NTA. Your brother and SIL are sabotaging your recovery and relationship with your child. I wouldn't be surprised to see then talk negatively about you and your history as she gets older. You may need some distance to feel safer and have the mental capacity to deal with them.
EDIT: Just want to say thanks for the awards fellow humans! It's greatly appreciated.
OP can start a wave of postcards from around the world. It’ll take a bit of work, but OP can send a signed postcard in an envelope to a Redditor in a touristy spot. Think Florence, Cairo, Athens, Fiji, etc. The Redditor recipient there can add local postage and drop the card in the mail to the toxic family.
Good luck trying to find Carmen SanDiego now!
edit: RIP My inbox 😂 thank you for the silver kind stranger!!!
OP could get 1 postcard from Colorado, fill them out, put it inside an envelope and mail it to a friend in Florida and have the friend mail it from there.
I track people down so we can serve them with lawsuits and you are wrong. Indicating which state they'll be in makes it significantly easier to find them.
I don't think people realize how big California is. When I was living in GA, people assumed that I used to go to Disneyland all the time when I told them that I was from CA. When I told them that it was over 6 hours away, they were like, "Wait, you can drive 6 hours and still be in California?!?!"
I’m proud of you for getting and staying clean for your kid and a fresh start will be great for you both. She is so young she’ll only remember you stepping up and bring her rock. Lay low and let those family members realize how much they fucked up by crossing your mama bear wishes😉
You got back custody, right? This is just weird and the type of thing that will look unhinged to everyone in your family and make them MORE involved and concerned. Just move like a normal person and build a new life worth daughter away from the interference of family.
Some people don't believe in personal growth, improvement and redemption. They think once you've gotten a stain on your formerly cherub life, you're permanently rotten, and it's justified to slap you back down and/or throw past wrongs or trauma in your face the moment you might prove you've become a better person. NTA
I read something the other day, maybe in this sub, that makes so much sense...
Some people will only accept the version of you that they were able to control.
When I read that, it totally cleared up why some people in my life treat me the way they do. It sounds like OP's family is doing the same thing. They'll only accept the version of OP that let them raise her daughter.
The problem is that she has a plan and a timeline, and if they know that this drastic of a change is coming, they will escalate things to a significant degree. We're talking things like planting drugs, slipping something into her drinks, stealing important documents, perhaps hurting or putting her child in danger in some way so that they can blame her, or even kidnapping. It seems dramatic, but these things happen and they've already shown themselves to be unhinged and not afraid of taking matters into their own hands. Call it a 1/100 chance that they do something that drastic, but if they did, it would completely blow up her timeline for moving AND potentially they could be successful. Normally, I''m the one calling people out on here for being alarmist, but this is scary shit.
If you have a good relationship with your social worker, (and only if) it wouldn't hurt to get ahead of the eventual blowback by keeping them in the loop. Maybe even get in contact with cps in your new area so you can be prepared.
When your 'family' finds out you have left, when they find out where you are they are going to contact cps and tell stories and try to get your daughter back. You have to know that's coming. They can tell cps enough lies to have them take your girl away and give her back to them immediately and then you would have to fight all over again to get her back.
That’s a good idea. Family members are going to make this look like an abduction, especially due to the secrecy, so he needs to get ahead of that somehow. He has parental rights, but family could still make a case Emma is in danger.
One thing he might consider is, instead of trolling post cards, he could send a heartfelt letter to his parents assuring them he is absolutely dedicated to taking good care of his daughter. He can tell them his reasons for moving (brother & SIL brazenly undermining his parenting and lying about him to authorities), and asking them not to interfere. If they’re somewhat reasonable, that might prevent them from looking for OP. Still don’t put on a return address though, lol.
u/aitastomachflu this is potentially disastrous advice and you should not follow it. If you are actually in a situation where you believe that informing CPS is necessary to get ahead of blowback, then you’re *actually* in a situation where you should have a family lawyer helping you to navigate cross country relocation of a minor.
She's gunna love it, and so will you! If you want to go whale watching while in the area, try Blue Ocean Whale Watching in Moss Landing. My cousin runs the boat as the naturalist and they do a fantastic job. There's so many whales in Monterey Bay, and it's amazing to see them out in the wild!
File a report with local officials of what they did with her medicine. If they threw away the prescription, and you have to get another one to replace it, they may claim that you are “overdosing” your daughter (obviously you arent but these people seem adamant on trying anything). They suck. I’m happy you are in a better place and it seems like your daughter is better off for it. best of luck ❤️
You're going to have so much fun in all those places. Make sure to hit up the Monterey Bay Aquarium! 💗 My daughter was obsessed with it as a toddler and she still is as a 4th grader. And in San Diego make sure to go to the zoo! It's amazing and really large. In LA the La Brea tar pits are also a really cool place to go. Just be careful in SF, don't park your car in the Tenderloin, and don't leave ANYTHING visible in the car.
I live in the Bay Area, if you have any questions about places to eat, or kid friendly activities, just let me know! Also NTA. Screw them. I had an experience with my daughter's grandparents trying to gain custody of her while they were watching her to "help me out" while I got back on my feet. It was a horrible experience. Now that I have everything situated and in control of everything, they want to be nice and cater to our needs, which I don't find necessary. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
The second they notice you're gone, they will know exactly where you are taking your vacation just with this travel schedule.
IF I were you, i would stop divulging when are you leaving and where specially online. It wouldn't be the first time AHs have discovered the posts talking about them on Reddit. Please, stop oversharing. I beg you.
I would also document all of this as well as your recovery progress. You don't want them to be able to use that against you, or make anything up. Make an FU/CYA binder. If they keep making false cps calls, and one hits a worker who's particularly adamant, you'll want the proof.
u/aitastomachflu I am all for throwing them off the trail and going NC however since CPS was involved, I would strongly suggest calling the case worker or someone over there and letting them know where you're going and that you do not want the family to know, which is all perfectly legal. What you don't want to happen is for your family to call CPS and say you disappeared with the child and are drinking or something again. You don't want CPS doing a manhunt for you. Make sure a caseworker or whomever followed up on your brother's bullsh't allegations know how to contact you but make it very, very clear that the family is not to know as they have actively been working to try and sabotage your sobriety to gain custody of your child.
Awesome! I just didn't want them to sabotage you when you're rocking it or drag you back into crap with them. Congrats on two years and I wish the best for you and your daughter. Safe travels.
I just wanna applaud you OP for how much you are on it! Everything the comments said you already did/thought of! That really shows how much u thought this through
Also please make sure your caseworker doesn't let your move slip if they call them on the phone. Don't tell a soul you are moving, even your parents seem to being making excuses for their awful behavior. Make sure your babysitter knows not to answer the door for anyone but you and if they show up and make a scene when they won't be let in, the babysitter calls police. This all sounds drastic, but their drastically bad behavior warrants it. I'm sorry you're dealing w all of this but good luck and congrats on your sobriety!
Make sure your caseworker knows the shit they just pulled. If worst comes to worst you want CPS to know they're unfit and actively harming your daughter.
No! From somewhere on the road! Do you want them to see what post office location you used ? If you are slipping away, why would you give them a clue to your new whereabouts? You don’t want them to see where the post card was processed!
I just said I was thinking of sending postcards from different stops along the way. Each family member gets a different location
Edit: I’m not actually doing this
Do not do this. What you should do is buy the Post cards on the road and find somebody traveling in the opposite direction. Ask them if they would mind dropping one in mail every so often on their trip (ask an older couple or somebody in an RV and tell then you are trying to avoid an abusive family member if they ask). This way the Post marks are for places not even associated with where you are going. Also get an internet phone number so you can give that as you can still contact them. If you select an area code far away from you it will further keep them off your trail.
Maybe don’t.
Look. They’re overstepping. But let’s be clear and honest:
The neglect would have been quite severe for you to lose custody. They don’t get to overstep now, but let’s not totally villainize the people who stepped up for your kid here. This isn’t a guilt trip it’s perspective. They were her acting parents for a time.
Moving away? Makes sense. Put you and your kid and your recovery first away from anyone who may seek to sabotage that out of their own mistrust
But antagonize? Nah. Just move and tell people after.
Why would you do that? It’s just going to antagonize the situation. Send an email letting them know you moved if you even want to give them a heads up.
The postcard thing is funny and well deserved, but these people will call cps for any damn thing. You don't know how these games will appear to outsiders. It super sucks that you have to be playing such intense defense against your own family, but they are playing seriously so you have to, as well.
Email them, so you haven't "disappeared". Send digital pictures of your happy, healthy kid, but in chain type restaurants if you're serious about keeping your location a secret from them. Let them try to puzzle out whether you're in a McDonalds in Georgia or one in Colorado.
Do what you have to do to keep your daughter safe and healthy. I'm so sorry your family isn't supporting you.
Best of luck!
You always have to watch out with sending photos if you want to avoid disclosing your location as most phones etc will by default geo tag images. You can turn off those settings though.
That's worse than sending one postcard. That's giving them your exact itinerary. From which they can easily narrow down your final location. This is a terrible idea.
I'm kinda Eh on letting the parents know about the move. If they are backing Brother and SIL right now I would not be sure they wouldn't tell them. Escalations in CPS calls and (hate to say it but) possible kidnapping to prevent move could happen.
Why bother? If you're looking to go no contact, just do it. Don't stir the pot, shake the jar, or whatever phrase means uneccessary drama where you're from.
Best tell your parents to keep your whereabouts to themselves. Just in case...
Fanstastic that you're back on track. You're definitely NTA.
No. Don't contact them again. No return address and get a new number. They're going to try and take her from you. Focus on not relapsing and your daughter. People like that will hurt you to get what they want.
Honestly, don’t do that. If you really want to tell them then create a new email account with a new address and send them messages through that account. Block them on everything else. Just use that one highly controlled account.
Explain your reason for moving and why you are cutting them off. You should privately speak with your new local police department and old police department and explain your situation to them. I would not put it past your brother and SIL and other relatives to file child endangerment or kidnapping charges against you. Get in front of this by talking to law enforcement before they can set the narrative of an “alcoholic” who is a threat to this poor child. You will probably need your court documents and medical records to prove your case.
I wouldn't even do that
Just straight up leave, go no contact. Let your parents know you've moved but make it painfully clear that it's because you're sibling has been actively harming your ability to parent through sabotage, harassment via cps and harmed her welfare by breaking her medical treatment plan as set forth by the doctor. Inform your parents of this in writing, so when the brother attempts to claim you kidnapped your kid (it happens) you can flat out point out this letter as why you left.
This! Don't tell anyone you are moving. Since your family is excusing their behavior, I wouldn't put it past them to tell your brother and SIL you are moving. Space is the best thing for this situation. Good Luck OP!
NTA
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! They are positioning themselves to retake custody of your child. They took away her medicine in the hopes that she will get sicker. Then they will blame YOU for not giving her the prescription medicine from the doctor. They will do and say anything to reach their goal. I would mention to the police and your child's doctor that they threw out her medicine. What they did was illegal! There NEEDS to be a record of that. This proves that they care more about gaining custody than the health of your child.. These people are NOT on your side, or your daughter's side either. It's a good thing that you are moving away from them. I know you're not gonna tell them but make sure you don't tell ANYONE. People that you think are on your side may not be. Trust nobody! Make sure the babysitter does not let them near your daughter when you are not there. Instruct her to not let them in the house if they show up. Don't risk losing your daughter because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. This is far more important than that. I can't stress this enough. Edit: This though popped in my head that perhaps op's brother or wife have munchhousins by proxy. I say this because causing health problems by withholding medicine COULD be a way for them to get attention. Like they WANT op's kid to be sick so they can come to the rescue. I may be going out on a limb here. Any thoughts on this?
OP should also contact his daughter's doctor and explain what happened. Ask the doctor for a refill on the prescription. The more people who can back up OP the better.
This was my thought as well. What they did needs to be reported. There needs to be a record of their misbehavior so that they don't have a leg to stand on when trying to get Emma back.
Don’t give them your new address. They can contact you by email or phone or message. But they can’t send the authorities to your new place if they don’t know where it *is*. Good luck, stay safe! NTA
And if they took the kid shopping, then *they could have bought a new bottle of pedialyte*! Surely you couldn’t have tampered with a virgin bottle from the store!
You need to text them/your mom/etc and say that given that they threw away medication *prescribed by a doctor* you will not be allowing them to see her. You want to document that in writing for the inevitable CPS call.
The pedialyte pisses me off more than anything else because if they were genuinely worried, *they could have tried some themselves.* The fact that they didn't just shows they're happy to watch your child suffer as long as it means you suffer too.
Just a little heads up - dont appear different ahead of the move, dont tip them off. Dont seem happier for no apparent reason, dont start being vague or giving different answers (ie if they normally say 'are you going to xy event', and you usually argue back and fore over it, keep that going. Dont suddenly become unusually compliant, or say things like 'we'll see' or 'things could change by then' or 'I dont know what we'll be doing at that time')
This may mean lying to some people, and maybe letting others down, but its important to keep things appearing normal. If you get offered a sofa when family get a new one next summer, say sure I'll take it. If they know your lease is up, let them think you are looking locally, apply for child places etc
People who make malicious accusations dont care if youre crying & upset - but they can spot a glint of hope, a spring in your step, from a mile off and will double down on their efforts
That's wonderful! Like other commenter, I suggest not telling them ahead of time, and also finding her a pediatrician and establishing care ASAP in the new area. It'll help if they try any crap after the move to already have her established with a local PCP.
NTA. They aren’t worried about Emma, they are trying to sabotage your parenting efforts so they can regain custody of your daughter. It was lovely that they gave her a safe place to be when it was needed, but you’ve earned your daughter and deserve to be her mother without these people treating you this way.
OP document this event of them throwing away her prescribed medicine. Names, dates, Dr. contact info, etc. Keep any texts where they admit that and their other bizarre behavior that day. You may need it one day.
IANAL or case worker or anything like that but I wonder if it would be a good idea to call the doctor to get new scripts and ask them to make a note in the file stating that bro & SIL disposed of the original dosage. If bro & SIL try that CPS crap again, I would want that as evidence that they are acting vindictively and don’t have Emma’s best interests in mind (as evidenced by throwing out her prescription medications while under their care.)
^This. When I was a medical receptionist if a patient's parent asked me to include that a family member was disposing of the child's medicine, I would absolutely include it in my note to the doctor (when a patient called for a refill it was logged on the computer and sent to the doctor's inbox for approval unless it was something the RN could approve himself).
Just learned about this today from another post. Was scanning the comments for this recommendation.
Surprised I have never heard of one before but it makes SO MUCH SENSE.
OP..if you see this...follow this link!
Part of me wonders if they were throwing it away to also try and stage something with CPS. "Look she took her daughters medicine to try and get high shes not fit to be a mother!" Kind of thing
Edit: As its not apparently clear: im not saying she is taking the pills to do that or that the daughters prescribed pills will get anyone high. I am however saying SIL and brother are trying to set up such an encounter with CPS to make OP look bad so they can take the daughter away. As it will look bad on OP in CPS eyes if her daughter has prescribed meds and theres a lot less then there should be (or completely out) and brother and SILs latest accusation of OP to CPS is OP took the meds in an attempt to do so thinking they would. So you can stop with the idiot pms now
Im not saying she did. Im saying brother and sil might be trying to set it up to be that since it is prescribed medicine. A lot of people have used mamy different things as a way to get high (cold medicine being one of them) so it wouldn't be an outlandish thing for CPS to look into if they are setting her up for that to call CPS (they already keep calling CPS on OP to take the daughter away, to me this seems like escalation that isnt too far out there. Many people have done similar things) as if CPS deems that she even tried to do such a thing it can be grounds to take the daughter away as instead of now being someone who is a sober alcoholic its someone who was looking for a new kind of hit.
We know OP didnt do that, CPS will just look and see daughter is supposed to have more pills and shes out and if brother and SIL are trying to set something like that up CPS will look at it like that.
OP needs to get in writing somehow that brother and SIL threw away the pills as this can escalate into bigger problems for OP than just simple "kid is more sick while they try and get the kid more medicine" thing
Also call the dr office for refills (if not too late) because they should document it in their notes too that its being reported as thrown away by family members
Idk what the meds are, but if it’s any controlled medication (like a cough syrup with codeine) OP needs to file a police report for THEFT OF CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE.
Either way, really just a good idea to get every side involved at this point. These people sound awful.
EDIT: I’m sorry, I read this too fast, there is clearly no controlled med to speak of. Thank you for the info though that tiny kids don’t get codeine, that’s actually comforting! I’ll see myself out now.
> they are trying to sabotage your parenting efforts so they can regain custody of your daughter.
YUP. My guess is they wanted OP to lose custody permanently.
OP should never see them again. And be prepared for CPS to come visit again.
IF sounds like you need to build an [FU binder](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/) NOW!!
This will protect you and especially after what they have already done to your daughter and you.
NTA ... my SO works for CPS and I just read this to him. He said you should absolutely report this to your social worker. They put your daughter in danger by throwing away her meds and it needs to be documented since they keep calling CPS on you.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
u/aitastomachflu I hope you see this above comment. Please report these people and document all that happened. Date and write out everything you can remember.
NTA. As a former Social worker and now medical professional, also report this to Emma’s Pediatrician, so it’s also documented there. It never hurts to show you are concerned as the parent. It also shows you are aware that there was negligence. Who even throws out prescription medications, anyways? *sabotage* that’s intent to harm, and it’s not just you. Do not mention it to your family. Keep your other relationships intact.
Much love to you.
As someone in this field as well... I second this.
I have seen custodial parents try to sabotage their kids meds/doses in attempt to pin the neglect/or lack of giving the child the prescribed meds on the non-custodial parent /part-time custodial parent, in attempt to accuse them of being unfit or neglectful.
While at the same time not taking in to consideration what the affect it has on the CHILD in question they are so gung-ho on "protecting."
Also, the poster above said to reach out to your case worker to report. However if there is no longer CPS involvement, I recommend you call your state/local/whatever CPS hotline to report this.
NTA
You need to stand your ground here. They are constantly putting you in danger of losing your child by calling CPS on you. They threw away prescribed medication. They are acting as if Emma is their daughter and undermining your decisions as a parent. They need to be cut out of your and Emma’s life immediately.
In some states, a wilful false report is illegal, but good luck proving that. In my state, if the report is made in good faith but wrong, it's immune from civil or criminal liability.
I know folks who have left domestically violent relationships, obtained restraining orders, do custody swaps at police stations, etc. but the former spouse will use CPS to harass them endlessly. It’s a rough situation if the system is abused.
Please record all of this somewhere, op. If CPS gets called on you again before you leave (I read your other comments) then they might try to use something like IDK maybe the receipts from the clothes they bought as “evidence“ of negligence. Or even if it’s something else, just having a record of this entire incident and of them blatantly undermining you as her parent could potentially work in your favor. Cover yourself!
I would have reported them stealing the clothes she had on and throwing away the meds. Report them before they report her. Someone said above, they work in the field that they see these types of fake calls a lot and that she should report them throwing away her medication. I legit was worried they would say she took the meds to get a buzz. I wouldn’t trust these people at all. They want to steal her daughter away. They had her and they decided they wanted to keep her. Unbelievably heinous thing to do to your own family especially since she’s worked so hard to get to this point. This is how people relapse- when you strip them of anything that brings them joy and a purpose to work for. These people do not have the child’s needs at heart nor OPs either.
WHY WERE YOU TAKING THEM AT ALL?! They basically tried to kidnap your daughter by requiring you to fight for your parental rights, and then repeatedly calling CPS on you! Every step is with the goal of having your child taken from you and given to them, and you are just like "Cool, so babysitting Saturday at 6 work?"
I mean in OP’s defense her daughter was attached to them and she was probably advised that it would good for her to see the people who took care of her for so long. She absolutely should not see them again but it’s not her fault for trusting them at first.
My niece and her 3 half siblings were removed from their mother due to abuse and neglect: they were still forced to attend visitations with their mother by Child Protection because “we don’t want to jeopardise their relationship with their mother”/“the relationship with their mother should be maintained”. Even though my 1 year old niece freaked out every time she saw her mother or heard her voice. And had nightmares after every visitation until my brother (who got full sole custody) refused to take his daughter to see his abusive ex anymore.
One of nieces half siblings were restored to her father too after spending a year in the care of their mothers aunt (who made no secret of the fact she wanted to keep the child and would badmouth the father every chance she got), yet that father was told he had to ensure the relationship between his daughter and her great-aunt/former carer was maintained, even after the great-aunt/former carer told the girl her father was *stealing* her and he had no right to keep her overnight (seriously less than a month after he got sole custody and this little 4 year old was in tears thinking her daddy was breaking the rules and would be taken from her)
They didn’t kidnap her. I had to go through the courts to get her back. Also, even though they’ve been horrible to me, it wouldn’t have been fair to Emma to cut contact with them without them doing something to harm her
Anger between family members who do fostering isn’t uncommon when it comes to reunification. The person who had their children in care resent the carers and the family who did care for the baby are not equipped for the emotional loss and lash out. I would hope there’s emotional support for both groups to make the transition.
In my state there is no support for either party. Case closed, kids return home, end of story. They promote kinship care for plenty of good reasons (and some questionable ones as well), but the reality of what that does to the family dynamic is not considered IMO.
To clarify: Good reasons=keeping the kiddos with family (always good). Bad reasons=no financial support for caregivers, kiddos do not automatically qualify for benefits, and less oversight. (At least in my state.)
Oh come on now. That's not how that works. OP had her child taken from her due to her addiction. She needed to clean herself up and fight for her child. That wasn't something her family made her do, that's something CPS requires.
OP lost custody for a reason. Them not handing the child over as soon as OP said “ok, I’m good now” isn’t kidnapping. 🙄
And they raised her for what would have felt like forever to the child. Did you stop to think how harmful it would have been for the child to suddenly never see them again after bonding with them?
You seem to be on top of everything from what I have read in the comments. But, just in case. Let your babysitter know that you will not be asking your brother and SIL to pick up or see your daughter, or drop anything off. Just in case they come by unannounced and try to trick your babysitter that you "ask them to hastily but forget to tell the babysitter".
NTA
You regained custody. They threw away opened bottles of medication because they were afraid even though you could give the child anything, at any point?
I am sure you appreciated them getting temporary custody when it was needed but she is back in your custody now.
It’s a BS control move. If it has any source in their fears, it’s that they’re concerned OP might sabotage them (by having them unwittingly hurt Emma by administering altered medication), which gives a problematic view into how they’re thinking. But it was probably just a control move.
NTA
Your Brother and SIL weren't worried about Emma they still think that they are Emma's guardians and they feel that she needs protection from you and that they know your child so much better.
They need a reality check, and they get a time out.
But you need to prepare for continued CPS visits, and they will send minions in the form of family members saying that they were only concerned and worried and only want the best for Emma. Send the message back that they blew it, and you aren't comfortable having Emma around them anymore.
NTA. The medications were prescribed by a doctor. They do not have medical knowledge sufficient to overrule a licensed professional, and should not have thrown it away. A fever can be very dangerous to a child if not brought down, and dehydration is an issue in children with the flu who might not be aware enough to know they need a drink.
Their actions were not in your daughter's best interests and seemed more about being anti you than pro her. They endangered her to prove you wrong, and I don't blame you for keeping her away from them.
NTA. I understand that they were her guardians for a while and it might be difficult for them to accept that you are the parent and your decisions are now the ones that matter. That being said, what they did was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. I agree that they will continue to disrespect your decisions and should not be left alone with your child. Their actions created these consequences, so they can deal with them.
Edited to add: please make sure you tell the babysitter that in no way, shape or form should Emma be allowed to go see them on Thanksgiving. Don’t even open the door for them if they “stop by to see her” or something like that.
OP please return to the pediatrician for a new script for the nausea meds and ask them to note in the file that brother and SIL tossed the meds. This needs documentation now.
NTA
1. If they cannot respect you as a parent, they get limited contacted with you and your daughter.
2. What exactly WAS their plan to deal with that stomach flu... they seemingly threw out all the medicine? (I am confused).
3. Anybody excusing their behaviour needs to hear this: You are first and foremost worried about your daughter and yourself. If Brother and SIL want to pose stress factors instead of support systems... they get the appropriate feedback.
4. Start documenting your parenting. Take daily pictures of you and your kid on your phone, document expenses, save receits (and copies in a different, safe space). Get your pediatrician to give you a note that the medicine had been perfectly fine. Don´t trust them not to try and take your daughter away again.
5. Make the attending therapy a stipulation for more access to your daughter, sounds like they have not learned to accept the new reality. Obviously, also demand a REAL apology.
6. Donate the clothes they gave you, once you can afford to replace them.
Also need to make contemporary notes and any documentation about this incident particularly throwing away medication.
And then op need to make a future plan for their kid. Guardianship in case of death of incapacitaion. And figure out if she should relapse and need someone e else to take custody who could do that that she trusts because they should ot be allowed custody again.
>What exactly WAS their plan to deal with that stomach flu... they seemingly threw out all the medicine? (I am confused).
It honestly sounds like they were hoping the kid would get sicker, so that they could blame OP and use that against them with CPS and/or the courts. These people are willing to harm a child in order to get their way. That's some scary shit.
NTA. Nope. You’re the parent and they disregarded yours and HER DOCTOR’s instructions. So that’s a privilege they’ve lost.
And shame on your parents for excusing it. Inexcusable.
NTA. But tell your case worker what happened in case they try and spin this to make you look bad.
Also, don't tell them about the move. Just ghost them and only tell your parents after you settle in.
NTA.
Stop using family for childcare because you are giving them access to your child and opportunities to undermine you as a parent.
Essentially they told your child that you aren't safe, that you WOULD actively abuse your child by drugging her, and that the clothing you buy in inferior.
Parental alienation is no joke.
Honestly it’s next to impossible for most people to get their kids back from the system especially if they are placed with a family member as the family member can say “they still have visitation so it’s best for child to be with us as we are more responsible.” If op proved to the courts and the case workers then she has every rt to keep her daughter from them if they are being toxic. Op congratulations on ur recovery and hitting amazing mile markers! Ur NTA. I would be worried one of ur family members might see this though and then ur get out plan will be ruined.
Oh getting her back was nearly impossible. Courts almost always side with the married couple with stable jobs over the single mom with a record, just got out of rehab, and working and going to school full time
U must have done everything right to prove yourself! My dad is a cop and my mom is an addictions counselor. I read them ur post and they both said if she proved it to the courts and to cps the she did better than most parents in that position. Stay strong and don’t let these bullies drag u down. They see themselves as YOUR DAUGHTERS parents when they are not. U will find ur found support system. Good luck.
Right! OP **earned** their daughter back! That's something you worked for, OP and you deserved it. Congratulations on sobriety and your daughter being back with you!
NTA. Sounds like they are resentful that you regained custody and are doing whatever passive aggressive stuff they can to let you know how they really feel.
INFO Do you have a history of abusing your child or have a history of Munchausen or Munchausen by Proxy in your family?
I'm wondering where they'd get the idea you would put something in her meds. That's a pretty bold accusation to be completely unfounded.
Not crazy, but those parents *usually* aren't on reddit, asking for advice.
And, tbh, those parents usually just let their kids remain in the housing they were placed in.
I completely see where you're coming from, but definitely not the vibe I get from this post.
NTA. They have bonded to her, and demonizing you validate their sorrow.
I would take care near them, they gonna need some time, or counseling, and that can escalate to a war that Emma doesn't deserve.
NTA. I would be seriously concerned. Do you have a support system in California? It’s very expensive here. I would make sure you’re thinking through your plan to move as a single parent.
I don’t have a support system but I got a job with benefits and they offer tuition assistance and daycare assistance. Plus it’s not in the Bay Area, it’s a cheaper part of CA.
Sounds like she didn’t have any real support where she was. She reported everything she could, and is keeping her distance from the toxic.
OP, Have a great time in California with your daughter, enjoy your fresh start, you earned it!
Take with grain of salt from alcoholic with 9.5 years: find out where your meetings and/or therapist is well before you move. Moving is stressful, settling into a new place is hard, and many adults try to make new friends by inviting you out for drinks. Add your mental health and recovery resources to the list of things you need to figure out about your move, since you have some time before it happens.
Congratulations on your sobriety and rebuilding your life with your daughter! My husband started his journey when his kids were teens and it's a much much harder road. ❤
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I wont let my daughter see her aunt and uncle even though they were her guardians for over a year
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
You did the work to get yourself sober and get your daughter back. They no longer get to make the decisions about what is best for her.
Not giving prescribed medicines can be reckless and dangerous, no matter what the illness - particularly in infants. You gave them the instructions from her Dr and they should listen to that. They do not have the knowledge or education to go against what a Dr recommends.
Please document this and any further incidents with them, particularly if they keep reporting you to CPS. Keep a record of all the harassment they give you to ensure that nothing can be used against you.
You are an awesome mother and are doing a great job. She is your daughter and you make the decisions, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for keeping her best interests at heart!!
NTA. What they did is absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry that the clothes you buy "aren't good enough" for them but they should get off their high horse and start understanding that some folks are struggling a bit. And throwing away the medicine is a huge line that they crossed. The fact that they are concerned and want to make sure your daughter is taken care of is fine. These sorts of attacks are not. I absolutely would not let them see your daughter again because I could easily see them setting you up for another CPS visit.
NTA.
Did they send you in email/text their reasoning for their decisions? If so they are possibly laying down a paper trail for their next call to CPS.
I wouldn’t even offer supervised visits.
This!
If you can stand talking to them once more, I would text them something along the lines of "I didn't like that you did x y and z, and ignore medical advice given to me by her doctor. I appreciate you taking care of her when I was unable to, but I do not appreciate the constant comments about taking her from you and SIL, Emma is still my daughter, not yours, and I'mdoing my best to give her everything she needs. Your attempts to help are only interfering with her needs".
Just try to list the things they did wrong to get them to respond and try to justify themselves. What you need is written proof that they 1. Completely disregarded medical advice and 2. Are trying to take her away from you. Next time they call cps, which I believe they will, you have a way to show that it is possible they are only calling CPS because they are butthurt they don't get to be her parents.
NTA. Congratulations on your sobriety. They're the ones acting untrustworthy, not you. If they were actually worried about her, they'd give her medicine and rest.
NTA You know how when parents divorce and one side has a lot of money and the other doesn't and over time the kids only want to spend time with the rich family that gives them everything they want... this is going to happen to you if you don't go NC. Your sister is trying to steal your daughter from you. Better be careful.
NTA. Your brother and SIL are sabotaging your recovery and relationship with your child. I wouldn't be surprised to see then talk negatively about you and your history as she gets older. You may need some distance to feel safer and have the mental capacity to deal with them. EDIT: Just want to say thanks for the awards fellow humans! It's greatly appreciated.
They don’t know this but Emma and I are moving across the country in February. I think the space will be good for us
A bit of advice, I would not give a heads up. At all.
I’ll send them a postcard when we get there.
With no return address.
With a picture from somewhere VERY FAR from where you actually moved! Moving to Florida? Postcard that says Colorado!
[удалено]
Nope. Just one postcard from the same place. They'll be able to track your route otherwiise
OP can start a wave of postcards from around the world. It’ll take a bit of work, but OP can send a signed postcard in an envelope to a Redditor in a touristy spot. Think Florence, Cairo, Athens, Fiji, etc. The Redditor recipient there can add local postage and drop the card in the mail to the toxic family. Good luck trying to find Carmen SanDiego now! edit: RIP My inbox 😂 thank you for the silver kind stranger!!!
I’d happily send one from London.
I’ll send one from Ontario, Canada LMAO. Really throw them for a loop.
Iowa isn't a touristy location but im down to mail a postcard.
Volunteering to send one from Rio - Brazil.
Volunteering Minneapolis!
I'm going to be in the Amazon. That'll really throw them off.
Washington DC in the house! (You don't want to actually do this OP, but it is funny and neat that people are volunteering)
I'm here for Cleveland!
i totes would mail one from orlando. bonus if i can get it postmarked from disneyworld
Unless she mails all of them from yet another location at the same time.
Put them in an envelope. Mail the envelope to a contact in another state and have him drop them in a mailbox.
OP could get 1 postcard from Colorado, fill them out, put it inside an envelope and mail it to a friend in Florida and have the friend mail it from there.
I mean California has a larger population than Canada. I think they will be fine if they know they went to LA, San Diego, and Monterey lmfao
I track people down so we can serve them with lawsuits and you are wrong. Indicating which state they'll be in makes it significantly easier to find them.
Except that they would know she's on the West Coast and most likely in California.
I don't think people realize how big California is. When I was living in GA, people assumed that I used to go to Disneyland all the time when I told them that I was from CA. When I told them that it was over 6 hours away, they were like, "Wait, you can drive 6 hours and still be in California?!?!"
In not American. I have a limited knowledge of the geography of that area.
I’m proud of you for getting and staying clean for your kid and a fresh start will be great for you both. She is so young she’ll only remember you stepping up and bring her rock. Lay low and let those family members realize how much they fucked up by crossing your mama bear wishes😉
You got back custody, right? This is just weird and the type of thing that will look unhinged to everyone in your family and make them MORE involved and concerned. Just move like a normal person and build a new life worth daughter away from the interference of family.
Some people don't believe in personal growth, improvement and redemption. They think once you've gotten a stain on your formerly cherub life, you're permanently rotten, and it's justified to slap you back down and/or throw past wrongs or trauma in your face the moment you might prove you've become a better person. NTA
I read something the other day, maybe in this sub, that makes so much sense... Some people will only accept the version of you that they were able to control. When I read that, it totally cleared up why some people in my life treat me the way they do. It sounds like OP's family is doing the same thing. They'll only accept the version of OP that let them raise her daughter.
Yeah, I wouldn’t send them anything. They obviously want to claim OP’s kid, why rile them up?
The problem is that she has a plan and a timeline, and if they know that this drastic of a change is coming, they will escalate things to a significant degree. We're talking things like planting drugs, slipping something into her drinks, stealing important documents, perhaps hurting or putting her child in danger in some way so that they can blame her, or even kidnapping. It seems dramatic, but these things happen and they've already shown themselves to be unhinged and not afraid of taking matters into their own hands. Call it a 1/100 chance that they do something that drastic, but if they did, it would completely blow up her timeline for moving AND potentially they could be successful. Normally, I''m the one calling people out on here for being alarmist, but this is scary shit.
Agreed. Just move quietly and be away from these helicoptering drama hounds.
THIS. They are not worth the price of a stamp for a post card. Negative attention is still attention.
[удалено]
Agree. This sending out postcards of their route is dumb.
If you have a good relationship with your social worker, (and only if) it wouldn't hurt to get ahead of the eventual blowback by keeping them in the loop. Maybe even get in contact with cps in your new area so you can be prepared. When your 'family' finds out you have left, when they find out where you are they are going to contact cps and tell stories and try to get your daughter back. You have to know that's coming. They can tell cps enough lies to have them take your girl away and give her back to them immediately and then you would have to fight all over again to get her back.
That’s a good idea. Family members are going to make this look like an abduction, especially due to the secrecy, so he needs to get ahead of that somehow. He has parental rights, but family could still make a case Emma is in danger. One thing he might consider is, instead of trolling post cards, he could send a heartfelt letter to his parents assuring them he is absolutely dedicated to taking good care of his daughter. He can tell them his reasons for moving (brother & SIL brazenly undermining his parenting and lying about him to authorities), and asking them not to interfere. If they’re somewhat reasonable, that might prevent them from looking for OP. Still don’t put on a return address though, lol.
If she has full custody and guardianship, it's not an abduction, period. people may get butthurt, and demand visitation, etc; but it's not abduction.
u/aitastomachflu this is potentially disastrous advice and you should not follow it. If you are actually in a situation where you believe that informing CPS is necessary to get ahead of blowback, then you’re *actually* in a situation where you should have a family lawyer helping you to navigate cross country relocation of a minor.
Is there a chance they're on reddit? Don't give too much information here in case you can be identified.
Oh thank goodness. I’m not sure if h they put a permanent destination yet but I keep wanting it all edited out for hiding just in case.
Definitely take her to the Monterey Bay Aquarium! It's amazing! Born and raised Bay Area here, and it's the best spot ever!
I’m planning on taking her there.
If you come to San Diego send me a message and I'll get y'all free tickets to the zoo! (I work there and get free tickets yearly)
She's gunna love it, and so will you! If you want to go whale watching while in the area, try Blue Ocean Whale Watching in Moss Landing. My cousin runs the boat as the naturalist and they do a fantastic job. There's so many whales in Monterey Bay, and it's amazing to see them out in the wild!
No, order some postcards from Stonehenge and let them think you moved to England
I live in Copenhagen, I can send you some postcards from here if you like 😄
Tip: don’t send postcards at all, cut ties and create a new life. They might use it to say you ran away and can’t think straight or something
This is a bad idea. Finding you will be so much easier if they can narrow it down to a state, even a big state like California.
You're still going to make it 50x easier for them to find you if you reveal what state you're going to be in.
Just out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your daughter?
We have a pretty good relationship
File a report with local officials of what they did with her medicine. If they threw away the prescription, and you have to get another one to replace it, they may claim that you are “overdosing” your daughter (obviously you arent but these people seem adamant on trying anything). They suck. I’m happy you are in a better place and it seems like your daughter is better off for it. best of luck ❤️
Careful of details here as I often see people finding posts. Like as in there’s a chance they could see this post. Better safe than sorry
You're going to have so much fun in all those places. Make sure to hit up the Monterey Bay Aquarium! 💗 My daughter was obsessed with it as a toddler and she still is as a 4th grader. And in San Diego make sure to go to the zoo! It's amazing and really large. In LA the La Brea tar pits are also a really cool place to go. Just be careful in SF, don't park your car in the Tenderloin, and don't leave ANYTHING visible in the car. I live in the Bay Area, if you have any questions about places to eat, or kid friendly activities, just let me know! Also NTA. Screw them. I had an experience with my daughter's grandparents trying to gain custody of her while they were watching her to "help me out" while I got back on my feet. It was a horrible experience. Now that I have everything situated and in control of everything, they want to be nice and cater to our needs, which I don't find necessary. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I’m planning on taking her to Disneyland, the San Diego zoo, the Monterey aquarium, maybe the Santa Cruz boardwalk, and fisherman’s wharf in SF.
The second they notice you're gone, they will know exactly where you are taking your vacation just with this travel schedule. IF I were you, i would stop divulging when are you leaving and where specially online. It wouldn't be the first time AHs have discovered the posts talking about them on Reddit. Please, stop oversharing. I beg you.
I'll mail one from Missouri for you if you like!
I would also document all of this as well as your recovery progress. You don't want them to be able to use that against you, or make anything up. Make an FU/CYA binder. If they keep making false cps calls, and one hits a worker who's particularly adamant, you'll want the proof.
Yup
u/aitastomachflu I am all for throwing them off the trail and going NC however since CPS was involved, I would strongly suggest calling the case worker or someone over there and letting them know where you're going and that you do not want the family to know, which is all perfectly legal. What you don't want to happen is for your family to call CPS and say you disappeared with the child and are drinking or something again. You don't want CPS doing a manhunt for you. Make sure a caseworker or whomever followed up on your brother's bullsh't allegations know how to contact you but make it very, very clear that the family is not to know as they have actively been working to try and sabotage your sobriety to gain custody of your child.
Our caseworker already knows that we’re moving. I’m expecting at least one family member to call and say I disappeared with my daughter.
Call your caseworker and let them know what has happened. That they threw out prescriptions, clothes the rest, as well.
I already did
Awesome! I just didn't want them to sabotage you when you're rocking it or drag you back into crap with them. Congrats on two years and I wish the best for you and your daughter. Safe travels.
I just wanna applaud you OP for how much you are on it! Everything the comments said you already did/thought of! That really shows how much u thought this through
Also please make sure your caseworker doesn't let your move slip if they call them on the phone. Don't tell a soul you are moving, even your parents seem to being making excuses for their awful behavior. Make sure your babysitter knows not to answer the door for anyone but you and if they show up and make a scene when they won't be let in, the babysitter calls police. This all sounds drastic, but their drastically bad behavior warrants it. I'm sorry you're dealing w all of this but good luck and congrats on your sobriety!
Make sure your caseworker knows the shit they just pulled. If worst comes to worst you want CPS to know they're unfit and actively harming your daughter.
In fact, maybe also make them aware of the shit your brother just pulled because that might classify as neglect/abuse.
No! From somewhere on the road! Do you want them to see what post office location you used ? If you are slipping away, why would you give them a clue to your new whereabouts? You don’t want them to see where the post card was processed!
I just said I was thinking of sending postcards from different stops along the way. Each family member gets a different location Edit: I’m not actually doing this
Do not do this. What you should do is buy the Post cards on the road and find somebody traveling in the opposite direction. Ask them if they would mind dropping one in mail every so often on their trip (ask an older couple or somebody in an RV and tell then you are trying to avoid an abusive family member if they ask). This way the Post marks are for places not even associated with where you are going. Also get an internet phone number so you can give that as you can still contact them. If you select an area code far away from you it will further keep them off your trail.
Or just. . . not do this?
Maybe don’t. Look. They’re overstepping. But let’s be clear and honest: The neglect would have been quite severe for you to lose custody. They don’t get to overstep now, but let’s not totally villainize the people who stepped up for your kid here. This isn’t a guilt trip it’s perspective. They were her acting parents for a time. Moving away? Makes sense. Put you and your kid and your recovery first away from anyone who may seek to sabotage that out of their own mistrust But antagonize? Nah. Just move and tell people after.
Why would you do that? It’s just going to antagonize the situation. Send an email letting them know you moved if you even want to give them a heads up.
DO NOT DO THIS! This will only mess things up for you guys.
This is only a good idea if you want to rile them up to fight to get your kid from you.
The postcard thing is funny and well deserved, but these people will call cps for any damn thing. You don't know how these games will appear to outsiders. It super sucks that you have to be playing such intense defense against your own family, but they are playing seriously so you have to, as well. Email them, so you haven't "disappeared". Send digital pictures of your happy, healthy kid, but in chain type restaurants if you're serious about keeping your location a secret from them. Let them try to puzzle out whether you're in a McDonalds in Georgia or one in Colorado. Do what you have to do to keep your daughter safe and healthy. I'm so sorry your family isn't supporting you. Best of luck!
You always have to watch out with sending photos if you want to avoid disclosing your location as most phones etc will by default geo tag images. You can turn off those settings though.
This is such a bad idea. Grow up
That's worse than sending one postcard. That's giving them your exact itinerary. From which they can easily narrow down your final location. This is a terrible idea.
Dude, I wouldn't even do that. Just poof. Tell your parents, and let it be.
I'm kinda Eh on letting the parents know about the move. If they are backing Brother and SIL right now I would not be sure they wouldn't tell them. Escalations in CPS calls and (hate to say it but) possible kidnapping to prevent move could happen.
Why bother? If you're looking to go no contact, just do it. Don't stir the pot, shake the jar, or whatever phrase means uneccessary drama where you're from. Best tell your parents to keep your whereabouts to themselves. Just in case... Fanstastic that you're back on track. You're definitely NTA.
I wouldn’t tell the parents as they sound like they’d support the brother and SIL…they’ll definitely tell them if they know. NTA
Also get a new phone number and do not give it to them or anyone who you think might give it to them.
No. Don't contact them again. No return address and get a new number. They're going to try and take her from you. Focus on not relapsing and your daughter. People like that will hurt you to get what they want.
Honestly, don’t do that. If you really want to tell them then create a new email account with a new address and send them messages through that account. Block them on everything else. Just use that one highly controlled account. Explain your reason for moving and why you are cutting them off. You should privately speak with your new local police department and old police department and explain your situation to them. I would not put it past your brother and SIL and other relatives to file child endangerment or kidnapping charges against you. Get in front of this by talking to law enforcement before they can set the narrative of an “alcoholic” who is a threat to this poor child. You will probably need your court documents and medical records to prove your case.
I wouldn't even do that Just straight up leave, go no contact. Let your parents know you've moved but make it painfully clear that it's because you're sibling has been actively harming your ability to parent through sabotage, harassment via cps and harmed her welfare by breaking her medical treatment plan as set forth by the doctor. Inform your parents of this in writing, so when the brother attempts to claim you kidnapped your kid (it happens) you can flat out point out this letter as why you left.
Don't even send them a postcard.
This! Don't tell anyone you are moving. Since your family is excusing their behavior, I wouldn't put it past them to tell your brother and SIL you are moving. Space is the best thing for this situation. Good Luck OP! NTA
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! They are positioning themselves to retake custody of your child. They took away her medicine in the hopes that she will get sicker. Then they will blame YOU for not giving her the prescription medicine from the doctor. They will do and say anything to reach their goal. I would mention to the police and your child's doctor that they threw out her medicine. What they did was illegal! There NEEDS to be a record of that. This proves that they care more about gaining custody than the health of your child.. These people are NOT on your side, or your daughter's side either. It's a good thing that you are moving away from them. I know you're not gonna tell them but make sure you don't tell ANYONE. People that you think are on your side may not be. Trust nobody! Make sure the babysitter does not let them near your daughter when you are not there. Instruct her to not let them in the house if they show up. Don't risk losing your daughter because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. This is far more important than that. I can't stress this enough. Edit: This though popped in my head that perhaps op's brother or wife have munchhousins by proxy. I say this because causing health problems by withholding medicine COULD be a way for them to get attention. Like they WANT op's kid to be sick so they can come to the rescue. I may be going out on a limb here. Any thoughts on this?
OP should also contact his daughter's doctor and explain what happened. Ask the doctor for a refill on the prescription. The more people who can back up OP the better.
This was my thought as well. What they did needs to be reported. There needs to be a record of their misbehavior so that they don't have a leg to stand on when trying to get Emma back.
This was my first thought also.
Don’t give them your new address. They can contact you by email or phone or message. But they can’t send the authorities to your new place if they don’t know where it *is*. Good luck, stay safe! NTA And if they took the kid shopping, then *they could have bought a new bottle of pedialyte*! Surely you couldn’t have tampered with a virgin bottle from the store!
Apparently they did look for a bottle of pedialyte but they couldn’t find the flavor she likes
You need to text them/your mom/etc and say that given that they threw away medication *prescribed by a doctor* you will not be allowing them to see her. You want to document that in writing for the inevitable CPS call.
In fact, maybe call the CPS person to let them know what happened to pre-empt whatever bs your brother is gonna throw your way.
She said in another comment that she told the caseworker about it, so that’s good.
The pedialyte pisses me off more than anything else because if they were genuinely worried, *they could have tried some themselves.* The fact that they didn't just shows they're happy to watch your child suffer as long as it means you suffer too.
Just a little heads up - dont appear different ahead of the move, dont tip them off. Dont seem happier for no apparent reason, dont start being vague or giving different answers (ie if they normally say 'are you going to xy event', and you usually argue back and fore over it, keep that going. Dont suddenly become unusually compliant, or say things like 'we'll see' or 'things could change by then' or 'I dont know what we'll be doing at that time') This may mean lying to some people, and maybe letting others down, but its important to keep things appearing normal. If you get offered a sofa when family get a new one next summer, say sure I'll take it. If they know your lease is up, let them think you are looking locally, apply for child places etc People who make malicious accusations dont care if youre crying & upset - but they can spot a glint of hope, a spring in your step, from a mile off and will double down on their efforts
That's wonderful! Like other commenter, I suggest not telling them ahead of time, and also finding her a pediatrician and establishing care ASAP in the new area. It'll help if they try any crap after the move to already have her established with a local PCP.
GOOD FOR YOU GUYS!!! You need and deserve this space from them.
NTA. They aren’t worried about Emma, they are trying to sabotage your parenting efforts so they can regain custody of your daughter. It was lovely that they gave her a safe place to be when it was needed, but you’ve earned your daughter and deserve to be her mother without these people treating you this way.
OP document this event of them throwing away her prescribed medicine. Names, dates, Dr. contact info, etc. Keep any texts where they admit that and their other bizarre behavior that day. You may need it one day.
IANAL or case worker or anything like that but I wonder if it would be a good idea to call the doctor to get new scripts and ask them to make a note in the file stating that bro & SIL disposed of the original dosage. If bro & SIL try that CPS crap again, I would want that as evidence that they are acting vindictively and don’t have Emma’s best interests in mind (as evidenced by throwing out her prescription medications while under their care.)
That's what I was thinking. Bro and SIL are very likely to try to get OP into court again and OP needs hard evidence.
^This. When I was a medical receptionist if a patient's parent asked me to include that a family member was disposing of the child's medicine, I would absolutely include it in my note to the doctor (when a patient called for a refill it was logged on the computer and sent to the doctor's inbox for approval unless it was something the RN could approve himself).
Yes! Excellent idea.
Yes. OP needs a [FU Binder](https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Just learned about this today from another post. Was scanning the comments for this recommendation. Surprised I have never heard of one before but it makes SO MUCH SENSE. OP..if you see this...follow this link!
Part of me wonders if they were throwing it away to also try and stage something with CPS. "Look she took her daughters medicine to try and get high shes not fit to be a mother!" Kind of thing Edit: As its not apparently clear: im not saying she is taking the pills to do that or that the daughters prescribed pills will get anyone high. I am however saying SIL and brother are trying to set up such an encounter with CPS to make OP look bad so they can take the daughter away. As it will look bad on OP in CPS eyes if her daughter has prescribed meds and theres a lot less then there should be (or completely out) and brother and SILs latest accusation of OP to CPS is OP took the meds in an attempt to do so thinking they would. So you can stop with the idiot pms now
Why would she get high on antinausea medicine...
Im not saying she did. Im saying brother and sil might be trying to set it up to be that since it is prescribed medicine. A lot of people have used mamy different things as a way to get high (cold medicine being one of them) so it wouldn't be an outlandish thing for CPS to look into if they are setting her up for that to call CPS (they already keep calling CPS on OP to take the daughter away, to me this seems like escalation that isnt too far out there. Many people have done similar things) as if CPS deems that she even tried to do such a thing it can be grounds to take the daughter away as instead of now being someone who is a sober alcoholic its someone who was looking for a new kind of hit. We know OP didnt do that, CPS will just look and see daughter is supposed to have more pills and shes out and if brother and SIL are trying to set something like that up CPS will look at it like that. OP needs to get in writing somehow that brother and SIL threw away the pills as this can escalate into bigger problems for OP than just simple "kid is more sick while they try and get the kid more medicine" thing
Also call the dr office for refills (if not too late) because they should document it in their notes too that its being reported as thrown away by family members
Idk what the meds are, but if it’s any controlled medication (like a cough syrup with codeine) OP needs to file a police report for THEFT OF CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE. Either way, really just a good idea to get every side involved at this point. These people sound awful. EDIT: I’m sorry, I read this too fast, there is clearly no controlled med to speak of. Thank you for the info though that tiny kids don’t get codeine, that’s actually comforting! I’ll see myself out now.
Yeah if it was a controlled substance they’re almost definitely trying to make it look like OP took it too
This! Was reading & thinking "nope! They're trying to set you up to look like a bad parent." Keep Emma away from them.
> they are trying to sabotage your parenting efforts so they can regain custody of your daughter. YUP. My guess is they wanted OP to lose custody permanently. OP should never see them again. And be prepared for CPS to come visit again.
IF sounds like you need to build an [FU binder](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/) NOW!! This will protect you and especially after what they have already done to your daughter and you.
NTA ... my SO works for CPS and I just read this to him. He said you should absolutely report this to your social worker. They put your daughter in danger by throwing away her meds and it needs to be documented since they keep calling CPS on you. Congratulations on your sobriety!
u/aitastomachflu I hope you see this above comment. Please report these people and document all that happened. Date and write out everything you can remember.
NTA. As a former Social worker and now medical professional, also report this to Emma’s Pediatrician, so it’s also documented there. It never hurts to show you are concerned as the parent. It also shows you are aware that there was negligence. Who even throws out prescription medications, anyways? *sabotage* that’s intent to harm, and it’s not just you. Do not mention it to your family. Keep your other relationships intact. Much love to you.
As someone in this field as well... I second this. I have seen custodial parents try to sabotage their kids meds/doses in attempt to pin the neglect/or lack of giving the child the prescribed meds on the non-custodial parent /part-time custodial parent, in attempt to accuse them of being unfit or neglectful. While at the same time not taking in to consideration what the affect it has on the CHILD in question they are so gung-ho on "protecting."
Also, the poster above said to reach out to your case worker to report. However if there is no longer CPS involvement, I recommend you call your state/local/whatever CPS hotline to report this.
NTA You need to stand your ground here. They are constantly putting you in danger of losing your child by calling CPS on you. They threw away prescribed medication. They are acting as if Emma is their daughter and undermining your decisions as a parent. They need to be cut out of your and Emma’s life immediately.
Isn't there a penalty for time wasting with CPS callouts?
In some states, a wilful false report is illegal, but good luck proving that. In my state, if the report is made in good faith but wrong, it's immune from civil or criminal liability.
As it should be.
I know folks who have left domestically violent relationships, obtained restraining orders, do custody swaps at police stations, etc. but the former spouse will use CPS to harass them endlessly. It’s a rough situation if the system is abused.
And unfortunately with OP’s history it would be really easy for them to claim that they were doing this out of concern for the child.
NTA > I try to take her to see them a couple times a month. #STOP.
I haven’t taken her since that incident
Please record all of this somewhere, op. If CPS gets called on you again before you leave (I read your other comments) then they might try to use something like IDK maybe the receipts from the clothes they bought as “evidence“ of negligence. Or even if it’s something else, just having a record of this entire incident and of them blatantly undermining you as her parent could potentially work in your favor. Cover yourself!
I would have reported them stealing the clothes she had on and throwing away the meds. Report them before they report her. Someone said above, they work in the field that they see these types of fake calls a lot and that she should report them throwing away her medication. I legit was worried they would say she took the meds to get a buzz. I wouldn’t trust these people at all. They want to steal her daughter away. They had her and they decided they wanted to keep her. Unbelievably heinous thing to do to your own family especially since she’s worked so hard to get to this point. This is how people relapse- when you strip them of anything that brings them joy and a purpose to work for. These people do not have the child’s needs at heart nor OPs either.
WHY WERE YOU TAKING THEM AT ALL?! They basically tried to kidnap your daughter by requiring you to fight for your parental rights, and then repeatedly calling CPS on you! Every step is with the goal of having your child taken from you and given to them, and you are just like "Cool, so babysitting Saturday at 6 work?"
I mean in OP’s defense her daughter was attached to them and she was probably advised that it would good for her to see the people who took care of her for so long. She absolutely should not see them again but it’s not her fault for trusting them at first.
My niece and her 3 half siblings were removed from their mother due to abuse and neglect: they were still forced to attend visitations with their mother by Child Protection because “we don’t want to jeopardise their relationship with their mother”/“the relationship with their mother should be maintained”. Even though my 1 year old niece freaked out every time she saw her mother or heard her voice. And had nightmares after every visitation until my brother (who got full sole custody) refused to take his daughter to see his abusive ex anymore. One of nieces half siblings were restored to her father too after spending a year in the care of their mothers aunt (who made no secret of the fact she wanted to keep the child and would badmouth the father every chance she got), yet that father was told he had to ensure the relationship between his daughter and her great-aunt/former carer was maintained, even after the great-aunt/former carer told the girl her father was *stealing* her and he had no right to keep her overnight (seriously less than a month after he got sole custody and this little 4 year old was in tears thinking her daddy was breaking the rules and would be taken from her)
They didn’t kidnap her. I had to go through the courts to get her back. Also, even though they’ve been horrible to me, it wouldn’t have been fair to Emma to cut contact with them without them doing something to harm her
Anger between family members who do fostering isn’t uncommon when it comes to reunification. The person who had their children in care resent the carers and the family who did care for the baby are not equipped for the emotional loss and lash out. I would hope there’s emotional support for both groups to make the transition.
In my state there is no support for either party. Case closed, kids return home, end of story. They promote kinship care for plenty of good reasons (and some questionable ones as well), but the reality of what that does to the family dynamic is not considered IMO. To clarify: Good reasons=keeping the kiddos with family (always good). Bad reasons=no financial support for caregivers, kiddos do not automatically qualify for benefits, and less oversight. (At least in my state.)
Oh come on now. That's not how that works. OP had her child taken from her due to her addiction. She needed to clean herself up and fight for her child. That wasn't something her family made her do, that's something CPS requires.
OP lost custody for a reason. Them not handing the child over as soon as OP said “ok, I’m good now” isn’t kidnapping. 🙄 And they raised her for what would have felt like forever to the child. Did you stop to think how harmful it would have been for the child to suddenly never see them again after bonding with them?
You seem to be on top of everything from what I have read in the comments. But, just in case. Let your babysitter know that you will not be asking your brother and SIL to pick up or see your daughter, or drop anything off. Just in case they come by unannounced and try to trick your babysitter that you "ask them to hastily but forget to tell the babysitter".
NTA You regained custody. They threw away opened bottles of medication because they were afraid even though you could give the child anything, at any point? I am sure you appreciated them getting temporary custody when it was needed but she is back in your custody now.
It’s a BS control move. If it has any source in their fears, it’s that they’re concerned OP might sabotage them (by having them unwittingly hurt Emma by administering altered medication), which gives a problematic view into how they’re thinking. But it was probably just a control move.
But then they would have gotten new meds. This is straight up sabotage.
Exactly. If they were really concerned that OP was drugging the daughter, they'd have called CPS and *saved* the medicine for evidence.
NTA Your Brother and SIL weren't worried about Emma they still think that they are Emma's guardians and they feel that she needs protection from you and that they know your child so much better. They need a reality check, and they get a time out. But you need to prepare for continued CPS visits, and they will send minions in the form of family members saying that they were only concerned and worried and only want the best for Emma. Send the message back that they blew it, and you aren't comfortable having Emma around them anymore.
NTA but a bit naïve to leave your child with people who relentlessly call CPS on you...?
I didn’t want to but I didn’t have any other options
I bet they bought her new cloths and kept the receipt to prove OP was not supporting her child.
NTA. The medications were prescribed by a doctor. They do not have medical knowledge sufficient to overrule a licensed professional, and should not have thrown it away. A fever can be very dangerous to a child if not brought down, and dehydration is an issue in children with the flu who might not be aware enough to know they need a drink. Their actions were not in your daughter's best interests and seemed more about being anti you than pro her. They endangered her to prove you wrong, and I don't blame you for keeping her away from them.
This! NTA. And congratulations on your sobriety. I wish only the best for your and Emma’s future.
NTA. I understand that they were her guardians for a while and it might be difficult for them to accept that you are the parent and your decisions are now the ones that matter. That being said, what they did was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. I agree that they will continue to disrespect your decisions and should not be left alone with your child. Their actions created these consequences, so they can deal with them. Edited to add: please make sure you tell the babysitter that in no way, shape or form should Emma be allowed to go see them on Thanksgiving. Don’t even open the door for them if they “stop by to see her” or something like that.
OP please return to the pediatrician for a new script for the nausea meds and ask them to note in the file that brother and SIL tossed the meds. This needs documentation now.
I already did
I'm glad. You're doing great for you and kiddo. Wishing you all the best.
NTA 1. If they cannot respect you as a parent, they get limited contacted with you and your daughter. 2. What exactly WAS their plan to deal with that stomach flu... they seemingly threw out all the medicine? (I am confused). 3. Anybody excusing their behaviour needs to hear this: You are first and foremost worried about your daughter and yourself. If Brother and SIL want to pose stress factors instead of support systems... they get the appropriate feedback. 4. Start documenting your parenting. Take daily pictures of you and your kid on your phone, document expenses, save receits (and copies in a different, safe space). Get your pediatrician to give you a note that the medicine had been perfectly fine. Don´t trust them not to try and take your daughter away again. 5. Make the attending therapy a stipulation for more access to your daughter, sounds like they have not learned to accept the new reality. Obviously, also demand a REAL apology. 6. Donate the clothes they gave you, once you can afford to replace them.
Also need to make contemporary notes and any documentation about this incident particularly throwing away medication. And then op need to make a future plan for their kid. Guardianship in case of death of incapacitaion. And figure out if she should relapse and need someone e else to take custody who could do that that she trusts because they should ot be allowed custody again.
>What exactly WAS their plan to deal with that stomach flu... they seemingly threw out all the medicine? (I am confused). It honestly sounds like they were hoping the kid would get sicker, so that they could blame OP and use that against them with CPS and/or the courts. These people are willing to harm a child in order to get their way. That's some scary shit.
NTA. Your brother ignored medical advice and acted against your instructions. Ignore them.
NTA. Nope. You’re the parent and they disregarded yours and HER DOCTOR’s instructions. So that’s a privilege they’ve lost. And shame on your parents for excusing it. Inexcusable.
NTA. But tell your case worker what happened in case they try and spin this to make you look bad. Also, don't tell them about the move. Just ghost them and only tell your parents after you settle in.
I already talked to the caseworker
How did the case worker react?
She’s already used to their bullshit so she wasn’t surprised.
NTA. Stop using family for childcare because you are giving them access to your child and opportunities to undermine you as a parent. Essentially they told your child that you aren't safe, that you WOULD actively abuse your child by drugging her, and that the clothing you buy in inferior. Parental alienation is no joke.
Honestly it’s next to impossible for most people to get their kids back from the system especially if they are placed with a family member as the family member can say “they still have visitation so it’s best for child to be with us as we are more responsible.” If op proved to the courts and the case workers then she has every rt to keep her daughter from them if they are being toxic. Op congratulations on ur recovery and hitting amazing mile markers! Ur NTA. I would be worried one of ur family members might see this though and then ur get out plan will be ruined.
Oh getting her back was nearly impossible. Courts almost always side with the married couple with stable jobs over the single mom with a record, just got out of rehab, and working and going to school full time
U must have done everything right to prove yourself! My dad is a cop and my mom is an addictions counselor. I read them ur post and they both said if she proved it to the courts and to cps the she did better than most parents in that position. Stay strong and don’t let these bullies drag u down. They see themselves as YOUR DAUGHTERS parents when they are not. U will find ur found support system. Good luck.
Right! OP **earned** their daughter back! That's something you worked for, OP and you deserved it. Congratulations on sobriety and your daughter being back with you!
NTA. Sounds like they are resentful that you regained custody and are doing whatever passive aggressive stuff they can to let you know how they really feel.
INFO Do you have a history of abusing your child or have a history of Munchausen or Munchausen by Proxy in your family? I'm wondering where they'd get the idea you would put something in her meds. That's a pretty bold accusation to be completely unfounded.
No. I’ve never done anything to hurt my daughter.
Not trying to be crazy but alcoholics have definitely been known to put things in their kids’ bottles so they can go party.
Not crazy, but those parents *usually* aren't on reddit, asking for advice. And, tbh, those parents usually just let their kids remain in the housing they were placed in. I completely see where you're coming from, but definitely not the vibe I get from this post.
NTA. Keep a record of this. They put her in danger not you.
NTA. They have bonded to her, and demonizing you validate their sorrow. I would take care near them, they gonna need some time, or counseling, and that can escalate to a war that Emma doesn't deserve.
NTA. I would be seriously concerned. Do you have a support system in California? It’s very expensive here. I would make sure you’re thinking through your plan to move as a single parent.
I don’t have a support system but I got a job with benefits and they offer tuition assistance and daycare assistance. Plus it’s not in the Bay Area, it’s a cheaper part of CA.
Sounds like she didn’t have any real support where she was. She reported everything she could, and is keeping her distance from the toxic. OP, Have a great time in California with your daughter, enjoy your fresh start, you earned it!
Take with grain of salt from alcoholic with 9.5 years: find out where your meetings and/or therapist is well before you move. Moving is stressful, settling into a new place is hard, and many adults try to make new friends by inviting you out for drinks. Add your mental health and recovery resources to the list of things you need to figure out about your move, since you have some time before it happens. Congratulations on your sobriety and rebuilding your life with your daughter! My husband started his journey when his kids were teens and it's a much much harder road. ❤
Not to sound overly pessimistic but I hope you are prepared for them to sue you for visitation or some shit when they find out you moved.
Oh I’m expecting them to do worse than fight for visitation
Definitely keep multiple copies of your court papers on you or very near at all times. At this point they are coming off as the crazy ones.
NTA They sound toxic and vindictive. I’d keep your daughter away from them permanently.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I wont let my daughter see her aunt and uncle even though they were her guardians for over a year Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and not even close. I wish you every success in your life and in your role as a mother.
NTA. You did the work to get yourself sober and get your daughter back. They no longer get to make the decisions about what is best for her. Not giving prescribed medicines can be reckless and dangerous, no matter what the illness - particularly in infants. You gave them the instructions from her Dr and they should listen to that. They do not have the knowledge or education to go against what a Dr recommends. Please document this and any further incidents with them, particularly if they keep reporting you to CPS. Keep a record of all the harassment they give you to ensure that nothing can be used against you. You are an awesome mother and are doing a great job. She is your daughter and you make the decisions, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for keeping her best interests at heart!!
NTA. What they did is absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry that the clothes you buy "aren't good enough" for them but they should get off their high horse and start understanding that some folks are struggling a bit. And throwing away the medicine is a huge line that they crossed. The fact that they are concerned and want to make sure your daughter is taken care of is fine. These sorts of attacks are not. I absolutely would not let them see your daughter again because I could easily see them setting you up for another CPS visit.
NTA. Did they send you in email/text their reasoning for their decisions? If so they are possibly laying down a paper trail for their next call to CPS. I wouldn’t even offer supervised visits.
This! If you can stand talking to them once more, I would text them something along the lines of "I didn't like that you did x y and z, and ignore medical advice given to me by her doctor. I appreciate you taking care of her when I was unable to, but I do not appreciate the constant comments about taking her from you and SIL, Emma is still my daughter, not yours, and I'mdoing my best to give her everything she needs. Your attempts to help are only interfering with her needs". Just try to list the things they did wrong to get them to respond and try to justify themselves. What you need is written proof that they 1. Completely disregarded medical advice and 2. Are trying to take her away from you. Next time they call cps, which I believe they will, you have a way to show that it is possible they are only calling CPS because they are butthurt they don't get to be her parents.
NTA. Congratulations on your sobriety. They're the ones acting untrustworthy, not you. If they were actually worried about her, they'd give her medicine and rest.
NTA Refusing to provide medical care to a child is abuse. The medication that you left with them for your child was medical care.
NTA You know how when parents divorce and one side has a lot of money and the other doesn't and over time the kids only want to spend time with the rich family that gives them everything they want... this is going to happen to you if you don't go NC. Your sister is trying to steal your daughter from you. Better be careful.