I have a friend doing this. It's her or his best friend, me. He chose her. Now he's broke because of her, miserable, does all the cooking and cleaning, pays for her dogs vet bills and care, all the rent etc. She demands two weekly date nights at fancy places. Sucks to suck man. I warned him.
Absolutely. He left his wife for her. Cut off anyone who pointed out the red flags except me. Now she's demanding that too and so he's decided to cut me off. Can't help if he refuses to be helped.
Yup. It's not been fun watching my friend since 4th grade absolutely wreck his life. But I can't make him see reason. I'll be here when there's nothing left if he wants reconciliation.
Absolutely. Hard to watch and hard to be cut off, but I'm making my peace with it. I let him know that if he ever needs me to reach out. He "has new friends now". New friends that came from her and are just like her so have at that dude. I'll be here if you ever wake up.
Take him back with open arms. Once rock bottom hits and she's done with him he'll have no one. My door is always open if he truly wants reconciliation.
Thanks. I appreciate that. I often feel guilty because maybe I could've done more. He's had a rough life since childhood. Now it's all his own choices though.
Even if you “could have” done more, and may have wished to, it is not your job and was likely not your place. Though I understand the entirely human response to curate some guilt by that, I strongly encourage you to find the type of respectful peace with it where you can acknowledge it and separate it from yourself.
Late to the party but I got the “it’s either give me access to all your social media accounts and your iCloud or we break up” being young and naive I let her. I had no peace of mind after that, relationship didn’t last much longer after as I broke up with her. She couldn’t stand that she didn’t have control of the relationship anymore and made all sorts of accusations months after
I had an ex that used to try to go thru my computer since she was convinced that I was cheating on her (spoiler: I wasn't).
Meanwhile... if I was going to hide something, I wouldn't put it in an obvious place...especially not a computer folder.
She never said it to me, but after getting married she started verbally and physically abusing my daughter telling her we'd be better off without her and told her she should go live with her grandparents.
It was as good as saying, it's your daughter or me.
My ex-wife was gone in an hour. Served with divorce papers within 48 hours. If she just left we wouldn't press charges.
Wow this brought up some tough memories for me as the daughter of a dad who chose his abusive wife over me when I was much younger (6). It warms my heart that you chose your daughter. Idk how your family feels about therapy, but I’d highly recommend it and the sooner the better. Scars like that can follow her for a lifetime. I wish much better experiences for you both. (Sorry if this is off topic/not allowed. Also I’m not a man.)
I can understand when it's something that we all know is harmful to themselves even if it's socially acceptable; I don't smoke but I could be on board with an ultimatum of "it's me or the cigarettes."
But that's why it's 99%, the vast remainder is going to be something or someone we enjoyed and cared about before they came along. They're invading our lives, and now they're just trying to change it to their lives.
That’s always been my thought. You’re kinda allowed to complain about stuff that changes after you got together. But if you wanna make a “change X or I’m out” ultimatum, that’s a *you* problem if the thing you want them to change was how you found ‘em.
One of my ex’s came at me with the whole “it’s me or the dog” ultimatum.
Lady, if you try and force a guy to choose between you and his dog, you will not like the answer.
Edit to fix a typo.
I got this one once, I just laughed and told her to get out of the house if she didn’t like the dog, that was the end of that conversation 😂😂 never ask a man to choose between you and the dog, any bloke who would be willing to get rid of his dog for a chick doesn’t deserve to have one
We got a little half shih-tzu, half Maltese. Cute little white fluff looking dog. My wife and then divorced. She wanted to run off with some other guys. Not my cup of tea. She bolts and leaves the dog behind.
At first I was upset at that. Then, going to malls, etc, she was a major chicken magnet. I kept her grooming pretty good. She got me tons of dates till I attracted a winner. The pup had been with me for almost 15 years. We were best buds. I miss her far more than crappy ex.
Had an ex trying to pull something similar on me, but with our rabbits that we bought *together*. I considered it, but said no, he broke up with me several months later, which I feel would happen either way.
I felt really grateful I didn't sell them.
I also thought this but this is becoming more of an issue in my job atm (people with banned aggressive breeds) still choose a dog after it’s hospitalised the couples child.
I got this one when I was younger, it started with I’m uncomfortable with the dog in the bed, to does she need to sleep in the bed room while I’m here. I said you’re right you can’t sleep here anymore you’ll need to go home at night… her friends started calling me cold and an asshole and it soon ended. After that if she don’t like my dog and don’t get on the floor and play with him when first meeting I always kept them at arms reach.
The dog slept in the bed between us because the dog was there before me and was there after I was gone. He was a sweet hound dog and I missed him more than the ex.
I would agree until my wife. She is super allergic to all animals, but she loves them all. It’s actual torture for her because she likes to breathe and not have welts, but she loves puppies and kittens. My roommate kept the puppy a year later when I moved out and she lived a good long life. She also never asked me to give the pup up.
When I met my now husband I had an ESA dog and cat. I let him know that dog was my world, followed closely by the cat. He didn't even hesitate to accept it and the animals loved him. My Dog passed away 8 years ago in June and it still tears me up, but he's been so amazing.
People that can't accept there are other things in people's worlds should be avoided anyway.
My grandpa gave this ultimatum to my grandma early in their marriage and she was like ok bye 😂. she was definitely the cooler one who drove a motorcycle and had a jeep back in the day. The man caved lol. They had dogs ever since til she passed.
I’ll always always have a dog throughout my life and kept that story with me as relationships came and went. When my last dog of 12 years died, one of my ex’s that I was crazy in love with had reached out to offer condolences and had calls and cards sent from friends and family reaching out. That hurt more than any breakup. Dogs are too good man. You can’t break that bond.
Yeah, I have zero sympathy or chill for this statement. My stepson chooses his dog over his children. Over his immediate family. Anger issues and narcissism are not a good mix.
She broke up with me 🤷🏾♂️. Was insecure and it was a "boundary" who I could hang out with. If there was a woman that she decided looked better than her, I wouldn't be allowed to go. I work in a female dominated field. Most of my friends are women. She wanted to essentially bar me from seeing my friends. Unless maybe she could come to. But my friends didn't want to hang out with her because she was so nasty towards me about it. Both the men and women I call friends. So really I was the only one fighting for her. Her admission she would let me hang out with my ugly friends was the last straw really. My friends have been in my life longer than her. So I stood with them.
Damn, I was going to make a top level comment about how I had the same problem with work friends, and in BOTH cases I just realized they were projecting their own tendencies the whole time.
Edit: also in both cases I knew that if I did drop this friend, there would just be another demand to drop someone later on. They assured me, no no it’s just this one person but of course there were others.
She missed something important: Ugly people like to fuck too. And people do fuck them.
I'd bet though, that for her it's anyone she feels she has an edge over that's ugly. Most people are OK, not everyone has to be a movie star.
> Was insecure and it was a "boundary" who I could hang out with.
You seem to recognize what I'm about to say, but I want to say it for those who might need to hear:
Boundaries are about your own reactions, not controlling other people's actions. They need to be constructed like "if you {action}, then I will {reaction} in response". "You can't see your friends" is not that.
Boundaries should also be reasonable, clear, and clearly communicated before they're crossed. She didn't meet any of those. Even the "clearly communicated" part, which she *almost* pulled off, is thwarted by her exceptions and untold motives.
>My friends have been in my life longer than her. So I stood with them
Hell yeah. I'd do the same to someone who doesn't understand that your longtime friends have been with you WAAAY before you even met. Your world doesn't revolve around her. I hope you end up with a better person, mate.
I was in this situation. For me, it was kind of obvious which of his female friends he was more into than others. It felt like he would have jumped ship if the right one came around, and yes, he’s now married to one of the ones who I refused to spend time with as the ex girlfriend. Although, if I didn’t dump him eventually, idk how that would have panned out. Me eventually pretending to be civil forever? Him cheating? Who knows.
Lots of pieces come into play. I was his friend prior until he cheated on his former lady. Me, projecting since at least my male friends and I acknowledged and addressed burgeoning sexual tension, for better and worse. There was a double standard- tacitly, I wasn’t really allowed to be friends with dudes (although, yes, I have seen most of them as potential suitors). All things considered though, I wasn’t happy and felt constrained by my relationship with a man who treated me about equal as a “friend” unless it was time for him to get off. Lost my attraction.
In hindsight, was great to have so many guys around back in college where this kind of situation/problem could even exist. Life had its perks. Ultimately though, wasn’t fair of me to be this controlling towards the end, and let me now just apologize on behalf of women. Haha.
I understand how she felt, the motivations. Im an anomaly in how lopsided my friends genders are, it later became clear the things she did to me were a projection of how she was treated in her previous relationship. Hurt people, hurt , people. I did not budge on some of her bigger wants because I understood it would be a slippery slope to co-dependency. She once told me she only asked me to do some things just to see if I agree to it, not because she actually wanted it. It was about power, power she may not have felt in her previous relationship. However since then I've not been able to get back into a relationship and she immediately moved in with the next guy she met not even a seasons time after our break up. It's been a couple years
Not me but my buddy. Girlfriend gave him the “we get married within the next year or we break up” ultimatum. Buddy chose the break up. Funny enough, both of them met someone else within a few months of the break up and each of them got married to that new person a few years later within a few months of each other.
I’m dealing with a similar situation with a friend right now. Four years ago she said “I want us to be engaged before your brother’s wedding.” Because they were going to be only couple there that wasn’t married AND the longest lasting couple other than the parents (six years). He said sure; didn’t propose. Same thing happened a few months later with a different wedding. Sure; didn’t happen. Four years later she’s still with him crossing her fingers for a ring, giving him new deadlines that he agrees to and then blows off.
Now he’s going on extended business trips, and the “day I’ll be home” keeps changing a week or two at a time, but repeatedly, one of these trips has lasted months so far. She’s still hoping she hasn’t wasted ten years on him.
As a fellow rider however I honestly don’t fault women for this one. Mine is nervously fine with it but it’s understandable especially moving into the family stage. That said they should expect the relationship is likely to end when the raise issue.
I don't fault her for being nervous, but I do fault her for resorting to the ultimatum. I fully intend to take a break from riding if/when I'm ready for kids. It just seems irresponsible to continue a dangerous hobby when I have young kids dependent on me, and I would hope that my partner would follow the same logic if she also rides.
But that conversation would be a discussion about my concerns over the dangers of riding and how it's more serious now that there would be children left without a parent if the worst were to happen. Not an ultimatum of "it's me or the bike." And of course there's also the caveat that once the children are old enough, I'll probably want to get back into riding again.
I mean, I assume you violently dying in a motorcycle crash would be painful for your partner whether or not you have kids. It’s understandable to not want to deal with that fear or reality. Just because you don’t have young kids doesn’t mean your partner won’t be emotionally devastated by your demise. And presumably your grown up kids would still want their father around, whether or not they’re dependent on you for survival.
Me dying in a crash would be painful for my partner, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my extended family, and for a short period myself. Bikes are dangerous, I'm not afraid to acknowledge that fact. But I'm also not going to let fear rule my life.
The reason it's different when I have kids is because my kids only get one father. My parents have other children, my siblings have eachother, my friends have other friends, my partner can find a new partner.
I don't want to leave my partner in the situation of being a new parent, and a widow. I don't want to leave my kids without a father. As it stands currently I don't have any dependents, but as a father I would have dependents.
Everyone else we've listed are adults, they understand death and risk, they have the maturity and experience to deal with it if the worst should happen. But my children wouldn't. And by the time my children develop those skills, I'd likely be riding again.
Good points. But everyone dies.
Die happy if you can.
Skydiver, mountain climbers, hang gliders, and scuba diverse all have families. Life is short, live it.
I get that you love riding and I’m not trying to get you to stop. You do you. But it looks like you don’t have much experience with losing a loved one if you think your parents are gonna go welp, he’s gone but we have these others so la di da. Every single person is unique and having 10 siblings won’t mean your loss would be felt any less because there are other offspring for your parents. Just means all of those siblings will be feeling that loss. A lost puzzle piece is always lost no matter how many other pieces there are.
And for your partner, finding another partner isn’t like some trip to mall to buy a new shirt because this one has a giant hole in it. And no matter how old your kids are, losing a father is losing a father. You never get over losing someone you love. You just get better at living with it. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be to know you could’ve walked down the aisle with your father if he hadn’t done something very avoidable. Everybody dies but most of us want as much time as possible with our loved ones and not have to deal with the fact that they died a very avoidable and painful death.
Again, you do you. You’ll obviously settle with someone who’s okay with going through all that. Just giving you a perspective from the opposite side I guess. As to why a partner could want you to stop eventually.
I know you didn't mean it that way, but it is pretty hard to take your comment as a good faith contribution qhen you present my position as assuming a parent might move on from a childs death as easily as they'd move on from finding out their favorite ice cream had been discontinued.
What I meant was that parents can lean on their other children, siblings can lean on eachother, friends can get support from other friends. The individual is entirely unique, but their relationship to these people is similar to the same relationship to others in a way that is simply incomparable for a small child and their parents.
A small child simply is going to have a harder time moving on from the loss of a parent compared to anyone else losing a friend or a sibling. I don't see why you struggle with the idea that death will hit harder when it's someone who you don't have any other comparable relationships to lean on in the aftermath.
Actually, replacing a parent for a young child would be much easier than any of the other scenarios. I would say maybe up to age 3, they won't remember anything of the bio parent and the partner could find a good replacement in that time. The younger you are before puberty it would be easier to handle and replace.
My brother died paragliding 6 years ago. He was a base jumper, sky diver, wing suiter, rock climber and general danger enthusiast. He stopped riding his motorcycle about 5 years before his death after seeing too many come through his surgical OR. Motorcycles were too dangerous for him which I always found interesting and funny.
We comfort ourselves with the fact that he went out doing what he loved, but at the end of the day, there is no one else like him and I miss him.
Some people live risky lives though. Snowmobiles and motorcycles are for sure risky. Especially snowmobiles since alcohol is often mixed in. But that is part of how some people are. The risk is part of the thrill. I could see if you hid that from a partner and they found out later. That is a justifiable reason to give an ultimatum that it needs to end. But if she met them at a bar where they were drinking then went out riding on their snowmobile and continued that during the relationship, I see a problem there. She knew the type of man she was committing to. That is part of who he is and he may not want to change.
Yeah I’m not saying anything against that. Live and die how you want. I was just replying to the other commenter’s logic that they’d stop for the duration of having kids dependent on them. As if, if you don’t need something from a loved one they aren’t important anymore in your life and it’s okay if they die horribly. Death of a parent is a horrible thing no matter when. Death of a partner is a horrible thing too. You can’t just go out and get another one like you’re grocery shopping and ran out of husband. Emotional impact can last your whole life.
If your partner is okay with it then it’s fine but it’s pretty understandable to either not want someone like that at all or hope they eventually stop. Falling in love with a thrill seeker at 20 is very different from starting a family at 30 and wanting your partner to stop risky behaviour. People are allowed to change priorities and if at any point your priorities don’t align I guess you could either walk away from each other or figure out which one you’re okay living without. Nobody’s wrong for wanting either of those things.
I think certain ultimatums if delivered without anger can be ok. Things like I have to live over their to take care of my parents. Safety things. Having kids and how many.
Eh… my dads a fire chief. He’s been on many, many fatal calls where motorcycles were involved. My boyfriend was also hit by a car on one so I’m not a fan and probably will never be. Just get a dirt bike. Motorcycle accidents aren’t a matter of if, they’re a matter of when.
True. I ride dirt bikes and so does my dad. He actually shattered his shoulder and needed surgery because of it. However, the major difference is dirt bikes all depend on you like you said. If you’re riding dangerously, that’s on you. Whereas with a motorcycle, you can’t control how other people drive around you. So while dirt bikes can be dangerous, they aren’t nearly as deadly as motorcycles.
I’ve never been in this situation before, but I do remember a meme that was strangely profound.
“It’s either me or your video games” the meme started out as.
The response was something like “Your ultimatum is not something to consider. However, given the seriousness of your tone, I will choose to pick video games over you. Not that I value video games over you, but for the simple fact that you’d place our relationship on such a fragile ultimatum.”
So I was given this ultimatum and it was about a high school ex I had dated for a year so I understood and minimized contact which was easy since I was away at college. I think I got a birthday card and saw her once for like a half hour in a public group setting over the course of the time we (college girlfriend and I ) were together. She grew increasingly problematic over that and other things and after her insecurities led to her “needing” to talk to me while I was studying for a final exam and then breaking up over voicemail (answering machine as I am old) while I was asleep for the 8AM test………she begged for me back and to undue it after I totally bombed that test.
I broke up with her the next time I saw her in person like a week later. I was just done.
Shockingly she was probably right about the high school ex though because after seeing each other at a mutual friends party I ended up dating her again probably within a month or so, Twenty something years and a few kids later we are still doing pretty well.
Oh yeah. I got that early on in dating. Her or the hot rods. Guess what? The hot rods are still in the garage. They were here before her and here after her. Advice to the ladies: don’t ever pull that shit. You aren’t going to change him. You can think you will. But you won’t. And if you do, that’s a huge red flag and a sign the relationship is destined for failure because you’re with a pussy. Let your man be himself. If you need that much control of him, you need to see yourself out!
Wife here. My husband sold his minitruck because he thought he was done with the scene. He was so unhappy and when it finally became available to buy back I made sure to find the money so we could. A car guy needs cars. And parts. So many car parts. 🤣
I can see why he wifed you up! Lucky guy. Really lucky guy. And yes, parts. And more parts. And even more parts. I’m glad I’m single because I have two wire racks of parts in my bedroom and shelving units in my living room full of parts. It’s never ending.
Sometimes you come across a great deal and what are supposed to do?!? Not buy mustang seats for $20? You may need them some day. 🤣
That’s how it was explained to me! Lol
>You aren’t going to change him. You can think you will. But you won’t.
I've mentioned this before, but this always reminds me of a joke I came across once.
>A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change. A woman marries a man thinking she'll change him. Both are wrong.
I have priorities in my life. My daughter will always be #1. My cars will be #2 and then self care haha. I’ll go hungry to make sure my cars have parts. I love them.
I wish more women would understand that men can’t be changed to their specification. They need to get used to the idea that men have their hobbies and interests that aren’t going to change. Accept your man for how he is.
I'm wishing the same too, sir. I just hope they also get used to the fact that their partners had lives before meeting them.
That's one thing my SO and I have in common, the understanding of these things. And I've never been better.
Stay healthy! To you, your daughter and your awesome cars 🍻
We have a snack called "Hot Rods" over here, so for a minute I was like "this guy must be really serious about his chips. 😂😂 He has so much of them that he... keeps them in the garage?". Lol. Took me a minute.
Who tf says no to cool cars? I'm not even a car girl, but wtf, just take it for a spin or something. As long as the cash adds up, who cares. It's not base jumping.
That’s kind of my thoughts. I think they were honestly jealous of the time I spent with them. It’s not like I ignored her. She just didn’t like me spending hours in the garage. That or she didn’t like seeing me so happy by doing something without her. One or the other. Let’s just say it’s when stay single. It’s not a competition between her and the cars. She seemed to think it was though. It wasn’t fun.
From what I've observed, there are people who get most of their relational energy from spending more time apart, and those who are almost like (healthy) velcros—and happy about it. Mixing both kinds usually ends up in disappointment. Speaking from experience.
But yeah, I can imagine.
Ehh, I think there can be certain exceptions. For example: I don’t want to live with dogs, and clearly say as much. They bring new dogs into the house anyway, who proceed to tear everything up and shit on the couch. I reiterate that this is unacceptable and give them the opportunity to solve it. They refuse. I then finally say, It’s the dogs or me, decide.
I feel the same way about cats because my ex had a terrible orange tabby that destroyed over $2000 of stuff and would pee all over the house when we didn't let him out. My current partner has a really chill cat and lives with me and I barely know she's here most of the time.
Yeah? Well, you do you, I guess. But in a long term relationship, things are not so cut and dry. Especially if it’s a marriage with home and kids. And sometimes you need to stand on that hard ground to save what might otherwise be a repairable relationship. There’s a lot of “knowing your audience” and subtext at work in a deep relationship. Lots of people here seem quick to throw their hands up and cut n run when it gets tough. In my experience, that’s not really healthy or mature.
This is the only correct answer. Ultimatums are control because of their insecurities.....which are their problem. Not a healthy way to have a relationship.
This is not true all the time. If you're with someone who develops a drug problem that affects them and you negatively, and they don't want to get help or change, and you say, well since you won't change what's affecting us both, it's me or the drugs, that's not control. That's you setting your own boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate.
I once gave that ultimatum. Quit stripping, or I'm done. (She started during the relationship with a promise to quit before it broke me) divorce a month after that. I've never spoken another word to her. She tried multiple times to contact me. Never will speak to her again. I was told she got out of the business finally a couple of years ago. I was glad to hear that, though. It's not a happy life for most.
I gave the ultimately of 'me or your drugs' and was told 'I would never want to be with someone who thinks its acceptable to ask this question or put me in this position. I dont have an addiction but out of principle Im picking the drugs'.
I was initially told he was an occasional user... yeah ok... but what I didnt realise is that I needed to be more specific as to what his definition of 'occasional users' was, 5-7 days a week.
It was infact not a wake up call to him and I have no doubt hes still an 'occasional' user.
Eeeehhhhh ultimatums are just boundaries in a different name. And there are healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones.
If I say to my partner “if you cheat, we’re done.” That’s an ultimatum and I don’t think any reasonable person would say it’s an unhealthy one.
Yeah, I love how a lot of comments on here are just so black and white….. life isn’t that way. I wouldn’t immediately breakup w/ someone over something that actually makes sense. I get if it’s me vs. your friends but what about me vs. a friend who disrespects our boundaries as a couple? Hits on you? Says rude things to me/ mistreats me? I don’t think that’s unreasonable and I get dumped over something like that, it says more about them than my request tbh
Nah. My partner gave me an ultimatum once, to either move house with her, or she would move out (and we'd break up).
It was the kick in the pants I needed, and it worked out great.
Heavily disagree, there def are healthy ultimatums for the best of each person/their best interest but also you can't stand. Obviously an ultimatum that you can never hangout with the opposite sex ever is ridiculous, but saying it's either me or tobacco, or me or weed, or me or alcohol I think is fine, especially when either of those 3 things are actively damaging their own life+impacting your relationship.
We broke up. She’s with X.
She also called me after almost 2 years, saying she misses me. Our sex is what she misses the most.
Well, Godspeed. Who would have guessed.
Edit: I read the title the other way around. I gave her the ultimatum. I’m much happier today with my current girlfriend who doesn’t go out for drinks with a bunch of dudes, comes home in the morning and cheats/lies to me.
From a women’s perspective I’ve had this once. Choose to be a housewife or I won’t marry you. The irony of it is I left at the time because I was young and I worked so hard in university and had just started my career so I left.
Now 30+ with new husband it’s feeling much more fitting.
For contact no kids in either at this time
I actually gave an ultimatum. She was Indian, I’m hispanic. I pretty much said “make further steps to integrate me into your life or I’m out” after 2.5 years.
She said no. We broke up.
“Go to therapy or we are done”
I had moved from Texas to California for her, left behind all my family and friends.
My mom got cancer so i went home for two months while my mom underwent surgery and chemo. Ex was completely emotionally unavailable to support me through it, even going as far as saying:
1) my mom didn’t deserve my support
2) If you had cancer, the type of cancer my mom had was the type that you would want
3) guilting me into coming back
4) did not want to come spend time with my mom and I because it was “depressing”
5) made everything about herself (ie getting mad at me because I said “no that’s not necessary” when she was forcing donating her hair to my mom
Got to the point that I didn’t want to talk to her about my mom, the biggest thing happening in my life at the time.
I told her that this wasn’t the support I needed from her, i needed x,y,z and she broke up with me because I hadn’t scheduled a therapy session.
I was going through a tough time but I didn’t need therapy. I needed a partner who comforted me and listened to me.
Cherry on top was that ex was emotionally and physically abused as a child but would not go to therapy and i wasn’t allowed to talk about any issues those experiences caused unless she brought it up but it affected her almost daily.
Broke up. Ideally you get to pick one partner for life. Don't pick one who limits you. Life will already limit you plenty.
Pick somebody who helps you to be who you want to become.
I got plenty, from one girl. Get a different job, where I won't constantly travel, or she leaves. She didn't leave. Get rid of the armour in my hallway, or she'll leave. She didn't leave. Stop letting my mates into my apartment, or she leaves. For this, she actually left. But I still have an awesome job, I still have a cool armour in my hallway, and my friends still come and go as they please.
Seems like she was the healthy one. 1. Your travelling makes a good relationship hard. 2. Your mates coming and going as they please is invasive for her privacy if you ever move in together.
Seems like you were both better off without each other.
Protip, if someone is giving you this ultimatum, it's a manipulation tactic. Do not choose the person giving the ultimatum. A real partner doesn't try to force you to give up parts of your life to be with them. This is doubly true if X is your friend(s).
X isn't always a positive part of their lives. X could be drugs, gambling, health/mental health related issues, infidelity, a myriad of things. Yes, it can be used to manipulate. But it can also be set as a boundary. "If you continue to engage in destructive behaviours, you will lose this relationship."
Nah, it can be manipulative but there are also times when the ultimatum is a genuine need being communicated before someone walks. I.e. stop drinking every day or I leave, stop communicating with your ex who disrespects our relationship or I leave, or stop talking to me like shit or I leave.
Played in a band in college. Girlfriend hated it and pretty much wanted me to spend all my free time with her.
She said it was either her or the band. I just ignored it and carried on. I knew it was an empty threat since she had pulled similar shit before.
In hindsight, I should have called her bluff and ended things sooner, but I was dumb and in love.
It was "either my family gets to control who you go out with as if you're one of my sisters or you're out because we don't want u ruining our family reputation and our relatives could see you out hanging out with unpleasant people"
Safe to say I've never been around them since then and changed all my contact info and address even tho they owe me money enough to buy a house but my mental health is more important than buying a house lol
We decided to open our marriage and after a while started taking his toll. It was fun at first but then she started having feelings for these guys and it got to a point where I had begged her. Please stop she wouldn't so I came up with an ultimatum. It's either the apps, the random guys or me. She chose them. I quit my very good paying job and had to move back to Chicago because she wasn't getting any better. She didn't see anything wrong with her living her life. She constantly hurt me and I kept telling herself so I finally had enough and now I'm here. She's still messing with these other guys as I'm trying to fix our relationship. Today was the day I finally stopped just a few minutes ago. Actually I've always loved her but she's not there anymore. It's not the woman I love. The woman I love is gone and I have to accept that
Male here, my gf complained about a buddy of mine. Said he was a womanizer, gambler, sports nut & drinker. I said I know, he’s a lot of fun to hang out with, isn’t he? And he was also here before you were and will be here after you’re gone.
It wasn’t quite an ultimatum but close. We dated maybe 4 more months before going our separate ways. My buddy is still in the picture.
It’s never happened to me, but I’ve always thought I’d choose X in that situation.
Like another commenter said; Not because I value X over the partner, but because they’d jeopardize our relationship on a fragile ultimatum, and I’d most likely lose out on something that brings me joy on top of it. It’s a selfish play on their part and shows that they don’t fully care about me.
Like I said, it’s never happened to me, though I have ended relationships over my OTHER big no-no… Double standards.
Her: Your choice of video games with friends or me.
Me: Mario and Luigi have been in my life a lot longer than you, and it will continue to be that way.
She departed shortly afterward, and I went and tattooed the bros on me permanently, lol.
One of my ex’s came at me with the whole “it’s me or the dog” ultimatum.
Lady, if you try and force a guy to choose between him and his dog, you will not like the answer.
I actually went with what she said but regretted it later. She wanted a poly relationship or no relationship, and being young and stupid I went with it. It turns out that was just her way to date out the door without technically cheating. My self esteem took years to recover.
Here's the component of an ultimatum that we never think about:
The things a woman wants a man to give up are frequently part of why she fell for him in the first place.
She will meet a guy who is into motorcycles, fast cars, playing guitar in a band, whatever it is, it made him exciting to her. It played a significant role in her initial attraction to him.
Later, when she has him in a relationship, she starts to demand he quits whatever activity or demands he give up something other than her that occupies a place in his heart. If he does as she wishes, she will become disinterested in him because he isn't the guy she fell in love with anymore. In effect, giving in to an ultimatum demonstrates a lack of self respect and identity as an individual. If a guy doesn't respect himself, she won't respect him either. As such, the relationship is doomed.
It was my first real tattoo and she didn’t like it and didn’t want me to continue getting tattooed. I told her without hesitation that I choose tattoos. I left immediately and headed back to my house. She called crying and all apologies about 2 hours later. We broke up a couple months later for somewhat unrelated reasons and now I am heavily tattooed and she is married, happily I hope.
I got it from a gal I was dating, we were getting somewhat serious & I rode over to her place on my motorcycle. She gave me the "they're not safe", "they're only for sunny days", etc etc. then threw down the "it or me!" ultimatum. I walked over, kissed her on the forehead & said "have a nice life". I never went back.
Oh good one. I’ll be vague on purpose. Was a throuple and I was married to one of my partners. She accelerated the moving in of our mutual partner without asking me. I was annoyed, but rolled with it since it’s more love for us all right? A few months in my wife starts having episodes, mental issues which hadn’t been very apparent until then (proximity tends to mask a lot of things). Basically began treating me and my other partner like fucking dogshit, eventually “apologizing” then rinse repeat. I’ve been in a lot of relationships and this is legitimately the only one where I can say this all was 100% on the wife. Turned out she was bipolar and I caught her not taking meds or really giving a concerted effort to counseling. Moved out for a while, four days in a hotel, and she gives me an ultimatum that it’s either her or our partner. I told her I’m not doing that and it’s not as simple as all that. I got major surgery and while I’m healing she proceeded to give me two more ultimatums. Needless to say after a hard month and a half, plus a lot more awful scary shit on her end, I told her to kick rocks. Divorced the wife and stayed with my other partner and both she and I are significantly happier years later now. So I chose X and am infinitely happier and less stressed because I didn’t choose to stay with my ex.
Move with her back to her hometown across country or breakup. She ended up not actually moving. Was a mess.
She thought you were malleable enough to make it happen for her, probably.
You got Max Keeble’d.
Generational pull
Like the elf who makes cookies?
Jfc, this happened to me too except it was Orange County to Fresno
Nobody moves to “Freshno” willingly.
I had this happen and moved. I lost EVERYTHING and ended up homeless.
I broke up with her because she wanted me to get rid of my cat.
How many cats you got now?
Still got him! Just the one.
had a problem with just one kitty? poor guy :[
Fuck that bitch.
^
My man!
Omgoodness I just left my ex for the same ultimatum. She was jealous of the attention I gave her.
Are the straight women okay...?
We are. Not her obviously, but most of us love cats. Where else does the term "crazy cat lady" come from?
I have a friend doing this. It's her or his best friend, me. He chose her. Now he's broke because of her, miserable, does all the cooking and cleaning, pays for her dogs vet bills and care, all the rent etc. She demands two weekly date nights at fancy places. Sucks to suck man. I warned him.
Looks like he is a victim of emotional abuse
Absolutely. He left his wife for her. Cut off anyone who pointed out the red flags except me. Now she's demanding that too and so he's decided to cut me off. Can't help if he refuses to be helped.
Damn, dude's been making bad decision after bad decision smh......
Yup. It's not been fun watching my friend since 4th grade absolutely wreck his life. But I can't make him see reason. I'll be here when there's nothing left if he wants reconciliation.
Sometimes that's all you can do. You can talk and talk but some mfs gotta learn the hard way.
Absolutely. Hard to watch and hard to be cut off, but I'm making my peace with it. I let him know that if he ever needs me to reach out. He "has new friends now". New friends that came from her and are just like her so have at that dude. I'll be here if you ever wake up.
Is your friend's name "Silverman" by chance?
Not even close
Good on you though, he probably gonna really need your help when he wakes up
Lol he didn't 'get manipulated' then he's a cheating ass who deserved what he got
What would you do if he reached out with his tail between his legs?
Take him back with open arms. Once rock bottom hits and she's done with him he'll have no one. My door is always open if he truly wants reconciliation.
That’s real Best Friend Energy right there. Love the self respect demonstrated as well in saying “if he truly wants reconciliation.” Good human.
Thanks. I appreciate that. I often feel guilty because maybe I could've done more. He's had a rough life since childhood. Now it's all his own choices though.
Even if you “could have” done more, and may have wished to, it is not your job and was likely not your place. Though I understand the entirely human response to curate some guilt by that, I strongly encourage you to find the type of respectful peace with it where you can acknowledge it and separate it from yourself.
Just want to say, from a stranger, you are an awesome human being. Keep doing you. I hope it works out with you and your buddy
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Late to the party but I got the “it’s either give me access to all your social media accounts and your iCloud or we break up” being young and naive I let her. I had no peace of mind after that, relationship didn’t last much longer after as I broke up with her. She couldn’t stand that she didn’t have control of the relationship anymore and made all sorts of accusations months after
Holy fuck that 🚩🚩🚩
Yeah looking back I just laugh like holy shit why did I do that lmao. All good now tho
At least you learned your lesson
Can’t grow without a few mistakes 😅
And lots of women will see granting access to such things when they ask as the biggest green flag. lol
I had an ex that used to try to go thru my computer since she was convinced that I was cheating on her (spoiler: I wasn't). Meanwhile... if I was going to hide something, I wouldn't put it in an obvious place...especially not a computer folder.
Oh, yeah. Fuck that. Good thing y'all broke up.
Holy shit..
She never said it to me, but after getting married she started verbally and physically abusing my daughter telling her we'd be better off without her and told her she should go live with her grandparents. It was as good as saying, it's your daughter or me. My ex-wife was gone in an hour. Served with divorce papers within 48 hours. If she just left we wouldn't press charges.
What a horrid person
Wow this brought up some tough memories for me as the daughter of a dad who chose his abusive wife over me when I was much younger (6). It warms my heart that you chose your daughter. Idk how your family feels about therapy, but I’d highly recommend it and the sooner the better. Scars like that can follow her for a lifetime. I wish much better experiences for you both. (Sorry if this is off topic/not allowed. Also I’m not a man.)
That was 20 years ago she's an adult now. We did therapy, I'm well aware how trauma can affect children.
Sorry, was only offering advice as someone who went thru something similar. Glad to hear it 🤷🏽♀️
Got that once. Little advice: 99% of the time, the X thing was before you came into picture. Why would I give up something I am passionate about?
I can understand when it's something that we all know is harmful to themselves even if it's socially acceptable; I don't smoke but I could be on board with an ultimatum of "it's me or the cigarettes." But that's why it's 99%, the vast remainder is going to be something or someone we enjoyed and cared about before they came along. They're invading our lives, and now they're just trying to change it to their lives.
That’s always been my thought. You’re kinda allowed to complain about stuff that changes after you got together. But if you wanna make a “change X or I’m out” ultimatum, that’s a *you* problem if the thing you want them to change was how you found ‘em.
One of my ex’s came at me with the whole “it’s me or the dog” ultimatum. Lady, if you try and force a guy to choose between you and his dog, you will not like the answer. Edit to fix a typo.
I got this one once, I just laughed and told her to get out of the house if she didn’t like the dog, that was the end of that conversation 😂😂 never ask a man to choose between you and the dog, any bloke who would be willing to get rid of his dog for a chick doesn’t deserve to have one
>any bloke who would be willing to get rid of his dog for a chick doesn’t deserve to have one Doesn't deserve to have either*
*Deserves to have the kind of woman who would ask such a thing.
“Deserves got nothin’ to do with it” - Clint Eastwood in ‘Unforgiven’.
Split with my ex. Kept the dog. It was non negotiable.
We got a little half shih-tzu, half Maltese. Cute little white fluff looking dog. My wife and then divorced. She wanted to run off with some other guys. Not my cup of tea. She bolts and leaves the dog behind. At first I was upset at that. Then, going to malls, etc, she was a major chicken magnet. I kept her grooming pretty good. She got me tons of dates till I attracted a winner. The pup had been with me for almost 15 years. We were best buds. I miss her far more than crappy ex.
Yeah, a dog is a woman magnet, like a child, but it doesn't come with the ex baggage.
Immediate thought was "or the diapers", but then I remembered putting my mom's older dog in those because he got vindictive in his later years.
The dog and I don't even fucking like dogs.
The dogs and I, don't even like give a fuck, dog!
I don’t like fucking dogs either.
I never said that.
So you like fucking dogs? Damn, I would have gave you an ultimatum too and I don't do ultimatums.
I don't fuck ultimatums either
That's sexist of you.
The dog likes it to so it’s okay
They like fucking like dogs, doggy style as it were.
Redditors gonna reddit.
AYOO
So you like fucking dogs? BOYS, THIS GUY LIKES FUCKING DOGS 🫵
That went downhill sooo fast LoL 😂
Had an ex trying to pull something similar on me, but with our rabbits that we bought *together*. I considered it, but said no, he broke up with me several months later, which I feel would happen either way. I felt really grateful I didn't sell them.
I also thought this but this is becoming more of an issue in my job atm (people with banned aggressive breeds) still choose a dog after it’s hospitalised the couples child.
Dog every single time.
I got this one when I was younger, it started with I’m uncomfortable with the dog in the bed, to does she need to sleep in the bed room while I’m here. I said you’re right you can’t sleep here anymore you’ll need to go home at night… her friends started calling me cold and an asshole and it soon ended. After that if she don’t like my dog and don’t get on the floor and play with him when first meeting I always kept them at arms reach.
The dog slept in the bed between us because the dog was there before me and was there after I was gone. He was a sweet hound dog and I missed him more than the ex.
I would agree until my wife. She is super allergic to all animals, but she loves them all. It’s actual torture for her because she likes to breathe and not have welts, but she loves puppies and kittens. My roommate kept the puppy a year later when I moved out and she lived a good long life. She also never asked me to give the pup up.
When I met my now husband I had an ESA dog and cat. I let him know that dog was my world, followed closely by the cat. He didn't even hesitate to accept it and the animals loved him. My Dog passed away 8 years ago in June and it still tears me up, but he's been so amazing. People that can't accept there are other things in people's worlds should be avoided anyway.
Here I am with 2 dogs lol
My grandpa gave this ultimatum to my grandma early in their marriage and she was like ok bye 😂. she was definitely the cooler one who drove a motorcycle and had a jeep back in the day. The man caved lol. They had dogs ever since til she passed. I’ll always always have a dog throughout my life and kept that story with me as relationships came and went. When my last dog of 12 years died, one of my ex’s that I was crazy in love with had reached out to offer condolences and had calls and cards sent from friends and family reaching out. That hurt more than any breakup. Dogs are too good man. You can’t break that bond.
Yeah, I have zero sympathy or chill for this statement. My stepson chooses his dog over his children. Over his immediate family. Anger issues and narcissism are not a good mix.
Hell wouldn't even have to be *my* dog. Pretty much any random dog that isn't a little shit will win that.
She broke up with me 🤷🏾♂️. Was insecure and it was a "boundary" who I could hang out with. If there was a woman that she decided looked better than her, I wouldn't be allowed to go. I work in a female dominated field. Most of my friends are women. She wanted to essentially bar me from seeing my friends. Unless maybe she could come to. But my friends didn't want to hang out with her because she was so nasty towards me about it. Both the men and women I call friends. So really I was the only one fighting for her. Her admission she would let me hang out with my ugly friends was the last straw really. My friends have been in my life longer than her. So I stood with them.
desert bike escape profit sulky vase label disarm quiet frighten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Damn, I was going to make a top level comment about how I had the same problem with work friends, and in BOTH cases I just realized they were projecting their own tendencies the whole time. Edit: also in both cases I knew that if I did drop this friend, there would just be another demand to drop someone later on. They assured me, no no it’s just this one person but of course there were others.
She missed something important: Ugly people like to fuck too. And people do fuck them. I'd bet though, that for her it's anyone she feels she has an edge over that's ugly. Most people are OK, not everyone has to be a movie star.
Hey!
> Was insecure and it was a "boundary" who I could hang out with. You seem to recognize what I'm about to say, but I want to say it for those who might need to hear: Boundaries are about your own reactions, not controlling other people's actions. They need to be constructed like "if you {action}, then I will {reaction} in response". "You can't see your friends" is not that. Boundaries should also be reasonable, clear, and clearly communicated before they're crossed. She didn't meet any of those. Even the "clearly communicated" part, which she *almost* pulled off, is thwarted by her exceptions and untold motives.
>My friends have been in my life longer than her. So I stood with them Hell yeah. I'd do the same to someone who doesn't understand that your longtime friends have been with you WAAAY before you even met. Your world doesn't revolve around her. I hope you end up with a better person, mate.
I've been single since and she had someone set up when she left me. Moved in with him right away. The price of not following her ultimatum I suppose.
I was in this situation. For me, it was kind of obvious which of his female friends he was more into than others. It felt like he would have jumped ship if the right one came around, and yes, he’s now married to one of the ones who I refused to spend time with as the ex girlfriend. Although, if I didn’t dump him eventually, idk how that would have panned out. Me eventually pretending to be civil forever? Him cheating? Who knows. Lots of pieces come into play. I was his friend prior until he cheated on his former lady. Me, projecting since at least my male friends and I acknowledged and addressed burgeoning sexual tension, for better and worse. There was a double standard- tacitly, I wasn’t really allowed to be friends with dudes (although, yes, I have seen most of them as potential suitors). All things considered though, I wasn’t happy and felt constrained by my relationship with a man who treated me about equal as a “friend” unless it was time for him to get off. Lost my attraction. In hindsight, was great to have so many guys around back in college where this kind of situation/problem could even exist. Life had its perks. Ultimately though, wasn’t fair of me to be this controlling towards the end, and let me now just apologize on behalf of women. Haha.
I understand how she felt, the motivations. Im an anomaly in how lopsided my friends genders are, it later became clear the things she did to me were a projection of how she was treated in her previous relationship. Hurt people, hurt , people. I did not budge on some of her bigger wants because I understood it would be a slippery slope to co-dependency. She once told me she only asked me to do some things just to see if I agree to it, not because she actually wanted it. It was about power, power she may not have felt in her previous relationship. However since then I've not been able to get back into a relationship and she immediately moved in with the next guy she met not even a seasons time after our break up. It's been a couple years
My story, too. A lot of women may do this, but I found one who doesn't.
Not me but my buddy. Girlfriend gave him the “we get married within the next year or we break up” ultimatum. Buddy chose the break up. Funny enough, both of them met someone else within a few months of the break up and each of them got married to that new person a few years later within a few months of each other.
I’m dealing with a similar situation with a friend right now. Four years ago she said “I want us to be engaged before your brother’s wedding.” Because they were going to be only couple there that wasn’t married AND the longest lasting couple other than the parents (six years). He said sure; didn’t propose. Same thing happened a few months later with a different wedding. Sure; didn’t happen. Four years later she’s still with him crossing her fingers for a ring, giving him new deadlines that he agrees to and then blows off. Now he’s going on extended business trips, and the “day I’ll be home” keeps changing a week or two at a time, but repeatedly, one of these trips has lasted months so far. She’s still hoping she hasn’t wasted ten years on him.
In most cases choosing the thing you like over the person who’s giving you ultimatums is a net positive.
I lived happily ever after riding my motorcycle and purchasing many more
As a fellow rider however I honestly don’t fault women for this one. Mine is nervously fine with it but it’s understandable especially moving into the family stage. That said they should expect the relationship is likely to end when the raise issue.
I don't fault her for being nervous, but I do fault her for resorting to the ultimatum. I fully intend to take a break from riding if/when I'm ready for kids. It just seems irresponsible to continue a dangerous hobby when I have young kids dependent on me, and I would hope that my partner would follow the same logic if she also rides. But that conversation would be a discussion about my concerns over the dangers of riding and how it's more serious now that there would be children left without a parent if the worst were to happen. Not an ultimatum of "it's me or the bike." And of course there's also the caveat that once the children are old enough, I'll probably want to get back into riding again.
I mean, I assume you violently dying in a motorcycle crash would be painful for your partner whether or not you have kids. It’s understandable to not want to deal with that fear or reality. Just because you don’t have young kids doesn’t mean your partner won’t be emotionally devastated by your demise. And presumably your grown up kids would still want their father around, whether or not they’re dependent on you for survival.
Me dying in a crash would be painful for my partner, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my extended family, and for a short period myself. Bikes are dangerous, I'm not afraid to acknowledge that fact. But I'm also not going to let fear rule my life. The reason it's different when I have kids is because my kids only get one father. My parents have other children, my siblings have eachother, my friends have other friends, my partner can find a new partner. I don't want to leave my partner in the situation of being a new parent, and a widow. I don't want to leave my kids without a father. As it stands currently I don't have any dependents, but as a father I would have dependents. Everyone else we've listed are adults, they understand death and risk, they have the maturity and experience to deal with it if the worst should happen. But my children wouldn't. And by the time my children develop those skills, I'd likely be riding again.
Good points. But everyone dies. Die happy if you can. Skydiver, mountain climbers, hang gliders, and scuba diverse all have families. Life is short, live it.
I get that you love riding and I’m not trying to get you to stop. You do you. But it looks like you don’t have much experience with losing a loved one if you think your parents are gonna go welp, he’s gone but we have these others so la di da. Every single person is unique and having 10 siblings won’t mean your loss would be felt any less because there are other offspring for your parents. Just means all of those siblings will be feeling that loss. A lost puzzle piece is always lost no matter how many other pieces there are. And for your partner, finding another partner isn’t like some trip to mall to buy a new shirt because this one has a giant hole in it. And no matter how old your kids are, losing a father is losing a father. You never get over losing someone you love. You just get better at living with it. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be to know you could’ve walked down the aisle with your father if he hadn’t done something very avoidable. Everybody dies but most of us want as much time as possible with our loved ones and not have to deal with the fact that they died a very avoidable and painful death. Again, you do you. You’ll obviously settle with someone who’s okay with going through all that. Just giving you a perspective from the opposite side I guess. As to why a partner could want you to stop eventually.
I know you didn't mean it that way, but it is pretty hard to take your comment as a good faith contribution qhen you present my position as assuming a parent might move on from a childs death as easily as they'd move on from finding out their favorite ice cream had been discontinued. What I meant was that parents can lean on their other children, siblings can lean on eachother, friends can get support from other friends. The individual is entirely unique, but their relationship to these people is similar to the same relationship to others in a way that is simply incomparable for a small child and their parents. A small child simply is going to have a harder time moving on from the loss of a parent compared to anyone else losing a friend or a sibling. I don't see why you struggle with the idea that death will hit harder when it's someone who you don't have any other comparable relationships to lean on in the aftermath.
Actually, replacing a parent for a young child would be much easier than any of the other scenarios. I would say maybe up to age 3, they won't remember anything of the bio parent and the partner could find a good replacement in that time. The younger you are before puberty it would be easier to handle and replace. My brother died paragliding 6 years ago. He was a base jumper, sky diver, wing suiter, rock climber and general danger enthusiast. He stopped riding his motorcycle about 5 years before his death after seeing too many come through his surgical OR. Motorcycles were too dangerous for him which I always found interesting and funny. We comfort ourselves with the fact that he went out doing what he loved, but at the end of the day, there is no one else like him and I miss him.
Some people live risky lives though. Snowmobiles and motorcycles are for sure risky. Especially snowmobiles since alcohol is often mixed in. But that is part of how some people are. The risk is part of the thrill. I could see if you hid that from a partner and they found out later. That is a justifiable reason to give an ultimatum that it needs to end. But if she met them at a bar where they were drinking then went out riding on their snowmobile and continued that during the relationship, I see a problem there. She knew the type of man she was committing to. That is part of who he is and he may not want to change.
Yeah I’m not saying anything against that. Live and die how you want. I was just replying to the other commenter’s logic that they’d stop for the duration of having kids dependent on them. As if, if you don’t need something from a loved one they aren’t important anymore in your life and it’s okay if they die horribly. Death of a parent is a horrible thing no matter when. Death of a partner is a horrible thing too. You can’t just go out and get another one like you’re grocery shopping and ran out of husband. Emotional impact can last your whole life. If your partner is okay with it then it’s fine but it’s pretty understandable to either not want someone like that at all or hope they eventually stop. Falling in love with a thrill seeker at 20 is very different from starting a family at 30 and wanting your partner to stop risky behaviour. People are allowed to change priorities and if at any point your priorities don’t align I guess you could either walk away from each other or figure out which one you’re okay living without. Nobody’s wrong for wanting either of those things.
I think certain ultimatums if delivered without anger can be ok. Things like I have to live over their to take care of my parents. Safety things. Having kids and how many.
Eh… my dads a fire chief. He’s been on many, many fatal calls where motorcycles were involved. My boyfriend was also hit by a car on one so I’m not a fan and probably will never be. Just get a dirt bike. Motorcycle accidents aren’t a matter of if, they’re a matter of when.
Dirtbikes can be just as dangerous if not more so depending on how you ride.
True. I ride dirt bikes and so does my dad. He actually shattered his shoulder and needed surgery because of it. However, the major difference is dirt bikes all depend on you like you said. If you’re riding dangerously, that’s on you. Whereas with a motorcycle, you can’t control how other people drive around you. So while dirt bikes can be dangerous, they aren’t nearly as deadly as motorcycles.
Keep getting more, mate. Ride safe 😎
I’ve never been in this situation before, but I do remember a meme that was strangely profound. “It’s either me or your video games” the meme started out as. The response was something like “Your ultimatum is not something to consider. However, given the seriousness of your tone, I will choose to pick video games over you. Not that I value video games over you, but for the simple fact that you’d place our relationship on such a fragile ultimatum.”
I chose the drugs. Every day is a nightmare.
Never give an ultimatum unless you're ready to be single
So I was given this ultimatum and it was about a high school ex I had dated for a year so I understood and minimized contact which was easy since I was away at college. I think I got a birthday card and saw her once for like a half hour in a public group setting over the course of the time we (college girlfriend and I ) were together. She grew increasingly problematic over that and other things and after her insecurities led to her “needing” to talk to me while I was studying for a final exam and then breaking up over voicemail (answering machine as I am old) while I was asleep for the 8AM test………she begged for me back and to undue it after I totally bombed that test. I broke up with her the next time I saw her in person like a week later. I was just done. Shockingly she was probably right about the high school ex though because after seeing each other at a mutual friends party I ended up dating her again probably within a month or so, Twenty something years and a few kids later we are still doing pretty well.
Oh yeah. I got that early on in dating. Her or the hot rods. Guess what? The hot rods are still in the garage. They were here before her and here after her. Advice to the ladies: don’t ever pull that shit. You aren’t going to change him. You can think you will. But you won’t. And if you do, that’s a huge red flag and a sign the relationship is destined for failure because you’re with a pussy. Let your man be himself. If you need that much control of him, you need to see yourself out!
Wife here. My husband sold his minitruck because he thought he was done with the scene. He was so unhappy and when it finally became available to buy back I made sure to find the money so we could. A car guy needs cars. And parts. So many car parts. 🤣
I can see why he wifed you up! Lucky guy. Really lucky guy. And yes, parts. And more parts. And even more parts. I’m glad I’m single because I have two wire racks of parts in my bedroom and shelving units in my living room full of parts. It’s never ending.
Yeah we're usually too far into it to get out when we realize how much parts we really need 😂
Sometimes you come across a great deal and what are supposed to do?!? Not buy mustang seats for $20? You may need them some day. 🤣 That’s how it was explained to me! Lol
>You aren’t going to change him. You can think you will. But you won’t. I've mentioned this before, but this always reminds me of a joke I came across once. >A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change. A woman marries a man thinking she'll change him. Both are wrong.
Ain’t that the truth!
Hell yeah, preach!
>They were here before her Not a lot understand this and it's fucking frustrating. Glad you saved the hot rods, mate. Cheers!
I have priorities in my life. My daughter will always be #1. My cars will be #2 and then self care haha. I’ll go hungry to make sure my cars have parts. I love them. I wish more women would understand that men can’t be changed to their specification. They need to get used to the idea that men have their hobbies and interests that aren’t going to change. Accept your man for how he is.
I'm wishing the same too, sir. I just hope they also get used to the fact that their partners had lives before meeting them. That's one thing my SO and I have in common, the understanding of these things. And I've never been better. Stay healthy! To you, your daughter and your awesome cars 🍻
Glad to hear of your successes! Congrats! 😊
And to more of them. Cheers! 🍻
We have a snack called "Hot Rods" over here, so for a minute I was like "this guy must be really serious about his chips. 😂😂 He has so much of them that he... keeps them in the garage?". Lol. Took me a minute.
Haha! That’s funny!
Who tf says no to cool cars? I'm not even a car girl, but wtf, just take it for a spin or something. As long as the cash adds up, who cares. It's not base jumping.
That’s kind of my thoughts. I think they were honestly jealous of the time I spent with them. It’s not like I ignored her. She just didn’t like me spending hours in the garage. That or she didn’t like seeing me so happy by doing something without her. One or the other. Let’s just say it’s when stay single. It’s not a competition between her and the cars. She seemed to think it was though. It wasn’t fun.
From what I've observed, there are people who get most of their relational energy from spending more time apart, and those who are almost like (healthy) velcros—and happy about it. Mixing both kinds usually ends up in disappointment. Speaking from experience. But yeah, I can imagine.
I always go with x. I dont do ultimatums.
Most of the time yeah. If your partner has a substance use issue then I could see how an ultimatum would be necessary
Ehh, I think there can be certain exceptions. For example: I don’t want to live with dogs, and clearly say as much. They bring new dogs into the house anyway, who proceed to tear everything up and shit on the couch. I reiterate that this is unacceptable and give them the opportunity to solve it. They refuse. I then finally say, It’s the dogs or me, decide.
I feel the same way about cats because my ex had a terrible orange tabby that destroyed over $2000 of stuff and would pee all over the house when we didn't let him out. My current partner has a really chill cat and lives with me and I barely know she's here most of the time.
[удалено]
Yeah? Well, you do you, I guess. But in a long term relationship, things are not so cut and dry. Especially if it’s a marriage with home and kids. And sometimes you need to stand on that hard ground to save what might otherwise be a repairable relationship. There’s a lot of “knowing your audience” and subtext at work in a deep relationship. Lots of people here seem quick to throw their hands up and cut n run when it gets tough. In my experience, that’s not really healthy or mature.
This is the only correct answer. Ultimatums are control because of their insecurities.....which are their problem. Not a healthy way to have a relationship.
This is not true all the time. If you're with someone who develops a drug problem that affects them and you negatively, and they don't want to get help or change, and you say, well since you won't change what's affecting us both, it's me or the drugs, that's not control. That's you setting your own boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate.
You directly took those words right out of my mouth
“It’s your ultimatums or me!”
I once gave that ultimatum. Quit stripping, or I'm done. (She started during the relationship with a promise to quit before it broke me) divorce a month after that. I've never spoken another word to her. She tried multiple times to contact me. Never will speak to her again. I was told she got out of the business finally a couple of years ago. I was glad to hear that, though. It's not a happy life for most.
Kept the cat and my sanity, lost the biggest source of stress in my life.
Relationship ultimatums don't actually exist. They are instead obvious indicators that you should move on. There's no actual decision involved.
Unless X is harmful. "Me or the drugs" should be a wake up call, for example.
I gave the ultimately of 'me or your drugs' and was told 'I would never want to be with someone who thinks its acceptable to ask this question or put me in this position. I dont have an addiction but out of principle Im picking the drugs'. I was initially told he was an occasional user... yeah ok... but what I didnt realise is that I needed to be more specific as to what his definition of 'occasional users' was, 5-7 days a week. It was infact not a wake up call to him and I have no doubt hes still an 'occasional' user.
Eeeehhhhh ultimatums are just boundaries in a different name. And there are healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones. If I say to my partner “if you cheat, we’re done.” That’s an ultimatum and I don’t think any reasonable person would say it’s an unhealthy one.
Yeah, I love how a lot of comments on here are just so black and white….. life isn’t that way. I wouldn’t immediately breakup w/ someone over something that actually makes sense. I get if it’s me vs. your friends but what about me vs. a friend who disrespects our boundaries as a couple? Hits on you? Says rude things to me/ mistreats me? I don’t think that’s unreasonable and I get dumped over something like that, it says more about them than my request tbh
Yeah that's kinda what I meant. There is no actual decision when someone presents you with an ultimatum in a relationship.
Nah. My partner gave me an ultimatum once, to either move house with her, or she would move out (and we'd break up). It was the kick in the pants I needed, and it worked out great.
Heavily disagree, there def are healthy ultimatums for the best of each person/their best interest but also you can't stand. Obviously an ultimatum that you can never hangout with the opposite sex ever is ridiculous, but saying it's either me or tobacco, or me or weed, or me or alcohol I think is fine, especially when either of those 3 things are actively damaging their own life+impacting your relationship.
It was the "it's me or the dog" classic and my dog is still here. I'd never give my dog away, no matter what.
We broke up. She’s with X. She also called me after almost 2 years, saying she misses me. Our sex is what she misses the most. Well, Godspeed. Who would have guessed. Edit: I read the title the other way around. I gave her the ultimatum. I’m much happier today with my current girlfriend who doesn’t go out for drinks with a bunch of dudes, comes home in the morning and cheats/lies to me.
From a women’s perspective I’ve had this once. Choose to be a housewife or I won’t marry you. The irony of it is I left at the time because I was young and I worked so hard in university and had just started my career so I left. Now 30+ with new husband it’s feeling much more fitting. For contact no kids in either at this time
I actually gave an ultimatum. She was Indian, I’m hispanic. I pretty much said “make further steps to integrate me into your life or I’m out” after 2.5 years. She said no. We broke up.
Did you ever make curry tacos? Or taco tikka masala?
“Go to therapy or we are done” I had moved from Texas to California for her, left behind all my family and friends. My mom got cancer so i went home for two months while my mom underwent surgery and chemo. Ex was completely emotionally unavailable to support me through it, even going as far as saying: 1) my mom didn’t deserve my support 2) If you had cancer, the type of cancer my mom had was the type that you would want 3) guilting me into coming back 4) did not want to come spend time with my mom and I because it was “depressing” 5) made everything about herself (ie getting mad at me because I said “no that’s not necessary” when she was forcing donating her hair to my mom Got to the point that I didn’t want to talk to her about my mom, the biggest thing happening in my life at the time. I told her that this wasn’t the support I needed from her, i needed x,y,z and she broke up with me because I hadn’t scheduled a therapy session. I was going through a tough time but I didn’t need therapy. I needed a partner who comforted me and listened to me. Cherry on top was that ex was emotionally and physically abused as a child but would not go to therapy and i wasn’t allowed to talk about any issues those experiences caused unless she brought it up but it affected her almost daily.
Broke up. Ideally you get to pick one partner for life. Don't pick one who limits you. Life will already limit you plenty. Pick somebody who helps you to be who you want to become.
I got plenty, from one girl. Get a different job, where I won't constantly travel, or she leaves. She didn't leave. Get rid of the armour in my hallway, or she'll leave. She didn't leave. Stop letting my mates into my apartment, or she leaves. For this, she actually left. But I still have an awesome job, I still have a cool armour in my hallway, and my friends still come and go as they please.
Seems like she was the healthy one. 1. Your travelling makes a good relationship hard. 2. Your mates coming and going as they please is invasive for her privacy if you ever move in together. Seems like you were both better off without each other.
The only time I got the ultimatum was during my ho phase. "It's either the five other women or me". So she was kind of right about it.
Protip, if someone is giving you this ultimatum, it's a manipulation tactic. Do not choose the person giving the ultimatum. A real partner doesn't try to force you to give up parts of your life to be with them. This is doubly true if X is your friend(s).
X isn't always a positive part of their lives. X could be drugs, gambling, health/mental health related issues, infidelity, a myriad of things. Yes, it can be used to manipulate. But it can also be set as a boundary. "If you continue to engage in destructive behaviours, you will lose this relationship."
Nah, it can be manipulative but there are also times when the ultimatum is a genuine need being communicated before someone walks. I.e. stop drinking every day or I leave, stop communicating with your ex who disrespects our relationship or I leave, or stop talking to me like shit or I leave.
Played in a band in college. Girlfriend hated it and pretty much wanted me to spend all my free time with her. She said it was either her or the band. I just ignored it and carried on. I knew it was an empty threat since she had pulled similar shit before. In hindsight, I should have called her bluff and ended things sooner, but I was dumb and in love.
"it's either your collection of funkos and pirate hats or me" later bimbo 😆
aye, good call matey
/j ?
It's that you thought you could control him by using an ultimatum rather than discussing it like an adult and treating him like an equal
We broke up. It has been eleven years now and I don't regret it a bit. Nothing good ever comes from people who do ultimatums.
She said stop wearing my panties so I started buying my own. Problem solved
It was "either my family gets to control who you go out with as if you're one of my sisters or you're out because we don't want u ruining our family reputation and our relatives could see you out hanging out with unpleasant people" Safe to say I've never been around them since then and changed all my contact info and address even tho they owe me money enough to buy a house but my mental health is more important than buying a house lol
I got a “live with me in x state or were breaking up” and it was me choosing one of my dream schools or her essentially.
My ex had problems with all my female friends :(
sometimes your hoping your partner chooses x because you dont have the balls to break it off.
We decided to open our marriage and after a while started taking his toll. It was fun at first but then she started having feelings for these guys and it got to a point where I had begged her. Please stop she wouldn't so I came up with an ultimatum. It's either the apps, the random guys or me. She chose them. I quit my very good paying job and had to move back to Chicago because she wasn't getting any better. She didn't see anything wrong with her living her life. She constantly hurt me and I kept telling herself so I finally had enough and now I'm here. She's still messing with these other guys as I'm trying to fix our relationship. Today was the day I finally stopped just a few minutes ago. Actually I've always loved her but she's not there anymore. It's not the woman I love. The woman I love is gone and I have to accept that
I got a stalker for a year and a half. Fun times.
Male here, my gf complained about a buddy of mine. Said he was a womanizer, gambler, sports nut & drinker. I said I know, he’s a lot of fun to hang out with, isn’t he? And he was also here before you were and will be here after you’re gone. It wasn’t quite an ultimatum but close. We dated maybe 4 more months before going our separate ways. My buddy is still in the picture.
It’s never happened to me, but I’ve always thought I’d choose X in that situation. Like another commenter said; Not because I value X over the partner, but because they’d jeopardize our relationship on a fragile ultimatum, and I’d most likely lose out on something that brings me joy on top of it. It’s a selfish play on their part and shows that they don’t fully care about me. Like I said, it’s never happened to me, though I have ended relationships over my OTHER big no-no… Double standards.
Me or the beard. Beard is still here.
Her: Your choice of video games with friends or me. Me: Mario and Luigi have been in my life a lot longer than you, and it will continue to be that way. She departed shortly afterward, and I went and tattooed the bros on me permanently, lol.
My dad got the me or golf, jaw dropped when he chose golf, she came back 3 months later and backed down on the crazy.
Laughed in Toxic Masculinity and casted her aside.
One of my ex’s came at me with the whole “it’s me or the dog” ultimatum. Lady, if you try and force a guy to choose between him and his dog, you will not like the answer.
It will always be X. I don’t give in to emotional blackmail.
I actually went with what she said but regretted it later. She wanted a poly relationship or no relationship, and being young and stupid I went with it. It turns out that was just her way to date out the door without technically cheating. My self esteem took years to recover.
Here's the component of an ultimatum that we never think about: The things a woman wants a man to give up are frequently part of why she fell for him in the first place. She will meet a guy who is into motorcycles, fast cars, playing guitar in a band, whatever it is, it made him exciting to her. It played a significant role in her initial attraction to him. Later, when she has him in a relationship, she starts to demand he quits whatever activity or demands he give up something other than her that occupies a place in his heart. If he does as she wishes, she will become disinterested in him because he isn't the guy she fell in love with anymore. In effect, giving in to an ultimatum demonstrates a lack of self respect and identity as an individual. If a guy doesn't respect himself, she won't respect him either. As such, the relationship is doomed.
It was my first real tattoo and she didn’t like it and didn’t want me to continue getting tattooed. I told her without hesitation that I choose tattoos. I left immediately and headed back to my house. She called crying and all apologies about 2 hours later. We broke up a couple months later for somewhat unrelated reasons and now I am heavily tattooed and she is married, happily I hope.
I got it from a gal I was dating, we were getting somewhat serious & I rode over to her place on my motorcycle. She gave me the "they're not safe", "they're only for sunny days", etc etc. then threw down the "it or me!" ultimatum. I walked over, kissed her on the forehead & said "have a nice life". I never went back.
Oh good one. I’ll be vague on purpose. Was a throuple and I was married to one of my partners. She accelerated the moving in of our mutual partner without asking me. I was annoyed, but rolled with it since it’s more love for us all right? A few months in my wife starts having episodes, mental issues which hadn’t been very apparent until then (proximity tends to mask a lot of things). Basically began treating me and my other partner like fucking dogshit, eventually “apologizing” then rinse repeat. I’ve been in a lot of relationships and this is legitimately the only one where I can say this all was 100% on the wife. Turned out she was bipolar and I caught her not taking meds or really giving a concerted effort to counseling. Moved out for a while, four days in a hotel, and she gives me an ultimatum that it’s either her or our partner. I told her I’m not doing that and it’s not as simple as all that. I got major surgery and while I’m healing she proceeded to give me two more ultimatums. Needless to say after a hard month and a half, plus a lot more awful scary shit on her end, I told her to kick rocks. Divorced the wife and stayed with my other partner and both she and I are significantly happier years later now. So I chose X and am infinitely happier and less stressed because I didn’t choose to stay with my ex.