This might be the dumbest comment on that site I’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot (formatting might be weird bc I’m on mobile)
“cutting cords*
September 30, 2022 at 10:17 pm
I’m thinking of finally getting rid of my land line (I know) and just using my cell phone. My question: we have a house with 2 large stories plus basement. Would I have to take my cell with me all over my house so I can hear if someone calls me? That seems impractical. How do other people who live in large-ish spaces do this?”
Oooh I just had a thought. Are they writing in from a late 80s time warp and the only mobile phone they can get access to is the kind that came in a big briefcase and used a car battery?
I also hate the post about winter clothes for a trip to Berlin because I want to reply with
"Berlin has shops too". Like...it might be as cold as you think. And if you aren't prepared, you can buy something warm!
omg she actually gave her exact measurements what exactly is she expecting? Like, I get asking for say brand recommendations, but does she just want someone to find the exact clothes she needs in her size and just type “click this link and put credit card number in”?
Not related to any letters, meta topic. It is absolutely mind blowing how many people out there get by just by having their job memorized. Like somebody showed them how to do it and they just memorized the steps they needed to take in order to get the desired outcome but they essentially have no idea what they are actually doing. They have zero clue what relationship Step 1 has to Outcome A, they just know that if they do it everything works…. Until a minor deviation comes along and everything grinds to a halt
Yup. My colleague is 67 and marking time until she retires. I'm 43 in a month's time and although I'm happy in a dead end job, I want to at least explore other options and do some personal development. I want to move closer to home and do customer service where people are still in-person and actually value my work; I want to take advantage of the networking being in a larger national organisation affords me, and most importantly I don't want to spend my days in constant rebellion against reality. But for me, it's actually my direct supervisor who is putting obstacles in my way to do that sort of thing -- because we're in a tight coverage job and my colleague is uninterested in doing anything like that, I have little leeway to do extra training or go to workshops even online because it would impose coverage duties on her without me being able to reciprocate.
I've got Monday off but I just know I'm going back into a shitstorm on Tuesday because upper management want us to go on an interesting mental health related course, but it's in person and we have limited slots available locally, meaning that our supervisor is going to stall and delay until all that's left is a Teams video of other people engaging with the training and being able to interact/network with others.
It should not be this hard to get personal development rather than have as many rights to a further career as a vacuum cleaner does.
Its the difference between knowing a job and understanding a job. Once you understand a job, it becomes much easier to do. It also makes it easier to be more efficient.
Yup. I've set up spreadsheets on Teams for others to see their tracking numbers at a glance when we send out packets for them (IT kit is most of what goes out by post these days so it needs to be tracked). My colleague is old-school and accumulated tons of paper, which meant that if a packet got lost, we had to hunt through sheets and sheets that no-one had collected in weeks and find one number to check.
So eventually I stole a march on her and composed the spreadsheets. Her hostility to computers isn't going to cost her much personal capital -- she's 67 and can retire, but could be here another ten years for all anyone cares -- but my need to streamline things eventually won out and I got the opportunity to make things my own.
My only problem is that obviously I go on holiday every so often and she has to struggle on with her paper system, but that's her lookout, not mine. Meanwhile I'm building up capital to take elsewhere as proof that I'm not just a warm butt in a cold chair and get something that's more stimulating and much closer to home.
I agree. I've come across many people in my career who know how to do something step by step without the procedures, but if someone tells them to skip a step, or do something extra before the next step, it completely throws them off and everything stops. And that's because they don't know WHY they're doing what they're doing, in the way they're doing it. And forget asking them, "So what happens if you do x instead of y?" They're stumped.
Who are these people? Can't find underwear. Can't find tights (leaving aside whether you need a base layer, as if you're hiking Everest, to spend ten days in a city where you're probably going to be indoors or on transit most of the time). Don't they have Google? It takes thirty seconds to google this shit and come up with a list of ratings, blogs going over it, some Reddit post where someone has given their opinion on 15 different types. What are they getting out of AAM commenters saying "Hanes!" that they couldn't get by looking for themselves?
Is anyone else as confused by the Carry On luggage question as me? She is so nervous her carry on may be checked and may be lost….but ofc the only alternative is a checked bag which has a much higher chance of getting lost then the hypothetical gate checked bag which may not even happen?!? The research into the planes- why does she 100% think all carry on bags are gated checked?! So many questions with this one…
[RagingADHD is the best.](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/weekend-open-thread-october-1-2-2022.html#comment-4028381)
>If you think a rare chance of something going wrong means it is “pointless,” then I’m not sure how you navigate ordinary daily risks.
This is pretty much the long and short of it. If you're worried that your bag is too big and is going to get lost, take less stuff so you can take a smaller bag that is unlikely to get gate checked. There are thousands of options and lots of places that give you tips for traveling with just a carry on.
It's sensible to be prepared for such a thing -- like bring a personal item (plastic bag will do in a pinch) so that you can take your most important items, like a passport or medication, out of your carry on in case you have to gate check it. But always expecting the worst case scenario is kind of pathological.
Yeah can’t she just bring a backpack? I have a slightly larger than usual backpack from Dagne Dover that can fit what I need for more than a long weekend or at the very least, my regular carryon stuff + some emergency stuff if anything happens to my regular luggage. I’ve never had a problem stuffing that + my handbag under any type of plane seat.
Yup. The rise of having to pay for checked luggage means that the airlines become more generous with carry ons. I've done week long city breaks with carry on bags one way and then a return trip checking in my suitcase and stuffing a holdall full of collectable books on the way back.
I agree with RADHD that these people just aren't functional day to day and just can't cope when things go wrong. I've spent my life grappling with anxiety and stress and autism and other nasty neurological issues and *somehow* I can get myself to and from a foreign city without dissolving.
It actually gives me a weird sense of confidence: however dysfunctional I am, I'm still miles better than most of the commenters on AAM.
I kind of get it because I’ve been forced to check my bag and then it was lost for almost my entire trip. And on small regional jets they gate check all roller bags, so if she’s using a regional jet it’s a concern. One that’s easily solvable though!
If it's a tiny regional jet don't they just usually give it to you on your way off the plane? That's what happened to me the one time I had to do that.
Yes. Was a regional airline employee for over a decade and always liked that part about flying on our own product. I once handed off my bag to the ramp agent before pulling my laptop out and had a brief “oh SHIT” moment on the plane, but it was fine - and far safer than it would have been if it had to take the conventional journey from checkin to plane to baggage claim.
Yeah that’s what gate checking is, but it can still get lost or left behind, just less common than when you fully check it. They just need to get a bag that fits under their seat and free themself from these thoughts lol
Oh for sure. I've been aspirationally following the "one bag" subs for a while now and I'm definitely planning to do that for my next trip. I did a week in Mexico a few years ago with just a large backpack and it was great.
I’m on vacation now and that happened to me. Was asked if I’d gate check since it was complimentary and I’ve never had issues before gate checking so I said sure. Airline put it on the wrong connecting flight. At least lt was on one that was going to my destination. Once I landed I was able to get everything sorted. If you’re not used to flying I can get having that fear but making such a big deal if it isn’t worth it. Airlines are pretty clear about can and can’t fit on their website. Just find a bag that will fit.
I was impressed with airBaltic. I was flying to Vilnius via Riga, and the flight from Gatwick was late in. I missed the mad dash to the Vilnius gate. The airline had already guessed I wouldn't make the connection and checked my bag onto the next Vilnius departure in an hour or so's time.
Lufthansa, however, are three for three with bad experiences. I haven't flown with them for twenty years now, but in three trips around the turn of the century they managed to lose my bags twice and book me on to a flight at the wrong airport (in the early days of eticketing). Then there was the flight that was cancelled two days before Christmas due to 'weather' when every single other flight was getting out on time. The airline rep had a mutiny on her hands when she claimed there was nothing she could do and the next flights to Dublin (where my mum lived at the time -- I joined her the following year) were on the 27th or something crazy like that. She called the police to handle us, the police arrived and forced her to charter a flight for the following morning. I spent the night with a fellow passenger at her house not far from Gatwick (Croydon, I believe) and shared the Christmas chocolates I'd brought with me from a trip to Vienna the previous week (boozy student junket -- being in the Young Europeans was awesome). We reached Dublin the following morning.
NB I am not sure just how the police forced the airline -- BA IIRC -- to do anything but this was 20 years ago and I wasn't privy to all the negotiations. The rumour was that the pilots were all drunk, it being 23 December, but I couldn't possibly say for certain. The reason BA would have claimed it was weather is because they wouldn't have been responsible for anything in that circumstance, but the airport was open and flights to Dublin had left all afternoon. So...BA are still pretty good -- I trust them literally with my life.
Despite there being very few fatal accidents in Europe or America (even the 737 Max accidents weren't over Europe) for a good decade now, I'm not a confident flyer. My solution to take off anxiety is to set an alarm for what will be the middle of the climb -- you're too distracted searching for your phone to switch it off that by the time it's sorted, the plane is levelling off.
Open thread about the person whose husband won't go with them to the doctor because it is probably "female issues" - first off, that poor OP. That husband sucks.
But how the hell is this a helpful comment?
>Falling Diphthong*
October 1, 2022 at 7:44 am
>My husband went with me to the appointment where I got diagnosed with breast cancer.
Yes and borderline cruel. I think that commenter has been known for inane comments (I might be mixing them up, honestly) but still, if you have nothing constructive to say, maybe dont say it??
It’s because everyone belongs to a niche industry! And perhaps even a niche country in this case.
>PsychNurse*
October 1, 2022 at 7:13 am
I have a question about this site general. It is the norm on AskAManager that nobody gives any details that are even remotely specific. Like, I would be interested to hear what country you’re in– but nobody ever says “We live in Sweden.” They say “We live in a country where English is not the primary language.” Or if someone is asking a work question, they say “I work in a very large and somewhat prestigious industry” rather than “I work in investment banking.” Anybody have any insight into why? (Obviously I know people are trying to avoid getting identified by their coworkers, but naming an industry or a country wouldn’t do that, so there must be more to it.)
I love THIS response:
"Octavia*
October 1, 2022 at 8:47 am
I can’t speak for the OP, but I do this across the internet, not just on AAM. One specific detail like profession or country may not be identifying, but those facts in combination with others that come up in discussion might be (or on other places where someone may use the same user name). Even writing style can “out” someone – famous case is Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman.
Just my two cents."
Lady, you are NOT Stephen King. Unless you are the ghost of Octavia Butler, no one is going to be able to identify your writing style from the hundreds of other worried, quibbling AAM-ers. Most of you sound so similar.
I used to make comments on another forum. Some were a tad nasty, I admit. Someone was convinced that another user was me under another name. I only had one user name, so they were *wrong!* I don't think I care enough to have multiple user names.
This is "unkind," but I've always suspected that a handful of LWs do it because more details would blow up their story and not get them the answer they want.
"My boss denied my week off next spring. I gave nine months' notice! This place is completely toxic. What can I tell my boss to get him to give me the week off?"
\[Missing info: they are a tax accountant and requested the first week of April off.\]
And once again, an accurate assessment from RagingADHD. Unkind!
>RagingADHD*
October 1, 2022 at 9:31 am
1) Paranoia and poor risk assessment. Often the people who believe that they are obscuring their internet footprint are actually leaving a far more identifiable trail than they realize because they are bad at assessing which details are identifiable.
You left off the part where Raging acts out a typical comment section, which I think is the best part. Wonder if it will get deleted?
RagingADHD*October 1, 2022 at 9:31 am
1) Paranoia and poor risk assessment. Often the people who believe that they are obscuring their internet footprint are actually leaving a far more identifiable trail than they realize because they are bad at assessing which details are identifiable.
2) Avoiding derailing or insulting commentary. You can pick any country, industry, or job, and there will be someone with a negative opinion about it that has nothing to do with your question. And they just itching to tell you how awful the place you live / work is.
Actually, it’s still derailing if the opinions are positive. It’s not helpful if you ask a substantive question and just get a string of “I love Sweden, it’s so beautiful!”
“I’ve always wanted to visit! I saw a Swedish person on TV once!”
“As a Swede, do you know if Swedish Fish were invented there?”
“Don’t call people Swedes, that’s a vegetable. The preferred term is Swedish person or person from Sweden.”
“No, that’s not a thing, actually. Swede is a perfectly okay term.”
“Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother the OP!”
“I’m allergic to Swedish Fish, I almost died when my narcissist mother-in-law slipped one into my Jello.”
Do you remember when somebody wrote a letter that basically said “my boss invited me up to his hotel room, how do I say no and make this not weird?” And got zero helpful advice because they happened to mention marijuana in the letter
I wish to goodness people would include their industry but this is exactly right, it would just create a cavalcade of "let's talk about that industry." "I work in accounting" "OMG I heard accounting is so bad, they chew up and spit out young graduates." "No accounting is incredibly chill, I've worked there for 3 months from August to October and it's great! I have amazing work life balance!" or "I work in editing" "Editing is such a terrible industry because they deliberately pay bad wages and expect people to have a wealthy support system!" "Well that may be true but I love my job and I never want to leave it and I'm not responsible for fixing the pay scale!" "By staying in an industry you're contributing to the wage gap and unfair treatment of young people!"
And blah blah blah blah blah.
I commented on that thread and the one with the jerk husband and my comments got nuked. I’m back in AAM jail for the cardinal sin of speaking out against EW.
That EW can’t berate people who give her a hard time about her job search because “you don’t know my job search”, because we do, because she tells us all the time.
And now in the weekend thread, we have someone trying to figure out how to deal with a cellphone in a house. Would they have to *pick it up and carry it around*?
Who wants to bet that "cutting cords" is Flowers / Potatoes?
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/weekend-open-thread-october-1-2-2022.html#comment-4028154
I thought we ignore unsolicited phone calls anyway?
Seriously, I've never had a landline. And most people haven't had it in decade. The landline companies were bought by cell companies and made the monthly fees ridiculous in an attempt to get rid. If your house is so big that you can't hear it. You call back when you notice missed call. Not that difficult.
I work in telecom. We hate how expensive landlines are too, and it’s actually expensive for 2 reasons: insane regulatory taxes and fees that we have no control over, and the fact that the aging copper infrastructure that landlines use is incredibly expensive to maintain. There’s a reason why the industry as a whole is migrating to fiber products (so VoIP). VoIP is a lot cheaper for the end user especially since it doesn’t have those same giant taxes and fees.
I feel like AAM is making me more stupid (stupider?) with each post.
*Maggie\**
*September 30, 2022 at 10:37 pm*
*I think most people carry their phone without them throughout the day.*
*REPLY▼ Collapse 9 replies*
*cutting cords\**
*September 30, 2022 at 10:40 pm*
*Huh. So if I’m on the top level and my husband calls to me from the basement and I go to see what he wants, I’d pick up my phone and carry it with me even though I don’t know if I’ll be gone 1 minute or 30 minutes? It seems like such a hassle.*
ETA: I love this person's reply, because, really, what the hell else can one say?
*LilPinkSock\**
*October 1, 2022 at 3:13 pm*
*Yes.*
This is the type of question that is so dumb it feels like there should be consequences. Like Alison should flag it as being too stupid for her thread, or the commenters should write only sarcastic responses, or the earth should open up and swallow Ms. Three Stories while she flails around grasping for a landline to call for help with.
But, instead there's just other people taking the time to explain how to carry a small item or check for missed calls. It's disappointing.
I thought I heard some heavy snark in the replies about how voicemail exists, and you wont die if you miss a call.
Thats the thing: if you moderate out anyone who overtly points out a dumb question, the dumb questions take over.
Before I clicked on the link I thought you must be exaggerating, no one is that incapable but I clearly underestimated AAM commentors. Bet they are a 'rockstar' in their job though.
This is what kills me. They all think they’re irreplaceable and do the job of six people but then fail to recognize that their own comments and questions give them away as bumbling, stubborn, unadaptable idiots whenever something out of their norm occurs.
There are two options: take it with you everywhere or leave it in one place and check it occasionally, and it sounds like she doesn't want to carry it with her, so problem solved lol. I don't know why she's acting like there are so many options in the flow chart.
So absurd. Many of us are surgically attached to our phones these days anyway so it's always in a pocket or something. They could also get a smart speaker for every room if they are that worried about it.
“BuT woMeN’s paNts Don’T HavE PocKetS”
(Which is totally different from my experience. I have a stupidly large phone and it still fits in my back pocket, no matter whether I’m wearing women’s jeans or men’s. With dress pants, I find that the back pockets are smaller, but the front pockets are bigger, so I can use those.)
I do often have the problem that my giant phone doesn't fit in any pants pocket. Maybe it's just my bad clothing choices? But usually when I'm around the house I make a point of wearing something with pockets. Or just carry it to another room and set it on the table or something.
The good news today feels like “non-news”
LW1: I recommended someone for a different job with higher pay and let her know at work during an interview that it was OK to work for money. Much hero.
LW2: I found a new job after being laid off. OK and?
LW3: My boss has to baby me through my meetings and here’s a checkbox for “neurodivergent” on my AAM bingo card. (I wonder how long the boss’s patience will last since LW has this issue at every job.)
LW4: I followed all your advice blah blah blah and got a zillion dollars more than my last job.
LW5: Another “I got a great job with an insane raise and everything I could ever want” update. And May 20th is so fetch.
I just realized that Puppy! hasn't been in the open threads for months. I know she got a fairly chilly reception last time (although Alison nuked most of the responses), but do you think she just flounced, or did she actually dump the dog when the cuteness factor wore off?
She couldn’t take care of the dog herself and already dumped her older dog so I’m going to say she re-homed the puppy as well. Probably for the best because she said many times that she literally couldn’t care for the dog herself. Maybe her “team puppy” had to scale back their involvement
In the TryGuys thread, Artemesia wrote a [comment](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/the-try-guys-drama-when-a-coworker-badgers-you-about-holiday-time-off-and-more.html#comment-4026515) about having never heard of them. Someone else responds with a comment that starts with, "But you're pretty old, right?" (From the rest of the comment, they're being earnest, not snarky.) Of course someone else has to jump in with "YoU oWe HeR aN aPoLoGy FoR bEiNg AgEiSt." And a few folks with, "I'm 40 and have never heard of them, guess I'm 'pretty old' too."
Myrin and Artemesia respond back that she's "actually elderly" and there's no offense taken, so in this universe of reasonable and thoughtful commenters, that's the end of it
(Narrator: It was most certainly not the end of it.)
Personally, it’s a pet peeve of mine when you’re talking to someone about something and they say I’ve never heard of that before, as though based on that it’s not relevant.
It’s so self-centred, do they think thatonly when they”ve heard of a thing it’s worthy of consideration.
The universe doesn’t revolve around them.
In a group online discussion, there's really no need to say anything, is there? If you're not interested in the topic and don't know anything about it, it's fine to just not comment on that topic and skip to the next thread. It's not like the people in that thread were specifically addressing her, right?
A lot of times the comments aren’t genuine interest in the topic but more of a way to express contempt / disdain for the topic. It’s super common on /r/television and other pop culture subreddits where someone will start a thread about a tv show, movie, etc. and there’s inevitably a comment from someone saying something like, “I’ve never seen this show, it sounds stupid” or “I don’t care about stuff like that, never even heard of it”.
For me, it’s the tone. “Oh, I’ve never heard of them” can be said in a way that’s like … I’m not completely uninterested in what you’re saying, I just need a little context or background. Vs “pfft, never heard of them” and a complete dismissal of what someone is eager to tell you about, in a tone that makes it seem like it’s weird that the one who brought them up would know or care about them, either. It’s very similar to the “I don’t own a TV” line that used to be said by some with an uppity arrogance as if that made them superior and above such silly distractions (before streaming on phones and computers became an option).
ETA: I try to read online comments with a benefit of the doubt, so I rarely notice it there. I’m referring to in-person interactions.
Uh, I say this in the hopes that they'll tell me more about this new or interesting thing. Its called having a conversation.
You sound really fun to be around!
Also, I’d say it so that the other person will understand that without that background it’s going to become a very one-sided conversation — but I think I’m the center of the universe if I’d rather have a two-way conversation and not just listen to a monologue?
Really? I would tell someone because if whatever they are telling me about requires some background knowledge then they are going to have to fill me in. How is that thinking the world revolves around me?
I've never heard of them, and even after reading that letter I still don't know or care who they are. I must be ancient! I'm older than all y'all! So take *that!*
My dad is 78, and I am constantly surprised by the stuff he brings up in conversation: the YT channels and Instas and TikToks he follows, the interactions he has on them, the stuff he knows about from them. I don't even have TikTok, but he knows all about it.
I loved that Artemesia replied that she’s currently flying business class to Paris so she’s good with being old and retired. Ha!
She was not offended but there were plenty of commenters doing so for her. Insufferable.
I just got into YouTube within the last year and the Try Guys were one of the first and still only things I watch. I’m embarrassed to say my husband and I were SHOOK when the news broke. The parasocial relationship is just so much stronger with YouTubers for some reason.
They were overall funny and charming. Parasocial relationships are very weird and if a favorite creator does something shitty it can hurt; especially if they’re seemingly good natured and are presenting as if you’d hang out with them.
Once upon a time they were big on Buzzfeed like in 2015, they left and started their own YouTube channel. Unless you frequented that corner of the internet at that time you’d never have heard of them. Food Network also just tried to have a show with them, but its been poorly executed and received. People think that their interests are more widely known than it is.
I had forgotten about them TBH; did they really get that huge? No one in my country of residence seems to really know who they are so I kinda forgot they were a thing.
Some of them have such strange ideas about lying. One commenter sensibly suggested using a pseudonym, another chimed in with, "Use a middle name or a maiden name if you have one, or a grandparent’s last name, something that people who work with you would have no reason to search for."
Like, why? Just call yourself Bob Johnson, or Tabitha Katz, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with using a fake name, and it's not less wrong to use a kind-of-sort-of real name.
They all seem be stuck at being either habitual bullshitters or compulsive truth tellers.
I haven't read the letter yet, but it does seem like using a completely unrelated pseudonym on LinkedIn could make for weirdness later on when you actually want to make connections or interview for jobs.
I think that if the purpose is just to make contact with a specific group semi-anonymously then it's not a big problem. If the OP explains to the people they connect with that they are using a pseudonym on LinkedIn to keep their career plans confidential I don't think most people would have an issue with that, especially if you're just chatting about your experiences with a particular program. If they get on well then the OP can give them their real details later.
The Zoom letter wasn't very exciting but may have inspired the [single dumbest comment today](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/the-try-guys-drama-when-a-coworker-badgers-you-about-holiday-time-off-and-more.html#comment-4027186):
>Do not join a Zoom call 5 minutes early. Do not. This is not good advice from Alison. Joining 5 minutes early is excessive for a Zoom call. Yes, test your system beforehand and have a back-up device tested as well. Be AVAILABLE to join 5 minutes earlier, but to sign on 5 minutes early – no. Just no. Not even 3 minutes beforehand. 1-2 minutes tops. **Not everyone has a waiting room feature set up, so you could be joining someone else’s interview. Or a non-interview related meeting.**
>
>I am on virtual meetings all the time, and joining that early is NOT best practice at my company. Heck, half the time, we’re 2-3 minutes late because our last call ran over!
What group of idiots uses a single Zoom link for all meetings *and* doesn't set up a waiting room?!
Ok so I’m not white knighting here but I do a lot of Zoom support for work and a lot of otherwise reasonable people make dumbass decisions like this a ton. At first I’d ask them how they are still struggling in year three of our remote experiment, but they seem proud of their lack of basic knowledge
This is peak AAM. Telling someone not to do something that's totally normal because it would be problematic for you and the really weird and unusual way your company does things. My guess is that cosmicgorilla is not involved in too many interview though.
> Telling someone not to do something that's totally normal because it would be problematic for you and the really weird and unusual way your company does things.
Reminds me when someone mentions how ID badges are used for access et al at their company...
"scoff... not EVERYONE uses badges. It's problematic for you to suggest badges as a solution for knowing who is authorized in an area. EYEROLL!!!1!!1!"
There was this thread where people described how they used badges at their office. Some commenters got *really* hung up on how their office did it vs. others. It was weird, man.
She might be saving them up for the holidays. In past years she has done bonus posts throughout the November or December timeframes where it's all updates.
I'll give you the update to all of them:
Hi Alison, thanks for printing my letter. A lot has happened since I wrote in. I didn't end up following your advice because before you even printed my letter, the situation resolved itself. I'm no longer working there, though, because last month I was offered a job out of the blue that's a huge step up in prestige, is fully remote, has perfect work-life balance, and came with a 300% raise! Thanks again!
That or:
Hi Alison, thanks for printing my letter. I didn't take your advice of reporting or confronting the problem, so the toxicity of my office continues to grow at a worrisome rate. I'm not a confrontational person and I've heard that snitches get stitches, which isn't covered by our health insurance. Unfortunately, this lack of action means my lunch and stapler continue to get stolen, Fergus from the mailroom is still calling me Hot Tits (I can't help it that they're so huge and my waist is soooo tiny!), and my boss is either asking too much or not enough about my personal life. (I don't remember which I'm supposed to want or be mad at.) There's also been some new situations that have arisen since I wrote eight months ago, including two people who work here that have started dating. (The dating thing isn't technically a problem, so I'm struggling to figure out how to make it into one.)
The good news is I've started looking for jobs and using your book, Hiring Secrets of a Woman Who Worked in Non-Profit HR a Decade Ago (*ed. note: now available wherever fine ebooks are sold*). I've already gotten three responses confirming my application submitted through Indeed .com has been received and is under consideration, so I'm feeling really confident that I'll be getting an offer soon! I'm already practicing my salary negotiation and I'm almost to the point where I don't start panic crying when I imagine telling my future boss that I'm a rock star and fully deserve $15k over the listed salary range.
Hi Alison:
My new job is so much more perfect than my old job! Rainbows and puppies rain down on me all day while I work remotely and I wait for my huge new paychecks to cash. I’m so happy here!
Also here’s seven paragraphs worth of drama from my toxic old job that I am completely over and no longer care about! I swear! I do not like drama, by the way.
> I don't start for a week but I can already tell it will be the best job of all time, and it's all due to your book!
Alison: by the way, here's a link to my book...
I’ve said this before, but my theory is that with everyone working from home, all of the type of problems they used to write in about are no longer happening. When you sit home all day quiet quitting, nothing happens, hence no problems
The majority of the frequent commenters also seem to be underemployed, and AAM is a pretty good site to wile away the hours while still looking busy. Which wouldn’t be as necessary if you’re working remote.
This is my pet peeve. I’m experienced and occasionally see an older letter where I could give meaningful advise that actually works and doesn’t just vindicate OP. I want to say something like “saw that IRL and it worked out” or ”say this specific thing and it will change”
And the comments are already three days old giving horrible advice like “this is insane sue your company” or “say this clunky thing or accuse them of ism when you don’t need to at all and make it into a big thing just because.”
But I’m usually reading a Monday letter on like Thursday at 9pm
Absolutely. If everyone's working from home, there's less discussion on weird coworker habits or stealing someone's parking spot or anything. Everyone's bored with youtube yoga recommendations.
I think part of the slow down is that some of our rabble-rousers have left or been banned. Someone like Potates or EW didn't always bring the best conversation, but they produced a lot of volume.
About letter 1 "Boyfriend’s employer keeps wrecking our plans"…
Is this *really* a problem with the boyfriend's job or with their relationship? It sounds like they're not on the same page about how important their relationship is relative to other things. Like he's just not that into you?
It might be both. Like it sounds as if the job keeps calling him in on short notice, but there's a lack of discussion about what would happen if the boyfriend sometimes turned these requests down. Is it a, "if he says know he will be fired that day and he can't afford to be jobless right now" situation or not? To me that's the first question that should be asked before anything else and it irks me a little that the LW doesn't mention that since it's kind of key. If the boyfriend can say no and is just afraid to for some reason, that's a different issue than if the boyfriend would be put in a horrible situation if he said no.
Someone commented something similar and got tipped to shreds about being unkind. But I agree it’s a relationship problem essentially. Decide if your bf being unable to set boundaries at work is a deal breaker or not.
Yeah, the issue is absolutely either your boyfriend can't make boundaries with his job or your boyfriend just isn't as into you and keeping these plans as you'd like him to be.
There are a lot of those jobs where the bosses assume you'll drop everything and work when they ask. Restaurant. Retail. When I worked at a TV newsroom my boss was always like "Carrie's sick, you'll have to work from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m." and if you don't ever put your foot down and say "I'm sorry, I can't" they'll keep steamrolling you. Emergencies happen but if it happens that often it's due to poor management and an inability to effectively staff your organization.
Listen, I’ve been the childless coworker who resented not getting priority holiday PTO in the past, too, but I really hate when Alison answers these questions because the comment section is so hostile towards parents when this comes up.
God forbid we put a positive spin on it, right? I used to sort of like being the only one in the office during weird times like the week between quick Christmas and New Year’s, and having a half empty train or lunch spots sort of all to myself. Then being off during some random week in March when tourist type places were empty
Agreed - for most of my career I had a role where my team's busiest season of the year was December/January, and I loved getting the "free" week of vacation to use later! My family lived nearby, and I still got Christmas and New Years off, so it wasn't a huge imposition - I don't have to do this coverage anymore, and while it's nice to have the week off, I miss getting those comp days!
There is absolutely a good conversation to be had about properly balancing the needs of employees with and without children, but this crowd isn't capable of having that conversation in a rational way.
It's the same way how it's important to scrutinize the practices of the pharmaceutical industry, but people who believe that lavender oil cures cancer probably aren't going to to contribute anything useful to that conversation.
I know the internet CF crowd is really rough, I just temper it with the knowledge that its only like this because in real life the assumption you will have kids is so strong.
Workplaces are really in many many ways not accomodating of parents, and really mostly mothers. But the issue I always find with the holidays one is its a want not a need. Workplaces are bad at accomodating for snow days and sick kids and school pick up times
But the presumption is holidays are for kids therefore parents should have it off. I hope I don't get hate for this, but as more and more people in my family have kids I realize that's pretty bullshit. Not just because it's unfair, but because day of they don't need to travel to see their kids. They want the time off for it's specialness, not because they need it to actually see their family which is increasingly frustrating as we've all seen the commuter drift and people needing to move away from home to even get a job.
I'm not hating. But if your family is spread out around the country, one of the things that makes major holidays special is that everyone has time off work at the same time. Then if one person has to work, that can take away one of the few good opportunities someone has all year for their kid to see their cousins.
I know childfree people have families too. And having to work Thanksgiving or Christmas doesn't actually stop people from traveling to see their family, it's just less convenient for the hosting family to see their relatives on a random week in March when they have other obligations. So I don't think it should be overriding, just one factor.
I have one of those spread-out families. My kids were small during the Great Recession. Being told I had to work Independence Day, Thanksgiving or Christmas without an *extremely* good reason is one of the few things I would have been willing to quit over, because it was the only chance we had to see a lot of family at once.
So... Allison wrote the Try Guys letter, right? In attempt to be relevant? The letter itself and the answer are pretty... weird, and oddly obsessed with trying to find a bad guy when there's not a ton of debate over what happened in this case. Dude cheated on his wife with a producer and was fired. This is really a thought experiment so she can rant about her version inequality that she wasn't worried about a decade ago, that's for sure.
Also, I don't think Allison knows what a producer does on a show. (or this "Letter writer". )
Because by all measures, they did the right thing and fired the guy, or he "stepped away" or whatever, and the producer wasn't fired.
It's the "just for fun" for me. The place in the pantheon of celebrity-ness for youtube creators is not terribly clear to me but like, someday Ned's kids are going to find old memes that say "I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship." There are like ten people in the universe whose takes actually need to be taken and all of those people are appropriately giving it a minute.
The armchair CHROs opining on the situation on social media are deeply out of touch, so I guess it's good if someone who has ever, you know, actually run a workplace investigation like this weighs in. But all the clout chasing on this is gross.
It's driving me nuts. I see so many comments about how x y z was a sign, or the other guys must have known and not said anything, or alternatively have been hating Ned from the start. Like damn y'all know a real person was horribly cheated on, right?
But tbh what bothers me most is I see people constantly underplay the other woman's actual role in the company. She's a producer, I've heard people call her his assistant or framed it like she's an intern. He's still above her and that may present it's own issues but by God guys she's not Monica Lewinsky.
Had the news not broke they probably would have had him removed privately. For all that people are changing about the consent issues of this, they don't seem to grasp that any level of privacy or dignity would be maintained in the process for what they're going to do with the other woman.
And there's no real actionable anything here, just her ranting about some vague sexism that absolutely is a problem, but isn't here. His reputation is gone, he's was fired from a lucrative gig. "I was a Try Guy!" isn't a great resume builder maybe she should have started there.
It might actually serve Alison well to occasionally create her own content that isn't dependent on reader questions. What's to stop her from just writing a piece based on something she sees in the news and saying "hey...saw this, thought it was relevant, and wanted to add my two cents"?
I wondered that with the Nike-cake letter. Was that really sent to her, or did she make it up because she wanted to write about that, and if so, why not just write about it? Not everything needs a letter. She can just say stuff, it's okay.
She occasionally does, but I do wonder why she doesn't do it more often. She's said in the past that she sometimes picks a letter just because she wants to talk about something--well, it's your site, lady. You can talk about it even without a letter, if you want.
So many letter writers show up in the comments saying “oh this resolved itself weeks ago!” but sure, she can answer nonsense about the try guys the same day
I think this really shows that she’s forgotten that he purpose of an advice column is not to just get site traffic; in theory at least it’s supposed to help the people who write in and provide material for her to publish.
It was the same after Dobbs fell where she managed to answer like three questions about abortion the next day. They were all super hypothetical too - "I don't live in a state where abortion is restricted, but if I did, would I have to use PTO?"
People are actually insane.
Someone responded to the “my coworker opens my desk without asking when she needs access to papers what do” with a suggestion the LW stage a fake theft and frame her for stealing a significant amount of money.
Rather than just talk to her.
“it's-a-me September 29, 2022 at 12:36 am
Not saying I recommend this as an option, but what if someone loses, or *thinks* they lost, something of value. Say a $100 note. And Nosey Rosey was seen rifling through their drawers an hour ago?”
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/boyfriends-employer-keeps-wrecking-our-plans-company-doesnt-care-about-customer-threats-and-more.html#comment-4025438
Actually that whole comment thread is full of gems. The one saying that opening someone else’s desk is literal murder because “what if the person had just eating some food the desk owner was deathly allergic to and a trace of that food transferred to the desk contents!!”
Yeah, because [setting up a fake crime to get attention for something else](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-employee-set-up-a-false-fraud-investigation-because-she-was-being-abused-and-wanted-the-police.html) went so well the last time...
Oh man that letter was nuts. At the time I believed it but now I'm not sure. Because there totally was fraud going on, just not in the part of the person who was accused.
Ok so a week ago someone stole every single pen in my desk. My response?
Man that's annoying. Marched over to the supply closet and got new ones.
I can't imagine caring beyond that moment of irritation.
That whole letter and the responses to it are ridiculous overreactions to something that isn’t a big deal. LW tried her best to paint it in a sinister light but someone grabbing a post it off your desk or using the key (that you didn’t even store securely) because you’re not there to do it is not evil.
Maybe I am picturing the key thing wrong. But if OP is supposed to control the access to the cabinet with the key, the fact that she didn’t secure the keys themselves doesn’t mean that just anybody can take them. It wouldn’t be OK to pick the lock of the cabinet with a piece of string either. The fact that the security was easy to bypass doesn’t make it OK to do.
I think that if things actually went down as described then it's a little bit more weird. Why would they go into the CEO's office and bag like that? It implies that they have been snooping around for whatever reason. It doesn't really have to be sinister for it to feel off socially. And yeah, you really don't have a huge expectation of privacy at work, but I feel like that doesn't mean that your colleagues go through your desk or office on a regular basis unless there's an existing expectation that it's more of a shared space. The OP definitely should have kept the key more secure though, it sounds like.
>Why would they go into the CEO's office and bag like that?
It does sound weird, but I wonder if they were both helping the CEO look for his coffee cup in his office and she noticed the lunch bag and checked inside. If she found some sort of insulated bottle or cup in the lunch bag, I could see thinking that might be for coffee, especially the way some of those insulated things have practically become personality types (e.g. Yeti cups). I think LW is peeved about the key drawer thing and is reframing a bunch of other incidents to seem weirder than they actually are.
(eta) And if I had scrolled just a bit more, I would see the same point made by snoopCat.
Maybe, it depends what relationship she has with her boss. My boss would think nothing of asking me to grab something from his back and wouldn’t blink an eye at me doing it unasked.
It doesn’t seem like anyone except the LW has a problem with it.
Riveting conversation about knitting.
This might be the dumbest comment on that site I’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot (formatting might be weird bc I’m on mobile) “cutting cords* September 30, 2022 at 10:17 pm I’m thinking of finally getting rid of my land line (I know) and just using my cell phone. My question: we have a house with 2 large stories plus basement. Would I have to take my cell with me all over my house so I can hear if someone calls me? That seems impractical. How do other people who live in large-ish spaces do this?”
Oooh I just had a thought. Are they writing in from a late 80s time warp and the only mobile phone they can get access to is the kind that came in a big briefcase and used a car battery?
How do they put their shoes on?
I also hate the post about winter clothes for a trip to Berlin because I want to reply with "Berlin has shops too". Like...it might be as cold as you think. And if you aren't prepared, you can buy something warm!
omg she actually gave her exact measurements what exactly is she expecting? Like, I get asking for say brand recommendations, but does she just want someone to find the exact clothes she needs in her size and just type “click this link and put credit card number in”?
Well, look: there's another one looking for deodorant recommendations so...
They can’t be a proper AAMer; they actually answer the phone?!?
Not related to any letters, meta topic. It is absolutely mind blowing how many people out there get by just by having their job memorized. Like somebody showed them how to do it and they just memorized the steps they needed to take in order to get the desired outcome but they essentially have no idea what they are actually doing. They have zero clue what relationship Step 1 has to Outcome A, they just know that if they do it everything works…. Until a minor deviation comes along and everything grinds to a halt
Yup. My colleague is 67 and marking time until she retires. I'm 43 in a month's time and although I'm happy in a dead end job, I want to at least explore other options and do some personal development. I want to move closer to home and do customer service where people are still in-person and actually value my work; I want to take advantage of the networking being in a larger national organisation affords me, and most importantly I don't want to spend my days in constant rebellion against reality. But for me, it's actually my direct supervisor who is putting obstacles in my way to do that sort of thing -- because we're in a tight coverage job and my colleague is uninterested in doing anything like that, I have little leeway to do extra training or go to workshops even online because it would impose coverage duties on her without me being able to reciprocate. I've got Monday off but I just know I'm going back into a shitstorm on Tuesday because upper management want us to go on an interesting mental health related course, but it's in person and we have limited slots available locally, meaning that our supervisor is going to stall and delay until all that's left is a Teams video of other people engaging with the training and being able to interact/network with others. It should not be this hard to get personal development rather than have as many rights to a further career as a vacuum cleaner does.
Its the difference between knowing a job and understanding a job. Once you understand a job, it becomes much easier to do. It also makes it easier to be more efficient.
Yup. I've set up spreadsheets on Teams for others to see their tracking numbers at a glance when we send out packets for them (IT kit is most of what goes out by post these days so it needs to be tracked). My colleague is old-school and accumulated tons of paper, which meant that if a packet got lost, we had to hunt through sheets and sheets that no-one had collected in weeks and find one number to check. So eventually I stole a march on her and composed the spreadsheets. Her hostility to computers isn't going to cost her much personal capital -- she's 67 and can retire, but could be here another ten years for all anyone cares -- but my need to streamline things eventually won out and I got the opportunity to make things my own. My only problem is that obviously I go on holiday every so often and she has to struggle on with her paper system, but that's her lookout, not mine. Meanwhile I'm building up capital to take elsewhere as proof that I'm not just a warm butt in a cold chair and get something that's more stimulating and much closer to home.
I agree. I've come across many people in my career who know how to do something step by step without the procedures, but if someone tells them to skip a step, or do something extra before the next step, it completely throws them off and everything stops. And that's because they don't know WHY they're doing what they're doing, in the way they're doing it. And forget asking them, "So what happens if you do x instead of y?" They're stumped.
Wow, another thread about what underwear to buy. Riveting
Who are these people? Can't find underwear. Can't find tights (leaving aside whether you need a base layer, as if you're hiking Everest, to spend ten days in a city where you're probably going to be indoors or on transit most of the time). Don't they have Google? It takes thirty seconds to google this shit and come up with a list of ratings, blogs going over it, some Reddit post where someone has given their opinion on 15 different types. What are they getting out of AAM commenters saying "Hanes!" that they couldn't get by looking for themselves?
Oh geeze. I just go to the shop and have a look. Plus size tights can be a nightmare to find, but other than that, these people are just incapable.
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I'm in the UK, so that sounds really useful. Thanks :). Edit -- £40 for five pairs...go on, a comfortable pair is worth its weight in gold ;).
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I have a small waist and giant butt and I don't have those problems. Cotton lycra blends exist.
Haha. Actually I'm a wasp-butt here, and tights are frustrating, but I just find the best company on Amazon and stick with them.
Every day on r/xxfitness there's another person who can't figure out how to shop for leggings. I don't understand these people.
No. As I said elsewhere, it's strangely gratifying.
Is anyone else as confused by the Carry On luggage question as me? She is so nervous her carry on may be checked and may be lost….but ofc the only alternative is a checked bag which has a much higher chance of getting lost then the hypothetical gate checked bag which may not even happen?!? The research into the planes- why does she 100% think all carry on bags are gated checked?! So many questions with this one…
[RagingADHD is the best.](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/weekend-open-thread-october-1-2-2022.html#comment-4028381) >If you think a rare chance of something going wrong means it is “pointless,” then I’m not sure how you navigate ordinary daily risks. This is pretty much the long and short of it. If you're worried that your bag is too big and is going to get lost, take less stuff so you can take a smaller bag that is unlikely to get gate checked. There are thousands of options and lots of places that give you tips for traveling with just a carry on.
It has to be mentally exhausting to live day to day certain that the rare worst case scenario is guaranteed to happen.
It's sensible to be prepared for such a thing -- like bring a personal item (plastic bag will do in a pinch) so that you can take your most important items, like a passport or medication, out of your carry on in case you have to gate check it. But always expecting the worst case scenario is kind of pathological.
Yeah can’t she just bring a backpack? I have a slightly larger than usual backpack from Dagne Dover that can fit what I need for more than a long weekend or at the very least, my regular carryon stuff + some emergency stuff if anything happens to my regular luggage. I’ve never had a problem stuffing that + my handbag under any type of plane seat.
Yup. The rise of having to pay for checked luggage means that the airlines become more generous with carry ons. I've done week long city breaks with carry on bags one way and then a return trip checking in my suitcase and stuffing a holdall full of collectable books on the way back. I agree with RADHD that these people just aren't functional day to day and just can't cope when things go wrong. I've spent my life grappling with anxiety and stress and autism and other nasty neurological issues and *somehow* I can get myself to and from a foreign city without dissolving. It actually gives me a weird sense of confidence: however dysfunctional I am, I'm still miles better than most of the commenters on AAM.
I kind of get it because I’ve been forced to check my bag and then it was lost for almost my entire trip. And on small regional jets they gate check all roller bags, so if she’s using a regional jet it’s a concern. One that’s easily solvable though!
If it's a tiny regional jet don't they just usually give it to you on your way off the plane? That's what happened to me the one time I had to do that.
Yes. Was a regional airline employee for over a decade and always liked that part about flying on our own product. I once handed off my bag to the ramp agent before pulling my laptop out and had a brief “oh SHIT” moment on the plane, but it was fine - and far safer than it would have been if it had to take the conventional journey from checkin to plane to baggage claim.
Yeah that’s what gate checking is, but it can still get lost or left behind, just less common than when you fully check it. They just need to get a bag that fits under their seat and free themself from these thoughts lol
Oh for sure. I've been aspirationally following the "one bag" subs for a while now and I'm definitely planning to do that for my next trip. I did a week in Mexico a few years ago with just a large backpack and it was great.
I’m on vacation now and that happened to me. Was asked if I’d gate check since it was complimentary and I’ve never had issues before gate checking so I said sure. Airline put it on the wrong connecting flight. At least lt was on one that was going to my destination. Once I landed I was able to get everything sorted. If you’re not used to flying I can get having that fear but making such a big deal if it isn’t worth it. Airlines are pretty clear about can and can’t fit on their website. Just find a bag that will fit.
I was impressed with airBaltic. I was flying to Vilnius via Riga, and the flight from Gatwick was late in. I missed the mad dash to the Vilnius gate. The airline had already guessed I wouldn't make the connection and checked my bag onto the next Vilnius departure in an hour or so's time. Lufthansa, however, are three for three with bad experiences. I haven't flown with them for twenty years now, but in three trips around the turn of the century they managed to lose my bags twice and book me on to a flight at the wrong airport (in the early days of eticketing). Then there was the flight that was cancelled two days before Christmas due to 'weather' when every single other flight was getting out on time. The airline rep had a mutiny on her hands when she claimed there was nothing she could do and the next flights to Dublin (where my mum lived at the time -- I joined her the following year) were on the 27th or something crazy like that. She called the police to handle us, the police arrived and forced her to charter a flight for the following morning. I spent the night with a fellow passenger at her house not far from Gatwick (Croydon, I believe) and shared the Christmas chocolates I'd brought with me from a trip to Vienna the previous week (boozy student junket -- being in the Young Europeans was awesome). We reached Dublin the following morning. NB I am not sure just how the police forced the airline -- BA IIRC -- to do anything but this was 20 years ago and I wasn't privy to all the negotiations. The rumour was that the pilots were all drunk, it being 23 December, but I couldn't possibly say for certain. The reason BA would have claimed it was weather is because they wouldn't have been responsible for anything in that circumstance, but the airport was open and flights to Dublin had left all afternoon. So...BA are still pretty good -- I trust them literally with my life. Despite there being very few fatal accidents in Europe or America (even the 737 Max accidents weren't over Europe) for a good decade now, I'm not a confident flyer. My solution to take off anxiety is to set an alarm for what will be the middle of the climb -- you're too distracted searching for your phone to switch it off that by the time it's sorted, the plane is levelling off.
Open thread about the person whose husband won't go with them to the doctor because it is probably "female issues" - first off, that poor OP. That husband sucks. But how the hell is this a helpful comment? >Falling Diphthong* October 1, 2022 at 7:44 am >My husband went with me to the appointment where I got diagnosed with breast cancer.
Jeez Louise, how tf are you even supposed to respond to a reply like that? "Ok, cool?"
ikr?? like 1. its not impressive that he does come and 2. its just rude
That husband sucks and makes me mad. I hope the OP can find a friend to go with.
Me too and honestly, I hope they divorce their husband.
It’s a humble brag that she has a nice husband, unlike the OP.
Yes and borderline cruel. I think that commenter has been known for inane comments (I might be mixing them up, honestly) but still, if you have nothing constructive to say, maybe dont say it??
Yeah, Falling Diphthong always seems to have unkind and unhelpful comments.
It’s because everyone belongs to a niche industry! And perhaps even a niche country in this case. >PsychNurse* October 1, 2022 at 7:13 am I have a question about this site general. It is the norm on AskAManager that nobody gives any details that are even remotely specific. Like, I would be interested to hear what country you’re in– but nobody ever says “We live in Sweden.” They say “We live in a country where English is not the primary language.” Or if someone is asking a work question, they say “I work in a very large and somewhat prestigious industry” rather than “I work in investment banking.” Anybody have any insight into why? (Obviously I know people are trying to avoid getting identified by their coworkers, but naming an industry or a country wouldn’t do that, so there must be more to it.)
I love THIS response: "Octavia* October 1, 2022 at 8:47 am I can’t speak for the OP, but I do this across the internet, not just on AAM. One specific detail like profession or country may not be identifying, but those facts in combination with others that come up in discussion might be (or on other places where someone may use the same user name). Even writing style can “out” someone – famous case is Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman. Just my two cents." Lady, you are NOT Stephen King. Unless you are the ghost of Octavia Butler, no one is going to be able to identify your writing style from the hundreds of other worried, quibbling AAM-ers. Most of you sound so similar.
I used to make comments on another forum. Some were a tad nasty, I admit. Someone was convinced that another user was me under another name. I only had one user name, so they were *wrong!* I don't think I care enough to have multiple user names.
This is "unkind," but I've always suspected that a handful of LWs do it because more details would blow up their story and not get them the answer they want. "My boss denied my week off next spring. I gave nine months' notice! This place is completely toxic. What can I tell my boss to get him to give me the week off?" \[Missing info: they are a tax accountant and requested the first week of April off.\]
And once again, an accurate assessment from RagingADHD. Unkind! >RagingADHD* October 1, 2022 at 9:31 am 1) Paranoia and poor risk assessment. Often the people who believe that they are obscuring their internet footprint are actually leaving a far more identifiable trail than they realize because they are bad at assessing which details are identifiable.
I wish there was a way to surface all of RagingADHD's comments as they're always awesome.
You left off the part where Raging acts out a typical comment section, which I think is the best part. Wonder if it will get deleted? RagingADHD*October 1, 2022 at 9:31 am 1) Paranoia and poor risk assessment. Often the people who believe that they are obscuring their internet footprint are actually leaving a far more identifiable trail than they realize because they are bad at assessing which details are identifiable. 2) Avoiding derailing or insulting commentary. You can pick any country, industry, or job, and there will be someone with a negative opinion about it that has nothing to do with your question. And they just itching to tell you how awful the place you live / work is. Actually, it’s still derailing if the opinions are positive. It’s not helpful if you ask a substantive question and just get a string of “I love Sweden, it’s so beautiful!” “I’ve always wanted to visit! I saw a Swedish person on TV once!” “As a Swede, do you know if Swedish Fish were invented there?” “Don’t call people Swedes, that’s a vegetable. The preferred term is Swedish person or person from Sweden.” “No, that’s not a thing, actually. Swede is a perfectly okay term.” “Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother the OP!” “I’m allergic to Swedish Fish, I almost died when my narcissist mother-in-law slipped one into my Jello.”
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Do you remember when somebody wrote a letter that basically said “my boss invited me up to his hotel room, how do I say no and make this not weird?” And got zero helpful advice because they happened to mention marijuana in the letter
That's the AAM commentariat, all right!
I wish to goodness people would include their industry but this is exactly right, it would just create a cavalcade of "let's talk about that industry." "I work in accounting" "OMG I heard accounting is so bad, they chew up and spit out young graduates." "No accounting is incredibly chill, I've worked there for 3 months from August to October and it's great! I have amazing work life balance!" or "I work in editing" "Editing is such a terrible industry because they deliberately pay bad wages and expect people to have a wealthy support system!" "Well that may be true but I love my job and I never want to leave it and I'm not responsible for fixing the pay scale!" "By staying in an industry you're contributing to the wage gap and unfair treatment of young people!" And blah blah blah blah blah.
I think she's deleted the comment? I just went looking and couldn't find me. This drives me crazy too BTW.
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/weekend-open-thread-october-1-2-2022.html#comment-4028312
I commented on that thread and the one with the jerk husband and my comments got nuked. I’m back in AAM jail for the cardinal sin of speaking out against EW.
What did you say? EW is a weird AAM junkie. Who grifts imo.
That EW can’t berate people who give her a hard time about her job search because “you don’t know my job search”, because we do, because she tells us all the time.
I think she thinks she’s much too elevated for most jobs.
Absolutely
Oops yeah it's in a middle of an unrelated? thread. That's why I couldn't find it
There are only two acceptable industries in AAMland: llama farming and teapot design. All else is redacted.
And now in the weekend thread, we have someone trying to figure out how to deal with a cellphone in a house. Would they have to *pick it up and carry it around*? Who wants to bet that "cutting cords" is Flowers / Potatoes? https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/weekend-open-thread-october-1-2-2022.html#comment-4028154
I thought we ignore unsolicited phone calls anyway? Seriously, I've never had a landline. And most people haven't had it in decade. The landline companies were bought by cell companies and made the monthly fees ridiculous in an attempt to get rid. If your house is so big that you can't hear it. You call back when you notice missed call. Not that difficult.
I work in telecom. We hate how expensive landlines are too, and it’s actually expensive for 2 reasons: insane regulatory taxes and fees that we have no control over, and the fact that the aging copper infrastructure that landlines use is incredibly expensive to maintain. There’s a reason why the industry as a whole is migrating to fiber products (so VoIP). VoIP is a lot cheaper for the end user especially since it doesn’t have those same giant taxes and fees.
I feel like AAM is making me more stupid (stupider?) with each post. *Maggie\** *September 30, 2022 at 10:37 pm* *I think most people carry their phone without them throughout the day.* *REPLY▼ Collapse 9 replies* *cutting cords\** *September 30, 2022 at 10:40 pm* *Huh. So if I’m on the top level and my husband calls to me from the basement and I go to see what he wants, I’d pick up my phone and carry it with me even though I don’t know if I’ll be gone 1 minute or 30 minutes? It seems like such a hassle.* ETA: I love this person's reply, because, really, what the hell else can one say? *LilPinkSock\** *October 1, 2022 at 3:13 pm* *Yes.*
This is the type of question that is so dumb it feels like there should be consequences. Like Alison should flag it as being too stupid for her thread, or the commenters should write only sarcastic responses, or the earth should open up and swallow Ms. Three Stories while she flails around grasping for a landline to call for help with. But, instead there's just other people taking the time to explain how to carry a small item or check for missed calls. It's disappointing.
I can't believe that question has 57 replies, and most of them seem sincere,
Lol. And to think there is a server somewhere that exists to store all of these pointless comments
If anything were flagged as being too stupid for her thread, the thread would be almost blank. BTW, only 22 comments on *Good News.*
Good news is a bloated snooze fest.
I thought I heard some heavy snark in the replies about how voicemail exists, and you wont die if you miss a call. Thats the thing: if you moderate out anyone who overtly points out a dumb question, the dumb questions take over.
Do they use dial up AOL to access AAM?
Before I clicked on the link I thought you must be exaggerating, no one is that incapable but I clearly underestimated AAM commentors. Bet they are a 'rockstar' in their job though.
This is what kills me. They all think they’re irreplaceable and do the job of six people but then fail to recognize that their own comments and questions give them away as bumbling, stubborn, unadaptable idiots whenever something out of their norm occurs.
This person has so many follow up questions about this non-issue. Dude, forget it, you are too dumb to have a cell phone.
There are two options: take it with you everywhere or leave it in one place and check it occasionally, and it sounds like she doesn't want to carry it with her, so problem solved lol. I don't know why she's acting like there are so many options in the flow chart.
So absurd. Many of us are surgically attached to our phones these days anyway so it's always in a pocket or something. They could also get a smart speaker for every room if they are that worried about it.
“BuT woMeN’s paNts Don’T HavE PocKetS” (Which is totally different from my experience. I have a stupidly large phone and it still fits in my back pocket, no matter whether I’m wearing women’s jeans or men’s. With dress pants, I find that the back pockets are smaller, but the front pockets are bigger, so I can use those.)
I do often have the problem that my giant phone doesn't fit in any pants pocket. Maybe it's just my bad clothing choices? But usually when I'm around the house I make a point of wearing something with pockets. Or just carry it to another room and set it on the table or something.
How many calls does one get? Just leave it in the kitchen, if you don’t want to stick it in your pocket, and check messages occasionally.
Read this comment to my SO and it broke him.
The good news today feels like “non-news” LW1: I recommended someone for a different job with higher pay and let her know at work during an interview that it was OK to work for money. Much hero. LW2: I found a new job after being laid off. OK and? LW3: My boss has to baby me through my meetings and here’s a checkbox for “neurodivergent” on my AAM bingo card. (I wonder how long the boss’s patience will last since LW has this issue at every job.) LW4: I followed all your advice blah blah blah and got a zillion dollars more than my last job. LW5: Another “I got a great job with an insane raise and everything I could ever want” update. And May 20th is so fetch.
I hadn’t heard the slang “neurospicy” before this week and now I’ve seen it all over AAM. Thanks, I hate it. Nails on a damn chalkboard.
NeuroSpice Girls
That term is so fetch.
Totally Rufus.
I just realized that Puppy! hasn't been in the open threads for months. I know she got a fairly chilly reception last time (although Alison nuked most of the responses), but do you think she just flounced, or did she actually dump the dog when the cuteness factor wore off?
She couldn’t take care of the dog herself and already dumped her older dog so I’m going to say she re-homed the puppy as well. Probably for the best because she said many times that she literally couldn’t care for the dog herself. Maybe her “team puppy” had to scale back their involvement
In the TryGuys thread, Artemesia wrote a [comment](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/the-try-guys-drama-when-a-coworker-badgers-you-about-holiday-time-off-and-more.html#comment-4026515) about having never heard of them. Someone else responds with a comment that starts with, "But you're pretty old, right?" (From the rest of the comment, they're being earnest, not snarky.) Of course someone else has to jump in with "YoU oWe HeR aN aPoLoGy FoR bEiNg AgEiSt." And a few folks with, "I'm 40 and have never heard of them, guess I'm 'pretty old' too." Myrin and Artemesia respond back that she's "actually elderly" and there's no offense taken, so in this universe of reasonable and thoughtful commenters, that's the end of it (Narrator: It was most certainly not the end of it.)
I'm 55; the first I ever heard of the Try Guys was a SubredditDrama thread on the scandal.
Personally, it’s a pet peeve of mine when you’re talking to someone about something and they say I’ve never heard of that before, as though based on that it’s not relevant. It’s so self-centred, do they think thatonly when they”ve heard of a thing it’s worthy of consideration. The universe doesn’t revolve around them.
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In a group online discussion, there's really no need to say anything, is there? If you're not interested in the topic and don't know anything about it, it's fine to just not comment on that topic and skip to the next thread. It's not like the people in that thread were specifically addressing her, right?
I’m surprised at how many people ask (online) instead of Googling. Much faster and more accurate to look it up yourself.
A lot of times the comments aren’t genuine interest in the topic but more of a way to express contempt / disdain for the topic. It’s super common on /r/television and other pop culture subreddits where someone will start a thread about a tv show, movie, etc. and there’s inevitably a comment from someone saying something like, “I’ve never seen this show, it sounds stupid” or “I don’t care about stuff like that, never even heard of it”.
“I don’t even own a tv.”
True enough.
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For me, it’s the tone. “Oh, I’ve never heard of them” can be said in a way that’s like … I’m not completely uninterested in what you’re saying, I just need a little context or background. Vs “pfft, never heard of them” and a complete dismissal of what someone is eager to tell you about, in a tone that makes it seem like it’s weird that the one who brought them up would know or care about them, either. It’s very similar to the “I don’t own a TV” line that used to be said by some with an uppity arrogance as if that made them superior and above such silly distractions (before streaming on phones and computers became an option). ETA: I try to read online comments with a benefit of the doubt, so I rarely notice it there. I’m referring to in-person interactions.
I also assumed they meant a face to face conversation.
Uh, I say this in the hopes that they'll tell me more about this new or interesting thing. Its called having a conversation. You sound really fun to be around!
Also, I’d say it so that the other person will understand that without that background it’s going to become a very one-sided conversation — but I think I’m the center of the universe if I’d rather have a two-way conversation and not just listen to a monologue?
Really? I would tell someone because if whatever they are telling me about requires some background knowledge then they are going to have to fill me in. How is that thinking the world revolves around me?
I've never heard of them, and even after reading that letter I still don't know or care who they are. I must be ancient! I'm older than all y'all! So take *that!*
It is kind of a shitty comment. Lots of "elderly" folks spend a lot of time on the computer, since they're retired, and are quite up on pop culture.
My dad is 78, and I am constantly surprised by the stuff he brings up in conversation: the YT channels and Instas and TikToks he follows, the interactions he has on them, the stuff he knows about from them. I don't even have TikTok, but he knows all about it.
Get that SEO, AAM! Good for her, answering a question in a timely manner.
I loved that Artemesia replied that she’s currently flying business class to Paris so she’s good with being old and retired. Ha! She was not offended but there were plenty of commenters doing so for her. Insufferable.
Artemesia has said before that she’s nearly 80 but also I’m 30 and have never ever heard of these people either
Neither have I, but internet strangers demanding apologies on each other's behalf will never not be snarkable to me, lol.
I miss a lot of the AAM cultural references and have no problem with this. I'll file them in the same place as Alison's book recommendations.
Ok I’ve looked them up and they’re YouTubers?? Lol
I just got into YouTube within the last year and the Try Guys were one of the first and still only things I watch. I’m embarrassed to say my husband and I were SHOOK when the news broke. The parasocial relationship is just so much stronger with YouTubers for some reason.
They were overall funny and charming. Parasocial relationships are very weird and if a favorite creator does something shitty it can hurt; especially if they’re seemingly good natured and are presenting as if you’d hang out with them.
Once upon a time they were big on Buzzfeed like in 2015, they left and started their own YouTube channel. Unless you frequented that corner of the internet at that time you’d never have heard of them. Food Network also just tried to have a show with them, but its been poorly executed and received. People think that their interests are more widely known than it is.
I had forgotten about them TBH; did they really get that huge? No one in my country of residence seems to really know who they are so I kinda forgot they were a thing.
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Some of them have such strange ideas about lying. One commenter sensibly suggested using a pseudonym, another chimed in with, "Use a middle name or a maiden name if you have one, or a grandparent’s last name, something that people who work with you would have no reason to search for." Like, why? Just call yourself Bob Johnson, or Tabitha Katz, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with using a fake name, and it's not less wrong to use a kind-of-sort-of real name. They all seem be stuck at being either habitual bullshitters or compulsive truth tellers.
I haven't read the letter yet, but it does seem like using a completely unrelated pseudonym on LinkedIn could make for weirdness later on when you actually want to make connections or interview for jobs.
I think that if the purpose is just to make contact with a specific group semi-anonymously then it's not a big problem. If the OP explains to the people they connect with that they are using a pseudonym on LinkedIn to keep their career plans confidential I don't think most people would have an issue with that, especially if you're just chatting about your experiences with a particular program. If they get on well then the OP can give them their real details later.
The Zoom letter wasn't very exciting but may have inspired the [single dumbest comment today](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/the-try-guys-drama-when-a-coworker-badgers-you-about-holiday-time-off-and-more.html#comment-4027186): >Do not join a Zoom call 5 minutes early. Do not. This is not good advice from Alison. Joining 5 minutes early is excessive for a Zoom call. Yes, test your system beforehand and have a back-up device tested as well. Be AVAILABLE to join 5 minutes earlier, but to sign on 5 minutes early – no. Just no. Not even 3 minutes beforehand. 1-2 minutes tops. **Not everyone has a waiting room feature set up, so you could be joining someone else’s interview. Or a non-interview related meeting.** > >I am on virtual meetings all the time, and joining that early is NOT best practice at my company. Heck, half the time, we’re 2-3 minutes late because our last call ran over! What group of idiots uses a single Zoom link for all meetings *and* doesn't set up a waiting room?!
Ok so I’m not white knighting here but I do a lot of Zoom support for work and a lot of otherwise reasonable people make dumbass decisions like this a ton. At first I’d ask them how they are still struggling in year three of our remote experiment, but they seem proud of their lack of basic knowledge
>you could be joining someone else’s interview. HOW??? IN 2022 nobody's figured this out yet? FFS.
This is peak AAM. Telling someone not to do something that's totally normal because it would be problematic for you and the really weird and unusual way your company does things. My guess is that cosmicgorilla is not involved in too many interview though.
> Telling someone not to do something that's totally normal because it would be problematic for you and the really weird and unusual way your company does things. Reminds me when someone mentions how ID badges are used for access et al at their company...
"scoff... not EVERYONE uses badges. It's problematic for you to suggest badges as a solution for knowing who is authorized in an area. EYEROLL!!!1!!1!"
There was this thread where people described how they used badges at their office. Some commenters got *really* hung up on how their office did it vs. others. It was weird, man.
Are we not getting updates on Thursdays anymore? Those are the only thing worth reading on AAM.
She might be saving them up for the holidays. In past years she has done bonus posts throughout the November or December timeframes where it's all updates.
Last year, other than the open threads, all the December posts were updates. Or at least it felt that way.
That's the "oops, all updates" vacation break for Alison.
I'll give you the update to all of them: Hi Alison, thanks for printing my letter. A lot has happened since I wrote in. I didn't end up following your advice because before you even printed my letter, the situation resolved itself. I'm no longer working there, though, because last month I was offered a job out of the blue that's a huge step up in prestige, is fully remote, has perfect work-life balance, and came with a 300% raise! Thanks again!
That or: Hi Alison, thanks for printing my letter. I didn't take your advice of reporting or confronting the problem, so the toxicity of my office continues to grow at a worrisome rate. I'm not a confrontational person and I've heard that snitches get stitches, which isn't covered by our health insurance. Unfortunately, this lack of action means my lunch and stapler continue to get stolen, Fergus from the mailroom is still calling me Hot Tits (I can't help it that they're so huge and my waist is soooo tiny!), and my boss is either asking too much or not enough about my personal life. (I don't remember which I'm supposed to want or be mad at.) There's also been some new situations that have arisen since I wrote eight months ago, including two people who work here that have started dating. (The dating thing isn't technically a problem, so I'm struggling to figure out how to make it into one.) The good news is I've started looking for jobs and using your book, Hiring Secrets of a Woman Who Worked in Non-Profit HR a Decade Ago (*ed. note: now available wherever fine ebooks are sold*). I've already gotten three responses confirming my application submitted through Indeed .com has been received and is under consideration, so I'm feeling really confident that I'll be getting an offer soon! I'm already practicing my salary negotiation and I'm almost to the point where I don't start panic crying when I imagine telling my future boss that I'm a rock star and fully deserve $15k over the listed salary range.
Hi Alison: My new job is so much more perfect than my old job! Rainbows and puppies rain down on me all day while I work remotely and I wait for my huge new paychecks to cash. I’m so happy here! Also here’s seven paragraphs worth of drama from my toxic old job that I am completely over and no longer care about! I swear! I do not like drama, by the way.
> I don't start for a week but I can already tell it will be the best job of all time, and it's all due to your book! Alison: by the way, here's a link to my book...
Update to the update. It's been six months. I'm still at the new job, but I got a cat!
The commentariat: OMG, thanks for that update! I've been wondering what happened next!
Can you send a picture of your cat???
Hey now cat tax is real. Don't hate oh the cat/did tax (this is true for Reddit as well)!! 😺😺 🐶🐶
Flowers comment today is basically "How do I know when to talk to people" which if that doesn't embody AAM commenter drama I dont know what does.
I thought she was going to ease up on these types of posts after people called her out. I spoke too soon.
Maybe she thinks no one knows who she is, after changing her name...
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It’s probably just boring AF.
I’ve said this before, but my theory is that with everyone working from home, all of the type of problems they used to write in about are no longer happening. When you sit home all day quiet quitting, nothing happens, hence no problems
The majority of the frequent commenters also seem to be underemployed, and AAM is a pretty good site to wile away the hours while still looking busy. Which wouldn’t be as necessary if you’re working remote.
This is my pet peeve. I’m experienced and occasionally see an older letter where I could give meaningful advise that actually works and doesn’t just vindicate OP. I want to say something like “saw that IRL and it worked out” or ”say this specific thing and it will change” And the comments are already three days old giving horrible advice like “this is insane sue your company” or “say this clunky thing or accuse them of ism when you don’t need to at all and make it into a big thing just because.” But I’m usually reading a Monday letter on like Thursday at 9pm
AH this makes so much sense. Yes.
Absolutely. If everyone's working from home, there's less discussion on weird coworker habits or stealing someone's parking spot or anything. Everyone's bored with youtube yoga recommendations. I think part of the slow down is that some of our rabble-rousers have left or been banned. Someone like Potates or EW didn't always bring the best conversation, but they produced a lot of volume.
About letter 1 "Boyfriend’s employer keeps wrecking our plans"… Is this *really* a problem with the boyfriend's job or with their relationship? It sounds like they're not on the same page about how important their relationship is relative to other things. Like he's just not that into you?
It might be both. Like it sounds as if the job keeps calling him in on short notice, but there's a lack of discussion about what would happen if the boyfriend sometimes turned these requests down. Is it a, "if he says know he will be fired that day and he can't afford to be jobless right now" situation or not? To me that's the first question that should be asked before anything else and it irks me a little that the LW doesn't mention that since it's kind of key. If the boyfriend can say no and is just afraid to for some reason, that's a different issue than if the boyfriend would be put in a horrible situation if he said no.
Someone commented something similar and got tipped to shreds about being unkind. But I agree it’s a relationship problem essentially. Decide if your bf being unable to set boundaries at work is a deal breaker or not.
Yeah, the issue is absolutely either your boyfriend can't make boundaries with his job or your boyfriend just isn't as into you and keeping these plans as you'd like him to be.
If his job is anything other than firefighter/surgeon/hostage negotiator he shouldn’t conveniently be called in whenever they have plans.
There are a lot of those jobs where the bosses assume you'll drop everything and work when they ask. Restaurant. Retail. When I worked at a TV newsroom my boss was always like "Carrie's sick, you'll have to work from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m." and if you don't ever put your foot down and say "I'm sorry, I can't" they'll keep steamrolling you. Emergencies happen but if it happens that often it's due to poor management and an inability to effectively staff your organization.
Listen, I’ve been the childless coworker who resented not getting priority holiday PTO in the past, too, but I really hate when Alison answers these questions because the comment section is so hostile towards parents when this comes up.
God forbid we put a positive spin on it, right? I used to sort of like being the only one in the office during weird times like the week between quick Christmas and New Year’s, and having a half empty train or lunch spots sort of all to myself. Then being off during some random week in March when tourist type places were empty
Agreed - for most of my career I had a role where my team's busiest season of the year was December/January, and I loved getting the "free" week of vacation to use later! My family lived nearby, and I still got Christmas and New Years off, so it wasn't a huge imposition - I don't have to do this coverage anymore, and while it's nice to have the week off, I miss getting those comp days!
There is absolutely a good conversation to be had about properly balancing the needs of employees with and without children, but this crowd isn't capable of having that conversation in a rational way. It's the same way how it's important to scrutinize the practices of the pharmaceutical industry, but people who believe that lavender oil cures cancer probably aren't going to to contribute anything useful to that conversation.
I know the internet CF crowd is really rough, I just temper it with the knowledge that its only like this because in real life the assumption you will have kids is so strong. Workplaces are really in many many ways not accomodating of parents, and really mostly mothers. But the issue I always find with the holidays one is its a want not a need. Workplaces are bad at accomodating for snow days and sick kids and school pick up times But the presumption is holidays are for kids therefore parents should have it off. I hope I don't get hate for this, but as more and more people in my family have kids I realize that's pretty bullshit. Not just because it's unfair, but because day of they don't need to travel to see their kids. They want the time off for it's specialness, not because they need it to actually see their family which is increasingly frustrating as we've all seen the commuter drift and people needing to move away from home to even get a job.
I'm not hating. But if your family is spread out around the country, one of the things that makes major holidays special is that everyone has time off work at the same time. Then if one person has to work, that can take away one of the few good opportunities someone has all year for their kid to see their cousins. I know childfree people have families too. And having to work Thanksgiving or Christmas doesn't actually stop people from traveling to see their family, it's just less convenient for the hosting family to see their relatives on a random week in March when they have other obligations. So I don't think it should be overriding, just one factor. I have one of those spread-out families. My kids were small during the Great Recession. Being told I had to work Independence Day, Thanksgiving or Christmas without an *extremely* good reason is one of the few things I would have been willing to quit over, because it was the only chance we had to see a lot of family at once.
>this crowd isn't capable of having ~~that~~ any conversation in a rational way.
So... Allison wrote the Try Guys letter, right? In attempt to be relevant? The letter itself and the answer are pretty... weird, and oddly obsessed with trying to find a bad guy when there's not a ton of debate over what happened in this case. Dude cheated on his wife with a producer and was fired. This is really a thought experiment so she can rant about her version inequality that she wasn't worried about a decade ago, that's for sure. Also, I don't think Allison knows what a producer does on a show. (or this "Letter writer". ) Because by all measures, they did the right thing and fired the guy, or he "stepped away" or whatever, and the producer wasn't fired.
It's the "just for fun" for me. The place in the pantheon of celebrity-ness for youtube creators is not terribly clear to me but like, someday Ned's kids are going to find old memes that say "I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship." There are like ten people in the universe whose takes actually need to be taken and all of those people are appropriately giving it a minute. The armchair CHROs opining on the situation on social media are deeply out of touch, so I guess it's good if someone who has ever, you know, actually run a workplace investigation like this weighs in. But all the clout chasing on this is gross.
It's driving me nuts. I see so many comments about how x y z was a sign, or the other guys must have known and not said anything, or alternatively have been hating Ned from the start. Like damn y'all know a real person was horribly cheated on, right? But tbh what bothers me most is I see people constantly underplay the other woman's actual role in the company. She's a producer, I've heard people call her his assistant or framed it like she's an intern. He's still above her and that may present it's own issues but by God guys she's not Monica Lewinsky. Had the news not broke they probably would have had him removed privately. For all that people are changing about the consent issues of this, they don't seem to grasp that any level of privacy or dignity would be maintained in the process for what they're going to do with the other woman.
And there's no real actionable anything here, just her ranting about some vague sexism that absolutely is a problem, but isn't here. His reputation is gone, he's was fired from a lucrative gig. "I was a Try Guy!" isn't a great resume builder maybe she should have started there.
It might actually serve Alison well to occasionally create her own content that isn't dependent on reader questions. What's to stop her from just writing a piece based on something she sees in the news and saying "hey...saw this, thought it was relevant, and wanted to add my two cents"?
I wondered that with the Nike-cake letter. Was that really sent to her, or did she make it up because she wanted to write about that, and if so, why not just write about it? Not everything needs a letter. She can just say stuff, it's okay.
She occasionally does, but I do wonder why she doesn't do it more often. She's said in the past that she sometimes picks a letter just because she wants to talk about something--well, it's your site, lady. You can talk about it even without a letter, if you want.
THAT would be a great idea. It could be a weekday regular column. And actually have an answer rather than "oh, wow it WOULD be sexism if..."
So many letter writers show up in the comments saying “oh this resolved itself weeks ago!” but sure, she can answer nonsense about the try guys the same day
I think this really shows that she’s forgotten that he purpose of an advice column is not to just get site traffic; in theory at least it’s supposed to help the people who write in and provide material for her to publish.
It was the same after Dobbs fell where she managed to answer like three questions about abortion the next day. They were all super hypothetical too - "I don't live in a state where abortion is restricted, but if I did, would I have to use PTO?"
People are actually insane. Someone responded to the “my coworker opens my desk without asking when she needs access to papers what do” with a suggestion the LW stage a fake theft and frame her for stealing a significant amount of money. Rather than just talk to her. “it's-a-me September 29, 2022 at 12:36 am Not saying I recommend this as an option, but what if someone loses, or *thinks* they lost, something of value. Say a $100 note. And Nosey Rosey was seen rifling through their drawers an hour ago?” https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/boyfriends-employer-keeps-wrecking-our-plans-company-doesnt-care-about-customer-threats-and-more.html#comment-4025438 Actually that whole comment thread is full of gems. The one saying that opening someone else’s desk is literal murder because “what if the person had just eating some food the desk owner was deathly allergic to and a trace of that food transferred to the desk contents!!”
Yeah, because [setting up a fake crime to get attention for something else](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-employee-set-up-a-false-fraud-investigation-because-she-was-being-abused-and-wanted-the-police.html) went so well the last time...
Oh man that letter was nuts. At the time I believed it but now I'm not sure. Because there totally was fraud going on, just not in the part of the person who was accused.
Ok so a week ago someone stole every single pen in my desk. My response? Man that's annoying. Marched over to the supply closet and got new ones. I can't imagine caring beyond that moment of irritation.
Someone moved my desk slightly recently, so I did the only rational thing and set everyone else's desks on fire.
You didn't start the fire. It was always burning.
Did you not go and search everyone’s desk?
Shit I knew I forgot something.
Maybe drop by your coworker's houses to check?
That whole letter and the responses to it are ridiculous overreactions to something that isn’t a big deal. LW tried her best to paint it in a sinister light but someone grabbing a post it off your desk or using the key (that you didn’t even store securely) because you’re not there to do it is not evil.
Maybe I am picturing the key thing wrong. But if OP is supposed to control the access to the cabinet with the key, the fact that she didn’t secure the keys themselves doesn’t mean that just anybody can take them. It wouldn’t be OK to pick the lock of the cabinet with a piece of string either. The fact that the security was easy to bypass doesn’t make it OK to do.
I think that if things actually went down as described then it's a little bit more weird. Why would they go into the CEO's office and bag like that? It implies that they have been snooping around for whatever reason. It doesn't really have to be sinister for it to feel off socially. And yeah, you really don't have a huge expectation of privacy at work, but I feel like that doesn't mean that your colleagues go through your desk or office on a regular basis unless there's an existing expectation that it's more of a shared space. The OP definitely should have kept the key more secure though, it sounds like.
>Why would they go into the CEO's office and bag like that? It does sound weird, but I wonder if they were both helping the CEO look for his coffee cup in his office and she noticed the lunch bag and checked inside. If she found some sort of insulated bottle or cup in the lunch bag, I could see thinking that might be for coffee, especially the way some of those insulated things have practically become personality types (e.g. Yeti cups). I think LW is peeved about the key drawer thing and is reframing a bunch of other incidents to seem weirder than they actually are. (eta) And if I had scrolled just a bit more, I would see the same point made by snoopCat.
Checking inside someone's lunch bag is still fucking weird. Searching office property, fine. Going into people's belongings is just inappropriate.
Maybe, it depends what relationship she has with her boss. My boss would think nothing of asking me to grab something from his back and wouldn’t blink an eye at me doing it unasked. It doesn’t seem like anyone except the LW has a problem with it.