To add to this, I still marvel in amazement and am grateful when I walk into a bathroom at a stadium or sporting event and it's just an endless column of empty urinals.
Then you see the ladies bathroom line wrapping around two different corners. There's so much room for activities in the men's bathroom.
When it is full, there’s the most orderly lines in the entire world. I’m a Philly sports fan and we are absolute barbarians everywhere but the bathrooms.
Yeah because in men‘s bathroom lines everyone goes in to finish as fast as possible (and comfortable) so the next dude in-line can do the same.
Thats the kind of efficiency that warms my cold, beerpowered German heart.
Lady Professor in college (2008) said I’d make an incredible husband to my wife someday.
Girl at the drive thru line said I had a cool car in September of 2015.
Lady gas station attendant complimented my outfit that day and said I had a good vibe (2018).
Cashier said I was handsome while ringing me up a couple weeks ago.
Point is we never forget when we get complimented out of the blue.
I wonder if that's instinctive. I've read before that human anatomy is almost perfectly engineered for throwing and thrusting spears. Maybe men have evolved to be able to identify *really good sticks* and even now we're drawn to them as a vestigial trait because instead of relying on claws or teeth, our ancestors needed good spears.
Probably because early humans who picked up good sticks and carried them around had a major evolutionary advantage over those that didn't. Everyone is talking about spears but a good hefty stick is not something you want to get smacked over the head with.
Most of human weaponry can be seen as upgraded sticks. Spears are pointy sticks, maces are sticks optimised for crushing, swords are slashy sticks, axes are choppy sticks. Even bullets are basically upgraded arrows, which are in turn pointy sticks you can use without coming too close to the object in need of a good stick.
Stuff that needs chemicals (explosives, napalm etc) breaks the mold but I am, just like many generations of humans before me, sticking to the overal point;
Big stick good.
3rd grade. Back yard had pine trees. And a stick falls. It had the perfect sword shape. It was tough! I played with it for weeks. Still tough. I pretended to be link from Zelda.
And my dad ran over it accidentally with the lawn mower.
Peeing at a friend's toilet which is unusually small. And thinking
"thank God I dont see a split stream this time, open the flood gates!... Fuck my shorts is all wet."
To mask the wet patch I ended up making the entire pants damp FML.
There is a rational reason for this, even if it's become so reflexive that it's unconscious. Your hand is gauging the resistance of the spring, so you know how hard you have to squeeze to get the right tension, before you handle something high stakes. Like... steaks.
When your cock is soft it is invincible. You can fold that fucker in half, twist it, squeeze it flat as a napkin, and it’ll spring right back. Nothing on earth is so resilient.
With 6yr old kid at a movie theater. He had to go and the bathroom had a long line of urinals, all low. He just walks right up to the dude at the end, unzips, whips it out, looks over and says, “Hi!!”
He got the Urinal etiquette flash game when we got home. He says that was the first true life lesson he remembers!
When Covid hit the local shops put signs on the urinals saying to leave an empty one between for social distancing.
It was not the most necessary of signs.
Put two men on the phone, and we’ll be done talking in two minutes.
Put two men on Xbox live, and oh shit is it 2:00am? I should probably go to bed…after this game.
Two minutes is hella long. Call logs with my bro or my dad usually last less than 7 seconds and averages 8 words, and it doesnt even contain the words "hello" and "bye" in any variation.
Just purpose of call -> solution/knowledge -> affirmation and hang up.
"Wheres the grill?" "Garage, left corner" "noted thanks"
"Dinner?" "Chinese, the usual?" "Yes" "noted"
Swamp ass sucks. But I've learned my lesson. Shaved my ass once and it was a fucking nightmare the next day and for the next couple weeks. So itchy. And shitting felt weird.
Edit: Well thanks for the tips everyone lmao if I ever shave my asshole again I'll be prepared.
My brain will just leave and it comes back after a few minutes and here I am wondering if that thing happened 15 minutes ago, 5 minutes ago, or 5 seconds ago
It's so bloody annoying not having the right tool for the job when you need it. I so long for the day when I will have a fully equipped garage with every tool I would ever need, to fix everything that needs fixing.
Ah yes, the open planned garage with a pedestal in the middle. A gentle spotlight illuminating your duct tape and WD40. If shit is moving that shouldnt be, duct tape that sucker until it doesnt move anymore. If something isn’t moving that should be moving, spray it with WD40 until it starts moving again. Praise be the garage.
Girl in English class I was randomly assigned with was rambling the whole class aboutv an argument with her friend. Was genuinely interested so I asked questions and heard her out.
Near the end she randomly blurted out that I'd make my wife happy as a good listener. Didn't know how to respond and just kinda stared at her. After a min she went bright red and went "or not, what do I know?"
Never spoke to her again after that but that line made me happy for a long time. Still does.
I was 18, just started working. I had a job in the garden center of a large home improvement company. Got a pretty sweet tan from working out there.
Girl I knew from highschool, who worked there also, complimented me on Facebook(might’ve been MySpace) messenger saying “You look different. You look mature, you look like a man now.” That still sticks with me.
Her and I have never been interested in each other more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend and I love her to this day.
She was also a bridesmaid at my wedding.
A girl once complimented that hair color looked really cool while I was coming out of a cafe with my friend, btw I'm a very below average guy and somedays when I'm feeling low I still think about that day
That day was 5 years ago, 27 july, 2:32 pm
Seriously. I got told I smelled good by a woman once like 15 years ago that I became heavily invested in the men's fragrance scene. I know way too much about what kind of smells go well with what season/weather/tenperature/humidity. I could wrote a book about it. All because of one single compliment.
I find it fascinating that no matter where we are from we can all agree on similar stuff. Like nodding, tonging, not taking the urinal next to somebody, never really receiving compliments as men... im from Germany and I can definitely relate, I think you guys from all over the world can as well.
That being said, men can just hang out and not speak a single word for hours. My best friend and me would hang out on a daily basis when we were younger (am 33 now) and just watch TV, play Fifa and smoke some weed. His sister is still impressed to this day, later on her boyfriend joined us too. But sometimes when we had full blown conversations, almost to the point where we would fight each other it was about some random, unimportant bullshit like "if we were sharks would we still smoke weed" or shit like that hahaha xD
Totally agree. My quality time with my dad is we both sit in a room and talk about nothing. We both are minding our own business but that’s spending quality time with my dad. And don’t get me wrong we have the best father-son relationship out there but sometimes it is what it is.
Two weeks ago I was in the airport and there were like 15 urinals. I was the only one there till this dude came in and stood right at the urinal next to me. How do you not know about that rule? I couldn't give him the "dude wtf bro"-look because of the other unwritten rule: no eye contact.
Sometimes my sex drive in an inconvenience. It seriously over powers my normal thought processes at the worst times and then I have this internal battle. Lol
The power of boners can lead us to marriages, 4 kids and a minivan, a dark alley, the church bathroom, the boat ramp, or even in a random brothel in Thailand after a drunken night out with the boys. You never know.
We will remember a compliment for years especially if came from a girl could be from elementary, middle, high, college, or work
And we remember that shit in 20 years out of the blue or whenever we feel hopeless
When the water balloons come out, all bets are off. Friendships, and relationships no longer apply. Men, women, children, everyone is getting slaughtered.
This also applies to nerf, Mario kart and Monopoly.
If you are kicking a stone whilst walking and you miss a kick and it gets left behind you are not supposed to go back to kick it again (and you know also feel sad).
I wish wives or partners of men would know this.
I want alone time but feel like an asshole if I ask for it "Hey wife, you know how you are wonderful and can't imagine living my life without you....well, I want to be away from you and having fun by myself for a couple of hours, byeeeee"
I think it goes both ways! It's entirely healthy to have outlets away from your spouse or partner - perhaps an activity or a hobby you do without them.
I also think guys need to be more vocal about their emotional needs in a relationship. We've been taught not to talk about emotions but it's so important to tell your partner how things make you feel and what you need to be stable and balanced mentally, and that includes taking time for ourselves.
When you take off your boxers, you NEED them to drop to the floor and flip them up to yourself with your foot. Usually followed by a harsh swipe grab while in mid air
If there can be an empty urinal between us, make it so.
Thank you, this annoys the shit out of me.
I don't recommend shitting at the urinal
That we are happy we get the short bathroom line.
To add to this, I still marvel in amazement and am grateful when I walk into a bathroom at a stadium or sporting event and it's just an endless column of empty urinals. Then you see the ladies bathroom line wrapping around two different corners. There's so much room for activities in the men's bathroom.
When it is full, there’s the most orderly lines in the entire world. I’m a Philly sports fan and we are absolute barbarians everywhere but the bathrooms.
Yeah because in men‘s bathroom lines everyone goes in to finish as fast as possible (and comfortable) so the next dude in-line can do the same. Thats the kind of efficiency that warms my cold, beerpowered German heart.
And that’s why the women’s urinal was invented
What did they call it? I'm going with the hur-inal
Its not urinal, it's Our-inal.
Rock must be in the water
preferably after two skips (at-least) on the said water surface.
Or a big rock that makes a satisfying *PLUMP* when hitting the water
KAPLOOSH! (That was awesome. Where’s another?)
The Nod
*nod*
*return nod*
*Side nods*
*Down nod*
*up nod*
The nod really is great and so versatile. It's like a "what's up man.... everything cool...?. Ya me too. Wulp see ya later". Just perfect.
And when you nod to a group of strangers it's like saying "gentlemen" silently
*nods* M'gents
Lady Professor in college (2008) said I’d make an incredible husband to my wife someday. Girl at the drive thru line said I had a cool car in September of 2015. Lady gas station attendant complimented my outfit that day and said I had a good vibe (2018). Cashier said I was handsome while ringing me up a couple weeks ago. Point is we never forget when we get complimented out of the blue.
Taco bell parking lot 2019, two girls in a car yelled nice beard as they drove by.
One time i was sitting at the train station and a woman came up to me to tell me how much she liked my outfit and hair, I was really flattered!
I picked it up because it’s like, a really good stick
I wonder if that's instinctive. I've read before that human anatomy is almost perfectly engineered for throwing and thrusting spears. Maybe men have evolved to be able to identify *really good sticks* and even now we're drawn to them as a vestigial trait because instead of relying on claws or teeth, our ancestors needed good spears.
Probably because early humans who picked up good sticks and carried them around had a major evolutionary advantage over those that didn't. Everyone is talking about spears but a good hefty stick is not something you want to get smacked over the head with.
Most of human weaponry can be seen as upgraded sticks. Spears are pointy sticks, maces are sticks optimised for crushing, swords are slashy sticks, axes are choppy sticks. Even bullets are basically upgraded arrows, which are in turn pointy sticks you can use without coming too close to the object in need of a good stick. Stuff that needs chemicals (explosives, napalm etc) breaks the mold but I am, just like many generations of humans before me, sticking to the overal point; Big stick good.
Boomstick
And useful for smacking away flying spear-like sticks!
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Ooga Booga, brother. ✊
3rd grade. Back yard had pine trees. And a stick falls. It had the perfect sword shape. It was tough! I played with it for weeks. Still tough. I pretended to be link from Zelda. And my dad ran over it accidentally with the lawn mower.
It wasn't an accident, he felt threatened by the quality of your stick
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Just do the Michael Jackson forward lean with one hand against the wall above the toilet for balance and the other on your Richard for aim
I usually pee with one hand on the wall regardless. XD
POV: you’re the wall when this guy takes a piss 🖐😩
Is that guy passing a stone? wtf
Ok now I'm interested, which emoji would **you** choose to represent your face taking a piss? FWIW I'll go with ✋😔
✋😳(when it comes out in two streams instead of one)
Bro... What the actual fuck. Please take my upvote.
Particularly with split stream, and more so if one of the split streams decides to flow backwards.
Peeing at a friend's toilet which is unusually small. And thinking "thank God I dont see a split stream this time, open the flood gates!... Fuck my shorts is all wet." To mask the wet patch I ended up making the entire pants damp FML.
What the fuck is going on with your penis
it’s bipolar
The key is having a small penis
Click the tongs a couple times to make sure they work first
makes me feel like a crab… a very powerful crab
Gotta make sure them tongs are tonging
*click••click•
Similarly, testing out the stud finder on ourselves to make sure it accurately finds studs.
"Must be out of batteries."
There is a rational reason for this, even if it's become so reflexive that it's unconscious. Your hand is gauging the resistance of the spring, so you know how hard you have to squeeze to get the right tension, before you handle something high stakes. Like... steaks.
When your cock is soft it is invincible. You can fold that fucker in half, twist it, squeeze it flat as a napkin, and it’ll spring right back. Nothing on earth is so resilient.
They should make space shuttles out of flaccid penis.
What a quote
But it would go hard before re-entry and leak all the fluids out
*Explosive decompression!
r/brandnewsentence
The balls are the duality of genitals
Agreed, my balls are only invincible when the sack goes hard.
I love to wrap the old fella around my finger and show the wife. The look of shock & horror is worth it every time.
or, you wrap it around your wrist, point it to her and say, "hey look, it's dick-o-clock!"
Trying to make us all feel bad, bro?
“It’s two-o-cock”.
Wrap it around your wrist haha yeahh
5 urinals is actually 3.
Actually 2 if the first player made the wrong move
Could be 3 again if the second player makes an even worse move
Nah, that's just illegal
Not when you finish watching a movie
Then 5 are 7
Real men know how to share.
Whenever we pick up a drill we have to do the bzzt bzzt twice. No more no less
and tongs get two clicks. *Snap Snap*
And load on a vehicle gets “thats not going anywhere” after strapped to the truck
Don’t forget the 2 pats
Those two pats are the absolutely necessary confirmation. Shit can't go anywhere after that. Simple law of physics.
And you don't just pick up a Stud Finder without running it over your belt and making a dad-joke.
Dammit hahah I did this about an hour and a half ago.
It's more like bzt bzzzzt tho
yes. exactly
The urinal law
With 6yr old kid at a movie theater. He had to go and the bathroom had a long line of urinals, all low. He just walks right up to the dude at the end, unzips, whips it out, looks over and says, “Hi!!” He got the Urinal etiquette flash game when we got home. He says that was the first true life lesson he remembers!
What a chad! Enters the room and immediately shows dominance.
When Covid hit the local shops put signs on the urinals saying to leave an empty one between for social distancing. It was not the most necessary of signs.
Put two men on the phone, and we’ll be done talking in two minutes. Put two men on Xbox live, and oh shit is it 2:00am? I should probably go to bed…after this game.
2 minutes? Did someone die?
Two minutes is hella long. Call logs with my bro or my dad usually last less than 7 seconds and averages 8 words, and it doesnt even contain the words "hello" and "bye" in any variation. Just purpose of call -> solution/knowledge -> affirmation and hang up. "Wheres the grill?" "Garage, left corner" "noted thanks" "Dinner?" "Chinese, the usual?" "Yes" "noted"
My dad is the anomaly, just goes and talks for 20 minutes straight and all I say is ok, yes sir, and a variation of the sorts
This is why I’m on a 5hr shift with 3hrs of sleep. That last game was worth it though.
when you strap something down you have to slap the top of it and assure that it isn’t going anywhere
I like to shake a finger at it and tell it to “Stay.”
Idk how to feel about this, but it’s great
Can confirm. This also works.
That ass hair sucks
Swamp ass sucks. But I've learned my lesson. Shaved my ass once and it was a fucking nightmare the next day and for the next couple weeks. So itchy. And shitting felt weird. Edit: Well thanks for the tips everyone lmao if I ever shave my asshole again I'll be prepared.
Don't shave it, trim it. Keeps it at a less annoying length without the drawbacks
I'll ask my barber for an ass hair trim next time I'm there.
Not only that but you can't fart silently anymore
Like a silencer for your ass.
Sometimes... I really am thinking about nothing. Literally... Flatline, nobody home, crickets in the field...
The Nothing Box (tm)
Fun FAct :: If you are on a PC hold the left alt button and using the number pad type 0153 to get ™
My brain will just leave and it comes back after a few minutes and here I am wondering if that thing happened 15 minutes ago, 5 minutes ago, or 5 seconds ago
It's better to have and not need than to need and not have
It's so bloody annoying not having the right tool for the job when you need it. I so long for the day when I will have a fully equipped garage with every tool I would ever need, to fix everything that needs fixing.
Ah yes, the open planned garage with a pedestal in the middle. A gentle spotlight illuminating your duct tape and WD40. If shit is moving that shouldnt be, duct tape that sucker until it doesnt move anymore. If something isn’t moving that should be moving, spray it with WD40 until it starts moving again. Praise be the garage.
We all want a secret passage in our house, somewhere. We all want to pick up that stick we walked past that looks like a gun or a sword.
That girl who once gave us a compliment out of the blue when we were 16. She is great.
Girl told me she liked my jacket out of the blue, stuck with that forever 🙏
I had a shirt that a lot of people liked, but I got fat :( RIP Shirt.
Girl in English class I was randomly assigned with was rambling the whole class aboutv an argument with her friend. Was genuinely interested so I asked questions and heard her out. Near the end she randomly blurted out that I'd make my wife happy as a good listener. Didn't know how to respond and just kinda stared at her. After a min she went bright red and went "or not, what do I know?" Never spoke to her again after that but that line made me happy for a long time. Still does.
This is so cute
You should have answered "Well, do you want to be happy?"
Somebody get OP a goddamn time machine, stat!
I was 18, just started working. I had a job in the garden center of a large home improvement company. Got a pretty sweet tan from working out there. Girl I knew from highschool, who worked there also, complimented me on Facebook(might’ve been MySpace) messenger saying “You look different. You look mature, you look like a man now.” That still sticks with me. Her and I have never been interested in each other more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend and I love her to this day. She was also a bridesmaid at my wedding.
A girl once complimented that hair color looked really cool while I was coming out of a cafe with my friend, btw I'm a very below average guy and somedays when I'm feeling low I still think about that day That day was 5 years ago, 27 july, 2:32 pm
I still hold on to the memory of the cute girl telling me I smell nice in high school. I'm 31 now haha.
Seriously. I got told I smelled good by a woman once like 15 years ago that I became heavily invested in the men's fragrance scene. I know way too much about what kind of smells go well with what season/weather/tenperature/humidity. I could wrote a book about it. All because of one single compliment.
teach us master.
Share thy secrets fragrance man
Look at Mr Popular over here getting compliments.
That it will get done. Don’t know when, but it will get done.
The Spanish effect. Mañana mañana
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When a ma says he’ll do it, he’ll do it. There’s no need to remind him every couple of months
Each reminder pushes out the date by two months
The fear of thinking that you will get kidney stones one day.
Drink lots of water
100% this, hydration is crucial for EVERYTHING
Zippers are dangerous
I got emotional and physical damage remembering that
Bread👍
Bread 👍
Bread 👍
Bread👍
Bread👍
I find it fascinating that no matter where we are from we can all agree on similar stuff. Like nodding, tonging, not taking the urinal next to somebody, never really receiving compliments as men... im from Germany and I can definitely relate, I think you guys from all over the world can as well. That being said, men can just hang out and not speak a single word for hours. My best friend and me would hang out on a daily basis when we were younger (am 33 now) and just watch TV, play Fifa and smoke some weed. His sister is still impressed to this day, later on her boyfriend joined us too. But sometimes when we had full blown conversations, almost to the point where we would fight each other it was about some random, unimportant bullshit like "if we were sharks would we still smoke weed" or shit like that hahaha xD
Totally agree. My quality time with my dad is we both sit in a room and talk about nothing. We both are minding our own business but that’s spending quality time with my dad. And don’t get me wrong we have the best father-son relationship out there but sometimes it is what it is.
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Two weeks ago I was in the airport and there were like 15 urinals. I was the only one there till this dude came in and stood right at the urinal next to me. How do you not know about that rule? I couldn't give him the "dude wtf bro"-look because of the other unwritten rule: no eye contact.
It’s annoying when people tell us to grow a beard when our genetics say no. Like whatchu want me to do???
Grow a beard, duh.
Do I just like pour water on it and then Chu-Chu-Chu-Chia? Some dudes had lumberjack beards in highschool, seething with jealousy I am.
That sometimes when we are peeing, the urine can split into 2 streams
Or have a shotgun spread...
Damn, buckshot piss again
The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
How do I increase the powerhouse of my cells?
hyperthyreosis
We have to hold our mouth a certain way when we are doing something technical.
Balls will always be funny
hehe balls
Sometimes, shit be wack.
It do be like that sometimes
Peeing anywhere you want while standing up is the best feeling ever
Tapping our pant's pockets to check if everything is there.
Sometimes my sex drive in an inconvenience. It seriously over powers my normal thought processes at the worst times and then I have this internal battle. Lol
The power of boners can lead us to marriages, 4 kids and a minivan, a dark alley, the church bathroom, the boat ramp, or even in a random brothel in Thailand after a drunken night out with the boys. You never know.
r/suspiciouslyspecific
That we are a kid trap in adult body
I just bought myself a lego set today. I'm 36 and have kids.
I’m almost 50, bought the large Tie Fighter and X-Wing sets then told my two sons they could look but not touch.
I’ve been married for 18 years and somehow my wife still doesn’t believe me when I tell her I want these for my birthday
Enjoy life bro
Rock
We all just want a hug every now and then
We will remember a compliment for years especially if came from a girl could be from elementary, middle, high, college, or work And we remember that shit in 20 years out of the blue or whenever we feel hopeless
3 cubed equals 27.
Tossing rocks from high up into water is a form of entertainment.
When the water balloons come out, all bets are off. Friendships, and relationships no longer apply. Men, women, children, everyone is getting slaughtered. This also applies to nerf, Mario kart and Monopoly.
We remember compliments
When you use a stud finder, you MUST touch it against yourself and say "found one"
If you are kicking a stone whilst walking and you miss a kick and it gets left behind you are not supposed to go back to kick it again (and you know also feel sad).
Getting hit in the balls hurts
Seeing someone get hit hurts too
Sympathy or second hand nut shot.
Like a disturbance in the force
10mm spanners are rare.
We're the stupid ones in the commercials.
Never thought I would see the day someone mentioned it
Alone time is rejuvenating!
I wish wives or partners of men would know this. I want alone time but feel like an asshole if I ask for it "Hey wife, you know how you are wonderful and can't imagine living my life without you....well, I want to be away from you and having fun by myself for a couple of hours, byeeeee"
I think it goes both ways! It's entirely healthy to have outlets away from your spouse or partner - perhaps an activity or a hobby you do without them. I also think guys need to be more vocal about their emotional needs in a relationship. We've been taught not to talk about emotions but it's so important to tell your partner how things make you feel and what you need to be stable and balanced mentally, and that includes taking time for ourselves.
After mowing the grass or doing yard work, you must admire it for at least an hour afterwards
When you take off your boxers, you NEED them to drop to the floor and flip them up to yourself with your foot. Usually followed by a harsh swipe grab while in mid air
Pinch & roll, not scratch.
Post nut clarity gives us god like levels of philosophicality.
It’s better to cum in the sink, then sink in the cum
Sitting down can sometimes be a complicated and delicate chore
The right choise of underwear can be a good help.
Die hard, is a Christmas movie.
Its annoying that your penis go hard every morning for no reason
Don't reject that gift there will come a time in your life when you will miss the morning glory.
That not all tall man have big dicks