I'd keep up to date on their homework.
My parents would ask "Got any homework today?" and I'd say "No" or "Yes" and regardless of my answer, they would never check to see if I had done it. So the only thing I had to worry about was the teacher at school tomorrow. And tomorrow was a whole day away, so why worry now?
If I had kids, I'd ensure they actually did decent in school. Not end up like me, flunking out of everything.
Hyperprotectiveness. It is okay for a child to make mistakes and to learn from their errors by paying the consequences. Because of my parents and their attempts to protect me from everything, I risked doing tremendous damage, and the only thing I learned was how to get around their parental limitations.
Just gave my oldest the talk about 6 months ago. Took more courage than I thought and I absolutely fumbled my words a bit but I can’t imagine sending a person off into the world without explaining certain critical things. I think that Parents who don’t talk about this stuff with their kids are simply cowards who are too scared to have the talk because it’s uncomfortable.
Emotional neglect. I'm an uncle because I've decided that my mental health should not be passed down, my sister has beautiful boys and I give them all the attention in the world (a heavy hand if need be sometimes). There will be no world in which these kids ever have a question about if they were loved or not if I have anything to do with it.
This for me, too. When I first learned I would be a dad I was terrified that I would do to my kids what my dad did to me. I had the same tendency to get very angry and I wasn’t entirely sure I could control it.
This exactly. When I was growing up being beat was punishment, and I never even “spank” my child. When my son does something wrong I tell him first he’s not in trouble, but we have to talk about this and how this wasn’t a great decision. And he has always deeply opened up to me because it always started with “you are not in trouble”. I don’t even have to discipline because of it. His self awareness and morals are unbelievable because instead of “being in trouble” he knows how actions affect others and he voluntarily tells me when he makes mistakes, even ones I wouldn’t have known about because he comes to me for guidance. He’s just so smart and kind and I’m incredibly proud of him, which makes me proud of me
My parents were strict, over-protective and barely let me leave the house and as a result I had no confidence and was stunted socially. I took the opposite tack and sent my kids to any adventure camp they were interested in. In High School my daughter flew to the BVIs alone and spent 2 weeks sailing, learning SCUBA and doing Marine Science projects with a bunch of other teens.
Agreed. My parents spanked me a few times as punishment, and proceeded to threaten me with spanking up until my preteens. It worked, but it installed fear and resentment in me for quite some time.
Curse at them. My first memory is of my mom screaming at me, "You damn (my name)!"
Absolutely refused to swear in the presence of my step kid until their mother told me they do swear, and kiddo is allowed to swear once per day now that they understand the power of language.
Kiddo is at that stage where they will ask permission to use their "one swear". As a bonus, I will give them feedback on how appropriate/inappropriate the swear was.
Haha, that's hilarious. You and your kid should get one of those Word A Day calenders and try and use a new word everyday. Me and my sister used to do this and it was fun.
Only care about grades and school in general, I'm still in school but my parents dont give a fuck about me or my mental/physical health, they only care about school. I've lost my emotions and ability to love cuz of this, if I ever get any children, I wanna raise them right.
send them to catholic school.
there are a lot of reasons for this, but honestly the biggest one is that my friends who went to public school had opportunities I didn't, like french immersion and band classes in middle school.
My son was walking on the window sill. My Mom told him a big "crack" in the paint was from him walking on it.
I immediately corrected her, but the damage was done and my son had massive guilt over something he didn't do and was lied about. He thought I was telling him he didn't do it because I didn't want him to feel bad.
She than proceeded to mock me for correcting her.
My son is almost 4. He doesn't need your bullshit guilt.
Verbal and physical abuse. Not frequent, but it left scars.
But what lingered the most is the constantly putting down, pushing to the limit and setting higher and higher goals. It feels like no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy them.
I remembered well the moment it clicked. I got my first job, was still living with them. My mother said that I would never buy something to pamper them. I bought expensive chocolates on a whim, from a brand I knew she liked. She complained that she didn't want the chocolates because it would make her fat.
Tell them they're fat miserable bitches, choke hold them with feet off the ground until they turn people, and tell them nobody wants to be around them. Oh I wouldn't make things up to doctors to get them misdiagnosed and given thousands of milligrams of different pills a day to keep them quiet so the can't tell anybody about my abuse.
Cheating/divorce. My dad cheated on my mom and they got divorced. Not only that but my grandparents on both sides and some of my aunts and uncles did it to. The cycle ends with me I’ve already decided.
Helicopter parenting. My mother never let me make my own mistakes. If I did she’d come down on me like a ton of bricks. As a result I’ve gone through life having no faith in myself and scared to pursue anything fearing that I’ll fail. I tell my kids what to do and if they don’t do it right then that’s on them. Some things they have to learn the hard way. It’s the only way they’re going to learn.
No corporal punishment. I never want my son to hide and lie about things because he's afraid he'll be hit. I was so scared of punishments that - even though there was a rule that "you can always tell the truth and you won't be in trouble" - I was never secure enough to be fully honest or not tell them what I thought they wanted to hear.
I will hopefully never make my son feel like he can only say what he thinks I want to hear.
Constantly screaming and fighting, guilting each other and their children, not teaching them how to be a properly functioning adult before they become one so they don't know what they're doing and are constantly circling the drain
...my old man was womanizer. Still is, weirdly enough. Was constantly trying to set me up with neighbor girls to take my virginity, or even convincing some of the more...*troubled* neighbor girls to take my virginity. Succeeded when I was 12, with my best friend's 18-year-old sister.
I didn't really ask for it or want it. I just wanted to be a kid. Went along with it to make him happy and because I thought that's what kids my age were supposed to do. Fucked up how I interacted with women for many, many years.
As a father of three these days...that bullshit dies with me.
Take mental health seriously. My parents didn’t take mine seriously and left me with damaged coping skills as an adult because panic attacks were “just how I handled stress” and anxiety was “just me worrying about things” and I was just “a bad test taker in school”.
Not acknowledging obvious signs that I was not doing well mentally really hurt me. I’m in my thirties and I’m just now starting to realize how deep my anxiety and depression goes and I have some resentment about that now.
I promised the day I found out I was pregnant that I would never neglect my child’s mental health needs.
As a Filipino teenager I would say that I will never made my children become my retirement fund. My parents always told us that "When we grow older, you should take care of us because we provided for you." Sometimes they made us feel like we're a burden to them. Because of the expenses lately like school related stuff. Me personally I will never let my child worry about food for tomorrow or money because that's a responsibility of a parent. I don't care how much you earn you gotta provide for your child.
Have one. Grandfather had brain cancer and was bipolar and blew his head off, or tried to. Aunt had brain cancer and was bipolar. Guess who won the lottery? Got a vasectomy in 2018
Let them in on my financial/money problems. Growing up our parents always told us how much they were struggling or how poor we were, and I always felt so bad asking for anything. I never want my children to feel like they can’t have something or they can’t do something they want/need. Whatever it is, mommy will make it happen. I don’t care how tight money is. No child should ever have to worry about money.
Be in a one-way marriage. My dad was in love with my mom. My mom was in love with herself. She basically checked out of acting like a mother when I turned 8.
A lot but the primary one for me is to not work too much. My wife and I prioritize time with our kids as much as possible. We quit well paying jobs to have more time at home, max out vacation and sick time (when it won't roll over) and occasionally one of us goes unemployed during nicer/holidays months since our line of work is really easy to get a new job fast. All of our retirement is external from our careers and it's made it very freeing.
I don’t have kids yet. But Not spend much quality time with them… if any at all. My kids will have a healthy relationship with their mother and father. They will hang out with us and we will have family days, my husband will have a relationship with our daughter if we have one. I can’t think of one good memory my father and I had together and sometimes it makes me a little sad. My mom is amazing but had a drinking problem a majority of my life. My kids will feel loved, comfortable , and safe.
Not as serious as most of these.
Eat those frozen mixed vegetables with lima beans in them that would literally make me gag. Not sure what that taught me. I still hate them. The mixed vegetables. Not my parents 😄
Beat me with a galvanized 1/2” pipe at 15 when a neighbor’s dad caught us smoking weed.
There were 6 of us. All my friends who got busted, received a talk from their parents and a hidden giggle (to them it wasn’t a big deal). But I was beaten to visible bruises all over my body and still have a scar over my left eye where the first swing landed.
For the record, I was beaten for lying , not getting caught smoking weed. (when asked just 2 days before getting busted, he asked if I smoked weed, and I denied it).
Also my father was an immigrant to the US and spent a better part of his childhood in a Japanese concentration camp during WWII.
Not apologize.
My mom can never admit she's wrong. If she was wrong about something I'd hear some sort of "well, mom though..." from my dad. She was also very heavy handed on punishments for simple mistakes. I remember spending hours cleaning up a broken glass that I'd dropped on the floor when I was about 6. Then she'd find another tiny piece and I'd have to spend another hour sweeping the tiny kitchen in our apartment while she lectured me that if someone got even the tiniest sliver in their foot we'd have to go the emergency room. My wife looked at me like I was insane when I mentioned that.
Having this happen a couple of times scarred me so much I wouldn't let my own kids handle glassware when emptying the dishwasher until my therapist pointed out "Are you going to react the way your mom did if they break something?" and I realized that I absolutely would not. On the couple of times there's been broken glass I recognize that it was an accident (although I still wanted to strangle the damn cat lol), reassure them that it's ok and just have them help me clean it up. Now if they legit grabbed a glass and just hurled it at the wall I'd be mad, but that's a bit different from it slipping out of your hand.
I'm gonna trust him. I'm gonna make sure that he knows that I love him, I got his back no matter what, and he will always have a home as long as I live.
Keep pornography in the home. My children went through puberty and young adulthood unjaded. I wish I was not exposed to tittilating material at such a vulnerable age.
Neglect: Sleeping their life away and ignoring us kids.
Parentification: Acting like I’m a live in maid and baby sitter, not a person, and screaming from their bed to make them a sammich despite being able bodied. Then screaming and grounding me becuz I didn’t add mayonnaise to their sandwich despite them not requesting it. (Funny fucking story. I lost the privilege to see my father that weekend cuz I was grounded over a fucking sand which)
Pure laziness and rudeness. Just get an abortion next time, damn.
Pretty much told me I was on my own at 18. I have been taking care of my life by myself with zero external support for 30 years now. I will be here for my kids until I die.
Hold things over their head that I’m obligated to do as a parent like, “putting clothes over on their back, food in their mouth, and a roof over their head”.
Absolutely everything. I've never seen two such selfish people in my life. It's astonishing that they found each other in life and could be selfish together. They were completely disinterested when we were growing up. They forged no relationship between me and my brother either, never instructing us to care for each other play together or exchange gifts. My brother has zero interest in my existence even there is the element of competition to just steal my mother's attention away from me. The neglect in my early and later years also took its toll on me causing me to become schizotypal. Now don't think I'm schizophrenic...I'm not hearing voices or seeing hallucinations. But I have an odd belief system, seeing "signs" in everything, believing I'm psychic and paranoia too. My parents had zero interest in us so I cannot understand why they bothered to have kids. My father even didn't buy us Christmas presents ever . Mother never organised birthday parties for us. Yes it stung. I would go to other kids parties and see a cake there. And I would go home wondering "why do I not have birthday parties". And it also brainwashes a person into believing you should live on the outer edges of society , you are not part of society.
Let them be bullied by relatives. I went mute for 5ish years because of it. My parents did nothing to defend me. Now I don't want anything to do with them
Let me put it this way. When I faced a difficult issue with one of my children, I always asked the question, 'What would my father have done in this situation?' Then I did the opposite.
My three children have turned into happy, emotionally healthy adults.
Never heard my parents tell me they're proud of me.
A bit unfair to hold this against them, they're genuinely great people who I'm only growing more fond of as time moves on. But I might genuinely start crying if I ever hear them say they're proud of me, weird.
Still, you can be damned sure I'm telling my kids I'm proud of them every god damned night before they go to sleep.
I won’t emotionally abuse them. I won’t make fake Facebook profiles to harass their friends and run them off because I want my child to be miserable and lonely. I won’t cheat on my husband and force my child into the lap of my lover and watch him assault my child.
P.s. I’m going to therapy and suggest everyone to try going
I will not expect them to be like me or my fiancée/partner. I would want them to have their own personality and interests. I would want them to be comfortable and feel valid and supported in their own skin.
We decided not to have kids but when we discussed the idea of it, that was the first thing I brought up.
My parents are good people and I have a good relationship with them. They did a lot of things right, but they also expected me to be just like them and were upset and offended when I developed interests they didn’t have or views they disagreed with. Even today as an adult I have to remind them “I’m not you.”
Not actually communicating what I did wrong and why, I got in trouble a lot as a kid and lots of times I didn't know what I did wrong, I was sent to my room for at least 24+ hours with no food and had to physically beg and cry to use the bathroom, and when I didn't make it to the bathroom I was yelled at and the time was longer :) so yeah, probably not that
Cheating. I don’t care about divorce cuz once you can’t stand your partner anymore,it’s time to leave! On the other hand,divorce might be the best decision someone makes for them and their kids. But cheating is the worst. And my dad did.
Compared to some of the other answers I think I had pretty good parents, but one thing I always said I would never do was tease them about liking someone. If my parents even thought I liked a girl I would get bigtime razzing about it. I think it hurt my social development and I was shy to begin with.
Being emotionally disconnected. Never asking how I felt or how a situation made me feel. And neither of them are good at offering any comfort when it's needed most.
They would always compare me to other kids. "Why does X have a better grade than you? "
"Why isn't your room as clean as Y's room? " Etc... It made me hate myself for a long time. I wouldn't want to do that to my children
Tell them that they've put on weight, or tell them when someone else has said they've put on weight... Literally happened a few weeks ago. My aunt was saying I'd lost weight. My mum laughed and said "no she hasn't, her cousin told me last week that she's put on too much weight." Then she laughed and dismissed me when I said I was trying to lose weight with "ha ok then like you're going to lose anything".
I don't have kids, but I have plenty of friends & family that do. I grew up in a fairly conservative household, and a lot of my friends are also pretty conservative parents.
Now, I don't disagree with keeping bad things away from kids, like social media, porn, violent TV/movies, drugs/alcohol, etc. However, unlike my parents I won't block it, hide it, or pretend it doesn't exist. Nor do I plan on playing the "It's OK for me b/c I'm an adult, but not for you b/c you are a child." card. I want them to enjoy things with me, and so my plan is to do just that.
I haven't figured out how I'll handle doing things that might seem interesting to them, but is not age appropriate. For example, I don't know if I will be able to watch something like GoT or FMA:Brotherhood until they can.
My mom's default response was always either "no" or "you don't need to do that." Things like wanting to learn guitar, or take karate, or things like that. It had effects well into adulthood where I would just assume these types of things were not for me. I wasn't one of those people that could play an instrument or learn a martial art. I finally, in my late 20s, began both of those things.
I never want my children to miss out on something like that and have to play catch-up later in life.
Be gone from the house for 14 hours for work. I love my dad and appreciate how hard he worked to provide for me, but I told myself I'd be around more for my kids. Especially after finding out that my dad essentially made himself a millionaire by working so much. I didn't need a millionaire.
Not using shame and guilt to condition behaviour. Not holding my children to a higher standard than I hold myself to. Teaching them to respect themselves, love their bodies and brains, and recognising that they’re their own person/s and to make choices that reflect what they actually want and feel good doing - not pushing them to do what I would do or want them to do based on my own experiences and beliefs. Guidance and teaching accountability, not force and fear.
Speak for them. My parents did this all the time. I never got to think for myself until I was way too old and realized I had no opinions of my own, and all my feelings had been neglected unless my parents ‘agreed’. I’ve learned from it and am very vocal with my feelings and opinions now. My dad still tries to answer questions for me and I shut it down immediately.
I chose not to tell stories about my kids that would embarrass them in front of others. My dad was so insecure that telling stories about my mistakes made him feel better about himself. And he wondered why I moved far away from him.
Slapping. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold any anger to my parents for giving us a slap when we "deserved" it, it's just how it was in the 90s. But I could never raise my hand to my kids. Just feels wrong.
Not challenge them enough. I grew up sheltered. I ended up not knowing how to step out of my comfort zone and experience failures until I was already an adult where the stakes were far higher, resulting in much higher mental and physical stress.
i don't have children yet but if i do i refuse to criticize their every move. my father never had/has anything positive to say but he'll always make sure to let me know what i've done "wrong." it really fucked with my self esteem.
Disregarding their own school/university choices and neglecting their specific talents. Not everyone is born to become a lawyer, a doctor or an engineer.
Force them to attend religious school. I was forced to go four days a week after school and on Sundays. I was not allowed to participate in sports until I was 14 because it would have interfered with religious school from age 5 on. I chose instead to spend time with them and teach them about science instead.
We always had to finish The old loaf of bread before opening the new one.
We were forever eating "old" bread.
Now. I buy bread whenever needed and even if a few slices to go on the old, we always eat fresh
There are so many uses for 2 day old bread.
1. Once I hit high school my parents stopped checking in on my homework. I graduated but my grades definitely would've been better had they been asking what I was learning and making sure I was doing it.
2. The only time I ever heard my parents talk about their bodies was to say how much they hate them. They did talk about their bodies, a lot actually, but only to constantly put themselves down. "My arms are too fat" "I can't wear that, it looks stupid on my body type" "I can't wear shorts because I hate my legs" and so on and so on. I have 3 girls now and that bullshit 100% ends with me.
My father was a very abusive drunk and hated me everyday that he lived. He taught me what not to do in life. No alcoholism, smoking or drugs. I did more for my son than was ever done for me and I'm proud of that.
Hide their medical issues from me. They did this because my mom thought I wouldn’t be able to handle anything going on with them but even a small: so dad has so and so going on right now. Would have been better than being in the dark until something big happened.
I made a promise to myself to not repeat that mistake with my daughter and have kept that promise.
Compare them. I am south Asian and my parents had this obnoxious habit of comparing me and my sibling to other kids. My parents still do that , like literally I was getting married and my mom was like look at your cousin she is not interfering with anything in her marriage. She is just so demure and blah blah blah . I was so pissed off. If at any time my partner compares me to anyone my temper just hit the room. So I will not be doing that to my future kids. I will understand they have their own personalities and will understand them.
Also, I won't be telling my kids that their mom was dead until they are in 5th grade.
That's what my mom told me about my dad. Turns out he just didn't want anything to do with me.
Spanking. And no, I do not think there is an 'appropriate' use of it. If you do, you're in good company and a lot of people agree with you. Please engage with them instead
Ignoring their children pleas for help when they were bullied in school and advising them to "grow a spine" and "put a mental barrier and then the bullies won't hurt you because it is all in your head."
My parents were extremely strict growing up and what it taught my siblings and I is how to be sneaky. Therefore we would hide so much from them and be very secretive, and now telling them anything we do as adults feels uncomfortable because we know that they are security judging us.
Not shame them for crying or having feelings and also not screaming at them when I’m upset with their behavior. There’s so much more but those are the two biggest ones.
I will never leave my children guessing if I love and support them. At the end of my life there will be no question that they were always my priority and the very soul of me.
I promised myself I would tell my children I love them every day. They would grow up knowing I love them.
I have been telling them this several times a day for the past 34 and 32 years, and I will never stop.
I still struggle to believe anyone would/could love me
Not take shit in stride.
We were expected to know how to do everything, and if we goofed it was the end of the world. Make a mess? END OF THE WORLD. And the end result was that I became a timid, confidence-less person afraid to stand up for herself or try new things.
My kids are intellectually disabled and homeschooled, so there are many messes each day.
I am the epitome of patience. I know a lot of messes look bigger than they really are and aren't that difficult to clean. Housework is just part of the daily routine. The kids are taught how to do things. If they fail, I model again or offer a different way.
I'm not going to say I'm ZEN MAMA or something. There are definitely times on stressful days I've failed. But, I apologize and try again, or take a break until I can do better.
My husband still defaults to the angry cleaning and blowing small things out of proportion. They see more of me, so I hope they take after me in that regard.
My mom constantly angry cleaning is one of my most upsetting memories.
Physical punishment. I don’t have kids but if I ever had them I would never lay a hand on them. Lots of people are in denial about the implications of physical punishment and long term emotional instability.
Treat my kid as "a friend" like mocking, teasing and pranking them.
Guess my father was too young and immature (22yo) when he had me. I fking hate him.
My uncle often said to me that I looked like the adult one and I was 10 years old.
My parents didn’t want me and my brother diagnosed with ADHD bc they didn’t want as labeled with that throughout our K-12 career. Now me and my brother are both diagnosed and treated. I was BARELY getting a 2.0 in high school until I got treatment and now in college I’m maintaining a 3.4 easily.
Things are different now and I’m just glad it’s not labeled as a bad thing 100% anymore.
My kids can tell us anything . We are really lucky that our kids come to us with all sorts of problems. They know we are listening. Kids are all adults and still chat about what's bothering them . My childhood was completely different we just said what parents wanted to hear.
Spankings and screaming. Although honestly, the yelling was worse. To this day, angry shouts in a male voice make me fearful, and if the man is angry at *me* it’s downright terrifying.
I also vowed to explain important things to my kids. My mother had a period of severe depression and nobody ever explained it to five-year-old me. Nobody ever told me that I didn’t have to be the family peacemaker because I was afraid my parents’ arguments meant they might get a divorce.
I ended up not having kids, but I am a teacher and I try to be sensitive about this stuff with my students.
For what it’s worth, my parents are both still alive and married - and we have good relationships. The distance and boundaries created by adulthood have helped me a lot and I don’t feel the need to confront them about it when it wouldn’t matter now anyway. They’re old now, they didn’t have parenting lessons, and they did the best they could under the enormous stress of trying to raise a poor-ish family in the 80s.
I'd keep up to date on their homework. My parents would ask "Got any homework today?" and I'd say "No" or "Yes" and regardless of my answer, they would never check to see if I had done it. So the only thing I had to worry about was the teacher at school tomorrow. And tomorrow was a whole day away, so why worry now? If I had kids, I'd ensure they actually did decent in school. Not end up like me, flunking out of everything.
Hyperprotectiveness. It is okay for a child to make mistakes and to learn from their errors by paying the consequences. Because of my parents and their attempts to protect me from everything, I risked doing tremendous damage, and the only thing I learned was how to get around their parental limitations.
My parents never gave me the talk or taught me about sex. I will give my kids the talk
My parents never did this either or told me about periods. I thought I was dying
That’s honestly fucked up.
Just gave my oldest the talk about 6 months ago. Took more courage than I thought and I absolutely fumbled my words a bit but I can’t imagine sending a person off into the world without explaining certain critical things. I think that Parents who don’t talk about this stuff with their kids are simply cowards who are too scared to have the talk because it’s uncomfortable.
this
Smoking n the car with the windows rolled up immediately comes to mind but there was plenty of other shit to choose from as well
Actually against the law where I live now hallelujah
Emotional neglect. I'm an uncle because I've decided that my mental health should not be passed down, my sister has beautiful boys and I give them all the attention in the world (a heavy hand if need be sometimes). There will be no world in which these kids ever have a question about if they were loved or not if I have anything to do with it.
I want to be like you.
"you will love me and like it!!!" Lmao yeah they're amazing kids and I have a blank spot from my dad from 11-16. These kids deserve a good life.
Beat them
This for me, too. When I first learned I would be a dad I was terrified that I would do to my kids what my dad did to me. I had the same tendency to get very angry and I wasn’t entirely sure I could control it.
This, I grew up in a country and culture where corporal punishment is the norm. It sucks.
Thank you. This is my answer
This exactly. When I was growing up being beat was punishment, and I never even “spank” my child. When my son does something wrong I tell him first he’s not in trouble, but we have to talk about this and how this wasn’t a great decision. And he has always deeply opened up to me because it always started with “you are not in trouble”. I don’t even have to discipline because of it. His self awareness and morals are unbelievable because instead of “being in trouble” he knows how actions affect others and he voluntarily tells me when he makes mistakes, even ones I wouldn’t have known about because he comes to me for guidance. He’s just so smart and kind and I’m incredibly proud of him, which makes me proud of me
Giving birth to them
Haaaaaaaa, beat me to it
yup!! enjoy the peaceful ether, mama loves you 😙🤣
[удалено]
Good job on breaking the cycle 🙏
My parents were strict, over-protective and barely let me leave the house and as a result I had no confidence and was stunted socially. I took the opposite tack and sent my kids to any adventure camp they were interested in. In High School my daughter flew to the BVIs alone and spent 2 weeks sailing, learning SCUBA and doing Marine Science projects with a bunch of other teens.
Definitely no verbal abuse or any serious physical punishment. It just works against what you’re hoping to achieve. Fear doesn’t equal respect.
Agreed. My parents spanked me a few times as punishment, and proceeded to threaten me with spanking up until my preteens. It worked, but it installed fear and resentment in me for quite some time.
Curse at them. My first memory is of my mom screaming at me, "You damn (my name)!" Absolutely refused to swear in the presence of my step kid until their mother told me they do swear, and kiddo is allowed to swear once per day now that they understand the power of language. Kiddo is at that stage where they will ask permission to use their "one swear". As a bonus, I will give them feedback on how appropriate/inappropriate the swear was.
Haha, that's hilarious. You and your kid should get one of those Word A Day calenders and try and use a new word everyday. Me and my sister used to do this and it was fun.
Make them eat everything on their plate.
Only care about grades and school in general, I'm still in school but my parents dont give a fuck about me or my mental/physical health, they only care about school. I've lost my emotions and ability to love cuz of this, if I ever get any children, I wanna raise them right.
Drink excessively. It has made me want to drink all the time. I don’t want that for her
send them to catholic school. there are a lot of reasons for this, but honestly the biggest one is that my friends who went to public school had opportunities I didn't, like french immersion and band classes in middle school.
My son was walking on the window sill. My Mom told him a big "crack" in the paint was from him walking on it. I immediately corrected her, but the damage was done and my son had massive guilt over something he didn't do and was lied about. He thought I was telling him he didn't do it because I didn't want him to feel bad. She than proceeded to mock me for correcting her. My son is almost 4. He doesn't need your bullshit guilt.
Verbal and physical abuse. Not frequent, but it left scars. But what lingered the most is the constantly putting down, pushing to the limit and setting higher and higher goals. It feels like no matter what I did, I couldn't satisfy them. I remembered well the moment it clicked. I got my first job, was still living with them. My mother said that I would never buy something to pamper them. I bought expensive chocolates on a whim, from a brand I knew she liked. She complained that she didn't want the chocolates because it would make her fat.
get mad/yell @ them before they go to sleep or school
Tell them they're fat miserable bitches, choke hold them with feet off the ground until they turn people, and tell them nobody wants to be around them. Oh I wouldn't make things up to doctors to get them misdiagnosed and given thousands of milligrams of different pills a day to keep them quiet so the can't tell anybody about my abuse.
Cheating/divorce. My dad cheated on my mom and they got divorced. Not only that but my grandparents on both sides and some of my aunts and uncles did it to. The cycle ends with me I’ve already decided.
Disrespect and abuse.
Verbal, Physical, and Sexual abuse
Helicopter parenting. My mother never let me make my own mistakes. If I did she’d come down on me like a ton of bricks. As a result I’ve gone through life having no faith in myself and scared to pursue anything fearing that I’ll fail. I tell my kids what to do and if they don’t do it right then that’s on them. Some things they have to learn the hard way. It’s the only way they’re going to learn.
Give any adult male easy access to my kids
No corporal punishment. I never want my son to hide and lie about things because he's afraid he'll be hit. I was so scared of punishments that - even though there was a rule that "you can always tell the truth and you won't be in trouble" - I was never secure enough to be fully honest or not tell them what I thought they wanted to hear. I will hopefully never make my son feel like he can only say what he thinks I want to hear.
Make them eat leftover ketchup if they take to much, or put a spoon full soap, raw cocoa or tabasco sauce in their mouth if they swear
Hit them with a wrench.
I’m gonna believe in my kids.
Yell.. a lot. None of that in my house.
I wont Beat, neglect, and verbally abuse my kid like my parents did to me
Don’t want to trigger anyone, so I’ll just say, “What is the worse thing an evil person can do to an innocent child?”……….THAT!! 😢
Constantly screaming and fighting, guilting each other and their children, not teaching them how to be a properly functioning adult before they become one so they don't know what they're doing and are constantly circling the drain
leave.
Punt my kid's pets if the sneak into the house.
Letting them finish school, go to college get married and have their own lives in general.
...my old man was womanizer. Still is, weirdly enough. Was constantly trying to set me up with neighbor girls to take my virginity, or even convincing some of the more...*troubled* neighbor girls to take my virginity. Succeeded when I was 12, with my best friend's 18-year-old sister. I didn't really ask for it or want it. I just wanted to be a kid. Went along with it to make him happy and because I thought that's what kids my age were supposed to do. Fucked up how I interacted with women for many, many years. As a father of three these days...that bullshit dies with me.
Your dad set you up to be raped. That's beyond messed up.
Have the 9-year-old watch the seven and six year old
Let a pedophile move in with us.
Take them to church.
Take mental health seriously. My parents didn’t take mine seriously and left me with damaged coping skills as an adult because panic attacks were “just how I handled stress” and anxiety was “just me worrying about things” and I was just “a bad test taker in school”. Not acknowledging obvious signs that I was not doing well mentally really hurt me. I’m in my thirties and I’m just now starting to realize how deep my anxiety and depression goes and I have some resentment about that now. I promised the day I found out I was pregnant that I would never neglect my child’s mental health needs.
As a Filipino teenager I would say that I will never made my children become my retirement fund. My parents always told us that "When we grow older, you should take care of us because we provided for you." Sometimes they made us feel like we're a burden to them. Because of the expenses lately like school related stuff. Me personally I will never let my child worry about food for tomorrow or money because that's a responsibility of a parent. I don't care how much you earn you gotta provide for your child.
Spanking and being overprotective
Force him to eat foods he doesn’t like.
Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Etc.. I’m not lying to my kids.
Left
Have one. Grandfather had brain cancer and was bipolar and blew his head off, or tried to. Aunt had brain cancer and was bipolar. Guess who won the lottery? Got a vasectomy in 2018
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Let them in on my financial/money problems. Growing up our parents always told us how much they were struggling or how poor we were, and I always felt so bad asking for anything. I never want my children to feel like they can’t have something or they can’t do something they want/need. Whatever it is, mommy will make it happen. I don’t care how tight money is. No child should ever have to worry about money.
raise the person in me, i wouldn’t want to deal with me either
Say bad things about children behind their backs.
Be in a one-way marriage. My dad was in love with my mom. My mom was in love with herself. She basically checked out of acting like a mother when I turned 8.
Get drunk a lot
A lot but the primary one for me is to not work too much. My wife and I prioritize time with our kids as much as possible. We quit well paying jobs to have more time at home, max out vacation and sick time (when it won't roll over) and occasionally one of us goes unemployed during nicer/holidays months since our line of work is really easy to get a new job fast. All of our retirement is external from our careers and it's made it very freeing.
Smoke
I don’t have kids yet. But Not spend much quality time with them… if any at all. My kids will have a healthy relationship with their mother and father. They will hang out with us and we will have family days, my husband will have a relationship with our daughter if we have one. I can’t think of one good memory my father and I had together and sometimes it makes me a little sad. My mom is amazing but had a drinking problem a majority of my life. My kids will feel loved, comfortable , and safe.
My parents were a master class on what not to do.
Not as serious as most of these. Eat those frozen mixed vegetables with lima beans in them that would literally make me gag. Not sure what that taught me. I still hate them. The mixed vegetables. Not my parents 😄
Beat me with a galvanized 1/2” pipe at 15 when a neighbor’s dad caught us smoking weed. There were 6 of us. All my friends who got busted, received a talk from their parents and a hidden giggle (to them it wasn’t a big deal). But I was beaten to visible bruises all over my body and still have a scar over my left eye where the first swing landed. For the record, I was beaten for lying , not getting caught smoking weed. (when asked just 2 days before getting busted, he asked if I smoked weed, and I denied it). Also my father was an immigrant to the US and spent a better part of his childhood in a Japanese concentration camp during WWII.
Not make my children "eat every bite" at meal time.
Not apologize. My mom can never admit she's wrong. If she was wrong about something I'd hear some sort of "well, mom though..." from my dad. She was also very heavy handed on punishments for simple mistakes. I remember spending hours cleaning up a broken glass that I'd dropped on the floor when I was about 6. Then she'd find another tiny piece and I'd have to spend another hour sweeping the tiny kitchen in our apartment while she lectured me that if someone got even the tiniest sliver in their foot we'd have to go the emergency room. My wife looked at me like I was insane when I mentioned that. Having this happen a couple of times scarred me so much I wouldn't let my own kids handle glassware when emptying the dishwasher until my therapist pointed out "Are you going to react the way your mom did if they break something?" and I realized that I absolutely would not. On the couple of times there's been broken glass I recognize that it was an accident (although I still wanted to strangle the damn cat lol), reassure them that it's ok and just have them help me clean it up. Now if they legit grabbed a glass and just hurled it at the wall I'd be mad, but that's a bit different from it slipping out of your hand.
I'm gonna trust him. I'm gonna make sure that he knows that I love him, I got his back no matter what, and he will always have a home as long as I live.
Keep pornography in the home. My children went through puberty and young adulthood unjaded. I wish I was not exposed to tittilating material at such a vulnerable age.
Neglect: Sleeping their life away and ignoring us kids. Parentification: Acting like I’m a live in maid and baby sitter, not a person, and screaming from their bed to make them a sammich despite being able bodied. Then screaming and grounding me becuz I didn’t add mayonnaise to their sandwich despite them not requesting it. (Funny fucking story. I lost the privilege to see my father that weekend cuz I was grounded over a fucking sand which) Pure laziness and rudeness. Just get an abortion next time, damn.
Pretty much told me I was on my own at 18. I have been taking care of my life by myself with zero external support for 30 years now. I will be here for my kids until I die.
Hold things over their head that I’m obligated to do as a parent like, “putting clothes over on their back, food in their mouth, and a roof over their head”.
Absolutely what the fuck. Same. I'm sad others experienced this too 💔
I am so sorry too :(
I'm going to let my kids have feelings and opinions. Also, if they are crying, I will be attentive. There will be zero emotional neglect in our house.
Spank
Absolutely everything. I've never seen two such selfish people in my life. It's astonishing that they found each other in life and could be selfish together. They were completely disinterested when we were growing up. They forged no relationship between me and my brother either, never instructing us to care for each other play together or exchange gifts. My brother has zero interest in my existence even there is the element of competition to just steal my mother's attention away from me. The neglect in my early and later years also took its toll on me causing me to become schizotypal. Now don't think I'm schizophrenic...I'm not hearing voices or seeing hallucinations. But I have an odd belief system, seeing "signs" in everything, believing I'm psychic and paranoia too. My parents had zero interest in us so I cannot understand why they bothered to have kids. My father even didn't buy us Christmas presents ever . Mother never organised birthday parties for us. Yes it stung. I would go to other kids parties and see a cake there. And I would go home wondering "why do I not have birthday parties". And it also brainwashes a person into believing you should live on the outer edges of society , you are not part of society.
Let them be bullied by relatives. I went mute for 5ish years because of it. My parents did nothing to defend me. Now I don't want anything to do with them
Playing favourites
Let me put it this way. When I faced a difficult issue with one of my children, I always asked the question, 'What would my father have done in this situation?' Then I did the opposite. My three children have turned into happy, emotionally healthy adults.
Never heard my parents tell me they're proud of me. A bit unfair to hold this against them, they're genuinely great people who I'm only growing more fond of as time moves on. But I might genuinely start crying if I ever hear them say they're proud of me, weird. Still, you can be damned sure I'm telling my kids I'm proud of them every god damned night before they go to sleep.
I won't promote irrational beliefs or conspiracy theories
I have never, and can stay confidently I will never, tell my kid that I made a mistake when I had them. I’ve had to hear it, and it doesn’t feel good.
Aww so many, no I love you’s, no hugs. Different era.
Indoctrinate them into the Mormon cult. I'm pretty proud of that after 9 generations of nonstop gaslighting in my family.
" because I said so "
I won’t emotionally abuse them. I won’t make fake Facebook profiles to harass their friends and run them off because I want my child to be miserable and lonely. I won’t cheat on my husband and force my child into the lap of my lover and watch him assault my child. P.s. I’m going to therapy and suggest everyone to try going
I will not expect them to be like me or my fiancée/partner. I would want them to have their own personality and interests. I would want them to be comfortable and feel valid and supported in their own skin. We decided not to have kids but when we discussed the idea of it, that was the first thing I brought up. My parents are good people and I have a good relationship with them. They did a lot of things right, but they also expected me to be just like them and were upset and offended when I developed interests they didn’t have or views they disagreed with. Even today as an adult I have to remind them “I’m not you.”
Not actually communicating what I did wrong and why, I got in trouble a lot as a kid and lots of times I didn't know what I did wrong, I was sent to my room for at least 24+ hours with no food and had to physically beg and cry to use the bathroom, and when I didn't make it to the bathroom I was yelled at and the time was longer :) so yeah, probably not that
have them
Same!
Scolding in front of others.
Never make a promise I can't keep. My father used to promise the world and never delivered on any.
Not being a helicopter parent
leave them in the pub car park with coke and crisp while they had a quick pint.. 80’s was a different time .
Cheating. I don’t care about divorce cuz once you can’t stand your partner anymore,it’s time to leave! On the other hand,divorce might be the best decision someone makes for them and their kids. But cheating is the worst. And my dad did.
Compared to some of the other answers I think I had pretty good parents, but one thing I always said I would never do was tease them about liking someone. If my parents even thought I liked a girl I would get bigtime razzing about it. I think it hurt my social development and I was shy to begin with.
Being emotionally disconnected. Never asking how I felt or how a situation made me feel. And neither of them are good at offering any comfort when it's needed most.
Not telling me the reason why they say no to something. SO frustrating!
They would always compare me to other kids. "Why does X have a better grade than you? " "Why isn't your room as clean as Y's room? " Etc... It made me hate myself for a long time. I wouldn't want to do that to my children
Tell them that they've put on weight, or tell them when someone else has said they've put on weight... Literally happened a few weeks ago. My aunt was saying I'd lost weight. My mum laughed and said "no she hasn't, her cousin told me last week that she's put on too much weight." Then she laughed and dismissed me when I said I was trying to lose weight with "ha ok then like you're going to lose anything".
I don't have kids, but I have plenty of friends & family that do. I grew up in a fairly conservative household, and a lot of my friends are also pretty conservative parents. Now, I don't disagree with keeping bad things away from kids, like social media, porn, violent TV/movies, drugs/alcohol, etc. However, unlike my parents I won't block it, hide it, or pretend it doesn't exist. Nor do I plan on playing the "It's OK for me b/c I'm an adult, but not for you b/c you are a child." card. I want them to enjoy things with me, and so my plan is to do just that. I haven't figured out how I'll handle doing things that might seem interesting to them, but is not age appropriate. For example, I don't know if I will be able to watch something like GoT or FMA:Brotherhood until they can.
My mom's default response was always either "no" or "you don't need to do that." Things like wanting to learn guitar, or take karate, or things like that. It had effects well into adulthood where I would just assume these types of things were not for me. I wasn't one of those people that could play an instrument or learn a martial art. I finally, in my late 20s, began both of those things. I never want my children to miss out on something like that and have to play catch-up later in life.
Neglect. So Pay attention to them, teach them as much as I can, listen to them, and all around just be there.
Be gone from the house for 14 hours for work. I love my dad and appreciate how hard he worked to provide for me, but I told myself I'd be around more for my kids. Especially after finding out that my dad essentially made himself a millionaire by working so much. I didn't need a millionaire.
Not using shame and guilt to condition behaviour. Not holding my children to a higher standard than I hold myself to. Teaching them to respect themselves, love their bodies and brains, and recognising that they’re their own person/s and to make choices that reflect what they actually want and feel good doing - not pushing them to do what I would do or want them to do based on my own experiences and beliefs. Guidance and teaching accountability, not force and fear.
Comparison..thats it
Divorce and use them as a pawn.
Speak for them. My parents did this all the time. I never got to think for myself until I was way too old and realized I had no opinions of my own, and all my feelings had been neglected unless my parents ‘agreed’. I’ve learned from it and am very vocal with my feelings and opinions now. My dad still tries to answer questions for me and I shut it down immediately.
I chose not to tell stories about my kids that would embarrass them in front of others. My dad was so insecure that telling stories about my mistakes made him feel better about himself. And he wondered why I moved far away from him.
Allow friends to abuse me for money and drugs
Have a kid I don’t want.
My parents make me feel bad when I talk about my feelings to them about something
Send them to Catholic school.
Slapping. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold any anger to my parents for giving us a slap when we "deserved" it, it's just how it was in the 90s. But I could never raise my hand to my kids. Just feels wrong.
Ignore them.
Not challenge them enough. I grew up sheltered. I ended up not knowing how to step out of my comfort zone and experience failures until I was already an adult where the stakes were far higher, resulting in much higher mental and physical stress.
i don't have children yet but if i do i refuse to criticize their every move. my father never had/has anything positive to say but he'll always make sure to let me know what i've done "wrong." it really fucked with my self esteem.
Wait until they are adults before wanting to be their friend
Disregarding their own school/university choices and neglecting their specific talents. Not everyone is born to become a lawyer, a doctor or an engineer.
Pretending to be right, no matter what!
Force them to attend religious school. I was forced to go four days a week after school and on Sundays. I was not allowed to participate in sports until I was 14 because it would have interfered with religious school from age 5 on. I chose instead to spend time with them and teach them about science instead.
We always had to finish The old loaf of bread before opening the new one. We were forever eating "old" bread. Now. I buy bread whenever needed and even if a few slices to go on the old, we always eat fresh There are so many uses for 2 day old bread.
Not teach them about money. And how to spend / save it.
If I had any I wouldn’t have stayed together just because I had them.
**Pseudomutuality.** My parents always ***loved*** me, unconditionally and infinitely. But my stepmother... yeah. Not truly.
1. Once I hit high school my parents stopped checking in on my homework. I graduated but my grades definitely would've been better had they been asking what I was learning and making sure I was doing it. 2. The only time I ever heard my parents talk about their bodies was to say how much they hate them. They did talk about their bodies, a lot actually, but only to constantly put themselves down. "My arms are too fat" "I can't wear that, it looks stupid on my body type" "I can't wear shorts because I hate my legs" and so on and so on. I have 3 girls now and that bullshit 100% ends with me.
Forcing them to hug people
Put them in a same gender college bc it drastically changed my ability to speak to women! I couldn't speak to them at all
Make them embarrassed and shame them about their bodies
Talk down to me like I wasn't a person.😒 I year my like with the same respect I want them to give me - teach by example.🥰
Beat them and put them against each other
Hitting, spanking. I try not to raise my voice too often either although I’m not perfect
My father was a very abusive drunk and hated me everyday that he lived. He taught me what not to do in life. No alcoholism, smoking or drugs. I did more for my son than was ever done for me and I'm proud of that.
Neglect them
Never break a promise. If don't know I can do it will qualify it so they know something may happen.
Guilt trips.
Hide their medical issues from me. They did this because my mom thought I wouldn’t be able to handle anything going on with them but even a small: so dad has so and so going on right now. Would have been better than being in the dark until something big happened. I made a promise to myself to not repeat that mistake with my daughter and have kept that promise.
Smoke cigarettes
Smoke cigarettes
Communication. I know what the polar opposite does to a kid/home
Communication. I know what the polar opposite does to a kid/home
Compare them. I am south Asian and my parents had this obnoxious habit of comparing me and my sibling to other kids. My parents still do that , like literally I was getting married and my mom was like look at your cousin she is not interfering with anything in her marriage. She is just so demure and blah blah blah . I was so pissed off. If at any time my partner compares me to anyone my temper just hit the room. So I will not be doing that to my future kids. I will understand they have their own personalities and will understand them.
Be abusive/neglectful physically, mentally, and emotionally
Raise them in church.
To never become an alcoholic. I drink on occasion but it’s very rare
Chain smoking everywhere.
Religion
Talk about my own weight.
Spanking. Hitting. Beating. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse. It ends with me
Make my kids call me “ma’am” or else.
Also, I won't be telling my kids that their mom was dead until they are in 5th grade. That's what my mom told me about my dad. Turns out he just didn't want anything to do with me.
Overprotective not letting your kid do anything? Like fr
Spanking
Gaslight them or talk poorly about their body
Abuse
Spanking. And no, I do not think there is an 'appropriate' use of it. If you do, you're in good company and a lot of people agree with you. Please engage with them instead
Ignoring their children pleas for help when they were bullied in school and advising them to "grow a spine" and "put a mental barrier and then the bullies won't hurt you because it is all in your head."
My parents were extremely strict growing up and what it taught my siblings and I is how to be sneaky. Therefore we would hide so much from them and be very secretive, and now telling them anything we do as adults feels uncomfortable because we know that they are security judging us.
Lie to them. Blatantly and obviously. Compare them to others. Make any negative comments regarding their physical looks.
Not shame them for crying or having feelings and also not screaming at them when I’m upset with their behavior. There’s so much more but those are the two biggest ones.
i won’t be abusive, neglectful, forceful, violent, greedy, controlling, mean like my dad.
Say no to sleep overs. Even with the next door neighbor
I will never leave my children guessing if I love and support them. At the end of my life there will be no question that they were always my priority and the very soul of me.
I’d not spank them as a form of punishment.
I promised myself I would tell my children I love them every day. They would grow up knowing I love them. I have been telling them this several times a day for the past 34 and 32 years, and I will never stop. I still struggle to believe anyone would/could love me
Not take shit in stride. We were expected to know how to do everything, and if we goofed it was the end of the world. Make a mess? END OF THE WORLD. And the end result was that I became a timid, confidence-less person afraid to stand up for herself or try new things. My kids are intellectually disabled and homeschooled, so there are many messes each day. I am the epitome of patience. I know a lot of messes look bigger than they really are and aren't that difficult to clean. Housework is just part of the daily routine. The kids are taught how to do things. If they fail, I model again or offer a different way. I'm not going to say I'm ZEN MAMA or something. There are definitely times on stressful days I've failed. But, I apologize and try again, or take a break until I can do better. My husband still defaults to the angry cleaning and blowing small things out of proportion. They see more of me, so I hope they take after me in that regard. My mom constantly angry cleaning is one of my most upsetting memories.
Physical punishment. I don’t have kids but if I ever had them I would never lay a hand on them. Lots of people are in denial about the implications of physical punishment and long term emotional instability.
have kids
Organized Religion
Treat my kid as "a friend" like mocking, teasing and pranking them. Guess my father was too young and immature (22yo) when he had me. I fking hate him. My uncle often said to me that I looked like the adult one and I was 10 years old.
Having kids 😭💀
I would say abuse them
Change school districts
Have them then abandon them. I NEVER wanted kids.
My parents didn’t want me and my brother diagnosed with ADHD bc they didn’t want as labeled with that throughout our K-12 career. Now me and my brother are both diagnosed and treated. I was BARELY getting a 2.0 in high school until I got treatment and now in college I’m maintaining a 3.4 easily. Things are different now and I’m just glad it’s not labeled as a bad thing 100% anymore.
Have kids in general
Make them eat Brussel sprouts, amirite?
My kids can tell us anything . We are really lucky that our kids come to us with all sorts of problems. They know we are listening. Kids are all adults and still chat about what's bothering them . My childhood was completely different we just said what parents wanted to hear.
Spankings and screaming. Although honestly, the yelling was worse. To this day, angry shouts in a male voice make me fearful, and if the man is angry at *me* it’s downright terrifying. I also vowed to explain important things to my kids. My mother had a period of severe depression and nobody ever explained it to five-year-old me. Nobody ever told me that I didn’t have to be the family peacemaker because I was afraid my parents’ arguments meant they might get a divorce. I ended up not having kids, but I am a teacher and I try to be sensitive about this stuff with my students. For what it’s worth, my parents are both still alive and married - and we have good relationships. The distance and boundaries created by adulthood have helped me a lot and I don’t feel the need to confront them about it when it wouldn’t matter now anyway. They’re old now, they didn’t have parenting lessons, and they did the best they could under the enormous stress of trying to raise a poor-ish family in the 80s.
Have kids