You can't make up for the lost time, the sooner you can accept this you'll be able to move on... But don't forget to grieve the person you were and take your time, once you grieve then you can celebrate the person you're now.
I appreciate the advice. It’s a roller coaster of emotions right now. Definitely still in the grieving process, but there are days I am looking forward to the new person I’m becoming.
If there's anything that I can equate to coming out it's like a second adolescence.
You're finally cool with the feelings around being gay and out are and everything seems like a possibility.
The best way to think is imagine you've been on a diet your whole life and you've excluded something that you absolutely want.
Well now you can taste it and you're trying to taste it as many times as you can for all those years you missed out.
Late bloomer as well though I didn’t go through exactly the same so I can’t fully advise how to help.
I want to stress to you that time is not running out and that while you can’t change the past or relive it. You most certainly can still flourish and live to the fullest now. In terms of love I firmly believe it happens when the timing is right at any age. I was actually 39 when I met my husband and had he appeared in my life sooner I probably wouldn’t have embraced how I felt for him.
Remember to be kind to yourself.
Nah, no need to make up for lost time, as you can never get that time back. You can certainly enjoy the time you have now, however. Be intentional with what you do, spend time on yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, be a little messy. Give yourself permission to breath and laugh. A lot.
36 is still young (says the fellow 36 year old), but I too thought I had to make up for lost time at one point in my life. But, as long as you are doing what you enjoy doing, none of it is ever a waste.
36 is still young and lots of time to explore your sexuality. my advice is to not jump into any relationships just yet until you've tried a few things.
Don’t be like that. I dated someone who was trying to “make up for lost time” and that was his whole identity. Just take it slow and do things you would normally do.
The time is spent and you made your choices. Don’t regret them instead accept it and learn from it. You’re still consider young to most so you really aren’t missing much you just have to get out there.
from my perspective, 36 is still pretty young. I have at least 3 friends I can think of, off the top of my head, that came out at approximately 50 and are living their best lives. in 2021 at age 52 I went on a gay sail tour and met a bunch of new friends and this summer we are getting an Airbnb in Italy in Sept this year. One of the great things about being gay, IMHO, is having a bit of peter pan syndrome is more accepted than it is in the hetro community. I have been out since 16, but I think some of my best times were my 40's. 50's maybe too, although like everyone else the pandemic was a bit of a downer.
There is no “making up for lost time”. We don’t have a finite set of experiences that you need to catch up on. Just enjoy you’re new life and finding out who you are.
You are still very young and the best years of life are ahead of you. I discovered men at age 31, married with 2 daughters. Came out to my wife at about 34. Separted at 38. Found my husband at 40. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will work out for you, even if they seem impossible at times. My husband and I have our 42nd anniversary in August.
You can never get that time back so just let that part go. Sure experiment have a blast but don't go to fast and use caution. Everyone that smiles in your face ain't your friend
I know this sounds cliché, but I don't think there is any lost time whatsoever. You have your life experiences and have learnt through them.
You have taken all the right steps, now you need to find the right people and surround yourself of them. Even if (hypothetically) you would have been able to come out sooner and live your life from the beginning, who knows what would have happened. You could still be in a place you don't want to be.
You don't start from zero now; you are starting from experience.
I’m newly out as both gay and trans, just began my transition last year, and I’m 35. I used to feel like I have lost time to make up for in more ways than one, but that’s a bit settled now a year in. I’m not currently dating, just making gay friends and getting to know people. 36 is still young. I have a lot of gay male friends in their 50s and 60s who came out much later than me. I’m sure a lot of them feel the way we do, but I also get the sense that they’re all just grateful they finally took the leap. It puts into perspective the “best time to plant a tree” thing - I could have waited until I was 60 to come out. I didn’t. I’m already ahead of the game.
Coming out is about so much more than finding a partner or hooking up - although yes, most of us want those things, and you should feel free to explore all of that. I’m not the marriage/co-habitating type so I feel less pressure to find “the one” and settle down and spend 50 years together. I think it would be fun to love multiple people throughout my lifetime. YMMV on that one but once I gave up the pressure of LTR/marriage culture I became so much happier.
Also, your wife might be going through similar feelings. She has to build aspects in her life from scratch as well.
She probably feels she has lost some time, so lots of communication with her and your therapist can help you navigate this. You both can share your struggles and successes without having to get into the details. Just helping each other along is the key to closure with the past so you both can move forward.
We’ve been leaning on each other a lot. We are both trying to be here for each other and are definitely communicating as much as we feel necessary. I’m really glad we can do that for each other.
That is great and honestly makes me happy to hear! I came out at 26 and still felt like it was too late and still struggled with that 'lost time' myth I had put way too much emphasis on.
I kept comparing and contrasting my experience with people around me who came out in high school and got to experience living openly during their formative years.
One on one therapy helped me tremendously, I also did Coming Out group therapy and was surrounded by people in different stages of their life and coming out process. and it made me appreciate my pathway so much more.
I wish you the best of luck and to focus and appreciate the present where you finally get to live authentically, it's exciting!
You will go thru a 'second teenage' phase. Get ready! lol... But for real, kissing a boy, getting a crush, drunken dance floor make outs, darkroom fun... there's lots of new experiences headed your way. Just like a Teen, your first gay relationship might not be (ie probably and probably shouldn't be) your last. Give yourself grace. Try to make friends over finding a husband right now. I came out at 24 but I joined a coming out support group for men and a guy who joined after me was older than my dad at the time and a Presbyterian minister! Better to come out at 36 than to come out at 46. You could have struggled for another ten years, but you didn't so congrats on that. Coming out won't fix everything in your life, but it's a great start to the rest of your life.
I call that the kid in the candy store syndrome! 🍭 You cannot make up for lost time because you don't have a time machine. Besides life is much better for us now than it use to be so you're just in time for whatever we are to face in the years to come.
No matter what anyone says there is no wrong way to be gay unless you go back to dating girls. Just keep in mind that we are one of the great pillars of culture and innovation so try to keep up and contribute.
Be careful out here. You are now a full on object of the male gaze. You want a crash course on how difficult that can be? Just ask your wife. These are troubled times we live in . People are not as nice as they once were. Don't get so caught up that you don't realize that cock your sucking belongs to a Russian spy and he's stealing all your votes for prom queen.
You should be getting your fruit basket and decoder ring in a couple of weeks.
WELCOME!🥳
YOU'RE HERE! YOU'RE QUEER! GO HAVE A MARGARITA!🎉🎊✨️
I’m proud of you. What you did took a lot of courage and self respect and I hope you keep those attributes as you move into this next stage of life. You will need them because you will still encounter challenges and set backs along with the new happiness and companionship you’ll find moving forward.
My advice is to stay mindful that your self respect and courage can morph into overconfidence and recklessness. I’ve know men who came out later in life thinking they were “owed” all that time they lost out on and it only led to a lot of bitterness and turned their life into one hell of a shit show.
I want you to go out and have a great fucking time but please remember that you are not entitled to anyone else’s experience but your own and you do not “deserve” to have all the “fun” people who have been out longer than you “might” have had.
Your maturity is hard won please don’t lose it.
This was me in September of last year, but 32. It has been a very interesting 6 months. Good luck, and try not to let men take advantage of you. Invest in yourself and make this your year of self improvement. Good guys will find you attractive if you’re healthy mentally and physically. But do it for yourself.
I came out to my wife and separated a year ago, and the emotional highs and lows were insane. It was tough but that weight lift.
Other comments are saying you can’t and shouldn’t make up for lost time, and that’s true to an extent. Don’t think of it as “making up” for anything. Just think of it as a great time to explore being gay and who you are as a gay man.
After getting through the muck of separating, it’s been the best year of my life. New apartment in the gay neighborhood, a great group of gay friends, and I’ve taken more dick than I ever imagined possible. Already booked a bunch of Pride weekends for the summer.
In the fall, I definitely plan to slow down a bit and maybe go on actual dates, but I’m really just enjoying living in the moment for now after feeling like I “had” to be a straight husband for most of my 20s. It’s the best.
When I first saw this post I thought mine from last year somehow reposted, it's almost exactly the same. I came out last year at 36 and my wife and I have been separated and are working towards divorce. We have kids too which complicates things. It hasn't been an easy year, but it's one where I feel like I've been able to be more true to myself and open to a lot of things. If you want to chat more you can DM me.
So I would say don't feel like you lost time but maintain your core values and who you are because you have always been that. In some ways coming out later is great because you avoid the crazy college ho years. Now you can be a ho but you also have to pay the bills lol so there's guardrails in place haha.
I like to think of it like a cake where the icing on the outside was "screwed up" or not what the customer wanted so we scraped the icing off and now redid it the way we wanted. But the cake inside is always going to be the same. The way it's presented to the outside world is what changes.
With that said don't get lost in the rebranding sometimes guys dive too much into their silos and brands and loose themselves. Your making adjustments, your learning your refreshing that car design. You were always you and now you have the freedom to not have to worry about showing that with the world.
You can't make up for the lost time, the sooner you can accept this you'll be able to move on... But don't forget to grieve the person you were and take your time, once you grieve then you can celebrate the person you're now.
I appreciate the advice. It’s a roller coaster of emotions right now. Definitely still in the grieving process, but there are days I am looking forward to the new person I’m becoming.
That's part of the process, there will be other days where you'd look back and it's fine too, but don't cling to what couldv'e been.
That’s good advice. I think even now I haven’t managed to stop thinking about all the lost time and lost opportunities. Mind you I came out at 45
If there's anything that I can equate to coming out it's like a second adolescence. You're finally cool with the feelings around being gay and out are and everything seems like a possibility. The best way to think is imagine you've been on a diet your whole life and you've excluded something that you absolutely want. Well now you can taste it and you're trying to taste it as many times as you can for all those years you missed out.
Absolutely! I’m feeling that too and figuring out how to take in these new experiences.
Late bloomer as well though I didn’t go through exactly the same so I can’t fully advise how to help. I want to stress to you that time is not running out and that while you can’t change the past or relive it. You most certainly can still flourish and live to the fullest now. In terms of love I firmly believe it happens when the timing is right at any age. I was actually 39 when I met my husband and had he appeared in my life sooner I probably wouldn’t have embraced how I felt for him. Remember to be kind to yourself.
Thank you…appreciate the advice!
Nah, no need to make up for lost time, as you can never get that time back. You can certainly enjoy the time you have now, however. Be intentional with what you do, spend time on yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, be a little messy. Give yourself permission to breath and laugh. A lot. 36 is still young (says the fellow 36 year old), but I too thought I had to make up for lost time at one point in my life. But, as long as you are doing what you enjoy doing, none of it is ever a waste.
36 is still young and lots of time to explore your sexuality. my advice is to not jump into any relationships just yet until you've tried a few things.
Don’t be like that. I dated someone who was trying to “make up for lost time” and that was his whole identity. Just take it slow and do things you would normally do.
The time is spent and you made your choices. Don’t regret them instead accept it and learn from it. You’re still consider young to most so you really aren’t missing much you just have to get out there.
from my perspective, 36 is still pretty young. I have at least 3 friends I can think of, off the top of my head, that came out at approximately 50 and are living their best lives. in 2021 at age 52 I went on a gay sail tour and met a bunch of new friends and this summer we are getting an Airbnb in Italy in Sept this year. One of the great things about being gay, IMHO, is having a bit of peter pan syndrome is more accepted than it is in the hetro community. I have been out since 16, but I think some of my best times were my 40's. 50's maybe too, although like everyone else the pandemic was a bit of a downer.
There is no “making up for lost time”. We don’t have a finite set of experiences that you need to catch up on. Just enjoy you’re new life and finding out who you are.
Please tell your wife we love her too.
You are still very young and the best years of life are ahead of you. I discovered men at age 31, married with 2 daughters. Came out to my wife at about 34. Separted at 38. Found my husband at 40. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will work out for you, even if they seem impossible at times. My husband and I have our 42nd anniversary in August.
You can never get that time back so just let that part go. Sure experiment have a blast but don't go to fast and use caution. Everyone that smiles in your face ain't your friend
I know this sounds cliché, but I don't think there is any lost time whatsoever. You have your life experiences and have learnt through them. You have taken all the right steps, now you need to find the right people and surround yourself of them. Even if (hypothetically) you would have been able to come out sooner and live your life from the beginning, who knows what would have happened. You could still be in a place you don't want to be. You don't start from zero now; you are starting from experience.
I’m newly out as both gay and trans, just began my transition last year, and I’m 35. I used to feel like I have lost time to make up for in more ways than one, but that’s a bit settled now a year in. I’m not currently dating, just making gay friends and getting to know people. 36 is still young. I have a lot of gay male friends in their 50s and 60s who came out much later than me. I’m sure a lot of them feel the way we do, but I also get the sense that they’re all just grateful they finally took the leap. It puts into perspective the “best time to plant a tree” thing - I could have waited until I was 60 to come out. I didn’t. I’m already ahead of the game. Coming out is about so much more than finding a partner or hooking up - although yes, most of us want those things, and you should feel free to explore all of that. I’m not the marriage/co-habitating type so I feel less pressure to find “the one” and settle down and spend 50 years together. I think it would be fun to love multiple people throughout my lifetime. YMMV on that one but once I gave up the pressure of LTR/marriage culture I became so much happier.
Also, your wife might be going through similar feelings. She has to build aspects in her life from scratch as well. She probably feels she has lost some time, so lots of communication with her and your therapist can help you navigate this. You both can share your struggles and successes without having to get into the details. Just helping each other along is the key to closure with the past so you both can move forward.
We’ve been leaning on each other a lot. We are both trying to be here for each other and are definitely communicating as much as we feel necessary. I’m really glad we can do that for each other.
That is great and honestly makes me happy to hear! I came out at 26 and still felt like it was too late and still struggled with that 'lost time' myth I had put way too much emphasis on. I kept comparing and contrasting my experience with people around me who came out in high school and got to experience living openly during their formative years. One on one therapy helped me tremendously, I also did Coming Out group therapy and was surrounded by people in different stages of their life and coming out process. and it made me appreciate my pathway so much more. I wish you the best of luck and to focus and appreciate the present where you finally get to live authentically, it's exciting!
Thank you!!
You will go thru a 'second teenage' phase. Get ready! lol... But for real, kissing a boy, getting a crush, drunken dance floor make outs, darkroom fun... there's lots of new experiences headed your way. Just like a Teen, your first gay relationship might not be (ie probably and probably shouldn't be) your last. Give yourself grace. Try to make friends over finding a husband right now. I came out at 24 but I joined a coming out support group for men and a guy who joined after me was older than my dad at the time and a Presbyterian minister! Better to come out at 36 than to come out at 46. You could have struggled for another ten years, but you didn't so congrats on that. Coming out won't fix everything in your life, but it's a great start to the rest of your life.
Tbh, there’s no “making up for lost time.” That’s just a road that’s going to end up in massive disappointment.
Never too late, better late than never. Enjoy the delayed adolescence while you can and get it out of your system.
I was 34, married with kids when I came out so I’ve been there. If ya need to talk, message me.
I call that the kid in the candy store syndrome! 🍭 You cannot make up for lost time because you don't have a time machine. Besides life is much better for us now than it use to be so you're just in time for whatever we are to face in the years to come. No matter what anyone says there is no wrong way to be gay unless you go back to dating girls. Just keep in mind that we are one of the great pillars of culture and innovation so try to keep up and contribute. Be careful out here. You are now a full on object of the male gaze. You want a crash course on how difficult that can be? Just ask your wife. These are troubled times we live in . People are not as nice as they once were. Don't get so caught up that you don't realize that cock your sucking belongs to a Russian spy and he's stealing all your votes for prom queen. You should be getting your fruit basket and decoder ring in a couple of weeks. WELCOME!🥳 YOU'RE HERE! YOU'RE QUEER! GO HAVE A MARGARITA!🎉🎊✨️
I’m proud of you. What you did took a lot of courage and self respect and I hope you keep those attributes as you move into this next stage of life. You will need them because you will still encounter challenges and set backs along with the new happiness and companionship you’ll find moving forward. My advice is to stay mindful that your self respect and courage can morph into overconfidence and recklessness. I’ve know men who came out later in life thinking they were “owed” all that time they lost out on and it only led to a lot of bitterness and turned their life into one hell of a shit show. I want you to go out and have a great fucking time but please remember that you are not entitled to anyone else’s experience but your own and you do not “deserve” to have all the “fun” people who have been out longer than you “might” have had. Your maturity is hard won please don’t lose it.
This was me in September of last year, but 32. It has been a very interesting 6 months. Good luck, and try not to let men take advantage of you. Invest in yourself and make this your year of self improvement. Good guys will find you attractive if you’re healthy mentally and physically. But do it for yourself.
I came out to my wife and separated a year ago, and the emotional highs and lows were insane. It was tough but that weight lift. Other comments are saying you can’t and shouldn’t make up for lost time, and that’s true to an extent. Don’t think of it as “making up” for anything. Just think of it as a great time to explore being gay and who you are as a gay man. After getting through the muck of separating, it’s been the best year of my life. New apartment in the gay neighborhood, a great group of gay friends, and I’ve taken more dick than I ever imagined possible. Already booked a bunch of Pride weekends for the summer. In the fall, I definitely plan to slow down a bit and maybe go on actual dates, but I’m really just enjoying living in the moment for now after feeling like I “had” to be a straight husband for most of my 20s. It’s the best.
When I first saw this post I thought mine from last year somehow reposted, it's almost exactly the same. I came out last year at 36 and my wife and I have been separated and are working towards divorce. We have kids too which complicates things. It hasn't been an easy year, but it's one where I feel like I've been able to be more true to myself and open to a lot of things. If you want to chat more you can DM me.
HO PHASE TIME BABY!
Congratulations, don’t rush things.
So I would say don't feel like you lost time but maintain your core values and who you are because you have always been that. In some ways coming out later is great because you avoid the crazy college ho years. Now you can be a ho but you also have to pay the bills lol so there's guardrails in place haha. I like to think of it like a cake where the icing on the outside was "screwed up" or not what the customer wanted so we scraped the icing off and now redid it the way we wanted. But the cake inside is always going to be the same. The way it's presented to the outside world is what changes. With that said don't get lost in the rebranding sometimes guys dive too much into their silos and brands and loose themselves. Your making adjustments, your learning your refreshing that car design. You were always you and now you have the freedom to not have to worry about showing that with the world.