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I was once taking a poo in my local spoons and thought to myself "since when did they have a white speckled floor in here? Surely I'd have noticed that walking in". I shuffled my foot. It was actually just little spots of coke all over the floor
Ah that's easy then, send all the humans to the downstairs wetherspoons toilets and install a step before entering. Endless water, heating from the handdryers, working plumbing. The people can rebuild society from the safety of the wetherspoons toilets and breed an army.
The worrying part is if the cows are thinking the same in the upstairs wetherspoons toilets because there's a lot more of those ones than the downstairs ones.
It'll be a long and sluggish war, lasting lifetimes with battles spanning across Wetherspoons foyers, but man will prevail, we will triumph. And then the war of the pigs will begin, and the pigs will reign.
They can go down stairs, they just can't stop themselves from falling down them. So bad news if a cow tried to chase you down stairs, neither of you are coming out if well
Assuming no tools or implements, open flat battlefield, and that the cows are bloodlusted / going for the kill each time: The cows win.
I can't see our punches or kicks doing much damage to an almost 1 tonne beast. And good luck getting a choke hold, rofl.
I think we could put up a good fight by going for throat punches/kicks, breaking legs, then stomping them out. But I think we will need 10 people per cow to win.
I don't think you'd need 10 if they were all adult males and pre-retirement age with only minor health issues. But if you took 10 people from the population at random I'm doubtful, some of them are going to be next to useless if they're 85 or 7.
I see what you mean. I meant more on average.
But I honestly can't see me and 6 mates killing a cow unarmed, whilst it is actively trying to murk us.
(If its a normal / non bloodlusted cow, then yea, we got it.)
You'd have to go for the weaker spots as you say. Leg joints and where the ribs aren't protecting the internals. I doubt punching it in the head is going to achieve much unless you get a heavyweight boxer in your 10 apart from breaking your knuckles.
But trying to do so while the cow is pissed off is going to cause casualties inevitably.
I think people win due to our vastly superior intelligence. Once a few people are dead, we can build barriers with their corpses. A section of the humans can push back and defend as best as possible while weaker, smaller humans dig up rocks and stones to use as weapons. Losses would be huge, but I think humans come out on top. There's also the very real likelihood that the cows panic and turn on each other. I guess humans might do this too actually...
Of course the real answer is that this battle is currently happening all around us and humans are winning it so comfortably that cows very rarely even get on the scoreboard.
How organised can we be? Get all the use Children and elderly to go distract a good bunch of cows whilst the strong adults work closely together to destroy cow after cow systematically.
Also, no need to fight in an open field. Use chokepoints to our advantage.
I've seen a female cow climb, then try hump another, then deck it head first on concrete and get up like it never happened. Some farms need tractors to drag sick cows to separate barns, the torque a tractor can produce, and theyre still whole at the end of it. I think a raging cow could even kill 20 farmers if it felt like it. Theyre solid and dont react to pain or much fear like humans do. Those street runs in Spain tell a lot about whos winning the human cow war I think.
Its a good thing they're so docile and unemotional really.
You're assuming that it's an even person to cow average. We have the upper hand because some of us can think strategically whereas the cows are cows, or bloodthirsty cows.
We just need to create a situation where we don't have to handle every cow at once. Even if you deal with them 10% at a time, that leaves room for 20 adults under 40 per cow (assuming about 20 million). Just have to hope your numbers don't dwindle too fast.
> Assuming no tools or implements, open flat battlefield
So like, in the middle of a field?.. where cows live? Pretty biased battlefield choice if you ask me.
Assuming we start evenly with no weapons, one advantage we do have is our brains and ability to make weapons. A battle of this sort isn’t going to take a few hours, you’re probably looking at a conflict dragging out several weeks or months.
The cows initially start stronger, however once we start to take some down we can fashion basic weapons out of their bones and horns. Slowly this starts to turn the tide.
We may even be able to make some basic fortifications out of interlocking bones covered over with leather, and dig trenches and pits.
'Bulldogging' is a rodeo event where you jump from a horse and wrestle a steer to the ground. There's a whole technique to it. I guess it would be possible to do this without a horse.
But can’t we organise? No tools massively reduces our advantages, but we can still communicate - I feel that could be worth something.
I’m assuming the cows are out for blood otherwise there’s no competition- but I’m also assuming they’re not given any human characteristic that would make them more than just “an angry cow”.
So, for example, we could use the battlefield’s geography to our advantage, trick cows off cliffs and herd them into narrow ravines. We could drown them or starve them out of existence. Plus we don’t have to fight 7 on 1, we can fight 35 on one 5 times over.
Edit: just spotted your comment about open flat battlefield. That does make it harder, but wasn’t in OP’s original scenario. Even so, with some coordination, I feel we could confuse and trick cows into being sufficiently tired that mobbing them would be enough.
Cows easily.
Of the 7 people per cow about 4-5 would be between 15-64, the other 2-3 would be under 15 or over 64 (exceptionally roughly speaking).
now i'll grant that some cows may well be young themselves, some may well be ill and we may make up a bit here, but generally speaking I think we're done for unless we all hide in basements (cow's won't go down stairs).
I'm a 6'4, 30 year old bloke regularly mistaken for a rugby player... I don't go through cow fields if I can avoid it. They scare the life out of me and I wouldn't fancy my chances against one.
They're terrifying when they're playful and clumsy. Imagine what 7 angry cows would be like to deal with.
I grew up on a cattle farm and two or three of us could round up an entire herd just by clapping your hands and slapping your legs lol, was doing it since I was about 10 years old. Only time you will get problems is if you take a dog during calving season, townies fall for this time and time again and get stomped half-to-death by cows.
That's the thing, docile cows are easy to startle and will 'run' away (more wander off in my experience). Hyped up blood mist cows with their crowding and extra mass - I would be at the very least very wary.
Then you've got bulls too.
Could we use the old and young as sacrificial decoys to lure these cows into prepared pits that we could flood with water and drown them.
Or does that break op's guidelines?
Im thinking the same thing. Perhaps we could form a massive ball of the very old and the very young and use it as a bowling ball. If it doesnt narrow down the number of cows it will easily distract them for long enough for the rest of us to ambush them
Fun fact, this means there's a roughly even weight of cowflesh to manflesh.
Depends on how well the humans are able to organise, I think. With the right tactics you could probably use small groups as distractions to divide the megaherd. Like send ~ten million people out in groups to bait the megaherd into splitting up, then use the remaining 60 million to overwhelm individual cow groups of less than a million, one group at a time. Or lure the megaherd to a cliff and spook the ones at the back causing them to literally drive their own compatriots off the edge.
In the more likely scenario where we fail to organise we get slaughtered. The people at the very front of the massed human horde get immediately trampled. The people just behind them panic from seeing this and try to retreat, but the people at the back who can't see what's happening are still trying to move forward. The majority of humanities casualties come at our own hands as people are literally crushed between the panicking, retreating people at the front and the people at the back still pushing forward. The megaherd trample the survivors.
Not all those 10 million cows are strong grown adult cows. Many are calves. This varies massively depending on the time of the year.
I've seen people say "Out of our 70 million, not all are fighters" same can be said of the cow's 10 million.
But havent we bread cows to be less prone to disease and other illnesses, also to be stronger, also we probably eat them before they get very old so i think well have disproportionately more people who cant fight
I think it's partly breeding and also partly human intervention. Medication and care.
For example, around 3 million of those 10 million cattle are dairy cows. a couple of weeks without being milked and they suffer mastitis which can eventually lead to death.
Also, of those 10million cows, only 300k are bulls. Cows and Bullocks are strong, but there aren't many of the bulls you see in bull fighting.
Depends, if it was a British bulldogs type fight, on a massive field I think we could win as the people at the front would fall, and get trampled, I feel this would create a sort of domino effect with the cows quickly going down and getting trampled by their cow friends, whereas the final line of people could retreat to safety and watch the carnage from afar thereby becoming victors.
Any thing else cows win, they’re strong as fuck
Whilst the cow is charging 1 or 2 people, the rest of the group needs to kick its legs out (using their full body weight against the moveable direction of the joint), aim to break 1 or 2. Then stomp the crap out of it.
For the record, I like cows/steak. I'm just trying to come up with a valid strategy in case of the zombie cow apocalypse.
With all our babies, other children, elderly, disabled, and people too unfit to run away... I think the cows have it.
Not to mention, roughly 1 in 10 of us have an IQ under 80, so might struggle thinking up some out-manouevering for themselves or the group of children and elderly etc. they are with.
And what's the proportion who have always lived in an urban environment and never had to deal with cows? Must be a sizeable majority.
But humans in general against cows? We can just run away, dodging or climbing trees or whatever, till we think of a way to get them, e.g. get them to run into a hole.
Also remember that a significant proportion of the world population revere cows as sacred. I think they'll probably be siding with the cows. 1.2 Billion roughly, so some proportion of them will come over to avert the great UK Cowpocalypse.
Cows are basically zombies you can make into burgers.
As the zombie cow hordes relentlessly stroll towards the fearful human masses, more than a few people will be trampled underfoot.
However, I think there's enough humans who can mvgyver together flamethrowers that in the end people would triumph and we'll invite all the Australians over for the Mother of All BBQs
Edit: missed the bit about no tools allowed. In that case, the zombie cow hordes win.
If cows are anything like horses, then the humans just need to form square. You always form square against cavalry, I cant see how it would be any different with Cowvalry.
The front ranks of the square can be comprised of burly humans who can bear most of the brunt of the cowpats. Second rank can be the tall humans whose faces will be a splatter shield.
The side that finds the other side delicious always wins.
In the cow war, the cows would beat the vegans, but then us normals would destroy the cows and celebrate with a massive BBQ.
Most humans are terrible at climbing.
I bet you're terrible at climbing when the herd comes a rumbling towards you
Anyways the post specified combat, not evasion
It’s okay, they only want revenge on the meat eaters. Although thinking about, the bunch of skinny vegans we’ll be left with won’t be much use if we get in any more scrapes with other wildlife. Foxes and badgers, even otters, might all see an opportunity to get rid of us, and if the rats and mice join in we’d be overwhelmed
Lots of people talking about how our 70m are not all fighting adults.
Same can be said of the cows 10m.
2.8 million of the cattles 10 million are under 1 year old. These are significantly smaller than fully grown cattle.
7 million of the cattle are cows, female. Females are less muscular than males and not as good fighters. This is a 70% female rate. Humans are 50/50.
Of the 5.5 million adult female cattle, 2.7million are dairy cows. These need to be milked regularly or will suffer mastitis and possibly die (at the least, be severely poorly). Their own young drinking their milk isn't enough for them. Dairy cows are also less muscular than beef cows and will be less effective at fighting.
Male cattle are for beef, and most are slaughtered before they are 2 years old. Of the 2.6 million male cattle, 2.3 million are under 2, 1.3 million under 1 year old.
Male cattle are formidable beasts, but only those that are not castrated. Up to 90% of male cattle are castrated and have female levels of muscles. Meaning that not only are cows 70% female, but of the 30% of males, only 10% reach their full muscular potential.
That means 97% of cows are feminine and lack the muscles that bulls have. (Male castrated cattle are called bullocks).
For those 300,000 mating, fully grown, uncastrated bulls, we will have to use our best people, because they are immensely powerful.
Thank you for reading my musings on this. I'm sure some of my statistics and figures are wrong. I'm no farmer, just a person who hikes around farms and talks to farmers quite a bit.
I have an immense respect for cattle and their power. I would not wish to fight any cattle, young or old, female or male.
But if this scenario happened, my bet is on the humans. But it would not be without significant loss.
Stats taken from: [https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5e57c60fe90e07110f9f6c71/structure-dec18-ukseries-28feb20.pdf](https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5e57c60fe90e07110f9f6c71/structure-dec18-ukseries-28feb20.pdf)
Castration stats from personal conversations with farmers who have said around 90% of male cattle are castrated. This matches stats from the US I've been able to find online, but I haven't been able to find an online source from the UK. Only 300,000 male cattle over the age of 2 back this up though.
Bulls can be kept around for over 10 years for breeding, so whilst 20 million bullocks are bred, castrated and slaughtered for beef, those 300,000 bulls stay alive and have a lower turnover rate.
We are looking at this the wrong way, yes it may be 7 to 1 and yes we will lose the old nmd young statistically they would be some super cow killers, giants of men and super fit people. I also think the more we kill the more we will learn, that is the human advantage we can learn and adapt.
Not all cows are strong adults too. Also cows depend on us to live. If we just hide for a few months, many will starve or die of disease. Dairy cows would develop mastitis and could die from this.
We must take into account that a reasonable percentage of the 10m cows are calves or dairy cows that will die after a couple of weeks of not being milked due to mastitis.
Hmm.. My most logical thought process would be somewhat barbaric...
somehow procure bones from either side and use limbs as blunt weapons...
My brain hurts from this xD
Insta-edit: no tools, forgot :(
Assuming it’s a big battlefield and I was our General. I’d just break humans into groups and get the cows to chase them. Cows would get tired very easily. When one cow slows down, human squad circles round and jumps it. If 3/4 humans get a decent football kick on that cows head over time it’d do its thing. It’s all about endurance and chipping away at the cows. Think of it like reverse hunting when we were early humans. That being said I still think cows would fuck us up.
Really depends on what other parameters you set.
Having adapted the environment to their benefit a couple of farmers have complete control over dozens of cows IRL.
In an open field, with an angry cow that actively wants to fuck you up - 7 to 1 is laughable to the cow. We'd be lucky if one is agile & strong enough to actually do it any damage, and half or more wouldn't be able to outrun it, so in that situation. Humans get stomped & cows have a landslide victory.
Given choice of environment and time, the landslide is definitely for humans. We can use tactics and the surroundings to corale them safely, to the point where we can either deal effective damage (eye pokes? Kicks?) Or just keep them confined enough that they all die of starvation/dehydration/disease.
Having ruminated (geddit?!) on similar subjects before, I think as an adult man something like a sheep or goat is probably as big as I could chin in a fight. Predators are a different story though - I could probably hold my own against a single wolf, but a pack would totally have me.
No tools? I think people MIGHT just squeak it, 7 people can rush and tip a cow and stamp on it's head.
But cows are also absolute units, being kicked or trampled is basically a death sentence so anyone taking on a cow without a group of humans is likely done for.
It's 7 to 1 according to the stats
Average man weighs 200lbs
Average cow weighs 1600lbs
You don't need to weigh more than something to destabilize it and 7*200=1400 so pretty good odds in favour of the humans given not all of the 7 will be men or even adults.
🤷🏻♂️
>abattoirs HATE him
>click here to find out how a local man *revolutionised* the beef industry by ganging up on cows and stamping on their fucking heads "American history x" style
Can we use tools but not against the cows directly? For example could we dig a massive ditch and guide all the cows through the channel tunnel into France?
Pits... We dig pits...
As our fathers, and our fathers' fathers, and our.. [ ok, that's enough] and we stand behind the pits, and enrage them by waving packets of mince & bottles of gold top at them..
Then it's BBQ time... 😁
I was watching a vid earlier listing the stats of the deadliest creatures to Man..Shark was the least lethal,Cows were sorta mid tier,and Mosquitoes were on top..
If people milked sharks, sharks would be far deadlier to man.
The closer people work with creatures, the more deadly they are.
There has only ever been 1 recorded wild orca bite on a human, and it was almost certainly a mistake, the orca let go as soon as it realised its mistake and the person made a full recovery.
However there have been countless captive orca attacks and four fatalities.
Despite there being far fewer captive orcas than wild orcas.
People will think I'm taking the piss..
But literally cows won't see you if you're standing perfectly still like many other pray animals such as rabbits. If you can move slowly enough towards them they won't see you. Also go for the nose and neck. Hand up the nostrils and arm around the neck after a while they get tired.
Straight fight without tools and an enclosed arena human would struggle to do any damage and a pissed off cow could trample a person pretty easy.
Take it out of an arena then humans have the advantage. The old cave man trick of spooking them so they stampede over a ledge would work as would run or harass them to exhaustion (persistence hunting).
Firstly, you must exclude the number of elderly, disabled, children, women, vegans. Then identify how many are capable of going into the battle with cows, excluding people who are overweight, really skinny, lack stamina, weak.
Now for those who remain, they'll be your strongest army. The question is, will there enough man power to take out 10m cows.
The next question that needs answering, are we able to set up a fire for a well needed steak?
Do the cows know it is war? Or are they just being punched by a bunch of random, naked humans?
I think I may go for the cows, just because the number of useful humans isn’t 70million. It’s probably more like 4 (useful) humans to 1 cow. I feel a cow could take 4 humans, especially the horned ones.
We would expend the old and the young first when it gets dark and they nod off the cow tippers will do their work and the rest of the overweight sort will jump on their throats and bollocks they'll have to be quite organized
I have been beaten up by a cow. I'm a farmer. It attacked me for trying to give medication to it's calf.
I can confirm cows are tough as fuck. Cows win.
No weapons, open land: cows every time, they can just crush us like puny meat twigs.
Give humans a varied terrain to fight tactically and we would win
But actually looking at people I think the number who would know how to fight tactically and improvise weapons would be pretty low. So the masses get insta crushed by a mooing wall of cow while the more capable survive and enter into a deadly game of cat and mouse, hit and run tactics, where every move risks a giant smelly animal just *pushing* you into a rock until you squish, nothing your companions can do to stop it. Even if you kill the cow, it's full weight will still be bearing down on the poor victim.
Now we are just the few survivors, we no longer outnumber the cows. Although we think up new ways to attack them from safety, the giant mooing crowd doesn't noticibly decline in number, while we few humans slowly dwindle.
Fire! I say. Our makeshift bows twang. Although we fired 200, only a few cows stumble with arrows in some soft vulnerable spot. The rest fly far too wonky to ever hit, or strike a cow in thick fat or strong hide, shaken off quickly.
We return to hide back in the giant forest and restock, but suddenly there is a massive mooing from the darkness behind, just as the main herd start rumbling towards us.
Damn. The cows learnt how to set a trap too.
Goodbye, humanity.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I think we'd win, but casualties would be considerable in rural areas. And motorways, they get on there a lot already. And they'd probably block all of our runways. (No risk of humans betraying their own kind and working for cow-kind is there, though? That could tip the balance).
It’s very unfair to go for “no tools allowed”. Tools are one of the reasons we’re such a dangerous, prevalent bunch. It’s as much a part of our success as walking on 2 legs is. Along with our complicated society and cooperation. Generally in areas where large apex predators roam they actively avoid humans unless they feel there is no choice. We’re extremely vengeful as a species to boot, attacking humans has never worked out long run for any animal.
Cows win. I mean, you'd have to get them all in a rage/panic to the point they attack humans but if you could manage that then we'd be trampled to death pretty quickly.
Physically humans are, well, pretty shit, we re just relatively intelligent and can create/use tools to overcome our disadvantages.
78,900 cows are killed by humans every day in the UK
0.0295 humans are killed by cows every day in the UK
My bet is on the humans taking the win can't lie
I think we could. A good strategy imo would be to run around, avoiding their back legs and cracking them on the jaw. Assign 7 people to a cow, taking it in turns. Or, each person grabs a leg while the last three choke the cow out. Easy
I like the 7 to 1 advantage, unfortunately 1 cow weighs a lot more than 7 people, some cows weigh as much as 15 people, plus 90% of people are actually scared of cows, so as usual whennit comes to man against nature we're fucked.
I think depends on setting. If it was urban guerrilla warfare, humans would know the lay of the land, be more mobile, and could win through cunning. The cows would also need to maintain supply lines of fresh grass and water, which would stretch them thin. I think in an open setting, the cows would charge people down and the losses would be catastrophic. They’d also have instant access to restorative grass. In short, if we can get them to fight on our terms, we’d have a chance.
You need to remove the Hindus from this and question their loyalty before we make any assumptions.
All the love in the world for those guys but this is a serious question.
People.
Cow legs.
Of your 7 people, the ones that aren’t old or babies, kick out the cows legs, basically break all the cows legs, make sure it can’t reach food/water and move onto the next cow.
If the cows know its a fight and we have no tools/prep time, cows.
If they are just in a big field then we can organise better to fight them in smaller groups.
Do rocks or pointy sticks count as tools?
Instead of fightning them, educate them, let them join the UK workforce and the consumerism waves, make them pay for their free accomodations, taxes and in 10 years you will see the little calfs hesistating if it was worth losing the advatanges of the dairy for the freedom of working 40h for 30 years to pay for 1 place to sleep and watch telly called home
I had to detour through a cow field once and one of them took a dislike to me and actually followed me with a definite dirty look and an air of "try me". I would not have survived and don't think I would have outrun it.
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Cows can go upstairs but not down stairs ..not sure how this info would be helpful
Fill the wetherspoons toilets with cows?
Depeding of the day/time of the week/day, that's already happening
My god, we're already at war with them.
Can’t imagine a cow on coke, just imagine the amount they’d get in Wetherspoon toilets.
I was once taking a poo in my local spoons and thought to myself "since when did they have a white speckled floor in here? Surely I'd have noticed that walking in". I shuffled my foot. It was actually just little spots of coke all over the floor
Why are you doing poo in the coke stalls?!
👑
My local has them downstairs. The mens is such a long bloody walk
Ah that's easy then, send all the humans to the downstairs wetherspoons toilets and install a step before entering. Endless water, heating from the handdryers, working plumbing. The people can rebuild society from the safety of the wetherspoons toilets and breed an army. The worrying part is if the cows are thinking the same in the upstairs wetherspoons toilets because there's a lot more of those ones than the downstairs ones. It'll be a long and sluggish war, lasting lifetimes with battles spanning across Wetherspoons foyers, but man will prevail, we will triumph. And then the war of the pigs will begin, and the pigs will reign.
So just turn Britain into an Escher painting and we'll just win by default?
Making Britain have non-euclidian geometry is a sure fire way to have cows consistently climbing stairs. Absolutely the worst outcome.
There would be slippy pats everywhere. Health and safety nightmare!
\*Jerusalem starts playing in the distance somewhere\*
It's over Daisy, I have the low ground.
You udderestimate my power!
I’ve hatched a cunning plan involving airport boarding stairs…
They can go down stairs, they just can't stop themselves from falling down them. So bad news if a cow tried to chase you down stairs, neither of you are coming out if well
WHAT!?! Jesus I could have done with knowing that sooner. The wife will be home in half an hour, how am I supposed to explain this?
We put the cows in the penthouses and the wealthy people in the fields.
You need Bovine Descenders, not sure if there still about
Assuming no tools or implements, open flat battlefield, and that the cows are bloodlusted / going for the kill each time: The cows win. I can't see our punches or kicks doing much damage to an almost 1 tonne beast. And good luck getting a choke hold, rofl. I think we could put up a good fight by going for throat punches/kicks, breaking legs, then stomping them out. But I think we will need 10 people per cow to win.
I don't think you'd need 10 if they were all adult males and pre-retirement age with only minor health issues. But if you took 10 people from the population at random I'm doubtful, some of them are going to be next to useless if they're 85 or 7.
I see what you mean. I meant more on average. But I honestly can't see me and 6 mates killing a cow unarmed, whilst it is actively trying to murk us. (If its a normal / non bloodlusted cow, then yea, we got it.)
You'd have to go for the weaker spots as you say. Leg joints and where the ribs aren't protecting the internals. I doubt punching it in the head is going to achieve much unless you get a heavyweight boxer in your 10 apart from breaking your knuckles. But trying to do so while the cow is pissed off is going to cause casualties inevitably.
Most of the people I know supposedly in their primes would be fucking useless too.
I think people win due to our vastly superior intelligence. Once a few people are dead, we can build barriers with their corpses. A section of the humans can push back and defend as best as possible while weaker, smaller humans dig up rocks and stones to use as weapons. Losses would be huge, but I think humans come out on top. There's also the very real likelihood that the cows panic and turn on each other. I guess humans might do this too actually... Of course the real answer is that this battle is currently happening all around us and humans are winning it so comfortably that cows very rarely even get on the scoreboard.
Stones aren't hand to hoof combat though, and making barriers out of corpses isn't winning
>and making barriers out of corpses isn't winning Now this is true wisdom.
I don't think people are going to stick to the rules tbh
Is using the teeth from the corpses as projectiles cheating?
How organised can we be? Get all the use Children and elderly to go distract a good bunch of cows whilst the strong adults work closely together to destroy cow after cow systematically. Also, no need to fight in an open field. Use chokepoints to our advantage.
I'd probably pick up a toddler and use them as a flail tbh.
I've seen a female cow climb, then try hump another, then deck it head first on concrete and get up like it never happened. Some farms need tractors to drag sick cows to separate barns, the torque a tractor can produce, and theyre still whole at the end of it. I think a raging cow could even kill 20 farmers if it felt like it. Theyre solid and dont react to pain or much fear like humans do. Those street runs in Spain tell a lot about whos winning the human cow war I think. Its a good thing they're so docile and unemotional really.
Then take into account that some cows are going to be young as well
I thought you were talking about the cows for a moment and I was like wait cows retire?
What a ridiculous take... Obviously we use the 85 or 7 year olds as bait so we can out flank the cows... psshhh this guy
Let them think they won. Wait for them to sleep. Push em over ezpz
You're assuming that it's an even person to cow average. We have the upper hand because some of us can think strategically whereas the cows are cows, or bloodthirsty cows. We just need to create a situation where we don't have to handle every cow at once. Even if you deal with them 10% at a time, that leaves room for 20 adults under 40 per cow (assuming about 20 million). Just have to hope your numbers don't dwindle too fast.
I think our best chance is strategic use of our strongest and bravest fighters to push the cows onto their sides.
> Assuming no tools or implements, open flat battlefield So like, in the middle of a field?.. where cows live? Pretty biased battlefield choice if you ask me.
lol
Assuming we start evenly with no weapons, one advantage we do have is our brains and ability to make weapons. A battle of this sort isn’t going to take a few hours, you’re probably looking at a conflict dragging out several weeks or months. The cows initially start stronger, however once we start to take some down we can fashion basic weapons out of their bones and horns. Slowly this starts to turn the tide. We may even be able to make some basic fortifications out of interlocking bones covered over with leather, and dig trenches and pits.
Herd them into a field with no grass. Watch them all starve.
'Bulldogging' is a rodeo event where you jump from a horse and wrestle a steer to the ground. There's a whole technique to it. I guess it would be possible to do this without a horse.
What about the old *what’s that!* 👉 then a poke in the eye?
But can’t we organise? No tools massively reduces our advantages, but we can still communicate - I feel that could be worth something. I’m assuming the cows are out for blood otherwise there’s no competition- but I’m also assuming they’re not given any human characteristic that would make them more than just “an angry cow”. So, for example, we could use the battlefield’s geography to our advantage, trick cows off cliffs and herd them into narrow ravines. We could drown them or starve them out of existence. Plus we don’t have to fight 7 on 1, we can fight 35 on one 5 times over. Edit: just spotted your comment about open flat battlefield. That does make it harder, but wasn’t in OP’s original scenario. Even so, with some coordination, I feel we could confuse and trick cows into being sufficiently tired that mobbing them would be enough.
The twisted brain wrong of a one-off man mental could undermine a cow's confidence.
I've come back and read this comment at least three times now and still I have no idea what it says.
I have as well and I’ve realised the worst part is, you always feel like you almost understand it, but you just can’t quite get it.
Thank fuck. I was worried this was going to be one of those times where I was just being thick.
Don’t feel too comfortable we could both be morons, I have a sneaking suspicion that I am.
I hate to be an explainer when it is funny how the confusion is spreading, but I believe it to be a Brass-Eye Chris Morris-ism.
He's undermining your confidence! Cow spotted!
This is how the cows win. They recruit some thralls to type nonsense, and then creep up on you while you're trying to figure out what it says.
Here you go - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpoCvIG66JE
I feel like I've had a stroke reading this.
It could leave them quadra-spazzed on a life glug.
Last June out of nowhere anti-cow slogans started appearing on the shed.
Cows easily. Of the 7 people per cow about 4-5 would be between 15-64, the other 2-3 would be under 15 or over 64 (exceptionally roughly speaking). now i'll grant that some cows may well be young themselves, some may well be ill and we may make up a bit here, but generally speaking I think we're done for unless we all hide in basements (cow's won't go down stairs).
Are you implying they can climb upstairs? Ahhz the horror.
I'm a 6'4, 30 year old bloke regularly mistaken for a rugby player... I don't go through cow fields if I can avoid it. They scare the life out of me and I wouldn't fancy my chances against one. They're terrifying when they're playful and clumsy. Imagine what 7 angry cows would be like to deal with.
I grew up on a cattle farm and two or three of us could round up an entire herd just by clapping your hands and slapping your legs lol, was doing it since I was about 10 years old. Only time you will get problems is if you take a dog during calving season, townies fall for this time and time again and get stomped half-to-death by cows.
That's the thing, docile cows are easy to startle and will 'run' away (more wander off in my experience). Hyped up blood mist cows with their crowding and extra mass - I would be at the very least very wary. Then you've got bulls too.
Could we use the old and young as sacrificial decoys to lure these cows into prepared pits that we could flood with water and drown them. Or does that break op's guidelines?
Im thinking the same thing. Perhaps we could form a massive ball of the very old and the very young and use it as a bowling ball. If it doesnt narrow down the number of cows it will easily distract them for long enough for the rest of us to ambush them
Fun fact, this means there's a roughly even weight of cowflesh to manflesh. Depends on how well the humans are able to organise, I think. With the right tactics you could probably use small groups as distractions to divide the megaherd. Like send ~ten million people out in groups to bait the megaherd into splitting up, then use the remaining 60 million to overwhelm individual cow groups of less than a million, one group at a time. Or lure the megaherd to a cliff and spook the ones at the back causing them to literally drive their own compatriots off the edge. In the more likely scenario where we fail to organise we get slaughtered. The people at the very front of the massed human horde get immediately trampled. The people just behind them panic from seeing this and try to retreat, but the people at the back who can't see what's happening are still trying to move forward. The majority of humanities casualties come at our own hands as people are literally crushed between the panicking, retreating people at the front and the people at the back still pushing forward. The megaherd trample the survivors.
Have you seen a cow? There is no way a person is beating one. They're like 500kg of fuck you up
Not all those 10 million cows are strong grown adult cows. Many are calves. This varies massively depending on the time of the year. I've seen people say "Out of our 70 million, not all are fighters" same can be said of the cow's 10 million.
Yeah, there will be calves, but calves also mean protective parents 😅
You're not wrong about that. I'd rather walk through a field with a bull (and breeding cows) than a field with mother cows and their calves.
But havent we bread cows to be less prone to disease and other illnesses, also to be stronger, also we probably eat them before they get very old so i think well have disproportionately more people who cant fight
I think it's partly breeding and also partly human intervention. Medication and care. For example, around 3 million of those 10 million cattle are dairy cows. a couple of weeks without being milked and they suffer mastitis which can eventually lead to death. Also, of those 10million cows, only 300k are bulls. Cows and Bullocks are strong, but there aren't many of the bulls you see in bull fighting.
A fair few people have had their arms up a cows anus so we may need to employ them in some capacity.
They’re on the ropes lads, deploy the veterinarians and herdsmen!
Depends, if it was a British bulldogs type fight, on a massive field I think we could win as the people at the front would fall, and get trampled, I feel this would create a sort of domino effect with the cows quickly going down and getting trampled by their cow friends, whereas the final line of people could retreat to safety and watch the carnage from afar thereby becoming victors. Any thing else cows win, they’re strong as fuck
I'm trying to work out what a group of people could actually *do* to a cow. Like how could you actually best one?
Whilst the cow is charging 1 or 2 people, the rest of the group needs to kick its legs out (using their full body weight against the moveable direction of the joint), aim to break 1 or 2. Then stomp the crap out of it. For the record, I like cows/steak. I'm just trying to come up with a valid strategy in case of the zombie cow apocalypse.
Perhaps we could outwit them by antagonising them and then leading them off cliffs, like we used to do to mammoths. Or perhaps a big hole?
Literally just cattle grids. They're there to trap cattle.
You are hereby promoted to the rank of General in the cow war
I would like a rank high enough to keep me away from the front lines but not so high that I am executed by the cattle if we should lose the war.
With all our babies, other children, elderly, disabled, and people too unfit to run away... I think the cows have it. Not to mention, roughly 1 in 10 of us have an IQ under 80, so might struggle thinking up some out-manouevering for themselves or the group of children and elderly etc. they are with. And what's the proportion who have always lived in an urban environment and never had to deal with cows? Must be a sizeable majority. But humans in general against cows? We can just run away, dodging or climbing trees or whatever, till we think of a way to get them, e.g. get them to run into a hole.
Also remember that a significant proportion of the world population revere cows as sacred. I think they'll probably be siding with the cows. 1.2 Billion roughly, so some proportion of them will come over to avert the great UK Cowpocalypse.
r/TheBullWins
Cows are basically zombies you can make into burgers. As the zombie cow hordes relentlessly stroll towards the fearful human masses, more than a few people will be trampled underfoot. However, I think there's enough humans who can mvgyver together flamethrowers that in the end people would triumph and we'll invite all the Australians over for the Mother of All BBQs Edit: missed the bit about no tools allowed. In that case, the zombie cow hordes win.
No problem. Petrol, poison gas, fire, napalm aren't tools. Burger night!
Depends when we do it; I can help out on Tuesdays.
If cows are anything like horses, then the humans just need to form square. You always form square against cavalry, I cant see how it would be any different with Cowvalry.
What if they have artillery support?
No tools allowed. My square strategy is to let the cows tire themselves out and fall asleep. In their slumber, we break formation and kerb stomp them.
Projectile cowpats could still be a problem. They can get quite a lot of velocity with the right diet.
The front ranks of the square can be comprised of burly humans who can bear most of the brunt of the cowpats. Second rank can be the tall humans whose faces will be a splatter shield.
The side that finds the other side delicious always wins. In the cow war, the cows would beat the vegans, but then us normals would destroy the cows and celebrate with a massive BBQ.
I don't see 7 people taking down an angry cow
Humans can climb. Cows can't. It's over, Bessie, I have the high ground!
Most humans are terrible at climbing. I bet you're terrible at climbing when the herd comes a rumbling towards you Anyways the post specified combat, not evasion
Are the cows motivated?
FYI - A lot of those 70 million people are too young or too old to be useful in unarmed combat against cows
Just yeet the elderly at em to slow the cows down
It’s okay, they only want revenge on the meat eaters. Although thinking about, the bunch of skinny vegans we’ll be left with won’t be much use if we get in any more scrapes with other wildlife. Foxes and badgers, even otters, might all see an opportunity to get rid of us, and if the rats and mice join in we’d be overwhelmed
Humans would win by default, we could just wait it out and win via life expectancy.
Lots of people talking about how our 70m are not all fighting adults. Same can be said of the cows 10m. 2.8 million of the cattles 10 million are under 1 year old. These are significantly smaller than fully grown cattle. 7 million of the cattle are cows, female. Females are less muscular than males and not as good fighters. This is a 70% female rate. Humans are 50/50. Of the 5.5 million adult female cattle, 2.7million are dairy cows. These need to be milked regularly or will suffer mastitis and possibly die (at the least, be severely poorly). Their own young drinking their milk isn't enough for them. Dairy cows are also less muscular than beef cows and will be less effective at fighting. Male cattle are for beef, and most are slaughtered before they are 2 years old. Of the 2.6 million male cattle, 2.3 million are under 2, 1.3 million under 1 year old. Male cattle are formidable beasts, but only those that are not castrated. Up to 90% of male cattle are castrated and have female levels of muscles. Meaning that not only are cows 70% female, but of the 30% of males, only 10% reach their full muscular potential. That means 97% of cows are feminine and lack the muscles that bulls have. (Male castrated cattle are called bullocks). For those 300,000 mating, fully grown, uncastrated bulls, we will have to use our best people, because they are immensely powerful. Thank you for reading my musings on this. I'm sure some of my statistics and figures are wrong. I'm no farmer, just a person who hikes around farms and talks to farmers quite a bit. I have an immense respect for cattle and their power. I would not wish to fight any cattle, young or old, female or male. But if this scenario happened, my bet is on the humans. But it would not be without significant loss. Stats taken from: [https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5e57c60fe90e07110f9f6c71/structure-dec18-ukseries-28feb20.pdf](https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5e57c60fe90e07110f9f6c71/structure-dec18-ukseries-28feb20.pdf) Castration stats from personal conversations with farmers who have said around 90% of male cattle are castrated. This matches stats from the US I've been able to find online, but I haven't been able to find an online source from the UK. Only 300,000 male cattle over the age of 2 back this up though. Bulls can be kept around for over 10 years for breeding, so whilst 20 million bullocks are bred, castrated and slaughtered for beef, those 300,000 bulls stay alive and have a lower turnover rate.
Me!!! 🕺 I got an accordion and some grass 🕺
I recon single handedly, I could slaughter about 236 cows a day. You do the math.
Gonna be full on animal farm
We are looking at this the wrong way, yes it may be 7 to 1 and yes we will lose the old nmd young statistically they would be some super cow killers, giants of men and super fit people. I also think the more we kill the more we will learn, that is the human advantage we can learn and adapt.
Not all cows are strong adults too. Also cows depend on us to live. If we just hide for a few months, many will starve or die of disease. Dairy cows would develop mastitis and could die from this.
We must take into account that a reasonable percentage of the 70m people are children and the elderly who would be immediately trampled
We must take into account that a reasonable percentage of the 10m cows are calves or dairy cows that will die after a couple of weeks of not being milked due to mastitis.
We need strategic minds like yours in the war room! For Democracy!
I'll happily volunteer for the war room over the front lines.
Technically the cows should win, however cows are weird and would likely end up killing themselves more than we would. Cows are strange animals.
Hmm.. My most logical thought process would be somewhat barbaric... somehow procure bones from either side and use limbs as blunt weapons... My brain hurts from this xD Insta-edit: no tools, forgot :(
Just our hands? Cows would win, we're smarter and could out maneuver them, but if we're locked in an octagon with them we're steak.
Does the cow know its at war or is it just chilling chewing on some grass?
Assuming it’s a big battlefield and I was our General. I’d just break humans into groups and get the cows to chase them. Cows would get tired very easily. When one cow slows down, human squad circles round and jumps it. If 3/4 humans get a decent football kick on that cows head over time it’d do its thing. It’s all about endurance and chipping away at the cows. Think of it like reverse hunting when we were early humans. That being said I still think cows would fuck us up.
Really depends on what other parameters you set. Having adapted the environment to their benefit a couple of farmers have complete control over dozens of cows IRL. In an open field, with an angry cow that actively wants to fuck you up - 7 to 1 is laughable to the cow. We'd be lucky if one is agile & strong enough to actually do it any damage, and half or more wouldn't be able to outrun it, so in that situation. Humans get stomped & cows have a landslide victory. Given choice of environment and time, the landslide is definitely for humans. We can use tactics and the surroundings to corale them safely, to the point where we can either deal effective damage (eye pokes? Kicks?) Or just keep them confined enough that they all die of starvation/dehydration/disease. Having ruminated (geddit?!) on similar subjects before, I think as an adult man something like a sheep or goat is probably as big as I could chin in a fight. Predators are a different story though - I could probably hold my own against a single wolf, but a pack would totally have me.
[Obligatory Simpsons](https://youtu.be/UhoHwQ0cwIQ?si=bDInfc6Phn4DDi6H)
Scratch them behind the ears and they would fold like a deckchair. Game, Set, Match.
Herd cows into area with no food source. Watch them starve. Big BBQ to celebrate.
If a human own an XL bully, are they allowed to bring it?
The Bully would maul some little kid before it got to the cows
We outnumber them and have better weapons, but remember that the cows are outstanding in their field.
Cows can't use machine guns...
No tools allowed.
Moochine guns…
The Uzi 9 moolimetre
Haha I read that in the terminators voice
Do they fire from the udders like some kind of milk fed ~~Gatling~~ Cattle-ing gun?
No tools? I think people MIGHT just squeak it, 7 people can rush and tip a cow and stamp on it's head. But cows are also absolute units, being kicked or trampled is basically a death sentence so anyone taking on a cow without a group of humans is likely done for.
>7 people can rush and tip a cow and stamp on it's head How tf do you know it takes exactly 7...?
It's 7 to 1 according to the stats Average man weighs 200lbs Average cow weighs 1600lbs You don't need to weigh more than something to destabilize it and 7*200=1400 so pretty good odds in favour of the humans given not all of the 7 will be men or even adults. 🤷🏻♂️
>abattoirs HATE him >click here to find out how a local man *revolutionised* the beef industry by ganging up on cows and stamping on their fucking heads "American history x" style
If it's kill or be killed, id expect humans to get their head stamp on.
Can we use tools but not against the cows directly? For example could we dig a massive ditch and guide all the cows through the channel tunnel into France?
I had a friend that thought it'd be a great idea to punch a cow in the head. The cow hardly registered it, he broke his hand. I do not like the odds.
Pits... We dig pits... As our fathers, and our fathers' fathers, and our.. [ ok, that's enough] and we stand behind the pits, and enrage them by waving packets of mince & bottles of gold top at them.. Then it's BBQ time... 😁
Cows win by a country mile, city boy. Cows are not to be fucked with people don't understand their sheer size and power.
Without at least a knife most humans probably can't kill a cow at all - what would you have to do? Punch it to death?
I was watching a vid earlier listing the stats of the deadliest creatures to Man..Shark was the least lethal,Cows were sorta mid tier,and Mosquitoes were on top..
If people milked sharks, sharks would be far deadlier to man. The closer people work with creatures, the more deadly they are. There has only ever been 1 recorded wild orca bite on a human, and it was almost certainly a mistake, the orca let go as soon as it realised its mistake and the person made a full recovery. However there have been countless captive orca attacks and four fatalities. Despite there being far fewer captive orcas than wild orcas.
Surely taming some and riding it too battle others would be the answer
What happens when they listen to the [Guru](https://youtu.be/FQMbXvn2RNI?si=QWXfbp6mVUr0bYif)....?
People will think I'm taking the piss.. But literally cows won't see you if you're standing perfectly still like many other pray animals such as rabbits. If you can move slowly enough towards them they won't see you. Also go for the nose and neck. Hand up the nostrils and arm around the neck after a while they get tired.
No tools - OK. But can we use mustard and horseradish?
If no weapons allowed then cows would easily win.
Straight fight without tools and an enclosed arena human would struggle to do any damage and a pissed off cow could trample a person pretty easy. Take it out of an arena then humans have the advantage. The old cave man trick of spooking them so they stampede over a ledge would work as would run or harass them to exhaustion (persistence hunting).
Judging by this. We're doomed: https://killercows.co.uk/facts-stats/when-cows-attack/
Firstly, you must exclude the number of elderly, disabled, children, women, vegans. Then identify how many are capable of going into the battle with cows, excluding people who are overweight, really skinny, lack stamina, weak. Now for those who remain, they'll be your strongest army. The question is, will there enough man power to take out 10m cows. The next question that needs answering, are we able to set up a fire for a well needed steak?
Do the cows have Kalashnikovs and AR-15s ??
Do the cows know it is war? Or are they just being punched by a bunch of random, naked humans? I think I may go for the cows, just because the number of useful humans isn’t 70million. It’s probably more like 4 (useful) humans to 1 cow. I feel a cow could take 4 humans, especially the horned ones.
So, me, my wife, my 2 kids and my 75+ year old parents plus one other person will be the average group of 7:1 how would that work out?
It's an udder certainty.
7 to one advantage, but something like 2-3 of those 7 are children or elderly. My money's on the cows, unfortunately.
[Steer wrestling.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steer_wrestling) Usually it's done from horseback. You'd have to adapt the technique somehow.
Not us, assuming the cows knew what was going on they would form large herds and trample us all to death.
1 law can take down 10 million cows. Though I am against it.
We would expend the old and the young first when it gets dark and they nod off the cow tippers will do their work and the rest of the overweight sort will jump on their throats and bollocks they'll have to be quite organized
I mean, we're already on a one sided war with them, and they don't seem to have responded so far...
I have been beaten up by a cow. I'm a farmer. It attacked me for trying to give medication to it's calf. I can confirm cows are tough as fuck. Cows win.
Udder devastation
No weapons, open land: cows every time, they can just crush us like puny meat twigs. Give humans a varied terrain to fight tactically and we would win But actually looking at people I think the number who would know how to fight tactically and improvise weapons would be pretty low. So the masses get insta crushed by a mooing wall of cow while the more capable survive and enter into a deadly game of cat and mouse, hit and run tactics, where every move risks a giant smelly animal just *pushing* you into a rock until you squish, nothing your companions can do to stop it. Even if you kill the cow, it's full weight will still be bearing down on the poor victim. Now we are just the few survivors, we no longer outnumber the cows. Although we think up new ways to attack them from safety, the giant mooing crowd doesn't noticibly decline in number, while we few humans slowly dwindle. Fire! I say. Our makeshift bows twang. Although we fired 200, only a few cows stumble with arrows in some soft vulnerable spot. The rest fly far too wonky to ever hit, or strike a cow in thick fat or strong hide, shaken off quickly. We return to hide back in the giant forest and restock, but suddenly there is a massive mooing from the darkness behind, just as the main herd start rumbling towards us. Damn. The cows learnt how to set a trap too. Goodbye, humanity. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I think we'd win, but casualties would be considerable in rural areas. And motorways, they get on there a lot already. And they'd probably block all of our runways. (No risk of humans betraying their own kind and working for cow-kind is there, though? That could tip the balance).
OP what are you planning
The UK is a diverse place. With the Scots' headbutting abilities and the Welsh probably trying to fuck them, the cows have no chance.
So how can we bring back BSE?
100% the cows
It’s very unfair to go for “no tools allowed”. Tools are one of the reasons we’re such a dangerous, prevalent bunch. It’s as much a part of our success as walking on 2 legs is. Along with our complicated society and cooperation. Generally in areas where large apex predators roam they actively avoid humans unless they feel there is no choice. We’re extremely vengeful as a species to boot, attacking humans has never worked out long run for any animal.
With no prep time, no ability to choose where we fight and with cows that actively want to kill us? Yeah we don't stand a chance.
No tools? Fuck that, we developed opposable thumbs for a reason.
No tools! What are you on about, tools are our speciality. - Me, 2024.
How strong are the leg and joint muscles on cows legs? Would it be feasible for a few people to pull their legs laterally, breaking the joints?
Cows win. I mean, you'd have to get them all in a rage/panic to the point they attack humans but if you could manage that then we'd be trampled to death pretty quickly. Physically humans are, well, pretty shit, we re just relatively intelligent and can create/use tools to overcome our disadvantages.
78,900 cows are killed by humans every day in the UK 0.0295 humans are killed by cows every day in the UK My bet is on the humans taking the win can't lie
This is something I learned while living in the country, and having a missus who was active in 4H. Do not fuck with cows.
I've pushed many a cows over. We will be fine.
I think we could. A good strategy imo would be to run around, avoiding their back legs and cracking them on the jaw. Assign 7 people to a cow, taking it in turns. Or, each person grabs a leg while the last three choke the cow out. Easy
Can we use trident?
I like the 7 to 1 advantage, unfortunately 1 cow weighs a lot more than 7 people, some cows weigh as much as 15 people, plus 90% of people are actually scared of cows, so as usual whennit comes to man against nature we're fucked.
I think depends on setting. If it was urban guerrilla warfare, humans would know the lay of the land, be more mobile, and could win through cunning. The cows would also need to maintain supply lines of fresh grass and water, which would stretch them thin. I think in an open setting, the cows would charge people down and the losses would be catastrophic. They’d also have instant access to restorative grass. In short, if we can get them to fight on our terms, we’d have a chance.
YouTube
You need to remove the Hindus from this and question their loyalty before we make any assumptions. All the love in the world for those guys but this is a serious question.
People. Cow legs. Of your 7 people, the ones that aren’t old or babies, kick out the cows legs, basically break all the cows legs, make sure it can’t reach food/water and move onto the next cow.
If the cows are anything like the one in the 2000's movie 'Kung Pow! Enter the Fist' we'd be fucked and covered in milk
If the cows know its a fight and we have no tools/prep time, cows. If they are just in a big field then we can organise better to fight them in smaller groups. Do rocks or pointy sticks count as tools?
Instead of fightning them, educate them, let them join the UK workforce and the consumerism waves, make them pay for their free accomodations, taxes and in 10 years you will see the little calfs hesistating if it was worth losing the advatanges of the dairy for the freedom of working 40h for 30 years to pay for 1 place to sleep and watch telly called home
I had to detour through a cow field once and one of them took a dislike to me and actually followed me with a definite dirty look and an air of "try me". I would not have survived and don't think I would have outrun it.