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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my siblings that i dont want to take care of our mom forever 2) being slightly selfish about it when i dont really need to move out
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NTA
It is always amazing to me that family members who call someone selfish are generally the ones that are actually selfish.
Your Mom is selfish to want you to give up your life to keep her company. She had a life the life she wanted with husband and family - so why shouldn't you have your own life. The best years of your life would be spent caring for her and then when she passes, you would be starting your life over
Your siblings are selfish as well. They are living the life they want. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to house Mom as she could eventually help with the kids etc. Tell one of them to get an in-law appt.
Live your own life. Visit your Mom when you can BUT do not give up your chance to experience life.
OP should move out now while the siblings are still living at home. That way they can get used to her being gone. She shouldn't wait until after they start getting married.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This is EXCELLENT advice. It will be much, much easier to move out & establish a new relationship with your mother as an independent adult NOW, when other people are still at home to fill the void.
NTA. You are not your mother's emotional support pet. You were not created as a toy or pet to be used by others for entertainment.
Perhaps she needs a pet, actually, to feel more useful & needed!
My mom became very emotionally dependent on me for the last years of her life. I loved her, but it wasn't the relationship we should have had. It was too much, for too long, & I ended up with resentment for how it all happened.
NTA.
> You are not your mother's emotional support pet.
Sadly, many people have children for exactly this reason: to serve their physical and psychological needs when they are elderly.
NTA. I feel very badly for you. Is it possible for you to get a job? Money can buy your freedom. Don't waste any more of your life on what might have been.
Your mother needs to discover herself and make friends her own age. She won't do that if you stay. Visit her often. Encourage the rest of your siblings to have her visit.
My mother also expected me to be her best friend and it’s hard to break away from that guilt because she installed the button that triggers your guilt and knows exactly how and when to push it. Just remember that. She raised you to feel guilty for not putting her needs above your own. Unfortunately the only way to unlearn the guilt is to break away and work through it. But when you do you’ll be shocked at how free you feel. Seek out therapy if you need support to do this.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. NTA at all.
Be aware that they are gaslighting you. Maybe not intentionally, but they’ve been indoctrinated into an unjust and discriminatory way of thinking. Their worldview is so oppressive that it prevents you from being your true self. As a result, they can’t understand why you want what you want, and the only way they can rationalize it is by accusing you of being selfish. Whether you are honest with them about who you are or not, the fact that you are different will be used against you. To make you feel guilty and submit to their wishes.
You have to remember that their judgements are based on false perceptions of reality, and you must contextualize their comments as such in order to adequately resist internalizing them. It’s not worth engaging with them unless you are able to tell them the truth and they are able to accept it. I recognize that day may never come.
Until then, best to just say, “Okay, selfish or not, I’m not going to throw my own life and desires away just because they are different than yours. This is what I will be doing, whether you want me to or not. I will put in my equal share of effort caring for mom. Whether you choose to match that yourselves is up to you.”
She won't be alone, your sisters are there.
You are allegedly selfish because she would be alone when you all move out, but what will your fate be when she eventually dies? You will be just as alone, but unlike her, you wouldn't have got to live your life first.
Here is the thing, chances are you’ll never be able to change your family’s mind. You need to go out and live your life despite this. It’s not going to be easy, but please don’t waste your life away trying to get your family’s approval. It will likely never come.
And frankly I can pretty much guarantee it’ll never come while you’re still living at home. Best case scenario, you move out now and in 10-15 years they finally have some self reflection and realize you’re thriving and they were wrong to hold you back. But that may never happen. Either way, you only get one life and you need to live it.
Good luck. I’m sorry you are being put through this, but frankly once you are in your own place it’ll be a whole lot easier to ignore your family and then you can decide what role they will have in your life. Not the other way around.
but there is no need for her to be alone. if for no reason than you have 3 other siblings she can live with.
at the same time- as others have said- this is the chance for her to find out who she is as a person and not as wife or mother. however, while you can suggest that she go places or do things- at the end of the day, that's on her.
only she can live her life. while only you can live your life.
Your siblings don't feel any guilt. Why should you? You deserve to live your life truthfully. A life in the closet as your moms emotional support pet sounds like torture.
OP, my grandmother wanted my mother and I BOTH to quit our jobs and be with her in a one bedroom apartment. Basically splitting up the day so she was never alone, even while sleeping. Read the 'never alone' as actually waiting on her hand and foot.
This was a very selfish woman my grandmother and it's a VERY good thing I didn't find out about her little 'idea' until after the woman was dead.
Don't let your mom OR siblings be my grandmother. YOU deserve a life. Your mother is only alone because she won't make any effort. My grandmother expected EVERYONE to come to HER. And that she had to make ZERO effort in life over all.
Guilt is only as powerful as you let it be in your life. As others have pointed out, mom isn't alone right now.
Your mom will figure it out. It's not your problem or responsibility to solve her problems for her.
She is a grown woman and cam dealnwith being alone. If she can't, she can get therapy.
Let her figure it out.
Don't feel guilty.
Honestly leave as soon as you have the financial means, if you have them now then make a plan and leave. Live your life, date women, find a partner if you want to! You can have your own little family with just yourself! Add some pets or plants if you want and explore being a lesbian openly away from your family and you might even end up falling in love!
I know that at this time it might sound undoable but it is. Once you leave the possibilities for your life are endless and you can live freely! Hoping for the best for you! NTA!!
Just move out and don't tell anyone.
Once your officially move out then tell them that you have a place and you won't be back.
Let them figure it out and deal with their mom.
They don't get to leave all the responsibility to you so they can live their own lives.
They don't get to call you selfish for wanting to do the exact same thing they want to do.
They all want to leave.
But you can't because your single.
Yeah no that's not how it works.
Just leave.
INFO is your mom capable to look after small children? Then she could live with one of your siblings as the live in babysitter. She won't be alone and they will have someone to help them with kids.
Guilt and obligation is what some people use to keep family members in line. People who truly love you want the best for you.
Your mother can move in with one of your siblings after they get married. But your mother is young. She needs to be independent. Find hobbies. Meet people. Feel useful.
Go live your life. Move out as soon as you can.
If you need help, find a therapist who can help you work through your feelings.
I feel very bad for you not being able to live your authentic life. I hope that you will find other family - family that you choose, and in time will be able to fall in love marry and live a full life. You deserve it. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA.
You need to make sure that you’re the first to move out, otherwise if you’re left at home with just your mother it’s going to be much, much harder.
Also start getting her involved in your community, in joining groups and finding other interests. She might want to take steps to volunteer if she isn’t working. Also consider if she actually does want to move back home closer to your family.
If you don’t want to be the person solely looking after your mother when everyone has moved out and have their own families, you will need to consider how close/far you’re going to live from everyone.
The reality is you will not escape the feeling of guilt. You are part of a culture that has it ingrained. Your siblings are taking their out and you freely admit you can't take it. There are, sadly, only two solutions:
1. You reveal your sexuality and know that it will make your family estranged. It is the hard road, but one that is honest. If they accept you then you can have a happy result ultimately with a female partner, if that's what you choose, and have every right to leave like your siblings.
2. You simply tell them that you will be leaving to have your own life as well regardless of their opinions, and you swallow the guilt and work with a therapist to help you move past it. No one today can help you with guilt that has been DECADES in the making and CENTURIES being perfected. It will take time, patience, and personal forgiveness. You do not need / will you abandon your mother. Tell her you need a chance to live your life to learn who you are, and that you still want to and will care for her. But remind her that companionship can be through phone as well as in person. And that responsibility for health and finances needs to be shared. Your siblings can each take turns having mother live with them when they have new children for a year at a time, which is how many east indian families do with their elderly relatives.
3. If your family wants to be beholden to tradition, remind them that the OLDEST MALE is in charge, so tell them that tradition dictates he's the one who cares for mother and you will be leaving it all to him. When he balks at this, ask him why he thinks it was okay to use 'tradition' and 'custom' when it suited him but not when it suits you? Then when they decide tradition is no longer the reason to do something, tell them great, the non-traditional approach of everyone sharing care is what you will follow. You can contribute financially and they can contribute physically.
NTA - but your mother isn't either, and it really sounds like she needs professional help to recover from the stress of her life as a caregiver and then the loss of your father. If her health improves a bit, would it be possible from a pragmatic point of view to change things little by little? A day trip somewhere, eventually a weekend away, then longer... if she needs someone 24/7, perhaps someone could be hired. Your siblings should be able to help there - really, if they're going to follow the old tradition of the last remaining unmarried adult child doing most of the work of caring for the elderly parents, they should have plenty of resources left over to make that job easier for you!
NTA...Move out and live your own life. You know they're never going to agree with you, so you have to simply let that part go, and refuse to feel any guilt or regret. Marriage and family does NOT make their dreams any more important than yours.
Edit: one word.
NTA. All four of your siblings should help out with your mom too. This shouldn’t be something that is exclusively your responsibility. Don’t be afraid to do your own thing and move out.
NTA. I am an Asian woman too and I understand the cultural obligation to take care of your parents. However, please don't allow yourself to become the default caregiver (as single women tend to be in these cultures). Your purpose in life isn't to be a caregiver because you have chosen not to marry or have kids.
This would suit your siblings just fine because they can focus on their families. This is so common in Asia.
I would suggest you already move out, face their opposition and discontent and comments (or not- you can keep contact to a minimum) and begin to cultivate a life for yourself.
Stepping out will force your siblings to take on responsibility and not assume you will be the one taking care of your mum.
Darn. She would probably be happier with them in the long run. Encourage her to connect with people her age where she is now. She needs to develop new ties. If she doesn't, she is going to be a pain. She has to learn to let go of you .
NTA.
While it's understandable that your mother wants company, it can't be at the expense of her children. Some stay, others leave. And she must understand that. That your brothers say that 'You take care of her' is something to think about, why can't they stay with their mother? Simple, it's easier to leave it to you than them.
The best thing your mother can do is try to go out and meet more people if she needs to. And I wish you luck, Op.
NTA but you need to move out before they do. If you wait until all your sisters get married off it will be even harder and the guilt trip will be that much worse. You need to to move out as soon as you possibly can.
I am so sorry for the cultural blackmail you are suffering. But you no longer live in that country. YOU are entitled to live your as you see fit. Tell mom and siblings, if they expect that from you, THEY should step up and babysit your dependent mother or send her back to your home country to live with relatives. Why did your parents immigrate if they didn't want embrace the culture of their new coutry?
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To begin, I am a 27 year old muslim asian woman (closeted lesbian) and I live somewhere in Europe (I don’t want to specify where). My family do not know I am a lesbian and I doubt I’d ever tell them. I have 4 siblings, all in their 20’s. We all live at home with our mom. All 4 of my siblings wish to get married, move out, have children and live their own lives. I do not want to marry, nor have children but I do want to move out.
Around 2 years back, I lost my 50-year-old dad. He was a severely ill man with a number of health complications. My mom was his primary carer and me and my siblings would assist with all types of care. We did not have a normal childhood – I could say we spent most of our lives in hospitals and medical centres, taking care of our dad in ways that normal children did not do. Despite all of this, my parents tried hard to make our lives as enjoyable as possible, and I will always be grateful for that. Though taking care of him made me more empathetic as a child, and then adult, it was hard balancing life when I would priortise my father and his health over everything. It was rough watching my dad slowly die and his body give up over time.
After his death, my mom became severely dependant on us for company. She spent 30 years attached to my dad so this was understandable. She doesn’t have many friends as she spent most of her time taking care of my dad so the opportunity to make friends never came around. Her family live in a different country, and her in laws come over occasionally but their entire relationship is on the surface. Me and my siblings are constantly by her side. She breaks down a lot, doesn’t sleep much and has been having issues with her health
A few weeks back, the conversation about marriage and children came up whilst I was with my siblings. All of them spoke about how they aim to eventually leave home, get married and have children. I made it clear that I do not want to get married (I would be expected to marry a muslim man, however im a closeted lesbian, so I just tell my family that I don’t want to get married at all), but I do want to move out and get a place of my own. All of them were baffled at my ‘selfishness’. To them, I can only move out if I want to get married and have children, otherwise I should stay with our mom and give her company as she would not survive being on her own. I bought this up with my mom and she agreed with them. Since then, I’ve repeatedly mentioned that I want to move out, have my own place and travel, however im constantly shot down and called selfish. It has been playing on my mind a lot and I cant help but get upset.
I feel guilty. How can I wish to leave her alone when I don’t have to? When I could make her less lonely and give her some company and bring her ease? I spent years taking care of my dad and I cant even live with my mom and take care of her? Im constantly conflicted between thinking im a horrible selfish person to thinking I deserve to live my own life? So AITA?
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NTA , and I feel there's only one solution, the 4 of you have to take care of her equally, like she can stay 2 weeks at each of you's place , and like that you'd be taking care of your mom and living you're life.
NTA
Family obligations and cultural norms can be strangling at times.
You have to be true to yourself and do things that would make your life fulfilling. You were not conceived to be your parents' permanent caregiver or companion.
I wish you luck as it sounds like when (not if!) you break away, your entire family is going to pour their contempt all over you in order to shame you into doing something they don't want to do themselves.
Leave now before the others do. Say you met a man online who lives in a different city or country and send them pictures pretending to be in a relationship with a gay Muslim friend you will meet there. After a while you can just say it didn’t work out but you are already established in the new place. From the distance it won’t matter if they judge you, you will have a life there to support you, and hopefully can live your sexuality more openly. Mom will end up living with the most stable and affluent child who can afford an extra room and her expenses.
NTA. If you haven't already, start saving and making plans on your own in private now. Then set yourself up and execute those plans without asking permission/approval, because your life is yours. Your dream is not selfish.
NTA. Please make plans to move out and live your own life. Do not speak to your family about your plans until you are out of the house. You know they will only try to guilt you into staying.
The siblings as a whole should be dealing with your mother, not just you. Marriage and children have nothing to do with it. You are not being selfish by trying to have your own life. You are doing nothing that your siblings are not doing.
You're 27. Do what you want to do. I know it's common for for Muslim Asian women to stay home until you get married but you don't HAVE to follow tradition. Especially if it'll make you unhappy!
NTA. I'd be planning on leaving BEFORE your siblings get married
NTA but you're in a race!
Get out first and move far away so:
1. You don't get stuck and
2. (Most importantly) You can safely be yourself and love who you want.
If you stay, you will have to hide forever and never get to really fall in love. Chances are you will get "caught" and ostracized anyway after giving up years of your life. Also, guess who will be babysitting all of these children your siblings plan to have? Hint: the unmarried and child-free one ...
Your mom needs some hobbies and you need to move out as fast as you can and go low contact as it would be better for your mental health.
If they continue with their stupid ideas that you should solely take care of your mother, go no contact. As hard as it may be emotionally, it will be better in the long run as you know your family will never accept your preference.
I'm reaching my 40s and my parents never found out I'm bi but things could've probably turned out a lot differently if in the end I married a woman and not a man. Do what's best for you.
Just come out to them and you will be out of the family without any way to contact them back, lol.
My suggestion is sad on many levels - politically and emotionally but it has one big upside - you'll be completely free to start living *your* life. And if the family comes around and accepts you back, who knows, at that time you may have changed your mind and got married to a nice woman.
Nta. You aren't her life partner. You are her child. Stop telling your family about your plans. They will just shoot you down and undermine you. Move out and live your life. Good luck.
All three of them live with your mom currently, so MOVE OUT. You have the money and are able to move to, please do so.
Your siblings are assholes for guilt tripping you into staying with your mom. If they care so much, they can do that themselves.
You are most certainly not selfish for wanting to have a life of your own.
Ask your siblings why your mother cannot live with them. Or why you cannot all rotate keeping her company?
But this is also an ideal opportunity for your mother to start embarking on a life with new friends.
NTA married or not you are entitled to a life of your choosing.
Does you cultural/faith community have women's groups?
If your mom was a widowed Christian lady, most churches have women's charity and/or social groups. I'd like to hope there's the equivalent in other faith communities. In America, we have secular ones too.
/they give my gran purpose and socialization.
NTA. It is NOT your responsibility to provide companionship to a grown ass woman. Nor is it your responsibility just because you choose not to marry.
The misogyny in this situation is just disgusting.
Get out.
NTA. Stop bringing up leaving to them. They’ll think you changed your mind. Continue to save your money to leave. Like other people said leave whilst your other siblings are home. Unfortunately you don’t have a choice. You will never be free to live your life if you are in fear of the consequences of someone finding out that you are a lesbian. When you move it will have to be a place that’s safe for you to openly live.
Hi. I'm the youngest of three and up until about 5 years ago, I was my parent's caretaker. One sibling lives on the other side of the country and the oldest gets so wrapped up with his current partner that he pretty much only showed up for family dinners for 5-10 years. (The current partner now is amazing and she doesn't let him flake on us)
My oldest brother, once I moved over an hour away from the family here, finally took over. Told me I put in my time and he would handle it from there. I love my parents but getting away after all of the medical issues and everything else with my dad, was the best thing for my mental health. The best thing you can do for you is to save up and move.
NTA.
It might hurt to hear but your mother does not think of you as an individual, a separate human being. She thinks of you just as an extension of her.
Guilt is an interesting thing. You are being loaded by it because it makes your siblings lives easier but they don’t feel an iota of empathy for you.
My suggestion would be for you to go to a good therapist who can help you untangle your thoughts and help you talk to that part of your brain that is making you feel guilty for wanting to live independently. You have to learn to go outside your comfort zone.
NTA. Read these words and remember them. You deserve to be able to live your life. If you let them peer pressure you into not moving out, you will be the last one at home, and the pressure to stay will only increase. Go. Live your life in your own place (asap once you've saved up a bit and can move out safely). And if they keep pressuring you to move back home, simply tell them they are free to spend however much time they would like with your mother, that you will do the same, and the matter is closed.
If you don't live your life now, you will be peer pressured into not being able to live a life of your own until your mom DIES. That could be decades from now.
NTA - but look this sub is mainly western value based. You will not find nuanced takes from within your culture. Want my advise? disappear and live out your wildest lesbian fantasies. God's not real. DW
NTA. Move out now. Plan weekly outings with your mother to places where she can connect with others her age. Try out new hobbies on these outings, etc.
So your mom got to move out, marry the man she loved, and live her life, even if it wasn't what she expected. Your siblings want to move out and live their lives, and that's okay. Yet when you want the same for yourself (I'm talking about autonomy, not marriage), you're being selfish.
NTA. Maybe you *should* consider marriage if you find the right woman, just to see your family's reaction (only if it won't be a threat to your safety, though).
NTA. Ask your siblings "Why do you hate your mother so much you would deprive her of the joy of living with your children?" As your mother "Why are you so hateful to your children you wouldn't help them raise your grandchildren?". It is easy to rephrase most arguments like this to make your siblings and mother look like horrible people. In your culture is it normal for a older parent to NOT live with one of their children who is also a parent?
NTA
I myself come from an Asian-Muslim family, the only child to a single mother, and grew up my entire life being told I would not be allowed to move out until I was married. It's only now that I am an adult I realise it was less for my own good, and more so that my mum wouldn't feel lonely that I was being prevented from living my life. Anything I did to assert myself as an adult, whether it was pursuing relationships or hanging out with friends, resulted in an argument with my mum. All the while my friends wondered why I didn't just move out because of the toll it took on my mental health.
Guilt can keep you prisoner, but ultimately the regret of not leaving to live your life will be so much worse. Moving out and traveling the world is not the same thing as abandoning your mother. The guilt will come in waves, especially considering how unsupportive your siblings are. I have plenty of closeted lesbian friends from conservative families who are actively making plans to move away and live their lives despite the guilt they feel. One day you will realise that everyone is willing to do what they need to be happy, but no one will do anything for you. It will make the guilt easier to deal with, especially as you begin to form more deep and meaningful relationships where you can be your true authentic self without fear of reprimand.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you luck. If possible, I'd recommend therapy. It's helped me a bunch having since moved away from home. It's not easy, but it is definitely for the best. I promise you that your relationship with your mum will survive and be better for it.
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NTA It is always amazing to me that family members who call someone selfish are generally the ones that are actually selfish. Your Mom is selfish to want you to give up your life to keep her company. She had a life the life she wanted with husband and family - so why shouldn't you have your own life. The best years of your life would be spent caring for her and then when she passes, you would be starting your life over Your siblings are selfish as well. They are living the life they want. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to house Mom as she could eventually help with the kids etc. Tell one of them to get an in-law appt. Live your own life. Visit your Mom when you can BUT do not give up your chance to experience life.
OP should move out now while the siblings are still living at home. That way they can get used to her being gone. She shouldn't wait until after they start getting married.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This is EXCELLENT advice. It will be much, much easier to move out & establish a new relationship with your mother as an independent adult NOW, when other people are still at home to fill the void. NTA. You are not your mother's emotional support pet. You were not created as a toy or pet to be used by others for entertainment. Perhaps she needs a pet, actually, to feel more useful & needed! My mom became very emotionally dependent on me for the last years of her life. I loved her, but it wasn't the relationship we should have had. It was too much, for too long, & I ended up with resentment for how it all happened. NTA.
> You are not your mother's emotional support pet. Sadly, many people have children for exactly this reason: to serve their physical and psychological needs when they are elderly.
NTA. I feel very badly for you. Is it possible for you to get a job? Money can buy your freedom. Don't waste any more of your life on what might have been.
I do have a job, and have been working for a while
Your family has told you your future. It is not what you want. What is stopping you from moving out.
The guilt of leaving my mom alone
Your mother needs to discover herself and make friends her own age. She won't do that if you stay. Visit her often. Encourage the rest of your siblings to have her visit.
She's not alone right now. Your sibs are still with her. So move out.
Guilt is a powerful feeling. But so is regret. Do you want to look back on your life and regret never living your life for yourself?
My mother also expected me to be her best friend and it’s hard to break away from that guilt because she installed the button that triggers your guilt and knows exactly how and when to push it. Just remember that. She raised you to feel guilty for not putting her needs above your own. Unfortunately the only way to unlearn the guilt is to break away and work through it. But when you do you’ll be shocked at how free you feel. Seek out therapy if you need support to do this.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. NTA at all. Be aware that they are gaslighting you. Maybe not intentionally, but they’ve been indoctrinated into an unjust and discriminatory way of thinking. Their worldview is so oppressive that it prevents you from being your true self. As a result, they can’t understand why you want what you want, and the only way they can rationalize it is by accusing you of being selfish. Whether you are honest with them about who you are or not, the fact that you are different will be used against you. To make you feel guilty and submit to their wishes. You have to remember that their judgements are based on false perceptions of reality, and you must contextualize their comments as such in order to adequately resist internalizing them. It’s not worth engaging with them unless you are able to tell them the truth and they are able to accept it. I recognize that day may never come. Until then, best to just say, “Okay, selfish or not, I’m not going to throw my own life and desires away just because they are different than yours. This is what I will be doing, whether you want me to or not. I will put in my equal share of effort caring for mom. Whether you choose to match that yourselves is up to you.”
She won't be alone, your sisters are there. You are allegedly selfish because she would be alone when you all move out, but what will your fate be when she eventually dies? You will be just as alone, but unlike her, you wouldn't have got to live your life first.
But aren't your siblings still there? If you leave now, you have nothing to worry about, lol.
Here is the thing, chances are you’ll never be able to change your family’s mind. You need to go out and live your life despite this. It’s not going to be easy, but please don’t waste your life away trying to get your family’s approval. It will likely never come. And frankly I can pretty much guarantee it’ll never come while you’re still living at home. Best case scenario, you move out now and in 10-15 years they finally have some self reflection and realize you’re thriving and they were wrong to hold you back. But that may never happen. Either way, you only get one life and you need to live it. Good luck. I’m sorry you are being put through this, but frankly once you are in your own place it’ll be a whole lot easier to ignore your family and then you can decide what role they will have in your life. Not the other way around.
but there is no need for her to be alone. if for no reason than you have 3 other siblings she can live with. at the same time- as others have said- this is the chance for her to find out who she is as a person and not as wife or mother. however, while you can suggest that she go places or do things- at the end of the day, that's on her. only she can live her life. while only you can live your life.
Your siblings don't feel any guilt. Why should you? You deserve to live your life truthfully. A life in the closet as your moms emotional support pet sounds like torture.
OP, my grandmother wanted my mother and I BOTH to quit our jobs and be with her in a one bedroom apartment. Basically splitting up the day so she was never alone, even while sleeping. Read the 'never alone' as actually waiting on her hand and foot. This was a very selfish woman my grandmother and it's a VERY good thing I didn't find out about her little 'idea' until after the woman was dead. Don't let your mom OR siblings be my grandmother. YOU deserve a life. Your mother is only alone because she won't make any effort. My grandmother expected EVERYONE to come to HER. And that she had to make ZERO effort in life over all. Guilt is only as powerful as you let it be in your life. As others have pointed out, mom isn't alone right now.
Your mom will figure it out. It's not your problem or responsibility to solve her problems for her. She is a grown woman and cam dealnwith being alone. If she can't, she can get therapy. Let her figure it out. Don't feel guilty.
Honestly leave as soon as you have the financial means, if you have them now then make a plan and leave. Live your life, date women, find a partner if you want to! You can have your own little family with just yourself! Add some pets or plants if you want and explore being a lesbian openly away from your family and you might even end up falling in love! I know that at this time it might sound undoable but it is. Once you leave the possibilities for your life are endless and you can live freely! Hoping for the best for you! NTA!!
Just move out and don't tell anyone. Once your officially move out then tell them that you have a place and you won't be back. Let them figure it out and deal with their mom. They don't get to leave all the responsibility to you so they can live their own lives. They don't get to call you selfish for wanting to do the exact same thing they want to do. They all want to leave. But you can't because your single. Yeah no that's not how it works. Just leave.
INFO is your mom capable to look after small children? Then she could live with one of your siblings as the live in babysitter. She won't be alone and they will have someone to help them with kids.
Guilt and obligation is what some people use to keep family members in line. People who truly love you want the best for you. Your mother can move in with one of your siblings after they get married. But your mother is young. She needs to be independent. Find hobbies. Meet people. Feel useful. Go live your life. Move out as soon as you can. If you need help, find a therapist who can help you work through your feelings. I feel very bad for you not being able to live your authentic life. I hope that you will find other family - family that you choose, and in time will be able to fall in love marry and live a full life. You deserve it. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. NTA.
You need to make sure that you’re the first to move out, otherwise if you’re left at home with just your mother it’s going to be much, much harder. Also start getting her involved in your community, in joining groups and finding other interests. She might want to take steps to volunteer if she isn’t working. Also consider if she actually does want to move back home closer to your family. If you don’t want to be the person solely looking after your mother when everyone has moved out and have their own families, you will need to consider how close/far you’re going to live from everyone.
The reality is you will not escape the feeling of guilt. You are part of a culture that has it ingrained. Your siblings are taking their out and you freely admit you can't take it. There are, sadly, only two solutions: 1. You reveal your sexuality and know that it will make your family estranged. It is the hard road, but one that is honest. If they accept you then you can have a happy result ultimately with a female partner, if that's what you choose, and have every right to leave like your siblings. 2. You simply tell them that you will be leaving to have your own life as well regardless of their opinions, and you swallow the guilt and work with a therapist to help you move past it. No one today can help you with guilt that has been DECADES in the making and CENTURIES being perfected. It will take time, patience, and personal forgiveness. You do not need / will you abandon your mother. Tell her you need a chance to live your life to learn who you are, and that you still want to and will care for her. But remind her that companionship can be through phone as well as in person. And that responsibility for health and finances needs to be shared. Your siblings can each take turns having mother live with them when they have new children for a year at a time, which is how many east indian families do with their elderly relatives. 3. If your family wants to be beholden to tradition, remind them that the OLDEST MALE is in charge, so tell them that tradition dictates he's the one who cares for mother and you will be leaving it all to him. When he balks at this, ask him why he thinks it was okay to use 'tradition' and 'custom' when it suited him but not when it suits you? Then when they decide tradition is no longer the reason to do something, tell them great, the non-traditional approach of everyone sharing care is what you will follow. You can contribute financially and they can contribute physically.
This is the comment that is most important I feel
NTA - but your mother isn't either, and it really sounds like she needs professional help to recover from the stress of her life as a caregiver and then the loss of your father. If her health improves a bit, would it be possible from a pragmatic point of view to change things little by little? A day trip somewhere, eventually a weekend away, then longer... if she needs someone 24/7, perhaps someone could be hired. Your siblings should be able to help there - really, if they're going to follow the old tradition of the last remaining unmarried adult child doing most of the work of caring for the elderly parents, they should have plenty of resources left over to make that job easier for you!
NTA - Oh God honestly i dont understand families that want to keep members of their own family in slavery.
NTA...Move out and live your own life. You know they're never going to agree with you, so you have to simply let that part go, and refuse to feel any guilt or regret. Marriage and family does NOT make their dreams any more important than yours. Edit: one word.
NTA. All four of your siblings should help out with your mom too. This shouldn’t be something that is exclusively your responsibility. Don’t be afraid to do your own thing and move out.
Listen. Your not responsible to be a companion to your mom...bring her to the mosque, community get together to make friends with other women
Can your mom move back to where her family is?
Nope, and even if she could i doubt she would.
NTA. I am an Asian woman too and I understand the cultural obligation to take care of your parents. However, please don't allow yourself to become the default caregiver (as single women tend to be in these cultures). Your purpose in life isn't to be a caregiver because you have chosen not to marry or have kids. This would suit your siblings just fine because they can focus on their families. This is so common in Asia. I would suggest you already move out, face their opposition and discontent and comments (or not- you can keep contact to a minimum) and begin to cultivate a life for yourself. Stepping out will force your siblings to take on responsibility and not assume you will be the one taking care of your mum.
Darn. She would probably be happier with them in the long run. Encourage her to connect with people her age where she is now. She needs to develop new ties. If she doesn't, she is going to be a pain. She has to learn to let go of you .
NTA, I'm so sorry you're in that situation. Is there any way you can find a gay man to have a marriage with so you can cover for each other?
NTA. While it's understandable that your mother wants company, it can't be at the expense of her children. Some stay, others leave. And she must understand that. That your brothers say that 'You take care of her' is something to think about, why can't they stay with their mother? Simple, it's easier to leave it to you than them. The best thing your mother can do is try to go out and meet more people if she needs to. And I wish you luck, Op.
NTA but you need to move out before they do. If you wait until all your sisters get married off it will be even harder and the guilt trip will be that much worse. You need to to move out as soon as you possibly can.
NTA It may be culturally expected, but I don't see how this could physically stop you from leaving. Do what you need to do.
I am so sorry for the cultural blackmail you are suffering. But you no longer live in that country. YOU are entitled to live your as you see fit. Tell mom and siblings, if they expect that from you, THEY should step up and babysit your dependent mother or send her back to your home country to live with relatives. Why did your parents immigrate if they didn't want embrace the culture of their new coutry?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To begin, I am a 27 year old muslim asian woman (closeted lesbian) and I live somewhere in Europe (I don’t want to specify where). My family do not know I am a lesbian and I doubt I’d ever tell them. I have 4 siblings, all in their 20’s. We all live at home with our mom. All 4 of my siblings wish to get married, move out, have children and live their own lives. I do not want to marry, nor have children but I do want to move out. Around 2 years back, I lost my 50-year-old dad. He was a severely ill man with a number of health complications. My mom was his primary carer and me and my siblings would assist with all types of care. We did not have a normal childhood – I could say we spent most of our lives in hospitals and medical centres, taking care of our dad in ways that normal children did not do. Despite all of this, my parents tried hard to make our lives as enjoyable as possible, and I will always be grateful for that. Though taking care of him made me more empathetic as a child, and then adult, it was hard balancing life when I would priortise my father and his health over everything. It was rough watching my dad slowly die and his body give up over time. After his death, my mom became severely dependant on us for company. She spent 30 years attached to my dad so this was understandable. She doesn’t have many friends as she spent most of her time taking care of my dad so the opportunity to make friends never came around. Her family live in a different country, and her in laws come over occasionally but their entire relationship is on the surface. Me and my siblings are constantly by her side. She breaks down a lot, doesn’t sleep much and has been having issues with her health A few weeks back, the conversation about marriage and children came up whilst I was with my siblings. All of them spoke about how they aim to eventually leave home, get married and have children. I made it clear that I do not want to get married (I would be expected to marry a muslim man, however im a closeted lesbian, so I just tell my family that I don’t want to get married at all), but I do want to move out and get a place of my own. All of them were baffled at my ‘selfishness’. To them, I can only move out if I want to get married and have children, otherwise I should stay with our mom and give her company as she would not survive being on her own. I bought this up with my mom and she agreed with them. Since then, I’ve repeatedly mentioned that I want to move out, have my own place and travel, however im constantly shot down and called selfish. It has been playing on my mind a lot and I cant help but get upset. I feel guilty. How can I wish to leave her alone when I don’t have to? When I could make her less lonely and give her some company and bring her ease? I spent years taking care of my dad and I cant even live with my mom and take care of her? Im constantly conflicted between thinking im a horrible selfish person to thinking I deserve to live my own life? So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA , and I feel there's only one solution, the 4 of you have to take care of her equally, like she can stay 2 weeks at each of you's place , and like that you'd be taking care of your mom and living you're life.
NTA. Save money, move out, block as needed
NTA Family obligations and cultural norms can be strangling at times. You have to be true to yourself and do things that would make your life fulfilling. You were not conceived to be your parents' permanent caregiver or companion. I wish you luck as it sounds like when (not if!) you break away, your entire family is going to pour their contempt all over you in order to shame you into doing something they don't want to do themselves.
Leave now before the others do. Say you met a man online who lives in a different city or country and send them pictures pretending to be in a relationship with a gay Muslim friend you will meet there. After a while you can just say it didn’t work out but you are already established in the new place. From the distance it won’t matter if they judge you, you will have a life there to support you, and hopefully can live your sexuality more openly. Mom will end up living with the most stable and affluent child who can afford an extra room and her expenses.
NTA. If you haven't already, start saving and making plans on your own in private now. Then set yourself up and execute those plans without asking permission/approval, because your life is yours. Your dream is not selfish.
NTA. Please make plans to move out and live your own life. Do not speak to your family about your plans until you are out of the house. You know they will only try to guilt you into staying. The siblings as a whole should be dealing with your mother, not just you. Marriage and children have nothing to do with it. You are not being selfish by trying to have your own life. You are doing nothing that your siblings are not doing.
NTA. You deserve to have a life of your own. Mom needs to find friends and live with one of your siblings as a babysitter.
You're 27. Do what you want to do. I know it's common for for Muslim Asian women to stay home until you get married but you don't HAVE to follow tradition. Especially if it'll make you unhappy! NTA. I'd be planning on leaving BEFORE your siblings get married
NTA. And I just want to point out that as a lesbian you can still get married and have children, if you want. You don't have to, but you could.
NTA, To use their words, you are as selfish as all of your siblings. Them wanting to make a family doesn’t make their futur more important than yours
NTA but you're in a race! Get out first and move far away so: 1. You don't get stuck and 2. (Most importantly) You can safely be yourself and love who you want. If you stay, you will have to hide forever and never get to really fall in love. Chances are you will get "caught" and ostracized anyway after giving up years of your life. Also, guess who will be babysitting all of these children your siblings plan to have? Hint: the unmarried and child-free one ...
Your mom needs some hobbies and you need to move out as fast as you can and go low contact as it would be better for your mental health. If they continue with their stupid ideas that you should solely take care of your mother, go no contact. As hard as it may be emotionally, it will be better in the long run as you know your family will never accept your preference. I'm reaching my 40s and my parents never found out I'm bi but things could've probably turned out a lot differently if in the end I married a woman and not a man. Do what's best for you.
Just come out to them and you will be out of the family without any way to contact them back, lol. My suggestion is sad on many levels - politically and emotionally but it has one big upside - you'll be completely free to start living *your* life. And if the family comes around and accepts you back, who knows, at that time you may have changed your mind and got married to a nice woman.
Nta. You aren't her life partner. You are her child. Stop telling your family about your plans. They will just shoot you down and undermine you. Move out and live your life. Good luck.
NTA but stop waiting, move out now. Establish your independence before your siblings leave and trap you there.
All three of them live with your mom currently, so MOVE OUT. You have the money and are able to move to, please do so. Your siblings are assholes for guilt tripping you into staying with your mom. If they care so much, they can do that themselves. You are most certainly not selfish for wanting to have a life of your own.
They don't have to move out to get married or have kids. More company for mom! NTA.
NTA not selfish at all but move out first before anyone else does. Go Go now no one can stop You,
Ask your siblings why your mother cannot live with them. Or why you cannot all rotate keeping her company? But this is also an ideal opportunity for your mother to start embarking on a life with new friends. NTA married or not you are entitled to a life of your choosing.
Does you cultural/faith community have women's groups? If your mom was a widowed Christian lady, most churches have women's charity and/or social groups. I'd like to hope there's the equivalent in other faith communities. In America, we have secular ones too. /they give my gran purpose and socialization.
NTA. It is NOT your responsibility to provide companionship to a grown ass woman. Nor is it your responsibility just because you choose not to marry. The misogyny in this situation is just disgusting. Get out.
NTA. Stop bringing up leaving to them. They’ll think you changed your mind. Continue to save your money to leave. Like other people said leave whilst your other siblings are home. Unfortunately you don’t have a choice. You will never be free to live your life if you are in fear of the consequences of someone finding out that you are a lesbian. When you move it will have to be a place that’s safe for you to openly live.
Hi. I'm the youngest of three and up until about 5 years ago, I was my parent's caretaker. One sibling lives on the other side of the country and the oldest gets so wrapped up with his current partner that he pretty much only showed up for family dinners for 5-10 years. (The current partner now is amazing and she doesn't let him flake on us) My oldest brother, once I moved over an hour away from the family here, finally took over. Told me I put in my time and he would handle it from there. I love my parents but getting away after all of the medical issues and everything else with my dad, was the best thing for my mental health. The best thing you can do for you is to save up and move. NTA.
NTA time to find a male bestie that wants a shame marriage.
It might hurt to hear but your mother does not think of you as an individual, a separate human being. She thinks of you just as an extension of her. Guilt is an interesting thing. You are being loaded by it because it makes your siblings lives easier but they don’t feel an iota of empathy for you. My suggestion would be for you to go to a good therapist who can help you untangle your thoughts and help you talk to that part of your brain that is making you feel guilty for wanting to live independently. You have to learn to go outside your comfort zone.
NTA. Read these words and remember them. You deserve to be able to live your life. If you let them peer pressure you into not moving out, you will be the last one at home, and the pressure to stay will only increase. Go. Live your life in your own place (asap once you've saved up a bit and can move out safely). And if they keep pressuring you to move back home, simply tell them they are free to spend however much time they would like with your mother, that you will do the same, and the matter is closed. If you don't live your life now, you will be peer pressured into not being able to live a life of your own until your mom DIES. That could be decades from now.
NTA - but look this sub is mainly western value based. You will not find nuanced takes from within your culture. Want my advise? disappear and live out your wildest lesbian fantasies. God's not real. DW
Get your things organized and move out, if you don't then you will be living with her forever and alone. NTA.
NTA. Move out now. Plan weekly outings with your mother to places where she can connect with others her age. Try out new hobbies on these outings, etc.
So your mom got to move out, marry the man she loved, and live her life, even if it wasn't what she expected. Your siblings want to move out and live their lives, and that's okay. Yet when you want the same for yourself (I'm talking about autonomy, not marriage), you're being selfish. NTA. Maybe you *should* consider marriage if you find the right woman, just to see your family's reaction (only if it won't be a threat to your safety, though).
NTA. Ask your siblings "Why do you hate your mother so much you would deprive her of the joy of living with your children?" As your mother "Why are you so hateful to your children you wouldn't help them raise your grandchildren?". It is easy to rephrase most arguments like this to make your siblings and mother look like horrible people. In your culture is it normal for a older parent to NOT live with one of their children who is also a parent?
NTA I myself come from an Asian-Muslim family, the only child to a single mother, and grew up my entire life being told I would not be allowed to move out until I was married. It's only now that I am an adult I realise it was less for my own good, and more so that my mum wouldn't feel lonely that I was being prevented from living my life. Anything I did to assert myself as an adult, whether it was pursuing relationships or hanging out with friends, resulted in an argument with my mum. All the while my friends wondered why I didn't just move out because of the toll it took on my mental health. Guilt can keep you prisoner, but ultimately the regret of not leaving to live your life will be so much worse. Moving out and traveling the world is not the same thing as abandoning your mother. The guilt will come in waves, especially considering how unsupportive your siblings are. I have plenty of closeted lesbian friends from conservative families who are actively making plans to move away and live their lives despite the guilt they feel. One day you will realise that everyone is willing to do what they need to be happy, but no one will do anything for you. It will make the guilt easier to deal with, especially as you begin to form more deep and meaningful relationships where you can be your true authentic self without fear of reprimand. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you luck. If possible, I'd recommend therapy. It's helped me a bunch having since moved away from home. It's not easy, but it is definitely for the best. I promise you that your relationship with your mum will survive and be better for it.