He was single because he was socially fucked, had no personality and when he drank he didn’t get confidence, he just got angry at people and wanted to fight his mates for some reason.
He eventually did get a girlfriend who hates all of his friends and now none of us speak to him at all and I don’t even know what he’s doing.
School usually. They grew up in the same grade as their friends, and even though they have a lot of weird tendencies that make starting friendships hard they are "great friends once you get to know them".
No personality is essentially having nothing to say about yourself. You're just..Grey.
No past experiences/shared experiences to relate to like high school prom, football games, first crush, first time, first heartbreak, family drama etc.
No interests, no favorite anything, majority of questions are met with "idk/nothing/not really."
Difficult to even have a conversation on opposite interests cause you either have such a small specific interest that no one knows/cares about it, or you take any conflicting interests as *debates.*
Basically, you have nothing to contribute about yourself to the conversation that is all about getting to know you. All instant conversation killers.
The fix? Make yourself colorful. Think about the stuff you used to enjoy as a child. Would you pick up some of those things again as an adult? Any sports you like to watch/play or skills you ever wanted to learn? Future aspirations? Its hard to think about ourselves sometimes, especially if you* don't think too high of yourself to begin with. But once you're able to get a good idea of who YOU are, itll be easier to tell others too.
Horribly abrasive personality.
My buddy is like this. He’s immature, arrogant, blameless, insecure, holds grudges, socially unaware and awkward, has a short temper with no filter, interrupts people constantly, comes across as a “know it all”, and above all is fucking contrarian as fuck. Nobody is correct about anything or has good ideas. Only him.
Just a horribly abrasive personality. Been friends for a long time and tbh in many ways he’s a really good dude but he is definitely single because of his horribly abrasive personality.
I've got one of these.
He's great at his job, good sense of humor, and has a ton of interesting hobbies. But he's defensive as hell and extremely standoffish in even the most insignificant of discussions. His opinion is law and everyone else is wrong.
I feel bad for the guy but also don't. All he wants is a stable relationship but his standards are high and he can be extremely difficult to be around unless everything is perfect in his eyes... and that could all change at a moment's notice. He really could use a good long look at himself. Or therapy.
This reminds me of myself a bit. I would say that the difficult part of not defending oneself is the negative feeling of being bested if you don't, but that's just insecurity.
And pride. Many discussions with my own friend end up in me saying “dude, it’s ok to admit you’re wrong sometimes, for fucks sake”
Dude has no idea how beneficial it would be to be more humble and less of a pompous fucking asshole. It’s off putting to women to say the least
>^(He’s immature, arrogant, blameless, insecure, holds grudges, socially unaware and awkward, has a short temper with no filter, interrupts people constantly, comes across as a “know it all”, and above all is fucking contrarian as fuck. Nobody is correct about anything or has good ideas. Only him.)
>***...in many ways he’s a really good dude***
Okay, I have to ask: How??
I've run into lots of people who are extremely rude, abrasive, and arrogant, but are also somehow incredibly generous and trustworthy.
Tsundere friends basically.
“All right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?”
“He’s fuck ugly”
“Or, he doesn’t want you to see his face”
“‘Cause he’s fuck ugly”
> I could never say anything though because it would break his heart
You know what was a bigger heartbreak than the one time my buddy sat me down and said "bro what the fuck is your deal?"
The immediate realization that I was 20 and hadn't known about these things, nobody told me about them, and I went through my most formative years with problems that could've been fixed a lot sooner had someone actually said something.
Food for thought.
We had to do this to one of our friends in college. Nobody had even told the dude that he needed to shower daily, wear deodorant, and brush his teeth. So we took him to a Walgreens and got him set up with a hygiene kit and even made him come with us when we took our showers (it was a locker room with multiple stalls).
It was awkward as fuck but it really turned his life around. He went from being the stinky kid as a freshman to being one of the best dressed dudes in our group by the time we where seniors.
I hope, as a friend, you are telling him this.
Trust me - having been that guy, who is not exactly a looker and also has/had a bunch of glaring personality issues, the first 20 years of my life where nobody told me about these things were not fun, and when I did finally get that information, it soured a lot of my friendships because I was, and still am, quite resentful at the fact that these "friends" knew before I did and just... never told me.
I wish my friends were telling me that, would make more sense, but apparenly i am awesome, funny etc, according to my best mates wife im the most normal and likeable friend hes got. but im soo single i dont actually know how not to be.
We didn't tell our "abrasive" friend about his personality issues because he was such a spiteful dick he'd have absolutely laid into someone for it. No one liked him enough to put their own happiness on the line for someone we were sure would slowly phase out of our lives over time - largely by design.
If you're someone who is consistently mean, then the fair assumption is you'll be mean if you're given criticism. It's frankly not your friends' problem!
In my group, there's this guy who has been single his whole life. His getting to 40, without ever having a single relationship, even a one night stand. It's not my business, so I never asked him anything, but the girls in the group had a betting pool going on, the two options deemed most likely were "he's gay" and "he just doesn't tell us".
A couple of months ago he told us he got his first crush ever. Turns out the guy just never saw a woman he liked before and so he didn't bother dating.
I'm honestly in awe.
Sadly it didn't work out. But he became more confident with himself, started taking more care of his looks and the transformation was impressive.
He basically went from random guy #2094929 to a guy who gets noticed whenever he enters a pub. If there's another woman he likes in the whole world, he's gonna get her.
I think a lot of dudes (people really) need to get higher standards, especially for emotional stuff cause holy hell are some people way too willing to stay with a parade of red flags just out of fear that they can’t do better
I’m pretty much him but a 42 year old woman. It takes a lot for me to get Interested in someone the way that other people seem to do after meeting someone and having a spark. Wish I was different.
Same girl. Even when I do come across that special guy or gal who's more appealing than binge watching Law and Order with my dogs, having a "spark" is something I almost stumble and fall over after the fact.
I was close (and platonic!) friends with someone for almost twenty years before I realized "holy shit, I think I love you and you might be the one".
They weren't.
TLDR; *I ain't see nothin' I like*...
I'm exactly like that guy. Half of my female friends think I'm gay, and that's completely fine with me, I couldn't care less for sexual orientation, relationships and such.
Not that big of a deal. I was in a serious relationship in high school and then broke up when I was 19 and I didn't get into a relationship until I was 29. Been in one for the past 7 years. It will come when it comes natural. My friends literally asked me what's wrong with me and I just said due to family issues and My crazy Life I just don't have the urge. Once I just started to focus on my life and live in the moment I met my fiance.
I'm kinda that guy. I'm a 7/10 so not the best catch in the world, but better than many and genuinely caring. I'm not a bad boyfriend, but I don't care to date unless it really adds value to my life and I'm quite comfortable being single. I'm mid 30s and only been in one long term relationship (just ended) and been on a handful of dates in life with others.
Problem is not getting dates. It's keeping them. Turns out that all those bad relationships you have teach you things that may be blindingly obvious to any normal person with relationships, but are not obvious if you haven't. So the few times I have dated, I haven't been able to cope and some problems could have been resolved with more experience/emotional maturity (some were straight up compatibility problems)
I'm not making embarrassing problems before someone thinks that this is a plot of a comedy film and I'm quite emotionally intelligent in regular life, but relationships have different needs to friendships and work relationships, and if you lack experience in something like that it's a disadvantage. Also, at some point, women think a mid thirties guy with the dating experience of an early twenties guy is a turn off, and I would agree, they want someone more mature.
My stepbrother was like that. He didn’t even make time for dating until he was like, 25 or 26. Just was always stressed about having a good job and having his stuff together. He finally met a woman and she totally rocked his world round. Literally. She’s like, 8? Years older than him and has a 10 year old daughter, and he just was smitten from the getgo. He literally quit everything he was doing to make some smoothie business dream of hers a reality, and they had a baby last year, and they’re struggling but making it work. It was nuts. We all just are like, alright! What a rollercoaster out of the blue! Some people are just waiting for the right person and literallly nothing can stop that chemistry from trying to make it work when it happens, it seems. Lol.
I'm amazed how some guys don't really care about getting physically intimate with a women or have such a high selectivity as a condition of getting intimate
I know I left many scratching their heads, including my wife until she got through my dense shell.
Probably hurt some feelings if I’m honest with myself.
That would be me. Single by default. I’ve really put a lot of effort into meeting someone over the years and not just swiping on an app. Trying new activities, overcoming my introvert tendencies and make it a goal to meet new people. Just never seems to work out.
A couple of my work friends came out of LTRs about a year ago and were in new relationships within 3-6 months. I don’t know why it’s so difficult when for most people dating and relationships just seem to be a thing that happens.
Maybe not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship.
I’ve accepted it now but it took a while.
This is basically me.
I think your childhood and teenage life has a huge impact on dating success.
If you weren't good looking, or popular or generally happy/confident when you were young, nobody is going to be interested. Then you never develop the social skills to interact with women properly and now you're an adult who doesn't know "how to talk to girls." Sure you can make friends with them, but they are never interested in more than that.
Yeah. I went to an all boys school until 18 so I didn’t mix with girls until I got to university and then they were these simultaneously fascinating and terrifying creatures. I had no idea how to talk to them.
No one teaches you what you’re supposed to do. We’re just supposed to ‘know’. I thought I’d figure it out at some point.
I stay in shape, train BJJ and get on really well with everyone at work but it always felt like I missed a software upgrade’ or something when it comes to social stuff and especially dating.
You've described me exactly, except for BJJ. I do a different martial art. I find it easier to get along with guys socially because girls always have their defences up. That's understandable because of their experiences, but that means I can't get past the simplest of defences. I don't know the right things to say in a conversation because I don't know the nuances of how they may interpret it.
For instance, in an old job I had a coworker who worked in two different locations. Sometimes she would work in my building. Once we had a department lunch and on the way back we were walking in the same direction. She asked me which office was mine. I told her it was at the end of the hall. It occurred to me later that she as ascertaining whether I was following her or just going back to my office.
That software upgrade comment hits hard. It's kinda like that for some women too. I was a really chubby kid with trich growing up, nobody looked twice at me except to make fun of me. High school hits and I glow up, tan and curvy with long dark hair, suddenly dudes want to take me out. But inside I still felt like a weird fat kid who missed the boat, and I didn't know what to do with the attention, and felt suspicious of guys because some part of me still thought it was a mean prank.
> felt suspicious of guys because some part of me still thought it was a mean prank.
I was a chubby kid, then i was stupidly tall and skinny, with the worst acne ever, so bullied for my appearance basically my entire school experience.
I cannot accept a compliment as genuine, id never accept someone actally asking me out, but i got those exact pranks in high school, although i was already insecure enough that i never actually fell for it.
Hell someone suggested me and my female friend should be dating once and my instinctive response was to be like "what? no not a chance" without even thinking, because that was just my reaction to the bullying and people sarcastically calling me attractive etc.
I was always the nice guy or invisible. A girl I was good friends with in university told me I was the guy that girls would be happy to walk them back to their room but not the guy who gets asked in. Since dating was easy for her I assumed she understood this stuff.
The first time I ever had attractive women tell me they thought I had a lot to offer and they didn’t understand why I was single I was basically middle aged.
God I feel that - I was chubby, super studious and serious, had no interest in dating and people asked me out as a joke at school. Now that I'm an adult I've grown into my looks but I just have no idea what I'm doing within a romantic context. I'm on always suspicious on some level because I can't really take seriously the idea that someone would be into me, and even if they were I wouldn't know how to handle it.
Wow, I wonder how common that is for people who went to all boys school? Just having no experience interacting with girls. I'm sure some guys have sisters which I guess is better than nothing.
I definitely agree with you on the feeling that you missed getting that upgrade.
I don’t think so. The only guys I keep in touch with from those days are married with kids. One of them married a girl I introduced him to who I knew from university.
I think it’s a combination of factors. Like there are possible outcomes to situations. If you always get the negative outcome, it’s hard to be positive. I gave this a lot of thought during lockdown. The negativity grows on your psyche like barnacles. Hard to get rid of.
This I totally agree with and exactly the same situation I am in. I can easily make friends with anyone, but can never escalate it to anything more (can't even get a date).
It's just impossible, anything I try falls flat and it's been (double digit) years that I have been trying to learn and make adjustments. There is no way for me to understand everything I am *just supposed to know* and that leaves me into an endless cycle of rejections and maybes.
Some days are rough to get through. Before anyone says, I have gotten help, when I tried to 'depart'. After all that, it's keep on trying and it will happen one day (it has not, again we are talking years).
The only thing, I am left with are stories of my failures. It would make a great comedy. Everyone would be like, that's so extreme, no-one is that unlucky! 👀
I’m that friend
I genuinely don’t know why tbh. I’m putting myself out there, and really trying. The few dates I get tell me I’m lovely and kind, a couple have even gone so far as to describe me as good looking as well. But none of them want to continue dating me, and none of them really give me a reason why that I’m capable of changing about myself, yknow?
I also just a few days ago have had a friendship end that was really important to me. The reason? She got a new boyfriend and doesn’t have time for me now, plus is worried he might get jealous of me. It’s absolutely crushing me right now. I don’t understand why I’m always the spare friend, who gets left behind when someone better comes along. Was our friendship not as important to her as it was to me? Was she just keeping me around in case she didn’t find a boy she liked? Am I so annoying?
Anyways, I’m just ranting. Super disheartened with the whole world lately.
Maybe you’re being too nice in your conversations on dates… the same thing has happened to me. I go on a date and I ask all these questions and we have a pleasant time, but then I don’t get a second date. The reason? I didn’t actually seduce them. I’ve had to learn to flirt more with my date, initiate contact, avoid making the conversation an interview. Idk if this is your problem but it was certainly mine, anyways, hope this helps.
This is me currently. My first relationship in almost 15 years and I don't know how to push beyond the 'friendly' stage to flirting. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up...
This was me for a long time and it is so lonely and depressing. Lots of female friends but no dates.
For me one of the biggest reasons turned out to be that I don't fit the vibe of traditional masculinity, and most straight women weren't interested (even if they knew I was straight).
Once I moved into different social circles I started dating bi women and now I don't even try pursuing straight women.
Anyway, wish you the best of luck and hope your situation gets better.
Nah man, it’s not you. This is common, but it’s also just as common when their relationship ends they try to come back into your life. Whether you allow them or not will be your call.
Alternative take on it from my opinion: They don't want to continue dating you? Then fine, because it means you're not fully compatible. Maybe the person you meet on your next date *is* the perfect person. You'd never know if ended up in a worse relationship with the first person.
Since multiple people have said you're kind/lovely/good looking, I don't think you'll have a problem finding the perfect person, it'll just potentially take a bit of time.
Also side note with your "friend". Obviously I'm going off limited information here, but it sounds like she certainly didn't value the friendship as much as you did - you may have just been her fallback option so she'd not have to do things alone. It sucks, but it could also be a blessing if she never cared for you that much anyway.
went on like 20 something dates, this was with pre-screening making sure we had similar interests and out of all those women only 1 I was actually compatible with. Like the conversation flowed naturally and I genuinely felt like I wanted the next step with that person. She ended up ghosting me tho and I ended up dating a childhood sweetheart that I had overlooked for some time but we understand each other from all the history so it's better than anything I could have asked for.
All that just to say, from my experience you are truly only compatible with less than 5% of the potential matches you meet.
He gave up. Not that I blame him, but he's perfectly happy just playing games after work. We are 30.
He did try dating apps but those are miserable for men and going out when you're 30 and the only single one is not fun.
That's when you find social activities that aren't drinking or start taking classes in things you are interested in. That's the best way to meet people after 30.
I took some drawing and painting classes for fun. Night classes so an age mix of students.
I'm married but I met like five women I could have easily asked out and gotten in with.
found the large town/city person.
thats not even a thing around me, its all dead, there are 3 pubs left and thats it. moving is unaffordable as a single person. hell the rent here is a struggle and i make more than the national median...
i wish this town had clubs and events etc but its just not a thing, Drinking is 100% the universal passtime around here.
i have spent the money to get into town a few times for groups and they are fun, but your taking like £100+ between transport, softs drinks, any entry fees and getting yourself some food while out.
its like a once a month thing at best.
I feel your pain! In the same boat here-- events/club meetings where I could actually meet similar people around my age take place in cities that are 3+ hours' drive away.
Which means that attending just *one* will cost hundreds of dollars and take a minimum of two days, thus it ends up being limited to a once-in-a-blue-moon thing.
The last one I went to (death metal show) was in *fall of 2022.* Which was amazing and definitely something I would like to do again, but since I'm not going to get to *see* those people afterward on a regular basis...chances are I'm not going to be getting a romantic or even platonic connection out of attending events. ☹️
Of course I know him, he´s me.
Socially inept and uglier than the layoffs in the tech sector; while I did try, nothing ever came out of it so at some point I decided to stop being the textbook definition of insanity. At this point (I´m 37) it doesn´t matter as much as it did before, other than the fact that it´s increasingly harder to relate to other people as life goes by.
It is what it is, I guess.
32. Done some long-term things. Some folded out of changing circumstances. Some because of generally poor fit.
Last few years I’ve wanted to focus on moving towards home ownership and figuring out what I want in my career.
I’ve avoided dating because I’m being particularly frugal to finish getting my house deposit together and because I’m prioritising the sort of personal introspection that dating may not exactly mesh with.
I’m not against looking for a partner in the future, but it would seem selfish to bring someone in to my life and try to fit them in to a life I’m actively in the progress of reconfiguring. Dating inevitably involves marketing yourself to some degree and at the moment I’m trying to get to know myself a bit better, which should hopefully translate to being able to get to know a potential suitor in a more meaningful way down the line.
Bit disheartening that a lot of the replies in this post automatically equate singlehood with some sort of defectiveness.
Same here. Am gay but really only into men as eye candy. Love my privacy, solitude and living alone, and would never want to change that. I’m just built different I guess lol.
This is an interesting take. I'm not gay, but I feel this big time. Privacy, solitude and living alone are highly underrated by society.
I hate when people ask me what I've been up to. I'm like, that's my business. I don't share because I don't want to!
The last guy in our group just got married. He was shy and introverted, but otherwise a clever good hearted man with interesting hobbies. He finally got married at 36 this last year to his perfect match. We’ve all been friends since high school. Well two of the other guys in the chat are now divorced cuz they married terrible people (and the rest of us knew they were terrible) and their lives are much worse for it.
Relationships aren’t to be rushed, measure twice and cut once my guy
Same. My friends have told me severally to lower my standards, and I don’t even know there’s any standards tbh. I haven’t just found that one I willingly want to be vulnerable to.
Bit of a different take here, I think the idea behind “lower your standards” is absolutely not “pretend to like someone” but rather, give more people a chance and take it all less seriously. If you only wait for a dream version of a partner to try and date, you’ll never find them. But if you date/hang out with/open yourself up to more people, you will find one you like much more quickly. Lower your standards = fish with a bigger net.
You put it better, like, this is just me and this is what I look out for in a woman, where is the standard. And btw, I’ve seen what you go out with, and I swear that can never be me!
It's not that. You ever known a 4/10 dude with no money and a drinking problem who only hits on 9/10 women with good jobs. They're forever alone in some Sisyphean dating nightmare.
It never works. And if by some miracle it did, it would be a disaster.
You have to be somewhat realistic about what you bring to the table.
Yeah same. Plenty of opportunities and fling type of situations, but after being with a terrible partner for almost 10 years I’m setting my prospects on something particular.
For me it would be sthg like "he doesn't even try" and they'd be correct. I just don't see tge benefit yet that outweighs the cost that by default comes with a relationship AND the risk that it bears AND the myriad of risks that I'd have to take on the way to even get into one.
Ohh that’s me too! Most of my friends Harvey girlfriends or are married. I don’t go out anymore, so I just don’t meet anyone. All I do is go to work, gym and stay at home. I’m also super introverted and too scared to ask women.
I'm also this guy. Depending on the friends, it's because I suck, or I work too much and only ever go home or to the gym. Or going out isn't worth putting pants on for.
As a person who has been described the same way before - it may not be that we need help. I'm constantly stressed internally since there's no one in my life to support me, and that stress keeps the weight on. During those periods when I've been employed but on vacation, I lose a little weight because there's far less pressure on me to deliver some outcome and pay my bills and do financial planning for my future potentially-alone-but-maybe-with-someone.
Shes is an 8, cute, friendly, has her own house and makes quite good money. But if we come over, she makes such a fuss if we drop crumbs or sauces from a spoon dripped on the dining table. Will vacuum between your feet, wiping down wherever you were eating that wasnt at the dining table and get passive aggressive if you start eating with your fingers. She'll write your name on the cup and the next day in the group chat she'll be like "how convenient. i found your cup under the lounge chair Jack." So, yeah. She's always be like sighing why is she single. Because you're a psycho Nadia.
I’ve had a roommate like Nadia and it’s obnoxious. Shared a bathroom and I was constantly cleaning because unless the entire thing was bleached she was salty that it was somehow dirty.
Even though I have very little hair and cleaned it after every use. I’d hate to be stuck with someone like that for decades
Dude my girlfriend isn't exactly like this but the part where you said they get over emotional when trying to talk about problems with them is spot on with what I got. I told her I'm not having it though, you can't cry and run away any time someone tries to hold you accountable. She hates that word cause I use it a lot but it's true. She started going to therapy and its a lot better now, we can actually discuss things without the communication breaking down from the start.
You are so right:
"People with OCD usually are aware that the condition is causing their behavior and accept that they need professional help to treat it. People with OCPD usually have little, if any, self-awareness of their behaviors."
[https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24526-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24526-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd)
I’m that person :) People think I’m either not interested in the opposite gender or too picky. Personally, I’m just focusing on myself and letting nature work things out on its own.
That's me too with same motives. This thread implies being single is not a good baseline (OP's suppositions as to why we're single). I'm just not actively looking out for that and I'm doing my own things.
I'd be glad to be able to live my ambitions and hobbies on my own/with friends. Though I can see the benefits in having a romantic partner, I just don"t want that as a requirement (to fit in or to enjoy my off work time).
Damn well best of luck my dude. I don't know your situation but hopefully you are able to switch something up soon. That sounds like a really difficult way to live.
The real question is where are y’all finding friend groups? I’m 32 and feel like I haven’t had a “friend group” since I finished college. I have one friend I see regularly and a couple others I might see once every year or 2.
Most my guy friends are single tbh. They just have this distorted perception of what girls should be/should look like from all the scrolling on insta and all the other crap apps. Whenever a cute girl comes around I keep pushing them to pursue but they always find faults in her and ultimately don’t go for it.. its maddening really
Just became single at 33 and I’m now the only single person out of my friendship group. Spent too long with the wrong person in my 20s. It can happen to the best of us.
He single because of trust issues. The girl he was with for 5 years got pregnant by someone else then got mad at him when he left. He then dated a single mother, whose expectations were extremely high. Both girls had good paying jobs but somehow he was broke. I found out that his mother lied about his dad and had him locked up for domestic violence when we were in high school. In his head he thinks all females are like that. He now has a house and it’s almost paid off after four years. He seems pretty happy and always the first person to help out any friend when needed.
That one guy is me
Its because I can't small talk with people i don't know
Also gym copioum plays a role too. For every problem I see and I go to the gym I subconsciously think that I am bettering myself by working out but I workout just because I like it. So the problems still exists and I just have some bigger muscles
I am that single friend.
It does upset me a little bit when we gather for events and occasions and everyone there is partnered up, married, with kids etc.
Chronic health issues. Bipolar disorder. Managing these, being flung each and every which way my diseases conditions and disorders want to throw me. My friends are married, going on international trips, getting promotions and graduate degrees, dating a lot of different people etc
I'm still struggling to even maintain what most other people would call mediocrity. And at times I'm barely fucking hanging on.
I wouldn't ever for a second think that anyone needs to tie themselves to me, and deal with all my fucked up shit, when there are millions of other perfectly healthy men in the US, who are just better partners in the eye of the average person, than I am.
I MIGHT be able to START dating when I'm like 33, or 35. Maybe I'll get married, or maybe I'll just leave the world behind before I won't be able to retire at old age lol. TBD.
He has absolutely no grasp on what it means to compromise in any way shape or form to anything that he thinks is not correct or what he wants to do. He hasn't had a GF since 1992 as any female that talks to him for more than half an hour realises that something is just 'off'. He lacks empathy to pretty much eveyone. He's a clever guy but doesn't understand the politics of a work place as he's right/they are wrong and always ends up in trouble or made redundant and he carries this into his personal relationships.
He's nomadic and hasn't found a woman who is both willing to be nomadic and willing to go where he wants to go and not where she wants to go. He got pretty close twice, but then one ran off to Canada or something and the other got mad at him for having COVID because COVID is a hoax and she didn't want to be with a crisis actor buying into the hysteria... He about died but I think he dodged the bigger bullet of having to stay with her.
I'm that friend. It's not for lack of trying I've had some great relationships in the past but I will only pursue someone I genuinely like and unfortunately that has never materialised into a life partner.
I also seem to be perpetually stuck in a cycle where the person I like just isn't interested in me or isn't available.
Admittedly I don't do online dating its a shit show, and I am stuck in a dead end job where I don't meet a lot of new people.
It sucks as I've sort of accepted that as I get older my chances of having a family life are dwindling with each year.
It'sa me, and I gave up.
Dating felt too much like looking for a job, especially online dating. Putting all of my credentials and personals out into the void to hear nothing but the occasional blip, which would inevitably turn into being ghosted. It frankly felt dehumanizing.
IRL dating didn't fare much better. Maybe I'm ugly as sin and no one told me, but most women in my life didn't want anything to do with me. By the time I started an actual career my self-confidence was gone and my freetime was pretty much dead. Work was too draining, and I didn't have the energy to add one more thing to my ever growing list of responsibilities.
The occasional women that did show interest in me I became quick to avoid or distance myself from. The fear of misreading signals, or being seen as some kinda creep, especially in a work setting, made me fearful so I just intentionally ignored any sign I saw that looked like interest.
So I gave up. It didn't feel worth it, and the pings to my mental health weren't worth the effort. I work on myself now, live for myself, and just try to find joy in life where I can.
He's weird, likes married women. Dates, but no one is good enough for him. Complains about restaurants, service, staff. Got annoying doing anything with him.
Had a friend like this. Lived with his brother for 21 years. Never dated. Just worked and spent his off time with friends or in nature, taking hikes, taking photos, and so on. He died two months ago, 49 and single, never in a relationship, yet he was happy. Loved being an "uncle" to our kids. Some folks find happiness outside of romantic relationships. I just feel so lucky to have been his friend.
I never learned how to socialize that well. I don’t even have any irl friends right now, and the ones I did have in school were my friends because they initiated the friendships.
The same issue applies to romance. I don’t know how to pick up a woman, so I don’t try. I wait for them to initiate something. But since I am neither rich nor exceptionally good looking, that hasn’t happened yet.
That would be me. I'm kind of a nerd. Terrible social anxiety, especially with hot women. Lookwise im like a solid 5-6, but honestly, that doesn't even matter because I study one of the most male dominated subjects, and I never go to clubs or bars, so I dont get many opportunities. It also doesn't help that I'm super picky, meaning I look for specific character traits and physical aspects.
That's me. Due to anxiety problems, overweight, low self-esteem and low self-confidence, I went out less and less often. Meanwhile, everyone was having a partner in one way or another. Then it turned out that for almost everyone, that couple meant their stable partner and my frequency of meeting them dropped to the point of being non-existent. Now I have improved in everything that gave me problems, but I have lost contact with them and I don't usually hang out with anyone. Yes, I would like to stop being single, but without a minimum number of connections and social interactions it is very difficult for that to happen. I'm not interested in dating apps either. I already tried it and it was a disaster. And with age it is increasingly difficult to stop being single. I `m 36 years old.
He is egocentric. He cannot accept another person's ways into his life, because he finds their ways disruptive, instead of enriching. That, in turn, is because he has low standards: he is lonely, therefore accepts almost every offer for love. But those people are seekers. They move from one relationship to another, and therefore have no solid habbits that could enrich a relationship. That makes him bitter and eager to give up. That, in turn, makes him self-centered and egocentric. So goes the circle.
My friend in his 40s with his PhD in Robotics was simply never really interesting enough for women to see themselves with him. Everyone else in the group got married and had children, but he never dated a woman for more than a few months at a time.
He has no rizz, no game, cannot flirt with women, and now each night he simply works, cooks dinner for himself, reads a book, and goes to bed.
> He has no rizz, no game, cannot flirt with women,
and none of these things say anything about a man's real value as a partner and parent. No wonder so many kids are growing up in single parent homes now...
>each night he simply works, cooks dinner for himself, reads a book, and goes to bed.
relatable
I think either they have crazy expectations or do not have the confidence/ see themselves as dateable.
One friend is quite attractive for his age and has money but he will only consider like a 20 year old super hottie, he is like 50 though
I’m that guy. Combination of life path that doesn’t leave much room for a relationship, + a lot of traveling that a partner can’t join in on, + low hopes of finding someone compatible and close to my age who doesn’t already have kids.
This post was 100% written by a woman. No guy I know would list the reasons their single friend is single as being “too poor” or too “ugly or rude”
If these are the reasons you think someone remains single then you are profoundly shallow in your outlook of human interaction.
I had to scroll too far to get to that. It's a shame that being single can't be seen as a normal baseline to OP. It had to have a pejorative reason to it. I'm just glad plenty of people just answered candidly that they just don't look for it and live their life.
I'm the only single guy in the group
I've just never seen the point of relationships
I can hardly be bothered with friends, hence why I socialise maybe once a year these days
He was single because he was socially fucked, had no personality and when he drank he didn’t get confidence, he just got angry at people and wanted to fight his mates for some reason. He eventually did get a girlfriend who hates all of his friends and now none of us speak to him at all and I don’t even know what he’s doing.
The saddest fate. We had a friend like that. Married Yoko and had two kids. We never met the youngest one.
Holy shit you were friends with John Lennon?!
Always confused how these people even get friends in the first place
School usually. They grew up in the same grade as their friends, and even though they have a lot of weird tendencies that make starting friendships hard they are "great friends once you get to know them".
Aka me
Sounds like she did you a favor.
When you say he "had no personality" what do you mean? How would someone go about rectifying a problem like that?
No personality is essentially having nothing to say about yourself. You're just..Grey. No past experiences/shared experiences to relate to like high school prom, football games, first crush, first time, first heartbreak, family drama etc. No interests, no favorite anything, majority of questions are met with "idk/nothing/not really." Difficult to even have a conversation on opposite interests cause you either have such a small specific interest that no one knows/cares about it, or you take any conflicting interests as *debates.* Basically, you have nothing to contribute about yourself to the conversation that is all about getting to know you. All instant conversation killers. The fix? Make yourself colorful. Think about the stuff you used to enjoy as a child. Would you pick up some of those things again as an adult? Any sports you like to watch/play or skills you ever wanted to learn? Future aspirations? Its hard to think about ourselves sometimes, especially if you* don't think too high of yourself to begin with. But once you're able to get a good idea of who YOU are, itll be easier to tell others too.
Develop hobbies
He's fuck ugly and has a horribly abrasive personality. Love the bloke but fuck.
Horribly abrasive personality. My buddy is like this. He’s immature, arrogant, blameless, insecure, holds grudges, socially unaware and awkward, has a short temper with no filter, interrupts people constantly, comes across as a “know it all”, and above all is fucking contrarian as fuck. Nobody is correct about anything or has good ideas. Only him. Just a horribly abrasive personality. Been friends for a long time and tbh in many ways he’s a really good dude but he is definitely single because of his horribly abrasive personality.
I've got one of these. He's great at his job, good sense of humor, and has a ton of interesting hobbies. But he's defensive as hell and extremely standoffish in even the most insignificant of discussions. His opinion is law and everyone else is wrong. I feel bad for the guy but also don't. All he wants is a stable relationship but his standards are high and he can be extremely difficult to be around unless everything is perfect in his eyes... and that could all change at a moment's notice. He really could use a good long look at himself. Or therapy.
This reminds me of myself a bit. I would say that the difficult part of not defending oneself is the negative feeling of being bested if you don't, but that's just insecurity.
And pride. Many discussions with my own friend end up in me saying “dude, it’s ok to admit you’re wrong sometimes, for fucks sake” Dude has no idea how beneficial it would be to be more humble and less of a pompous fucking asshole. It’s off putting to women to say the least
>^(He’s immature, arrogant, blameless, insecure, holds grudges, socially unaware and awkward, has a short temper with no filter, interrupts people constantly, comes across as a “know it all”, and above all is fucking contrarian as fuck. Nobody is correct about anything or has good ideas. Only him.) >***...in many ways he’s a really good dude*** Okay, I have to ask: How??
I've run into lots of people who are extremely rude, abrasive, and arrogant, but are also somehow incredibly generous and trustworthy. Tsundere friends basically.
Grabbed a chuckle out of me lol
“All right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?” “He’s fuck ugly” “Or, he doesn’t want you to see his face” “‘Cause he’s fuck ugly”
Yeah, this is my friend too. Unfortunately he’s very ugly so it’s rough for him. I could never say anything though because it would break his heart
> I could never say anything though because it would break his heart You know what was a bigger heartbreak than the one time my buddy sat me down and said "bro what the fuck is your deal?" The immediate realization that I was 20 and hadn't known about these things, nobody told me about them, and I went through my most formative years with problems that could've been fixed a lot sooner had someone actually said something. Food for thought.
We had to do this to one of our friends in college. Nobody had even told the dude that he needed to shower daily, wear deodorant, and brush his teeth. So we took him to a Walgreens and got him set up with a hygiene kit and even made him come with us when we took our showers (it was a locker room with multiple stalls). It was awkward as fuck but it really turned his life around. He went from being the stinky kid as a freshman to being one of the best dressed dudes in our group by the time we where seniors.
That's so sweet to read. Being a neglected kid sucks.
Incredibly based.
I agree with Alternative_Elk_2651, A true friend stabs you in the front
I hope, as a friend, you are telling him this. Trust me - having been that guy, who is not exactly a looker and also has/had a bunch of glaring personality issues, the first 20 years of my life where nobody told me about these things were not fun, and when I did finally get that information, it soured a lot of my friendships because I was, and still am, quite resentful at the fact that these "friends" knew before I did and just... never told me.
I wish my friends were telling me that, would make more sense, but apparenly i am awesome, funny etc, according to my best mates wife im the most normal and likeable friend hes got. but im soo single i dont actually know how not to be.
We didn't tell our "abrasive" friend about his personality issues because he was such a spiteful dick he'd have absolutely laid into someone for it. No one liked him enough to put their own happiness on the line for someone we were sure would slowly phase out of our lives over time - largely by design. If you're someone who is consistently mean, then the fair assumption is you'll be mean if you're given criticism. It's frankly not your friends' problem!
I'd probably develop an abrasive personality after a lifetime of social consequences for being ugly too.
In my group, there's this guy who has been single his whole life. His getting to 40, without ever having a single relationship, even a one night stand. It's not my business, so I never asked him anything, but the girls in the group had a betting pool going on, the two options deemed most likely were "he's gay" and "he just doesn't tell us". A couple of months ago he told us he got his first crush ever. Turns out the guy just never saw a woman he liked before and so he didn't bother dating. I'm honestly in awe.
I kinda love this. I hope it works out for him As long as his crush isn’t a horse or sheep or something Odd like that.
Sadly it didn't work out. But he became more confident with himself, started taking more care of his looks and the transformation was impressive. He basically went from random guy #2094929 to a guy who gets noticed whenever he enters a pub. If there's another woman he likes in the whole world, he's gonna get her.
Ahhhh in that case even better. Hard not to respect the fuck out of the bloke on all honesty. Fair play.
Hey, can you please tell me more about his transformation? What did he do?
Get a haircut and wear clothes that fit
bonus points for a good skincare routine
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Thank fuck this has a good ending cos with every line my heart was sinking a bit lower.
I think a lot of dudes (people really) need to get higher standards, especially for emotional stuff cause holy hell are some people way too willing to stay with a parade of red flags just out of fear that they can’t do better
Even if it a sheep, it's up to him. All you can say is Ewe
I’m pretty much him but a 42 year old woman. It takes a lot for me to get Interested in someone the way that other people seem to do after meeting someone and having a spark. Wish I was different.
Same girl. Even when I do come across that special guy or gal who's more appealing than binge watching Law and Order with my dogs, having a "spark" is something I almost stumble and fall over after the fact. I was close (and platonic!) friends with someone for almost twenty years before I realized "holy shit, I think I love you and you might be the one". They weren't. TLDR; *I ain't see nothin' I like*...
Yeah I’m just wildly disinterested.
I'm exactly like that guy. Half of my female friends think I'm gay, and that's completely fine with me, I couldn't care less for sexual orientation, relationships and such.
im almost 30 and in this situation, most people have asked if im gay or what. nah im just big ol loser lol
Not that big of a deal. I was in a serious relationship in high school and then broke up when I was 19 and I didn't get into a relationship until I was 29. Been in one for the past 7 years. It will come when it comes natural. My friends literally asked me what's wrong with me and I just said due to family issues and My crazy Life I just don't have the urge. Once I just started to focus on my life and live in the moment I met my fiance.
Such a weird mindset. "I've never seen him date a woman. Must be gay." "Oh, so you've seen him date a man." "...no, but..."
Some of us are just not interested or haven’t found anyone we are interested in. We are not gays. Far from it. Tired of people assuming otherwise
It takes time to fall in love with a person you know, need an emotional bond. I just don't care otherwise.
I'm like him, only got a single crush ever.
I’m rooting for this motherfucker
Why is it in a situation like that a guy automatically gets labeled as "gay" ? What a sad narrow-minded world we live in.
Could be he suffers from social anxiety. That’s me and can be debilitating getting into relationships.
I actually adore that.
I'm kinda that guy. I'm a 7/10 so not the best catch in the world, but better than many and genuinely caring. I'm not a bad boyfriend, but I don't care to date unless it really adds value to my life and I'm quite comfortable being single. I'm mid 30s and only been in one long term relationship (just ended) and been on a handful of dates in life with others. Problem is not getting dates. It's keeping them. Turns out that all those bad relationships you have teach you things that may be blindingly obvious to any normal person with relationships, but are not obvious if you haven't. So the few times I have dated, I haven't been able to cope and some problems could have been resolved with more experience/emotional maturity (some were straight up compatibility problems) I'm not making embarrassing problems before someone thinks that this is a plot of a comedy film and I'm quite emotionally intelligent in regular life, but relationships have different needs to friendships and work relationships, and if you lack experience in something like that it's a disadvantage. Also, at some point, women think a mid thirties guy with the dating experience of an early twenties guy is a turn off, and I would agree, they want someone more mature.
My stepbrother was like that. He didn’t even make time for dating until he was like, 25 or 26. Just was always stressed about having a good job and having his stuff together. He finally met a woman and she totally rocked his world round. Literally. She’s like, 8? Years older than him and has a 10 year old daughter, and he just was smitten from the getgo. He literally quit everything he was doing to make some smoothie business dream of hers a reality, and they had a baby last year, and they’re struggling but making it work. It was nuts. We all just are like, alright! What a rollercoaster out of the blue! Some people are just waiting for the right person and literallly nothing can stop that chemistry from trying to make it work when it happens, it seems. Lol.
Daaamn women are brutal
I'm amazed how some guys don't really care about getting physically intimate with a women or have such a high selectivity as a condition of getting intimate
I know I left many scratching their heads, including my wife until she got through my dense shell. Probably hurt some feelings if I’m honest with myself.
You make it sound like men crave physical intimacy all the time and don't have high standards for how it happens
That would be me. Single by default. I’ve really put a lot of effort into meeting someone over the years and not just swiping on an app. Trying new activities, overcoming my introvert tendencies and make it a goal to meet new people. Just never seems to work out. A couple of my work friends came out of LTRs about a year ago and were in new relationships within 3-6 months. I don’t know why it’s so difficult when for most people dating and relationships just seem to be a thing that happens. Maybe not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. I’ve accepted it now but it took a while.
This is basically me. I think your childhood and teenage life has a huge impact on dating success. If you weren't good looking, or popular or generally happy/confident when you were young, nobody is going to be interested. Then you never develop the social skills to interact with women properly and now you're an adult who doesn't know "how to talk to girls." Sure you can make friends with them, but they are never interested in more than that.
Yeah. I went to an all boys school until 18 so I didn’t mix with girls until I got to university and then they were these simultaneously fascinating and terrifying creatures. I had no idea how to talk to them. No one teaches you what you’re supposed to do. We’re just supposed to ‘know’. I thought I’d figure it out at some point. I stay in shape, train BJJ and get on really well with everyone at work but it always felt like I missed a software upgrade’ or something when it comes to social stuff and especially dating.
You've described me exactly, except for BJJ. I do a different martial art. I find it easier to get along with guys socially because girls always have their defences up. That's understandable because of their experiences, but that means I can't get past the simplest of defences. I don't know the right things to say in a conversation because I don't know the nuances of how they may interpret it. For instance, in an old job I had a coworker who worked in two different locations. Sometimes she would work in my building. Once we had a department lunch and on the way back we were walking in the same direction. She asked me which office was mine. I told her it was at the end of the hall. It occurred to me later that she as ascertaining whether I was following her or just going back to my office.
That software upgrade comment hits hard. It's kinda like that for some women too. I was a really chubby kid with trich growing up, nobody looked twice at me except to make fun of me. High school hits and I glow up, tan and curvy with long dark hair, suddenly dudes want to take me out. But inside I still felt like a weird fat kid who missed the boat, and I didn't know what to do with the attention, and felt suspicious of guys because some part of me still thought it was a mean prank.
> felt suspicious of guys because some part of me still thought it was a mean prank. I was a chubby kid, then i was stupidly tall and skinny, with the worst acne ever, so bullied for my appearance basically my entire school experience. I cannot accept a compliment as genuine, id never accept someone actally asking me out, but i got those exact pranks in high school, although i was already insecure enough that i never actually fell for it. Hell someone suggested me and my female friend should be dating once and my instinctive response was to be like "what? no not a chance" without even thinking, because that was just my reaction to the bullying and people sarcastically calling me attractive etc.
I was always the nice guy or invisible. A girl I was good friends with in university told me I was the guy that girls would be happy to walk them back to their room but not the guy who gets asked in. Since dating was easy for her I assumed she understood this stuff. The first time I ever had attractive women tell me they thought I had a lot to offer and they didn’t understand why I was single I was basically middle aged.
God I feel that - I was chubby, super studious and serious, had no interest in dating and people asked me out as a joke at school. Now that I'm an adult I've grown into my looks but I just have no idea what I'm doing within a romantic context. I'm on always suspicious on some level because I can't really take seriously the idea that someone would be into me, and even if they were I wouldn't know how to handle it.
Wow, I wonder how common that is for people who went to all boys school? Just having no experience interacting with girls. I'm sure some guys have sisters which I guess is better than nothing. I definitely agree with you on the feeling that you missed getting that upgrade.
I don’t think so. The only guys I keep in touch with from those days are married with kids. One of them married a girl I introduced him to who I knew from university. I think it’s a combination of factors. Like there are possible outcomes to situations. If you always get the negative outcome, it’s hard to be positive. I gave this a lot of thought during lockdown. The negativity grows on your psyche like barnacles. Hard to get rid of.
This I totally agree with and exactly the same situation I am in. I can easily make friends with anyone, but can never escalate it to anything more (can't even get a date). It's just impossible, anything I try falls flat and it's been (double digit) years that I have been trying to learn and make adjustments. There is no way for me to understand everything I am *just supposed to know* and that leaves me into an endless cycle of rejections and maybes. Some days are rough to get through. Before anyone says, I have gotten help, when I tried to 'depart'. After all that, it's keep on trying and it will happen one day (it has not, again we are talking years). The only thing, I am left with are stories of my failures. It would make a great comedy. Everyone would be like, that's so extreme, no-one is that unlucky! 👀
> Maybe not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. This is exactly it, despite how much most people want to think it´s not the case.
> Maybe not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. Not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. As long as you are at peace
I’m that friend I genuinely don’t know why tbh. I’m putting myself out there, and really trying. The few dates I get tell me I’m lovely and kind, a couple have even gone so far as to describe me as good looking as well. But none of them want to continue dating me, and none of them really give me a reason why that I’m capable of changing about myself, yknow? I also just a few days ago have had a friendship end that was really important to me. The reason? She got a new boyfriend and doesn’t have time for me now, plus is worried he might get jealous of me. It’s absolutely crushing me right now. I don’t understand why I’m always the spare friend, who gets left behind when someone better comes along. Was our friendship not as important to her as it was to me? Was she just keeping me around in case she didn’t find a boy she liked? Am I so annoying? Anyways, I’m just ranting. Super disheartened with the whole world lately.
Maybe you’re being too nice in your conversations on dates… the same thing has happened to me. I go on a date and I ask all these questions and we have a pleasant time, but then I don’t get a second date. The reason? I didn’t actually seduce them. I’ve had to learn to flirt more with my date, initiate contact, avoid making the conversation an interview. Idk if this is your problem but it was certainly mine, anyways, hope this helps.
This is me currently. My first relationship in almost 15 years and I don't know how to push beyond the 'friendly' stage to flirting. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up...
I hate that you have to do this, because I really am not a fan of being intimate with people.unless I've gotten to know them
There are specific, dynamic skills to attracting women that have absolutely *nothing* to do with being kind or good.
This was me for a long time and it is so lonely and depressing. Lots of female friends but no dates. For me one of the biggest reasons turned out to be that I don't fit the vibe of traditional masculinity, and most straight women weren't interested (even if they knew I was straight). Once I moved into different social circles I started dating bi women and now I don't even try pursuing straight women. Anyway, wish you the best of luck and hope your situation gets better.
Nah man, it’s not you. This is common, but it’s also just as common when their relationship ends they try to come back into your life. Whether you allow them or not will be your call.
Alternative take on it from my opinion: They don't want to continue dating you? Then fine, because it means you're not fully compatible. Maybe the person you meet on your next date *is* the perfect person. You'd never know if ended up in a worse relationship with the first person. Since multiple people have said you're kind/lovely/good looking, I don't think you'll have a problem finding the perfect person, it'll just potentially take a bit of time. Also side note with your "friend". Obviously I'm going off limited information here, but it sounds like she certainly didn't value the friendship as much as you did - you may have just been her fallback option so she'd not have to do things alone. It sucks, but it could also be a blessing if she never cared for you that much anyway.
went on like 20 something dates, this was with pre-screening making sure we had similar interests and out of all those women only 1 I was actually compatible with. Like the conversation flowed naturally and I genuinely felt like I wanted the next step with that person. She ended up ghosting me tho and I ended up dating a childhood sweetheart that I had overlooked for some time but we understand each other from all the history so it's better than anything I could have asked for. All that just to say, from my experience you are truly only compatible with less than 5% of the potential matches you meet.
Wow also exactly my story
He gave up. Not that I blame him, but he's perfectly happy just playing games after work. We are 30. He did try dating apps but those are miserable for men and going out when you're 30 and the only single one is not fun.
Fuuuuuuuuck I feel like that
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What did you waste thousands on?
"Bunch o' hookers and cocaine"
That's when you find social activities that aren't drinking or start taking classes in things you are interested in. That's the best way to meet people after 30. I took some drawing and painting classes for fun. Night classes so an age mix of students. I'm married but I met like five women I could have easily asked out and gotten in with.
found the large town/city person. thats not even a thing around me, its all dead, there are 3 pubs left and thats it. moving is unaffordable as a single person. hell the rent here is a struggle and i make more than the national median... i wish this town had clubs and events etc but its just not a thing, Drinking is 100% the universal passtime around here. i have spent the money to get into town a few times for groups and they are fun, but your taking like £100+ between transport, softs drinks, any entry fees and getting yourself some food while out. its like a once a month thing at best.
I feel your pain! In the same boat here-- events/club meetings where I could actually meet similar people around my age take place in cities that are 3+ hours' drive away. Which means that attending just *one* will cost hundreds of dollars and take a minimum of two days, thus it ends up being limited to a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. The last one I went to (death metal show) was in *fall of 2022.* Which was amazing and definitely something I would like to do again, but since I'm not going to get to *see* those people afterward on a regular basis...chances are I'm not going to be getting a romantic or even platonic connection out of attending events. ☹️
Of course I know him, he´s me. Socially inept and uglier than the layoffs in the tech sector; while I did try, nothing ever came out of it so at some point I decided to stop being the textbook definition of insanity. At this point (I´m 37) it doesn´t matter as much as it did before, other than the fact that it´s increasingly harder to relate to other people as life goes by. It is what it is, I guess.
32. Done some long-term things. Some folded out of changing circumstances. Some because of generally poor fit. Last few years I’ve wanted to focus on moving towards home ownership and figuring out what I want in my career. I’ve avoided dating because I’m being particularly frugal to finish getting my house deposit together and because I’m prioritising the sort of personal introspection that dating may not exactly mesh with. I’m not against looking for a partner in the future, but it would seem selfish to bring someone in to my life and try to fit them in to a life I’m actively in the progress of reconfiguring. Dating inevitably involves marketing yourself to some degree and at the moment I’m trying to get to know myself a bit better, which should hopefully translate to being able to get to know a potential suitor in a more meaningful way down the line. Bit disheartening that a lot of the replies in this post automatically equate singlehood with some sort of defectiveness.
Funny! More lay offs than the tech sector
I think this is me. I'm too shy around women and don't put myself out there at all.
The shy bootyhunter stalks its prey from a distance.
Username checks out
Lmaoo
I’m the only single person in my social circle. I’m single because l don’t even look. I don’t look because I’m not interested.
Same here. Am gay but really only into men as eye candy. Love my privacy, solitude and living alone, and would never want to change that. I’m just built different I guess lol.
This is an interesting take. I'm not gay, but I feel this big time. Privacy, solitude and living alone are highly underrated by society. I hate when people ask me what I've been up to. I'm like, that's my business. I don't share because I don't want to!
Honestly, majority of my friends are single either by choice, they have too much baggage or they can't flirt to save their life.
> I'm single by choice!! > ^^^Not ^^^my ^^^choice
I can't flirt at all, have even been called out for it by women I was seeing, but I still had a pretty healthy dating life.
Oh that's me! I'm that person in my friends group! Just not met the right person or had the right opportunities to.
The last guy in our group just got married. He was shy and introverted, but otherwise a clever good hearted man with interesting hobbies. He finally got married at 36 this last year to his perfect match. We’ve all been friends since high school. Well two of the other guys in the chat are now divorced cuz they married terrible people (and the rest of us knew they were terrible) and their lives are much worse for it. Relationships aren’t to be rushed, measure twice and cut once my guy
Well that is promising! Congratulations for him!
What would your friends say is the reason?
Too picky?
Same. My friends have told me severally to lower my standards, and I don’t even know there’s any standards tbh. I haven’t just found that one I willingly want to be vulnerable to.
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Or to tolerate being treated like crap just so you have someone to go to the cinema with. Been there, done that, happy to go on my own.
Bit of a different take here, I think the idea behind “lower your standards” is absolutely not “pretend to like someone” but rather, give more people a chance and take it all less seriously. If you only wait for a dream version of a partner to try and date, you’ll never find them. But if you date/hang out with/open yourself up to more people, you will find one you like much more quickly. Lower your standards = fish with a bigger net.
You put it better, like, this is just me and this is what I look out for in a woman, where is the standard. And btw, I’ve seen what you go out with, and I swear that can never be me!
It's not that. You ever known a 4/10 dude with no money and a drinking problem who only hits on 9/10 women with good jobs. They're forever alone in some Sisyphean dating nightmare. It never works. And if by some miracle it did, it would be a disaster. You have to be somewhat realistic about what you bring to the table.
Yeah same. Plenty of opportunities and fling type of situations, but after being with a terrible partner for almost 10 years I’m setting my prospects on something particular.
For me it would be sthg like "he doesn't even try" and they'd be correct. I just don't see tge benefit yet that outweighs the cost that by default comes with a relationship AND the risk that it bears AND the myriad of risks that I'd have to take on the way to even get into one.
Ohh that’s me too! Most of my friends Harvey girlfriends or are married. I don’t go out anymore, so I just don’t meet anyone. All I do is go to work, gym and stay at home. I’m also super introverted and too scared to ask women.
I'm also this guy. Depending on the friends, it's because I suck, or I work too much and only ever go home or to the gym. Or going out isn't worth putting pants on for.
Socially awkward and fat. One of the sweetest people I know though.
Help him lose some weight! It'll change his life and he'll probably have more confidence.
As a person who has been described the same way before - it may not be that we need help. I'm constantly stressed internally since there's no one in my life to support me, and that stress keeps the weight on. During those periods when I've been employed but on vacation, I lose a little weight because there's far less pressure on me to deliver some outcome and pay my bills and do financial planning for my future potentially-alone-but-maybe-with-someone.
Shes is an 8, cute, friendly, has her own house and makes quite good money. But if we come over, she makes such a fuss if we drop crumbs or sauces from a spoon dripped on the dining table. Will vacuum between your feet, wiping down wherever you were eating that wasnt at the dining table and get passive aggressive if you start eating with your fingers. She'll write your name on the cup and the next day in the group chat she'll be like "how convenient. i found your cup under the lounge chair Jack." So, yeah. She's always be like sighing why is she single. Because you're a psycho Nadia.
I can fix her
She can ruin me
She will ruin us.
If my wife were a lesbian I'd set her up with Nadia. XD
Shit. Nadia is taking strays here.
I wouldn’t call that a stray, that’s a headshot
I’ve had a roommate like Nadia and it’s obnoxious. Shared a bathroom and I was constantly cleaning because unless the entire thing was bleached she was salty that it was somehow dirty. Even though I have very little hair and cleaned it after every use. I’d hate to be stuck with someone like that for decades
Monica from friends
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Dude my girlfriend isn't exactly like this but the part where you said they get over emotional when trying to talk about problems with them is spot on with what I got. I told her I'm not having it though, you can't cry and run away any time someone tries to hold you accountable. She hates that word cause I use it a lot but it's true. She started going to therapy and its a lot better now, we can actually discuss things without the communication breaking down from the start.
You must be my dad cause that sounds EXACTLY like my mom it’s actually wild.
That’s OCD. She needs therapy, probably needs medication too.
Sounds more like OCPD. OCD doesn’t often include being an asshole.
Sounds more like COPD, her lungs are cooked from all that sighing
You are so right: "People with OCD usually are aware that the condition is causing their behavior and accept that they need professional help to treat it. People with OCPD usually have little, if any, self-awareness of their behaviors." [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24526-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24526-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd)
That's not OCD. Source: someone with OCD and a cogsci degree. The other comment about OCPD is more likely correct
I’m that person :) People think I’m either not interested in the opposite gender or too picky. Personally, I’m just focusing on myself and letting nature work things out on its own.
That's me too with same motives. This thread implies being single is not a good baseline (OP's suppositions as to why we're single). I'm just not actively looking out for that and I'm doing my own things. I'd be glad to be able to live my ambitions and hobbies on my own/with friends. Though I can see the benefits in having a romantic partner, I just don"t want that as a requirement (to fit in or to enjoy my off work time).
I don't have the time/energy/opportunity to talk to girls. I work 12hrs night shifts, commute 3hrs and sleep between 5-7hrs most days.
You better be making a shit ton of money for that
It's not a lot but it's almost double my previous job
Damn well best of luck my dude. I don't know your situation but hopefully you are able to switch something up soon. That sounds like a really difficult way to live.
At this point, I think a friend group has one friend who is in a real relationship.
The real question is where are y’all finding friend groups? I’m 32 and feel like I haven’t had a “friend group” since I finished college. I have one friend I see regularly and a couple others I might see once every year or 2.
Most my guy friends are single tbh. They just have this distorted perception of what girls should be/should look like from all the scrolling on insta and all the other crap apps. Whenever a cute girl comes around I keep pushing them to pursue but they always find faults in her and ultimately don’t go for it.. its maddening really
Just became single at 33 and I’m now the only single person out of my friendship group. Spent too long with the wrong person in my 20s. It can happen to the best of us.
Happened to me at 34 like 3 months ago and it was a huge blessing in disguise.
Heeeyyy don’t worry, you won’t be alone forever. I was you and then everyone else got divorced too.
Some people prefer to be alone. It's peaceful and you don't need to worry about making anyone other than yourself happy.
Agreed. I don’t have the energy or the desire to make someone else happy. I’d rather get a dog.
This peace has become so addictive
Lol I guess that's how people see me
Failure to launch/ mental health issues
My friends say cause I’m gay.
Are you?
Bro I’m almost 30 idgaf if I’m gay or straight at this point lmao
What a twist.
He single because of trust issues. The girl he was with for 5 years got pregnant by someone else then got mad at him when he left. He then dated a single mother, whose expectations were extremely high. Both girls had good paying jobs but somehow he was broke. I found out that his mother lied about his dad and had him locked up for domestic violence when we were in high school. In his head he thinks all females are like that. He now has a house and it’s almost paid off after four years. He seems pretty happy and always the first person to help out any friend when needed.
That one guy is me Its because I can't small talk with people i don't know Also gym copioum plays a role too. For every problem I see and I go to the gym I subconsciously think that I am bettering myself by working out but I workout just because I like it. So the problems still exists and I just have some bigger muscles
In before everybody in this thread is that guy heh
well they ask this on reddit so that‘s no surprise
At this point, this isn't even a ""hehe reddit guys are lonely" thing, this is actually getting very common irl.
I am that single friend. It does upset me a little bit when we gather for events and occasions and everyone there is partnered up, married, with kids etc.
Chronic health issues. Bipolar disorder. Managing these, being flung each and every which way my diseases conditions and disorders want to throw me. My friends are married, going on international trips, getting promotions and graduate degrees, dating a lot of different people etc I'm still struggling to even maintain what most other people would call mediocrity. And at times I'm barely fucking hanging on. I wouldn't ever for a second think that anyone needs to tie themselves to me, and deal with all my fucked up shit, when there are millions of other perfectly healthy men in the US, who are just better partners in the eye of the average person, than I am. I MIGHT be able to START dating when I'm like 33, or 35. Maybe I'll get married, or maybe I'll just leave the world behind before I won't be able to retire at old age lol. TBD.
Hey, I’m that guy! I do stuff I want to do and right now dating isn’t one of them.
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I'm that one guy and I cannot be bothered to deal with other people's bullshit outside of work hours.
Sigh it’s me and I can’t figure out why.
He has absolutely no grasp on what it means to compromise in any way shape or form to anything that he thinks is not correct or what he wants to do. He hasn't had a GF since 1992 as any female that talks to him for more than half an hour realises that something is just 'off'. He lacks empathy to pretty much eveyone. He's a clever guy but doesn't understand the politics of a work place as he's right/they are wrong and always ends up in trouble or made redundant and he carries this into his personal relationships.
Is he autistic?
He's nomadic and hasn't found a woman who is both willing to be nomadic and willing to go where he wants to go and not where she wants to go. He got pretty close twice, but then one ran off to Canada or something and the other got mad at him for having COVID because COVID is a hoax and she didn't want to be with a crisis actor buying into the hysteria... He about died but I think he dodged the bigger bullet of having to stay with her.
I'm that friend. It's not for lack of trying I've had some great relationships in the past but I will only pursue someone I genuinely like and unfortunately that has never materialised into a life partner. I also seem to be perpetually stuck in a cycle where the person I like just isn't interested in me or isn't available. Admittedly I don't do online dating its a shit show, and I am stuck in a dead end job where I don't meet a lot of new people. It sucks as I've sort of accepted that as I get older my chances of having a family life are dwindling with each year.
It'sa me, and I gave up. Dating felt too much like looking for a job, especially online dating. Putting all of my credentials and personals out into the void to hear nothing but the occasional blip, which would inevitably turn into being ghosted. It frankly felt dehumanizing. IRL dating didn't fare much better. Maybe I'm ugly as sin and no one told me, but most women in my life didn't want anything to do with me. By the time I started an actual career my self-confidence was gone and my freetime was pretty much dead. Work was too draining, and I didn't have the energy to add one more thing to my ever growing list of responsibilities. The occasional women that did show interest in me I became quick to avoid or distance myself from. The fear of misreading signals, or being seen as some kinda creep, especially in a work setting, made me fearful so I just intentionally ignored any sign I saw that looked like interest. So I gave up. It didn't feel worth it, and the pings to my mental health weren't worth the effort. I work on myself now, live for myself, and just try to find joy in life where I can.
It’s me. I can’t be bothered.
He's weird, likes married women. Dates, but no one is good enough for him. Complains about restaurants, service, staff. Got annoying doing anything with him.
Inability to understand social cues.
Had a friend like this. Lived with his brother for 21 years. Never dated. Just worked and spent his off time with friends or in nature, taking hikes, taking photos, and so on. He died two months ago, 49 and single, never in a relationship, yet he was happy. Loved being an "uncle" to our kids. Some folks find happiness outside of romantic relationships. I just feel so lucky to have been his friend.
I never learned how to socialize that well. I don’t even have any irl friends right now, and the ones I did have in school were my friends because they initiated the friendships. The same issue applies to romance. I don’t know how to pick up a woman, so I don’t try. I wait for them to initiate something. But since I am neither rich nor exceptionally good looking, that hasn’t happened yet.
That would be me. I'm kind of a nerd. Terrible social anxiety, especially with hot women. Lookwise im like a solid 5-6, but honestly, that doesn't even matter because I study one of the most male dominated subjects, and I never go to clubs or bars, so I dont get many opportunities. It also doesn't help that I'm super picky, meaning I look for specific character traits and physical aspects.
That's me, Don't go out much, never put myself out there & rather awkward...
That's me. Due to anxiety problems, overweight, low self-esteem and low self-confidence, I went out less and less often. Meanwhile, everyone was having a partner in one way or another. Then it turned out that for almost everyone, that couple meant their stable partner and my frequency of meeting them dropped to the point of being non-existent. Now I have improved in everything that gave me problems, but I have lost contact with them and I don't usually hang out with anyone. Yes, I would like to stop being single, but without a minimum number of connections and social interactions it is very difficult for that to happen. I'm not interested in dating apps either. I already tried it and it was a disaster. And with age it is increasingly difficult to stop being single. I `m 36 years old.
I AM that person lol because I have social anxiety
He is egocentric. He cannot accept another person's ways into his life, because he finds their ways disruptive, instead of enriching. That, in turn, is because he has low standards: he is lonely, therefore accepts almost every offer for love. But those people are seekers. They move from one relationship to another, and therefore have no solid habbits that could enrich a relationship. That makes him bitter and eager to give up. That, in turn, makes him self-centered and egocentric. So goes the circle.
Some men like being single loool, it's hard to fathom
Someone’s gotta fill the Joey role in the group
He looks good but he opens his mouth and ruins every chance for himself haha
My friend in his 40s with his PhD in Robotics was simply never really interesting enough for women to see themselves with him. Everyone else in the group got married and had children, but he never dated a woman for more than a few months at a time. He has no rizz, no game, cannot flirt with women, and now each night he simply works, cooks dinner for himself, reads a book, and goes to bed.
> He has no rizz, no game, cannot flirt with women, and none of these things say anything about a man's real value as a partner and parent. No wonder so many kids are growing up in single parent homes now... >each night he simply works, cooks dinner for himself, reads a book, and goes to bed. relatable
Fuck, I love reading.
I'm the one in my friends circle. Answering the why .... Too much drama around me. Not my cup of tea.
I think either they have crazy expectations or do not have the confidence/ see themselves as dateable. One friend is quite attractive for his age and has money but he will only consider like a 20 year old super hottie, he is like 50 though
I’m that guy. Combination of life path that doesn’t leave much room for a relationship, + a lot of traveling that a partner can’t join in on, + low hopes of finding someone compatible and close to my age who doesn’t already have kids.
This post was 100% written by a woman. No guy I know would list the reasons their single friend is single as being “too poor” or too “ugly or rude” If these are the reasons you think someone remains single then you are profoundly shallow in your outlook of human interaction.
I had to scroll too far to get to that. It's a shame that being single can't be seen as a normal baseline to OP. It had to have a pejorative reason to it. I'm just glad plenty of people just answered candidly that they just don't look for it and live their life.
He's ugly. Unfortunately, very ugly and socially awkward men won't find a way to get laid, beside paying of course
I'm the only single guy in the group I've just never seen the point of relationships I can hardly be bothered with friends, hence why I socialise maybe once a year these days
That one guy is me. I'm single because I like money.