What things interest you? Join groups and meet ppl with similar interests. Book clubs, church, art classes, college classes, gaming groups, gyms, sports, etc.
Friends and family members with similar interests as you might be able to introduce you to their friends.
Try Free dating sites like the free Christian dating site and others, instead of hook-up sites like tinder. :)
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It's partially by choice, I mean if I wanted to run out for a meaningless hookup I certainly could. I've had offers before, but I've never really had anyone have much of an interest in dating me. And primarily that is what I would be looking for. I'm not into meaningless sex and I would definitley need to work my way up to sex, not start there.
I can definitely appreciate not being after meaningless sex and wanting that build-up if it were to happen. That parts very relatable. You say you never really had anyone have much interest in dating you… I assume that means you’ve made attempts at dating (ie: asking people out, going on dates, etc)? Or are you more saying that no one’s taken the initiative to express an interest in dating you?
I have asked a few people out over the years. I've been on dating apps for almost 10 years now. I've never had anyone in person express any interest in me, and my dating app experience has been... dry to say the least. Obviously ones like tinder and bumble and hinge require the other person to also swipe right and I don't find myself getting matches often. When I do they never respond to messages, so they're either really shy or a robot (my bet is robot). I won't act like I'm the most forward person, I'm fairly shy myself, and I don't drink so I don't really go out to bars or the typical places people tend to meet others for dating purposes.
I've never really been a big drinker, like I'll have a drink or two with a meal of I'm out socially but like, I don't really drink to get inebriated so for me a bar/club just inst something I find appealing. They're dirty, sticky, and loud. Also as much as I've tried to work on my self confidence, I'm still not sure I'm at a point where I could approach someone, though maybe someday soon. I honestly don't feel like I'd mesh well with someone who enjoys a party life either so I'm not sure it's the best place to find someone for me in the first place.
Oh, sorry, I more meant the lack of dating in general, not the bar/club/drinking part. I also don’t drink or enjoy bars/clubs, so I can definitely relate there. If that isn’t who you are, there’s no reason to change that unless you want to one day. It can be a little limiting in that it’s one fewer social place to interact with someone, but it’s by no means necessary to be able to date or interact
I feel kind of both ways about it... on one hand there's so much pressure in dating it seems like and so much of a time commitment to another person, and my life stays fairly busy so I don't hate not having to make that time... but on the other hand, it would be nice to have someone to care about and do things with. Someone to go out to a nice dinner, or go to the beach with, or heck even go on vacations or have as a date to a wedding. Or just lay at home in bed and watch movies with.
I'm rambling a bit but I guess I'm not against dating but neither is it something I seek after fervently. I'm kind of just in the middle.. open to it but not chasing it down like I need it. If that makes any sense at all....
Confidence goes a long way, even false confidence that you just project and don’t feel. Once you step into the shoes of being more charismatic and it can actually become a part of you.
Speaking as someone that was a fatass as a teenager and still somehow managed to get sex.
Agreed confidence is key. I met my wife through a mutual friend. We went to the grocery store together as a group after getting off his boat to get stuff for grilling so we could go back to his house to cook and swim. We were separated for a minute in the store and I grabbed a 24 pack of toilet paper and threw it on my shoulder and found her around the corner and confidently told her “well I’m ready to go.” Almost 20 years later we are still together and great. I have no clue how many women that would have scared off 😂
I love that! Sounds like you both would be fun people to be around... and to me, the toilet paper is just practical after all day on a boat with a barbecue on the way 😂 I'd just see that as you being a logical thinker and planning ahead.
I won't say I'm the most confident person ever, definitley have my fair share of hangup, but I neither am I hiding away... its definitley something I'm working on more, and it's a day by day build for sure. My issue is more that I just don't want to get with a stranger fir a hookup I want a meaningful relationship and I just haven't managed to find that yet.
I did grow up religious which still plays a pretty major role in holding me back from being able to figure out my life and my way in the world, but it wasn't a cult any nore than any other mainstream religion is.
Yes, and no... like I'm glad I haven't just done it for the sake of it and then ended up regretting the situation just because I wanted to check a box, but then also like I went through my whole college experience, and my entire 20s and I feel like I may have missed out on alot, especially in regards to like the people/age group I was with and also like the fact that most people are in long term relationships now by my age and I feel like I may have missed out on that chance, because people my age always complain about the "good ones being taken" which doesn't seem entirely inaccurate, though mist likely not the whole truth.
So yeah I do regret not getting to explore and have fun in college with hot college people but also like, glad I didn't do something I regret too...
Hey, man I just stumbled across this sub, and I know this is 9 days old. I just wanted to say that I know how you’re feeling, but that some of those things you’re imagining happening in college is really glamorized. I went to the military right after high school, and when I got out in my mid-20s I felt the same way. Like I’d missed out on so much shit and when were all these times with the hot girls on the beach or lake supposed to happen?
Turns out that that simply isn’t (most of the time) reality, and even if it were, would you like it? It would have been loud, sticky, gross, and more.
I’m married now, so I can’t speak to that end, but I can say that on the other side of that military experience I sought out some of those things that I “missed”. Yup. Turns out I’m still a massive introvert that would rather stay home, but now I feel gross having done those things. (Not anymore, I’ve moved on, but at the time.)
Anyways, I don’t know if any of that made sense, it’s early here and I didn’t sleep much. I just kind of connected with what you said.
Yeah I definitley see what you mean... I more with the missing out feel like I missed out on like the stage of people, like that young, attractive point in people's lives and getting to be with them at that point. Also like the whole like "young love" and first date and first kiss... all the firsts most people have as teens and I'm 30 where people tend to be more experienced.
I definitley realize that like you I'm an introvert and alot of things would still be the same, but also I wonder if I wouldn't be quite so introverted, or struggle with feeling attractive as much if I hadn't gone this long... if any of that makes sense lol
Yeah, man. That all makes plenty of sense to me. I also struggle with body issues and stuff. To be honest with you, if I hadn’t gotten together with my wife when I did, I’d probably be in the same boat as you. Maybe that’s why your story resonated with me. I don’t like the idea of hook ups. Sex without love just feels completely pointless to me. Part of that is probably the religious upbringing, but also just personal feelings towards that kinda stuff. I know it seems like everyone just wants hookups these days, but there are people out there like us still too.
To your point of young love, attractiveness, and all that. That’s relative. My wife to me is even hotter to me now at 30 than she was at 20. Like, yeah, she was skinnier back then, but I was also a buff Marine back then too, I got the dad bod going on now lol. Idk. Also, man, I gotta remember too; 30 is still so young in the grand scheme of things.
Well I'm glad you found her, I try to be strong and confident when I can about this stuff but I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's hard being 30 and feeling like nobody (besides family) has ever really loved you or found you attractive.
I share you're aversion to hookups, the whole idea of it isn't my style. And it's probably a mix of religious upbringing and personal ideology for me as well.. but if I'm going to sleep with someone there needs to be a connection.
I know when I'm 70 ill look back at 30 and think about how young I was and how I thought I was so old just like I did now looking back at 20, but but by any metric I'm certainly late to the game on alot of things in my life, and while I know people say to run your own race, and not to worry about other people, it's still kind of hard watching people fall on love, get married, have kids, start lives and still being over here like " I've never even held hands".
I guess if this was the only thing I was behind on it would bother me less, bur I was always an overachiever and I guess part of me just hates not keeping up.
I honestly don't know, I don't think sex is as big of a deal for me as it is for some people, but I do think about it... this is a question I have wondered myself, but I haven't been able to find enough information to really make a good determination either way.
People who have never tasted a hot fudge sundae (or whatever) also don't think that hit fudge sundaes are "as big a deal for them as it is for some people"
Perhaps if you took the leap with less than your ideal situation you may just enjoy the "hot fudge sundae" enough to motivate you to try and find an even better hot fudge sundae for the next time.
If not. You haven't lost anything. Well.. perhaps one thing..But it's not a thing you probably would want forever anyway.
Good luck
I mean that's a fair point, but I also feel like I was never as like sexually minded as the kids I grew up around.. like so eager for it, and how people make really bad decisions all in the name of sex... I mean alot of people race into their first time not knowing if they'll like it or not but they still can't stand the idea of waiting longer to do it so.... who knows you could be right...
Well at 30 I would say you have avoided "bad decisions"
If you are content with your choices then good for you. As long as you are comfortable with them.
It is really nobody's business but your own. But if you are happy being a thirty year old whatever you are then good on you.
Not really sure what you want from this forum.
Again. Best of luck to you.
To be honest, ive thought that myself lately, next time I go to the doctor it is on my list to request that test for sure.... because I have a couple suspicions about that being an issue
I know they wouldn't be meaningless to me, but I can't speak for the other person... I guess sex is just a big deal for me at least right now, and I think a one night stand would be too many conflicting emotions for me to handle especially for a first time.
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I do masturbate and watch porn, alot less frequently than I used to though. I'd say usually only once or twice a week, some rare weeks might hit 3x on a week but that's definitley uncommon.
I do think about like nudes and I spend alot of time on reddit looking at pictures, and I definitley get a physiological response from ot, but I don't spend alot of time thinking about having sex with other people... though I do have some fantasies o think about but have never acted on.
Let’s say for whatever reason, whether you gave into peer/societal pressure or youve actually decided you want to try a hookup, do you think you’d be nervous? I was like that when I still hadn’t mentally lost my virginity (I was pretty much raped the first time) but even if I wanted to finally experience it I think I’d be so anxious and nervous I felt it wasn’t even worth it. Gradually got more used to it the more times I did it with people I really desired and trusted.
I'd be so far beyond nervous, I'm naturally somewhat of an anxious person to begin with and I know alot of the things that could go poorly, I also have a tendency to be a people pleaser so I stay pretty concerned about getting into a situation and then ending up doing things I'm not comfortable with or never wanted to just to make the other person happy, because they're having sex with me in the first place. I feel like I would need someone that I trusted and was very attracted to for alot of the same reasons. Which is why growing up I always liked the idea of being really good friends with someone first, the whole "friends to lovers" trope, that way I already developed that trust and emotional connection that just deepend rather than someone who doesn't care or respect me and just wants sex the way they want it.
I wouldn't consider myself like revoltingly unattractive, but no I would not consider myself like very conventionally attractive. No one would be like sneaking pictures of me in public or like pointing me out to their friends as a "hot guy", but neither would I inspire revulsion... if that makes any sense.
I struggle alot with my own self image so I'm not the best judge of how I look, but I try to be objective.
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Well at least you’re not 40 🤣
What things interest you? Join groups and meet ppl with similar interests. Book clubs, church, art classes, college classes, gaming groups, gyms, sports, etc. Friends and family members with similar interests as you might be able to introduce you to their friends. Try Free dating sites like the free Christian dating site and others, instead of hook-up sites like tinder. :)
Where r u living fucking pakistan
Nope, the old USA born and raised.
What state?
Virginia now, grew up in California.
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Has this been by choice? Or if not, what do you think has contributed to it?
It's partially by choice, I mean if I wanted to run out for a meaningless hookup I certainly could. I've had offers before, but I've never really had anyone have much of an interest in dating me. And primarily that is what I would be looking for. I'm not into meaningless sex and I would definitley need to work my way up to sex, not start there.
I can definitely appreciate not being after meaningless sex and wanting that build-up if it were to happen. That parts very relatable. You say you never really had anyone have much interest in dating you… I assume that means you’ve made attempts at dating (ie: asking people out, going on dates, etc)? Or are you more saying that no one’s taken the initiative to express an interest in dating you?
I have asked a few people out over the years. I've been on dating apps for almost 10 years now. I've never had anyone in person express any interest in me, and my dating app experience has been... dry to say the least. Obviously ones like tinder and bumble and hinge require the other person to also swipe right and I don't find myself getting matches often. When I do they never respond to messages, so they're either really shy or a robot (my bet is robot). I won't act like I'm the most forward person, I'm fairly shy myself, and I don't drink so I don't really go out to bars or the typical places people tend to meet others for dating purposes.
That makes sense. Is it something you want to change or wish was different?
I've never really been a big drinker, like I'll have a drink or two with a meal of I'm out socially but like, I don't really drink to get inebriated so for me a bar/club just inst something I find appealing. They're dirty, sticky, and loud. Also as much as I've tried to work on my self confidence, I'm still not sure I'm at a point where I could approach someone, though maybe someday soon. I honestly don't feel like I'd mesh well with someone who enjoys a party life either so I'm not sure it's the best place to find someone for me in the first place.
Oh, sorry, I more meant the lack of dating in general, not the bar/club/drinking part. I also don’t drink or enjoy bars/clubs, so I can definitely relate there. If that isn’t who you are, there’s no reason to change that unless you want to one day. It can be a little limiting in that it’s one fewer social place to interact with someone, but it’s by no means necessary to be able to date or interact
I feel kind of both ways about it... on one hand there's so much pressure in dating it seems like and so much of a time commitment to another person, and my life stays fairly busy so I don't hate not having to make that time... but on the other hand, it would be nice to have someone to care about and do things with. Someone to go out to a nice dinner, or go to the beach with, or heck even go on vacations or have as a date to a wedding. Or just lay at home in bed and watch movies with. I'm rambling a bit but I guess I'm not against dating but neither is it something I seek after fervently. I'm kind of just in the middle.. open to it but not chasing it down like I need it. If that makes any sense at all....
Confidence goes a long way, even false confidence that you just project and don’t feel. Once you step into the shoes of being more charismatic and it can actually become a part of you. Speaking as someone that was a fatass as a teenager and still somehow managed to get sex.
Agreed confidence is key. I met my wife through a mutual friend. We went to the grocery store together as a group after getting off his boat to get stuff for grilling so we could go back to his house to cook and swim. We were separated for a minute in the store and I grabbed a 24 pack of toilet paper and threw it on my shoulder and found her around the corner and confidently told her “well I’m ready to go.” Almost 20 years later we are still together and great. I have no clue how many women that would have scared off 😂
I love that! Sounds like you both would be fun people to be around... and to me, the toilet paper is just practical after all day on a boat with a barbecue on the way 😂 I'd just see that as you being a logical thinker and planning ahead.
I won't say I'm the most confident person ever, definitley have my fair share of hangup, but I neither am I hiding away... its definitley something I'm working on more, and it's a day by day build for sure. My issue is more that I just don't want to get with a stranger fir a hookup I want a meaningful relationship and I just haven't managed to find that yet.
Some kind of cult?
I did grow up religious which still plays a pretty major role in holding me back from being able to figure out my life and my way in the world, but it wasn't a cult any nore than any other mainstream religion is.
Well, in my opinion, ALL religions are cults….
I won't argue that point. Not exactly on good terms with organized religion myself anymore.
That is by definition false. “Cult” has a definition, and it is not the same as “religion”.
Shocking, one of the most mainstream opinions on Reddit:
I was 31 when I lost mine. I regret waiting so long. Do you?
Yes, and no... like I'm glad I haven't just done it for the sake of it and then ended up regretting the situation just because I wanted to check a box, but then also like I went through my whole college experience, and my entire 20s and I feel like I may have missed out on alot, especially in regards to like the people/age group I was with and also like the fact that most people are in long term relationships now by my age and I feel like I may have missed out on that chance, because people my age always complain about the "good ones being taken" which doesn't seem entirely inaccurate, though mist likely not the whole truth. So yeah I do regret not getting to explore and have fun in college with hot college people but also like, glad I didn't do something I regret too...
Hey, man I just stumbled across this sub, and I know this is 9 days old. I just wanted to say that I know how you’re feeling, but that some of those things you’re imagining happening in college is really glamorized. I went to the military right after high school, and when I got out in my mid-20s I felt the same way. Like I’d missed out on so much shit and when were all these times with the hot girls on the beach or lake supposed to happen? Turns out that that simply isn’t (most of the time) reality, and even if it were, would you like it? It would have been loud, sticky, gross, and more. I’m married now, so I can’t speak to that end, but I can say that on the other side of that military experience I sought out some of those things that I “missed”. Yup. Turns out I’m still a massive introvert that would rather stay home, but now I feel gross having done those things. (Not anymore, I’ve moved on, but at the time.) Anyways, I don’t know if any of that made sense, it’s early here and I didn’t sleep much. I just kind of connected with what you said.
Yeah I definitley see what you mean... I more with the missing out feel like I missed out on like the stage of people, like that young, attractive point in people's lives and getting to be with them at that point. Also like the whole like "young love" and first date and first kiss... all the firsts most people have as teens and I'm 30 where people tend to be more experienced. I definitley realize that like you I'm an introvert and alot of things would still be the same, but also I wonder if I wouldn't be quite so introverted, or struggle with feeling attractive as much if I hadn't gone this long... if any of that makes sense lol
Yeah, man. That all makes plenty of sense to me. I also struggle with body issues and stuff. To be honest with you, if I hadn’t gotten together with my wife when I did, I’d probably be in the same boat as you. Maybe that’s why your story resonated with me. I don’t like the idea of hook ups. Sex without love just feels completely pointless to me. Part of that is probably the religious upbringing, but also just personal feelings towards that kinda stuff. I know it seems like everyone just wants hookups these days, but there are people out there like us still too. To your point of young love, attractiveness, and all that. That’s relative. My wife to me is even hotter to me now at 30 than she was at 20. Like, yeah, she was skinnier back then, but I was also a buff Marine back then too, I got the dad bod going on now lol. Idk. Also, man, I gotta remember too; 30 is still so young in the grand scheme of things.
Well I'm glad you found her, I try to be strong and confident when I can about this stuff but I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's hard being 30 and feeling like nobody (besides family) has ever really loved you or found you attractive. I share you're aversion to hookups, the whole idea of it isn't my style. And it's probably a mix of religious upbringing and personal ideology for me as well.. but if I'm going to sleep with someone there needs to be a connection. I know when I'm 70 ill look back at 30 and think about how young I was and how I thought I was so old just like I did now looking back at 20, but but by any metric I'm certainly late to the game on alot of things in my life, and while I know people say to run your own race, and not to worry about other people, it's still kind of hard watching people fall on love, get married, have kids, start lives and still being over here like " I've never even held hands". I guess if this was the only thing I was behind on it would bother me less, bur I was always an overachiever and I guess part of me just hates not keeping up.
Are you asexual?
I honestly don't know, I don't think sex is as big of a deal for me as it is for some people, but I do think about it... this is a question I have wondered myself, but I haven't been able to find enough information to really make a good determination either way.
People who have never tasted a hot fudge sundae (or whatever) also don't think that hit fudge sundaes are "as big a deal for them as it is for some people" Perhaps if you took the leap with less than your ideal situation you may just enjoy the "hot fudge sundae" enough to motivate you to try and find an even better hot fudge sundae for the next time. If not. You haven't lost anything. Well.. perhaps one thing..But it's not a thing you probably would want forever anyway. Good luck
I mean that's a fair point, but I also feel like I was never as like sexually minded as the kids I grew up around.. like so eager for it, and how people make really bad decisions all in the name of sex... I mean alot of people race into their first time not knowing if they'll like it or not but they still can't stand the idea of waiting longer to do it so.... who knows you could be right...
Well at 30 I would say you have avoided "bad decisions" If you are content with your choices then good for you. As long as you are comfortable with them. It is really nobody's business but your own. But if you are happy being a thirty year old whatever you are then good on you. Not really sure what you want from this forum. Again. Best of luck to you.
You might want to get your testosterone checked.
To be honest, ive thought that myself lately, next time I go to the doctor it is on my list to request that test for sure.... because I have a couple suspicions about that being an issue
For what it’s worth, I’ve had my share of one night stands and I wouldn’t say any one of them were meaningless. It is what you make of it.
I know they wouldn't be meaningless to me, but I can't speak for the other person... I guess sex is just a big deal for me at least right now, and I think a one night stand would be too many conflicting emotions for me to handle especially for a first time.
That's ok, I am too. Sex is overrated and disgusting anyway.
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Do you masturbate? Do you Watch porn? Do you Think about women/men/whoever you are attracted to in a sexual manor often?
I do masturbate and watch porn, alot less frequently than I used to though. I'd say usually only once or twice a week, some rare weeks might hit 3x on a week but that's definitley uncommon. I do think about like nudes and I spend alot of time on reddit looking at pictures, and I definitley get a physiological response from ot, but I don't spend alot of time thinking about having sex with other people... though I do have some fantasies o think about but have never acted on.
Let’s say for whatever reason, whether you gave into peer/societal pressure or youve actually decided you want to try a hookup, do you think you’d be nervous? I was like that when I still hadn’t mentally lost my virginity (I was pretty much raped the first time) but even if I wanted to finally experience it I think I’d be so anxious and nervous I felt it wasn’t even worth it. Gradually got more used to it the more times I did it with people I really desired and trusted.
I'd be so far beyond nervous, I'm naturally somewhat of an anxious person to begin with and I know alot of the things that could go poorly, I also have a tendency to be a people pleaser so I stay pretty concerned about getting into a situation and then ending up doing things I'm not comfortable with or never wanted to just to make the other person happy, because they're having sex with me in the first place. I feel like I would need someone that I trusted and was very attracted to for alot of the same reasons. Which is why growing up I always liked the idea of being really good friends with someone first, the whole "friends to lovers" trope, that way I already developed that trust and emotional connection that just deepend rather than someone who doesn't care or respect me and just wants sex the way they want it.
Would you consider yourself conventionally attractive? Like would you say a decent amount of women would find you attractive??
I wouldn't consider myself like revoltingly unattractive, but no I would not consider myself like very conventionally attractive. No one would be like sneaking pictures of me in public or like pointing me out to their friends as a "hot guy", but neither would I inspire revulsion... if that makes any sense. I struggle alot with my own self image so I'm not the best judge of how I look, but I try to be objective.
I are you male?
I am male yes
If you‘ll will wait longer you one day will die and on your gravestone one will read: Ungebraucht zurück!
"Returned unusused" accurate yet slightly poetic way of describing it haha
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