Either accept that he’s not into it and embrace doing things solo or with others who are into this lifestyle (there also is much to be said for having hobbies and activities separately from a partner) or explore if you want to remain with him long term. (I can also see certain lifestyles not being compatible if the partners really are that different).
I second this. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your lifestyle solo if your partnership meets your needs. It’s possible that a need for your long term happiness is to have a partner interested in adventure. Maybe plan an epic solo adventure and do some soul searching to help figure out what you want?
I have a partner like this. This summer I am spending a month in France and Switzerland with my girls travel group and he’s going to join me for a week after, we are going to Romania. Five weeks is a long time for him to be away from home, but one week is doable.
Last month I went to Bali with another friend of mine. In December I was in Japan on a solo trip.
Are these experiences ones you really want to have with a partner? Or are you happy to just to have them?
It’s not like he doesn’t travel at all, he’s just not up for traveling for as long or as often as I am. I probably get to do more than I would if we only went on couples trips because I wouldn’t be ok with leaving our cats with a sitter for 5 weeks.
This sounds exactly like my situation, yes he’s happy to travel but like your partner doesn’t want to travel as long or has a burning for adventure and novelty. I’m happy to travel by myself I just kind of thought I should save the vacations for the both of us, but this sounds really ideal to me what you are doing:)
Seconding I have a similar model with my homebody husband. We're also wildly different travellers. We're both a lot happier with my husband not going on every trip.
Same. I’m a big hiker and camper but the hubby “slept outdoors enough while in the military”. My nature heavy trips are with the girls, my bougie trips are with him.
He also much prefers Europe to Asia and I like everywhere.
This is like me and my partner. I’m a mad keen hiker and camper too. He only wants to travel if we’re staying in 5-star accommodation. He tried camping with me once and he hated it 😂. I’m very happy to do my hiking, bike packing and camping trips alone or with friends, and go on 5-star holidays with my partner, but the only problem is that I only have so much annual leave which means the time that I take for my own outdoorsy adventures means less time for travelling with my partner (and vice versa), and also I miss him when I go away for weekends.
My partner and I both love travel but we also both have hobbies that require travel, so sometimes we are limited in time to do it together. But the thing is? Having him at home, looking after our lives, really is a huge privilege that lets me travel more. For example, I spent big parts of 2 years 1000 miles away chasing space shuttle launches and spending time with my aging dad while I could and I could never have done that if single. And it was great for our relationship, but that wouldn't be true for lots of people, so YMMV and maybe this won't work for both of you.
But really, time apart is amazing for the health and longevity of a relationship. There is a reason my friends who do such things stay married for decades while the joined-at-the-hip types have mostly divorced. Balance is always best, including time together/apart making new stories to spice up the dinner convo!
Please don’t spend your life on the sidelines while you wait for other people to want to have the same adventures you do. Life is too short for that. I did that for many years, and am now loving exploring the world alone or with like-minded people I’ve met.
If that works for him too, like he's an independent homebody and this won't wear on him, that could be perfect. I have a friend who is an extremely (EXTREMELY) independent person and is married to an airline pilot who is gone half the time. It's perfect for her. I'm like that myself- I've thought before I could date someone who was a park ranger who goes and lives in the woods for months at a time.
You just have to make sure he really is that person, because if he's not he will eventually feel bad, then you'll feel bad, then things will get messy.
My husband and I do a lot of things separately and I'm very happily married. As a woman it's important not to lose yourself in your husband.
My advice is do everything you want. If you want to go out, go out. If you want to travel, travel. Build a big community of friends who are like you and want do stuff. I honestly think this is part of the success of my relationship! We have such different interests that we are interesting to each other. And in a marriage you will naturally spend a huge amount of time together. There's nothing wrong with spending free time apart if you like different things, and I don't think it's detrimental to the relationship as long as no one is jealous or untrustworthy.
My favorite quotation about love is from Thich Hat Hahn. "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."
Edited: I'm reading the negative comments further down. There's a big difference between wanting to do some things separately and being with a man who doesn't want to do anything with you ever! We do plenty of things together as well. Maybe that's part of my happiness. I wouldn't want to do every single activity or trip together, lol, I need to feel free! But I would be sad, and extremely bored, if I were with a man who never wanted to do anything.
As someone who truly believes that our life purpose is to always be on the quest of our best, highest and most incredible selves while staying responsible towards the right things- this is the best way I would describe my ideal partnership as well. Two wholes coming together and making each other's lives richer.
I have always built complete emotional, mental, spiritual and physical individuality as long as core values of loyalty, trust, building a lasting relationship, hustle and effort are the shared values. Life is a solo journey on the inside anyways.
😩 I want your life. Are you American? Do you mind sharing what you do for a living? I’m wondering how i get a job with flexibility to travel this much!!
I’m an American who lives in Asia and works for a company with “unlimited leave” and have a higher position. The reality of that means that I can travel a lot but have to check in and work 2-4 hours a day most of my “vacation” days, unless I am literally in a place without service. All in all I end up with around 2-3 weeks of real vacation a year and another 2-4 weeks of the “half” vacation where I get up early and get stuff done before actually going to do fun things wherever I am.
It’s not amazing for Europe but way better than anything I ever got in the US.
He’s supportive. He’s met most of my girlfriends as we live in a destination city, so they pop in every now and then and crash at ours.
He’s also come to the conclusion that my more active travel style is not enjoyable to him. So my more active trips are alone or with friends and the trips involving fancy cocktails and museums are the ones he goes on.
Also, helpful information, I am the breadwinner. He picks every other “couple” destination, and the amount spent on the types of trips he likes ends up even over the year with my side trips. I spring for business when he’s coming and suffer through economy or use my miles to upgrade on my own, as I’m less fussed unless the flight is over 7 hours. And I have a lot of miles between my work and my trips.
For example he loves Disney. Pretty sure I spent more on that weeklong trip than I did for a year and half or maybe even two years of my side trips. We did Stockholm for a wedding last year, and the couples trip was Hawaii, complete with fancy resort. That was my second trip to Hawaii - the first was camping on the beach with the girls travel group. This year is Romania because his family is originally from there and we are staying in boutique historical hotels and bnbs.
In the meantime I’ve hiked the Kumano Kodo in Japan staying in rustic minshuku, stayed in hostels and hiked volcanos in Bali, camped and hiked in Patagonia, and did horseback trail rides and camping in Yellowstone for two weeks.
The different travel styles helps a lot. He’s a bit of a princess, I’d rather go with a budget than not go, but I do enjoy the fancier trips too - but we can’t afford them as often as I like to travel. It ends up working beautifully.
How did you find your girls travel group? I'd love to be a part of something like this, but all my local female friends are moms with more obligations than me.
I went on an organized women’s trip with 16 women around my age. We formed a group chat, added some folks, and started planning trips together. These days we just sort of flag to the group trip plans we have around 3-6 months in advance and whoever wants to come joins.
My husband and I are opposites and I married early and didn’t know myself well. So now, I want to hike and he does not. I do things I like with my friends and I set some time aside to do things with him. Don’t lose yourself and learn to do things by yourself if nobody else wants to do them with you.
I think in a lot of situations like these, the "adventurer" tends to cave after awhile because they end up feeling guilty for leaving the "homebody" behind, or for having amazing experiences without their spouse (none of which is wrong, the guilt could be self imposed or from the homebody themselves). "Oh, so you're leaving the country again and I have to take care of the house and dog/kid/fish/plants everyday for two weeks?" That kind of stuff can really lead to resentment from both parties. He may not say that now but men tend to develop different expectations of women (and how much they're at home/contributing to household stuff) after marriage especially.
I'd definitely have a serious, intentional sit down conversation about this before getting married.
Yeah, this is what I’d be worried about. He’s supportive now, but how will he feel in 2 years? 5? 10? I can see you growing less active and adventurous to come down to his level of comfort. If this happens, can you accept it? What happens if/when health issues arise? Will you still want to travel, or will you stay close to him?
You also mention that you’re the breadwinner. This can be problematic for many spouses if you’re out of the country often. Affairs can happen. Not saying that is the case with you two, but it is a common thing to watch out for.
From the limited information you gave in your initial post my feeling is that you two might not be fully compatible for a life together.
I say might not, because in this particular case the decision is yours to make. He seems to be happy with the live you two share, you are the more adventurous one, the question is hence, is life how you live it now "enough" to remain happy "forever" (as you plan to get married and the idea of marriage is until death do us part).
Ask yourself the following things:
- am I ok to do the things I want to do alone?
- is he long term ok with me doing these things alone? (Think now, in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. What if you have children?)
- would he (unconsciously) be holding me back in pursuing my dreams because I would much rather do them with him rather than alone, and hence I'm doing less of what I would like to do?
- would I start to resent him because he has "no drive"? (from your adventurous perspective, homebody could start to be more and more negatively coined for you)
- could my lifestyle potentially decrease his happiness and hence could lead to resentment on his side?
- am I 100% ok to accept that he will never change?
- will we always be able to find a compromise that leaves both of us genuinely happy with the situation?
- would I feel more happy and fulfilled with a partner that is also the adventurous type? (This is the most important question you need to ask yourself, you need to be very honest with yourself here. This is a life deciding question!)
--> which leads to the final question, which is also very important.
- am I with him because we have a good life together as is, things work and I know what I will get? (Put this in contrast to you breaking up, you starting all over again in dating and finding a new partner. It's a risk you need to know if you are willing to take it. Can you be happy with this man forever, or would you be willing to take the risk to find someone new who is more compatible with your lifestyle? This question is not to be underestimated, many people pick the safe choice, which I think is understandable to a degree. But it is toys safe choice that lead to divorce down the road. Just make sure you are contempt with the decision you will make).
So yeah, it's not an easy situation to be in. But good to ask yourself these questions now, rather than 5 years down into marriage.
The ball is more in your corner than in his as he appears happy with your life. However, it would be good to have a very open conversation with him to make sure he understands how you would invasion your life together and let him in on the things you want to do. It might be that he is not fully aware to the extent. I'm talking about the adventurous you'd be taking solo, not the shared holidays. Just make sure you two are fully on the same page and you both know what you are "getting yourself into", by signing up for a lifetime together. Dating is meant to see if we are compatible in the long run. In my opinion marriage should only happen when the "trial run" was positive and the outlook for a shared life is positive as well.
That all being said, if you can answer all the above questions favorably for your relationship, I don't see why it wouldn't work out between the two of you. My parents have also made it work, they go on one longer holiday a year together, but then they both also do one longer holiday with their friends because my mom and dad enjoy opposite things as hobbies, so they pursue them separately. They generally split their time between doing what brings them joy and then time together. This sounds better on paper than it is in reality in this specific case (unfortunately). I'm glad they are happy as is, but they could have potentially been much more happy had they made other choices. It was a long road for them and without their kids they would not be together anymore today. They overcame the obstacles and are happy enough today because they both wanted to make it work and they put in the work. But it was not easy and I feel they would have both been better off with partners more than themselves because the holiday thing is not their only incompatibility.
I wish you all the best OP. You need to think long term here and really need to consider all the different angles of your life together or apart.
I agree. I am now with someone who is also loves to travel and is adventurous. I was with homebodies before whilst I did my own thing - it just was not as fulfilling as I have now.
I think it can work, but depends on priorities and how much you want to do together.
Too many women compromise on their lifestyle wants and personality traits and values for men.
I see so many women just giving things up or doing them half-heartedly alone feeling a bit sad about it because their partner wont go out of his way for them (but often expects that she bend for him).
It's pretty sad. I'm someone who likes doing things solo, have solo travelled around the world - and I meet women like me, and women who really aren't that happy doing things alone like that, but have to because he wont come, or he's a total stick in the mud if he does, and they start doing their activities less and less because it becomes a hassle, or too much of a 'discussion' beforehand.
Women still seem so inclined to make themselves small for men.
Totally agree. Personally travel is super important to me and I just don't think I'd be compatible with someone anymore who just... isn't that bothered about travel and has no real hobbies? It's just such a big thing for me and not something I want to compromise on. There's a lot of adventurous people out there who want to see the world, why settle?
A lot of women are happy to be with guys who are 'fine'. I'd rather be single to be honest.
I've definitely noticed a trend where so many women seem more adventurous and interesting than a lot of men. It's the boat I'm in too, I just want to *go* and *do* and *experience* and he's content puttering around and mowing the lawn in neat stripes lol. Takes a lot of work to get him out of his comfort zone.
The world is so much riskier for women so I don't get why this is--are we just braver? There are so many things I would feel safer doing as a man, yet all these men don't even take advantage of that power to live life to the fullest 😭
Do you want to share these memories with him, or are you happy doing them alone? It sounds like he’s OK with you doing your thing separately, but you want to be with him. I was in your situation and it didn’t work out - but for me at least there was a lot of compromising overall this wasn’t the only thing.
It doesn't matter their motivation for doing something. It doesn't matter if it's on purpose or subconscious
We have ownership of choosing the type of lives we want for ourselves and that sometimes means not accepting a partner that does not add to or complement our lives
If you want a life of adventure with an equally participating partner, he's not it. You are also expecting him to change himself from his ideal state of being. Leaving the relationship on both sides in a constant state of tension and ending up in a suboptimal place for both.
Oh man, thats like me and my husband. My husband is so content having a slow lifestyle with me and our kids. He grew up in a toxic/abusive home, so he is happy as long as we’re together as a family.
I always dreamed of traveling and doing adventurous things. Going to different countries, trying different activities like parasailing, sky diving, zip lining, etc. However, my husband is NOT into that sorta thing at all. We have been married a decade, and there are times I get a little sad because we aren’t compatible in that way.
I think compromise is key in marriage. Tell him that while you love spending time with him at home, its important that you have adventures too (at least once in a while). Find the middle ground.
Have you guys had a talk about having kids? Having kids will really limit your time/energy for travel.
> Tell him that while you love spending time with him at home, its important that you have adventures too (at least once in a while). Find the middle ground.
Lol, the middle ground is him not changing his ways at all and her having to stifle herself to "once in a while" get out by herself.
How joyful.
FFS Ladies/Theys and others, please live your life on your terms and if a man can't keep up with you - ditch him and go solo until someone who actually can *meet you where you are* comes along
I had a partner like this. I will say at the time I saw an incompatibility, but it DID allow me to spend a lot of time with my friends and those relationships flourished. He hated going out, so I just lived like a single college girl and did everything/my hobbies/trying new restaurants with my girlfriends or alone. Eccentric travel suggestions like Cuba, NYC or Memphis were always a “no”, so I solo traveled.
In my new relationship, I don’t see my friends a much, because my partner wants to do everything I like with me. Seeing theater, shopping at the mall, traveling to NYC twice…. We’ve only been dating a year but have so many memories just because he will entertain my interests.
Definitely a preference which life you have to lead. To survive the relationship, that homebody partner would need to put effort into bonding activities/dates for us both, not just sitting on the couch.
I was in a relationship like this (he was the homebody as well), and I ended up losing myself trying to convince myself I liked the homebody lifestyle.
It didn't work out between us - the lifestyle was part of it but there were other factors contributing to that decision too.
I echo was others have said here: you need to be okay with doing things on your own and/or without him to stay fulfilled in your own life. And he needs to be supportive of it too. If both those things can't exist in your relationship, you might have some hard decisions to make.
I guess it kinda depends if you want kids? If you do then the homebody lifestyle is kinda forced on you, but yeh I get really depressed by sitting inside all day so understand the struggle. Even if I do other stuff separately, I just find it depressing always being around someone with 0 hobbies/activity. Does he at least go to the gym or something?
Who says a person has 0 hobbies/activities just because they are a homebody/travelling is not their hobby? Travelling is just one hobby out of many possibilities
But OP said that her bf only came home and watched football, so I assume has no other hobbies?
If the *only* issue is that he isn’t as enthusiastic about travel then sure, I think it’s a mistake to break up over it
My aunt and uncle were married for many years before she died, and they had very different ideas around travel. He was a 5 star hotel guy, and she was a $10 a night in Mexico City kind of lady. She had been all over the world, much of it without him. She would go on his kind of vacation occasionally, and then take off on her own doing the type of travel she enjoyed. She had friends in various countries she visited, and they came to visit her.
It worked very well for them. I’m glad my husband likes the kind of travel I like, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me, as long as he was okay with me doing my own thing. I have a girlfriend who frequently travels with my husband and I because her husband is a total homebody and not at all interested in seeing the world. It works great for them too.
Couple don’t have to do everything together, and it gives you more to talk about when you’re not together 100% of the time. Do what works for you.
My live-in boyfriend for a few years of university was like this. Every time I wanted to do something the idea was shut down and I ended up doing nothing for years. I felt old and tired, unstimulated, lifeless, bored. Luckily it turned out he was cheating on me and he went behind my back and got another apartment and moved out. As devastated as I was, I remember looking in the mirror and watching my face unclench itself. In a split second I went from feeling old and washed up like my life was already over to feeling Young, hot, and ready for anything. I dug through my wardrobe to find something sexy and exciting to wear like my old self and immediately started LIVING. I spent the next few years compensating very hard for missed time. Eventually I met my husband and he is game for anything and everything and we do it together.
Your options are:
1. Suck it up and be satisfied with a partner whose lifestyle is not compatible with your own which might crush your soul, your dreams, and make you feel like you've wasted your life.
2. Do all of the fun things by yourself. Relationships can't always withstand that.
3. Cut yourself loose and go after what you really want in life because you only get one life to live and it's a short one.
My personal experience was when I stopped waiting around for my husband to travel etc, we started growing apart. Travel can be big and life changing, so it’s sort of natural. That said, I also know people whose spouses are homebodies and it actually kind of works out nicely for them - they get a lot more freedom to travel than they would otherwise because spouse is happy to stay home with the kids. I would really try and get clear on whether having an adventure partner is important to you before you get married. I also think for it to work well it takes a conscious effort for your partner to be supportive and ‘involved’ in your travels by asking questions, listening to stories, etc.
Edit: the husband is now ex-husband, for various reasons but in no small part because I realized that we wanted different things.
Are you sure you're both compatible? I mean there is the saying that opposites attract, but you admitted you're losing a bit of yourself to fit into his ideal lifestyle. This could grow into resentment years later.
There are lots of us in this boat. Actually there is a whole industry that caters to it. Just google women’s solo adventures. I’m going hiking in Sedona soon while my husband is going to…sit on the couch and watch NASCAR. Which is fine, but I’m tired of our vacations being planned around where there’s a racetrack.
Are you going with a group / travel company? I am just starting to look at these type of trips and as someone who’s worked in travel and tourism most of their adult life I’m wary about group travel and have always shied away from intentionally going on one.
Backroads is a company I've used because I like hiking. It's a group but you have to travel yourself to the destination. You have a base camp so to speak where the group meets and then you set out together. They have an itinerary so you can see what you'll be doing but they have some daily options to choose. There are companies that cater to other types of travel such as different cities/country tours in Europe. It's niche. There are varying levels of planning. I personally like to book my own flights but there are some that include that in your price too. Also, these are smallish groups, not like 40 people. I find hiking national parks with strangers is fine but I probably would want someone I know with me in a foreign country where I'm not fluent. Just depends on what you're comfortable with. I'd go to Ireland alone but not France.
For me it's not entirely about safety, I have anxiety about being alone out in public. I would feel fine hiking alone in the woods but would be extremely stressed to be in a large art museum by myself and I need other people around that I know. Even if it's someone I've just been assigned to 15 minutes ago.
It sounds like you’re not that compatible tbh. How do you feel about going on solo trips? Do you want kids? Does he want kids? It kind of really sounds like you guys might want different things
I think a deep talk is required to lay out explicitly a few things.
What is reasonable accommodations of a middle ground between both people? A marriage has to be able to let each person have the space to be the person they are, but also for you to meet them in theirs.
Are you really losing yourself or are you incorporating a part of them into your life and it's merely feeling foreign? This I think is important to discern. I am the adventurous one but also I carry a lot of trauma to unpack in why slow life is actually scary for me. I am far more comfortable now and it feels nice to have slow moments too. It adds another variety to my life and are new experiences for someone whose never had stability and safety enough to be allowed to enjoy simple pleasures. Theres so many novel things to do at home too I realize. My life was in a suitcase for so long, I never got to enjoy building skills like painting or enjoying having dogs, cooking meals from my travels. I have gotten to know my home really well - I am that friend who know all the hidden gem things to do, the best places to eat, all the festivals, events, concerts I am there! My husband wasn't really a traveler but was open and wanted to experience it. That can be also overwhelming and he needed time to adjust to that also but he loves our adventures
Recognize that being adventurous, a traveler and a nomad lifestyle has cross overs but aren't the same thing. It sounds like you crave to be able to have long stays and live/work like that which is on the farther end of this scale. Many people can meet your needs when it comes to adventuring and traveling, but many folks are not digital nomad lifestyle, that's a bit more niche. That's OK to be in a niche but maybe making nomad friendships can be the commraderie you seek. I felt less worried about my friends and family not meeting my needs because my tour family was that.
It sounds like part of the issue isn't their openess to travel with, but that you seek out someone with a fervor for it and would share in the emotional labor of planning, suggesting, etc. I think maybe if this is important to you, when you are both traveling somewhere, have them do some research and come to the table with itinerary items they want to experience with you. I get this as the planner person sometimes it feels being cared for when someone collaborates or takes the reins. My husband now will be the one to grab the laptop and sit me down to book all our things. He's being vocal when it comes to eating options, things were going to go see.
This can work for couples but this requires talks about the one left at home too. Some folks love their homebody life no matter what and some crave that only with a partner. Your fiance needs to soul search on what things would make them feel resentful, what things make them feel seen and loved from afar during those periods, what things when you are home are important to them to do in order to feel connected to you. I think an important thing to look at is how full is their life outside of your partnership and how much they engage in that? I'm less worried about a partner who seek out other people. When I was gone for a month my partner was at weekly dinners at his grandma's and mom's, he went to go do stuff with friends, he produced music in the studio. His life didn't stop without me. This also means looking st how they are with household labor. I'm sorry to say a lot of men don't often share in the household weight or have initiative so when you leave and they have to care for themselves it breeds resentment. That is not your fault, they're grown and should act grown but you gotta put the "love him" aside and be fucking for real if that's problematic in your life now. There's many folks who have a partner at home where they can take care of themselves and the absence has the heart grow fonder. It just takes having real talks and looking at their flaws to understand if they're that person or not. And if he isn't it then don't marry him. Most of us who were touring on bands and musicals and shows I worked on mostly had partners so it's not uncommon but they were either independent homebodies or they were nomads like us on tour too.
I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow in the knee ;) couldn’t help it
But I do relate to both of you, oddly. I can be both an avid adventurer like you, or a homebody like him. As long as you are happy with him and he with you, that’s all that really matters.
Sorry to be the Debby Downer here, but please think long and hard about getting married. Some sessions with a good counsellor would probably be helpful. It’s just that, from what you describe in your post, you two seem to be incompatible.
>Im an adventurer and my partner is a homebody,
Why the fuck do people keep doing this shit to themselves?!
It's like the women who say "I really need a partner who is emotionally intelligent and affectionate, but my partner doesn't understand emotions, doesn't talk much and doesn't like physical touch, anyway we've been together 3 years. I do all the cooking and cleaning..."
Is someone *forcing* you to date someone who is the opposite of what you want/need/enjoy? No? Then it's a problem you bought on yourself.
There is no need to enjoy all the same activities, or do the activities you do enjoy together ALWAYS together - but most people would be happier if they had a common ground of lifestyle/wants and values.
Valuing adventure and novelty and pushing out of your comfort zone and wanting to live abroad doesn't tend to jive well with someone who not only doesn't really want adventure or change, but would rather just be at home.
It's sad how many women are in relationships with men they really have major differences in lifestyle with - and more of than not, his lifestyle takes precedence and he wont stretch himself for her either.
My ex husband hated traveling. To this day he has traveled to maybe 2 places tops with his new wife. My current husband and I love to travel. We've probably visited 8 different countries since we've been together. We also agree on what the future looks like together. Sounds like you two need to talk. Would he be fine with moving to NYC or Japan for a month?
Even if he was enthusiastic about living abroad for a month: that isn't very compatible with most people's working live and reality. Yes, home office and working from anywhere has become a bit of a thing, but it highly depends on the sector you are working in, your finances, state of the law in the destination country etc. It's not a simple, little thing to ask your partner to join you on.
I am more like your partner, so I can speak to that.
I need stability to feel peace in my life. I have a routine with my cats and my husband. We do live adventures and take vacations when possible, but being away from home for too long is exhausting to us and makes me feel ungrounded. If your partner is like me, it’ll be very difficult to get him to change his lifestyle to something you want or need. It can be done, but it’s taxing on both partners.
I think you should have an honest and open discussion explicitly about whether your lifestyles will be compatible in the long run. Then you can see if there are compromises or such to make. Me and my partner have a similar situation except I'm more of the homebody. I did move abroad for him and occasionally make trips myself to a LARP in a (now nearby) country, and plan some trips with my friends (though this never happened yet), but in general, I prefer to live a more quiet life. He likes to go sailing, hiking (I do too but only if there's a hotel to return to for the night etc), camping, and so forth on a regular basis. The way we do it is that he will go with other people and I stay home. If we have kids in the future, he is optimistic about taking the kids sometimes to the trips and sometimes they could stay home with me. This is our actionable plan and we're both happy with it. But what *isn't* a sustainable solution is you both silently looking at each other's lifestyles with a slowly growing resentment until the situation eventually erupts when you're married for 3 years and one of you realized they can't live like this and you don't have matching life goals. One of those things you might need to have a frank discussion about it the question of children, before you get married.
Accept it, adapt to it, or learn to consider it as the dealbreaker it may be and move on.
I am am very extroverted naturally, I love people-ing. I was married previously to a pretty hardcore introvert. He would spend most of his free time at home by himself (because I could only stand to be home doing whatever for so long) and was totally fine with that.
We married too young and he was a rebound from the person who raped and abused me, he was safe and we totally didn’t belong together. So, I didn’t know me and I didn’t know what I wanted.
I was miserable for years with this dynamic. His introvert needs not being met and my extrovert needs also not being met. I would very strongly encourage you to very strongly consider if what you are experiencing now (that is prompting this post about being unhappy) is something you want to have be the case for you forever.
If you don’t like it now and you’re not married, you’re only gonna hate it more and be resentful of your partner if you get married. Take from a jaded adventurer, you do not want to lock down unhappiness into a marriage when you noticed it BEFORE you got married!
As a married person my opinion would be to not marry him. I think in a few years you each will become resentful towards the other because your lifestyles are so different. I think you need to reevaluate what makes the two of you compatible and see if that is more important than your introvert/extrovert personality/lifestyle.
Why are people like this? This is a core incompatibility and the two of you never should've continued past a few dates. Move on and find someone who wants to live the same life as you.
My partner and I are the same. So are my parents. I do get annoyed with him sometimes but for the most part we just compromise. He also gives me a tonne of room to go on adventures with my friends, or on my own.
Sometimes I just bring him with me to things and he can sit in the hotel and do his own thing but I get to be with him in the evening when I get home from activities. My parents do similar.
Remember, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to be *everything* for you. You gotta get some of your needs met elsewhere. It’s the healthy thing to do and realizing that really helped me a lot.
>Remember, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to be everything for you.
Right... but it's realistic to what and have a relationship with someone who has similar lifestyle goals as you... in fact, it's ridiculous so many people , actually not people, mostly *women* compromise on this on lifestyle goals/values.
There’s always going to be compromise. If you don’t wanna make at least some or diversify where your needs get met, you probably won’t stay in the same relationship very long. And I mean, nothing wrong with that.
Yes, there is going to be compromise and there are many places to compromise in relationships - but compromising on your LIFESTYLE and values for someone you want 'share your life with' is dumb quite frankly.
Why are you trying to share your life with someone who wants a different life?
It's rooted in 'necessary marriage'.
Woah, I did not say that. But thanks for clarifying what you meant. Of course I don’t think you need to compromise your whole lifestyle, that’s unreasonable.
You can be your authenity self and still be your "boring" partner's ideal partner. Opposites can be amazing and healthy.
If you embance your true, adventurious self and do what you want to do (even if it means going on adventures without them) and your partner cant handle it-then you have a choice to make.
My friend is going through this right now. I don’t have anything besides trying to talk about it and your expectations openly with each other, especially if you’re to be married. I don’t know how you’re communicating currently but maybe it’s not clear that you want a bit more effort in your hobbies since you seem to be conforming to his? Some balance.
If you want him more invested in travel and adventure in general, perhaps come up with some local ideas and lists that you would want to do. He comes up with his ideas too. Then come up with some a few hours away, then other states, and so on. Then come up with some international plans that you both like. I would do this as a joint activity or ask him to research some on his own, come back together and put your ideas together. Now you have a list and he can have responsibility starting to plan some of these while you also plan some? A timeline of sorts.
I would generally just be open and see if he’s willing to also embrace your life style. I know it might be like I don’t want to do all the work but sometimes it’s starting some of the work for them to see and make things better for you as a couple in the future?? Idk just some thoughts haha. Good luck!!
Who says you need to be in the same house if you’re together? Plan those things for yourself and just be LDR for whenever you’re not there. I’m this way and I would regret my life if I wouldn’t be able to do this. This is who I am. If he can’t deal with you doing this while he stays home, perhaps you love him but he’s not the right one for you. You love him enough to let him stay home, he loves you enough to let you explore.
I know this isnt ideal for everyone-but you can have adventures solo or with friends.
I'm an introvert and will take 1 or 2 weekend trips just by myself. Reading, musuems, Pokemon Go.
I'll go to my town's weekly block party and people watch while my partner relaxs at home.
Its fine. Its healthy
It depends on different things
1. Are you in love/want the relationship?
2. Do you feel you need a romantic partner to join you on these things for it to be fulfilling and enjoyable? (Like would sharing the experience with friends or other people scratch that itch? Or would you like a romantic partner to “know” that side of you and share it?)
3. Are both of you willing to reframe the relationship in a way that’s satisfying for both of you?
It can be a dealbreaker but it doesn’t have to be.. trying to get an answer to these questions will help you determine what you should do. It’s highly individual
This sounds like me and my ex-husband, a little bit. We had two small children and while we went on family vacations with them and traveled before we had kids, he had the desire to travel to less kid-friendly places. At that point in my life I was unwilling to, because my kids were little and I didn't feel comfortable leaving them for a week or two at a time with our aging parents.
You might just have to travel without him sometimes. Go with friends, or by yourself.
Obviously since he's an *ex* husband, we didn't work out, unsure if my unwillingness to leave my small kids for extended periods of time played a part in that. He has a new partner now and they travel a lot. It's easier when you don't have to seek childcare arrangements I guess...
Either accept that he’s not into it and embrace doing things solo or with others who are into this lifestyle (there also is much to be said for having hobbies and activities separately from a partner) or explore if you want to remain with him long term. (I can also see certain lifestyles not being compatible if the partners really are that different).
I second this. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your lifestyle solo if your partnership meets your needs. It’s possible that a need for your long term happiness is to have a partner interested in adventure. Maybe plan an epic solo adventure and do some soul searching to help figure out what you want?
I have a partner like this. This summer I am spending a month in France and Switzerland with my girls travel group and he’s going to join me for a week after, we are going to Romania. Five weeks is a long time for him to be away from home, but one week is doable. Last month I went to Bali with another friend of mine. In December I was in Japan on a solo trip. Are these experiences ones you really want to have with a partner? Or are you happy to just to have them? It’s not like he doesn’t travel at all, he’s just not up for traveling for as long or as often as I am. I probably get to do more than I would if we only went on couples trips because I wouldn’t be ok with leaving our cats with a sitter for 5 weeks.
This sounds exactly like my situation, yes he’s happy to travel but like your partner doesn’t want to travel as long or has a burning for adventure and novelty. I’m happy to travel by myself I just kind of thought I should save the vacations for the both of us, but this sounds really ideal to me what you are doing:)
Seconding I have a similar model with my homebody husband. We're also wildly different travellers. We're both a lot happier with my husband not going on every trip.
Same. I’m a big hiker and camper but the hubby “slept outdoors enough while in the military”. My nature heavy trips are with the girls, my bougie trips are with him. He also much prefers Europe to Asia and I like everywhere.
This is like me and my partner. I’m a mad keen hiker and camper too. He only wants to travel if we’re staying in 5-star accommodation. He tried camping with me once and he hated it 😂. I’m very happy to do my hiking, bike packing and camping trips alone or with friends, and go on 5-star holidays with my partner, but the only problem is that I only have so much annual leave which means the time that I take for my own outdoorsy adventures means less time for travelling with my partner (and vice versa), and also I miss him when I go away for weekends.
My partner and I both love travel but we also both have hobbies that require travel, so sometimes we are limited in time to do it together. But the thing is? Having him at home, looking after our lives, really is a huge privilege that lets me travel more. For example, I spent big parts of 2 years 1000 miles away chasing space shuttle launches and spending time with my aging dad while I could and I could never have done that if single. And it was great for our relationship, but that wouldn't be true for lots of people, so YMMV and maybe this won't work for both of you. But really, time apart is amazing for the health and longevity of a relationship. There is a reason my friends who do such things stay married for decades while the joined-at-the-hip types have mostly divorced. Balance is always best, including time together/apart making new stories to spice up the dinner convo!
Please don’t spend your life on the sidelines while you wait for other people to want to have the same adventures you do. Life is too short for that. I did that for many years, and am now loving exploring the world alone or with like-minded people I’ve met.
If that works for him too, like he's an independent homebody and this won't wear on him, that could be perfect. I have a friend who is an extremely (EXTREMELY) independent person and is married to an airline pilot who is gone half the time. It's perfect for her. I'm like that myself- I've thought before I could date someone who was a park ranger who goes and lives in the woods for months at a time. You just have to make sure he really is that person, because if he's not he will eventually feel bad, then you'll feel bad, then things will get messy.
My husband and I do a lot of things separately and I'm very happily married. As a woman it's important not to lose yourself in your husband. My advice is do everything you want. If you want to go out, go out. If you want to travel, travel. Build a big community of friends who are like you and want do stuff. I honestly think this is part of the success of my relationship! We have such different interests that we are interesting to each other. And in a marriage you will naturally spend a huge amount of time together. There's nothing wrong with spending free time apart if you like different things, and I don't think it's detrimental to the relationship as long as no one is jealous or untrustworthy. My favorite quotation about love is from Thich Hat Hahn. "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free." Edited: I'm reading the negative comments further down. There's a big difference between wanting to do some things separately and being with a man who doesn't want to do anything with you ever! We do plenty of things together as well. Maybe that's part of my happiness. I wouldn't want to do every single activity or trip together, lol, I need to feel free! But I would be sad, and extremely bored, if I were with a man who never wanted to do anything.
As someone who truly believes that our life purpose is to always be on the quest of our best, highest and most incredible selves while staying responsible towards the right things- this is the best way I would describe my ideal partnership as well. Two wholes coming together and making each other's lives richer. I have always built complete emotional, mental, spiritual and physical individuality as long as core values of loyalty, trust, building a lasting relationship, hustle and effort are the shared values. Life is a solo journey on the inside anyways.
"Life is a solo journey on the inside" is a wonderful way to put it!
😩 I want your life. Are you American? Do you mind sharing what you do for a living? I’m wondering how i get a job with flexibility to travel this much!!
I’m an American who lives in Asia and works for a company with “unlimited leave” and have a higher position. The reality of that means that I can travel a lot but have to check in and work 2-4 hours a day most of my “vacation” days, unless I am literally in a place without service. All in all I end up with around 2-3 weeks of real vacation a year and another 2-4 weeks of the “half” vacation where I get up early and get stuff done before actually going to do fun things wherever I am. It’s not amazing for Europe but way better than anything I ever got in the US.
Is your partner supportive of friends/solo trips, neutral?
He’s supportive. He’s met most of my girlfriends as we live in a destination city, so they pop in every now and then and crash at ours. He’s also come to the conclusion that my more active travel style is not enjoyable to him. So my more active trips are alone or with friends and the trips involving fancy cocktails and museums are the ones he goes on. Also, helpful information, I am the breadwinner. He picks every other “couple” destination, and the amount spent on the types of trips he likes ends up even over the year with my side trips. I spring for business when he’s coming and suffer through economy or use my miles to upgrade on my own, as I’m less fussed unless the flight is over 7 hours. And I have a lot of miles between my work and my trips. For example he loves Disney. Pretty sure I spent more on that weeklong trip than I did for a year and half or maybe even two years of my side trips. We did Stockholm for a wedding last year, and the couples trip was Hawaii, complete with fancy resort. That was my second trip to Hawaii - the first was camping on the beach with the girls travel group. This year is Romania because his family is originally from there and we are staying in boutique historical hotels and bnbs. In the meantime I’ve hiked the Kumano Kodo in Japan staying in rustic minshuku, stayed in hostels and hiked volcanos in Bali, camped and hiked in Patagonia, and did horseback trail rides and camping in Yellowstone for two weeks. The different travel styles helps a lot. He’s a bit of a princess, I’d rather go with a budget than not go, but I do enjoy the fancier trips too - but we can’t afford them as often as I like to travel. It ends up working beautifully.
How did you find your girls travel group? I'd love to be a part of something like this, but all my local female friends are moms with more obligations than me.
I went on an organized women’s trip with 16 women around my age. We formed a group chat, added some folks, and started planning trips together. These days we just sort of flag to the group trip plans we have around 3-6 months in advance and whoever wants to come joins.
My husband and I are opposites and I married early and didn’t know myself well. So now, I want to hike and he does not. I do things I like with my friends and I set some time aside to do things with him. Don’t lose yourself and learn to do things by yourself if nobody else wants to do them with you.
I think in a lot of situations like these, the "adventurer" tends to cave after awhile because they end up feeling guilty for leaving the "homebody" behind, or for having amazing experiences without their spouse (none of which is wrong, the guilt could be self imposed or from the homebody themselves). "Oh, so you're leaving the country again and I have to take care of the house and dog/kid/fish/plants everyday for two weeks?" That kind of stuff can really lead to resentment from both parties. He may not say that now but men tend to develop different expectations of women (and how much they're at home/contributing to household stuff) after marriage especially. I'd definitely have a serious, intentional sit down conversation about this before getting married.
Yeah, this is what I’d be worried about. He’s supportive now, but how will he feel in 2 years? 5? 10? I can see you growing less active and adventurous to come down to his level of comfort. If this happens, can you accept it? What happens if/when health issues arise? Will you still want to travel, or will you stay close to him? You also mention that you’re the breadwinner. This can be problematic for many spouses if you’re out of the country often. Affairs can happen. Not saying that is the case with you two, but it is a common thing to watch out for.
Don’t try to fit into his lifestyle. Doesn’t sound you two are compatible if you don’t start to do the things you like solo.
From the limited information you gave in your initial post my feeling is that you two might not be fully compatible for a life together. I say might not, because in this particular case the decision is yours to make. He seems to be happy with the live you two share, you are the more adventurous one, the question is hence, is life how you live it now "enough" to remain happy "forever" (as you plan to get married and the idea of marriage is until death do us part). Ask yourself the following things: - am I ok to do the things I want to do alone? - is he long term ok with me doing these things alone? (Think now, in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. What if you have children?) - would he (unconsciously) be holding me back in pursuing my dreams because I would much rather do them with him rather than alone, and hence I'm doing less of what I would like to do? - would I start to resent him because he has "no drive"? (from your adventurous perspective, homebody could start to be more and more negatively coined for you) - could my lifestyle potentially decrease his happiness and hence could lead to resentment on his side? - am I 100% ok to accept that he will never change? - will we always be able to find a compromise that leaves both of us genuinely happy with the situation? - would I feel more happy and fulfilled with a partner that is also the adventurous type? (This is the most important question you need to ask yourself, you need to be very honest with yourself here. This is a life deciding question!) --> which leads to the final question, which is also very important. - am I with him because we have a good life together as is, things work and I know what I will get? (Put this in contrast to you breaking up, you starting all over again in dating and finding a new partner. It's a risk you need to know if you are willing to take it. Can you be happy with this man forever, or would you be willing to take the risk to find someone new who is more compatible with your lifestyle? This question is not to be underestimated, many people pick the safe choice, which I think is understandable to a degree. But it is toys safe choice that lead to divorce down the road. Just make sure you are contempt with the decision you will make). So yeah, it's not an easy situation to be in. But good to ask yourself these questions now, rather than 5 years down into marriage. The ball is more in your corner than in his as he appears happy with your life. However, it would be good to have a very open conversation with him to make sure he understands how you would invasion your life together and let him in on the things you want to do. It might be that he is not fully aware to the extent. I'm talking about the adventurous you'd be taking solo, not the shared holidays. Just make sure you two are fully on the same page and you both know what you are "getting yourself into", by signing up for a lifetime together. Dating is meant to see if we are compatible in the long run. In my opinion marriage should only happen when the "trial run" was positive and the outlook for a shared life is positive as well. That all being said, if you can answer all the above questions favorably for your relationship, I don't see why it wouldn't work out between the two of you. My parents have also made it work, they go on one longer holiday a year together, but then they both also do one longer holiday with their friends because my mom and dad enjoy opposite things as hobbies, so they pursue them separately. They generally split their time between doing what brings them joy and then time together. This sounds better on paper than it is in reality in this specific case (unfortunately). I'm glad they are happy as is, but they could have potentially been much more happy had they made other choices. It was a long road for them and without their kids they would not be together anymore today. They overcame the obstacles and are happy enough today because they both wanted to make it work and they put in the work. But it was not easy and I feel they would have both been better off with partners more than themselves because the holiday thing is not their only incompatibility. I wish you all the best OP. You need to think long term here and really need to consider all the different angles of your life together or apart.
I agree. I am now with someone who is also loves to travel and is adventurous. I was with homebodies before whilst I did my own thing - it just was not as fulfilling as I have now. I think it can work, but depends on priorities and how much you want to do together.
Too many women compromise on their lifestyle wants and personality traits and values for men. I see so many women just giving things up or doing them half-heartedly alone feeling a bit sad about it because their partner wont go out of his way for them (but often expects that she bend for him). It's pretty sad. I'm someone who likes doing things solo, have solo travelled around the world - and I meet women like me, and women who really aren't that happy doing things alone like that, but have to because he wont come, or he's a total stick in the mud if he does, and they start doing their activities less and less because it becomes a hassle, or too much of a 'discussion' beforehand. Women still seem so inclined to make themselves small for men.
Totally agree. Personally travel is super important to me and I just don't think I'd be compatible with someone anymore who just... isn't that bothered about travel and has no real hobbies? It's just such a big thing for me and not something I want to compromise on. There's a lot of adventurous people out there who want to see the world, why settle? A lot of women are happy to be with guys who are 'fine'. I'd rather be single to be honest.
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Lmao
Same girl
I've definitely noticed a trend where so many women seem more adventurous and interesting than a lot of men. It's the boat I'm in too, I just want to *go* and *do* and *experience* and he's content puttering around and mowing the lawn in neat stripes lol. Takes a lot of work to get him out of his comfort zone. The world is so much riskier for women so I don't get why this is--are we just braver? There are so many things I would feel safer doing as a man, yet all these men don't even take advantage of that power to live life to the fullest 😭
I wouldn't marry someone who would cause me to compromise on the type of life I want to live.
I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, he definitely doesn’t actively stop me from travelling and is supportive
Do you want to share these memories with him, or are you happy doing them alone? It sounds like he’s OK with you doing your thing separately, but you want to be with him. I was in your situation and it didn’t work out - but for me at least there was a lot of compromising overall this wasn’t the only thing.
It doesn't matter their motivation for doing something. It doesn't matter if it's on purpose or subconscious We have ownership of choosing the type of lives we want for ourselves and that sometimes means not accepting a partner that does not add to or complement our lives If you want a life of adventure with an equally participating partner, he's not it. You are also expecting him to change himself from his ideal state of being. Leaving the relationship on both sides in a constant state of tension and ending up in a suboptimal place for both.
Does he enjoy hearing about your adventures? Like really enjoy hearing about them?
Oh man, thats like me and my husband. My husband is so content having a slow lifestyle with me and our kids. He grew up in a toxic/abusive home, so he is happy as long as we’re together as a family. I always dreamed of traveling and doing adventurous things. Going to different countries, trying different activities like parasailing, sky diving, zip lining, etc. However, my husband is NOT into that sorta thing at all. We have been married a decade, and there are times I get a little sad because we aren’t compatible in that way. I think compromise is key in marriage. Tell him that while you love spending time with him at home, its important that you have adventures too (at least once in a while). Find the middle ground. Have you guys had a talk about having kids? Having kids will really limit your time/energy for travel.
> Tell him that while you love spending time with him at home, its important that you have adventures too (at least once in a while). Find the middle ground. Lol, the middle ground is him not changing his ways at all and her having to stifle herself to "once in a while" get out by herself. How joyful. FFS Ladies/Theys and others, please live your life on your terms and if a man can't keep up with you - ditch him and go solo until someone who actually can *meet you where you are* comes along
I meant him coming along too. She mentioned that he was supportive of her travels/adventures.
are you sure you're the right match?
I had a partner like this. I will say at the time I saw an incompatibility, but it DID allow me to spend a lot of time with my friends and those relationships flourished. He hated going out, so I just lived like a single college girl and did everything/my hobbies/trying new restaurants with my girlfriends or alone. Eccentric travel suggestions like Cuba, NYC or Memphis were always a “no”, so I solo traveled. In my new relationship, I don’t see my friends a much, because my partner wants to do everything I like with me. Seeing theater, shopping at the mall, traveling to NYC twice…. We’ve only been dating a year but have so many memories just because he will entertain my interests. Definitely a preference which life you have to lead. To survive the relationship, that homebody partner would need to put effort into bonding activities/dates for us both, not just sitting on the couch.
I was in a relationship like this (he was the homebody as well), and I ended up losing myself trying to convince myself I liked the homebody lifestyle. It didn't work out between us - the lifestyle was part of it but there were other factors contributing to that decision too. I echo was others have said here: you need to be okay with doing things on your own and/or without him to stay fulfilled in your own life. And he needs to be supportive of it too. If both those things can't exist in your relationship, you might have some hard decisions to make.
I guess it kinda depends if you want kids? If you do then the homebody lifestyle is kinda forced on you, but yeh I get really depressed by sitting inside all day so understand the struggle. Even if I do other stuff separately, I just find it depressing always being around someone with 0 hobbies/activity. Does he at least go to the gym or something?
Who says a person has 0 hobbies/activities just because they are a homebody/travelling is not their hobby? Travelling is just one hobby out of many possibilities
But OP said that her bf only came home and watched football, so I assume has no other hobbies? If the *only* issue is that he isn’t as enthusiastic about travel then sure, I think it’s a mistake to break up over it
Do stuff you want to do. This won’t work if you don’t start doing things you like to do. With or without him.
My aunt and uncle were married for many years before she died, and they had very different ideas around travel. He was a 5 star hotel guy, and she was a $10 a night in Mexico City kind of lady. She had been all over the world, much of it without him. She would go on his kind of vacation occasionally, and then take off on her own doing the type of travel she enjoyed. She had friends in various countries she visited, and they came to visit her. It worked very well for them. I’m glad my husband likes the kind of travel I like, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me, as long as he was okay with me doing my own thing. I have a girlfriend who frequently travels with my husband and I because her husband is a total homebody and not at all interested in seeing the world. It works great for them too. Couple don’t have to do everything together, and it gives you more to talk about when you’re not together 100% of the time. Do what works for you.
My live-in boyfriend for a few years of university was like this. Every time I wanted to do something the idea was shut down and I ended up doing nothing for years. I felt old and tired, unstimulated, lifeless, bored. Luckily it turned out he was cheating on me and he went behind my back and got another apartment and moved out. As devastated as I was, I remember looking in the mirror and watching my face unclench itself. In a split second I went from feeling old and washed up like my life was already over to feeling Young, hot, and ready for anything. I dug through my wardrobe to find something sexy and exciting to wear like my old self and immediately started LIVING. I spent the next few years compensating very hard for missed time. Eventually I met my husband and he is game for anything and everything and we do it together. Your options are: 1. Suck it up and be satisfied with a partner whose lifestyle is not compatible with your own which might crush your soul, your dreams, and make you feel like you've wasted your life. 2. Do all of the fun things by yourself. Relationships can't always withstand that. 3. Cut yourself loose and go after what you really want in life because you only get one life to live and it's a short one.
My personal experience was when I stopped waiting around for my husband to travel etc, we started growing apart. Travel can be big and life changing, so it’s sort of natural. That said, I also know people whose spouses are homebodies and it actually kind of works out nicely for them - they get a lot more freedom to travel than they would otherwise because spouse is happy to stay home with the kids. I would really try and get clear on whether having an adventure partner is important to you before you get married. I also think for it to work well it takes a conscious effort for your partner to be supportive and ‘involved’ in your travels by asking questions, listening to stories, etc. Edit: the husband is now ex-husband, for various reasons but in no small part because I realized that we wanted different things.
Are you sure you're both compatible? I mean there is the saying that opposites attract, but you admitted you're losing a bit of yourself to fit into his ideal lifestyle. This could grow into resentment years later.
There are lots of us in this boat. Actually there is a whole industry that caters to it. Just google women’s solo adventures. I’m going hiking in Sedona soon while my husband is going to…sit on the couch and watch NASCAR. Which is fine, but I’m tired of our vacations being planned around where there’s a racetrack.
Are you going with a group / travel company? I am just starting to look at these type of trips and as someone who’s worked in travel and tourism most of their adult life I’m wary about group travel and have always shied away from intentionally going on one.
Backroads is a company I've used because I like hiking. It's a group but you have to travel yourself to the destination. You have a base camp so to speak where the group meets and then you set out together. They have an itinerary so you can see what you'll be doing but they have some daily options to choose. There are companies that cater to other types of travel such as different cities/country tours in Europe. It's niche. There are varying levels of planning. I personally like to book my own flights but there are some that include that in your price too. Also, these are smallish groups, not like 40 people. I find hiking national parks with strangers is fine but I probably would want someone I know with me in a foreign country where I'm not fluent. Just depends on what you're comfortable with. I'd go to Ireland alone but not France. For me it's not entirely about safety, I have anxiety about being alone out in public. I would feel fine hiking alone in the woods but would be extremely stressed to be in a large art museum by myself and I need other people around that I know. Even if it's someone I've just been assigned to 15 minutes ago.
Honestly it sounds like your lifestyles aren't compatible and it will breed resentment long term. Maybe don't get married?
It sounds like you’re not that compatible tbh. How do you feel about going on solo trips? Do you want kids? Does he want kids? It kind of really sounds like you guys might want different things
I think a deep talk is required to lay out explicitly a few things. What is reasonable accommodations of a middle ground between both people? A marriage has to be able to let each person have the space to be the person they are, but also for you to meet them in theirs. Are you really losing yourself or are you incorporating a part of them into your life and it's merely feeling foreign? This I think is important to discern. I am the adventurous one but also I carry a lot of trauma to unpack in why slow life is actually scary for me. I am far more comfortable now and it feels nice to have slow moments too. It adds another variety to my life and are new experiences for someone whose never had stability and safety enough to be allowed to enjoy simple pleasures. Theres so many novel things to do at home too I realize. My life was in a suitcase for so long, I never got to enjoy building skills like painting or enjoying having dogs, cooking meals from my travels. I have gotten to know my home really well - I am that friend who know all the hidden gem things to do, the best places to eat, all the festivals, events, concerts I am there! My husband wasn't really a traveler but was open and wanted to experience it. That can be also overwhelming and he needed time to adjust to that also but he loves our adventures Recognize that being adventurous, a traveler and a nomad lifestyle has cross overs but aren't the same thing. It sounds like you crave to be able to have long stays and live/work like that which is on the farther end of this scale. Many people can meet your needs when it comes to adventuring and traveling, but many folks are not digital nomad lifestyle, that's a bit more niche. That's OK to be in a niche but maybe making nomad friendships can be the commraderie you seek. I felt less worried about my friends and family not meeting my needs because my tour family was that. It sounds like part of the issue isn't their openess to travel with, but that you seek out someone with a fervor for it and would share in the emotional labor of planning, suggesting, etc. I think maybe if this is important to you, when you are both traveling somewhere, have them do some research and come to the table with itinerary items they want to experience with you. I get this as the planner person sometimes it feels being cared for when someone collaborates or takes the reins. My husband now will be the one to grab the laptop and sit me down to book all our things. He's being vocal when it comes to eating options, things were going to go see. This can work for couples but this requires talks about the one left at home too. Some folks love their homebody life no matter what and some crave that only with a partner. Your fiance needs to soul search on what things would make them feel resentful, what things make them feel seen and loved from afar during those periods, what things when you are home are important to them to do in order to feel connected to you. I think an important thing to look at is how full is their life outside of your partnership and how much they engage in that? I'm less worried about a partner who seek out other people. When I was gone for a month my partner was at weekly dinners at his grandma's and mom's, he went to go do stuff with friends, he produced music in the studio. His life didn't stop without me. This also means looking st how they are with household labor. I'm sorry to say a lot of men don't often share in the household weight or have initiative so when you leave and they have to care for themselves it breeds resentment. That is not your fault, they're grown and should act grown but you gotta put the "love him" aside and be fucking for real if that's problematic in your life now. There's many folks who have a partner at home where they can take care of themselves and the absence has the heart grow fonder. It just takes having real talks and looking at their flaws to understand if they're that person or not. And if he isn't it then don't marry him. Most of us who were touring on bands and musicals and shows I worked on mostly had partners so it's not uncommon but they were either independent homebodies or they were nomads like us on tour too.
This is such good, nuanced advice. Props to you, poster, for sharing this with compassion.
I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow in the knee ;) couldn’t help it But I do relate to both of you, oddly. I can be both an avid adventurer like you, or a homebody like him. As long as you are happy with him and he with you, that’s all that really matters.
Sorry to be the Debby Downer here, but please think long and hard about getting married. Some sessions with a good counsellor would probably be helpful. It’s just that, from what you describe in your post, you two seem to be incompatible.
>Im an adventurer and my partner is a homebody, Why the fuck do people keep doing this shit to themselves?! It's like the women who say "I really need a partner who is emotionally intelligent and affectionate, but my partner doesn't understand emotions, doesn't talk much and doesn't like physical touch, anyway we've been together 3 years. I do all the cooking and cleaning..." Is someone *forcing* you to date someone who is the opposite of what you want/need/enjoy? No? Then it's a problem you bought on yourself. There is no need to enjoy all the same activities, or do the activities you do enjoy together ALWAYS together - but most people would be happier if they had a common ground of lifestyle/wants and values. Valuing adventure and novelty and pushing out of your comfort zone and wanting to live abroad doesn't tend to jive well with someone who not only doesn't really want adventure or change, but would rather just be at home. It's sad how many women are in relationships with men they really have major differences in lifestyle with - and more of than not, his lifestyle takes precedence and he wont stretch himself for her either.
My ex husband hated traveling. To this day he has traveled to maybe 2 places tops with his new wife. My current husband and I love to travel. We've probably visited 8 different countries since we've been together. We also agree on what the future looks like together. Sounds like you two need to talk. Would he be fine with moving to NYC or Japan for a month?
Even if he was enthusiastic about living abroad for a month: that isn't very compatible with most people's working live and reality. Yes, home office and working from anywhere has become a bit of a thing, but it highly depends on the sector you are working in, your finances, state of the law in the destination country etc. It's not a simple, little thing to ask your partner to join you on.
You’ll grow apart and regret marrying each other possibly if you don’t enjoy same lifestyles. Speaking from experience
I am more like your partner, so I can speak to that. I need stability to feel peace in my life. I have a routine with my cats and my husband. We do live adventures and take vacations when possible, but being away from home for too long is exhausting to us and makes me feel ungrounded. If your partner is like me, it’ll be very difficult to get him to change his lifestyle to something you want or need. It can be done, but it’s taxing on both partners.
I think you should have an honest and open discussion explicitly about whether your lifestyles will be compatible in the long run. Then you can see if there are compromises or such to make. Me and my partner have a similar situation except I'm more of the homebody. I did move abroad for him and occasionally make trips myself to a LARP in a (now nearby) country, and plan some trips with my friends (though this never happened yet), but in general, I prefer to live a more quiet life. He likes to go sailing, hiking (I do too but only if there's a hotel to return to for the night etc), camping, and so forth on a regular basis. The way we do it is that he will go with other people and I stay home. If we have kids in the future, he is optimistic about taking the kids sometimes to the trips and sometimes they could stay home with me. This is our actionable plan and we're both happy with it. But what *isn't* a sustainable solution is you both silently looking at each other's lifestyles with a slowly growing resentment until the situation eventually erupts when you're married for 3 years and one of you realized they can't live like this and you don't have matching life goals. One of those things you might need to have a frank discussion about it the question of children, before you get married.
Accept it, adapt to it, or learn to consider it as the dealbreaker it may be and move on. I am am very extroverted naturally, I love people-ing. I was married previously to a pretty hardcore introvert. He would spend most of his free time at home by himself (because I could only stand to be home doing whatever for so long) and was totally fine with that. We married too young and he was a rebound from the person who raped and abused me, he was safe and we totally didn’t belong together. So, I didn’t know me and I didn’t know what I wanted. I was miserable for years with this dynamic. His introvert needs not being met and my extrovert needs also not being met. I would very strongly encourage you to very strongly consider if what you are experiencing now (that is prompting this post about being unhappy) is something you want to have be the case for you forever. If you don’t like it now and you’re not married, you’re only gonna hate it more and be resentful of your partner if you get married. Take from a jaded adventurer, you do not want to lock down unhappiness into a marriage when you noticed it BEFORE you got married!
As a married person my opinion would be to not marry him. I think in a few years you each will become resentful towards the other because your lifestyles are so different. I think you need to reevaluate what makes the two of you compatible and see if that is more important than your introvert/extrovert personality/lifestyle.
Why are people like this? This is a core incompatibility and the two of you never should've continued past a few dates. Move on and find someone who wants to live the same life as you.
Why are you about to marry someone you aren't compatible with? You want different things from life.
My partner and I are the same. So are my parents. I do get annoyed with him sometimes but for the most part we just compromise. He also gives me a tonne of room to go on adventures with my friends, or on my own. Sometimes I just bring him with me to things and he can sit in the hotel and do his own thing but I get to be with him in the evening when I get home from activities. My parents do similar. Remember, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to be *everything* for you. You gotta get some of your needs met elsewhere. It’s the healthy thing to do and realizing that really helped me a lot.
>Remember, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to be everything for you. Right... but it's realistic to what and have a relationship with someone who has similar lifestyle goals as you... in fact, it's ridiculous so many people , actually not people, mostly *women* compromise on this on lifestyle goals/values.
There’s always going to be compromise. If you don’t wanna make at least some or diversify where your needs get met, you probably won’t stay in the same relationship very long. And I mean, nothing wrong with that.
Yes, there is going to be compromise and there are many places to compromise in relationships - but compromising on your LIFESTYLE and values for someone you want 'share your life with' is dumb quite frankly. Why are you trying to share your life with someone who wants a different life? It's rooted in 'necessary marriage'.
Woah, I did not say that. But thanks for clarifying what you meant. Of course I don’t think you need to compromise your whole lifestyle, that’s unreasonable.
Travel with friends
Do some traveling without him. You can go on tours so you meet people or maybe you have a friend who would go too.
Im in a similar position right now too and am not sure what Ill do.
You can be your authenity self and still be your "boring" partner's ideal partner. Opposites can be amazing and healthy. If you embance your true, adventurious self and do what you want to do (even if it means going on adventures without them) and your partner cant handle it-then you have a choice to make.
Why would you marry him?
My friend is going through this right now. I don’t have anything besides trying to talk about it and your expectations openly with each other, especially if you’re to be married. I don’t know how you’re communicating currently but maybe it’s not clear that you want a bit more effort in your hobbies since you seem to be conforming to his? Some balance. If you want him more invested in travel and adventure in general, perhaps come up with some local ideas and lists that you would want to do. He comes up with his ideas too. Then come up with some a few hours away, then other states, and so on. Then come up with some international plans that you both like. I would do this as a joint activity or ask him to research some on his own, come back together and put your ideas together. Now you have a list and he can have responsibility starting to plan some of these while you also plan some? A timeline of sorts. I would generally just be open and see if he’s willing to also embrace your life style. I know it might be like I don’t want to do all the work but sometimes it’s starting some of the work for them to see and make things better for you as a couple in the future?? Idk just some thoughts haha. Good luck!!
Who says you need to be in the same house if you’re together? Plan those things for yourself and just be LDR for whenever you’re not there. I’m this way and I would regret my life if I wouldn’t be able to do this. This is who I am. If he can’t deal with you doing this while he stays home, perhaps you love him but he’s not the right one for you. You love him enough to let him stay home, he loves you enough to let you explore.
I know this isnt ideal for everyone-but you can have adventures solo or with friends. I'm an introvert and will take 1 or 2 weekend trips just by myself. Reading, musuems, Pokemon Go. I'll go to my town's weekly block party and people watch while my partner relaxs at home. Its fine. Its healthy
It depends on different things 1. Are you in love/want the relationship? 2. Do you feel you need a romantic partner to join you on these things for it to be fulfilling and enjoyable? (Like would sharing the experience with friends or other people scratch that itch? Or would you like a romantic partner to “know” that side of you and share it?) 3. Are both of you willing to reframe the relationship in a way that’s satisfying for both of you? It can be a dealbreaker but it doesn’t have to be.. trying to get an answer to these questions will help you determine what you should do. It’s highly individual
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This sounds like me and my ex-husband, a little bit. We had two small children and while we went on family vacations with them and traveled before we had kids, he had the desire to travel to less kid-friendly places. At that point in my life I was unwilling to, because my kids were little and I didn't feel comfortable leaving them for a week or two at a time with our aging parents. You might just have to travel without him sometimes. Go with friends, or by yourself. Obviously since he's an *ex* husband, we didn't work out, unsure if my unwillingness to leave my small kids for extended periods of time played a part in that. He has a new partner now and they travel a lot. It's easier when you don't have to seek childcare arrangements I guess...
Wow. He is a lovely guy. You could describe a cup of tea this way. For someone who craves a life of adventure and excitement, this sounds boring.
I cannot even *imagine* being with a man who wasn't as equally into travelling as I am!