If you have income from illegal sources you should still declare the income on your tax return as miscellaneous income. That way at least you can’t be charged with tax evasion.
Get. A. Bidet.
The most convincing rational is just asking “how far does poo need to be away from your butthole before you clean it with more than just paper? Now why is your butthole the exception?”.
if you’re a dude and worried about performing the first time with a lady (usually the worst time for us, overly excited, don’t know what they like, sometimes been drinking, etc) go down on them until they come (if they want you to, and if you can) - no matter what happens after that they had a decent time even if you shit the bed later - figuratively not literally, if you actually shit the bed an orgasm probably isn’t going to save you unless you’re a god.. a shitty god.
When stimulating nipples and the clitoris, don't rub hard and incessantly. Porn vids are extreme in that regard. Sometimes a held medium pressure is way more pleasurable. Pay attention to subtle responses in breath and body tension to learn what works best
I find that tensing my arm muscles from time to time during sex helps me last longer.
Edit: No, not in the Patrick Bateman way lmao, just keeping my arms in the same position they normally would be during our lovemaking, and flexing
Simply putting your index and thumb to make a circle shape and then stroking the base of the head usually works like a charm and it makes the full hand after way better.
My old college roommate told me that's how he holds his pee on road trips. Confused me so much until I remembered back in sex ed when they told us you couldn't pee with a boner.
I can totally pee with a boner
If you find yourself about to call that "crazy chick/guy" because you are horny, go rub one out. Get it out of your system. You will save yourself a possible headache you may regret later.
*edit* would also like to add any ex's that you have no intention of having a future with.
Yeah isn’t ammonia (pee) and bleach like mustard gas or something? I burned my lungs when I peed in my toilet after bleaching it after only flushing twice. You need at least 3 to 5 flushes I think.
Also never clean a cat’s litter box with bleach. You’ll heckin die.
Ammonia turns the chlorine in the bleach into a chlorine gas, which was a gas used in WWI! So not mustard gas, but it will basically shred your lungs and you will suffocate. Mustard gas is a blister agent, chlorine gas is a choking agent. Source: college chem, hazmat training, army training.
Also, please, for the love of God, don't be worried about that headlock you're putting us in when your thighs snap together during orgasm. We love that sensation.
My girlfriend the other day was like “I was trying not to crush your head” I responded by telling her “if that’s the way I go then that’s the way I go”
For the ladies, orgasm actually forces your uterus and vaginal muscles to calm the fuck down for a while, relieving cramps. It also sometimes makes you bleed more for a bit, shortening the length of your period.
It can't pay my rent.
My landlord was somewhat disgusted.
Edit: Everyone's saying OnlyFans helps. I said MY RENT. Ain't nobody subbing to OnlyFans to watch me jack off.
The first guy I had sex with really went to town on one of my nipples, and only one. That fucker was sore for a good week or so after!
I was doing alright until I went to ride my horse, and Jesus Christ I think I saw stars!
Very important. Most guys go straight for the nipple, maybe caress the aureola a bit. But pay attention to the underside - especially where the boob meets the chest. And don't grab, trace.
Edit: several comments mention bring ticklish. As a blunt generalization, anywhere you are ticklish is an erogenous zone. Degree of pressure is the key between a humerous vs erotic response. Either way leads to fun.
Never commit a misdemeanor while committing a felony.
For example, >!if you have illegal drugs in your car; make sure your vehicle is up to date on registration, safety check, has no broken taillights, and also drive the sped limit.!<
As an Oklahoma City native, this is a huge deal. The only reason Timothy McVeigh was caught the day of the OKC bombing was because of an expired car tag. Dude blew up a federal building and initiated police contact over a sticker.
If you’re a little chubby and have a small amount of drugs on you and get pulled over, poke your gut out, shove drugs in belly button, suck your gut in. Can’t see or feel it. Then think back to all the times you swore you’d lose weight and be glad you haven’t got around to it yet.
If you know you don’t last long, make sure she cums during foreplay. She won’t care that you busted quick cos she already got hers.
Edit: Also I’d like to add a few honorable mentions, press on her lower stomach/pelvic area during missionary
Pillow under her back
Drag her to the edge of the bed while she’s on her back and you’re standing up
Basically sit her in your lap and make eye contact as you finger her.
Edit 2: I shouldn’t have to say this but, obviously everyone is different and this advice isn’t an end all be all. Not every single woman you encounter is going to like every single one of these and some may like none. This is just advice I’m giving based on *my* experience and what’s worked for *me*. Communication with your partner and what *they* like is most important.
I’ve attempted this, don’t jump a forklift, they’re so heavy that it doesn’t work, and the lack of suspension really doesn’t help, on the other hand, golf carts are possible to jump!
I worked at a store where things were a dollar and as I turn down an aisle a lady makes angry eyes at me, growled at me, hiked up her skirt, and pooped. Just pooped right there in the aisle kept the angry eye contact and just mumbled some nonsense and scurried out the door. I was understandably confused and went to tell someone... I apparently looked shell shocked or something because my manager was immediately asking what's wrong due to my ghost white face... I stammered out some nonsense words of my own and just pointed to the isle and finally got the word poop out. The manager bursts into a rage screaming about this woman and how the last time was the last time Mrs. Poo wasn't allowed in our store and asking how she got in or why she wasn't stopped. I had no answers and just pointed at it as they went to inspect the turds... apparently this lady has a vendetta against the company and poops in any that she comes to... I quit shortly after that due to it being a shyte job but I still think about her and the way it just fell out with the eye contact.
>a lady makes angry eyes at me, growled at me, hiked up her skirt, and pooped
>kept the angry eye contact and just mumbled some nonsense
Well...?
Did you ask her out after all that sexual tension or nah?
If she clamps down. Don't change a thing you're doing. Not the speed not the pressure not the pattern. Also use the flat part of your tongue not the tip.
You're welcome.
Edit: welp now one of my most upvoted comments is about giving head... Should I be proud?
Wait, clit owner here- NOT the tip? Did i miss out on amazing head for 3 years because my partner uses the tip? I don’t *love* head, i enjoy nipple play more or at least i thought so..
Edit: thank you guys, I’m new to Reddit and the support is astonishing- we have much to try and i am exited to learn new things about myself
So, your clit isn't just the nubbin or the "little woman in the canoe"; there are nerves that connect to it in a Y shape down either side of your labia. The broad tongue is good for stimulating that whole area.
Your mileage may vary, of course. But I just know my wife is going to rupture my eardrums one day when she clamps onto my head, so I can vouch for the technique.
I used to not like head at all before I met my boyfriend, but he convinced me to let him go at it. holy *shit.* apparently I'd never been given good head in my entire life.
Downloading pirated software that I need to use for work because I'm too poor to pay for it but risking ransomware that will destroy all the hardwork on the disk.
edit: Thanks for all your message. I'm a freelancer in a 3rd world country.
Easy, just designate a sacrificial hard drive and have backups ready
Can also use a shitty proxy laptop to install and run on it first
The way to defeat ransomware is to simply be able to flush the drive
If your pregnant & close to your due date & it feels like you gotta poop but can’t, that’s the baby trying to come out. No one told me that natural childbirth feels like the baby is coming out your butthole.
My entire childhood I had no idea what it meant when people would yell “push” in movies during labor. Push what? I just couldn’t imagine and I always wondered if it was like pooping. When I became and adult and my first friend had a baby I was literally disgusted when she said “it is just like pooping- that’s how you push, like a big poop is coming out”
When I was training for EMT-basic this came up. It's actually fairly common for a baby to end up in the toilet if they let mom to be go the bathroom before transport to the hospital.
A couple tips I learned from ladies: the clit is essentially a tiny dick. Suck that tiny dick. Think about what you like when you get head, then do that. Number 2: literally suck. Create a vacuum with your mouth, use the flat part of your tongue to stimulate the clit.
Number 3: it’s often very much about narrative, and less about the magical c-c-c-combo breaker of judo moves to physically get women off. A narrative can be as simple as manhandling someone, e.g. lifting their pelvis up off the bed toward your mouth or a well-timed face smush into a pillow. You’re not robots gyrating with the sole mission of climax. This is theater, people. Tell a story.
My man! Number 3! You work that narrative I’m already mostly there. Sex starts way before the bedroom and there’s so much you can do in the bedroom that isn’t sex that turns that shit up to eleven.
The move is to play dumb and string them along for as long as you can, when you’ve got time.
Any time they spend with you is time they’re not scamming someone’s grandmother.
Once they start to figure me out, I ask: “Does your mother know you steal from people?”
I pretend I'm old and doddering. I get confused, act hard of hearing, "drop" my credit card number, etc. I've killed twenty minutes or more doing this.
Spend more time pleasuring women with your fingers. You will learn a lot about how to pleasure women and become a better lover. Men with long or jagged fingernails are the equivalent of Edward Scissorhands. Also not having a wank for ages is bad news. Clean out them pipes as cum does not age like a fine wine.
When you poop, spread your cheeks and hold them in position while sitting down. This will keep everything more clean.
I call this tactic the Sumo Wrestler.
One of the best things I've heard in my life from a friend was close to this. He told me he knows he has a cleaner ass than everyone he meets because he taught himself not to clench his butt hole while taking a shit. Not gonna lie, I tried it the next time I went. Harder than I thought it would be.
The anus actually has two sphincters, one inner and one outer. With proper training and muscle control you can very much control your butthole to make for much cleaner, faster, and more enjoyable poops.
Anybody who wants to know more would be wise to check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin, but I think it might be outta print.
Fuck first! Always have sex *before* a date, especially if you’re gonna be eating a ton of food. You might think you’re gonna want to get to smashing to end the night, but after a ton of food and drinks, you’ll probably just want to sleep.
As a married woman, I always thing oh lets enjoy food and then we will cosy up in bed and do our thing. But 99.9% of the time we will sleep. It's vile having sex on a full stomach feel like a fkn whale haha!
If you get into a dangerous situation like a fight you're not prepared for, poop yourself. Do it and they would really think about messing with someone that just pooped themselves.
Alternatively, poop yourself, get your hand in your pants to grab some of it, smear it all over yourself and run at them, they will avoid you like the plague.
And hope to fucking god they don’t call your bluff and do the same. The only thing worse then fighting a naked dude covered in shit is fighting a naked dude covered in shit while your naked and covered in shit.
This one's for the penis havers.
You have a bone called the pubic bone. This bone protrudes slightly, significantly more on non-penis havers. This protrusion is called the Mons Pubis.
When your penis is inside a vagina, the Mons Pubis, assuming you're in missionary, is in precisely the right location to apply pressure and friction to the clitoris.
1. Stick it in
2. Lay down on your partner, supporting your weight with your arms, you should be planking but with a person under you.
3. Slide forward and backward, DO NOT THRUST.
4. Enjoy multiple orgasms for your partner.
Edit: Someone mentioned that if you and your partner aren't the right size for this it can cause bruising. Attempt at your own risk.
Even if you don't poop that often wipe your asshole a couple times a day, ideally with a tiny dab of hypoallergenic, gentle lotion or oil on the paper to reduce friction and lift debris. You'd be amazed how much healthier and more cheery you feel after removing some little speck of lint that you never even consciously noticed was chafing your orifice! AND you'd be amazed how much stink can come from such a sweaty, germy place if it is left to its own devices for too long. If you're headed straight from work to a date or something like that where you won't be freshly showered before sex, do a good wipe so there's no stink. And get the crack all the way up, and the taint too.
You've gotta use a baby wipe. Every time. Imagine trying to clean peanut butter out of shag carpet with just a dry paper towel. If you're not using a moist wipe, you're just smearing it around.
If you have bad period cramps you should try fingering yourself gently so that it will help relax you muscles and diminishes the pain. You can do it to yourself or ask your partner to do it for you. It's basically like an internal massage
Don't neglect the neck, lads ;)
Your girl WANTS you to lick, bite and suck on that shit like it's a piece of meat. A very sensitive area, fulfills potential vampire sex fantasies, passionate...
It's a game changer
If she says go faster then go faster. If she says give it to her harder then give it to her harder. If she says deeper you better hope she means in philosophy. 😎
If you have chills but your balls are still hanging low, you have a fever
If you (someone with a penis) pee on a pregnancy test and it’s positive, you could have testicular cancer EDIT: testicular cancer, not prostate cancer
Cup of coffee before sex makes ya last significantly longer, guys.
If you have income from illegal sources you should still declare the income on your tax return as miscellaneous income. That way at least you can’t be charged with tax evasion.
Clean your butthole real good.
Get. A. Bidet. The most convincing rational is just asking “how far does poo need to be away from your butthole before you clean it with more than just paper? Now why is your butthole the exception?”.
Put BBQ sauce on your arm. Now wipe it off with toilet paper. Now smell your arm.
It smells like shit. I think I did something wrong.
Directions unclear. Smeared BBQ sauce up my butthole
If you hold your buttcheeks open while you fart it’ll almost always be quiet
Lmao did this a few years ago and ended up taking a shit right there
But was it quiet?
asking the real question here!
Yes, it's more of a ffwoooff. Not so underwater in the bath though; then it's more like 'what about the waterbottle'...
if you’re a dude and worried about performing the first time with a lady (usually the worst time for us, overly excited, don’t know what they like, sometimes been drinking, etc) go down on them until they come (if they want you to, and if you can) - no matter what happens after that they had a decent time even if you shit the bed later - figuratively not literally, if you actually shit the bed an orgasm probably isn’t going to save you unless you’re a god.. a shitty god.
When stimulating nipples and the clitoris, don't rub hard and incessantly. Porn vids are extreme in that regard. Sometimes a held medium pressure is way more pleasurable. Pay attention to subtle responses in breath and body tension to learn what works best
You can pretty much assume nothing in porn is actually fun for women
You mean you don't like getting your clit slapped like we're trying to play some Primus on the bass?
I find that tensing my arm muscles from time to time during sex helps me last longer. Edit: No, not in the Patrick Bateman way lmao, just keeping my arms in the same position they normally would be during our lovemaking, and flexing
I heard somewhere that flexing muscles gets rid of boners
Yes, it does. Really helpful
Takes the blood elsewhere
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Lol, we're not worried about lasting 30 minutes, we're worried about lasting 10
10 what? ***10 WHAT?!***
9 Edit: 1.4k karma and 3 awards for writing a number? I love you guys
10 seconds
As long as you have fun, don't fall asleep after and take care of your partner, you're a-ok! ❤
Cold water gets cum off skin much better than hot water.
Also, if the water is too hot it can sorta cook the sperm clogging your drain.
This is the nastiest shit I've ever read.
There is actually a cook book based on that: https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-collection-semen-based-recipes/dp/1481227041
My roommate got this for me for my birthday. It’s cursed but sits on our cook book shelf nonetheless
There’s a cocktail book also and the description includes the sentence “Semen is often freshly available most bar counters…” EXCUSE ME WHAT
Your roommate was obviously trying to give you a hint.
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Why are you like this.
Somebody has to be.
Simply putting your index and thumb to make a circle shape and then stroking the base of the head usually works like a charm and it makes the full hand after way better.
It took me way too long to realize this was about sex. I thought it was like, a tension relief tip. I mean, I guess it is, but still.
And here I was putting my fingers over my actual head
Pillow under the butt during missionary
I used to do this, but now I prefer the groin pain from doing a half split
But never over the face.
Depends what you’re into
Under the butt or under the hips/lower back?
I think under lower back is better
Trial and error, every body's different.
I thought the pillow was for doggy Edit: I should make a drinking game out of the amount of replies starting with “No it’s for…”
No it’s for sleeping
No this is Patrick
Especially for big height differences!
Think about sex to hold your pee
My old college roommate told me that's how he holds his pee on road trips. Confused me so much until I remembered back in sex ed when they told us you couldn't pee with a boner. I can totally pee with a boner
I "can" but there's some trigonometry involved and my back needs to have an acute angle with the ground (if I'm using a toilet and not outside)
Think about pee to hold your sex
Mission failed, piss kink acquired
Why am i reading all of these? I know damn well i ain’t gonna get some action.
If you find yourself about to call that "crazy chick/guy" because you are horny, go rub one out. Get it out of your system. You will save yourself a possible headache you may regret later. *edit* would also like to add any ex's that you have no intention of having a future with.
Good ole post nut clarity
**DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT PISS IN THE SHOWER AFTER BLEACHING YOUR HAIR UNLESS U WANNA SEE IF GOD EXISTS REAL SOON**
Yeah isn’t ammonia (pee) and bleach like mustard gas or something? I burned my lungs when I peed in my toilet after bleaching it after only flushing twice. You need at least 3 to 5 flushes I think. Also never clean a cat’s litter box with bleach. You’ll heckin die.
Ammonia turns the chlorine in the bleach into a chlorine gas, which was a gas used in WWI! So not mustard gas, but it will basically shred your lungs and you will suffocate. Mustard gas is a blister agent, chlorine gas is a choking agent. Source: college chem, hazmat training, army training.
Give him a head massage while he’s eating your pussy
Yes! It feels really nice and it lets me know that I’m doing something right.
Also, please, for the love of God, don't be worried about that headlock you're putting us in when your thighs snap together during orgasm. We love that sensation.
DEATH BY SNU SNU
My girlfriend the other day was like “I was trying not to crush your head” I responded by telling her “if that’s the way I go then that’s the way I go”
I go both ways so can confirm, it's appreciated from all genders. It's like a hi-5 for a job well done.
Thigh five
Masturbation for period cramps.
I tried, I'm up to four for the day, she's still in pain and now my willy is sore
God damn it. Simple yet genius.
For the ladies, orgasm actually forces your uterus and vaginal muscles to calm the fuck down for a while, relieving cramps. It also sometimes makes you bleed more for a bit, shortening the length of your period.
Is there anything masturbation can’t do! Yes. Can’t make a baby. Masturbation, the solution to many of life’s biggest problems
It can't pay my rent. My landlord was somewhat disgusted. Edit: Everyone's saying OnlyFans helps. I said MY RENT. Ain't nobody subbing to OnlyFans to watch me jack off.
The underneath/sides of the boobs are more sensitive than the top of them and the cleavage.
I will use this knowledge in my next battle.
Finally, a weakpoint!
This is very helpful! I never knew that
Touch everything except the nipple 10x more than you touch the nipple. Those things can easily get overstimulated.
The first guy I had sex with really went to town on one of my nipples, and only one. That fucker was sore for a good week or so after! I was doing alright until I went to ride my horse, and Jesus Christ I think I saw stars!
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The question is, were you living in a pink house at some point last year? 😂
I need to know
Well, now I’m invested.
Very important. Most guys go straight for the nipple, maybe caress the aureola a bit. But pay attention to the underside - especially where the boob meets the chest. And don't grab, trace. Edit: several comments mention bring ticklish. As a blunt generalization, anywhere you are ticklish is an erogenous zone. Degree of pressure is the key between a humerous vs erotic response. Either way leads to fun.
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Never commit a misdemeanor while committing a felony. For example, >!if you have illegal drugs in your car; make sure your vehicle is up to date on registration, safety check, has no broken taillights, and also drive the sped limit.!<
Pops always said break one law at a time
I was told the same thing: If for some reason you have to break a law, only break one at a time. Disclaimer: Don't break the law
As an Oklahoma City native, this is a huge deal. The only reason Timothy McVeigh was caught the day of the OKC bombing was because of an expired car tag. Dude blew up a federal building and initiated police contact over a sticker.
Don't stand directly behind your partner when using a flogger. You want the tails to impact on the butt-cheeks, not wrap around the hips.
This is the first comment I read where I actually learned something new, thank you
If you’re a little chubby and have a small amount of drugs on you and get pulled over, poke your gut out, shove drugs in belly button, suck your gut in. Can’t see or feel it. Then think back to all the times you swore you’d lose weight and be glad you haven’t got around to it yet.
r/oddlyspecific
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She's looking at me weird. I'm eating spaghetti and she's naked on the bed. What gives?
Sex toys are an ally in the bedroom
Teamwork makes the cream work.
If you talk about politics on Thanksgiving You can save a lot of money on xmas presents.
r/shitylifehacks
It's freaking hilarious how one comment is about ladders and then the next about butt holes down here.
If you know you don’t last long, make sure she cums during foreplay. She won’t care that you busted quick cos she already got hers. Edit: Also I’d like to add a few honorable mentions, press on her lower stomach/pelvic area during missionary Pillow under her back Drag her to the edge of the bed while she’s on her back and you’re standing up Basically sit her in your lap and make eye contact as you finger her. Edit 2: I shouldn’t have to say this but, obviously everyone is different and this advice isn’t an end all be all. Not every single woman you encounter is going to like every single one of these and some may like none. This is just advice I’m giving based on *my* experience and what’s worked for *me*. Communication with your partner and what *they* like is most important.
This guy fucks.
and now you will too
"Basically sit her in your lap and make eye contact as you finger her." Ahh, the creepy mall Santa. Works well.
Well… This WAS hot til right about now..
Ho ho ho...
ask what they like and do your research
It's ok to just have two points of contact on the ladder sometimes.
Wait, you’re supposed to have more?
Person not qualified to climb ladders here: I assume 3 is required minimum
Four points would be ideal, but is not conducive to going up and down said ladder. Five is out of the question.
Yes, that's the joke, that's why it's NOT SAFE for work.
If you want to jump a forklift make sure you gain plenty of speed before you hit the ramp
I’ve attempted this, don’t jump a forklift, they’re so heavy that it doesn’t work, and the lack of suspension really doesn’t help, on the other hand, golf carts are possible to jump!
Acorelle has the BEST hair removal cream, painless, works well. It just smells kind of terrible so light a candle and don’t do it close to sexy time.
When pooping, try doing it in a squat position. You’re welcome.
Trying it now. CLEAN UP IN AISLE 6!
I worked at a store where things were a dollar and as I turn down an aisle a lady makes angry eyes at me, growled at me, hiked up her skirt, and pooped. Just pooped right there in the aisle kept the angry eye contact and just mumbled some nonsense and scurried out the door. I was understandably confused and went to tell someone... I apparently looked shell shocked or something because my manager was immediately asking what's wrong due to my ghost white face... I stammered out some nonsense words of my own and just pointed to the isle and finally got the word poop out. The manager bursts into a rage screaming about this woman and how the last time was the last time Mrs. Poo wasn't allowed in our store and asking how she got in or why she wasn't stopped. I had no answers and just pointed at it as they went to inspect the turds... apparently this lady has a vendetta against the company and poops in any that she comes to... I quit shortly after that due to it being a shyte job but I still think about her and the way it just fell out with the eye contact.
>a lady makes angry eyes at me, growled at me, hiked up her skirt, and pooped >kept the angry eye contact and just mumbled some nonsense Well...? Did you ask her out after all that sexual tension or nah?
Two words: Squatty Potty
Squatty potty + bidet = one clean, happy butthole
The best poop in your life
The soft underside of your tongue is the cheat code for cunnilingus. If you got big-ass lips like me, the inside of the bottom lip is pretty fly too.
Where are the ass lips located?
Gotta go looking. Kiss around until something *kisses back*. Them’s the ass lips.
If she clamps down. Don't change a thing you're doing. Not the speed not the pressure not the pattern. Also use the flat part of your tongue not the tip. You're welcome. Edit: welp now one of my most upvoted comments is about giving head... Should I be proud?
Wait, clit owner here- NOT the tip? Did i miss out on amazing head for 3 years because my partner uses the tip? I don’t *love* head, i enjoy nipple play more or at least i thought so.. Edit: thank you guys, I’m new to Reddit and the support is astonishing- we have much to try and i am exited to learn new things about myself
So, your clit isn't just the nubbin or the "little woman in the canoe"; there are nerves that connect to it in a Y shape down either side of your labia. The broad tongue is good for stimulating that whole area. Your mileage may vary, of course. But I just know my wife is going to rupture my eardrums one day when she clamps onto my head, so I can vouch for the technique.
I used to not like head at all before I met my boyfriend, but he convinced me to let him go at it. holy *shit.* apparently I'd never been given good head in my entire life.
It depends on the person obviously. ._. there's no one trick to give amazing head. But there are definitely things to try out.
Downloading pirated software that I need to use for work because I'm too poor to pay for it but risking ransomware that will destroy all the hardwork on the disk. edit: Thanks for all your message. I'm a freelancer in a 3rd world country.
Easy, just designate a sacrificial hard drive and have backups ready Can also use a shitty proxy laptop to install and run on it first The way to defeat ransomware is to simply be able to flush the drive
This man has never heard of virtual machine
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And to play the piano evidently
If your pregnant & close to your due date & it feels like you gotta poop but can’t, that’s the baby trying to come out. No one told me that natural childbirth feels like the baby is coming out your butthole.
My entire childhood I had no idea what it meant when people would yell “push” in movies during labor. Push what? I just couldn’t imagine and I always wondered if it was like pooping. When I became and adult and my first friend had a baby I was literally disgusted when she said “it is just like pooping- that’s how you push, like a big poop is coming out”
And more often than not, you actually poop during labor.
When I was training for EMT-basic this came up. It's actually fairly common for a baby to end up in the toilet if they let mom to be go the bathroom before transport to the hospital.
Do not open up a sub reddit that states "NSFW" while at work. I learned that the hard way.
A couple tips I learned from ladies: the clit is essentially a tiny dick. Suck that tiny dick. Think about what you like when you get head, then do that. Number 2: literally suck. Create a vacuum with your mouth, use the flat part of your tongue to stimulate the clit. Number 3: it’s often very much about narrative, and less about the magical c-c-c-combo breaker of judo moves to physically get women off. A narrative can be as simple as manhandling someone, e.g. lifting their pelvis up off the bed toward your mouth or a well-timed face smush into a pillow. You’re not robots gyrating with the sole mission of climax. This is theater, people. Tell a story.
My man! Number 3! You work that narrative I’m already mostly there. Sex starts way before the bedroom and there’s so much you can do in the bedroom that isn’t sex that turns that shit up to eleven.
Those scammers who cold call you? They take it PERSONALLY if you ask for their daughter's high school yearbook and gush about how you bet she's hot.
The move is to play dumb and string them along for as long as you can, when you’ve got time. Any time they spend with you is time they’re not scamming someone’s grandmother. Once they start to figure me out, I ask: “Does your mother know you steal from people?”
I pretend I'm old and doddering. I get confused, act hard of hearing, "drop" my credit card number, etc. I've killed twenty minutes or more doing this.
Spend more time pleasuring women with your fingers. You will learn a lot about how to pleasure women and become a better lover. Men with long or jagged fingernails are the equivalent of Edward Scissorhands. Also not having a wank for ages is bad news. Clean out them pipes as cum does not age like a fine wine.
Underappreciated advice. Fingers have more dexterity and can get to more difficult-to-reach crannies. Also, fresh juice and fresh pipes are better
And for the love of everything, scrubs those nubs. Too many infections and throws off our delicate pH balance for weeks…
When you poop, spread your cheeks and hold them in position while sitting down. This will keep everything more clean. I call this tactic the Sumo Wrestler.
Everytime. Except I do it after I sit down, one cheek at a time.
Yea thats how the Sumo Move comes in
You can slap your thighs to make it even more spectacular!
One of the best things I've heard in my life from a friend was close to this. He told me he knows he has a cleaner ass than everyone he meets because he taught himself not to clench his butt hole while taking a shit. Not gonna lie, I tried it the next time I went. Harder than I thought it would be.
The anus actually has two sphincters, one inner and one outer. With proper training and muscle control you can very much control your butthole to make for much cleaner, faster, and more enjoyable poops. Anybody who wants to know more would be wise to check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin, but I think it might be outta print.
Fuck first! Always have sex *before* a date, especially if you’re gonna be eating a ton of food. You might think you’re gonna want to get to smashing to end the night, but after a ton of food and drinks, you’ll probably just want to sleep.
Also, eating a big meal after lovemaking is amazing.
This is a good one and true but can be tricky if it's a first date.
As a married woman, I always thing oh lets enjoy food and then we will cosy up in bed and do our thing. But 99.9% of the time we will sleep. It's vile having sex on a full stomach feel like a fkn whale haha!
A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchiker can have.
There's a frood who really knows where his towel is.
Kegel exercises work for both men and women, if want a better sex life as you get old and have kids you should add them to your routine.
Remember to pee before sex
and after!
Especially after
Yeah, my mom was just telling me about that. What a coincidence
Your mom was also just telling me about that.
Dudes should do kegels. It makes it easier to stay hard and hold off your orgasm. Also makes makes your orgasms more...explosive
Also helps with ED. Trust me, I’m old. I do them while watching tv and it lets my junk work without viagra.
Just did this for a minute while sitting here. Now my taint is tired. Guess I gotta build up my stamina...
Clits aren’t buzzers, don’t just put a finger on it and shake / vibrate you hand Take a finger or two on the side of it, and gently rub it / stroke it
If you get into a dangerous situation like a fight you're not prepared for, poop yourself. Do it and they would really think about messing with someone that just pooped themselves. Alternatively, poop yourself, get your hand in your pants to grab some of it, smear it all over yourself and run at them, they will avoid you like the plague.
Self defeces
r/shittylifeprotips
The shittiest
"So why should we hire you?" *defensive poop noises*
Just act fucking insane, fake a sezuire, get naked, spit and scream, bark and growl, piss and shit yourself.
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And hope to fucking god they don’t call your bluff and do the same. The only thing worse then fighting a naked dude covered in shit is fighting a naked dude covered in shit while your naked and covered in shit.
Knowing your enemy is key.
Works for verbal arguments as well. Really works well to shut down the political debate at Thanksgiving. PLT
This one's for the penis havers. You have a bone called the pubic bone. This bone protrudes slightly, significantly more on non-penis havers. This protrusion is called the Mons Pubis. When your penis is inside a vagina, the Mons Pubis, assuming you're in missionary, is in precisely the right location to apply pressure and friction to the clitoris. 1. Stick it in 2. Lay down on your partner, supporting your weight with your arms, you should be planking but with a person under you. 3. Slide forward and backward, DO NOT THRUST. 4. Enjoy multiple orgasms for your partner. Edit: Someone mentioned that if you and your partner aren't the right size for this it can cause bruising. Attempt at your own risk.
A single minute of planking = 5 normal minutes 😂
when doing her from behind you can absolutely play with the clit while you fuck she will likely not complain
Even if you don't poop that often wipe your asshole a couple times a day, ideally with a tiny dab of hypoallergenic, gentle lotion or oil on the paper to reduce friction and lift debris. You'd be amazed how much healthier and more cheery you feel after removing some little speck of lint that you never even consciously noticed was chafing your orifice! AND you'd be amazed how much stink can come from such a sweaty, germy place if it is left to its own devices for too long. If you're headed straight from work to a date or something like that where you won't be freshly showered before sex, do a good wipe so there's no stink. And get the crack all the way up, and the taint too.
You've gotta use a baby wipe. Every time. Imagine trying to clean peanut butter out of shag carpet with just a dry paper towel. If you're not using a moist wipe, you're just smearing it around.
But make sure you don't flush the baby wipes down the toilet. You don't want to cause a fatberg in your local sewage.
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Drink a lot of pineapple juice.
I've heard that pineapple juice makes cum taste better, but I find it ruins the pineapple juice.
If you put down a few squares of tp first it’ll prevent splash back and even gift wrap your poop for you.
If you have bad period cramps you should try fingering yourself gently so that it will help relax you muscles and diminishes the pain. You can do it to yourself or ask your partner to do it for you. It's basically like an internal massage
If you’ve ever thought about sticking something in your pee hole dont, it fucking hurts.
I have many questions
Guys like being told where to finish
Don't neglect the neck, lads ;) Your girl WANTS you to lick, bite and suck on that shit like it's a piece of meat. A very sensitive area, fulfills potential vampire sex fantasies, passionate... It's a game changer
If she says go faster then go faster. If she says give it to her harder then give it to her harder. If she says deeper you better hope she means in philosophy. 😎