I love this sub's support for stuff that feels instinctual to me. It's wild how much pressure there is to make a literal baby be independent. I saw a post the other day on reddit about a sleep training "success story" where they left a 4 month old to cry for nearly an hour for a few days. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
My baby is becoming a toddler now and I'm starting to butt heads with our nanny and my mom with gentle discipline. They make a lot of comments about her "fake crying" and "being dramatic" because she's starting to have big feelings. They tell her that crying is not okay and other nonsense. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it because I need them to watch her, but I disagree so much with a lot of the things they say.
Oh the idea that a baby/young child is manipulating by crying seems insane.
They are trying to figure out how to be a person. It's challenging.
When I was visiting a friend my baby started crying on a playmat so I went to pick him up and my friend was like "see this is why he cries. Cause you pick him up" I didn't even know what to say. He doesn't have any words...how else is he supposed to communicate with me.
I cannot fathom not going to my crying baby. All of my family would tell me to stop holding my daughter so much for the first few months because she would start to rely on it. God forbid my daughter is able to rely on her mother's comfort?? I held her pretty much nonstop, as much as possible, my entire maternity leave and I have no regrets.
My aunt had "Velcro babies" (I hate the
term) and now these children are 6 and 8 year olds who are so independent. I just don't think holding a 6 month old too much is possible. My baby gets plenty of tummy time, practicing sitting and rolling but other than that I do not want him containers all day.
We raised generations without baby containers and they all learned to be independent at some point.
Ahh I really like the term, my Velcro baby! Sometimes I say she’s having a barnacle day when she’s extra sticky.
Agreed on containers. Love baby wearing though
I don't like the term cause it's always used as if there's something wrong with it. Most babies are attached to their moms.
It's cute for sure but I think I've just had it ruined for me.
I had him in the carrier for the better part of his first 3 months of life and my MIL would always say he won't learn to sit or roll if I keep doing that. My husband's family constantly expressed concern for our baby being in the baby wrap for most naps.
Here we are at 6 months, sitting, rolling and damn near ready to crawl.
I was really stressing myself out trying to get my baby to take crib naps around 3-5 months. I gave in and contact napped exclusively for months. It wasn't always easy, but it was way less stressful for me. Then at 10 months she transitioned to crib naps quickly and easily. Contact naps were what was best for both of us.
Same! I felt high pressure to get her nap in the crib before going back to work and I was very worried I'd mess up her sleeping in the crib at night. A year later, she still naps in a carrier on me on the weekends, but likes to stretch out on a floor bed most of the time. And the crib has been lava for all sleep since like 9 months lmao
While looking at your baby's face say something like "oh yeah, that's how I treat anyone I love, if they are having a hard time I'm there for them, and of course they will call me anytime they need me, right my sweet baby? Yes, I'm here for you" 🤭
Yes!!! I draw the comparison to adults ALL. THE. TIME.
You’d leave your husband/wife to cry alone for an hour? You’d hit your best friend for making a mistake? I guess I just relate to people differently? People look at me like I’m crazy, but it’s fucking CRAZY how some people treat CHILDREN !!!
Yes! Them crying is how they communicate, if we ignore them we are breaking communication so early. I really think people’s “advice” is really them trying to reassure themselves that their parenting style was/is ok.
Keep listening, communicating and following your instincts.
Why does these people push for independence from day one? It’s like they expect adults out of the womb.
I think calling it manipulation is just an adult interpretation. I do think "fake" crying is real but we also have to keep in mind that crying is a baby's primary form of communication for the first few months. Most people only associate crying with something serious and do not realize they will also cry just to be held, played with, or anything else they want. I think this is why people say they are manipulating the parent.
I just let our nanny go because she claimed she knew/had done attachment parenting style work before but it was clear quickly that she thought it was the wrong approach and voiced opinions like the fact that my one year old should be able to play by himself for an hour.
Our new nanny just started and I already feel 100% better with how she interacts with my son. You can’t get rid of your mom but you can find a new nanny that is aligned with your parenting style!
I'm starting to lean this way since we're coming up on the end of her current contract. I think she has good intentions and I might try and talk to her before finding someone else, but I'm dreading it because I hate confrontation, ugh.
>I love this sub's support for stuff that feels instinctual to me. It's wild how much pressure there is to make a literal baby be independent.
Yepppp!!! And yep, there is so much pressure lol.
>I saw a post the other day on reddit about a sleep training "success story" where they left a 4 month old to cry for nearly an hour for a few days. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
🤢 Same, same, it feels like a gut instinct to feel so sick from purposely letting a baby cry without loving on him. 😭
That’s what’s bizarre to me tending to my baby feels instinctual and anything else makes me feel so anxious and uneasy. I made it thru about 2 minutes of Ferber. Wasn’t right for us. Often I see in the sleeptrain sub someone posts about a success story that has now gone bad or regressed. So the thought of having to do it over and over… how?! I’ll take my little barnacle boobsleeper any day!
I’m not 100% sure this is AP but one thing that helped bring my family on board was helping my daughter learn that “we can cry but not at the expense of others” so we have been working to have those big feelings in a more appropriate area ie, not the dinner table where the high emotions set off her younger brother. Again, I’m not sure if this is AP but it doesn’t help bridge that gap in the conversation with other adults. I say things like “look, I get what you are saying but I am not going to ask my daughter to stuff her emotions just to make you feel more comfortable. We will go away for a bit a come back.”
I think it helps them see that I am trying to do something to help “control” the meltdown and not just let me kid leak their emotions all over the place but at the same time I am trying to teach that emotional regulation is a skill and we can’t just expect toddlers to “behave” all the time.
Oh it's so hard! Our nanny is on board but my mother-in-law is not, and she takes crying as being fussy and not a communication. Crying is a communication, just as crying is a communication for adults
Speaking to the, “How will you have a second child if he’s so attached to you?”
I didn’t research parenting styles. I had a basic understanding of attachment theory thanks to an intro psych course in college, but I never set out to be an “attachment parent.” I followed the ideas associated with this parent style (breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing) as a means of survival. These were the techniques that worked for my son— the ultimate “Velcro Baby.” We contacted napped until he was ready to stop. He comfort nursed all day and night. I have responded to every cry and will continue to do so.
My son is 2.5 now. We weaned without a single tear a month and a half ago. I don’t think I’ve held/ carried him once today. It’s been *months* since I last wore him. He’s still in our bed, and we have no reason or desire to change that. He will stay until he’s ready.
I’m pregnant with his sibling and ready to do this all over again in a few months. He’s excited to be a big brother.
People tell you, “It goes by so fast! Cherish every moment!” and then berate you for doing just that. There is no shame in being responsive to your child’s needs. They will not need you this intensely forever, and when they no longer do, it is so incredibly bittersweet.
>People tell you, “It goes by so fast! Cherish every moment!” and then berate you for doing just that.
LOL yep, which is also why I won't berate someone for attending to their baby.
Such a two-faced culture, it seems, lol.
>There is no shame in being responsive to your child’s needs.
No shame in any of it ❤️
Agreed, I had a Velcro baby and did attachment parenting through baby and toddler years. She is now 5 and me second is 2 months. All through my pregnancy and with her brother now she is gentle, loving and caring.
I have friends who didn’t practice attachment parenting and did sleep training etc and they have a lot of problems when they have their second kid… I refuse to believe that’s just a coincidence!
Oh my God the “it goes by so fast” followed by “well you HAVE to let him cry it out at some point!” but actually…no I don’t😂 The amount of people 10-15 years older than me who are absolutely flabbergasted that I respond to every cry, nurse on demand, bed share etc is astonishing. It makes a whole lot of sense why every adult I meet has serious attachment issues.
I'm sorry you're getting comments like this. Attachment parenting, while on the opposite end of the spectrum from sleep training and the like, is still within the realm of normal parenting practices where I live. I'd expect comments like this from boomers, perhaps, but not folks who are just now having kids of their own.
It's hard not to be sensitive about it, but my advice would be to be as non-committal and dismissive as possible. Getting defensive will likely prompt further prodding. Comments like "you will never sleep..." or "how will you have a second child..." can be met with a shrug and "we'll figure it out". "Of course he's a velcro baby.." can be shut down with "just doing what feels right for us"
There are, of course, plenty of clever and salty things you could say in response too, but I'd opt for the path of least resistance and save substantive parenting conversations for situations where I feel supported, not judged and exhausted.
Totally. I've stopped having unproductive back and forths and focus on things we do align on.
I just want to have a place to vent to sometimes without being met with judgement. Just because I don't want to sleep train doesn't mean I'm not tired. But if I say I'm tired due to lack of sleep, the answer is always, well if you sleep trained.....
You are allowed to be tired even without sleep training. While moms my age seem to be more on the same page than older family, I usually look online specifically for this sort of support.
I find it unbelievable too that people would want to treat a baby like that.
The other day, I read something along the lines of: "Do you lend your car to a complete stranger in the park? No? So why do you expect your child to lend one of his most precious possessions to a complete stranger in the park? We have to scale everything to their size. What would feel worse? Crying and having your husband ask what's wrong, sitting and holding you or having your husband see you cry and return to read the newspaper (not even TV or smartphone)? Why would you have your baby cry alone on purpose?"
I always remember this and it helps, hope it helps you too.
Glad we are strangers, probably living in different countries but together in this fight, advocating for babies 🫶
>"What would feel worse? Crying and having your husband ask what's wrong, sitting and holding you or having your husband see you cry and return to read the newspaper (not even TV or smartphone)? Why would you have your baby cry alone on purpose?"
Oh man, I love this quote so much.
The *defensiveness* I hear from moms who support letting babies cry without providing active support and attention. It's so strong. But at the same time, there's guilt about it? I'd feel guilty in that position, too. Because it feels so difficult and gut-wrenching. But these same moms/parents go, *"But us moms gotta sleep! It's better for a baby to have a rested mom than a sleep-deprived mom!"* (or parent)
I mean, yeah, us parents do need sleep to better care for our little ones, but I do not comprehend that being a reasonable, ethical reason to flat-out ignore your baby's cries — someone please help me understand. 😭
I hate when people tell me that I need to sleep train because if I don't sleep 8+ hours I will not have the energy to be a good mom. I am sleep deprived but I get up I have a strong cup of coffee and I show up for my baby.
We do stuff all day, we take our dog to the park, we have activities, we play. And on weekends I catch up on some sleep while I have my husband home, so I can keep showing up for my baby, even when I don't sleep well.
I feel you….my family and in laws are constantly telling me I need to let my baby cry it out at night and my mom says stuff like “if you would let other people babysit he wouldn’t be like this he’s too attached to mama”….like wtf??? Sorry I don’t want him to spend the night away at 7 months old and we are co sleeping right now because he won’t settle for anyone but me. It’s tiring but I don’t want to do cry it out and I will always tend to him when he needs me. You’re not alone!!
Thank You !! Since when is it crazy to not want to be away from your tiny baby for the entire night?
Sometimes I wish I had a friend to vent to, who just would be like oh yeah, I feel you. Instead of blaming his sleep on me! And if i say i can't hear him crying that long the answer is always well i did it with mine and he's doing great and we're sleeping 8+ hours.
Now when people ask about his sleep I just say oh he started sleeping 5-6 hrs on his own. It's a total lie but I can't have the same conversation over and over!
See if you can find a lactation group through La Leche League or something. Even if you're not exclusively BFing, women in those groups tend to lean crunchier / more attachment-focused in their parenting styles.
I feel like baby sleep is totally random. My daughter started sleeping through the night on her own around 3 months and I was heartbroken that the night feeds were over and I still had to get up and pump for a while because I was engorged. She started waking up at night again like 2 months later when her teeth came in and at 15 months wakes 1-3 times a night. I did nothing to train her either way, she just did it. I assume it will be the same when she goes back to sleeping through the night.
The baby sleep industry is so big and everyone wants to sell people on their trick. It's easy to blame yourself for something you have no control over when other people keep telling you there's something you should do to "fix" it.
I experience this from some people in my life as well, it’s so discouraging because not being close and supportive with my baby just feels wrong- I can’t fathom letting her scream alone in a room.
And somehow we're crazy for that.
What bothers me is constantly being told to put my baby down. He's at the stage where he can't sit independently, but he wants to look around and be entertained so I have to hold him a lot. Once he's crawling, sitting he will spend a lot more time not in my arms. This just seems normal to me but all of my mom friends seem to think it's crazy that I dont have swings, bouncers, activity centers,jumpers all around my house for him.
I’m reading The Nurture Revolution right now and not only has it been extremely validating for me, but has been helpful in directing conversation away from the critique. It’s written by a neuroscientist so when I share information from the book that supports my decisions it helps in letting the other people know that it’s very much founded and research based.
Yeah the advice does go away when you have another kid, I’ve found. So there’s that! Even my mother who was so critical of everything I did the first time is now like “they’re only little once, let them snuggle with you as much as possible!” From the lady who asked “she sleeping alone yet?” Every time she talked to me.
Listen, my kids have never gone to bed afraid. They know my bed is always open for them. I like that, I’m proud we could make that happen. They won’t need me forever.
I’m on my third bedsharing contact napping baby. Not really by choice, but it got easier to do each time. It works. I also try to be a gentle/responsive parent with discipline, instead of just stuffing my feelings or being afraid of my parents like I was taught as a child! My oldest is only 6, so I don’t know if it “works” yet but I think she’s pretty well behaved overall. 🤷♀️
Everyone has comments though. It does make you wonder. But you’ve got to follow your gut.
That's what I keep thinking to myself. Yes right now it feels hard that he constantly needs me, but soon enough I will miss him wanting to snuggle for every nap.
I wanted to be a mother so I could provide someone with love and support that was never given to me. And to this day is my partner has a different tone of voice, my inner voice starts saying does he not love me anymore? is he mad at me?
I've worked on myself a lot and those thoughts still creep in. I want to raise children who don't have those wounds to heal.
“My kids have never gone to bed afraid” 🥺❤️
I distinctly remember having nightmares and going to my parents’ room for comfort and they wouldn’t let me sleep in bed with them. I remember the feeling and it was true fear. My parents were otherwise so good and honestly ahead of their time with parenting but that’s something I’m doing differently now that I’m a mom. If my son is scared in the night and wants to sleep in bed with us, he will.
Omg I could have written this myself! This is exactly what happened to me as a child. It was my mom that wouldn't let me sleep in bed with her and my dad. My dad would always cuddle with me on the couch if he was still awake, when my mom would sometimes work the night shift, but after a while I had to go back to my bed, so my mom wouldn't come home and see that I was in their bed or on the couch. And I slept in a creepy attic, with no nightlight! I shared it with my twin brother, until I was like 11yo (it was the length of the house and I got one end and he had the other) and moved to the spare room where our washer and dryer was. But on top of it, our house was haunted. Idc if no one else believes in that stuff, but I do. I remember always running past the basement door to get to the bathroom bcuz I felt such negativity down there and then my room was another main area with activity. I'm a Christian and I used to pull my blankets past my ears so I wouldn't hear anything and I would fall asleep praying for protection. Even in the summer when it was roasting in my room, I would still cover completely with my blanket. It was miserable and I was petrified.
No one told us it was haunted, but as a child, I came to that conclusion bcuz of the amount of drunk driver deaths that happened on the property bcuz it was neat a big outdoor concert venue. Plus my brother had experiences. Everytime I brought it up to my parents, they would say I'm imagining it. We weren't allowed to see horror movies or anything like that either. Then when we were getting ready to move out after turning 18, my mom then brings it up and said she felt it too, and I told her why TF would you send your kids to sleep somewhere that you wouldn't sleep yourself‽ Ugh
I would wish that on my own kids. I spent my whole childhood afraid. My mom was heartless. I'm still shocked on how my Dad stayed with her for 30 years before he passed away. She was out of her mind and I was constantly walking on eggshells. She's not like this anymore, thankfully. But I still bring it up to try to get answers, and understand.
This may be terrible, but I’m almost militant about it. “Yep, I know I’m a hippie.” “Yep, I know I spoil her.” “Yep, she’ll be sleeping in my bed when she’s in high school too.” Etc. The comments REALLY bothered me with my first child, less so with my 2nd, and now not in the least with my 3rd. Now it’s pure instinct, and it seems *insane* to ignore that instinct. Our American culture is simply misguided. If I’m called the crazy one, so be it.
Stick to your guns, mama - you’re doing GREAT!
I honestly think the idea that attachment parenting breeds clingy kids is bizarre. If I allow myself to drink water whenever I’m thirsty, I won’t be dehydrated and constantly in need of water. Same principle seems logical to me when it comes to love and attention for a child.
Entirely anecdotally, my daughter has always been great at independent play for long stretches of time. She’s just a naturally independent person (like both her dad and me). We’ve always responded to her cues, didn’t sleep train, she spends every day with me etc. and frankly, I think that’s the reason why she’s so independent as a toddler. She knows that she’s loved and supported, so she can be her independent little self.
You guys, I totally get it. What you describe about the comments and how other people raise their kids is horrific. Just some (hopefully encouraging) perspective:
I think it's not just about others wanting to reassure themselves about their choices, I think it's also a cultural issue. Most of you are probably in the US is my guess. I'm in Europe and when I have LO in my carrier many people comment stuff like: Awww he's still so small. Of course he needs mommy! or: enjoy those cuddles! or: Are you also cosleeping?
When I tell people I can basically sleep through the night cause he just latches on for nursing, they usually react positively.
Keep on doing what you're doing, I think attachment parenting has to be normalized. The more visible it is the less methods like CIO are the go to choice for new parents. I think it leads to a more healthy society if many have experienced a secure attachment in infancy.
NGL, it's by far not paradise over here. Some people in our parents/ grandparents generation have made very different parenting choices and will let you know.
And we often have the opposite pressure, too (You want to start him on daycare? He's not even one year old. I could not have done something like that! My baby still needed me then...) So even if you're all about attachment, you suddenly become a bad parent in the eyes of others if you cannot afford to stay home full time that long. Most common age to start daycare / kindergarden is about 3 here.
Keep up your spirits and know you are setting your LO up for a great life when you show them they are loved and safe with you 🤗
It's definitely cultural. At our 4 month appt, my pediatrician said "if you want to sleep train, he's ready" I was shocked! She said he's ready by assessing him for 2 minutes! A lot of doctors in the US recommend weaning them off eating at night and sleep training after they're 4 months!
Oooff! I mean...they spend years studying development of babies / infants / children...and then never question that stuff at all? How?!?
And people always emphasize if you really want a quality advice all your doctor.
Our pediatrician is amazing. Before a vaccination he always tells me to take baby and cuddle so when LO fels the shot he can immediately be comforted. Would US peds in this situation just say: "don't comfort him, he needs to toughen up" ?
And if not, why with sleep?
It's such a norm here that my husband thought it's something we "have" to do. Like at a certain point you have to introduce solids and have to sleep train.
I'm ashamed to admit but we even tried to "sleep train" when my baby was 5 months. We put on a 5 min timer and after 3 min both me and my husband were like absolutely not. This is not for us. And never did it again.
I can understand the pressure parents are under to keep going. It's what's told to us is normal. All these sleep training courses that cost 500$ just to sell you repackaged ferber. I am disgusted with how new parents are taken advantage of.
I think you should rather be proud that you have the courage to go against everything all the people around you have always told you when you see your baby is upset.
You went with your instincts instead and I admire that ❣️
I feel this. I safely bedshare with my now 13 month old (and have since he was a wee babe) and I maybe get sleep the first half of the night, but after that he goes boob to boob. I mentioned how I’m tired to both my mama and my hubby and they said I need to sleep train or I’ll never get a full night’s sleep and I wanted to break down crying because I’m not asking for advice, I just mentioned I hadn’t got much sleep the night before…
It can be so immensely helpful to have a support system, even if it's just online. Aside from this and some other parenting subreddits, I found my monthly bumper group to be an invaluable source of support, both for me and for parenting in general.
It's really hard when other people have kids similarish age to yours, because it's so easy to "give advice" to do differently than how you want to parent. At the end of the day, it's your child, and you're the parent. If possible, I would try to find a more supportive mom group in person; I joined a local meetup group via Facebook and it was invaluable for me to start going out and meeting others with my little guy in tow.
As for the comments about sleep training in particular, this is what I often say: eventually, every baby will sleep. Eventually, they'll learn to do everything by themselves. But for right now, you can comfort and hold them, and for me, that's a sacred moment to treasure. If it were me, I would want to feel safe and comforted too.
I so understand where you are coming from. I joined this community when my baby was a newborn because I was facing the same problems and felt like I had no true support. I was doing things so differently from everyone around me. The responses I got on a very similar post were so helpful in those early days reminding me that following my instincts were justified. Now 9 months in, seeing how my baby is thriving and our bond is so strong, I am better at tuning people out and not letting their comments deter me. And they’re starting to notice how content my girl is, too, and don’t bother with as many comments. But it’s still hard and annoying, for sure!
My baby sleeps with me and I know that it’s a hot topic for a lot of parents in my life that are so schedule and sleep train obsessed. I just chose to not discuss it with them and keep doing what I know is best for my baby and responding to her needs. I turn down night outs frequently because I don’t want to miss bedtime and our cuddles. Any friend who doesn’t understand my position is not the friend for me in this season of my life.
You’re doing an awesome job!
I am petty enough to print out the actual evidence backing my approach and ask the people criticizing me to print their evidence for me when I give it to them. I am also petty enough to criticize them when they end up being unable to find high quality, valid, actual research to support their boomer recommended bullshit.
Hang in there. In a few years, nobody will care how your baby slept as an infant. It's really just... not that important in parenting circles once you're past those early years. Also, when you have another kid and do the same things because it works for you, people will start leaving you alone.
It's best just to avoid mentioning baby's sleep, or being tired, or anything like that. It sucks you can't commisserate, but I would just say "This is working for us now. Would you like some bean dip?"
You may want to look for a La Leche League group in your area. That's where I first found like-minded parents, and got the support I needed. If there are local online groups of any kind, you could ask if anyone's interested in an attachment parenting group/meetup and start your own group (someone from my LLL group started a babywearing group which morphed into a natural parenting group, which ended up getting quite large. There was still a mix of parenting practices, but extended breastfeeding and cosleeping was the norm).
Aw poor little things, parroting the propaganda. It’s all nonsense. I know they’re your friends but you could always judge them back like. “Omg. I just can’t believe you don’t respond to your baby’s cry… it just would hurt me too much to sleep train.” Or you could just drop the facts. “You know they aren’t actually trained to sleep you trained them not to cry because you aren’t going to come”. Are they waiting until AT LEAST 6 months to CONSIDER if their child has even the right temperament? I’ve noticed a lot of people now do CIO willy nilly and do it at 4 months when the poor baby is going through the sleep regression, which is layers of wrong. I can guarantee you have done more research and know more about baby sleep than all of them. And don’t let them pulll the “crying helps expand their lungs “ BS
A friend's sister sleep trained at 4.5 months. Said he only cried for 10 min. I don't want to accuse someone of lying, but that is not mine or most babies temperament.
I've seem the sleep train sub on here, people say their baby cries about 40-60 minutes. Sometimes they say they throw up from crying. The sleep is not worth that to me.
I feel the same as you. With the exception of an acquaintance, all my mom friends think that way too. My closest girlfriend and I are on the verge of likely losing our close bond because she is so judgmental vocally (says something rude and then claims 'but I'm not judging'). She's 100% pro sleep training, cry it out, and spanking her 1.5 year old. She made him sleep on his own on a different floor from 6 weeks on, which is against everything I've read. He has separation anxiety now and she complains about it all the time. 😔
Don't get me started on these "sleep coaches". Talk about taking advantage of vulnerable parents.
How is crying for a very short time while changing a diaper and crying for an hour even in the same realm?
Also crying while being comforted and crying while left alone are two very different things. These sleep coaches pray off parents and they even sell their repackaged ferber programs for 500$.
Oh and you want a newborn course? That will be another 250$. As if newborn sleep can be "corrected". oh my god it drives me insane the lengths people will go to make money.
Solidarity. I have a few mom friends too and they’re all very pro sleep training etc, and don’t understand why I choose to parent in the way that I do. They’re respectful and not judgy, but they definitely don’t understand why I don’t sleep train my 7mo (who wakes very often) and feel bad for me for “needing” to contact nap. I love our contact naps dearly and am not at all looking to stop them, but I definitely feel self conscious about it sometimes when I realize that people are pitying me.
I don’t have friends in real life who parent like I do, and this sub is SO helpful for not feeling alone. It’s hard though, and I definitely get what you mean when you say it makes you unsure of your parenting choices.
Yes omg, it is really hard to parent in that environment. It messes with your head, and I think: totally rude to not try to listen to the parent you want to have a relationship with. Ask! "How do you think about situations like this?" I hate that many cultures, including mine, just ignores that. It's like it would be impossible to learn something from another person. Ugh, in the end I want my relatives to understand (to the core) that I became a parent to at least try to raise a kid who can enjoy themself and have compassion for others. Because I have to think that most actually want that, when they stop and think. Glad you're posting this, it makes me feel less alone
They will always judge you, no matter what you do, it happens to me too.
However, I am not going to hold my baby less, sleep train or do anything I am unsure or uncomfortable with.
Others can mind their children, I mind mine.
I feel you OP. I have the same situation. I have a friend/neighbor that gave birth just 2 months ahead of me. Her and her mom are judging me for almost everything I am doing. Like I didn't breastfeed because of medical reasons, I co-sleep (room sharing), I didn't bathe my baby everyday, etc. They keep on asking me how am I doing and everytime I answer their questions there are corresponding "oh why are you not doing this/that, we are doing this/that" like they constantly comparing and judging me the way I parent my child. It is exhausting and I am trying my best to avoid them because it really affects my mental health. And having a sub like this is only my safe haven. You are not alone OP.
Sorry to hear your friends are supportive because you’re doing amazing and exactly what Mother Nature INTENDED for you to do as a mother. But either way, friends or not, no one should judge anyone’s parenting style (unless of course it’s abuse/neglect/harmful). Have you been able to tell them how you feel? Just a simple, ‘hey I don’t judge you so please don’t judge me or comment anymore on my parenting style. I’m doing what I think is best for me and my baby.’ If you have and they can’t respect that, then they don’t sounds like great friends and it’s time to consider finding parents nearby whose parenting styles align. Try following @wilderbeginnings on IG - I found a bunch of likeminded people in my area from a post she did where everyone commented where they were from. Now we have a little WhatsApp group. Best of luck! Xx
Yeah as a single dad parent, I have completely no help from anyone and I have no parents or grandparents or brothers or sisters so I rather have it this way, no help means no one to judge me on how I do things, I know I doing them right so why do I have someone tell me otherwise, I guess Im blessed in this way, plus I can't give 1 min away from my little man.
Your friends sound like psychos if their actual advice to you is NOT to attend to your crying baby. I read a great post once that said the "old advice" was that if a baby was fed, clean, burped etc then you let them cry and that's that. But you haven't just given birth to a digestive system! You are nurturing a human being and you aren't just there to cater for their digestive needs! You are teaching them trust (in you) and the world, you are teaching them love and compassion and building a bond.
Those are not small things. You should be proud of what you are doing. If babies could talk I guarentee you yours is the only one who would be saying nice things. There is a reason these people sleep train babies before they can talk (because they can pretend babies crying is just crying rather than when they can vocalise their pain and can scream about how scared and lonely and sad they are).
You are a good mum.
In EU I’m being praised and considered a good mom for the attachment parenting style choices and so should you wherever you live. So sorry that instead you have to go through this… Sleep training and bAbY iNdEpEnDeNcE are crazy and scary. Hope you’ll find a way to stay strong.
As someone who did sleep train our 6 month old (gently), I’m all for it and we still respond to all middle of the night wakings. I’m all for it, and I’m all for whatever style of parenting you do as long as it doesn’t hurt them (obvs that’s subjective but you get what I mean…example: don’t let your kid eat a worm).
I’ve also realized how much judgement there is…and I’ve learned not to judge and also not give a shit what others think. Just do what works for you!
I love this sub's support for stuff that feels instinctual to me. It's wild how much pressure there is to make a literal baby be independent. I saw a post the other day on reddit about a sleep training "success story" where they left a 4 month old to cry for nearly an hour for a few days. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. My baby is becoming a toddler now and I'm starting to butt heads with our nanny and my mom with gentle discipline. They make a lot of comments about her "fake crying" and "being dramatic" because she's starting to have big feelings. They tell her that crying is not okay and other nonsense. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it because I need them to watch her, but I disagree so much with a lot of the things they say.
Oh the idea that a baby/young child is manipulating by crying seems insane. They are trying to figure out how to be a person. It's challenging. When I was visiting a friend my baby started crying on a playmat so I went to pick him up and my friend was like "see this is why he cries. Cause you pick him up" I didn't even know what to say. He doesn't have any words...how else is he supposed to communicate with me.
I cannot fathom not going to my crying baby. All of my family would tell me to stop holding my daughter so much for the first few months because she would start to rely on it. God forbid my daughter is able to rely on her mother's comfort?? I held her pretty much nonstop, as much as possible, my entire maternity leave and I have no regrets.
My aunt had "Velcro babies" (I hate the term) and now these children are 6 and 8 year olds who are so independent. I just don't think holding a 6 month old too much is possible. My baby gets plenty of tummy time, practicing sitting and rolling but other than that I do not want him containers all day. We raised generations without baby containers and they all learned to be independent at some point.
Ahh I really like the term, my Velcro baby! Sometimes I say she’s having a barnacle day when she’s extra sticky. Agreed on containers. Love baby wearing though
I don't like the term cause it's always used as if there's something wrong with it. Most babies are attached to their moms. It's cute for sure but I think I've just had it ruined for me. I had him in the carrier for the better part of his first 3 months of life and my MIL would always say he won't learn to sit or roll if I keep doing that. My husband's family constantly expressed concern for our baby being in the baby wrap for most naps. Here we are at 6 months, sitting, rolling and damn near ready to crawl.
Barnacle day 🤣♥️
I was really stressing myself out trying to get my baby to take crib naps around 3-5 months. I gave in and contact napped exclusively for months. It wasn't always easy, but it was way less stressful for me. Then at 10 months she transitioned to crib naps quickly and easily. Contact naps were what was best for both of us.
Same! I felt high pressure to get her nap in the crib before going back to work and I was very worried I'd mess up her sleeping in the crib at night. A year later, she still naps in a carrier on me on the weekends, but likes to stretch out on a floor bed most of the time. And the crib has been lava for all sleep since like 9 months lmao
While looking at your baby's face say something like "oh yeah, that's how I treat anyone I love, if they are having a hard time I'm there for them, and of course they will call me anytime they need me, right my sweet baby? Yes, I'm here for you" 🤭
Yes!!! I draw the comparison to adults ALL. THE. TIME. You’d leave your husband/wife to cry alone for an hour? You’d hit your best friend for making a mistake? I guess I just relate to people differently? People look at me like I’m crazy, but it’s fucking CRAZY how some people treat CHILDREN !!!
Um. Yes. Babies cry so mamas will come. That is literally the point.
Yes! Them crying is how they communicate, if we ignore them we are breaking communication so early. I really think people’s “advice” is really them trying to reassure themselves that their parenting style was/is ok. Keep listening, communicating and following your instincts. Why does these people push for independence from day one? It’s like they expect adults out of the womb.
I think calling it manipulation is just an adult interpretation. I do think "fake" crying is real but we also have to keep in mind that crying is a baby's primary form of communication for the first few months. Most people only associate crying with something serious and do not realize they will also cry just to be held, played with, or anything else they want. I think this is why people say they are manipulating the parent.
I just let our nanny go because she claimed she knew/had done attachment parenting style work before but it was clear quickly that she thought it was the wrong approach and voiced opinions like the fact that my one year old should be able to play by himself for an hour. Our new nanny just started and I already feel 100% better with how she interacts with my son. You can’t get rid of your mom but you can find a new nanny that is aligned with your parenting style!
I'm starting to lean this way since we're coming up on the end of her current contract. I think she has good intentions and I might try and talk to her before finding someone else, but I'm dreading it because I hate confrontation, ugh.
It’s not confrontation!!! Picture yourselves ten years from now. What would you have wanted current you to do?
I hate it too honestly so I get it. I also was dreading bringing someone new on because I knew it would be hard on my son. It’s so hard.
>I love this sub's support for stuff that feels instinctual to me. It's wild how much pressure there is to make a literal baby be independent. Yepppp!!! And yep, there is so much pressure lol. >I saw a post the other day on reddit about a sleep training "success story" where they left a 4 month old to cry for nearly an hour for a few days. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. 🤢 Same, same, it feels like a gut instinct to feel so sick from purposely letting a baby cry without loving on him. 😭
That’s what’s bizarre to me tending to my baby feels instinctual and anything else makes me feel so anxious and uneasy. I made it thru about 2 minutes of Ferber. Wasn’t right for us. Often I see in the sleeptrain sub someone posts about a success story that has now gone bad or regressed. So the thought of having to do it over and over… how?! I’ll take my little barnacle boobsleeper any day!
I’m not 100% sure this is AP but one thing that helped bring my family on board was helping my daughter learn that “we can cry but not at the expense of others” so we have been working to have those big feelings in a more appropriate area ie, not the dinner table where the high emotions set off her younger brother. Again, I’m not sure if this is AP but it doesn’t help bridge that gap in the conversation with other adults. I say things like “look, I get what you are saying but I am not going to ask my daughter to stuff her emotions just to make you feel more comfortable. We will go away for a bit a come back.” I think it helps them see that I am trying to do something to help “control” the meltdown and not just let me kid leak their emotions all over the place but at the same time I am trying to teach that emotional regulation is a skill and we can’t just expect toddlers to “behave” all the time.
Omg my friend was talking about her kid fake crying and I'm like ... They're 1 (same as mine)... There is no fake cry?
Oh it's so hard! Our nanny is on board but my mother-in-law is not, and she takes crying as being fussy and not a communication. Crying is a communication, just as crying is a communication for adults
Speaking to the, “How will you have a second child if he’s so attached to you?” I didn’t research parenting styles. I had a basic understanding of attachment theory thanks to an intro psych course in college, but I never set out to be an “attachment parent.” I followed the ideas associated with this parent style (breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing) as a means of survival. These were the techniques that worked for my son— the ultimate “Velcro Baby.” We contacted napped until he was ready to stop. He comfort nursed all day and night. I have responded to every cry and will continue to do so. My son is 2.5 now. We weaned without a single tear a month and a half ago. I don’t think I’ve held/ carried him once today. It’s been *months* since I last wore him. He’s still in our bed, and we have no reason or desire to change that. He will stay until he’s ready. I’m pregnant with his sibling and ready to do this all over again in a few months. He’s excited to be a big brother. People tell you, “It goes by so fast! Cherish every moment!” and then berate you for doing just that. There is no shame in being responsive to your child’s needs. They will not need you this intensely forever, and when they no longer do, it is so incredibly bittersweet.
>People tell you, “It goes by so fast! Cherish every moment!” and then berate you for doing just that. LOL yep, which is also why I won't berate someone for attending to their baby. Such a two-faced culture, it seems, lol. >There is no shame in being responsive to your child’s needs. No shame in any of it ❤️
Agreed, I had a Velcro baby and did attachment parenting through baby and toddler years. She is now 5 and me second is 2 months. All through my pregnancy and with her brother now she is gentle, loving and caring. I have friends who didn’t practice attachment parenting and did sleep training etc and they have a lot of problems when they have their second kid… I refuse to believe that’s just a coincidence!
Oh my God the “it goes by so fast” followed by “well you HAVE to let him cry it out at some point!” but actually…no I don’t😂 The amount of people 10-15 years older than me who are absolutely flabbergasted that I respond to every cry, nurse on demand, bed share etc is astonishing. It makes a whole lot of sense why every adult I meet has serious attachment issues.
I'm sorry you're getting comments like this. Attachment parenting, while on the opposite end of the spectrum from sleep training and the like, is still within the realm of normal parenting practices where I live. I'd expect comments like this from boomers, perhaps, but not folks who are just now having kids of their own. It's hard not to be sensitive about it, but my advice would be to be as non-committal and dismissive as possible. Getting defensive will likely prompt further prodding. Comments like "you will never sleep..." or "how will you have a second child..." can be met with a shrug and "we'll figure it out". "Of course he's a velcro baby.." can be shut down with "just doing what feels right for us" There are, of course, plenty of clever and salty things you could say in response too, but I'd opt for the path of least resistance and save substantive parenting conversations for situations where I feel supported, not judged and exhausted.
Totally. I've stopped having unproductive back and forths and focus on things we do align on. I just want to have a place to vent to sometimes without being met with judgement. Just because I don't want to sleep train doesn't mean I'm not tired. But if I say I'm tired due to lack of sleep, the answer is always, well if you sleep trained.....
Thank you for not sleep training ❤️
You are allowed to be tired even without sleep training. While moms my age seem to be more on the same page than older family, I usually look online specifically for this sort of support.
Great advice
I find it unbelievable too that people would want to treat a baby like that. The other day, I read something along the lines of: "Do you lend your car to a complete stranger in the park? No? So why do you expect your child to lend one of his most precious possessions to a complete stranger in the park? We have to scale everything to their size. What would feel worse? Crying and having your husband ask what's wrong, sitting and holding you or having your husband see you cry and return to read the newspaper (not even TV or smartphone)? Why would you have your baby cry alone on purpose?" I always remember this and it helps, hope it helps you too. Glad we are strangers, probably living in different countries but together in this fight, advocating for babies 🫶
>"What would feel worse? Crying and having your husband ask what's wrong, sitting and holding you or having your husband see you cry and return to read the newspaper (not even TV or smartphone)? Why would you have your baby cry alone on purpose?" Oh man, I love this quote so much. The *defensiveness* I hear from moms who support letting babies cry without providing active support and attention. It's so strong. But at the same time, there's guilt about it? I'd feel guilty in that position, too. Because it feels so difficult and gut-wrenching. But these same moms/parents go, *"But us moms gotta sleep! It's better for a baby to have a rested mom than a sleep-deprived mom!"* (or parent) I mean, yeah, us parents do need sleep to better care for our little ones, but I do not comprehend that being a reasonable, ethical reason to flat-out ignore your baby's cries — someone please help me understand. 😭
I hate when people tell me that I need to sleep train because if I don't sleep 8+ hours I will not have the energy to be a good mom. I am sleep deprived but I get up I have a strong cup of coffee and I show up for my baby. We do stuff all day, we take our dog to the park, we have activities, we play. And on weekends I catch up on some sleep while I have my husband home, so I can keep showing up for my baby, even when I don't sleep well.
I feel you….my family and in laws are constantly telling me I need to let my baby cry it out at night and my mom says stuff like “if you would let other people babysit he wouldn’t be like this he’s too attached to mama”….like wtf??? Sorry I don’t want him to spend the night away at 7 months old and we are co sleeping right now because he won’t settle for anyone but me. It’s tiring but I don’t want to do cry it out and I will always tend to him when he needs me. You’re not alone!!
Thank You !! Since when is it crazy to not want to be away from your tiny baby for the entire night? Sometimes I wish I had a friend to vent to, who just would be like oh yeah, I feel you. Instead of blaming his sleep on me! And if i say i can't hear him crying that long the answer is always well i did it with mine and he's doing great and we're sleeping 8+ hours. Now when people ask about his sleep I just say oh he started sleeping 5-6 hrs on his own. It's a total lie but I can't have the same conversation over and over!
See if you can find a lactation group through La Leche League or something. Even if you're not exclusively BFing, women in those groups tend to lean crunchier / more attachment-focused in their parenting styles.
I feel like baby sleep is totally random. My daughter started sleeping through the night on her own around 3 months and I was heartbroken that the night feeds were over and I still had to get up and pump for a while because I was engorged. She started waking up at night again like 2 months later when her teeth came in and at 15 months wakes 1-3 times a night. I did nothing to train her either way, she just did it. I assume it will be the same when she goes back to sleeping through the night. The baby sleep industry is so big and everyone wants to sell people on their trick. It's easy to blame yourself for something you have no control over when other people keep telling you there's something you should do to "fix" it.
I experience this from some people in my life as well, it’s so discouraging because not being close and supportive with my baby just feels wrong- I can’t fathom letting her scream alone in a room.
And somehow we're crazy for that. What bothers me is constantly being told to put my baby down. He's at the stage where he can't sit independently, but he wants to look around and be entertained so I have to hold him a lot. Once he's crawling, sitting he will spend a lot more time not in my arms. This just seems normal to me but all of my mom friends seem to think it's crazy that I dont have swings, bouncers, activity centers,jumpers all around my house for him.
I’m reading The Nurture Revolution right now and not only has it been extremely validating for me, but has been helpful in directing conversation away from the critique. It’s written by a neuroscientist so when I share information from the book that supports my decisions it helps in letting the other people know that it’s very much founded and research based.
I've started reading a lot during our contact naps for I'll pick this up. Thank you !
Yeah the advice does go away when you have another kid, I’ve found. So there’s that! Even my mother who was so critical of everything I did the first time is now like “they’re only little once, let them snuggle with you as much as possible!” From the lady who asked “she sleeping alone yet?” Every time she talked to me. Listen, my kids have never gone to bed afraid. They know my bed is always open for them. I like that, I’m proud we could make that happen. They won’t need me forever. I’m on my third bedsharing contact napping baby. Not really by choice, but it got easier to do each time. It works. I also try to be a gentle/responsive parent with discipline, instead of just stuffing my feelings or being afraid of my parents like I was taught as a child! My oldest is only 6, so I don’t know if it “works” yet but I think she’s pretty well behaved overall. 🤷♀️ Everyone has comments though. It does make you wonder. But you’ve got to follow your gut.
That's what I keep thinking to myself. Yes right now it feels hard that he constantly needs me, but soon enough I will miss him wanting to snuggle for every nap. I wanted to be a mother so I could provide someone with love and support that was never given to me. And to this day is my partner has a different tone of voice, my inner voice starts saying does he not love me anymore? is he mad at me? I've worked on myself a lot and those thoughts still creep in. I want to raise children who don't have those wounds to heal.
“My kids have never gone to bed afraid” 🥺❤️ I distinctly remember having nightmares and going to my parents’ room for comfort and they wouldn’t let me sleep in bed with them. I remember the feeling and it was true fear. My parents were otherwise so good and honestly ahead of their time with parenting but that’s something I’m doing differently now that I’m a mom. If my son is scared in the night and wants to sleep in bed with us, he will.
Omg I could have written this myself! This is exactly what happened to me as a child. It was my mom that wouldn't let me sleep in bed with her and my dad. My dad would always cuddle with me on the couch if he was still awake, when my mom would sometimes work the night shift, but after a while I had to go back to my bed, so my mom wouldn't come home and see that I was in their bed or on the couch. And I slept in a creepy attic, with no nightlight! I shared it with my twin brother, until I was like 11yo (it was the length of the house and I got one end and he had the other) and moved to the spare room where our washer and dryer was. But on top of it, our house was haunted. Idc if no one else believes in that stuff, but I do. I remember always running past the basement door to get to the bathroom bcuz I felt such negativity down there and then my room was another main area with activity. I'm a Christian and I used to pull my blankets past my ears so I wouldn't hear anything and I would fall asleep praying for protection. Even in the summer when it was roasting in my room, I would still cover completely with my blanket. It was miserable and I was petrified. No one told us it was haunted, but as a child, I came to that conclusion bcuz of the amount of drunk driver deaths that happened on the property bcuz it was neat a big outdoor concert venue. Plus my brother had experiences. Everytime I brought it up to my parents, they would say I'm imagining it. We weren't allowed to see horror movies or anything like that either. Then when we were getting ready to move out after turning 18, my mom then brings it up and said she felt it too, and I told her why TF would you send your kids to sleep somewhere that you wouldn't sleep yourself‽ Ugh I would wish that on my own kids. I spent my whole childhood afraid. My mom was heartless. I'm still shocked on how my Dad stayed with her for 30 years before he passed away. She was out of her mind and I was constantly walking on eggshells. She's not like this anymore, thankfully. But I still bring it up to try to get answers, and understand.
This may be terrible, but I’m almost militant about it. “Yep, I know I’m a hippie.” “Yep, I know I spoil her.” “Yep, she’ll be sleeping in my bed when she’s in high school too.” Etc. The comments REALLY bothered me with my first child, less so with my 2nd, and now not in the least with my 3rd. Now it’s pure instinct, and it seems *insane* to ignore that instinct. Our American culture is simply misguided. If I’m called the crazy one, so be it. Stick to your guns, mama - you’re doing GREAT!
I honestly think the idea that attachment parenting breeds clingy kids is bizarre. If I allow myself to drink water whenever I’m thirsty, I won’t be dehydrated and constantly in need of water. Same principle seems logical to me when it comes to love and attention for a child. Entirely anecdotally, my daughter has always been great at independent play for long stretches of time. She’s just a naturally independent person (like both her dad and me). We’ve always responded to her cues, didn’t sleep train, she spends every day with me etc. and frankly, I think that’s the reason why she’s so independent as a toddler. She knows that she’s loved and supported, so she can be her independent little self.
You guys, I totally get it. What you describe about the comments and how other people raise their kids is horrific. Just some (hopefully encouraging) perspective: I think it's not just about others wanting to reassure themselves about their choices, I think it's also a cultural issue. Most of you are probably in the US is my guess. I'm in Europe and when I have LO in my carrier many people comment stuff like: Awww he's still so small. Of course he needs mommy! or: enjoy those cuddles! or: Are you also cosleeping? When I tell people I can basically sleep through the night cause he just latches on for nursing, they usually react positively. Keep on doing what you're doing, I think attachment parenting has to be normalized. The more visible it is the less methods like CIO are the go to choice for new parents. I think it leads to a more healthy society if many have experienced a secure attachment in infancy. NGL, it's by far not paradise over here. Some people in our parents/ grandparents generation have made very different parenting choices and will let you know. And we often have the opposite pressure, too (You want to start him on daycare? He's not even one year old. I could not have done something like that! My baby still needed me then...) So even if you're all about attachment, you suddenly become a bad parent in the eyes of others if you cannot afford to stay home full time that long. Most common age to start daycare / kindergarden is about 3 here. Keep up your spirits and know you are setting your LO up for a great life when you show them they are loved and safe with you 🤗
It's definitely cultural. At our 4 month appt, my pediatrician said "if you want to sleep train, he's ready" I was shocked! She said he's ready by assessing him for 2 minutes! A lot of doctors in the US recommend weaning them off eating at night and sleep training after they're 4 months!
Oooff! I mean...they spend years studying development of babies / infants / children...and then never question that stuff at all? How?!? And people always emphasize if you really want a quality advice all your doctor. Our pediatrician is amazing. Before a vaccination he always tells me to take baby and cuddle so when LO fels the shot he can immediately be comforted. Would US peds in this situation just say: "don't comfort him, he needs to toughen up" ? And if not, why with sleep?
It's such a norm here that my husband thought it's something we "have" to do. Like at a certain point you have to introduce solids and have to sleep train.
😵💫 I feel for all those who are trying to be in tune with their babies in the US 😥
I'm ashamed to admit but we even tried to "sleep train" when my baby was 5 months. We put on a 5 min timer and after 3 min both me and my husband were like absolutely not. This is not for us. And never did it again. I can understand the pressure parents are under to keep going. It's what's told to us is normal. All these sleep training courses that cost 500$ just to sell you repackaged ferber. I am disgusted with how new parents are taken advantage of.
I think you should rather be proud that you have the courage to go against everything all the people around you have always told you when you see your baby is upset. You went with your instincts instead and I admire that ❣️
I feel this. I safely bedshare with my now 13 month old (and have since he was a wee babe) and I maybe get sleep the first half of the night, but after that he goes boob to boob. I mentioned how I’m tired to both my mama and my hubby and they said I need to sleep train or I’ll never get a full night’s sleep and I wanted to break down crying because I’m not asking for advice, I just mentioned I hadn’t got much sleep the night before…
It can be so immensely helpful to have a support system, even if it's just online. Aside from this and some other parenting subreddits, I found my monthly bumper group to be an invaluable source of support, both for me and for parenting in general. It's really hard when other people have kids similarish age to yours, because it's so easy to "give advice" to do differently than how you want to parent. At the end of the day, it's your child, and you're the parent. If possible, I would try to find a more supportive mom group in person; I joined a local meetup group via Facebook and it was invaluable for me to start going out and meeting others with my little guy in tow. As for the comments about sleep training in particular, this is what I often say: eventually, every baby will sleep. Eventually, they'll learn to do everything by themselves. But for right now, you can comfort and hold them, and for me, that's a sacred moment to treasure. If it were me, I would want to feel safe and comforted too.
I so understand where you are coming from. I joined this community when my baby was a newborn because I was facing the same problems and felt like I had no true support. I was doing things so differently from everyone around me. The responses I got on a very similar post were so helpful in those early days reminding me that following my instincts were justified. Now 9 months in, seeing how my baby is thriving and our bond is so strong, I am better at tuning people out and not letting their comments deter me. And they’re starting to notice how content my girl is, too, and don’t bother with as many comments. But it’s still hard and annoying, for sure! My baby sleeps with me and I know that it’s a hot topic for a lot of parents in my life that are so schedule and sleep train obsessed. I just chose to not discuss it with them and keep doing what I know is best for my baby and responding to her needs. I turn down night outs frequently because I don’t want to miss bedtime and our cuddles. Any friend who doesn’t understand my position is not the friend for me in this season of my life. You’re doing an awesome job!
I am petty enough to print out the actual evidence backing my approach and ask the people criticizing me to print their evidence for me when I give it to them. I am also petty enough to criticize them when they end up being unable to find high quality, valid, actual research to support their boomer recommended bullshit.
Hang in there. In a few years, nobody will care how your baby slept as an infant. It's really just... not that important in parenting circles once you're past those early years. Also, when you have another kid and do the same things because it works for you, people will start leaving you alone. It's best just to avoid mentioning baby's sleep, or being tired, or anything like that. It sucks you can't commisserate, but I would just say "This is working for us now. Would you like some bean dip?" You may want to look for a La Leche League group in your area. That's where I first found like-minded parents, and got the support I needed. If there are local online groups of any kind, you could ask if anyone's interested in an attachment parenting group/meetup and start your own group (someone from my LLL group started a babywearing group which morphed into a natural parenting group, which ended up getting quite large. There was still a mix of parenting practices, but extended breastfeeding and cosleeping was the norm).
Aw poor little things, parroting the propaganda. It’s all nonsense. I know they’re your friends but you could always judge them back like. “Omg. I just can’t believe you don’t respond to your baby’s cry… it just would hurt me too much to sleep train.” Or you could just drop the facts. “You know they aren’t actually trained to sleep you trained them not to cry because you aren’t going to come”. Are they waiting until AT LEAST 6 months to CONSIDER if their child has even the right temperament? I’ve noticed a lot of people now do CIO willy nilly and do it at 4 months when the poor baby is going through the sleep regression, which is layers of wrong. I can guarantee you have done more research and know more about baby sleep than all of them. And don’t let them pulll the “crying helps expand their lungs “ BS
A friend's sister sleep trained at 4.5 months. Said he only cried for 10 min. I don't want to accuse someone of lying, but that is not mine or most babies temperament. I've seem the sleep train sub on here, people say their baby cries about 40-60 minutes. Sometimes they say they throw up from crying. The sleep is not worth that to me.
Yep. In most of the books that teach about baby sleep aka sleep training, they tell you how to deal with the throwing up. Barbaric.
I just imagine if I was so upset and my husband didnt come to me. I would think of him as heartless. But somehow im supposed to do that to my baby.
I feel the same as you. With the exception of an acquaintance, all my mom friends think that way too. My closest girlfriend and I are on the verge of likely losing our close bond because she is so judgmental vocally (says something rude and then claims 'but I'm not judging'). She's 100% pro sleep training, cry it out, and spanking her 1.5 year old. She made him sleep on his own on a different floor from 6 weeks on, which is against everything I've read. He has separation anxiety now and she complains about it all the time. 😔
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Don't get me started on these "sleep coaches". Talk about taking advantage of vulnerable parents. How is crying for a very short time while changing a diaper and crying for an hour even in the same realm? Also crying while being comforted and crying while left alone are two very different things. These sleep coaches pray off parents and they even sell their repackaged ferber programs for 500$. Oh and you want a newborn course? That will be another 250$. As if newborn sleep can be "corrected". oh my god it drives me insane the lengths people will go to make money.
Solidarity. I have a few mom friends too and they’re all very pro sleep training etc, and don’t understand why I choose to parent in the way that I do. They’re respectful and not judgy, but they definitely don’t understand why I don’t sleep train my 7mo (who wakes very often) and feel bad for me for “needing” to contact nap. I love our contact naps dearly and am not at all looking to stop them, but I definitely feel self conscious about it sometimes when I realize that people are pitying me. I don’t have friends in real life who parent like I do, and this sub is SO helpful for not feeling alone. It’s hard though, and I definitely get what you mean when you say it makes you unsure of your parenting choices.
Yes omg, it is really hard to parent in that environment. It messes with your head, and I think: totally rude to not try to listen to the parent you want to have a relationship with. Ask! "How do you think about situations like this?" I hate that many cultures, including mine, just ignores that. It's like it would be impossible to learn something from another person. Ugh, in the end I want my relatives to understand (to the core) that I became a parent to at least try to raise a kid who can enjoy themself and have compassion for others. Because I have to think that most actually want that, when they stop and think. Glad you're posting this, it makes me feel less alone
They will always judge you, no matter what you do, it happens to me too. However, I am not going to hold my baby less, sleep train or do anything I am unsure or uncomfortable with. Others can mind their children, I mind mine.
I feel you OP. I have the same situation. I have a friend/neighbor that gave birth just 2 months ahead of me. Her and her mom are judging me for almost everything I am doing. Like I didn't breastfeed because of medical reasons, I co-sleep (room sharing), I didn't bathe my baby everyday, etc. They keep on asking me how am I doing and everytime I answer their questions there are corresponding "oh why are you not doing this/that, we are doing this/that" like they constantly comparing and judging me the way I parent my child. It is exhausting and I am trying my best to avoid them because it really affects my mental health. And having a sub like this is only my safe haven. You are not alone OP.
Sorry to hear your friends are supportive because you’re doing amazing and exactly what Mother Nature INTENDED for you to do as a mother. But either way, friends or not, no one should judge anyone’s parenting style (unless of course it’s abuse/neglect/harmful). Have you been able to tell them how you feel? Just a simple, ‘hey I don’t judge you so please don’t judge me or comment anymore on my parenting style. I’m doing what I think is best for me and my baby.’ If you have and they can’t respect that, then they don’t sounds like great friends and it’s time to consider finding parents nearby whose parenting styles align. Try following @wilderbeginnings on IG - I found a bunch of likeminded people in my area from a post she did where everyone commented where they were from. Now we have a little WhatsApp group. Best of luck! Xx
Yeah as a single dad parent, I have completely no help from anyone and I have no parents or grandparents or brothers or sisters so I rather have it this way, no help means no one to judge me on how I do things, I know I doing them right so why do I have someone tell me otherwise, I guess Im blessed in this way, plus I can't give 1 min away from my little man.
Your friends sound like psychos if their actual advice to you is NOT to attend to your crying baby. I read a great post once that said the "old advice" was that if a baby was fed, clean, burped etc then you let them cry and that's that. But you haven't just given birth to a digestive system! You are nurturing a human being and you aren't just there to cater for their digestive needs! You are teaching them trust (in you) and the world, you are teaching them love and compassion and building a bond. Those are not small things. You should be proud of what you are doing. If babies could talk I guarentee you yours is the only one who would be saying nice things. There is a reason these people sleep train babies before they can talk (because they can pretend babies crying is just crying rather than when they can vocalise their pain and can scream about how scared and lonely and sad they are). You are a good mum.
In EU I’m being praised and considered a good mom for the attachment parenting style choices and so should you wherever you live. So sorry that instead you have to go through this… Sleep training and bAbY iNdEpEnDeNcE are crazy and scary. Hope you’ll find a way to stay strong.
It’s scary how sleep training industry is thriving. I think it’s predatory
It is insane ! 500-600 dollars for courses that are basically ferber. These sleep trainers are such a scam !
As someone who did sleep train our 6 month old (gently), I’m all for it and we still respond to all middle of the night wakings. I’m all for it, and I’m all for whatever style of parenting you do as long as it doesn’t hurt them (obvs that’s subjective but you get what I mean…example: don’t let your kid eat a worm). I’ve also realized how much judgement there is…and I’ve learned not to judge and also not give a shit what others think. Just do what works for you!