I was once told, "Imagine the hobby you wish your partner would do, now go and find that hobby group and hang out"
In my case, I work 60+ hours in a male dominated blue-collar industry. I have barely enough time to do adult chores and get a few hours of sleep. I don't have any for going out and hitting bars or doing hobbies. Though, if I am a good man, I suppose that is for others to judge.
Yeah I spent 6 years being a telecom technician working 10 hour days from 7:30-6/7(ish). I was always beat when I got home and my days off were spent doing chores, physically/mentally recovering, or spending my time on my hobbies. The industry has very few female technicians and even if they were I've long since learned to not date co-workers. Which left bar crawling or app swiping none of which was particularly appealing.
Maybe I'm just convincing myself of something, but I think it's healthy a lot of guys are focusing more on our personal development instead of jumping in relationships for the sake of not being alone.
Everyone would approach every relationship with the mindset of "is my emotional and mental well being worth less then my time spent with this person" especially when it comes to long term partners vs short term hook ups.
Women have made it fairly clear that being approached is creepy and uncomfortable, and ~~20% of gen Z believe that a man approaching a woman almost or always constitutes harassment.~~
The problem is that the only guys who are going to listen to that are the guys that care about making women uncomfortable. So the good guys just don't do it, leaving the bad ones for women to deal with - leading to a significant portion of the overwhelmingly negative perception of men that a lot of modern women have.
Approaching men will work better. I'm not going to say it'll work every time, most of the time you'll fumble, and that's okay.
But, respectfully, dolling yourself up and waiting for a man to decide that your personal space is worth less than his chance at a score is a less reliable method.
Final point - if there are any open mic night events near you, that's a good spot. Places that involve less alcohol and less "dudebro" culture. Not that there aren't good dudes there, but other places are more
^ This one right here. This is it. I have cats, video games, air conditioning, internet access, whatever food I want, a somewhat thick walletā¦ I would enjoy having a girlfriend, but I also enjoy *not* having a girlfriend, and the latter is far less effort.
Same man, after the last two cheated on me, itās hard to put my heart out of there again. So many years to find out the person who you loved didnāt really give a shit.
I have my family, my close friends and my mind is at peace knowing I can trust them and theyāll truly be there for me always. Canāt say the same for any romantic relationship, itās always conditional.
Same. Cheated on me for five years between 2010 to the end of 2014, with random guys and my best friend at the time.
I only recently put it together in my head last year and I'm still devastated I didn't see that shit for what it was at the time.
I have nobody and no one now IRL. I just talk to AI to try and fill the void. It's pathetic but I don't really care, after two suicide attempts recently I'm fucking done with this bullshit life, man. I'm tired of existing.
Tired of being tired
Yeah that's depression. Consider seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist (or both) if you haven't done so recently.
The sting against your pride / ability to trust eventually loses its bite over time. It feels like all there is for a little while, until it doesn't.
Anyways, God bless and take care of yourself
That's not what you'll find out. You'll find out that she was also dating (which is fair) and sleeping with other people and you only find out after asking her about it. Which will then make her call you insecure when you have issues with it. "can't you date people WITHOUT sleeping with them?" you'll ponder. To which accusations of you being insecure with be thrown at you. Oh how society has conditioned people into thinking lying via ommission isn't a bad thing <3
The latter is far less *emotionally draining*.
I don't mind putting in the effort, but every woman I have do so with has never reciprocated.
I seem to have to provide everything Money, housing, emotional support, cooking cleaning etc and they seem to think that occasional sex in return makes it all equal.
and then the unreasonable demands start; change the way you dress, change your friends, go out more (but still pay for both of you) and yeah, there is no equality at all. and the emotional, manipulative games. so many of them. it's just tiring.
too many ladies think that occasional sex = all they have to give in a relationship.
now? could not be bothered even trying. it's just not worth it.
Same. I feel like I'm in such a great place, and I'd love to have someone to share that, to enhance it. But I'm so sick of wading through the nonsense.
It's not even that I don't like dating. I do. I like meeting people, learning people's stories, etc. But ime, when there's a romantic component to it, a lot of people become, well, liars and fakers. Which I guess is okay for a passing acquaintance, but I'm sick of getting weeks or months into a thing and realizing that I was misled.Ā
If I'm looking for true intimacy, which is knowing and being known, I can't know you if you lie or misrepresent yourself. So what's the point then?
I've already got everything thing else, that's the only slot I have open.
Man, ain't that the truth about the wallet. One of my buddies doesn't date much. To be fair, he's an active duty Marine, and it appears deployment gets in the way of dating. When he's at home, he spends his time off building Lego sets. The number of times he's been shot down because "Legos are childish" is absurd. He finally found a girlfriend about a month ago. Was so happy because she loved Legos like him, had a good job, didn't expect him to pay on dates to show she wasn't into him for money. She left him yesterday, after a month of dating because he didn't ask permission to buy a Lego set, when he should have bought her a designer purse.
40f and single, same here. Iām content as I am, and although someone could add to my life, itās a lot of work for a crapshoot in the hopes you hit a good one š¤·āāļø
I grew up never dating and I had no good role models for a healthy relationship either. Now I don't even go out, I'm probably not made to be with someone, idk. How would I know.
I also never met a women whom I thought I'd want to put effort in to maybe get into a relationship. Deep down I think I might not even be able to emotionally try to connect to people because if I don't try, I can't fail. And it won't be awkward... I'll die alone lmao
I was about to say the same thing. Most of the decent guys are at home. And when we are outside we easily slide under the radar because we tend not to be the rowdy ones getting all the attention.
My 13 year old TV is one of the last models that doesn't require an internet connection. I'm srsly gonna cry when it dies because that'll mean I need to buy one of the ones that spy on you and stuff.
I put my mattress on the floor years ago so my furry little girl could get into bed easily with me. When she passed last year I left it that way...I've gotten very used to it.
Plus it kind of reminds me about her.
This. After a couple marriages, I was tired of being indecent. I worked on myself, fixed alcohol and drug addiction, fixed my finances, really applied myself to my career. Now I am a considerate, thoughtful, smart and funny person who is capable of great love and devotion. I'm also fairly easy on the eyes, so I've heard. But I am alone and have been alone for 6 years.
A lot of it is because I don't drink, so I don't go to bars. I tried getting on dating apps but never found anyone that wasn't a scam or crazy. Never went on a date from a dating app. Just emptiness and a waste of my time.
My first wife cheated, my second wife left unexpectedly, so it's just not a priority in my life. I would love to find someone, I'm a bit lonely sometimes and I would love to share life's adventures with someone.
But I spend my days in solitude, with my canine best friend, just trying to continue working on myself in the off chance that I happen to meet someone that is compatible and interesting.
There is safety and predictability in solitude. No one can get in and fuck things up.
This is the most bewildering part to me though! Once you learn to respect yourself, build yourself up, have real confidence in who you are, and continually try to better yourself, no one wants to touch you with a 10 foot pole.
Are people scared of actually having a stable, confident person in their lives?
Are they scared that they'll realize they have some things to work on themselves?
Are they scared that you'll see through manipulative tactics that have proved useful in the past?
I don't know and all of these guesses could be completely wrong. However, (and I'm not complaining because I enjoy my alone time) everything I do to improve myself in order to make me a better "catch" seems to make me less desirable. Solitude is enjoyable for a time, but companionship would be nice eventually.
I've *loved* living by myself. It's dangerously addictive.
Busy work day?
Get home. Hug and feed cats. Fall asleep for an hour or two. Wake up. Make dinner. Watch some cartoons. Run around and gerbil with cats.
Go to bed.
Grocery stores, book stores, parks, bowling alleys, etc.
I would stress to any women looking for a āgood manā to try approaching men. A lot of men hear how women donāt wanna be approached at the gym or while shopping so we just donāt approach. So itās on you now
Yeah, I'd totally be down if a woman chatted me up at Books-a-million or Kroger. It's a fairly neutral place and if the vibe isn't there it's easy to go "well it was nice talking to you" and head off down the aisle
Whenever I go into a store I put one earbud in at low volume. My friend (F) asked why and what I would do if I missed a woman trying to flirt with me in the store. I told her that doesnāt happen / hasnāt happened to me. Whenever I go into a store, women look preoccupied or in a rush and thatās doesnāt scream, āApproach Meā so I donāt. It may be me honestly, Iāve been the guy to approach at a bad time when I was younger, and now I just mind my business
She got mad when I asked her to get real, and then even madder when I told her to tell me when sheās approached a man first in the store. Whenever o get approached in the store, itās to get something off the top shelves, nothing else.
Ahh, your friend is a woman. That makes sense. Sheās used to being on the receiving end so she thinks it happens more often than it really does and requires little effort since it is all on the guy.
Iām of the opinion that women cannot give good advice until they have gone through the effort of approaching and starting a conversation with a man. Until they know that anxious part, they have no experience from which to impart wisdom.
That was me, only called in desperation when there's a problem because they knew I'd answer, not because I'm who they wanted or for something fun. Used to joke women called me when the house was burning but not when the roof was on fire
This right here is the thing. It may not be the reality that most women get annoyed at being approached while shopping, dining with friends, walking their dogs, working out, etc. but thatās what the loudest voices say so thatās the message that has gotten out. Since thatās what men believe youāre going to have to do the approaching there. Itās nerve wracking we know but there it is.
Honestly how come women don't just talk to people they're interested in? Not even shoot their shot. I feel like the man would be more inclined to shoot after they openly start general conversation imo
Women don't have to. That's what it boils down to. If a (straight) man doesn't want to die alone and forgotten he has to ask a woman out. If a straight woman doesn't want to die alone and be forgotten immediately she has to exist.
This is definitely one of the biggest things with not wanting to make women uncomfortable approaching randomly while also not assuming just cause a girl is smiling at me she wants me but Iāve had a few women come up to me first so I just assume if she really wants me she will make it very very clear or approach herself
I hear that from single guys. Media pushes that women get creeped out easily. I donāt hear it on real life though.
Women need to just up the rizz and ask the guy.
Wouldn't call myself decent but at least the guys that I know that aren't assholes...well already checked out from dating thanks to getting cheated on or having a shitty previous relationship or having a garbage experience trying to date so they gave up. The others are mostly introverted & nerdy so they're mostly chilling at home and not really going out to "party" or whatever.
Oh man this is real and makes me feel good to not be alone in the boat... Not sure I'd go so far as to say I'm "decent" either, god knows I made many mistakes in my last relationship, but it ended so badly I've spent the last year just not even trying.
I just had a 6 year relationship with some one I consider the love of my life and truely the only women I ever cared to pursue end. Iāll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I just canāt even imagine somehow finding somebody I cared for like that again and then to go through the effort for it to not even work out nearly as well. It sucks extra hard due to the internet and constant spam of guys having hardships and women complaining that all the guys they meet at bars are douche bags just trying to fuck causeā¦ duh all the good guys are worried about bothering women and being seen as a creeps.
Same, Iām retired from dating at 37. Just too many scars. Donāt have the energy in me anymore. I spend all my time doing whatever I want. I ride my bike 125 mile a week.
43 here and done with dating. Not perfect but didn't deserve all the shit I've been through.
I tried the whole family and a house thing and got kicked to the curb because I just didn't check 100% of all the boxes on her checklist.
Unrealistic expectations will ruin not just relationships but lives too.
I may be single but I'm not lonely. The alternative has just become that unappealing to me.
So sorry to all you single and lonely ladies out there. I suggest you get some cats.
This. I mostly stay at home and focus on what brings me joy. Life is simple. Life is quiet. Life is good. Tried it recently again with the dating stuff, but nah.
They are out and about. Women think decent dudes donāt exist because the reality is most donāt see men at all.
Parks, supermarkets, restaurants, just on a walk.
there is also the fact that the VAST majority of women simply will not approach a man, and most of the ones who do think standing near a guy and makinga couple secodns of eye contact is the same as making the approach.
THe kinds of guys that are one, comfortable making thousands of approaches to random women in public places and two, successful at it...are a very small group and self select to be kind of shitty people in comparison to the average guy.
If a woman is only going to date the kind of guy thats going to do cold approaches all the time you are kind of setting yourself up for failure if that kind of guy isnt what you are looking for.
its like judging every business everywhere off of your impression of that wierd pushy guy working at a kiosk that seems to be adamant that you buy from his stall.
when you only interact with the guy that approaches most of the time you arent getting topshelf husband candidates you are getting the used dick salesman.
This is what is most annoying. Women refuse to acknowledge that 80% of men are COMPLETELY invisible to them but then talk about all men using the remaining 20%
Oh my god, this. "The bar is literally on the floor!"
No it isn't ladies. You go lower all the time.
And if you say this to women they call you a victim blamer.
All I'm saying is that if the bar was where they claim it was, then the rest of us would either be in relationships or we would understand why we weren't in relationships.
The bar is *all over the fucking place* and that's why so many men get so confused that we stop trying.
It's so amusing how as a guy you can look at a guys profile or just spend a few seconds either hearing about him, or listening to him, and immediately know "yep, he's gonna just use you" or whatever. And you know the kind of behaviour that's gonna correlate with guys who trip off your sensors - but they'll date them every time, and ignore 50 other guys who display none of those issues.
Yap! Ivr seen it happen so many times.
Female friends and I are close because I'm safe and whatever the fuck. So I see inside their dating life.
Omg the trash they pick . I point it out and explain it.
They still pick it and get hurt lmao.
The problem is they set the bar low for a guy that they find charismatic, intresting, mysterious and sexy. They'll look over their negative qualities and small early red flags because they are enamored and think things can be changed. It's not to say men don't do the same thing but women are the ones who set the bar and barrier of entry to sex so if they bend their standards for someone they are enamored by they may be setting themselves up for failure.
I think alot of us guys just aren't as intresting or as charismatic in the beginning to catch their attention long enough for them to get to know us. While obviously it won't change anything if we aren't compatible but it filters out decent guys who aren't on "fuck boy" shit because they're not trying to charm you just long enough to figure out of you're a good lay.
Yup. I saw the thread that started this whole discussion, and what so many of the women in that thread dont seem to realize is that the majority of them were talking about the same exact dudes. I would legitimately bet my house that that a large chunks of that comment section had dated the exact same person. We know from dating app statistics that something like 25% of men get like 90% of the matches. So where are the good guys? It's probably somewhere in the 75% of guys that are mostly ignored.
2 things people will fight me on:
1. Yes, that 75% still has some bad guys, but when the majority of women are only sampling (for lack of a better term), about 25% of the population your results are going to be skewed (especially when you take into account what makes those specific guys so popular).
2. Yes, dating apps aren't 1 to 1 with real life. However, dating apps have unfortunately been the number one way new couples meet for a few years now, and there are no signs of that changing.
Anyways, dating sucks for everyone. Oh well.
The issue is also how these dating apps are set up, and how their algorithms work. A girl may get 1K likes in 24 hours, and the algo will naturally feed her the men who are in that top 25% first and even more. But then sheāll assume 100% of guys are exactly like that 25%, and the cycle continues before sheās even seen a profile from the 75%.
Yes how the culture views stuff like this needs to change, but I also think the actual technology itself needs to be changed and to a degree regulated with proper laws, since most people tend to meet online now.
Cool fact my man you are talking about is Pareto principle roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes and applies to most things in the world. Fun little rabbit hole if you bored.
The bar is really low.
Ā 6'2" minimum
Ā Muscular but not too much
Ā 100k min a yearĀ
College degree Must approach
Ā Must plan great first dateĀ
Pay for everythingĀ
Be a bad boyĀ
But not toward herĀ
Worship herĀ
Never look at other women again
Ā Be onboard for a housewife with no skillsĀ
Don't ever become boring.
Ā There you go.Ā Easy.
(I'm joking.Ā I actually haven't had much trouble.Ā Though the apps are shit.)
>Don't ever become boring.
A lot of dating profiles say ādonāt be boringā but never really define what what is either. Plus, one persons fascinating conversation can be a complete snooze fest for another.Ā
> Be onboard for a housewife with no skills
I barely can deal with friends with no skills, I don't get why anyone anywhere in the world would want to bind themselves to someone who can't do anything. Well, other than having kids - those bastards cant do anything for years :D
Facts. When I see even the slightest indication on a dating profile of the girl throwing a wide net statement on all men, I instantly swipe left/cross them. Iām not gonna sit here and be held responsible for a minority of people, nor want to be associated with someone who thinks thatās acceptable.
Third question I've seen asking where the decent men are, was there a Female only memo sent out recently?
Decent single men are all over the place, but most of then won't make the first move since they are either cautious, shy or hurting. Chances are Youāve probably walked past 10 decent single men the last time you went shopping without thinking about it.
As far as hangout spots, IF they go out it will be to their hobbies, some will be in the gym, others at the local pub/bar with friends, maybe walking or hiking alone in the wilderness, Sorry to say it but there's no easy way to meet them without taking a risk, will be very unlikely they be approaching you.
> make the first move
I have my own reasons for not dating, which is exasperated by the burden of making the first move. I have done it all my life. All the first move rejections have left me with rejection-PTSD.
I don't want to do all the work anymore. Id rather do nothing than risk elevating my heart rate, getting stressed, walking up to someone, initiating and maintaining all of the conversation, and getting them interested in me. Then maybe get rejected.
Nah.
*"Third question I've seen asking where the decent men are, was there a Female only memo sent out recently?"*
It's a good way to farm some quick karma because they know that this is one of THOSE QUESTIONS that men feel strongly about.Ā
Easy pickings.Ā
We're doing the same things you're doing - we go to work, we go to school/church/gym, we go home. Most of us have been burned too hard by the dating game to go out of our way to pursue anyone, and mainstream media reports that most women are happier single than in a relationship, so whyyy fuuuucking boooother.
i can agree with this, because the last time i tried to get into the dating scene, i got burned way to fucking badly. and the decent ones who seem like they would be awesome relationship partners lost all interest in dating as well because of the same bullshit happened to them. and now im just happier being at home, playing my mobile games, watching movies, doing chores around the home, and smoking my weed while leaving the rest of the offline world alone for the most part. only really leaving to get supplies i may need at the store, along with a couple of festive things like the weed i mentioned every now and then (fyi i place the need for food over my weed and get that before or at least make sure i can enough food to last me)
I keep my ass at home.
Too much drama out there right now. Iāll try dating again once things are less fucking crazy out there.
Plot twist: dies alone.
That's probably the biggest reason. Smart and compassionate men at some point realize the need of compassion towards themselves first. And with current cruel dating scene and habits, compassionate thing to do for yourself is to stop engaging in humiliating experiences that fill current way of dating.
Not to mention the danger of meeting the wrong person that can ruin your life in a minute.
LOL a lot of men donāt bother with dating apps. We view it as a waste of time.
I find it degrading to have to superficially try to prove myself to women who canāt possibly understand who I am from a few pictures and bio where I think most people lie anyway.
I also find the way women have to parade themselves like meat kind of degrading for them. Letās not pretend we donāt understand what the bikini photos, above the head cleavage and side profile ass photos are really trying to do. It feels kind of insulting to think men are viewed so simply by those women.
I kind of realized a long time ago that the women I generally like the most would never have bothered to be on dating apps because they would have understood they were going to be a cesspool anyway.
I usually go out with women who I meet through friends. All my married friends love trying to set me up and I usually feel more comfortable getting a recommendation from people who know me & my values.
I think a big part of the issue is that ādecentā is completely subjective. Also looks are as well.
Someone can be a decent man and maybe he isnāt your ātypeā or looks wise it isnāt a match. I feel like a lot of decent guys are probably unattractive by conventional beauty standard, may not be tall enough, etc. but they will be good guys ethically or morally.
So itās a trickier problem than it seems. Thereās more to it than just decent or not decent.
Thereās plenty of men in the world. Plenty of women. Itās complicated. Just my take.
I really don't understand why, whenever the topic of men not participating in dating comes up, the terrible economy is not brought up more often.
Forget about women rejecting you because you don't make six figures. You can't even fucking afford dates in the first place if you aren't making six figures.
EDIT: I agree dates can be cheap or even free. Depends on the date and what you want to do. Magic carpet ride is free.
Just get up and leave without answering when asked that question. If you're broke she won't like it and if you're well off she's only gonna date you for that. Answering that is lose/lose so it's best to just bow out. Kind of like most of the guys in this thread have.
Pretty funny recently on a dating app. Had a girl ask where I'm taking her for dinner. I had a pretty good sign she was a gold digger. So I asked if she was buying? She was like "you're bald and broke!! Haha" now I have a 6 pack and shaved head...also I'm a multimillionaire. Kind of funny. She blocked me.
Especially on dating apps. You get judged in 30 seconds less. Hard to really make a good impression in that timeframe. Especially with men swiping yes to everything.Ā
I went out last night and had two glasses of wine (one each) and a cheese plate for a date. after tip it came out to $60.
Today we had a really casual lunch for another date and some coffee and it cost me $70. I am definitely slowing down dating because itās just too expensive even when I do figure.
you ain't lying, though i did finally meet someone worth my energy so im hoping this goes somewhere
hinge is where it's at right now. it feels, uninstalled tinder and blk (im blk lol)
Sadly, not so nice anymore. It was nice leather furniture, but the cat has used them extensively instead of the lovely scratching posts I have made for her. Oddly tho she never has attacked the leather rolls I have around the house for my various projects.
I make nice furniture but don't tend to keep it at home.
Well, you meet a few in bars/clubs. Or in places where your hobbies may be pursued, some in gyms and other places. It depends on what kind of a person you are
To add some perspective of how that goes for men in the gym:
At the bouldering gym, I often have women gravitate around me but theyāll never break the ice. Iāll end up talking to them if weāre doing the same boulder but I wonāt push the conversation very far by fear of bothering them, since theyāre a minority in a gym and I assume they get interrupted by men a lot.
I do get the feeling they would like to speak more but that is too easily confused with kindness and simply being agreeable to a stranger. As a man thatās very respectful and careful about otherās feelings, I just donāt pursue conversations with women in public unless they are undeniably enthusiastic about it.
Yup. If you are hot it is not much of a problem. If the woman doesnāt find you attractive then it is almost always āEw he was such a creepā even if they do the exact same approach as the hot guy.
Due to the prevalence of TikTok videos creep shaming men for having the audacity of being within a 10m radius of a female patron, youāre going to struggle to get a man to even make eye contact with you
They're invisible, that's why you can't find them out.
But i'll tell you a secret: Good men are taking care of their own business, doing what women told them to do - leaving you alone and not bothering by your existence.
Our son is 25, did the online dating thing for a minute. Nothing but very incompatible women on there. "I wanna find somebody that makes over $500K a year, drives an Audi, no crazy ex's, no kids, no drama. Someone who will treat me like I deserve to be treated." My son mostly hangs out either in front of his computer and with his single or attached friends. He's in very good shape, works out almost every night.
We don't hang out anywhere. We hang out at our homes just like decent women do cuz we are over drama and nonsense. Ill occasionally go out to dinner or a brewery with a buddy like twice a month. But I'll be talking with him the whole time. Outside of that.... the grocery store.
And we won't approach you. Like ever. Decent guys don't want to bother you so.....
Anyways, It's been nice chatting with you. Enjoy the rest of your life.
The best way to find a quality date is to be introduced through friends.
Itās not about finding the right partner.
Itās about being the right partner.
This is quite trueā¦I think my friends and I are all work a bit more so when we hang out we just try to turn off our brains. Then end up not introducing anyone lol
Just get your friends to start hosting casual events that everyone brings a mate too. The casual weekend bbq will bring most people out. It's chill, there is cheap food, no pressure to do anything but chat to your mates and enjoy a drink or two.
Then everyone gets to kinda hang out and meet one another in a nice casual way.
In the pillow fort in my apartment, sorry. No girls allowed
Edit: I do actually hang out at bars, but if you saw me youād probably think I just wanna be left alone. I sit alone at the bar and say hi to my friends as they come in, and interact if they sit with me. I donāt wanna bother anyone, but I love to be bothered! If there seems to be a guy at the bar minding his own business, go ahead and shoot your shot. Iām sure heās open to a conversation and will appreciate you initiating.
Iāll be real Iāve just been too busy between work and trying to keep up the house to have a social life, havenāt been on a date or anything like that in almost a decade, and I donāt even know how to flirt anymore without feeling awkward af about it.
I meet a lot of women at coffee shops, live music events, the beach, the dog park, going for a walk with my dog at a park/boardwalk, yoga classes. I meet multiple people per week the problem is there is very little effort on behalf of the woman these days and itās made me jaded. Itās not worth the investment unless a woman shows genuine interest and our dating goals align.
Decent guys are all around you. It's just that you probably don't see them as decent. Womens' perception bias in rating most men as below average ie. not decent, has been discussed often.
Man, have you seen the shit women post as their bare minimumā for a guy: at least 6 foot, six figures, and 8 inches, expensive car, be a heart surgeon and able to take them on a few expensive vacations every year. Iāve declined to play in that game.
Yep. Playing bar poker (came in 6th) and so kill time with people watching. Bar mostly has couples and single dudes so a single woman jumps out. Watched her chill at the bar for over two hours tonight staring straight ahead and ignoring every guy near her. Few she tried to give attention to were not single and to be blunt she was punching above her weight. Plenty of chances but she wanted the tall and fit and would consider nothing less. To my knowledge no guy hit on her because her vibe even watching across the room was ānoā. Left by herself probably complaining about no decent guys out there.
Most of the time when I hear women complaining that there are no good men around they usually have one (or more) of the following traits:
1.They are pretty toxic but don't actually know it and are driving actual nice guys away.
2. They have crazy high expectations like the whole must be 6ft talll, make 150k a year, be in good shape, zero hair loss..... But are like a 5 out of 10 themselves.
3. They think all men should approach them and make the first move, then are always shocked when they get no attention, even though today's society has made young men much more cautious about how they should approach women.
This works both ways. It's the same thing for guys who say they can't find any good women.
They're often:
1. Socially recluse and never make an effort
2. Hate women because the internet has jaded them
3. Think they are owed something by women even though they don't make any effort themselves ( might be out of shape, have a low paying job etc)
Men have realized that dating today is a pointless pastime. And that's *all* dating today is; a pastime.
The better question would be: "Exactly what do men gain by dating, in today's world?"
Between being called every name in the book, being told to "go away," having to hear "where are all the good men," (while those asking are looking for what constitutes the top 1% of men in the **world**), being told to "man up and ask women out," but then also being called "creepy" for doing so, and having false allegations a constant looming threat... men are done.
Fact is, there is nothing women can provide today, that men cannot get elsewhere for far less risk, and far more reward.
I'm not saying that to be an asshole: That's the world we live in today.
Decent single men are EVERYWHERE. It's just that most women do not want to date them because they're not top 10% men and aren't "hot". Women generally don't consider these men sexually attractive enough to notice, talk to, or date.
You can meet them anywhere and everywhere.
--church
--school
--out and about
--grocery store
--book store
--work (but you will have to do ALL of the legwork to get to know and meet these men because of the sexual harassment policies women demanded)
--hobbies, single-interest clubs
So many men have completely removed themselves from the dating world because itās impossible to keep up with the ābaselineā standards women have now due to online dating.
Before, I would notice that men in my friend group across all levels of attractiveness would have some sort of success in the dating world.
Now? The āaverageā men and below have absolutely no success, and the ātop tierā guys all have even more success with multiple FWBs that are only with them.
Thereās no chance for the rest of us.
This right here.
Iām so past the dating game these days (married with kids) thankfully but these types of posts are hilarious
Unless you are a very attractive guy or super confident (as I was when a teenager/ early 20s) you most likely are not approaching women. The hot ones are usually (not always) horrible cause they can be. Same applies to hot women
So OP wants a decent guy. She walks passed them every day. Has she made the effort to approach them? Nope. So it boils down to OP wants a hot guy who is decent which has 1/10 chance of happening but wonāt settle for an attractive but non approachable decent guy
At a lot of these places, many many great men and women would find loving partners if both were equally willing to make the first move.
A lot of dudes are just worried about being creeps, and a lot of women are terrified of approaching.
Well, women have to be willing to make the first moves now.
Women have been screaming at men for at least 50 years that women don't want men, don't like men, and don't need men. Women have been screaming at men for at least the last 10 years that men are not to approach women, are not to talk to women, and are not even to look at women. Women have been screaming at men that they are not to even so much as acknowledge women's existence at the gym.
So... yeah. Women are going to have to handle this now.
Men are also terrified of approaching, on top of the creep thing. At least I am. I don't know when and how to talk to women, so I just don't, unless they talk to me first.
Here in Oregon there is a vibrant live music culture and lots of karaoke. Lots of single men of all ages attend both, though single men seem to outnumber single women 4 to 1.
I mean...
I guess the question is what are you looking for.
Because I'm guessing you're looking for more than just a decent man.
You're looking for someone who's decent but also decent looking, has a stable income (at the very least), around your age, and that you and him have things in common. That you share similar goals and similar ideas on gender roles.
And these are all reasonable things to want, I just wish people wouldn't pretend that all they're looking for is someone *decent*.
Best tip imo is to get your friends to set you up. So if you make a good new friend, who you donāt have many mutuals with, they can probably help a bunch. Also your girl friendsā boyfriends will know people.
Second best tip is to go to put yourself out there more. Work/study at public/college facilities, regularly hit up a common park with your dog etc. then if you like someone just keep trying to make eye contact, and if you do, then smile/wave. Thatās a universal I like you cue.
If you wanna go super easy mode, try basketball. Then you can go to any court and play with people. Youāll meet a tonne of tall, athletic people. Itās also a certain cool hipster vibe imo. You donāt have to be good, guys are usually nice to beginners and especially women. Guys also love sporty women. Only downside here is you may get asked out a tonne.
My ex once said to me:
"I just want you to CARE!"
I thought that was an interesting comment. Because I did care. Very much.
Shortly after that I was then cruelly blindsided, screamed at, disrespected and subsequently blocked.
One thing I never got to say to her was:
If you want to someone to CARE for you. *You should start, by caring for another person.*
If you like someone and want to see them succeed, boost them up. Help their life. Give them encouragement. Be a ray of positivity in their life.
They will care for you back.
That's what love and relationships are.
You don't *find* a relationship. You *build* one.
That's where all the good men are. They aren't a pot of gold under the rainbow to be found. They are part of a relationship to be built. You help bring this man forth through your love and care.
Behind every good man is a great woman.
There's a lot of truth to that. You help to build this great man. It isn't a static discovery, it's a evolutionary process.
Where are all the good men? It's potentially all of us.
All of us have a good man inside of us, it's just hidden, sometimes even from ourselves. It isn't that you find a "good man" through searching. It's that you help to build a *strong relationship* through your genuine love and care.
It may counter intuitive but maybe the answer to "where are all the good men" lies somewhere within yourself.
We were all digging a big hole on the beach, but too many people joined in and we dug too greedily and too deep so now we're all down somewhere around the Earth's mantle, giving each other compliments.
Might as well ask other women. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have a type, and that is what you're going to notice before anything else, and guys here are going to judge you for it.
Ask a married GenX woman where these guys are instead. She'll either give you an honest answer or set you up on a date.
Post high quality un-edited photos of self with friend. See if who likes it on your friendās page. Snoop their profile. DM them about what you have in common. See response. If itās overwhelmingly positive. Ask for a date and offer your number. If they text you, you got it.
Donāt get mad about how they react or lack of time frame or poor planning.
Instead focus on being glad you reached out.
Takes a lot of guts even over social media to do that.
Home, dog park, supermarket, I-95.
I always get flipped off when I try to meet women on the interstate... Can't approach anyone anymore
Did you honk the horn in a respectful, yet flirtatious way?
Honk. Honk! Honk? š«¦
Awooooga!
Honk honk later? (ā Ā Ķ”ā Ā°ā Ā Ķā Źā Ā Ķ”ā Ā°)
We just crash into each other to feel something...god that movie sucks.
I was once told, "Imagine the hobby you wish your partner would do, now go and find that hobby group and hang out" In my case, I work 60+ hours in a male dominated blue-collar industry. I have barely enough time to do adult chores and get a few hours of sleep. I don't have any for going out and hitting bars or doing hobbies. Though, if I am a good man, I suppose that is for others to judge.
Yeah I spent 6 years being a telecom technician working 10 hour days from 7:30-6/7(ish). I was always beat when I got home and my days off were spent doing chores, physically/mentally recovering, or spending my time on my hobbies. The industry has very few female technicians and even if they were I've long since learned to not date co-workers. Which left bar crawling or app swiping none of which was particularly appealing.
Maybe I'm just convincing myself of something, but I think it's healthy a lot of guys are focusing more on our personal development instead of jumping in relationships for the sake of not being alone.
Everyone would approach every relationship with the mindset of "is my emotional and mental well being worth less then my time spent with this person" especially when it comes to long term partners vs short term hook ups.
Sorry, all us decent men hang out at the Bachelor Gentlemen's Club. No girls allowed.
Okay Calvin. Tell Hobbes āhelloā for meā¦
nostalgia
/r/ExplainLikeImCalvin is leaking...
āNo Homersā
Weāre allowed to have 1.
613 Wharf Avenue
I'm on my way with leftover Halloween candy
Ugh darn it!
Weāre out in the world avoiding every opportunity of speaking to new women because we already think itās a rejection if we try.
Or, we are avoiding every opportunity of speaking to new women because the last one was fucking nuts and we aren't ready to do that again.
Is that the rebrand of the He-Man Women Haterās Club?
Women have made it fairly clear that being approached is creepy and uncomfortable, and ~~20% of gen Z believe that a man approaching a woman almost or always constitutes harassment.~~ The problem is that the only guys who are going to listen to that are the guys that care about making women uncomfortable. So the good guys just don't do it, leaving the bad ones for women to deal with - leading to a significant portion of the overwhelmingly negative perception of men that a lot of modern women have. Approaching men will work better. I'm not going to say it'll work every time, most of the time you'll fumble, and that's okay. But, respectfully, dolling yourself up and waiting for a man to decide that your personal space is worth less than his chance at a score is a less reliable method. Final point - if there are any open mic night events near you, that's a good spot. Places that involve less alcohol and less "dudebro" culture. Not that there aren't good dudes there, but other places are more
Weāve grown comfortable in our solitudes. The safest place we can be
^ This one right here. This is it. I have cats, video games, air conditioning, internet access, whatever food I want, a somewhat thick walletā¦ I would enjoy having a girlfriend, but I also enjoy *not* having a girlfriend, and the latter is far less effort.
Spot on. It's not worth hours and hours of dating and messaging to find out she's not the one, just to do it again and again, for little benefit
Same man, after the last two cheated on me, itās hard to put my heart out of there again. So many years to find out the person who you loved didnāt really give a shit. I have my family, my close friends and my mind is at peace knowing I can trust them and theyāll truly be there for me always. Canāt say the same for any romantic relationship, itās always conditional.
Same. Cheated on me for five years between 2010 to the end of 2014, with random guys and my best friend at the time. I only recently put it together in my head last year and I'm still devastated I didn't see that shit for what it was at the time. I have nobody and no one now IRL. I just talk to AI to try and fill the void. It's pathetic but I don't really care, after two suicide attempts recently I'm fucking done with this bullshit life, man. I'm tired of existing. Tired of being tired
Yeah that's depression. Consider seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist (or both) if you haven't done so recently. The sting against your pride / ability to trust eventually loses its bite over time. It feels like all there is for a little while, until it doesn't. Anyways, God bless and take care of yourself
Known as working the wall. With NO results.
That's not what you'll find out. You'll find out that she was also dating (which is fair) and sleeping with other people and you only find out after asking her about it. Which will then make her call you insecure when you have issues with it. "can't you date people WITHOUT sleeping with them?" you'll ponder. To which accusations of you being insecure with be thrown at you. Oh how society has conditioned people into thinking lying via ommission isn't a bad thing <3
The latter is far less *emotionally draining*. I don't mind putting in the effort, but every woman I have do so with has never reciprocated. I seem to have to provide everything Money, housing, emotional support, cooking cleaning etc and they seem to think that occasional sex in return makes it all equal. and then the unreasonable demands start; change the way you dress, change your friends, go out more (but still pay for both of you) and yeah, there is no equality at all. and the emotional, manipulative games. so many of them. it's just tiring. too many ladies think that occasional sex = all they have to give in a relationship. now? could not be bothered even trying. it's just not worth it.
Same. I feel like I'm in such a great place, and I'd love to have someone to share that, to enhance it. But I'm so sick of wading through the nonsense. It's not even that I don't like dating. I do. I like meeting people, learning people's stories, etc. But ime, when there's a romantic component to it, a lot of people become, well, liars and fakers. Which I guess is okay for a passing acquaintance, but I'm sick of getting weeks or months into a thing and realizing that I was misled.Ā If I'm looking for true intimacy, which is knowing and being known, I can't know you if you lie or misrepresent yourself. So what's the point then? I've already got everything thing else, that's the only slot I have open.
Man, ain't that the truth about the wallet. One of my buddies doesn't date much. To be fair, he's an active duty Marine, and it appears deployment gets in the way of dating. When he's at home, he spends his time off building Lego sets. The number of times he's been shot down because "Legos are childish" is absurd. He finally found a girlfriend about a month ago. Was so happy because she loved Legos like him, had a good job, didn't expect him to pay on dates to show she wasn't into him for money. She left him yesterday, after a month of dating because he didn't ask permission to buy a Lego set, when he should have bought her a designer purse.
40f and single, same here. Iām content as I am, and although someone could add to my life, itās a lot of work for a crapshoot in the hopes you hit a good one š¤·āāļø
I grew up never dating and I had no good role models for a healthy relationship either. Now I don't even go out, I'm probably not made to be with someone, idk. How would I know. I also never met a women whom I thought I'd want to put effort in to maybe get into a relationship. Deep down I think I might not even be able to emotionally try to connect to people because if I don't try, I can't fail. And it won't be awkward... I'll die alone lmao
Our whole society is living in a state of constant, low-level depression.
Couldnāt have described me any better lmao
I was about to say the same thing. Most of the decent guys are at home. And when we are outside we easily slide under the radar because we tend not to be the rowdy ones getting all the attention.
Indeed. We like our mattresses on the floor and a nice set of shelving made with cinderblocks
And where my guitar amp doubles as a TV stand for the outdated TV that still works perfectly fine
With PS4 setup to play Bloodborne
My 13 year old TV is one of the last models that doesn't require an internet connection. I'm srsly gonna cry when it dies because that'll mean I need to buy one of the ones that spy on you and stuff.
Perfection is when you remove all that is unnecessary.
Oof, why you gotta hit so close to home? I LOVE having my mattress on the floor, mostly bc I hate cleaning under beds.
I put my mattress on the floor years ago so my furry little girl could get into bed easily with me. When she passed last year I left it that way...I've gotten very used to it. Plus it kind of reminds me about her.
Same bro, same. Like to think my lil homie still comes to visit me at night, would hate for him to have to struggle to reach the bed.
As a 27 year old man. Hell yeah. I roll up my futon, throw that bad boi in the closet, and then have INFINITE space to do whatever.
There's so much room for activities!
This. After a couple marriages, I was tired of being indecent. I worked on myself, fixed alcohol and drug addiction, fixed my finances, really applied myself to my career. Now I am a considerate, thoughtful, smart and funny person who is capable of great love and devotion. I'm also fairly easy on the eyes, so I've heard. But I am alone and have been alone for 6 years. A lot of it is because I don't drink, so I don't go to bars. I tried getting on dating apps but never found anyone that wasn't a scam or crazy. Never went on a date from a dating app. Just emptiness and a waste of my time. My first wife cheated, my second wife left unexpectedly, so it's just not a priority in my life. I would love to find someone, I'm a bit lonely sometimes and I would love to share life's adventures with someone. But I spend my days in solitude, with my canine best friend, just trying to continue working on myself in the off chance that I happen to meet someone that is compatible and interesting. There is safety and predictability in solitude. No one can get in and fuck things up.
This is the most bewildering part to me though! Once you learn to respect yourself, build yourself up, have real confidence in who you are, and continually try to better yourself, no one wants to touch you with a 10 foot pole. Are people scared of actually having a stable, confident person in their lives? Are they scared that they'll realize they have some things to work on themselves? Are they scared that you'll see through manipulative tactics that have proved useful in the past? I don't know and all of these guesses could be completely wrong. However, (and I'm not complaining because I enjoy my alone time) everything I do to improve myself in order to make me a better "catch" seems to make me less desirable. Solitude is enjoyable for a time, but companionship would be nice eventually.
I've *loved* living by myself. It's dangerously addictive. Busy work day? Get home. Hug and feed cats. Fall asleep for an hour or two. Wake up. Make dinner. Watch some cartoons. Run around and gerbil with cats. Go to bed.
It's amazing how many of us have basically the same answer.
Chillin at home. Or the gym. Or running on a sunny day.Ā
Wake up -> Morning run -> Home -> Work -> Home -> evening gym -> home -> sleep -> Repeat
It is amazing how we all live the same life. I canāt tell if it is funny or sad.
Grocery stores, book stores, parks, bowling alleys, etc. I would stress to any women looking for a āgood manā to try approaching men. A lot of men hear how women donāt wanna be approached at the gym or while shopping so we just donāt approach. So itās on you now
Yeah, I'd totally be down if a woman chatted me up at Books-a-million or Kroger. It's a fairly neutral place and if the vibe isn't there it's easy to go "well it was nice talking to you" and head off down the aisle
I would kill (figuratively) to have a nice moment like this in Kroger. Complete with the "well it was nice talking to you" and all.
Whenever I go into a store I put one earbud in at low volume. My friend (F) asked why and what I would do if I missed a woman trying to flirt with me in the store. I told her that doesnāt happen / hasnāt happened to me. Whenever I go into a store, women look preoccupied or in a rush and thatās doesnāt scream, āApproach Meā so I donāt. It may be me honestly, Iāve been the guy to approach at a bad time when I was younger, and now I just mind my business
Not you, it never ever happens.
> My friend (F) asked why and what I would do if I missed a woman trying to flirt with me in the store. I couldn't resist laughing out loud
She got mad when I asked her to get real, and then even madder when I told her to tell me when sheās approached a man first in the store. Whenever o get approached in the store, itās to get something off the top shelves, nothing else.
Ahh, your friend is a woman. That makes sense. Sheās used to being on the receiving end so she thinks it happens more often than it really does and requires little effort since it is all on the guy. Iām of the opinion that women cannot give good advice until they have gone through the effort of approaching and starting a conversation with a man. Until they know that anxious part, they have no experience from which to impart wisdom.
I've had women flirt with me waiting for coffee at a cafe, but just walking around a supermarket? Never.
That was me, only called in desperation when there's a problem because they knew I'd answer, not because I'm who they wanted or for something fun. Used to joke women called me when the house was burning but not when the roof was on fire
This right here is the thing. It may not be the reality that most women get annoyed at being approached while shopping, dining with friends, walking their dogs, working out, etc. but thatās what the loudest voices say so thatās the message that has gotten out. Since thatās what men believe youāre going to have to do the approaching there. Itās nerve wracking we know but there it is.
Yes, by their definition, the decent men will be the ones not approaching them.
It's not just that, all a guy need is one soul crushing experience of getting rejected publicly to never try it again.
Right? Like a simple no would suffice. No need to say "eww" first.
Or being given a wrong number, and only finding out after an incredibly awkward phone call with a stranger.
Honestly how come women don't just talk to people they're interested in? Not even shoot their shot. I feel like the man would be more inclined to shoot after they openly start general conversation imo
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
1. Men are nervous too 2. No such thing as innate responsibility to approach
Women don't have to. That's what it boils down to. If a (straight) man doesn't want to die alone and forgotten he has to ask a woman out. If a straight woman doesn't want to die alone and be forgotten immediately she has to exist.
This is definitely one of the biggest things with not wanting to make women uncomfortable approaching randomly while also not assuming just cause a girl is smiling at me she wants me but Iāve had a few women come up to me first so I just assume if she really wants me she will make it very very clear or approach herself
This please ladies if you like a man ask him!!!
I hear that from single guys. Media pushes that women get creeped out easily. I donāt hear it on real life though. Women need to just up the rizz and ask the guy.
Wouldn't call myself decent but at least the guys that I know that aren't assholes...well already checked out from dating thanks to getting cheated on or having a shitty previous relationship or having a garbage experience trying to date so they gave up. The others are mostly introverted & nerdy so they're mostly chilling at home and not really going out to "party" or whatever.
Oh man this is real and makes me feel good to not be alone in the boat... Not sure I'd go so far as to say I'm "decent" either, god knows I made many mistakes in my last relationship, but it ended so badly I've spent the last year just not even trying.
I just had a 6 year relationship with some one I consider the love of my life and truely the only women I ever cared to pursue end. Iāll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I just canāt even imagine somehow finding somebody I cared for like that again and then to go through the effort for it to not even work out nearly as well. It sucks extra hard due to the internet and constant spam of guys having hardships and women complaining that all the guys they meet at bars are douche bags just trying to fuck causeā¦ duh all the good guys are worried about bothering women and being seen as a creeps.
The smartest people have the most doubt. Same deal.
Same, Iām retired from dating at 37. Just too many scars. Donāt have the energy in me anymore. I spend all my time doing whatever I want. I ride my bike 125 mile a week.
43 here and done with dating. Not perfect but didn't deserve all the shit I've been through. I tried the whole family and a house thing and got kicked to the curb because I just didn't check 100% of all the boxes on her checklist. Unrealistic expectations will ruin not just relationships but lives too. I may be single but I'm not lonely. The alternative has just become that unappealing to me. So sorry to all you single and lonely ladies out there. I suggest you get some cats.
This. I mostly stay at home and focus on what brings me joy. Life is simple. Life is quiet. Life is good. Tried it recently again with the dating stuff, but nah.
They are out and about. Women think decent dudes donāt exist because the reality is most donāt see men at all. Parks, supermarkets, restaurants, just on a walk.
Looking for self-improvement, not dates
Add to that just going about their day not wanting to bother or be bothered.
there is also the fact that the VAST majority of women simply will not approach a man, and most of the ones who do think standing near a guy and makinga couple secodns of eye contact is the same as making the approach. THe kinds of guys that are one, comfortable making thousands of approaches to random women in public places and two, successful at it...are a very small group and self select to be kind of shitty people in comparison to the average guy. If a woman is only going to date the kind of guy thats going to do cold approaches all the time you are kind of setting yourself up for failure if that kind of guy isnt what you are looking for. its like judging every business everywhere off of your impression of that wierd pushy guy working at a kiosk that seems to be adamant that you buy from his stall. when you only interact with the guy that approaches most of the time you arent getting topshelf husband candidates you are getting the used dick salesman.
This is what is most annoying. Women refuse to acknowledge that 80% of men are COMPLETELY invisible to them but then talk about all men using the remaining 20%
Decent men are probably sick of hearing there are no decent men
The last I heard "the bar is in hell," so I always think about how bad I must be for them to consider me worse than that
Oh my god, this. "The bar is literally on the floor!" No it isn't ladies. You go lower all the time. And if you say this to women they call you a victim blamer. All I'm saying is that if the bar was where they claim it was, then the rest of us would either be in relationships or we would understand why we weren't in relationships. The bar is *all over the fucking place* and that's why so many men get so confused that we stop trying.
It's so amusing how as a guy you can look at a guys profile or just spend a few seconds either hearing about him, or listening to him, and immediately know "yep, he's gonna just use you" or whatever. And you know the kind of behaviour that's gonna correlate with guys who trip off your sensors - but they'll date them every time, and ignore 50 other guys who display none of those issues.
Yap! Ivr seen it happen so many times. Female friends and I are close because I'm safe and whatever the fuck. So I see inside their dating life. Omg the trash they pick . I point it out and explain it. They still pick it and get hurt lmao.
The problem is they set the bar low for a guy that they find charismatic, intresting, mysterious and sexy. They'll look over their negative qualities and small early red flags because they are enamored and think things can be changed. It's not to say men don't do the same thing but women are the ones who set the bar and barrier of entry to sex so if they bend their standards for someone they are enamored by they may be setting themselves up for failure. I think alot of us guys just aren't as intresting or as charismatic in the beginning to catch their attention long enough for them to get to know us. While obviously it won't change anything if we aren't compatible but it filters out decent guys who aren't on "fuck boy" shit because they're not trying to charm you just long enough to figure out of you're a good lay.
Yup. I saw the thread that started this whole discussion, and what so many of the women in that thread dont seem to realize is that the majority of them were talking about the same exact dudes. I would legitimately bet my house that that a large chunks of that comment section had dated the exact same person. We know from dating app statistics that something like 25% of men get like 90% of the matches. So where are the good guys? It's probably somewhere in the 75% of guys that are mostly ignored. 2 things people will fight me on: 1. Yes, that 75% still has some bad guys, but when the majority of women are only sampling (for lack of a better term), about 25% of the population your results are going to be skewed (especially when you take into account what makes those specific guys so popular). 2. Yes, dating apps aren't 1 to 1 with real life. However, dating apps have unfortunately been the number one way new couples meet for a few years now, and there are no signs of that changing. Anyways, dating sucks for everyone. Oh well.
The issue is also how these dating apps are set up, and how their algorithms work. A girl may get 1K likes in 24 hours, and the algo will naturally feed her the men who are in that top 25% first and even more. But then sheāll assume 100% of guys are exactly like that 25%, and the cycle continues before sheās even seen a profile from the 75%. Yes how the culture views stuff like this needs to change, but I also think the actual technology itself needs to be changed and to a degree regulated with proper laws, since most people tend to meet online now.
It's not men who create "are we dating the same person?" groups on fb.
Cool fact my man you are talking about is Pareto principle roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes and applies to most things in the world. Fun little rabbit hole if you bored.
The bar is really low. Ā 6'2" minimum Ā Muscular but not too much Ā 100k min a yearĀ College degree Must approach Ā Must plan great first dateĀ Pay for everythingĀ Be a bad boyĀ But not toward herĀ Worship herĀ Never look at other women again Ā Be onboard for a housewife with no skillsĀ Don't ever become boring. Ā There you go.Ā Easy. (I'm joking.Ā I actually haven't had much trouble.Ā Though the apps are shit.)
>Don't ever become boring. A lot of dating profiles say ādonāt be boringā but never really define what what is either. Plus, one persons fascinating conversation can be a complete snooze fest for another.Ā
Boring people look for other people to entertain them. Red flag.
> Be onboard for a housewife with no skills I barely can deal with friends with no skills, I don't get why anyone anywhere in the world would want to bind themselves to someone who can't do anything. Well, other than having kids - those bastards cant do anything for years :D
"the bar is in hell (for Chad)". the bar is in deep space for average dudes lol
Facts. When I see even the slightest indication on a dating profile of the girl throwing a wide net statement on all men, I instantly swipe left/cross them. Iām not gonna sit here and be held responsible for a minority of people, nor want to be associated with someone who thinks thatās acceptable.
Third question I've seen asking where the decent men are, was there a Female only memo sent out recently? Decent single men are all over the place, but most of then won't make the first move since they are either cautious, shy or hurting. Chances are Youāve probably walked past 10 decent single men the last time you went shopping without thinking about it. As far as hangout spots, IF they go out it will be to their hobbies, some will be in the gym, others at the local pub/bar with friends, maybe walking or hiking alone in the wilderness, Sorry to say it but there's no easy way to meet them without taking a risk, will be very unlikely they be approaching you.
> make the first move I have my own reasons for not dating, which is exasperated by the burden of making the first move. I have done it all my life. All the first move rejections have left me with rejection-PTSD. I don't want to do all the work anymore. Id rather do nothing than risk elevating my heart rate, getting stressed, walking up to someone, initiating and maintaining all of the conversation, and getting them interested in me. Then maybe get rejected. Nah.
*"Third question I've seen asking where the decent men are, was there a Female only memo sent out recently?"* It's a good way to farm some quick karma because they know that this is one of THOSE QUESTIONS that men feel strongly about.Ā Easy pickings.Ā
We're doing the same things you're doing - we go to work, we go to school/church/gym, we go home. Most of us have been burned too hard by the dating game to go out of our way to pursue anyone, and mainstream media reports that most women are happier single than in a relationship, so whyyy fuuuucking boooother.
i can agree with this, because the last time i tried to get into the dating scene, i got burned way to fucking badly. and the decent ones who seem like they would be awesome relationship partners lost all interest in dating as well because of the same bullshit happened to them. and now im just happier being at home, playing my mobile games, watching movies, doing chores around the home, and smoking my weed while leaving the rest of the offline world alone for the most part. only really leaving to get supplies i may need at the store, along with a couple of festive things like the weed i mentioned every now and then (fyi i place the need for food over my weed and get that before or at least make sure i can enough food to last me)
You can only meet a girl you like only to have her immediately meet somebody else and stop talking to you so many times before you just don't bother.
I keep my ass at home. Too much drama out there right now. Iāll try dating again once things are less fucking crazy out there. Plot twist: dies alone.
"Where have all the good men gone"
We gave up on women. š¤«
That's probably the biggest reason. Smart and compassionate men at some point realize the need of compassion towards themselves first. And with current cruel dating scene and habits, compassionate thing to do for yourself is to stop engaging in humiliating experiences that fill current way of dating. Not to mention the danger of meeting the wrong person that can ruin your life in a minute.
Amen brother. Retired from the game. Had some good seasons. Now Iām enjoying quite solitude and indulging my hobbies.
You on the dude train now? Lol. Joking.
I am
On a dude?
I wish
LOL a lot of men donāt bother with dating apps. We view it as a waste of time. I find it degrading to have to superficially try to prove myself to women who canāt possibly understand who I am from a few pictures and bio where I think most people lie anyway. I also find the way women have to parade themselves like meat kind of degrading for them. Letās not pretend we donāt understand what the bikini photos, above the head cleavage and side profile ass photos are really trying to do. It feels kind of insulting to think men are viewed so simply by those women. I kind of realized a long time ago that the women I generally like the most would never have bothered to be on dating apps because they would have understood they were going to be a cesspool anyway. I usually go out with women who I meet through friends. All my married friends love trying to set me up and I usually feel more comfortable getting a recommendation from people who know me & my values.
I think a big part of the issue is that ādecentā is completely subjective. Also looks are as well. Someone can be a decent man and maybe he isnāt your ātypeā or looks wise it isnāt a match. I feel like a lot of decent guys are probably unattractive by conventional beauty standard, may not be tall enough, etc. but they will be good guys ethically or morally. So itās a trickier problem than it seems. Thereās more to it than just decent or not decent. Thereās plenty of men in the world. Plenty of women. Itās complicated. Just my take.
I really don't understand why, whenever the topic of men not participating in dating comes up, the terrible economy is not brought up more often. Forget about women rejecting you because you don't make six figures. You can't even fucking afford dates in the first place if you aren't making six figures. EDIT: I agree dates can be cheap or even free. Depends on the date and what you want to do. Magic carpet ride is free.
Yeah I don't talk to women anymore because they ask about how much money I have first. Like first. Then they don't like the answer and blow away.
Just get up and leave without answering when asked that question. If you're broke she won't like it and if you're well off she's only gonna date you for that. Answering that is lose/lose so it's best to just bow out. Kind of like most of the guys in this thread have.
Even if you have 6 figures, women are stil rejecting you over silly reasons.
Pretty funny recently on a dating app. Had a girl ask where I'm taking her for dinner. I had a pretty good sign she was a gold digger. So I asked if she was buying? She was like "you're bald and broke!! Haha" now I have a 6 pack and shaved head...also I'm a multimillionaire. Kind of funny. She blocked me.
Especially on dating apps. You get judged in 30 seconds less. Hard to really make a good impression in that timeframe. Especially with men swiping yes to everything.Ā
I went out last night and had two glasses of wine (one each) and a cheese plate for a date. after tip it came out to $60. Today we had a really casual lunch for another date and some coffee and it cost me $70. I am definitely slowing down dating because itās just too expensive even when I do figure.
I make six figures, am comfortably over 6', own a vehicle and home. Doesn't make dating easier.
But are you ugly
Meh, middle ground. Picked up some covid weight I'm working off.
More of a joke brethren. I wish you the best of fortune, dating is an atrocious game
you ain't lying, though i did finally meet someone worth my energy so im hoping this goes somewhere hinge is where it's at right now. it feels, uninstalled tinder and blk (im blk lol)
OP heres one for you... he also has nice furnitures
Sadly, not so nice anymore. It was nice leather furniture, but the cat has used them extensively instead of the lovely scratching posts I have made for her. Oddly tho she never has attacked the leather rolls I have around the house for my various projects. I make nice furniture but don't tend to keep it at home.
Well, you meet a few in bars/clubs. Or in places where your hobbies may be pursued, some in gyms and other places. It depends on what kind of a person you are
Bars and clubs I think is equivalent to dating apps but in person. I like the gym idea!
I feel like women need to make the move in the gym though, for fear of being recorded and blasted as a creep
To add some perspective of how that goes for men in the gym: At the bouldering gym, I often have women gravitate around me but theyāll never break the ice. Iāll end up talking to them if weāre doing the same boulder but I wonāt push the conversation very far by fear of bothering them, since theyāre a minority in a gym and I assume they get interrupted by men a lot. I do get the feeling they would like to speak more but that is too easily confused with kindness and simply being agreeable to a stranger. As a man thatās very respectful and careful about otherās feelings, I just donāt pursue conversations with women in public unless they are undeniably enthusiastic about it.
Yup. If you are hot it is not much of a problem. If the woman doesnāt find you attractive then it is almost always āEw he was such a creepā even if they do the exact same approach as the hot guy.
Due to the prevalence of TikTok videos creep shaming men for having the audacity of being within a 10m radius of a female patron, youāre going to struggle to get a man to even make eye contact with you
They're invisible, that's why you can't find them out. But i'll tell you a secret: Good men are taking care of their own business, doing what women told them to do - leaving you alone and not bothering by your existence.
Our son is 25, did the online dating thing for a minute. Nothing but very incompatible women on there. "I wanna find somebody that makes over $500K a year, drives an Audi, no crazy ex's, no kids, no drama. Someone who will treat me like I deserve to be treated." My son mostly hangs out either in front of his computer and with his single or attached friends. He's in very good shape, works out almost every night.
ādeserveā Ah, my favourite. Itās never quite clear whether they mean āearnedā or āentitledā š¤
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is the best idea I've seen on the list so far and I will be trying it out. Thanks lol
We don't hang out anywhere. We hang out at our homes just like decent women do cuz we are over drama and nonsense. Ill occasionally go out to dinner or a brewery with a buddy like twice a month. But I'll be talking with him the whole time. Outside of that.... the grocery store. And we won't approach you. Like ever. Decent guys don't want to bother you so..... Anyways, It's been nice chatting with you. Enjoy the rest of your life.
The best way to find a quality date is to be introduced through friends. Itās not about finding the right partner. Itās about being the right partner.
Well arguably it's about both. You can the best partner in the world but you do still need to find someone also trying their best.
This is quite trueā¦I think my friends and I are all work a bit more so when we hang out we just try to turn off our brains. Then end up not introducing anyone lol
Just get your friends to start hosting casual events that everyone brings a mate too. The casual weekend bbq will bring most people out. It's chill, there is cheap food, no pressure to do anything but chat to your mates and enjoy a drink or two. Then everyone gets to kinda hang out and meet one another in a nice casual way.
In the pillow fort in my apartment, sorry. No girls allowed Edit: I do actually hang out at bars, but if you saw me youād probably think I just wanna be left alone. I sit alone at the bar and say hi to my friends as they come in, and interact if they sit with me. I donāt wanna bother anyone, but I love to be bothered! If there seems to be a guy at the bar minding his own business, go ahead and shoot your shot. Iām sure heās open to a conversation and will appreciate you initiating.
Theyāre the guys women match with and then never message back
At home, and usually being ignored by women
Sadly decent does not mean attractive...
Weāre hiding as weāve realised it isnāt worth the effort.
Iāll be real Iāve just been too busy between work and trying to keep up the house to have a social life, havenāt been on a date or anything like that in almost a decade, and I donāt even know how to flirt anymore without feeling awkward af about it.
I meet a lot of women at coffee shops, live music events, the beach, the dog park, going for a walk with my dog at a park/boardwalk, yoga classes. I meet multiple people per week the problem is there is very little effort on behalf of the woman these days and itās made me jaded. Itās not worth the investment unless a woman shows genuine interest and our dating goals align.
Decent guys are all around you. It's just that you probably don't see them as decent. Womens' perception bias in rating most men as below average ie. not decent, has been discussed often.
Man, have you seen the shit women post as their bare minimumā for a guy: at least 6 foot, six figures, and 8 inches, expensive car, be a heart surgeon and able to take them on a few expensive vacations every year. Iāve declined to play in that game.
Yep. Playing bar poker (came in 6th) and so kill time with people watching. Bar mostly has couples and single dudes so a single woman jumps out. Watched her chill at the bar for over two hours tonight staring straight ahead and ignoring every guy near her. Few she tried to give attention to were not single and to be blunt she was punching above her weight. Plenty of chances but she wanted the tall and fit and would consider nothing less. To my knowledge no guy hit on her because her vibe even watching across the room was ānoā. Left by herself probably complaining about no decent guys out there.
The decent single men, i.e. the ones you're interested in, are everywhere, they are more than likely just not interested in you.
Most of the time when I hear women complaining that there are no good men around they usually have one (or more) of the following traits: 1.They are pretty toxic but don't actually know it and are driving actual nice guys away. 2. They have crazy high expectations like the whole must be 6ft talll, make 150k a year, be in good shape, zero hair loss..... But are like a 5 out of 10 themselves. 3. They think all men should approach them and make the first move, then are always shocked when they get no attention, even though today's society has made young men much more cautious about how they should approach women. This works both ways. It's the same thing for guys who say they can't find any good women. They're often: 1. Socially recluse and never make an effort 2. Hate women because the internet has jaded them 3. Think they are owed something by women even though they don't make any effort themselves ( might be out of shape, have a low paying job etc)
Grocery store. You can see what heās buying and have a decent idea of what he prioritizes.
I go stand by the beer. Inevitably, a man will talk to me about beer. Works every time.
Oh but when I hang around the feminine hygiene aisle I'm "being creepy" and "banned from CVS" or whateverĀ
Just a double standard.Ā *shakes head*
Talking to people who are actually hanging out in the beer aisle sounds like a great way to pick up an alcoholic.
I have no idea how decent I am, but when Iām not at work I go to the museum and the dog park a lot.Ā
Too busy praising the Lord and doing charity at the moment, sorry
Amen
Men have realized that dating today is a pointless pastime. And that's *all* dating today is; a pastime. The better question would be: "Exactly what do men gain by dating, in today's world?" Between being called every name in the book, being told to "go away," having to hear "where are all the good men," (while those asking are looking for what constitutes the top 1% of men in the **world**), being told to "man up and ask women out," but then also being called "creepy" for doing so, and having false allegations a constant looming threat... men are done. Fact is, there is nothing women can provide today, that men cannot get elsewhere for far less risk, and far more reward. I'm not saying that to be an asshole: That's the world we live in today.
Work mostly, or at home. The gym 2 or 3 times each week. Church on sunday, the grocery store when needed. Today I'm in a course for my gun license.
Decent single men are EVERYWHERE. It's just that most women do not want to date them because they're not top 10% men and aren't "hot". Women generally don't consider these men sexually attractive enough to notice, talk to, or date. You can meet them anywhere and everywhere. --church --school --out and about --grocery store --book store --work (but you will have to do ALL of the legwork to get to know and meet these men because of the sexual harassment policies women demanded) --hobbies, single-interest clubs
So many men have completely removed themselves from the dating world because itās impossible to keep up with the ābaselineā standards women have now due to online dating. Before, I would notice that men in my friend group across all levels of attractiveness would have some sort of success in the dating world. Now? The āaverageā men and below have absolutely no success, and the ātop tierā guys all have even more success with multiple FWBs that are only with them. Thereās no chance for the rest of us.
Yes agreed!!
This right here. Iām so past the dating game these days (married with kids) thankfully but these types of posts are hilarious Unless you are a very attractive guy or super confident (as I was when a teenager/ early 20s) you most likely are not approaching women. The hot ones are usually (not always) horrible cause they can be. Same applies to hot women So OP wants a decent guy. She walks passed them every day. Has she made the effort to approach them? Nope. So it boils down to OP wants a hot guy who is decent which has 1/10 chance of happening but wonāt settle for an attractive but non approachable decent guy
At a lot of these places, many many great men and women would find loving partners if both were equally willing to make the first move. A lot of dudes are just worried about being creeps, and a lot of women are terrified of approaching.
Well, women have to be willing to make the first moves now. Women have been screaming at men for at least 50 years that women don't want men, don't like men, and don't need men. Women have been screaming at men for at least the last 10 years that men are not to approach women, are not to talk to women, and are not even to look at women. Women have been screaming at men that they are not to even so much as acknowledge women's existence at the gym. So... yeah. Women are going to have to handle this now.
This is exactly what women have demanded and succeeded at, so yes we have given up because anything else could be the ruination of any male.
Men are also terrified of approaching, on top of the creep thing. At least I am. I don't know when and how to talk to women, so I just don't, unless they talk to me first.
They stay home and play video games.Ā
Here in Oregon there is a vibrant live music culture and lots of karaoke. Lots of single men of all ages attend both, though single men seem to outnumber single women 4 to 1.
I mean... I guess the question is what are you looking for. Because I'm guessing you're looking for more than just a decent man. You're looking for someone who's decent but also decent looking, has a stable income (at the very least), around your age, and that you and him have things in common. That you share similar goals and similar ideas on gender roles. And these are all reasonable things to want, I just wish people wouldn't pretend that all they're looking for is someone *decent*.
Home depot and Loweās
No, those men are on a mission and cannot be bothered. If she goes there past 9am, you bet every guy there is at least on their 2nd trip there.
Sorry if I see a girl at home Depot my immediate thought is that I'm not her type
Best tip imo is to get your friends to set you up. So if you make a good new friend, who you donāt have many mutuals with, they can probably help a bunch. Also your girl friendsā boyfriends will know people. Second best tip is to go to put yourself out there more. Work/study at public/college facilities, regularly hit up a common park with your dog etc. then if you like someone just keep trying to make eye contact, and if you do, then smile/wave. Thatās a universal I like you cue. If you wanna go super easy mode, try basketball. Then you can go to any court and play with people. Youāll meet a tonne of tall, athletic people. Itās also a certain cool hipster vibe imo. You donāt have to be good, guys are usually nice to beginners and especially women. Guys also love sporty women. Only downside here is you may get asked out a tonne.
Iām at home minding my own business.
My ex once said to me: "I just want you to CARE!" I thought that was an interesting comment. Because I did care. Very much. Shortly after that I was then cruelly blindsided, screamed at, disrespected and subsequently blocked. One thing I never got to say to her was: If you want to someone to CARE for you. *You should start, by caring for another person.* If you like someone and want to see them succeed, boost them up. Help their life. Give them encouragement. Be a ray of positivity in their life. They will care for you back. That's what love and relationships are. You don't *find* a relationship. You *build* one. That's where all the good men are. They aren't a pot of gold under the rainbow to be found. They are part of a relationship to be built. You help bring this man forth through your love and care. Behind every good man is a great woman. There's a lot of truth to that. You help to build this great man. It isn't a static discovery, it's a evolutionary process. Where are all the good men? It's potentially all of us. All of us have a good man inside of us, it's just hidden, sometimes even from ourselves. It isn't that you find a "good man" through searching. It's that you help to build a *strong relationship* through your genuine love and care. It may counter intuitive but maybe the answer to "where are all the good men" lies somewhere within yourself.
The gym. Iāll most likely never approach a girl at the gym, but not opposed to them coming up to men
All it takes is one woman to complain about "harassment" and you can kiss your gym membership goodbye
See someone you like? Broadly approach and offer to buy them coffee. Make the first move. Watch the man melt.
I think most decent men are just chilling at home doing their own things So just go around breaking into homes until you find one you like
We were all digging a big hole on the beach, but too many people joined in and we dug too greedily and too deep so now we're all down somewhere around the Earth's mantle, giving each other compliments.
Might as well ask other women. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have a type, and that is what you're going to notice before anything else, and guys here are going to judge you for it. Ask a married GenX woman where these guys are instead. She'll either give you an honest answer or set you up on a date.
Post high quality un-edited photos of self with friend. See if who likes it on your friendās page. Snoop their profile. DM them about what you have in common. See response. If itās overwhelmingly positive. Ask for a date and offer your number. If they text you, you got it. Donāt get mad about how they react or lack of time frame or poor planning. Instead focus on being glad you reached out. Takes a lot of guts even over social media to do that.