NTA its your family so you get to make jokes about it.
if it makes her uncomfortable its her problem, i would be uncomfertable with her saying how big her family is.
take care op and sorry for your loses
Not to mention, she KINDA had it coming after all her comments about your family. To me, it was a clever (and probably more polite š¤£) way to tell her to go fuck herself.
>Not to mention, she ~~KINDA~~ DEFINITELY had it coming after all her comments about your family. To me, it was a clever (and probably more polite š¤£) way to tell her to go fuck herself.
FTFY, how bloody insensitive of her, she deserves a damn good verbal smack-down for those comments to someone who has had to deal with so many familial deaths.
Exactly this. My favourite part is āshe repliedā¦I really need to check my attitudeā
Wtf? She deliberately throws her family in OPās face every chance she gets, and then whines about *attitude*? If I was OP (which Iām not, cuz Iām an ahole), Iād store all the pics of friendās family gatherings then send them to her when they start passing away.
āHey, remember the time when so-and-so was *alive*?ā
In addition I had a āfriendā in high school who made fun of me for crying at Marley and me after I had to rehome my dog and we got in a bit of a heated conversation where I said fine Iāll make fun of you for crying when your dogs pass away and she said fine I donāt even like them that much. Several months later she came to me crying at school cuz her dog had to be put down and tbh I didnāt have the heart to throw it in her face but I looked at her debating and she KNEW
I appreciate your tact and diplomacy. And extra mad props that not only was your comment minimalist yet elegant, you worded it in such a pithy manner.
FYI: I've been trying to get some pith going, and I'm really into writing.
i canāt even watch Marley and Me i cry so hardā¦.i had post partum depression bad after my first daughter was born so i really related to Annistonās character
and anybody who doesnāt at least tear up is obviously a robot
Thatās because people are uncomfortable about death. My son died seven years ago at the age of 18. Iāve used different versions of the line āwell, someone already got my first born son. What more do you want?ā It ALWAYS shuts them right up and makes them uncomfortable. Win, win in my book.
My mom passed this May, around September a couple of my supervisors were joking around at work making āIāll tell your mom on youā statements to each other.
āIāll call your mom!ā- Supervisor
āNo, Iāll call your mom!ā - Assistant Manager
āIāll talk to your mom!ā - Supervisor
āWell, if either of you talk to my mom let me know, she hasnāt spoken to me since May, and Iām beginning to take it personally.ā - Me
Cue shocked gasps
My dad had a stroke towards the end of September, my husband and I drove all the way from Massachusetts to Vermont to see him in the hospital and be there with my brothers. The first thing I said when I saw himā¦
āYou know, if you wanted me to visit more often you should have just called.ā
My dad burst out laughing.
A few years ago my mom had a stroke 2 days before Thanksgiving. She was supposed to be hosting that year. Since I live 800 miles away, I called my brother to see what was going on. First thing he said was "If she didn't want to do Thanksgiving at her house she could have just said so. She didn't have to get all dramatic about it." I lost it and laughed so hard. When he told her that recently she laughed about it. Hope your dad is recovering well.
Love it!
My dad passed before my 21st birthday, but my mum was still around. I got up to give some form of speech to my friends and family, and realised mum wasn't in the room (I think she'd gone to get the cake) so I opened with,
"This is typical, my 21st birthday and neither of my parents are here. To be fair, my dad has a better excuse."
10/10 favourite joke I've ever told.
As someone with two dead parents, I do this shit all the time. It's extremely satisfying making offhand comments like "Oh, let me go get mom/dad's ashes", especially if they're being disrespectful.
Someone once asked me what I was doing for my mother for Mother's Day. I got out "Nothing" before they cut me off to lecture me about how I'm a horrible child and should take her presents and make her dinner. I told them they were right and then asked them what meals they recommended for an urn of ashes. No apology from them, they just walked off as quickly as possible and never spoke to me again. I have a somewhat dark sense of humor anyway so it makes it easy.
I agree completely with you though. OP is NTA and took these backhanded comments way too long
My mother passed when I was young too. My brother and I will literally trick people we know into making a āyour momājoke, just so we can say āmy moms deadā itās hilarious to us. Also, most everyone knows, so they really shouldnāt be surprised when it happens. Iām glad someone else does it, itās good fun.
I live in a country where everyone is tactless and VERY nosy. When people ask me things like āwhereās your father?ā, I say āDeadā just to watch them squirm. When they reply, āOh, but your mother?ā I know Iāve won when I say āDead tooā.
Not sure if you enjoy or even know about British panel shows (most of my US friends don't lol), but this reminds me of a classic moment. Seems like your type of humor, hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_Yk5me7U7Bk
Romesh Ranganathan: [describes a tv show he did with his mum over several weeks]
Jimmy Carr: And what did you dad think of it?
Romesh: He said, Romesh, I've been dead for three years.
I lost my dad when I was young and it kind of had the same effect. I have a wierd sence of humour and so does my little brother. When we get together we can make everyone uncomfortable, and I have friends with really dark humour... But at the end of the day, that was my close-one and I can say whatever makes me feel good.
I agree, in addition my mom is the one who taught me I make a joke in an uncomfortable situation, and I think I was too young to enjoy some of her dark humor by my dad says she wouldāve enjoyed how I joke around with my brothers
I love your sense of humour! I wasn't super young when I lost my father (late teens) but it was still young enough for people to be weird about it. I've dealt with a few jerks over the years and have always put them in their place, but my favourite one was when a salesman kept hounding me mere days after my dad died wanting to "talk to the owner of the house" for some shit he was peddling to home owners. Each day I kept telling him to fuck off, it was inappropriate, the owner had just died but he kept coming back thinking I was lying. Finally one day I relented and gave him the number of the place he could find the owner of the house- the fucking morgue where his body was at that time. The salesman didn't come the next day.
> NTA, as someone who had their mom die young I LIVE on making people uncomfortable.
This is so totally my jam. When my mom died, I was an adult, but I still quite enjoyed it. When I got back to work after my mom died (I live/work in another country), one of my co-workers that I seldom saw knew that I went away because of my mom, but she didn't know details.
So when she sees me, she gives a warm, friendly greeting... and then asks, "So, how's your mom?" I just looked at her and said simply, "Dead." She did not know how to respond.
My mom died suddenly last year. My siblings and I are all in our 30s, so not nearly as young as you were (I'm so sorry), but it's still way too soon. My siblings and I still make "your mom" jokes to eachother and while they're morbid to outsiders, we don't think Mom would mind. It's our own pain, we can laugh the edge off of it if we feel like it.
love this idea as an only who is far far from any family except my son who is an atheist. no one who uses humor against you and can't take a joke can go sit on a stanchion and spin. this should be the year you find friends who deserve that label.
an upright bar, post, or frame forming a support or barrier.
So like an upright bar that you use to mark out queues with the fabric between two of them making the barrier. Like a velvet rope at a swanky club etc
She is not a friend
- she deliberately pokes at an incredibly vulnerable/sensitive spot every chance she gets
A true friend would be deliberately careful around this topic (and not use every opportunity to throw how big her family is in Ops face)
All that aside from her horrible horrible unacceptable comments at the funeral - that would have been the deal breaker for me. She somehow managed to redirect your family members funeral and your time of grief back to herself (about her large family) she is a jerk.
Op you are NTA your friend is and you have every right to implement a boundary of no more comments like that if she wants to remain your friend bc they make YOU uncomfortable (hell they are outright cruel and would be painful to me if I was you)
Just verbal? Honestly if sheād made that comment she made at OPās momās funeral to *me,* I may have been inclined to use my grief as an excuse to slap a chromosome or two out of her DNA.
āLet me comfort you by talking about how big my family is and how fortunate I am that theyāre not dead like your mom is over there.ā
Fuck. That would have been the last time I ever talked with that vapid idiot.
Exactly. If she has such an easy time telling OP to check herself, then next time she makes comparisons between her family and OPās I hope she will be quick to tell her that makes her uncomfortable and she needs to check herself.
Hopefully friend picked up on that finally and won't do it anymore.
āIām confused. Youāre the one who keeps intentionally bringing up my dead family/lack of living family - you havenāt seemed uncomfortable rubbing my face in it before. But it bothers you if *I* use humor to cope with the way you rubbing it in makes me uncomfortable. Interesting.ā
Though thatās nuclear.
When I was your age I learnt the hard lesson that not all friends are actually our friends; that some people get off on making their āfriendsā feel bad and see all relationships as power plays they can use to make themselves feel important. I know you havenāt learnt this yet* because you still associate with her after she made that comment *at your mothers funeral* (which is when most of us would have cut it off).
Take this as advice from a loving, if stranger, Internet mom. This person isnāt your friend. They donāt have your back. They see you as a pawn they can emotionally manipulate to make themselves feel good and donāt care how you feel at any given moment.
You deserve better.
* Edited to Add: I just realized this part might read like Iām blaming you for not learning this yet, when what I meant was more āyou havenāt been put in a position that taught you thisā itās actually a really painful and hard lesson and Iām sorry you are having to learn it.
Me too. But OP may or may not be prepared for that. I find friends like this coming into people pleasers (which I totally am/was) and nuclear is a big leap for usā¦ especially when we donāt know weāre worth more yet.
Amen. Took me long enough to get to this point but glad Iām finally here. Itās so freeing to be rid of toxic people and the experience of finally removing the venom those snakes have injected into my life was priceless.
OP even says this "friend" knows they're sensitive about the topic *because she makes these comments.* So it sounds like they know there is malicious intent behind it. I hope your words help them see that sometimes you have to lose people on purpose, and that's not the tragedy that losing people you wish you could keep around is.
(OP, your dark joke was hilarious - NTA)
This is the exact truth, I could not agree more!
And the beautiful thing is that once OP can recognise this, not another single person will be able to get away with it. Itās a hard lesson to learn, but definitely worth it.
Is it bad I'm actually laughing at it? I'm sorry for your loss, but this is my kind of humour. When we cremated my grandmother, it was so hot in the funeral home, on of my cousins remarked they were probably preheating her.
On Topic: NTA of course, she's been fishing for these comments for quite some time, and now she got it.
Exactly. A real friend doesn't throw a sore point like bereavement in someone's face, repeatedly and at the most inappropriate times imaginable (like OP's mother's funeral), WT-literal-F?).
If she needs to feel superior to you because she hasn't been hit by bereavement yet, she is the one who needs to review her attitude, not OP.
OP, stick with people who don't throw your losses in your face every chance they get.
Hahaha, it sounds like my family would get along with your family really well.
When my grandmother was dying, we were all taking turns keeping her company. She loved her hair, and someone from the home she was in gave her a "haircut" a couple of days before that was actually a buzzcut.
My cousin leaned in and whispered "Nan, do me a favour. Come back when you can and haunt whoever took the clippers to your head". We thought she was probably unconscious at that point, but her lips turned up in a smile.
The next day, my aunt kept her very last promise to my nan. She bought a wig that most closely resembled her real hair and brought it to the funeral director.
Just jumping in here to say: I really don't think she is your friend...
I get that there is probably alot of backstory between the two of you and what not... But she literally "one-ups" you every chance she gets (by the sounds of it) because her family isn't dead?! If anything is morbid, that's it. No friend should or would behave like this
(English isn't my mother tongue but I hope you get my point)
Op this is not a friend friends don't anything close to that at a funeral to another friend she is literally gloating about her Big family to you because she knows you have a small one
NTA. Are you sure sheās your friend??? Sounds like sheās a passive aggressive person that makes herself feel better by putting you down. Ditch her.
I think your joke was actually hilarious. I made an inappropriate joke while giving birth to my dead child and while the midwife was horrified, my partner laughed because thatās how some of us get through pain.
Lots of love to you, I buried my dad only recently. Grief is a lifelong friend. Take care of yourself.
I went to visit my stepdad I. the hospital. we were discussing pulling his life support. I said "yank it like you're starting a lawnmower" ala Seinfeld. no one appreciated it.
She doesnt seem like a good friend AT ALL. I would stop talking to her- why is she talking about your lack of family a*t a funeral??* If you don't stop talking to her and she makes another remark about how she has so many living family members, I would just make a remark that she may have more living family members but that means she has more family members that are going to die
I couldnāt imagine any of my friends making any comments like that to me, if they did I wouldnāt consider them a friend
Anyway op, you most likely have quality over quantity so maybe she is jealous of you? Just a thought!
Anyway enjoy your holiday with people who care about you rather than pretend friends trying to score points
NTA
Just tell her that it also makes you uncomfortable how she always mentions your dead family and shows off how big hers is. Though she would probably gaslight you and say that she didnāt mean no wrong and you are just jealous.
Honestly, I would be asking her why she finds your dead family so amusing, then, that she feels it's acceptable to make jokes about them and mock you over them.
NTA
OP - your friend is really mean to you. Maybe she's just clueless and insensitve but it sounds like this is an ongoing theme with her
I would've cut her out of my life after what she said at your mom's funeral. That was seriously beyond the pale. I mean, we had a few people who said stupid things at my mom's funeral (and I still remember verbatim 35 years later) - but they were good friends of my mom and my family and they really were speaking out of sadness and pain. Your friend shows this as a pattern.
Yup! Sheās the arsehole. How dare she basically rub it in your face that her family is bigger (not that it even matters!) completely disregarding the tragedies youāve faced. Bad friend. Extremely self centred.
I think she's deep down very insecure and sees friends more as competitors. She has even tried to compare our cats' weights so she could say she's a better owner.
I love this question because it puts things into perspective perfectly. Iāve ended a couple friendships because they didnāt benefit me at all. If anything they just brought stress and unwanted drama. A great question to ask!
Maybe that's why she needs a big family if her family contribute as much as her.. they need quantity instead of quality.
Think OP doesn't need this kind of friend.
There's a saying about making sure the people in your boat are rowing along with you and not drilling holes. She's drilling holes OP.
Any friendship that brings you down instead of helping lift you up is not worth keeping.
Girl, she is not your friend and you should cut your losses at this point, seems like that girl doesn't even like you, she just likes competing with you.
Oh for certain. Whoever has the fattest squishiest furball wins. I also play this game with friends (spoiler alert, everyone wins).
In all seriousness though I would reconsider this friendship
Muffin wins because he's plum and soft and squishy. Shadow wins because he's fit and athletic and hunts mouse toys like no other. Cashew wins because she's a bit of both uwu
I win because I get to play with all my friends' cats.
She's simply not a friend. You posted pics of your family, then she went to the trouble of texting you to say hurtful things with pictures, then told you to lose your attitude when you had a problem with it.... She's going out of her way to be this way. Don't invite her into your life anymore.
Tell her, āHaving more family members than me that are still alive is not an accomplishment on your part.ā if she acts like an AH again, maybe sheāll finally get the hint you have no interest in playing her āgameā.
Sheās probably extremely unhappy with her family/family dynamics or something else. Seeing you be close to your siblings is probably a jab in the gut for her or something so instead of being happy for you she tries to bring you down to her level
Itās so strange that sheās so very competitive, even about completely trivial and inconsequential things. OP, I have to say that you made a really good joke. Hers donāt seem very funny in comparison!
Yeah it was a funny joke and I would have laughed it off as morbid humor under most circumstances. Friend's reaction says it all, she knew what she was doing.
NTA
You could reply
"that you are surprised she is uncomfortable with your morbid joke because since she keeps bringing up and going on about how small your family is knowing full well that the reason for that is they are all DEAD. If it is OK for her to keep referencing your deceased relatives and her live ones then surely it's OK for you to have a sense of humour about it."
Follow up with "Actually, I am glad this has come up because in fact it upsets me when you keep pointing out how small my family is, because they ARE all dead and the black humour this time was a coping mechanism. How about you stop going on about it then I won't need to make dark jokes as a defence."
I think this is a great way to respond because it explains exactly what you did and why, and highlights her hypocrisy as well as establishing clear boundaries going forward.
I think people don't realise that this type of morbid humour is a way to grieve and get through the day. It's exhausting being sad, it feels like a literal weight and you can't carry it all the time.
Morbid jokes and black humour is how to keep going. I can make dead mom jokes with my very close friends and others who've lost someone close because they get it.
When someone hasn't lost someone, let alone someone close to them, they don't understand that it's always there. You navigate through the day going "that was their favourite song," "I guess I'll never be able to get an answer for that," "I really wish they were here because they would find this hilarious."
All those inside jokes that will now never get used again because no one will understand them. All the advice, the memories that were only between two people. Those stories that the parents used to tell about you? Gone. Heck, you have lost a whole chunk of your life because the person who would remember, the only person, is now gone.
NTA. If she can make jokes but not you, about your dead family, she's an asshole that doesn't deserve the time of day. If she can't help with the grief, and can't deal with the person you've become because parts of you are forgotten or lost, then she shouldn't be there.
I feel like I was supposed to read this. I hate that I lost my dad 10 years ago. Like I was 16, I still needed him, but Iāve been forced to figure things out. While I still feel like I have taken a HUGE step back in life because of it, the pain really is always there. And sadly I feel like Iām losing memory of him. I think that pains me more than most things
Long replies to these sort of things shows your reaching. My response would be " everytime you being up your full family that's what it reminds me of."
NTA
As someone who has very little living family left, I may have to borrow your joke. Inadvertent or not, it is hilarious.
Your friend is a tad bit out of touch with your feelings, and I have a feeling that it's not by accident. She's boasting in a passive manner and I would definitely call her on it. Don't allow her to pin her inconsiderate behavior on you. If she was uncomfortable with the joke then good. Now she knows what you feel like when she's cracking her big family "jokes," and claiming that it comes from a place of innocence.
Such a weird brag, too. "I have more living family than you do!" What does that say about her? Nothing at all. Ok, maybe it says she's not mass-murdering her family.
Yet.
It's all about upstaging for her. When she gets tired of her BIG family, she'll clock them to make her family smaller than OP's.
"See, my family is smaller than yours. I deserve more pity than you. Once again, feel my superiority!"
There's no way a joke that mild made her uncomfortable. She's upset you called her out for her poor attitude and is trying to make you the bad guy.
NTA
I think your comment was fucking brilliant and consider you are a bit of a legend. Your way is so much more effective than trying to catch her at being thoughtless or suggest she is being passive aggressive! How sad for her that her only onemanship opportunity is ānot dead over hereā. NTA
Info: Have you asked her not to say things like that before? Because someone who does not understand severe, lossful grief does not automatically realize being sensitive to something means never to mention it. It seems like common sense, but apparently itās not
I've had many, many discussions on how she lacks awareness when discussing sensitive topics, not just the family thing, but other things in general. This isn't the only topic she tries to one up me on. They don't make a difference.
Maybe OP doesn't have many friends either and will try and keep the few she has.
The problem is that OP is clinging to the wrong "friend". That's not a friend, that person is using OP to feel superior or to cope with her own issues without considering OPs feelings.
This sums it up. I've been friends with her for a while. With witnessing somethings I did as a kid I became a shut in for a while. Real shy. Real anxious. Maybe that's why this friend gravitated towards me, knew I was a doormat. But I've been in therapy and working on my confidence and assertiveness. I've met some great new people and distance myself from her.
āFriendsā who are one- uppers are tiresome. Stick with the new great people and cut her loose. As many people have said, sheās not really your friend
Oh yes. I had a "friend" who turned my husband's passing into comedy fuel at a party where I knew no one. I have a sick dark sense of humour but I save it for people I know or at least have met before so they know I'm not a sociopath.
Anyway. She thrived on cutting me down because she was jealous I was healing from my trauma and she wasn't. She landed me back in therapy, on antidepressants (which I'd never been on) and on Gov mandated mental health pension for a year! And she blamed me and said it was all my fault and how dare I upset her.
Since I've cleaned house of her and everything she gifted me, I've: enrolled in school, become an animal foster, stopped drinking to an unhealthy level (down to oe a week!), come off the antidepressants, sort treatment for unrelated anxiety and OCD and become a volunteer in my local community.
She still whinges and calls my friends (who she met through me) to tell them I've been self harming (she caused my trichotillomania to flare up which has since stopped) and it's all my fault.
I'm really glad you're on a healthier trajectory. I want to say though that you still weren't to blame for being shy and anxious and having someone else target you. Forgive yourself for not always knowing your power. She is to blame for how she's been treating you.
You must have a lot of good qualities if she keeps throwing her abundant family in your face. She is clearly very insecure and envious and that is the one thing she has over you. Sometimes you need to cut bad friends loose to make room for new, worthy friends. No matter what you're going through, never let anyone step on you.
On the subject of family, I've experienced both big and small family. I've noticed big family mostly show up to family events because of tradition, obligation, and convenience. I myself like genuine relationships and prefer a smaller family/circle of friends. At the end of the day it's not about how big your family is, but how big they make you feel when you're around them.
Take care.
Does she have some sort of diagnosis or something? Iām serious, some biological inability to understand human emotions. My eyebrows literally disappeared into my hairline when I read the comment about the wedding party. What kind of person could be *stupid* enough to say something like that and not realise they are literally pointing out that you have almost no family and so many of your closest relatives died before they could be at your wedding š„. If she has been told how hurtful she is being and she doesnāt care enough to check herself before she speaks then sheās not a friend. She shouldnāt be trying to one up you on anything, let alone who has the least deaths in their family!!! Who does that???? She doesnāt have any respect for you or love for you if she keeps hurting you like this. Iām glad you have a lovely small close family with your siblings, you need to give yourself some self respect and self love and ditch her. NTA ā¤ļø
I, along with some of her other friends, have always wondered if she had a social disorder because they've experienced her lack of self - awareness as well. From what we're aware she isn't diagnosed with anything. Her family is similar - no censorship or control - so it maybe just a learned thing. And thank you friend!
Understood. You were never the asshole, to be clear, but this response makes it a firm NTA instead of n a h. Sorry for your loss and thoughtless friend
I think her reaction to your joke proves that sheās not as unaware as she lets on. If she likes to one up you so often, maybe you should reconsider holding onto this friendship.
NTA. She's made rude remarks about your family in the past, she shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it.
What you said was funny anyway, I'd laugh if someone said that to me.
NTA that's hilarious it is super passive aggressive though.
Maybe explain it was meant as a joke but also, her comments comparing her family to yours make you uncomfortable (if it does).
If her comments dont make you uncomfortable but this has annoyed you maybe tell her if she doesnt like your sense of humour about death then you would appreciate it if she stopped comparing her family to yours.
NTA. To be honest, whilst your friend may well know it's a sensitive topic (how can it not be) she seems to be acting quite insensitively. Honestly that pointed remark may well be a long time coming as she seems to like reminding you that her family is big and yours is small.
NTA. I love your sense of humor!
PS Itās not the size of the family; itās the love shared. My once large family has gotten smaller too, so I know this to be true. Some people donāt have blood relatives. Instead, they share special times with good friends who are their family. I hope you and yours share many wonderful holidays together.
Honestly, I did have a large family when I was small, they died off as I was growing up. Went to a lot of elderly relative's funerals. Of the ones I actually knew, and from what I've heard from cousins about the rest, most of them were pretty awful. A handful were great, and I will miss them all my life, but the rest can just stay buried.
Quantity of family does not equal quality.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a joke that was considered uncomfortable to my friend after she boosted about her large family. I thought my joke was kind of fitting but to her it was morbid.
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NTA - It was a good joke. I would laugh. She seems the AH here. It seems that she's trying to make you feel bad about your small family or boast about her big happy family without considering your feelings about the subject.
Absolutely NTA! I'm in the same boat as you. All my family have passed so I only see my wife's family. Thankfully no one on that side makes those kinds of comments but I am sensitive to it as well. If your "friend" knows about your feelings on the matter and still pokes you about it, I may reconsider that friendship.
NTA
Right on! Serves her right - now might be a good time to counter with "what's morbid and uncomfortable is you constantly trying to rub your living family in my face. You might want to examine why you do that. This is no longer a topic of conversation welcome between us, please stop bringing it up."
But if you do that I would expect for the friendship to end
NTA. Itās a funny joke that didnāt have anything to do with her or her family. Also if seems like sheās continually reminding you that she has a giant family and you donāt, which is insensitive to say the least.
Nope, NTA, and the joke was a least a little bit funny!
She doesn't get to make jokes that essentially rub your nose in it and then turn around and say you can't joke about the same subject. It's YOUR holiday, you can make any damn jokes you please. She created the situation out of her own thoughtlessness and needs to be a lot more sensitive to your feelings.
>'You know when you get married your guest list will be so small compared to mine...but hey at least it will be cheap!'
She is not your friend. If anything I would say she only hangs out with you so she can feel superior to you. While the joke was morbid she had it coming. NTA
NTA, and reevaluate this friendship. Iām not sure why your friend has to constantly remind you of what she has in relation to what youāve lost but itās a bizarre competition and you donāt need her in your life if sheās just going to constantly make you sad.
NTA, tell her that her constantly bringing up your smaller family makes you uncomfortable. How rude of her, she knows what she is doing and it is intentional. Good for you for giving it back to her. She's uncomfortable because you made her realize her privilege and mirrored her energy back to her.
Iām sorry, she really jacked your momās FUNERAL to point out how much bigger her family is than yours?!
NTA but seriously why are you āfriendsā with someone who treats you so poorly? What sheās doing is super messed up. No one is that oblivious. Thereās no way sheās not being an insensitive asshole on purpose. It seems like she gets some kind of satisfaction in making you feel bad. Please drop her.
NTA its your family so you get to make jokes about it. if it makes her uncomfortable its her problem, i would be uncomfertable with her saying how big her family is. take care op and sorry for your loses
Thank you!
Not to mention, she KINDA had it coming after all her comments about your family. To me, it was a clever (and probably more polite š¤£) way to tell her to go fuck herself.
>Not to mention, she ~~KINDA~~ DEFINITELY had it coming after all her comments about your family. To me, it was a clever (and probably more polite š¤£) way to tell her to go fuck herself. FTFY, how bloody insensitive of her, she deserves a damn good verbal smack-down for those comments to someone who has had to deal with so many familial deaths.
Exactly this. My favourite part is āshe repliedā¦I really need to check my attitudeā Wtf? She deliberately throws her family in OPās face every chance she gets, and then whines about *attitude*? If I was OP (which Iām not, cuz Iām an ahole), Iād store all the pics of friendās family gatherings then send them to her when they start passing away. āHey, remember the time when so-and-so was *alive*?ā
NTA, as someone who had their mom die young I LIVE on making people uncomfortable. I got really tired of teachers telling me to have my mom sign this paper or can your mom bring this or ask you mom to chaperone the band trip. Even the few times I got in trouble it was āwhatās your moms number so I can call herā I just started spitting out āwell my moms dead soā instead of shyly saying Iāll ask my dad ect. Had a teacher tell me straight up I was lying and my mom wasnāt dead I pulled up her obituary and he said thatās not your middle name and I told him to look it up. Didnāt even get an apology, not for my mom being dead but for outright calling me a liar in front of the class. I also get so much joy from āyour mom jokesā because when I say my moms dead the look of terror and guilt I see makes me laugh, not that I enjoy that in other situations but I guess Iām just cynical. My fiancĆ© knew my mom before she died (we grew up together) and knows my mom would absolutely love some of the zingers I get when he forgets and makes a your mom joke (ex: we passed by a cemetery and I used the line people were dying to get in there and he said your moms dying to get in there. To which i replied yea she was, hope itās everything she dreamed ofā) my mil HATES the jokes and says itās disrespectful but also has mentioned things saying ādo you think your mom would like[ā¦]ā referring to my step mom, idk I guess Iāve rambled on long enough. NTA op and Iād have booted her to the curb long ago
In addition I had a āfriendā in high school who made fun of me for crying at Marley and me after I had to rehome my dog and we got in a bit of a heated conversation where I said fine Iāll make fun of you for crying when your dogs pass away and she said fine I donāt even like them that much. Several months later she came to me crying at school cuz her dog had to be put down and tbh I didnāt have the heart to throw it in her face but I looked at her debating and she KNEW
Iām sure she appreciated that you made the right choice. You should appreciate that you made the right choice, too.
I appreciate this chance to harmlessly fantasize about distinctly NOT make the right choice. Donāt worry, Iāll know in my heart.
I appreciate your tact and diplomacy. And extra mad props that not only was your comment minimalist yet elegant, you worded it in such a pithy manner. FYI: I've been trying to get some pith going, and I'm really into writing.
i canāt even watch Marley and Me i cry so hardā¦.i had post partum depression bad after my first daughter was born so i really related to Annistonās character and anybody who doesnāt at least tear up is obviously a robot
Thatās because people are uncomfortable about death. My son died seven years ago at the age of 18. Iāve used different versions of the line āwell, someone already got my first born son. What more do you want?ā It ALWAYS shuts them right up and makes them uncomfortable. Win, win in my book.
I'm sorry for your loss. And I approve of your win.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I like the cut of your jib. Peace to you
My mom passed this May, around September a couple of my supervisors were joking around at work making āIāll tell your mom on youā statements to each other. āIāll call your mom!ā- Supervisor āNo, Iāll call your mom!ā - Assistant Manager āIāll talk to your mom!ā - Supervisor āWell, if either of you talk to my mom let me know, she hasnāt spoken to me since May, and Iām beginning to take it personally.ā - Me Cue shocked gasps
I forgot about this gem with my friend recently [screenshot](https://i.imgur.com/FDYgl3i.jpg)
My dad had a stroke towards the end of September, my husband and I drove all the way from Massachusetts to Vermont to see him in the hospital and be there with my brothers. The first thing I said when I saw himā¦ āYou know, if you wanted me to visit more often you should have just called.ā My dad burst out laughing.
A few years ago my mom had a stroke 2 days before Thanksgiving. She was supposed to be hosting that year. Since I live 800 miles away, I called my brother to see what was going on. First thing he said was "If she didn't want to do Thanksgiving at her house she could have just said so. She didn't have to get all dramatic about it." I lost it and laughed so hard. When he told her that recently she laughed about it. Hope your dad is recovering well.
Love it! My dad passed before my 21st birthday, but my mum was still around. I got up to give some form of speech to my friends and family, and realised mum wasn't in the room (I think she'd gone to get the cake) so I opened with, "This is typical, my 21st birthday and neither of my parents are here. To be fair, my dad has a better excuse." 10/10 favourite joke I've ever told.
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As someone with two dead parents, I do this shit all the time. It's extremely satisfying making offhand comments like "Oh, let me go get mom/dad's ashes", especially if they're being disrespectful. Someone once asked me what I was doing for my mother for Mother's Day. I got out "Nothing" before they cut me off to lecture me about how I'm a horrible child and should take her presents and make her dinner. I told them they were right and then asked them what meals they recommended for an urn of ashes. No apology from them, they just walked off as quickly as possible and never spoke to me again. I have a somewhat dark sense of humor anyway so it makes it easy. I agree completely with you though. OP is NTA and took these backhanded comments way too long
Condolences, but also love the what dishes for an urn of ashes.
My mother passed when I was young too. My brother and I will literally trick people we know into making a āyour momājoke, just so we can say āmy moms deadā itās hilarious to us. Also, most everyone knows, so they really shouldnāt be surprised when it happens. Iām glad someone else does it, itās good fun.
I live in a country where everyone is tactless and VERY nosy. When people ask me things like āwhereās your father?ā, I say āDeadā just to watch them squirm. When they reply, āOh, but your mother?ā I know Iāve won when I say āDead tooā.
Not sure if you enjoy or even know about British panel shows (most of my US friends don't lol), but this reminds me of a classic moment. Seems like your type of humor, hope you enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_Yk5me7U7Bk
I have never seen this, THANK YOU! ššš
What's the clip? Clicked the link but the video's gone.
Romesh Ranganathan: [describes a tv show he did with his mum over several weeks] Jimmy Carr: And what did you dad think of it? Romesh: He said, Romesh, I've been dead for three years.
The video's still up for me (maybe it's geoblocked in your country?) but thanks to u/blackcurrantandapple for describing it!
I lost my dad when I was young and it kind of had the same effect. I have a wierd sence of humour and so does my little brother. When we get together we can make everyone uncomfortable, and I have friends with really dark humour... But at the end of the day, that was my close-one and I can say whatever makes me feel good.
I agree, in addition my mom is the one who taught me I make a joke in an uncomfortable situation, and I think I was too young to enjoy some of her dark humor by my dad says she wouldāve enjoyed how I joke around with my brothers
Honouring her memory the best way posaible then.
I love your sense of humour! I wasn't super young when I lost my father (late teens) but it was still young enough for people to be weird about it. I've dealt with a few jerks over the years and have always put them in their place, but my favourite one was when a salesman kept hounding me mere days after my dad died wanting to "talk to the owner of the house" for some shit he was peddling to home owners. Each day I kept telling him to fuck off, it was inappropriate, the owner had just died but he kept coming back thinking I was lying. Finally one day I relented and gave him the number of the place he could find the owner of the house- the fucking morgue where his body was at that time. The salesman didn't come the next day.
> NTA, as someone who had their mom die young I LIVE on making people uncomfortable. This is so totally my jam. When my mom died, I was an adult, but I still quite enjoyed it. When I got back to work after my mom died (I live/work in another country), one of my co-workers that I seldom saw knew that I went away because of my mom, but she didn't know details. So when she sees me, she gives a warm, friendly greeting... and then asks, "So, how's your mom?" I just looked at her and said simply, "Dead." She did not know how to respond.
My mom died suddenly last year. My siblings and I are all in our 30s, so not nearly as young as you were (I'm so sorry), but it's still way too soon. My siblings and I still make "your mom" jokes to eachother and while they're morbid to outsiders, we don't think Mom would mind. It's our own pain, we can laugh the edge off of it if we feel like it.
This is awful and I love it.
That is so petty, I approve!
love this idea as an only who is far far from any family except my son who is an atheist. no one who uses humor against you and can't take a joke can go sit on a stanchion and spin. this should be the year you find friends who deserve that label.
Iām curious, what is a stanchion? Iām being lazy and canāt be arsed looking it up
an upright bar, post, or frame forming a support or barrier. So like an upright bar that you use to mark out queues with the fabric between two of them making the barrier. Like a velvet rope at a swanky club etc
She is not a friend - she deliberately pokes at an incredibly vulnerable/sensitive spot every chance she gets A true friend would be deliberately careful around this topic (and not use every opportunity to throw how big her family is in Ops face) All that aside from her horrible horrible unacceptable comments at the funeral - that would have been the deal breaker for me. She somehow managed to redirect your family members funeral and your time of grief back to herself (about her large family) she is a jerk. Op you are NTA your friend is and you have every right to implement a boundary of no more comments like that if she wants to remain your friend bc they make YOU uncomfortable (hell they are outright cruel and would be painful to me if I was you)
Just verbal? Honestly if sheād made that comment she made at OPās momās funeral to *me,* I may have been inclined to use my grief as an excuse to slap a chromosome or two out of her DNA.
right
No kidding!!
Ttoally agree. She's a crummy friend. Love your comment to her, OP. NTA
I'm willing and ready to dish out a verbal smack-down to this AH "friend" of OP's! This made me so angry.
Honestly the fact she felt the need to mention her big family **during OPs mom's funeral** made me cringe. WTF is wrong with her?
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āLet me comfort you by talking about how big my family is and how fortunate I am that theyāre not dead like your mom is over there.ā Fuck. That would have been the last time I ever talked with that vapid idiot.
I'm not a violent person, and I'm relatively weak, but damn I'd make sure there were two funerals that day.
Take my upvote
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Yup, 100%. The friend has been low-key negging the OP, even at a funeral. OP, this woman is not your friend.
Exactly this.
Yep! She f*cked around, and now she's upset that she found out. Frankly, if I were you OP, I'd start looking around for better friends. NTA
Exactly. If she has such an easy time telling OP to check herself, then next time she makes comparisons between her family and OPās I hope she will be quick to tell her that makes her uncomfortable and she needs to check herself. Hopefully friend picked up on that finally and won't do it anymore.
I would have ditched her after the comment at her moms funeral. That was just cruel
Yeah, not sure I could have gotten over that myselfā¦ š¬
Not kinda
āIām confused. Youāre the one who keeps intentionally bringing up my dead family/lack of living family - you havenāt seemed uncomfortable rubbing my face in it before. But it bothers you if *I* use humor to cope with the way you rubbing it in makes me uncomfortable. Interesting.ā Though thatās nuclear. When I was your age I learnt the hard lesson that not all friends are actually our friends; that some people get off on making their āfriendsā feel bad and see all relationships as power plays they can use to make themselves feel important. I know you havenāt learnt this yet* because you still associate with her after she made that comment *at your mothers funeral* (which is when most of us would have cut it off). Take this as advice from a loving, if stranger, Internet mom. This person isnāt your friend. They donāt have your back. They see you as a pawn they can emotionally manipulate to make themselves feel good and donāt care how you feel at any given moment. You deserve better. * Edited to Add: I just realized this part might read like Iām blaming you for not learning this yet, when what I meant was more āyou havenāt been put in a position that taught you thisā itās actually a really painful and hard lesson and Iām sorry you are having to learn it.
THIS SO MUCH!
Yup. She's 1000% not OP's friend.
I would gladlyyyyy go nuclear for something like this. **GLADLY**
Me too. But OP may or may not be prepared for that. I find friends like this coming into people pleasers (which I totally am/was) and nuclear is a big leap for usā¦ especially when we donāt know weāre worth more yet.
Amen. Took me long enough to get to this point but glad Iām finally here. Itās so freeing to be rid of toxic people and the experience of finally removing the venom those snakes have injected into my life was priceless.
OP even says this "friend" knows they're sensitive about the topic *because she makes these comments.* So it sounds like they know there is malicious intent behind it. I hope your words help them see that sometimes you have to lose people on purpose, and that's not the tragedy that losing people you wish you could keep around is. (OP, your dark joke was hilarious - NTA)
Second this OP, your friend sounds toxic af.
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Just because they spend time with you doesnāt mean they are your friend.
This is the exact truth, I could not agree more! And the beautiful thing is that once OP can recognise this, not another single person will be able to get away with it. Itās a hard lesson to learn, but definitely worth it.
So there's a friend group who does that a lot. Got kicked out of it last week and haven't contacted the problematic ones since.
Is it bad I'm actually laughing at it? I'm sorry for your loss, but this is my kind of humour. When we cremated my grandmother, it was so hot in the funeral home, on of my cousins remarked they were probably preheating her. On Topic: NTA of course, she's been fishing for these comments for quite some time, and now she got it.
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Exactly. A real friend doesn't throw a sore point like bereavement in someone's face, repeatedly and at the most inappropriate times imaginable (like OP's mother's funeral), WT-literal-F?). If she needs to feel superior to you because she hasn't been hit by bereavement yet, she is the one who needs to review her attitude, not OP. OP, stick with people who don't throw your losses in your face every chance they get.
How pathetic is OP's friend to use something like this for clout, even at a funeral?
When her mom dies, she's going to run straight to OP for support. I hope OP is clear of her before that happens.
Preheating... I probably shouldn't have laughed but I did *going to the timeout step to think about my behavior*
Iāll meet you thereā¦
Good thing all of us do very well on that kind of humour.
Hahaha, it sounds like my family would get along with your family really well. When my grandmother was dying, we were all taking turns keeping her company. She loved her hair, and someone from the home she was in gave her a "haircut" a couple of days before that was actually a buzzcut. My cousin leaned in and whispered "Nan, do me a favour. Come back when you can and haunt whoever took the clippers to your head". We thought she was probably unconscious at that point, but her lips turned up in a smile. The next day, my aunt kept her very last promise to my nan. She bought a wig that most closely resembled her real hair and brought it to the funeral director.
āAnd a very happy Thanksgiving at Bernieās to you and yours!ā
Just jumping in here to say: I really don't think she is your friend... I get that there is probably alot of backstory between the two of you and what not... But she literally "one-ups" you every chance she gets (by the sounds of it) because her family isn't dead?! If anything is morbid, that's it. No friend should or would behave like this (English isn't my mother tongue but I hope you get my point)
She's been making fun of you for your loved ones being dead for ***years***. 1. She had it coming and 2. Why do you still associate with this person?
Op this is not a friend friends don't anything close to that at a funeral to another friend she is literally gloating about her Big family to you because she knows you have a small one
NTA-I laughed but I have a real twisted sense of humor
NTA. Are you sure sheās your friend??? Sounds like sheās a passive aggressive person that makes herself feel better by putting you down. Ditch her.
I think your joke was actually hilarious. I made an inappropriate joke while giving birth to my dead child and while the midwife was horrified, my partner laughed because thatās how some of us get through pain. Lots of love to you, I buried my dad only recently. Grief is a lifelong friend. Take care of yourself.
I went to visit my stepdad I. the hospital. we were discussing pulling his life support. I said "yank it like you're starting a lawnmower" ala Seinfeld. no one appreciated it.
She doesnt seem like a good friend AT ALL. I would stop talking to her- why is she talking about your lack of family a*t a funeral??* If you don't stop talking to her and she makes another remark about how she has so many living family members, I would just make a remark that she may have more living family members but that means she has more family members that are going to die
I couldnāt imagine any of my friends making any comments like that to me, if they did I wouldnāt consider them a friend Anyway op, you most likely have quality over quantity so maybe she is jealous of you? Just a thought! Anyway enjoy your holiday with people who care about you rather than pretend friends trying to score points NTA
Just tell her that it also makes you uncomfortable how she always mentions your dead family and shows off how big hers is. Though she would probably gaslight you and say that she didnāt mean no wrong and you are just jealous.
Sounds like she secretly is jealous of you or dislikes you.
Honestly, I would be asking her why she finds your dead family so amusing, then, that she feels it's acceptable to make jokes about them and mock you over them.
NTA OP - your friend is really mean to you. Maybe she's just clueless and insensitve but it sounds like this is an ongoing theme with her I would've cut her out of my life after what she said at your mom's funeral. That was seriously beyond the pale. I mean, we had a few people who said stupid things at my mom's funeral (and I still remember verbatim 35 years later) - but they were good friends of my mom and my family and they really were speaking out of sadness and pain. Your friend shows this as a pattern.
Yup! Sheās the arsehole. How dare she basically rub it in your face that her family is bigger (not that it even matters!) completely disregarding the tragedies youāve faced. Bad friend. Extremely self centred.
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I think she's deep down very insecure and sees friends more as competitors. She has even tried to compare our cats' weights so she could say she's a better owner.
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This was my first question. Why be friends with someone who makes you feel that way? Whatās the point?
I love this question because it puts things into perspective perfectly. Iāve ended a couple friendships because they didnāt benefit me at all. If anything they just brought stress and unwanted drama. A great question to ask!
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Truly! Good thing she has all that family, cause pretty soon, sheāll have no friends.
Cut her loose. She sounds like she brings nothing to the table
Apparently she brings her big ass family to the table.
I was about to say that š¤£
Maybe that's why she needs a big family if her family contribute as much as her.. they need quantity instead of quality. Think OP doesn't need this kind of friend.
There's a saying about making sure the people in your boat are rowing along with you and not drilling holes. She's drilling holes OP. Any friendship that brings you down instead of helping lift you up is not worth keeping.
I wish I had an award to give you! This comment is gold!
Why are you friends with her again?
Please explain how this "friend" enriches your life in any way. She sounds awful.
Girl, she is not your friend and you should cut your losses at this point, seems like that girl doesn't even like you, she just likes competing with you.
Oh for certain. Whoever has the fattest squishiest furball wins. I also play this game with friends (spoiler alert, everyone wins). In all seriousness though I would reconsider this friendship
Muffin wins because he's plum and soft and squishy. Shadow wins because he's fit and athletic and hunts mouse toys like no other. Cashew wins because she's a bit of both uwu I win because I get to play with all my friends' cats.
:runs out to get a cat just so I can have a cat named cashew!:
[All cats are best cats](https://pin.it/2lJUDO3)
Thank you for providing the science
I've had friends like that. Ex-friends. Because they aren't good friends or really worth keeping that toxicity in your life.
She's simply not a friend. You posted pics of your family, then she went to the trouble of texting you to say hurtful things with pictures, then told you to lose your attitude when you had a problem with it.... She's going out of her way to be this way. Don't invite her into your life anymore.
And she texted instead of commented because she knows she's being shady.
Tell her, āHaving more family members than me that are still alive is not an accomplishment on your part.ā if she acts like an AH again, maybe sheāll finally get the hint you have no interest in playing her āgameā.
Sheās probably extremely unhappy with her family/family dynamics or something else. Seeing you be close to your siblings is probably a jab in the gut for her or something so instead of being happy for you she tries to bring you down to her level
Itās so strange that sheās so very competitive, even about completely trivial and inconsequential things. OP, I have to say that you made a really good joke. Hers donāt seem very funny in comparison!
You need to be rid of this girl and FAST. People like this are toxic AF
dude who says that to enemy at their parents funeral let alone a friend
Yeah it was a funny joke and I would have laughed it off as morbid humor under most circumstances. Friend's reaction says it all, she knew what she was doing.
NTA You could reply "that you are surprised she is uncomfortable with your morbid joke because since she keeps bringing up and going on about how small your family is knowing full well that the reason for that is they are all DEAD. If it is OK for her to keep referencing your deceased relatives and her live ones then surely it's OK for you to have a sense of humour about it." Follow up with "Actually, I am glad this has come up because in fact it upsets me when you keep pointing out how small my family is, because they ARE all dead and the black humour this time was a coping mechanism. How about you stop going on about it then I won't need to make dark jokes as a defence."
I think this is a great way to respond because it explains exactly what you did and why, and highlights her hypocrisy as well as establishing clear boundaries going forward.
Exactly this!
I think people don't realise that this type of morbid humour is a way to grieve and get through the day. It's exhausting being sad, it feels like a literal weight and you can't carry it all the time. Morbid jokes and black humour is how to keep going. I can make dead mom jokes with my very close friends and others who've lost someone close because they get it. When someone hasn't lost someone, let alone someone close to them, they don't understand that it's always there. You navigate through the day going "that was their favourite song," "I guess I'll never be able to get an answer for that," "I really wish they were here because they would find this hilarious." All those inside jokes that will now never get used again because no one will understand them. All the advice, the memories that were only between two people. Those stories that the parents used to tell about you? Gone. Heck, you have lost a whole chunk of your life because the person who would remember, the only person, is now gone. NTA. If she can make jokes but not you, about your dead family, she's an asshole that doesn't deserve the time of day. If she can't help with the grief, and can't deal with the person you've become because parts of you are forgotten or lost, then she shouldn't be there.
I feel like I was supposed to read this. I hate that I lost my dad 10 years ago. Like I was 16, I still needed him, but Iāve been forced to figure things out. While I still feel like I have taken a HUGE step back in life because of it, the pain really is always there. And sadly I feel like Iām losing memory of him. I think that pains me more than most things
I've lost a number of people too early, and your 3rd and 4th paragraphs are so exactly right. Thank you.
Claimed my free award specifically for this comment because itās spot on
Same here. Anything we can do to be sure OP sees this
Long replies to these sort of things shows your reaching. My response would be " everytime you being up your full family that's what it reminds me of."
NTA As someone who has very little living family left, I may have to borrow your joke. Inadvertent or not, it is hilarious. Your friend is a tad bit out of touch with your feelings, and I have a feeling that it's not by accident. She's boasting in a passive manner and I would definitely call her on it. Don't allow her to pin her inconsiderate behavior on you. If she was uncomfortable with the joke then good. Now she knows what you feel like when she's cracking her big family "jokes," and claiming that it comes from a place of innocence.
Such a weird brag, too. "I have more living family than you do!" What does that say about her? Nothing at all. Ok, maybe it says she's not mass-murdering her family. Yet.
YET.
I was thinking that too! Like what's so amazing about having a big family? Usually there's pros and cons to any size family.
It's all about upstaging for her. When she gets tired of her BIG family, she'll clock them to make her family smaller than OP's. "See, my family is smaller than yours. I deserve more pity than you. Once again, feel my superiority!"
There's no way a joke that mild made her uncomfortable. She's upset you called her out for her poor attitude and is trying to make you the bad guy. NTA
I think your comment was fucking brilliant and consider you are a bit of a legend. Your way is so much more effective than trying to catch her at being thoughtless or suggest she is being passive aggressive! How sad for her that her only onemanship opportunity is ānot dead over hereā. NTA
Info: Have you asked her not to say things like that before? Because someone who does not understand severe, lossful grief does not automatically realize being sensitive to something means never to mention it. It seems like common sense, but apparently itās not
I've had many, many discussions on how she lacks awareness when discussing sensitive topics, not just the family thing, but other things in general. This isn't the only topic she tries to one up me on. They don't make a difference.
And you are still friends with her... why?
Maybe OP doesn't have many friends either and will try and keep the few she has. The problem is that OP is clinging to the wrong "friend". That's not a friend, that person is using OP to feel superior or to cope with her own issues without considering OPs feelings.
This sums it up. I've been friends with her for a while. With witnessing somethings I did as a kid I became a shut in for a while. Real shy. Real anxious. Maybe that's why this friend gravitated towards me, knew I was a doormat. But I've been in therapy and working on my confidence and assertiveness. I've met some great new people and distance myself from her.
āFriendsā who are one- uppers are tiresome. Stick with the new great people and cut her loose. As many people have said, sheās not really your friend
You should take this as an opportunity to move on from her. She will harm your progress rather than help.
Oh yes. I had a "friend" who turned my husband's passing into comedy fuel at a party where I knew no one. I have a sick dark sense of humour but I save it for people I know or at least have met before so they know I'm not a sociopath. Anyway. She thrived on cutting me down because she was jealous I was healing from my trauma and she wasn't. She landed me back in therapy, on antidepressants (which I'd never been on) and on Gov mandated mental health pension for a year! And she blamed me and said it was all my fault and how dare I upset her. Since I've cleaned house of her and everything she gifted me, I've: enrolled in school, become an animal foster, stopped drinking to an unhealthy level (down to oe a week!), come off the antidepressants, sort treatment for unrelated anxiety and OCD and become a volunteer in my local community. She still whinges and calls my friends (who she met through me) to tell them I've been self harming (she caused my trichotillomania to flare up which has since stopped) and it's all my fault.
I'm really glad you're on a healthier trajectory. I want to say though that you still weren't to blame for being shy and anxious and having someone else target you. Forgive yourself for not always knowing your power. She is to blame for how she's been treating you.
You must have a lot of good qualities if she keeps throwing her abundant family in your face. She is clearly very insecure and envious and that is the one thing she has over you. Sometimes you need to cut bad friends loose to make room for new, worthy friends. No matter what you're going through, never let anyone step on you. On the subject of family, I've experienced both big and small family. I've noticed big family mostly show up to family events because of tradition, obligation, and convenience. I myself like genuine relationships and prefer a smaller family/circle of friends. At the end of the day it's not about how big your family is, but how big they make you feel when you're around them. Take care.
I think it's safe to say, you have our collective permission to block her.
Does she have some sort of diagnosis or something? Iām serious, some biological inability to understand human emotions. My eyebrows literally disappeared into my hairline when I read the comment about the wedding party. What kind of person could be *stupid* enough to say something like that and not realise they are literally pointing out that you have almost no family and so many of your closest relatives died before they could be at your wedding š„. If she has been told how hurtful she is being and she doesnāt care enough to check herself before she speaks then sheās not a friend. She shouldnāt be trying to one up you on anything, let alone who has the least deaths in their family!!! Who does that???? She doesnāt have any respect for you or love for you if she keeps hurting you like this. Iām glad you have a lovely small close family with your siblings, you need to give yourself some self respect and self love and ditch her. NTA ā¤ļø
I, along with some of her other friends, have always wondered if she had a social disorder because they've experienced her lack of self - awareness as well. From what we're aware she isn't diagnosed with anything. Her family is similar - no censorship or control - so it maybe just a learned thing. And thank you friend!
Or maybe sheās just incredibly cruel and is playing it off as ājokingā.
That's not lack of a filter, that's just being an asshole. She is doing this shit on purpose. Seems it runs in her family.
Understood. You were never the asshole, to be clear, but this response makes it a firm NTA instead of n a h. Sorry for your loss and thoughtless friend
I think her reaction to your joke proves that sheās not as unaware as she lets on. If she likes to one up you so often, maybe you should reconsider holding onto this friendship.
She's aware. This is intentional. She's just cruel, so move on.
NTA. She's made rude remarks about your family in the past, she shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it. What you said was funny anyway, I'd laugh if someone said that to me.
NTA that's hilarious it is super passive aggressive though. Maybe explain it was meant as a joke but also, her comments comparing her family to yours make you uncomfortable (if it does). If her comments dont make you uncomfortable but this has annoyed you maybe tell her if she doesnt like your sense of humour about death then you would appreciate it if she stopped comparing her family to yours.
NTA. To be honest, whilst your friend may well know it's a sensitive topic (how can it not be) she seems to be acting quite insensitively. Honestly that pointed remark may well be a long time coming as she seems to like reminding you that her family is big and yours is small.
NTA. She shouldnāt have commented having a big table of family when she knows your situation. Girl made her bed.
NTA. I love your sense of humor! PS Itās not the size of the family; itās the love shared. My once large family has gotten smaller too, so I know this to be true. Some people donāt have blood relatives. Instead, they share special times with good friends who are their family. I hope you and yours share many wonderful holidays together.
Honestly, I did have a large family when I was small, they died off as I was growing up. Went to a lot of elderly relative's funerals. Of the ones I actually knew, and from what I've heard from cousins about the rest, most of them were pretty awful. A handful were great, and I will miss them all my life, but the rest can just stay buried. Quantity of family does not equal quality.
Your friend is an AH. Why are you friends with her? I hate people who joke but can't take one.
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NTA - It was a good joke. I would laugh. She seems the AH here. It seems that she's trying to make you feel bad about your small family or boast about her big happy family without considering your feelings about the subject.
Absolutely NTA! I'm in the same boat as you. All my family have passed so I only see my wife's family. Thankfully no one on that side makes those kinds of comments but I am sensitive to it as well. If your "friend" knows about your feelings on the matter and still pokes you about it, I may reconsider that friendship.
NTA. your 'friend' is just an insensitive AH.
That's not even enough, she is just a disgusting human being.
NTA Right on! Serves her right - now might be a good time to counter with "what's morbid and uncomfortable is you constantly trying to rub your living family in my face. You might want to examine why you do that. This is no longer a topic of conversation welcome between us, please stop bringing it up." But if you do that I would expect for the friendship to end
NTA. Itās a funny joke that didnāt have anything to do with her or her family. Also if seems like sheās continually reminding you that she has a giant family and you donāt, which is insensitive to say the least.
Nope, NTA, and the joke was a least a little bit funny! She doesn't get to make jokes that essentially rub your nose in it and then turn around and say you can't joke about the same subject. It's YOUR holiday, you can make any damn jokes you please. She created the situation out of her own thoughtlessness and needs to be a lot more sensitive to your feelings.
>'You know when you get married your guest list will be so small compared to mine...but hey at least it will be cheap!' She is not your friend. If anything I would say she only hangs out with you so she can feel superior to you. While the joke was morbid she had it coming. NTA
NTA, and reevaluate this friendship. Iām not sure why your friend has to constantly remind you of what she has in relation to what youāve lost but itās a bizarre competition and you donāt need her in your life if sheās just going to constantly make you sad.
NTA, tell her that her constantly bringing up your smaller family makes you uncomfortable. How rude of her, she knows what she is doing and it is intentional. Good for you for giving it back to her. She's uncomfortable because you made her realize her privilege and mirrored her energy back to her.
Iām sorry, she really jacked your momās FUNERAL to point out how much bigger her family is than yours?! NTA but seriously why are you āfriendsā with someone who treats you so poorly? What sheās doing is super messed up. No one is that oblivious. Thereās no way sheās not being an insensitive asshole on purpose. It seems like she gets some kind of satisfaction in making you feel bad. Please drop her.
Why are you still friends with this ass hole?
NTA it was a good joke and sometimes you just have to let them out and let the feelings fall where they may.
NTA she's not a friend.
Nope not an asshole. Triggered maybe but who wouldnāt be? Your āfriendā sounds pretty insensitive.
NTA - Excellent comeback! She was TA for being so insensitive about your family losses.
NTA. I am absolutely stealing that line.
NTA. If she can joke about youāre family size, why canāt you? Plus, thatās a funny joke
NTA Your friend is tone deaf and insensitive. Iām sorry you have lost so much family.