> I guess I’m scared to not give him what he wants because of how horrifying it was the last time I stayed firm in ending it.
THIS IS NOT OK.
You need to get mean with him. Inform him that you will be blocking him on all platforms and that the next time he shows up uninvited you will pursue a restraining order.
You can always just ghost someone.
In this case, don't just ghost him. Involve law enforcement. This is high key Fatal Attraction. Legit there's some BPD traits in here and that can spiral if the guy isn't getting help. Run far from this guy, as quick as you can. Nothing wrong with someone having BPD, but if it runs unchecked (I've been on the receiving end of it a few times) it just *spirals*. You think what you've seen so far is bad - it can get worse, regardless of what might be up with him.
Thank you. After I read these replies, including yours, he called me and I gave it to him straight. He yelled but we’ve now cut contact which is what matters.
Also, never seen Fatal Attraction but I’m streaming it now because I read this. My jaw dropped because Glenn Close’s character literally has the same name as the guy who this post is about.
Side note: 45 minutes in, I kinda feel bad for Glenn Close’s character (but then again feeling bad is exactly what got me caught up in this mess)
Good for you.
Having been in your shoes before, I do want to give a word of warning - you’ve already been through it once, but do be prepared for it to escalate again, *especially * when you hold your boundaries. Just based on what you’ve described, it’s likely that when he sees you actually mean it this time, he will escalate his behavior. I went through that cycle twice. The second time ended up with me throwing my ex out of a moving vehicle (not like on the freeway but I pulled out of traffic on the main road by his house, opened the car door, and basically had to force him out of my car into the sidewalk physically because he was getting so unhinged it was dangerous). While it’s perhaps neither here nor there, when someone struggles with BPD or things similar, once it becomes apparent that someone is actually withdrawing from them, it ratchets up their anxiety and terror to the nth degree, and so they start to act out even more. Crying on the phone, threatening self-harm, things like that. I think you would be doing yourself a favor if you prepare for that eventuality. Because he’s been able to suck you back in every time before - “all his old tricks” have kept working - when it becomes apparent that you are actually leaving, all that pain he has is going to explode and so he’ll start resorting to “new tricks.” You should probably be prepared to involve law enforcement, too. What the movie doesn’t at all address is what is actually like to be in a real interpersonal relationship with a person like that. She just does at the end, problem solved. It’s way murkier than that in real life because people like this just rarely die off, obv. It’s pretty common for situations like this to escalate to needing law enforcement intervention, sadly. I don’t want to be alarmist, but having dealt with this before, I kind of wish someone had warned me. Thankfully I didn’t have to get to that point with my ex, but it was very bad. Also be prepared for things like him bad mouthing you to people and other stuff like that too. What you described is just so perfectly on the nose for someone with untreated and unmanaged BPD, I felt like I had to say something.
And ultimately, there is tragedy there, like Glenn Close’s character. We empathize because we can see how horrifically it goes when that level of obsessional love can take over a person, and that is a real thing that happens to real people and it’s gut wrenching to watch. I remember with my ex, towards the end, after we’d have a fight or conflict, when he flipped back on me from hating me to loving me, I could see it in his eyes. It was horrible. It wasn’t the face of someone hating or loving me - it was the face of an addict being denied his fix, then getting a hit. I could not stay with him after seeing that, that my love and affection for someone hit them like a literal drug. Maybe you know what that’s like
That’s just heartbreaking. I’m not prepared for any of that, but I’ll do my best. I wish I didn’t empathize with him and even empathize with your ex in these cases - it’d be easier to stay firm if I saw it in black and white.
Thanks for the heads up.
Yeah, he sounds creepy. Tell him you’re not interested, then cut contact. If he stalks you get in touch with the police. Stop with the mixed signals. No wonder it doesn’t take if you’re hopping back into bed with him.
Good luck.
Thank you. I cut contact this afternoon. You’re right about the last part. I hate myself for it and I’m taking measures to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t hate yourself. Manipulative people are good at getting what they want. Just have some self love and don’t subject yourself to the situation any more.
Whilst in some situations ghosting is questionable, this is not one of them. You ended the relationship, closing contact afterwards is not ghosting its just a logical step in many cases
Man up and be direct and forceful in your break up declaration. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation. Don't let him pull you into that. It's not a negotiation!
And for fuks sake, quit it with the wavering alcohol induced meetings!
> I guess I’m scared to not give him what he wants because of how horrifying it was the last time I stayed firm in ending it. THIS IS NOT OK. You need to get mean with him. Inform him that you will be blocking him on all platforms and that the next time he shows up uninvited you will pursue a restraining order.
Thank you. Your reply helped me do exactly that (get mean) which typically goes against my nature, but was needed for the sake of boundary setting.
You can always just ghost someone. In this case, don't just ghost him. Involve law enforcement. This is high key Fatal Attraction. Legit there's some BPD traits in here and that can spiral if the guy isn't getting help. Run far from this guy, as quick as you can. Nothing wrong with someone having BPD, but if it runs unchecked (I've been on the receiving end of it a few times) it just *spirals*. You think what you've seen so far is bad - it can get worse, regardless of what might be up with him.
I agree and ghosting can make things worse when dealing with a borderline.
Thank you. After I read these replies, including yours, he called me and I gave it to him straight. He yelled but we’ve now cut contact which is what matters. Also, never seen Fatal Attraction but I’m streaming it now because I read this. My jaw dropped because Glenn Close’s character literally has the same name as the guy who this post is about. Side note: 45 minutes in, I kinda feel bad for Glenn Close’s character (but then again feeling bad is exactly what got me caught up in this mess)
Good for you. Having been in your shoes before, I do want to give a word of warning - you’ve already been through it once, but do be prepared for it to escalate again, *especially * when you hold your boundaries. Just based on what you’ve described, it’s likely that when he sees you actually mean it this time, he will escalate his behavior. I went through that cycle twice. The second time ended up with me throwing my ex out of a moving vehicle (not like on the freeway but I pulled out of traffic on the main road by his house, opened the car door, and basically had to force him out of my car into the sidewalk physically because he was getting so unhinged it was dangerous). While it’s perhaps neither here nor there, when someone struggles with BPD or things similar, once it becomes apparent that someone is actually withdrawing from them, it ratchets up their anxiety and terror to the nth degree, and so they start to act out even more. Crying on the phone, threatening self-harm, things like that. I think you would be doing yourself a favor if you prepare for that eventuality. Because he’s been able to suck you back in every time before - “all his old tricks” have kept working - when it becomes apparent that you are actually leaving, all that pain he has is going to explode and so he’ll start resorting to “new tricks.” You should probably be prepared to involve law enforcement, too. What the movie doesn’t at all address is what is actually like to be in a real interpersonal relationship with a person like that. She just does at the end, problem solved. It’s way murkier than that in real life because people like this just rarely die off, obv. It’s pretty common for situations like this to escalate to needing law enforcement intervention, sadly. I don’t want to be alarmist, but having dealt with this before, I kind of wish someone had warned me. Thankfully I didn’t have to get to that point with my ex, but it was very bad. Also be prepared for things like him bad mouthing you to people and other stuff like that too. What you described is just so perfectly on the nose for someone with untreated and unmanaged BPD, I felt like I had to say something. And ultimately, there is tragedy there, like Glenn Close’s character. We empathize because we can see how horrifically it goes when that level of obsessional love can take over a person, and that is a real thing that happens to real people and it’s gut wrenching to watch. I remember with my ex, towards the end, after we’d have a fight or conflict, when he flipped back on me from hating me to loving me, I could see it in his eyes. It was horrible. It wasn’t the face of someone hating or loving me - it was the face of an addict being denied his fix, then getting a hit. I could not stay with him after seeing that, that my love and affection for someone hit them like a literal drug. Maybe you know what that’s like
That’s just heartbreaking. I’m not prepared for any of that, but I’ll do my best. I wish I didn’t empathize with him and even empathize with your ex in these cases - it’d be easier to stay firm if I saw it in black and white. Thanks for the heads up.
You're not ghosting him if you broke up and he doesn't accept it lol
Restraining order via the police/courts.
Yeah, he sounds creepy. Tell him you’re not interested, then cut contact. If he stalks you get in touch with the police. Stop with the mixed signals. No wonder it doesn’t take if you’re hopping back into bed with him. Good luck.
Thank you. I cut contact this afternoon. You’re right about the last part. I hate myself for it and I’m taking measures to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t hate yourself. Manipulative people are good at getting what they want. Just have some self love and don’t subject yourself to the situation any more.
Whilst in some situations ghosting is questionable, this is not one of them. You ended the relationship, closing contact afterwards is not ghosting its just a logical step in many cases
Man up and be direct and forceful in your break up declaration. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out conversation. Don't let him pull you into that. It's not a negotiation! And for fuks sake, quit it with the wavering alcohol induced meetings!