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Was at a service station in a remote part of the Highlands in Feb with my husband & we simultaneously popped to the loo. Just ahead of us an elderly wee couple were doing the same
Was just her & I in there. Had just pulled down my jeans & I heard a massive fart
Ever tried to pee while holding in laughter?!
I had tears man....had to wait til she left before I could come out & wash my hands
Got outside to see them heading in a different direction to us & walked to my husband giggling uncontrollably
Told him what happened & he went "Seriously??? So did the guy!!!"
The thought of these two wee auld dears holding onto respective farts for undoubtedly 40+ years of marriage had us absolutely howling man. Had to compose ourselves for a good 10mins before we got coffee
Old people are just like toddlers. My little girl does the same, makes me laugh the most when she’s picking up something heavy and squeezes a fart out 😂
Feel like they were doing a sterling job of holding when in the car together haha
But how old is old? Am 41, must be headed that way
Farts are a gift we've all been given - bring it on!
Don’t get me started on old peoples farts, they don’t know they do it, I used to be a carer and our client would insist we all a walk behind her as she went up the stairs!
She would let rip every step without noticing, and she was very slow just go add to it.
We were being tortured, whilst she was none the wiser, leisurely chatting about the weather and todays events, we’d be dying breathing in gallons of her gas, still to this day have no idea how that amount should be able to accumulate inside a tiny 90 year old 🥺🙈
Bend over to their buttocks, inhale, give a review in the genre of a wine enthusiast focussing on the hint of lemons and summer breeze wafting through a field of pregnant coconuts smeared with snail juice.
Personally I wouldn’t have done it right next to or close to someone. Id have waited the 30 seconds for him or me to finish and move away. I wouldn’t want a stranger to fart next to me and I wouldn’t dream of doing it either.
Seems stupid but in a stall it would be different. You’re still only a couple feet away from the next person. But the wall is there as a divide and it feels politer almost.
I’m not saying you’re wrong. This is one of those things where everyone is going to have different opinions. Some will find it rude. Some will think it’s perfectly acceptable.
>Seem stupid but in a stall it would be different. You’re still only a couple feet away from the next person. But the wall is there as a divide and it feels politer almost.
Some people are capable of pooping without passing wind?
My wind usually comes out prior. In fact, often they're the vanguard to alert me the army is not far behind. If I've screwed up the country so badly my trumpeters are mixed with regular infantry, it will be a messy battle indeed.
When I was in primary school a lad did that and one of the other kids "told" on him to a teacher. The teacher just said "well, that (the toilet) is the place to do it" and just walked off.
Plus as an older bloke you'd think he'd be more than aware that as you get older, releasing the front sphincter often releases the back one too.
In public toilets, one of the things that always perplexes me as I get older is, why do some men of a particular age group gasp so loudly with a strange mix of pleasure and pain when they urinate?
I'm terrified this is going to happen to me.
I mean, I _kind_ of agree. An Englishman only sits on his own throne.
That said I travel a lot for work, music industry. 10% of the reason I work in the industry is because I love dance music. 40% us because I can't dance and want to enjoy clubs/festivals in a way I can just stand there looking serious because I'm supposed to (or in many cases, have a nice sit down) yet still enjoy it, and the remaining 40% is having access to a nice toilet.
One time I farted in my own bathroom, I'll grant you it was a vocal beast.
At the very same time the neighbour had some guests arriving.
The words "dirty bastard!" floated in through the window.
If I can't fart in my own bathroom without ridicule then all hope is lost.
Pissfarts can be a extremely relaxing moment in an otherwise very busy day. The etiquette is that the flatulation ends with a short, sharp stop - and is not framed as a question.
When I was in a public toilet in a train station in Oslo, there was a guy in the cubicle taking a dump. He must have thought no one else was inZ
Let a massive rip, then plop. Then he shouts, “motherfucker”.
I had to get out before he did. The mate and myself stood outside the toilet to see who came out.
It is literally the one & only, specifically designated room made for you to pee/poo/fart/sick in. What an absolute weirdo for tutting at that.
That's like tutting if you heard someone's pee/poo hit the water of the toilet bowl as it's being used!
I would go as far as to say the tutter was the plonker/rude one here. Who actually is acting all high & mighty over someone for using a restroom as it is intended to be used for crying out loud? Sad, sad people.
The etiquette depends on the fart. A long deep ship horn type fart requires you to say "Hard to starboard captain". A short toot or two requires an "I'll name that tune in one" and a raspy wet fart requires a quick exit to the cubicle.
shout "TIMBUUUURRRRRR" and fart whilst you do it. keep the UUURRRRRRR going as long as the fart does. you can shake your leg a bit to get some charismatic rhythm into it. if you receive a round of applause, remain humble.
I think the Buddah said: "If you don't find farts funny then you're a loser because you're choosing to have less joy in your life, but the exact same amount of farts"
No etiquette whatsoever other than don’t look down. You’re in the bog, someone three feet the other direction is dropping last night’s tea down the shitter. Fart as loud as you like.
Proper etiquette is to then drop your pants and trousers right down to your shoes, look him straight in the eyes, bend forward slightly, and slap yourself on the bottom in a cheeky way. And then blow him a kiss.
I was in the toilets at work in New York when travelling and the only guy at the urinal almost certainly hadn’t heard me come in because he let rip a huge fart.
I was absolutely gutting myself laughing silently.
I once did this at a work function. The person at the urinal next to me looked at me and said “really?”. I apologised with a quick Clarkson-style “sorry” and someone erupted laughing from one of the cubicles.
The manic giggling from some random bloke taking a dump, because I farted, was funnier than the fart itself.
Probably one of the best times I’ve ever had in a toilet, with a bunch of other dudes to be honest. (Yes, I’m aware of what I just typed out 😅)
It's a fucking toilet. Youre spraying piss into a pot and others are slopping their guts into the bowl.
What did that old codger think was supposed to happen.
If someone tutted me for farting I'd ask if he expected roses instead.
We just got off the ferry in Caen. Found a bistro for petit dejeneur.
One of the guys steps into the Gents to make a quick delivery. The sound of an enormous tearing rang out almost as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
Every single person in that place was looking around to find the source when great tales of laughter from our crew swept away the faux indignation of the locals.
When he exited the toilet we gave him a standing ovation. The locals only gave a disgusted look, then a shrug as they move out of the cafe because the smell which exited the toilet with him was worthy of an Oscar.
After a minute we all left as well. It was unbearable.
Reminds me of a recent encounter in an McDonald toilet. So we were going back to home after a few drinks after work on a Friday night and I wanted to release myself. As I found a local McDonald on the way home, I thought why not. As I entered the toilet I found a dude shagging off in the public urinal beside me. Unperturbed I went about my business and low behold passed a heavy wind while doing so (maybe too much of those chips 😂) . That dude interrupted his business mid way and went out as fast as he could ! I think I did a public service that day 😂
Etiquette while farting loudly in a service station in the middle of nowhere when you'll never see anyone there again in your entire life?
Good god man! Just don't shit yourself!
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The etiquette should be that every person in the toilets laughs hysterically
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Or at least a half hearted "Whhheyyyyyy!!"
It's got to be a casual "new shoes"
"Better out than in"
You say this yourself after you fart and it provides immunity.
Was that a fart or did you just shit yourself?
"Better an empty house than an angry lodger"
Who stepped on a frog?
Sew a button on that
Get out and walk, you bastard!
If it wasn't for the fact that I know my dad is unable to work Reddit I'd think you were him. Only other person I know who says this.
Nah, he's not!
Hello Mr Brown speaking, you’re through
Better an empty house than a bad tenant.
“That duck has bad breath!”
"Didn't know you played the trumpet!"
"More tea, vicar?"
Or "now try the lights" or "don't tear it I'll take the whole piece" or "keep shouting Mr brown, we'll find you" or " and back to the studio"
"A bit more throttle and she'd have started"
I'll name that tune in one ( brown eyed girl)
If it's high pitched "virgin fart" if it's low pitched " prisoner fart"
I'm crying in the office at these lol
3.25am struggling to sleep laughing like a dickhead next to a sleeping Mrs hoping she doesn’t wake up and think I’ve gone mad.
‘Confident appeal from the Australians there’
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John”
“NURSE”!!!
Derek and Clive 👍
My brother always used to say that. Just looked up YouTube. Glad I did and now I know where he got it from 👍
‘ave a banana
Or something like “beautifully controlled”…
Was at a service station in a remote part of the Highlands in Feb with my husband & we simultaneously popped to the loo. Just ahead of us an elderly wee couple were doing the same Was just her & I in there. Had just pulled down my jeans & I heard a massive fart Ever tried to pee while holding in laughter?! I had tears man....had to wait til she left before I could come out & wash my hands Got outside to see them heading in a different direction to us & walked to my husband giggling uncontrollably Told him what happened & he went "Seriously??? So did the guy!!!" The thought of these two wee auld dears holding onto respective farts for undoubtedly 40+ years of marriage had us absolutely howling man. Had to compose ourselves for a good 10mins before we got coffee
wait until you're old! You bend down and fart. You laugh and fart ---- windy old people. It happens to us all eventually
Old people are just like toddlers. My little girl does the same, makes me laugh the most when she’s picking up something heavy and squeezes a fart out 😂
My daughter has clocked on that farts make mummy and daddy laugh. She regularly shits herself trying to squeeze one out for a giggle.
It’s all shits and giggles until…
I taught my daughter "pull my finger" the other day. Wife is very much unamused.
I always get amused when I pick my toddler up and rest her belly against my shoulder and that pushes out a fart. I feel like saying "you're welcome".
Feel like they were doing a sterling job of holding when in the car together haha But how old is old? Am 41, must be headed that way Farts are a gift we've all been given - bring it on!
Word of warning: never trust a fart after fifty* *not responsible for variances in actual age
Don't forget the walking farts
Yeah bugger this old age It’s a case of “who farted? Oh, I did…”
Don’t get me started on old peoples farts, they don’t know they do it, I used to be a carer and our client would insist we all a walk behind her as she went up the stairs! She would let rip every step without noticing, and she was very slow just go add to it. We were being tortured, whilst she was none the wiser, leisurely chatting about the weather and todays events, we’d be dying breathing in gallons of her gas, still to this day have no idea how that amount should be able to accumulate inside a tiny 90 year old 🥺🙈
That is sooooooooooooooooo good.
I know! We were disappointed that it didn't cause either of us to laugh fart. Would've rounded it off lovely
I'm not gonna lie. My laughter would have fallen out quicker than the fart.
...and quips the time-honoured, "more tea vicar?'
Considering it was a services, I believe "a little more choke, and she would have started" is the more fitting response.
Came here to say this. The correct answer for anything that doesn't have a correct answer.
A cheery 'morning' used to be the way (regardless of the time of day.)
Bend over to their buttocks, inhale, give a review in the genre of a wine enthusiast focussing on the hint of lemons and summer breeze wafting through a field of pregnant coconuts smeared with snail juice.
Can't believe they approved you for day release.
Me rn. This is cracking me up 🤣
Fulham Broadway tube toilets me and a mate washing our hands. Bloke at the urinal rips out an absolute tuba. We both folded on the spot.
More tea vicar
Afterwards always say "a bit more choke and she'd start"
“Confident appeal from the Australians there.”
"Speak up caller you're through"
"The horn's working, now try the lights"
"That's going to itch when it dries"
Squeaky floorboards in here.
That's fantastic, I've never heard that!!!
This is my new favourite
Speak up ‘brown’ you’re through..
That ducks got bad breath
"Well, I don't know much about cricket, but I know that's out"
Read this in Richie Benaud's voice and haven't stopped laughing since
Me too!
‘Better an empty house than a bad tenant.’
I am absolutely dying at this thread. I haven't laughed so much in days. Weeks, even. A heartfelt thank you to all part-ass-ipants! 😂
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Well I thought I’d laughed myself hoarse at the other replies, but this one has tipped me over the edge!
"I'll name that tune in 1".
"You ripped that now you have to buy it"
“Somebody step on a duck?”
Fuck me I laughed way too much at this.
Have a sniff, there's vitamins in the air
No, it should be "Back to bed, Peppa!"
"Ten points to Gryffindor"
“That duck’s got bad breath” “Taxi for brown?” I see the Viz readers couldn’t resist this thread
“There goes the elephant.”
"Usul no longer needs the weirding module!"
"Keep shouting sir, we'll find you"
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Love this
Bloody outstanding, bravo.
Brilliant!
...you want your freeeeedooom Well, who am IIIIII to hold you in?
Personally I wouldn’t have done it right next to or close to someone. Id have waited the 30 seconds for him or me to finish and move away. I wouldn’t want a stranger to fart next to me and I wouldn’t dream of doing it either. Seems stupid but in a stall it would be different. You’re still only a couple feet away from the next person. But the wall is there as a divide and it feels politer almost. I’m not saying you’re wrong. This is one of those things where everyone is going to have different opinions. Some will find it rude. Some will think it’s perfectly acceptable.
>Seem stupid but in a stall it would be different. You’re still only a couple feet away from the next person. But the wall is there as a divide and it feels politer almost. Some people are capable of pooping without passing wind?
My wind usually comes out prior. In fact, often they're the vanguard to alert me the army is not far behind. If I've screwed up the country so badly my trumpeters are mixed with regular infantry, it will be a messy battle indeed.
What a beautiful analogy
Anal-ogy
Read that as anal-orgy and wondered which sub I was in.
Yes. Source: am one of those ppl
Sure. After I sit on the bog I spend the first 5 minutes farting, without pooping, and then I can poop without farting.
>pooping Are you an American child?
Feel like in a toilet anywhere is fair game. If it's rude to fart in the toilet then we've got nowhere left!
And that's the real difference between the gents and the ladies.
When I was in primary school a lad did that and one of the other kids "told" on him to a teacher. The teacher just said "well, that (the toilet) is the place to do it" and just walked off. Plus as an older bloke you'd think he'd be more than aware that as you get older, releasing the front sphincter often releases the back one too.
Gotta say, "front sphincter" is not a phrase I thought I'd be reading this evening.
I'll admit, slightly nicked from a Stewart Lee routine.
In public toilets, one of the things that always perplexes me as I get older is, why do some men of a particular age group gasp so loudly with a strange mix of pleasure and pain when they urinate? I'm terrified this is going to happen to me.
The pee squeezing past their prostate.
I pee once a day, for about 10 minutes. It's a gasp of relief.
Yikes, that sounds unhealthy
I've always had a bladder that'd make a camel blush.
Or you're just damaging your kidneys from not drinking enough water
I used to work with a woman who would come back from the bathrooms and complain about the smell. Her opinion was that “people should do that at home”.
Tell that to all the Crohns and Ulcerative colitis sufferers!
I mean, I _kind_ of agree. An Englishman only sits on his own throne. That said I travel a lot for work, music industry. 10% of the reason I work in the industry is because I love dance music. 40% us because I can't dance and want to enjoy clubs/festivals in a way I can just stand there looking serious because I'm supposed to (or in many cases, have a nice sit down) yet still enjoy it, and the remaining 40% is having access to a nice toilet.
What about the remaining 10%? 😉
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Break wind, await response, if none comes (with your best commentator voice) confidently declare "15 love".
Really need to be careful not to end up on a deuce though
"ONE HUNDRED AND EEEEEEEEIIIIIIIGHTY!"
One time I farted in my own bathroom, I'll grant you it was a vocal beast. At the very same time the neighbour had some guests arriving. The words "dirty bastard!" floated in through the window. If I can't fart in my own bathroom without ridicule then all hope is lost.
I let rip in the garden once and got "kids these days" over the fence in response.
"It was a vocal beast" This made me laugh so much, thank you.
Mate, if you can’t fart in a toilet, where can you!?!
A lift. Then you make a joke about a stoat.
Can you smell bacon?
My farts are kosher I’ll have you know. Eggy cauliflower cheese.
Pissfarts can be a extremely relaxing moment in an otherwise very busy day. The etiquette is that the flatulation ends with a short, sharp stop - and is not framed as a question.
Pahahahahhahaha
OMG the tears rolling down my face! 🤣🤣🤣
This is the funniest reply on here, well played.
it's ok unless you shart in which case you should apologise and transfer to a cubicle
Nah just stand there and angrily shit down your leg. Have you never take a motorway journey in the United Kingdom before?
Let rip. Was in a public toilet once and one guy let rip and people literally cheered
At my brother's wedding, I apologised and the father-in-law let one rip to reciprocate, fine bonding moment. 😂
Yes this! It’s rude not to cheer!
Old boy was just jealous as he’d probably fill his pants if he did the same, sighing for a bygone era.
Say in a sultry voice..."Ooo, whisper to me again chocolate lips"
amazing
When I was in a public toilet in a train station in Oslo, there was a guy in the cubicle taking a dump. He must have thought no one else was inZ Let a massive rip, then plop. Then he shouts, “motherfucker”. I had to get out before he did. The mate and myself stood outside the toilet to see who came out.
i'd have left laughing my arse off hahaha
Pmsl Must have been the backsplash
Older gentleman probably walked away tutting while not washing his hands
Heard a massive wet fart once, and then a different voice spoke up "that will itch later"
It is literally the one & only, specifically designated room made for you to pee/poo/fart/sick in. What an absolute weirdo for tutting at that. That's like tutting if you heard someone's pee/poo hit the water of the toilet bowl as it's being used! I would go as far as to say the tutter was the plonker/rude one here. Who actually is acting all high & mighty over someone for using a restroom as it is intended to be used for crying out loud? Sad, sad people.
My dad’s advice would be to say loudly ‘Jesus, that didn’t even slow down for the lights!’.
The etiquette depends on the fart. A long deep ship horn type fart requires you to say "Hard to starboard captain". A short toot or two requires an "I'll name that tune in one" and a raspy wet fart requires a quick exit to the cubicle.
What about a two tone train horn
"All aboard"
Just say "when there's rain there's thunder" and be on with your life
🎶Thunder only happens when it's raining 🎶
If there's just me and another fella in there and its a loud one, I usually ask, "Was that you?"
shout "TIMBUUUURRRRRR" and fart whilst you do it. keep the UUURRRRRRR going as long as the fart does. you can shake your leg a bit to get some charismatic rhythm into it. if you receive a round of applause, remain humble.
‘Better out than in’ in a Shrek voice.
And the only correct response would be "I had my mouth open and everything" in a donkey voice
I think the Buddah said: "If you don't find farts funny then you're a loser because you're choosing to have less joy in your life, but the exact same amount of farts"
"Keep shouting, Sir, we'll find you!"
More tea vicar!
No etiquette whatsoever other than don’t look down. You’re in the bog, someone three feet the other direction is dropping last night’s tea down the shitter. Fart as loud as you like.
The elegance of "dropping last night’s tea down the shitter". Brilliant!
Proper etiquette is to then drop your pants and trousers right down to your shoes, look him straight in the eyes, bend forward slightly, and slap yourself on the bottom in a cheeky way. And then blow him a kiss.
The etiquette here is for those around you to applaud the fart. Shame on that old guy.
Are you male or female? That could change many things, etiquette wise. With the urinal too
At least you didn't fart under the hand dryer and spread that fucker like I saw on my last visit to corley services
Stare at the person next to you and, with incredulity, ask “was that you?“
I’ve always said gas is acceptable but no lumps
Your response should be "you can't hold what's not in your hands"
Redditors are fucking weird
Should've said "better out than in mate" most of us wouldn't care and some would probably say something along the lines of "good arse" sod that miser.
“ speak up brown”
Honestly… who the fuck cares. You’ll never see each other again 😂😂
assert dominance, go big or go home, no apologies
I was in the toilets at work in New York when travelling and the only guy at the urinal almost certainly hadn’t heard me come in because he let rip a huge fart. I was absolutely gutting myself laughing silently.
'Oops, stepped on a duck' Or frog depending on the tone you're able to achieve
‘Ooo this floorboard is creaky’
Fart confidently, that is all. Bonus points if the fart changes pitch three times and forces a person to leave the room.
I'm 62 and the inner schoolboy in me would make me giggle like one if I was standing next to you and you ripped a good one
I once did this at a work function. The person at the urinal next to me looked at me and said “really?”. I apologised with a quick Clarkson-style “sorry” and someone erupted laughing from one of the cubicles. The manic giggling from some random bloke taking a dump, because I farted, was funnier than the fart itself. Probably one of the best times I’ve ever had in a toilet, with a bunch of other dudes to be honest. (Yes, I’m aware of what I just typed out 😅)
It's a fucking toilet. Youre spraying piss into a pot and others are slopping their guts into the bowl. What did that old codger think was supposed to happen. If someone tutted me for farting I'd ask if he expected roses instead.
Do it. Stay silent. Make others snicker. Dominate your environment
Should have looked at him and told him to go for a shit!
We just got off the ferry in Caen. Found a bistro for petit dejeneur. One of the guys steps into the Gents to make a quick delivery. The sound of an enormous tearing rang out almost as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Every single person in that place was looking around to find the source when great tales of laughter from our crew swept away the faux indignation of the locals. When he exited the toilet we gave him a standing ovation. The locals only gave a disgusted look, then a shrug as they move out of the cafe because the smell which exited the toilet with him was worthy of an Oscar. After a minute we all left as well. It was unbearable.
They tutted because you didn’t say very loudly: “GET OUT AND WALK…“
Should've shouted "Fire in the hole!" Beforehand
You cocked your leg as you did it, right? If not, that'll be why they tutted at you.
Just say, "that one came out with its boots on."
fart and be merry, friend. say something like 'better out than in' or 'i just did a fart' or maybe just chuckle warmly like you're a favourite uncle
At that stage any etiquette if out the fuckin door
It should be celebrated. It can achieve world peace [link](https://youtu.be/ZsRlqb0_h3Q?si=Ry722HH3VlX9RyR1)
Let her rip tator chip.
Glad to see the Profanisaurus still has fans!
Reminds me of a recent encounter in an McDonald toilet. So we were going back to home after a few drinks after work on a Friday night and I wanted to release myself. As I found a local McDonald on the way home, I thought why not. As I entered the toilet I found a dude shagging off in the public urinal beside me. Unperturbed I went about my business and low behold passed a heavy wind while doing so (maybe too much of those chips 😂) . That dude interrupted his business mid way and went out as fast as he could ! I think I did a public service that day 😂
Normally you would say in a loud voice “More tea Vicar”
This is the post I needed today..
Etiquette while farting loudly in a service station in the middle of nowhere when you'll never see anyone there again in your entire life? Good god man! Just don't shit yourself!
You're supposed to say, "Bon appetit!"
In all honesty it depends how sloppy a fart it is
I always try and make it a long one, then the real challenge is who laughs first.
Don't follow through
"I'd rather this have come out than the ambulance"
The only way to follow this up is with a loud ‘better out than in’
You simply say "Well said,Sir", wash your hands, exit the toilet and finish zipping up your trousers 6 feet from the door.