Also why did you ask him to this event if "you're not that interested." Before being honest with him, OP can you start getting a little more honest with yourself? What are you doing with this guy?
I’m not that interested yet, we went on one date (without quotation marks) and I did enjoy his company but I’m not sure I want to take that route with him.
What makes you say I’m dishonest with myself?
It’s not mixed signals it’s giving an opportunity to see if I’m interested and want to take this further ie have sex and properly date. Are we really supposed to know if we want to move forward with someone from the first date? From like 4h that we spent with them? The other day I hired a programmer, I spent more time with them than with my date to hire them! And that wasn’t even romantic!
Yes it’s true, his looks didn’t excite me but we had a great time. We laughed and have similar interests, plus I enjoyed kissing him, that I did. I kind of just want to spend more time with him see if his personality, which I like, will be what will attract me to him. As of right now, I’m not fussed to never see him again, but I don’t want to just reject him because he’s not what I normally find sexy - given how we had a great time and a lot in common. I thought I was being a good person by not fucking him when I’m not sure I want to move to something more, but apparently I’m not, apparently I’m toying with him. And the guys who fuck and go and never call are what? The good guys?
How am I leading him on romantically? It’s literally the second time I’ll see him, like has a commitment been made? Do I even know if I match with him to be in a relationship?
It’s nothing to me to fuck a guy I’m not that into physical, trust me when I say I’ve fucked worse looking guys than him and I could really use the sex. Given how his looks aren’t that attractive to me I want to see if his personality will be what I’ll find sexy. Smart and a good personality is very sexy to me, more sexy than an instagram body. Therefore, to avoid playing with him, I want to try and spend more time with him before we fuck. So he doesn’t feel I’m playing with him and fucked him. I don’t understand many of you and your idea of committing to someone and knowing exactly what you want from them in the first four hours of meeting them.
We’re not going as friends, I’ll still flirt with him, I’ll still do my moves but when he comes back to my house I don’t want to fuck him necessarily. If during the night I change my mind and see him with a different eye then yes. But if he’s coming to this event expecting dick then come on man that’s on him, if he wants dick he can get it in Grindr
It’s scary how some of you see things and what expectations you have after a single date. You feel mistreated and that people were unfair to you after a date or two. Like there’s no further consideration after a single date everything must be decided and figured out in the first date. People who expect sex after a drink or a walk at a forest scare me to be honest. I’m at an age looking for something serious, I’m tired of fucking randomers
They only met a week ago. This is called the “getting to know you” phase of dating. It’s pretty normal to not know how you feel about someone after only one date.
Set expectations before you head out. Maybe just drop him a line about not wanting to go there on the first date and hope he understands. Etc. It's your right not to do anything you don't want to and he should respect that (if he's a decent person. If he's not, bullet dodged!).
Just be clear about your plans for the night beforehand. Something like: "hey let's aim to leave by around 10 (or whatever time). I'll drive you back to pick up your car and then go straight to sleep. I have an early morning tomorrow so can't really hang out afterwards."
You’re overthinking this.
Even if you were open to having sex with him, that’s a decision you can make at anytime on the date.
He might expect sex, he might not. He might expect McDonald’s on the way home, he might not. Who knows what he expects?
If the topic of sex comes up during the date you can tell him then. If it doesn’t, just wish him good night when you get back to your place.
You communicate it clearly
There is no presumption or automatic mandate sex has to happen at the end of the evening.
Come on lad, it ain't as complicated as you are making it out. Avoid the mental gymnastics in your head.
Blunt question for you to reflect on
If you are u able to communicate clearly man to man on a simple situation, do you think a deeper relationship, connection or intimacy will be challenging
Dating in Los Angeles confuses me, I’m not from here I’m from Greece and I think here, even by reading some of the replies on this thread, dating is synonymous to fucking. And I don’t want to fuck every guy I meet on bumble (it’s relationship orientated) but I feel everyone in LA just wants to fuck.
If you don't want to "date" this guy, then why are you stringing him along by inviting him to an event where has to drive 30 minutes to your place, leave his car, and then travel with you the rest of the way?
Unless you've made it clear that you see him in a platonic light, which it sounds like you haven't, considering that you're worried he'll want to sleep with you, it sounds like you're toying with his emotions and sending mixed signals.
My recommendation: When he shows up at your house, come out waving a giant red flag and a t-shirt that says "RUN."
We’ve only been out on a date, are we nowadays supposed to know what we want from the other person within the first five minutes of meeting them? And is meeting people from online apps synonym to fucking? It’s only second date and I don’t want to have sex, simple as that. Am I obligated to fuck him because he accepted to come with me to an event that he too seemed to like? It’s Los Angeles, to go anywhere you need half an hour it’s not like we live in a village. Is dating nonexistent nowadays, is it just Sex On and Sex Off? Bumble is for relationships i state in the app I’m looking for something serious. I’m going on 3 dates like this every week am I supposed to fuck them all?
Holy overreaction, Batman.
No, you don't have to fuck him. Jeez.
If the subject comes up, just tell him that you're not looking for anything physical. It's that simple.
All I meant was, you seem pretty lukewarm about this guy. Yet you invited him out for date #2 to an event that involves him coming over to your place and then riding together to the venue, which seems a bit like leading him on if you have no desire to be physical with him.
No.
OP sounds pretty sure that he's "not that interested" in this guy. So, why is OP asking him out on date #2? That's leading someone on. To me, that's manipulative and kind of cruel.
Also, do you not think it's a little narcissistic of OP to just assume that this guy is scheming to fuck him after date #2? OP is making a HUGE assumption about what this guy wants.
Those are the red flags to me.
He’s obviously not completely disinterested or there wouldn’t be a date #2.
I’m genuinely baffled by your bizarre interpretation of perfectly normal dating pattens.
Sometimes there’s an instant spark, sometimes there isn’t and you keep going on more dates to see if anything sparks as you get to know each other better. That’s the entire point of dating.
Yep.
First impressions count
But allowing a person to show themselves in layers to me seems a healthy way to do things.
Plenty of people I ain't keen to fuck within a few minutes yet as men we could make something happen together long term with shared values and a shared mindset
No wonder this sub is full of men complaining they can't find someone. If they don't fuck them the first night rheu are chucked
OK - not even what I was getting at. At all.
Let's try this again: The OP indicated that he wasn't all that into the guy. Yet OP invites him out for another date, and then gets on Reddit and spews his anxiety that the guy "might try to fuck him after the date."
That's completely narcissistic. He's asking someone out who he's lukewarm about, and then just assumes the guy is DYING to fuck him? Come on.
>That's completely narcissistic.
It's really not.
Guy is coming some distance to drive with OP to another venue. It may end late. Guy may be thinking this is going to end with him sleeping over, and it's really not a stretch to imagine then that shenanigans might be on the cards.
>He's asking someone out who he's lukewarm about, and then just assumes the guy is DYING to fuck him? Come on.
If someone asked you out for a second date, would you assume that they weren't into you?
It just sounds like OP wants to avoid any awkwardness.
I don’t see any narcissism. I see someone who isn’t entirely sure how to navigate the dating expectations of other people.
You’ve added a great deal of spice to a fairly bland question about communication.
Is going on a date a presumption of sex, and if it ain't on the cards rhat night you should tell em so they can cancel and avoid all the conversation or time-wasting??
Yes. It’s better to be clear about it.
If I go on a date with someone and sex doesn’t happen the first time around when it’s possible they’re 100% getting dropped.
Additionally. You should never accept a date from someone that you’re not sexually attracted to.
It’s not mandatory. But for many many people it must be at least a possibility. Some guys are okay with no sex on the table. But it’s important to state if you’re not comfortable with it so that time isn’t wasted by either.
This seems a warped perception
I tend to feel no one owes me sex right off the bat
If it's never likely then that's one thing
But if its not the first few times we meet then I rdind that reasonably healthy
He ain't saying never
He's is saying not tonight
If someone agrees to go out for the evening with a Lad or lass and at the end of the evening feels cheated out of sex, or they have been deceived. Says more about the person who is disappointed than it says about the person who says not tonight
Personally, I prefer healthy male direct conversation and accountability
Ghosting is for juvenile immature kids. at least it let's you know they are not ready for adult conversations or relationships and you are well rid of em
I've never used bumble so I'm not sure of it's reputation. If it were Grindr, I'd be pissed to go that far and not have sex, unless you had a profile that specifically said "looking for something serious, will not hop into bed with you right away even if I want to" or something along those lines...
The very reputation of Grindr, at least in the parts of the US I've been in, is one of hook up sex unless a profile very clearly states the opposite.
I’d set those boundaries before the date starts so he doesn’t think it’s because of something he did on the date.
Exactly. He won't be a mind reader. Though, I'd be open to possibilities, so don't set rigid guidelines if you actually are attracted to him, OP.
Why is date in quotes?
Also why did you ask him to this event if "you're not that interested." Before being honest with him, OP can you start getting a little more honest with yourself? What are you doing with this guy?
I’m not that interested yet, we went on one date (without quotation marks) and I did enjoy his company but I’m not sure I want to take that route with him. What makes you say I’m dishonest with myself?
Because it’s not a date with the traditional meaning
You invited him to go to an event but you’re not that interested? This is called mixed signals.
For real. No one likes their emotions played with.
Some of you are like, “second date? That’s marriage! You are one now! Otherwise it’s mixed signals and you’re toying with them! “
It’s not mixed signals it’s giving an opportunity to see if I’m interested and want to take this further ie have sex and properly date. Are we really supposed to know if we want to move forward with someone from the first date? From like 4h that we spent with them? The other day I hired a programmer, I spent more time with them than with my date to hire them! And that wasn’t even romantic!
You already know you aren’t interested. Your original post says “I don’t want to have sex with him, I’m not that interested”
Yes it’s true, his looks didn’t excite me but we had a great time. We laughed and have similar interests, plus I enjoyed kissing him, that I did. I kind of just want to spend more time with him see if his personality, which I like, will be what will attract me to him. As of right now, I’m not fussed to never see him again, but I don’t want to just reject him because he’s not what I normally find sexy - given how we had a great time and a lot in common. I thought I was being a good person by not fucking him when I’m not sure I want to move to something more, but apparently I’m not, apparently I’m toying with him. And the guys who fuck and go and never call are what? The good guys?
[удалено]
How am I leading him on romantically? It’s literally the second time I’ll see him, like has a commitment been made? Do I even know if I match with him to be in a relationship?
[удалено]
It’s nothing to me to fuck a guy I’m not that into physical, trust me when I say I’ve fucked worse looking guys than him and I could really use the sex. Given how his looks aren’t that attractive to me I want to see if his personality will be what I’ll find sexy. Smart and a good personality is very sexy to me, more sexy than an instagram body. Therefore, to avoid playing with him, I want to try and spend more time with him before we fuck. So he doesn’t feel I’m playing with him and fucked him. I don’t understand many of you and your idea of committing to someone and knowing exactly what you want from them in the first four hours of meeting them. We’re not going as friends, I’ll still flirt with him, I’ll still do my moves but when he comes back to my house I don’t want to fuck him necessarily. If during the night I change my mind and see him with a different eye then yes. But if he’s coming to this event expecting dick then come on man that’s on him, if he wants dick he can get it in Grindr
We’re also going to see a bunch of light installations in a forest I wouldn’t really call it a date with the traditional meaning
It’s scary how some of you see things and what expectations you have after a single date. You feel mistreated and that people were unfair to you after a date or two. Like there’s no further consideration after a single date everything must be decided and figured out in the first date. People who expect sex after a drink or a walk at a forest scare me to be honest. I’m at an age looking for something serious, I’m tired of fucking randomers
Huh????? Dont ppl do that with friends? How is that setting mixed signals.
They only met a week ago. This is called the “getting to know you” phase of dating. It’s pretty normal to not know how you feel about someone after only one date.
Set expectations before you head out. Maybe just drop him a line about not wanting to go there on the first date and hope he understands. Etc. It's your right not to do anything you don't want to and he should respect that (if he's a decent person. If he's not, bullet dodged!).
Just be clear about your plans for the night beforehand. Something like: "hey let's aim to leave by around 10 (or whatever time). I'll drive you back to pick up your car and then go straight to sleep. I have an early morning tomorrow so can't really hang out afterwards."
Yeah I think something like this is best
You’re overthinking this. Even if you were open to having sex with him, that’s a decision you can make at anytime on the date. He might expect sex, he might not. He might expect McDonald’s on the way home, he might not. Who knows what he expects? If the topic of sex comes up during the date you can tell him then. If it doesn’t, just wish him good night when you get back to your place.
“Hey have a goodnight. Let’s hang out again!” And never mention sex.
You communicate it clearly There is no presumption or automatic mandate sex has to happen at the end of the evening. Come on lad, it ain't as complicated as you are making it out. Avoid the mental gymnastics in your head. Blunt question for you to reflect on If you are u able to communicate clearly man to man on a simple situation, do you think a deeper relationship, connection or intimacy will be challenging
Dating in Los Angeles confuses me, I’m not from here I’m from Greece and I think here, even by reading some of the replies on this thread, dating is synonymous to fucking. And I don’t want to fuck every guy I meet on bumble (it’s relationship orientated) but I feel everyone in LA just wants to fuck.
Be a man, focus on your desires and wishes. Stay true to you and what you want, and communicate clearly It is that simple sometimes
Also the reddit definition of gay based on what you see on this subreddit is far from what most people feel is true or real
"Let's take this slow".
You say no.
Oh boy. You need to have a discussion with him about what you want.
If you don't want to "date" this guy, then why are you stringing him along by inviting him to an event where has to drive 30 minutes to your place, leave his car, and then travel with you the rest of the way? Unless you've made it clear that you see him in a platonic light, which it sounds like you haven't, considering that you're worried he'll want to sleep with you, it sounds like you're toying with his emotions and sending mixed signals. My recommendation: When he shows up at your house, come out waving a giant red flag and a t-shirt that says "RUN."
We’ve only been out on a date, are we nowadays supposed to know what we want from the other person within the first five minutes of meeting them? And is meeting people from online apps synonym to fucking? It’s only second date and I don’t want to have sex, simple as that. Am I obligated to fuck him because he accepted to come with me to an event that he too seemed to like? It’s Los Angeles, to go anywhere you need half an hour it’s not like we live in a village. Is dating nonexistent nowadays, is it just Sex On and Sex Off? Bumble is for relationships i state in the app I’m looking for something serious. I’m going on 3 dates like this every week am I supposed to fuck them all?
Holy overreaction, Batman. No, you don't have to fuck him. Jeez. If the subject comes up, just tell him that you're not looking for anything physical. It's that simple. All I meant was, you seem pretty lukewarm about this guy. Yet you invited him out for date #2 to an event that involves him coming over to your place and then riding together to the venue, which seems a bit like leading him on if you have no desire to be physical with him.
Yeah you didn’t word it like that though did you? Hence the overreaction Batman with the tshirt that said run
Not wanting to fuck someone as you are not sure if you feel that way about them yet is a red flag??
No. OP sounds pretty sure that he's "not that interested" in this guy. So, why is OP asking him out on date #2? That's leading someone on. To me, that's manipulative and kind of cruel. Also, do you not think it's a little narcissistic of OP to just assume that this guy is scheming to fuck him after date #2? OP is making a HUGE assumption about what this guy wants. Those are the red flags to me.
He’s obviously not completely disinterested or there wouldn’t be a date #2. I’m genuinely baffled by your bizarre interpretation of perfectly normal dating pattens. Sometimes there’s an instant spark, sometimes there isn’t and you keep going on more dates to see if anything sparks as you get to know each other better. That’s the entire point of dating.
Yep. First impressions count But allowing a person to show themselves in layers to me seems a healthy way to do things. Plenty of people I ain't keen to fuck within a few minutes yet as men we could make something happen together long term with shared values and a shared mindset No wonder this sub is full of men complaining they can't find someone. If they don't fuck them the first night rheu are chucked
OK - not even what I was getting at. At all. Let's try this again: The OP indicated that he wasn't all that into the guy. Yet OP invites him out for another date, and then gets on Reddit and spews his anxiety that the guy "might try to fuck him after the date." That's completely narcissistic. He's asking someone out who he's lukewarm about, and then just assumes the guy is DYING to fuck him? Come on.
>That's completely narcissistic. It's really not. Guy is coming some distance to drive with OP to another venue. It may end late. Guy may be thinking this is going to end with him sleeping over, and it's really not a stretch to imagine then that shenanigans might be on the cards. >He's asking someone out who he's lukewarm about, and then just assumes the guy is DYING to fuck him? Come on. If someone asked you out for a second date, would you assume that they weren't into you?
It just sounds like OP wants to avoid any awkwardness. I don’t see any narcissism. I see someone who isn’t entirely sure how to navigate the dating expectations of other people. You’ve added a great deal of spice to a fairly bland question about communication.
You need to tell him about your boundary ahead of time. That way he has a chance to cancel the date if your interests are not aligned.
Is going on a date a presumption of sex, and if it ain't on the cards rhat night you should tell em so they can cancel and avoid all the conversation or time-wasting??
Yes. It’s better to be clear about it. If I go on a date with someone and sex doesn’t happen the first time around when it’s possible they’re 100% getting dropped. Additionally. You should never accept a date from someone that you’re not sexually attracted to.
What? First date sex is mandatory or its a no go for a second. This is why I tapped out of this shit
It’s not mandatory. But for many many people it must be at least a possibility. Some guys are okay with no sex on the table. But it’s important to state if you’re not comfortable with it so that time isn’t wasted by either.
This seems a warped perception I tend to feel no one owes me sex right off the bat If it's never likely then that's one thing But if its not the first few times we meet then I rdind that reasonably healthy
You may not like it and that’s fine. But it’s still important to advice the other party so they won’t waste their time if they’re looking for that.
He ain't saying never He's is saying not tonight If someone agrees to go out for the evening with a Lad or lass and at the end of the evening feels cheated out of sex, or they have been deceived. Says more about the person who is disappointed than it says about the person who says not tonight
Either way. But would you rather get ghosted or not have have wasted your time at all?
Personally, I prefer healthy male direct conversation and accountability Ghosting is for juvenile immature kids. at least it let's you know they are not ready for adult conversations or relationships and you are well rid of em
I've never used bumble so I'm not sure of it's reputation. If it were Grindr, I'd be pissed to go that far and not have sex, unless you had a profile that specifically said "looking for something serious, will not hop into bed with you right away even if I want to" or something along those lines... The very reputation of Grindr, at least in the parts of the US I've been in, is one of hook up sex unless a profile very clearly states the opposite.
It’s not like Grindr
Stop talking about Grindr. Bumble isn't Grindr.
I said I've never used it and don't know its reputation. However, gay dating apps still have things in common.
State clearly as you said. Wanna take things slowly and not looking for sex on 2nd date.