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Honest-Wealth7459

Sounds odd but we quit drinking. It changed a lot for us. We refocused how we were spending our time, energy, money. We got into more outdoor and daytime activities. Our sex drive increased. We started having much more brutally honest conversations, which lead to a new level of trust for each other, which lead to a new level of intimacy for each other… Maybe quitting drinking isn’t the change you need to make, and I would never have said I had any kind of drinking problem, and still don’t think I did, but a seemingly small change can lead to a massive difference.


Shaka_surf

If we can afford it at the time we try to take a long weekend away. For us, changing the scenery and schedules dramatically lowers our stress level. When we don’t have to be anywhere we can be with each other.


Azhmohodan

Time. Alone. Together. You need to take a trip or at least a weekend away to spend time with only each other. Not at home. Not doing the same thing you always do. No pets or kids. Get a hotel room, make a reservation, dress up, have a three course meal together and go for a long walk afterward. I know you said you can’t afford much right now, but find a way to get alone without distractions. Get naked and hang out. Basically do the date things that people do when their relationship is young. It will seem a little silly or cheesy but you can chuckle about it and still do it.


jasondclinton

I’ve been married 20 years and I think that this isn’t particularly good advice. It’s not bad advice; it’s just a nothing burger. If you have problems and you go on vacation, you just take your problems with you. This is one of the reasons that White Lotus is such a biting satire. Instead, the only way through is to work on bettering yourself and your relationship. And to do that, you have to talk. Define “better” however you want. But better it has to be.


Azhmohodan

I don’t think it’s a fix for a relationship, it’s a pause and reset to check what’s in your sandwich.


scienceofsin

Do you feel close and intimate emotionally? When you say low point are you fighting all the time?


DivingDudes243

Ruts are normal in relationships. We are animals who seek comfort in the familiar. But then we hear the call of the wild on the night of the full moon and we fantasize about what we’re missing. You CAN have both if you put the work into it. My husband has always been more sexually adventurous than I was, but he didn’t know there was a wild animal inside of me until we started a long process of communication. Everyone has fantasies, but many quiet folks never pursue theirs because of fear. Our solution in our early 60s was to open our relationship to others but always play together. My FOMO was settled and many of both of our fantasies have been realized. The main thing is that both of us make protecting the relationship our primary focus. It’s been 8 months now and very successful so far. I can’t tell you how it will end, but at this point we both think our relationship is stronger and our sex lives — with each other and with others — has certainly gotten better. Just talk and then talk some more about the things you want from the relationship, the impediments you find, and then LISTEN to his response. In other words, spend some time talking about and living in the situation before you try to solve it.


Miserable_Fox_4452

When was the last time either of you had your testosterone checked?


NeverEndingCoralMaze

Came here to say this. I had almost no symptoms except lack of motivation and crazy irritability. My sex drive was fine but I didn’t have the motivation to go get it when I could just crack one off while he was at the store. I went to the doctor. I got prescribed antidepressants. They didn’t work. I kept saying I wasn’t depressed, but something was wrong. We tried a few more antidepressants. I reiterated. And my doc listened. And we did blood work. My total testosterone was 256. Abysmal. 4 weeks later and the sex is so good even Jesus cried for us.


Grandpixbear1

I needed to remember that phrase: “Even Jesus cried for us”. Hahaha!


Miserable_Fox_4452

My BiLs was in that range. Two weeks in TRT and everything felt right again


posterholt

This and the comment (above this one right now) about going to the gym. Whether it is done via the gym, or through weekly injections (mixed with more physical activity), boosting your testosterone, will boost your sex drive. Being into each other sexually makes it so much easier to have the tough conversations about the nagging issues that weren’t such a big deal earlier in your relationship, but that have become more significant irritants as the years have passed. Truly, some of my husband’s quirks that I found endearing early in our relationship slowly became such extreme irritants that they were driving a wedge between us, and the same thing had happened to him about some of my uncommon traits. During the early months of the pandemic, we weren’t able to stay as active as we had been before and our testosterone levels dropped. Sex waned and those little issues were magnified even more and our differences started to become hurtful arguments. We are both mature enough that both of us could see what was happening, so we did what we could to add more exercise to our daily routines, but we also added supplemental testosterone and both of us got more interested in sex. Even though my sex drive had been at a low point for several months, I had never stopped believing that my husband was the sexiest man who has ever graced planet Earth with his presence, so when I was feeling sexual again, it was him who had my eye. Once we got back to being intimate, so many things that were driving us apart, became much less important than they were. However, I now know what to expect from him when low libido strikes again in (hopefully, long into the future) and we’ll be better prepared to handle it.


GlendaleTom

27 years together. Relationship ebbs n flows. The hardest part is the stupid love languages and it takes a lot of work to recognize them.


whoamIanywayz93

Why not try listening to Esther Perell’s podcast, where do we begin. Maybe listening to other peoples couples therapy will help you navigate some of your own struggles.


Rich_Interaction1922

Sometimes you have to rekindle, make an effort and set time aside for just the two of you. Schedule a trip of some sort or a getaway weekend. If you have been together for almost 10 years then you must be good together, you might just need a reminder of that.


sharpshooter-13

Sounds weird but if you're both serious about fixing things, institute a no cumming alone policy. If you want to jerk off, you have to invite him in the room, and vice versa. Don't worry about anal or even oral; just do mutual masturbation. Stop porn and make sure youre both sleeping/eating/not stressed.


AMDCPA

Even if you can’t afford to see a therapist, etc, you need to spend the money to date each other. Love takes work. Being a good husband and partner takes work. Date him again. Take him out to dinner. Go for a long walk together. Start a weekly activity together - my husband and I love tabletop games for this! If you don’t want to just coexist, you need to bring him back into your circle. Much love to you!


[deleted]

This is nothing you have mentioned but I had porn take the wind out of a LTR I was in. You can’t really compete with the “perfect” scenarios there. So, if that’s part of either of your lives you might just want to take a look at that. Best of luck. Some of the guys here have already provided some good info.


TeraTwinSomnia

I’ve been in my relationship 14 years now and getting close to 15. Communicate frustrations. Even if he doesn’t necessarily want to hear it. I’m not saying berate or pester. Just let things be in the open. Everyone has times of being stuck in the habitual day in and day out which can drain a relationship. And he needs to be aware of how the spark has dwindled. I’ve told my husband that we “feel more like roommates” at times when our affection is lacking and interactions feel stale. If he is fully aware then it comes down to patience and genuine care for one another. I can’t even begin to list how thankful I am for my husband. How much he cares for me and how much he does for me. Romantic love and overall mood between you two can fluctuate, even fall into a rut, but the love that is going the extra mile for your partner is what keeps things afloat and as healthy as it can be until the rosy moods and beautiful moments spring up once again. Commitment has a way of helping you realize just how much stronger you are together than if you were not. Which can in turn, at least in my experience, rekindle the heat and passions.


greeneyedguy6

Mandatory date nights. When we feel like we are disconnected, we institute a weekly date night. Doesn't have to be like a formal date, but like we have to do something that is us together like cooking dinner, going for a walk with the dogs, grabbing a drink by ourselves, etc. When you are stuck in the routine of life, it's easy to lose what you most admire about someone and sometimes you gotta throw some gasoline on that ember that may have run out of some fuel.


Nargo_Daddy

In the end we're animals, and we have biological priorities that usually does not include monogamy. I'm saying this as someone in a monogamous relationship. Love and friendship take a lot less effort in the long run than romance imo. Romance (including sexual engagement) takes vigilance. The 'honeymoon' period humans experience in their relationship is physiologically designed to last long enough for our species to mate and get the child through the most vulnerable years. Although we don't reproduce the conventional way, we still are experiencing the same biochemicals as our straight counterparts. One of the best pieces of advice I received regarding long term relationships was: your next episode of intercourse begins the moment you finish having intercourse. This means, flirting, touching, snuggling, talking in that intimate way, etc. Awareness is the key and is also the most difficult part. If you walk past him in the kitchen it can be as simple as brushing your hand along their butt. Coming up behind them in their favorite chair and kissing them as a greeting. You choose to take these actions as an investment in keeping the romance going. Of course this is more difficult when we get busy, are depressed, or if a crisis is occurring. In the end we can only try our best.


disposable0812

There may come a point where it’s best to separate. I’m not suggesting now, but is spending your life in a rut worth it?


StillComprehensive11

Why do you expect to get out of it? The whole point of marriage is to be in a rut!


ajwalker430

Even without a lot of money, there are things you can do to prioritize the relationship and each other. Before or after dinner walks. Start bike riding together. Depending on where you live, those "Sip & Paint" events are pretty fun as the beginning or end of a night out. Hell, plan regular "date nights" at the local Mcdonald's. The main thing is whatever combination of things you do, make them regular. And investigate pro-bono therapy either in person or online. The main thing is to focus on the relationship and making it better, not coming up with all the reasons why you can't.


executionofjustice

If you're like many couples, there are parts of yourselves that likely you've not shared with each other, probably parts that have evolved or surfaced since your coupling occurred. Go on a date and introduce those selves to one another. It's an opportunity to discover new fascination and interesting each other. Let yourselves be as much as possible NOT what you already know of each other but everything else. This'll at least freshen your awareness of how incredible each of you is and maybe deepen your understanding of why you love each other. Try to continue through date into the bedroom and through the "morning after" ritual. I suspect you'll both be glad you went out with the guys you met.