It really depends on their individual personality, how they suffered, when they suffered and for how long.
One from my own experience is quiet stepping. I did a business course a few years ago at a TAFE (community college type place), and often I would unintentionally startle my classmates by quietly sneaking into the room. They would be having a conversation and all of a sudden BAM! I'm right behind them. It didn't take long for them to notice and rib me for it. Didn't have the heart to tell them it comes from wanting to blend into the furniture as a kid due to a tense household.
My husband does this. I joke that he's a 6'4" 260lb ninja in motorcycle boots.
The reality is his mom wet through a rough patch after his dad died where she kind of yo-yo'd between church and the bottom of a bottle and it was really tough on him. She's better now and we're all close but it gave him that lifelong habit of moving quietly.
I learned to be DEAD SILENT when living with an abusive stepdad. I could be in my room doing all kinds of shit and you'd never know I was home. Glad your husband's mom is better and I hope he is too.
Yeah, I did the same. I learned to do my best to basically not exist, especially when my stepfather was sleeping off a bender.
He's much better now. It's been close to 40 years and they've both had professional help, and we've been best friends since preschool so we both kind of get each other's quirks that way.
I have a pain condition, causing me 24/7 non stop agony. My husband was the only person who was ever able to tell when I was in a lot of pain before I was, and recommended that I stop what I was doing, rest, etc. he also walks like a ballet dancer even though he's 230lbs. He was amazing, and I fell in love with him.
It wasn't until later that I figured it out; he was able to read my moods so well because he grew up in an abusive environment and it was *necessary* for him to know if I was truly angry or just in a lot of pain.
His skills really are life changing to me. My whole existence is based on blocking the pain out, so I don't notice it's getting bad until it's too late, but he tells me to stop before I'm past my limit. He also offers my doctor's very valuable observations, he's so much more observant than I am. But the way he learned these skills breaks my heart.
I’m 29 and just realized this is probably why I also walk quietly and often unintentionally “sneak up” on people.
Mom worked 3rd shift growing up and we lived in a creaky 100+ year old house with all wood floors.
I feel this…I have had coworkers get jump scared by my 6”2 self more often then I can count and every time “why do you move so quietly?” My dude it is because sometimes drawing attention is dangerous and that scared kid still lives in me.
I'm 6"3 and weigh 24 stone. People look at me stupid when they see that the scared kid still resides inside of me. Like nearly everything worries me and gives me anxiety.
Although this can be a valid one due to tense household situations, please keep in mind that there may also be a different reason for that. I am a 6'5 or 195 and by no means small in weight either, yet I am always startling people, since I also walk around very quietly like a ninja and this is only really due to me being a nightowl from early in life. I was just sneaking around at home when my parents were asleep, so I learned to be extra quiet to not wake them up.
I remember army boot camp years ago. Sequestered in training for months.
Every 2 weeks we got bused to the on base store , like a Walgreens.
I’ve never been so excited to go to a convince store in my life .
I wish i could learn how to enjoy the super small and simple joys in my life. I'm often pessimistic nowadays and tend to hate on everything and everyone now, i notice.
I've learned if I can keep my sense of humor it helps. A bad situation is better if I notice it'll be a good story or I see some quirk in it.
Also learned I have to make it a habit to stop and focus on small things. Instead of "stop and smell the flowers" I say "stop and see the leaves". I look at a tree and start focusing on the individual leaves and after a moment I'm seeing a richer more colorful and nuanced tree, and I become slightly more grounded and present.
Edit: spelling
I like this.
At break times I'll take myself away and sit by the river with a little can of cola and enjoy the less musty air, the cold tang of the drink, and just try to be grateful.
I have alot to be thankful and sometimes I feel so guilty for having depression.
Seconded. I got hooked on watching bugs when I had a toddler. You never realize how cool they are til you really start watching, now I'm constantly hunching over checking out weird bugs. They're like little aliens!
Self awareness is a good sign and should show you are capable of making a change. If you make a conscious effort to be appreciative and be positive before you know it this will become your reality. Life is beautiful it is even better when you appreciate all the things that make it so.
“Not accepting help from anyone”That’s me but I didn’t realize why I was like that. It makes sense after reading this one. Mom was abusive alcoholic, and I ran away a lot.
This was me. Thankfully, when I was a teenager, I broke away from that environment and learned better.
I can still remember the moment I realized that mindset was stupid. I was working a camp job that was very remote. There was a point where there was a nasty bug going around, and I got it even worse. This coworker I'd gotten really close with kept offering me stuff for the symptoms and I kept politely declining until he finally asked me what the fuck was wrong with me and to just take the fucking medicine.
Gotta talk to my therapist about this but that would be asking for help. I've had it ingrained since I can remember that I'm on my own, youngest of a big family so it was either take care of myself or no one would.
They expect sadness and let down so they just stay unbothered and feel useless because things are gonna happen to them regardless is probably what they think so
Yeah that's me, I have to many of the things mentioned in this post. I like my humor though even if it objectively is a bit to dark sometimes.
But everyone who has ever known me has somehow always understood that I'm just a bit weird sometimes, that I'm just joking around.
Everyone at work is like 'You're so calm, even during emergencies, how do you do it?' Um this is my life for as long as I can remember, I have to stay calm because otherwise I'll be a crying mess on the floor, and I'm only allowed to do that in private.
I lost my father unexpectedly a few years ago and this one of the biggest changes I noticed in myself recently. Way fewer lows, but also fewer highs. In an effort to suppress my sadness I have kind of suppressed all emotions to an extent.
I’m so, sorry to hear that. Please know it’s okay to be and feel like that, I’d like to think most of us can see that it’s a lived-thru-pain lack of reaction. Thinking of you <3
Ugh this is me. My husband told me the other day that he was going to get a huge life changing change at work. Like this is probably the best news of his career and I felt so guilty for not sounding more excited. I told him I was excited and proud of him but I never sound excited about anything. I said, "You know I'm weird about news." He said, "I know how you are, it's okay!" But I felt like such an asshole.
I'm usually just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
As a teacher and in life I see it often. Some individuals will just say it flat out others leave crumbs: That need for an extra hug. Unexplained anger and frustration. The constant need to be seen and heard. Overly emotional or eager to please. Also, eating habits.
It's too damn accessible and acceptable. I can not drink for a while, but when I start, I don't know when to stop, and I do honestly like drinking a bit. Real shame. Wish it wasn't so easy to get (not that I'm trying to minimise my own responsibility in it).
Me too man. Havent had a drink in weeks now, aint hard at all, but when that first beer goes down the hatch its like i let go of all inhibitions. I used to dribk a beer or three on friday evening the past year. I had to wait to start drinking them ubtill the store had closed down because i knew that if i finished them i woukd run to the store to get more.
It depends on what type of hard life they’ve had. I used to work with a woman that grew up in a third world country in extreme poverty. She did unbelievably demanding physical labor. She made it to the US and started working for me as one of my employees. Most people would consider the work she was doing back breaking labor. Half of the new people I hired would quit within the first few days because it was too hard for them. This woman said to me one day, “This is the easiest job I’ve ever had. We have air conditioning.”
We ended up becoming good friends when working together. By all accounts, she's doing well: married, has kids, owns a house. She's still one of the hardest-working people I know.
That totally checks out.
My first job as a 17 year old kid fresh out of high school was a package handler for UPS. Basically loading the trucks with all the stuff people ship. It's physically exhausting, back-breaking labor and there was very high turnover because people were always quitting. There was this one short, thin, wiry guy I worked with who was an absolute beast though, despite his size, and had been there for years. Pretty much the best worker there also. He had come from Vietnam or Laos or Cambodia, I can't remember which.
Weird take. Jobs that require physical work need to exist, and people who are not fit for physical labor and underestimate how hard it is exist too. It’s not weird to me these groups occasionally overlap.
Many people aren't built for physical labor. I run an exterior cleaning business. Spending 8+ hours outside in 100-degree heat, moving equipment around, and climbing onto roofs isn't a cakewalk. The air conditioning she was referring to was the AC in the truck. I do the labor with my employees, so I know what they go through. It's hard physical work, plain and simple.
In the past, I've gone out on a limb and hired people coming from office jobs. Those are the ones that don't last. Understandably, going from a stagnant desk job to a full week of manual labor is quite a shock to the body. A high turnover rate is common within this industry due to the physically taxing nature of the work.
A lot of isolation ("loners") is not that subtle but it's extraordinary how people fail to recognise what it actually is, or how many people mischaracterize it as something else.
We tend to avoid the people who need community the most. And the reason they've usually gone without it is because they've lived a hard life which, coupled with a lack of community, leads to problems that act as a confirmation bias for those who believe that isolated people are that way because they deserve it.
It may manifest as cries for help, trying too hard, poor social skills, maladaptive coping mechanisms, anger, addiction, poor emotional control... A lack of community is fatal, I'm starting to believe.
In this way, it's hard for me to not see society today as a moralistically performative society in this sense because we don't want to recognise the extent of our participation, choosing instead to demonize to comfort our own ego. But this is also deep social psychology stuff. People prefer simple answers that are neatly packaged. (I'm generalizing here, this is not speaking to OPs post or anything.)
Being born into good support structures, into families who love you, accept you, or at least meet the bare minimum requirements, into geographical locations where you can meet people who accept you and support you, into stable environments, into good schools, into financial comfort, into cities with options and mental health facilities, into countries that recognize certain health conditions and countries that treat them, all of these things are privileges that mean people who may have hard lives are effectively safeguarded by privilege.
And the lack of those privileges, importantly, affect all races, sexes, and demographics. As a result, many people slip through the cracks. Some slip through because it's assumed their isolation is a product of some self-imposed confinement, or hideous trait, or their own failure, or not utilizing a privilege they never actually had.
I've twice now in my life chosen to keep contact with problematic people despite having my own deep struggles, and twice I have seen two people flourish with healthier views the moment someone allows them to ask questions and learn and be a part of a community. In one case it was hard though and anomalous because it took 15 years as they had become quite defensive in their views as will happen when people live their lives in isolation. It takes a long time for people to learn to trust. And it requires us to show them compassion even if they may be failing to show it to others.
**Edit:** The thing that gave away that they had a hard life was isolation, and what happens to people in that isolation when it's persistent. Also worth mentioning that these people are vulnerable. I now also see this deeply as an adult who has gone through trauma therapy. In this vulnerable place, those we don't accept or bring into our communities, being vulnerable, will be easily lured into a community who will accept the products of their isolation, whatever that entails. Because when you're vulnerable, you'll take acceptance wherever you can get it just to not feel alone.
But again, neat packaging and all that.
Keeping everyone at an arm's length. Even if they're friendly with you - even if they're friends with you - they will never put themselves in a position where they had to rely on you, or share sensitive parts of their life.
>Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness and remains far behind yours. Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.
- *Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke*
Hey. Genuinely curious. Is reposting this comment a technique used for farming karma for purposes of making money with it somehow or is it something else? I did something similar many years ago back on old school reddit because I never got upvotes so I copied an old clever comment on a post I knew was a repost. I always wonder what is actually happening when I see this.
They stay quiet. We know what it’s like to have people that know everything tell you how to run your life. If I had the means, yes, I know how.
They look tired af. They’re tired of dealing with people’s shit.
They buy cheap stuff and use coupons. Don’t need a tiny $30 bag of organic rice that’s been sung to by angels and fed water straight from a glacier, a big 50 pound of rice is fine.
When they always seem overly prepared for any situation, carrying extra supplies or knowing multiple backup plans. It's like they've learned to expect things to go wrong.
Probably the fact that they don’t complain.
Lost people that have actually had a hard life don’t like to revisit that.
People who have exaggerated their hard life tend to want to tell everyone about what they endured.
That doesn’t mean that everyone that talks about their hard life is exaggerating or making stuff up but the guy who just sits there and doesn’t say shit probably is the real deal.
Trying to do things perfectly and by themselves so they don't get caught asking for help (how dare they!) and don't attract critical comments, without expecting any positive comments for their work.
Nice to everyone. (Why not?)
Distrusting. (What are you after?)
Couldn't care about themselves. (I don't care for myself, but I care for you.)
Encouraging. (I'm certain you can achieve your goals. Give it a try. See what happens.)
Occasionally blunt. (No. Don't lie to me or get lost.)
Patient. (I don't mind waiting)
Tired. (so fucking tired.)
Source: me. This is how I am after an abusive childhood and marriage.
EDIT: Sorry for the poor format, mobile user.
Apologetic. (Sorry for messing up)
People who have had a rough life eat every part of the wing except the bone. Nothing going to waste. The saying may have made more sense a couple decades ago when chicken wings were thought of as a cheap bad food not an expensive meal like today.
So true, this made me chuckle. When we were poor kids my bestie would get so enraged by her little sister not just eating the bones clean but crunching and sucking on them. We lucked out and all three of us are well-fed these days.
holy shit, I do this. People often comment on how good I clean the meat off of bones. Barbeque ribs are my favorite food and I love wings too. I never would have thought the awful shit I experienced as a kid caused me to eat like that.
If they constantly stock food even if they're not out and have a hard getting ride of foodstuffs, that's of no use. Learned food insecurity is a big one, I think.
The "buck up" additude, especially if they've seen hell.
Because they eventually get tired of watching others crumble under a fraction of what they faced.
It depends what kind of hard life they have had. Not everyone's struggles are the same. Some people grow up in mansions in the lap of luxury and have large trust funds but they were abused mentally, physically, and sexually their whole childhood. That is a very hard life. Some people grew up in horrible poverty in dangerous neighborhoods witnessing brutal violence constantly but they had a loving family that didn't abuse them. That is also a hard life too but it's a different kind of hard life
They complain a lot.
This may not mean they actually have a hard life, but they certainly think they do and their victimized stance makes their life substantially more difficult.
It can be hard to extend compassion to these people, but doing so (without enabling them) can eventually help them change their world view and improve their lives tenfold.
ime anyone under 50 who smokes actual cigarettes usually comes from an impoverished or otherwise very hard life. Idk if there’s an actual correlation there but it’s been true in my experience.
The thought of confrontation makes me so anxious, people tell me I have to stand up for myself more/shouldn’t let people walk over me, but when you grow up around screaming and shouting on a daily basis you do anything to avoid that, diffuse the situation, take the blame, whatever it is. Even when I’m right, I’d rather say I’m wrong than argue for myself. I just really like peace now.
If they are rude for no reason. I always tell my kids: When you are respectful and the other person is not: It is never about you. They struggle and you are their punching bag in that moment.
That helps from taking it personal.
Not having a knee jerk reaction to situations. Worry lines/wrinkles earlier than others. Long periods of isolation. Thinking everyone hates them all the time.
Food insecurity.
This isn't a hard and fast rule, of course. Sometimes people are just fast eaters. But I've definitely noticed it: people with rough childhoods eating quickly or eating alone, leaning over their plate, stockpiling food in their room, that kind of thing. It can really mess with someone's head and affect their relationship with food going forward.
I had a really rough childhood and I can often tell when others did without them saying anything. It may bee too subtle because people clearly expect to be shocking me with what they say but I can almost sense it coming before it happens. All I say is "it's OK. I know it's hard"
My parents watched people, including their neighbors and friends, get murdered/ assassinated. They had to steal food from farms to feed themselves and my siblings when they were toddlers, even if the risks included immediate death or torture. They were forced to do manual labor on farms all day long. They couldn't trust anyone because the "birds were always watching and listening." I'm sure they've done terrible shit that they wish they could forget... just to survive.
They survived a genocide and fled to the USA with nothing.
I would say being POC with workaholism and not speaking much English even after years of being immersed in the language. Maybe a little narcissism. The silence and avoidance when you ask about their story for coming to the USA.
The other signs aren't so subtle - not to those of us at home, anyway.
Awful or bad manners which makes you think if they ever had a guardian even look at their direction. This can come in multiple psychological effects. Like them thinking "that's what everyone else did when i mimicked them", "i thought this is how it's done", "couldn't care less. no one was interested before and now", etc. It can either lead to bullies, getting bullied or the so called "polite student", when in truth they have never spoken up because they never learnt to socialise from their first and primary source. There are also the kind of kids and teens awfully welcoming towards strangers, since they are thriving for any kind of love at this point. Even if it's bad and just an attention seeking behavior.
Of course these attributes can as well exist within a household when children are taken care of, yet there's an underlying feeling of "why are you like this?", "do you have nobody at home for this or what?", etc. Like a subtle sadness is running through them, untouched by everyone.
They are always understanding, never quick to anger, always gentle about even the simplest things.
Also the first person who will give you a buck when you need it- even if they dont even have any shoes.
I feel bad saying this, because there’s so much stigma around it, but bad teeth. I grew up pretty poor and just assumed it was normal for people to have dental problems that went unaddressed because of financial hardship. And speaking from personal experience, unaddressed dental issues suck so much.
I lost so much sleep because of the mental and physical toll they took on me (excruciating pain sometimes, coupled with the knowledge I would have to go deep in debt to alleviate that pain). It affected my dating (I was ashamed to tell partners what was up), etc.
Many people had hard lives, few managed to learn anything from it. My answer is different that most; strength is the outcome of a hard life, strenght and compassion.
Alot of people commented on the calmness and the acceptance of things most people would take for granted, and thats true
But there's also the opposite - the nihilistic and depressed, the angsty ones
Now I dont mean those with what is quite obviously just an attitude problem, you can tell who's legit if you stop to take a look - some people just straight up lost all sense of control and humanity, some might say depressed people fall under this category
They may not be as subtle as the ones that are positive in many ways, but too much bs and anguish in one's life psychologically can tear someone apart just as much
Someone you might call "lazy" may have lost all will to live due to things that happened in their lives that may be extreme enough they cant just "be positive"
If the hardness came from a deep rooted sadness at one point, you'd probably see them as the happiest person to be around and someone who is always wanting to cheer you up or make you laugh/smile.
Cuz they know what the darkness feels like and they don't ever want those around them to know what that feels ls like.
Being loners.
Lack of some skill we considers as for granted like driving, swimming etc.
Smoking cigaretters.
Bad teeth.
Addictions esp alvohol and opiates.
Very stingy.
Dark humour.
Being stoic
/unbothered or having a really short fuse/anger issues.
Personality disorders.
- Wrinkles are deeper that are typical for facial expressions of suffering pain and crying and being angry. - They like to make fun, tell jokes and see other people happy
Someone who does everything ridiculously fast(eating-food shoveller, bathing-120 seconds, chores, work) . This was my dad and he had a hard life as a result of managing his household of 3 sisters and 1 widowed mother at his age of 21. He never had time to breathe and only time to work and provide for his family. Even after surpassing hard times that habit never went away.
"Did you have a happy childhood or are you funny?"
I told a friend of mine this saying and he replied, "well, you must've had a fucked up childhood."
I took it as a compliment.
Not having a normal scale for how serious things are. I've only realized that I've had a hard life in the last couple years because for me all of the shit I've been through is normal, and there's nothing that stands out like abuse. One thing that helped me notice is talking to other people and realizing their emergencies would be mundane for me
It really depends on their individual personality, how they suffered, when they suffered and for how long. One from my own experience is quiet stepping. I did a business course a few years ago at a TAFE (community college type place), and often I would unintentionally startle my classmates by quietly sneaking into the room. They would be having a conversation and all of a sudden BAM! I'm right behind them. It didn't take long for them to notice and rib me for it. Didn't have the heart to tell them it comes from wanting to blend into the furniture as a kid due to a tense household.
My husband does this. I joke that he's a 6'4" 260lb ninja in motorcycle boots. The reality is his mom wet through a rough patch after his dad died where she kind of yo-yo'd between church and the bottom of a bottle and it was really tough on him. She's better now and we're all close but it gave him that lifelong habit of moving quietly.
I learned to be DEAD SILENT when living with an abusive stepdad. I could be in my room doing all kinds of shit and you'd never know I was home. Glad your husband's mom is better and I hope he is too.
Yeah, I did the same. I learned to do my best to basically not exist, especially when my stepfather was sleeping off a bender. He's much better now. It's been close to 40 years and they've both had professional help, and we've been best friends since preschool so we both kind of get each other's quirks that way.
I have a pain condition, causing me 24/7 non stop agony. My husband was the only person who was ever able to tell when I was in a lot of pain before I was, and recommended that I stop what I was doing, rest, etc. he also walks like a ballet dancer even though he's 230lbs. He was amazing, and I fell in love with him. It wasn't until later that I figured it out; he was able to read my moods so well because he grew up in an abusive environment and it was *necessary* for him to know if I was truly angry or just in a lot of pain. His skills really are life changing to me. My whole existence is based on blocking the pain out, so I don't notice it's getting bad until it's too late, but he tells me to stop before I'm past my limit. He also offers my doctor's very valuable observations, he's so much more observant than I am. But the way he learned these skills breaks my heart.
Dad worked nights and we had all hardwood floors. I learned to walk quietly out of the fear of getting whipped to death.
Ahh the memorized stepping pattern on the wood floor bc you know which spots creak….memories lol
I’m 29 and just realized this is probably why I also walk quietly and often unintentionally “sneak up” on people. Mom worked 3rd shift growing up and we lived in a creaky 100+ year old house with all wood floors.
I feel this…I have had coworkers get jump scared by my 6”2 self more often then I can count and every time “why do you move so quietly?” My dude it is because sometimes drawing attention is dangerous and that scared kid still lives in me.
> that scared kid still lives in me. 50 years old and it still hasn't gone away
I'm 6"3 and weigh 24 stone. People look at me stupid when they see that the scared kid still resides inside of me. Like nearly everything worries me and gives me anxiety.
Although this can be a valid one due to tense household situations, please keep in mind that there may also be a different reason for that. I am a 6'5 or 195 and by no means small in weight either, yet I am always startling people, since I also walk around very quietly like a ninja and this is only really due to me being a nightowl from early in life. I was just sneaking around at home when my parents were asleep, so I learned to be extra quiet to not wake them up.
The way they appreciate the small, simple joys in life. It often indicates they've learned to find happiness despite challenges
That's a really wholesome answer. And I very much relate to it.
Same x
I remember army boot camp years ago. Sequestered in training for months. Every 2 weeks we got bused to the on base store , like a Walgreens. I’ve never been so excited to go to a convince store in my life .
I wish i could learn how to enjoy the super small and simple joys in my life. I'm often pessimistic nowadays and tend to hate on everything and everyone now, i notice.
I've learned if I can keep my sense of humor it helps. A bad situation is better if I notice it'll be a good story or I see some quirk in it. Also learned I have to make it a habit to stop and focus on small things. Instead of "stop and smell the flowers" I say "stop and see the leaves". I look at a tree and start focusing on the individual leaves and after a moment I'm seeing a richer more colorful and nuanced tree, and I become slightly more grounded and present. Edit: spelling
I like this. At break times I'll take myself away and sit by the river with a little can of cola and enjoy the less musty air, the cold tang of the drink, and just try to be grateful. I have alot to be thankful and sometimes I feel so guilty for having depression.
Never feel guilty for having depression, the poorest of poor and richest of rich can be depressed. Depression doesn’t discriminate.
This. Go outside and watch the bugs. No joke, go watch them now
Seconded. I got hooked on watching bugs when I had a toddler. You never realize how cool they are til you really start watching, now I'm constantly hunching over checking out weird bugs. They're like little aliens!
Don't forget to listen
Self awareness is a good sign and should show you are capable of making a change. If you make a conscious effort to be appreciative and be positive before you know it this will become your reality. Life is beautiful it is even better when you appreciate all the things that make it so.
This is me. I feel *seen* 🥹 The best memories from my childhood revolve around nature and simple expressions of love.
Oh man.. this is me.. so much
Life is difficult. Simple calmness resets our minds and gives us energy to carry on
Not accepting help from anyone. They have been let down and screwed over so many times they are hyper independent
When the ones closest to us continually disappoint… “nah I’m good”
“Not accepting help from anyone”That’s me but I didn’t realize why I was like that. It makes sense after reading this one. Mom was abusive alcoholic, and I ran away a lot.
This was me. Thankfully, when I was a teenager, I broke away from that environment and learned better. I can still remember the moment I realized that mindset was stupid. I was working a camp job that was very remote. There was a point where there was a nasty bug going around, and I got it even worse. This coworker I'd gotten really close with kept offering me stuff for the symptoms and I kept politely declining until he finally asked me what the fuck was wrong with me and to just take the fucking medicine.
Gotta talk to my therapist about this but that would be asking for help. I've had it ingrained since I can remember that I'm on my own, youngest of a big family so it was either take care of myself or no one would.
They expect sadness and let down so they just stay unbothered and feel useless because things are gonna happen to them regardless is probably what they think so
Oof. I feel this one more than any of the others in this post. Hope you're doing okay, random stranger on the Internet. 💜
Thanks mandy boo
I am a fellow Amanda
Oh hey, it's me
Sometimes dark humour. You learn to laugh it off.
Yeah that's me, I have to many of the things mentioned in this post. I like my humor though even if it objectively is a bit to dark sometimes. But everyone who has ever known me has somehow always understood that I'm just a bit weird sometimes, that I'm just joking around.
I'd go so far as to say any comedian worth their salt has probably had a hard life.
Not talking to people and not trusting anyone.
Always that kinda distancing yourself. I have that too.
The ability to function/act physically and emotionally normal in the face of adversity, both during and after a traumatic event. Trust me.
The venn diagram of "able to appropriately respond to major traffic accidents" and "freezes when writing a simple email" is a circle
Everyone at work is like 'You're so calm, even during emergencies, how do you do it?' Um this is my life for as long as I can remember, I have to stay calm because otherwise I'll be a crying mess on the floor, and I'm only allowed to do that in private.
Hahaha I feel called out
They always act like they're an inconvenience to others and when you do something nice for them they apologize for "being a bother".
The dulness they get in their eyes when they realize they can’t trust you.
It’s become my default expression.
One of my closest friends turned out to be a devil, I could feel myself clocking out as I looked him in the face.
They don’t overreact to drama or get overly excited about good news, their baseline is just a lot more mellow
I lost my father unexpectedly a few years ago and this one of the biggest changes I noticed in myself recently. Way fewer lows, but also fewer highs. In an effort to suppress my sadness I have kind of suppressed all emotions to an extent.
I’m so, sorry to hear that. Please know it’s okay to be and feel like that, I’d like to think most of us can see that it’s a lived-thru-pain lack of reaction. Thinking of you <3
I'm sorry about your dad man
Ugh this is me. My husband told me the other day that he was going to get a huge life changing change at work. Like this is probably the best news of his career and I felt so guilty for not sounding more excited. I told him I was excited and proud of him but I never sound excited about anything. I said, "You know I'm weird about news." He said, "I know how you are, it's okay!" But I felt like such an asshole. I'm usually just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This is definitely me. My baseline isn’t just mellow, it feels like my peaks and troughs are shallow too.
Unfortunately it can show on their face. They can look much older than they actually are.
This answer isn't as nice or as positive as the other one, sorry. It might not be subtle but it has to be the thousand yard stare.
Yes
People pleasing
Co-dependence is rough.
Yep. And constant apologizing.
Super kind/nice Never asks for anything Doesn’t talk about past Always jumps to the worst case scenario
Damn you just painted a portrait of me
Jesus, just @ me next time... 😮💨
This is it chief
As a teacher and in life I see it often. Some individuals will just say it flat out others leave crumbs: That need for an extra hug. Unexplained anger and frustration. The constant need to be seen and heard. Overly emotional or eager to please. Also, eating habits.
Alcoholism
It's too damn accessible and acceptable. I can not drink for a while, but when I start, I don't know when to stop, and I do honestly like drinking a bit. Real shame. Wish it wasn't so easy to get (not that I'm trying to minimise my own responsibility in it).
Move to countries where alcohol is expensive or illegal. Illegal: Many Islamic countries. Expensive: Norway
I live in the Netherlands, wine is dirt cheap, like €3 a bottle for a Spanish Rueda. But liquor can be decently expensive. So that does help.
Me too man. Havent had a drink in weeks now, aint hard at all, but when that first beer goes down the hatch its like i let go of all inhibitions. I used to dribk a beer or three on friday evening the past year. I had to wait to start drinking them ubtill the store had closed down because i knew that if i finished them i woukd run to the store to get more.
But thats a circle, alcohol also makes your life harder. It's sweet relief when your drunk, but this only lasts till the next morning.
Yup
Their hands look older than their face
So true
It depends on what type of hard life they’ve had. I used to work with a woman that grew up in a third world country in extreme poverty. She did unbelievably demanding physical labor. She made it to the US and started working for me as one of my employees. Most people would consider the work she was doing back breaking labor. Half of the new people I hired would quit within the first few days because it was too hard for them. This woman said to me one day, “This is the easiest job I’ve ever had. We have air conditioning.”
that’s so heartbreaking! I hope her health is well since she’s been doing some type of physical labour for so long
We ended up becoming good friends when working together. By all accounts, she's doing well: married, has kids, owns a house. She's still one of the hardest-working people I know.
That totally checks out. My first job as a 17 year old kid fresh out of high school was a package handler for UPS. Basically loading the trucks with all the stuff people ship. It's physically exhausting, back-breaking labor and there was very high turnover because people were always quitting. There was this one short, thin, wiry guy I worked with who was an absolute beast though, despite his size, and had been there for years. Pretty much the best worker there also. He had come from Vietnam or Laos or Cambodia, I can't remember which.
Maybe fix your own damn workplace if half of the people you hired quid "within the first few days"
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Weird take. Jobs that require physical work need to exist, and people who are not fit for physical labor and underestimate how hard it is exist too. It’s not weird to me these groups occasionally overlap.
Absolutely they should, sadly the poster doesn’t care at all about the woman.
Many people aren't built for physical labor. I run an exterior cleaning business. Spending 8+ hours outside in 100-degree heat, moving equipment around, and climbing onto roofs isn't a cakewalk. The air conditioning she was referring to was the AC in the truck. I do the labor with my employees, so I know what they go through. It's hard physical work, plain and simple. In the past, I've gone out on a limb and hired people coming from office jobs. Those are the ones that don't last. Understandably, going from a stagnant desk job to a full week of manual labor is quite a shock to the body. A high turnover rate is common within this industry due to the physically taxing nature of the work.
A lot of isolation ("loners") is not that subtle but it's extraordinary how people fail to recognise what it actually is, or how many people mischaracterize it as something else. We tend to avoid the people who need community the most. And the reason they've usually gone without it is because they've lived a hard life which, coupled with a lack of community, leads to problems that act as a confirmation bias for those who believe that isolated people are that way because they deserve it. It may manifest as cries for help, trying too hard, poor social skills, maladaptive coping mechanisms, anger, addiction, poor emotional control... A lack of community is fatal, I'm starting to believe. In this way, it's hard for me to not see society today as a moralistically performative society in this sense because we don't want to recognise the extent of our participation, choosing instead to demonize to comfort our own ego. But this is also deep social psychology stuff. People prefer simple answers that are neatly packaged. (I'm generalizing here, this is not speaking to OPs post or anything.) Being born into good support structures, into families who love you, accept you, or at least meet the bare minimum requirements, into geographical locations where you can meet people who accept you and support you, into stable environments, into good schools, into financial comfort, into cities with options and mental health facilities, into countries that recognize certain health conditions and countries that treat them, all of these things are privileges that mean people who may have hard lives are effectively safeguarded by privilege. And the lack of those privileges, importantly, affect all races, sexes, and demographics. As a result, many people slip through the cracks. Some slip through because it's assumed their isolation is a product of some self-imposed confinement, or hideous trait, or their own failure, or not utilizing a privilege they never actually had. I've twice now in my life chosen to keep contact with problematic people despite having my own deep struggles, and twice I have seen two people flourish with healthier views the moment someone allows them to ask questions and learn and be a part of a community. In one case it was hard though and anomalous because it took 15 years as they had become quite defensive in their views as will happen when people live their lives in isolation. It takes a long time for people to learn to trust. And it requires us to show them compassion even if they may be failing to show it to others. **Edit:** The thing that gave away that they had a hard life was isolation, and what happens to people in that isolation when it's persistent. Also worth mentioning that these people are vulnerable. I now also see this deeply as an adult who has gone through trauma therapy. In this vulnerable place, those we don't accept or bring into our communities, being vulnerable, will be easily lured into a community who will accept the products of their isolation, whatever that entails. Because when you're vulnerable, you'll take acceptance wherever you can get it just to not feel alone. But again, neat packaging and all that.
Those with the hardest lives are often the funniest you’ll ever meet
"But Doctor, I am the Great Clown Paggliaci"
Keeping everyone at an arm's length. Even if they're friendly with you - even if they're friends with you - they will never put themselves in a position where they had to rely on you, or share sensitive parts of their life.
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>Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness and remains far behind yours. Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words. - *Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke*
I’m both somehow
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Thanks for saving us, sheriff.
Ikr I swear I just had a tremendous déjà vu
Hey. Genuinely curious. Is reposting this comment a technique used for farming karma for purposes of making money with it somehow or is it something else? I did something similar many years ago back on old school reddit because I never got upvotes so I copied an old clever comment on a post I knew was a repost. I always wonder what is actually happening when I see this.
They stay quiet. We know what it’s like to have people that know everything tell you how to run your life. If I had the means, yes, I know how. They look tired af. They’re tired of dealing with people’s shit. They buy cheap stuff and use coupons. Don’t need a tiny $30 bag of organic rice that’s been sung to by angels and fed water straight from a glacier, a big 50 pound of rice is fine.
Having an uncanny ability to notice any change in other people's mood. And/or an unusually good control of their own expression.
Large personal bubble.
They look older and/or have health issues that aren't common for their age. Growing up with a lot of stress takes a toll on you.
They’re always prepared for the worst
They apologize all the time.
They don’t know how to accept a compliment. They look confused, suddenly evasive, and very awkward.
You being happy brings them joy
When they always seem overly prepared for any situation, carrying extra supplies or knowing multiple backup plans. It's like they've learned to expect things to go wrong.
You are observant lol
That’s also a trait. Being super observant.
Definitely. It’s a huge part of being prepared for some shit to happen
They can't sit in a room with their back to an exit. They always do a quick scan of wherever they are to identify exits
Probably the fact that they don’t complain. Lost people that have actually had a hard life don’t like to revisit that. People who have exaggerated their hard life tend to want to tell everyone about what they endured. That doesn’t mean that everyone that talks about their hard life is exaggerating or making stuff up but the guy who just sits there and doesn’t say shit probably is the real deal.
Their mouth smiles but their eyes don’t
Someone who knows how to value small things in life
Trying to do things perfectly and by themselves so they don't get caught asking for help (how dare they!) and don't attract critical comments, without expecting any positive comments for their work.
Nice to everyone. (Why not?) Distrusting. (What are you after?) Couldn't care about themselves. (I don't care for myself, but I care for you.) Encouraging. (I'm certain you can achieve your goals. Give it a try. See what happens.) Occasionally blunt. (No. Don't lie to me or get lost.) Patient. (I don't mind waiting) Tired. (so fucking tired.) Source: me. This is how I am after an abusive childhood and marriage. EDIT: Sorry for the poor format, mobile user. Apologetic. (Sorry for messing up)
Me.
how much meat they leave on chicken wings.
This is a SUPER subtle one. But very spot on.
Genuinely confused? Care to elaborate?
People who have had a rough life eat every part of the wing except the bone. Nothing going to waste. The saying may have made more sense a couple decades ago when chicken wings were thought of as a cheap bad food not an expensive meal like today.
From my experience, people who had rarely meat on the table would just eat everything leaving clean bones.
So true, this made me chuckle. When we were poor kids my bestie would get so enraged by her little sister not just eating the bones clean but crunching and sucking on them. We lucked out and all three of us are well-fed these days.
holy shit, I do this. People often comment on how good I clean the meat off of bones. Barbeque ribs are my favorite food and I love wings too. I never would have thought the awful shit I experienced as a kid caused me to eat like that.
They don’t trust easily
A person that focuses on practical solutions/actions rather than dwelling on problems
Why is everyone listing off things I do...
Yeah, I've seen 8 things that I relate too and I'm like, "man, I really am fucked up huh"? LOL
a great deal of empathy
not realizing they deserve a break
If they constantly stock food even if they're not out and have a hard getting ride of foodstuffs, that's of no use. Learned food insecurity is a big one, I think.
The "buck up" additude, especially if they've seen hell. Because they eventually get tired of watching others crumble under a fraction of what they faced.
Thousand yard stare
Oh yes, very good description of this way to look, if they feel unwatched.
It depends what kind of hard life they have had. Not everyone's struggles are the same. Some people grow up in mansions in the lap of luxury and have large trust funds but they were abused mentally, physically, and sexually their whole childhood. That is a very hard life. Some people grew up in horrible poverty in dangerous neighborhoods witnessing brutal violence constantly but they had a loving family that didn't abuse them. That is also a hard life too but it's a different kind of hard life
This is a very important nuance. Thank you for pointing it out.
Cautious about everything and everyone…zero-shits given !
One subtle sign is no sign at all. Some folks are just adept at the art of method acting.
They complain a lot. This may not mean they actually have a hard life, but they certainly think they do and their victimized stance makes their life substantially more difficult. It can be hard to extend compassion to these people, but doing so (without enabling them) can eventually help them change their world view and improve their lives tenfold.
ime anyone under 50 who smokes actual cigarettes usually comes from an impoverished or otherwise very hard life. Idk if there’s an actual correlation there but it’s been true in my experience.
The thought of confrontation makes me so anxious, people tell me I have to stand up for myself more/shouldn’t let people walk over me, but when you grow up around screaming and shouting on a daily basis you do anything to avoid that, diffuse the situation, take the blame, whatever it is. Even when I’m right, I’d rather say I’m wrong than argue for myself. I just really like peace now.
If they are rude for no reason. I always tell my kids: When you are respectful and the other person is not: It is never about you. They struggle and you are their punching bag in that moment. That helps from taking it personal.
They avoid talking about their past
Never wears short sleeve shirts.
I can relate to that
They don't flinch when they hear a sudden loud noise
Orrr they flinch at the slightest unharmful actions
They are never completely relaxed
Financially, they get really anxious and upset when spending money on "frivolous" or fun things, even if they deserve it and/or can afford it.
Not having a knee jerk reaction to situations. Worry lines/wrinkles earlier than others. Long periods of isolation. Thinking everyone hates them all the time.
Food insecurity. This isn't a hard and fast rule, of course. Sometimes people are just fast eaters. But I've definitely noticed it: people with rough childhoods eating quickly or eating alone, leaning over their plate, stockpiling food in their room, that kind of thing. It can really mess with someone's head and affect their relationship with food going forward.
Unphased and even calmed by violence.
They tend to be quiet and find comfort in the background.
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Hi ChatGPT!
I had a really rough childhood and I can often tell when others did without them saying anything. It may bee too subtle because people clearly expect to be shocking me with what they say but I can almost sense it coming before it happens. All I say is "it's OK. I know it's hard"
My parents watched people, including their neighbors and friends, get murdered/ assassinated. They had to steal food from farms to feed themselves and my siblings when they were toddlers, even if the risks included immediate death or torture. They were forced to do manual labor on farms all day long. They couldn't trust anyone because the "birds were always watching and listening." I'm sure they've done terrible shit that they wish they could forget... just to survive. They survived a genocide and fled to the USA with nothing. I would say being POC with workaholism and not speaking much English even after years of being immersed in the language. Maybe a little narcissism. The silence and avoidance when you ask about their story for coming to the USA. The other signs aren't so subtle - not to those of us at home, anyway.
Bad Teeth
I've been told I'm alert.
They run from conflict.
Apologizing for everything.
Awful or bad manners which makes you think if they ever had a guardian even look at their direction. This can come in multiple psychological effects. Like them thinking "that's what everyone else did when i mimicked them", "i thought this is how it's done", "couldn't care less. no one was interested before and now", etc. It can either lead to bullies, getting bullied or the so called "polite student", when in truth they have never spoken up because they never learnt to socialise from their first and primary source. There are also the kind of kids and teens awfully welcoming towards strangers, since they are thriving for any kind of love at this point. Even if it's bad and just an attention seeking behavior. Of course these attributes can as well exist within a household when children are taken care of, yet there's an underlying feeling of "why are you like this?", "do you have nobody at home for this or what?", etc. Like a subtle sadness is running through them, untouched by everyone.
They hoard food. Frequently, when you've had a hard life, they don't always know where their next meal is coming from.
A weariness on their face and a kindness that comes from wanting things to be easier for others.
Saying sorry incessantly
They are always understanding, never quick to anger, always gentle about even the simplest things. Also the first person who will give you a buck when you need it- even if they dont even have any shoes.
I always think those hardships make them more humble. They give other people benefit of doubt that they might be going through something sinister.
I feel bad saying this, because there’s so much stigma around it, but bad teeth. I grew up pretty poor and just assumed it was normal for people to have dental problems that went unaddressed because of financial hardship. And speaking from personal experience, unaddressed dental issues suck so much. I lost so much sleep because of the mental and physical toll they took on me (excruciating pain sometimes, coupled with the knowledge I would have to go deep in debt to alleviate that pain). It affected my dating (I was ashamed to tell partners what was up), etc.
Quiet
I don't believe this indicates a single thing about a person's live.
The annoying, cloying, effusive thank yous.
Thank you
No, thank you
No, no, thank you.
Their face is greesy and smudged and they wear a barrel held up by suspenders instead of normal clothes
Many people had hard lives, few managed to learn anything from it. My answer is different that most; strength is the outcome of a hard life, strenght and compassion.
I wholeheartedly disagree with your first sentence. I suspect you actually meant something different and just worded it poorly.
Apparently I have had a hard life. Who knew? (I guess everyone else knows lol.)
A scar across one of their eyes.
Bad teeth
When they look old for their age.
How humble they are?
It's in the eyes.
Finishing everything on their plate coz they've gone thru that hardship of not even knowing when their next meal is going to be 🥹
Alot of people commented on the calmness and the acceptance of things most people would take for granted, and thats true But there's also the opposite - the nihilistic and depressed, the angsty ones Now I dont mean those with what is quite obviously just an attitude problem, you can tell who's legit if you stop to take a look - some people just straight up lost all sense of control and humanity, some might say depressed people fall under this category They may not be as subtle as the ones that are positive in many ways, but too much bs and anguish in one's life psychologically can tear someone apart just as much Someone you might call "lazy" may have lost all will to live due to things that happened in their lives that may be extreme enough they cant just "be positive"
Seeing htem eat out and making sure to get every last crumb/sauce puddle into theri mouths with their fingers..
If the hardness came from a deep rooted sadness at one point, you'd probably see them as the happiest person to be around and someone who is always wanting to cheer you up or make you laugh/smile. Cuz they know what the darkness feels like and they don't ever want those around them to know what that feels ls like.
Being loners. Lack of some skill we considers as for granted like driving, swimming etc. Smoking cigaretters. Bad teeth. Addictions esp alvohol and opiates. Very stingy. Dark humour. Being stoic /unbothered or having a really short fuse/anger issues. Personality disorders.
toughness
Bad grammar. I know it sounds stupid, but people from broken homes didn't have someone hounding them to use proper grammar.
- Wrinkles are deeper that are typical for facial expressions of suffering pain and crying and being angry. - They like to make fun, tell jokes and see other people happy
Someone who does everything ridiculously fast(eating-food shoveller, bathing-120 seconds, chores, work) . This was my dad and he had a hard life as a result of managing his household of 3 sisters and 1 widowed mother at his age of 21. He never had time to breathe and only time to work and provide for his family. Even after surpassing hard times that habit never went away.
They laugh at tragedy.
"Did you have a happy childhood or are you funny?" I told a friend of mine this saying and he replied, "well, you must've had a fucked up childhood." I took it as a compliment.
Things that a lot of people freak out / stress about don't seem to bother them
Not having a normal scale for how serious things are. I've only realized that I've had a hard life in the last couple years because for me all of the shit I've been through is normal, and there's nothing that stands out like abuse. One thing that helped me notice is talking to other people and realizing their emergencies would be mundane for me
The condition of their phone.