This is why I compare myself to who I was before. Don't compare yourself to anybody other than yourself. Be happy when you're better today than you were yesterday.
I always thought that being a good person with a decent work ethic was enough to get you where you need to be in life. I'm now learning that that's not true.
Feeling this a lot right now. I've got a great family, great job, great friends. No real pressing issues. I should be enormously grateful. But I still struggle with happiness. In the end it's always you vs. you.
In dealing with my own troubles, I was told to aim for being content and enjoy the moments of happiness. Being happy 100% of the time is not sustainable
Oh dear God yes! So many times I should have thrown caution to the wind and just did something. And none of these were terrible or dumb things, just mental programming that I had courtesy of family or society.
The amount of times I've wanted to do something that is frowned upon, or technically illegal (as in something the police would never bother to actually get you for), but haven't because I've been conditioned to be a good member of society.
And that sometimes, you need to know when to walk away. The signs that my ex.wife was not playing with a full deck and just wanted to dominate and control me where there, but I ignored them aiming for change. It took her trying to stab me to make me go "time to bounce."
My current wife is the polar opposite and a complete force of nature. 2nd time really was the charm....
Agreed. There are no loyalties in business. Temporary relationships that may feel good at the time, but there will be no loyalty. At some point no-one will remember or care about the amazing thing or things you've done to help grow the business, or the all nighters to deliver. Some other sage advice is that no one cares more about your future or well being than you, nor should they, so take care of yourself. And when it comes to finances, pay yourself first.
As an example: who in the general public can, off the top of their head, tell me the names of the gaffers who worked on Avatar 2? Anybody able to tell me a minimum 3 of the primary original individual inventors of Digital Cinema? Anybody, off the top of their head, able to tell me at least 2 names of those who lead the distribution of Dcinema packages for Star Wars: Last Jedi to theaters? How about this … anybody able to tell me who did the rigging/skelton work for … say 3D character Buzz Lightyear?
Largely, *nobody* can tell me the names of any of those people. Nonetheless they play a crucial role in the end product. But … they are nameless, faceless people who are replaceable. (Yeah, they are somewhere in the massive name list that scrolls after the movie … but none of the general public reads or much less cares.)
Anyway. Come to work. Do your job. *Do it well*. And collect your paycheck. And live your life. You aren’t some lynch pin for an entire company. There’s nobody who is “indispensable.”
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I'm gonna push back on this. If you're looking for the scale of public recognition, you're right that you can't make a difference. And at the end of the day, to your *company* you are a disposable cog in the machine.
That said, a company is still comprised of individuals. You spend a huge amount of time with your coworkers, and can have a massive impact on their lives. I remember those who've had a great impact on me, both positive and negative. And I do my best to always have a positive impact on those I work with, and it has turned an otherwise mundane career tremendously rewarding. When you see the look on your employee's face as you share the news of a big raise you negotiated for them, when you receive a message saying "I was going to quit before I started working with you - you've changed my life," when you attend the wedding of a coworker and their mother whom you've never met thanks you - that shit matters.
My company could fire me tomorrow - I'll never forget the people who've done those sorts of things for me, and I'll never forget getting to make that sort of impact on others.
some people get lucky, some people get shit on by life. there is no rhyme or reason to it and nothing anyone can do about it. good things will happen to bad people, good things will happen to good people, bad things will happen to good people, bad things will happen to bad people.
I learned this as a little kid.
Some kids get go-karts and mini-bikes, I don't.
Some kids get tree houses, I don't.
Some kids get beat up by their parents, I don't.
You can't control the wind, but you can trim your sails.
I like this one a lot. People often only compare themselves to people that are doing better, not those doing worse. Social media aint reality, those tired-ass people you see in the grocery checkout lane are.
At the end of the day, those heroic fantasy adventures in movies and books aren't real, the closest you can get on this earth is conquering your own circumstances and bettering yourself.
Uh, counterpoint, I'm about to embark on a quest of adventure and heroic altruism. I need a band of merry men, who is with me. *Women also may apply for positions within the band of merry men, we are an equal opportunity guild.
Your mental health is more important than hitting an arbitrary series of metrics of success you've convinced yourself will actually make you happy
Chasing prestige can easily become a trap if you're not careful
You mean waking up every day to put on a suit and taxi to a skyscraper to ride an elevator to walk stiffly around an office checking on my minions ISN'T the end goal of life!?
I'll be honest, the latter is a lesson I had to unlearn. There are people who truly care about you. Learning who they are and nurturing those relationships has been one of the pillars of my life.
Agreed. Having that top mindset tends to draw that closer to you. If you're a good person, who got fucked over by a bad person, and you change because of it. They won.
If this statements is truly a universal truth then the implication is, you don't give a shit about anyone and will screw them over in a heartbeat if it slightly benefits you.
Now if you genuinely think otherwise about yourself , then the odds are in a world of eight billion people you are not singularly unique in clearing what I see as a very low threshold of basic human decency. To care somewhat and not throw someone under the bus for the bare minimum of advantage it offers you.
All this is to say, sure there are all kind assholes out there but not everyone is an asshole. I personally find statements of this kind as subjective cynicism sold as some supposedly bitter truth people will discover with passage of time.
Thank you so much! It’s incredible what a good woman who supports you 100% can do.
I went through a rough patch in my work and personal life. My girlfriend was there to support me and help while I tried putting getting things back on track.
I knew this is the one I’m gonna marry one day. Been 6 years now!
Trying to make everyone happy is going to get you nowhere. It'll probably make you just as many enemies as friends and people will use you as a doormat.
I spent way too much time when I was younger trying to please everyone.
"The One" doesn't exist. The notion of romanticized, true love is immature and stupid. We are not that important, and no one is paying much attention to us. Expectations breed resentment and we have to work the rest of our lives.
Maybe this is why my ex got over things so quickly, but it's more nuanced. I didn't believe in "the one" until her and I met. My anxiety ruined a lot of things, and I pushed her to the degree that she does hate me.
Your point of "we are not that important" resonates, but only when I think of how she's moved on. I didn't cheat or lie, and I never have. We were going to purchase a home together, and the day we were going to put an offer in, I had an absolute panic attack, and the things I said quite honestly ended things.
But I'm also lost why if "we are not that important" holds true, why she called me a "leech", "worm", and a "waste of life" was necessary. That did so much damage to my own self-image. Perhaps that's my own issue. But it hurt. I look at it this way: my anxiety caused deep hurt, albeit unintentionally, and she intentionally caused hurt.
Sorry, fellow redditor, for this novel. Before anyone asks, I am in therapy.
I am told I should forgive myself, yet it feels like she was the one, and I haven't enjoyed much of life at all since we broke up..
Edit: spelling/grammar
Mate, your actions may also have caused her anxiety, it’s very immature/non-accountable to say “my anxiety caused my actions but she chose hers”. Go get help for your issues so u don’t destroy another woman who is trying to love u. Sincerely, someone who has been there too.
Case in point: it isn't that I'm misunderstood. It's that what I communicate isn't always aligned or clearly portrays my feelings.
I read once, recently, in a book and this isn't word for word, but the meaning behind the message was when you put yourself through suffering for things done on an individual level, what degree of self-inflicted suffering is enough? When is the sentence of suffering satisfied?
I have a different spin on this one:
Learning to navigate ambiguity and being okay with uncertainty is a very valuable skill on many facets of life. You can't know how something will turn out but still need to make the best decisions possible and trust that you did the best you could.
I think the need for closure comes from a fear of uncertainty. Life and people usually won't give you closure, but if you don't fear uncertainty you won't need closure. It's okay to not know why things happen sometimes.
1.Stay in shape. No matter what.
2. Start saving money as soon as possible. Fuck the new car, fuck that vacation, fuck spending 200$ going out in a weekend. Save. 401k, Roth IRA, company pension…whatever. Save.
3. Choose Peace over Happiness. Every single time.
I started saving hard in my 20s. I’m in my 40s now. It’s great advice, gives you a lot of peace of mind as well as flexibility when shit hits the fan (car breaks, family emergency, job loss, etc etc etc)
You’ve heard about “saving for a rainy day”??? Thats because the chance of it raining is 100% and you want to be ready. Having a financial safety net helps you sleep better.
Save until that happens. Then, do what you want.
Have the money start working for you while you are still young. Look up “compound interest” and understand it well. This makes a huge difference in your life.
If you start saving 15% of your income at age 20 and keep going till you're 65, you'll end up being able to replace 138% of that level of income in retirement. If you wait till 25 to start, you're down to 100% and if you wait till 30 to start, then you're at 71%.
For everyone who isn't inheriting a shitload of money, time and compound interest are the best tools you have to making sure you can retire.
Because you'll end up like me with shit tons of debt which took me 5 years off my twenties paying it off. Honestly save, the guy is right, even if it's $5 a week. You'll appreciate it in the long run.
1. Only 1st of your advices sounds adequate, IMO.
2. Sounds like you postponing your life till some
"peaceful times", which may never happen, and fuck up every experience which is not focused on earning money. Life was not always about money. It's quite new in terms of humanity history to be so focused on getting richer.
Also, being able to travel and explore the world has been a privilege for quite a long time, as opposed to insane cutting on every possible corner to survive in “potential” future. My parents’ happiest moments of life were ones they’ve been traveling the world together. (they are not poor & they save, but not hysterically).
**Also, your finances are getting less and less valuable in time due to inflation**. Crisis may hit in any moment. Markets may crush. Your money will be gone, but experiences and real assets - won’t. Consider this.
3. So you are basically saying that if you only began a career and it doesn’t suit you so much, & you want to try something new, you should shut that desire and rot in your current place? Nah.
Hey. I think you read WAY TOO MUCH INTO MY ADVICE.
Clarification
1. Stay in shape. Future you will love you for it. You got this one.
2. Don’t spend money on dumb shit. That’s it.
3. Seek those things that add to your Peace which can lead to emotional stability. Trying to be “Happy” all the time leads to frustration, anxiety and regrets. Enjoy the happy times in your life, but understand that it will come and go.
This is the advice that I (56 year old me) would give 21 year old me, if I could. Hope this clears up what I meant.
A vacation isn’t dumb shit though… of course it depends but there are plenty of cases where travelling or doing something with people you care about is well worth it even if it hurts your bank account a little
The way he explained point #2 is very subjective. Everyone enjoys different things and some people can afford certain luxuries while still saving that others can't.
It's all about intentionality. It's okay to intentionally spend on what is valuable t you now, while making sure the opportunity cost isn't crazy and still have some money left over to save/invest.
I read number two more like: Ignore what society tells you about what you need to do to be happy, how much you need to spend to be happy.
Don't bother keeping up with the Joneses because that is harmful illusion.
People will use you if you let them and actions are just important as words. It’s better to walk away than to wait for someone to respect you, even if that makes you “the bad guy”
Everything is temporary and replaceable. You’re loved one that is cuddle up with you - divorces happen. That best buddy you’re having a drink with and sharing jokes - may not be there in a few years. You’re job that you give 110% at and work overtime - made redundant / fired and a new person in the next day. Just enjoy the ride and do your best - life is not fair and will history will forget you instantly.
That’s touch between these two
1. Stress is the root of 90% of your health issues (at least in my case. Turns out I’ve got autoimmune stuff and immune system shuts off when I’m stressed). Masters program during college was my breaking point. Once I graduated, I had the equivalent of a month long flu and took nearly a year to recover from symptoms. Still trying to shed off the weight gain from that year
2. Stand. STAND FOR FUCKS SAKE. I don’t care how much you think you’re doing it. You need to double, triple, or quadruple it. If you aren’t on your feet for at least 45mins every waking hour of the day, you aren’t standing enough. Every minute you are sitting is damaging your back and you cannot recover it. Sincerely, a guy who needed back surgery at 25
Envy is real. Especially among men not doing anything with their lives. You have to be cautious who you confide your life, dreams, and ambitions with - even among bros.
Time stops for no man and you never get a chance to start over. Time really is the most valuable thing anyone has. Waiting for the right time do things can lead you to wasting time and wondering where it all went. You need to be responsible for your own life and make yourself go after what you want.
You can't really fault people for not caring. Most people have their own interest in mind. And rightfully so, it's not a bad thing to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. We're all just trying to solve our own problems. So unless someone is blatantly malicious, or criminal, try to understand why they're doing what they're doing.
Reaching retirement age isn't a guarantee.
Worked with a guy who's whole life was dedicated to saving money for his retirement. Like I'm talking with savings, investments and assets easily 500k squirrelled away.
Died at 55 without spending a penny of it.
This should be higher up. You could die before you retire. You could become chronically ill and not be able to do any of the things you were planning to do. Plan for the future, but remember to live now as well, bc you can never be sure what tomorrow will look like.
Perception is reality. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, or if you show up early everyday. If no one sees you doing it. Then you didn’t do it. The people that get “seen” doing good stuff get rewarded.
If you try to please everyone. You end up pleasing no one.
It’s okay to say no.
If you can’t affect it? Don’t worry about it.
Alcohol is sneaky. You may think you don’t have a problem. Then it hits you that you’re drinking too much.
Learn to cook. It’s better for your health and if you’re a single man, women love it.
Try to keep the weight off as you get older.
Hard work doesn't mean success. You need some skill, but it's mostly who you know to get your foot in the door. Timing, networking and work are needed.
Being a nepo baby is incredibly helpful.
That no matter what, you have to be your biggest supporter. Don’t rely on anyone to do anything for you, nor have expectations for them to do anything for you.
Sometimes the victory laps are the lonely runs.
- University major is indeed important and may influence your life for a long time.
- Majority of people are incompetent & unmotivated as hell. But there are few ones, usually geniuses, that definitely care about what they are doing.
- If an industry / profession is relatively new, it’s much easier to get there. As soon as it becomes mainstream, job requirements will get much higher.
- There exists insanely romantic and passionate love, but if you are middle class, it will always be influenced by your financial situation which may fuck up every pure feeling.
- During school, be present in the moment. Study, have hobbies, have friends. These “humane” occupations will get insanely difficult to have once you have a job and adult responsibilities.
- People are very different. Some might have fucked up health, some may have social anxiety. All these problems have their roots and reasons. Do not be harsh on people that may be less successful than you.
- People are, again, different. Some have incredible talents and tons of energy and intellectual capabilities. They will get everything on the spot. Do not compare yourself to them. Just learn some tricks they use and repeat. Also, be close to them as they may be very useful to you.
- Beauty, intellect and good mental health often come together. Ugliness, dumbness and poor physical and mental health also often come together. Because we are made of fucking genes and DNA.
just checking: should it be “the majority of people” as in 90% of everything is crap as opposed to “Majority people” being dominant race/culture in a nation, e.g. white caucasians in USA?
To be fair some minority group in USA are more competent and ambitious that average American, but I attribute that to immigration strongly filtering for these positive outliers to come in as opposed to average group genetics being different.
The most amazing milestones in the world to you are life as normal to everyone else.
I remember walking around with my brand new baby. To me, it was incredible. Monumental.
To the world - another kid, nothing special.
Toughness will help you survive a fight but money, influence, and power are more critical to success.
Raising kids is the hardest job on the planet due to the emotional stress.
The nice guy does not always win.
If people knew the amount of crime and criminals that are out there ripping people off and killing people they would not sleep easily at night. My job has given me in-site into this. Some of these people are straight up cold blooded and will take away your life in a second.
No one knows what they are doing. We all suffer through imposter syndrome. Just do your best, but don't apply yourself too much. Jobs don't care about the hard work you do.
How you feel about other people doesn’t change them. You can love, trust, worship, or hate someone with all your might and it doesn’t matter or affect them in the slightest unless you take real tangible action as a consequence.
And even then, you have no control over *how* it affects them. The only thing you control is your own inner world.
Someone always has it worse than you do, but that doesn't invalidate your trials and tribulations.
I still haven't managed to fully internalize that one.
You cannot prevent trauma, tragedy or betrayal by "doing good", by "being kind", or by "giving someone enough". So stop making yourself invisible or avoiding asking for what you want or what you need because you're afraid it'll scare your partner or friend away.
If it scares them away, they weren't the right partner or friend to begin with. Doesn't mean they have to give you what you want or need. Just means if they drop you over having and expressing a need they weren't right for you to begin with.
That most of the people you meet through life you will maybe never see again. Friends come and go as life takes each of us on different paths. I understand it and i accept it, but i dont have to like it.
No matter how hard you work, no matter how much $ you make, no matter how hard you try, no one gives a shit about you. Unless you are giving them all the fruits of your labor & efforts. An even then they only care for that moment in time.
If in any situation in life you feel like you're flying too close to the sun, you probably are and its best to change, move on or ask for help sooner than later.
A lot of people who say or pretend they care about you dont. Or at the very least not as much as they say or pretend. Don't rely on people til they prove they can be relied on.
That words REALLY don’t meet actions all the time and you will lose yourself in someone’s words and promises but it the day to day actions do not match the. You either need to address it or leave because you will lose yourself in someone’s words so easily
Don't take anything for granted because your life can change in a moment. You can prepare for adversity, but a lot of terrible things can happen to you that there was truly no way to expect, or foresee them coming.
61(M)
- The secret to good mental health is not care how bad you feel and just carry on and be your best alongside it
- As a man, nobody is coming to save you. No one cares, it’s all on you.
- Everything and everyone is temporary
Nobody is going to come save you. Not the government, not that person who professes how much they love you, not your parents, nobody. Therefore, you’re better off finding your own solutions
A lot of my current problems are the results of my own poor choices in the past that have come back to bite me in the ass. And it's only up to me to fix them.
Friends are acquaintances and will disappear. Spouses change their minds and leave. Family is with you forever, for good or bad.
Rely on only yourself because everyone lets you down at some point.
That shitty people exist and they will affect your life in some way at least once, no matter how careful you are.
The other side of that coin is the *best* life lesson I've learnt: that genuinely good people exist and they will affect your life in some way at least once also.
You are as expendable to society as it's possible for a sentient creature to be.
At that young age, most men haven't started a family of their own. Don't own huge assets. Haven't build up a legacy.
You are basically meat on the chopping block.
Physical activity, healthy food, and maintaining overall good health are more important than this urgent project right now. You'll forget the project but you won't forget a heart attack.
Hardest lesson?
We are all truly alone in this world.
No matter how many friends and family you have, we still have to deal with a certain level of loneliness.
Just my two cents...
You have to make your own breaks in this world. You can’t depend on anyone else to care enough or know how.
The first step is believing you deserve it. The next is deciding what you want. The third is getting after it and making it happen.
Hydrate, I’m about to be 30 and it’s wild how my peers haven’t learned how to party/drink responsibly. Seriously get into the habit of drinking water
You can’t control how other people act, you can only control how you react. Give people enough time and they’ll show you who they are. Sucks to see decade long friendships end over some bullshit but people are gonna view you and treat you different than you treat them and there’s nothing you can do about it
Take care of your teeth. Brush and floss! I had to have a tooth removed during Covid cause of poor dental hygiene and it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.
Work at a place where you actually like being there or don’t dislike it to the point it’s soul crushing. Makes a world of difference
For me personally, I’m not as self aware as I thought. I’ve gone through dark periods of my life and didn’t realize I was depressed or anything was even remotely wrong with my lifestyle until I broke down into a sobbing mess while just trying to do house chores. Even then I had to move back to my hometown and completely change my daily habits before I realized what a mess I once was, which in itself came with some lessons about myself.
I don’t know if it’s the harshest, but one thing I realised is that most people are primarily self centred at the end of the day, dumb as sh*t, have a lot of stupid ideology, and are quite resistant to changing.
As someone who has never been those things, I’ve also never understood that stupid headspace.
Comparison is the thief of joy
The older I get, the more I see the truth on this
This is why I compare myself to who I was before. Don't compare yourself to anybody other than yourself. Be happy when you're better today than you were yesterday.
My wife has yet to learn this lesson... maybe she'll learn it on her own.
Which leads to the other harsh lesson in life. People don't change
Eh that’s not true. It’s just not super common. People grow and change.
Yeah it needs an addendum People only change if they're capable of it and want to. You can't control it
Therapist here: HEALTHY people grown and change.
The rapist, I'm not sure I want to take life advice from you. No offense.
How much debt does she have? 🤣
You can do everything "right" and still get fucked over by life.
The best advice Picard ever gave
Picard said the F word?
Fire
Shut the fuck up Wesley
I always thought that being a good person with a decent work ethic was enough to get you where you need to be in life. I'm now learning that that's not true.
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness; that is life
Also, life isn’t fair. You can do everything by the book and still get f over, life , a shitty boss, or a spouse …
How all throughout life so much of shit is just in your head and you have committed so much self-sabotage.
Feeling this a lot right now. I've got a great family, great job, great friends. No real pressing issues. I should be enormously grateful. But I still struggle with happiness. In the end it's always you vs. you.
In dealing with my own troubles, I was told to aim for being content and enjoy the moments of happiness. Being happy 100% of the time is not sustainable
Oh dear God yes! So many times I should have thrown caution to the wind and just did something. And none of these were terrible or dumb things, just mental programming that I had courtesy of family or society.
The amount of times I've wanted to do something that is frowned upon, or technically illegal (as in something the police would never bother to actually get you for), but haven't because I've been conditioned to be a good member of society.
You can't make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don't appreciate. …still chewing on this one.
Mine was similar in regards to a relationship. You can do everything right and handle everything the right way and it can still be not good enough.
It's often not you, it's them. And also unresolved trauma or issues will arise in others and there's nothing you can do. It's their problem
And that sometimes, you need to know when to walk away. The signs that my ex.wife was not playing with a full deck and just wanted to dominate and control me where there, but I ignored them aiming for change. It took her trying to stab me to make me go "time to bounce." My current wife is the polar opposite and a complete force of nature. 2nd time really was the charm....
You are expendable and your career is bullshit.
no one will remember you at all when you leave your work place, might take a few days, might take a few years, the show will go on without you
They just notice the change in workload
And if you were a newb busting ass with a lazy super, they blame it on you, despite quitting for being overworked.
Literally just left my job as a performer. I thought the show would be messed up with my abrupt departure, but the show still went on 😂
Realizing this has made it easy to watch “The Office” episodes after Michael Scott’s departure. It is a harsh reality indeed.
I mean… I really strongly feel that isn’t true. Good people are often missed from the workplace. Crappy people aren’t.
No one cares about you or your well being but your mom
Sometimes not even her.
Exactly. Not all of us come from healthy families. For those of us... We really are entirely on our own.
Agreed. There are no loyalties in business. Temporary relationships that may feel good at the time, but there will be no loyalty. At some point no-one will remember or care about the amazing thing or things you've done to help grow the business, or the all nighters to deliver. Some other sage advice is that no one cares more about your future or well being than you, nor should they, so take care of yourself. And when it comes to finances, pay yourself first.
As an example: who in the general public can, off the top of their head, tell me the names of the gaffers who worked on Avatar 2? Anybody able to tell me a minimum 3 of the primary original individual inventors of Digital Cinema? Anybody, off the top of their head, able to tell me at least 2 names of those who lead the distribution of Dcinema packages for Star Wars: Last Jedi to theaters? How about this … anybody able to tell me who did the rigging/skelton work for … say 3D character Buzz Lightyear? Largely, *nobody* can tell me the names of any of those people. Nonetheless they play a crucial role in the end product. But … they are nameless, faceless people who are replaceable. (Yeah, they are somewhere in the massive name list that scrolls after the movie … but none of the general public reads or much less cares.) Anyway. Come to work. Do your job. *Do it well*. And collect your paycheck. And live your life. You aren’t some lynch pin for an entire company. There’s nobody who is “indispensable.” Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I'm gonna push back on this. If you're looking for the scale of public recognition, you're right that you can't make a difference. And at the end of the day, to your *company* you are a disposable cog in the machine. That said, a company is still comprised of individuals. You spend a huge amount of time with your coworkers, and can have a massive impact on their lives. I remember those who've had a great impact on me, both positive and negative. And I do my best to always have a positive impact on those I work with, and it has turned an otherwise mundane career tremendously rewarding. When you see the look on your employee's face as you share the news of a big raise you negotiated for them, when you receive a message saying "I was going to quit before I started working with you - you've changed my life," when you attend the wedding of a coworker and their mother whom you've never met thanks you - that shit matters. My company could fire me tomorrow - I'll never forget the people who've done those sorts of things for me, and I'll never forget getting to make that sort of impact on others.
Well said. Very well said.
They will replace you in five minutes. “This is family” is complete bullshit.
Yup.
Everyone we love will die
Damn I’m learning it only now at 28 after 7 years in corporate world. It sucks.
Imagine learning it in your 40's, ha.
At every job I've left, I've been replaced within the week, and I wasn't just a warm body at most of them.
Guy at my brother’s job died in his chair at his desk. They posted his job a few days later. 100% expendable.
some people get lucky, some people get shit on by life. there is no rhyme or reason to it and nothing anyone can do about it. good things will happen to bad people, good things will happen to good people, bad things will happen to good people, bad things will happen to bad people.
Get your shit together, nobody else is going to do it for you. Find your own way through your problems, beat them, be stronger, repeat.
I learned this as a little kid. Some kids get go-karts and mini-bikes, I don't. Some kids get tree houses, I don't. Some kids get beat up by their parents, I don't. You can't control the wind, but you can trim your sails.
I like this one a lot. People often only compare themselves to people that are doing better, not those doing worse. Social media aint reality, those tired-ass people you see in the grocery checkout lane are. At the end of the day, those heroic fantasy adventures in movies and books aren't real, the closest you can get on this earth is conquering your own circumstances and bettering yourself.
Uh, counterpoint, I'm about to embark on a quest of adventure and heroic altruism. I need a band of merry men, who is with me. *Women also may apply for positions within the band of merry men, we are an equal opportunity guild.
Your mental health is more important than hitting an arbitrary series of metrics of success you've convinced yourself will actually make you happy Chasing prestige can easily become a trap if you're not careful
Correct. None of what we are conditioned to think matters, really matters.
You mean waking up every day to put on a suit and taxi to a skyscraper to ride an elevator to walk stiffly around an office checking on my minions ISN'T the end goal of life!?
Life is extremely unfair. Ultimately no-one really gives a shit and will screw you over in a heartbeat if it even slightly benefits them.
I'll be honest, the latter is a lesson I had to unlearn. There are people who truly care about you. Learning who they are and nurturing those relationships has been one of the pillars of my life.
Agreed. Having that top mindset tends to draw that closer to you. If you're a good person, who got fucked over by a bad person, and you change because of it. They won.
100%. Maybe it's just luck, but I'd like to think the way I treat others is a big part of the relationships I'm able to cultivate.
If this statements is truly a universal truth then the implication is, you don't give a shit about anyone and will screw them over in a heartbeat if it slightly benefits you. Now if you genuinely think otherwise about yourself , then the odds are in a world of eight billion people you are not singularly unique in clearing what I see as a very low threshold of basic human decency. To care somewhat and not throw someone under the bus for the bare minimum of advantage it offers you. All this is to say, sure there are all kind assholes out there but not everyone is an asshole. I personally find statements of this kind as subjective cynicism sold as some supposedly bitter truth people will discover with passage of time.
Well said
Man did I learn this the hard way
I feel your pain. I hope you heal.
Thank you so much! It’s incredible what a good woman who supports you 100% can do. I went through a rough patch in my work and personal life. My girlfriend was there to support me and help while I tried putting getting things back on track. I knew this is the one I’m gonna marry one day. Been 6 years now!
Trying to make everyone happy is going to get you nowhere. It'll probably make you just as many enemies as friends and people will use you as a doormat. I spent way too much time when I was younger trying to please everyone.
"The One" doesn't exist. The notion of romanticized, true love is immature and stupid. We are not that important, and no one is paying much attention to us. Expectations breed resentment and we have to work the rest of our lives.
Exactly. It’s called “commitment” because you will come across other viable romantic partners.
Maybe this is why my ex got over things so quickly, but it's more nuanced. I didn't believe in "the one" until her and I met. My anxiety ruined a lot of things, and I pushed her to the degree that she does hate me. Your point of "we are not that important" resonates, but only when I think of how she's moved on. I didn't cheat or lie, and I never have. We were going to purchase a home together, and the day we were going to put an offer in, I had an absolute panic attack, and the things I said quite honestly ended things. But I'm also lost why if "we are not that important" holds true, why she called me a "leech", "worm", and a "waste of life" was necessary. That did so much damage to my own self-image. Perhaps that's my own issue. But it hurt. I look at it this way: my anxiety caused deep hurt, albeit unintentionally, and she intentionally caused hurt. Sorry, fellow redditor, for this novel. Before anyone asks, I am in therapy. I am told I should forgive myself, yet it feels like she was the one, and I haven't enjoyed much of life at all since we broke up.. Edit: spelling/grammar
Mate, your actions may also have caused her anxiety, it’s very immature/non-accountable to say “my anxiety caused my actions but she chose hers”. Go get help for your issues so u don’t destroy another woman who is trying to love u. Sincerely, someone who has been there too.
I just meant in general.
I guess I should've said it's more nuanced for me. I think there's something off and wrong with the wiring of my brain.
Be nice to yourself
Case in point: it isn't that I'm misunderstood. It's that what I communicate isn't always aligned or clearly portrays my feelings. I read once, recently, in a book and this isn't word for word, but the meaning behind the message was when you put yourself through suffering for things done on an individual level, what degree of self-inflicted suffering is enough? When is the sentence of suffering satisfied?
Sometimes you don’t get closure. Try your best to make your own
I have a different spin on this one: Learning to navigate ambiguity and being okay with uncertainty is a very valuable skill on many facets of life. You can't know how something will turn out but still need to make the best decisions possible and trust that you did the best you could. I think the need for closure comes from a fear of uncertainty. Life and people usually won't give you closure, but if you don't fear uncertainty you won't need closure. It's okay to not know why things happen sometimes.
1.Stay in shape. No matter what. 2. Start saving money as soon as possible. Fuck the new car, fuck that vacation, fuck spending 200$ going out in a weekend. Save. 401k, Roth IRA, company pension…whatever. Save. 3. Choose Peace over Happiness. Every single time.
Why so much emphasis on save tho?
I started saving hard in my 20s. I’m in my 40s now. It’s great advice, gives you a lot of peace of mind as well as flexibility when shit hits the fan (car breaks, family emergency, job loss, etc etc etc)
You’ve heard about “saving for a rainy day”??? Thats because the chance of it raining is 100% and you want to be ready. Having a financial safety net helps you sleep better. Save until that happens. Then, do what you want.
Retirement will be here before you know it, and there may not be any Social Security so save for it now.
In addition to the other comments, it builds good habits. Money is extremely easy to spend.
Have the money start working for you while you are still young. Look up “compound interest” and understand it well. This makes a huge difference in your life.
If you start saving 15% of your income at age 20 and keep going till you're 65, you'll end up being able to replace 138% of that level of income in retirement. If you wait till 25 to start, you're down to 100% and if you wait till 30 to start, then you're at 71%. For everyone who isn't inheriting a shitload of money, time and compound interest are the best tools you have to making sure you can retire.
Because you'll end up like me with shit tons of debt which took me 5 years off my twenties paying it off. Honestly save, the guy is right, even if it's $5 a week. You'll appreciate it in the long run.
Because. Winter is coming. People who practice delayed gratification are statistically much more successful in life.
Saving advice is spot on. NO ONE is going to take care of you when you are older except YOU. You need money to retire.
1. Only 1st of your advices sounds adequate, IMO. 2. Sounds like you postponing your life till some "peaceful times", which may never happen, and fuck up every experience which is not focused on earning money. Life was not always about money. It's quite new in terms of humanity history to be so focused on getting richer. Also, being able to travel and explore the world has been a privilege for quite a long time, as opposed to insane cutting on every possible corner to survive in “potential” future. My parents’ happiest moments of life were ones they’ve been traveling the world together. (they are not poor & they save, but not hysterically). **Also, your finances are getting less and less valuable in time due to inflation**. Crisis may hit in any moment. Markets may crush. Your money will be gone, but experiences and real assets - won’t. Consider this. 3. So you are basically saying that if you only began a career and it doesn’t suit you so much, & you want to try something new, you should shut that desire and rot in your current place? Nah.
Hey. I think you read WAY TOO MUCH INTO MY ADVICE. Clarification 1. Stay in shape. Future you will love you for it. You got this one. 2. Don’t spend money on dumb shit. That’s it. 3. Seek those things that add to your Peace which can lead to emotional stability. Trying to be “Happy” all the time leads to frustration, anxiety and regrets. Enjoy the happy times in your life, but understand that it will come and go. This is the advice that I (56 year old me) would give 21 year old me, if I could. Hope this clears up what I meant.
A vacation isn’t dumb shit though… of course it depends but there are plenty of cases where travelling or doing something with people you care about is well worth it even if it hurts your bank account a little
I stand corrected. My follow up post is a little more accurate. Don’t spend on dumb shit. Vacations aren’t that. Thanks.
Good luck getting 21 yo me to listen.
That’s much closer to my understanding of life. Thanks
The way he explained point #2 is very subjective. Everyone enjoys different things and some people can afford certain luxuries while still saving that others can't. It's all about intentionality. It's okay to intentionally spend on what is valuable t you now, while making sure the opportunity cost isn't crazy and still have some money left over to save/invest.
I read number two more like: Ignore what society tells you about what you need to do to be happy, how much you need to spend to be happy. Don't bother keeping up with the Joneses because that is harmful illusion.
People will use you if you let them and actions are just important as words. It’s better to walk away than to wait for someone to respect you, even if that makes you “the bad guy”
Everything is temporary and replaceable. You’re loved one that is cuddle up with you - divorces happen. That best buddy you’re having a drink with and sharing jokes - may not be there in a few years. You’re job that you give 110% at and work overtime - made redundant / fired and a new person in the next day. Just enjoy the ride and do your best - life is not fair and will history will forget you instantly.
Except your children
It's on me to change the things I want to change, and accept those that I can't
That’s touch between these two 1. Stress is the root of 90% of your health issues (at least in my case. Turns out I’ve got autoimmune stuff and immune system shuts off when I’m stressed). Masters program during college was my breaking point. Once I graduated, I had the equivalent of a month long flu and took nearly a year to recover from symptoms. Still trying to shed off the weight gain from that year 2. Stand. STAND FOR FUCKS SAKE. I don’t care how much you think you’re doing it. You need to double, triple, or quadruple it. If you aren’t on your feet for at least 45mins every waking hour of the day, you aren’t standing enough. Every minute you are sitting is damaging your back and you cannot recover it. Sincerely, a guy who needed back surgery at 25
Givers need limits because takers don't have any.
Don’t marry someone that exhibits red flag after red flag hoping that one day they’ll change. Also, don’t add this person onto your business legally.
Envy is real. Especially among men not doing anything with their lives. You have to be cautious who you confide your life, dreams, and ambitions with - even among bros.
Time stops for no man and you never get a chance to start over. Time really is the most valuable thing anyone has. Waiting for the right time do things can lead you to wasting time and wondering where it all went. You need to be responsible for your own life and make yourself go after what you want.
You’re all alone and always have been.
Dont get into debt. Dont waste your time on ppl who doesnt care about you.
Nobody cares, and nobody is coming to help.
You can't really fault people for not caring. Most people have their own interest in mind. And rightfully so, it's not a bad thing to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. We're all just trying to solve our own problems. So unless someone is blatantly malicious, or criminal, try to understand why they're doing what they're doing.
Love is no guarantee for staying together.
Reaching retirement age isn't a guarantee. Worked with a guy who's whole life was dedicated to saving money for his retirement. Like I'm talking with savings, investments and assets easily 500k squirrelled away. Died at 55 without spending a penny of it.
This should be higher up. You could die before you retire. You could become chronically ill and not be able to do any of the things you were planning to do. Plan for the future, but remember to live now as well, bc you can never be sure what tomorrow will look like.
If you died today, your job would be posted before your obituary. Work hard but don't forget the things that are truly important.
Perception is reality. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, or if you show up early everyday. If no one sees you doing it. Then you didn’t do it. The people that get “seen” doing good stuff get rewarded. If you try to please everyone. You end up pleasing no one. It’s okay to say no. If you can’t affect it? Don’t worry about it. Alcohol is sneaky. You may think you don’t have a problem. Then it hits you that you’re drinking too much. Learn to cook. It’s better for your health and if you’re a single man, women love it. Try to keep the weight off as you get older.
Outside of your immediate family and insurance; no one truly cares.
And insurance only cares if you have money.
It's possible to make mistakes that can't be undone and have permanent repercussions.
Some people just plain suck 😅
Things can always get worse.
Find someone who prioritises you at least as highly as everything else that's important to them; not the highest and not lower.
No one cares, there is no support
Hope you’re ok, as I don’t agree with this. Hope you find someone who does care and supports. Stay strong
Life isn’t fair and closure isn’t guaranteed.
Hard work doesn't mean success. You need some skill, but it's mostly who you know to get your foot in the door. Timing, networking and work are needed. Being a nepo baby is incredibly helpful.
Suicides come out of nowhere and somehow they are all the same Completely out the blue Leaving you with a fuckton of questions and pain.
Coping with the loss of loved ones and learning to navigate grief and emotions.
you cant know what you havent experienced yet. Grief has no close comparisent. Grief is a mountain in a class of its own.
That no matter what, you have to be your biggest supporter. Don’t rely on anyone to do anything for you, nor have expectations for them to do anything for you. Sometimes the victory laps are the lonely runs.
You better care for yourself so at least one person does in the world.
No ones cares Though eventually you realize it’s not necessarily harsh, but empowering
When people give you advice... They aren't telling you what you need to hear. They are telling you what they need to be heard saying.
Unless you are well connected, there are no shortcuts to success. So don't look for any.
- University major is indeed important and may influence your life for a long time. - Majority of people are incompetent & unmotivated as hell. But there are few ones, usually geniuses, that definitely care about what they are doing. - If an industry / profession is relatively new, it’s much easier to get there. As soon as it becomes mainstream, job requirements will get much higher. - There exists insanely romantic and passionate love, but if you are middle class, it will always be influenced by your financial situation which may fuck up every pure feeling. - During school, be present in the moment. Study, have hobbies, have friends. These “humane” occupations will get insanely difficult to have once you have a job and adult responsibilities. - People are very different. Some might have fucked up health, some may have social anxiety. All these problems have their roots and reasons. Do not be harsh on people that may be less successful than you. - People are, again, different. Some have incredible talents and tons of energy and intellectual capabilities. They will get everything on the spot. Do not compare yourself to them. Just learn some tricks they use and repeat. Also, be close to them as they may be very useful to you. - Beauty, intellect and good mental health often come together. Ugliness, dumbness and poor physical and mental health also often come together. Because we are made of fucking genes and DNA.
just checking: should it be “the majority of people” as in 90% of everything is crap as opposed to “Majority people” being dominant race/culture in a nation, e.g. white caucasians in USA? To be fair some minority group in USA are more competent and ambitious that average American, but I attribute that to immigration strongly filtering for these positive outliers to come in as opposed to average group genetics being different.
The most amazing milestones in the world to you are life as normal to everyone else. I remember walking around with my brand new baby. To me, it was incredible. Monumental. To the world - another kid, nothing special.
Just because someone is older than you doesn’t mean they know better. Secondly you ain’t shit.
Life's not fair and I can't do shit about it
Confidence that borders on delusional can get people way farther than it should. Very competent people are often the most self-conscious and hesitant.
Toughness will help you survive a fight but money, influence, and power are more critical to success. Raising kids is the hardest job on the planet due to the emotional stress. The nice guy does not always win. If people knew the amount of crime and criminals that are out there ripping people off and killing people they would not sleep easily at night. My job has given me in-site into this. Some of these people are straight up cold blooded and will take away your life in a second.
Don't get drunk at a bar while alone. Shit can go south real fast.
Mt stepfather was murdered in cold blood. The life lesson is that evil is real and it can happen to anyone.
1. No one is coming to save you. 2. You are your best mentor.
Staying in shape is much easier than getting back into shape.
There is literally zero reason to believe in an afterlife. Live now.
If you want something go take it. Nobody is going to do it for you.
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Never help an ungrateful person you care for.
Just 19 but you need to learn how to play with the cards that you have been dealt with
No one knows what they are doing. We all suffer through imposter syndrome. Just do your best, but don't apply yourself too much. Jobs don't care about the hard work you do.
How you feel about other people doesn’t change them. You can love, trust, worship, or hate someone with all your might and it doesn’t matter or affect them in the slightest unless you take real tangible action as a consequence. And even then, you have no control over *how* it affects them. The only thing you control is your own inner world.
Someone always has it worse than you do, but that doesn't invalidate your trials and tribulations. I still haven't managed to fully internalize that one.
You cannot prevent trauma, tragedy or betrayal by "doing good", by "being kind", or by "giving someone enough". So stop making yourself invisible or avoiding asking for what you want or what you need because you're afraid it'll scare your partner or friend away. If it scares them away, they weren't the right partner or friend to begin with. Doesn't mean they have to give you what you want or need. Just means if they drop you over having and expressing a need they weren't right for you to begin with.
That most of the people you meet through life you will maybe never see again. Friends come and go as life takes each of us on different paths. I understand it and i accept it, but i dont have to like it.
There is a thin line between owning stuff and stuff owning you. Be happy with less.
No matter how hard you work, no matter how much $ you make, no matter how hard you try, no one gives a shit about you. Unless you are giving them all the fruits of your labor & efforts. An even then they only care for that moment in time.
If in any situation in life you feel like you're flying too close to the sun, you probably are and its best to change, move on or ask for help sooner than later.
No matter how much you think you know someone, You know nothing of them.
Never EVER gamble and trust a fart in public or on a date!
Results matter, not effort.
Probably that the things you fear or dread are going to be things you must face.
A lot of people who say or pretend they care about you dont. Or at the very least not as much as they say or pretend. Don't rely on people til they prove they can be relied on.
That words REALLY don’t meet actions all the time and you will lose yourself in someone’s words and promises but it the day to day actions do not match the. You either need to address it or leave because you will lose yourself in someone’s words so easily
Don't take anything for granted because your life can change in a moment. You can prepare for adversity, but a lot of terrible things can happen to you that there was truly no way to expect, or foresee them coming. 61(M)
If something doesn't affect you or hurt anyone, don't worry about it.
- The secret to good mental health is not care how bad you feel and just carry on and be your best alongside it - As a man, nobody is coming to save you. No one cares, it’s all on you. - Everything and everyone is temporary
No one is coming to save you.
Your job would let you die in a heartbeat if it meant they could save a penny.
No one cares, work harder.
My family is not in the “helping me business”! My mother is “not my friend”!
You aren't as smart as you think you are.
Nobody is going to come save you. Not the government, not that person who professes how much they love you, not your parents, nobody. Therefore, you’re better off finding your own solutions
You really are by yourself in this world, everyone can come and go at a moment’s notice
You can do everything right and still fail.
Your family can betray you, your parents have a favorite child, as a man trust no one.
A lot of my current problems are the results of my own poor choices in the past that have come back to bite me in the ass. And it's only up to me to fix them.
I've never seen a hearse pulling a u-haul.
Friends are acquaintances and will disappear. Spouses change their minds and leave. Family is with you forever, for good or bad. Rely on only yourself because everyone lets you down at some point.
No one is coming to save us.
You are what you provide and life is a continuous performance
99% of your problems are your fault
Not sure about the problems being your fault. But they are problems you have to deal with.
That shitty people exist and they will affect your life in some way at least once, no matter how careful you are. The other side of that coin is the *best* life lesson I've learnt: that genuinely good people exist and they will affect your life in some way at least once also.
You are as expendable to society as it's possible for a sentient creature to be. At that young age, most men haven't started a family of their own. Don't own huge assets. Haven't build up a legacy. You are basically meat on the chopping block.
You will always get injured, get sick, or have car issues at the worst times, prepare for them.
That I do not matter
Get used to working.
don’t go 50/50 with a hoe
Physical activity, healthy food, and maintaining overall good health are more important than this urgent project right now. You'll forget the project but you won't forget a heart attack.
Grieving loved ones when they die
Hardest lesson? We are all truly alone in this world. No matter how many friends and family you have, we still have to deal with a certain level of loneliness. Just my two cents...
You have to make your own breaks in this world. You can’t depend on anyone else to care enough or know how. The first step is believing you deserve it. The next is deciding what you want. The third is getting after it and making it happen.
Not everyone cares
Hydrate, I’m about to be 30 and it’s wild how my peers haven’t learned how to party/drink responsibly. Seriously get into the habit of drinking water You can’t control how other people act, you can only control how you react. Give people enough time and they’ll show you who they are. Sucks to see decade long friendships end over some bullshit but people are gonna view you and treat you different than you treat them and there’s nothing you can do about it Take care of your teeth. Brush and floss! I had to have a tooth removed during Covid cause of poor dental hygiene and it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Work at a place where you actually like being there or don’t dislike it to the point it’s soul crushing. Makes a world of difference
For me personally, I’m not as self aware as I thought. I’ve gone through dark periods of my life and didn’t realize I was depressed or anything was even remotely wrong with my lifestyle until I broke down into a sobbing mess while just trying to do house chores. Even then I had to move back to my hometown and completely change my daily habits before I realized what a mess I once was, which in itself came with some lessons about myself.
I don’t know if it’s the harshest, but one thing I realised is that most people are primarily self centred at the end of the day, dumb as sh*t, have a lot of stupid ideology, and are quite resistant to changing. As someone who has never been those things, I’ve also never understood that stupid headspace.