I have never heard the tearm before. I am 60 and never been physical with anyone. Infact I watch porn and it dose nothing for me. I am 60 now and never even kissed a woman or man or been in a relationship. I always thought I was weird so I stayed away from dating. This helps me to understand how I feel in a big way.
well, those replies are very depressing to read for an ace searching for love like me. i knew my chances were low because of that sole fact but heck, didn't realize they were almost non-existent.
at least it's nice to know people respect you when you disclose it early. it's sad to hear they'd never give you a chance... but if that's their reaction, it'd never work out anyway and they wouldn't be my type either.
update: guys, i've found someone <3 we'll see how this works out! we had a nice long chat before we agreed to try dating, talked about potential problems coming from both sides. openness and understanding rule :D
I'm pretty late to this, but this actually happened to me. My current partner told me about 3-4 years into our relationship that she realized she might be asexual. She told me that she'd realized since we'd been together that she'd often used sex as validation or because she thought she was supposed to. She'd been coming to the realization for a long time before she told me, and told me she was afraid of how I'd react.
I'll preface my reaction by saying that we have never been monogamous, so things may have worked out differently if we were. I was not totally surprised. We tell each other everything, and I'd heard a lot about her previous partners. From what I gathered, I was her first long-term partner who wasn't abusive, pushy, or worse. I didn't feel like I'd disappointed her or turned her asexual in some way, I knew that she was telling me this because she felt comfortable that I wouldn't freak out or leave her. When we'd first started seeing each other I'd gone through a similar experience working up the courage to tell her I'm bi. The entire experience made us closer. That was years ago now, and we still very much love each other. We still have sex occasionally, but she's also fine if I seek it out elsewhere as long as I'm safe (always) and communicative (to a fault).
Coming out to a partner is always difficult, regardless of what your sexuality is (or isn't). It's scary to think the person you love may feel differently about you afterward, but it's better than living a lie and letting it eat away at you.
Honestly is key. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual. But not everyone is compatible with dating someone who is asexual. We all have our needs in a relationship. Being up front about it helps prevent anyone from getting hurt if they develop strong feelings but learn about it late and aren’t compatible with it. I’d much rather learn it up front.
I've been on a date with an asexual guy. He told me 1 hour into the date. I had nothing but respect for straight up telling me. I said I want sex to be a part of a relationship, he respected my choice and we had a great date. We were friends for long after that
It absolutely is. Anyone even doubting this for a moment should take a quick peek at /r/deadbedrooms
It's an eye-opening and brutal look at how an incompatible sexula relationship can destroy your will to live
> It's an eye-opening and brutal look at how an incompatible sexula relationship can destroy your will to live
This is so true but I also sort of hate it. As a gay man, I am given so much grief at times for wanting to know what a person's sexual preference is with people thinking all I care about is sex or just want to hookup.
No, I ask since dating is mentally taxing for me and no amount of connection and compatibility will save the bedroom if we are both bottoms. I would rather torpedo this on Day 1 rather then Day 30.
I am a really practical person, really wish as a society we could get past the 'moving too fast' angle and just be okay with like a short list of hard no's that you can exchange on the first date or in a dating profile without being glare at for being choosy or a bitch.
Absolutely, children too. I’d hate to spend several years of my life dating someone and then find out they want children and I don’t, wasting both our time. Not something you can or should compromise on!
I’ve seen the children debate cause a YouTube channel couple to completely divorce. One wanted kids and the other did not and they didn’t have this conversation before being married so many years. Now the guy in the divorce has been having a really rough time since then.
I know a couple in real life that did not discuss the children issue before getting married and it’s absolutely bizarre to me as they almost split until the one caved and had a kid and then they almost divorced again when they each wanted to raise their child in their own religion. Just the dumbest thing to me like how do you not discuss these things
I think it is almost a must to say someone you just started dating that sex is very important to you or it’s not. If someone gets offended it wouldn’t have worked anyway. Worst case I’ve heard so your expecting sex on a first date? Easily rectified by saying “maybe hoping, but I believe it’s important in a relationship to know where each of us stands on the subject.” It has never backfired and most women are very understanding and almost always open about the subject.
Pretty much exactly how it should be. If youre not compatible for a relationship cause of different interests, but otherwise like each other why not stay friends as long as you can manage everything feelings wise
I consider myself asexual, and probably have more sex than most people in a multi year relationship.
Partner has a high sex drive, but I don't really care for it myself. I very much enjoy pleasing her sexually, it's fun exploring their kinks, and seeing them happy. Whereas in the past I've gone literally years with thinking about sex or masterbation. Obviously I'm not disgusted at the thought of sex as some people are and don't really consider it a compromise I have to make in a relationship to work. It's just something that they enjoy and I enjoy aiding them in something they like doing. Like taking an interest in a partners hobby (like board games, football, or something else) and just being there to see them having fun.
Guess my point is that, like all sexualities, it's on a spectrum and is different for each person. Someone saying that they are asexual is just a entry point into having a more detailed conversation, which it sounds like you had.
Some probing questions because my curiosity is higher than my manners at the moment:
Are you attracted to your partner based on looks? If yes, is there a gender or specific type of person you consider more attractive? Are you able to reach orgasm and if so, do you enjoy that aspect?
I love learning about different viewpoints and trying to comprehend things I don't understand. If any of that was intrusive or uncool to ask I apologize and will fuck off.
I’m asexual as well but I basically just lack a sex drive and seeing human as sexual beings is extremely rare for me. I’m attracted to my boyfriend romantically and I have sex with him because he has a sex drive. But I don’t see sex like others do like a health bar just like hunger or sleep. Can’t even comprehend that. At most maybe as a hormonal teen there was some sexual feelings but it was more curiosity than anything else and I haven’t felt that since I was about 15 or so (I’m 32 now)
I am asexual and married and have two kids. It’s definitely possible to have a relationship and be able to please your partner. Like you said, it’s all on a big wide spectrum.
This actually happened to me. He was so much fun, that sex ultimately did not matter. We had 8 years together before he went I search of new adventures, but we stayed friends until his death. I stil miss him.
Yeah and I think this should have been discussed *before* going into a relationship, not when you’re already in the relationship.
Edit: Look at me, 2 days on Reddit and already have 2 Golds in my name. Mom, are you proud?
In theory, yes. My brother’s best friend from college had been dating his (now wife) for 2 years before he realized he had no desire for sex. He realized he was doing it to make her happy and not because it made him happy. But he really didn’t realize that. This was also back in 2005 before this language was more common.
They have two kids now and he loves the kids and loves being a dad. Will engage in sex because it makes his wife happy. They have a very loving relationship. He just doesn’t like sex.
I also learned from some college students I facilitate a group for, the term for ~~someone~~ my brother’s friend who doesn’t enjoy sex but still likes his relationship is “Heteroromantic” or “homoromantic”
EDIT: I am still learning folks. I appreciate the DMs and follow up posts giving me more info. Tbh I’ve never thought of sexuality as on a spectrum. So I really appreciate that perspective!
Yeah there’s different spots on the asexual spectrum, like those repulsed by sex (visual imagery or actual intimate contact) and those who have no drive or interest but will still participate for their partner
Yeah this is an oft forgotten/unknown version outside of the ace community. Also demi sexuals who may not experience sexual attraction or drive until certain conditions have been met or for a very small subset of people.
This is me. It is so rare that I notice someone in a sexual way that it makes me feel really uncomfortable. That said, I'd love to be in a long term relationship of which sex is a part, but it's hard when I don't notice people that way, mostly.
Always thought that way, but figured it was just inexperience, and I think it was. Tended to like the idea of things rather than the reality (and recognized that). That and not being attracted to the few guys who were attracted to me.
I thought I was on the ace spectrum for a while (still might be) then I went off my antidepressants. All I could think about was sex. I was like "is this how normal people feel all the time??"/"this is incredibly distracting".
Herero/homoromantic just means that you experience romantic attraction. Being asexual means you don’t experience sexual attraction, or you experience very little of it. Enjoying sex is not particularly related.
Since asexuality comes in a bunch of different flavors, a lot of people don't really realize they're asexual until later in life. I wasn't in a relationship when I came to the conclusion that I'm asexual, but looking back at past relationships it was a constant source of friction (hah) in them.
So it's not necessarily that a specific relationship might make a person realize, but maybe coming to the realization that there's been one common thread through all their relationships that's been making them unhappy...
Oh, and SO often asexuality is treated as something to “fix,” and that can be dangerous for people. Like, imagine you desperately want to go on a new medication, but when you told your doctor you were asexual, the doctor blamed your asexuality on your depression, and doesn’t want to prescribe you the medication so it doesn’t “further ruin” your “sex drive.” Or wanting to prescribe hormone treatment to “treat” “low libido.” Many people don’t believe asexuality is real in its own right and treat it as a symptom to be solved for other things, which isn’t fair to ace folks who want to be taken seriously + ace folks who are struggling with their sexuality
Yeah my first question would be how long they’d known if we were already in a relationship. Because they can find out during the relationship, but knowing going in without saying anything is wrong.
>Maybe the relationship made them realize they’re asexual.
"I used to enjoy to partake of the peen -
Endeavoured to meet in a moment obscene -
Delighted to share in a lewd rendezvous -
Excited to *do it*...
... and then I met you."
Some people don’t really understand it about themselves until later in life. It can be real easy to confuse a number of feelings like wanting to make others happy, a need for validation from a partner, etc, for sexual desire. In other words, there are lots of reasons to WANT to have sex that are not sexual desire. It is completely possible to have a healthy sex life with an asexual partner, depending on the people.
Thank you for being a voice of reason for us asexual people. Almost everyone automatically assumes being asexual means you're completely sex repulsed and disgusted by the thought of sex when that isn't always the case.
I didn't come to the realization until I was in my 30s that I liked the *idea* of sex, but not the act itself. And that I liked the *idea* of relationships, but actually being *in* a relationship, even with amazing people, was always unpleasant.
For most of us, we wish we had realized sooner and not wasted so much time and effort finding out the hard way.
This sounds like me exactly. I just don't find most men compelling and the idea of being alone is not a sad one. Sex also sounds good on paper but yeah, my needs are pretty well met through toys. Having sex with a partner seems unnecessary imo.
I’ve been there. College boyfriend after about a year of dating told me that he thought he was asexual. We had been having sex until then, and it made me feel awful thinking that he might’ve not wanted to the entire time. I felt bad “making” him do that. It was always consensual, but I was worried he only did it because he felt he had to.
NOTE: not all asexual people would do what this guy did (be controlling/manipulative). Some people can make a relationship without sex work, but this is what I personally did not want. I never shamed him for his lack of sexuality, but it made navigating the relationship more challenging.
That relationship went on for at least another year, but ended up failing for a few reasons. I’m quite sexual, so that became a compatibility issue. We did not have sex thereafter. He was kind of a controlling person (not because he is asexual). He would make me feel ashamed for getting turned on or, god forbid, masturbating. He also guilted me in staying with him despite the lack of any sexual compromise. He basically said that if I really loved him for him we would stay together. And I did love him a lot at the time, so that is why I stayed. I know now that sex is important to me, and really it is nice to be intimate with someone and to feel wanted in that way. I felt ugly for the longest time because any time I brought up this issue, I would either be rejected (ouch) or shamed for wanting anything sexual. We were both pretty young in this relationship. If I were in a relationship like this now, after some more relationship experience, I would have tried to have a clearer discussion about my needs.
In all, I hope that if anyone else finds themselves in this situation (ie with a partner that realizes they’re asexual), that you can have a serious conversation and decide if this is enough of a compatibility issue to stop seeing each other or make a compromise to match both of your needs.
**Edited for clarity
At first I was: Okay, sounds fair. But then he not only shames you for having natural urges; he guilts you into keeping the relationship going? What a cockbucket.
Geeze. I'm asexual and while not sex-repulsed I'm not really into it, so I've been upfront with saying that at the start of a relationship. It's lost me some romantic relationships, but better that than losing the friendship.
But, point is, if you're ace and don't want to have sex and are with a sexual partner, ffs, have conversations about compromises, whether that's suggesting poly relationships, hookups for the person interested in sex, or just... communication in general.
I'm sorry this dude didn't do that.
Fully agree with this. Unless you’ve experienced this yourself it’s really hard to imagine how miserable it is to not feel desired and wanted. It can fuck with your self esteem and ego really badly.
Sounds like he wasn’t a good person aside from that though. Totally not okay what he did. So good on you to get rid of him.
So it was okay for him to be that way, but also dictated to you that you have to fundamentally change who you are, too?? Nah. That's not a good sign for any relationship.
Ask for more details. Are they sex repulsed or just disinterested? Would they be willing to watch me, or interact verbally? Do they like to still give pleasure to others, or only receive it, or are only certain kinds of touch ok? Can we kiss? Do we have to just stay above the belt? Are they ok with me masturbating and then we cuddle? Are they ok with me sleeping with someone else but then coming home to cuddle?
Wow this is weird, this actually happened to me the other day.
My partner came and told me she is asexual. We talked through what that meant to her and basically she's not anti-sex, in fact she enjoys it, she just has almost no independent interest in sex, and almost no attraction or sexual desire towards people. So (after checking that she was still happy with the way things are and she wouldn't prefer some alternative arrangement) we basically just agreed to continue as we have been throughout the relationship up to this point.
Boring I know, sorry
Edit: In fact it made me feel more free to pursue my own kinks and desires, since sex is now something she mostly does because she wants to make me happy I feel less bad making it about my wants
Edit2: Clarified a bit some people are picking up on
Stop it! Stop being mature adults and talking out your issues. You're supposed to keep it all bottled up inside until everything explodes in a messy fight. Don't you know anything about relationships?
/S
This is super wholesome thanks for sharing! So happy to hear it worked out for you and your partner. :)
And that totally makes sense how it can be sort of freeing for your own experience of sex as well. I imagine it's the sort of thing that many people would notice during sex even before their partner comes out. I could easily see it being affirming to have an explanation and permission instead of taking it personally or feeling guilty.
Reading this was a really nice break from the rest of the thread. I can't believe I had to scroll this far to read about someone's actual (positive) experience of a partner coming out instead of, uhhh, people talking out they ignorant asses. So thanks again. 😅
Thanks!
Honestly it made very little difference as far as our lives go. I already knew she had a very low libido and I would either pretty much always have to initiate, or ask for things in advance if I wanted the illusion of her initiating. Which can be wearing but is easier with an explanation of why.
As for noticing during sex, like I said she enjoys the act during the moment so it wasn't something noticeable except through the low libido itself. I still make sure she has a good time, I'm not sure if you'd call it a kink exactly but my partner's pleasure is really important to my enjoyment of sex
Depends. If they're one of those asexuals who still likes sex but doesn't require it or pursue it then I'd be a bit disappointed, but if it's of the sex repulsed variety where there's no sex ever I'd be inclined to pursue a relationship elsewhere because I don't want to commit to a sexless lifestyle.
Edit: apparently I started the typical discourse with my phrasing. oof.
Been in a relationship like this for almost 2 years now and honestly I'm fine with it. My partner is asexual but isn't repulsed by it. More of its just a rare mood for him. As someone who came from 3 different relationships that all heavily revolved around sex or having a partner that ALWAYS wanted to sleep together I'm happy to have that break. It makes sex more of something to appreciate when it does happen and good God does he go all out when we do fool around.
Instead of sex his love language is food and quality time, remembering our favorite meals or date spots. Doing little acts of romance and just BEING there without having to consider if one another's just trying to get some for doing something. Are there random hook ups where he's just like "hey, bedroom , 15 minutes ?" And I get the hint of "Hey, dumbass I'm in the mood go freshen up." I'm usually down for it too.
We've been called out in the past and told that it's just a friendship with extra steps but who made that the rule ? We love eachother and plan on spending our lives together. Sex is all in good fun but the support and trust are always more important than getting some ass.
Plus , fucker can suck chrome off a trailer hitch if he really wanted to. Not giving that up just because I don't have the societel standard amount of sex as everyone else.
>Plus , fucker can suck chrome off a trailer hitch if he really wanted to. Not giving that up just because I don't have the societel standard amount of sex as everyone else.
WASN'T EXPECTING THAT IM FUCKING WHEEZING
I’m finding this to be so much more common as my friends settle into relationships and/or get married. And all were warned by numerous trusted older married women about the horrors of sex; which, coming from so many different women in marriages of varying stages of happiness, seemed shockingly prevalent. There’s a theory that a much larger percentage of humans are asexual but simply don’t have the terminology or background knowledge to realize it. At the very least I’m happy people finally have the words to talk about these things BEFORE they enter a relationship or whenever appropriate. Older generations just didn’t talk about it at all.
I’m in a marriage where my spouse became asexual and it has been very tough. Orgasms aren’t a problem and we’ve had a great connection in the past. She just isn’t interested in sex anymore. We’re in separate rooms now, because it’s the only way to make it easier for our relationship. We have kids and they think it’s because of snoring and sleep walking. We joke about it as a family. It’s been a depressing experience, but we’re staying together for the kids. It doesn’t feel right to cheat and I’m stuck without options. Not sure what to do.
My parents “stayed in it for the kids” and I’ve been waiting for them to get a divorce for the past 25 years but neither of them will pull the trigger. They dislike each other immensely and it feels sad to me and my siblings to watch our parents waste their lives miserable with and at each other.
That's how my grandparents were. I thought it was a joke when I was younger because they were old, but as I grew I realized they barely talked to each other
Sometimes staying together is actually worse for the kids. Consider your happiness, because that greatly affects your children's. I wish you the best navigating a difficult situation.
This is where I'm at. After children my wife completely lost interest in physical contact. It's incredibly depressing to hear about friends and colleagues still having a physical relationship when I'm locked in. It's even worse as many people seem to think we're happily married as every other aspect is just fine but the fact is we're pretty much just friends at this point.
See if she can get her hormones checked. I was over ten years in when my sex drive dropped. Turned out I didn’t have enough progesterone and testosterone. Once I started hormones my sex drive came back, better than ever.
This makes me think about antidepressants. Many psych medications have loss of sexual desire as a side effect. So many people are on psych drugs these days it could be affecting some couples intimacy without them realizing the cause. Great suggestion. There could be a physical reason and get checked out.
She may not be motivated to do so, but there are lot of hormonal changes after kids and she really should discuss this with her gynecologist. Doesn't mean it would be fixed but she may think something 'naturally' occurred when it actually has gone haywire.
I have several asexual friends and I know how much diversity there is under that label. So I'd ask them what that looks like for them, and how they feel about our relationship as it is. What needs to change, if anything. Figure out if it makes sense to continue the relationship or maybe transition to a friendship. There are a lot of possibilities out there for open minded people.
I’ve got 2 asexual friends. 1 of them was actually just demisexual which would only pose a problem if their partner wanted a threesome. The other is fine with giving someone sexual pleasure but not taking it, so handjobs and such but probably no sex (tho logically if he used a strap on he should be okay with that but I’m not asking him, it’s rude).
So yeah, lot of options and possibilities, so the real answer to the question would be a conversation.
After 18 months of trying to compromise and making each other miserable? We ended our 9 year marriage and sold the house we had built together. She couldn't comprehend me being able to have a physical relationship extra to the marriage, because it would have to involve some feelings and how could I do that and still love her. And I couldn't bear to put her through the ordeal of sex, or the betrayal of cheating. So, it ended our relationship.
It doesn't have to be that way. I have great intimate snuggles with someone I don't have sex with, and great sex with people I care about but don't want to live with. I live alone and it works.
Being happy is everything. Say what you want and what you can accommodate. Just dont give up what makes you tick because you are told you have to share your life with someone.
Would you give any advice for someone in your situation to take the first step with a partner who isn’t into sex? I love everything else but coming up on a year here…
Establish clear boundaries and expectations, just like any relationship. Most monogamous couples don't discuss that, as there are societal standards most people understand, but hey, be clear up front.
Will your relationship be non-monogamous. What does that look like, what gets shared. Where does it happen. If both parties are ok with it, even if it's open at one end only, then lying, and breaking those rules is what counts as cheating.
Maybe the asexual partner gets to go on dates too, because meeting new people is fun. You both choose. If they can't bear to have sex with you, or think of you having sex with someone else while being with them, it won't work. But that is their issue, and if they can't compromise for a relationship, they may be happier living alone, another thing we sometimes assume for ourselves because society.
I'm highly asexual and had a TON of sex with a lot of different people when younger trying to figure out why it was so hard to get any happiness out of it. It took asexuality becoming more mainstream to understand what was happening.
For me, it's basically just nearly impossible to orgasm because I don't really "care" about the sex itself, although I can from pure stimulation if I can properly zone out and cut my brain off and focus on that (which is too hard while trying to please someone else).
So in a relationship, it just means I can have sex but last forever because I never orgasm except sometime with BJs because I can do the zone-out thing. I've had trouble in relationships because some people get mad that they aren't really doing anything for me, but some don't care.
This spectrum is all over the place, is the point. I suspect a lot of people are on it and don't realize it.
This is entire thread is why I’m so hesitant to even consider dating ever since I realized I’m ace. I’m sex repulsed and while there’s nothing wrong with me or with other people being honest about needing a partner who isn’t sex repulsed, it means that there’s going to be so many first dates that go nowhere. It feels like such a waste of time I can spend doing anything else.
On the upside I’m happy to see how many of the top voted comments are people not shaming the asexual person. People have different needs and sexualities and being honest about them without judging the other person at least gives me joy seeing how far attitudes have changed towards a sexuality.
>there’s going to be so many first dates that go nowhere. It feels like such a waste of time I can spend doing anything else.
this is exactly where i’m at with it. why would i want to go through the same job interview stage over and over, with a side of occasionally facing anger or disgust or disbelief from those i’m trying to be honest with? i don’t live somewhere with easy access to other asexual people, and trying to meet people online is really hard. i’ve mostly come to terms with having good friends and letting myself be.
It would depend on if it was a new realization to them or something they had lied about. If it was a new realization I would be supportive and loving. Sex matters less and less as I age so I would certainly try to keep an intimate relationship while respecting their authentic self. If they had lied by not disclosing I would be out.
Thanks for this! I’m not OP but I was kinda stressed out by all the “how could you do this to someone” replies! I think in most cases it’s probably the person realizing it, rather than hiding it from the start!
This. I'm not ace, but I do have experience with getting my own orientation wrong (called myself bi for years, and I'm actually a lesbian) and I'm always a little startled with how straight people seem to expect people to have all this figured out 100% before ever involving other people, and anything new we discover about ourselves is assumed to be a malicious lie we were hiding. That's not how it works.
I say that as someone who would not probably be longterm compatible with an ace partner with the exception of ace spectrum orientations like demi that can still include this type of attraction, but are more related to *how* it develops. If my partner, who is actually demi, figured out that she's ace, that probably would be a deal breaker for me longterm, but I would never think she lied about it in that hypothetical scenario. We're allowed to figure things out about ourself.
It's also relevant that society doesn't exactly encourage this type of self exploration because straight is pretty aggressively expected and assumed of us, so we really can't blame those who are late to the party.
Oh hey I can help!
My wife and I had been dating for about three years before we figured out she was asexual.
There were some friction points regarding sex prior because like most allos I thought her lack of expressed sexual desire for me was a knock on me. Pro-tip: It's not.
Once we realized she was ace and I got over myself, our relationship skyrocketed. Communication is key, just like any other relationship. Don't be scared to talk about your love languages. My wife, for instance, loves hobby time. Once I realized that she expressed love by spending time participating in hobbies with me, the weird b"she doesn't loves me because she doesn't want to bang me" garbage went away.
15 very happy years now with a hell of an awesome daughter. Don't let anyone tell you that aces and allos can't work. We damn sure can. Ace pride!
My reaction was shock.
We had been married for 14 years. Obviously something was up, and I had been trying to talk with them for years about it. We were in a Dead Bedroom situation for so long.
After a lengthy bout of therapy, they finally told me. They were non-binary/asexual.
I took a few days to research and asked several questions. And we talked a lot. Learned they considered themselves asexual for many years and didn’t tell me.
In the end, we separated and divorced. Hardest thing I ever had to do. It’s been four years. I am now remarried to someone who isn’t asexual and it’s night and day difference.
I know people change and you learn things in life. However, the hurt is that they knew for so long and didn’t discuss or admit it. Just let a problem fester. I only wish that they would have been forthcoming. It wasn’t like I wasn’t trying to ask and understand.
It might be shallow, but intimacy in bed is something I enjoy a lot, not being able to do that would be a big deal breaker. Even if they gave me permission to play with others, not being able to do that stuff with my partner would be sad for me. I would most likely break off the relationship, but would still probably enjoy being good friends :)
I’m asexual and I completely respect that other people have different needs than I do. **That’s not shallow and it’s not something you should feel any shame about.** Compatibility in relationships is important (all kinds, not just sexual or romantic relationships). You deserve to be happy and to make someone happy as well.
This kinds of posts and comments are exactly what made me realize I am in the asexual spectrum, because the thought of never having sex again but still being with the woman I love is absolutely ok for me.
Yep. Also I can not understand at all how not having sex for a few months can be like purgatory for normal people.
When some of my friends sometimes say "I have not been laid in weeks/months, I can barely think straight anymore", I always assumed that they are excessively overexaggerating. Maybe they were not..
Haha. I think that is also part of the journey of most ace people.
"I am not really as interested in guys as my friends are, maybe I am gay?"
Then: "Women are nice to look at but I am not really more attracted to women than men, maybe I am bi."
Then you come across the term asexual the first time and suddenly it makes sense. Or at least a bit more sense.
Me too! I'm as close to asexual as one can possibly get without being quite asexual. I could live with sex and be happy and fulfilled, and I could live without sex and be happy and fulfilled. I am also only capable of sexual attraction if I love the person, but even then, I would be perfectly happy without sex. Emotionally connecting with a person is so much more intimate than slapping flesh suits together, to me.
I’d want to discuss it further with them to explore the details of it, but I’m open to a non-sexual but romantic relationship.
I don’t really require physical intimacy or sexual activity in my romantic relationships so I’m pretty ok with this but would like to discuss it further to see where the relationship can go.
I’m not asexual, but for medical reasons I’m not able to have penetrating intercourse. People don’t decide who they are and I wouldn’t judge a relationship just on one thing.
I'm not asexual but I'm not a very sexual person. I can do just fine with my vibrator and my hand. On the other hand, I crave physical intimacy in the form of cuddles and closeness and the occasional prolonged makeout sesh... so yeah. That's my non-answer.
This happened to me once. Was in a relationship just shy of 3 years and she sat me down and told me she is asexual. I told her that I love her and we would figure someone out. We spent the next few hours redrawing our boundaries and discussing how our relationship would continue and how it would look.
We ended up choosing polyamory and I learned a lot about myself. The relationship ended up not working because I am a very monogamous person and very much not asexual.
Throwaway account, for obvious reasons.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years. We're in a small, southern town and she isn't as chronically online as I am. We never really had sex a lot, since our work schedules keep us apart a ton. She never knew asexuality was a thing until maybe a year or two ago. She just thought something was wrong with her.
Sometimes it's hard. She says we still can have sex, since I enjoy it, but that really just kills it for me, too. Makes it feel like I'm just an item on a to-do list, honestly. She likes cuddling and other forms of intimacy, as do I, but there's just something about the way our brains are wired. Masturbation is always an option, and I definitely do.
I know our situation is weird. I don't talk about it, because I don't want to be one of \*those\* guys, but it's rough. She was willing to open our marriage up to third person to help fulfill my needs, but that feels wrong to me for a few reasons. Nothing against polyamory. It works for people that are into it, but I feel like it would only further complicate what is an already complicated situation. Plus, I really only want to be with my wife.
That said, if I wasn't a decade and a half in, with a house and cars in \*our\* name, maybe my answer would be different. Some might call it sunken cost fallacy, but I call it love. We've built our life together, and been through ups and downs. She's helped me a lot with my mental health issues and body image, and understands me on a fundamental level at least as well as I understand myself.
The lack of sex IS an issue, but it isn't a deal breaker. Relationships are pretty complicated
Edit :: When I said "I don't talk about it," I meant outside of our relationship. We talk about our feelings openly. Been happily married for a reason, and that's why. (That, and separate bank accounts)
I am in an allo-ace marriage. Somewhat similar situation that she discovered her asexuality years into our marriage. I also do not find it a deal breaker, divorce is not on the table. I was actually *relieved* when she came out cause I knew something was wrong in bed, but I thought it was ME. Led to a lot of feelings of inadequacy on my part that I could never seem to please my wife.
I do have some advice if you'd like. Don't open up the relationship. It almost always ends with jealousy and resentment except perhaps in very rare cases. If sex is so important you would require another partner, then that's what you need -- another partner, time for a clean divorce.
Masterbation is okay. It only takes one to tango, lol. My wife is sex repulsed, so as long as she doesn't have to hear or think about it, I can do what I like to meet my needs.
If you are feeling resentment or betrayal or any negative feelings like that, please talk about it openly. There is no reason to sit on your hands and just hope things improve on their own.
About your wife offering sex: there are so many "flavors" of asexuality! She may legitimately want to initiate sex with you for many reasons. Might be a nice endorphin release, maybe she wants to feel close to you, perhaps she enjoys seeing you in pleasure. As long as she is not doing it out of guilt or a feeling of sense of "requirement".
Hey, reach out to me if you need. Good luck with everything!
This is the most depressing comment I've seen all day. I looked at your profile and most of your comments are of this nature. Hurts to see you hurting so much.
I’m a 30yr old virgin due to cancer and dating is brutal. I know a few other guys with cancer too and we’re all in the same boat with being perpetually single.
My current relationship is 6 years long, after the 4th year she came to me and said she has come to the realization that she is asexual....it's destroyed the relationship, not because we don't have sex but because she doesn't even sleep in the same room with me any more, there is 0 intimacy no cuddling, no rest next to each other on the couch no hand holding absolutely no physical contact of any kind,
only reason I'm still in the relationship is my step-daughter, I don't want to abandon her like her father did but she is a senior in high school and going off to college soon so I am making preparations to end the relationship but telling my daughter that I will always be there for her no matter what I just won't be with her mother anymore
If they're sex-repulsed, I don't think there's a way to make that work with me, but if they're just neutral on it, I assume it should be fine- like any other give-and-take in a relationship.
I have never heard the tearm before. I am 60 and never been physical with anyone. Infact I watch porn and it dose nothing for me. I am 60 now and never even kissed a woman or man or been in a relationship. I always thought I was weird so I stayed away from dating. This helps me to understand how I feel in a big way.
Never stop learning about ourselves huh. Hope you have a good time researching
well, those replies are very depressing to read for an ace searching for love like me. i knew my chances were low because of that sole fact but heck, didn't realize they were almost non-existent. at least it's nice to know people respect you when you disclose it early. it's sad to hear they'd never give you a chance... but if that's their reaction, it'd never work out anyway and they wouldn't be my type either. update: guys, i've found someone <3 we'll see how this works out! we had a nice long chat before we agreed to try dating, talked about potential problems coming from both sides. openness and understanding rule :D
Fellow ace here, sending all my support to you! I'm in a relationship with an allo, so don't give up. It is possible :)
I'm pretty late to this, but this actually happened to me. My current partner told me about 3-4 years into our relationship that she realized she might be asexual. She told me that she'd realized since we'd been together that she'd often used sex as validation or because she thought she was supposed to. She'd been coming to the realization for a long time before she told me, and told me she was afraid of how I'd react. I'll preface my reaction by saying that we have never been monogamous, so things may have worked out differently if we were. I was not totally surprised. We tell each other everything, and I'd heard a lot about her previous partners. From what I gathered, I was her first long-term partner who wasn't abusive, pushy, or worse. I didn't feel like I'd disappointed her or turned her asexual in some way, I knew that she was telling me this because she felt comfortable that I wouldn't freak out or leave her. When we'd first started seeing each other I'd gone through a similar experience working up the courage to tell her I'm bi. The entire experience made us closer. That was years ago now, and we still very much love each other. We still have sex occasionally, but she's also fine if I seek it out elsewhere as long as I'm safe (always) and communicative (to a fault). Coming out to a partner is always difficult, regardless of what your sexuality is (or isn't). It's scary to think the person you love may feel differently about you afterward, but it's better than living a lie and letting it eat away at you.
I love healthy commuinication
Outstanding communication, acceptance, understanding, vulnerability, honesty. You guys really got this love thing nailed down, good for you.
This is real emotional maturity. I salute you internet stranger!
[удалено]
Honestly is key. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual. But not everyone is compatible with dating someone who is asexual. We all have our needs in a relationship. Being up front about it helps prevent anyone from getting hurt if they develop strong feelings but learn about it late and aren’t compatible with it. I’d much rather learn it up front.
Yup, everyone like “how could you do this to another person!!“ Fuck, I’m not getting blamed for that. You’re learning upfront.
I've been on a date with an asexual guy. He told me 1 hour into the date. I had nothing but respect for straight up telling me. I said I want sex to be a part of a relationship, he respected my choice and we had a great date. We were friends for long after that
This is how it should be and if I ever date someone I’d be upfront about it. I think it’s a very important conversation to have right away.
It absolutely is. Anyone even doubting this for a moment should take a quick peek at /r/deadbedrooms It's an eye-opening and brutal look at how an incompatible sexula relationship can destroy your will to live
Sexula sounds like a porn vampire
I VANT TO SUUUUUCK
...Your Cooccckkk!!!
Bleh!
ONE unwashed cock! TWO unwashed balls! HA HA HAAA
THREE mysterious lesions!
and a FULL PANEL STD SCREEN! I read this to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas 🤣
Snort laughed
> It's an eye-opening and brutal look at how an incompatible sexula relationship can destroy your will to live This is so true but I also sort of hate it. As a gay man, I am given so much grief at times for wanting to know what a person's sexual preference is with people thinking all I care about is sex or just want to hookup. No, I ask since dating is mentally taxing for me and no amount of connection and compatibility will save the bedroom if we are both bottoms. I would rather torpedo this on Day 1 rather then Day 30. I am a really practical person, really wish as a society we could get past the 'moving too fast' angle and just be okay with like a short list of hard no's that you can exchange on the first date or in a dating profile without being glare at for being choosy or a bitch.
As a straight woman. Same. I also wish I could ask and nobody think I’m implying I wish to sleep with them right now.
Hell yeah. "Hard nos" are super important. I've been divorced twice, and I can't stress the importance of them enough.
Absolutely, children too. I’d hate to spend several years of my life dating someone and then find out they want children and I don’t, wasting both our time. Not something you can or should compromise on!
I’ve seen the children debate cause a YouTube channel couple to completely divorce. One wanted kids and the other did not and they didn’t have this conversation before being married so many years. Now the guy in the divorce has been having a really rough time since then.
I know a couple in real life that did not discuss the children issue before getting married and it’s absolutely bizarre to me as they almost split until the one caved and had a kid and then they almost divorced again when they each wanted to raise their child in their own religion. Just the dumbest thing to me like how do you not discuss these things
I think it is almost a must to say someone you just started dating that sex is very important to you or it’s not. If someone gets offended it wouldn’t have worked anyway. Worst case I’ve heard so your expecting sex on a first date? Easily rectified by saying “maybe hoping, but I believe it’s important in a relationship to know where each of us stands on the subject.” It has never backfired and most women are very understanding and almost always open about the subject.
I love how your username is just three different languages for cheese
Thank you, sharp eye
I hope you are from Guadalajara. Then you'd be a Mexican three-cheese blend. Yes, I am a middle-aged father. Why do you ask?
That would've been fun. Unfortunately I'm not
Queso ra sera.
>Queso ra sera. There he paused upon the thread - Saw the line and slowly read - Rolled his eyes and shook his head. "... what a cheesy pun," he said.
That was immaculate
As in mac and cheese, almost didn't get that one
GRACED BY REDDIT ROYALTY I AM IMMORTAL
WITNESS!
WITNEEEESSSS!
How... such quick... Oh, it's the resident poet
I do love it when our bards peep in once in awhile
Sprog is back! And I'm here to see it!
Whatever is cheese, is cheese.
There's a shop in my city called Formaggio's Cheeses. I'm like, you do realize you named your shop Cheese's Cheeses right?
How else are you to know that this cheese was hand picked by yet more cheese! It means it's the best cheese!
It's your favorite cheese's favorite cheese!
This. You do you, but you’re not for me. Best of luck. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
Incompatibility is not an insult. It's not someone being inadequate. People can't get over that
Pretty much exactly how it should be. If youre not compatible for a relationship cause of different interests, but otherwise like each other why not stay friends as long as you can manage everything feelings wise
I consider myself asexual, and probably have more sex than most people in a multi year relationship. Partner has a high sex drive, but I don't really care for it myself. I very much enjoy pleasing her sexually, it's fun exploring their kinks, and seeing them happy. Whereas in the past I've gone literally years with thinking about sex or masterbation. Obviously I'm not disgusted at the thought of sex as some people are and don't really consider it a compromise I have to make in a relationship to work. It's just something that they enjoy and I enjoy aiding them in something they like doing. Like taking an interest in a partners hobby (like board games, football, or something else) and just being there to see them having fun. Guess my point is that, like all sexualities, it's on a spectrum and is different for each person. Someone saying that they are asexual is just a entry point into having a more detailed conversation, which it sounds like you had.
Some probing questions because my curiosity is higher than my manners at the moment: Are you attracted to your partner based on looks? If yes, is there a gender or specific type of person you consider more attractive? Are you able to reach orgasm and if so, do you enjoy that aspect? I love learning about different viewpoints and trying to comprehend things I don't understand. If any of that was intrusive or uncool to ask I apologize and will fuck off.
I’m asexual as well but I basically just lack a sex drive and seeing human as sexual beings is extremely rare for me. I’m attracted to my boyfriend romantically and I have sex with him because he has a sex drive. But I don’t see sex like others do like a health bar just like hunger or sleep. Can’t even comprehend that. At most maybe as a hormonal teen there was some sexual feelings but it was more curiosity than anything else and I haven’t felt that since I was about 15 or so (I’m 32 now)
I am asexual and married and have two kids. It’s definitely possible to have a relationship and be able to please your partner. Like you said, it’s all on a big wide spectrum.
Why aren’t you friends anymore
We grew apart
Let’s just Brie friends
I mean you could have said Hallou-to-mi once in a while
I don't give edam about you anymore
Well, gouda riddance then
You Muenster!
Like a fine cheese
I don't think that's actually a thing cheese does.
It is if you leave it out too long and it gains sentience.
This actually happened to me. He was so much fun, that sex ultimately did not matter. We had 8 years together before he went I search of new adventures, but we stayed friends until his death. I stil miss him.
That's really nice
Unless she killed him
LOL! I did not, but this would definitely have made him laugh!
Now even I miss him.
Awww dammit. It's spreading.
WE ALL MISS HIM NOW
I miss him the most
WHAT THE FUCK DID I WALK INTO AND WHY DO I MISS THIS GUY
I'm already tearing up and I've known this guy for about 10 seconds...
He was so much fun that EVERYONE should miss him…For those who are old enough to remember, he was the equivalent of a Disneyland E Ticket.
*our* asexual ex-boyfriend
Love the sense of humor and ability to have great memories 😆
“We were great friends right up until he went in the wood chipper. Still miss him to pieces!”
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yeah that'd be a deal breaker for me. Sex I can live without, but no physical intimacy at all? That'd suck, physical touch is my main love language.
Yah, im asexual, and ok with sex but prefer not to have it. Cuddling though? When my ex stopped cuddle me, that one really really really hurt me...
Some of us love cuddles :,) ^just ^for ^the ^record
[удалено]
Wish them well, find someone who shares my interests.
This is what I should have done
If you don't mind me asking; what *did* you do?
Yeah and I think this should have been discussed *before* going into a relationship, not when you’re already in the relationship. Edit: Look at me, 2 days on Reddit and already have 2 Golds in my name. Mom, are you proud?
In theory, yes. My brother’s best friend from college had been dating his (now wife) for 2 years before he realized he had no desire for sex. He realized he was doing it to make her happy and not because it made him happy. But he really didn’t realize that. This was also back in 2005 before this language was more common. They have two kids now and he loves the kids and loves being a dad. Will engage in sex because it makes his wife happy. They have a very loving relationship. He just doesn’t like sex. I also learned from some college students I facilitate a group for, the term for ~~someone~~ my brother’s friend who doesn’t enjoy sex but still likes his relationship is “Heteroromantic” or “homoromantic” EDIT: I am still learning folks. I appreciate the DMs and follow up posts giving me more info. Tbh I’ve never thought of sexuality as on a spectrum. So I really appreciate that perspective!
Yeah there’s different spots on the asexual spectrum, like those repulsed by sex (visual imagery or actual intimate contact) and those who have no drive or interest but will still participate for their partner
Hell, there's even people that want to have sex, but have no sexual attraction.
Yeah this is an oft forgotten/unknown version outside of the ace community. Also demi sexuals who may not experience sexual attraction or drive until certain conditions have been met or for a very small subset of people.
This is me. It is so rare that I notice someone in a sexual way that it makes me feel really uncomfortable. That said, I'd love to be in a long term relationship of which sex is a part, but it's hard when I don't notice people that way, mostly.
Always thought that way, but figured it was just inexperience, and I think it was. Tended to like the idea of things rather than the reality (and recognized that). That and not being attracted to the few guys who were attracted to me.
God, can you imagine how productive they must be?
Asexual here to report that no, I am still not productive LMAO
Can confirm. Cat memes exist. Turns out being human, regardless of sexual orientation, means wanting to procrastinate.
Oh no, trust me, we can procrastinate Just as well as the sexually inclined!
I thought I was on the ace spectrum for a while (still might be) then I went off my antidepressants. All I could think about was sex. I was like "is this how normal people feel all the time??"/"this is incredibly distracting".
Herero/homoromantic just means that you experience romantic attraction. Being asexual means you don’t experience sexual attraction, or you experience very little of it. Enjoying sex is not particularly related.
Maybe the relationship made them realize they’re asexual
I used to enjoy sex, then I met you...
George turns them lesbian, Kramer brings them back, I make them go asexual.
What's the deal with *that*?
"Glad I could help??"
MGS 2 Game Over theme plays
❗
Since asexuality comes in a bunch of different flavors, a lot of people don't really realize they're asexual until later in life. I wasn't in a relationship when I came to the conclusion that I'm asexual, but looking back at past relationships it was a constant source of friction (hah) in them. So it's not necessarily that a specific relationship might make a person realize, but maybe coming to the realization that there's been one common thread through all their relationships that's been making them unhappy...
[удалено]
Oh, and SO often asexuality is treated as something to “fix,” and that can be dangerous for people. Like, imagine you desperately want to go on a new medication, but when you told your doctor you were asexual, the doctor blamed your asexuality on your depression, and doesn’t want to prescribe you the medication so it doesn’t “further ruin” your “sex drive.” Or wanting to prescribe hormone treatment to “treat” “low libido.” Many people don’t believe asexuality is real in its own right and treat it as a symptom to be solved for other things, which isn’t fair to ace folks who want to be taken seriously + ace folks who are struggling with their sexuality
Yeah my first question would be how long they’d known if we were already in a relationship. Because they can find out during the relationship, but knowing going in without saying anything is wrong.
>Maybe the relationship made them realize they’re asexual. "I used to enjoy to partake of the peen - Endeavoured to meet in a moment obscene - Delighted to share in a lewd rendezvous - Excited to *do it*... ... and then I met you."
Some people don’t really understand it about themselves until later in life. It can be real easy to confuse a number of feelings like wanting to make others happy, a need for validation from a partner, etc, for sexual desire. In other words, there are lots of reasons to WANT to have sex that are not sexual desire. It is completely possible to have a healthy sex life with an asexual partner, depending on the people.
Thank you for being a voice of reason for us asexual people. Almost everyone automatically assumes being asexual means you're completely sex repulsed and disgusted by the thought of sex when that isn't always the case.
I didn't come to the realization until I was in my 30s that I liked the *idea* of sex, but not the act itself. And that I liked the *idea* of relationships, but actually being *in* a relationship, even with amazing people, was always unpleasant. For most of us, we wish we had realized sooner and not wasted so much time and effort finding out the hard way.
This sounds like me exactly. I just don't find most men compelling and the idea of being alone is not a sad one. Sex also sounds good on paper but yeah, my needs are pretty well met through toys. Having sex with a partner seems unnecessary imo.
It was such a relief, to have a name for what I think, I am. At age 55.... I wish, that effing therapist had mentioned the possibility.
I’ve been there. College boyfriend after about a year of dating told me that he thought he was asexual. We had been having sex until then, and it made me feel awful thinking that he might’ve not wanted to the entire time. I felt bad “making” him do that. It was always consensual, but I was worried he only did it because he felt he had to. NOTE: not all asexual people would do what this guy did (be controlling/manipulative). Some people can make a relationship without sex work, but this is what I personally did not want. I never shamed him for his lack of sexuality, but it made navigating the relationship more challenging. That relationship went on for at least another year, but ended up failing for a few reasons. I’m quite sexual, so that became a compatibility issue. We did not have sex thereafter. He was kind of a controlling person (not because he is asexual). He would make me feel ashamed for getting turned on or, god forbid, masturbating. He also guilted me in staying with him despite the lack of any sexual compromise. He basically said that if I really loved him for him we would stay together. And I did love him a lot at the time, so that is why I stayed. I know now that sex is important to me, and really it is nice to be intimate with someone and to feel wanted in that way. I felt ugly for the longest time because any time I brought up this issue, I would either be rejected (ouch) or shamed for wanting anything sexual. We were both pretty young in this relationship. If I were in a relationship like this now, after some more relationship experience, I would have tried to have a clearer discussion about my needs. In all, I hope that if anyone else finds themselves in this situation (ie with a partner that realizes they’re asexual), that you can have a serious conversation and decide if this is enough of a compatibility issue to stop seeing each other or make a compromise to match both of your needs. **Edited for clarity
At first I was: Okay, sounds fair. But then he not only shames you for having natural urges; he guilts you into keeping the relationship going? What a cockbucket.
Cockbucket. That’s spectacular.
Geeze. I'm asexual and while not sex-repulsed I'm not really into it, so I've been upfront with saying that at the start of a relationship. It's lost me some romantic relationships, but better that than losing the friendship. But, point is, if you're ace and don't want to have sex and are with a sexual partner, ffs, have conversations about compromises, whether that's suggesting poly relationships, hookups for the person interested in sex, or just... communication in general. I'm sorry this dude didn't do that.
Fully agree with this. Unless you’ve experienced this yourself it’s really hard to imagine how miserable it is to not feel desired and wanted. It can fuck with your self esteem and ego really badly. Sounds like he wasn’t a good person aside from that though. Totally not okay what he did. So good on you to get rid of him.
Sounds like he was a dick
Yeah, maybe he was just immature and dumb but also a dick
So it was okay for him to be that way, but also dictated to you that you have to fundamentally change who you are, too?? Nah. That's not a good sign for any relationship.
[удалено]
Ask for more details. Are they sex repulsed or just disinterested? Would they be willing to watch me, or interact verbally? Do they like to still give pleasure to others, or only receive it, or are only certain kinds of touch ok? Can we kiss? Do we have to just stay above the belt? Are they ok with me masturbating and then we cuddle? Are they ok with me sleeping with someone else but then coming home to cuddle?
Thank you. This is a great way to approach it.
Wow this is weird, this actually happened to me the other day. My partner came and told me she is asexual. We talked through what that meant to her and basically she's not anti-sex, in fact she enjoys it, she just has almost no independent interest in sex, and almost no attraction or sexual desire towards people. So (after checking that she was still happy with the way things are and she wouldn't prefer some alternative arrangement) we basically just agreed to continue as we have been throughout the relationship up to this point. Boring I know, sorry Edit: In fact it made me feel more free to pursue my own kinks and desires, since sex is now something she mostly does because she wants to make me happy I feel less bad making it about my wants Edit2: Clarified a bit some people are picking up on
this is essentially what happened with my boyfriend, and today we get married. :) adult conversation wins again!
Congratulations!!!
Stop it! Stop being mature adults and talking out your issues. You're supposed to keep it all bottled up inside until everything explodes in a messy fight. Don't you know anything about relationships? /S
Sir, this is reddit. If your story doesn't involve a world-ending breakup that ends with a pizza place being blown up, we don't want to hear it. /s
This is super wholesome thanks for sharing! So happy to hear it worked out for you and your partner. :) And that totally makes sense how it can be sort of freeing for your own experience of sex as well. I imagine it's the sort of thing that many people would notice during sex even before their partner comes out. I could easily see it being affirming to have an explanation and permission instead of taking it personally or feeling guilty. Reading this was a really nice break from the rest of the thread. I can't believe I had to scroll this far to read about someone's actual (positive) experience of a partner coming out instead of, uhhh, people talking out they ignorant asses. So thanks again. 😅
Thanks! Honestly it made very little difference as far as our lives go. I already knew she had a very low libido and I would either pretty much always have to initiate, or ask for things in advance if I wanted the illusion of her initiating. Which can be wearing but is easier with an explanation of why. As for noticing during sex, like I said she enjoys the act during the moment so it wasn't something noticeable except through the low libido itself. I still make sure she has a good time, I'm not sure if you'd call it a kink exactly but my partner's pleasure is really important to my enjoyment of sex
Depends. If they're one of those asexuals who still likes sex but doesn't require it or pursue it then I'd be a bit disappointed, but if it's of the sex repulsed variety where there's no sex ever I'd be inclined to pursue a relationship elsewhere because I don't want to commit to a sexless lifestyle. Edit: apparently I started the typical discourse with my phrasing. oof.
Been in a relationship like this for almost 2 years now and honestly I'm fine with it. My partner is asexual but isn't repulsed by it. More of its just a rare mood for him. As someone who came from 3 different relationships that all heavily revolved around sex or having a partner that ALWAYS wanted to sleep together I'm happy to have that break. It makes sex more of something to appreciate when it does happen and good God does he go all out when we do fool around. Instead of sex his love language is food and quality time, remembering our favorite meals or date spots. Doing little acts of romance and just BEING there without having to consider if one another's just trying to get some for doing something. Are there random hook ups where he's just like "hey, bedroom , 15 minutes ?" And I get the hint of "Hey, dumbass I'm in the mood go freshen up." I'm usually down for it too. We've been called out in the past and told that it's just a friendship with extra steps but who made that the rule ? We love eachother and plan on spending our lives together. Sex is all in good fun but the support and trust are always more important than getting some ass. Plus , fucker can suck chrome off a trailer hitch if he really wanted to. Not giving that up just because I don't have the societel standard amount of sex as everyone else.
Isn't a "friendship with extra steps" the goal for a good relationship anyways?
I mean that's basically what I've always imagined a wonderful relationship to be like. Best friend but better.
>Plus , fucker can suck chrome off a trailer hitch if he really wanted to. Not giving that up just because I don't have the societel standard amount of sex as everyone else. WASN'T EXPECTING THAT IM FUCKING WHEEZING
You can make a quote with a > at the start of the line like this >cunilingus
I’m finding this to be so much more common as my friends settle into relationships and/or get married. And all were warned by numerous trusted older married women about the horrors of sex; which, coming from so many different women in marriages of varying stages of happiness, seemed shockingly prevalent. There’s a theory that a much larger percentage of humans are asexual but simply don’t have the terminology or background knowledge to realize it. At the very least I’m happy people finally have the words to talk about these things BEFORE they enter a relationship or whenever appropriate. Older generations just didn’t talk about it at all.
I’m in a marriage where my spouse became asexual and it has been very tough. Orgasms aren’t a problem and we’ve had a great connection in the past. She just isn’t interested in sex anymore. We’re in separate rooms now, because it’s the only way to make it easier for our relationship. We have kids and they think it’s because of snoring and sleep walking. We joke about it as a family. It’s been a depressing experience, but we’re staying together for the kids. It doesn’t feel right to cheat and I’m stuck without options. Not sure what to do.
My parents “stayed in it for the kids” and I’ve been waiting for them to get a divorce for the past 25 years but neither of them will pull the trigger. They dislike each other immensely and it feels sad to me and my siblings to watch our parents waste their lives miserable with and at each other.
That's how my grandparents were. I thought it was a joke when I was younger because they were old, but as I grew I realized they barely talked to each other
[удалено]
Sometimes staying together is actually worse for the kids. Consider your happiness, because that greatly affects your children's. I wish you the best navigating a difficult situation.
There was a release the other day about how father's mental health during formative years greatly affects the child's permanent outlook/mental health
Just saw one about mothers’ depression and speech delays. Given that everyone seems depressed these days I worry a lot for the kids :(
Splitting can be financially devastating though because now you have to support two households with the same income.
This is where I'm at. After children my wife completely lost interest in physical contact. It's incredibly depressing to hear about friends and colleagues still having a physical relationship when I'm locked in. It's even worse as many people seem to think we're happily married as every other aspect is just fine but the fact is we're pretty much just friends at this point.
See if she can get her hormones checked. I was over ten years in when my sex drive dropped. Turned out I didn’t have enough progesterone and testosterone. Once I started hormones my sex drive came back, better than ever.
This makes me think about antidepressants. Many psych medications have loss of sexual desire as a side effect. So many people are on psych drugs these days it could be affecting some couples intimacy without them realizing the cause. Great suggestion. There could be a physical reason and get checked out.
She may not be motivated to do so, but there are lot of hormonal changes after kids and she really should discuss this with her gynecologist. Doesn't mean it would be fixed but she may think something 'naturally' occurred when it actually has gone haywire.
> but we’re staying together for the kids FWIW this is largely acknowledged as a bad idea.
I have several asexual friends and I know how much diversity there is under that label. So I'd ask them what that looks like for them, and how they feel about our relationship as it is. What needs to change, if anything. Figure out if it makes sense to continue the relationship or maybe transition to a friendship. There are a lot of possibilities out there for open minded people.
I’ve got 2 asexual friends. 1 of them was actually just demisexual which would only pose a problem if their partner wanted a threesome. The other is fine with giving someone sexual pleasure but not taking it, so handjobs and such but probably no sex (tho logically if he used a strap on he should be okay with that but I’m not asking him, it’s rude). So yeah, lot of options and possibilities, so the real answer to the question would be a conversation.
After 18 months of trying to compromise and making each other miserable? We ended our 9 year marriage and sold the house we had built together. She couldn't comprehend me being able to have a physical relationship extra to the marriage, because it would have to involve some feelings and how could I do that and still love her. And I couldn't bear to put her through the ordeal of sex, or the betrayal of cheating. So, it ended our relationship. It doesn't have to be that way. I have great intimate snuggles with someone I don't have sex with, and great sex with people I care about but don't want to live with. I live alone and it works. Being happy is everything. Say what you want and what you can accommodate. Just dont give up what makes you tick because you are told you have to share your life with someone.
Would you give any advice for someone in your situation to take the first step with a partner who isn’t into sex? I love everything else but coming up on a year here…
Establish clear boundaries and expectations, just like any relationship. Most monogamous couples don't discuss that, as there are societal standards most people understand, but hey, be clear up front. Will your relationship be non-monogamous. What does that look like, what gets shared. Where does it happen. If both parties are ok with it, even if it's open at one end only, then lying, and breaking those rules is what counts as cheating. Maybe the asexual partner gets to go on dates too, because meeting new people is fun. You both choose. If they can't bear to have sex with you, or think of you having sex with someone else while being with them, it won't work. But that is their issue, and if they can't compromise for a relationship, they may be happier living alone, another thing we sometimes assume for ourselves because society.
I'm highly asexual and had a TON of sex with a lot of different people when younger trying to figure out why it was so hard to get any happiness out of it. It took asexuality becoming more mainstream to understand what was happening. For me, it's basically just nearly impossible to orgasm because I don't really "care" about the sex itself, although I can from pure stimulation if I can properly zone out and cut my brain off and focus on that (which is too hard while trying to please someone else). So in a relationship, it just means I can have sex but last forever because I never orgasm except sometime with BJs because I can do the zone-out thing. I've had trouble in relationships because some people get mad that they aren't really doing anything for me, but some don't care. This spectrum is all over the place, is the point. I suspect a lot of people are on it and don't realize it.
This is entire thread is why I’m so hesitant to even consider dating ever since I realized I’m ace. I’m sex repulsed and while there’s nothing wrong with me or with other people being honest about needing a partner who isn’t sex repulsed, it means that there’s going to be so many first dates that go nowhere. It feels like such a waste of time I can spend doing anything else. On the upside I’m happy to see how many of the top voted comments are people not shaming the asexual person. People have different needs and sexualities and being honest about them without judging the other person at least gives me joy seeing how far attitudes have changed towards a sexuality.
>there’s going to be so many first dates that go nowhere. It feels like such a waste of time I can spend doing anything else. this is exactly where i’m at with it. why would i want to go through the same job interview stage over and over, with a side of occasionally facing anger or disgust or disbelief from those i’m trying to be honest with? i don’t live somewhere with easy access to other asexual people, and trying to meet people online is really hard. i’ve mostly come to terms with having good friends and letting myself be.
It would depend on if it was a new realization to them or something they had lied about. If it was a new realization I would be supportive and loving. Sex matters less and less as I age so I would certainly try to keep an intimate relationship while respecting their authentic self. If they had lied by not disclosing I would be out.
Thanks for this! I’m not OP but I was kinda stressed out by all the “how could you do this to someone” replies! I think in most cases it’s probably the person realizing it, rather than hiding it from the start!
This. I'm not ace, but I do have experience with getting my own orientation wrong (called myself bi for years, and I'm actually a lesbian) and I'm always a little startled with how straight people seem to expect people to have all this figured out 100% before ever involving other people, and anything new we discover about ourselves is assumed to be a malicious lie we were hiding. That's not how it works. I say that as someone who would not probably be longterm compatible with an ace partner with the exception of ace spectrum orientations like demi that can still include this type of attraction, but are more related to *how* it develops. If my partner, who is actually demi, figured out that she's ace, that probably would be a deal breaker for me longterm, but I would never think she lied about it in that hypothetical scenario. We're allowed to figure things out about ourself. It's also relevant that society doesn't exactly encourage this type of self exploration because straight is pretty aggressively expected and assumed of us, so we really can't blame those who are late to the party.
Oh hey I can help! My wife and I had been dating for about three years before we figured out she was asexual. There were some friction points regarding sex prior because like most allos I thought her lack of expressed sexual desire for me was a knock on me. Pro-tip: It's not. Once we realized she was ace and I got over myself, our relationship skyrocketed. Communication is key, just like any other relationship. Don't be scared to talk about your love languages. My wife, for instance, loves hobby time. Once I realized that she expressed love by spending time participating in hobbies with me, the weird b"she doesn't loves me because she doesn't want to bang me" garbage went away. 15 very happy years now with a hell of an awesome daughter. Don't let anyone tell you that aces and allos can't work. We damn sure can. Ace pride!
My reaction was shock. We had been married for 14 years. Obviously something was up, and I had been trying to talk with them for years about it. We were in a Dead Bedroom situation for so long. After a lengthy bout of therapy, they finally told me. They were non-binary/asexual. I took a few days to research and asked several questions. And we talked a lot. Learned they considered themselves asexual for many years and didn’t tell me. In the end, we separated and divorced. Hardest thing I ever had to do. It’s been four years. I am now remarried to someone who isn’t asexual and it’s night and day difference. I know people change and you learn things in life. However, the hurt is that they knew for so long and didn’t discuss or admit it. Just let a problem fester. I only wish that they would have been forthcoming. It wasn’t like I wasn’t trying to ask and understand.
I would ask them what asexual means.
I think that's important because it really comes down to the person. So whichever way that what meant, good start
It might be shallow, but intimacy in bed is something I enjoy a lot, not being able to do that would be a big deal breaker. Even if they gave me permission to play with others, not being able to do that stuff with my partner would be sad for me. I would most likely break off the relationship, but would still probably enjoy being good friends :)
I’m asexual and I completely respect that other people have different needs than I do. **That’s not shallow and it’s not something you should feel any shame about.** Compatibility in relationships is important (all kinds, not just sexual or romantic relationships). You deserve to be happy and to make someone happy as well.
Its not shallow to have sexual needs.
This kinds of posts and comments are exactly what made me realize I am in the asexual spectrum, because the thought of never having sex again but still being with the woman I love is absolutely ok for me.
Yep. Also I can not understand at all how not having sex for a few months can be like purgatory for normal people. When some of my friends sometimes say "I have not been laid in weeks/months, I can barely think straight anymore", I always assumed that they are excessively overexaggerating. Maybe they were not..
That same line of thinking, but about how my friends talked about boys is how I realized I was a lesbian lmao
Haha. I think that is also part of the journey of most ace people. "I am not really as interested in guys as my friends are, maybe I am gay?" Then: "Women are nice to look at but I am not really more attracted to women than men, maybe I am bi." Then you come across the term asexual the first time and suddenly it makes sense. Or at least a bit more sense.
Weird seeing twenty years of your life summarized by, like, four sentences in a Reddit comment, haha.
Me too! I'm as close to asexual as one can possibly get without being quite asexual. I could live with sex and be happy and fulfilled, and I could live without sex and be happy and fulfilled. I am also only capable of sexual attraction if I love the person, but even then, I would be perfectly happy without sex. Emotionally connecting with a person is so much more intimate than slapping flesh suits together, to me.
I’d want to discuss it further with them to explore the details of it, but I’m open to a non-sexual but romantic relationship. I don’t really require physical intimacy or sexual activity in my romantic relationships so I’m pretty ok with this but would like to discuss it further to see where the relationship can go.
I’m not asexual, but for medical reasons I’m not able to have penetrating intercourse. People don’t decide who they are and I wouldn’t judge a relationship just on one thing.
I'm not asexual but I'm not a very sexual person. I can do just fine with my vibrator and my hand. On the other hand, I crave physical intimacy in the form of cuddles and closeness and the occasional prolonged makeout sesh... so yeah. That's my non-answer.
Asexuality and aromantic are separate things, asexuality being the wide spectrum it is says that masturbating is something asexuals can do
This happened to me once. Was in a relationship just shy of 3 years and she sat me down and told me she is asexual. I told her that I love her and we would figure someone out. We spent the next few hours redrawing our boundaries and discussing how our relationship would continue and how it would look. We ended up choosing polyamory and I learned a lot about myself. The relationship ended up not working because I am a very monogamous person and very much not asexual.
I can live without sex. So it'll be fine, we'll just cuddle🙂
Throwaway account, for obvious reasons. My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years. We're in a small, southern town and she isn't as chronically online as I am. We never really had sex a lot, since our work schedules keep us apart a ton. She never knew asexuality was a thing until maybe a year or two ago. She just thought something was wrong with her. Sometimes it's hard. She says we still can have sex, since I enjoy it, but that really just kills it for me, too. Makes it feel like I'm just an item on a to-do list, honestly. She likes cuddling and other forms of intimacy, as do I, but there's just something about the way our brains are wired. Masturbation is always an option, and I definitely do. I know our situation is weird. I don't talk about it, because I don't want to be one of \*those\* guys, but it's rough. She was willing to open our marriage up to third person to help fulfill my needs, but that feels wrong to me for a few reasons. Nothing against polyamory. It works for people that are into it, but I feel like it would only further complicate what is an already complicated situation. Plus, I really only want to be with my wife. That said, if I wasn't a decade and a half in, with a house and cars in \*our\* name, maybe my answer would be different. Some might call it sunken cost fallacy, but I call it love. We've built our life together, and been through ups and downs. She's helped me a lot with my mental health issues and body image, and understands me on a fundamental level at least as well as I understand myself. The lack of sex IS an issue, but it isn't a deal breaker. Relationships are pretty complicated Edit :: When I said "I don't talk about it," I meant outside of our relationship. We talk about our feelings openly. Been happily married for a reason, and that's why. (That, and separate bank accounts)
I am in an allo-ace marriage. Somewhat similar situation that she discovered her asexuality years into our marriage. I also do not find it a deal breaker, divorce is not on the table. I was actually *relieved* when she came out cause I knew something was wrong in bed, but I thought it was ME. Led to a lot of feelings of inadequacy on my part that I could never seem to please my wife. I do have some advice if you'd like. Don't open up the relationship. It almost always ends with jealousy and resentment except perhaps in very rare cases. If sex is so important you would require another partner, then that's what you need -- another partner, time for a clean divorce. Masterbation is okay. It only takes one to tango, lol. My wife is sex repulsed, so as long as she doesn't have to hear or think about it, I can do what I like to meet my needs. If you are feeling resentment or betrayal or any negative feelings like that, please talk about it openly. There is no reason to sit on your hands and just hope things improve on their own. About your wife offering sex: there are so many "flavors" of asexuality! She may legitimately want to initiate sex with you for many reasons. Might be a nice endorphin release, maybe she wants to feel close to you, perhaps she enjoys seeing you in pleasure. As long as she is not doing it out of guilt or a feeling of sense of "requirement". Hey, reach out to me if you need. Good luck with everything!
[удалено]
I’m sorry, i cackled when I saw this comment
This is the most depressing comment I've seen all day. I looked at your profile and most of your comments are of this nature. Hurts to see you hurting so much.
I’m a 30yr old virgin due to cancer and dating is brutal. I know a few other guys with cancer too and we’re all in the same boat with being perpetually single.
“Nice. I’ve always wondered if I was too.”
My current relationship is 6 years long, after the 4th year she came to me and said she has come to the realization that she is asexual....it's destroyed the relationship, not because we don't have sex but because she doesn't even sleep in the same room with me any more, there is 0 intimacy no cuddling, no rest next to each other on the couch no hand holding absolutely no physical contact of any kind, only reason I'm still in the relationship is my step-daughter, I don't want to abandon her like her father did but she is a senior in high school and going off to college soon so I am making preparations to end the relationship but telling my daughter that I will always be there for her no matter what I just won't be with her mother anymore
"Non-asexual"? Please, we prefer to be called "fuckers".
that is only if you do fuck, which most of us don't
Most of us are fuck-aspirational
reading some of these comments is actually quite depressing ngl
If they're sex-repulsed, I don't think there's a way to make that work with me, but if they're just neutral on it, I assume it should be fine- like any other give-and-take in a relationship.
Tell them that I fully understand and support them, but unfortunately we aren't compatible.