Personally, I don't want a pen pal. I want to meet someone and start dating if there's compatability. There's only so many times I can answer "how was your day".
Neither do I! I am just following their lead with how much they initially want to chat. I'm often the one that's asking to meet up. It's as if these guys want to be chatty in those first days and then never make plans. Sometimes they even dip after asking to make plans. I don't get it.
Consistency takes effort; those who dish out more effort than they can handle maintaining over time end up dying out somewhere down the line. Relationships are marathons, not sprints.
To extend the analogy, you want a relationship that is going to go somewhere and not just start and stop. You want to run down the track instead of getting caught up in the registration paperwork at the start of every race.
Oooh this is really interesting. Truly I'd prefer some text exchange to gauge we're a potential match. Like the serious stuff, for example, I do not want kids and don't want to waste anyone's time. And then make plans to meet up.
Resume reading is less organic and takes more effort than meeting up for 5-15 minutes to discuss things. At least, that's how I see it - and I'm an introvert. If you communicate that you have a couple dealbreakers you'd like to share before trying to meet up, that's a better strategy than just texting and expecting the conversation to flow in that direction. We like straightforward communication.
Either A) You're choosing men who already have too many options, or B) We learned from women that if we're overeager women disappear. Probably both. Really probably more of A, because if that wasn't true B wouldn't matter.
Maybe yes to A. I tend to match with men who I have at least a few things in common and am mildly attracted to. Definitely not Henry Cavill caliber men (I wish). I quite like going on dates and meeting people so I'm happy to see if there's a vibe where other people would swipe left.
I'd love an eager guy, but that's kind of the problem. They're eager right off the hop, I follow the same vibe and then POOF gone.
Glad to see the self awareness. Yeah, most women have an attraction to A. That's why they're A. The only other potential for B is confirmation bias: "Why does \_\_\_\_ always happen to me \[while I'm paying heightened attention to noticing when \_\_\_\_ happens\]?"
Maybe some dudes who get lots of high interest get overwhelmed by it, but they're the minority (and more likely to leave with or without high interest). If they're not A, they'll keep talking until the date. But they'd still like a low chat to date ratio, A or B. Keep doing what works, or try something different, like moving to schedule a date ASAP while they're interested.
I'll tell you what I tell all the women on dating apps, I'm not here to be your friend and I don't want to chit chat. I like to set up a date ASAP and see if there's any connection. A lot of women are flaky so I invest very little into texting before a date unless the woman shows me she has a personality. These flaky women ALL liked me or messaged me first mind you.
My recommendation - set a date to meet ASAP and if he doesn't meet up, move on.
I'm trying! Sometimes they flake too, seems like a decent number of guys don't like being asked. I usually say something like "I'm happy to meet up at the board game cafe, on Saturday if you'd like?" And then just a flat stupid non committal response from them. I can't figure out the exact right thing.
That's just the zeitgeist. There are workarounds for it though by avoiding dating platforms and social media - going to third places frequently to meet individuals who also had enough.
Welcome to dating in the TikTok generation. If the conversation lasts longer than 10 seconds then it won't hold peoples' attention and they'll just swipe on to the next thing that does.
Its not you, its them. Dont take it personally. I see this happening when I talk to women as well. No one is using dating apps correctly. People are getting choice paralysis. The environment would be better if there was an app out there that forced you to talk to maybe max 3 people at a time. But then they wouldnt make money because these apps are built on you essentially spending all your time day dreaming about the big catch right around the corner and not what's in front of you. It does not encoruage consistency at all, only instant gratification. Im not going to tell you to get off of dating apps because thats usually not productive. But i would say spend 70% of your time trying to meet people IRL and 30% online. If youre already doing that, then keep at it. I have to deatch myself from so many expectations online because its not build to lead to relationships, only dates.
I usually don't talk to more than one person at a time, feels like too much to handle for me. I'd love to meet people in person but everyone is so standoff-ish. I wonder if maybe they're just nervous about potentially approaching someone?
My mindset is that there are lots of matches out there for me and whichever one I come across first will be the one that sticks. Definitely no choice paralysis on my side. But maybe that's what the guys are experiencing.
Personally, I don't want a pen pal. I want to meet someone and start dating if there's compatability. There's only so many times I can answer "how was your day".
Neither do I! I am just following their lead with how much they initially want to chat. I'm often the one that's asking to meet up. It's as if these guys want to be chatty in those first days and then never make plans. Sometimes they even dip after asking to make plans. I don't get it.
Consistency takes effort; those who dish out more effort than they can handle maintaining over time end up dying out somewhere down the line. Relationships are marathons, not sprints.
Uhhh ok
To extend the analogy, you want a relationship that is going to go somewhere and not just start and stop. You want to run down the track instead of getting caught up in the registration paperwork at the start of every race.
Oooh this is really interesting. Truly I'd prefer some text exchange to gauge we're a potential match. Like the serious stuff, for example, I do not want kids and don't want to waste anyone's time. And then make plans to meet up.
Resume reading is less organic and takes more effort than meeting up for 5-15 minutes to discuss things. At least, that's how I see it - and I'm an introvert. If you communicate that you have a couple dealbreakers you'd like to share before trying to meet up, that's a better strategy than just texting and expecting the conversation to flow in that direction. We like straightforward communication.
I think this is how I'll continue. No date, no chit chat. Other than important stuff.
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I don't think I've ever declined a date actually. In fact, I'm usually the first person to ask that we organize something.
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For other people I suppose.
+1 for don't want a pen pal. I want to meet up ASAP after there's some connection.
Exactly this
Either A) You're choosing men who already have too many options, or B) We learned from women that if we're overeager women disappear. Probably both. Really probably more of A, because if that wasn't true B wouldn't matter.
Maybe yes to A. I tend to match with men who I have at least a few things in common and am mildly attracted to. Definitely not Henry Cavill caliber men (I wish). I quite like going on dates and meeting people so I'm happy to see if there's a vibe where other people would swipe left. I'd love an eager guy, but that's kind of the problem. They're eager right off the hop, I follow the same vibe and then POOF gone.
Glad to see the self awareness. Yeah, most women have an attraction to A. That's why they're A. The only other potential for B is confirmation bias: "Why does \_\_\_\_ always happen to me \[while I'm paying heightened attention to noticing when \_\_\_\_ happens\]?" Maybe some dudes who get lots of high interest get overwhelmed by it, but they're the minority (and more likely to leave with or without high interest). If they're not A, they'll keep talking until the date. But they'd still like a low chat to date ratio, A or B. Keep doing what works, or try something different, like moving to schedule a date ASAP while they're interested.
Yeah I'm going to be even more forward starting right now. Thanks for mentioning confirmation bias, could be part of it as well. The search continues!
I highly doubt this consistent ghosting is because all of these guys have too many options. Not common for most men
Correct. But common for women to chose the men who do.
I'll tell you what I tell all the women on dating apps, I'm not here to be your friend and I don't want to chit chat. I like to set up a date ASAP and see if there's any connection. A lot of women are flaky so I invest very little into texting before a date unless the woman shows me she has a personality. These flaky women ALL liked me or messaged me first mind you. My recommendation - set a date to meet ASAP and if he doesn't meet up, move on.
I'm trying! Sometimes they flake too, seems like a decent number of guys don't like being asked. I usually say something like "I'm happy to meet up at the board game cafe, on Saturday if you'd like?" And then just a flat stupid non committal response from them. I can't figure out the exact right thing.
Reduced attention spans, the illusion of thousand better alternatives just one click/swipe away, exhaustion, dopamine resistence...
What a mess honestly...
That's just the zeitgeist. There are workarounds for it though by avoiding dating platforms and social media - going to third places frequently to meet individuals who also had enough.
In order to maintain engagement and authenticity, its important to keep things intriguing.
I do! I'm happy to and know how to.
Things didn’t move fast enough and he found someone more willing to take the next step
You’re missing my point. I’m always clear early on that I want to go on a date.
Welcome to dating in the TikTok generation. If the conversation lasts longer than 10 seconds then it won't hold peoples' attention and they'll just swipe on to the next thing that does.
The problem is the attention IS held for a few days and then goes because they don't want to go any further!
Its not you, its them. Dont take it personally. I see this happening when I talk to women as well. No one is using dating apps correctly. People are getting choice paralysis. The environment would be better if there was an app out there that forced you to talk to maybe max 3 people at a time. But then they wouldnt make money because these apps are built on you essentially spending all your time day dreaming about the big catch right around the corner and not what's in front of you. It does not encoruage consistency at all, only instant gratification. Im not going to tell you to get off of dating apps because thats usually not productive. But i would say spend 70% of your time trying to meet people IRL and 30% online. If youre already doing that, then keep at it. I have to deatch myself from so many expectations online because its not build to lead to relationships, only dates.
I usually don't talk to more than one person at a time, feels like too much to handle for me. I'd love to meet people in person but everyone is so standoff-ish. I wonder if maybe they're just nervous about potentially approaching someone? My mindset is that there are lots of matches out there for me and whichever one I come across first will be the one that sticks. Definitely no choice paralysis on my side. But maybe that's what the guys are experiencing.
Because you aren’t making actual plans to see each other. I’m not gonna wait 3 days to get my dick wet when I can have another chick over tonight.
I’m not dating for hookups. Too many men are shit in bed so I don’t hookup anymore. Dating intentionally and I’m very clear about that off the hop.