43, unmarried, and happy with my life choices.
I didn’t want children, I didn’t want to settle down, I didn’t want to work with money as a goal, I wanted to live and work in places around the world, and there were just no women that I was with, until my early 30s, who subscribed to my ideas.
You can say that it wasn’t a decision to not marry, but rather a decision to not marry beyond my rules.
After 35, I started enjoying solitude way too much to consider fucking it up.
AMA if there are any questions. :)
1. I wake up in the morning, take a bath, swim on most days, pack my things, go to work, eat some snacks at lunch break, come back home at 5, go to play badminton for 2 hours, come back, jump straight to swim, get out, dry up, smoke up, cook food, clean house, smoke up some more, listen to music, sleep.
At least 3 times a week, I go to meet some of my friends in the evening, after badminton. A few days in the month, I meet up for a date. Sometimes I bring work home, or I read up and research. I could’ve used more hours in the day, to be true.
2. When I was young, I thought I couldn’t feel lonely. I think it changed the first time I wanted to just speak to a human and no one I knew was free. I handled it poorly, by watching Netflix, of course.
But generally, when I feel like I want to talk to someone, I call up one of my friends and tell them I straight up wanted to talk. The older you get, the more people you have who are willing to talk to you. Like I can go to the hospital and hang out in the ICU.
I have been lucky to have inculcated some true and deep friendships along the way, so I never feel like I lack someone to talk about the deep stuff.
3. I have, actually, struggled with this “meaning to life” shit. What am I working towards, that is. Usually people have children as a response to this existential thorn, I guess. I have made peace with working towards nothing, though. I like to pour myself into my teaching, since I feel like the knowledge I impart will outlive me. As well as to activism towards the issues I care about - LGBTQ rights, feminism, improvement of workplace culture for doctors and nurses in India, and so on.
I am 29 but your lifestyle is pretty much the one I'm working towards. My parents are exactly the same as yours and I expect a lot of harassment after I've sorted out my career in the US. One thing that I would like to ask you though, is the smoking up bit. I have been living in the US for a couple of years and weed is legal here, which makes me go overboard to a point where I'm not functional. Is that a problem you have faced? If you're single and away from your parents, the lack of accountability hits me pretty hard and I'm unable to control my urges. How have you dealt with keeping weed as part of your lifestyle without going too hard into it?
Okay. Umm, I don’t want to lean onto personal experience in this matter, I’ll just answer as a doctor who wants to help. Long answer, but I hope it helps.
Point 1.
So, all of us are susceptible to various substances due to varying factors - some of us more to cocaine, some of us more to weed, some of us more to heroine.
Before you start using the substance, it’s important to isolate the “why” of why you are using it in the first place. For instance, I know I’m using it - for euphoria and chronic pain. You might be using it for relaxation, appetite and so on.
Second thing to factor in, is “why not,” as in what factors exist for the argument that you should not use the substance in a certain quantity. Reasons can be money (expensive substance), or health impacts - like my concern is lung cancer, COPD, chronic bronchitis, and bronchiectasis. If you smoke your weed, at your age, these are the same considerations for you.
The next step is making a choice and knowing why you made that choice, for instance, you don’t want COPD - so you decided, you’ll smoke only 2 grams a week.
Then implementation, and replacement behaviours. For instance, I know I’m doing it for euphoria, so if I don’t want to build a tolerance which will lead to excessive substance consumption, I should give myself at least 2 days of break in a week. But, so that those two days are still good for me, I need to replace smoking up with a replacement behaviour that gives me the same emotion - in this case - euphoria. So maybe I’ll plan going out, or going to the beach. Something I like. Or a night with a few beers, drunk bowling with friends. But I always need to replace it with something that gives me euphoria - replacing it with working extra just won’t work.
Point 2.
If you struggle with controlling your urge to smoke, it’s best to figure out the “why do you smoke?” first. I am no psychiatrist or psychologist, so it may really really help to speak to one. Tell them clearly that you don’t want to quit, you want to make it sustainable.
Secondly, for the same reason, I prefer to smoke at the end of the day. I hate doing house chores, so I do it high, but just high-enough, not bonkers. I go bonkers high just before sleeping, so that it’s a reward for getting everything done. Practice makes perfect, so maybe practice doing things that don’t require too much attention when you’re high? My house is fucking sparkling clean, I’ll tell you it’s crazy good to scrub small spots when your world is spinning around. ;)
Point 3.
Don’t worry about your parents. It’ll hurt you, when you’ll realize that your actions are genuinely hurting them - that’s the most difficult part, the guilt. And Indian parents guilt trip without even realizing that they are doing it. Just remember, it’s your life, and you’re not hurting anyone by living it the way you want. The hurt that your parents feel, will be because of dis-synchrony between the image they have of you in their head, and what the real you is. But you’ll get over it. More power to you to live and love your life! ✊🏼
Thanks a lot for that comprehensive answer!
So I am actually seeing a therapist (have been for 2 years), and I have gotten a lot better with my weed consumption only recently. I'll skip the details that went behind my particular need to indulge, but it was mostly to do with escapism due to the resurfacing of a lot childhood trauma combined with my current bleak career situation. The way you broke down the 'why' and 'why not' aspect was similar to how my therapist also put it, but what really worked for me is me working on myself. It is hard work, I had to constantly keep evaluating myself and cross-question a lot of the natural thoughts that popped up in my head. Mindfulness is difficult thing to perfect but with enough practice and proactive effort it can happen.
And indeed, my therapist told me to keep it sustainable as opposed to cold turkey stopping it as well. I guess I'm doing okay for now but it's possible that I can relapse later, following which I will certainly reabsorb your comment's wisdom haha!
Thanks for your input though, a lot of the things you have said is exactly how I feel about things and it's great to see that one can be happy with those beliefs/practices. I'm certainly on the track of "no guilt" right now, wherein I'm trying not to feel guilty about going against my parents' wishes. It'll come to me in time, I'm sure.
P.S - I read in another comment that you're passionate about feminism/LGBTQ causes. I'm passionate about them as well and would love to know if you've done any sort of tangible social work there. Thanks!
You’re doing great. And you’ll be more than fine, I am certain enough to bet my stash of weed on that. :)
Especially good job getting into therapy early. I started therapy at 35ish, and learnt almost instantaneously, that I had mild-moderate autism. And I went like, ah fuck, that makes so much sense. I laughed for like 3 minutes straight. 😅
Therapy is really beneficial stuff. Good that you got a head start! 👍🏽
And yeah. We are an honour-centric society, it’s not easy to get rid of the guilt. But you will prevail. :)
On a somber note, about tangible stuff - god knows, it feels like there’s no end to how much needs to be done. I’d love to share a few details, but anonymity prevents me. Usually I am happy being the money guy for young activists. They have the better ideas, and I can get them the better mics to speak it loud.
The reason I said I won’t lean onto personal experience is because, I’ve made mistakes along the way. I guess I was, when I was 29, facing the same issues as you.
With cocaine though. I love the stims. As you can tell, with the euphoria thing.
So. Life did get messy for a split second, had to steer it back.
Edit 1.
But, don’t worry. It’s not something that I regret. This phase in life? You’ll also not regret it in the future.
The only thing I regret is smoking my first cigarette when I was 13. I wish I could reverse that.
Yes. Sadly. That’s the only addiction I ever caught. But you know… I was a child when I started, and already a chain smoker at 18 when I first read it’s bad for you. Before that, it was all cool dhuan dhuan. 🤷🏾
1. Doctor, Assc. Professor at a teaching hospital. I specialise in Intensive Care.
2. No, nearly all of them are married. But unlike what others are commenting, my married friends like to hang out - as long as I pick them up from their homes, and drop them back home sober before 10 PM.
Whom do you live with? How do get the necessary physical and emotional needs fulfilled without marriage?
Are married couples who are your friends comfortable to be around a person like you?
1. I live alone, with my 2 dogs, and 2 cats.
2. I don’t have many emotional needs. If I’m feeling low or stressed, I usually talk it out to friends. Being loved always felt like a burden to me, so I’m happy to be liked, and it’s been enough for a long time.
3. Physical needs like food? I cook, or I order in. Like sex? I currently am in a relationship, with a rather busy person, so 3-4 dates a month, and maybe twice a week of sex. I used to get more sex when I was single, but I like this person. Like, really like this person. So, it’s alright. 😅
4. Married couples are quite okay with having me as a friend. I never felt that it was a barrier. Of course, there would be people who wouldn’t like to be friends with me because I smoke, smoke up, drink - but that’s got nothing to do with my unmarried status. Very surprisingly, I have 3 friends - currently- who have in the recent past trusted me enough to babysit. So…. I think that’s the ultimate litmus test as an unmarried male, and I passed it.
She is actually planning to get married this year! Not to me. Good for her, good for me.
How old? 31.
How did I find them?
Met at an art exhibit thru a mutual friend, got into a heated conversation, asked if she’d have coffee with me, and here we are.
About the babysitting part? Thanks yaar. But it’s actually more to their credit to be so nice and trusting. The first time I was requested, I felt so grateful that someone wasn’t seeing me as a weirdo. That’s progress towards normalizing not-marrying that they have made, not me - and I’m proud to call such people my friends!
But to be honest, if I was a parent, I’d never leave my kids with a male friend. I mean… that would take so much trust ki utna trust hai hi nahi mere andar! I have not made enough progress, clearly, I’m still very much a Sharma uncle types in that regard. 😂
The daughter of one of my friends recently got divorced.
Apart from her… I think they are all more or less happy. No one has ever earnestly told me that they wish they didn’t marry, to be honest. Many have told me that they wish they had waited a few more years for their first child.
Lemme remember a second though. My cousin sister isn’t happy, she has a physically abusive husband. But she’s the only one I can think of, rest of them are happy-ish. They are okay and content.
👆🏾 this ladies and gentlemen is how you use substances to enhance your life! (Thanks btw for breaking from usual tropes about 🌿 smokers! It's great if you've cultivated a system to know where and how to beneficially use it in your life).
Bravo!!
>I have made peace with working towards nothing, though. I like to pour myself into my teaching, since I feel like the knowledge I impart will outlive me. As well as to activism towards the issues I care about - LGBTQ rights, feminism, improvement of workplace culture for doctors and nurses in India,
My 2 cents is that you've essentially negated your first statement with your second. This is it - you've imputed a solid sense of meaning with the aforementioned endeavors.
Woah, good for you that you are satisfied with your choices!
I was never a wanna-get-married-asap person, but I don’t want to end up alone either. Sounds like one sorry life.
It is a life. It isn’t too bad, but if it’s not your cup of tea, I’ll completely understand why.
It does give me the creeps to think that my dogs and cats may eat my body if I die one day. Fuck, that’ll make a cool newspaper headline.
Request is an understatement. They harassed me.
And the use of past tense is an understatement, they are still alive, and they still try - their primary concern (now) seems to be that I’ll be all alone in my advanced age.
Earlier their primary concern was that I was humiliating them in the society. They tried to guilt trip me often, and because I was very public about my relationships - they often tried to guilt trip the girl as well. Indian parents, I tell you.
Recently, they also asked me if I was gay, and that it would be okay for them. Well, my parents are now in their 70s and I am happy about the amount of anguish it must’ve caused their homophobic selves to say that. :’)
Well. So yes. Parents went crazy, still are. But eventually I learnt to not worry about what others say.
Edit - Not gay, just doing my bit about the cause of making homophobic parents accept their children. :’)
Exactly
I was about to get my marriage fixed with my girlfriend but the amount of guilt trip they gave to me and especially to my girlfriend that she started hating my parents eventually and we broke up because of this. I still can't bear the pain that my own parents were the reason for this.
>their primary concern (now) seems to be that I’ll be all alone in my advanced age.
I'm curious, how do you expect to tackle that? I mean sure you can have freinds and gf but at some age you're only left with your wives and children .
How do you plan for life in your 60s and beyond?
I am inclined towards unmarried life as well.
Parents worrying how I'd do alone is an issue for me as well and they keep trying.
One thing I don't have is friends to cope with loneliness and that is my worry! I'd like to make friends but i am too reserved...
Lol that was the one statement I vibed with the hardest. I don't consider pain inflicted through confirmation of oneself's bigotry as pain at all. If you have shitty beliefs that are harmful for others and you feel victimized when that shitty belief is realized, you deserve that pain.
They are misguided do-gooders. The people who do most damage, are often misguided self righteous ones. And my parents certainly qualify. Won’t wish them on anyone, though again, I do believe they were just trying to do what they thought was right.
Precisely my thoughts for my parents.
They were misguided by some stupid relatives and eventually fucking up the relationship for everyone.
I do believe they were trying to do what was right for them or they thought, but it wasn't actually
Fomo isn’t the word really, but I do get a tinge of self-doubt when I see happy married couples, and especially kids.
But then, I do get the same feeling when I see my colleagues driving Porsches and Jags.
Eventually, I take a deep breath and remind myself that my choices are my own, and their choices are theirs. And I wouldn’t trade my life story for theirs, even if I am envious of some of the perks that come with making the choices they made.
Good for you. Nothing is a bed of roses. They have just as many difficult days as you do, perhaps with more responsibilities (problems) and different life experiences (kids)
True, true! I never think the grass is greener on the other side. People who are choosing parenthood, while actually being determined to do whatever it takes to be good parents, are very brave. Much more so than I’ll ever be.
Grass ain’t greener perhaps, but babies are certainly cute, there’s no denying. I’m just a sucker for holding tiny hands, and listening to babies cackle. When it’s time to change diapers, I return them. :’)
Don't want to sound like a prick, but does it get lonely sometimes. I could only guess your own family would alienate you(kudos to you if it isn't so). Just wanted to know how you are is all.
It does get lonely, but I am actually quite fine. Strangers, friends, colleagues, juniors - there’s a lot of compassion that comes your way if you only need a little bit of it, and my needs are very few.
And yeah, my family alienated me when I was in my late 20s over marriage, took me back a few years later when they saw I wouldn’t budge.
I actually spent almost 15-20 years travelling only within India. I’ve been to all states except Gujarat, Tripura and Meghalaya.
Then started travelling outside India only around 2014. And as a tourist, not much of a traveller, I’ve been to… Most of Western Europe, Russia (only Moscow though), China, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, Mexico, USA, UAE, Oman, Nepal, Bhutan, Sri Lanka.
Japan and literally anywhere in Africa (without getting killed) is what I’m planning next.
But lived for a short while in Germany, then Netherlands, and in between in Spain. And that’s the only bit I can confidently say that I’ve travelled. Rest are just, touch, click pics, booze and chill with locals, and bye bye.
This dude is living the way I want haha. 20 years from now probably I will be writing similar story on someone else's post. Cheers to you! <3 Have fun!
34, work in a psu, started investing at an early age of 23 and now have a decent sized portfolio, keep myself busy with gardening, web series and pc gaming. I stopped learning new skills because my job is kinda monotonous but it pays well.
Occasionally i take on some small and exciting projects in my home like building a river tank or home automation and that keeps me happy. I'm also planning to start solo travelling but I'm an introvert so it's kinda difficult for me and my parents are getting old so they need my care 24/7.
Gardening, web series, introvert but interested in solo traveling and the most important, good pay with minimal stress!!! Thinking of never marrying, I'm 23 currently 👀
Is it my future self with a different reddit account??🙃😂
got cheated on and dumped when I was 20, then went into depression. Saw my sister getting married to a guy just because he got a 50 lpa package and my family was so proud of it, saw my uncle get left alone by his son after he got a job and decided he was too much of a burden for him. Lots of these things made me question whether there's even a thing like love that exists in the real world or if it is just a concept that only exists in movies.
> Saw my sister getting married to a guy just because he got a 50 lpa package and my family was so proud of it.
You must be proud of your sister that she is in a good marriage. She just married a 50 LPA man, but that man is providing her with money so she can sacrifice a few years of her career to have babies together. I see no problem with that. For her and your parents.
> saw my uncle get left alone by his son after he got a job and decided he was too much of a burden for him
Parents have to understand that they don't make babies as a life insurance policy scheme. Parents create babies for their enjoyment and not the other way around. Your cousin can do whatever he wants to do and is not obliged to return and "serve" his father
Well good for them but i don't want that kind of relationship, i already have a transactional relationship with my organisation and don't want another in my home. I will happily die alone🤗
U dont see anything wrong with a women treating a man as a wallet? And what is the confirmation she isn’t going to just divorce him after she is done using him? U r extremely blind and ignorant for not seeing anything wrong in marrying a guy JUST because he has a 50lpa job
My Uncle had a younger cousin brother , when my uncle was 30 and his cousin bro was 25 , his cousin fell in love and requested his older cousin(my uncle) to get married so he can marry next. My Uncle revelaed that he doesn't want to get married he wants to get involved into social service as he was closely working with NGO. His cousin married happily
Fast forward today , my uncle is 45 , all his frineds are married and have turned shelfish . They barely call or visit my uncle who helped them the most . His married friends and cousins who earlier would be welcoming and helping others are today concentrated only on their kids , they only care about themselves, buying a flat, car , land , when someone asks for help, they flat out lie as the wife may question them later.
My uncle is currently the financial manager of a large NGO he was given this posistion since he had no children, nor he wanted extra money. He is very much respected and has frineds and wellwishers in every area he visits. Every women is like his mother / sister now , they feel comfortable sharing their pains with him. He enjoys this image of bhramachari , people consider him sacrificing his life and gains immense sympathy from females ( which came with the decision to be a bachlore)
He looks very young and fit for his age , no belly , or tired face , he wakes up early and does his cooking and cleaning, he takes a walk and stays fit as no child preparing for school drama , eveyone can approach him young or old . And he never regretted not marrying even once.
Regarding old age , he is appointed as a full time trustee of the Ngo due to his years of selfless work, he is been invited by many foreign NGOs who offer him citizenship , money and posistion which he respectfully rejected . He lives in a 1 room / 1 bedroom within the NGO campus and brings in a feeling of happiness and joy to everyone he interacts with
As I grew older into my late 20s , I once asked him - "why mama ( uncle) you never got a mami( aunt)" , he giggled and said , "there are soo many happy mami's out there , but how many happy mama's?"
Later I realised that marriage sometimes makes you snobbish , lazy , anxious about others, and self protective, which prevents you from looking outwards or working for the society. He also kindda still has this young-old man , boyish charm like bhoi or Rahul gandhi ,etc both unmarried
He got a good point with very little happy mamas 🤣. Though in families, everyone will definitely prioritise their own needs first. That's how a family functions
I see myself living like this in the future but i'm not sure if that would happen. I really wish I could do something for the society. Your uncle is a living legend.
A HS senior of mine is making a shit load of money, hooking up with beautiful women every month and constantly travelling.
He takes care of his health and works out regularly. When people ask him who will look after him in old age, he just says he’ll join a high end retirement home.
I know him well and he’s genuinely very happy with his life
Okay so i know someone and let’s call him K. I had met him on bumble and we’ve a significant age gap (20+). He’s 44 ish now. He is a project manager and very successful career wise. We had connected on a very very deep level regarding our lives, being a single child, responsibilities and our life’s outlook in general. All the time that we had spent together, we never had a single sexual/nsfw or anything of that sort of talk. We just loved spending time with each other even though it was all just us talking. So back to his life, When he was in his late 30s, he had met a woman with whom he had fallen in love. It was an arrange set up ish at first but then they genuinely started to feel for each other. They courted each other for 3-4 yrs and then something happened in the girl’s family and her brother was dead set against this relationship. So when the relationship got harder, he kind of started to see someone else from his office and broke it with her. Que to present, when things started to get a bit tough with the office lady, he started to see me. All this time i never had a clue that this office lady existed 🤡 he only told me when the lady was about yo call me and tell me everything. In the hindsight, I understand why he never wanted to meet me even though he always came to my city as his parents live here. K is a self loathing man but i almost pity him. He looks great but photoshops his pictures like he’s in his 20s, has an amazing career but loathes the fact that his parents didnt let him go to the US and ALSO he blames women for all his personal misery. His problem is that no woman is good enough for him and if they are they are “too young” but he’ll still continue to lie about his age and hiding his relationships. But yk, i really hope that he finds his person because it somewhat makes me sad. But the Moral of the story, dont be like K
K seems to have other problems. I hope he finds resolution and peace inside, before he finds 'his person'. That's my read from your short comment. The next paragraph is entirely my _opinion_, not a fact.
I'm 43 and I have seen enough relationships fall apart and destroy years of people's lives because the individuals in the relationship haven't managed to centre their own personas. Confident, secure individuals _can_ have loving, healthy relationships. Without internal security, things are bound to be stormy and rough. If you haven't had a relationship where your partner is a reliable and constant refuge from the chaos of the world, it is difficult to imagine a relationship without strife.
As for the 20 year age difference, I don't think it matters. Age doesn't lead to maturity, so judging (or matching) people on the basis of a number is silly.
K definitely has/had other problems. I believe his unfortunate childhood story of riches to rags kind of really still affects him to the core. He wants someone like his mother but he is not willing to see that his mother is a sad woman in her own secluded life. I think there’s a saying right, “All women become like their mothers. That’s their tragedy. No man does, that is his.” He is unwilling to see the world in a more forgiving manner perhaps because the world wasnt so. Still doesn’t really justifies hurting the people who were the closest to him.
I used to wonder how he hadn’t found _his person_ yet but then i really looked at him and knew why.
Whatever it may be, I hope he finds love and the ability to forgive and be forgiven.
Also, i mostly agree on the age difference part. I had never felt so in sync with someone while talking as much as I’d felt with him (except my current bf). But down the line, there would be a power imbalance which is an inevitable part of any age-gap relationship and no matter how much we deny, there always will be. As someone who had been groomed, i still wouldn’t ever recommend anyone on having such a huge age gap at especially at a very young age. If i were with him, I’ll be on my prime 30s and he would be a senior citizen. That’s really not healthy iykwim. But I also get that, it works for a lot of people and good for them. Love finds us in different ways.
> But down the line, there would be a power imbalance which is an inevitable part of any age-gap relationship and no matter how much we deny, there always will be
I agree. In fact the power-gap is something to be cognizant of, even with a smaller age gap. I've seen the unintended consequences of it in a relationship with a two-year age difference. Of course, with a little recognition, maturity and ageing, it did diminish significantly. As the older person in that relationship, I was largely oblivious to its effects on my partner.
Here's wishing peace, love and joy to K and yourself. Cheers!
He lied about his age at first, basically lying by omission. I only got to know about it after i searched him up on linkdin 🤡 i was just super dumb that i stayed with him even after knowing
I’ve seen many posts on Reddit that asks about unmarried folks or childless couples and I am yet to see 1 comment that says that they regret their decision. Something to think about.
Not too bad.
43 unmarried. Making friends as I get older has been difficult. Other than the fact that most of my close friends are married and family-life affects their flexibility when it comes to hanging out with me, I really don't see any downsides to me being single.
I never intended to "settle down". Kids were never on the cards. Even owning a house and a car are something I've avoided. I'm only okay with owning things if I'm not taking on large loans for them.
Having very few responsibilities and liabilities, gives me the freedom to do the work that I feel like doing, even if it pays 1/4 of what my corporate job used to pay a decade ago.
What is a reason of you not marrying?
Also one of the reasons your friends dont wanna hangout with you, is not just flexibility of time but they don’t relate to you as well. Try to make friends who are unmarried .
As I explained above, I didn't have a good reason **to** get married. The girl I was in a relationship with didn't care one-way or the other. There was some pressure from my parents when I was younger, but almost none as I got past my mid 30's.
>Also one of the reasons your friends dont wanna hangout with you, is not just flexibility of time but they don’t relate to you as well. Try to make friends who are unmarried .
I guess that's true. I have close friends but I have a lot less in common with them than I used to, back in college. What's interesting is that they don't have a lot in common with each other either. Being married and having children just changes priorities.
Recently I had to run away from an alumni meet because all the conversations seem to be revolving around children's schools and boring things like that. I have a lot more in common with the married friends who've chosen not to have children.
New friends, old friends... I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
This must be sad to go through, do you think you would want to have a marriage now?
See we are a tiny spec in this universe and it's just the existence of a significant other who remembers our existence fully(if you are not one in the million like Ratan Tata or vivekanand) This spiritual emptiness of never being acknowledged by an other human being can be depressing and cause extreme loneliness
> This must be sad to go through, do you think you would want to have a marriage now?
I'm not sure how marriage helps.
I am open to finding a romantic partner though. I suspect I'll find a kindred spirit sooner rather than later.
Loneliness, thankfully, isn't something that bothers me. Far from being depressing, I find it relieving. I'd rather be alone than tied down by the expectations of formal relationships.
We are all different people.
33 here don't want to get married. I am gonna invest so that I can retire peacefully. Probably will travel the world , try different foods and bang some escorts that's about it
I have a friend, roots from UP. His elder brother hadn't even seen the face of the girl and his parents said you're getting married in 2 months. When I saw her at the wedding day, I was taken aback by how beautiful she was. Bro doesn't come to hang out with us anymore (occasionally used to), has become a family man even before kids. I'd say he is pretty happy
The first question could be only answered by her, because we don't know if she wanted to be a housewife or wanted a career in something. If she did want to be a housewife then I'd say she too is happy. Their house is like the ones in soap operas, saas, bahu, two devars and there was another woman I forgot who, so she has enough company. She is educated, has a B. Com.
For the other question, oh he changed 180 after the marriage. Is way more responsible, gets home on time and has been grooming himself well.
I have been in a relationship before but it didn't end well for me :( But being single after a relationship taught me the real meaning of freedom!! I don't have problem being alone. There are only two needs for me someone to take care of me while am sick and someone for my physical needs...hope musk releases fuck robots soon 🤞🏾
I’m 43 and not married. I still date women in my age group but haven’t really found anyone compelling enough to spend the rest of my life with. I’m happy when I’m by myself. Kids seem like an expensive hobby with no guarantee that they will be around when I’m old. Have a few good friends around. I stay fit and pursue my hobbies of travelling and learning new things.
Grass is always greener on the other side. There are good marriages and bad marriages. My problem with marriage is that an exit route from a bad marriage is so so difficult, it just turns me off from the whole concept.
Still open to the idea of finding someone. But the bar is high for that person in my head.
45, never married. My life is absolutely stress free. I am a creature of habit. Weekdays are busy with work anyways which I enjoy. Enjoy making my own breakfast, dinner etc,.
Weekends visit coffee shops, concerts etc,. Travel and read when I can.
Stay away from watching most Bollywood movies as there is no social/peer pressure to watch that crap. Great for mental health.
Excellent!!
Thankfully from when I was 14 somehow I understood that marriage is an outdated concept.
It's unnatural to expect for either the man or woman to believe that they will be in love with you for the rest of their lives, just because now they are married to you.
Eventually everyone falls in love....again....and...again!!
And then it just becomes a hypocritical relationship in which you're lying to each other all the time.
I'm 45 now.....and I have never regretted not getting married.
I will admit though that I have felt the pain of heart break on more than one occasion when I had to break up with girls I was truly in love, because I couldn't bring myself to partake in the social construct of marriage...and rightfully...the girls moved on.
But overall....I love not ever having to lie to anyone, and being independent.
Thanks
I guess for you it's going good because you were good-looking and charming enough to keep getting girls to stay with even after not marrying till that age. Most people marry because if they don't they will left alone completely without any GF.
How do you find all these married women to have as GF though. I don't think most people are able to get even if they are want to.
Ignore. You already answered in other comments
I've only had relationships with 3 married women.
I met all 3 at work.
I asked the first one out for lunch to restaurant I had heard she likes....and she enjoyed my company....and we took it from there.
The 2nd girl had an incredible body....and I just couldn't resist telling her so!! She loved the compliment and we start going for lunches, and the occasional drink/dinner.
My current girlfriend actually fell in love with me. She was a collegue....but far junior to me. I knew of her.....but she wasn't even in my purview.
We had spoken a couple of times at company lunches etc....but that's it.
After 2 years of being in love, she wrote a simple text to me one night, "I feel like saying something to you, but I just can't think of anything" !!!
That's how it all started.
The rest have all been single girls only.
Not really......I don't see life as a pleasant walk in the park.....so, I don't understand why I would want to bring someone fresh into this world and have them go through the struggles that all of us faced in our lives.
Irrespective of how rich or successful we are.....in the end our life is governed by our struggles and failures. Be that financial, emotional, mental or physical. I don't see any need to force someone to come to this world and have them go through it, when they don't really need to.
I wonder what people’s opinion will be, if they are happy being single, in their 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, when their parents are dead, and friends are dying one by one and every funeral you go to, you realize you’ve lost one more person, and you have to deal with those existential crises alone in your bed with a bottle of pills as your only companion. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter if you have hobbies and a strong mind. I get it. Marriage isn’t for everyone. And spouses die too. I’m just thinking out loud.
And spouses dying leaves in a worse state. Old age is generally all bad as you said but could be good if you are socially active and/or living for a cause. Basically nothing can be said or decided considering future in mind. Live in present and get married if you feel like you found someone with whom enjoy living in present moment.
I been married for 3 years and it's becoming rocky now and we are trying to figure out how to make up once we've argued. We don't talk for days sometimes. I ignore her calls during such times.
And we don't have sex for weeks and it is frustrating during this time. So I watch porn and relieve myself but it's not enough.
Sometimes I wish I didn't marry so early and also fleeting thoughts such as shall I just up and leave? I see my single colleagues doing lot of tinder and bumble and getting matched with hot girls, I get an instant pang of regret about my married status.
So yeah not that great at the moment.
The grass is greener on the other side. The "hot" girls are usually more often than not crazy as well and full of themselves. It is not worth it or she wouldn't be single. The HUNT on Tinder is extremely tiring and makes you question everything about yourself.
I'm 26 I plan to never marry. It sucks but I'm a Dalit Software Engineer so no girl I meet is ever from my Caste and ofcourse these brahmin women wouldn't marry me.
I cannot go for an arrange marriage as it feels weird and wrong . I didn't choose to not get married. I just know I won't be able to
Ok. My parents also do the same. My father is feeling very very Bad about me whenever I say I want to stay single and free. He calls me names and are Angry towards me.
I am relieved about not facing any problems that come with a married life. Like, I don't have a fear of failing to earn to spend on my child and wife. I am not required to earn so much so that I serve them plus my parents. It is a relief that I am not required to earn for so many.
I am able to wake up late on more days that I could if I was married. Maybe that would not be an option if I was married.
I am free of "criticism" that society gives on married individuals failing at anything in marriage. I can talk to any woman I like. I am a bachelor and that sounds nice.
BUT what I miss is intimacy. There is something special about having a partner. You can be wild with them from time to time, and nobody ever questions what is going on between you. I miss that. I haven't experienced what it is like to live with a woman who will have me as a major part of her life. I can really grab her and wrestle with her. I think that feeling and option in life does some wonders.
Overall I am okayish with being unmarried. There are good hits and a few misses.
45. Never married. 1 adopted kid, now 9. Working in senior management. Extremely happy with my life choices.
Started off from 0. First investment 2k SIP in Franklin Bluechip.
Current networth excluding primary residence: 5cr+.
God has been extremely kind to put it mildly.
Ours has always been a very liberal household so marriage pressure per se was never there. Plus what worked out well was most of my friends either never married or married but chose to have no kids.
You are very lucky to have been Born in such liberal family, mine is not that liberal they Insist me to get married. They don't care whether I want that or not.
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I know a senior did his phd master's and bachelor in good stem field, did a job for a few months and tried going abroad for any postdoc activity and all being a research scientist. He truly lived the life of Into the wild, moving from one place to another finding people interacting with them . He always wanted to travel the world and meet strangers. Hr recognised that he can't do this all beign single comparatively :)
He is 37 and my phd advisor at one of the iits and literally the coolest guy i know. I don't know why people say how do you handle the loneliness because probably he is the one guy who is most social and travel teach on his own terms
I aspire to be like him in fulfilment. I recognise the marriage is not a RITE of passage but mostly someone you agree to spend rest of your life who aligns to your goal . Having seen many experience i truly live by this thought
I am 28 and had so much life remaining, i can't see myself settling down. After my phd i probably would try to go abroad and understand and interact with different people
What's the point of an attractive woman if she has a horrible body. Most Indian woman don't work out I don't care if they are attractive. Body with high body fat percentage will look horrible even if she is attractive.
Fine ! I am not looking for marriage. I can get easily married to a woman if I wanted to. I'm workin on my fitness, career right now so I want the same from woman. Asking for dowry is wrong and I don't believe in it but atleast she can do is stay in shape. I just said facts about Indians and India woman in general.
There are lots of women who work out and having a preference is not wrong. But the way you just shamed and called a woman disgusting for having some fat in her body is awful. It clearly shows how much you would value a woman beside you, not by her other qualities but the random mound of fat on her. Would hate to think how uncomfortable you'd make a pregnant woman feel or anyone suffering from a disorder. Please, don't try to act like you're forward thinking by stating "AT LEAST I THINK DOWRY IS WRONG!!" when you literally judge women so much on some stupid fat cells.
I'm glad you're not interested in getting married. I would feel bad for the poor woman who eventually would age naturally and have other issues even if she was exercising and have such an unbearable person next to her.
Lol! So men can't have standards 🤣🤣. You can come at me if I demanded dowry or lighter skin. I just need a phat ass, slim waist Indian woman with a decent personality.
Alright bruh🤣.. What attitude? You should be angry at the dudes demanding tons of dowry not me. I'm just being straight forward with my requirements. I might not get a girl like that but its my opinion.
Ambiguous question. Do you mean those who have chosen to never get married and have stuck with it, or those who got pressured into a marriage against their wishes?
Everyone says marriage is outdated, how they don't want to marry until they need extra help, for instance some guy was kidnapped by a rickshaw driver by spraying something in Mumbai, his wife was suspicious as he didn't call her, and immediately alerted police and located him, if he wasn't married and lived alone, nobody wouldn't bother to locate him. He was fine, but if she didn't find him, then he would have either lost some organs, or the life. So do yourself a favor and marry someone or at least have a family. People are not supposed to live alone.
lol no, I meant when you are married there are more people around you than living alone. The more the people better in a country like India where connections really matter.
No woman is worth the pain. They just look at your bank balance and looks. Haven’t met anyone who wants to put in even the minimal effort to get to know you.
These days everyone wants a rich, handsome party guy 🤦♂️
43, unmarried, and happy with my life choices. I didn’t want children, I didn’t want to settle down, I didn’t want to work with money as a goal, I wanted to live and work in places around the world, and there were just no women that I was with, until my early 30s, who subscribed to my ideas. You can say that it wasn’t a decision to not marry, but rather a decision to not marry beyond my rules. After 35, I started enjoying solitude way too much to consider fucking it up. AMA if there are any questions. :)
How is your daily life like now? How do you handle loneliness ? What are you working towards?
1. I wake up in the morning, take a bath, swim on most days, pack my things, go to work, eat some snacks at lunch break, come back home at 5, go to play badminton for 2 hours, come back, jump straight to swim, get out, dry up, smoke up, cook food, clean house, smoke up some more, listen to music, sleep. At least 3 times a week, I go to meet some of my friends in the evening, after badminton. A few days in the month, I meet up for a date. Sometimes I bring work home, or I read up and research. I could’ve used more hours in the day, to be true. 2. When I was young, I thought I couldn’t feel lonely. I think it changed the first time I wanted to just speak to a human and no one I knew was free. I handled it poorly, by watching Netflix, of course. But generally, when I feel like I want to talk to someone, I call up one of my friends and tell them I straight up wanted to talk. The older you get, the more people you have who are willing to talk to you. Like I can go to the hospital and hang out in the ICU. I have been lucky to have inculcated some true and deep friendships along the way, so I never feel like I lack someone to talk about the deep stuff. 3. I have, actually, struggled with this “meaning to life” shit. What am I working towards, that is. Usually people have children as a response to this existential thorn, I guess. I have made peace with working towards nothing, though. I like to pour myself into my teaching, since I feel like the knowledge I impart will outlive me. As well as to activism towards the issues I care about - LGBTQ rights, feminism, improvement of workplace culture for doctors and nurses in India, and so on.
I am 29 but your lifestyle is pretty much the one I'm working towards. My parents are exactly the same as yours and I expect a lot of harassment after I've sorted out my career in the US. One thing that I would like to ask you though, is the smoking up bit. I have been living in the US for a couple of years and weed is legal here, which makes me go overboard to a point where I'm not functional. Is that a problem you have faced? If you're single and away from your parents, the lack of accountability hits me pretty hard and I'm unable to control my urges. How have you dealt with keeping weed as part of your lifestyle without going too hard into it?
Okay. Umm, I don’t want to lean onto personal experience in this matter, I’ll just answer as a doctor who wants to help. Long answer, but I hope it helps. Point 1. So, all of us are susceptible to various substances due to varying factors - some of us more to cocaine, some of us more to weed, some of us more to heroine. Before you start using the substance, it’s important to isolate the “why” of why you are using it in the first place. For instance, I know I’m using it - for euphoria and chronic pain. You might be using it for relaxation, appetite and so on. Second thing to factor in, is “why not,” as in what factors exist for the argument that you should not use the substance in a certain quantity. Reasons can be money (expensive substance), or health impacts - like my concern is lung cancer, COPD, chronic bronchitis, and bronchiectasis. If you smoke your weed, at your age, these are the same considerations for you. The next step is making a choice and knowing why you made that choice, for instance, you don’t want COPD - so you decided, you’ll smoke only 2 grams a week. Then implementation, and replacement behaviours. For instance, I know I’m doing it for euphoria, so if I don’t want to build a tolerance which will lead to excessive substance consumption, I should give myself at least 2 days of break in a week. But, so that those two days are still good for me, I need to replace smoking up with a replacement behaviour that gives me the same emotion - in this case - euphoria. So maybe I’ll plan going out, or going to the beach. Something I like. Or a night with a few beers, drunk bowling with friends. But I always need to replace it with something that gives me euphoria - replacing it with working extra just won’t work. Point 2. If you struggle with controlling your urge to smoke, it’s best to figure out the “why do you smoke?” first. I am no psychiatrist or psychologist, so it may really really help to speak to one. Tell them clearly that you don’t want to quit, you want to make it sustainable. Secondly, for the same reason, I prefer to smoke at the end of the day. I hate doing house chores, so I do it high, but just high-enough, not bonkers. I go bonkers high just before sleeping, so that it’s a reward for getting everything done. Practice makes perfect, so maybe practice doing things that don’t require too much attention when you’re high? My house is fucking sparkling clean, I’ll tell you it’s crazy good to scrub small spots when your world is spinning around. ;) Point 3. Don’t worry about your parents. It’ll hurt you, when you’ll realize that your actions are genuinely hurting them - that’s the most difficult part, the guilt. And Indian parents guilt trip without even realizing that they are doing it. Just remember, it’s your life, and you’re not hurting anyone by living it the way you want. The hurt that your parents feel, will be because of dis-synchrony between the image they have of you in their head, and what the real you is. But you’ll get over it. More power to you to live and love your life! ✊🏼
Thanks a lot for that comprehensive answer! So I am actually seeing a therapist (have been for 2 years), and I have gotten a lot better with my weed consumption only recently. I'll skip the details that went behind my particular need to indulge, but it was mostly to do with escapism due to the resurfacing of a lot childhood trauma combined with my current bleak career situation. The way you broke down the 'why' and 'why not' aspect was similar to how my therapist also put it, but what really worked for me is me working on myself. It is hard work, I had to constantly keep evaluating myself and cross-question a lot of the natural thoughts that popped up in my head. Mindfulness is difficult thing to perfect but with enough practice and proactive effort it can happen. And indeed, my therapist told me to keep it sustainable as opposed to cold turkey stopping it as well. I guess I'm doing okay for now but it's possible that I can relapse later, following which I will certainly reabsorb your comment's wisdom haha! Thanks for your input though, a lot of the things you have said is exactly how I feel about things and it's great to see that one can be happy with those beliefs/practices. I'm certainly on the track of "no guilt" right now, wherein I'm trying not to feel guilty about going against my parents' wishes. It'll come to me in time, I'm sure. P.S - I read in another comment that you're passionate about feminism/LGBTQ causes. I'm passionate about them as well and would love to know if you've done any sort of tangible social work there. Thanks!
You’re doing great. And you’ll be more than fine, I am certain enough to bet my stash of weed on that. :) Especially good job getting into therapy early. I started therapy at 35ish, and learnt almost instantaneously, that I had mild-moderate autism. And I went like, ah fuck, that makes so much sense. I laughed for like 3 minutes straight. 😅 Therapy is really beneficial stuff. Good that you got a head start! 👍🏽 And yeah. We are an honour-centric society, it’s not easy to get rid of the guilt. But you will prevail. :) On a somber note, about tangible stuff - god knows, it feels like there’s no end to how much needs to be done. I’d love to share a few details, but anonymity prevents me. Usually I am happy being the money guy for young activists. They have the better ideas, and I can get them the better mics to speak it loud.
The reason I said I won’t lean onto personal experience is because, I’ve made mistakes along the way. I guess I was, when I was 29, facing the same issues as you. With cocaine though. I love the stims. As you can tell, with the euphoria thing. So. Life did get messy for a split second, had to steer it back. Edit 1. But, don’t worry. It’s not something that I regret. This phase in life? You’ll also not regret it in the future. The only thing I regret is smoking my first cigarette when I was 13. I wish I could reverse that.
Are you addicted to tobacco? Why regret about trying out cigarettes?
Yes. Sadly. That’s the only addiction I ever caught. But you know… I was a child when I started, and already a chain smoker at 18 when I first read it’s bad for you. Before that, it was all cool dhuan dhuan. 🤷🏾
What do you do for work? Are your friends unmarried as well?
1. Doctor, Assc. Professor at a teaching hospital. I specialise in Intensive Care. 2. No, nearly all of them are married. But unlike what others are commenting, my married friends like to hang out - as long as I pick them up from their homes, and drop them back home sober before 10 PM.
How old are you?
43.
Whom do you live with? How do get the necessary physical and emotional needs fulfilled without marriage? Are married couples who are your friends comfortable to be around a person like you?
1. I live alone, with my 2 dogs, and 2 cats. 2. I don’t have many emotional needs. If I’m feeling low or stressed, I usually talk it out to friends. Being loved always felt like a burden to me, so I’m happy to be liked, and it’s been enough for a long time. 3. Physical needs like food? I cook, or I order in. Like sex? I currently am in a relationship, with a rather busy person, so 3-4 dates a month, and maybe twice a week of sex. I used to get more sex when I was single, but I like this person. Like, really like this person. So, it’s alright. 😅 4. Married couples are quite okay with having me as a friend. I never felt that it was a barrier. Of course, there would be people who wouldn’t like to be friends with me because I smoke, smoke up, drink - but that’s got nothing to do with my unmarried status. Very surprisingly, I have 3 friends - currently- who have in the recent past trusted me enough to babysit. So…. I think that’s the ultimate litmus test as an unmarried male, and I passed it.
And how do you find someone to have a relationship with, at that age? And how old are they? They might wanna marry somewhere down the line.....
She is actually planning to get married this year! Not to me. Good for her, good for me. How old? 31. How did I find them? Met at an art exhibit thru a mutual friend, got into a heated conversation, asked if she’d have coffee with me, and here we are.
She is planning to have an arranged marriage? And umm, so you guys have a casual relationship? Nice way to meet someone. Sounds quite interesting tbh.
Bhai 43 tak sex milega week me 2 baar or month me 3 4 date toh koi bhi single reh lega bhai....
Inspirational sire!
About the babysitting part? Thanks yaar. But it’s actually more to their credit to be so nice and trusting. The first time I was requested, I felt so grateful that someone wasn’t seeing me as a weirdo. That’s progress towards normalizing not-marrying that they have made, not me - and I’m proud to call such people my friends! But to be honest, if I was a parent, I’d never leave my kids with a male friend. I mean… that would take so much trust ki utna trust hai hi nahi mere andar! I have not made enough progress, clearly, I’m still very much a Sharma uncle types in that regard. 😂
What! No.. i didn't even get to the babysitting part.. vo pehle ke kuch lines padhke hi i was like, ye hai asli zindagi!
Amy divorces or issues amongst your married friends? Or do they all seem happy and satisfied?
The daughter of one of my friends recently got divorced. Apart from her… I think they are all more or less happy. No one has ever earnestly told me that they wish they didn’t marry, to be honest. Many have told me that they wish they had waited a few more years for their first child. Lemme remember a second though. My cousin sister isn’t happy, she has a physically abusive husband. But she’s the only one I can think of, rest of them are happy-ish. They are okay and content.
So the person you are in a relationship with with doesn't want to marry either???
Doesn’t want to marry me. She wants to get married this year. But not to me. To someone else, arrange marriage styles.
We live in an uncaring universe.
👆🏾 this ladies and gentlemen is how you use substances to enhance your life! (Thanks btw for breaking from usual tropes about 🌿 smokers! It's great if you've cultivated a system to know where and how to beneficially use it in your life). Bravo!! >I have made peace with working towards nothing, though. I like to pour myself into my teaching, since I feel like the knowledge I impart will outlive me. As well as to activism towards the issues I care about - LGBTQ rights, feminism, improvement of workplace culture for doctors and nurses in India, My 2 cents is that you've essentially negated your first statement with your second. This is it - you've imputed a solid sense of meaning with the aforementioned endeavors.
Woah, good for you that you are satisfied with your choices! I was never a wanna-get-married-asap person, but I don’t want to end up alone either. Sounds like one sorry life.
It is a life. It isn’t too bad, but if it’s not your cup of tea, I’ll completely understand why. It does give me the creeps to think that my dogs and cats may eat my body if I die one day. Fuck, that’ll make a cool newspaper headline.
Did parents request you to marry?
Request is an understatement. They harassed me. And the use of past tense is an understatement, they are still alive, and they still try - their primary concern (now) seems to be that I’ll be all alone in my advanced age. Earlier their primary concern was that I was humiliating them in the society. They tried to guilt trip me often, and because I was very public about my relationships - they often tried to guilt trip the girl as well. Indian parents, I tell you. Recently, they also asked me if I was gay, and that it would be okay for them. Well, my parents are now in their 70s and I am happy about the amount of anguish it must’ve caused their homophobic selves to say that. :’) Well. So yes. Parents went crazy, still are. But eventually I learnt to not worry about what others say. Edit - Not gay, just doing my bit about the cause of making homophobic parents accept their children. :’)
Exactly I was about to get my marriage fixed with my girlfriend but the amount of guilt trip they gave to me and especially to my girlfriend that she started hating my parents eventually and we broke up because of this. I still can't bear the pain that my own parents were the reason for this.
>their primary concern (now) seems to be that I’ll be all alone in my advanced age. I'm curious, how do you expect to tackle that? I mean sure you can have freinds and gf but at some age you're only left with your wives and children . How do you plan for life in your 60s and beyond?
I am inclined towards unmarried life as well. Parents worrying how I'd do alone is an issue for me as well and they keep trying. One thing I don't have is friends to cope with loneliness and that is my worry! I'd like to make friends but i am too reserved...
Oh I see.
"Happy about the amount of anguish it caused them". Dude you may be happy but you're a psycho if you take pleasure in your parents' pain.
Lol that was the one statement I vibed with the hardest. I don't consider pain inflicted through confirmation of oneself's bigotry as pain at all. If you have shitty beliefs that are harmful for others and you feel victimized when that shitty belief is realized, you deserve that pain.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Destroyed in Seconds, but it is a reply on reddit xD
You don’t know him or the parents bud. If hes gone as far as to say harassed then they’re likely shitty people.’
They are misguided do-gooders. The people who do most damage, are often misguided self righteous ones. And my parents certainly qualify. Won’t wish them on anyone, though again, I do believe they were just trying to do what they thought was right.
Precisely my thoughts for my parents. They were misguided by some stupid relatives and eventually fucking up the relationship for everyone. I do believe they were trying to do what was right for them or they thought, but it wasn't actually
Psst, Regular Bro. A little bit of shadenfreude is typical to humanity, not exclusive to psychopaths.
Don't take it out of the context and learn to comprehend.
Do you get fomo when you look at other married couples? How do you deal with that?
Fomo isn’t the word really, but I do get a tinge of self-doubt when I see happy married couples, and especially kids. But then, I do get the same feeling when I see my colleagues driving Porsches and Jags. Eventually, I take a deep breath and remind myself that my choices are my own, and their choices are theirs. And I wouldn’t trade my life story for theirs, even if I am envious of some of the perks that come with making the choices they made.
Good for you. Nothing is a bed of roses. They have just as many difficult days as you do, perhaps with more responsibilities (problems) and different life experiences (kids)
True, true! I never think the grass is greener on the other side. People who are choosing parenthood, while actually being determined to do whatever it takes to be good parents, are very brave. Much more so than I’ll ever be. Grass ain’t greener perhaps, but babies are certainly cute, there’s no denying. I’m just a sucker for holding tiny hands, and listening to babies cackle. When it’s time to change diapers, I return them. :’)
Ha. Babies are amazing and cute. But they are also little rascals. Spoil your nephews and nieces and get best of both worlds
Don't want to sound like a prick, but does it get lonely sometimes. I could only guess your own family would alienate you(kudos to you if it isn't so). Just wanted to know how you are is all.
It does get lonely, but I am actually quite fine. Strangers, friends, colleagues, juniors - there’s a lot of compassion that comes your way if you only need a little bit of it, and my needs are very few. And yeah, my family alienated me when I was in my late 20s over marriage, took me back a few years later when they saw I wouldn’t budge.
pets ?
Yeah, right now I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. :)
I'm glaad you happy <3
Thank you! :)
What kind of work you do? And how peaceful is your life
1. I am a doctor. 2. Life is really peaceful. I actively avoid drama.
Dude I am way too similar to you. Though I am just 25 yet, where all have you travelled ? :D
I actually spent almost 15-20 years travelling only within India. I’ve been to all states except Gujarat, Tripura and Meghalaya. Then started travelling outside India only around 2014. And as a tourist, not much of a traveller, I’ve been to… Most of Western Europe, Russia (only Moscow though), China, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, Mexico, USA, UAE, Oman, Nepal, Bhutan, Sri Lanka. Japan and literally anywhere in Africa (without getting killed) is what I’m planning next. But lived for a short while in Germany, then Netherlands, and in between in Spain. And that’s the only bit I can confidently say that I’ve travelled. Rest are just, touch, click pics, booze and chill with locals, and bye bye.
This dude is living the way I want haha. 20 years from now probably I will be writing similar story on someone else's post. Cheers to you! <3 Have fun!
34, work in a psu, started investing at an early age of 23 and now have a decent sized portfolio, keep myself busy with gardening, web series and pc gaming. I stopped learning new skills because my job is kinda monotonous but it pays well. Occasionally i take on some small and exciting projects in my home like building a river tank or home automation and that keeps me happy. I'm also planning to start solo travelling but I'm an introvert so it's kinda difficult for me and my parents are getting old so they need my care 24/7.
Gardening, web series, introvert but interested in solo traveling and the most important, good pay with minimal stress!!! Thinking of never marrying, I'm 23 currently 👀 Is it my future self with a different reddit account??🙃😂
You know the pain of being an introvert but having a dream of trekking in the snowy mountains. I hate it 😭
Hey I am 23 and want to do investment. Can you help me how did you start?
refer to r/personalfinanceindia r/IndiaInvestments
Which PSU do you work for and how's the work pressure?
I work for a bank as a Senior Manager. Work pressure is less compared to what it used to be in my corporate job as a full-stack developer.
Why didnt you married until now?
life gave me some hard lessons that's why, why would that even matter?
Tell me about it? What were those hard lessons?
got cheated on and dumped when I was 20, then went into depression. Saw my sister getting married to a guy just because he got a 50 lpa package and my family was so proud of it, saw my uncle get left alone by his son after he got a job and decided he was too much of a burden for him. Lots of these things made me question whether there's even a thing like love that exists in the real world or if it is just a concept that only exists in movies.
> Saw my sister getting married to a guy just because he got a 50 lpa package and my family was so proud of it. You must be proud of your sister that she is in a good marriage. She just married a 50 LPA man, but that man is providing her with money so she can sacrifice a few years of her career to have babies together. I see no problem with that. For her and your parents. > saw my uncle get left alone by his son after he got a job and decided he was too much of a burden for him Parents have to understand that they don't make babies as a life insurance policy scheme. Parents create babies for their enjoyment and not the other way around. Your cousin can do whatever he wants to do and is not obliged to return and "serve" his father
Well good for them but i don't want that kind of relationship, i already have a transactional relationship with my organisation and don't want another in my home. I will happily die alone🤗
U dont see anything wrong with a women treating a man as a wallet? And what is the confirmation she isn’t going to just divorce him after she is done using him? U r extremely blind and ignorant for not seeing anything wrong in marrying a guy JUST because he has a 50lpa job
My Uncle had a younger cousin brother , when my uncle was 30 and his cousin bro was 25 , his cousin fell in love and requested his older cousin(my uncle) to get married so he can marry next. My Uncle revelaed that he doesn't want to get married he wants to get involved into social service as he was closely working with NGO. His cousin married happily Fast forward today , my uncle is 45 , all his frineds are married and have turned shelfish . They barely call or visit my uncle who helped them the most . His married friends and cousins who earlier would be welcoming and helping others are today concentrated only on their kids , they only care about themselves, buying a flat, car , land , when someone asks for help, they flat out lie as the wife may question them later. My uncle is currently the financial manager of a large NGO he was given this posistion since he had no children, nor he wanted extra money. He is very much respected and has frineds and wellwishers in every area he visits. Every women is like his mother / sister now , they feel comfortable sharing their pains with him. He enjoys this image of bhramachari , people consider him sacrificing his life and gains immense sympathy from females ( which came with the decision to be a bachlore) He looks very young and fit for his age , no belly , or tired face , he wakes up early and does his cooking and cleaning, he takes a walk and stays fit as no child preparing for school drama , eveyone can approach him young or old . And he never regretted not marrying even once. Regarding old age , he is appointed as a full time trustee of the Ngo due to his years of selfless work, he is been invited by many foreign NGOs who offer him citizenship , money and posistion which he respectfully rejected . He lives in a 1 room / 1 bedroom within the NGO campus and brings in a feeling of happiness and joy to everyone he interacts with As I grew older into my late 20s , I once asked him - "why mama ( uncle) you never got a mami( aunt)" , he giggled and said , "there are soo many happy mami's out there , but how many happy mama's?" Later I realised that marriage sometimes makes you snobbish , lazy , anxious about others, and self protective, which prevents you from looking outwards or working for the society. He also kindda still has this young-old man , boyish charm like bhoi or Rahul gandhi ,etc both unmarried
The man I pray for
He got a good point with very little happy mamas 🤣. Though in families, everyone will definitely prioritise their own needs first. That's how a family functions
Amen 🙌🙏 !!
When you meet him next say cheers to him from my side. What a man !!!!
I want to live like this. thank you for sharing
I see myself living like this in the future but i'm not sure if that would happen. I really wish I could do something for the society. Your uncle is a living legend.
A HS senior of mine is making a shit load of money, hooking up with beautiful women every month and constantly travelling. He takes care of his health and works out regularly. When people ask him who will look after him in old age, he just says he’ll join a high end retirement home. I know him well and he’s genuinely very happy with his life
What's his occupation?
27, work as a software developer at amazon. Amazon fucks me everyday, why would I need a wife
There's a difference between being fucked good and being fucked bad
Lmao ..
Dude 😂
Okay so i know someone and let’s call him K. I had met him on bumble and we’ve a significant age gap (20+). He’s 44 ish now. He is a project manager and very successful career wise. We had connected on a very very deep level regarding our lives, being a single child, responsibilities and our life’s outlook in general. All the time that we had spent together, we never had a single sexual/nsfw or anything of that sort of talk. We just loved spending time with each other even though it was all just us talking. So back to his life, When he was in his late 30s, he had met a woman with whom he had fallen in love. It was an arrange set up ish at first but then they genuinely started to feel for each other. They courted each other for 3-4 yrs and then something happened in the girl’s family and her brother was dead set against this relationship. So when the relationship got harder, he kind of started to see someone else from his office and broke it with her. Que to present, when things started to get a bit tough with the office lady, he started to see me. All this time i never had a clue that this office lady existed 🤡 he only told me when the lady was about yo call me and tell me everything. In the hindsight, I understand why he never wanted to meet me even though he always came to my city as his parents live here. K is a self loathing man but i almost pity him. He looks great but photoshops his pictures like he’s in his 20s, has an amazing career but loathes the fact that his parents didnt let him go to the US and ALSO he blames women for all his personal misery. His problem is that no woman is good enough for him and if they are they are “too young” but he’ll still continue to lie about his age and hiding his relationships. But yk, i really hope that he finds his person because it somewhat makes me sad. But the Moral of the story, dont be like K
That got pretty dark pretty quick
K seems to have other problems. I hope he finds resolution and peace inside, before he finds 'his person'. That's my read from your short comment. The next paragraph is entirely my _opinion_, not a fact. I'm 43 and I have seen enough relationships fall apart and destroy years of people's lives because the individuals in the relationship haven't managed to centre their own personas. Confident, secure individuals _can_ have loving, healthy relationships. Without internal security, things are bound to be stormy and rough. If you haven't had a relationship where your partner is a reliable and constant refuge from the chaos of the world, it is difficult to imagine a relationship without strife. As for the 20 year age difference, I don't think it matters. Age doesn't lead to maturity, so judging (or matching) people on the basis of a number is silly.
K definitely has/had other problems. I believe his unfortunate childhood story of riches to rags kind of really still affects him to the core. He wants someone like his mother but he is not willing to see that his mother is a sad woman in her own secluded life. I think there’s a saying right, “All women become like their mothers. That’s their tragedy. No man does, that is his.” He is unwilling to see the world in a more forgiving manner perhaps because the world wasnt so. Still doesn’t really justifies hurting the people who were the closest to him. I used to wonder how he hadn’t found _his person_ yet but then i really looked at him and knew why. Whatever it may be, I hope he finds love and the ability to forgive and be forgiven. Also, i mostly agree on the age difference part. I had never felt so in sync with someone while talking as much as I’d felt with him (except my current bf). But down the line, there would be a power imbalance which is an inevitable part of any age-gap relationship and no matter how much we deny, there always will be. As someone who had been groomed, i still wouldn’t ever recommend anyone on having such a huge age gap at especially at a very young age. If i were with him, I’ll be on my prime 30s and he would be a senior citizen. That’s really not healthy iykwim. But I also get that, it works for a lot of people and good for them. Love finds us in different ways.
> But down the line, there would be a power imbalance which is an inevitable part of any age-gap relationship and no matter how much we deny, there always will be I agree. In fact the power-gap is something to be cognizant of, even with a smaller age gap. I've seen the unintended consequences of it in a relationship with a two-year age difference. Of course, with a little recognition, maturity and ageing, it did diminish significantly. As the older person in that relationship, I was largely oblivious to its effects on my partner. Here's wishing peace, love and joy to K and yourself. Cheers!
dating a guy 20+ years older than is gross. red flag 🚩
He lied about his age at first, basically lying by omission. I only got to know about it after i searched him up on linkdin 🤡 i was just super dumb that i stayed with him even after knowing
I’ve seen many posts on Reddit that asks about unmarried folks or childless couples and I am yet to see 1 comment that says that they regret their decision. Something to think about.
Those who regret are not on reddit
Those who regret cry silently and are in therapy.
Not too bad. 43 unmarried. Making friends as I get older has been difficult. Other than the fact that most of my close friends are married and family-life affects their flexibility when it comes to hanging out with me, I really don't see any downsides to me being single. I never intended to "settle down". Kids were never on the cards. Even owning a house and a car are something I've avoided. I'm only okay with owning things if I'm not taking on large loans for them. Having very few responsibilities and liabilities, gives me the freedom to do the work that I feel like doing, even if it pays 1/4 of what my corporate job used to pay a decade ago.
If you want to look for friends check out bumble bff you might find like minded people on the app
What is a reason of you not marrying? Also one of the reasons your friends dont wanna hangout with you, is not just flexibility of time but they don’t relate to you as well. Try to make friends who are unmarried .
As I explained above, I didn't have a good reason **to** get married. The girl I was in a relationship with didn't care one-way or the other. There was some pressure from my parents when I was younger, but almost none as I got past my mid 30's. >Also one of the reasons your friends dont wanna hangout with you, is not just flexibility of time but they don’t relate to you as well. Try to make friends who are unmarried . I guess that's true. I have close friends but I have a lot less in common with them than I used to, back in college. What's interesting is that they don't have a lot in common with each other either. Being married and having children just changes priorities. Recently I had to run away from an alumni meet because all the conversations seem to be revolving around children's schools and boring things like that. I have a lot more in common with the married friends who've chosen not to have children. New friends, old friends... I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
This must be sad to go through, do you think you would want to have a marriage now? See we are a tiny spec in this universe and it's just the existence of a significant other who remembers our existence fully(if you are not one in the million like Ratan Tata or vivekanand) This spiritual emptiness of never being acknowledged by an other human being can be depressing and cause extreme loneliness
> This must be sad to go through, do you think you would want to have a marriage now? I'm not sure how marriage helps. I am open to finding a romantic partner though. I suspect I'll find a kindred spirit sooner rather than later. Loneliness, thankfully, isn't something that bothers me. Far from being depressing, I find it relieving. I'd rather be alone than tied down by the expectations of formal relationships. We are all different people.
Amazing
How is your daily life like? How to handle loneliness? How ild are you and what do you do for work?
Is it sarcastic? If not, then how did it become good
How diy it become good means? Is it necessary that you want to have a partner that you want to be good
Bhai English likhne ka tarika thora kazuel hai...to phirse hinglish me pucho
33 here don't want to get married. I am gonna invest so that I can retire peacefully. Probably will travel the world , try different foods and bang some escorts that's about it
Band some escorts , then get some stds and then die peacefuly ;)
Definitely wearing the rubber. If we could die peacefully from stds I wouldn't hesitate 🤣🤣.
Not STDs, but lsd if that's any better 💀
I loved the last part though 😃
I have a friend, roots from UP. His elder brother hadn't even seen the face of the girl and his parents said you're getting married in 2 months. When I saw her at the wedding day, I was taken aback by how beautiful she was. Bro doesn't come to hang out with us anymore (occasionally used to), has become a family man even before kids. I'd say he is pretty happy
How is this relevant to the question?
I think he/she misunderstood the question as “someone who didn’t marry by their own choice or got married by parents’ choice” [?]
True, bro might be Lil retarded like me
are ha re, maine bhi abhi theek se padha question
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Well probably if he's giving so much attention to her that he doesn't even come see these guys
The first question could be only answered by her, because we don't know if she wanted to be a housewife or wanted a career in something. If she did want to be a housewife then I'd say she too is happy. Their house is like the ones in soap operas, saas, bahu, two devars and there was another woman I forgot who, so she has enough company. She is educated, has a B. Com. For the other question, oh he changed 180 after the marriage. Is way more responsible, gets home on time and has been grooming himself well.
Ya it's necessary for getting some pleasure.
Salman Khan here. AMA on this topic
Can I ask for driving lessons from you ?
Sorry Deer
Best gun for hunting?
Jai gunesh
I have been in a relationship before but it didn't end well for me :( But being single after a relationship taught me the real meaning of freedom!! I don't have problem being alone. There are only two needs for me someone to take care of me while am sick and someone for my physical needs...hope musk releases fuck robots soon 🤞🏾
I’m 43 and not married. I still date women in my age group but haven’t really found anyone compelling enough to spend the rest of my life with. I’m happy when I’m by myself. Kids seem like an expensive hobby with no guarantee that they will be around when I’m old. Have a few good friends around. I stay fit and pursue my hobbies of travelling and learning new things. Grass is always greener on the other side. There are good marriages and bad marriages. My problem with marriage is that an exit route from a bad marriage is so so difficult, it just turns me off from the whole concept. Still open to the idea of finding someone. But the bar is high for that person in my head.
45, never married. My life is absolutely stress free. I am a creature of habit. Weekdays are busy with work anyways which I enjoy. Enjoy making my own breakfast, dinner etc,. Weekends visit coffee shops, concerts etc,. Travel and read when I can. Stay away from watching most Bollywood movies as there is no social/peer pressure to watch that crap. Great for mental health.
Excellent!! Thankfully from when I was 14 somehow I understood that marriage is an outdated concept. It's unnatural to expect for either the man or woman to believe that they will be in love with you for the rest of their lives, just because now they are married to you. Eventually everyone falls in love....again....and...again!! And then it just becomes a hypocritical relationship in which you're lying to each other all the time. I'm 45 now.....and I have never regretted not getting married. I will admit though that I have felt the pain of heart break on more than one occasion when I had to break up with girls I was truly in love, because I couldn't bring myself to partake in the social construct of marriage...and rightfully...the girls moved on. But overall....I love not ever having to lie to anyone, and being independent. Thanks
I guess for you it's going good because you were good-looking and charming enough to keep getting girls to stay with even after not marrying till that age. Most people marry because if they don't they will left alone completely without any GF.
Definitely not good looking!!! Being single has its own appeals to the girls though!
How do you find all these married women to have as GF though. I don't think most people are able to get even if they are want to. Ignore. You already answered in other comments
I've only had relationships with 3 married women. I met all 3 at work. I asked the first one out for lunch to restaurant I had heard she likes....and she enjoyed my company....and we took it from there. The 2nd girl had an incredible body....and I just couldn't resist telling her so!! She loved the compliment and we start going for lunches, and the occasional drink/dinner. My current girlfriend actually fell in love with me. She was a collegue....but far junior to me. I knew of her.....but she wasn't even in my purview. We had spoken a couple of times at company lunches etc....but that's it. After 2 years of being in love, she wrote a simple text to me one night, "I feel like saying something to you, but I just can't think of anything" !!! That's how it all started. The rest have all been single girls only.
I hold the same values. 20.
Do you regret not having kids?
Not really......I don't see life as a pleasant walk in the park.....so, I don't understand why I would want to bring someone fresh into this world and have them go through the struggles that all of us faced in our lives. Irrespective of how rich or successful we are.....in the end our life is governed by our struggles and failures. Be that financial, emotional, mental or physical. I don't see any need to force someone to come to this world and have them go through it, when they don't really need to.
Wow finally found someone , who has same outlook on life as me
a fellow antinatalist
How's your sex life genuinely asking
29 and single and I am at peace. But what annoys me is when outsiders/office people ask me questions like "when will you get married"
I am 27 and I get the same questions from my relatives and some friends.
Remind me! In 10 days
I wonder what people’s opinion will be, if they are happy being single, in their 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, when their parents are dead, and friends are dying one by one and every funeral you go to, you realize you’ve lost one more person, and you have to deal with those existential crises alone in your bed with a bottle of pills as your only companion. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter if you have hobbies and a strong mind. I get it. Marriage isn’t for everyone. And spouses die too. I’m just thinking out loud.
And spouses dying leaves in a worse state. Old age is generally all bad as you said but could be good if you are socially active and/or living for a cause. Basically nothing can be said or decided considering future in mind. Live in present and get married if you feel like you found someone with whom enjoy living in present moment.
I been married for 3 years and it's becoming rocky now and we are trying to figure out how to make up once we've argued. We don't talk for days sometimes. I ignore her calls during such times. And we don't have sex for weeks and it is frustrating during this time. So I watch porn and relieve myself but it's not enough. Sometimes I wish I didn't marry so early and also fleeting thoughts such as shall I just up and leave? I see my single colleagues doing lot of tinder and bumble and getting matched with hot girls, I get an instant pang of regret about my married status. So yeah not that great at the moment.
The grass is greener on the other side. The "hot" girls are usually more often than not crazy as well and full of themselves. It is not worth it or she wouldn't be single. The HUNT on Tinder is extremely tiring and makes you question everything about yourself.
Following
following
Bang bang bangity bang, bang bang bangity bang
There are lots of men who prefer to enjoy the solitude in India.
38 here, life's not good anyways.
I'm 26 I plan to never marry. It sucks but I'm a Dalit Software Engineer so no girl I meet is ever from my Caste and ofcourse these brahmin women wouldn't marry me. I cannot go for an arrange marriage as it feels weird and wrong . I didn't choose to not get married. I just know I won't be able to
Brother, Do your parents insist you on getting married ? Or are they supportive of your choice of being single?
They insist
Ok. My parents also do the same. My father is feeling very very Bad about me whenever I say I want to stay single and free. He calls me names and are Angry towards me.
I am relieved about not facing any problems that come with a married life. Like, I don't have a fear of failing to earn to spend on my child and wife. I am not required to earn so much so that I serve them plus my parents. It is a relief that I am not required to earn for so many. I am able to wake up late on more days that I could if I was married. Maybe that would not be an option if I was married. I am free of "criticism" that society gives on married individuals failing at anything in marriage. I can talk to any woman I like. I am a bachelor and that sounds nice. BUT what I miss is intimacy. There is something special about having a partner. You can be wild with them from time to time, and nobody ever questions what is going on between you. I miss that. I haven't experienced what it is like to live with a woman who will have me as a major part of her life. I can really grab her and wrestle with her. I think that feeling and option in life does some wonders. Overall I am okayish with being unmarried. There are good hits and a few misses.
45. Never married. 1 adopted kid, now 9. Working in senior management. Extremely happy with my life choices. Started off from 0. First investment 2k SIP in Franklin Bluechip. Current networth excluding primary residence: 5cr+. God has been extremely kind to put it mildly. Ours has always been a very liberal household so marriage pressure per se was never there. Plus what worked out well was most of my friends either never married or married but chose to have no kids.
You are very lucky to have been Born in such liberal family, mine is not that liberal they Insist me to get married. They don't care whether I want that or not.
Remind me! In 5 days
I'm amused that you think it's gonna take just 5 days for his situation to change
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Great if you have a partner, somehow the strings of marriage change expectations and the bond itself.
!remindme
Following
Remind me! In 3 days
I know a senior did his phd master's and bachelor in good stem field, did a job for a few months and tried going abroad for any postdoc activity and all being a research scientist. He truly lived the life of Into the wild, moving from one place to another finding people interacting with them . He always wanted to travel the world and meet strangers. Hr recognised that he can't do this all beign single comparatively :) He is 37 and my phd advisor at one of the iits and literally the coolest guy i know. I don't know why people say how do you handle the loneliness because probably he is the one guy who is most social and travel teach on his own terms I aspire to be like him in fulfilment. I recognise the marriage is not a RITE of passage but mostly someone you agree to spend rest of your life who aligns to your goal . Having seen many experience i truly live by this thought I am 28 and had so much life remaining, i can't see myself settling down. After my phd i probably would try to go abroad and understand and interact with different people
Its amazing. I can retire early.
There are two possible interpretations of the question : men who got married but not by choice , men who didn't marry on their own choice.
What's the point of an attractive woman if she has a horrible body. Most Indian woman don't work out I don't care if they are attractive. Body with high body fat percentage will look horrible even if she is attractive.
The question asked was why you don't wanna marry anyone but it seems like you answered why noone should marry you
Fine ! I am not looking for marriage. I can get easily married to a woman if I wanted to. I'm workin on my fitness, career right now so I want the same from woman. Asking for dowry is wrong and I don't believe in it but atleast she can do is stay in shape. I just said facts about Indians and India woman in general.
There are lots of women who work out and having a preference is not wrong. But the way you just shamed and called a woman disgusting for having some fat in her body is awful. It clearly shows how much you would value a woman beside you, not by her other qualities but the random mound of fat on her. Would hate to think how uncomfortable you'd make a pregnant woman feel or anyone suffering from a disorder. Please, don't try to act like you're forward thinking by stating "AT LEAST I THINK DOWRY IS WRONG!!" when you literally judge women so much on some stupid fat cells. I'm glad you're not interested in getting married. I would feel bad for the poor woman who eventually would age naturally and have other issues even if she was exercising and have such an unbearable person next to her.
You are not fit for marriage.
Lol! So men can't have standards 🤣🤣. You can come at me if I demanded dowry or lighter skin. I just need a phat ass, slim waist Indian woman with a decent personality.
You’re making your own case weak with those arguments. It’s not about what you want, it’s about your attitude. You have a long way to go.
He’s an incel who’s insecure about being Tamil and deciding to take it out on Indian women on the internet by calling them whores 😂
Alright bruh🤣.. What attitude? You should be angry at the dudes demanding tons of dowry not me. I'm just being straight forward with my requirements. I might not get a girl like that but its my opinion.
What does this have to do with the question?
Remind me! In 3 days
You in academia by any chance ?
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Remind Me in 7 Days!
Ambiguous question. Do you mean those who have chosen to never get married and have stuck with it, or those who got pressured into a marriage against their wishes?
Everyone says marriage is outdated, how they don't want to marry until they need extra help, for instance some guy was kidnapped by a rickshaw driver by spraying something in Mumbai, his wife was suspicious as he didn't call her, and immediately alerted police and located him, if he wasn't married and lived alone, nobody wouldn't bother to locate him. He was fine, but if she didn't find him, then he would have either lost some organs, or the life. So do yourself a favor and marry someone or at least have a family. People are not supposed to live alone.
And no married person has ever been kidnapped or hurt in any way whatsoever? What BS is this.
lol no, I meant when you are married there are more people around you than living alone. The more the people better in a country like India where connections really matter.
No woman is worth the pain. They just look at your bank balance and looks. Haven’t met anyone who wants to put in even the minimal effort to get to know you. These days everyone wants a rich, handsome party guy 🤦♂️
Bhai anniversary jayadad mere name pe like de 🤣🤣