly needs to learn that in the same way she will say no to her own kids, others can say no to her. What exactly, do you expect OP to do to actually get the result she wants - which is for Kelly to drop her entitled bs, back off and not negatively impact the relationship due to Kelly's own follish entitlement?
I had a friend tell me her daughter who had 2 kids, 2 to 4 year olds, used to post on Facebook that she, the daughter, was doing grandma’s job when watching the kids. So obnoxious.
😶😶😶 I just, I can’t
Naw. People need to learn to respect a “no”. You never have to justify or explain why. It’s absolutely wild that she already knew this was a no, and she just showed up anyway. Talk about entitled. I would never have assumed or expected anyone to take care of MY kids. This “adult” is a spoiled brat.
I don’t think this woman needs to disclose her childhood trauma to her husband’s daughter to justify being able to say no NO is a complete sentence and it’s sad this other woman has grown to be old enough to be a parent and she still hasn’t learned that NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. So if OP wants to be a good stepmom she can teach this woman that people have a right to say no to her and they don’t have to justify that and get it approved by her for it to be valid
People who have children have a tendency to not view other's reasons to not have/care for them as invalid.
As a parent, it's astounding to me how many other parents come across insanely out of touch at how difficult parenting can be. Is it a joy most of the time? Sure, but that doesn't stop it from being a pain in the ass plenty of times, too. Too many of them are struggling for me to believe it's a privilege pov issue. I genuinely just think that if they have to acknowledge there's reasons not to have kids, they think it means they have to admit they felt required to have them.
I think you’ve encapsulated here what I’ve always wondered about - why some parents seem so resentful of child-free people. I have a friend who is child free and single, both by choice, and her mother is openly resentful of her choices, regularly making snide comments about how the daughter is not suffering the way *she* did.
> Is it a joy most of the time? Sure Lol what? I love my kid to death but parenting is a pain in the ass most of the time.
No one should have to explain why they don’t want to watch your kids. No is a complete sentence.
She doesn’t need to give a reason why. Her husband understands and that’s all that matters. The stepdaughter is creating problems where non existent because she’s pushing this onto her father’s wife.
"Getting the result you want"? - You assume OP desires to continue having a good relationship with Kelly but it sounds more like she just wants a peaceful life. OP made her wishes clear and never once led anyone on, Kelly disrespected that. In this case the result I'd want would probably be less Kelly in my life!
I’m confused. No is a full sentence. Why the need to explain no?
Nobody needs to explain why. People should respect it and move on like an adult.
I don’t think OP needs to explain.. “no” is enough of a complete sentence. If the step daughter needs a babysitter then she should hire one.
The "why" is irrelevant. "No" is a complete sentence. Don't justify entitlement
It sounds like stepdaughter is the way that she is because people her whole life have been coddling her. I don’t have to justify my reasons for not wanting to do something. People don’t have to agree with my reasons in order to accept my note. And the sooner they learn that the better off they will be in life.
No. This isn’t some kind of ideological or moral conflict. She doesn’t owe Kelly an explanation for why she won’t take care of her kids. No one does. They’ve discussed it - repeatedly - and the answer has always been a clear no. This isn’t a negotiation. OP does not need Kelly’s permission to refuse childcare. NTA.
In general, I agree with you that Reddit likes to get on a moral high horse and this sub likes to dish out advice that immediately goes toward the nuclear option. You're right that if OP wants to maintain a good relationship with her step kids going forward that she should avoid nuclear options. That being said, so should her step kids, and once one of them brings a nuclear option to the table (like showing up and throwing a tantrum trying to *force* her children onto someone unwilling... I mean, family drama removed, that is negligent parenting!) then OP has every right to set hard boundaries and protect herself. I also agree that she should not have to trauma dump to justify her no. On top of everything, Kelly's reasoning seems to be based, not just in delusion, but in misogynistic delusion. OP needs to watch the kids instead of ***their grandpa*** why exactly? What's her reasoning?
I disagree. Not everyone likes kids, saying you don't like kids usually paints you as an asshole but it's reason enough. OP has said no several times, and No is a complete answer. Unless an absolute emergency, stepdaughter is completely in the wrong here trying to force a role on OP that is not going to happen, and planning this out to force it on her.
No. It's not a philosophically-morally correct position. It's a personal preference. It's a boundary. The entitlement.... No further explanation necessary.
Absolutely not. She does not owe anyone an explanation. No is a complete sentence.
Yes and no. There is a perception that somehow others are entitled to know the why of us doing or not doing a certain thing. This has turned into us explaining the underlying trauma for why we don’t do a thing. This leads to situations where if there is no underlying trauma then there is no excuse. It’s a tiresome paradigm at best. No suffices, and we all need to get into the habit of using that word without explaining why. So you’re not wrong to say nuance might be a better course, but nuance can frequently feed the beast of entitlement.
"No" is a complete sentence. OP doesn't owe anyone an explanation.
NTA and who tf just drops off kids as if they're entitled to babysitting? "You need to step up" um no. Babysitting is a favor and she's not entitled to it. Especially when she has been told no. Your husband needs to have a long conversation with his daughter about her attitude because the only ones that have to step up are the parents of the children. Anyone else is doing them a favor.
Especially FREE BABYSITTING.
Even if OP is her own biological parent, she is still not entitled to free babysitting just because. She still has to respect it if OP said no.
Exactly, I am absolutely baffled at people who do this. My brother and his now ex-wife did this to my parents and it was astonishing to me that neither of them seem to even consider whether or not my parents may be had plans or anything like that ever.
My aunt used to do this ALL THE TIME. My Nana babysat my brother and I during the summer and other school holidays when my parents had to work. But that was established and discussed. And yes my Nana always paid for our lunch or whatever. My parents were eternally grateful and made-up for it where they could. Usually by taking the lead on Sunday dinners. My aunt (Nana's DIL) decided that she and her kids (ultimately became 4) were also entitled to a free lunch and admission to any activity we may be doing that day. She wouldn't ask ahead of time, she would just show up in the morning unannounced with all of her kids. And no, she wasn't dropping them off. She would stay, let her kids raid the fridge and pantry, and then have her oldest deal with cranky little siblings. She just watched TV. They did this several times a week, but never on Friday because that's when my uncle got paid, so she and the kids would pick-up his check, cash it, blow most of it, pay back whatever they had borrowed the week before, then wonder why they were having to borrow money from my grandparents by Wednesday. The cycle went on for so long, my grandpa would just take the cash, put it in a shoebox, then give my uncle back the same cash each week.
Good lord
Poverty mindset
"established and discussed. " this, right here. My parents watch my niece and nephew on Wednesdays, their other set of grandparents watch them on Tuesdays. Each week we have family dinner night. And, if one set of grandparents cant have them for some reason, usually the other set will gladly have them. It's all established and discussed and the kids get to spend time with family/extended family. It's unfortunate that it doesn't always turn out this way :(
For real. Honestly I can understand "hey I know this isn't your favorite thing, but I have to work and don't have a plan for today because Dad usually watches the kids. Could you please do me this favor?" But "you need to step up" is not cool.
Honestly, with the Dad having canceled babysitting ahead of time, I don't think "Hey I don't have anybody else" would be an acceptable reason here. If you know ahead of time that your usual arrangement won't work, find an alternative ahead of time. Emergency? Fine. But not something that can be planned for.
> Kelly has gotten in her head that I should be doing the babysitting instead of her father. She 100% does have a plan, and that plan smells like sexism.
Yup, even women can be misogynistic.
That would have been totally acceptable if she called to talk about it, say she's really stuck, even beg. But just showing up at her house with the kids to put that pressure on her is still way out of line. So entitled.
She had warning from the dad. I could see maybe if it were an emergency but she knew he was away and never bothered to make other plans.
Anyone telling me "you need to step up" will automatically get a hell no, I'm fast approaching my 50s and nobody gets to tell me what I "need" to be doing. If I volunteer then wonderful, but I won't be voluntold.
I hear you. Last time someone told me something I "need" to do (for free) I lost my shit and told them "I don't *need* to do a damned thing. I don't take orders anymore (retired military) and I don't do anything I don't want to do. ***Period***."
The "you need to step up" part really gets to me. Like, no lady, YOU need to step up. They're YOUR kids. And who dumps their kids off on someone they know doesn't want them? Signed, mom of 1 and pregnant with baby 2. NTA 1000x over.
Exactly! Does anyone think there is the "but women are supposed to like kids" going on here? People ask me (f) if I want to hold their new baby, I do not but my husband does.
There was another Reddit story about a man, his sister, and his wife. Op and his wife have a 6 month baby, I believe. The sister told them from the get-go that she didn't want to interact with the baby as she isn't comfortable or liked them. The wife constantly ignores this and tries to get the sister involved with their kid and gets upset when sister says no if I remember correctly. The wife ends up telling op to cut off the sister over the baby drama and op doesn't want to
Dropping off? More like abandoning them in a technical sense. I will leave my home if you try to drop off anyone I don't want to see. You leave them means they will be alone because I will "remember" an adult only errand I need to run that's life or death.
Oh exactly. If I were OP I'd warn her that if she tried to drop and run with the kids then I would be calling police and CPS for child abandonment
I don't even do this to my own mother who likes being an grandma and I only have one kid who likes to read and be quiet 💀 I couldn't dream about doing this to her boyfriend of all people.
And someone unrelated to her. NTA op
NTA. Where is her own mother in this? Her husband? Her other in-laws?
She’s dead. My husband remarried after her death I don’t know about her FIL
Idk why this commenter is acting like your stepdaughter needs to have a relative babysit. Tell her she needs to find a qualified nanny if she is so desperate to have alone time she will pawn her kid off on someone who actively refuses to care for children.
I don’t think the problem is a need for someone else to watch her kid. The stepdaughter isn’t right but I think she is using the babysitting as a way to force OP to bond with the child
Fair angle, hadn’t thought of it. I honestly don’t agree, I think she just feel entitled to the alone time, but it wouldn’t be the first time a person tries to force a childfree woman into changing their mind through babysitting.
Do we know that OP drops the kid off for alone time? As opposed to working or something? Either way, OP is obviously NTA. I’m wondering where the assumption that the daughter uses the childcare help for alone time came from though
I agree with this, and I do feel sympathy for Kelly because a lot of this likely stems from the fact that her mom passed away and she feels like she is missing out on bonding with her mom through being a grandma. I still think it’s an AH move to try to drop your kids off to someone who doesn’t want them, but I feel bad for her.
This. A lot of people seem to be ragging on Kelly that she wants free babysitting but from the comments she has no mother or mother in law and a very hands off step mother (no disrespect to OP). I think she obviously feels her kids are missing out on having a grandma and she must miss her mother figure. Yeah she’s an AH for not respecting op boundaries however I do have some empathy for her too
I agree, her mother is gone and the MIL is in a different state which only leaves op as the closest grandmother figure for the baby. Ik op said she explained to her step kids about her past already but maybe there needs to be a deeper conversation had. Op has every right to feel the way she does about kids but I think this might just boil down to how she treats them. Is she going to be present and interact w them or is she going to ignore the kid for the first 18-21 years? These could be Kelly’s concerns and she just choosing an AH way of going about it
NTA, you set a boundary and now she is trying to trample over it. Stick to your boundary as her father even informed her that he is out of town and she has to find somebody else to watch the kids.
Even if you were ok with babysitting, she’s being very entitled. Babysitting isn’t a given. She chose to have children & it’s up to her to figure out childcare.
Grandparents are not obliged to provide free babysitting.
Especially when they’re not the actual grandparent.
Even if they're the actual grandparent.
Literally none of the people you listed off here owe this girl free childcare. If she's going to ask someone to regularly do labor for her then she better fucking pay them. She made the kid, she can make the sacrifices to pay for someone to help care for the kid.
NTA. You have firm boundaries and everyone understood what those were. Glad your husband is on your side. Stepdaughter is outside her mind for thinking that you should be more of a "traditional grandma" when you weren't/aren't a mother figure to her. Moreover, asking someone who has made it clear they will not babysit to babysit is just lunacy. I can't imagine being a parent and willingly leaving my kids with someone who isn't willing to devote time and attention to them. It's not a safe environment and more to the point, you shouldn't be put in the position of having to care for kids when you're not in the best place to do so.
I agree, I also think Kelly is pushing boundaries seeing how far she can get away with because she’s her dad’s daughter. A subtle but douchey manipulation technique
Agreed with everything but subtle lol She showed up at the house and argued with OP on her front stoop. This was calculated “fuck her, she needs to STEP UP bc my mom’s dead.” Energy. OP doesn’t have as good of a relationship with Kelly as she thinks, even before this blow up. The kids are probably harboring resentment
Kelly is harboring resentment. We don't know what the other adult children of her husband is thinking or feeling. They at least respect OP's boundaries and aren't dropping their kids off at Grandpa's when they know he's not at home. OP is NTA.
Ikr?! If I would've went to bring my kids to their *regular* sitter and she wasn't feeling it, I sure as shit wouldn't press the issue, let alone someone who has literally never shown any interest besides basic interaction. NTA, btw. You have boundaries, and it's nothing new. DIL was just inconvenienced and taking out her poor planning on you.
"his other children are on his ass", yet somehow unwilling to step up themselves?
Kelly is taking one for the team. If they work together now, they all can convince OP of her need to babysit in the future.
Nahhhhh... I think this is a power-move, they want to feel like their father's new wife is their servant.
I didn’t get that, but ok
Or they want to convince their father to find a wife who is more grandchild-oriented. This issue won’t go away for the dad, not once the other kids start having kids. It’s just going to escalate.
Unless he makes it clear that he won’t force her to do it. Then it won’t escalate unless he lets them
its easier to volunteer other peoples' time and resources than your own
How is he unable to shut that down in one conversation with each child?
*She told me that I need to step up and babysit. That she doesn’t care if her dad isn’t here, I am present.* NTA. Umm, NO. She doesn't determine or demand, what, if anything, you do with your time. It sounds as if you have been fully upfront as to not doing childcare, presumably why your husband does it. She sounds entitled and has a serious failure to recognize boundaries. Those who are upset can step up when your husband is unavailable, or she can find a backup sitter. I would not entertain any further discussion regarding this.
I would have told off kelly in much more colorful language 😂
This is why I’d never marry a man with kids, even if they’re adults. I do not want to be adjacent to parenting or grand parenting.
Okay, THANK YOU. You get it. Don't ever want kids? Don't marry a guy with them. Or going through a divorce, or with adult kids, or with any of that bandango. Just. Don't. If you don't want kids, marry a bachelor. I'm pretty sure there's a WHOLE show about it.
The kids were adults and the husband understands and backs OP up. I don’t think this was to be expected.
She didn't think grandkids were expected? If your partner has grandkids, they are a part of your life too. She should have married a man who equally disliked kids as much as her.
They are a part of her life. She accepts that without problems. She is still not responsible for babysitting them. Even if she was the woman's biological mother - she's not responsible for taking care of them just because the daughter demands it. That's not how it works.
She doesn't want to watch other people's kids that doesn't mean she dislikes kids.
The things is she didn’t say she didn’t like her grandkids she just said she won’t being caring for any children without their parents around or babysitting. She clearly said she enjoyed being the fun family member with toys so she obviously interacts so that’s not the issue her it’s the DIL
My sister died 10 yrs ago, with her second husband left with their 2 young children while older ones went to their dad. So now he is remarried. And has 2 young children of her own, and is refusing to caring for the 13 and 15 yr old if their dad isn't home because "they aren't her children".. First few years together it was no big deal, but now she has her own children she turned off care for others. The 13 yr old is still undergoing counselling, she not only lost her mom but her older siblings went to university or to live their dad. I imagine she thought this new wife would continue to be like a mother to her! If I still lived in home country I would have taken the young two in a heartbeat. Am gobsmacked this man is letting her suddenly reject his children, especially given their mom dying so young. I never imagined someone could do this, kids were likely be with their half sisters before year is out because boy is now receiving physical response to dad's stress, seeing the kids not even spoken too or allowed to be near the 1 and 3 yr olds. Another thing for divorced parents to consider when moving on.
This is tough for the kids, but not uncommon. People have kids with different partners and try to convince themselves that they've somehow created one big happy family. No, you've created two families; your kids have different homes and different parents and different extended families. Once the link between the two families is no longer in the picture, the split loyalties and disparate agendas suddenly become apparent.
There are plenty of happy blended families. Just because some people fail to be decent human beings doesn't mean that all of us do.
This is the way to go about it.
NTA force child free people to babysit your child is not good for child. You made yourself very clear about this. Kelly needs to find second and third babysitter that she can trust. What if she needs a babysitter in emergency situation when you and your husband don't available.
Tbh I do not understand aggressively CF people who marry people with children. Even when they grow up they are still that partners child. That includes possibly grandchildren. Having grown up in a situation like this but as the child…it fucking sucks to know someone who would typically be in a grandparent role wants nothing to do with you. To be clear, you aren’t TA for not babysitting. SD sucks for being so aggressive, even if it’s coming from a good place. I just wish CF people would consider this first before marrying people with children.
I can see both sides. But it’s not like op ignores the kid, she just doesn’t want to be responsible for them, she said she brings them gifts and other fun stuff. I grew up with a “step-grandpa” who didn’t have children. My parents were very clear on his role in our life and my grandmothers. I knew he was my grandmas husband rather than my grandpa. When I would spend time with my grandma, she did the caretaking and he would sometimes play with us but not always. I think outside influence will play a major role here.
I don't think this really applies, since the kids were grown up. Even if grandkids are in the picture, most people would respect OP's "no". I think this stepdaughter is a unique case of annoying
> it fucking sucks to know someone who would typically be in a grandparent role wants nothing to do with you. Seems like you read a different post than I did. OP doesn't want to raise or watch kids but is perfectly fine in family functions. This does not extend to "free services" to independent adults who should be able to manage their own shit and raise their own kids.
Isnt it more the grandpa with kids that should consider marrying someone cf? If he wants to reduce the pool of potential partners for his adult kids needs or not?
NTA. Sounds like you were perfectly clear in expressing your opinion. Kelly just wasn't listening and she obviously like the free grandpa babysitting service. Girl needs to update her expectations when Grandpa isn't around.
You've made your position clear. She's lucky her dad will watch her kids. Hubby & I never assumed our parents would take our kids (they both lived out of state), but we were happy if they asked for our kids to visit for a week in the summer, and they were related to them! She has real gall in trying to force you to watch them and you're NTA.
I think there’s a lot of resentment in our generation because, for many of us, our parents’ parents did a ton of heavy lifting to raise us when we were kids, our parents pushed us to have kids so they could be grandparents (like their parents, we naively assumed), but then our parents are never around and scold us for being entitled for thinking they’ll be the involved grandparents they raised us with. Now, none of this is OP’s problem. She’s not mom, she’s not grandma, and it sounds like grandpa is helping as much as he can. But if she’s wondering why stepdaughter’s entitled attitude is getting some traction, that’s why. As a class, boomers have been pretty shitty grandparents.
Wow, you just put into words what has been frustrating me with my boomer parents — I spent a ton of time at my grandma’s house when I was a kid, my parents *begged* me to have kids, and now they don’t ever see them. Haven’t been out to visit since long before the pandemic. It really sucks.
>wondering why stepdaughter’s entitled attitude is getting some traction Yep this was my thought too when OP wrote the other kids are dogpiling on. I would bet $100 they had happily involved grandmothers and there's culture shock (broken expectations) now that their own kids won't have that relationship. I don't think kids who grew up with mean/uninvolved grandmothers would be so interested in enforcing stereotypes of loving grandparent/grandchild relationships on an unwilling stepparent.
Pure facts!!! I literally grew up in the house next door to my aunts and granny. My mom was also a teen mom. Do you think she’s a good grandma? My son is 6 my mom moved across the country and seen my son TWICE lol. Meanwhile my I seen my granny every day and she and her siblings helped each other with school pick up/drops off, appointments etc. she does nothing except send a gift on birthdays and Christmas.
NTA. I would have told her that if she abandons her kids on my property, I will call the police. She is not entitled to free childcare, not even from your husband. I think he needs to take a break from babysitting to remind her.
OP: I hate kids. Also OP: I married a man with three kids. I don’t like kids either. That’s why my partner is also child free. You married into a family-oriented situation so you will at some point encounter children. I wouldn’t babysit them either but that’s what you get for marrying a dad.
Encountering kids isn't the problem: being told by an entitled 3rd party that she "must" caregive a kid is the problem.
She married a man with adult kids. It’s different.
It’s different in that your role as a parent is different with adult children, but you don’t stop being a parent (or stepparent) just because they’re adults. It’s still a package deal.
But, he knew that and he made a choice to have the relationship anyway. I mean, why is everyone pissed at OP but he remains blameless. Maybe he shouldn’t date people who don’t want kids seeing as how, apparently, once you have children, you can never again have anything of your own cause, “package deal”.
>Also OP: I married a man with three kids. The kids were adults. It's unreasonable to put this on OP.
Reading comprehension is crazy because she literally never said she hates kids just that she didn't want them, but y'all don't know how to separate the two ideas.
Adult kids. Who should be able to rationally understand that no babysitting is no babysitting. Babysitting =|= bonding, that's just an excuse
NTA. You dont have to babysit if you dont want to. Its not your kid.
NTA. I'd have done the same thing. I chose to never have children because I'm not someone who enjoys 99% of young children. I knew I wasn't parent material and made sure I never became one. As a teen when my older sister and all my friends were routinely babysitting, I only babysat for one family and the children were very unusual, like mini adults—the 1% I'm compatible with. You've made your dislike for children clear. She ignored this and tried to force her children on you anyway. What you need to ask all of your critics is why a mother who cares about her children would ever want someone who says they don't like children and doesn't want to babysit to watch her children? People wouldn't dream of leaving a dog with someone who doesn't like dogs. Is she just so desperate to dump her kids that she'll leave them anywhere? Or is she so misogynistic that she thinks every woman should be forced to provide childcare? This is what I respond to people who try to force their children on me.
ESH. She’s crazy for just trying to drop them off with you like that. But I really think that people who are so anti-kids and babysitting should stop marrying people with kids. Yes, they were adults, but it seems very myopic not to consider potential grandkids when your husband has several adult children. With their mom being deceased, it would have been ideal for everyone involved for him to marry someone willing to take on a grandparent role. This is just sad to me.
I think it's ideal for him to marry someone based of what he wants and needs in a partner rather than what q future generation might need. That's just bizarre.
It’s bizarre to consider other people and how your actions impact them? 🤔
It’s bizzare to *demand* your parent limits their dating pool because you as an adult want not only one (in this case the father) but two (his new wife) free babysitters.
Define grandparent role? She likes spoiling the kids... just not being responsibility to keep them breathing. Folks seem to have a preconceived notion as to what "my parents and step parents should do once I have kids." When someone has kids, they are on the hook for their kids/step-kids only. Not grands or great grands. I never met one grandpa (he passed 4 months before I was born).. another passed as I turned 5. I didn't really miss their presence. I turned out okay, mostly. (I have some strong opinions that ruffle feathers.) And the grandpa in this situation... should forgo the happiness he has found with OP to find someone else that wants to be Grandma? What the literal fudge. This reeks of entitlement. What if OP married him with the understanding that the kids didn't want kids but then birth control failed? Jeez Louise. Idiocracy.
Just because the kids have kids, doesn't mean OP is even remotely responsible for them
Yes the kids should have demanded their father limits his dating pool to what’s best for them.
NTA. You made it clear from the beginning that you didn't want to babysit, and you and your husband agreed to ensure that he would be the primary caretaker when the grandkids were around. Kelly must respect your boundaries and understand that just because you’re married to her father doesn’t mean you automatically take on a traditional grandma role, especially when you’ve been upfront about your feelings. Stick to your guns and keep communicating your needs and boundaries firmly
NTA - Let husband tell his adult children that this was agreed upon when they married and they are not going to disrespect your wishes on this.
NTA She would not hear no any other way. You all had talked about this and she still brought kids over after your husband canceled.
NTA. She made her choice to procreate and you made your choice to be child-free. Both decisions are perfectly fine, until she chooses to disregard your wishes and to force her kids on you. She wanted the kids, so she can figure out her own childcare. (I say this as a mom of young twins.)
NTA I’m pretty sure you made your preference abundantly clear. (That’s not criticism.)It’s not your fault the daughter chose to ignore and impose.
NTA in this scenario. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to do any babysitting. I think I saw in other comments that she is aware of your background, and how your aversion to childcare came to be, she should respect that. Never bring your children to someone who doesn’t want them. I think that it’s clear that Kelly is struggling with coming to terms with the fact that her children will not have the conventional grandparent relationship that she probably envisioned at one point in her life. There will be no going to their grandparents house for the weekend; just going to see grandpa. As a CF person, you made the decision to complicate your own lifestyle by marrying into a less-than-ideal scenario (spouse with children who are making families of their own). You have put yourself in a position to have to leverage this dynamic indefinitely, because you and your spouse will never be two solitary CF people. Just as your stepchildren should respect your boundaries, you will have to show a little grace as they continue to adapt to how your lifestyle affects their father. This isn’t ideal for any party involved.
NTA. I’m also child free (wasn’t by choice, but super thankful for it now). I like to interact with kids momentarily, but I will NEVER babysit. It’s not my thing. Kids drive me nuts, and my patience runs out quick. Kelly need a reality check. The “perfect nuclear family” is rare, and she needs to get it through her thick head that you are NOT a grandparent!
Even a grandparent has the right to say no
NTA. You were just dad’s wife until she had children. Suddenly you became family because she needed a babysitter.
ESH — she’s not entitled to you being a babysitter and at the same time OP’s entitlement to never being inconvenienced ever is too much. You don’t want kids. Cool. Good for you. But whether you like it or not you have grandchildren now and families help each other out sometimes. You should be willing to help family out sometimes unless you don’t care about your relationship to them. Life involves doing things you don’t want to do sometimes to help others. But if you want to communicate you don’t want to be around these kids, risking self esteem issues, being a generally unhelpful thorn in the side of the family dynamic, that’s you’re business but don’t be surprised when people don’t like you.
You ask for a favor, not demand it. That’s when the daughter fucked up. You don’t tell someone as the woman they should be doing the childcare.
"Entitlement to never being inconvenienced" because she doesn't want to be forced to babysit??? Y'all just throw around the word entitlement hoping it sticks... DIL KNEW she doesn't babysit. Brought her kids anyway. KNEW dad wouldn't be in town so had time to make arrangements and didn't. THAT seems like entitlement. You'd have a leg to stand on if it was an emergency but it wasn't. Just DIL being disrespectful
NTA. The absolute AUDACITY to just show up and try to dump kids off KNOWING full well you said you would not do it. Unreal.
NTA. Sounds like she thought she could bully you into it and found out!
Kelly has gotten it into her head that you should babysit, not her dad?? What in the 1950s is that all about? NTA.
NTA. My step Mom is much like you. She does have one child, my step sister, but even with her they were more buddies than parent child for better or worse. As a younger kid I never understood it but as I got older and as an adult I do understand it. She is a great person and was an excellent wife to my father up until his death she just wasn't comfortable with kids. That being said I would never ask, let alone expect, her to watch my kids (I have 8). While I have chosen, and love, being a parent and little kids I don't expect everyone to be that way. I have seen a common trend, especially with large families, of shaming people who live child free lives and it's ridiculous. Not wanting kids is just as valid of a position to take as having a couple kids, or a ton of kids. To each their own and your daughter in law should have made other arrangements when your husband wasn't available.
Who even leaves their kids with someone who doesn’t want to care for them? That is disrespectful at best and crazy at worst.
NTA. Anyone saying she might understand if you explained why to her is wrong. No is a complete answer.
NTA - Kelly needs to be accountable for her own childcare. She is lucky her father helps as she is not entitled to his time either. He could also easily tell her he’s unavailable.
NTA. How old are you and your husband and how long have you been married to your husband? If you met and married your husband when your stepkids were in their 20s i would assume you were in your 40s? Some people are saying tell stepdaughter the reason why you don't want to babysit. Because your parents forced you to care for your 4 younger siblings. I think that would backfire. I think stepdaughter might think/say you have much more experience in childcare than dad. So dad shouldn't have to. Stepdaughter might also say/think it's been such a long time since you were 16 surely an hour or two wouldn't kill you. She's really lucky your husband looks after her kids. She's not entitled to childcare from anyone
NTA. You were clear about not wanting to babysit, and your husband told her in advance that she should make other arrangements. It was wrong of her to try to pressure you into doing something you didn't agree to do. Unless there was a literal emergency, this wasn't a fair thing for her to ask of you. (But maybe don't swear in front of children next time.)
NTA and the next of his kids that gets on his ass over it should volunteer to babysit. They live too far away? Then they should volunteer to pay for a nanny. They need to leave you both alone over this if they're not going to step up themselves.
She needs to find a daycare.
NTA, you made your perspective known, she's far in the wrong here. I do want to offer a softer perspective than everyone else. The whole situation is fucked, and your stepdaughter is completely wrong. I *do* think you should help more though, separate from the random drop off issue. You love your husband, and these are his kids. Even if you absolutely despise children (fair), you should step up and help however you can to lighten the load for your family out of love. If you aren't comfortable with solo babysitting, then it's not on the table, period. There are probably things you can do to help to lighten the load. Every relationship is give and take, and sometimes you do have to suck it up, your husband loves his grandkids, and his kids, and one of them needs help. That part of this just simply isn't about you, it's about giving for your partner, both to help family and also to forge those relationships. You're going to see the grandkids, they're going to be a part of your life, it's going to be best for your marriage to forge those ties. All that being said, I don't get the impression they want a loving grandma, they want a free babysitter. Dropping off kids unannounced is absolutely fucking atrocious unless you're on the way to the ER. I don't get the impression you would have said no if it was a medical emergency. It is totally 100% appropriate for her to ask you to babysit ahead of time, and to keep asking. It is totally 100% appropriate for you to say no every time. It is not appropriate to treat the other person shitty (like she did). It is not appropriate to change plans at the last second for either of you. If you don't want to be a grandparent to the kids, don't be. If you have lines in the sand, stand firm on them. You're still a spouse, and there's some level of obligation to your partner. That obligation does not require you to be walked over or stepped on, and it does not make you "the help."
NTA, she isn’t entitled to Monday babysitting
NTA. Trying to force someone to watch their kids is expressway to get told to fuck off and get fukt. My sister pulled something similar with my nephew when he was 6mos old so her and our mom could go shopping. She tried pulling the “well I won’t bring your nieces and nephews over then anymore!” She wasn’t prepared for the “okay!” answer she got. She left in a huff after and tried crying to mom about it. Mom said, “did you ask him to watch or did you just basically throw the car seat at him and tell him?” “Well, I mean, he’s the uncle! He should want to watch him!” Our mom then called her a dumbass and an idiot and said you don’t just throw kids at someone randomly on a whim and expect it to be okay. Sister then called me and apologized. 😂😁