As someone who has dated (and married) an older guy, they know what they want and they’re not messing around. No beating around the bush. And as another commenter mentioned, generally more mature in other areas of life (wow he knows how to cook and clean up after himself). And perhaps an assumption, but generally better in bed. And less insecure. Alright maybe I’m projecting my guy onto every other man of a certain age, but damn it’s a fresh breath of air.
I'm noticing this at 28, especially among women my age. I've always generally dated within my age group and I've been backpacking the last three years (so since I was 25)....
When I left the U.S. it was still about having fun but more people were looking for long term partners, not flings. My 2 years backpacking around southeast Asia was .mostly flings as that's pretty normal for backpackers. But I settled down for a year in Australia to save money and got a social group that was more people my age and not many backpackers.
It was like I was transported forward in time from 25 since the two years in between was spent around backpackers with a different mindset.
In Australia some (not all) of the women I was around were now thinking more about marriage and kids. It was kind of jarring. I'm still not used to women my age talking about finding a man with a "good job". It feels like just yesterday everyone was in college and finding stability was out of the question.
Wow are we the same person? I'm 31F now but I did the same shit . After college at 21 I flew to Australia on one way ticket and no plan. Ended up living there 3 years , then backpacked Europe and Asia one summer before applying for working holiday in New Zealand for a year. Then I moved back to the states ended up settling in hawaii of all places (during the pandemic as well, I lucked out) - anyways point of story is yeah, dating is fuckin not fun once you've gone out and explored the world. Hard to find ppl with similar experiences who can relate to the major events that changed "you" - also im really high so this post could be silly Willy
😂😂😂
They go from that party phase to looking for a retirement husband. Sad thing is that any provider that marries a girl ends up getting divorced later because he’s “boring”.
Damn if you do, damned if you don’t.
You technically did, but everyone misses out on most of what life has to offer, good and bad. Literally everyone.
Comparing your experiences to others is nothing but a source of misery. It's hard as hell to learn how to stop doing that, but it's worth the time.
You'll date when you date and you'll be happy you did it when it happens, and it will look different from other people's experiences, and their experiences will look different from yours. That's life.
Some people fall in love for the first time in their 50s and don't spend a minute complaining about the "lost years" because those years were spent turning into the person they needed to be, and putting them in the right place, to meet the person they fell in love with.
Are those really seen as such mutually exclusive things? I tend to have the most fun when I know the things around me are stable, so I've never understood why people feel they have to choose one over the other.
I mean, it’s literally about being honest and going after people with like minded goals.
The people I know over 30 in bad relationships are in bad relationships because one of them lied or weren’t “sure” about what they wanted when they started dating.
But the worst people are those who agree about the “wanting kids” situation under the assumption their partner will change their mind.
That’s part of what dating and relationships are for though, growing and figuring out who you are and what you want.
I get that some people start freaking out in their 30s because they feel various life pressures, but a ton of people still have a long way to go in terms of figuring out what they want from life and who they want to be. It’s fine not to be sure, just don’t lie, and don’t date people that need you to be sure.
My girlfriend and I's second date, we talked about not wanting kids. We're not quite 30 yet, but I've been clipped for several years, and she had her uterus removed a year or so ago. So, it worked out great for us. Lmao.
My first date with my now wife was both. At dinner we made sure the other person wasn't a serial killer and a normal person.
Then we went for a drink and she went down her checklist. The date was on 1/7/2021 so there were a few extra items added to the end of the usual questions
Modern dating is a shit show... it's honestly very tragic that connection has become so corrupted by tech. Or maybe it was always corrupt, and tech just made our worlds bigger.
Tech exacerbated it but it was really culture and evolving social culture. It's one thing to be free and enjoy yourself but another to only go on speed dating pre mobile online dating apps and developing all these mind games and battle of the sexes. Even dating profiles had people taking time to put shit up on their thing.
Now it's just a collection of the same several emoticons showing they like beer, food, music, dancing, and everything generic that every other profile has. You go through half those sitcoms like sex and the city and Friends and just observe the dating culture and how shallow it is. Mostly real relationships and TV relationships aren't the same but especially when shows like sex and the city got popular, it was just nonstop women comparing their lives with characters on the show and it's like... your life is NOTHING like hers!
But you realize it has always kinda been this way. Difference is in the past, you had the opportunity to impress your date. Online dating doesn't. It's just the most superficial part of dating, the most vain and selfish part all put into one. You saw part of this with speed dating. If you clicked with 5 women at speed dating back in the day, you're not gonna just date one after the event. You're gonna be so tempted to date all 5 and eat your cake. Well if online dating works for you, you're gonna be tempted but there are 20+ women. And if it doesn't work, it crushes your self esteem.
This right here. Once in a blue moon I download an app and update my profile and swipe a bit. Maybe I’ll even go on a date…but the whole thing is just so…exhaustingly futile that it doesn’t seem worth it.
Had a date with a 21 year old… I never aimed for it, but I didn’t think it was a bad idea when I got back on dating apps after a divorce.
Am 31. She’s hot, but.. we were sooooo far apart in what life is about.
So yeah, I raised that age filter by another 5 years.
So glad this story ends with him maturing.
I can’t comprehend people over 25 being comfortable dating someone who’s “legal” who was a child/not born yet when they were 18.
Hell, when I was 22, I went on a couple dates with an 18 year old I'd matches with on tinder. We got along well enough, but after a bit, even that small of an age gap felt weirdly noticeable. She was basically fresh out of highschool, and I was starting my career. Over 25 would be weird as fuck.
Not sure why this is, but I went from long term to long term with extremely few dates in between 18-30. I’ve had a disastrous time in my 30s, going from failed date to painful situationship (my first ever at 33yo, I didn’t know any of the rules or red flags or anything, didn’t even know what a situationship was) to repeated rejections. I feel like I got an awful crash lesson in how to date, and years later I’m only starting to figure out what to do or not. I felt as inexperienced as a teenager because I’ve never “dated” before and am still doing everything wrong and having a terrible time.
I'm really glad you shared your experience. I grew up in a pretty messed up household so I spent most of my youth surviving rather than socializing and learning. I'm 32 and never had a serious relationship before, and I'm scared that ship has long since sailed for me.
No definitely not too late! My best advice is to listen to your friends who have more experience. I resisted all their advice for too long, and looking back they were right every single time. My experiences had always been that date leads to relationship, and quite quickly too, so I truly had no experience. I remember saying how dating looked like fun, while all my friends rolled their eyes, how wrong I was.
aw I’m glad you shared your experience! i had a very similar experience growing up and dating has been difficult to navigate as a result. My dating life has been a huge education in learning to trust myself and understanding what my boundaries are. Finding healthy relationships has been hard, but I’ve been in a healthy relationship for a year now - if I can do it then there’s always hope:)
Same experience as you!
I was 15 when I got into my first 6-year relationship. 22 when I got into my second 6-year relationship. And 29 when I got into a 1.5 year long relationship. I have very little casual and/or online dating experience. I am currently single and I feel niave sometimes about the dating world.
For context this all happened in the last two days: one match had no full body pics and send weird selfies, when I said “hmm still no clear picture of you” he flipped out and blocked me; another said he had been scammed recently and refused to tell me a single concrete fact about himself, flipped out and blocked me when I said it wasn’t safe for me to not know anything at all about him; and now a match joked about being a doctor, then not being a doctor, but then he was a doctor again, and when I sent a picture he took the opportunity to say I’d gained weight and that I was the catfish (untrue, my worse crime may be I took an unflattering candid selfie). I am just so, so, so over it.
This is exactly the same for me.
20s was serious, committed relationships where both sides wanted to make it work.
30s has been situationships and uncertainty every fucking time.
I don't think it's an age thing. Honestly I think it's something to do with social media and the direction it has gone (tiktok etc). I can't really put my finger on it but the change is starkly different to me.
I don't think I'm any better in this regard either. I get enough matches, interactions and interest on dating apps but always just feel "mehhh" and lose interest very quickly. I think my mind has been warped by all kinds of instant gratification and unrealistic standards - and I say this as someone who thinks his standards haven't changed.
I'm in a similar boat except I didn't have any of the preceding relationships so I feel outright screwed. I can conceptualize about how a lot of the 'games' are played but I actively reject most of them for personal, moral, or ethical reasons, and I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for holding myself to what I think are the bare minimum standards.
I didn't stress that much about dating in my early 20s thinking I could just date when I was more established and people would be "more mature later on anyway."
Lol. Lmao even. I was a moron to think any of that.
I appreciate you saying this but I usually throw all
this data out the window. Because it happened 27 years ago. Times have changed and I think this isn't all that realistic anymore. Just my 2 cents.
I was 34, they were asking about being over 30, her tubes were tied, no questions about starting a family or kids, biggest questions for marrying, but you're right.
Nothing wrong with being a single mom.
Nothing wrong with choosing to date a single mom.
Nothing wrong with choosing to NOT date single mom.
Nothing wrong with chewing out people with disgusting reasons for their choice.
But it’s definitely wrong to get on anyone’s case about their dating preferences.
Also, note I don’t say single parents because strangely enough being a single Dad has a strong sex appeal whereas single moms are assumed to be single for negative reasons. Probably because men more commonly abandon their kids? Idk I’m not a sociologist.
Your last point is just the hypocrisy in dating. It's just like how if women sleep around they are viewed negatively and judged poorly for it while guys are praised. It is just how it is in real life no matter what the internet says.
As a man in his mid-40s, I find dating to be a mixed bag. The vast majority of women over 30 have kids. Something like 85% by 35. That isn’t a big deal for men who also have kids, but I’m childfree by choice, and I’d prefer dating women who are also childfree. This alone cuts the dating pool significantly if I want to stick with women over 30.
Beginning around 40-ish, I started getting more attention from women of all ages, especially much younger women. Call it “daddy issues” if you want. I’m not super-attractive or jacked or ripped, and I don’t have a lot of money; I’m just in decent shape, have most of my hair and look 10 years younger than my age (or so I’ve been told). While this might sound cool, the main issue with younger women is most of whom I’ve met don’t want anything serious at their age. I don’t blame them, since in a decade I’ll be pushing 60 and they’ll still be young at 35 or so. I know of some couples that have made a large age-gap work, but I’d feel a little guilty being with a vibrant younger partner while I’m physically falling apart.
Overall, dating over 30 (in my case over 40) has its pluses and minuses. It’s for sure different than in your 20s, when most people are single (or at least unmarried) and childless.
This is interesting. I am a woman who is a soon-to-be 50. I spent my 20s and 30s getting engaged then unengaged. I was a childfree by choice person and it was really, really hard to meet someone who didn't ultimately want me to have his babies. I have still never married, not that I am opposed to it, but now men around my age are either looking for someone ten years their junior or haven't yet sorted themselves into a place where their divorce or uncoupling isn't still a large feature in their psyche.
It's funny. My aunt said something to me years ago about finding myself where she did: career okay, money okay, home okay, and the men who come round find that stability appealing. Because now instead of my face and body (which are still fine), they're looking at my house, my pension and my health insurance.
As a newly divorced, near 40s gal... I'm feeling this. I feel so analyzed for what I bring to the table now instead of my looks, and it's so different and weird from the last time I dated
I’m a 35f and child free by choice as well. Most men around my age are divorced with kids or want kids and it makes it hard, so I just stopped trying. 🫠
I'm curious... If it were in someone's profile that they're a parent, but not expecting a new partner to ever take on a parent role, would that still be a no go or would the person be worth considering if other things piqued your interest?
How would that even work?
Let's say things get serious and you get married and move in together.
Is the new husband seriously not ever going to interact with or deal with the kids in any way? That's not even possible - the kids will naturally start trying to interact with him.
The only way it maybe works is if the kids are already in their late teens and preparing to move out.
Ah, I forgot about the relationship escalator. Marriage and/or moving in together is not the end all, be all. You can be fully committed to someone and not reside with them; and you can be fully committed to someone and not be legally or religiously attached to them.
I want commitment, but I don't need or necessarily ever want to live with a partner again. Divorce was expensive, time consuming, and took soooooo much longer than a breakup without the legalities would. My kid has also explicitly said he doesn't want another dad (his words, not mine). So me, I'm not looking for someone who is going to be a co parent. I do want someone that is comfy being around my kid, but I wouldn't expect them to take on a parental role if they didn't want that for themselves.
I made three standards that I expect everyone (including me) to follow before considering them as a dating partner.
1) Be nice. Don’t have to throw me a parade when I walk into the room, but say please and thank you and be nice to servers and waiters.
2)Be smart. Again, you don’t have to have a post graduate degree or masters degree in nuclear physics, but be able to talk with me and have opinions and a sense of mental acuity.
3) Follow through on what you say you will do. Whatever that entails, just be a person with integrity.
These three standards kept me single for years until I found the right person. People are remarkably lacking in these basic standards.
Online dating in general is just so much worse now than it was a decade ago. Apps have gotten progressively shittier over time as they've realized the best ways to drain desperate lonely people of their money while drip feeding them hope.
I moved to a new city at 32 after being in a long term relationship for the previous 5 years.
Dating was honestly extremely easy. I was attractive enough, tall, and without a lot of the baggage a 32 year old would have. Had enough money to live by myself in a HCOL area.
I didn’t have women tripping over themselves for me but I could have gone out with someone new every week if I wanted to. I didn’t want to date anyone with children from a previous relationship (though I did bend that rule twice for particularly attractive women, but yea not for me at the time).
The thing I learned mostly is that women do not have ridiculously high standards like a lot of men would lead you to believe. The bar was set at “don’t be so fucking weird dude” and “treat me like a regular person”. Problem is most dudes can’t even clear that.
I had a lot of success and gained a shit ton of confidence from that time in my life. I used to put up with a fuck ton of shit from my exes because the thought of being alone and starting over was terrifying.
It’s not anymore and if I had to re-enter that (married with child now, hoping I never do) I know it would be ok.
Thanks for your 4th paragraph. I’m always shocked by the “women are too picky” rhetoric online bc for me and my single friends, the bar for men is basically “please be nice-ish to me and have a socially acceptable level of hygiene… any job would be nice, too.”
Not saying women are perfect nor that men are garbage. Just that the “women are picky” thing makes no sense to me and I’m not sure where it came from.
Edit: I’m a little prickly about the topic this week. I was willing to go on a date with a fellow Redditor WITHOUT EVER SEEING A PHOTO OF HIM, and he still kept questioning me about it because “all women have a type” and “white women are picky”. Anyway, he’s blocked now.
Got better. As man in your thirties…if you can stay in shape + have money + a slightly cool life it’s light years ahead of being a random single dude in your 20s. Add in no divorces/kids/crazy ass debt…brother…you are the true 1%. Men’s attractiveness is generally based around some mix of social status + resources + implied protection/access to experiences. Women generally want someone who is ahead of them in life, regardless of age. As you age, this organically becomes easier as it’s generally true you have more money/power/access than you did in your 20s. You also know way more about yourself and what you like/don’t like in your 20s, so you filter a lot better. 30s/40s/even 50s is prime for men. In my early/mid 20s I wondered who all the hot girls my age were dating. I turned 32 and was like ahh haaa.
Same experience.
I was an attorney in my mid-30s, reasonably fit, and in a medium sized city where there weren't thousands of me like there are in NY.
I had so much luck that I started to literally get tired of it. First dates become incredibly boring when you do them 3x a week, and you start to lose track of which stories and which questions you've shared with which girls already.
It starts to quickly get exhausting. The sex is great, but the constant ping pong of rejecting and getting rejected intermixed with having to put on an endless show is incredibly painful.
Dude even in the big cities, it’s crazy. Once you actually factor in the amount of men who are 30-59, straight, unmarried, over 5’8, making 6 figures, no criminal/medical history, etc…it becomes clear you’re looking at a very small number of people. This doesn’t even get into whether someone is actually good looking or personally pleasant/interesting. I hear a lot of dudes complain about how it’s a woman’s world etc but that’s not what I see at all. There’s a lot of great women who just do not have access to the options they deserve in a sense. Men are struggling a bit as a whole and need to be uplifted in different ways than what is happening now but that’s another issue.
Relative to your comment, biggest thing I took away from dating a lot is respecting time. Don’t waste a woman’s time. It’s literally the worst thing you can do because, whether it’s fair or not, as a man you have more time. We can afford to be more frivolous with ours.
Hard agree on it just gets exhausting. It’s shockingly easy to have multiple hot partners a week these days if you meet the above criteria. It’s a total time/resource sink and I think does affect your ability to bond with people in general. It’s also some weird poetic joke where as soon as you aquire the power in your 30s to get many women, you’re hit with the “man wtf is my life all about” syndrome and start thinking about a family if you haven’t already.
(1) Men who were much older than me, 10-20 years, were coming on very strong, whereas many men my own age were more interested in younger women. I was very accustomed to dating within a pretty tight range close to my age.
(2) Generally, men seemed more insecure. There were a lot of bad dates where guys didn't want to relax and converse, they just wanted to make a big infomercial-style presentation about how high value they were or were likely to be or whatever.
(3) Many men used much younger pictures of themselves on their profiles, which started things off on the wrong foot, even though many of them still looked more than fine.
(4) So much talking about their exes.
It got a lot easier. When I was 20 something it wasn’t hard but it was exhausting trying to play games. I think I started just walking away from that somewhere around 26 and the results were way better for me. I found that a lot of women actually appreciate you calling them on their bullshit as long as it’s constructive and empathetic.
As you get older you get better at dealing with your own emotions and it translates to better behaviors when it come to dating. There was a short time before I got married where it didn’t matter who I was going on a date with I could have a good time and not feel the kind of rejection or self consciousness I used to feel when I was younger.
It’s kind of like an armor you build for battle in the dating world that you can’t be too focused on because at some point the battle is over and you have to take it off and build something better. That to me was a revelation. It’s easy to poke holes in dates that suck it’s harder to find someone to point out what you need to do to be better.
Everyone hates dating but I feel like I learned a lot more about myself doing it. Even the stuff I didn’t want to admit to myself.
Well, I stopped caring.
I also stopped trying to date. I accepted that I might not end up with anyone and that was totally fine to me. It didn’t matter either way anymore.
Then I met my now husband 🙃.
But I don’t think I would have met him if I had been looking and trying and hadn’t become confident enough to tolerate nothing less than exactly what I want.
If anything happened and I was ever single again, I genuinely don’t see myself ever dating again.
I’m a male musician. I met a girl at an event I was playing. She got the balls to ask for my info after my show. She’s a widow and it was her first night out. I was recently divorced and have a 2 year old (at the time we met). We’ve been together over a year and are very happy.
How did dating change? Well, neither of us knew what the fuck we were doing.. I got lucky since she was into me from just watching me perform. I FaceTimed her the next day. We had a normal dating relationship after that. The biggest difference in dating in my 30’s is the amount of baggage I have. Again I got really lucky. Almost like a divine providence kind of lucky.
Late 30's here. Most women have a real low bar and are happy someone treats them like a human being. But also so far all the women I've dated have been single for very good reasons. Sometimes you find out a date in, sometimes a year in.
I have basically decided to take the approach that I'm only going to put in as much effort as they do. My last GF came by and tried to give me a kiss because she was coming by my place of employment. I hadn't heard from her in a month other than her asking for me to give her a ride somewhere or the occasional text. I had to give her the bad news that we were obviously no longer dating.
I mean, I'll put in the effort, I'll show them and communicate clearly my expectations for a relationship. Set clear boundaries. Yet they're still surprised that I'll break up with them when they cross my boundaries or if they stop putting any effort into the relationship.
I live in a pretty small town. I've made my peace with the fact even though I'm supposedly "a catch", that unless I drop my standards to zero, it's just gonna be me, the boy, and the dogs. And I'm ok with that. Would a partner be nice? Yes. Am I going to be with someone whose version of a partnership is the other party doing everything? No.
38F here. Dating, specifically online dating, is exhausting now. Before I was married, dating was relatively organic - met friends of friends, people in the dorms, people at the bar... Really just met people in the wild and went with it. I got lucky in that who I dated I either worked min wage gigs with or they lived in my dorm. One of the dorm dwellers I even married.
Now that I'm divorced and vaguely trying to get back out there... Online dating apps are just exhausting. There's no winning - I message first, no response. They first, it ends quickly because they haven't read my profile. We exchange numbers, they ghost. Ugggghhhh. Struggling to even get a convo going long enough for the last to happen.
I miss the organic connections of my youth so much, and seriously wish dating were "easy" now like it was then.
Guy Same age, Online is trash now, in our 20s it was pretty cool but its been algorithmicized to the point its not worth it now.
And agree on missing the easy social groups in college and bars, nowadays I have to pop and advil and make my self stay up late and go to something to meet people.
Almost every cis dude I went on a date with in my early 30s had married their high school or college sweetheart, divorced in their late 20s, and was now having their wild 20s at 33.
Problem was I was looking to settle down for the long haul.
Alternatively, they were 50 and lied about their age and the existence of their four children and ex wife with whom they had a very contentious relationship.
It was, somehow, still an improvement over men in their mid 20s.
I’m on the younger side, but less drama, a wider dating pool (if you’re a man who’s been taking care of their health and finances), and higher quality relationships
Your standards are higher (hopefully), so you might not be dating as frequently, but I’d never go back to dating in my late teens and 20’s
Tried dating apps for 3 years, getting maybe 10 matches and 1 date. I've given up completely now. I've convinced myself I'm not worth dating and have embraced being alone 🙃
I was much more mature and clear with communication and, generally, the women were too. I had the experience to know not necessarily what I wanted, but what I didn’t want. So I was much more emotionally equipped to say, “hey, I think you’re looking for something I’m not”. Or “I don’t think this is going to work out”. I enjoyed dating women much more than when I dated girls.
I was more orientated to have a healthy experiement for both of us.
Before I always feared I wasn't good enough.
I always tried to be anything they wanted.
Being older I wanted to know what I wanted, too.
I still wanted them to be happy, but not on my expense.
Everyone has a past by that point and are largely less guarded and more comfortable with what they've done/haven't. I never would have met nor stayed with my partner I have now we're it not for our respective experiences teaching us valuable lessons.
It just got harder. There is no just really being in a convenient place to meet people or approach people as a stranger besides work. You have to pretend you like hobbies like running or biking until you make friends and then you eventually meet people who don’t really like that thing either but they go because maybe it is healthy for them. Maybe they do like it, I don’t know. But you just are kind of at the same place at the same time often. You start kind of flirting. Go on a few dates. Then you wake up and realize that dating is actually impossible because you do see and meet all those people all the time at the gym, or coffee places, or work, and you don’t want to be awkward so you just bury your head and keep to yourself.
38M, It requires more work and is faster. The easy availability of low effort social circles in your 20s disappears (college, bars, work), so you have to actively find social circles to meet people. The women I have met are often in a rush to find a husband and have children so if you don't seem like a match they will move on very quickly. On the other hand as a man I am much more selective in who I will consider dating since I have enough bad experiences under my belt now to know what I don't want to deal with.
I went from getting a few dates when I was younger to now not having dated in around 6 years and I have no interest.
The most beautiful woman could come up to me now and say that she wanted a life with me and I'd say ma'am, no thanks
Literally nothing. Women weren’t interested in my teens when I was figuring out who I am. Women didn’t like me in my 20’s when I was building my future going to college, music festivals and bars. And now they don’t like me when I’m in my 30’s building up my career. Never figured out why but I’ve stopped caring, only reason why I’d want to start dating now is so I can have someone to split rent with.
Folks not working on their shit in therapy.
Seriously. I'm a 45 yr old, white male, divorced twice, lost my child to suicide, and while I have had two divorces and a handful of relationships... I haven't remarried since 2010. Therapy and accountability is a must for me for any woman I date or get into a relationship of any kind. I'm now in the box of if I date younger, they better not want kids, if they already have kids... there's gonna be a long talk about boundaries and expectations.
All around, once you're 30 and older, best focus on working on your issues and traumas so that your relationships thrive. Don't go whoring around, bed to bed, trying to find someone to fill a void you haven't bothered to heal.
You come across a vast number of people who are still searching for the “perfect” partner and all these years later still have a checklist to adhere too (usually 6 figures, 6 pack, 6 foot, huge dick, etc etc).
it stopped happening.
Instead I run into someone I already know IRL or online and we meet up and fuck for a while then we both realize we have to get back to our adult lives. Dating? Like asking a girl out and going to a restaurant or something. People still do that?
As a fit and tall dude in his late 30's:
* Women in their early and mid twenties now show a level of interest and pursuit that makes me uncomfortable. These are the same type of women that never would have looked twice at me when I was in my twenties and they're women that I would have considered way out of my league at that age.
* Women that are my age are definitely more intelligent but they have soooo much emotional baggage that it's difficult to navigate and even that's assuming they don't want 250% commitment day one because they have children.
* Older women seem to hold grudges in a way that I would consider to be debilitating to living a happy life but... that's their journey, not mine.
Both age groups are in the phase of - I deserve "x"... and you're gonna recognize how great I am or i'm just gonna leave you. Both groups take it personally when you tell them that they're being narcissistic and that they need to be pragmatic about a relationship and realize that a relationship is about give and take and that there will be highs and lows.
The girl that I'm currently going out with at the moment is much more mature than anyone before. For better or for worse, they know what they want and they're not afraid to tell you.
On the flip side, she's super chill and just wants to enjoy things instead of being worried about their social life.
Got out of a long term relationship around 31. Had my “dirty thirties.” It’s like they say, dating power dynamics change for traditional hetero relationships. Lots of options, lots of fun….
I’ve been single 2 years in my thirties and those were the easiest dates of my life. I got my shit together, knew myself way better than ever and didn’t complex about dumb physical attributes that I thought made me ugly.
I’ve dated girls a little bit younger than me and a few older ones (24 to 40 something) and one thing that I’ve noticed is that guys in their 20’s are a fuckin’ mess when it comes to dating. Met my gf almost 4 years ago too.
I'm 27 and have never had a relationship. I'm more focused on getting my life together than complicating it with another person even though I want to date. I just don't have the social drive to go out and meet people.
my ex dumped me 3 weeks before my 30th birthday. i never had trouble getting matches on dating apps before meeting her, and in those three weeks before my birthday i had no trouble. the day i turned 30, however, my matches decreased by at least 90%.
43M and ended a marriage year. I’ve dipped my toe in the dating pool here and there and it’s been a ton of fun. I’ve gotten more attention for women than at any point in my life. I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and that gives me a lot of confidence.
But, the biggest lessons I’ve learned? If it doesn’t work out with one there will always be someone else. This mind set let’s me take it as it comes while in the past I was always an anxious mess worrying about her feeling the same about me.
I met my FH right before I turned 30. We both weren't really looking and just happened to get set up by some of his friends. We just kinda hung out then hung out more, then hung out even more. He said he liked me and I realized I liked him too and that was kinda it. It was way more chill for me. Which in hindsight might be out of the norm for people my age
After a 20+ year break, I started dating again a few years ago. It's rewarding, largely because I have way fewer fucks to give.
That most certainly doesn't mean I don't care about folks I'm dating. It means that I'm less afraid of (and more willing to accept a little discomfort when) communicating honestly and making meaningful decisions instead of choosing whatever path involves the least conflict. Fortunately, the same also applies to the folks I'm dating as well. It's a deal-breaker if they aren't able to be open and honest.
I'm able to have important conversations that I would have dodged in my 20s. I still struggle identifying what I want sometimes but I've gotten better at narrowing it down and sharing the thoughts along the way. I'm more able to make difficult decisions - and communicate them - even when the right choice involves some hard work. I'm more willing to listen, less eager to judge, and have learned how to disagree without trying to "win." I've learned when not to try to solve the problem someone has shared (if ever in doubt, just say, "That sucks and you deserve better"). I absolutely do _not_ always succeed in these things, but I'm more able to recover without beating myself up over it or blaming others.
I'm a reasonably hairless primate at best. I'm not claiming to have ascended to some form of enlightenment. I feel it inherently comes from having more experiences to draw from. 20-something me absolutely had no chance of pulling most of that off. I just hadn't lived enough to learn how to express what I felt and feel safe doing so.
I'm in my late 30s, widow and have a teenager. I gave up on dating as quickly as I started as I seem to attract men in their 50s and it's not quite what I'm looking for!! For now I'm focusing on my career and house plants and if I'm lucky to find love again, I'll embrace it, if not, I'm happy in the memory. In the meantime people's dating horror stories are great reads!! I also felt I was 'too complicated' for the dating game as not many my age have had similar experiences as me, which is probably why the older man was interested! All I know is that dating is F'ed up and a minefield!
Everyone seems afraid to say what they want (a family, specific goals of partnership/relationship dynamics), or they're afraid to tell you what they have (divorce, kids, etc.).
It's like everyone is fishing for raw materials that they can mould into sometihng. Which is funny because I'm mouldable, but I'm mentally like flubber and physically like a bag of tits.
Lot less bullshit and yeah if people are attracted to each other a lot more likely to just go ahead and bang on the first date. None of this “you won’t respect me” stuff.
I started to calm down a bit and relax on dates. In the past I would have been putting on the full court press to get laid. But as I got older I didn’t. Which, ironically, women responded to much better and got me laid more.
When I was younger, meeting people organically out and about was nice, we'd still form connections and have good communication. These days the online portion of getting to know people that are open to dating is a tad more complex, communication is dwindling as bonding is not as serious, in my opinion this is how it seems to me.
Sex got way better. Women were way more direct, honest and confident about what they wanted. They had all at least tried anal so wasn’t a big deal to bring up. Definitely were way freakier, sexier. Then again I’m 44… I don’t know what sex is like for the youth these days.
So this isn’t an answer to your question because I’m happily married in my (very) late thirties… but reading the comments now- it’s occurred to me why some new people I’ve met (through work, but then we hang out) seem to rattle off a bit of a resumé about themselves. I’m much more organic in getting to know people, so it seems odd how my new acquaintances are all like, I’ve done this, this and this and achieved this, this and this.
It’s all that online dating that has Pavlov’ed everyone into people treating new encounters as interviews. I find it so unnerving.
I’m a woman that’s maintained my looks, lives healthy and goes to the gym. Older and younger men still pursue me. I like that when you’re older, it’s expected to be more established.
Turned 30 at the end of last year. In general it feels like there's way more pressure on dating and that both parties analyze the budding relationship more
As a older gentleman in his 40s. It's not that easy and not that hard. I would say it's more in the middle for me. But what I really want is to come home to a Loving family and a beautiful home.
Women above 30 want a cash machine not a man. So if I had to chose on a money sink, I'd chose gambling or hard drugs, they are less harmful than women.
Stopped chasing. Got extremely selective and protective of my time and energy. I no longer tolerate any games or immature behaviour. You disturb my peace, you're gone. Incidentally, even if it doesn't work out romantically, if they otherwise are good people, more often than not they have turned out to be great friends and continue to be a part of my social circle.
I stopped listening to my feelings of infatuation and lust - stopped judging/caring about the shallow stuff that wouldn't matter at the end of my life - height, age, job, physical attraction (I mean initial attraction because I'm the type of person where sexual attraction easily comes after I fall for you as a person but I stopped looking for instant chemistry if that makes sense). I started thinking more about long term compatibility and if it wasn't there, I didn't bother wasting my time, even if yhe sexual chemistry was there. Do they want marriage and kids? What kind of relationship with their family would they want post-marriage (huge for me given my ethnic background)? Do we have the same social and cultural values? Life goals? Can we have a good time fighting? (My hubby and I frequently end fights in laughter - not always, of course, but the sillier fights definitely devolve into giggles). I also took things slower and stopped jumping head first into relationships. I took time to see how they treated their family, friends, strangers etc. A lot of the stuff I looked for in a boyfriend in my 20s was irrelevant to what I want in a life partner - took me years and plenty of heart break to figure out what mattered most to me, but it was worth it.
ETA - a huge one was that I stopped dating for their potential. If I didn't like who they were as a person and partner at that moment in time and didn't think I could live the rest of my life with them without requiring change, then i moved on. Some people can change - most can't or won't. It made dating smoother and less tumultuous once I realized this.
I'm a woman with no desire to have kids but I had a fucking blast. I still tell my husband (married at 37) that I want to date again because dating was so much more fun.
Both of us (me and my date) generally made great money so there wasn't this "want to meet your for coffee so I can see if you're worth more than 2 seconds of my time" bull shit. I got turned on to great restaurants, great drinks, fun shows etc even on first and second dates. More than once someone had tickets last minute so lucky me! The men were generous and mostly fun to be around and if there wasn't chemistry on one side or the other no harm no foul. This was all OLD.
I'm not any sort of hot either, I just wrote a really well written honest profile that spelled out what I'd enjoy and not bother with pinging back and forth let's just kick and see what happens. The ones who read it are the few that responded overall and they were wonderful quality men.
If I didn't have such an amazing husband, no fear of diving back in.
Edit too: accurate, full body and very recent pictures helped too.
Communication was much better. Both sides knew what we wanted, or at least what we didn’t want. Expectations were more clear. No more games. Plus the single moms had amazing snacks.
57M here!
Dating just got better with age.
I passed through the “let’s build a family”, raise children, divorcing at 45 believing I would be alone for the rest of my life, to “oh! I’m dating! Women like me after all!”
Currently I’m 57, almost 58, I have three partners (one for 8+ years, one for 7+ years, one 1+ years). Enjoying life sharing moments and memories with them, and a few more FWB, while also enjoying my time just by myself.
So, life can be great at 57! 😄
My last major relationship ended at 30, since then (35 now) it's mostly been flings or dating for a couple of months then realizing they're not who I want to be with
It's harder for me to actually fall for someone, mainly because I know what I'm not willing to put up with now, I'm also childfree and most people my age have/want kids or are married. It's also generally been harder to fall for someone else after being incredibly in love in my last relationship. Feels like I won't feel that way again
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Yep. 36, salt n pepper and can’t get away from women ten years younger. Old man confidence and stability is what they are after it seems like.
Don't forget money.
> 36 > Old man Yeah, sure
My 35 year old back agrees with him
Older men treat women better imo.
As someone who has dated (and married) an older guy, they know what they want and they’re not messing around. No beating around the bush. And as another commenter mentioned, generally more mature in other areas of life (wow he knows how to cook and clean up after himself). And perhaps an assumption, but generally better in bed. And less insecure. Alright maybe I’m projecting my guy onto every other man of a certain age, but damn it’s a fresh breath of air.
After a while it stopped being about having fun, and became about getting stability
So what do you do when you have stability? Fun is back on the menu!
I'm noticing this at 28, especially among women my age. I've always generally dated within my age group and I've been backpacking the last three years (so since I was 25).... When I left the U.S. it was still about having fun but more people were looking for long term partners, not flings. My 2 years backpacking around southeast Asia was .mostly flings as that's pretty normal for backpackers. But I settled down for a year in Australia to save money and got a social group that was more people my age and not many backpackers. It was like I was transported forward in time from 25 since the two years in between was spent around backpackers with a different mindset. In Australia some (not all) of the women I was around were now thinking more about marriage and kids. It was kind of jarring. I'm still not used to women my age talking about finding a man with a "good job". It feels like just yesterday everyone was in college and finding stability was out of the question.
Wow you settled in Australia vs SE Asia to save money
Wow are we the same person? I'm 31F now but I did the same shit . After college at 21 I flew to Australia on one way ticket and no plan. Ended up living there 3 years , then backpacked Europe and Asia one summer before applying for working holiday in New Zealand for a year. Then I moved back to the states ended up settling in hawaii of all places (during the pandemic as well, I lucked out) - anyways point of story is yeah, dating is fuckin not fun once you've gone out and explored the world. Hard to find ppl with similar experiences who can relate to the major events that changed "you" - also im really high so this post could be silly Willy
😂😂😂 They go from that party phase to looking for a retirement husband. Sad thing is that any provider that marries a girl ends up getting divorced later because he’s “boring”. Damn if you do, damned if you don’t.
As someone who’s 30 and never had a relationship or dated, I feel like I missed out
You technically did, but everyone misses out on most of what life has to offer, good and bad. Literally everyone. Comparing your experiences to others is nothing but a source of misery. It's hard as hell to learn how to stop doing that, but it's worth the time. You'll date when you date and you'll be happy you did it when it happens, and it will look different from other people's experiences, and their experiences will look different from yours. That's life. Some people fall in love for the first time in their 50s and don't spend a minute complaining about the "lost years" because those years were spent turning into the person they needed to be, and putting them in the right place, to meet the person they fell in love with.
Are those really seen as such mutually exclusive things? I tend to have the most fun when I know the things around me are stable, so I've never understood why people feel they have to choose one over the other.
Dating in your 30s: You switch from "What do you like to do for fun?" to "Do you even want kids?" Super efficient but kills the mood. 😅
My wife and I literally matched because I commented on one of her hinge prompts about being DINKS Lol
I mean, it’s literally about being honest and going after people with like minded goals. The people I know over 30 in bad relationships are in bad relationships because one of them lied or weren’t “sure” about what they wanted when they started dating. But the worst people are those who agree about the “wanting kids” situation under the assumption their partner will change their mind.
That’s part of what dating and relationships are for though, growing and figuring out who you are and what you want. I get that some people start freaking out in their 30s because they feel various life pressures, but a ton of people still have a long way to go in terms of figuring out what they want from life and who they want to be. It’s fine not to be sure, just don’t lie, and don’t date people that need you to be sure.
My girlfriend and I's second date, we talked about not wanting kids. We're not quite 30 yet, but I've been clipped for several years, and she had her uterus removed a year or so ago. So, it worked out great for us. Lmao.
My first date with my now wife was both. At dinner we made sure the other person wasn't a serial killer and a normal person. Then we went for a drink and she went down her checklist. The date was on 1/7/2021 so there were a few extra items added to the end of the usual questions
It stopped. I lost all interest and just want to be alone honestly.
A couple days of online dating can make you want to forget you ever tried.
I swear online dating might be the worst thing to happen to dating in a while.
Modern dating is a shit show... it's honestly very tragic that connection has become so corrupted by tech. Or maybe it was always corrupt, and tech just made our worlds bigger.
Tech exacerbated it but it was really culture and evolving social culture. It's one thing to be free and enjoy yourself but another to only go on speed dating pre mobile online dating apps and developing all these mind games and battle of the sexes. Even dating profiles had people taking time to put shit up on their thing. Now it's just a collection of the same several emoticons showing they like beer, food, music, dancing, and everything generic that every other profile has. You go through half those sitcoms like sex and the city and Friends and just observe the dating culture and how shallow it is. Mostly real relationships and TV relationships aren't the same but especially when shows like sex and the city got popular, it was just nonstop women comparing their lives with characters on the show and it's like... your life is NOTHING like hers! But you realize it has always kinda been this way. Difference is in the past, you had the opportunity to impress your date. Online dating doesn't. It's just the most superficial part of dating, the most vain and selfish part all put into one. You saw part of this with speed dating. If you clicked with 5 women at speed dating back in the day, you're not gonna just date one after the event. You're gonna be so tempted to date all 5 and eat your cake. Well if online dating works for you, you're gonna be tempted but there are 20+ women. And if it doesn't work, it crushes your self esteem.
This right here. Once in a blue moon I download an app and update my profile and swipe a bit. Maybe I’ll even go on a date…but the whole thing is just so…exhaustingly futile that it doesn’t seem worth it.
Preach!
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At least he learnt his lesson lol
Probably watched too much fresh and fit.
Had a date with a 21 year old… I never aimed for it, but I didn’t think it was a bad idea when I got back on dating apps after a divorce. Am 31. She’s hot, but.. we were sooooo far apart in what life is about. So yeah, I raised that age filter by another 5 years.
My parents are 10 years apart. Were they good parents? No.
So glad this story ends with him maturing. I can’t comprehend people over 25 being comfortable dating someone who’s “legal” who was a child/not born yet when they were 18.
Hell, when I was 22, I went on a couple dates with an 18 year old I'd matches with on tinder. We got along well enough, but after a bit, even that small of an age gap felt weirdly noticeable. She was basically fresh out of highschool, and I was starting my career. Over 25 would be weird as fuck.
"My friends and I are having this big party this weekend do you think you could buy the alcohol?"
i have been thinking of perhaps getting a cat
Same.
10/10 recommend. Cat came with the girlfriend but now I’m recommending cats to everyone
One to two cats is fine, but with three… tread lightly
They never disappoint ... Get one, or two ... :)
Not sure why this is, but I went from long term to long term with extremely few dates in between 18-30. I’ve had a disastrous time in my 30s, going from failed date to painful situationship (my first ever at 33yo, I didn’t know any of the rules or red flags or anything, didn’t even know what a situationship was) to repeated rejections. I feel like I got an awful crash lesson in how to date, and years later I’m only starting to figure out what to do or not. I felt as inexperienced as a teenager because I’ve never “dated” before and am still doing everything wrong and having a terrible time.
I'm really glad you shared your experience. I grew up in a pretty messed up household so I spent most of my youth surviving rather than socializing and learning. I'm 32 and never had a serious relationship before, and I'm scared that ship has long since sailed for me.
No definitely not too late! My best advice is to listen to your friends who have more experience. I resisted all their advice for too long, and looking back they were right every single time. My experiences had always been that date leads to relationship, and quite quickly too, so I truly had no experience. I remember saying how dating looked like fun, while all my friends rolled their eyes, how wrong I was.
aw I’m glad you shared your experience! i had a very similar experience growing up and dating has been difficult to navigate as a result. My dating life has been a huge education in learning to trust myself and understanding what my boundaries are. Finding healthy relationships has been hard, but I’ve been in a healthy relationship for a year now - if I can do it then there’s always hope:)
Same experience as you! I was 15 when I got into my first 6-year relationship. 22 when I got into my second 6-year relationship. And 29 when I got into a 1.5 year long relationship. I have very little casual and/or online dating experience. I am currently single and I feel niave sometimes about the dating world.
For context this all happened in the last two days: one match had no full body pics and send weird selfies, when I said “hmm still no clear picture of you” he flipped out and blocked me; another said he had been scammed recently and refused to tell me a single concrete fact about himself, flipped out and blocked me when I said it wasn’t safe for me to not know anything at all about him; and now a match joked about being a doctor, then not being a doctor, but then he was a doctor again, and when I sent a picture he took the opportunity to say I’d gained weight and that I was the catfish (untrue, my worse crime may be I took an unflattering candid selfie). I am just so, so, so over it.
This is exactly the same for me. 20s was serious, committed relationships where both sides wanted to make it work. 30s has been situationships and uncertainty every fucking time. I don't think it's an age thing. Honestly I think it's something to do with social media and the direction it has gone (tiktok etc). I can't really put my finger on it but the change is starkly different to me. I don't think I'm any better in this regard either. I get enough matches, interactions and interest on dating apps but always just feel "mehhh" and lose interest very quickly. I think my mind has been warped by all kinds of instant gratification and unrealistic standards - and I say this as someone who thinks his standards haven't changed.
I'm in a similar boat except I didn't have any of the preceding relationships so I feel outright screwed. I can conceptualize about how a lot of the 'games' are played but I actively reject most of them for personal, moral, or ethical reasons, and I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot for holding myself to what I think are the bare minimum standards.
I didn't stress that much about dating in my early 20s thinking I could just date when I was more established and people would be "more mature later on anyway." Lol. Lmao even. I was a moron to think any of that.
My standards are now extremely high. I was willing to overlook a lot of things when I was younger. Live and learn the hard way.
YES. You are now competing against my peace. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Yes, becoming unwilling to compromise has been hard and so so worth it.
Most women became single moms.
Dated one, married her, 2 daughters now had a father, father now has 5 grandkids, 27yrs and still going, wouldn't trade it for nothing
I appreciate you saying this but I usually throw all this data out the window. Because it happened 27 years ago. Times have changed and I think this isn't all that realistic anymore. Just my 2 cents.
I was 34, they were asking about being over 30, her tubes were tied, no questions about starting a family or kids, biggest questions for marrying, but you're right.
Nothing wrong with being a single mom. Nothing wrong with choosing to date a single mom. Nothing wrong with choosing to NOT date single mom. Nothing wrong with chewing out people with disgusting reasons for their choice. But it’s definitely wrong to get on anyone’s case about their dating preferences. Also, note I don’t say single parents because strangely enough being a single Dad has a strong sex appeal whereas single moms are assumed to be single for negative reasons. Probably because men more commonly abandon their kids? Idk I’m not a sociologist.
Single moms are also more likely than single dads to have their kids 12/14 days, so that might be a factor.
Your last point is just the hypocrisy in dating. It's just like how if women sleep around they are viewed negatively and judged poorly for it while guys are praised. It is just how it is in real life no matter what the internet says.
Even if that was true…what’s your point?
As a man in his mid-40s, I find dating to be a mixed bag. The vast majority of women over 30 have kids. Something like 85% by 35. That isn’t a big deal for men who also have kids, but I’m childfree by choice, and I’d prefer dating women who are also childfree. This alone cuts the dating pool significantly if I want to stick with women over 30. Beginning around 40-ish, I started getting more attention from women of all ages, especially much younger women. Call it “daddy issues” if you want. I’m not super-attractive or jacked or ripped, and I don’t have a lot of money; I’m just in decent shape, have most of my hair and look 10 years younger than my age (or so I’ve been told). While this might sound cool, the main issue with younger women is most of whom I’ve met don’t want anything serious at their age. I don’t blame them, since in a decade I’ll be pushing 60 and they’ll still be young at 35 or so. I know of some couples that have made a large age-gap work, but I’d feel a little guilty being with a vibrant younger partner while I’m physically falling apart. Overall, dating over 30 (in my case over 40) has its pluses and minuses. It’s for sure different than in your 20s, when most people are single (or at least unmarried) and childless.
This is interesting. I am a woman who is a soon-to-be 50. I spent my 20s and 30s getting engaged then unengaged. I was a childfree by choice person and it was really, really hard to meet someone who didn't ultimately want me to have his babies. I have still never married, not that I am opposed to it, but now men around my age are either looking for someone ten years their junior or haven't yet sorted themselves into a place where their divorce or uncoupling isn't still a large feature in their psyche. It's funny. My aunt said something to me years ago about finding myself where she did: career okay, money okay, home okay, and the men who come round find that stability appealing. Because now instead of my face and body (which are still fine), they're looking at my house, my pension and my health insurance.
As a newly divorced, near 40s gal... I'm feeling this. I feel so analyzed for what I bring to the table now instead of my looks, and it's so different and weird from the last time I dated
Right? Disorienting.
Interesting to read as a 31F. Thanks for sharing!
I’m a 35f and child free by choice as well. Most men around my age are divorced with kids or want kids and it makes it hard, so I just stopped trying. 🫠
36m, also child free by choice.
CorgiPilot. Love it. Haha.
Now kiss!
I'm curious... If it were in someone's profile that they're a parent, but not expecting a new partner to ever take on a parent role, would that still be a no go or would the person be worth considering if other things piqued your interest?
How would that even work? Let's say things get serious and you get married and move in together. Is the new husband seriously not ever going to interact with or deal with the kids in any way? That's not even possible - the kids will naturally start trying to interact with him. The only way it maybe works is if the kids are already in their late teens and preparing to move out.
Ah, I forgot about the relationship escalator. Marriage and/or moving in together is not the end all, be all. You can be fully committed to someone and not reside with them; and you can be fully committed to someone and not be legally or religiously attached to them. I want commitment, but I don't need or necessarily ever want to live with a partner again. Divorce was expensive, time consuming, and took soooooo much longer than a breakup without the legalities would. My kid has also explicitly said he doesn't want another dad (his words, not mine). So me, I'm not looking for someone who is going to be a co parent. I do want someone that is comfy being around my kid, but I wouldn't expect them to take on a parental role if they didn't want that for themselves.
Do you think it's really realistic to expect a permanent relationship with a permanent partner where you both live separately forever?
Honestly, less BS. People seem to have a better idea of what they want and are more interested in long-term.
I made three standards that I expect everyone (including me) to follow before considering them as a dating partner. 1) Be nice. Don’t have to throw me a parade when I walk into the room, but say please and thank you and be nice to servers and waiters. 2)Be smart. Again, you don’t have to have a post graduate degree or masters degree in nuclear physics, but be able to talk with me and have opinions and a sense of mental acuity. 3) Follow through on what you say you will do. Whatever that entails, just be a person with integrity. These three standards kept me single for years until I found the right person. People are remarkably lacking in these basic standards.
That third one is going to exclude an incredible amount of people by itself, maybe even as many as 80% off the bat.
Truth? As a woman, available men are older. The men our age are dating 18 year olds.
I am turning 34 I’ve never been so depressed by what I see around me
I stopped doing it.
Online dating in general is just so much worse now than it was a decade ago. Apps have gotten progressively shittier over time as they've realized the best ways to drain desperate lonely people of their money while drip feeding them hope.
I moved to a new city at 32 after being in a long term relationship for the previous 5 years. Dating was honestly extremely easy. I was attractive enough, tall, and without a lot of the baggage a 32 year old would have. Had enough money to live by myself in a HCOL area. I didn’t have women tripping over themselves for me but I could have gone out with someone new every week if I wanted to. I didn’t want to date anyone with children from a previous relationship (though I did bend that rule twice for particularly attractive women, but yea not for me at the time). The thing I learned mostly is that women do not have ridiculously high standards like a lot of men would lead you to believe. The bar was set at “don’t be so fucking weird dude” and “treat me like a regular person”. Problem is most dudes can’t even clear that. I had a lot of success and gained a shit ton of confidence from that time in my life. I used to put up with a fuck ton of shit from my exes because the thought of being alone and starting over was terrifying. It’s not anymore and if I had to re-enter that (married with child now, hoping I never do) I know it would be ok.
Thanks for your 4th paragraph. I’m always shocked by the “women are too picky” rhetoric online bc for me and my single friends, the bar for men is basically “please be nice-ish to me and have a socially acceptable level of hygiene… any job would be nice, too.” Not saying women are perfect nor that men are garbage. Just that the “women are picky” thing makes no sense to me and I’m not sure where it came from. Edit: I’m a little prickly about the topic this week. I was willing to go on a date with a fellow Redditor WITHOUT EVER SEEING A PHOTO OF HIM, and he still kept questioning me about it because “all women have a type” and “white women are picky”. Anyway, he’s blocked now.
apparently all the things that made it difficult to date boys my own age when I was in my 20's become very attractive in an older woman.
What were some of those things? Need a list of green flags to look for lol.
Got better. As man in your thirties…if you can stay in shape + have money + a slightly cool life it’s light years ahead of being a random single dude in your 20s. Add in no divorces/kids/crazy ass debt…brother…you are the true 1%. Men’s attractiveness is generally based around some mix of social status + resources + implied protection/access to experiences. Women generally want someone who is ahead of them in life, regardless of age. As you age, this organically becomes easier as it’s generally true you have more money/power/access than you did in your 20s. You also know way more about yourself and what you like/don’t like in your 20s, so you filter a lot better. 30s/40s/even 50s is prime for men. In my early/mid 20s I wondered who all the hot girls my age were dating. I turned 32 and was like ahh haaa.
Same experience. I was an attorney in my mid-30s, reasonably fit, and in a medium sized city where there weren't thousands of me like there are in NY. I had so much luck that I started to literally get tired of it. First dates become incredibly boring when you do them 3x a week, and you start to lose track of which stories and which questions you've shared with which girls already. It starts to quickly get exhausting. The sex is great, but the constant ping pong of rejecting and getting rejected intermixed with having to put on an endless show is incredibly painful.
Dude even in the big cities, it’s crazy. Once you actually factor in the amount of men who are 30-59, straight, unmarried, over 5’8, making 6 figures, no criminal/medical history, etc…it becomes clear you’re looking at a very small number of people. This doesn’t even get into whether someone is actually good looking or personally pleasant/interesting. I hear a lot of dudes complain about how it’s a woman’s world etc but that’s not what I see at all. There’s a lot of great women who just do not have access to the options they deserve in a sense. Men are struggling a bit as a whole and need to be uplifted in different ways than what is happening now but that’s another issue. Relative to your comment, biggest thing I took away from dating a lot is respecting time. Don’t waste a woman’s time. It’s literally the worst thing you can do because, whether it’s fair or not, as a man you have more time. We can afford to be more frivolous with ours. Hard agree on it just gets exhausting. It’s shockingly easy to have multiple hot partners a week these days if you meet the above criteria. It’s a total time/resource sink and I think does affect your ability to bond with people in general. It’s also some weird poetic joke where as soon as you aquire the power in your 30s to get many women, you’re hit with the “man wtf is my life all about” syndrome and start thinking about a family if you haven’t already.
It got a lot harder. My wife really doesn’t want me doing it anymore
Nice
(1) Men who were much older than me, 10-20 years, were coming on very strong, whereas many men my own age were more interested in younger women. I was very accustomed to dating within a pretty tight range close to my age. (2) Generally, men seemed more insecure. There were a lot of bad dates where guys didn't want to relax and converse, they just wanted to make a big infomercial-style presentation about how high value they were or were likely to be or whatever. (3) Many men used much younger pictures of themselves on their profiles, which started things off on the wrong foot, even though many of them still looked more than fine. (4) So much talking about their exes.
The answer is going to vary significantly if you’re asking a man or a woman.
It got a lot easier. When I was 20 something it wasn’t hard but it was exhausting trying to play games. I think I started just walking away from that somewhere around 26 and the results were way better for me. I found that a lot of women actually appreciate you calling them on their bullshit as long as it’s constructive and empathetic. As you get older you get better at dealing with your own emotions and it translates to better behaviors when it come to dating. There was a short time before I got married where it didn’t matter who I was going on a date with I could have a good time and not feel the kind of rejection or self consciousness I used to feel when I was younger. It’s kind of like an armor you build for battle in the dating world that you can’t be too focused on because at some point the battle is over and you have to take it off and build something better. That to me was a revelation. It’s easy to poke holes in dates that suck it’s harder to find someone to point out what you need to do to be better. Everyone hates dating but I feel like I learned a lot more about myself doing it. Even the stuff I didn’t want to admit to myself.
I gave up lol
Well, I stopped caring. I also stopped trying to date. I accepted that I might not end up with anyone and that was totally fine to me. It didn’t matter either way anymore. Then I met my now husband 🙃. But I don’t think I would have met him if I had been looking and trying and hadn’t become confident enough to tolerate nothing less than exactly what I want. If anything happened and I was ever single again, I genuinely don’t see myself ever dating again.
Women are 100x more into me than my 20’s.
I’m a male musician. I met a girl at an event I was playing. She got the balls to ask for my info after my show. She’s a widow and it was her first night out. I was recently divorced and have a 2 year old (at the time we met). We’ve been together over a year and are very happy. How did dating change? Well, neither of us knew what the fuck we were doing.. I got lucky since she was into me from just watching me perform. I FaceTimed her the next day. We had a normal dating relationship after that. The biggest difference in dating in my 30’s is the amount of baggage I have. Again I got really lucky. Almost like a divine providence kind of lucky.
Ask about general plans regarding occupation, marriage, children, traveling and other important topics for me before first date to save time))
I realized that when I pulled the money away the hot girls retreated!
20s: Living with roommates, college debt, probably don't have real job yet. That's OK. 30s: You need that shit figured out.
I cared less about physical features and more about character and hidden kinks 🤣
I got a lot less desperate for "someone" and stopped putting up with crap.
Late 30's here. Most women have a real low bar and are happy someone treats them like a human being. But also so far all the women I've dated have been single for very good reasons. Sometimes you find out a date in, sometimes a year in. I have basically decided to take the approach that I'm only going to put in as much effort as they do. My last GF came by and tried to give me a kiss because she was coming by my place of employment. I hadn't heard from her in a month other than her asking for me to give her a ride somewhere or the occasional text. I had to give her the bad news that we were obviously no longer dating. I mean, I'll put in the effort, I'll show them and communicate clearly my expectations for a relationship. Set clear boundaries. Yet they're still surprised that I'll break up with them when they cross my boundaries or if they stop putting any effort into the relationship. I live in a pretty small town. I've made my peace with the fact even though I'm supposedly "a catch", that unless I drop my standards to zero, it's just gonna be me, the boy, and the dogs. And I'm ok with that. Would a partner be nice? Yes. Am I going to be with someone whose version of a partnership is the other party doing everything? No.
38F here. Dating, specifically online dating, is exhausting now. Before I was married, dating was relatively organic - met friends of friends, people in the dorms, people at the bar... Really just met people in the wild and went with it. I got lucky in that who I dated I either worked min wage gigs with or they lived in my dorm. One of the dorm dwellers I even married. Now that I'm divorced and vaguely trying to get back out there... Online dating apps are just exhausting. There's no winning - I message first, no response. They first, it ends quickly because they haven't read my profile. We exchange numbers, they ghost. Ugggghhhh. Struggling to even get a convo going long enough for the last to happen. I miss the organic connections of my youth so much, and seriously wish dating were "easy" now like it was then.
Guy Same age, Online is trash now, in our 20s it was pretty cool but its been algorithmicized to the point its not worth it now. And agree on missing the easy social groups in college and bars, nowadays I have to pop and advil and make my self stay up late and go to something to meet people.
Almost every cis dude I went on a date with in my early 30s had married their high school or college sweetheart, divorced in their late 20s, and was now having their wild 20s at 33. Problem was I was looking to settle down for the long haul. Alternatively, they were 50 and lied about their age and the existence of their four children and ex wife with whom they had a very contentious relationship. It was, somehow, still an improvement over men in their mid 20s.
I’m on the younger side, but less drama, a wider dating pool (if you’re a man who’s been taking care of their health and finances), and higher quality relationships Your standards are higher (hopefully), so you might not be dating as frequently, but I’d never go back to dating in my late teens and 20’s
44m I have a hard time telling if they like me for me and not just my money.
It's your money.
When you hit 35, women may be desperate to have kids and get married. It is a bit scary.
The same is true for men.
Yup, had one woman scare me off because how hard she was pushing babies.
Tried dating apps for 3 years, getting maybe 10 matches and 1 date. I've given up completely now. I've convinced myself I'm not worth dating and have embraced being alone 🙃
It didn't. Still not dating.
I was much more mature and clear with communication and, generally, the women were too. I had the experience to know not necessarily what I wanted, but what I didn’t want. So I was much more emotionally equipped to say, “hey, I think you’re looking for something I’m not”. Or “I don’t think this is going to work out”. I enjoyed dating women much more than when I dated girls.
I was more orientated to have a healthy experiement for both of us. Before I always feared I wasn't good enough. I always tried to be anything they wanted. Being older I wanted to know what I wanted, too. I still wanted them to be happy, but not on my expense.
Waaaaaaaaaaaay better
Everyone has a past by that point and are largely less guarded and more comfortable with what they've done/haven't. I never would have met nor stayed with my partner I have now we're it not for our respective experiences teaching us valuable lessons.
Actually getting rejected. At 32, 1st girl I chased hardcore that didn't want me hurt me a lot.
There’s a whole sub dedicated to this r/datingoverthirty
a lot of single moms.
Two months after I became 30 WHO declared covid 19 a globally significant pandemic and the world shut down.
It just got harder. There is no just really being in a convenient place to meet people or approach people as a stranger besides work. You have to pretend you like hobbies like running or biking until you make friends and then you eventually meet people who don’t really like that thing either but they go because maybe it is healthy for them. Maybe they do like it, I don’t know. But you just are kind of at the same place at the same time often. You start kind of flirting. Go on a few dates. Then you wake up and realize that dating is actually impossible because you do see and meet all those people all the time at the gym, or coffee places, or work, and you don’t want to be awkward so you just bury your head and keep to yourself.
It's more seriouser
38M, It requires more work and is faster. The easy availability of low effort social circles in your 20s disappears (college, bars, work), so you have to actively find social circles to meet people. The women I have met are often in a rush to find a husband and have children so if you don't seem like a match they will move on very quickly. On the other hand as a man I am much more selective in who I will consider dating since I have enough bad experiences under my belt now to know what I don't want to deal with.
I went from getting a few dates when I was younger to now not having dated in around 6 years and I have no interest. The most beautiful woman could come up to me now and say that she wanted a life with me and I'd say ma'am, no thanks
50 now. I became invisible from 35-45. But at 50, OMG, I am now in high demand somehow.
Nothing has changed. I’ve never dated.
Went from dating to not dating. That’s how it changed. 🤷♂️
Literally nothing. Women weren’t interested in my teens when I was figuring out who I am. Women didn’t like me in my 20’s when I was building my future going to college, music festivals and bars. And now they don’t like me when I’m in my 30’s building up my career. Never figured out why but I’ve stopped caring, only reason why I’d want to start dating now is so I can have someone to split rent with.
It was the best dating years of my life. The sex was better, the men I chose were better, and I values myself wayyy more than in my 20s
Folks not working on their shit in therapy. Seriously. I'm a 45 yr old, white male, divorced twice, lost my child to suicide, and while I have had two divorces and a handful of relationships... I haven't remarried since 2010. Therapy and accountability is a must for me for any woman I date or get into a relationship of any kind. I'm now in the box of if I date younger, they better not want kids, if they already have kids... there's gonna be a long talk about boundaries and expectations. All around, once you're 30 and older, best focus on working on your issues and traumas so that your relationships thrive. Don't go whoring around, bed to bed, trying to find someone to fill a void you haven't bothered to heal.
I started thinking about sex less and getting it more.
its great.. i aged quite nicely, i have money and the power to chose who I want is on my side
You come across a vast number of people who are still searching for the “perfect” partner and all these years later still have a checklist to adhere too (usually 6 figures, 6 pack, 6 foot, huge dick, etc etc).
it stopped happening. Instead I run into someone I already know IRL or online and we meet up and fuck for a while then we both realize we have to get back to our adult lives. Dating? Like asking a girl out and going to a restaurant or something. People still do that?
As a fit and tall dude in his late 30's: * Women in their early and mid twenties now show a level of interest and pursuit that makes me uncomfortable. These are the same type of women that never would have looked twice at me when I was in my twenties and they're women that I would have considered way out of my league at that age. * Women that are my age are definitely more intelligent but they have soooo much emotional baggage that it's difficult to navigate and even that's assuming they don't want 250% commitment day one because they have children. * Older women seem to hold grudges in a way that I would consider to be debilitating to living a happy life but... that's their journey, not mine. Both age groups are in the phase of - I deserve "x"... and you're gonna recognize how great I am or i'm just gonna leave you. Both groups take it personally when you tell them that they're being narcissistic and that they need to be pragmatic about a relationship and realize that a relationship is about give and take and that there will be highs and lows.
The girl that I'm currently going out with at the moment is much more mature than anyone before. For better or for worse, they know what they want and they're not afraid to tell you. On the flip side, she's super chill and just wants to enjoy things instead of being worried about their social life.
It hasn't really. There are just less people, and they're older. Occasionally they've got kids.
Got out of a long term relationship around 31. Had my “dirty thirties.” It’s like they say, dating power dynamics change for traditional hetero relationships. Lots of options, lots of fun….
I never put up with much bullshit, but after 30, I put up with zero bullshit.
I’ve been single 2 years in my thirties and those were the easiest dates of my life. I got my shit together, knew myself way better than ever and didn’t complex about dumb physical attributes that I thought made me ugly. I’ve dated girls a little bit younger than me and a few older ones (24 to 40 something) and one thing that I’ve noticed is that guys in their 20’s are a fuckin’ mess when it comes to dating. Met my gf almost 4 years ago too.
I'm 27 and have never had a relationship. I'm more focused on getting my life together than complicating it with another person even though I want to date. I just don't have the social drive to go out and meet people.
If you're a guy teenage girls will think you're gross.
my ex dumped me 3 weeks before my 30th birthday. i never had trouble getting matches on dating apps before meeting her, and in those three weeks before my birthday i had no trouble. the day i turned 30, however, my matches decreased by at least 90%.
90% of the dating pool becomes single moms, batshit crazy people, or a mix of the two.
Checking for wedding rings before hitting on lol
43M and ended a marriage year. I’ve dipped my toe in the dating pool here and there and it’s been a ton of fun. I’ve gotten more attention for women than at any point in my life. I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and that gives me a lot of confidence. But, the biggest lessons I’ve learned? If it doesn’t work out with one there will always be someone else. This mind set let’s me take it as it comes while in the past I was always an anxious mess worrying about her feeling the same about me.
A lot more ex wife/baby mama drama. I hate it.
I met my FH right before I turned 30. We both weren't really looking and just happened to get set up by some of his friends. We just kinda hung out then hung out more, then hung out even more. He said he liked me and I realized I liked him too and that was kinda it. It was way more chill for me. Which in hindsight might be out of the norm for people my age
ONS became a lot more common Less meeting people through school, work, mutual friends. More online. One nighters were almost expected
After a 20+ year break, I started dating again a few years ago. It's rewarding, largely because I have way fewer fucks to give. That most certainly doesn't mean I don't care about folks I'm dating. It means that I'm less afraid of (and more willing to accept a little discomfort when) communicating honestly and making meaningful decisions instead of choosing whatever path involves the least conflict. Fortunately, the same also applies to the folks I'm dating as well. It's a deal-breaker if they aren't able to be open and honest. I'm able to have important conversations that I would have dodged in my 20s. I still struggle identifying what I want sometimes but I've gotten better at narrowing it down and sharing the thoughts along the way. I'm more able to make difficult decisions - and communicate them - even when the right choice involves some hard work. I'm more willing to listen, less eager to judge, and have learned how to disagree without trying to "win." I've learned when not to try to solve the problem someone has shared (if ever in doubt, just say, "That sucks and you deserve better"). I absolutely do _not_ always succeed in these things, but I'm more able to recover without beating myself up over it or blaming others. I'm a reasonably hairless primate at best. I'm not claiming to have ascended to some form of enlightenment. I feel it inherently comes from having more experiences to draw from. 20-something me absolutely had no chance of pulling most of that off. I just hadn't lived enough to learn how to express what I felt and feel safe doing so.
Well I’ve been with my now-wife since I was 30, so it’s been pretty consistent 😄
It didn't change one bit: Couldn't get dates back then. Cannot get dates now.
It has gotten significantly better.
I'm in my late 30s, widow and have a teenager. I gave up on dating as quickly as I started as I seem to attract men in their 50s and it's not quite what I'm looking for!! For now I'm focusing on my career and house plants and if I'm lucky to find love again, I'll embrace it, if not, I'm happy in the memory. In the meantime people's dating horror stories are great reads!! I also felt I was 'too complicated' for the dating game as not many my age have had similar experiences as me, which is probably why the older man was interested! All I know is that dating is F'ed up and a minefield!
Everyone seems afraid to say what they want (a family, specific goals of partnership/relationship dynamics), or they're afraid to tell you what they have (divorce, kids, etc.). It's like everyone is fishing for raw materials that they can mould into sometihng. Which is funny because I'm mouldable, but I'm mentally like flubber and physically like a bag of tits.
It’s a lot more intentional. I would like to share my life with someone instead of going out with them and partying
/r/askmenover30 /r/askwomenover30
Dating men became more enjoyable for me, because they have more figured out empathy-wise and regarding women than men in their 20s do.
It got better. I ask women out alot less, and get good results more often than in my 20s
Lot less bullshit and yeah if people are attracted to each other a lot more likely to just go ahead and bang on the first date. None of this “you won’t respect me” stuff.
I started to calm down a bit and relax on dates. In the past I would have been putting on the full court press to get laid. But as I got older I didn’t. Which, ironically, women responded to much better and got me laid more.
When I was younger, meeting people organically out and about was nice, we'd still form connections and have good communication. These days the online portion of getting to know people that are open to dating is a tad more complex, communication is dwindling as bonding is not as serious, in my opinion this is how it seems to me.
I stopped being about to eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.
It stopped when I got married, lol.
Sex got way better. Women were way more direct, honest and confident about what they wanted. They had all at least tried anal so wasn’t a big deal to bring up. Definitely were way freakier, sexier. Then again I’m 44… I don’t know what sex is like for the youth these days.
So this isn’t an answer to your question because I’m happily married in my (very) late thirties… but reading the comments now- it’s occurred to me why some new people I’ve met (through work, but then we hang out) seem to rattle off a bit of a resumé about themselves. I’m much more organic in getting to know people, so it seems odd how my new acquaintances are all like, I’ve done this, this and this and achieved this, this and this. It’s all that online dating that has Pavlov’ed everyone into people treating new encounters as interviews. I find it so unnerving.
It stopped.
I’m a woman that’s maintained my looks, lives healthy and goes to the gym. Older and younger men still pursue me. I like that when you’re older, it’s expected to be more established.
The women got older.
It didnt since I met my wife when I was 27
My dating game skyrocketed at 30+. Confidence and some financial stability goes a long way.
Turned 30 at the end of last year. In general it feels like there's way more pressure on dating and that both parties analyze the budding relationship more
Once you hit 40, you disappear like in the Avengers after giving your age to many people under 30.
As a older gentleman in his 40s. It's not that easy and not that hard. I would say it's more in the middle for me. But what I really want is to come home to a Loving family and a beautiful home.
Women above 30 want a cash machine not a man. So if I had to chose on a money sink, I'd chose gambling or hard drugs, they are less harmful than women.
Now is even better, you can afford more special experiences
Stopped chasing. Got extremely selective and protective of my time and energy. I no longer tolerate any games or immature behaviour. You disturb my peace, you're gone. Incidentally, even if it doesn't work out romantically, if they otherwise are good people, more often than not they have turned out to be great friends and continue to be a part of my social circle.
you spot the mature red flags so much quicker.
I stopped listening to my feelings of infatuation and lust - stopped judging/caring about the shallow stuff that wouldn't matter at the end of my life - height, age, job, physical attraction (I mean initial attraction because I'm the type of person where sexual attraction easily comes after I fall for you as a person but I stopped looking for instant chemistry if that makes sense). I started thinking more about long term compatibility and if it wasn't there, I didn't bother wasting my time, even if yhe sexual chemistry was there. Do they want marriage and kids? What kind of relationship with their family would they want post-marriage (huge for me given my ethnic background)? Do we have the same social and cultural values? Life goals? Can we have a good time fighting? (My hubby and I frequently end fights in laughter - not always, of course, but the sillier fights definitely devolve into giggles). I also took things slower and stopped jumping head first into relationships. I took time to see how they treated their family, friends, strangers etc. A lot of the stuff I looked for in a boyfriend in my 20s was irrelevant to what I want in a life partner - took me years and plenty of heart break to figure out what mattered most to me, but it was worth it. ETA - a huge one was that I stopped dating for their potential. If I didn't like who they were as a person and partner at that moment in time and didn't think I could live the rest of my life with them without requiring change, then i moved on. Some people can change - most can't or won't. It made dating smoother and less tumultuous once I realized this.
I'm a woman with no desire to have kids but I had a fucking blast. I still tell my husband (married at 37) that I want to date again because dating was so much more fun. Both of us (me and my date) generally made great money so there wasn't this "want to meet your for coffee so I can see if you're worth more than 2 seconds of my time" bull shit. I got turned on to great restaurants, great drinks, fun shows etc even on first and second dates. More than once someone had tickets last minute so lucky me! The men were generous and mostly fun to be around and if there wasn't chemistry on one side or the other no harm no foul. This was all OLD. I'm not any sort of hot either, I just wrote a really well written honest profile that spelled out what I'd enjoy and not bother with pinging back and forth let's just kick and see what happens. The ones who read it are the few that responded overall and they were wonderful quality men. If I didn't have such an amazing husband, no fear of diving back in. Edit too: accurate, full body and very recent pictures helped too.
Communication was much better. Both sides knew what we wanted, or at least what we didn’t want. Expectations were more clear. No more games. Plus the single moms had amazing snacks.
57M here! Dating just got better with age. I passed through the “let’s build a family”, raise children, divorcing at 45 believing I would be alone for the rest of my life, to “oh! I’m dating! Women like me after all!” Currently I’m 57, almost 58, I have three partners (one for 8+ years, one for 7+ years, one 1+ years). Enjoying life sharing moments and memories with them, and a few more FWB, while also enjoying my time just by myself. So, life can be great at 57! 😄
This guy fucks
My last major relationship ended at 30, since then (35 now) it's mostly been flings or dating for a couple of months then realizing they're not who I want to be with It's harder for me to actually fall for someone, mainly because I know what I'm not willing to put up with now, I'm also childfree and most people my age have/want kids or are married. It's also generally been harder to fall for someone else after being incredibly in love in my last relationship. Feels like I won't feel that way again
Yeah. It sucked until it didn’t. Honestly your outlook and the energy that you’re putting out make all the difference.