I work out regularly, I'm in the military, I have shelves and shelves of books at home but I still have feelings and insecurities that I like to reach out about from time to time.
Well, then, it’s time to start learning new math, Sir.
Rewire those neural networks. Ask yourself why you feel the way you feel until you stop feeling this way.
It might also be a good idea to speak to somebody about how you feel. You might have a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can’t push through.
That’s OK. It’s normal and it happens to a lot of people.
You won’t feel this way forever.
You can do this.
I'm waiting for therapy where I'm going to start really digging into all this stuff but there's a long wait for it where I live. Sometimes I just like to throw it out there to other people basically to see where others think I'm at. Basically valedation I suppose but it helps me get it out of my mind even if just for a little while because it feels like I'm at least doing something about it
I am being medicated for ADHD and depression which has helped but my issues with insecurity and self image are... Very long running ill say. It's a journey I know but thank you for your input it really helps.
I'm a woman and a wife. I have met people who check all my boxes. One of them used to be my bestfriend, two of them a very close friends until now.
We have great chemistry but I didnt fall for any of them. My husband didnt tick all my "boxes" but he is my better half and I love him. I wouldnt trade him for any of these other people.
You have to believe that your wife loves you for who you are.
Thank you, your opinion is very important to me. I think in my head I know it's true but I have so much trouble and trust issues with people that I can't actually convince myself emotionally that I deserve to be with her. I lack self worth basically.
The earth is huge, there are SO many people. The reality is there are people who are better than you, people who are better than your wife.
It's called trust. Your wife chose you, and it can be for reasons you might not know. Reasons that make you better in her eyes than this other guy.
I have to assume she lives with the reality that there are women who you would consider to be "perfect" but she knows you chose her.
That's true and I know it and we've even talked about it and I know you're right. It just sucks knowing it's a fact VS actually seeing it and being present around it.
If your wife wanted to be with anybody else, she wouldn’t have married you. Very few of us end up with our “type” anyway. You guys are compatible for whatever reasons you’re compatible for and nobody can take that from you. Assuming you have a healthy marriage. It’s healthy to be inspired by other people, but comparison is the thief of joy.
If this guy for example is really good at something you wish you were & always had an interest in, give it a shot. Hell, even strike up a convo with him and ask him how he got into it. He isn’t the enemy and life is all about learning from others. At the end of the day this guy will be out of the picture tomorrow and your wife doesn’t even know he exists.
Also have some confidence in yourself, man. It sounds like you’re very much into your wife and afraid of losing her. Take pride in the fact she is your wife and chose you over any other man. It’s normal to be insecure at times, but you’re quite literally her husband.
Yeah I have has insecurity issues for a long time. I'm starting therapy soon to start working through my issues and I'm medicated now to help with some of my mental health concerns but insecurity and jealousy are things I've struggled with for a long time.
I've always been very hard on myself and very self hating. I'm getting better but it's a struggle.
All good, man. We’ve all been insecure before. I know I get that way sometimes too. You’ve got me beat tho, you’re married! It’ll be fine. Unless she’s given you a reason to believe otherwise, she isn’t going anywhere. Proud of you for taking the necessary steps to working on yourself. If you have the time, try taking up a new hobby or trying out something you’ve always wanted to. At first our confidence will take a dive but the more you keep up with it, it’ll skyrocket. We’re all beginners at something. In my experience, learning something new works wonders with my confidence. Also small things help to keep me in check too. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Holding yourself accountable and following through will make you feel good about yourself. Hope this helps and goodluck.
Flip the script.
You’re at work and you meet a woman who is exactly like your wife except slightly more attractive and slightly more interested in your favorite hobby.
What do you do?
The answer (hopefully) is nothing - you have already committed to a great woman and aren’t interested in shopping around for a possible incremental upgrade.
If you’re that worried you’re not up to the task of being a good husband, identify what you think the deficiencies are and start working on them. Obviously you can’t easily get taller or less bald, but you can certainly get in better shape or finally fix that sump pump you’ve been ignoring all winter.
That thing has happened and yes I was not tempted to leave my wife. My feelings for her supercede everything else and i know she feels the same but I have issues (there's another comment where I lay them out better) that make it hard for me to trust people when they say positive things about me
I do have issues with self confidence and self image. I'm working on them but it's hard. I also didn't grow up with good male role models which didn't help.
I don't want to just hand her off and stand on the corner waving good bye. But the way my mind works tells me "you know he would make her happy so if you really care for her happiness you shouldn't hide them from each other"
I never actually planned to do anything like introduce them but that's just the kind of fucked up self harming mind I've been dealing with for many years.
Well a major trick to life is that while people will tell you how bad it is to be jealous all day long, you can’t *not* be jealous, trying often fucks you over, and if you succeed, your wife won’t feel attractive to you anymore.
So a moderate amount of jealousy is actually quite important. Like you don’t want to chug iodine, but you’ll die if you don’t have any.
I have noticed that, that fighting against emotions just makes them more powerful to me. It's something I'm working on, just allowing myself to feel things and then monitoring it without minimizing or trying to influence it.
I'm trying to accept that I'm a human with emotions and that's ok but it's something I've been struggling with for a long time
Personally my life became better when I started having the idea that I just am who I am. Wish I could say it in a less corny way, but I don’t exert myself to avoid being jealous, I have a wife with good values, and I don’t blame her when I feel that way, so she understands what it is when it comes up.
I see what you're saying, I think you said it well and yes that's something I've been working on for the last few months. For a long time I realize I felt like I just wasn't good enough in a lot of ways because I have some learning disabilities that made my school days much more troublesome than they needed to be. Also some early relationship scars that I didn't understand well enough to really address but I'm getting better.
Sometimes I just need to reach out to people to get it out of my head so thanks for talking to me. It does help
No problem. And I couldn’t tell about any learning disabilities. You write clearly with good articulation and I didn’t get lost by any leaps of thought or anything.
It's not that I'm trying to give her away but I know her well enough to know that she would be into him. I don't WANT to just hand her over but I can't help but learn her likes and dislikes when we've been together for 20 years.
You can’t change HIM or what SHE likes.
What you can change is yourself. Insecurity implies that you feel inferior, develop on yourself until you are superior.
Best way to fix mentality is to fix you surroundings(speaking from experience of insecurities)
Get up and put the internet away. Go work out and read books for about three months.
I work out regularly, I'm in the military, I have shelves and shelves of books at home but I still have feelings and insecurities that I like to reach out about from time to time.
Well, then, it’s time to start learning new math, Sir. Rewire those neural networks. Ask yourself why you feel the way you feel until you stop feeling this way. It might also be a good idea to speak to somebody about how you feel. You might have a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can’t push through. That’s OK. It’s normal and it happens to a lot of people. You won’t feel this way forever. You can do this.
I'm waiting for therapy where I'm going to start really digging into all this stuff but there's a long wait for it where I live. Sometimes I just like to throw it out there to other people basically to see where others think I'm at. Basically valedation I suppose but it helps me get it out of my mind even if just for a little while because it feels like I'm at least doing something about it I am being medicated for ADHD and depression which has helped but my issues with insecurity and self image are... Very long running ill say. It's a journey I know but thank you for your input it really helps.
I'm a woman and a wife. I have met people who check all my boxes. One of them used to be my bestfriend, two of them a very close friends until now. We have great chemistry but I didnt fall for any of them. My husband didnt tick all my "boxes" but he is my better half and I love him. I wouldnt trade him for any of these other people. You have to believe that your wife loves you for who you are.
Thank you, your opinion is very important to me. I think in my head I know it's true but I have so much trouble and trust issues with people that I can't actually convince myself emotionally that I deserve to be with her. I lack self worth basically.
The earth is huge, there are SO many people. The reality is there are people who are better than you, people who are better than your wife. It's called trust. Your wife chose you, and it can be for reasons you might not know. Reasons that make you better in her eyes than this other guy. I have to assume she lives with the reality that there are women who you would consider to be "perfect" but she knows you chose her.
That's true and I know it and we've even talked about it and I know you're right. It just sucks knowing it's a fact VS actually seeing it and being present around it.
If your wife wanted to be with anybody else, she wouldn’t have married you. Very few of us end up with our “type” anyway. You guys are compatible for whatever reasons you’re compatible for and nobody can take that from you. Assuming you have a healthy marriage. It’s healthy to be inspired by other people, but comparison is the thief of joy. If this guy for example is really good at something you wish you were & always had an interest in, give it a shot. Hell, even strike up a convo with him and ask him how he got into it. He isn’t the enemy and life is all about learning from others. At the end of the day this guy will be out of the picture tomorrow and your wife doesn’t even know he exists. Also have some confidence in yourself, man. It sounds like you’re very much into your wife and afraid of losing her. Take pride in the fact she is your wife and chose you over any other man. It’s normal to be insecure at times, but you’re quite literally her husband.
Yeah I have has insecurity issues for a long time. I'm starting therapy soon to start working through my issues and I'm medicated now to help with some of my mental health concerns but insecurity and jealousy are things I've struggled with for a long time. I've always been very hard on myself and very self hating. I'm getting better but it's a struggle.
All good, man. We’ve all been insecure before. I know I get that way sometimes too. You’ve got me beat tho, you’re married! It’ll be fine. Unless she’s given you a reason to believe otherwise, she isn’t going anywhere. Proud of you for taking the necessary steps to working on yourself. If you have the time, try taking up a new hobby or trying out something you’ve always wanted to. At first our confidence will take a dive but the more you keep up with it, it’ll skyrocket. We’re all beginners at something. In my experience, learning something new works wonders with my confidence. Also small things help to keep me in check too. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Holding yourself accountable and following through will make you feel good about yourself. Hope this helps and goodluck.
Flip the script. You’re at work and you meet a woman who is exactly like your wife except slightly more attractive and slightly more interested in your favorite hobby. What do you do? The answer (hopefully) is nothing - you have already committed to a great woman and aren’t interested in shopping around for a possible incremental upgrade. If you’re that worried you’re not up to the task of being a good husband, identify what you think the deficiencies are and start working on them. Obviously you can’t easily get taller or less bald, but you can certainly get in better shape or finally fix that sump pump you’ve been ignoring all winter.
That thing has happened and yes I was not tempted to leave my wife. My feelings for her supercede everything else and i know she feels the same but I have issues (there's another comment where I lay them out better) that make it hard for me to trust people when they say positive things about me
This is probably the intrusive thought that kicks off a career of cuckoldry
Ugh no thanks that whole idea makes me sick.
Then what do you mean by saying you feel like you should introduce this guy to your wife? Have some pride
I do have issues with self confidence and self image. I'm working on them but it's hard. I also didn't grow up with good male role models which didn't help. I don't want to just hand her off and stand on the corner waving good bye. But the way my mind works tells me "you know he would make her happy so if you really care for her happiness you shouldn't hide them from each other" I never actually planned to do anything like introduce them but that's just the kind of fucked up self harming mind I've been dealing with for many years.
Well a major trick to life is that while people will tell you how bad it is to be jealous all day long, you can’t *not* be jealous, trying often fucks you over, and if you succeed, your wife won’t feel attractive to you anymore. So a moderate amount of jealousy is actually quite important. Like you don’t want to chug iodine, but you’ll die if you don’t have any.
I have noticed that, that fighting against emotions just makes them more powerful to me. It's something I'm working on, just allowing myself to feel things and then monitoring it without minimizing or trying to influence it. I'm trying to accept that I'm a human with emotions and that's ok but it's something I've been struggling with for a long time
Personally my life became better when I started having the idea that I just am who I am. Wish I could say it in a less corny way, but I don’t exert myself to avoid being jealous, I have a wife with good values, and I don’t blame her when I feel that way, so she understands what it is when it comes up.
I see what you're saying, I think you said it well and yes that's something I've been working on for the last few months. For a long time I realize I felt like I just wasn't good enough in a lot of ways because I have some learning disabilities that made my school days much more troublesome than they needed to be. Also some early relationship scars that I didn't understand well enough to really address but I'm getting better. Sometimes I just need to reach out to people to get it out of my head so thanks for talking to me. It does help
No problem. And I couldn’t tell about any learning disabilities. You write clearly with good articulation and I didn’t get lost by any leaps of thought or anything.
Man up hommie.. WTF... you are trying to give your wife away?
It's not that I'm trying to give her away but I know her well enough to know that she would be into him. I don't WANT to just hand her over but I can't help but learn her likes and dislikes when we've been together for 20 years.
Learn to fight.
>There's a guy at work and he's just... Perfect.... For my wife. Let her decide if he's perfect, you focus on being a perfect husband
You can’t change HIM or what SHE likes. What you can change is yourself. Insecurity implies that you feel inferior, develop on yourself until you are superior. Best way to fix mentality is to fix you surroundings(speaking from experience of insecurities)
You're nearly 40 years old, dude.
And?