Why would anyone prefer a woman who just secretly grinds the axe all day until she finally blows up on you?
Now don’t confuse “express their concerns” with “bitches constantly” though. Those are two different things.
Share stuff. After my last relationship I added a thing I wanna do that I read about.
One day a week every week until the day the relationship is over either due to breaking up or old age. We both get 30 min to talk without being interrupted to fully listen. During that time you talk about all the negative that happened no matter how small. And if there is nothing negative to say you can say some positive things.
That why I think we can prevent small little annoyances becoming huge relationship ending fights.
This isn’t an actual representation of reality.
Like, no, I don’t want you to feel completely unrestrained about complaining. I myself think things over before I decide to make an issue of it, I think that’s a thing adults should do if they don’t enjoy heated arguments.
Does that mean pretending you’re ok until you’re not? No. It means picking your battles, which is not represented in this hypothetical
It's more concerning to me that you seem to discount any sense of nuance and are presenting a fully black and white copy of the world.
As for my response, I'm choosing the open lady 100% of the time even if I sometimes struggle with her emotional experiences. I know I am going to do the same to her and I can only hope we both recognize that we're turning to one another for a shared life experience. I want that.
That said there is plenty of room for nuance where "okay maybe I don't have to talk about every position and place I've been fucked by every other guy I gave myself to" and "maybe I don't need to involve him in my conflict with the lady down the street because she likes to have a messy lawn." Some level of discernment is appreciated.
It is fortunate that women are not defined solely by these (terrible) choices you have provided.
Because in truth, both of these hypothetical ladies sound insufferable.
You can be communicative without being overbearing. You can be pensive without being resentful. There are vast differences between these archetypes, and I think in general people prefer their mates to find that happy medium between drama and silence.
Neither, they're both bad. The first ends up dumping her traumas and other issues constantly on you and the latter essentially creates traps for you to step in.
Of everyone who has answered, I'd like to hear more from you. Can you expound by giving an example of the 1st and 2nd, as well as what the alternative would look like?
You're not supposed to share all your feelings about everything. As an adult you need to solve things yourself including handling your feelings. You neet to get yourself together, not outsource all responsibility for your feelings. You're not a child anymore.
The latter should be even more obvious. It's a setup to make the partner fail constantly and blame him for not being able to read minds. Such a woman is not an ally but an enemy who will sabotage you and the relationship on a daily basis to produce the desired outcome - you being the bad one and her being the good martyr ("I sacrificed myself for you").
There is a time and place for sharing feelings. You need tact to find it. This is one of those things that make a good partner. Not over- or undersharing, instead being patient until the time and place is there to talk about something. This applies to men as well, it's a general rule.
You know how chicas say "it's not what he said, it's *how* he said it"? It's the same here.
I don't know the exact emotional background of the conversation, but whenever women in *my* social circle voice the reasons for why they are upset, it's always accompanied with yelling, anger, swearing and so on... aimed at me, even if I am just a receiver of information, not the cause of the negative feelings.
Ladies should try filtering *how* they say things too. I am not saying that you should be an emotionless robot when you are venting, but there is a difference between, for example, just being angry and yelling *at me* for something that I didn't even do at such volume that dogs start barking.
Very helpful brother! I'll explain the difference to them. These women aren't even ever accused of being screamers. They're classified as drama for simply sharing their feelings, fears, concerns. Or I guess being anything more than a rubber doll. 🤷 Until these guys get ahold of an emotionless ice queen. They complain about her not sharing her feelings, opinions, concerns. I'm sick of it.
So it’s obviously the 2nd option, with a caveat: There is a time, place, and way to bring up one’s negative feelings/fears when it comes to their partner. Often when men complain about “over dramatic” and “emotional” women, they’re not complaining that she has feelings and communicates them. They’re complaining about one (or both) of the following:
1. The feelings/fear are not reasonable, yet we are expected to treat them as if they are, often expected to take responsibility or apologize for what we would consider unreasonable
2. The feelings/fears are being brought up at a time that isn’t suitable (like during a social event, while we’re working, etc)
Guys expect women to be emotional, but we also want some level of emotional maturity that is often lacking (in both sexes).
We want someone who doesnt feel entitled. You only need to choose between the two if you can't disagree in a way that doesn't demand satisfaction.
When men disagree, they fully expect nobody to care. I'm never going to come back and cry because nobody supported me. People would laugh in my face.
Return that level of consideration and you can express yourself all you want.
Sharing one's feelings and emotions is an inherently healthy thing to do, but there are unhealthy ways to do it. These unhealthy ways can often be the result- or more likely the cause- of drama, which we generally try to avoid.
Regardless, that's the one that's preferable. If they generally share how they feel in a healthy way, that's just generally a good thing. If they generally share how they feel in an unhealthy way, that's a bad thing, but at least it'll be something I notice early and can get out quick. Both of these are preferable to them keeping things bottled up and growing resentful until they explode on us out of nowhere.
Anyway, it's entirely fair to them to classify their sharing of their feelings and emotions as drama, if drama is what it is. Nothing unfair about honesty. Doesn't mean what they share inherently is drama, just that it's fair to call it that when it's accurate.
It's hard to say when my only knowledge of circumstances has multiple degrees of separation from what actually happened. There might be things I don't know- such as what "X" is- that might change how I see things.
But from just what's been said here, without additional context, I agree with your assessment. Regardless of whether X fear is reasonable or not, it sounds like it was brought up in an honest, mature, non-confrontational manner.
You are a woman. Wanted to clear up first that I know that.
>Same buddies with an openly communicative woman: "She opened up to me about her feelings. She showed emotion and shared her fears about the future with me...hard pass on the 'drama' dude!"
There's a difference between "communication" and "drama". The problem is with making mountains out of mole hills or engaging in naked manipulation during "communication".
Actually, I identify as a (who cares, because it's not relevant).🤷
My point is that my buddies, in their emotional immaturity mistake open communication for drama. The question was, what do the men in this forum, regardless of my gender, prefer in a woman.
>Actually, I identify as a (who cares, because it's not relevant).🤷
It *absolutely is* relevant. How you were socialized and how you handled thar as a child, when combined with your incentives in your current state, impacts your ability to understand.
>My point is that my buddies, in their emotional immaturity mistake open communication for drama.
I am suggesting that your premise is false. What you've described is a common response to manipulative behavior, not constructive dialogue. If *every guy* does the same bad thing, it's far more likely that the issue is elsewhere than that every guy is defective.
>The question was, what do the men in this forum, regardless of my gender, prefer in a woman.
Absolutely not. Especially joy in a case like this. The female MO in conversation is entirely different as a result of socialization and incentive structures, biological and otherwise.
Why would *anyone* want the latter?
Kind of a loaded question. Seems like you've phrased the question to skew answers to what you want.
Why would anyone prefer a woman who just secretly grinds the axe all day until she finally blows up on you? Now don’t confuse “express their concerns” with “bitches constantly” though. Those are two different things.
Share stuff. After my last relationship I added a thing I wanna do that I read about. One day a week every week until the day the relationship is over either due to breaking up or old age. We both get 30 min to talk without being interrupted to fully listen. During that time you talk about all the negative that happened no matter how small. And if there is nothing negative to say you can say some positive things. That why I think we can prevent small little annoyances becoming huge relationship ending fights.
This isn’t an actual representation of reality. Like, no, I don’t want you to feel completely unrestrained about complaining. I myself think things over before I decide to make an issue of it, I think that’s a thing adults should do if they don’t enjoy heated arguments. Does that mean pretending you’re ok until you’re not? No. It means picking your battles, which is not represented in this hypothetical
Lol because your buddies speak for all of men right? I like when my women are communicative and open. I only speak for myself. 🤷♂️
It's more concerning to me that you seem to discount any sense of nuance and are presenting a fully black and white copy of the world. As for my response, I'm choosing the open lady 100% of the time even if I sometimes struggle with her emotional experiences. I know I am going to do the same to her and I can only hope we both recognize that we're turning to one another for a shared life experience. I want that. That said there is plenty of room for nuance where "okay maybe I don't have to talk about every position and place I've been fucked by every other guy I gave myself to" and "maybe I don't need to involve him in my conflict with the lady down the street because she likes to have a messy lawn." Some level of discernment is appreciated.
The non toxic af one
It is fortunate that women are not defined solely by these (terrible) choices you have provided. Because in truth, both of these hypothetical ladies sound insufferable. You can be communicative without being overbearing. You can be pensive without being resentful. There are vast differences between these archetypes, and I think in general people prefer their mates to find that happy medium between drama and silence.
Neither, they're both bad. The first ends up dumping her traumas and other issues constantly on you and the latter essentially creates traps for you to step in.
Of everyone who has answered, I'd like to hear more from you. Can you expound by giving an example of the 1st and 2nd, as well as what the alternative would look like?
You're not supposed to share all your feelings about everything. As an adult you need to solve things yourself including handling your feelings. You neet to get yourself together, not outsource all responsibility for your feelings. You're not a child anymore. The latter should be even more obvious. It's a setup to make the partner fail constantly and blame him for not being able to read minds. Such a woman is not an ally but an enemy who will sabotage you and the relationship on a daily basis to produce the desired outcome - you being the bad one and her being the good martyr ("I sacrificed myself for you").
Good.
There is a time and place for sharing feelings. You need tact to find it. This is one of those things that make a good partner. Not over- or undersharing, instead being patient until the time and place is there to talk about something. This applies to men as well, it's a general rule.
Actually, damn good explanation bro!
Thanks!
You know how chicas say "it's not what he said, it's *how* he said it"? It's the same here. I don't know the exact emotional background of the conversation, but whenever women in *my* social circle voice the reasons for why they are upset, it's always accompanied with yelling, anger, swearing and so on... aimed at me, even if I am just a receiver of information, not the cause of the negative feelings. Ladies should try filtering *how* they say things too. I am not saying that you should be an emotionless robot when you are venting, but there is a difference between, for example, just being angry and yelling *at me* for something that I didn't even do at such volume that dogs start barking.
Very helpful brother! I'll explain the difference to them. These women aren't even ever accused of being screamers. They're classified as drama for simply sharing their feelings, fears, concerns. Or I guess being anything more than a rubber doll. 🤷 Until these guys get ahold of an emotionless ice queen. They complain about her not sharing her feelings, opinions, concerns. I'm sick of it.
So it’s obviously the 2nd option, with a caveat: There is a time, place, and way to bring up one’s negative feelings/fears when it comes to their partner. Often when men complain about “over dramatic” and “emotional” women, they’re not complaining that she has feelings and communicates them. They’re complaining about one (or both) of the following: 1. The feelings/fear are not reasonable, yet we are expected to treat them as if they are, often expected to take responsibility or apologize for what we would consider unreasonable 2. The feelings/fears are being brought up at a time that isn’t suitable (like during a social event, while we’re working, etc) Guys expect women to be emotional, but we also want some level of emotional maturity that is often lacking (in both sexes).
Helps. Informative. Thanks.
We want someone who doesnt feel entitled. You only need to choose between the two if you can't disagree in a way that doesn't demand satisfaction. When men disagree, they fully expect nobody to care. I'm never going to come back and cry because nobody supported me. People would laugh in my face. Return that level of consideration and you can express yourself all you want.
Neither, I guess. Was always taught to repress mine no matter what. Save the emotions for someone else.
I know that I speak for all males when I say that we love resentful women!
Sharing one's feelings and emotions is an inherently healthy thing to do, but there are unhealthy ways to do it. These unhealthy ways can often be the result- or more likely the cause- of drama, which we generally try to avoid. Regardless, that's the one that's preferable. If they generally share how they feel in a healthy way, that's just generally a good thing. If they generally share how they feel in an unhealthy way, that's a bad thing, but at least it'll be something I notice early and can get out quick. Both of these are preferable to them keeping things bottled up and growing resentful until they explode on us out of nowhere. Anyway, it's entirely fair to them to classify their sharing of their feelings and emotions as drama, if drama is what it is. Nothing unfair about honesty. Doesn't mean what they share inherently is drama, just that it's fair to call it that when it's accurate.
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It's hard to say when my only knowledge of circumstances has multiple degrees of separation from what actually happened. There might be things I don't know- such as what "X" is- that might change how I see things. But from just what's been said here, without additional context, I agree with your assessment. Regardless of whether X fear is reasonable or not, it sounds like it was brought up in an honest, mature, non-confrontational manner.
You are a woman. Wanted to clear up first that I know that. >Same buddies with an openly communicative woman: "She opened up to me about her feelings. She showed emotion and shared her fears about the future with me...hard pass on the 'drama' dude!" There's a difference between "communication" and "drama". The problem is with making mountains out of mole hills or engaging in naked manipulation during "communication".
Actually, I identify as a (who cares, because it's not relevant).🤷 My point is that my buddies, in their emotional immaturity mistake open communication for drama. The question was, what do the men in this forum, regardless of my gender, prefer in a woman.
>Actually, I identify as a (who cares, because it's not relevant).🤷 It *absolutely is* relevant. How you were socialized and how you handled thar as a child, when combined with your incentives in your current state, impacts your ability to understand. >My point is that my buddies, in their emotional immaturity mistake open communication for drama. I am suggesting that your premise is false. What you've described is a common response to manipulative behavior, not constructive dialogue. If *every guy* does the same bad thing, it's far more likely that the issue is elsewhere than that every guy is defective. >The question was, what do the men in this forum, regardless of my gender, prefer in a woman. Absolutely not. Especially joy in a case like this. The female MO in conversation is entirely different as a result of socialization and incentive structures, biological and otherwise.