Just a heads-up that in my relationship, I was on the other end of a story like that. I wouldn’t ever bring up your side of the story to her, ever. It has a way of unraveling a story, and stories are important to us.
I agree, especially a story so foundational to our relationship. The only time I’ve ever been tempted to come clean was during an argument and I’m so glad I didn’t. The thought of weaponizing a truth like that is terrifying and one I’d never be able to take back, like holding a detonator and putting the cap back on
Yeah, before I realized what I’d done, she picked up and I rolled with it.
That was almost 20 years ago, we’re married and have 3 kids now pretty cool the way it worked out.
She brings it up every once in a while, telling friends “ if he didn’t call me that one thanksgiving we’d never be together today!” I don’t think I’ll ever come clean and oddly enough this is the only time I’ve ever mentioned it to anyone, been all mine this entire time!
Nope, same first letter of the name. I had over scrolled and hit send before double checking.
She deleted me from her contacts and only answered because she didn’t recognize the number!
If I were to be absolutely honest, it would be the depth of my depression. My wife is great, but I don't think she can handle this.
She doens't know that I spent months late last year and into this one crying every single day. I would find a few minutes to myself in the shower, in the bathroom, or just a few moments at work and I'd just tihnk about how hopeless things were and how unhappy I was.
I keep fighting the depression and most days are better than bad, but the bad days are soul crushing. I keep putting up a happy face because of our kids, but I'm afraid that this is going to crash me someday.
If you're holding on to your last thread for the sake of the kids, then get some therapy for the sake of the kids.
I went to school with a girl who's father killed himself after everyone else was away for the day. Family didn't know he was depressed at all, and his body was found in the woods behind the house after they were looking for him for hours. No child should see that.
If you're holding on for them, get help while you can still justify it to yourself in your current state of mind. It leaves some nasty aftermath.
Well, having been in the mental *hell* that you are currently in, having made the *excuses*, and having clawed my way out of that nightmare and into relative normality, let me be blunt and give you your *reason*. Depression will *keep* you making those excuses until you finally have the mental self-acceptance of "I am not getting better by doing this alone, and I *need* to get myself some professional help.". Let me be perfectly clear, I am *not* intending to be an asshole for kicks here. I just know that the tangled field of razor wire that is the depressive brain has only one effective path through. Unfortunately, being hit with the verbal equivalent of a brick wall tends to help better than all the coddling that normal people give people like us:
Think of this-
If your kids find what's left of you before someone else does, they'll be the ones needing therapy.
If your wife finds what's left of you, she may follow suit in a moment of intense grief and leave your kids as orphans.
If neither the kids or wife see your remains, they still grow up without their father, and they'll all be needing therapy between their mother being a wreck and all of them wondering if they were part of the reason why you did it. Thier mother won't exactly be in a good mental state to explain anything.
If your kids grow up and then their father suddenly offs himself once they're taking care of themselves and are out of the house, they're going to need therapy anyway. They won't understand why it just suddenly happened. Neither will your wife, who will probably be hit the hardest.
If your depressive condition is a genetic one, a parental suicide would almost definitely trigger it in your kids if they have it too.
Look, I don't like doing it, but not many people will flat-out say this kind of stuff. They'll just tell you the same boring repetitive crap such as "It won't stop the problem", "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem", You'll be leaving people behind that miss you and don't understand why", etc.. When someone is a bit more morbidly detailed, your logical brain tends to temporarily overrule the part that is drowning in misery for long enough that you actually go get the help you've known that you've needed for years. Realize that what you actually want is not death, but for the misery in your head to stop. That realization helped me immensely.
Good luck. It sucks to go through it, but it is worth it in the end.
And to the people (especially those who have never had major depression) that think I'm a callous asshole for saying all this, go ahead with the downvotes.
It may sound weird, but I love you for this. Seriously.
I will do what I can to make appointments tomorrow (and only tomorrow because it's late on a sunday night and I can't do anything right now).
It's not weird at all. I completely understand the sentiment.
In a depressive state, we usually need someone to bitch-slap us with reality before the gears click into place. Sadly, with some people, reality does the job for them in the split second between the attempt to end it, and the attempt succeeding or failing. A good example: there's a guy that jumped off the Golden Gate bridge and survived. One second after jumping is when it clicked for him, apparently. He tells his story for the masses now. The name escapes me. I had to realize it myself, so I do for others what I wish had been done for me. I was kicking myself for all the time that I had wasted wallowing in the hell in my head when it finally clicked. Thankfully I didn't learn my lesson from an attempt, but from treatment.
Just make sure you get to the Doctor. Yes, they'll probably be booked solid at first. Don't let it get you even more down. It's a process, just make sure you go. It's *worth* the wait. You may not mesh well with every Doctor, so find one that suits you. It definitely speeds up the process. Be insightful and look into *why* you have this problem. Meds can only do so much- they're a crutch to lean on while working on general treatment and good coping mechanisms. Your family should be aware of and supportive of your treatment. Hiding treatment is just going to look like hiding something else, so just don't set yourself up for some stupid crap like "and where exactly are you going every week on friday?". Just be honest about it. If you're put on medication, make them aware of any potential side effects. Mood swings when starting on new medication isn't completely uncommon. Your workplace doesn't need to know unless it affects your performance, and even then it should be on a need-to-know basis.
Just be aware, just in case it *ever* comes down to the wire, and you decide to go to the psychiatric/behavioral health ward as an inpatient, make sure to take care of yourself *now*.
First, make sure that your insurance will cover the visit to the ward. The last thing you need while in a depressive mindset is to get out of the hospital and find a major bill in the mail. Some insurance policies only cover a certain amount of time. It's stupid to even have to think about, but cover your ass in case you hit that point and you need it.
Second, you'll be missing work, so that's either medical leave or your PTO. They don't need to know the exact reason why you're going. You're going to a hospital for treatment, they don't need to know shit unless it's a legal requirement. Besides, you know how people treat people seeking mental health help. You don't need that crap.
Third, *sign yourself in* to the ward. It looks way better than someone else like a Police Officer signing you in, and if you're in the US, someone else signing you in throws a fair few of your rights into the shredder in the name of safety. Depending on your state, that can be very hard to undo. This is also why you don't go telling people that have no good reason to know that you're signing yourself in. Some intended do-gooder might do it for you. General policy is nobody needs to know except your family- and maybe your boss once you're signed in.
Lastly, focus on your treatment. Some people go in and out of that place like it has a revolving door purely because they *don't* focus on their treatment. This goes for outpatient treatment as well.
You have a legitimately good reason to keep chugging forward. Your kids and your wife. You've gone this long while diving deeper into the Hell in your head. You can go even longer as it gets easier while you claw your way out. Yes, you'll slip back at times. Winter sucks for that. Just find something that helps. Mine is lifting weights. Cutting the premade crap and fast food out of my diet and switching to home cooking also seemed to help me tremendously.
Besides, who else can best help your kids work on their issues if they start presenting symptoms of depression? The best help comes from people who have been into that pit and climbed out. A lot of mental health Doctors have personal experience in the matter- it's usually why they took up the profession.
Good luck, and safe travels. You can make it through.
Sometimes I watch shows we're watching together without her because she is super extroverted and wants to talk to me during. It usually starts as us discussing plot details and always ends up evolving into her trying to give an entire ted talk. I enjoy having short exchanges of thoughts about the plot but I prefer to watch and enjoy the story and then discuss it aftet. We've talked about it and she understands how I feel but inevitably ends up doing it again. She would be upset if she found out but it allows both of us to enjoy the show the way we both want to.
Mine doesnt even make it halfway. She spend half an hour deciding what she wants to watch and then falls asleep on me ten minutes in so im stuck unable to move, watching whatever she put on.
The way to kill this habit: keep the remote close, and when your partner starts talking, hit pause. For some reason, movie talking types hate this. It’s like they must talk WHILE the movie is rolling or it doesn’t count. Eventually they catch on and talk less. My experience anyways.
I do this, and on occasion when the remote isn't close I insist on rewinding and rewatching scenes they talked over. He's learned to pause it himself now if he needs to say something that takes longer than 5 seconds
My husband is like this, I pause because I want to listen to him and not miss the movie, and he gets mad about it! He's like "would you stop pausing it? Omg" and I'm like, I'm not pressing play just so you can talk over it? And then the next time he talks over the movie it's because he's asking questions about the plot that neither of us can answer because he talked over the plot point actually happening.
I am a during-the-movie talker and my husband does this and it has helped me become way more aware! I don’t talk over the movie to be annoying, but a thought pops up and I want to share it and then all of the words flood out. You can /feel/ how long you’ve been talking when it’s just silent during that pause.
Mine has an annoying habit of asking me detailed plot and character questions on a show we both just started watching together. Like “who’s that guy, why are they all mad at him? Are they married? What happened to that family?”
Like…woman I don’t know, the series started 46 seconds ago! If you stop talking I can pay attention and find out!
As someone who can't remember faces, or often miss subtle (and not so subtle) clues, I am guilty of asking those sorts of questions. Often it's just "Is that girl the same one from 3 minutes ago?" because they both have blonde hair, or "Are they married?" because I can't remember them clearly showing them married in the opening credits.
Almost always my spouse has an answer, because she can actually follow things better than me.
It's definitely an annoying disruption. But way better than watching a whole show or movie, and not liking or understanding it because I had all these questions hanging. It's often the difference between whether we pick up a TV series to watch together or not.
Worst is when she asks during the scene where they are doing the little bit of exposition that would answer her question if she had just kept quiet and paid attention.
I do too but it's because my fiance yells at every fight scene like "get him, ohhh" and has to tell me the name of every gun or won't stop complaining about one character.
My roommate was like this with the new Top Gun movie… She tends to talk a lot, but not during movies. She kept going on and on for weeks about how great Maverick was, and kept wanting me to watch it with her, so eventually I did… She spent the whole movie talking about all the different planes, what they were called, which ones were better for this and that… All I could think was, “I’ve known you for fifteen years, how is this the first time you’ve ever dropped all this airplane knowledge on me?”
Dawg dip tomorrow. Seriously that isn’t sustainable you really just have to ask yourself “is this worth doing for a couple monthes and losing it or should I rip off the bandaid now”
sometimes i watch shows alone because i want to enjoy things without each scene or line having a 75% chance of being followed by sarcasm or a joke. i love her humor but sometimes it will detract from things i find sentimental or sad (i want to feel things too!)
She likes to poke fun at me for taking so long for us to start officially dating after being friends, then more than friends for a while. I just smile and nod and go with it but she was suicidal for a lot of our early time together and I was all she really had. There were lots of 2am drives to her house to talk her down. Knowing that she might die if I ended things was a massive weight on me and it took more than a year for me to be confident that I made the choice to get serious with her because I love her and not because I didn't want her to die. I see no reason why she needs to know this because she would 100% doubt that I truly love her.
Just wanted to let you know that you are a good person. Thank you for being there for someone when you didn’t have to be, I know it’s hard to deal with and while no one is ever under any obligation to be a therapy stand-in for someone struggling with severe mental health problems, you are an amazing person for having the strength to do so. I hope you two have many years of happiness ahead of you
Sometimes I go to the movies with out my wife because I’m a huge movie buff and fan of the theater experience. and she can’t stand still for the movie long enough to pay attention. I get the big popcorn tub and soda with ice cream to top it off.
Edit: this is by the most upvotes I’ve had so much mahalos for everyone who has upvoted this post. I love my wife very much. aloha.
Selfcare is really important for a happy relationship. If I found out my husband would go to the cinema without me I wouldn’t mind. Good for you for treating yourself.
You’re awesome but she’s sensitive when it comes toy he movies because she knows how invested i am into them and she feels like she keeps me from that so I do what I can to avoid making her feel like that
My wife looked in one of the side pockets of my lunchbox and said “LOOK WHAT I FOUND!?” I thought she found the $1500 in cash I had stashed there. Nope. It was the fruit snacks. Such a good hiding place now ruined.
I fucking love hi chew but them being individually wrapped adds to the guilt. Oh, I mindlessly ate 10 pieces of candy? Now it looks like a rat lives in my lunchbox
I had to go look for this! Link for others:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/y5eb1l/men_of_reddit_what_is_one_thing_that_you_keep/isk1u3m?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Yeah I got out of a relationship like that a couple months ago and this comment hit home. She was really selfish, she clearly didn’t love me enough, but now I’m actually doing pretty good, it surely feels good to talk to a woman about something I care about and they at least pretend to care lol. Hope OP can make it work if that’s what he wants, I tried, she was even the one to break up with me, and even though I miss her, I don’t feel sad most of the time.
I think her Dad wants to die but his strong Catholic faith won't let him.
And frankly I would help him. He's miserable and he makes everyone else miserable. He's on the fast track to palliative care. He's had a very full life and I only got to see the very end of it, when he'd already lost control of half his brain and most of his body. He doesn't deserve to fade like this. If I'm right - and I'm damn sure I am - he's the poster child for euthanasia.
I'd never tell her this.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ll never understand how euthanizing pets when they’re terminal is considered compassionate, but a human has to suffer. People should be able to choose to end their own suffering.
My dad died from brain cancer. We watched him go from an incredibly healthy 72 year old to a 100 pound skeleton too weak to move or speak. It was an awful end to an otherwise wonderful life. He deserved so much better.
I like these threads because on one side it's, "teehee I leave a flower by the door every time I'm gone for the day and she doesn't know it's me." And on the other it's "I'm the one who murdered your mother because she was an old fucking hag and I swear to god if you become her I'll fucking kill you too."
Me and the kids have a more pleasant weekend when she goes away. It’s like a blanket of calm envelopes us and we have a great time. She knows it but she doesn’t KNOW It. We miss her and all but when she comes home it’s like the kids start to argue with each other and the baby cries a little bit more. I get a little bit annoyed. I hide it though but you know. We had a lovely weekend and it’s over.
Edit: Just to be clear, I am a dad that is home 4 o clock every single workday and I am involved with
my kids. I cook all our meals and are as big of a presence in our house as she is. I also sleep with the baby every night cause that is what works best for us. So the kids are most likely not very insecure with me.
And sometimes the mother (or the father) is just a problem.
Girl I dated for a while had two kids, they were about 5-7 when we were together. When they came back from their father's, they were happy and well-behaved. The longer they were around their mother, the worse they got. One would get malicious, the other would retreat and get clingy. Her default response when they were misbehaving or emotional was to send them to their room. By the time I left, one was in first grade and the other in kindergarten. They were both showing signs of pretty serious emotional damage. The father only had them for about a day and a half every other weekend or so.
I was the kid in this scenario. Whenever my mom went away my brothers and I along with my dad would breath a sigh of relief. It was like a vacation for us. In my experience I think a big part of that was the fact that my dad was so level headed and calm. The antithesis of my mother. The security/insecurity thing makes sense because she always seemed to be frazzled and/or anxious
When I lived with my dad and stepmom in college my little brother was the same way. She swore he was a picky eater and would make him microwave chicken nuggets because he would pout about 3/4ths of the food they made. But at one point he was playing basketball for the school and they were both working evenings so I would have to pick him up after practice. One night dinner is going to be chili, which she insists he hates, and he would throw a full on tantrum if it was so much as offered to him. I get him from practice and get home, and ask him if he wants anything.
Him: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Cool bud. Well, we are having chili and your mom is going to the store on her way home. So I can get you a bowl of chili or you can wait on her, but I don't know when she gets off."
The boy ate a bowl and a half of chili with zero complaints.
So where we live, you can write your name and number on milk cartons and throw it with rest of the paper trash for recycling. You win money if your carton gets pulled.
My wife is really into it at make sure to write her name and number on every one. And if I'm the one to throw one, I write her name and number for her, and she is thankful for it.
Now, I don't recall what she did, but it had me really annoyed at her. I had finished a carton of milk and cleaned it out and folded it for disposal. This is probably the most petty thing I've ever done in our relationship; as a way to get back at her, I wrote my name and my number instead of hers.
I'm taking it to the grave.
Edit: Wow, thank you for the gift!
Edit 2: And thank you all for the awards. I didn't expect my silly little story of my pettiness to be my most upvoted and awarded reddit interaction!
Ice? Check. Moose? Check. Funny accents? Check. A mining/petrostate that violently suppressed indigenous peoples into the late 1900s? Check. That reputation whitewashed by generous social programs? Check and check.
This is my exact type of petty shit.
I was pissed off for some reason and had to do laundry. Instead of just dumping out entire bag, I literally picked through and only washed my stuff.
Another time was mindlessly folding laundry while annoyed and realized I'd folded all his stuff too. So I unfolded all his stuff and pushed it off to the side.
She was the first person I ever slept with. Potentially wouldn't end the relationship on its own but it would bring up a lot of other awkward questions about other things I lied about when we first got together.
I exaggerated a ton on how many women I’d been with before my current girlfriend. I felt too guilty and told her after a few months and she just laughed and thought that it was cute and it didn’t cause any problems. Feels way better to be honest.
Thats because it is. She thinks she settled for me, for the kids, and that I got lucky in having her as my wife. The truth of the matter is that I never wanted to get married, and were it not for the fact that I wanted, and truly love, to be in my children's lives, we wouldn't have gotten married.
Honestly, I'm such a jealous guy. I am working on it with my therapist, but I'm jealous to the point where when she's at work my brain tells me that she's actually out doing something with someone. Luckily my therapist has taught me how to deal with those thoughts though.
Sorry to hear that, it must be exhausting. I always try to find a balance between am I being paranoid or cynical and it's not always an easy line to draw. Just remember generally it's unlikely anyone would ever hate you enough to be so cruel. It's a good rule of thumb. People are selfish and lazy, not actively cruel.
If you're aware of that and don't put the weight of your jealousy on her then you're already doing pretty good.
My last relationship ended because he was unable to see that the problem was not my work or my coworkers or my friends or ME but actually his jealousy and insecurity. It is exhausting dealing with that.
Congratulations for the self awareness, seeking help and getting better! Your SO is a lucky woman.
Nothing. I just want my gf to think I'm adding something to the thread. I told her the question and now she's trying not to be bothered but I can tell she's curious.
Edit: spelling.
Edit2: wow. Did not expect this blowing up but I can't thank you all enough. You made her way more curious about it.
We were running errands and I had no idea it was blowing up. I keep my phone on my vent and she noticed some reddit notifications popping up frequently and started getting curious. She didnt take me seriously til she noticed those.
Then I opened it and looked at her " it has over 1000 upvotes..."
So I had to show her and she just said I'm dumb and that's kinda sweet too.
I thought it was hilarious tbh.
How much money I spent restoring my 69 Camaro. She knows it was a lot, but has no idea how much. To be fair, majority of it was paid for with cash I had before we were married, but it’s a lot.
My buddy is like 80k into his classic car rebuild and it just got painted. Still needs an entire interior among many other things. And that’s doing 90% of the work himself. I think he told me just the refinish and paint was 40k.
My friend's wife and my wife were talking about his motorcycles. He has a couple of race bikes. His wife said "He must have spent AT LEAST $1000 on those bikes!"
... That might cover a set of tires for them.
I thought about reading some of these comments to my wife. Then I realized it would be a trap and she would ask “well what’s your secret”. I choose life
Grocery store - sometimes I will intentionally forget an item that we need the next day . Like bananas.
The only reason, I like to go for drives after dark by myself. Listen to old school Eminem. Walk around an empty grocery store.
It's my secret me time. She doesn't know how to have a me time. She just wants to always be with the kids and I. I respect that and love her for it.
She has certain food allergies. Sometimes I'll run out to the store to get something to use while making dinner. I'll drive thru somewhere she can't eat and I'll eat whatever it is on my way home.
She visits her family across the country twice a year for a full week.
I book that same time off work and don't tell her. I just spend the time getting drunk and high and play video games.
It's literally the only time I can relax
Whenever people say they have unlimited pto, I make a point out of asking how much *they* took last year.
I've never heard anyone irl say more than 3 weeks, though there are always some mythical "other people" who take "three months off" every year.
That I will say I’m going to be a few minutes late from my job, but In reality, I want to go get fast food but not spend $40 getting it for the family. I eat it all before I get home and then dispose of the evidence.
Holy hell. My husband used to give his homemade lunches away and go buy lunch. His brother ratted him out by bringing me back the Tupperware and saying thank you for all the lunches.
Few years ago I showed the Mrs [this video ](https://youtu.be/3XjUFYxSxDk) and after that whenever she asks me that question I just say "nothing I was in my nothing box".
To be fair chances are I was in my nothing box.
If you have this gut feeling, you're probably right. Same thing happened to me with my first real girlfriend. I knew it the whole time, and always thought about leaving in the back of my mind, but didnt. Then I just got hurt when the inevitable happened, sounds like that's what you're waiting for. Don't stay in a relationship if it's not working for YOU
If I see a spider in the bedroom, and she doesn’t see it, I didn’t see a spider.
I’m not afraid of them, in fact, they don’t bother me at all. To me they’re like bro-bugs.
“Hey pal, ima just eat some other bugs, don’t get up!”
So I don’t get up.
She is terrified of spiders. She’d leave me if she found out I chill with my 8 legged friends when she’s sleeping.
Every time we’re having dinner and they get up to go to the bathroom, I steal a bite of food off their plate. Pretty much every time. And they know my username so.. babe if you ever see this, please forgive me. I love you so much.
I won the lottery 5 years ago and took the monthly sum which auto drafts into a separate account. Whenever we need to make big purchases, I tell her I’m just taking out a loan.
I’m afraid if I tell her how much I won, it will destroy our marriage and I fear for the safety of our children if her family finds out I’m wealthy.
That she is partly to blame why I have lost interest in my hobbies. I used to have hobbies that I enjoyed doing. Then came why are you spending money on that stuff. While at the same time telling me to go do them. Can't have the both worlds
When she's out of town, I let our Bernese Mountain Dog jump on her side of the bed and we eat popcorn together while watching old 80's classic like Turner and Hooch.
He's not supposed to be on the bed, I'm not supposed to eat in bed. We are rebels.
Hm.
We knew each other for a long time but never had deeper contact.
When we started dating it was a bit out of the blue (she was randomly asking if I would like to have a drink with her which never happened before) and things developed really really fast. But I guess neither of us wanted that.
I was basically still missing my ex, she was fleeing from her parents home and some bad decisions she mad.
Also had I known all the things that were actually going on in her life I would've never agreed to meet her.
And iam pretty sure that at the beginning, I was just the "next best person" to help her out and that this was reason enough for her to basically act like she is in love and have sex with me. Which weirds me out to this day in some extent.
I guess it's not really a big secret, It's just something neither of us really wants to talk about because it would just hurt both of us so bad. She knows I know all this and she knows that I never initially wanted a relationship which is part of the reason she did basically anything in her power to convince me otherwise since I was the last straw she had (with all the abusive assholes she met before me she kinda remembered how I always just treated her nicely).
Furthermore, although that this all sounds pretty dark and messed up it worked out for us and we are both happy with each other. There is no need to clarify each others intentions for the relationshipstart. It's long ago and the problems both of us had back then no longer exists and we both fell in love with each other over time anyway.
PTSD, the demons and nightmares from being in the army.
I've learned to hide them well and to fake that I'm ok, I learned the hard way that being that vulnerable with somebody who claims to love me but actually used those things against me is something I'll never do again.
I'm so sorry you've experienced something so horrible, as if being in the army and going through that wasn't bad enough.
My partner told me about his PTSD while drafted and I can't imagine using that against anyone... I hope whoever you're with will respect and love you.
That's rough man. Keeping that shit to yourself will fuck you up. Taken me years to open up to anyone, decades. But you gotta tell someone. A stranger, a pro, a VA group. Never made sense to me how just telling someone what's in your head helps but it does. Gotta let that shit out man
For real. I will happily DM with any vet who wants to vent. Not in a romantic way bc I’m happily married but I am crushed at the way we treat our vets so any of you want to chat, hit me up. I’m so bummed that the support system for you sucks so hard.
Just had a woman in an AA meeting the other night share about how her ex husband, who was special ops, had just shot himself, after years of silently suffering. We talked a bit afterward about the total lack of a support network he had, even from his fellow Marines. I hope you have some people in your life that you can talk to, brother, even if it isn’t your wife.
One of my best friends was in the Navy and served one tour and he has PTSD. He has told me (civilian) and his wife (seperately) a few stories and that has helped him a lot. He is better mentally but he still suffers. thats one of the reasons why we are close friends cause I bring him peace whenever we hangout. He has tried to kill himself before but failed but thats before I knew him. He will once in a while see a counselor. I would never do that to him, he is the one friend I know I can count on.
My net worth. Relationships can be risky when you’re trying to protect a large amount of money. I drive a Tacoma and live in a little two bedroom home and don’t spend much because I don’t really want much. I like to work and I like a simple life. I want to find a woman who feels the same way. Telling someone you’re dating that you have the means to change their lives changes how they see you, you’re not a prospective partner anymore, you’re a meal ticket. I realized this after my college girlfriend and I broke up after way too long unhappy together. She finally admitted that she didn’t want to leave because I could give her a life she could never afford herself. Ever since then I keep it hidden, I want it to be a great surprise to my future wife, not a carrot on a stick.
I don’t necessarily feel like your hiding anything, this would be different if it was some type of Prince and the pauper scenario in which your temporarily concealing your wealth and more importantly character to prove some form of “worthiness” and then you turn back into Arthur Bach. You live a sensible life and Id imagine that won’t change regardless of who you meet so whenever you do meet that person it will be the equivalent of someone saying “I have retirement sorted” and it won’t effect the journey to that point. I agree with you though, characters the most important currency and a lot of people even outside of romantic relationships can create a facade and so it’s good to be able to avoid this and live a normal life and have people take you as they meet you
I was waiting for her to graduate, start working, and make enough to be on her own to see if she would get better or worse as a partner…there were nights I did NOT want to go home after work myself, and she seemed to think I should love to rush home to be berated to do things like clean up the dishes…after HER.
Well, she makes enough, 5 1/2 months ago I said yes, let’s split…2023 is going to be a really good year for me ladies and gentlemen. 2022 should’ve been better but long Covid and shit. It’s certainly ending better.
Sounds cliché but... nothing. We all have out little fibs and lies of omission. But never, ever keep secrets that could have lasting consequences. If she would be legitimately upset to find out about it, to the point where it could actually harm your relationship, then you shouldn't be keeping it from her. If you screwed up... the lie might actually be worse than the offense. And honesty goes along way if you are asking for forgiveness. My wife told me something early on in our relationship that I've never forgotten. "There are very few mistakes I think can't be forgiven, but don't ever let me catch you lying." For her, mistakes are often just that... accidents or poor decisions made in the moment. Lies are intentional and disrespectful.
That I hate how dismissive she has been about my mental health. TBH, I think I’m on antidepressants because of her, she refused to admit it’s even a thing in the real world, let alone I have an actual problem but it’s all for the kids, so I keep on pretending I still love her.
My parents stayed together "for the kids". Now I realize they never felt true love in a relationship before, and it's sad. Nobody should dismiss your mental health. Glad you're trying to get help despite her. Leaving her may be the best thing for you
That a few months back she got really drunk, told me I was worthless, and that the worst mistake she made was getting back together with me 10 years ago. Then she told me I wasn't a real man, goaded me into having sex with her, then told me I'd raped her. She just kept asking how it felt to be a rapist, and that she cried herself to sleep every night because she can't stand being with me. The day to day stuff between us is nothing like this either, so it was completely out of left field for me.
This is what happens when you stay because of your kids. Work your ass off, have no money to spend, constantly get told off, and in the end everyone just assumes you're the problem if she isn't happy. I probably won't do anything about it, because I generally suck at standing up for myself and I feel I'm just in too deep at this point (pretty much resigned to just dying young... if I'm lucky), I'm only posting in the hopes that someone reads this and chooses to break the cycle in their own lives.
You don’t deserve this day to day feeling. Do yourself and the kids the favor and let yourself be free of it. In the end, staying just for the kids does more damage than good. Imagine who you could be if she wasn’t constantly berating you, making you feel like shit. You deserve a happy life. You deserve self worth. You deserve love. Fucking let yourself have all of that. Let your kids see you at your best. She does not get the right to hold you back from that.
Dude, leave that mess.
Edit. Looked at your post history. You’re too young for this shit. Bail now before you knock her up. I was in a similar situation years ago. It will not get better.
Her heavy anxiety is draining me and pushing me away. It's so frequent now I can't always be the support she needs, and then I'm the bad guy for being distant for the 2ndpanic attack that day, after six years of it. compassion fatigue is real.
I started smoking pot on my day off(legal where I am) whole day alone no responsibilities what so ever. I started at the beginning of 2020 as a way to cope with the massive amount of pressure, stress and risk I was under (my job is essential for society to function, and has high risk)
Every weekend that I am alone I take it as me time.
I have never told her, she doesn't know, I use a vape so there is no smell and it's easy to hide.
I don't know what she would do if she found out, but I do know she is not pro pot.
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I'm curious bout her own views on her mother
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Wait, you told your mother in law she was a daughter of a bitch.... So granny is a bitch too? dayum!!!
The reason we are together today is because I called to reconnect a couple years after we broke up….I thought I was calling someone else
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Just a heads-up that in my relationship, I was on the other end of a story like that. I wouldn’t ever bring up your side of the story to her, ever. It has a way of unraveling a story, and stories are important to us.
I agree, especially a story so foundational to our relationship. The only time I’ve ever been tempted to come clean was during an argument and I’m so glad I didn’t. The thought of weaponizing a truth like that is terrifying and one I’d never be able to take back, like holding a detonator and putting the cap back on
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U thought u were calling someone else but u called ur ex?
Yeah, before I realized what I’d done, she picked up and I rolled with it. That was almost 20 years ago, we’re married and have 3 kids now pretty cool the way it worked out. She brings it up every once in a while, telling friends “ if he didn’t call me that one thanksgiving we’d never be together today!” I don’t think I’ll ever come clean and oddly enough this is the only time I’ve ever mentioned it to anyone, been all mine this entire time!
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Ahh yes. "John Wick 5"
The Irishman
Yep, I’m thinking that’s something best kept to yourself!
Unless you have a death wish, take that to the grave
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Nope, same first letter of the name. I had over scrolled and hit send before double checking. She deleted me from her contacts and only answered because she didn’t recognize the number!
Did she break it or you break it off originally?
She broke up with me..we were in college and I was being a dumb ass
A tale as old as time
Our extremely high maintenance child has crippled our relationship. I really think we are both thinking this but don’t say it.
An extremely high maintenance child will probably have a significant impact on everything in your life, and the relationship is one of those things
If I were to be absolutely honest, it would be the depth of my depression. My wife is great, but I don't think she can handle this. She doens't know that I spent months late last year and into this one crying every single day. I would find a few minutes to myself in the shower, in the bathroom, or just a few moments at work and I'd just tihnk about how hopeless things were and how unhappy I was. I keep fighting the depression and most days are better than bad, but the bad days are soul crushing. I keep putting up a happy face because of our kids, but I'm afraid that this is going to crash me someday.
If you're holding on to your last thread for the sake of the kids, then get some therapy for the sake of the kids. I went to school with a girl who's father killed himself after everyone else was away for the day. Family didn't know he was depressed at all, and his body was found in the woods behind the house after they were looking for him for hours. No child should see that. If you're holding on for them, get help while you can still justify it to yourself in your current state of mind. It leaves some nasty aftermath.
Thank you. Making the call to get into therapy has been a todo for months. I keep finding excuses to not do it. I don't know why.
Well, having been in the mental *hell* that you are currently in, having made the *excuses*, and having clawed my way out of that nightmare and into relative normality, let me be blunt and give you your *reason*. Depression will *keep* you making those excuses until you finally have the mental self-acceptance of "I am not getting better by doing this alone, and I *need* to get myself some professional help.". Let me be perfectly clear, I am *not* intending to be an asshole for kicks here. I just know that the tangled field of razor wire that is the depressive brain has only one effective path through. Unfortunately, being hit with the verbal equivalent of a brick wall tends to help better than all the coddling that normal people give people like us: Think of this- If your kids find what's left of you before someone else does, they'll be the ones needing therapy. If your wife finds what's left of you, she may follow suit in a moment of intense grief and leave your kids as orphans. If neither the kids or wife see your remains, they still grow up without their father, and they'll all be needing therapy between their mother being a wreck and all of them wondering if they were part of the reason why you did it. Thier mother won't exactly be in a good mental state to explain anything. If your kids grow up and then their father suddenly offs himself once they're taking care of themselves and are out of the house, they're going to need therapy anyway. They won't understand why it just suddenly happened. Neither will your wife, who will probably be hit the hardest. If your depressive condition is a genetic one, a parental suicide would almost definitely trigger it in your kids if they have it too. Look, I don't like doing it, but not many people will flat-out say this kind of stuff. They'll just tell you the same boring repetitive crap such as "It won't stop the problem", "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem", You'll be leaving people behind that miss you and don't understand why", etc.. When someone is a bit more morbidly detailed, your logical brain tends to temporarily overrule the part that is drowning in misery for long enough that you actually go get the help you've known that you've needed for years. Realize that what you actually want is not death, but for the misery in your head to stop. That realization helped me immensely. Good luck. It sucks to go through it, but it is worth it in the end. And to the people (especially those who have never had major depression) that think I'm a callous asshole for saying all this, go ahead with the downvotes.
It may sound weird, but I love you for this. Seriously. I will do what I can to make appointments tomorrow (and only tomorrow because it's late on a sunday night and I can't do anything right now).
It's not weird at all. I completely understand the sentiment. In a depressive state, we usually need someone to bitch-slap us with reality before the gears click into place. Sadly, with some people, reality does the job for them in the split second between the attempt to end it, and the attempt succeeding or failing. A good example: there's a guy that jumped off the Golden Gate bridge and survived. One second after jumping is when it clicked for him, apparently. He tells his story for the masses now. The name escapes me. I had to realize it myself, so I do for others what I wish had been done for me. I was kicking myself for all the time that I had wasted wallowing in the hell in my head when it finally clicked. Thankfully I didn't learn my lesson from an attempt, but from treatment. Just make sure you get to the Doctor. Yes, they'll probably be booked solid at first. Don't let it get you even more down. It's a process, just make sure you go. It's *worth* the wait. You may not mesh well with every Doctor, so find one that suits you. It definitely speeds up the process. Be insightful and look into *why* you have this problem. Meds can only do so much- they're a crutch to lean on while working on general treatment and good coping mechanisms. Your family should be aware of and supportive of your treatment. Hiding treatment is just going to look like hiding something else, so just don't set yourself up for some stupid crap like "and where exactly are you going every week on friday?". Just be honest about it. If you're put on medication, make them aware of any potential side effects. Mood swings when starting on new medication isn't completely uncommon. Your workplace doesn't need to know unless it affects your performance, and even then it should be on a need-to-know basis. Just be aware, just in case it *ever* comes down to the wire, and you decide to go to the psychiatric/behavioral health ward as an inpatient, make sure to take care of yourself *now*. First, make sure that your insurance will cover the visit to the ward. The last thing you need while in a depressive mindset is to get out of the hospital and find a major bill in the mail. Some insurance policies only cover a certain amount of time. It's stupid to even have to think about, but cover your ass in case you hit that point and you need it. Second, you'll be missing work, so that's either medical leave or your PTO. They don't need to know the exact reason why you're going. You're going to a hospital for treatment, they don't need to know shit unless it's a legal requirement. Besides, you know how people treat people seeking mental health help. You don't need that crap. Third, *sign yourself in* to the ward. It looks way better than someone else like a Police Officer signing you in, and if you're in the US, someone else signing you in throws a fair few of your rights into the shredder in the name of safety. Depending on your state, that can be very hard to undo. This is also why you don't go telling people that have no good reason to know that you're signing yourself in. Some intended do-gooder might do it for you. General policy is nobody needs to know except your family- and maybe your boss once you're signed in. Lastly, focus on your treatment. Some people go in and out of that place like it has a revolving door purely because they *don't* focus on their treatment. This goes for outpatient treatment as well. You have a legitimately good reason to keep chugging forward. Your kids and your wife. You've gone this long while diving deeper into the Hell in your head. You can go even longer as it gets easier while you claw your way out. Yes, you'll slip back at times. Winter sucks for that. Just find something that helps. Mine is lifting weights. Cutting the premade crap and fast food out of my diet and switching to home cooking also seemed to help me tremendously. Besides, who else can best help your kids work on their issues if they start presenting symptoms of depression? The best help comes from people who have been into that pit and climbed out. A lot of mental health Doctors have personal experience in the matter- it's usually why they took up the profession. Good luck, and safe travels. You can make it through.
Sometimes I watch shows we're watching together without her because she is super extroverted and wants to talk to me during. It usually starts as us discussing plot details and always ends up evolving into her trying to give an entire ted talk. I enjoy having short exchanges of thoughts about the plot but I prefer to watch and enjoy the story and then discuss it aftet. We've talked about it and she understands how I feel but inevitably ends up doing it again. She would be upset if she found out but it allows both of us to enjoy the show the way we both want to.
Mine is the opposite, she falls asleep half way through the show, so I end up watching another episode.
Dude, same. Every freaking night! End up watching the same episodes night after night.
Mine doesnt even make it halfway. She spend half an hour deciding what she wants to watch and then falls asleep on me ten minutes in so im stuck unable to move, watching whatever she put on.
My husband switches to something I won't watch with him when I fall asleep. Maybe just keep the remote handy!
A husband here. Gentlemen, please take note. This is the way.
Yup, and then I get in shit because I'm supposed to stop living or something because she is asleep lol
I get some sass for making sure she's still awake when the next episode starts. Not even five minutes later, she's out... I finish the episode...
The way to kill this habit: keep the remote close, and when your partner starts talking, hit pause. For some reason, movie talking types hate this. It’s like they must talk WHILE the movie is rolling or it doesn’t count. Eventually they catch on and talk less. My experience anyways.
I do this, and on occasion when the remote isn't close I insist on rewinding and rewatching scenes they talked over. He's learned to pause it himself now if he needs to say something that takes longer than 5 seconds
My husband is like this, I pause because I want to listen to him and not miss the movie, and he gets mad about it! He's like "would you stop pausing it? Omg" and I'm like, I'm not pressing play just so you can talk over it? And then the next time he talks over the movie it's because he's asking questions about the plot that neither of us can answer because he talked over the plot point actually happening.
I am a during-the-movie talker and my husband does this and it has helped me become way more aware! I don’t talk over the movie to be annoying, but a thought pops up and I want to share it and then all of the words flood out. You can /feel/ how long you’ve been talking when it’s just silent during that pause.
Mine has an annoying habit of asking me detailed plot and character questions on a show we both just started watching together. Like “who’s that guy, why are they all mad at him? Are they married? What happened to that family?” Like…woman I don’t know, the series started 46 seconds ago! If you stop talking I can pay attention and find out!
As someone who can't remember faces, or often miss subtle (and not so subtle) clues, I am guilty of asking those sorts of questions. Often it's just "Is that girl the same one from 3 minutes ago?" because they both have blonde hair, or "Are they married?" because I can't remember them clearly showing them married in the opening credits. Almost always my spouse has an answer, because she can actually follow things better than me. It's definitely an annoying disruption. But way better than watching a whole show or movie, and not liking or understanding it because I had all these questions hanging. It's often the difference between whether we pick up a TV series to watch together or not.
Worst is when she asks during the scene where they are doing the little bit of exposition that would answer her question if she had just kept quiet and paid attention.
I do too but it's because my fiance yells at every fight scene like "get him, ohhh" and has to tell me the name of every gun or won't stop complaining about one character.
My roommate was like this with the new Top Gun movie… She tends to talk a lot, but not during movies. She kept going on and on for weeks about how great Maverick was, and kept wanting me to watch it with her, so eventually I did… She spent the whole movie talking about all the different planes, what they were called, which ones were better for this and that… All I could think was, “I’ve known you for fifteen years, how is this the first time you’ve ever dropped all this airplane knowledge on me?”
Ever since she sexually assaulted me I vomit after we have sex.
You deserve better, I'm sorry
Dawg dip tomorrow. Seriously that isn’t sustainable you really just have to ask yourself “is this worth doing for a couple monthes and losing it or should I rip off the bandaid now”
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sometimes i watch shows alone because i want to enjoy things without each scene or line having a 75% chance of being followed by sarcasm or a joke. i love her humor but sometimes it will detract from things i find sentimental or sad (i want to feel things too!)
Wow.....I do this ...dam....need to change like 59 things about myself today ...I see myself in some of these complaints
She likes to poke fun at me for taking so long for us to start officially dating after being friends, then more than friends for a while. I just smile and nod and go with it but she was suicidal for a lot of our early time together and I was all she really had. There were lots of 2am drives to her house to talk her down. Knowing that she might die if I ended things was a massive weight on me and it took more than a year for me to be confident that I made the choice to get serious with her because I love her and not because I didn't want her to die. I see no reason why she needs to know this because she would 100% doubt that I truly love her.
You're a solid cat. I've been in your shoes.
Just wanted to let you know that you are a good person. Thank you for being there for someone when you didn’t have to be, I know it’s hard to deal with and while no one is ever under any obligation to be a therapy stand-in for someone struggling with severe mental health problems, you are an amazing person for having the strength to do so. I hope you two have many years of happiness ahead of you
I let the dogs in the room they aren’t allowed sometimes, I think she knows, but she’s threatened to kill me before leaving me, so who knows?
Rip Jose
Nice knowing you all
"We could have died, or worse, broken up"
Sometimes I go to the movies with out my wife because I’m a huge movie buff and fan of the theater experience. and she can’t stand still for the movie long enough to pay attention. I get the big popcorn tub and soda with ice cream to top it off. Edit: this is by the most upvotes I’ve had so much mahalos for everyone who has upvoted this post. I love my wife very much. aloha.
Selfcare is really important for a happy relationship. If I found out my husband would go to the cinema without me I wouldn’t mind. Good for you for treating yourself.
You’re awesome but she’s sensitive when it comes toy he movies because she knows how invested i am into them and she feels like she keeps me from that so I do what I can to avoid making her feel like that
Sometimes when she is not around i buy chocolate, eat it and don't save some for her
Can't you be nice and just fuck a hooker in your front yard?
This comment took me off guard xD
Fucking psycho
Shit escalated quickly....
When an SO secretly eats food I like, or eats somewhere I like without me, I call that “infoodelity.”
ch’eating
If she only knew what was in my work bag. There's candies in there she doesn't even know I like
My wife looked in one of the side pockets of my lunchbox and said “LOOK WHAT I FOUND!?” I thought she found the $1500 in cash I had stashed there. Nope. It was the fruit snacks. Such a good hiding place now ruined.
My ex thought I was hiding women's numbers there. She was surprised to find hundreds of hi chew wrappers.
I fucking love hi chew but them being individually wrapped adds to the guilt. Oh, I mindlessly ate 10 pieces of candy? Now it looks like a rat lives in my lunchbox
Almost all of the ones I've read are super wholesome and I envy your wives. Except the milk carton guy... absolute lunatic.
I had to go look for this! Link for others: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/y5eb1l/men_of_reddit_what_is_one_thing_that_you_keep/isk1u3m?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
If I prioritized myself in the relationship simillar to how she does there would be no relationship.
Edit: Moved to Lemmy
Yeah I got out of a relationship like that a couple months ago and this comment hit home. She was really selfish, she clearly didn’t love me enough, but now I’m actually doing pretty good, it surely feels good to talk to a woman about something I care about and they at least pretend to care lol. Hope OP can make it work if that’s what he wants, I tried, she was even the one to break up with me, and even though I miss her, I don’t feel sad most of the time.
Sounds like a talk needs to happen man. Relationships should be a two way street with equal effort on both sides
you guys need to have a serious talk mate that dont sound healthy AT ALL . good luck
I think her Dad wants to die but his strong Catholic faith won't let him. And frankly I would help him. He's miserable and he makes everyone else miserable. He's on the fast track to palliative care. He's had a very full life and I only got to see the very end of it, when he'd already lost control of half his brain and most of his body. He doesn't deserve to fade like this. If I'm right - and I'm damn sure I am - he's the poster child for euthanasia. I'd never tell her this.
This is a very underrated and serious comment. Im with you, except its my father.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ll never understand how euthanizing pets when they’re terminal is considered compassionate, but a human has to suffer. People should be able to choose to end their own suffering. My dad died from brain cancer. We watched him go from an incredibly healthy 72 year old to a 100 pound skeleton too weak to move or speak. It was an awful end to an otherwise wonderful life. He deserved so much better.
I swear, I admit to something on one single thread and then afterwards all I see are posts geared towards it
Don’t say too much, its a trap
I like these threads because on one side it's, "teehee I leave a flower by the door every time I'm gone for the day and she doesn't know it's me." And on the other it's "I'm the one who murdered your mother because she was an old fucking hag and I swear to god if you become her I'll fucking kill you too."
Some of the things my mental illnesses make me think that would make her worry needlessly. I don't want my internal issues to become a burden on her.
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Me and the kids have a more pleasant weekend when she goes away. It’s like a blanket of calm envelopes us and we have a great time. She knows it but she doesn’t KNOW It. We miss her and all but when she comes home it’s like the kids start to argue with each other and the baby cries a little bit more. I get a little bit annoyed. I hide it though but you know. We had a lovely weekend and it’s over. Edit: Just to be clear, I am a dad that is home 4 o clock every single workday and I am involved with my kids. I cook all our meals and are as big of a presence in our house as she is. I also sleep with the baby every night cause that is what works best for us. So the kids are most likely not very insecure with me.
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And sometimes the mother (or the father) is just a problem. Girl I dated for a while had two kids, they were about 5-7 when we were together. When they came back from their father's, they were happy and well-behaved. The longer they were around their mother, the worse they got. One would get malicious, the other would retreat and get clingy. Her default response when they were misbehaving or emotional was to send them to their room. By the time I left, one was in first grade and the other in kindergarten. They were both showing signs of pretty serious emotional damage. The father only had them for about a day and a half every other weekend or so.
I was the kid in this scenario. Whenever my mom went away my brothers and I along with my dad would breath a sigh of relief. It was like a vacation for us. In my experience I think a big part of that was the fact that my dad was so level headed and calm. The antithesis of my mother. The security/insecurity thing makes sense because she always seemed to be frazzled and/or anxious
When I lived with my dad and stepmom in college my little brother was the same way. She swore he was a picky eater and would make him microwave chicken nuggets because he would pout about 3/4ths of the food they made. But at one point he was playing basketball for the school and they were both working evenings so I would have to pick him up after practice. One night dinner is going to be chili, which she insists he hates, and he would throw a full on tantrum if it was so much as offered to him. I get him from practice and get home, and ask him if he wants anything. Him: "I'm hungry." Me: "Cool bud. Well, we are having chili and your mom is going to the store on her way home. So I can get you a bowl of chili or you can wait on her, but I don't know when she gets off." The boy ate a bowl and a half of chili with zero complaints.
So where we live, you can write your name and number on milk cartons and throw it with rest of the paper trash for recycling. You win money if your carton gets pulled. My wife is really into it at make sure to write her name and number on every one. And if I'm the one to throw one, I write her name and number for her, and she is thankful for it. Now, I don't recall what she did, but it had me really annoyed at her. I had finished a carton of milk and cleaned it out and folded it for disposal. This is probably the most petty thing I've ever done in our relationship; as a way to get back at her, I wrote my name and my number instead of hers. I'm taking it to the grave. Edit: Wow, thank you for the gift! Edit 2: And thank you all for the awards. I didn't expect my silly little story of my pettiness to be my most upvoted and awarded reddit interaction!
Lmao where on earth has a TRASH raffle though??? Is it Canada? ...I bet it's Canada. No wait they have bags of milk... The mystery continues.
We live in Oslo, Norway :)
Europe's Canada.
Ice? Check. Moose? Check. Funny accents? Check. A mining/petrostate that violently suppressed indigenous peoples into the late 1900s? Check. That reputation whitewashed by generous social programs? Check and check.
Spot on. We are a pretty good country I'd say, but far from a perfect one.
And if you win?
Shit... Guess that will be two secrets I have to keep then
The web of lies is growing
This is my exact type of petty shit. I was pissed off for some reason and had to do laundry. Instead of just dumping out entire bag, I literally picked through and only washed my stuff. Another time was mindlessly folding laundry while annoyed and realized I'd folded all his stuff too. So I unfolded all his stuff and pushed it off to the side.
We must be kindred spirits
She was the first person I ever slept with. Potentially wouldn't end the relationship on its own but it would bring up a lot of other awkward questions about other things I lied about when we first got together.
She knows bro
I exaggerated a ton on how many women I’d been with before my current girlfriend. I felt too guilty and told her after a few months and she just laughed and thought that it was cute and it didn’t cause any problems. Feels way better to be honest.
You aren't the only one who agreed to get married for the kids.
This feels loaded.
Thats because it is. She thinks she settled for me, for the kids, and that I got lucky in having her as my wife. The truth of the matter is that I never wanted to get married, and were it not for the fact that I wanted, and truly love, to be in my children's lives, we wouldn't have gotten married.
I am actually just three raccoons in a trench coat.
Lucky middle racoom
Unless this is a human racoonipede kinda deal
Are you friends with Vincent Adultman by any chance?
I saw him at the stock market yesterday he did a business
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Yes, at the business factory
I keep telling him he works too hard !
Honestly, I'm such a jealous guy. I am working on it with my therapist, but I'm jealous to the point where when she's at work my brain tells me that she's actually out doing something with someone. Luckily my therapist has taught me how to deal with those thoughts though.
Sorry to hear that, it must be exhausting. I always try to find a balance between am I being paranoid or cynical and it's not always an easy line to draw. Just remember generally it's unlikely anyone would ever hate you enough to be so cruel. It's a good rule of thumb. People are selfish and lazy, not actively cruel.
If you're aware of that and don't put the weight of your jealousy on her then you're already doing pretty good. My last relationship ended because he was unable to see that the problem was not my work or my coworkers or my friends or ME but actually his jealousy and insecurity. It is exhausting dealing with that. Congratulations for the self awareness, seeking help and getting better! Your SO is a lucky woman.
Nothing. I just want my gf to think I'm adding something to the thread. I told her the question and now she's trying not to be bothered but I can tell she's curious. Edit: spelling. Edit2: wow. Did not expect this blowing up but I can't thank you all enough. You made her way more curious about it. We were running errands and I had no idea it was blowing up. I keep my phone on my vent and she noticed some reddit notifications popping up frequently and started getting curious. She didnt take me seriously til she noticed those. Then I opened it and looked at her " it has over 1000 upvotes..." So I had to show her and she just said I'm dumb and that's kinda sweet too. I thought it was hilarious tbh.
chaotic lol
chaotic neutral
This man woke up this morning and chose violence
Some men just want to watch the world burn
This is a really good one and now I'm answering inside this thread to make her suspicious
This whole thread is a trap.
Well, this is your secret now
How much money I spent restoring my 69 Camaro. She knows it was a lot, but has no idea how much. To be fair, majority of it was paid for with cash I had before we were married, but it’s a lot.
How much?
My buddy is like 80k into his classic car rebuild and it just got painted. Still needs an entire interior among many other things. And that’s doing 90% of the work himself. I think he told me just the refinish and paint was 40k.
What the fuck did your buddy paint their car with that it cost then 40k?
Printer ink
Not just any printer ink, but the most rare and illegal red printer ink of them all. Telekom Pink.
My friend's wife and my wife were talking about his motorcycles. He has a couple of race bikes. His wife said "He must have spent AT LEAST $1000 on those bikes!" ... That might cover a set of tires for them.
I thought about reading some of these comments to my wife. Then I realized it would be a trap and she would ask “well what’s your secret”. I choose life
Grocery store - sometimes I will intentionally forget an item that we need the next day . Like bananas. The only reason, I like to go for drives after dark by myself. Listen to old school Eminem. Walk around an empty grocery store. It's my secret me time. She doesn't know how to have a me time. She just wants to always be with the kids and I. I respect that and love her for it.
She has certain food allergies. Sometimes I'll run out to the store to get something to use while making dinner. I'll drive thru somewhere she can't eat and I'll eat whatever it is on my way home.
I am a FAR better cook than her, but I just tell her that her cooking is better so she feels good about herself.
She visits her family across the country twice a year for a full week. I book that same time off work and don't tell her. I just spend the time getting drunk and high and play video games. It's literally the only time I can relax
Do you just tell her you get two less vacation weeks than you do? If so you get a decent amount of vacation time!
Probably has unlimited pto. It’s becoming more common now
Whenever people say they have unlimited pto, I make a point out of asking how much *they* took last year. I've never heard anyone irl say more than 3 weeks, though there are always some mythical "other people" who take "three months off" every year.
That I will say I’m going to be a few minutes late from my job, but In reality, I want to go get fast food but not spend $40 getting it for the family. I eat it all before I get home and then dispose of the evidence.
Holy hell. My husband used to give his homemade lunches away and go buy lunch. His brother ratted him out by bringing me back the Tupperware and saying thank you for all the lunches.
So he just let you waste your time making lunches for him that he knew he was never going to eat? Holy hell is right.
The actual answer any time she asks the question, "What are you thinking about?"
Few years ago I showed the Mrs [this video ](https://youtu.be/3XjUFYxSxDk) and after that whenever she asks me that question I just say "nothing I was in my nothing box". To be fair chances are I was in my nothing box.
that i know shes not over her ex
If you have this gut feeling, you're probably right. Same thing happened to me with my first real girlfriend. I knew it the whole time, and always thought about leaving in the back of my mind, but didnt. Then I just got hurt when the inevitable happened, sounds like that's what you're waiting for. Don't stay in a relationship if it's not working for YOU
If I see a spider in the bedroom, and she doesn’t see it, I didn’t see a spider. I’m not afraid of them, in fact, they don’t bother me at all. To me they’re like bro-bugs. “Hey pal, ima just eat some other bugs, don’t get up!” So I don’t get up. She is terrified of spiders. She’d leave me if she found out I chill with my 8 legged friends when she’s sleeping.
That I sometimes resent how little effort she puts into our sex life, and how often I have to to help her to put the effort in.
Every time we’re having dinner and they get up to go to the bathroom, I steal a bite of food off their plate. Pretty much every time. And they know my username so.. babe if you ever see this, please forgive me. I love you so much.
Telling a cute fake secret to hide the real one. Smart move.
We had a rocky start. And I'm still scared of getting hurt
I won the lottery 5 years ago and took the monthly sum which auto drafts into a separate account. Whenever we need to make big purchases, I tell her I’m just taking out a loan. I’m afraid if I tell her how much I won, it will destroy our marriage and I fear for the safety of our children if her family finds out I’m wealthy.
Really smart decision, some people need to be protected from themselves.
That she is partly to blame why I have lost interest in my hobbies. I used to have hobbies that I enjoyed doing. Then came why are you spending money on that stuff. While at the same time telling me to go do them. Can't have the both worlds
When she's out of town, I let our Bernese Mountain Dog jump on her side of the bed and we eat popcorn together while watching old 80's classic like Turner and Hooch. He's not supposed to be on the bed, I'm not supposed to eat in bed. We are rebels.
That she makes me feel completely hopeless and is draining all of the good out of me
Bro get the fuck out of there
Hm. We knew each other for a long time but never had deeper contact. When we started dating it was a bit out of the blue (she was randomly asking if I would like to have a drink with her which never happened before) and things developed really really fast. But I guess neither of us wanted that. I was basically still missing my ex, she was fleeing from her parents home and some bad decisions she mad. Also had I known all the things that were actually going on in her life I would've never agreed to meet her. And iam pretty sure that at the beginning, I was just the "next best person" to help her out and that this was reason enough for her to basically act like she is in love and have sex with me. Which weirds me out to this day in some extent. I guess it's not really a big secret, It's just something neither of us really wants to talk about because it would just hurt both of us so bad. She knows I know all this and she knows that I never initially wanted a relationship which is part of the reason she did basically anything in her power to convince me otherwise since I was the last straw she had (with all the abusive assholes she met before me she kinda remembered how I always just treated her nicely). Furthermore, although that this all sounds pretty dark and messed up it worked out for us and we are both happy with each other. There is no need to clarify each others intentions for the relationshipstart. It's long ago and the problems both of us had back then no longer exists and we both fell in love with each other over time anyway.
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Definitely, never under any circumstances should she find this out!
Some of theses comments are pretty fucking sad
Nice try, SO.
Exactly! r/itsatrap
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PTSD, the demons and nightmares from being in the army. I've learned to hide them well and to fake that I'm ok, I learned the hard way that being that vulnerable with somebody who claims to love me but actually used those things against me is something I'll never do again.
I'm so sorry you've experienced something so horrible, as if being in the army and going through that wasn't bad enough. My partner told me about his PTSD while drafted and I can't imagine using that against anyone... I hope whoever you're with will respect and love you.
That's rough man. Keeping that shit to yourself will fuck you up. Taken me years to open up to anyone, decades. But you gotta tell someone. A stranger, a pro, a VA group. Never made sense to me how just telling someone what's in your head helps but it does. Gotta let that shit out man
For real. I will happily DM with any vet who wants to vent. Not in a romantic way bc I’m happily married but I am crushed at the way we treat our vets so any of you want to chat, hit me up. I’m so bummed that the support system for you sucks so hard.
Just had a woman in an AA meeting the other night share about how her ex husband, who was special ops, had just shot himself, after years of silently suffering. We talked a bit afterward about the total lack of a support network he had, even from his fellow Marines. I hope you have some people in your life that you can talk to, brother, even if it isn’t your wife.
One of my best friends was in the Navy and served one tour and he has PTSD. He has told me (civilian) and his wife (seperately) a few stories and that has helped him a lot. He is better mentally but he still suffers. thats one of the reasons why we are close friends cause I bring him peace whenever we hangout. He has tried to kill himself before but failed but thats before I knew him. He will once in a while see a counselor. I would never do that to him, he is the one friend I know I can count on.
She already knows everything, and she still loves me. Luckily I'm not into anything too nasty. I like a simple life.
My net worth. Relationships can be risky when you’re trying to protect a large amount of money. I drive a Tacoma and live in a little two bedroom home and don’t spend much because I don’t really want much. I like to work and I like a simple life. I want to find a woman who feels the same way. Telling someone you’re dating that you have the means to change their lives changes how they see you, you’re not a prospective partner anymore, you’re a meal ticket. I realized this after my college girlfriend and I broke up after way too long unhappy together. She finally admitted that she didn’t want to leave because I could give her a life she could never afford herself. Ever since then I keep it hidden, I want it to be a great surprise to my future wife, not a carrot on a stick.
I don’t necessarily feel like your hiding anything, this would be different if it was some type of Prince and the pauper scenario in which your temporarily concealing your wealth and more importantly character to prove some form of “worthiness” and then you turn back into Arthur Bach. You live a sensible life and Id imagine that won’t change regardless of who you meet so whenever you do meet that person it will be the equivalent of someone saying “I have retirement sorted” and it won’t effect the journey to that point. I agree with you though, characters the most important currency and a lot of people even outside of romantic relationships can create a facade and so it’s good to be able to avoid this and live a normal life and have people take you as they meet you
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I was waiting for her to graduate, start working, and make enough to be on her own to see if she would get better or worse as a partner…there were nights I did NOT want to go home after work myself, and she seemed to think I should love to rush home to be berated to do things like clean up the dishes…after HER. Well, she makes enough, 5 1/2 months ago I said yes, let’s split…2023 is going to be a really good year for me ladies and gentlemen. 2022 should’ve been better but long Covid and shit. It’s certainly ending better.
Sounds cliché but... nothing. We all have out little fibs and lies of omission. But never, ever keep secrets that could have lasting consequences. If she would be legitimately upset to find out about it, to the point where it could actually harm your relationship, then you shouldn't be keeping it from her. If you screwed up... the lie might actually be worse than the offense. And honesty goes along way if you are asking for forgiveness. My wife told me something early on in our relationship that I've never forgotten. "There are very few mistakes I think can't be forgiven, but don't ever let me catch you lying." For her, mistakes are often just that... accidents or poor decisions made in the moment. Lies are intentional and disrespectful.
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The her mother is the cougar that I've dreamt about ever since I was 13
In a few years your SO might be that cougar.
Playing the long game.
Buy low sell high
Buy low, never sell
Most women turn into their mother, so just hang in there for another 20 years and you're golden.
My wife loads the dishwasher like Helen Keller.
That I hate how dismissive she has been about my mental health. TBH, I think I’m on antidepressants because of her, she refused to admit it’s even a thing in the real world, let alone I have an actual problem but it’s all for the kids, so I keep on pretending I still love her.
My parents stayed together "for the kids". Now I realize they never felt true love in a relationship before, and it's sad. Nobody should dismiss your mental health. Glad you're trying to get help despite her. Leaving her may be the best thing for you
That a few months back she got really drunk, told me I was worthless, and that the worst mistake she made was getting back together with me 10 years ago. Then she told me I wasn't a real man, goaded me into having sex with her, then told me I'd raped her. She just kept asking how it felt to be a rapist, and that she cried herself to sleep every night because she can't stand being with me. The day to day stuff between us is nothing like this either, so it was completely out of left field for me. This is what happens when you stay because of your kids. Work your ass off, have no money to spend, constantly get told off, and in the end everyone just assumes you're the problem if she isn't happy. I probably won't do anything about it, because I generally suck at standing up for myself and I feel I'm just in too deep at this point (pretty much resigned to just dying young... if I'm lucky), I'm only posting in the hopes that someone reads this and chooses to break the cycle in their own lives.
You don’t deserve this day to day feeling. Do yourself and the kids the favor and let yourself be free of it. In the end, staying just for the kids does more damage than good. Imagine who you could be if she wasn’t constantly berating you, making you feel like shit. You deserve a happy life. You deserve self worth. You deserve love. Fucking let yourself have all of that. Let your kids see you at your best. She does not get the right to hold you back from that.
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Dude, leave that mess. Edit. Looked at your post history. You’re too young for this shit. Bail now before you knock her up. I was in a similar situation years ago. It will not get better.
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Nice try, honey.
Her heavy anxiety is draining me and pushing me away. It's so frequent now I can't always be the support she needs, and then I'm the bad guy for being distant for the 2ndpanic attack that day, after six years of it. compassion fatigue is real.
I started smoking pot on my day off(legal where I am) whole day alone no responsibilities what so ever. I started at the beginning of 2020 as a way to cope with the massive amount of pressure, stress and risk I was under (my job is essential for society to function, and has high risk) Every weekend that I am alone I take it as me time. I have never told her, she doesn't know, I use a vape so there is no smell and it's easy to hide. I don't know what she would do if she found out, but I do know she is not pro pot.