If you are someone who has experienced sexual harassment or assault and wish to speak with a trained professional about it, these hotlines and organizations can listen to your experiences and make referrals to counselors and support groups to the extent of your comfort.
**Global Resources**
**RAINN**: https://www.rainn.org/ 24/7 Crisis support for victims/survivors of sexual assault. Over the phone or through instant messaging. If your country is not listed below, you can contact RAINN to be referred to a local organization.
**US:**
**Crisis Text Line**: https://www.crisistextline.org/ You can text 741-741 24/7 from any cell phone in the United States to be anonymously connected to a trained crisis counselor. They also have anonymous Facebook messenger and Kik options if you do not have access to a cell phone.
**One in Six**: http://1in6.org An organization for male-identified survivors of sexual assault. Provides anonymous individual and group counseling 24/7 through online chat functions
**National Domestic Violence Hotline**: http://www.thehotline.org Provides 24/7 anonymous crisis and counseling support over the phone, and anonymous online chat crisis and counseling support from 7am until 2am Central Time
**Anti-Violence Project**: https://avp.org/ Provides 24/7 anonymous phone based crisis and counseling for LGBTQ identified victims of assault and violence, including sexual assault and violence. Based in New York but can refer nationwide
**DoD Safe Helpline**: https://www.safehelpline.org/ Provides 24/7 phone and online chat based crisis and counseling for victims of sexual assault and harassment serving in the military, or who are employed by the Department of Defense.
**Canada**
Canada's crisis hotlines are organized by province and subject matter, here is a comprehensive list of hotlines and organizations. http://www.dawncanada.net/issues/issues/we-can-tell-and-we-will-tell-2/crisis-hotlines/
**UK**
**Rape Crisis England & Wales**: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ Provides online resources 24/7 and live support over the phone in the afternoons and evenings.
**SupportLine**: http://www.supportline.org.uk/ Provides online resources 24/7 and live support over the phone during the day and evening.
**Europe**
**Rape Crisis Network Europe**: https://www.rcne.com/ Provides online resources and live support for anyone living in Europe
**Australia**
**1800respect**: https://www.1800respect.org.au and their phone number, 1800 737 732.
**Kids Helpline**: https://www.www.kidshelpline.com.au for people under 25 also 1800 55 1800
**India**
Try here http://www.ncw.nic.in/helplines or one of the numbers listed here may be able to help you.
**For any country not listed, you can contact RAINN (mentioned above) to be put in touch with local organizations.**
I'm 47. The earliest of those examples occurred when I was 14 and the last when I was in my early 20s. There are a lot of people out there who make terrible and abusive partners, and many of those examples are from the same few partners I dated as a teen.
If someone was having sex with my body at a time when I did not want to have sex, I can tell you that all of the reasons that it was happening were negative for me. There has never in my life been any neutral or positive reason for me to have sex that I didn't want to have.
I've had sex with my husband before when I'm really not in the mood. When it's been a while we tend to get off sync. My husband is very touchy feely. He starts to get a little colder. He doesn't do it on purpose, he's not coercing me. But sometimes for me it's "oh it's been a while" sex, not "oh, I want to bang" sex.
I really feel this. My husband’s libido is low (mine is relatively low too so it’s not too much of an issue), but he just doesn’t like being touched almost at all. I’m a very touchy person, love skin on skin if it’s just hand holding, a hug, a kiss. But sometimes I’ll have sex because I want his touch, not so much the sex, from him.
Felt like I was expected to
Felt like I wasn't allowed or supposed to want to stop past a certain point
Thought penetration was owed, even though I didn't really enjoy it, because that's what the guys liked
It was easier that dealing with the guilt tripping or moodiness if I said no
Felt like I "owed" it to my partner because it had been so long
Felt like it was the only thing I was "good for"
I'm in a much better place now. But these were some of the many many reasons in my younger years
It was easier to say "yes" than to continually have my "no" be worn down. He was nicer to me when I gave him what he wanted... It was his house and I was afraid if I said no, we would break up and I would have nowhere else to live. I thought I had a "good" one because he didn't call me awful names, beat me, or throw me around.
Still consent though.
Mostly I get in the mood after the first attempts of making out. Like lighting the spark! So when my bf comes along I roll with it and check out for myself if Im in the mood. Sometimes its not working that well so I go along with it at times. So we hit it off without really feeling it if he is very enthusiatic about. Normally I just tell my partner Im not feelin it and we stop.
But its nothing bad since I enjoy being close to him in general. The sex part is more something I don’t gain benefit from in this situation but nothing bad at all.
Because I thought he’d want to commit as in be in a relationship. If I didn’t he’d move on to someone else who was ready sooner. This doesn’t work ladies and gentlemen, so then I felt dumb and used in the end 🤷♀️
Kinda grew up being taught that a man’s happiness is more important than my own. So when he really wanted to penetrate me after I told him I wasn’t ready and he kept on pushing me, kept on asking, pleaded, my resolve gave out because I felt like I was being a bad person for saying no.
So yeah … it was horrible.
I’m really sorry to read how many people ITT have experienced coercion
But to answer the question since I’m here, I once woke up to my ex girlfriend riding me. It was very much the beginning of the end of our relationship
pressure, not directly from him, but in my head, because i knew we weren’t anything but friends with benefits and we’d spent a few hours together in the day for it to have not ended in sex. i knew that’s what he wanted, and i didn’t want him to think i was a prude or frigid.
I'm demisexual but I didn't know that's a thing until my mid 20ies.
All i knew is that seemingly THE ENTIRE WORLD is obsessed with sex and that people who don't have any are losers.
So I decided to have sex to NOT feel like a loser. I didn't like it.
Decided to "fake it till you make it". But the more I tried the more it just felt gross. Men or women did not make a difference.
Then I read about asexuality, it clicked, I stopped trying and accepted that I'll never like sex.
I later learned that I'm actually demisexual.
So essentially I don't like sex except for sometimes under very specific, unpredictable circumstances with one specific person. And it takes me ~6months to find out if I want sex with that person. Which really sucks.
I would force myself to have sex with my ex husband every so often because otherwise he’d get really short and snippy with our kids, and they didn’t deserve that.
Wasn’t super into sex because he was basically like a third child and it lasted foreeeeever (think an hour give or take of thrusting, ouch).
I was assaulted by a 'friend' when I was not in a fit state to consent.
He took advantage of me. No, I didn't report him but I did confront him after the fact. I've made sure people in our community know what a scumbag he is, as he does the whole 'matey laddy harmless dude' persona. After speaking to a few people's it's clear I'm not the only person he's hurt. Alas he is the kind of guy who backpedals, blames it on his mental health, blames it on addiction, blames it on this and that and basically everything to avoid accountability.
Luckily his actions are catching up with him and people are gradually starting to get wise to his shitty, erratic and selfish behaviour.
Been over sexualized from a young age bc I always had bigger boobs. Most times I’m like “i’m not in the mood today” and they say: i’ll get you in the mood so I just give in to get it over with and mostly because of fear of “if i don’t do it, they’ll leave me”
My ex was pretty manipulative about it. He would cry if I said no he'd complain that I wasn't attracted to him anymore or didn't love him, and would essentially guilt me into it. Most of the time I just did it so I didn't have to deal with him being so emotional about it but it ended up becoming a massive chore because he wanted it every day, multiple times a day and if I said no even once it was straight to 'you don't love me anymore.'
Very glad I got away from that relationship..
Because I knew it will end fast so better to have it once rather than seeing him worried about me.
When I want some time alone he gets worried if something is troubling me. Well he is a sweet guy but sometimes all I want is time alone.
It was the same day my brother died, and I was stuck at a music festival in a tent with my ex. He woke me up after I finally got to sleep and wanted sex. I let it happen so I could grieve in peace without an argument.
I'm asexual. Everyone kept telling me I wouldn't know what I liked until I tried it (friends and family not people I tried dating). I tried it. Did not like. Please stop giving people this advice.
I often do it when I’m not in the mood, or rather often start before I get into the mood. I always end up enjoying myself and I like the intimacy even if it’s just a quicky.
I don’t. I never have. I have very firm boundaries and no issues enforcing them. (I recognize that sexual assault has nothing to do with boundaries, I’m just talking about coercion or pressure or whining…).
I know this makes me incredibly privileged and puts me in a minority of women.
Most common reasons for me:
* Felt pressure to do so (either from the person or the situation or both) and didn’t feel able to say no
* Thought I might start wanting it after it started, but didn’t
* Was depressed/panicky and needed validation/comfort
In a LTR just to get rid of his whining.
While dating I needed some affection… no need for sex but most people once you get physically close sex is ‘expected’
I know all wrong reasons to have sex. But when you desire closeness and the almost only way to get it is sex…. I have sex 🥴
Because my partner was in the mood when I wasn’t. Same way they do it for me when they’re not in the mood. I’m single now but most my relationships were like this. We took care of each others needs even if one of us wasn’t really feeling it. Didn’t happen often though
Wow reading all of this is crazy, but also I am happy/sad that I’m not the only person to have done this. It was so easy to have sex when I didn’t want to but my ex did and was whining about it. Now I’m with a stable, understanding man and even though it pains me to not give him sex so often, he always stops when I don’t want to because he feels the difference. After so many times I made myself be persuaded I feel like I abused myself in the end and where did that get me..
I wasn't really in the mood but he asked nicely and pointed out that we wouldn't have another opportunity for a couple weeks, so I agreed.
He took his time and got me in the mood and it was good :)
Because sometimes my husband or I aren't in the mood but we both want to take care of each other's sexual needs/desires. We both feel it is our duty to take care of each other, but we also both have to right to say no or to initiate sex and we do. I'm thankful to have a safe relationship where I can express my desires and also reserve the right to say no.
* Due to CPTSD I have a "freeze" response to scary situations. While this can help to not escalate violence, it is not a useful way to avoid sexual assault.
* Social pressure as a lesbian to validate literally everyone with my body. (30-60 year old non-transition AMAB folks who identify as NB or "male lesbians" or "teenage lesbians" threatened to kill themselves if my underage self didn't have sex with them. I was 14-17 during this time and our whole friend group bullied me into giving them a chance since "sexuality is fluid" and "gender isn't real". Note: these weren't trans women, but adult pedos taking advantage of the system.)
* Got kicked out of home for being gay as a kid and needed a place to stay.
* He was stronger than me and not listing to "no" and "stop".
* He had a knife.
I wanted the argument between me and my then-husband to just stop. I was exhausted with how much we argued. We were both just fucked up people who triggered each other constantly.
Honestlyyyy…to get it over with. I wanted to at first and it got boring lmao. Could’ve easily stopped but he was close so I let him have that one. It was the first and last time I had sex with that guy. Not very good but I let him think he was.
I didn’t feel like there was a way for me to say no. It was a hookup situation with the entire point being to sleep together. He was very weird and unsettling when he showed up and I just didn’t feel like I could tell whether he’d react badly to me changing my mind. Sometimes you just have to disassociate to get through it.
It was after I had the baby. My libido took a hit and my husband was very kind and supportive. He would never impose himself on me and that too put pressure on me. I was in debt to his kindness and I felt the pressure to do it so I would do it once a week or once in two weeks.
We’re okay now. More than okay I’d say. And he deserves it for all his support and kindness.
Sometimes it just felt like it was easier to get it over and done with so I didn’t have to deal with the “pressure” (I only put it in “” because idk if it came from myself or the other person). But just so I could leave or go to sleep sometimes
I have not done this in my current relationship. I never felt pressured to. I have always wanted it 100% every single time.
In my previous marriage, I did it so he wouldn't pout. So he'd be in a good mood. So he'd leave me alone for a while.
Fear. Obligation. Guilt. Shame. Feeling sorry for him when he pouted. To keep the boat steady. And then I got chronic insomnia for 5 years. Every time his drunk ass stumbled into bed at 3am, I would be fully awake and scared for reasons I still don't know.
My ex would start a fight and raise the tension between us on purpose. He would argue with me that I didn’t love him anymore and that I needed to prove him etc. I was just absolutely mentally/physically exhausted. I would need to smoke so much weed to get relaxed enough to not care. I would explicitly tell him that I needed a break and that it was hard for me to think about sex when I felt so stressed. That I needed him to handle more responsibilities at home, manage his own health issues, and get job so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. I had a demanding full time job and I felt like I had a second full time job being his mom/sex slave. I would have sex with to keep him from bickering. He wanted to force me to be really enthusiastic when I was depleted of all energy. Meanwhile he’d spent his whole day sleeping. That’s when I knew I needed to leave ASAP.
I was friends with someone online for a while and then things got flirty and he flew down to see me. I wasn't into him in person but I felt obligated. I realized after that I should have just told him and dealt with it. I don't put myself in these types of situations anymore.
Experiences from… early 20s to late 20s with a few ex boyfriends.
Because if I didn’t have sex then, he’d go and masturbate and I’d have no idea when he’d be up for sex again (>24 hour refractory period).
Because it was presented as one of my duties in a relationship.
Because I didn’t feel comfortable saying no.
Because I didn’t want him to hate me or treat me differently if I said no.
Because I was dumb and agreed to “just the tip” so when he went further I didn’t feel like I could say no since I already said ok to one part.
Because I was trying to make myself like men by brute force, because they hate you if you stop fucking them, because I needed a place to stay, because I was homeless and needed the money. I don't do any of that anymore.
1) I had never had alcohol before and got smashed and someone took that to their advantage.
2) to get them to leave me alone/ get it over with.
3) I was brainwashed into believing it was my duty to do it as a wife.
I was like 22 and had been dating this guy for a few weeks. We were messing around, doing handsy stuff for
the first time, but I wasn’t ready for sex.
When he tried, I told him I wasn’t ready. He responded, “really? You’re going to get my d*** hard and then turn me down?”
That made me feel bad. I was young, and I liked him, so we did it.
Two months later he ghosted me and took some other girl to Europe.
My first real relationship at the end of HS/beginning college.
If I said "no" (no matter the reasoning), he'd physically push himself away from me and ignore me for hours. So I'd eventually cave.
I felt bad for not doing it for a while with him, and he started complaining.
I mean, it wasn't like I was completely against it, but I was more like "Eh, sure" rather than "Yeah, let's go!"
Rejection sucks. Sometimes you just don’t line up with your partner. Him and I have mismatched libidos and I know how bad it feels when he tells me no or when I make a move and it gets denied. We don’t not love each other, we don’t dislike sex. Sometimes someone is just tired, not feeling well, etc. If I’m not exhausted or feeling unwell and I’m just not in the mood, I oblige. It’s not a bad time, we get quality time together and it’s nice knowing he isn’t feeling bad or discouraged because I rejected his advances. He respects when I say no, as do I. But sometimes you just won’t line up with your desires and I think of sex compromise similar to any other compromise.
Hopefully I have enough karma that this won’t get removed. In my previous relationship it was coercive in the sense that he never really touched me unless he wanted to have sex, and then every two weeks he’d complain and then I’d feel obligated to do it, but it was never enjoyable and honestly was painful. Still single three years later and carry deep reservations about a new relationship for that reason. I never really felt cared for or wooed and the idea of being trapped in that obligation again makes me want to puke.
Because when I said no he became enraged. Flipped out. Made me feel like I was the problem and willfully withholding something from him that was rightfully his that I had no right to keep from him. He was horrible to me. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I was very sick and in pain. Struggling to breathe. But his needs mattered more.
Money! I’m a FS sexworker, and sometimes I just don’t feel like working but have an appointment pre-booked so I go ahead anyways. Similar to going to a desk job even when you’re not feeling it. Other reasons in my personal life: wanting to show care and love for my partner who was horny when I wasn’t.
I was drunk on a cruise and he was introduced to me by a friend of a friend and then he coerced me into it. And then the guy who introduced us sexually harrased me for the next 1,5 years.
Because he started getting angry and was grabbing my leg aggressively to the point it hurt and every no he got more agitated and aggressive so I gave in.
Not a woman, but she had a power dynamic over me. I wanted help with my homework. I thought it was rape, and maybe it is, but I forgive her. I tried to convince myself it was a hookup and told some friends that it was. It never sat right with me at all, it felt scary and like I'd been deprived dignity.
We reconnected and I learned she had a disorder because she confided it. The nature of it has a tremendous impact on judgement. She messaged me things about taking violent action against the government. I shared some sensitive things with her and she told me I need to drop my integrity/give up my character. So, there's a need to be compassionate.
Her ex boyfriend date raped me too (got drunk at his place while playing videogames and woke up to the world looking brighter than usually kinda like eye dilation, him on top of me, and being told by him to go back to sleep...he had a thing for me too). That moment with her mentally felt like what happened with him. But, I can forgive her because of the condition.
the situation for me was just so awkward im usually alone with them and the way some have stared at me and the silence i just think lets get it done and over with so i could get outta here
My girlfriend and I have a weird relationship and don’t often have the chance so when a chance presents itself and I’m not in the mood, fuck it I’m giving my all anyways.
Sometimes it was for validation or because I wanted the guy to like me.
But a lot of the time when i've done this, it was because I wanted to be left alone or to go to sleep. One of my exes was particularly bad for this. He wouldn't let up until I gave him what he wanted. Didn't matter how I felt, what time it was, what I was doing or what else I had going on. Apparently "blue balls hurts so bad, men have literally kicked women out of their houses before because of it."
I felt like I had to and it was expected of me. My relationship was bad and sex hurt because the physical connection was broken for me after he cheated. I stayed because my life was falling apart so much in other areas and i had bad depression. I couldn't face losing him as well and he insisted on staying. Our friendship was OK so I figured I would just work with him through it. It didn't work out in the end and we divorced. I wished I'd left sooner but I just didn't have any strength. Anything was better than being alone.
I lost my virginity because I thought my boyfriend will leave me back then (If I say no). Looking back I was a catch for him and I was settling. Apart from that I think I like having sex and haven't done the deed if I didn't want to. This one time an ex-FWB tried to force himself on me, when I had outrightly mentioned "NO", because I didn't want it anymore, so he continued forcing himself, and because of his build I couldn't do much about it and he was shit faced drunk.
Fun times XD
Pressure. Young and naive, This was decades ago and i didn't know what I was even doing properly. Didn't want to but the guy made me think that I had to as we was dating. Eughk!
When my partner is really craving loving intimacy, I go along that gets me in the mood. This is only in a serious committed relationship.
Weird analogy but it’s like when you go see a movie you were lukewarm about, only to discover it’s marvelous.
Because he would become emotionally distant and I wanted affection. Even if I really didn’t want it I would force myself. I would feel guilty. Even though he would say ‘ I never want you to force this’ , I always end up doing it because he would be upset otherwise.. it was hard. One of the massive reasons my relationship didn’t work.
Beyond the common force, fear, manipulation… I did it out of a bartering system with my abusive ex. If I wanted permission to do anything, we used sex as a currency. If I let him do a b or c, I got x y z. If I let him do d e f … a lot of times i just disassociated and waited for it to be over and got up and left to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t consider it rape or assault (though it’s definitely in a grey area) as I did consent. It was a very weird and toxic and abusive relationship.
Because it was much easier, less time consuming, and overall less bullshit to relent rather than protest.
You can't convince a person who believes "women play hard to get - a *no* is rarely serious" otherwise. Very darkly ironic.
It was a mix of being Pressured because I was too young and didn’t know I could say no. I Never had someone Pursue me like that at the time. Was very curious about sex and I remember having a feeling of worry that I would be “ late “ to losing my virginity when in reality the age I lost it was incredibly early.
Fear of being rejected/fear of being cheated on (because they said that they would cheat on me if i kept saying no for sex)/ fear of being assaulted or killed if i said no/ basically i was manipulated most of the time
Had a partner who got angry with me because I didn’t want to have sex at the “convenient” time for him and told me he would “not assume sex was on the table” when we were together because of it. All that did was make me feel like he was going to look for sex outside of the relationship, so I just started giving to him whenever he initiated.
Plot twist: he still cheated.
My advice is to keep yourself safe and only engage when you want to. I should have seen that one coming.
If you are someone who has experienced sexual harassment or assault and wish to speak with a trained professional about it, these hotlines and organizations can listen to your experiences and make referrals to counselors and support groups to the extent of your comfort. **Global Resources** **RAINN**: https://www.rainn.org/ 24/7 Crisis support for victims/survivors of sexual assault. Over the phone or through instant messaging. If your country is not listed below, you can contact RAINN to be referred to a local organization. **US:** **Crisis Text Line**: https://www.crisistextline.org/ You can text 741-741 24/7 from any cell phone in the United States to be anonymously connected to a trained crisis counselor. They also have anonymous Facebook messenger and Kik options if you do not have access to a cell phone. **One in Six**: http://1in6.org An organization for male-identified survivors of sexual assault. Provides anonymous individual and group counseling 24/7 through online chat functions **National Domestic Violence Hotline**: http://www.thehotline.org Provides 24/7 anonymous crisis and counseling support over the phone, and anonymous online chat crisis and counseling support from 7am until 2am Central Time **Anti-Violence Project**: https://avp.org/ Provides 24/7 anonymous phone based crisis and counseling for LGBTQ identified victims of assault and violence, including sexual assault and violence. Based in New York but can refer nationwide **DoD Safe Helpline**: https://www.safehelpline.org/ Provides 24/7 phone and online chat based crisis and counseling for victims of sexual assault and harassment serving in the military, or who are employed by the Department of Defense. **Canada** Canada's crisis hotlines are organized by province and subject matter, here is a comprehensive list of hotlines and organizations. http://www.dawncanada.net/issues/issues/we-can-tell-and-we-will-tell-2/crisis-hotlines/ **UK** **Rape Crisis England & Wales**: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ Provides online resources 24/7 and live support over the phone in the afternoons and evenings. **SupportLine**: http://www.supportline.org.uk/ Provides online resources 24/7 and live support over the phone during the day and evening. **Europe** **Rape Crisis Network Europe**: https://www.rcne.com/ Provides online resources and live support for anyone living in Europe **Australia** **1800respect**: https://www.1800respect.org.au and their phone number, 1800 737 732. **Kids Helpline**: https://www.www.kidshelpline.com.au for people under 25 also 1800 55 1800 **India** Try here http://www.ncw.nic.in/helplines or one of the numbers listed here may be able to help you. **For any country not listed, you can contact RAINN (mentioned above) to be put in touch with local organizations.**
Situations like: coercion, manipulation, threats, force, being in an abusive relationship, fear, having a partner who would not gracefully accept a no
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I'm sorry to hear that you've been I'm those situations. I'm also very sorry to see that you listed a *lot* of examples!
I'm 47. The earliest of those examples occurred when I was 14 and the last when I was in my early 20s. There are a lot of people out there who make terrible and abusive partners, and many of those examples are from the same few partners I dated as a teen. If someone was having sex with my body at a time when I did not want to have sex, I can tell you that all of the reasons that it was happening were negative for me. There has never in my life been any neutral or positive reason for me to have sex that I didn't want to have.
for me sex is like taking a dump, i don’t always feel like it but always feel kinda good during it and so i don’t mind it.
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I've had sex with my husband before when I'm really not in the mood. When it's been a while we tend to get off sync. My husband is very touchy feely. He starts to get a little colder. He doesn't do it on purpose, he's not coercing me. But sometimes for me it's "oh it's been a while" sex, not "oh, I want to bang" sex.
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To keep my husband happy, I don’t want him to start the whole “you don’t love me, you’re not attracted to me”
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very tired but unable to sleep. had sex so that i can calm tf down and go to sleep. wasn't really horny but thought "eh what's the harm"
So, to clarify, for seeking comfort rather than feelings of lust? Kinda like a cross between meditation & sex?
Yeah kind of
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Like, "It's better to do it than to argue about why I didn't want to do it"
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Guilt. Coercion. Force. “Obligation”. Not to mention that some men will treat you different if you don’t or it’s been a while.
Because I want intimacy and don’t get it without sex
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you get the non-sexual intimacy you want and deserve.
I really feel this. My husband’s libido is low (mine is relatively low too so it’s not too much of an issue), but he just doesn’t like being touched almost at all. I’m a very touchy person, love skin on skin if it’s just hand holding, a hug, a kiss. But sometimes I’ll have sex because I want his touch, not so much the sex, from him.
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Felt like I was expected to Felt like I wasn't allowed or supposed to want to stop past a certain point Thought penetration was owed, even though I didn't really enjoy it, because that's what the guys liked It was easier that dealing with the guilt tripping or moodiness if I said no Felt like I "owed" it to my partner because it had been so long Felt like it was the only thing I was "good for" I'm in a much better place now. But these were some of the many many reasons in my younger years
Couldn’t say no to a loved one. I wanted him to be happy and satisfied with me so I did even though every cell of my body didn’t
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With a recovering porn addict sometimes it's hard to say no, scared he would relapse.
Because I was madly in love with a guy that used me like a sex toy at his own convenience. Anyway, lesson learned.
I was scared of his reaction if I didn’t have sex with him.
It was easier to say "yes" than to continually have my "no" be worn down. He was nicer to me when I gave him what he wanted... It was his house and I was afraid if I said no, we would break up and I would have nowhere else to live. I thought I had a "good" one because he didn't call me awful names, beat me, or throw me around.
I hope you have the good life you deserve now ❤️
Thank you. Working on it 😅
Still consent though. Mostly I get in the mood after the first attempts of making out. Like lighting the spark! So when my bf comes along I roll with it and check out for myself if Im in the mood. Sometimes its not working that well so I go along with it at times. So we hit it off without really feeling it if he is very enthusiatic about. Normally I just tell my partner Im not feelin it and we stop. But its nothing bad since I enjoy being close to him in general. The sex part is more something I don’t gain benefit from in this situation but nothing bad at all.
The feeling of obligation. The feeling of, oh he's a man if I don't give it up he will look somewhere else. Bunch of bullshit.
Because I thought he’d want to commit as in be in a relationship. If I didn’t he’d move on to someone else who was ready sooner. This doesn’t work ladies and gentlemen, so then I felt dumb and used in the end 🤷♀️
To get pregnant
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Because I didn't want to hear the temper tantrums or experience the silent treatment.
Because my wife wanted to and I want her to be happy. Doesn’t happen often but it’s not a big deal.
Validation As sad as it is to say it
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Hey friend, it sounds like you might be ace! Come visit us over at r/asexuality, we have cake.
Kinda grew up being taught that a man’s happiness is more important than my own. So when he really wanted to penetrate me after I told him I wasn’t ready and he kept on pushing me, kept on asking, pleaded, my resolve gave out because I felt like I was being a bad person for saying no. So yeah … it was horrible.
Most of the time, it's always been, "So he'll stop bugging me for it." This hasn't been for any one guy either...
I’m really sorry to read how many people ITT have experienced coercion But to answer the question since I’m here, I once woke up to my ex girlfriend riding me. It was very much the beginning of the end of our relationship
I'm so sorry this happened. That's awful. I'm glad it was the beginning of the end of that.
For money, drugs and alcohol. I knew nothing else in life that could bring me joy in that period of time.
pressure, not directly from him, but in my head, because i knew we weren’t anything but friends with benefits and we’d spent a few hours together in the day for it to have not ended in sex. i knew that’s what he wanted, and i didn’t want him to think i was a prude or frigid.
I'm demisexual but I didn't know that's a thing until my mid 20ies. All i knew is that seemingly THE ENTIRE WORLD is obsessed with sex and that people who don't have any are losers. So I decided to have sex to NOT feel like a loser. I didn't like it. Decided to "fake it till you make it". But the more I tried the more it just felt gross. Men or women did not make a difference. Then I read about asexuality, it clicked, I stopped trying and accepted that I'll never like sex. I later learned that I'm actually demisexual. So essentially I don't like sex except for sometimes under very specific, unpredictable circumstances with one specific person. And it takes me ~6months to find out if I want sex with that person. Which really sucks.
Easier than saying no. A lot of men don't take rejection well.
I would force myself to have sex with my ex husband every so often because otherwise he’d get really short and snippy with our kids, and they didn’t deserve that. Wasn’t super into sex because he was basically like a third child and it lasted foreeeeever (think an hour give or take of thrusting, ouch).
I wanted to feel close to my ex and it was the only time I had his full attention.
I was assaulted by a 'friend' when I was not in a fit state to consent. He took advantage of me. No, I didn't report him but I did confront him after the fact. I've made sure people in our community know what a scumbag he is, as he does the whole 'matey laddy harmless dude' persona. After speaking to a few people's it's clear I'm not the only person he's hurt. Alas he is the kind of guy who backpedals, blames it on his mental health, blames it on addiction, blames it on this and that and basically everything to avoid accountability. Luckily his actions are catching up with him and people are gradually starting to get wise to his shitty, erratic and selfish behaviour.
Coercion.
Been over sexualized from a young age bc I always had bigger boobs. Most times I’m like “i’m not in the mood today” and they say: i’ll get you in the mood so I just give in to get it over with and mostly because of fear of “if i don’t do it, they’ll leave me”
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My ex was pretty manipulative about it. He would cry if I said no he'd complain that I wasn't attracted to him anymore or didn't love him, and would essentially guilt me into it. Most of the time I just did it so I didn't have to deal with him being so emotional about it but it ended up becoming a massive chore because he wanted it every day, multiple times a day and if I said no even once it was straight to 'you don't love me anymore.' Very glad I got away from that relationship..
Because I knew it will end fast so better to have it once rather than seeing him worried about me. When I want some time alone he gets worried if something is troubling me. Well he is a sweet guy but sometimes all I want is time alone.
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It was the same day my brother died, and I was stuck at a music festival in a tent with my ex. He woke me up after I finally got to sleep and wanted sex. I let it happen so I could grieve in peace without an argument.
Fucking hell that's horrific
I'm asexual. Everyone kept telling me I wouldn't know what I liked until I tried it (friends and family not people I tried dating). I tried it. Did not like. Please stop giving people this advice.
COERCION & MANIPULATION
I often do it when I’m not in the mood, or rather often start before I get into the mood. I always end up enjoying myself and I like the intimacy even if it’s just a quicky.
I have issues that have tied my value and only way of getting loved and accepted to sex.
I don’t. I never have. I have very firm boundaries and no issues enforcing them. (I recognize that sexual assault has nothing to do with boundaries, I’m just talking about coercion or pressure or whining…). I know this makes me incredibly privileged and puts me in a minority of women.
Peer pressure
Most common reasons for me: * Felt pressure to do so (either from the person or the situation or both) and didn’t feel able to say no * Thought I might start wanting it after it started, but didn’t * Was depressed/panicky and needed validation/comfort
In a LTR just to get rid of his whining. While dating I needed some affection… no need for sex but most people once you get physically close sex is ‘expected’ I know all wrong reasons to have sex. But when you desire closeness and the almost only way to get it is sex…. I have sex 🥴
Same reason I snack when I'm not hungry. It's still satisfying l.
It had been awhile and my husband wanted it. I did it so I could get him off my case for a few days.
To keep the peace. It's easier to let him rather than down a fight.
Because my partner was in the mood when I wasn’t. Same way they do it for me when they’re not in the mood. I’m single now but most my relationships were like this. We took care of each others needs even if one of us wasn’t really feeling it. Didn’t happen often though
Wow reading all of this is crazy, but also I am happy/sad that I’m not the only person to have done this. It was so easy to have sex when I didn’t want to but my ex did and was whining about it. Now I’m with a stable, understanding man and even though it pains me to not give him sex so often, he always stops when I don’t want to because he feels the difference. After so many times I made myself be persuaded I feel like I abused myself in the end and where did that get me..
The only time that’s happened have been instances of rape, which has been four different men.
Because I didn't want him to say mean things to me or call me names so I just let it happen. More than once.
Scared of saying no and making the other person happy was important to me
When I have no libido but feel bad my husband hasn’t gotten any a week or two 😩
I wasn't really in the mood but he asked nicely and pointed out that we wouldn't have another opportunity for a couple weeks, so I agreed. He took his time and got me in the mood and it was good :)
Because sometimes my husband or I aren't in the mood but we both want to take care of each other's sexual needs/desires. We both feel it is our duty to take care of each other, but we also both have to right to say no or to initiate sex and we do. I'm thankful to have a safe relationship where I can express my desires and also reserve the right to say no.
I am 63. I didn’t understand I could say no or make any requests until my 40s. So grateful my boyfriend makes me feeling safe his top priority.
* Due to CPTSD I have a "freeze" response to scary situations. While this can help to not escalate violence, it is not a useful way to avoid sexual assault. * Social pressure as a lesbian to validate literally everyone with my body. (30-60 year old non-transition AMAB folks who identify as NB or "male lesbians" or "teenage lesbians" threatened to kill themselves if my underage self didn't have sex with them. I was 14-17 during this time and our whole friend group bullied me into giving them a chance since "sexuality is fluid" and "gender isn't real". Note: these weren't trans women, but adult pedos taking advantage of the system.) * Got kicked out of home for being gay as a kid and needed a place to stay. * He was stronger than me and not listing to "no" and "stop". * He had a knife.
I wanted the argument between me and my then-husband to just stop. I was exhausted with how much we argued. We were both just fucked up people who triggered each other constantly.
Because I was told by an ex that I could either give it up or he'd take it by force
To be a “good” wife. Too drunk to stop it.
Trying for a baby, peak ovulation time but just not feeling it
Honestlyyyy…to get it over with. I wanted to at first and it got boring lmao. Could’ve easily stopped but he was close so I let him have that one. It was the first and last time I had sex with that guy. Not very good but I let him think he was.
Because they wouldn’t stop asking/pressuring and it was the easiest way to get out of the situation
Because I felt like I should or maybe I had to. Because I got tired of saying no. Because I felt bad for turning my husband down so many times.
easier to say yes and get it over with. And maybe it won’t be bad. Maybe I’ll feel like it when it starts. Hopefully it’ll be over really fast.
People when I said “no” they kept pushing and it just felt easier to give in & get it over with.
I didn’t feel like there was a way for me to say no. It was a hookup situation with the entire point being to sleep together. He was very weird and unsettling when he showed up and I just didn’t feel like I could tell whether he’d react badly to me changing my mind. Sometimes you just have to disassociate to get through it.
It was after I had the baby. My libido took a hit and my husband was very kind and supportive. He would never impose himself on me and that too put pressure on me. I was in debt to his kindness and I felt the pressure to do it so I would do it once a week or once in two weeks. We’re okay now. More than okay I’d say. And he deserves it for all his support and kindness.
Sometimes it just felt like it was easier to get it over and done with so I didn’t have to deal with the “pressure” (I only put it in “” because idk if it came from myself or the other person). But just so I could leave or go to sleep sometimes
I have not done this in my current relationship. I never felt pressured to. I have always wanted it 100% every single time. In my previous marriage, I did it so he wouldn't pout. So he'd be in a good mood. So he'd leave me alone for a while.
Fear. Obligation. Guilt. Shame. Feeling sorry for him when he pouted. To keep the boat steady. And then I got chronic insomnia for 5 years. Every time his drunk ass stumbled into bed at 3am, I would be fully awake and scared for reasons I still don't know.
My ex would start a fight and raise the tension between us on purpose. He would argue with me that I didn’t love him anymore and that I needed to prove him etc. I was just absolutely mentally/physically exhausted. I would need to smoke so much weed to get relaxed enough to not care. I would explicitly tell him that I needed a break and that it was hard for me to think about sex when I felt so stressed. That I needed him to handle more responsibilities at home, manage his own health issues, and get job so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. I had a demanding full time job and I felt like I had a second full time job being his mom/sex slave. I would have sex with to keep him from bickering. He wanted to force me to be really enthusiastic when I was depleted of all energy. Meanwhile he’d spent his whole day sleeping. That’s when I knew I needed to leave ASAP.
I never have, largely because of a high libido, but also I hate sex when I'm not in the mood
Boredom, curiosity, fear, it was easier to give in than not to
Because he put psychological pressure on me and I was really young and in love.
I was friends with someone online for a while and then things got flirty and he flew down to see me. I wasn't into him in person but I felt obligated. I realized after that I should have just told him and dealt with it. I don't put myself in these types of situations anymore.
Couldn’t say no, like he physically used his weight to pin me down
Coercion, sexual battery, sexual assault, but yeah all unreported.
Experiences from… early 20s to late 20s with a few ex boyfriends. Because if I didn’t have sex then, he’d go and masturbate and I’d have no idea when he’d be up for sex again (>24 hour refractory period). Because it was presented as one of my duties in a relationship. Because I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. Because I didn’t want him to hate me or treat me differently if I said no. Because I was dumb and agreed to “just the tip” so when he went further I didn’t feel like I could say no since I already said ok to one part.
Because I was trying to make myself like men by brute force, because they hate you if you stop fucking them, because I needed a place to stay, because I was homeless and needed the money. I don't do any of that anymore.
1) I had never had alcohol before and got smashed and someone took that to their advantage. 2) to get them to leave me alone/ get it over with. 3) I was brainwashed into believing it was my duty to do it as a wife.
I don't. Not even with previous partners when pressured, I'd simply shut down and kick them out.
Because I was forced.
I was like 22 and had been dating this guy for a few weeks. We were messing around, doing handsy stuff for the first time, but I wasn’t ready for sex. When he tried, I told him I wasn’t ready. He responded, “really? You’re going to get my d*** hard and then turn me down?” That made me feel bad. I was young, and I liked him, so we did it. Two months later he ghosted me and took some other girl to Europe.
My first real relationship at the end of HS/beginning college. If I said "no" (no matter the reasoning), he'd physically push himself away from me and ignore me for hours. So I'd eventually cave.
My ex husband threw epic tantrums so I did it so I didn’t have to listen to him berate me, even if I didn’t want to
I felt bad for not doing it for a while with him, and he started complaining. I mean, it wasn't like I was completely against it, but I was more like "Eh, sure" rather than "Yeah, let's go!"
Because I “should want to please” them even if I’m “not in the mood”
Rejection sucks. Sometimes you just don’t line up with your partner. Him and I have mismatched libidos and I know how bad it feels when he tells me no or when I make a move and it gets denied. We don’t not love each other, we don’t dislike sex. Sometimes someone is just tired, not feeling well, etc. If I’m not exhausted or feeling unwell and I’m just not in the mood, I oblige. It’s not a bad time, we get quality time together and it’s nice knowing he isn’t feeling bad or discouraged because I rejected his advances. He respects when I say no, as do I. But sometimes you just won’t line up with your desires and I think of sex compromise similar to any other compromise.
Hopefully I have enough karma that this won’t get removed. In my previous relationship it was coercive in the sense that he never really touched me unless he wanted to have sex, and then every two weeks he’d complain and then I’d feel obligated to do it, but it was never enjoyable and honestly was painful. Still single three years later and carry deep reservations about a new relationship for that reason. I never really felt cared for or wooed and the idea of being trapped in that obligation again makes me want to puke.
Because when I said no he became enraged. Flipped out. Made me feel like I was the problem and willfully withholding something from him that was rightfully his that I had no right to keep from him. He was horrible to me. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I was very sick and in pain. Struggling to breathe. But his needs mattered more.
Felt guilty that he was feeling unloved and starved for intimacy and couldnt face that I wanted to break up and would break his heart
Money! I’m a FS sexworker, and sometimes I just don’t feel like working but have an appointment pre-booked so I go ahead anyways. Similar to going to a desk job even when you’re not feeling it. Other reasons in my personal life: wanting to show care and love for my partner who was horny when I wasn’t.
My abusive ex husband wouldn't take no for an answer.
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I was drunk on a cruise and he was introduced to me by a friend of a friend and then he coerced me into it. And then the guy who introduced us sexually harrased me for the next 1,5 years.
Because he started getting angry and was grabbing my leg aggressively to the point it hurt and every no he got more agitated and aggressive so I gave in.
Sometimes because I was scared. Others because I wanted to make my bf happy. Now I literally just refuse if I’m not in the mood
Because I was young and stupid and felt pressured. I only wish I knew then what I know now.
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guilt
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Not a woman, but she had a power dynamic over me. I wanted help with my homework. I thought it was rape, and maybe it is, but I forgive her. I tried to convince myself it was a hookup and told some friends that it was. It never sat right with me at all, it felt scary and like I'd been deprived dignity. We reconnected and I learned she had a disorder because she confided it. The nature of it has a tremendous impact on judgement. She messaged me things about taking violent action against the government. I shared some sensitive things with her and she told me I need to drop my integrity/give up my character. So, there's a need to be compassionate. Her ex boyfriend date raped me too (got drunk at his place while playing videogames and woke up to the world looking brighter than usually kinda like eye dilation, him on top of me, and being told by him to go back to sleep...he had a thing for me too). That moment with her mentally felt like what happened with him. But, I can forgive her because of the condition.
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the situation for me was just so awkward im usually alone with them and the way some have stared at me and the silence i just think lets get it done and over with so i could get outta here
Because he usually never wants when I do, so when he wants I never say no even if I am not in the mood at that moment.
I didn't know him too well and I was afraid of how he would react if I didn't.
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I was forced.
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Absent-mindedly turned him on and then felt guilty about stopping him once he started.
My girlfriend and I have a weird relationship and don’t often have the chance so when a chance presents itself and I’m not in the mood, fuck it I’m giving my all anyways.
I didn’t know how to say no and my self esteem was so low I felt I owed him that, I didn’t.
Sometimes it was for validation or because I wanted the guy to like me. But a lot of the time when i've done this, it was because I wanted to be left alone or to go to sleep. One of my exes was particularly bad for this. He wouldn't let up until I gave him what he wanted. Didn't matter how I felt, what time it was, what I was doing or what else I had going on. Apparently "blue balls hurts so bad, men have literally kicked women out of their houses before because of it."
Easier to do it than say no at the time.
He wouldn't listen when I was telling him no and stop, so I just gave in
Whenever we were trying to have a kid.
Coercion and low self worth and depression
I felt like I had to and it was expected of me. My relationship was bad and sex hurt because the physical connection was broken for me after he cheated. I stayed because my life was falling apart so much in other areas and i had bad depression. I couldn't face losing him as well and he insisted on staying. Our friendship was OK so I figured I would just work with him through it. It didn't work out in the end and we divorced. I wished I'd left sooner but I just didn't have any strength. Anything was better than being alone.
Because I thought if I could get him off enough it would fix his porn addiction.
I didn't know saying 'no' was an option until well into my 20s. I feel sad for younger me.
I was going through a rough break up and I did it so that I could stop thinking about her for even just a little bit
Being afraid of their reaction based on previous experiences or not having the energy to deal with a fight.
I lost my virginity because I thought my boyfriend will leave me back then (If I say no). Looking back I was a catch for him and I was settling. Apart from that I think I like having sex and haven't done the deed if I didn't want to. This one time an ex-FWB tried to force himself on me, when I had outrightly mentioned "NO", because I didn't want it anymore, so he continued forcing himself, and because of his build I couldn't do much about it and he was shit faced drunk. Fun times XD
Pressure. Young and naive, This was decades ago and i didn't know what I was even doing properly. Didn't want to but the guy made me think that I had to as we was dating. Eughk!
I felt it was the only way to get out the situation safely without any extensive harm done
When my partner is really craving loving intimacy, I go along that gets me in the mood. This is only in a serious committed relationship. Weird analogy but it’s like when you go see a movie you were lukewarm about, only to discover it’s marvelous.
Because he would become emotionally distant and I wanted affection. Even if I really didn’t want it I would force myself. I would feel guilty. Even though he would say ‘ I never want you to force this’ , I always end up doing it because he would be upset otherwise.. it was hard. One of the massive reasons my relationship didn’t work.
Beyond the common force, fear, manipulation… I did it out of a bartering system with my abusive ex. If I wanted permission to do anything, we used sex as a currency. If I let him do a b or c, I got x y z. If I let him do d e f … a lot of times i just disassociated and waited for it to be over and got up and left to do what I wanted to do. I didn’t consider it rape or assault (though it’s definitely in a grey area) as I did consent. It was a very weird and toxic and abusive relationship.
Because it was much easier, less time consuming, and overall less bullshit to relent rather than protest. You can't convince a person who believes "women play hard to get - a *no* is rarely serious" otherwise. Very darkly ironic.
Because they didn't take no for an answer and/or it was dangerous to leave.
Too tired or hungover but was a willing participant to my not too tired/hungover boyfriend. Didn’t mind it, the roles have been reversed
Complex question and way too many different answers. From being forced to, up to just wanted to pleasure my SO... Complicated
It was a mix of being Pressured because I was too young and didn’t know I could say no. I Never had someone Pursue me like that at the time. Was very curious about sex and I remember having a feeling of worry that I would be “ late “ to losing my virginity when in reality the age I lost it was incredibly early.
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Fear of being rejected/fear of being cheated on (because they said that they would cheat on me if i kept saying no for sex)/ fear of being assaulted or killed if i said no/ basically i was manipulated most of the time
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Because I was naive enough to think that if i'll have sex with him he'll stay.
Trauma and peer pressure. Sadly…
Had a partner who got angry with me because I didn’t want to have sex at the “convenient” time for him and told me he would “not assume sex was on the table” when we were together because of it. All that did was make me feel like he was going to look for sex outside of the relationship, so I just started giving to him whenever he initiated. Plot twist: he still cheated. My advice is to keep yourself safe and only engage when you want to. I should have seen that one coming.