It kinda seems like everyone I meet and am interested in is already dating/in a situation with someone. I get plenty of connections on dating apps but they usually just stop replying.
Pro tip: If you are messaging someone on dating apps for more than 3 days, you are wasting time and not going to end up on a date. People want to go on dates on dating apps. Make plans quickly and if they're too busy just move on.
In my experience if I ask them out after a short conversation they’ll say yes but 9 times out of 10 they’ll flake when making plans or cancel on the day. Maybe it’s just me but I think asking quickly gets an easy yes, but when it comes to actually meeting up they flake because they don’t feel enough of a connection yet.
The worlds has such a weird disconnect (especially after covid) I think when people actually find a potential suitable partner, they freak out and use anything as an excuse not to commit
I’ve had luck from ones that have taken longer than that, but I will say that I have a much lower success margin with these situations. The key is to be non-needy/non-pushy and see where it takes you.
I've been like that my whole life. At first I thought I was too ugly and awkward and I was gonna die alone. Then adulthood hit, I got a little better at talking to people, very little boost of confidence and then I had some opportunities, but they NEVER go anywhere. I'm too awkward and uncool, I'm too boring, there's always someone better than me, I'm always the worse catch in the room. Everytime I've been with someone they either lose interest really fast or I part myself from them due to me just knowing it won't work. It's really hard man, the romance fairytale these movies sell us will be the end of us I swear
I relate to all of that, that’s why I try to get drunk really fast so I finally become sociable, a normal person, that’s pretty much the only time when I can speak to strangers easily
I don’t even want to meet any new people because I’m so burned out on the dating site scenario. And I’m tired of putting in effort with little in return
Same boat man, it's been 4 years now since her death after a 3 1/2 year fight she put up. We spent 12 years together and I still just can't bring myself to really go out there again when all I want is her back.
My situation is almost identical down to the number of years...I have a daughter who receives the majority of my time and attention when I'm not working...I'm just not ready for 'getting out there' again, especially when I'm still trying to figure out how to better organize my life.
As someone who was in your daughters position, thank you for acknowledging that right now, there's no space for someone new. My mom did that for me and I will never forget it. I saw other parents of half orphans date around and drag their kids through that drama of dating/relationships with half-healed hearts, as if losing a parent wasn't enough. I'm glad my mom took the time to get her shit together first and kept me on track when I needed it.
I think my life would’ve been completely different if my dad was more like your mom. We lost my mum to a brain tumour when I was 21, my dad met some American woman in a chat room within 4 months and was visiting her for extended holidays that summer. Then he spent our first Christmas and new yr without our mum over in the States and moved her into our family home a day after the one year anniversary. Everything had broken down by then and the wife-to-be was obviously in need of serious professional help. It was too much to deal with alongside the grief, so my brother and I just moved out as soon as they’d flown back to the US. Fun times, 20 years on and I’m still trying to unravel the trust/rejection issues.
The one thing that was so obviously missing there was time, there just wasn’t any. I was completely open to him having future relationships and my mum had even talked to us about it, but he seemed to go into a panic mode. He just needed to fill a void in his life no matter what, and that was obviously going to push his sons away.
It sounds like your mom and you guys get the importance of time, and you’re obviously absolutely nothing like my dad. I think he had to get a restraining order against wife #2 in the end, he’d been hospitalised a few times with mystery illnesses but waking up to her holding scissors to his neck was the last straw. He did much better with the third wife, they’re still together after 13 years and as far as I know she’s never tried to murder him. :) Sorry this got a bit texty, I wish you all the best for the future guys. I’m not sure there’s a right way, but it’s good to see it not being done wrong.
Somewhat the same, I just lost my wife of 29+ years Feb 26. Hers was sudden and unexpected, due to a blood clot making it to her lungs. She was 46. I'm 47, and have no desire to find anyone else.
Best to you friend; my husband passed away unexpectedly while we were on vacation 3 years ago - at the time I was 47 and he 53. …. I don’t wish this on anyone. Take care of yourself.
6 months for me since losing my husband, and I feel you. The loneliness is definitely something, but just not ready for something new and all the stress and heartbreak that would go with it.
Once, a whole ass Applebee's had to close 2 hours early because the dishwasher dissapeared early somewhere. It was my brother's birthday. Dishwashers are no joke.
The funny thing is the server said *"he stepped outside, said he'd be right back, haven't been back in over an hour, don't know where he is"*. I was like well damn, note to self, respect tf out of dishwashers, not that I never did. The fact that he shut down the whole reataunt by himself is insane
People act like it's below them or something. One thing a chef told me and got a lot of respect from me with, though, is that he was gonna pay me 18 an hour as a line cook (about 2 dollars more than I had been expecting in my area) because "everyone does dishes here, there's other things we might ask you to do, and I'm not gonna offer you 16 an hour and expect you to do 5 different jobs".
Usually, it's "I'm gonna give you a nickel an hour, and you should be thankful that we're asking you to do the job of 20 people because you're getting experience".
I'm just not ready for one. Biggest reason is laziness, probably.
The idea of being in one is **way** more appealing then the actual responsibilities involved in my current stage. Relationships take work, and I'm not gonna just half-ass it like an asshole when I can't guarantee that I'd fully commit. I'd just be wasting somebody's time and that's not fair to them. Plus, there are plenty of things that I'm already not putting enough time into that are way more pressing.
Yeah. I hear this.
It’s not necessarily that I’m lazy to get into a relationship and be with someone. Instead, after 6 months I start becoming “lazy” and want to do my own things by myself waaaaay more frequently and it’s pushed every girl I’ve been with away.
I’m probably destined to remain single, however I’ve become entirely content with that. Sometimes I do miss having a partner and the advantages of having a partner, however those reasons are purely selfish on my own part.
Partly blame being an only child with parents that both worked 60+ hours a week. I’m far from upset by it though, instead I cherish the fact that I can be nearly 100% content being alone
Agree with everything you and the person you replied to said. To add my own take, I also have enough friends in my city that there's never a shortage of fun stuff to do, whether it's a full night on the town, or just a chill night with weed and movies.
Being spoiled with a variety of friends who you can pick to do whatever you're in the mood for makes being single much easier. If I want to be alone and chill, great. if I wanna party, I have my people for that; if I wanna watch sports, I have my people for that etc etc.
Having a partner requires a lot more compromising, and with the amount of work and responsibilities I am dominated by throughout M-F, I'd rather focus on me for the weekend
Edit: I've been massively fortunate enough to be able to say I've lived in various major cities most of my life. It's helped with becoming natural at meeting people, integrating into social situations, and dating. I think the locations and what I've learned from them probably play the biggest role in being able to make a lot of friends and also being able to find fwbs etc.
I've never been in a relationship or even dated because of health problems since I was a teenager, but I feel like that's pretty much what I'd need to be happy. I only have one friend in my city to hang out with once every couple of months, so I strongly feel like as long as I had more company and more people to do fun stuff with, I wouldn't have much desire to be in a relationship.
Yup, it's all situational and case to case. I've noticed that most of the people I know that are happy in relationships don't have an insane social life outside their relationship.
Actually been dating someone for over a month and starting to get this feeling...
Having those thoughts in the back of my head that maybe I'm just not into them as much as I thought, and have been really missing my alone time to myself (Phone calls are sweet, but when they take up the entire evening and happen regularly it starts to grate).
Love is a chemical and comes and goes if you already have those thought with no intention of making it work together and want to do your own thing than my friend you soon will be doing your own thing
Edit just want to add for everyone here there’s nothing wrong with space and having you time you just need to find a partner that that aligns with, good luck and god speed to you all
My girlfriend wants to talk for at least an hour on the phone any day I'm not seeing her (barring an excuse like I'm out with friends all night). It's so tiring, I just want a break some days.
To you and u/Radiant_Fondant_4097:
Alone time is important and being able to have it is a boundary that should be respected; the same goes for the amount of time you spend on the phone.
Have you had a conversation(s) about this/these things with them?
I feel this. I'm not gonna waste someone's time just because I feel lonely when I know 100% that I'm not gonna be fully dedicated to them. I have a lot of self reflections and work on myself I need to do so I couldn't imagine bringing someone in to deal with that process of development.
Just got out of a toxic relationship where we both played our part in being toxic. I‘m currently working on myself so it doesn’t happen in my next relationship again.
From my experience -
Realize that I was half the problem. I wrote out on paper what our relationship was, and took a long hard look for what I did to cause problems. How i responded to her words and actions, how I didn't. What areas did I just plain suck or not even try for our relationship. What level of selfishness did I exhibit, was it more or less as time went on. Lastly trying to identify where our relationship really died VS just being together because it was status quo and because it was easier to stay together.
Once I had a few tangible traits on paper I went about trying to rewire my brain to be more aware of my words, my actions and how to act in a healthy relationship. I also talked to alot of people who have been married a long time, and kept an open mind about what they said.
Im still single and still working, but im close, am finding myself happy being alone.
Basically sums it up. And when I do end up chatting with a potential partner I completely space the partner getting activities so the next day I’ll wake up and “fuck I never got her number or ANYTHING”
Pragmatically speaking? Nothing really, maybe some internalised form of procrastination?
I keep myself decently well maintained mentally, emotionally, and physically. Career-wise/professionally, I've built myself up as a pretty well rounded person and although I've still got a ways to go, I'm decently stable with my currently established work-life balance. And I'm also a decently well socialised person who interacts well with the public, can hold a conversation, and decent at paying attention to social-cues and body language.
If I actually tried to get into the dating game, I'm decently confident that I could do okay for myself and my partner; but I guess I just haven't had a reason to actually take that initiative step...
Do you ever go through the cycle of downloading a dating app, getting 20-30 matches but aren’t really interested enough to message most of them, get bored and delete dating app?
I’m in a similar spot to you and I think the amount of emphasis placed on that being the main form of meeting new people has basically turned me off of the idea of dating entirely
Do you ever go through the cycle of downloading a dating app, getting 0-2 matches but aren’t really interested enough to message either of them, get bored and delete dating app? Overcome with another layer of existential dread,
Had to change a bit, but similar story, I think
I'm working on myself. I'm in no position to date anybody and have nothing substantial to give another person right now. I need everything I have to fix me.
Look up internal vs external locus of control. People with an external locus of control have a harder time summoning their own resources to shape their destiny, but understanding the condition is a good start to changing it.
Thanks you! I'm in the same boat where I don't love myself enough to even begin to share my love with anyone else. I don't want to bring anyone into this because it can be utterly devastating projecting that onto someone.
I'm sure you already know this and have been told this by other people, but I still want to say it because it's worth repeating:
Everyone is a work in progress right up to the day they die.
If you need everything you have to work on yourself right now, that's perfectly fine and a healthy attitude to have. Wanting to be a better version of yourself is respectful to yourself and potential future partners. Just remember that *you're allowed to be imperfect*, and what you provide to others is more than you consciously realize.
It's one of those things we know, and we'll say we know, but it's still helpful and validating to be reminded of.
When my family asked me why I’m still single, this was my answer. They insisted I shouldn’t wait, that I should still try to find someone to spend my life with. I’m sorry, but I live with my parents, I don’t have a job, what would I think of my theoretical SO if they were me? I’m not in a position in life to date. I need to be fair to my partner if I am going to have one.
My friend always used the analogy that someone in your position (and mine) are only half a bubble. If you were to find someone right now would only be leaching off a full bubble or join another half bubble to become whole, relying on them to keep yourself together.
Only when two whole bubbles come together can you build off each other and grow to become something greater. Sometimes you need to work on yourself for a bit to become whole again.
This was my approach right before I met my wife.
This process will help you learn what you want and, more importantly, what you don’t want. Once you’ve figured yourself out… you’ll be able to discriminate the other humans in order to find someone who naturally satisfies your own wants/needs.
Bro, there's so many people in the internet who seems to be the same as me but I NEVER see anyone like this irl. Either everyone is very good at faking it or we're truly the vast minority. I swear everyone around me are the bubbliest extroverts, or they're judt interest people that can hold conversations well and easily make friendships. Like how are people just like that I don't get it
That’s because we’re all here. The people with more social energy are out being social or whatever. If I have a day of socialising, I need a week to recover. I’m pretty extroverted and generally enjoy socialising but I can’t keep it up for very long and I end up slowly withdrawing from everyone. Every time. I can’t even hold enough energy to reply to messages most days.
Based on you coining the phrase “social battery”, im going to go ahead and say that your conversational skills are probably great
When you bring the new girl home, keep her in a separate room until your wife gets her scent. Then gradually bring them around each other, using a squirt bottle if they start getting aggressive.
Actually I may be thinking of cats.
Sometimes, when you start to introduce two cats to each other, they immediately react and bond. They rub up against one another, intertwine limbs and lick each other all over. Pretty soon they are inseparable, and neither one will ever sit on your lap ever again, preferring each other's company ...
Are we still talking about cats?
As a brit, I grew up watching 80s American movies and always wondered wtf, is a conniption? And what does it have to do with fits? I used to work with an American guy and he used to say it, but didn't know what it ment either. Also before doing anything that made a loud noise he'd shout "fire in the hole" he also couldn't explain why he did that, he just did it.
>absolute wobbly
As an American I have never heard this term and I love it. I can understand the general idea but can you give me a little more detail?
My wheelchair. I’m completely self sufficient and independent. I’m a moderately attractive 29 year old male, I’m in good shape and have a very active and athletic background. Girls simply won’t look past it and treat me like a human. I don’t identify as a wheelchair or as disabled, I identify as human, treat me like one..
Before I got married I TRIED to date a guy in a wheelchair but he had SUCH a chip on his shoulder about it and was very negative that he made it his entire identity. His accident happened back in his late teens, almost ten years had passed but was just still miserable about it. He needed CONSTANT reassurance and would just always bring the subject right back to it. I think in a way it was self sabotage or he really believed he didn't deserve to date anyone.
"you only want to date me out of pity"
"I dont' see what you like about me anyways, why bother talking to me"
"It's never going to workout you'll just get sick of me and want a guy who can walk around and do things with you"
"women just want to date me so people will think they're a nice person"
It went on and on and on endlessly. It didn't matter that I told him he was great, cute, funny and an amazing painter. He only tried to, assumed and accused the worst of me.
I didn't care about his wheelchair, I wanted to know what kind of person he really was, well I guess I found out. I never told him but have a friend ( another woman) in a wheelchair who I actually used to workout with at the gym all the time after she healed from her accident she continued to go to the gym, and she was so amazing, positive and inspirational to be around. She used to joke that there's nothing she can't do besides walking and honestly I believed her, she was into rock climbing, a writer and loved to explore nature, super social and could talk to anyone and make jokes all the time. John ended up just ghosting me, and blocked me one day nothing I did or said to him ever mattered.
John from Michigan I hope you're not so bitter, angry and sour anymore :(
Sorry to hear, seems like he still hadn’t fully come to terms with his disability and that’s unfortunate. Glad you’re now happily married.
Some people take life as it comes and keep “rolling” (pun intended) on, others just can’t seem to move forward and it’s a shame.
Many doors and some possibilities closed for me after my injury, but many many more opened and I’ve gotten more in touch with my intellectual side. One thing I learned is things could always be worse, be thankful for what you have.
I hope all the best to John from Michigan and I hope things are better for him now. Thanks for the comment and sharing your experience! At least you gave him a chance.
My sister is in a wheelchair. She had a lot of trouble dating, and then she got into her 30s. She's married now. Her husband is a cool guy. For whatever it's worth, he is not in a wheelchair. Keep hope alive. I hope things work out for you.
Depends on the age. I have a lot of living left to do (travel, experiences etc.) and I still want kids someday. I preferably want someone close to my age, but I don’t discriminate against anyone for any reason.
At the same time I couldn’t see me dating someone close to my parents age. Would seem weird to me, and age differences that are too big could lead to other issues I guess.
The lonelier I get the more desperate I get too, which is like a downward spiral itself. I also am trying to keep a hold of, and understanding of, my self value and not “lower the bar” too much and just take anyone out of desperation. It’s a fine line to balance, which also makes it hard to meet people.
I get it. I’m 38. Not your parents age.
I just read what you had to say and it occurred to me that I’ve never met anyone in a wheelchair and really wouldn’t be bothered by it if I did.
I wish you the best, you’ve got tons of living still to do.
I don't go to places where it is socially acceptable to approach women often. I hate loud ass clubs, don't go to many concerns, really don't go to bars much. I don't really have a friend group either. Even when I do go I don't even know how to do it. I can talk to them, but that never goes anywhere.
Sitcoms and tv/social make everything appear like it happens fast
Time in real life is a important factor
'Right Now' only works for people who have the privilege to choose and we all know if you have the privilege to choose, you have the power to wait.
life is crazy
A combination of having no clue how to meet someone or how to talk to someone without being a giant ball of nerves, and I'm pretty sure tinder uses my account to look for bots.
I am a high functioning autistic and have issues interacting with strangers. My looks are good enough to get dates with women I find attractive, but they are generally put off with my lack of eye contact and I'm unable to tell if they like me or not. I've actually botched quite a few dates where I thought they weren't into me, but I thought we'd make good friends so I stated so. They stopped talking to me after that.
Just got out of a marriage with someone I’ve spent 12 years with. I’m starting to enjoy my new freedom. I get to do what I want when I want. I don’t have to worry about explaining any purchases. I’ve been able to give up weed since I’m not around her. Even though it was a traumatic experience initially, I’m starting to thrive and my friends and family have noticed a difference in my attitude and anxiety. Even though she was a big part of my life and I still feel love for her, it’s becoming clear that our time together has come to an end. We were what we needed for that season in life. Plus I got an awesome kid out of it.
I'm incredibly content with my life being single, i have zero interest in having children or being around children, and dating now a days isn't particularly fun or interesting and it hasn't been for a long time now for me anymore.
Honestly,
I just don’t feel like dating right now. I’ve been single for awhile and I’m pretty happy with it. I get to pursue my own hobbies, I get to travel wherever and do whatever without anyone else’s consent to do so. Plus, it helps me save a lot more and focus on myself.
I always found that anytime I was dating someone, I’d soon find myself wishing I was single again. To me, that was just a sign that whatever relationship I was in would never make it off of the ground and because of that recognition, I’d end things pretty amicably with the other person.
Maybe some day down the road I might find a partner, but I’m in no rush.
Exited a very toxic/abusive relationship 2.5 years ago. Did what noone should and became alcoholic, daily weed smoker and let myself go, gaining 60+ lbs. 6 months sober now and working out several times a week, so that's something. I'll get out there when I'm ready.
Online dating is a shitshow. So much illusion of choice but you really have no freedom. The amount of effort you have to put in is not worth what you get out of it. I'm confident that I'll either meet someone organically or it's just not meant to be.
I am actively avoiding it.
15 years of being abused by a crazy person left me toxic overthinking and unwilling to open up again. Doesn’t help she’d hit me if I talked to literally any girl for any reason for 15 years. I get instantly panicked and fight or flight kicks off whenever I try to talk to a girl. Literally flinched when a girl talked to me at a concert weekend before last.
I’ll get there when I’m ready I guess. Therapy helps.
This is legit part of most people's problem. Most people seem to want someone out of their league, or they meet someone perfectly nice and compatible, but they aren't attractive enough for them, etc.
I've been on one blind date in my life and I immediately didn't like the way she looked and had made up my mind. She seemed nice enough but "not my type". Looking back, maybe we would have clicked if I gave her a real shot. Assuming she was interested at all, for all I know she felt the same way.
More than once in my life I've had a woman genuinely interested in me that I passed on basically because of her looks. I don't know what I am but I can say with certainty I am not in the realm of a 10.
i am not confident that i would be a good partner if i did. i also don’t have the patience required right now to go through the process of getting to know someone new in terms of dating. if the opportunity comes along and it feels right, then so be it.
Social anxiety and a fear of intimacy. Also, though I had a couple of relationships in my early 20's it's been about 23 years since I dated anyone. I don't remember how to be "that way" anymore.
I’m getting divorced after being married for almost 20 years. And I’m here to tell you, it’s an absolute shitshow. I’ve tried so many different apps, and the only ones who showed interest in me turned out to be scammers. I just don’t have the energy or the patience anymore.
I don’t want one. I might get lonely sometimes, but being single at this point in my life is healthier for me, I think. There’s always time to find somebody new, but I’m not ready for it now.
The simple fact that I don't have my life going where I want it to be going. I have one or two things I'm focusing my energy and attention on before I have any left to spare for dating.
I tend to overthink things a lot. I'm currently talking to a girl who I genuinely like and have feelings for, but I hesitate to move forward due to me overthinking on the notion of "is she the one?" When in reality I'll never know until I take that step.
Overthinking sucks 😂
It kinda seems like everyone I meet and am interested in is already dating/in a situation with someone. I get plenty of connections on dating apps but they usually just stop replying.
Pro tip: If you are messaging someone on dating apps for more than 3 days, you are wasting time and not going to end up on a date. People want to go on dates on dating apps. Make plans quickly and if they're too busy just move on.
In my experience if I ask them out after a short conversation they’ll say yes but 9 times out of 10 they’ll flake when making plans or cancel on the day. Maybe it’s just me but I think asking quickly gets an easy yes, but when it comes to actually meeting up they flake because they don’t feel enough of a connection yet.
The worlds has such a weird disconnect (especially after covid) I think when people actually find a potential suitable partner, they freak out and use anything as an excuse not to commit
I think that is just one of many reasons on why people are having a hard time with relationships right now.
I’ve had luck from ones that have taken longer than that, but I will say that I have a much lower success margin with these situations. The key is to be non-needy/non-pushy and see where it takes you.
This. Being non needy is everything *especially* for dating apps
I’m too shy and don’t meet new people, my life is a cycle of wake up university sleep and when I get opportunities I don’t take them
Yeah, i often realise i had a chance the next day....
Too real haha a girl talked to me in a club and I made the convo stop because I’m so awkward, I hate myself sometimes
I've been like that my whole life. At first I thought I was too ugly and awkward and I was gonna die alone. Then adulthood hit, I got a little better at talking to people, very little boost of confidence and then I had some opportunities, but they NEVER go anywhere. I'm too awkward and uncool, I'm too boring, there's always someone better than me, I'm always the worse catch in the room. Everytime I've been with someone they either lose interest really fast or I part myself from them due to me just knowing it won't work. It's really hard man, the romance fairytale these movies sell us will be the end of us I swear
I relate to all of that, that’s why I try to get drunk really fast so I finally become sociable, a normal person, that’s pretty much the only time when I can speak to strangers easily
Right on. I'm actually what you would call a normal person when drunk, the only time I feel like a damn human being
Gawddamn boys.
I rarely meet new people. Even if I meet, chances that we are compatible is very low
I don’t even want to meet any new people because I’m so burned out on the dating site scenario. And I’m tired of putting in effort with little in return
Fear
Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side
The dark sides got cool powers!
[удалено]
I just lost my wife after years of illness have no desire for another relationship.
Same boat man, it's been 4 years now since her death after a 3 1/2 year fight she put up. We spent 12 years together and I still just can't bring myself to really go out there again when all I want is her back.
My situation is almost identical down to the number of years...I have a daughter who receives the majority of my time and attention when I'm not working...I'm just not ready for 'getting out there' again, especially when I'm still trying to figure out how to better organize my life.
As someone who was in your daughters position, thank you for acknowledging that right now, there's no space for someone new. My mom did that for me and I will never forget it. I saw other parents of half orphans date around and drag their kids through that drama of dating/relationships with half-healed hearts, as if losing a parent wasn't enough. I'm glad my mom took the time to get her shit together first and kept me on track when I needed it.
I think my life would’ve been completely different if my dad was more like your mom. We lost my mum to a brain tumour when I was 21, my dad met some American woman in a chat room within 4 months and was visiting her for extended holidays that summer. Then he spent our first Christmas and new yr without our mum over in the States and moved her into our family home a day after the one year anniversary. Everything had broken down by then and the wife-to-be was obviously in need of serious professional help. It was too much to deal with alongside the grief, so my brother and I just moved out as soon as they’d flown back to the US. Fun times, 20 years on and I’m still trying to unravel the trust/rejection issues. The one thing that was so obviously missing there was time, there just wasn’t any. I was completely open to him having future relationships and my mum had even talked to us about it, but he seemed to go into a panic mode. He just needed to fill a void in his life no matter what, and that was obviously going to push his sons away. It sounds like your mom and you guys get the importance of time, and you’re obviously absolutely nothing like my dad. I think he had to get a restraining order against wife #2 in the end, he’d been hospitalised a few times with mystery illnesses but waking up to her holding scissors to his neck was the last straw. He did much better with the third wife, they’re still together after 13 years and as far as I know she’s never tried to murder him. :) Sorry this got a bit texty, I wish you all the best for the future guys. I’m not sure there’s a right way, but it’s good to see it not being done wrong.
Somewhat the same, I just lost my wife of 29+ years Feb 26. Hers was sudden and unexpected, due to a blood clot making it to her lungs. She was 46. I'm 47, and have no desire to find anyone else.
Best to you friend; my husband passed away unexpectedly while we were on vacation 3 years ago - at the time I was 47 and he 53. …. I don’t wish this on anyone. Take care of yourself.
6 months for me since losing my husband, and I feel you. The loneliness is definitely something, but just not ready for something new and all the stress and heartbreak that would go with it.
My condolences :(
Being a 62-year-old dishwasher with no money.
You're not a dishwasher, you're the head of logistics and sanitation.
Porcelain inspector
Underwater ceramics technician
Food safety inspection specialist
Head of bacteria elimination department
Head of the Microbial Elimination Squad
Food Service Laundering and Disposal Technician
Hazards Solutions Engineer
Yea, you are an essential part of the business. People would literally starve without you
Once, a whole ass Applebee's had to close 2 hours early because the dishwasher dissapeared early somewhere. It was my brother's birthday. Dishwashers are no joke.
They were behind the dumpster in the back, smoking weed. Source: used to be dishwasher
The funny thing is the server said *"he stepped outside, said he'd be right back, haven't been back in over an hour, don't know where he is"*. I was like well damn, note to self, respect tf out of dishwashers, not that I never did. The fact that he shut down the whole reataunt by himself is insane
The fact that nobody else was willing to step up and wash some dishes is insane.
People act like it's below them or something. One thing a chef told me and got a lot of respect from me with, though, is that he was gonna pay me 18 an hour as a line cook (about 2 dollars more than I had been expecting in my area) because "everyone does dishes here, there's other things we might ask you to do, and I'm not gonna offer you 16 an hour and expect you to do 5 different jobs". Usually, it's "I'm gonna give you a nickel an hour, and you should be thankful that we're asking you to do the job of 20 people because you're getting experience".
Hydrostatic sanitation technician I would always tell people..😁
I met my current partner while I was a dishwasher. There are people out there for everyone. Don't focus on what you don't have.
You mean a hard worker? I honestly wouldn't blink an eye, you work the same as anyone. Stay positive and you'll find the right one.
Thanks. Not really hard, just degrading sometimes.
I'm just not ready for one. Biggest reason is laziness, probably. The idea of being in one is **way** more appealing then the actual responsibilities involved in my current stage. Relationships take work, and I'm not gonna just half-ass it like an asshole when I can't guarantee that I'd fully commit. I'd just be wasting somebody's time and that's not fair to them. Plus, there are plenty of things that I'm already not putting enough time into that are way more pressing.
Yeah. I hear this. It’s not necessarily that I’m lazy to get into a relationship and be with someone. Instead, after 6 months I start becoming “lazy” and want to do my own things by myself waaaaay more frequently and it’s pushed every girl I’ve been with away. I’m probably destined to remain single, however I’ve become entirely content with that. Sometimes I do miss having a partner and the advantages of having a partner, however those reasons are purely selfish on my own part. Partly blame being an only child with parents that both worked 60+ hours a week. I’m far from upset by it though, instead I cherish the fact that I can be nearly 100% content being alone
Agree with everything you and the person you replied to said. To add my own take, I also have enough friends in my city that there's never a shortage of fun stuff to do, whether it's a full night on the town, or just a chill night with weed and movies. Being spoiled with a variety of friends who you can pick to do whatever you're in the mood for makes being single much easier. If I want to be alone and chill, great. if I wanna party, I have my people for that; if I wanna watch sports, I have my people for that etc etc. Having a partner requires a lot more compromising, and with the amount of work and responsibilities I am dominated by throughout M-F, I'd rather focus on me for the weekend Edit: I've been massively fortunate enough to be able to say I've lived in various major cities most of my life. It's helped with becoming natural at meeting people, integrating into social situations, and dating. I think the locations and what I've learned from them probably play the biggest role in being able to make a lot of friends and also being able to find fwbs etc.
I've never been in a relationship or even dated because of health problems since I was a teenager, but I feel like that's pretty much what I'd need to be happy. I only have one friend in my city to hang out with once every couple of months, so I strongly feel like as long as I had more company and more people to do fun stuff with, I wouldn't have much desire to be in a relationship.
Yup, it's all situational and case to case. I've noticed that most of the people I know that are happy in relationships don't have an insane social life outside their relationship.
Actually been dating someone for over a month and starting to get this feeling... Having those thoughts in the back of my head that maybe I'm just not into them as much as I thought, and have been really missing my alone time to myself (Phone calls are sweet, but when they take up the entire evening and happen regularly it starts to grate).
Love is a chemical and comes and goes if you already have those thought with no intention of making it work together and want to do your own thing than my friend you soon will be doing your own thing Edit just want to add for everyone here there’s nothing wrong with space and having you time you just need to find a partner that that aligns with, good luck and god speed to you all
My girlfriend wants to talk for at least an hour on the phone any day I'm not seeing her (barring an excuse like I'm out with friends all night). It's so tiring, I just want a break some days.
To you and u/Radiant_Fondant_4097: Alone time is important and being able to have it is a boundary that should be respected; the same goes for the amount of time you spend on the phone. Have you had a conversation(s) about this/these things with them?
Just summarized my own life.
I feel this. I'm not gonna waste someone's time just because I feel lonely when I know 100% that I'm not gonna be fully dedicated to them. I have a lot of self reflections and work on myself I need to do so I couldn't imagine bringing someone in to deal with that process of development.
Agreed....cought.....upvoted.....same here...
Just got out of a toxic relationship where we both played our part in being toxic. I‘m currently working on myself so it doesn’t happen in my next relationship again.
Achieving this is the most difficult step. Self-Knowledge is key. Respect.
how do you go about fixing this?
From my experience - Realize that I was half the problem. I wrote out on paper what our relationship was, and took a long hard look for what I did to cause problems. How i responded to her words and actions, how I didn't. What areas did I just plain suck or not even try for our relationship. What level of selfishness did I exhibit, was it more or less as time went on. Lastly trying to identify where our relationship really died VS just being together because it was status quo and because it was easier to stay together. Once I had a few tangible traits on paper I went about trying to rewire my brain to be more aware of my words, my actions and how to act in a healthy relationship. I also talked to alot of people who have been married a long time, and kept an open mind about what they said. Im still single and still working, but im close, am finding myself happy being alone.
Got any tips for someone trying to get their own act together?
therapy keeping up with hygiene keeping a clean space sleep schedule
Social anxiety
Yeah this or social awkwardness, the inability to just have a normal conversation with people
Plenty of ladies also feel like this. Rest assured it's not just you!
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Same. I have no idea how to even approach a girl I like. My mind just always goes to the worst case scenario.
Basically sums it up. And when I do end up chatting with a potential partner I completely space the partner getting activities so the next day I’ll wake up and “fuck I never got her number or ANYTHING”
Is there a dating app for people with social anxiety ? If not there should be!
There was but no one signed up
Lots of people signed up, they're just all lurking incognito.
can't find anyone with low enough standards
Real
oh dear ( ˙-˙ )
You got an impressively wide face
Pragmatically speaking? Nothing really, maybe some internalised form of procrastination? I keep myself decently well maintained mentally, emotionally, and physically. Career-wise/professionally, I've built myself up as a pretty well rounded person and although I've still got a ways to go, I'm decently stable with my currently established work-life balance. And I'm also a decently well socialised person who interacts well with the public, can hold a conversation, and decent at paying attention to social-cues and body language. If I actually tried to get into the dating game, I'm decently confident that I could do okay for myself and my partner; but I guess I just haven't had a reason to actually take that initiative step...
I relate to this one the most.
Do you ever go through the cycle of downloading a dating app, getting 20-30 matches but aren’t really interested enough to message most of them, get bored and delete dating app? I’m in a similar spot to you and I think the amount of emphasis placed on that being the main form of meeting new people has basically turned me off of the idea of dating entirely
Do you ever go through the cycle of downloading a dating app, getting 0-2 matches but aren’t really interested enough to message either of them, get bored and delete dating app? Overcome with another layer of existential dread, Had to change a bit, but similar story, I think
decent
I'm working on myself. I'm in no position to date anybody and have nothing substantial to give another person right now. I need everything I have to fix me.
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Look up internal vs external locus of control. People with an external locus of control have a harder time summoning their own resources to shape their destiny, but understanding the condition is a good start to changing it.
Thanks you! I'm in the same boat where I don't love myself enough to even begin to share my love with anyone else. I don't want to bring anyone into this because it can be utterly devastating projecting that onto someone.
I'm sure you already know this and have been told this by other people, but I still want to say it because it's worth repeating: Everyone is a work in progress right up to the day they die. If you need everything you have to work on yourself right now, that's perfectly fine and a healthy attitude to have. Wanting to be a better version of yourself is respectful to yourself and potential future partners. Just remember that *you're allowed to be imperfect*, and what you provide to others is more than you consciously realize. It's one of those things we know, and we'll say we know, but it's still helpful and validating to be reminded of.
Thank you for that. I need to be reminded of that all of the time.
It's really good you understand that though! I hope your healing journey is fulfilling in its own right!
Thank you. It's been a rough road, but I'll get there.
When my family asked me why I’m still single, this was my answer. They insisted I shouldn’t wait, that I should still try to find someone to spend my life with. I’m sorry, but I live with my parents, I don’t have a job, what would I think of my theoretical SO if they were me? I’m not in a position in life to date. I need to be fair to my partner if I am going to have one.
Same, recently broke up. I feel like I am not ready for any kind of relationship
My friend always used the analogy that someone in your position (and mine) are only half a bubble. If you were to find someone right now would only be leaching off a full bubble or join another half bubble to become whole, relying on them to keep yourself together. Only when two whole bubbles come together can you build off each other and grow to become something greater. Sometimes you need to work on yourself for a bit to become whole again.
This was my approach right before I met my wife. This process will help you learn what you want and, more importantly, what you don’t want. Once you’ve figured yourself out… you’ll be able to discriminate the other humans in order to find someone who naturally satisfies your own wants/needs.
My pathetic social battery and conversational skills.
\* bleeps \* *Charge battery* Me: No. No, I don't think I will.
Bro, there's so many people in the internet who seems to be the same as me but I NEVER see anyone like this irl. Either everyone is very good at faking it or we're truly the vast minority. I swear everyone around me are the bubbliest extroverts, or they're judt interest people that can hold conversations well and easily make friendships. Like how are people just like that I don't get it
That's selection bias I think is what it's called, you don't see the ones that choose to not even be there.
That’s because we’re all here. The people with more social energy are out being social or whatever. If I have a day of socialising, I need a week to recover. I’m pretty extroverted and generally enjoy socialising but I can’t keep it up for very long and I end up slowly withdrawing from everyone. Every time. I can’t even hold enough energy to reply to messages most days. Based on you coining the phrase “social battery”, im going to go ahead and say that your conversational skills are probably great
Too many memories of my wife of 20 years who died last year.
I'm sorry for your loss :(
Don't feel like it
Imagining you in the SpongeBob tone now of "nah, I don't really *feel* like it." now haha
I mean my wife would throw an absolute wobbly if I brought a girl home
When you bring the new girl home, keep her in a separate room until your wife gets her scent. Then gradually bring them around each other, using a squirt bottle if they start getting aggressive. Actually I may be thinking of cats.
Sometimes, when you start to introduce two cats to each other, they immediately react and bond. They rub up against one another, intertwine limbs and lick each other all over. Pretty soon they are inseparable, and neither one will ever sit on your lap ever again, preferring each other's company ... Are we still talking about cats?
Yeah, my husband would throw a conniption fit.
As a brit, I grew up watching 80s American movies and always wondered wtf, is a conniption? And what does it have to do with fits? I used to work with an American guy and he used to say it, but didn't know what it ment either. Also before doing anything that made a loud noise he'd shout "fire in the hole" he also couldn't explain why he did that, he just did it.
A conniption is a fit of hysterics
>absolute wobbly As an American I have never heard this term and I love it. I can understand the general idea but can you give me a little more detail?
It's saying someone got very upset very quickly about something and also making a right display of it
“Chucking a wobbly.”
Beat me to it, I was just going to mention “My Wife”
Divorced with a 3yo boy in my mid 30s. It’s a minefield out here and my threshold for nonsense is way lower than my threshold for loneliness.
Threshold for nonsense is lower than threshold for loneliness- that is exquisitely stated.
Besides being ugly inside and out with no redeeming qualities, I’m not sure.
Have you tried showing them your bigharrycox?
* slow clap *
Lmao same
Restraining orders.
Ah I see the Mormons got to you as well.
Trust issues
My wheelchair. I’m completely self sufficient and independent. I’m a moderately attractive 29 year old male, I’m in good shape and have a very active and athletic background. Girls simply won’t look past it and treat me like a human. I don’t identify as a wheelchair or as disabled, I identify as human, treat me like one..
Shit that just sucks. I hope you find someone one day, and while it might not mean anything: My fingers are crossed for you dude.
I appreciate the kind words thank you
Before I got married I TRIED to date a guy in a wheelchair but he had SUCH a chip on his shoulder about it and was very negative that he made it his entire identity. His accident happened back in his late teens, almost ten years had passed but was just still miserable about it. He needed CONSTANT reassurance and would just always bring the subject right back to it. I think in a way it was self sabotage or he really believed he didn't deserve to date anyone. "you only want to date me out of pity" "I dont' see what you like about me anyways, why bother talking to me" "It's never going to workout you'll just get sick of me and want a guy who can walk around and do things with you" "women just want to date me so people will think they're a nice person" It went on and on and on endlessly. It didn't matter that I told him he was great, cute, funny and an amazing painter. He only tried to, assumed and accused the worst of me. I didn't care about his wheelchair, I wanted to know what kind of person he really was, well I guess I found out. I never told him but have a friend ( another woman) in a wheelchair who I actually used to workout with at the gym all the time after she healed from her accident she continued to go to the gym, and she was so amazing, positive and inspirational to be around. She used to joke that there's nothing she can't do besides walking and honestly I believed her, she was into rock climbing, a writer and loved to explore nature, super social and could talk to anyone and make jokes all the time. John ended up just ghosting me, and blocked me one day nothing I did or said to him ever mattered. John from Michigan I hope you're not so bitter, angry and sour anymore :(
Sorry to hear, seems like he still hadn’t fully come to terms with his disability and that’s unfortunate. Glad you’re now happily married. Some people take life as it comes and keep “rolling” (pun intended) on, others just can’t seem to move forward and it’s a shame. Many doors and some possibilities closed for me after my injury, but many many more opened and I’ve gotten more in touch with my intellectual side. One thing I learned is things could always be worse, be thankful for what you have. I hope all the best to John from Michigan and I hope things are better for him now. Thanks for the comment and sharing your experience! At least you gave him a chance.
My sister is in a wheelchair. She had a lot of trouble dating, and then she got into her 30s. She's married now. Her husband is a cool guy. For whatever it's worth, he is not in a wheelchair. Keep hope alive. I hope things work out for you.
… do you like older women?
Depends on the age. I have a lot of living left to do (travel, experiences etc.) and I still want kids someday. I preferably want someone close to my age, but I don’t discriminate against anyone for any reason. At the same time I couldn’t see me dating someone close to my parents age. Would seem weird to me, and age differences that are too big could lead to other issues I guess. The lonelier I get the more desperate I get too, which is like a downward spiral itself. I also am trying to keep a hold of, and understanding of, my self value and not “lower the bar” too much and just take anyone out of desperation. It’s a fine line to balance, which also makes it hard to meet people.
I get it. I’m 38. Not your parents age. I just read what you had to say and it occurred to me that I’ve never met anyone in a wheelchair and really wouldn’t be bothered by it if I did. I wish you the best, you’ve got tons of living still to do.
I don't go to places where it is socially acceptable to approach women often. I hate loud ass clubs, don't go to many concerns, really don't go to bars much. I don't really have a friend group either. Even when I do go I don't even know how to do it. I can talk to them, but that never goes anywhere.
Ugh clubs, the boys all looking to show off and all the girls acting like they're too good for you 🙄
Just some trust issues and with no one around me who is genuinely interested in getting a long lasting relationship..
Maybe it's just not the right time for me.
Sitcoms and tv/social make everything appear like it happens fast Time in real life is a important factor 'Right Now' only works for people who have the privilege to choose and we all know if you have the privilege to choose, you have the power to wait. life is crazy
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Exhaustion
I don't want one.
A combination of having no clue how to meet someone or how to talk to someone without being a giant ball of nerves, and I'm pretty sure tinder uses my account to look for bots.
I am a high functioning autistic and have issues interacting with strangers. My looks are good enough to get dates with women I find attractive, but they are generally put off with my lack of eye contact and I'm unable to tell if they like me or not. I've actually botched quite a few dates where I thought they weren't into me, but I thought we'd make good friends so I stated so. They stopped talking to me after that.
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Wouldn't exactly call that,"lucky."
Social anxiety
Just got out of a marriage with someone I’ve spent 12 years with. I’m starting to enjoy my new freedom. I get to do what I want when I want. I don’t have to worry about explaining any purchases. I’ve been able to give up weed since I’m not around her. Even though it was a traumatic experience initially, I’m starting to thrive and my friends and family have noticed a difference in my attitude and anxiety. Even though she was a big part of my life and I still feel love for her, it’s becoming clear that our time together has come to an end. We were what we needed for that season in life. Plus I got an awesome kid out of it.
I'm unable to meet anyone because I'm in a complete new city and working from home. Also I'm Indian so cannot approach random women.
Username checks out
Authentication Confirmed
I'm actively avoiding gaining a partner.
I'm incredibly content with my life being single, i have zero interest in having children or being around children, and dating now a days isn't particularly fun or interesting and it hasn't been for a long time now for me anymore.
Honestly, I just don’t feel like dating right now. I’ve been single for awhile and I’m pretty happy with it. I get to pursue my own hobbies, I get to travel wherever and do whatever without anyone else’s consent to do so. Plus, it helps me save a lot more and focus on myself. I always found that anytime I was dating someone, I’d soon find myself wishing I was single again. To me, that was just a sign that whatever relationship I was in would never make it off of the ground and because of that recognition, I’d end things pretty amicably with the other person. Maybe some day down the road I might find a partner, but I’m in no rush.
I just don’t care about it, I’m not actively searching but if I find someone I find someone.
I work better alone
the potential partner duh
I’m scared of attachment
I don't get out often
Exited a very toxic/abusive relationship 2.5 years ago. Did what noone should and became alcoholic, daily weed smoker and let myself go, gaining 60+ lbs. 6 months sober now and working out several times a week, so that's something. I'll get out there when I'm ready.
Self esteem and finances my friend
Social anxiety and to ugly for online dating.
Online dating is a shitshow. So much illusion of choice but you really have no freedom. The amount of effort you have to put in is not worth what you get out of it. I'm confident that I'll either meet someone organically or it's just not meant to be.
being ugly, weird, socially awkward also not having lots of money and in general being unsuccessful no matter what I try
Only want one, they don't feel the same. World keeps turnin.
Yeah I feel this, I don't really feel like it's fair when I wake up every morning thinking about how much I miss her and still love her.
If the names true, then her loss man
Me :( Just me in general tbh, things I do/like, my looks, my lack of ability to be social Stuff like that
My wish for freedom, the fact every relation I see around me is filled with regret and mistake
I am actively avoiding it. 15 years of being abused by a crazy person left me toxic overthinking and unwilling to open up again. Doesn’t help she’d hit me if I talked to literally any girl for any reason for 15 years. I get instantly panicked and fight or flight kicks off whenever I try to talk to a girl. Literally flinched when a girl talked to me at a concert weekend before last. I’ll get there when I’m ready I guess. Therapy helps.
I’m a 2 that’s got a thing for 10s
This is legit part of most people's problem. Most people seem to want someone out of their league, or they meet someone perfectly nice and compatible, but they aren't attractive enough for them, etc. I've been on one blind date in my life and I immediately didn't like the way she looked and had made up my mind. She seemed nice enough but "not my type". Looking back, maybe we would have clicked if I gave her a real shot. Assuming she was interested at all, for all I know she felt the same way. More than once in my life I've had a woman genuinely interested in me that I passed on basically because of her looks. I don't know what I am but I can say with certainty I am not in the realm of a 10.
I really really really don't want one
I seem to be some kind of aromantic
Short, fat, ugly and still emotionally unavailable 😂
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Social anxiety. I’m working on it though 🙂
i am not confident that i would be a good partner if i did. i also don’t have the patience required right now to go through the process of getting to know someone new in terms of dating. if the opportunity comes along and it feels right, then so be it.
Lack of interest
I don't like myself, I don't have any friends and I'm ugly as shit
Social anxiety and a fear of intimacy. Also, though I had a couple of relationships in my early 20's it's been about 23 years since I dated anyone. I don't remember how to be "that way" anymore.
I may not have that long to live.
Same here. Fighting two types of aggressive cancers. Both terminal eventually.
Lack of interest, cynicism, laziness and general misanthropy.
My partner
Same. *By same I mean this guys partner.*
It has been 20 years and don't know how to travel the modern dating world.
I’m getting divorced after being married for almost 20 years. And I’m here to tell you, it’s an absolute shitshow. I’ve tried so many different apps, and the only ones who showed interest in me turned out to be scammers. I just don’t have the energy or the patience anymore.
Fear of rejection. It's like you wanna ask them out but if they reject you you'll have to go the the same school for 4 more years...
Emotionally and physically unavailable. Just kind of shut down and focused on hitting the marks I’ve set for myself
Been out of a long term relationship for about two weeks and still feeling emotionally bruised
I don’t want one. I might get lonely sometimes, but being single at this point in my life is healthier for me, I think. There’s always time to find somebody new, but I’m not ready for it now.
The simple fact that I don't have my life going where I want it to be going. I have one or two things I'm focusing my energy and attention on before I have any left to spare for dating.
Too scared of saying something horribly offensive suddenly for no reason or choosing the wrong person.
Reddit
I'd rather play video games
I'm just not ready yet, and even if I'm ready personal circumstances do not allow
Being unemployed, recovering from bad depression and living with my parents I don't feel very attractive.
I tend to overthink things a lot. I'm currently talking to a girl who I genuinely like and have feelings for, but I hesitate to move forward due to me overthinking on the notion of "is she the one?" When in reality I'll never know until I take that step. Overthinking sucks 😂
My wife