Ahaha. Yeah, my response wouldn't be that, but it would be similarly confused.
He works all the time, I work all the time, we have two small children, his mother lives with us. When exactly are either of us supposed to find time to date other people?!?!
I'm trying to imagine how I'd actually feel emotionally if he asked me and my mind just keeps getting hung up on the logistics of it. We're too tired, there's no time, that would take way too much work, and that alone makes me not interested. My initial reaction if he asked wouldn't be 'Who did you meet?' but 'Have you lost your mind? There are only 24 hours in a day!'
lol I feel the same way. I don't know how people manage to have affairs - even if I wanted to I don't have the time for one. I barely have enough time to work, take care of my marriage, and be a parent. Adding a girlfriend on the side too? The logistics escape me before morality even enters the picture.
Exactly!
Like anyone else wants my bitchy ass and saggy tits, and no one else wants his knobby knees and bald ass head, lol.
I'd laugh at him, and vice versa.
Yep. I have a friend who is polyamorous, but it is always brought up on or before the first date, so both know what their getting into. Suggesting it once in a relationship typically means they have someone in mind.
Happened to me. We were together for four years, and I thought we'd be together for fifty. Out of the blue, she proposed an open relationship, I thought about it but decided no, I couldn't do it. She cheated on me anyway. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure she had already cheated and was just looking for a way to alleviate her guilt.
It fucked me up for years. It just solidified my disdain for open relationships.
bro you have every right to be angry at polyamory as a concept and I myself have been the victim of shitty people in the polyamory scene, but please know that what your wife did had nothing to do with polyamory. Your wife cheated on you and tried to use polyamory as a smoke screen. Some of the best people I know are polyamorous as well. My best friend is, and they're one of the most decent and loyal people I know. Anyway, my point is, sometimes both polyamorous and monogamous people are pieces of shit, and that shittiness has to do with who they are individually, not their relationship style or who they prefer to date. I hope you have found someone who is loyal and shares your values, and I hope your cheating ex stubs her toe every single morning immediately after waking up for the rest of her life.
Such betrayal, you’re better off without someone like that in your life. There are people out there who don’t cheat.
Edit: to note that my gf and I are pseudo open but even more open are the conversations surrounding the subject, which is essential to avoid hurting each other.
Had a girl cheat on me and claim she’s Poly as a defense against it. She even got my friend who is poly to back her up. I have nothing against it, and I honestly wouldn’t care, however we hadn’t agreed to that kind of relationship and she only claimed to be poly when I confronted her about her cheating. She also went on to use the defense that she was bi and wasn’t getting her needs fully met, but was cheating on me with another guy. She was That Bitch™.
It doesn't matter if she's poly or bi if you're not or discussions weren't had. You didn't sign up for that type of relationship. So, even if she were telling the truth she's a piece of shit regardless.
Uh, I hate the "I'm Bi, you don't meet all of my needs" defence.
I'm Bi, and I've been in a relationship for 7 years and not once cheated. Sure I'd like to suck a dick from time to time, but am I prepared to hurt the person I love most in the world to do that? Nope.
Its about as obsurd as saying "I really like guys with soul patches and you don't have one so its okay to cheat on you with people who do have soul patches."
People like your ex only perpetuate harmful stereotypes about Bisexual people. Using that defence is actively Biphobic.
That's the only way it should ever be. But God fucking luck to anyone in a poly relationship. Relationships between 2 people are hard enough. You'd have to be the most amazingly mature person to pull that off
Yeah I have a buddy in one right now. He recently went on vacation with his girlfriend, her husband, and her husband’s girlfriend. Respect anyone who wants that and can manage it but just the thought puts my head and my heart in a blender.
I just listened to a Stuff You Should Know podcast about it. It was funny because they were kinda dismissing and admiring the idea at the same time. Really harped on maturity and communication, which is probably good because most people likely just imaging getting to have sex with more people as their idea of it.
I know some folks who are doing it successfully, but they are very mature and are meticulous about open and honest communication. I thought it was going to be a disaster (and dreading the fallout as we were friends with two of the people) but it's been going on with very little drama for years.
My ex asked for a threesome with a friend once. Nothing we hadn’t tried once twice so I agreed. The kicker was after she asked she told me she wanted to “teach him how to fuck her right, then have a threesome.”
What's your fave posish?
That's cool with me
It's not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
What's your favorite dish?
I'm not gonna cook it
But I'll order it from Zanzibar
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fucking give her some smooches too
Sometimes you got to squeeze
Sometimes you got to say please
Amazingly this is exactly how it played out in my case. Partner had someone in mind already that she wanted us both to exclusively date and when we weren't interested in each other and I didn't want polyamory to be on the table *at all* until I was out of graduate school, they just went ahead with it anyway.
Crazy how that works!
Which is why I'm a firm believer that if your S/O asks you any form of 'Tryna open the relationship?' *try and exit that relationship immediately if you can* .
From my own experience and those of friends; I've found the people asking these kinda questions normally are leading you to guage your reaction... *to behavior they're already engaging in or into* and wanna coerce you into it as well.
Rarely have I found someone who just woke up one day and realized they were poly or in many cases *simply wanted to fuck around* . Chances are they wanted to beforehand, already are or are planning to act on said wants, and even if you don't act on what they said or think I'm right; *they've already sowed seeds that they're interested in exploring more than you* . As secure as everyone thinks they are; it's a lot different being on the receiving end of this when you originally thought you were in a loving monogamous relationship.
That and many people are unable to deal with the insecurities of poly relationships when they *willingly get into them from the get go* ; so imagine the results of an *impromptu* one. Yeah my point exactly.
Edit; I will say tho; to each it's own. If you welcome that kinda behavior in your relationship and like fucking around and the drama that normally comes with it; who is anybody to yuck your yum? 🤷♂️
My wife has a lot of medical issues, and at one point sex wasn't really an option. She told me that I could have an open relationship on my end if I wanted.
My response was an immediate no.
I'm married to her. I love her. There isn't anyone else in this world I'd rather be with than her, and that I would wait as long as she needed or indefinitely if that was the case. I am with her, not her vagina.
Edit: Wow, I thought my post was going to be mostly ignored! Thank you for the awards, you are all generous people!
The hand was there before and the hand will be there after, if you're lucky it won't always be you're own.
Edit: well I was not expecting this many upvotes let alone a gold. Thank you, you crazy bastards!
Good for you. I'm a wife with a lot of medical issues and at one point my spouse was a whiny, entitled asshole who treated me like a broken sex vending machine and tried to ask for an open marriage and I was like, nah, you can have a divorce if you want it, but not that.
Good news is he got therapy instead of a divorce and things are much better now.
It still hurts, though. I wish he'd been more like you instead. That stuff never gets out of your head. Never. Ever. *Ever.*
My husband and I talked about it when my back first got screwed up, and between the pain and depression our previously overactive sex life was near non-existent.(no that's not how I destroyed my back, directly) And both of us had the same reservations. The idea of opening our relationship to having sex with another person could be something we could go for, if there was a guarantee that it would be sex only. That was something that we both felt could never be guaranteed.
You can't help who you fall in love with. And since people are able to fall in love with more than one person, I believe it is completely logical that you can fall in love with a second person while still being in love with the first. And that just makes things messy. Not to mention, the harm you might cause a third party of they are the one who fell in love with one of you. Nah, too messy.
These are the kinda things people need to praise and reward. Too much kink fantasy bs out there debasing the value of marriage and relationships. Good for you
Damn if this doesn't solidify the fact that I was with the wrong person for 13yrs. All I wanted was to be seen for me, not what my body had to offer. There was never any 'what can I do, how can we work through this?' it was manipulation and months of him trying to convince me I was asexual. Was heartbreaking to know he was already probably cheating.
Me when I found out my girlfriend and wife of 11 years was cheating on me and suddenly said "I have a hard truth for you. I'm poly".
You literally never were before and never wanted to share me and constantly accused me of cheating, now suddenly you wouldn't care if I fucked someone else?
I never cheated, FYI. She was just jealous and insecure. She's the one that ended up cheating.
Knew someone who's ex would constantly accuse them of cheating over the slightest of things and he was the one who ended up cheating.
Even had to gall to blame her for it and then leave with a "I never really loved you." parting shot.
People like that will always blame the victim for them cheating. It's disgusting. They think that cheating is excusable because "well you did x wrong so you only have yourself to blame".
Can confirm. I used to lead a divorce support group and that was almost always the case. The cheater would accuse an innocent spouse of cheating. Another thing I saw a lot of is the cheating spouse would do is buy or do something really nice for the spouse then unceremoniously dump spouse for the person they were cheating with.
I thought this was like the answer not the act so I thought it was like, an order? Like "cry for me whilst begging and I might consider" and the internet has taught me anything might be someone's thing and now I am confused lol
I suggested it to my Partner a while back.
He has a very high sex drive, the medication I need to be on has lowered mine considerably.
I wanted him to not resent me because I just didn't want sex very much anymore.
We very much thought about it, even to the point of making up rules and setting standards.
In the end he came to me and said he didn't want to do it.
I once asked what my spouse thought of 'open marriages'. Yeah... neither of us like that idea. It's just not my idea of a good relationship at all.
I am a one woman guy and always will be.
If they would like any other man, or men than they can have them, just count me out of it. I couldn't ever fathom that.
Husband and I had a similar conversation, with similar results, when my sister opened her marriage (and later closed it. That’s a tale and a half).
I don’t like to share my partner. Neither does husband. I don’t want anyone else and would feel hurt if he wanted anyone else. Monogamy is foundational to loyalty for us.
Open marriages can work for some folks if they’re not opened under duress (recipe for disaster right there), and the couple is not trying to conceive children while the marriage is opened (you want to ensure the chosen life partner rather than a temporary fling to be the father in that situation …). Opening things seems to work better for middle aged swingers. Or for folks that have set up a relationship with these foundations in the first place.
Or sister opened the marriage, had no problem finding guys to fuck, but the first time the husband finally found someone to fuck she got insanely jealous and accused him of all kinds of shit.
A buddy of mine was big on polyamory and didn’t have a jealous bone in his body. Him and his girl would go out to find a man or woman to bring home; if it were a man, he’d be high-fiving him as he banged his girl, but every time they brought a woman home his girl would start crying whenever any intimacy started, and the woman would leave. He tried this for multiple years before deciding it wasn’t working fairly in both directions
Stories like this are pretty common. Usually one person (often the one suggesting the open relationship) is perfectly fine with themselves getting some side action, but they are somehow devastated when their primary partner starts to get some side action of their own. Often, the timing is set up so that the person suggesting the open relationship already has their side piece set up and ready to go, and the open relationship conveniently lasts just long enough for their partner to finally arrange a side piece of their own, at which point the first partner suggests re-closing the relationship.
How did you even broach the topic without setting off your partner's alarm bells? Going by the other responses here, even just bringing it up is a red flag.
We were watching TV and it came up in some show. I just asked her what she thought of that idea that some marriages can be open. She said ' if your gonna do that, why even bother to be married at all?' I said something like 'agreed'. It was all about intention and tone and a large degree of trust we have for each other. Plus, from time to time, I entertain hypothetical questions.
Yeah me and my partner have had that talk before but not in a either one of us want it kind of way, but more like why neither of us would ever go for it.
Simple. We both read AITA and bestofredditorupdates. The amount of open marriage or relationship stories on both is quite high. We read, laugh at and discuss them.
It's all about context and delivery. Like you wouldn't bring it up with a concerned or sad tone of voice just after having sex. Instead, you'd probably want to ask when you're just hanging out and chilling. My spouse and I often have pick-your-brain moments where we just ask each other what we think about X
That would signal the end for me, as well, because that meant something had fundamentally changed. My husband had quite a past before we married and wanted a more mature, stable relationship. For us, we like the exclusivity of it just being the two of us and something that we only share with each other. Like our own secret world.
Ugh. Random story time: My brother thought this applied to the three ladies he was dating in three cities (travels for work) despite have introduced one of them to our mother and having met some of their families. When they found out about each other and epically blew up at him (and all formed a tight new girl-power friend group) he was so confused because he's an idiot and they hadn't explicitly said they were exclusive. This was during the two years of man-whoring he did after his emotionally abusive wife dumped him, so he was naive and oblivious. Mom and I educated him and he is now married with a kid (not to one of those women). But I still laugh at what an idiot he was about that.
Sorry but if I'm having relations with someone I only see when they are "in town" and we never establish exclusivity, there's no way I'm going to delude myself into thinking that's a relationship. The whole story isn't here, your brother was either feeding them lies, or he found the biggest three idiots he could bang and is playing coy about being unaware.
This is favorite.
It turns it around on the suggestor and checks their ego on the matter.
You’d have to have it ready when it’s proposed, for full effect.
Probably break it off. I understand that monogamy isn't for everyone and I'm not gonna force it on anyone, but *personally* I'm not interested in an open marriage, and if my husband wanted one, the marriage might be too far gone. Even if he's okay staying monogamous, I may spend the rest of the marriage stressing over whether I'm enough, and wondering if he's getting what he wants behind my back.
If his needs aren't being met, I'd want to have that conversation long before it gets to the point where an open marriage even crosses his mind.
Exactly. I would never get it off my mind that my partner actually wants to fuck other people.. call me insecure, but I can't possibly take it.
People are better off having that conversation very early or even before they enter a relationship.
It's funny that the dating scene has become such that being affected because your partner wants to fuck other people might be considered "insecure".
Though it's not really funny, it's super sad
Yeah.. it sucks. Monogamy is obviously the mainstream thing and monogamists are not oppressed by any means, but it's REALLY annoying to get called insecure multiple times because I want exclusivity with my partner
I did this to get out of an abusive relationship. Asked him if he wanted to open the relationship, even though that’s not my style. He terminated it very quickly and finally left me alone. I wouldn’t recommend everyone to do this though
Worth noting however, if you aren't in danger of being physically/verbally/emotionally abused, don't use this as your way of making THEM leave you, because you are too scared to do it. If you've just fallen out of love with the person, tell them, otherwise it could leave a whole extra mess of insecurities because you didn't want to be the bad guy.
My daughters dad tried this and then proceeded to give me an ultimatum. I was about 10 months post partum and my libido hadn't really recovered yet, not to mention i was at the PEAK of my PPD. it wasn't a totally dead bedroom but not nearly as often as we used to. He kept asking me for a threesome which was great timing considering my self esteem was already at an all time low. So naturally i refused and told him to never ask me again. he then said he either needs an open relationship to satisfy his needs or he wanted to break up.
Soooo i told him he's not getting my permission to cheat on me and we're done.
We still lived together for a few months for financial reasons but from that point on we were roommates and coparents. He STILL gives surprised pikachu face at the fact im cold to him
This blows my godamn mind.
My wife and I have been married since 2015 and we met in 2008.
We both have RIDICULOUS sex drives. It's what made the beginning absolutely rediculous. I'm talking every day for the first year of the relationship. Did not miss a single day and I can remember my penis being in rough shape as a result.
Fast forward to today and we just had our third child in the summer. He's 8 months old and we have two older girls (5 years and 3 years). Parenting means we are super tired and I know all about the hormones that come with and after pregnancy and how much that can impact your sex drive. We have not had sex since she was pregnant. We usually get started back up 10-12 months after the birth because she takes a while to get back into the mood of things - that's fine - that's how it works.
To think about a man in my situation, pressuring the shit out of the mother of their child for sex is one of the most infuriating, tone deaf, disrespectful things I can ever imagine. You're much better off.
> Parenting means **we** are super tired and I know all about the hormones that come with and after pregnancy and how much that can impact your sex drive.
Honestly, I think most of the guys who act like that ass don't do much parenting. *They're* not tired so their wife shouldn't be either.
So many men honesty don’t know how to have a relationship. There are many things to learn and if you’re not growing as a person, your relationship isn’t either. I think many people don’t realize this.
I would need more details.
Open relationships take a lot of trust and communication. There needs to be equity on both sides.
I would ask questions like:
Why is this being brought up now?
Has something changed?
How do you feel about each of us having another partner? Or is this just a you thing?
What happens when those partners want other partners, too?
I would likely ask questions about gender preferences and how we would handle testing for STDs.
Is this just a sexual thing, or more like a full blown relationship? How much time will be allocated to this relationship?
Will these relationships all be separate and distinct?
If I had children I would ask about what, if anything, would be shared with them.
If this discussion becomes uncomfortable then the current relationship probably needs to be reassessed and maybe counseling should be considered, if the plan is to stay together (open or not)
Edit - typos
And - thanks for the award!
Well written post, but if this came up late in the relationship then I'm on the "Eject! Eject! Eject!" side of the fence (having been cheated on in my marriage may have jaded me).
I know exactly 1 couple that have a successful open relationship that's lasted (\~7 years so far) and trust and communication is decidedly the most important part of it (with a close second being clear and respected boundaries).
If a partner in an established couple suddenly brought this up then therapy for the couple is in order at the minimum, and the therapist can broker this new relationship or repair the existing one... or as in my case, tell the partner that's being cheated on how to safely exit.
The replies to this response are forgetting that for some people, the very question of opening the relationship can make them unattracted to the asking partner on the spot. And we can all at least agree that no one should be forced to stay in a relationship if they well and truly do not want to?
I’m not bashing this take, it’s great for those who don’t mind working through it. But keep in mind that others have hard boundaries regarding even asking to open the relationship, and that’s okay too.
Agreed, there’s no situation in which I’d be okay with an open relationship and if that’s my SO’s solution to whatever problem we had, we’re not a good match anymore. There’s just no way the conversation could go that would make me want to stay with them
The whole thread is full of "divorce immediately, no qurstions asked", noone is forgetting anything.
>And we can all at least agree that no one should be forced to stay in a relationship if they well and truly do not want to?
Well, obviously, noone is arguing that.
But if your boundary is already at your spouse just articulating the question, maybe that also should be examined? Shouldn't a relationship be able to discuss the longings of the people involved?
Me too. If that’s they way they want to live their life, cool, but it’s not how I want to live mine.
It would better to split up and we can both find have the lifestyle we want.
From someone who's been there... this is the wrong answer. First you stay chill while you believably disappear all your assets and secure your personal future. Then file for divorce.
One guy I read about (too late for me to copy unfortunately) found out his wife was cheating. He played the perfect cuck/doormat while she was busy having her fun. Unbeknownst to her, while she was super distracted he "developed depression and a gambling habit because of the lack of intimacy in their relationship". Every few days he went to the local casino and cashed out $5-8K. Played slots for a few pulls, had dinner at the buffet, then cashed out and put that money away somewhere not in the banking system. Did this till the 401k was empty, the accounts were empty, and the house had a line of credit against it.
Then he filed for divorce.
I did the "file for divorce now" and my ex, who loved blowing money, managed to take half my 401k and put me on the hook for a lot of her spending (including a week long Disney trip with the new guy and his kids).
I'm no lawyer, but that sounds like fraud on several levels - I'd be really surprised if that was a true story that didn't end in jail or at least a huge lawsuit.
Not saying it's impossible, but I'd think the casino at least would be very happy to assist any investigation and might even take the initiative since he wasn't giving them much.
That I'm monogamous, I was clear from the start I was monogamous, and if my partner wants an open relationship then it's clear we're nowhere near in the same page, we're not going anywhere as a couple, and we're actually done. Not trying to shame anyone, I just don't want to be with someone who thinks about banging other people so much and so often that they ultimately decided they're willing to try to sell me on the idea that we should agree they can do it while still being in a relationship with me and I should be totally fine with it because of reasons. See ya!
Same here! Before my ex and I officially decided to date we had a conversation regarding just this. Wanted to make sure it was clear I'm the possessive type and any form of sharing was off the table. This was mostly regarding threesomes, yay that bisexual stereotype, but did talk about non-monogamous dynamics as well.
Non-monogamy can be great and if you are open to it can find there are a ton of benefits to it! But I'm not, nor am I comfortable knowing my partner doesn't feel the same way I do.
My ex gf did that a year into the relationship. I said no that wouldn’t work for me and broke it off. She fucks around with a handful of dudes and 6mo later she wants me back… big surprise that now she’s saying she’s not poly and trying to convince me that I’m her true love. Haha what a joke!! I ain’t playing the manipulation and gaslighting game!!
I would leave, question as to why just to get an answer but i would be done. Basically says to me "Hey, i want to have sex with other people." No thanks
I would ask them why, listen, and determine from there whether to break up or say a cautious no and watch their actions. How they ask is important too. That's a very thin tight rope.
This! There is a difference between asking if something would be a possibility and deciding it is what you need to do. Worth investigating. My wife asked, and after investigation it turned out that it was not just an idle question but instead something she has decided is a core part of her identity and that there is a particular guy who she feels she needs to pursue a relationship with. Since I am not open to being in an open relationship, and because not asking until you are that far along is a huge red flag for communication, I have made it clear that we will need to go separate ways. But it was worth having the conversation — it could also be an abstract question where they are open to hearing “no” and accepting that “no” as the condition of being with you.
Instantly end the relationship.
If you want to fuck other people, have at it. But I don't to and I don't want my partner to either.
When someone in a committed relationship proposes to open it up, the count down on that relationship has commenced. I will not drag it out if someone proposes this to me.. it'll be swift.
It depends entirely on what their idea of an open relationship looks like. From my understanding healthy and fulfilling ethical non-monogamous relationships require lots of open and honest communication and high emotional intelligence. Most of the time when I see people proposing to open the relationship it’s because the already suck at communication and think fucking around will solve their problems.
I would be open to it if we were to discuss the rules and boundaries within our relationship at length before anything happened. I would want frequent check-ins to see how each partner is feeling and see if any adjustments need to be made to the rules. I would also want to be in couples counseling maybe once a month or so with a counselor that support non monogamous relationships to help us work through any obstacles.
I can definitely see the benefits of an open relationship but I can’t even find a man with an EIQ higher than a dog so one that has enough for an open relationship seems like a unicorn.
Frankly, I think you cannot go from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one. If a relationship will be open or non-monogamous, it needs to start like that and ensure both/all parties know what the nature of the relationship is. Or at least both be aware and open about an open relationship as a possibility.
Im more open to the ideas of unconventional relationships. But if my partner and I were exclusive, but they changed from 'youre the only one for me' to 'we should open the relationship' i would instantly think they found someone else and wanted to be with them without feeling like they were cheating.
I’m living proof you can go from monogamous to open. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, it wasn’t an open relationship when we started but there are some things that we each want that we can’t offer each other. People change over time as has our relationship, but we’re both still quite happy.
Talk about why she wants an open relationship and then leave. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with other people. If I’m in a relationship with you I want you and only you, if that’s not reciprocated I’m out
I think it's better to start a relationship as open/poly/ENM from scratch instead of trying to convert a monogamous one into that.
Casual sex is easier for women to get than men (from the opposite sex, anyway) - so I think it could (and does) backfire for a man if he opens up his relationship: she' might get railed every night of the week from a different dick and he'll be left swiping right and getting nothing.
Check to see if she has a brain injury.
It's not in line with any values either of us have expressed or committed to, so it'd be a complete relationship reset from zero, with the kids as baggage. It would be discussed, but I can imagine at present how it would turn out as anything but a divorce.
for me, personally, it’s a dealbreaker. nothing against open/poly/enm couples, but i couldn’t get comfortable with it and i don’t wanna be uncomfortable in my own relationship
This is a criterion that needs to be brought up as a feature at the onset of the relationship, not midway through it.
Because:
1. There are reasonable expectations of exclusivity being the default feature of a romantic relationship.
2. It is an unfair burden on the person being asked to transition the relationship into an open one. It puts them into an untenable position whereby they CANNOT SAY NO without being made to feel like they are the one responsible for the eventual souring of the relationship.
Let’s say they say yes. Is it truly an enthusiastic yes? If it is, then fine. But I suspect the vast majority won’t be saying yes and feeling good about it.
Let’s say they say no. Then the dynamic will change. The person who wants to fuck others will still want to go out and fuck others. That doesn’t change the mindset that put them on the path to wanting an open relationship. So they’ll either just cheat covertly or they’ll stay faithful but will build resentment over the restrictions “put on them” by being refused to open the relationship. This resentment will eventually build and ruin the relationship. At the same time, the person who doesn’t want the open relationship will lose trust and feel less secure about the relationship and will also have resentment and trust issues stemming from knowing their partner wants to fuck outside the relationship. This will create tension and friction and ruin the relationship.
This is what we call a lose lose crossroads.
If you bring this issue up, the general understanding here is that this is a need you will need to pursue and you are willing to sacrifice this current relationship in order to get your way on this issue.
M (51, married 27, include dating - faithful for over 30)… I would engage in the convo and try and find out what they want. We both had limited partners before marriage so if it was just wanting to “feel another dick” or get more experience just for the sex, fine, I’m good with a full swap swing. But if it’s a “there’s this 20yo coworker that keeps flirting with me”, that’s a different situation.
I would end the relationship. Have nothing against people who choose open relationships but that’s kinda something you have to establish from the get go.
To me, asking this means you are not satisfied with their relationship as it is, and even if I say “no” and the relationship continues, you’re not just gonna stop wanting an open relationship. If we both want different things, it’s best to just end it before it gets ugly. I know girls whose bfs have proposed this, and after they were told “no” the bf just started cheating behind her back.
So yeah, I would just end it.
In my personal relationship it would be a red flag. We’re both very possessive meaning we’re still fairly early and insecure about the relationship. We’re less than a year so to have that idea pushed so early would make me feel very strange. In my eyes we’re still in the honeymoon phase and we haven’t seen each others worsts and bests entirely.
If her and I were a few years deep, complete with unspoken trust then I’d simply say no and that I’d like to sexually experiment with her instead or her just having sex with others. Open relationships just seem like a recipe for disaster in most cases IMO.
“Why would you wait a quarter century to suggest this? Nobody else wants to sleep with us now. Stop it.”
Ahaha. Yeah, my response wouldn't be that, but it would be similarly confused. He works all the time, I work all the time, we have two small children, his mother lives with us. When exactly are either of us supposed to find time to date other people?!?! I'm trying to imagine how I'd actually feel emotionally if he asked me and my mind just keeps getting hung up on the logistics of it. We're too tired, there's no time, that would take way too much work, and that alone makes me not interested. My initial reaction if he asked wouldn't be 'Who did you meet?' but 'Have you lost your mind? There are only 24 hours in a day!'
With all that going on I don’t know how you find time to sleep with eachother much less other people 😭😭
Seriously... it's a talent to just stay in the mood while the 3 year year old is banging on the door he wants us to approve a new game on his tablet.
lol I feel the same way. I don't know how people manage to have affairs - even if I wanted to I don't have the time for one. I barely have enough time to work, take care of my marriage, and be a parent. Adding a girlfriend on the side too? The logistics escape me before morality even enters the picture.
That would be my response too!
I’ll sleep with this man’s wife.
Exactly! Like anyone else wants my bitchy ass and saggy tits, and no one else wants his knobby knees and bald ass head, lol. I'd laugh at him, and vice versa.
Ask them who they want to fuck. Unfortunately, this has happened to me before. Should have ended it there, but I dragged it out a bit longer.
Yep. I have a friend who is polyamorous, but it is always brought up on or before the first date, so both know what their getting into. Suggesting it once in a relationship typically means they have someone in mind.
Yeah, in my case she did have someone in mind, and she was already fucking him anyway.
Happened to me. We were together for four years, and I thought we'd be together for fifty. Out of the blue, she proposed an open relationship, I thought about it but decided no, I couldn't do it. She cheated on me anyway. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure she had already cheated and was just looking for a way to alleviate her guilt. It fucked me up for years. It just solidified my disdain for open relationships.
bro you have every right to be angry at polyamory as a concept and I myself have been the victim of shitty people in the polyamory scene, but please know that what your wife did had nothing to do with polyamory. Your wife cheated on you and tried to use polyamory as a smoke screen. Some of the best people I know are polyamorous as well. My best friend is, and they're one of the most decent and loyal people I know. Anyway, my point is, sometimes both polyamorous and monogamous people are pieces of shit, and that shittiness has to do with who they are individually, not their relationship style or who they prefer to date. I hope you have found someone who is loyal and shares your values, and I hope your cheating ex stubs her toe every single morning immediately after waking up for the rest of her life.
I guess at the end of the day - deceitful sexuality is wrong no matter if it's monogamous or poly.
And that she steps on lego barefoot every night
"May traffic never yield to you, bitch!"
Having lived in SF, basically 90% of people who claim to be poly are using it as a smoke screen. It's a good shorthand to know who the shitters are.
That’s usually how it goes.
Such betrayal, you’re better off without someone like that in your life. There are people out there who don’t cheat. Edit: to note that my gf and I are pseudo open but even more open are the conversations surrounding the subject, which is essential to avoid hurting each other.
If you don't mind me asking, what is pseudo open? Is that like open for specific people?
sex club? one night stand? threesomes with an Escort together?
It means just the tip, I bet
big vibes of "Why ask permission when you can just beg forgiveness"
Yup, the good old "how to get away with cheating and keep doing it without repercussions". Sorry it happened to you mate and glad you're out.
Had a girl cheat on me and claim she’s Poly as a defense against it. She even got my friend who is poly to back her up. I have nothing against it, and I honestly wouldn’t care, however we hadn’t agreed to that kind of relationship and she only claimed to be poly when I confronted her about her cheating. She also went on to use the defense that she was bi and wasn’t getting her needs fully met, but was cheating on me with another guy. She was That Bitch™.
It doesn't matter if she's poly or bi if you're not or discussions weren't had. You didn't sign up for that type of relationship. So, even if she were telling the truth she's a piece of shit regardless.
Uh, I hate the "I'm Bi, you don't meet all of my needs" defence. I'm Bi, and I've been in a relationship for 7 years and not once cheated. Sure I'd like to suck a dick from time to time, but am I prepared to hurt the person I love most in the world to do that? Nope. Its about as obsurd as saying "I really like guys with soul patches and you don't have one so its okay to cheat on you with people who do have soul patches." People like your ex only perpetuate harmful stereotypes about Bisexual people. Using that defence is actively Biphobic.
That's the only way it should ever be. But God fucking luck to anyone in a poly relationship. Relationships between 2 people are hard enough. You'd have to be the most amazingly mature person to pull that off
Yeah I have a buddy in one right now. He recently went on vacation with his girlfriend, her husband, and her husband’s girlfriend. Respect anyone who wants that and can manage it but just the thought puts my head and my heart in a blender.
*Watch it spin 'round to a beautiful oblivion Rendezvous then I'm through with you*
How do they choose a restaurant?
I just listened to a Stuff You Should Know podcast about it. It was funny because they were kinda dismissing and admiring the idea at the same time. Really harped on maturity and communication, which is probably good because most people likely just imaging getting to have sex with more people as their idea of it.
I know some folks who are doing it successfully, but they are very mature and are meticulous about open and honest communication. I thought it was going to be a disaster (and dreading the fallout as we were friends with two of the people) but it's been going on with very little drama for years.
Tried that before. It's incredibly hard. Definitely not for me since i still make fart jokes
Yup, when my husband asked this it was because he already had someone in mind for himself.
Exactly!!! 😡
Disgusting
Ask them who are they ALREADY fucking
Yeah, I kind of already knew. I really loved her and wanted it to work out, but deep down I knew I was just delaying the inevitable.
On Reddit stories, this indicates they’re already cheating.
Yeah, I imagine it often means "hey, can we agree on me continuing to cheat but without the guilt?"
That was the case with my situation.
My ex asked for a threesome with a friend once. Nothing we hadn’t tried once twice so I agreed. The kicker was after she asked she told me she wanted to “teach him how to fuck her right, then have a threesome.”
What's your fave posish? That's cool with me It's not my favorite But I'll do it for you What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it But I'll order it from Zanzibar
You don't always have to fuck her hard In fact sometimes that's not right to do Sometimes you've got to make some love And fucking give her some smooches too Sometimes you got to squeeze Sometimes you got to say please
For me it was literally anybody because the relationship had lost all intimacy.
Amazingly this is exactly how it played out in my case. Partner had someone in mind already that she wanted us both to exclusively date and when we weren't interested in each other and I didn't want polyamory to be on the table *at all* until I was out of graduate school, they just went ahead with it anyway. Crazy how that works!
So who did they wanna fuck?
Not me.
Sorry
Yeah 99.99% of the time when they say this, they already have in mind who to fuck.
Or are already fucking, in my case.
Me too man.
Related, I dragged it for a long time.
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Tables? Chairs?
Don't stop there..
At least the fish are safe.
Not the crabs!
That relationship was kinda doomed from the start if you were already thinking about ways you could have sex with your best friend tbh
You are open to leave
And we shall open the door for them as well 😊
I was gonna say this.
Join the club we have tshirts
Can confirm from experience. My ex asked for an open relationship, I told her I’d rather not, she opened it up anyway.
Yep, nobody's going to ask that without a very specific reason - a very specific person in mind.
Very true, at least a person in mind that made then think about it
Which is why I'm a firm believer that if your S/O asks you any form of 'Tryna open the relationship?' *try and exit that relationship immediately if you can* . From my own experience and those of friends; I've found the people asking these kinda questions normally are leading you to guage your reaction... *to behavior they're already engaging in or into* and wanna coerce you into it as well. Rarely have I found someone who just woke up one day and realized they were poly or in many cases *simply wanted to fuck around* . Chances are they wanted to beforehand, already are or are planning to act on said wants, and even if you don't act on what they said or think I'm right; *they've already sowed seeds that they're interested in exploring more than you* . As secure as everyone thinks they are; it's a lot different being on the receiving end of this when you originally thought you were in a loving monogamous relationship. That and many people are unable to deal with the insecurities of poly relationships when they *willingly get into them from the get go* ; so imagine the results of an *impromptu* one. Yeah my point exactly. Edit; I will say tho; to each it's own. If you welcome that kinda behavior in your relationship and like fucking around and the drama that normally comes with it; who is anybody to yuck your yum? 🤷♂️
God damnit you beat me to it but I was going to say that door is open go through it Edit: in short take my fucking upvote
Show him the door and change the locks.
Or her. Ex wanted one. Knew the relationship was doomed
My wife has a lot of medical issues, and at one point sex wasn't really an option. She told me that I could have an open relationship on my end if I wanted. My response was an immediate no. I'm married to her. I love her. There isn't anyone else in this world I'd rather be with than her, and that I would wait as long as she needed or indefinitely if that was the case. I am with her, not her vagina. Edit: Wow, I thought my post was going to be mostly ignored! Thank you for the awards, you are all generous people!
The hand was there before and the hand will be there after, if you're lucky it won't always be you're own. Edit: well I was not expecting this many upvotes let alone a gold. Thank you, you crazy bastards!
Quite handy you are
If I had gold, I’d give it to you.
To both of them
>indefinitely if that was the case. I read this as ***Infidelity***...
Good for you. I'm a wife with a lot of medical issues and at one point my spouse was a whiny, entitled asshole who treated me like a broken sex vending machine and tried to ask for an open marriage and I was like, nah, you can have a divorce if you want it, but not that. Good news is he got therapy instead of a divorce and things are much better now. It still hurts, though. I wish he'd been more like you instead. That stuff never gets out of your head. Never. Ever. *Ever.*
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This is beautiful and rare
My husband and I talked about it when my back first got screwed up, and between the pain and depression our previously overactive sex life was near non-existent.(no that's not how I destroyed my back, directly) And both of us had the same reservations. The idea of opening our relationship to having sex with another person could be something we could go for, if there was a guarantee that it would be sex only. That was something that we both felt could never be guaranteed. You can't help who you fall in love with. And since people are able to fall in love with more than one person, I believe it is completely logical that you can fall in love with a second person while still being in love with the first. And that just makes things messy. Not to mention, the harm you might cause a third party of they are the one who fell in love with one of you. Nah, too messy.
These are the kinda things people need to praise and reward. Too much kink fantasy bs out there debasing the value of marriage and relationships. Good for you
This is beautiful and a breath of fresh air. Hope giving.
Damn if this doesn't solidify the fact that I was with the wrong person for 13yrs. All I wanted was to be seen for me, not what my body had to offer. There was never any 'what can I do, how can we work through this?' it was manipulation and months of him trying to convince me I was asexual. Was heartbreaking to know he was already probably cheating.
Cry
For some reason your user name made me feel even worse because I pictured a chibi/ squishmallow-esque cup of noodles being let down.
We do not tolerate upsetting little cups of noodles in this neighborhood.
We treat our noodles right around here!
Noodle rights are human rights
Me when I found out my girlfriend and wife of 11 years was cheating on me and suddenly said "I have a hard truth for you. I'm poly". You literally never were before and never wanted to share me and constantly accused me of cheating, now suddenly you wouldn't care if I fucked someone else? I never cheated, FYI. She was just jealous and insecure. She's the one that ended up cheating.
Knew someone who's ex would constantly accuse them of cheating over the slightest of things and he was the one who ended up cheating. Even had to gall to blame her for it and then leave with a "I never really loved you." parting shot.
People like that will always blame the victim for them cheating. It's disgusting. They think that cheating is excusable because "well you did x wrong so you only have yourself to blame".
✨️narcissism✨️
It's the most jealous types and the ones that accuse you of cheating, the ones who are actually cheating.
Can confirm. I used to lead a divorce support group and that was almost always the case. The cheater would accuse an innocent spouse of cheating. Another thing I saw a lot of is the cheating spouse would do is buy or do something really nice for the spouse then unceremoniously dump spouse for the person they were cheating with.
People often project their own problems onto other people.
I have no idea why but this made me feel bad. I don't even have a face to put the person to.
I get this response a lot :')
Yep, that's the one. The real answer haha. I'd bawl my eyes out.
Same. And Cry I did.
I thought this was like the answer not the act so I thought it was like, an order? Like "cry for me whilst begging and I might consider" and the internet has taught me anything might be someone's thing and now I am confused lol
Girl, same. I’d be devastated.
I suggested it to my Partner a while back. He has a very high sex drive, the medication I need to be on has lowered mine considerably. I wanted him to not resent me because I just didn't want sex very much anymore. We very much thought about it, even to the point of making up rules and setting standards. In the end he came to me and said he didn't want to do it.
“Aiiight, imma head out”
I once asked what my spouse thought of 'open marriages'. Yeah... neither of us like that idea. It's just not my idea of a good relationship at all. I am a one woman guy and always will be. If they would like any other man, or men than they can have them, just count me out of it. I couldn't ever fathom that.
I need a coffee. I read "I am a woman guy" and was thoroughly confused.
Husband and I had a similar conversation, with similar results, when my sister opened her marriage (and later closed it. That’s a tale and a half). I don’t like to share my partner. Neither does husband. I don’t want anyone else and would feel hurt if he wanted anyone else. Monogamy is foundational to loyalty for us. Open marriages can work for some folks if they’re not opened under duress (recipe for disaster right there), and the couple is not trying to conceive children while the marriage is opened (you want to ensure the chosen life partner rather than a temporary fling to be the father in that situation …). Opening things seems to work better for middle aged swingers. Or for folks that have set up a relationship with these foundations in the first place.
Reading between the lines here, I feel your sister got pregnant by a secondary partner.
Or sister opened the marriage, had no problem finding guys to fuck, but the first time the husband finally found someone to fuck she got insanely jealous and accused him of all kinds of shit.
A buddy of mine was big on polyamory and didn’t have a jealous bone in his body. Him and his girl would go out to find a man or woman to bring home; if it were a man, he’d be high-fiving him as he banged his girl, but every time they brought a woman home his girl would start crying whenever any intimacy started, and the woman would leave. He tried this for multiple years before deciding it wasn’t working fairly in both directions
Stories like this are pretty common. Usually one person (often the one suggesting the open relationship) is perfectly fine with themselves getting some side action, but they are somehow devastated when their primary partner starts to get some side action of their own. Often, the timing is set up so that the person suggesting the open relationship already has their side piece set up and ready to go, and the open relationship conveniently lasts just long enough for their partner to finally arrange a side piece of their own, at which point the first partner suggests re-closing the relationship.
How did you even broach the topic without setting off your partner's alarm bells? Going by the other responses here, even just bringing it up is a red flag.
We were watching TV and it came up in some show. I just asked her what she thought of that idea that some marriages can be open. She said ' if your gonna do that, why even bother to be married at all?' I said something like 'agreed'. It was all about intention and tone and a large degree of trust we have for each other. Plus, from time to time, I entertain hypothetical questions.
Yeah me and my partner have had that talk before but not in a either one of us want it kind of way, but more like why neither of us would ever go for it.
Simple. We both read AITA and bestofredditorupdates. The amount of open marriage or relationship stories on both is quite high. We read, laugh at and discuss them.
It's all about context and delivery. Like you wouldn't bring it up with a concerned or sad tone of voice just after having sex. Instead, you'd probably want to ask when you're just hanging out and chilling. My spouse and I often have pick-your-brain moments where we just ask each other what we think about X
That would be the end of it for me. I can totally respect that being how someone wants to live their life, but that isn’t for me.
That would signal the end for me, as well, because that meant something had fundamentally changed. My husband had quite a past before we married and wanted a more mature, stable relationship. For us, we like the exclusivity of it just being the two of us and something that we only share with each other. Like our own secret world.
Weren’t we already in one?
Wait, when did we go exclusive?
“We never **explicitly** said we were exclusive— loophole!”
“WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!”
Ugh. Random story time: My brother thought this applied to the three ladies he was dating in three cities (travels for work) despite have introduced one of them to our mother and having met some of their families. When they found out about each other and epically blew up at him (and all formed a tight new girl-power friend group) he was so confused because he's an idiot and they hadn't explicitly said they were exclusive. This was during the two years of man-whoring he did after his emotionally abusive wife dumped him, so he was naive and oblivious. Mom and I educated him and he is now married with a kid (not to one of those women). But I still laugh at what an idiot he was about that.
Sorry but if I'm having relations with someone I only see when they are "in town" and we never establish exclusivity, there's no way I'm going to delude myself into thinking that's a relationship. The whole story isn't here, your brother was either feeding them lies, or he found the biggest three idiots he could bang and is playing coy about being unaware.
I thought we were exclusively on the poop hole loophole.
This is favorite. It turns it around on the suggestor and checks their ego on the matter. You’d have to have it ready when it’s proposed, for full effect.
Whoopsies!
Probably break it off. I understand that monogamy isn't for everyone and I'm not gonna force it on anyone, but *personally* I'm not interested in an open marriage, and if my husband wanted one, the marriage might be too far gone. Even if he's okay staying monogamous, I may spend the rest of the marriage stressing over whether I'm enough, and wondering if he's getting what he wants behind my back. If his needs aren't being met, I'd want to have that conversation long before it gets to the point where an open marriage even crosses his mind.
Exactly. I would never get it off my mind that my partner actually wants to fuck other people.. call me insecure, but I can't possibly take it. People are better off having that conversation very early or even before they enter a relationship.
It's funny that the dating scene has become such that being affected because your partner wants to fuck other people might be considered "insecure". Though it's not really funny, it's super sad
Yeah.. it sucks. Monogamy is obviously the mainstream thing and monogamists are not oppressed by any means, but it's REALLY annoying to get called insecure multiple times because I want exclusivity with my partner
"Goodbye".
I would terminate our relationship, whether it's breaking up or divorce. Saves the both of us a whole lot of heartache and drama.
I did this to get out of an abusive relationship. Asked him if he wanted to open the relationship, even though that’s not my style. He terminated it very quickly and finally left me alone. I wouldn’t recommend everyone to do this though
Well played! Glad you got out, nobody deserves to be abused.
Worth noting however, if you aren't in danger of being physically/verbally/emotionally abused, don't use this as your way of making THEM leave you, because you are too scared to do it. If you've just fallen out of love with the person, tell them, otherwise it could leave a whole extra mess of insecurities because you didn't want to be the bad guy.
Glad it worked out. Highlight the not recommended, bc it could easily end in violence from the abuser
Interesting strategy, glad it worked out!
Tried it once. Destroyed the relationship. Automatic no from me from now on.
breakup
My daughters dad tried this and then proceeded to give me an ultimatum. I was about 10 months post partum and my libido hadn't really recovered yet, not to mention i was at the PEAK of my PPD. it wasn't a totally dead bedroom but not nearly as often as we used to. He kept asking me for a threesome which was great timing considering my self esteem was already at an all time low. So naturally i refused and told him to never ask me again. he then said he either needs an open relationship to satisfy his needs or he wanted to break up. Soooo i told him he's not getting my permission to cheat on me and we're done. We still lived together for a few months for financial reasons but from that point on we were roommates and coparents. He STILL gives surprised pikachu face at the fact im cold to him
This blows my godamn mind. My wife and I have been married since 2015 and we met in 2008. We both have RIDICULOUS sex drives. It's what made the beginning absolutely rediculous. I'm talking every day for the first year of the relationship. Did not miss a single day and I can remember my penis being in rough shape as a result. Fast forward to today and we just had our third child in the summer. He's 8 months old and we have two older girls (5 years and 3 years). Parenting means we are super tired and I know all about the hormones that come with and after pregnancy and how much that can impact your sex drive. We have not had sex since she was pregnant. We usually get started back up 10-12 months after the birth because she takes a while to get back into the mood of things - that's fine - that's how it works. To think about a man in my situation, pressuring the shit out of the mother of their child for sex is one of the most infuriating, tone deaf, disrespectful things I can ever imagine. You're much better off.
Exactly how I felt about that post.
You’re so sweet! Wish you and your wife so much happiness
> Parenting means **we** are super tired and I know all about the hormones that come with and after pregnancy and how much that can impact your sex drive. Honestly, I think most of the guys who act like that ass don't do much parenting. *They're* not tired so their wife shouldn't be either.
Well said
God. Throw the whole man out. No use to you at all.
So many men honesty don’t know how to have a relationship. There are many things to learn and if you’re not growing as a person, your relationship isn’t either. I think many people don’t realize this.
I would need more details. Open relationships take a lot of trust and communication. There needs to be equity on both sides. I would ask questions like: Why is this being brought up now? Has something changed? How do you feel about each of us having another partner? Or is this just a you thing? What happens when those partners want other partners, too? I would likely ask questions about gender preferences and how we would handle testing for STDs. Is this just a sexual thing, or more like a full blown relationship? How much time will be allocated to this relationship? Will these relationships all be separate and distinct? If I had children I would ask about what, if anything, would be shared with them. If this discussion becomes uncomfortable then the current relationship probably needs to be reassessed and maybe counseling should be considered, if the plan is to stay together (open or not) Edit - typos And - thanks for the award!
Well written post, but if this came up late in the relationship then I'm on the "Eject! Eject! Eject!" side of the fence (having been cheated on in my marriage may have jaded me). I know exactly 1 couple that have a successful open relationship that's lasted (\~7 years so far) and trust and communication is decidedly the most important part of it (with a close second being clear and respected boundaries). If a partner in an established couple suddenly brought this up then therapy for the couple is in order at the minimum, and the therapist can broker this new relationship or repair the existing one... or as in my case, tell the partner that's being cheated on how to safely exit.
The replies to this response are forgetting that for some people, the very question of opening the relationship can make them unattracted to the asking partner on the spot. And we can all at least agree that no one should be forced to stay in a relationship if they well and truly do not want to? I’m not bashing this take, it’s great for those who don’t mind working through it. But keep in mind that others have hard boundaries regarding even asking to open the relationship, and that’s okay too.
Agreed, there’s no situation in which I’d be okay with an open relationship and if that’s my SO’s solution to whatever problem we had, we’re not a good match anymore. There’s just no way the conversation could go that would make me want to stay with them
The whole thread is full of "divorce immediately, no qurstions asked", noone is forgetting anything. >And we can all at least agree that no one should be forced to stay in a relationship if they well and truly do not want to? Well, obviously, noone is arguing that. But if your boundary is already at your spouse just articulating the question, maybe that also should be examined? Shouldn't a relationship be able to discuss the longings of the people involved?
Best answer I've seen, life is not black and white and there's a lot of nuance in every relationship, monogamous or otherwise.
Life’s allowed to be black and white on things like open relationships. Lots of people don’t want it, and that’s okay.
I was going to say this, I've tried it, I know for a fact that it's black and white for me, it doesn't work for me.
Everyone is “divorce now”… like, they wouldn’t have any questions? At all? Just dump a decade old relationships because they asked huh… go Reddit.
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Me too. If that’s they way they want to live their life, cool, but it’s not how I want to live mine. It would better to split up and we can both find have the lifestyle we want.
They already know who else they want to bang...they may already be smashing, and just want to make it "legal".
Almost certainly.
We’ve seen the down fall of Will Smith, after all.
From someone who's been there... this is the wrong answer. First you stay chill while you believably disappear all your assets and secure your personal future. Then file for divorce. One guy I read about (too late for me to copy unfortunately) found out his wife was cheating. He played the perfect cuck/doormat while she was busy having her fun. Unbeknownst to her, while she was super distracted he "developed depression and a gambling habit because of the lack of intimacy in their relationship". Every few days he went to the local casino and cashed out $5-8K. Played slots for a few pulls, had dinner at the buffet, then cashed out and put that money away somewhere not in the banking system. Did this till the 401k was empty, the accounts were empty, and the house had a line of credit against it. Then he filed for divorce. I did the "file for divorce now" and my ex, who loved blowing money, managed to take half my 401k and put me on the hook for a lot of her spending (including a week long Disney trip with the new guy and his kids).
I'm no lawyer, but that sounds like fraud on several levels - I'd be really surprised if that was a true story that didn't end in jail or at least a huge lawsuit. Not saying it's impossible, but I'd think the casino at least would be very happy to assist any investigation and might even take the initiative since he wasn't giving them much.
Leave. I have no interest transitioning to an open relationship and no energy to navigate all the challenges that comes with it.
No thank you.
That I'm monogamous, I was clear from the start I was monogamous, and if my partner wants an open relationship then it's clear we're nowhere near in the same page, we're not going anywhere as a couple, and we're actually done. Not trying to shame anyone, I just don't want to be with someone who thinks about banging other people so much and so often that they ultimately decided they're willing to try to sell me on the idea that we should agree they can do it while still being in a relationship with me and I should be totally fine with it because of reasons. See ya!
Same here! Before my ex and I officially decided to date we had a conversation regarding just this. Wanted to make sure it was clear I'm the possessive type and any form of sharing was off the table. This was mostly regarding threesomes, yay that bisexual stereotype, but did talk about non-monogamous dynamics as well. Non-monogamy can be great and if you are open to it can find there are a ton of benefits to it! But I'm not, nor am I comfortable knowing my partner doesn't feel the same way I do.
My ex gf did that a year into the relationship. I said no that wouldn’t work for me and broke it off. She fucks around with a handful of dudes and 6mo later she wants me back… big surprise that now she’s saying she’s not poly and trying to convince me that I’m her true love. Haha what a joke!! I ain’t playing the manipulation and gaslighting game!!
I would leave, question as to why just to get an answer but i would be done. Basically says to me "Hey, i want to have sex with other people." No thanks
No. That’s the kind of thing that should come up before marriage.
I would ask them why, listen, and determine from there whether to break up or say a cautious no and watch their actions. How they ask is important too. That's a very thin tight rope.
This! There is a difference between asking if something would be a possibility and deciding it is what you need to do. Worth investigating. My wife asked, and after investigation it turned out that it was not just an idle question but instead something she has decided is a core part of her identity and that there is a particular guy who she feels she needs to pursue a relationship with. Since I am not open to being in an open relationship, and because not asking until you are that far along is a huge red flag for communication, I have made it clear that we will need to go separate ways. But it was worth having the conversation — it could also be an abstract question where they are open to hearing “no” and accepting that “no” as the condition of being with you.
Adios amigo 🏃♀️💨💨
Instantly end the relationship. If you want to fuck other people, have at it. But I don't to and I don't want my partner to either. When someone in a committed relationship proposes to open it up, the count down on that relationship has commenced. I will not drag it out if someone proposes this to me.. it'll be swift.
It depends entirely on what their idea of an open relationship looks like. From my understanding healthy and fulfilling ethical non-monogamous relationships require lots of open and honest communication and high emotional intelligence. Most of the time when I see people proposing to open the relationship it’s because the already suck at communication and think fucking around will solve their problems. I would be open to it if we were to discuss the rules and boundaries within our relationship at length before anything happened. I would want frequent check-ins to see how each partner is feeling and see if any adjustments need to be made to the rules. I would also want to be in couples counseling maybe once a month or so with a counselor that support non monogamous relationships to help us work through any obstacles. I can definitely see the benefits of an open relationship but I can’t even find a man with an EIQ higher than a dog so one that has enough for an open relationship seems like a unicorn.
Thats a no from me
Talk to them about their desires/needs. And if we can't meet each others needs, then we seperate.
Nope and goodbye.
Frankly, I think you cannot go from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one. If a relationship will be open or non-monogamous, it needs to start like that and ensure both/all parties know what the nature of the relationship is. Or at least both be aware and open about an open relationship as a possibility. Im more open to the ideas of unconventional relationships. But if my partner and I were exclusive, but they changed from 'youre the only one for me' to 'we should open the relationship' i would instantly think they found someone else and wanted to be with them without feeling like they were cheating.
I’m living proof you can go from monogamous to open. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, it wasn’t an open relationship when we started but there are some things that we each want that we can’t offer each other. People change over time as has our relationship, but we’re both still quite happy.
Honestly, the way the system is going, this will become normalised because 3 incomes are better than 2.
Wait until the conservatives find out it's capitalism that's destroying the traditional marriage.
Time to find a new relationship again
Talk about why she wants an open relationship and then leave. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who wants to sleep with other people. If I’m in a relationship with you I want you and only you, if that’s not reciprocated I’m out
I think it's better to start a relationship as open/poly/ENM from scratch instead of trying to convert a monogamous one into that. Casual sex is easier for women to get than men (from the opposite sex, anyway) - so I think it could (and does) backfire for a man if he opens up his relationship: she' might get railed every night of the week from a different dick and he'll be left swiping right and getting nothing.
I say with respect that I don't think we're looking for the same thing in a relationship.
Nope. I prefer closed relationships.
Check to see if she has a brain injury. It's not in line with any values either of us have expressed or committed to, so it'd be a complete relationship reset from zero, with the kids as baggage. It would be discussed, but I can imagine at present how it would turn out as anything but a divorce.
Just tell who it's is, and let's get tested regularly. Do whatever you want. (We can have our little sides and such, outside the house.)
for me, personally, it’s a dealbreaker. nothing against open/poly/enm couples, but i couldn’t get comfortable with it and i don’t wanna be uncomfortable in my own relationship
This is a criterion that needs to be brought up as a feature at the onset of the relationship, not midway through it. Because: 1. There are reasonable expectations of exclusivity being the default feature of a romantic relationship. 2. It is an unfair burden on the person being asked to transition the relationship into an open one. It puts them into an untenable position whereby they CANNOT SAY NO without being made to feel like they are the one responsible for the eventual souring of the relationship. Let’s say they say yes. Is it truly an enthusiastic yes? If it is, then fine. But I suspect the vast majority won’t be saying yes and feeling good about it. Let’s say they say no. Then the dynamic will change. The person who wants to fuck others will still want to go out and fuck others. That doesn’t change the mindset that put them on the path to wanting an open relationship. So they’ll either just cheat covertly or they’ll stay faithful but will build resentment over the restrictions “put on them” by being refused to open the relationship. This resentment will eventually build and ruin the relationship. At the same time, the person who doesn’t want the open relationship will lose trust and feel less secure about the relationship and will also have resentment and trust issues stemming from knowing their partner wants to fuck outside the relationship. This will create tension and friction and ruin the relationship. This is what we call a lose lose crossroads. If you bring this issue up, the general understanding here is that this is a need you will need to pursue and you are willing to sacrifice this current relationship in order to get your way on this issue.
M (51, married 27, include dating - faithful for over 30)… I would engage in the convo and try and find out what they want. We both had limited partners before marriage so if it was just wanting to “feel another dick” or get more experience just for the sex, fine, I’m good with a full swap swing. But if it’s a “there’s this 20yo coworker that keeps flirting with me”, that’s a different situation.
Break up/end it I ain’t down for sharing while dating or marriage.
I would end the relationship. Have nothing against people who choose open relationships but that’s kinda something you have to establish from the get go. To me, asking this means you are not satisfied with their relationship as it is, and even if I say “no” and the relationship continues, you’re not just gonna stop wanting an open relationship. If we both want different things, it’s best to just end it before it gets ugly. I know girls whose bfs have proposed this, and after they were told “no” the bf just started cheating behind her back. So yeah, I would just end it.
I did not get in a relationship to share. Bye.
Parting ways instantly.
In my personal relationship it would be a red flag. We’re both very possessive meaning we’re still fairly early and insecure about the relationship. We’re less than a year so to have that idea pushed so early would make me feel very strange. In my eyes we’re still in the honeymoon phase and we haven’t seen each others worsts and bests entirely. If her and I were a few years deep, complete with unspoken trust then I’d simply say no and that I’d like to sexually experiment with her instead or her just having sex with others. Open relationships just seem like a recipe for disaster in most cases IMO.
“I want to fuck others but I want the security of you in my life as I do so.” Sorry but no