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I had a chat with my sister about this.
She often steps in, with very kind intention, and does something that treads on other people's toes.
She takes control of things which aren't her business. She takes over other people's territory. She doesn't ask first. It can feel controlling of her, as though she thinks she knows more about how you should be living your life than you do yourself.
I know that she means her acts as kind, so I don't criticise her for them. In fact, I think she's quite insecure, so does lots of kind things for other people as a way for them to like and admire her, and to show how kind she is. So I actually look out for all the things that I *do* like about her, and make sure I tell her about all of those things and that she is a kind, good, nice, lovely person.
However, if she is around, I make sure I keep anything important well away from her clutches!
Examples include:
* Clearing the whole of my dad's house in a day when he died. So I didn't get to walk around it one last time, think of his life at my own pace, touch his spaces and mourn for a bit. (I've told her not to do this for my mum!)
* Taking my step dad's clothes straight to the second hand shop from the care home when he died, instead of leaving my mum to sort and deal with them at her own pace, and having time to process his death.
* Ironing a shit head of a boyfriends shirts when I specifically asked her not to
She gets into a frame of mind like a bulldozer, and can't hear you asking her to stop.
But I love her.
My sister is the same! She’s a bit of a nervous wreck. In addition to doing what your sister does, my sister also offers favours out non stop and forgets time exists so back tracks on the favours she offered.
No one in my family accepts favours anymore because she stresses anytime you do accept one, but she also stresses if you don’t accept, so we just lie to her, accept and then still do it ourselves waiting for her to flake. She means well but it usually ends up being more an inconvenience.
She has finally started therapy though as her anxiety was giving her really high blood pressure haha
My sister actually is far more likely to help people she doesn't know at all, and isn't that good at keeping in touch with us, although if you wanted help, she would be there. She's done things like helped people get sofas out of vans because they were doing it when she walked past, got people's cars out of mud when they were stuck and so on. She carries steristrips and a first aid kit on her at all times, as if a stranger is injured, she will get in there and give them first aid, taking photos of their wounds etc before dressing them. She often says that people, including health professionals, mistake her for a nurse and will always use the technical terms for things, so sutures instead of stitches.
She loves funerals and comforting people, and will go to the funerals of people she hardly knows. She prides herself on deeply feeling in her own bones what other people feel, so that she has a really deep understanding of others. It quite shocks me that she thinks she is so observant, but actually misses how much she is treading on other people's territory.
I had to actually walk away the other day, as she was getting so involved with a stranger who was trying to do something sporting for themselves for the first time. They weren't on their own, but with their partner, and they knew that we were around to help if needed.
She was gesturing to them, showing them what to do, and being quite intrusive in their experience. I tried to tell her, but she shusshed me. I found myself getting quite annoyed with her! but then I thought maybe the person was loving all her help and support for all I knew - after all, they were a stranger! So I walked off and calmed myself down and left them to it.
She is always very proud of herself after these events and talks over them a lot. She often tells me about them afterwards.
She really is the kindest of people however. I always feel quite mean at finding it so annoying.
She *tries* so hard! She doesn't just take the easy way. If she gets criticised, she doesn't say anything, but gets a little crease between her eyebrows.
When I get her relaxed, she is delightful, and really funny. I have great belly laughs when I am with her. She is very proactive, energetic and will go with the flow and try her best to fit in with others.
She does a lot of good in the world, from picking up litter to doing voluntary jobs.
I think she should just switch off a bit of her focus on other people. But hey, it's not the nastiest trait to have.
I have a sister who was similar but she now goes to a therapist and he has really sorted her out. She was looking for external validation constantly and that’s not healthy. Her focus was incredibly unbalanced on to other people rather than inwards, it is actually a pretty damaging habit.
She struggled to keep friends because she would over involve herself completely unasked, and hold on to friendships way too tightly, it’s all very intense. She would also talk over people, which isn’t socially acceptable. She had a crisis about 7 years ago and we did talk honestly about not leaning in so hard and gripping on to situations and people so tightly.
She burned out a few months ago and I persuaded her to go back to the therapist weekly and she’s SO much happier now.
Someone else said that, but I think it's just how I've described her. She is quite able to sit and relax and read a book for an evening, or do meditation, or other, calm, relaxing things.
Yeah of course could not be but also there are different types of ADHD, inattentive and hyperactive and then they can also crossover! It’s usually under diagnosed in women also. But yeah all of those things you said immediately made me think of ADHD.
I have (professionally diagnosed) ADHD and can sit and relax for an evening with a book, can do meditation although personally I don't enjoy it much, and other calm relaxing things. There are many presentations of aDHD
My mother is exactly the same. She must be busy and help, and everything she does comes from good intention, but my god does it feel condescending.
I've been moved out for over ten years, but she'll be in my house five minutes before she's offering to mow the lawn or weed, or sort out the cupboard.
It gets even worse if we're doing DIY or decorating because she absolutely must help but insists on doing it her way even if you say not to.
Nowadays I try really hard to actually say something about it, but in a kind way. For years, I didn't want to say anything as I really didn't want to hurt her at all. But I think not saying anything ends up showing up in other ways, and then they try even harder!
Can you save particular jobs that you actually really *would* appreciate your mum doing? Even if those 'jobs' are having a coffee at a new cafe, or getting the shopping in?
My sister ended up clearing our drain out, which was actually really useful, and I think of her every time I put water down the sink now!
It's their language of love, doing kind favours.
Yeah for a while we would "save" jobs for her to do when she stayed with us, but in the long run I think it created this expectation that we NEEDED her help, and every visit would turn into a long list of things to do.
Recently I've just switched to firmly but kindly saying "no there's nothing that we need to do" and the message is starting to get through.
But yeah, it's all from a place of love and not really harmful to anything but my own pride lol
> Recently I've just switched to firmly but kindly saying "no there's nothing that we need to do" and the message is starting to get through.
That's amazing :-)
Haha are we brothers, my mum recently came to visit and decided to pull up a “dead tree” it was not dead it is a cherry blossom and it just wasn’t in season 🤦♂️wife was pissed off and I had to source a new tree
Wow I wish my mum was like this. She wouldn’t help if I paid her. She waits for me to do it all myself then she tells me it looks like shit. Or even worse, she stands there doing fuck all while I’m doing it and tells me I’m doing it wrong. I was frying onions wrong last night, I literally just walked out of the kitchen and went and joined a teams call. Didn’t even turn the hob off. I could hear her shouting from downstairs “we don’t know how to make this dish you were trying, come back down!!” Then she came upstairs and I shushed her and carried on with my meeting. Next thing she knew, Ubereats showed up - one portion of food just for me. Everyone else had to figure it out for themselves.
My ex's mum was similar and it drove me up the wall. You had to keep your eye on her because she'd just start doing things.
For example, we invited the family over to watch an England World Cup match.
I went to use the toilet at half time and found her on her knees scrubbing the bath. "Come back in half hour. I've just bleached the floor." Yeah, thanks, but I need a piss now.
A while later, we're in the last 10 minutes of the match, it's very tense, and she bowls in with the hoover blaring.
My dad also emptied out the house of all my mum's things, and a lot of mine and my sister's thing too, when my mum moved into a nursing home, during covid. I never got to save any keepsakes. It made an upsetting situation much worse. It never occurred to him that I might want to keep some of my mum's jewellery or trinkets. And I had no clue he was doing this as I couldn't visit due to covid. My sister also walked past a charity shop and saw a lot of her own items from her childhood bedroom in the shop window.
My MIL is the same!
But I can't see it as kindness.
It's acts of what in the right circumstances, and if asked for might be kindness, but as you say with your sister, it's done to benefit the person, and overcome their insecurity or whatever and control the situation.
Honesty, she sounds awful! Stomping all over people boundaries, insensitive and interfering and doing things that are really hurtful. She is lucky that you love her, I’m guessing quite a few people avoid her like the plague! Reading your second post, she sounds extremely delusional and narcissistic.
If she can't hear you asking her to stop, then she isn't kind. She's selfish and thoughtless. She's doing what she thinks is right, without reading the room. To be actually kind, you need to consider other people and how they might want to act/or how they feel. And then give them that space.
If you bulldoze other people, for your own ends, your a prat, at best and probably a heartless bitch, of you ain't a prat.
Your sister isn't leaving room for you, or anyone else. To me, that is heartless. Really callous. She's not the only person grieving. No matter the relationship, you have to give room for others.
We all grieve in our own time, on our own timeline and to our own depth. You can lose a parent and resume life asap. You could lose a friend and be sideswiped. At the end of the day, one of us feels.or experience each other the same way. We should all be given the chance to express that love, whenever we feel it.
In the Co-Op the other evening, woman with her young daughter at the self scan next to me has her card declined twice. She gets the guy to take a packet of ham off the bill, and tries again.
Declined. Takes the rolls off, so it's just one packet of ham, a loaf of bread, two pints of semi-skimmed and some cheap sweets.
She phones someone, on speaker (?) who says (I'm waiting for the man to cancel something that should have shown up as reduced on my bill, btw, hence why I'm still there) "I've transferred all the money I had left, £3.20. That should be enough?"
The girl offers to put her sweets back. Breaks my heart, and I don't care whether this is a performance from the Mum or not, it's less than a fiver's worth of stuff, so I offer to pay for it.
She is *mortally* offended, and begins a tirade of swearing I've not encountered since I once beeped someone in a BMW X5 for pushing in front me in a McDonald's drive-through queue.
"What are you fucking saying? That I can't look after my own family? Fuck off you do-gooding cunt, you mind your own fucking business." etc.
I'm still reeling from the whole thing really. Why the whole speakerphone thing if she wasn't at least indirectly asking for help?
This whole scenario just strikes me as incredibly depressing.
Of course she shouldn't have reacted angrily to you trying to help, she's obviously reached breaking point and lashed out, misdirecting anger to you instead of facing her anger at herself (and partner, presumably). It's appalling that people are that close to the breadline (and also so emotionally incontinent that anger is their go-to).
Almost reminds me of rescue animals that have never known kindness so bite at the people trying to rescue them. How do we get out of this?
Oh how I wish people *would* direct their anger at systemic failures (and actual ideological choices of those in power). Seems impossible to ask people to make that leap though. Maybe I'm thinking in baby steps.
"Why the whole speakerphone thing if she wasn't at least indirectly asking for help?"
Because there is a certain sort of dickhead who thinks it is cool to hold their phone like a ryvita, and has decided we are all desperate to hear their very important phone conversations.
Blame reality TV. The fact she used the C-word in front of a child, her own child in fact, speaks volumes about the sort of person she is.
But, good on you for trying to do a good deed.
Love a speakerphone conversation when I'm alone at home, but wouldn't fucking dare do that shit in public, it's weird how common it's gotten. Mind you, is it any different from having a conversation with someone who was physically there? Are *we* the arseholes in this?
I've done something similar in Lidl once. I was in real rush and person in front of me struggled to pay because all the cards they had kept declining. After fourth attempt, while they were going through their big ass wallet, I've just stepped over, said "Right, let's do it this way" and put my card on the contactless. It was some trivial amount, just couple of quid.
Got met with the really snarky "You didn't have to do it you know" to which I've replied that I didn't pay for the goods, I've paid for the time. Like, I don't judge your ability to pay or financial situation, I just wanted to go because that day every minute was allocated.
My partner thinks that my response was low key asshole-ish.
I mean it doesn't sound hugely kind to be honest. You may have been doing a good thing but it sounds like you were being passive aggressive because they were taking a long time.
Only because person was stroppy in the first place instead of saying thank you. When I've paid for it, I had a good tone and smile on the face. And then got hit with the "I'm offended because you've paid for me" attitude.
At least this is how I see it.
> "Right, let's do it this way"
There's no making you sound like the good guy when that's how you approached the situation. Your entire approach was passive aggressive, not just your response to their supposedly snarky comment. More than likely they weren't offended because you paid, they were offended because you didn't ask if they wanted help, interjected and acted as an authority in a situation that was none of your business to begin with and then had the audacity to indirectly say you paid for them not to be nice, but because they were wasting their time.
YTA.
Similar thing happened to me in a club, but I kinda get the negative response because I assume the girl thought I thought she owed me something, but the bar was busy, I had queued for ages. She was fumbling around her back trying to get money out counting coins and I had a £20 note, only one member of staff so I just said "Can I get 2 X and just pay for whatever she's got" and she made some snarky comment like nah you cant buy me or something. Which was funny because I was buying the 2 drinks for me and my girlfriend who was stood right next to me and as soon as I said that, the barmaid started making my drinks rather than waiting for her, because she knew if she just walked away without paying I'd have covered it.
She finally finished counting her pennies, gave me the dirtiest look and disappeared.
This reminds me of a really cringey story. I was unable to find a pound for my shopping and I was short so I had to put something back. A woman gave me a pound to pay the extra and I thanked her, but then suddenly I found a pound in my back pocket. I showed her I found it then I left the shop without thinking to give her the pound back. I felt like a total prick.
Don’t let it stop you being a good human. For incredibly proud people who weren’t poor and suddenly are, it’s extremely humiliating and feeling out of control when someone is offering help. I didn’t know how proud and uncomfortable I am with asking for help until life tried me a bit. I wasn’t ever hostile, but I know the feeling. For someone let’s say it… without good manners to start with, it was definitely too much to handle.
Ah, but did you shout at a stranger and call them a cunt for trying to help you, in front of a child? 😁
A "thank you, but no thank you" type response is appropriate when someone is offering help you don't want. I think the woman's hostility is the issue here, not pride.
No, but the way I’d say/express „no thank you” was very awkward/cold and I’d never feel relaxed in their presence which could be taken entirely the wrong way. I was making an effort tho, not to make people feel that way, cause I really appreciated genuine attitude they had towards me, but in ops story, the person „followed their heart” entirely, and they rationalised their insecurities giving themselves permission „it’s not your business, fuck off”. I have no idea why it feels so bad to take help sometimes, but it does. With everything tho, it’s not an excuse, it’s just an observation I had.
Yikes that’s awful.
I offered to pay for a couple of guys who were struggling to pay for a couple of very basic food items, they were to the side for ages trying to get some money sorted. I told the woman at the checkout I’ll just pay for it and she acted like I was offering to let them stay at my house and like she can’t get her head around it and with what I can only describe as her trying to hide her disgust. It may not be entirely irrelevant that the men appeared to be immigrants.
I wanted it to be discrete and pay and leave without any fuss but she made it into such a huge deal acting like she doesn’t get it, I felt so embarrassed and a manager had to be called. Thankfully he was a normal person who understood I just wanted to do something quick, discrete and kind, but by then the men noticed because of the fuss, they were touched and thankful but insisted I don’t pay and they’ll sort it out.
I left embarrassed and don’t know if they did manage to pay for their items.
You know how sometimes when cats get upset about something they'll misdirect their aggression onto their family? Like they'll see another cat outside, get angry and scared, and then bite their human? People are exactly the same.
I can never imagine someone being that offended or mean!
I've only been in the UK for 2-3 weeks as a tourist and thought it was the most polite and friendly place in the world. People said sorry because they just barely got into my personal space lol
A general pro tip for everyone - don't mention other people's weight loss or gain. It's not your business.
I've previously lost loads of weight.. due to diagnosed Type 2 diabetes. I was getting loads of "You look really good" compliments; but I was close to being hospitalised because of an diagnosed disease. My GP didn't even take me seriously until my weight was diving.
Reminds me of the most ground swallowing moment of my life. Friend of a friend was pregnant and bumped into her many months later and congratulated her on the birth. She had a frozen smile and just shook her head. My friend hadn’t told me that she’d had a late term miscarriage.
Yeah my housemate was very very poorly for a while and must have dropped about 2 stone? All her coworkers were gushing at how amazing she looked (e.g. Thin) whereas me and my other housemates were worried sick as she was literally grey and gaunt. Crazy how being thin can be the be all end all for some people when it comes to looks.
If they're recovering, I'm sure it'd be appreciated. Even if someone is very ill, it's still nice to be told you look well. It's never nice to feel like you look really ill when you are
At least it's not offensive. They can always say that's surprising because I've actually been quite poorly. I would hope nobody would say it if someone looks ill and thinner, that's massively tactless. If in doubt, keep your gob shut
Dunno if this says more about me but every time I see someone rapidly lose weight I assume they've got cancer or they're depressed or something and don't bring it up
So many people told me how good I looked - after I’d been in hospital for a couple of weeks with sepsis and nearly died. It really wasn’t a diet I’d recommend.
Bringing food to someone's house without being asked when invited to dinner.
I have friends who are terrible for this - I'll have a lovely 3 course meal planned, and they'll show up with an extra desert, or a salad that doesn't go with the meal. FFS - the societal norm is to bring flowers, wine or chocolate. Do that, and stop fucking up my leftover calculations.
Interesting. I'm usually the one to turn up with extra dessert (usually a homemade cake or biscuits) but I always forewarn the day before. Is this a really big faux pax? A lot of my friends don't drink so it's usually cake and a couple of bottles of posh lemonade when I visit.
Honestly? It depends on your friends, but I do consider this a faux pas. *Slight* pass for checking in the day before, but that still annoys me, because inevitably it's in a tone of "just letting you know!" when I've already been asked if I want them to bring anything and said no!
It really depends on the gathering as well - having a bunch of folk over and putting out ham, cheese and bread for folk to snack on? Fine, bring what you like. Serving a three course roast lunch for 6 on Easter Sunday? THERE ISN'T ROOM ANYWHERE IN THE FLAT!!!!
>Interesting. I'm usually the one to turn up with extra dessert (usually a homemade cake or biscuits) but I always forewarn the day before. Is this a really big faux pax?
There's two scenarios with bringing something to the evening.
1) You bring something over, intended to be used that evening. For example "I brought some wine for us all!".
2) Your bring something over as a gift for the host, which they could choose to use to use that evening, but don't have to. For example "We brought you both a bottle of wine to say thanks!"
If you arrived at my house with some home made biscuits and said "I brought you and your partner some biscuits" I would say thanks and put them away for later.
If you came over and said "I brought some home made biscuits to have after dinner" I'd think that was quite presumptious.
Same for wine. For all you know I've picked out 3 bottles of wine to match the meal I've made. On the other hand if you bring me a bottle of wine as a gift, I would drink the one I picked out for the evening first and if your wine matches the meal say "hey shall we drink X persons wine next?".
Thanks for the notes! Out of interest, what age group are you in? I'm wondering if this might be a generation gap/ life stage thing. I'm in my late 20s, only just starting to do proper "dinners" at home with friends in the last few years. Maybe it's a spill over of bring-your-own-booze culture as most of us are still living skint semi-studenty lifestyles in London despite having graduated most of a decade ago. Hosting a big dinner is an expensive task, so it was very common to offer to bring things like dessert so the host didn't have to cook/pay for everything. Just slowly growing out of it.
Yes, I’m wondering if it’s an age thing too. Also in my late 20s in London and it’s very normal for the guest to bring the desert whilst giving a heads up by offering or saying they’ll bring something.
Also, I think advanced discussion of the menu as a whole is more prevalent in our age group due to veganism/vegetarianism/gluten free dietary requirements being more commonplace.
Oh you might be onto something! I'm actually gluten free and have been for a decade so I used to always feel bad about the extra hassle for the hosts and would also offer to make gluten free dessert as it used to be a lot harder to get a decent result when the flours weren't as good as they are now. Maybe that's how this whole thing began for me.
I'm almost 40 and what you're doing is fine.
Firstly, I assume your friends aren't hosting elaborate 3 course dinner parties with a carefully crafted accompanying wine flight, and I'm sure you'd be aware of it if they were.
Secondly, if I had made dessert for everyone and then they turned up with another dessert, you know what I'd do? I'd bloody well serve them both, and everyone could enjoy whichever they wanted. If I'd already opened wine to breathe and they turned up with a bottle, you know what I'd say? 'Oh, I've already opened some, just pop that on the side in case we run out.'
Your friends would need to be disturbingly uptight to take offence at this.
>Out of interest, what age group are you in? I'm wondering if this might be a generation gap/ life stage thing.
I'm in my mid-thirties, but I also knew this like growing up. While I like to not be reminded of my own mortality and age, I don't think our ages are that different. I also live in London, but I'm not from here originally, and same goes for all my friends, so I don't think it's regional.
>Maybe it's a spill over of bring-your-own-booze culture as most of us are still living skint semi-studenty lifestyles in London despite having graduated most of a decade ago. Hosting a big dinner is an expensive task, so it was very common to offer to bring things like dessert so the host didn't have to cook/pay for everything.
Ultimately it depends on the friendship group right? Like if all your friends do it to each other when you go around, then it's fine because all of you understand the intent there.
It just comes down to sort of presumption. Like if you turn up with a cake, and I have gone and bought/made a cake for dessert, you're basically putting me in a position where I either don't serve yours, or I do and then my time/effort went to waste.
Whereas if you said "hey, want me to make a cake for dessert and bring it over?" that's not rude because I can say no (and save your time) or say yes (and not waste mine).
If your friends basically already have a convetion that the host doesn't make dessert though then obviously it's no issue.
Ultimately just ask beforehand if the host wants you to bring anything if you're in doubt. Worst they say is "no, all is good thanks"
I often bring dessert, but I ask first.
"Shall I make a dessert?" then they can say yes or no. I can also ask about dietary requirements and stuff as well then too.
If you said it a 5+ days in advance, then I wouldn't mind.
If you're saying it a day in advance, then I've already bought the ingredients, and I would be irritated.
I think it depends a lot on the type of meal. If it's a quite informal thing, or the hosts have put on a bit of a buffet, I think it's fine to bring stuff. If it's a more structured meal with courses that might have been carefully selected to compliment each other, I can see it being a bigger issue.
That said, I think you bringing biscuits should be fine for any occasion - they can be nibbled as an after-dinner snack, while everyone is sitting around having coffee or whatnot, and any that are left over the hosts can enjoy as a "thank you for inviting me" gift over the next few days.
I’ve always bought food as gifts when we’re invited to other peoples homes. I’m Asian so it’s common to do so. But I never expect it to be included in the meal. I mean, usually it’s a box of Indian sweets, baklava or similar.
Box of sweets is fine - they can either be put out with coffee or kept till later (and baklava would definitely be hoarded away till later!). It's not inherently edible gifts I object to, it's the presumption of bringing something that needs to be served with dinner, mucking up my plans that I object to.
You need new friends. Let me know your address, and I will personally pop over to eat your lovely 3 course meal. As an added bonus, I won't bring anything extra with me.
I was guilty of this once, now I'm very wary of doing it again. I was invited to a birthday party so I said I'd bring some cakes. I baked some brownies and cupcakes and took them along. The host forgot about my offer and everyone ate my bakes rather than the massive cake they'd ordered.
Saw a woman struggling with a pram to get it up a flight of stairs, so I asked her, "Do you need a hand?" She turned around and said,"I have a boyfriend. " ....was like, sorry, what????
If I see women struggling in the gym I feel like I can't go ask if they need help because they'll think I'm coming on to them, I have been asked for help a few times in there though to put weights back or unlock some equipment that's annoying etc.
Please don’t stop asking women with prams if they need help. I wouldn’t get anywhere if it wasn’t for kind men helping me off buses & trains… it’s getting to the point I just see a man and expect it lol. Please don’t let her put you off! There’s normal married mothers out there that appreciate the help
When my kids were younger i opened my mouth and asked the nearest person, male or female, and 10/10 everyone always helps. Usually on stairs.
There are many times however i preferred to DIY and will refuse help. This is because i had a double buggy and it was actually easier/safer to tip it slightly and get off backwards buses and trams myself.
A guy asked me recently if I needed help getting the pram down safely off a high kurb. I said no its okay no worries.
He was with his family & wife and had a huge smile on his face.
We spoke a short while and I told him to have a great day in front of his family. I know his kids will take on his positive behaviours.
What a lovely guy! I do hope he has the best day, what a pleasant kind man. Its very rare.
Don't worry, outside the gym I do help a lot of people. I've helped one lady around the corner from my house who felt outside her house taking the bins out managed to get her back up and took her bins out for her. 2 weeks ago I had to carry an old man around 30 meters home because his legs gave out, he said it was from arthritis and refused to allow an ambulance to be called annoying and if I see someone needing a hand out and about I will help.
In the gym is a different story tho I'm afraid, never know when someone is recording or if anyone thinks you're a creep lol
You’re obviously an approachable nice dude if women ask you to help put equipment away. I only get asked by other men so I must look like a right pervert or something.
I’m a gym girl, I sometimes wish guys would offer me a quick spot sometimes, especially on my shoulder press. Happened for the first time the other day actually, I was trying to explain to my mum how to help me get my first rep up and the guy next to us offered to spot me, made me feel like I really had to get it up to not look daft haha and really appreciated it!
Sorry but we can't if I'm honest, there's too many women calling men creeps for asking if they want help in the gym (just need to watch Joey Swole to realise that) I know it's not the majority of women but still. I've given women a spot before, but they have to ask me, which I'm perfectly fine with. I've also had to step in after a woman didn't ask for a spot and got pinned underneath the bench press....because she didn't ask for a spot, obviously if it's a situation where someone is going to get hurt then I'll act
Joey Swole specifically curates annoying gym influencer behaviour. It’s entertaining rage bait but it’s not representative of how the vast majority of people behave in the gyms.
Yeah to be fair I’ve never offered to spot anyone either though majority of people in my gym are probably stronger than I am haha. I just keep to myself unless I see someone doing something that could hurt them, stopped to advise a lady on the leg press once as she was fully extending her legs and her knees looked ready to snap.
It’s good to offer help, though that comment from her was nothing to do with you in that moment.
It was most likely to do with the type of everyday interactions women frequently deal with from men hitting on them.
I’m not going to judge her on why she behaved like that, she could just be an uppity bitch or she could have some past trauma that she’s dealing with and trying to protect herself from. But please don’t stop offering to help. A kind man helped carry my enormous heavy suitcase up the stairs at a train station and I was *with* my boyfriend at the time (who had a huge suitcase of his own). It’s just human to human help and it’s always better to offer and not need it, than someone needs it and no one’s offering.
Maybe she thought you meant did she need a hand raising the baby 😂
I do imagine it's hard as a man to know when to offer help, I think the best thing is to just make yourself come across as approachable and if a woman needs your help she will ask.
There’s a guy at the gym I go to who often helps me take my plates off the bar after heavy sets. They can be so awkward to get off so I so appreciate it!!
Or become viewed as their personal piggy bank.
My wife has been giving money to a school friend who is "in hard times". Never hears a word outside of the desperation messages of no money, no food etc. Then sees a fucking facebook post the other day saying she's in he airport about to fly off on holiday. Few days later gets another message pleading that she's at death's door, poverty, no money for food. She replied "where are you" - nothing back. Week or so later, another begging post.
If someone has no one else to help them out, it's not being a bad person to wonder why.
Traditional teapots should only ever be rinsed and not washed. If you don't have milk, they could be building up the "flavour." Traditionally, a well-used teapot is considered seasoned, not dirty.
Maybe they were actually annoyed you scrubbed off their seasoning... like if you were to take a scouring pad to a cast iron pan.
Seems weird you'd mess with their mug tbh. Yes, they were probably embarrased, and while possibly good-intentioned, it was really unnecessary. Leave them alone FFS. In my workplace, I mind my own business and don't touch other people's belongings.
As a young man I rented a room in a house. My landlord's partner decided one day when I was out at work that she would go and clean my room. Massive invasion of privacy. I chewed them out over that but they didn't understand that the room was out of bounds to them.
My father used to tidy my room suddenly without telling me but he has a habit of throwing shit out that I want to keep. He threw out a loop pedal from a guitar, Pokemon cards, records from the 60s…
To be honest, any act done towards someone suspicious of your intentions, not communicated well or to someone bringing their own insecurities/shitty circumstances towards it can be taken the wrong way.
You did nothing wrong and I can understand the thought behind it but if certain colleagues of mine did that I might think the same. That's a me problem though.
The cleaners always pick my mug and glass off my desk and put it in the sink for the fairies (office manager) to clean. So I get a bollocking from the office manager for leaving stuff in the sink, and my mug, which didn't need cleaning, is now not where I want it to be
I was in New York sat around by the Hudson on a pier which has bars and restaurants etc.
There was a couple who were struggling to take a photo of themselves and seemed like they were looking over to me.
I asked them if they wanted a photo (offering to take the photo for them). The guy immediately got very aggressive and said "I don't want a photo but how about a fight?".
Confused I just walked away into a different part of the pier. In hindsight maybe he thought I was saying sarcastically "does he want a photo of me" as they were looking in my direction while taking their photo.
This reminds me of being in a pub when a woman came across from her group of loud girls table and asked "Have you got a problem with me? Why are you staring at me?"
She looked very embarrassed when we pointed out she was sitting beneath the chalkboard menu and we were deciding what to order.
I feel like the fact that so many men are willing to beat the shit out of you over nothing if you’re a guy isn’t talked about enough. I think male violence should be taken more seriously than it is because, if there’s a group of people who catcall, harass women or attack them, then it’s probably these pricks who are willing to attack men at the drop of a hat. Deal with them and the issues with women being harassed go away, too.
I am that guy who will ALWAYS offer the elderly to carry their bags, suitcases and whatnot up the stairs. But I also look half Latino/half Middle Eastern, so my good intentions are not always received as one would expect...
I imagine sometimes it's also a case of the person not facing up to the fact that they are perceived as 'old.'
I have had similar when I had offered a seat to people on public transport. In their eyes they're probably much younger than how old others (and maybe reality) think they are
My wife was talking to a couple i'm an acquaintance of in the pub. As i walked over, my wife beamed at me and said "Sarah and Mark have some great news!" I looked at Sarah's belly, wagged my finger at it and said "OH my god! Congratulations! When are you due?!" My wife's face dropped as she said "Sarah and Mark have just got *engaged*!" I apologised profusely. Mark found it HILARIOUS saying "He thinks you're *pregnant*!" and after a couple of seconds she laughed as well. I wished the ground to swallow me up, but learned a valuable lesson.
One that is quite a hot button topic in the gaming communities is giving new players a bunch of free stuff in multiplayer games.
On the surface it seems like a genuinely nice thing to do, but it turns out it can really hamper people's enjoyment of the game in the long term as it can cause the early (and what some people consider most fun) period of the game where you have to make meaningful choices with your resources to slowly "level-up" your character to be completely bypassed.
I completely back this logic.
I remember as a kid starting runescape and my friend was insanely deep into it, so he just gave me a bunch of shit.
It was boring as fuck. I just breezed through everything and I thought the game sucked as a result.
I once offered my seat on the tube to a pregnant lady. She wasn't pregnant.
Fortunately I had offered in a subdued manner, I hadn't pointed at her stomach and shouted "BABY!!! YOU WANT SEAT?". My partner was on the ball and loudly told me "you're a gentleman, but you really don't need to offer your seat to EVERY lady who is standing!". Took me a second to realise. Thankfully Mrs D's comment meant I didn't have to offer my seat to every lady after that.
She still takes the piss out of me about it, though.
A man helping a lost child, iv had to do it a few times and even though you just want to ensure the child is safe theres always a concern for peoples opinion
A close friend of mine went through a bad break up and lost his job in the same week.
His ex missus ditched him for another guy and just upped and moved out and in with the new guy leaving him with 2 kids.
He had some savings but it was just enough to get bills paid for the next few months till he found work again. I have been mates with him for over 20 years at this point so went out and bought him some shopping and put £200 in a envelope to give him so he could have some spare cash in case him or the kids needed something.
Well I it in the ear off him saying he did not need charity and that he will sort things himself even if that means going into debt. I know he was struggling so just said ok and left.
About a year later we spoke again and he apologised for the way he acted and could see I just wanted to help. Since then I have not tried to help anyone in that way again
I was in my engineering block a girl was struggling to loosen an allen key screw, I went over and begun to ask "do you need a hand?" to which she angrily responded she didn't need any help. Presumably because she thought I was questioning her strength, I wasn't, it was a left handed thread. She was continuously tightening the screw even more. I left her to it.
It does seem to happen quite often in engineering. Had my head bitten off a couple of times by one woman I work with for helping her the exact same way I’d help male colleagues. So I it stopped trying. I wasn’t the only one she was quite sharp to react with to any help either.
Eh, when you've spent a significant number of years surrounded by microaggressions from men who think they're better than you it's understandable that genuine offers of help can be taken as further condescension.
One thing I noticed when I worked over in America is you can give people compliments and they take them quite sincerely. Some Brits can be funny about them though.
I'd say sarcasm plays an obvious part in this. It's like the thing where the same swear word can mean everything from you're best mates to they're someone you'd like dead and many steps in between.
I was 18 and in my first job, a pretty informal call centre sales role.
There were two teamleaders for the new starters and the one I didn't have, was a reasonably attractive woman a few years older than me at the time.
One day I come in and she's wearing these super-flowery green and yellow trousers. I say "cool trousers name!" and walk past her to go log on. It was a genuine passing compliment, they were exactly my type of thing and they were pretty unique.
I got called into HR for checking out her ass and despite defending myself vehemently, I still left with a verbal warning. I never bothered to speak to her again.
Thats awful! How did that even become a verbal warning
I feel like if you had said nice ass it wouldn’t get to verbal (assuming you deny it) as these things are hard to prove
That’s so shitty
Tbh HR were just mediating and that was the middle ground we settled on.
I remember at one point they asked if I looked at her ass maybe in passing rather than fully ogled or whatever, and I was like "her trousers are on the bottom half of her body, obviously to notice the trousers, I looked at the bottom half of her body."
That was kinda taken as a semi-ommission of guilt and we chalked it up to largely being a miscommunication
Asking someone if they're OK in a very emotionally heightened situation.
A few days back I asked a woman quietly if she was okay after she had been shouted at by someone who I presumed was her boyfriend. While I only asked her after he'd wandered off, he came back and he got more mouthy as a result.
While I know I shouldn't have intervened incase my effort was taken the wrong way, I don't regret doing it.
We have a toddler. I’m a SAHM (not a housewife) and my husband works long hours.
Whenever my in-laws look after the cat when we go away they deep clean the house.
I understand the gesture. But ask first before you deep clean the oven and clean the windows.
The house is as tidy as it can be with a toddler. We’re not living in filth. But as kind as they are, they make us feel like we are 😅
Wow, I wish my inlaws would look after my dog and deep clean the house! Can we have a swap? (Only temporarily, because I am quite fond of my in-laws overall)
We look after their cats too so it’s a mutually beneficial thing.
They always say they do it because they do the same when they visit my husbands brother. However he’s 350miles away so they don’t get to support them physically much.
I don’t need my oven trays replacing or the inside of my air fryer cleaning whilst I’m on holiday 😅
Fair enough! To be honest, I couldn't have their bouncy labradores in my house, so I wouldn't be returning the favour, lol!
If it is something you have asked them not to do I can see how that could be annoying though!
A friend had a ‘sniffy’ which was a corner of a blanket she had from a child. She used to wrap it round her thumb when she sucked her thumb for comfort. Grubby as hell so I stuck it in the washing machine. She has never forgiven me because now it doesn’t smell the same
Worked at a little company, I was in the office (of about 20 people in various departments, but mostly women) we were all working on some stupid deadline, in the heat with an air con that wasn't working properly.
We hit it, big success, big team effort from everyone.
Sales manager convinced the big boss to give her some money to say thank you to the **whole team**".
Bought back 20 bunches of flowers.
Most of the women on staff loved them, some of the guys seemed to like them too.
The rest of us guys felt a little forgotten about, it was a nice enough gesture but the sales manager clearly only thought about her team.
One of the younger guys, asked if the flowers were for the guys too? (A little incredulously maybe.)
Sales manager told him, *well he could give it to his girlfriend or his mother would appreciate them.*
The guy was painfully single and lost his mother a few years back.
Killed the mood as everyone else knew and the manager was being a bit of a bitch about it.
My mate kicked off about exactly the same thing. Some people just don’t like others messing with their stuff. I guess they’re quite capable of cleaning a mug but they’ve made a choice not to. Their choice after all.
Sometimes (often?) it's not so much the what as the how. Like if you're an uber extrovert bull in a china shop type, who thinks what works for you is how things work for everyone - don't try to help people. Unless they have no other options. And to be clear, being left the fuck alone IS an option. Although now I think of it, the what in those cases can also be half the problem. Sometimes it's best to leave people alone as you're potentially not the hero you think you are.
The mug thing sounds more like bad timing though.
My nan has sciatica that is basically making her right leg unusable, but she will take even the gentlest of nudges towards doing her physio as a personal attack akin to implying she's incapable of independence.
Also, I've often offered to help smaller/older people than myself who look to be struggling with a physical task to be met with an indignance that suggests I implied they were incapable.
Holding a door open for a woman who thinks very highly of herself and that I must be doing it to get her attention. I had a few too many of these so I've just stopped other than if they're elderly or have a small child/baby with them, the looks on their faces now brings me a bit of joy.
Bitch, I'm just being nice and I'm gay so there is no chance you'd get that sort of attention from me.
"I tidied it away for you" (but actually you just hid something I had out for a reason)
"I made you a cup of tea/some food" (but you made it in a way I don't like it)
As for the dirty mug thing, when the tea strain is thick enough it comes off really easily, also it's not really dirt, it's just tea, also it stops other people using/touching my mug.
Same happened to me. Years ago I lived in a shared house, was doing dishes and saw a cup that was mahogany brown inside, so scrubbed the grime off the inside and put it away. Next day my housemate is kicking off because she was working "really hard" to let that tea "infuse" with the flavour of years of black tea. rank.
But an act of kindness that was taken the wrong way that i've never understood:
I was in WHSmith once in my youth and a woman infront of me was asking for 1st class stamps. The cashier said "We have no first class stamps" the woman was really stressed by this saying "I really need a first class stamp now, second class won't do".
I proceed to tap her on the shoulder and say "I have 3 first class stamps left in this stamp book I have in my wallet, you can have them, I don't need them". She stared at me like I had broken into her house and pissed on her dog and stormed off. They were free stamps.
Okay this isn't quite the same but whenever someone lets me out at a junction that isn't too busy, like the end of my street, I get really annoyed. I can't see them waving at me behind my A pillar and the sun reflecting off their windscreen. There's two cars behind you and then I can go, just keep driving
When I was in my early teens I'd got out of my Mum's car one day to get the pay and display ticket. Being a young teen I hadn't read the highway code yet and didn't know that pedestrians have priority once they start to cross a pedestrian crossing. Just after I'd started onto a crossing on my way to get the ticket, a car suddenly appeared, going quite quickly for a carpark, up to the crossing and stopped. I assumed the driver was in a hurry so thinking I was being nice I hopped back off the crossing and gestured for her to go fast, as I wasn't in as much of a hurry. She sat there for a few seconds glaring at me then mouthed 'bitch' at me as she drove off.
Its wasn't until I was learning to drive and studied the highway code a few years later that I understood why she did that.
One day I was waiting for my bus to work in awful weather. A car stopped by the bus stop and the driver, a man I had never seen before, said "Would you like a lift into work? I've seen you arriving at your office before so I know you work near to me." It was probably meant kindly but I found it creepy. I said no, thanks but no thanks. I hid behind the bus stop sign if I saw him driving past from then on.
At Tesco a lady asked if she can have my trolley for a pound. So she started looking for a pound, was struggling for a hot minute. It got awkward so i just waved off and said its fine don’t worry about it 😊
And her face looked so embarrassed and said “oh no i didn’t mean it like that!” Like she was asking for charity haha
My dad is 88 and his house is minging. I always offer to clean but he always says, no I’ll do it and never does and gets annoyed with me. My friend won’t have a cuppa round there anymore!
I had a favourite tea mug once; it was all brown on the inside and tea drunk from it was delicious. My mother in law scrubbed it clean when I wasn't there and I never quite forgave her. She was French, so I thought perhaps she just didn't understand tea or something, but it was still a liberty.
My area of work is probably one of the few where you can say to someone “I hope we never see you again” and it not be a dickish thing to say.
But when you bump into a former patient in the highstreet and forget you’re not in uniform, earwigging old women can take it the wrong way. “You don’t have to be so nasty, that’s an awful thing to say!”
I don't have an example but I don't clean my work mug because I like it that way, the coffee tastes nicer (probably placebo but whatever it works for me), and weirdly I just kinda like the gritty tactile sensation of stirring a coated mug over a smooth one.
If somebody cleaned it I'd be irritated because A: I like it that way for a reason, B: You've touched my stuff. C: How do I know your hands were clean when you did it.
Yes some of you will think I'm gross but I've been doing this 15 years and never been ill from it. The boiling water kills any germs I'm sure.
I am an owner of a death mug.
I would be offended if someone cleaned it in the same way I get offended when my mum starts scrubbing random surfaces in my house.
It isn't yours.
To answer the question, I find any act of kindness from an attractive woman can be taken by men as flirting.
My mum cleaned my fridge one day and threw my garlic out coz it looked off to her, it wasn’t. I love cooking and went to get my garlic that I needed and it was gone I was so angry lol
My mother in law recently started helping out at the local RNLI cleaning and stuff. She was telling us how for Christmas someone had given them all mugs with their names on and that the first time she washed up one of them had a mug “that didn’t look like he’d ever cleaned it”. I was just opening my mouth to say “oh he’s one of those people that like to build up a tannin patina is he” when she said that she’d had to bleach and scour it to get it clean. I wonder how serious an enemy she’s made and when she’ll realise.
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I had a chat with my sister about this. She often steps in, with very kind intention, and does something that treads on other people's toes. She takes control of things which aren't her business. She takes over other people's territory. She doesn't ask first. It can feel controlling of her, as though she thinks she knows more about how you should be living your life than you do yourself. I know that she means her acts as kind, so I don't criticise her for them. In fact, I think she's quite insecure, so does lots of kind things for other people as a way for them to like and admire her, and to show how kind she is. So I actually look out for all the things that I *do* like about her, and make sure I tell her about all of those things and that she is a kind, good, nice, lovely person. However, if she is around, I make sure I keep anything important well away from her clutches! Examples include: * Clearing the whole of my dad's house in a day when he died. So I didn't get to walk around it one last time, think of his life at my own pace, touch his spaces and mourn for a bit. (I've told her not to do this for my mum!) * Taking my step dad's clothes straight to the second hand shop from the care home when he died, instead of leaving my mum to sort and deal with them at her own pace, and having time to process his death. * Ironing a shit head of a boyfriends shirts when I specifically asked her not to She gets into a frame of mind like a bulldozer, and can't hear you asking her to stop. But I love her.
My sister is the same! She’s a bit of a nervous wreck. In addition to doing what your sister does, my sister also offers favours out non stop and forgets time exists so back tracks on the favours she offered. No one in my family accepts favours anymore because she stresses anytime you do accept one, but she also stresses if you don’t accept, so we just lie to her, accept and then still do it ourselves waiting for her to flake. She means well but it usually ends up being more an inconvenience. She has finally started therapy though as her anxiety was giving her really high blood pressure haha
My sister actually is far more likely to help people she doesn't know at all, and isn't that good at keeping in touch with us, although if you wanted help, she would be there. She's done things like helped people get sofas out of vans because they were doing it when she walked past, got people's cars out of mud when they were stuck and so on. She carries steristrips and a first aid kit on her at all times, as if a stranger is injured, she will get in there and give them first aid, taking photos of their wounds etc before dressing them. She often says that people, including health professionals, mistake her for a nurse and will always use the technical terms for things, so sutures instead of stitches. She loves funerals and comforting people, and will go to the funerals of people she hardly knows. She prides herself on deeply feeling in her own bones what other people feel, so that she has a really deep understanding of others. It quite shocks me that she thinks she is so observant, but actually misses how much she is treading on other people's territory. I had to actually walk away the other day, as she was getting so involved with a stranger who was trying to do something sporting for themselves for the first time. They weren't on their own, but with their partner, and they knew that we were around to help if needed. She was gesturing to them, showing them what to do, and being quite intrusive in their experience. I tried to tell her, but she shusshed me. I found myself getting quite annoyed with her! but then I thought maybe the person was loving all her help and support for all I knew - after all, they were a stranger! So I walked off and calmed myself down and left them to it. She is always very proud of herself after these events and talks over them a lot. She often tells me about them afterwards. She really is the kindest of people however. I always feel quite mean at finding it so annoying.
>I always feel quite mean at finding it so annoying. I wouldn't, she sounds insufferable.
She *tries* so hard! She doesn't just take the easy way. If she gets criticised, she doesn't say anything, but gets a little crease between her eyebrows. When I get her relaxed, she is delightful, and really funny. I have great belly laughs when I am with her. She is very proactive, energetic and will go with the flow and try her best to fit in with others. She does a lot of good in the world, from picking up litter to doing voluntary jobs. I think she should just switch off a bit of her focus on other people. But hey, it's not the nastiest trait to have.
I have a sister who was similar but she now goes to a therapist and he has really sorted her out. She was looking for external validation constantly and that’s not healthy. Her focus was incredibly unbalanced on to other people rather than inwards, it is actually a pretty damaging habit. She struggled to keep friends because she would over involve herself completely unasked, and hold on to friendships way too tightly, it’s all very intense. She would also talk over people, which isn’t socially acceptable. She had a crisis about 7 years ago and we did talk honestly about not leaning in so hard and gripping on to situations and people so tightly. She burned out a few months ago and I persuaded her to go back to the therapist weekly and she’s SO much happier now.
Yeah. I think my sister is gradually working it out. She likes reading self help books.
Ah that’s amazing! I am glad.
Sounds an awful lot like ADHD to me!
Someone else said that, but I think it's just how I've described her. She is quite able to sit and relax and read a book for an evening, or do meditation, or other, calm, relaxing things.
Yeah of course could not be but also there are different types of ADHD, inattentive and hyperactive and then they can also crossover! It’s usually under diagnosed in women also. But yeah all of those things you said immediately made me think of ADHD.
I have (professionally diagnosed) ADHD and can sit and relax for an evening with a book, can do meditation although personally I don't enjoy it much, and other calm relaxing things. There are many presentations of aDHD
I'm 99% I have it and sometimes I get so absorbed in tasks that I don't eat, drink, or use the bathroom for over six hours.
Getting sofas out of strangers vans is a sure way to get serial killered
That last sentence sounds mean.
Sure, maybe if you have a paragraph of context and not 24 years of being twin sisters it does
My mother is exactly the same. She must be busy and help, and everything she does comes from good intention, but my god does it feel condescending. I've been moved out for over ten years, but she'll be in my house five minutes before she's offering to mow the lawn or weed, or sort out the cupboard. It gets even worse if we're doing DIY or decorating because she absolutely must help but insists on doing it her way even if you say not to.
Nowadays I try really hard to actually say something about it, but in a kind way. For years, I didn't want to say anything as I really didn't want to hurt her at all. But I think not saying anything ends up showing up in other ways, and then they try even harder! Can you save particular jobs that you actually really *would* appreciate your mum doing? Even if those 'jobs' are having a coffee at a new cafe, or getting the shopping in? My sister ended up clearing our drain out, which was actually really useful, and I think of her every time I put water down the sink now! It's their language of love, doing kind favours.
Yeah for a while we would "save" jobs for her to do when she stayed with us, but in the long run I think it created this expectation that we NEEDED her help, and every visit would turn into a long list of things to do. Recently I've just switched to firmly but kindly saying "no there's nothing that we need to do" and the message is starting to get through. But yeah, it's all from a place of love and not really harmful to anything but my own pride lol
> Recently I've just switched to firmly but kindly saying "no there's nothing that we need to do" and the message is starting to get through. That's amazing :-)
Haha are we brothers, my mum recently came to visit and decided to pull up a “dead tree” it was not dead it is a cherry blossom and it just wasn’t in season 🤦♂️wife was pissed off and I had to source a new tree
Wow I wish my mum was like this. She wouldn’t help if I paid her. She waits for me to do it all myself then she tells me it looks like shit. Or even worse, she stands there doing fuck all while I’m doing it and tells me I’m doing it wrong. I was frying onions wrong last night, I literally just walked out of the kitchen and went and joined a teams call. Didn’t even turn the hob off. I could hear her shouting from downstairs “we don’t know how to make this dish you were trying, come back down!!” Then she came upstairs and I shushed her and carried on with my meeting. Next thing she knew, Ubereats showed up - one portion of food just for me. Everyone else had to figure it out for themselves.
My MIL is the same. It's just controlling behaviour imo.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
My ex's mum was similar and it drove me up the wall. You had to keep your eye on her because she'd just start doing things. For example, we invited the family over to watch an England World Cup match. I went to use the toilet at half time and found her on her knees scrubbing the bath. "Come back in half hour. I've just bleached the floor." Yeah, thanks, but I need a piss now. A while later, we're in the last 10 minutes of the match, it's very tense, and she bowls in with the hoover blaring.
That’s psychotic
I'm not a psychiatrist, but I firmly believe she has OCD. She had to keep busy and nothing got in her way. Certainly not personal boundaries.
My dad also emptied out the house of all my mum's things, and a lot of mine and my sister's thing too, when my mum moved into a nursing home, during covid. I never got to save any keepsakes. It made an upsetting situation much worse. It never occurred to him that I might want to keep some of my mum's jewellery or trinkets. And I had no clue he was doing this as I couldn't visit due to covid. My sister also walked past a charity shop and saw a lot of her own items from her childhood bedroom in the shop window.
How can people be so emotionally incompetent?
My MIL is the same! But I can't see it as kindness. It's acts of what in the right circumstances, and if asked for might be kindness, but as you say with your sister, it's done to benefit the person, and overcome their insecurity or whatever and control the situation.
Honesty, she sounds awful! Stomping all over people boundaries, insensitive and interfering and doing things that are really hurtful. She is lucky that you love her, I’m guessing quite a few people avoid her like the plague! Reading your second post, she sounds extremely delusional and narcissistic.
If she can't hear you asking her to stop, then she isn't kind. She's selfish and thoughtless. She's doing what she thinks is right, without reading the room. To be actually kind, you need to consider other people and how they might want to act/or how they feel. And then give them that space. If you bulldoze other people, for your own ends, your a prat, at best and probably a heartless bitch, of you ain't a prat. Your sister isn't leaving room for you, or anyone else. To me, that is heartless. Really callous. She's not the only person grieving. No matter the relationship, you have to give room for others. We all grieve in our own time, on our own timeline and to our own depth. You can lose a parent and resume life asap. You could lose a friend and be sideswiped. At the end of the day, one of us feels.or experience each other the same way. We should all be given the chance to express that love, whenever we feel it.
In the Co-Op the other evening, woman with her young daughter at the self scan next to me has her card declined twice. She gets the guy to take a packet of ham off the bill, and tries again. Declined. Takes the rolls off, so it's just one packet of ham, a loaf of bread, two pints of semi-skimmed and some cheap sweets. She phones someone, on speaker (?) who says (I'm waiting for the man to cancel something that should have shown up as reduced on my bill, btw, hence why I'm still there) "I've transferred all the money I had left, £3.20. That should be enough?" The girl offers to put her sweets back. Breaks my heart, and I don't care whether this is a performance from the Mum or not, it's less than a fiver's worth of stuff, so I offer to pay for it. She is *mortally* offended, and begins a tirade of swearing I've not encountered since I once beeped someone in a BMW X5 for pushing in front me in a McDonald's drive-through queue. "What are you fucking saying? That I can't look after my own family? Fuck off you do-gooding cunt, you mind your own fucking business." etc. I'm still reeling from the whole thing really. Why the whole speakerphone thing if she wasn't at least indirectly asking for help?
>That I can't look after my own family? Clearly
This whole scenario just strikes me as incredibly depressing. Of course she shouldn't have reacted angrily to you trying to help, she's obviously reached breaking point and lashed out, misdirecting anger to you instead of facing her anger at herself (and partner, presumably). It's appalling that people are that close to the breadline (and also so emotionally incontinent that anger is their go-to). Almost reminds me of rescue animals that have never known kindness so bite at the people trying to rescue them. How do we get out of this?
> instead of facing her anger at herself Or the social safety nets that have failed her, more appropriately
Oh how I wish people *would* direct their anger at systemic failures (and actual ideological choices of those in power). Seems impossible to ask people to make that leap though. Maybe I'm thinking in baby steps.
universal imcome? i always feel it's easier to be kind and understanding when your livelihood or dignity isnt at stake
Are you a monk? The fact that you kept your cool after that awful response is quite possibly the best situation of self control I've ever heard 🤣
I may have said something devastatingly sarcastic back. Or just thought of it about half an hour later.
Or 5 hours later, in bed at 1am
"Why the whole speakerphone thing if she wasn't at least indirectly asking for help?" Because there is a certain sort of dickhead who thinks it is cool to hold their phone like a ryvita, and has decided we are all desperate to hear their very important phone conversations. Blame reality TV. The fact she used the C-word in front of a child, her own child in fact, speaks volumes about the sort of person she is. But, good on you for trying to do a good deed.
Love a speakerphone conversation when I'm alone at home, but wouldn't fucking dare do that shit in public, it's weird how common it's gotten. Mind you, is it any different from having a conversation with someone who was physically there? Are *we* the arseholes in this?
No they are definitely the arseholes. They may as well be chanting "I'm the main character. ME ME ME!!!"
Like a Ryvita. That's class
I've done something similar in Lidl once. I was in real rush and person in front of me struggled to pay because all the cards they had kept declining. After fourth attempt, while they were going through their big ass wallet, I've just stepped over, said "Right, let's do it this way" and put my card on the contactless. It was some trivial amount, just couple of quid. Got met with the really snarky "You didn't have to do it you know" to which I've replied that I didn't pay for the goods, I've paid for the time. Like, I don't judge your ability to pay or financial situation, I just wanted to go because that day every minute was allocated. My partner thinks that my response was low key asshole-ish.
I mean it doesn't sound hugely kind to be honest. You may have been doing a good thing but it sounds like you were being passive aggressive because they were taking a long time.
Only because person was stroppy in the first place instead of saying thank you. When I've paid for it, I had a good tone and smile on the face. And then got hit with the "I'm offended because you've paid for me" attitude. At least this is how I see it.
> "Right, let's do it this way" There's no making you sound like the good guy when that's how you approached the situation. Your entire approach was passive aggressive, not just your response to their supposedly snarky comment. More than likely they weren't offended because you paid, they were offended because you didn't ask if they wanted help, interjected and acted as an authority in a situation that was none of your business to begin with and then had the audacity to indirectly say you paid for them not to be nice, but because they were wasting their time. YTA.
It is a bit, lol. It gives "my time is very valuable" vibes. And it might well be, I'm not judging, but it is what it is
That does sound like you did it in a very mean and embarrassing way for them though.
Similar thing happened to me in a club, but I kinda get the negative response because I assume the girl thought I thought she owed me something, but the bar was busy, I had queued for ages. She was fumbling around her back trying to get money out counting coins and I had a £20 note, only one member of staff so I just said "Can I get 2 X and just pay for whatever she's got" and she made some snarky comment like nah you cant buy me or something. Which was funny because I was buying the 2 drinks for me and my girlfriend who was stood right next to me and as soon as I said that, the barmaid started making my drinks rather than waiting for her, because she knew if she just walked away without paying I'd have covered it. She finally finished counting her pennies, gave me the dirtiest look and disappeared.
This reminds me of a really cringey story. I was unable to find a pound for my shopping and I was short so I had to put something back. A woman gave me a pound to pay the extra and I thanked her, but then suddenly I found a pound in my back pocket. I showed her I found it then I left the shop without thinking to give her the pound back. I felt like a total prick.
Don’t let it stop you being a good human. For incredibly proud people who weren’t poor and suddenly are, it’s extremely humiliating and feeling out of control when someone is offering help. I didn’t know how proud and uncomfortable I am with asking for help until life tried me a bit. I wasn’t ever hostile, but I know the feeling. For someone let’s say it… without good manners to start with, it was definitely too much to handle.
Ah, but did you shout at a stranger and call them a cunt for trying to help you, in front of a child? 😁 A "thank you, but no thank you" type response is appropriate when someone is offering help you don't want. I think the woman's hostility is the issue here, not pride.
No, but the way I’d say/express „no thank you” was very awkward/cold and I’d never feel relaxed in their presence which could be taken entirely the wrong way. I was making an effort tho, not to make people feel that way, cause I really appreciated genuine attitude they had towards me, but in ops story, the person „followed their heart” entirely, and they rationalised their insecurities giving themselves permission „it’s not your business, fuck off”. I have no idea why it feels so bad to take help sometimes, but it does. With everything tho, it’s not an excuse, it’s just an observation I had.
Yikes that’s awful. I offered to pay for a couple of guys who were struggling to pay for a couple of very basic food items, they were to the side for ages trying to get some money sorted. I told the woman at the checkout I’ll just pay for it and she acted like I was offering to let them stay at my house and like she can’t get her head around it and with what I can only describe as her trying to hide her disgust. It may not be entirely irrelevant that the men appeared to be immigrants. I wanted it to be discrete and pay and leave without any fuss but she made it into such a huge deal acting like she doesn’t get it, I felt so embarrassed and a manager had to be called. Thankfully he was a normal person who understood I just wanted to do something quick, discrete and kind, but by then the men noticed because of the fuss, they were touched and thankful but insisted I don’t pay and they’ll sort it out. I left embarrassed and don’t know if they did manage to pay for their items.
“No, I’m saying you can’t look after your family AND that you set a bad example to your daughter.”
You know how sometimes when cats get upset about something they'll misdirect their aggression onto their family? Like they'll see another cat outside, get angry and scared, and then bite their human? People are exactly the same.
I can never imagine someone being that offended or mean! I've only been in the UK for 2-3 weeks as a tourist and thought it was the most polite and friendly place in the world. People said sorry because they just barely got into my personal space lol
Complimenting someone's weight loss. Apparently, they've just been ill for weeks. Cheers for that awkward moment.
A general pro tip for everyone - don't mention other people's weight loss or gain. It's not your business. I've previously lost loads of weight.. due to diagnosed Type 2 diabetes. I was getting loads of "You look really good" compliments; but I was close to being hospitalised because of an diagnosed disease. My GP didn't even take me seriously until my weight was diving.
Commenting on someone's body is just a massive no. For this exact reason. Not everyone sees weight loss as a massive achievement either.
"Wow, good job losing that weight" "That'll be the miscarriage"
Yeah this is me right now, I’ve even received this comment. It was early but the emotional stress has taken its toll a bit. Hope you’re okay xx
Reminds me of the most ground swallowing moment of my life. Friend of a friend was pregnant and bumped into her many months later and congratulated her on the birth. She had a frozen smile and just shook her head. My friend hadn’t told me that she’d had a late term miscarriage.
Yeah, "you're looking well!" Leaves the door open for them to mention it if they want. Still a compliment, but a less targeted one.
I think "you're looking well" would still be very awkward if someone had illness-related weight loss.
Yeah my housemate was very very poorly for a while and must have dropped about 2 stone? All her coworkers were gushing at how amazing she looked (e.g. Thin) whereas me and my other housemates were worried sick as she was literally grey and gaunt. Crazy how being thin can be the be all end all for some people when it comes to looks.
If they're recovering, I'm sure it'd be appreciated. Even if someone is very ill, it's still nice to be told you look well. It's never nice to feel like you look really ill when you are
To me it would just feel fake, like they're noticed I look ill and are trying to make me feel better. Just don't mention it
At least it's not offensive. They can always say that's surprising because I've actually been quite poorly. I would hope nobody would say it if someone looks ill and thinner, that's massively tactless. If in doubt, keep your gob shut
My Mum always took "you look well" as a backhanded way of saying "you're looking well fed". Always confused me.
Better than asking when they’re due…
Dunno if this says more about me but every time I see someone rapidly lose weight I assume they've got cancer or they're depressed or something and don't bring it up
So many people told me how good I looked - after I’d been in hospital for a couple of weeks with sepsis and nearly died. It really wasn’t a diet I’d recommend.
Bringing food to someone's house without being asked when invited to dinner. I have friends who are terrible for this - I'll have a lovely 3 course meal planned, and they'll show up with an extra desert, or a salad that doesn't go with the meal. FFS - the societal norm is to bring flowers, wine or chocolate. Do that, and stop fucking up my leftover calculations.
Interesting. I'm usually the one to turn up with extra dessert (usually a homemade cake or biscuits) but I always forewarn the day before. Is this a really big faux pax? A lot of my friends don't drink so it's usually cake and a couple of bottles of posh lemonade when I visit.
Honestly? It depends on your friends, but I do consider this a faux pas. *Slight* pass for checking in the day before, but that still annoys me, because inevitably it's in a tone of "just letting you know!" when I've already been asked if I want them to bring anything and said no! It really depends on the gathering as well - having a bunch of folk over and putting out ham, cheese and bread for folk to snack on? Fine, bring what you like. Serving a three course roast lunch for 6 on Easter Sunday? THERE ISN'T ROOM ANYWHERE IN THE FLAT!!!!
🤣 thanks for the education. I will ask more explicitly in the future and abide.
I mean, your friends may well not care! Please don't let me make this akward for you! I'm just easily irritated :D
>Interesting. I'm usually the one to turn up with extra dessert (usually a homemade cake or biscuits) but I always forewarn the day before. Is this a really big faux pax? There's two scenarios with bringing something to the evening. 1) You bring something over, intended to be used that evening. For example "I brought some wine for us all!". 2) Your bring something over as a gift for the host, which they could choose to use to use that evening, but don't have to. For example "We brought you both a bottle of wine to say thanks!" If you arrived at my house with some home made biscuits and said "I brought you and your partner some biscuits" I would say thanks and put them away for later. If you came over and said "I brought some home made biscuits to have after dinner" I'd think that was quite presumptious. Same for wine. For all you know I've picked out 3 bottles of wine to match the meal I've made. On the other hand if you bring me a bottle of wine as a gift, I would drink the one I picked out for the evening first and if your wine matches the meal say "hey shall we drink X persons wine next?".
Thanks for the notes! Out of interest, what age group are you in? I'm wondering if this might be a generation gap/ life stage thing. I'm in my late 20s, only just starting to do proper "dinners" at home with friends in the last few years. Maybe it's a spill over of bring-your-own-booze culture as most of us are still living skint semi-studenty lifestyles in London despite having graduated most of a decade ago. Hosting a big dinner is an expensive task, so it was very common to offer to bring things like dessert so the host didn't have to cook/pay for everything. Just slowly growing out of it.
Yes, I’m wondering if it’s an age thing too. Also in my late 20s in London and it’s very normal for the guest to bring the desert whilst giving a heads up by offering or saying they’ll bring something. Also, I think advanced discussion of the menu as a whole is more prevalent in our age group due to veganism/vegetarianism/gluten free dietary requirements being more commonplace.
Oh you might be onto something! I'm actually gluten free and have been for a decade so I used to always feel bad about the extra hassle for the hosts and would also offer to make gluten free dessert as it used to be a lot harder to get a decent result when the flours weren't as good as they are now. Maybe that's how this whole thing began for me.
I'm almost 40 and what you're doing is fine. Firstly, I assume your friends aren't hosting elaborate 3 course dinner parties with a carefully crafted accompanying wine flight, and I'm sure you'd be aware of it if they were. Secondly, if I had made dessert for everyone and then they turned up with another dessert, you know what I'd do? I'd bloody well serve them both, and everyone could enjoy whichever they wanted. If I'd already opened wine to breathe and they turned up with a bottle, you know what I'd say? 'Oh, I've already opened some, just pop that on the side in case we run out.' Your friends would need to be disturbingly uptight to take offence at this.
>Out of interest, what age group are you in? I'm wondering if this might be a generation gap/ life stage thing. I'm in my mid-thirties, but I also knew this like growing up. While I like to not be reminded of my own mortality and age, I don't think our ages are that different. I also live in London, but I'm not from here originally, and same goes for all my friends, so I don't think it's regional. >Maybe it's a spill over of bring-your-own-booze culture as most of us are still living skint semi-studenty lifestyles in London despite having graduated most of a decade ago. Hosting a big dinner is an expensive task, so it was very common to offer to bring things like dessert so the host didn't have to cook/pay for everything. Ultimately it depends on the friendship group right? Like if all your friends do it to each other when you go around, then it's fine because all of you understand the intent there. It just comes down to sort of presumption. Like if you turn up with a cake, and I have gone and bought/made a cake for dessert, you're basically putting me in a position where I either don't serve yours, or I do and then my time/effort went to waste. Whereas if you said "hey, want me to make a cake for dessert and bring it over?" that's not rude because I can say no (and save your time) or say yes (and not waste mine). If your friends basically already have a convetion that the host doesn't make dessert though then obviously it's no issue. Ultimately just ask beforehand if the host wants you to bring anything if you're in doubt. Worst they say is "no, all is good thanks"
I often bring dessert, but I ask first. "Shall I make a dessert?" then they can say yes or no. I can also ask about dietary requirements and stuff as well then too.
Bro this isn't come dine with me, drink all the wine and eat the biscuits if you fancy. It isn't that deep.
If you said it a 5+ days in advance, then I wouldn't mind. If you're saying it a day in advance, then I've already bought the ingredients, and I would be irritated.
I think it depends a lot on the type of meal. If it's a quite informal thing, or the hosts have put on a bit of a buffet, I think it's fine to bring stuff. If it's a more structured meal with courses that might have been carefully selected to compliment each other, I can see it being a bigger issue. That said, I think you bringing biscuits should be fine for any occasion - they can be nibbled as an after-dinner snack, while everyone is sitting around having coffee or whatnot, and any that are left over the hosts can enjoy as a "thank you for inviting me" gift over the next few days.
I’ve always bought food as gifts when we’re invited to other peoples homes. I’m Asian so it’s common to do so. But I never expect it to be included in the meal. I mean, usually it’s a box of Indian sweets, baklava or similar.
Box of sweets is fine - they can either be put out with coffee or kept till later (and baklava would definitely be hoarded away till later!). It's not inherently edible gifts I object to, it's the presumption of bringing something that needs to be served with dinner, mucking up my plans that I object to.
You need new friends. Let me know your address, and I will personally pop over to eat your lovely 3 course meal. As an added bonus, I won't bring anything extra with me.
I was guilty of this once, now I'm very wary of doing it again. I was invited to a birthday party so I said I'd bring some cakes. I baked some brownies and cupcakes and took them along. The host forgot about my offer and everyone ate my bakes rather than the massive cake they'd ordered.
Saw a woman struggling with a pram to get it up a flight of stairs, so I asked her, "Do you need a hand?" She turned around and said,"I have a boyfriend. " ....was like, sorry, what???? If I see women struggling in the gym I feel like I can't go ask if they need help because they'll think I'm coming on to them, I have been asked for help a few times in there though to put weights back or unlock some equipment that's annoying etc.
Please don’t stop asking women with prams if they need help. I wouldn’t get anywhere if it wasn’t for kind men helping me off buses & trains… it’s getting to the point I just see a man and expect it lol. Please don’t let her put you off! There’s normal married mothers out there that appreciate the help
When my kids were younger i opened my mouth and asked the nearest person, male or female, and 10/10 everyone always helps. Usually on stairs. There are many times however i preferred to DIY and will refuse help. This is because i had a double buggy and it was actually easier/safer to tip it slightly and get off backwards buses and trams myself.
A guy asked me recently if I needed help getting the pram down safely off a high kurb. I said no its okay no worries. He was with his family & wife and had a huge smile on his face. We spoke a short while and I told him to have a great day in front of his family. I know his kids will take on his positive behaviours. What a lovely guy! I do hope he has the best day, what a pleasant kind man. Its very rare.
Don't worry, outside the gym I do help a lot of people. I've helped one lady around the corner from my house who felt outside her house taking the bins out managed to get her back up and took her bins out for her. 2 weeks ago I had to carry an old man around 30 meters home because his legs gave out, he said it was from arthritis and refused to allow an ambulance to be called annoying and if I see someone needing a hand out and about I will help. In the gym is a different story tho I'm afraid, never know when someone is recording or if anyone thinks you're a creep lol
Your first example - that's on her for being a dreadful cynic.
You’re obviously an approachable nice dude if women ask you to help put equipment away. I only get asked by other men so I must look like a right pervert or something.
Or you pierced the wrong ear.
Haha, I knew I should have gone for the left ear!
"I assumed one must have been involved at some point"
I’m a gym girl, I sometimes wish guys would offer me a quick spot sometimes, especially on my shoulder press. Happened for the first time the other day actually, I was trying to explain to my mum how to help me get my first rep up and the guy next to us offered to spot me, made me feel like I really had to get it up to not look daft haha and really appreciated it!
Sorry but we can't if I'm honest, there's too many women calling men creeps for asking if they want help in the gym (just need to watch Joey Swole to realise that) I know it's not the majority of women but still. I've given women a spot before, but they have to ask me, which I'm perfectly fine with. I've also had to step in after a woman didn't ask for a spot and got pinned underneath the bench press....because she didn't ask for a spot, obviously if it's a situation where someone is going to get hurt then I'll act
Joey Swole specifically curates annoying gym influencer behaviour. It’s entertaining rage bait but it’s not representative of how the vast majority of people behave in the gyms.
Same here! I think women are scared of offering to spot each other too in my experience.
Yeah to be fair I’ve never offered to spot anyone either though majority of people in my gym are probably stronger than I am haha. I just keep to myself unless I see someone doing something that could hurt them, stopped to advise a lady on the leg press once as she was fully extending her legs and her knees looked ready to snap.
It’s good to offer help, though that comment from her was nothing to do with you in that moment. It was most likely to do with the type of everyday interactions women frequently deal with from men hitting on them.
I’m not going to judge her on why she behaved like that, she could just be an uppity bitch or she could have some past trauma that she’s dealing with and trying to protect herself from. But please don’t stop offering to help. A kind man helped carry my enormous heavy suitcase up the stairs at a train station and I was *with* my boyfriend at the time (who had a huge suitcase of his own). It’s just human to human help and it’s always better to offer and not need it, than someone needs it and no one’s offering.
Maybe she thought you meant did she need a hand raising the baby 😂 I do imagine it's hard as a man to know when to offer help, I think the best thing is to just make yourself come across as approachable and if a woman needs your help she will ask.
There’s a guy at the gym I go to who often helps me take my plates off the bar after heavy sets. They can be so awkward to get off so I so appreciate it!!
Do not, under any circumstances, help your friends out financially unless you are prepared to lose the relationship.
Or become viewed as their personal piggy bank. My wife has been giving money to a school friend who is "in hard times". Never hears a word outside of the desperation messages of no money, no food etc. Then sees a fucking facebook post the other day saying she's in he airport about to fly off on holiday. Few days later gets another message pleading that she's at death's door, poverty, no money for food. She replied "where are you" - nothing back. Week or so later, another begging post. If someone has no one else to help them out, it's not being a bad person to wonder why.
Or the money.
My father always said it's a gift, not a loan. If you get any money back, it is a pleasant surprise.
It hadn't even occurred to me that anyone would expect money back if they are helping out a friend.
Sometimes friends ask to borrow money from each other but it never ends well.
Depends on the amount
Maybe they were quite embarrassed by the mug and your cleaning made that realise other people have noticed
Traditional teapots should only ever be rinsed and not washed. If you don't have milk, they could be building up the "flavour." Traditionally, a well-used teapot is considered seasoned, not dirty. Maybe they were actually annoyed you scrubbed off their seasoning... like if you were to take a scouring pad to a cast iron pan.
Doesn't apply to a dirty mug surely? I'm an avid tea drinker but I could never imagine just leaving the shit in the bottom to just...fester
I think maybe they hadn't thought about it either way and then someone cleaning it made them feel self-conscious about being perceived as dirty.
Seems weird you'd mess with their mug tbh. Yes, they were probably embarrased, and while possibly good-intentioned, it was really unnecessary. Leave them alone FFS. In my workplace, I mind my own business and don't touch other people's belongings.
As a young man I rented a room in a house. My landlord's partner decided one day when I was out at work that she would go and clean my room. Massive invasion of privacy. I chewed them out over that but they didn't understand that the room was out of bounds to them.
My father used to tidy my room suddenly without telling me but he has a habit of throwing shit out that I want to keep. He threw out a loop pedal from a guitar, Pokemon cards, records from the 60s…
To be honest, any act done towards someone suspicious of your intentions, not communicated well or to someone bringing their own insecurities/shitty circumstances towards it can be taken the wrong way. You did nothing wrong and I can understand the thought behind it but if certain colleagues of mine did that I might think the same. That's a me problem though.
The cleaners always pick my mug and glass off my desk and put it in the sink for the fairies (office manager) to clean. So I get a bollocking from the office manager for leaving stuff in the sink, and my mug, which didn't need cleaning, is now not where I want it to be
Put them in your drawer/cupboard overnight
I was in New York sat around by the Hudson on a pier which has bars and restaurants etc. There was a couple who were struggling to take a photo of themselves and seemed like they were looking over to me. I asked them if they wanted a photo (offering to take the photo for them). The guy immediately got very aggressive and said "I don't want a photo but how about a fight?". Confused I just walked away into a different part of the pier. In hindsight maybe he thought I was saying sarcastically "does he want a photo of me" as they were looking in my direction while taking their photo.
This reminds me of being in a pub when a woman came across from her group of loud girls table and asked "Have you got a problem with me? Why are you staring at me?" She looked very embarrassed when we pointed out she was sitting beneath the chalkboard menu and we were deciding what to order.
I feel like the fact that so many men are willing to beat the shit out of you over nothing if you’re a guy isn’t talked about enough. I think male violence should be taken more seriously than it is because, if there’s a group of people who catcall, harass women or attack them, then it’s probably these pricks who are willing to attack men at the drop of a hat. Deal with them and the issues with women being harassed go away, too.
I am that guy who will ALWAYS offer the elderly to carry their bags, suitcases and whatnot up the stairs. But I also look half Latino/half Middle Eastern, so my good intentions are not always received as one would expect...
I imagine sometimes it's also a case of the person not facing up to the fact that they are perceived as 'old.' I have had similar when I had offered a seat to people on public transport. In their eyes they're probably much younger than how old others (and maybe reality) think they are
My wife was talking to a couple i'm an acquaintance of in the pub. As i walked over, my wife beamed at me and said "Sarah and Mark have some great news!" I looked at Sarah's belly, wagged my finger at it and said "OH my god! Congratulations! When are you due?!" My wife's face dropped as she said "Sarah and Mark have just got *engaged*!" I apologised profusely. Mark found it HILARIOUS saying "He thinks you're *pregnant*!" and after a couple of seconds she laughed as well. I wished the ground to swallow me up, but learned a valuable lesson.
One that is quite a hot button topic in the gaming communities is giving new players a bunch of free stuff in multiplayer games. On the surface it seems like a genuinely nice thing to do, but it turns out it can really hamper people's enjoyment of the game in the long term as it can cause the early (and what some people consider most fun) period of the game where you have to make meaningful choices with your resources to slowly "level-up" your character to be completely bypassed.
I completely back this logic. I remember as a kid starting runescape and my friend was insanely deep into it, so he just gave me a bunch of shit. It was boring as fuck. I just breezed through everything and I thought the game sucked as a result.
I once offered my seat on the tube to a pregnant lady. She wasn't pregnant. Fortunately I had offered in a subdued manner, I hadn't pointed at her stomach and shouted "BABY!!! YOU WANT SEAT?". My partner was on the ball and loudly told me "you're a gentleman, but you really don't need to offer your seat to EVERY lady who is standing!". Took me a second to realise. Thankfully Mrs D's comment meant I didn't have to offer my seat to every lady after that. She still takes the piss out of me about it, though.
Mrs Donkmeister?
Yes. She realised my mistake, fortunately!
A man helping a lost child, iv had to do it a few times and even though you just want to ensure the child is safe theres always a concern for peoples opinion
A close friend of mine went through a bad break up and lost his job in the same week. His ex missus ditched him for another guy and just upped and moved out and in with the new guy leaving him with 2 kids. He had some savings but it was just enough to get bills paid for the next few months till he found work again. I have been mates with him for over 20 years at this point so went out and bought him some shopping and put £200 in a envelope to give him so he could have some spare cash in case him or the kids needed something. Well I it in the ear off him saying he did not need charity and that he will sort things himself even if that means going into debt. I know he was struggling so just said ok and left. About a year later we spoke again and he apologised for the way he acted and could see I just wanted to help. Since then I have not tried to help anyone in that way again
I was in my engineering block a girl was struggling to loosen an allen key screw, I went over and begun to ask "do you need a hand?" to which she angrily responded she didn't need any help. Presumably because she thought I was questioning her strength, I wasn't, it was a left handed thread. She was continuously tightening the screw even more. I left her to it.
I ‘left’ her to it. Brilliant
It does seem to happen quite often in engineering. Had my head bitten off a couple of times by one woman I work with for helping her the exact same way I’d help male colleagues. So I it stopped trying. I wasn’t the only one she was quite sharp to react with to any help either.
Eh, when you've spent a significant number of years surrounded by microaggressions from men who think they're better than you it's understandable that genuine offers of help can be taken as further condescension.
You could have lead with that.
Compliments, some people take them too personally and get the wrong idea, others get paranoid that you’re mocking them.
One thing I noticed when I worked over in America is you can give people compliments and they take them quite sincerely. Some Brits can be funny about them though.
I'd say sarcasm plays an obvious part in this. It's like the thing where the same swear word can mean everything from you're best mates to they're someone you'd like dead and many steps in between.
I was 18 and in my first job, a pretty informal call centre sales role. There were two teamleaders for the new starters and the one I didn't have, was a reasonably attractive woman a few years older than me at the time. One day I come in and she's wearing these super-flowery green and yellow trousers. I say "cool trousers name!" and walk past her to go log on. It was a genuine passing compliment, they were exactly my type of thing and they were pretty unique. I got called into HR for checking out her ass and despite defending myself vehemently, I still left with a verbal warning. I never bothered to speak to her again.
Thats awful! How did that even become a verbal warning I feel like if you had said nice ass it wouldn’t get to verbal (assuming you deny it) as these things are hard to prove That’s so shitty
Tbh HR were just mediating and that was the middle ground we settled on. I remember at one point they asked if I looked at her ass maybe in passing rather than fully ogled or whatever, and I was like "her trousers are on the bottom half of her body, obviously to notice the trousers, I looked at the bottom half of her body." That was kinda taken as a semi-ommission of guilt and we chalked it up to largely being a miscommunication
Asking someone if they're OK in a very emotionally heightened situation. A few days back I asked a woman quietly if she was okay after she had been shouted at by someone who I presumed was her boyfriend. While I only asked her after he'd wandered off, he came back and he got more mouthy as a result. While I know I shouldn't have intervened incase my effort was taken the wrong way, I don't regret doing it.
We have a toddler. I’m a SAHM (not a housewife) and my husband works long hours. Whenever my in-laws look after the cat when we go away they deep clean the house. I understand the gesture. But ask first before you deep clean the oven and clean the windows. The house is as tidy as it can be with a toddler. We’re not living in filth. But as kind as they are, they make us feel like we are 😅
Wow, I wish my inlaws would look after my dog and deep clean the house! Can we have a swap? (Only temporarily, because I am quite fond of my in-laws overall)
We look after their cats too so it’s a mutually beneficial thing. They always say they do it because they do the same when they visit my husbands brother. However he’s 350miles away so they don’t get to support them physically much. I don’t need my oven trays replacing or the inside of my air fryer cleaning whilst I’m on holiday 😅
Fair enough! To be honest, I couldn't have their bouncy labradores in my house, so I wouldn't be returning the favour, lol! If it is something you have asked them not to do I can see how that could be annoying though!
They’ve done it twice. We come home shocked and a bit affronted. Then they go all apologetic and remorseful and we ignore it. 😅
As the saying goes 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_road_to_hell_is_paved_with_good_intentions
A friend had a ‘sniffy’ which was a corner of a blanket she had from a child. She used to wrap it round her thumb when she sucked her thumb for comfort. Grubby as hell so I stuck it in the washing machine. She has never forgiven me because now it doesn’t smell the same
Worked at a little company, I was in the office (of about 20 people in various departments, but mostly women) we were all working on some stupid deadline, in the heat with an air con that wasn't working properly. We hit it, big success, big team effort from everyone. Sales manager convinced the big boss to give her some money to say thank you to the **whole team**". Bought back 20 bunches of flowers. Most of the women on staff loved them, some of the guys seemed to like them too. The rest of us guys felt a little forgotten about, it was a nice enough gesture but the sales manager clearly only thought about her team. One of the younger guys, asked if the flowers were for the guys too? (A little incredulously maybe.) Sales manager told him, *well he could give it to his girlfriend or his mother would appreciate them.* The guy was painfully single and lost his mother a few years back. Killed the mood as everyone else knew and the manager was being a bit of a bitch about it.
My mate kicked off about exactly the same thing. Some people just don’t like others messing with their stuff. I guess they’re quite capable of cleaning a mug but they’ve made a choice not to. Their choice after all.
Sometimes (often?) it's not so much the what as the how. Like if you're an uber extrovert bull in a china shop type, who thinks what works for you is how things work for everyone - don't try to help people. Unless they have no other options. And to be clear, being left the fuck alone IS an option. Although now I think of it, the what in those cases can also be half the problem. Sometimes it's best to leave people alone as you're potentially not the hero you think you are. The mug thing sounds more like bad timing though.
My nan has sciatica that is basically making her right leg unusable, but she will take even the gentlest of nudges towards doing her physio as a personal attack akin to implying she's incapable of independence. Also, I've often offered to help smaller/older people than myself who look to be struggling with a physical task to be met with an indignance that suggests I implied they were incapable.
Holding a door open for a woman who thinks very highly of herself and that I must be doing it to get her attention. I had a few too many of these so I've just stopped other than if they're elderly or have a small child/baby with them, the looks on their faces now brings me a bit of joy. Bitch, I'm just being nice and I'm gay so there is no chance you'd get that sort of attention from me.
"I tidied it away for you" (but actually you just hid something I had out for a reason) "I made you a cup of tea/some food" (but you made it in a way I don't like it) As for the dirty mug thing, when the tea strain is thick enough it comes off really easily, also it's not really dirt, it's just tea, also it stops other people using/touching my mug.
Same happened to me. Years ago I lived in a shared house, was doing dishes and saw a cup that was mahogany brown inside, so scrubbed the grime off the inside and put it away. Next day my housemate is kicking off because she was working "really hard" to let that tea "infuse" with the flavour of years of black tea. rank. But an act of kindness that was taken the wrong way that i've never understood: I was in WHSmith once in my youth and a woman infront of me was asking for 1st class stamps. The cashier said "We have no first class stamps" the woman was really stressed by this saying "I really need a first class stamp now, second class won't do". I proceed to tap her on the shoulder and say "I have 3 first class stamps left in this stamp book I have in my wallet, you can have them, I don't need them". She stared at me like I had broken into her house and pissed on her dog and stormed off. They were free stamps.
This kinda thing is always projection. They obviously have a worry about being judged, and so immediately assume that is what you were doing
The buildup of tea tannins is like the seasoning on a cast iron frying pan, by cleaning it off you make their tea taste different!
Okay this isn't quite the same but whenever someone lets me out at a junction that isn't too busy, like the end of my street, I get really annoyed. I can't see them waving at me behind my A pillar and the sun reflecting off their windscreen. There's two cars behind you and then I can go, just keep driving
Offering someone who looks pregnant a seat...but turns out they're not pregnant.
When I was in my early teens I'd got out of my Mum's car one day to get the pay and display ticket. Being a young teen I hadn't read the highway code yet and didn't know that pedestrians have priority once they start to cross a pedestrian crossing. Just after I'd started onto a crossing on my way to get the ticket, a car suddenly appeared, going quite quickly for a carpark, up to the crossing and stopped. I assumed the driver was in a hurry so thinking I was being nice I hopped back off the crossing and gestured for her to go fast, as I wasn't in as much of a hurry. She sat there for a few seconds glaring at me then mouthed 'bitch' at me as she drove off. Its wasn't until I was learning to drive and studied the highway code a few years later that I understood why she did that.
One day I was waiting for my bus to work in awful weather. A car stopped by the bus stop and the driver, a man I had never seen before, said "Would you like a lift into work? I've seen you arriving at your office before so I know you work near to me." It was probably meant kindly but I found it creepy. I said no, thanks but no thanks. I hid behind the bus stop sign if I saw him driving past from then on.
I used to go to my grandads when I went on holiday and clean up his place. Turns out he wanted it 'dusty' etc so I didn't do it again!
At Tesco a lady asked if she can have my trolley for a pound. So she started looking for a pound, was struggling for a hot minute. It got awkward so i just waved off and said its fine don’t worry about it 😊 And her face looked so embarrassed and said “oh no i didn’t mean it like that!” Like she was asking for charity haha
My dad is 88 and his house is minging. I always offer to clean but he always says, no I’ll do it and never does and gets annoyed with me. My friend won’t have a cuppa round there anymore!
Checking someone's prostate.
I had a favourite tea mug once; it was all brown on the inside and tea drunk from it was delicious. My mother in law scrubbed it clean when I wasn't there and I never quite forgave her. She was French, so I thought perhaps she just didn't understand tea or something, but it was still a liberty.
My area of work is probably one of the few where you can say to someone “I hope we never see you again” and it not be a dickish thing to say. But when you bump into a former patient in the highstreet and forget you’re not in uniform, earwigging old women can take it the wrong way. “You don’t have to be so nasty, that’s an awful thing to say!”
Buying your friends sister a new bra that is her exact size
Woah woah woah. You washed an Englishmans tea mug? Off with your head!
Many things can be misinterpreted.
I don't have an example but I don't clean my work mug because I like it that way, the coffee tastes nicer (probably placebo but whatever it works for me), and weirdly I just kinda like the gritty tactile sensation of stirring a coated mug over a smooth one. If somebody cleaned it I'd be irritated because A: I like it that way for a reason, B: You've touched my stuff. C: How do I know your hands were clean when you did it. Yes some of you will think I'm gross but I've been doing this 15 years and never been ill from it. The boiling water kills any germs I'm sure.
Theyre very good points actually
Holy shit, you \*CLEANED SOMEONE'S CUP\*? Are you INSANE? I did that once. NEVER again. They were so pissed off.
I am an owner of a death mug. I would be offended if someone cleaned it in the same way I get offended when my mum starts scrubbing random surfaces in my house. It isn't yours. To answer the question, I find any act of kindness from an attractive woman can be taken by men as flirting.
Punching a wasp off someone’s cheek.
My mum cleaned my fridge one day and threw my garlic out coz it looked off to her, it wasn’t. I love cooking and went to get my garlic that I needed and it was gone I was so angry lol
Holding the door open for too long.
Tea stains aren't really dirt if that's all it was.
My mother in law recently started helping out at the local RNLI cleaning and stuff. She was telling us how for Christmas someone had given them all mugs with their names on and that the first time she washed up one of them had a mug “that didn’t look like he’d ever cleaned it”. I was just opening my mouth to say “oh he’s one of those people that like to build up a tannin patina is he” when she said that she’d had to bleach and scour it to get it clean. I wonder how serious an enemy she’s made and when she’ll realise.
Always ask. Nothing worse than having it tampered with in your absence. I appreciate it- but only if I'm asked first