Mostly the butting-in cousin though. I kinda feel for the Mac and Cheese person, they sound kind of confused themselves. I would be too, after being bombarded with such a weird question.
My first thought was, "Do they know you're autistic?" Because I was thinking they'd be more graceful and open if they knew, but you know what? It doesn't matter. You just don't treat guests that way. That was childish and mean-spirited. I'm sorry you dealt with that.
Best possible interpretation: they are trying to get to know you, use a bit of friendly joshing to bond with you and tell you they are struggling to get to know you.
Might be BS of course, but I find assuming the best in social situations makes my life much easier, and is more often right than not :)
I think you’re right. Hindsight and talking about it with my boyfriend later made me realize that this is the most likely scenario. …now I feel even more lame and weird for not picking that up in the moment!
Or you could be proud of yourself for being willing to assume to best, and to change your mind! That's a genuinely rare talent.
And... I do hope so. It means they're good people who want to connect with you, which is lovely :)
I hope you can enjoy it, OP. You deserve good people in your life :)
If there is one thing I’ve learned about allistics and their conventions/rules, it’s that they really only seem to apply in regard to people who don’t have a lot of power, authority or a charismatic personality. People with those benefits don’t necessarily have to follow the rules like those who have less influence and social capital like us ND people do. We fit in less, so we are always on thinner ice socially speaking and are offered less understanding and forgiveness for the same mistakes that NT do.
This happens to one of my favorite actors ***all the time***. Commentators will go on his Instagram and have full convos about him as if he doesn't read his comment section. He does. It's funny when he randomly jumps in and calls them out on it because usually they're wrong. He does it in such a scathingly polite way it's petty and I'm here for it. 💀
>*The Mac and cheese cousin*
💀 💀 💀
>*“I’m not even sure?” The Mac and cheese cousin said. “I was always told not to trust when someone’s words don’t match their face.”*
I would have said "I didn't ask for a side of ableism with that mac 'n cheese."
>*It’s moments like these where I wish I could just be “normal.”*
I'm happy to report in this situation, it is you that is the normal one
Edit: my most upvoted comment 🥹 thank you\~!
hi this question isn’t that relevant but why can’t you see upvotes on comments? when i upvote your comment it just says +1? are upvotes hidden? i’m confused haha
I believe upvotes have been set to hidden for the entire sub, in order to avoid pile ons and biasing people in their votes. You can see your own upvotes though.
.\_\_\_.
I see 74 upvotes!
https://preview.redd.it/1h7x66otc82c1.png?width=357&format=png&auto=webp&s=f936c39bbee52205ee4a7d23916f9071b316bc2e
This is what I see. I'm not a mod, so maybe you can ask them why upvotes aren't visible. I also wonder why we can't gift awards on this sub.
i’m pretty sure awards were taken off reddit completely. i can see my number of upvotes (9) but not anybody else’s. however sometimes i can see others…i wonder why it changes lol
I've always assumed (no basis to this whatsoever) that for comments deemed "controversial" due to lots of upvotes *and* downvotes, they started hiding the actual number to keep people from brigading in either direction.
This would explain the reason you can still see numbers on some comments and not others, and why I only noticed this change sometime within recent years. No clue if this is true or why I have believed it without questioning it at all. 😅
Edit: it would also explain why the commenter can still see their own number. Okay I'm done I think.
I think after the comment becomes 1 day old, it shows the total number of upvotes. It’s kinda strange because I’d like to see the total number of upvotes no matter how old it is. But yeah that’s what I have heard about upvotes. And I think this only applies to when you’re on mobile, not on a desktop/laptop
I think upvote downvote are hidden for the first 24 hours on this sub and public afterward. It’s different rules from sub to sub so in others they are immediately visible
It's a reddit feature I think. I remember when upvotes/downvotes were always visible but maybe a year ago it was changed (I'm just going off my memory i might be wrong)
I think after the comment becomes 1 day old, it shows the total number of upvotes. It’s kinda strange because I’d like to see the total number of upvotes no matter how old it is. But yeah that’s what I have heard about upvotes. And I think this only applies to when you’re on mobile, not on a desktop/laptop
They're ableist and rude, they're the ones who made it awkward. It's so easy to just take a compliment, instead of shit-talking someone and implying they're lying.
His family sounds toxic and shitty, especially since no one told them off for being assholes. Everyone just sat there and let them talk shit on a guest? WTF.
It is easily possible no one else noticed. If the food is set up buffet-style in the kitchen, and enough people are seated and talking, subtle conversation can be missed.
"You know what you're right, this mac n cheese is as nasty as your attitude." …is what I hope I would be able to say in this type of situation.
You don't have to offer compliments to people with a beauty pageant smile plastered on your face. I'm sorry you had to socialize with such rude people.
I mentioned it to him later and he said his family is just like that. They bully him too (he’s told me that in the past, but today was the first time I experienced firsthand what he’s talking about.)
It sounds like you and your boyfriend might have to present a united front and support each other in not taking his family's bullying. Helping each other stand up against it might help - or having your holidays together without them.
Reminds me of when I was new at work and very overwhelmed. I didn’t talk a lot because I was absorbing so much info. New environment, new people etc to get used to. A few weeks in I was working with a female colleague who I get along quite well with now and a male colleague walks up and starts a conversation with her while I’m standing there. He says to her “does she talk yet”? Like I’m not even like right by them. It was so uncomfortable I have concluded I don’t like that guy and I will be civil to him if we need to talk for whatever reason but we are always on opposite shifts thank god.
But how rude some people are just blows me away. He could have just had a conversation with me and gotten to know me a little
What a bitch.
My students have also not believed when I tell them their art is good because my tone and or face doesn’t match what I say.
I’ve been on dates and said “I’m excited” and the guy was like yeah you sound it. Like sorry? Tf?
And I understood that the guy saying “you sound like it” what being sarcastic 😂 the irony. My students get a pass for being kids but full grown adults do not.
OP I honestly mean this but you need better friends. No friends is better than this. My mom has a saying that it’s better to be alone than in bad company.
Okay so discourse analysis is a deep passion of mine.
My understanding of this situation is that its possible that they dont believe you and cant tell because of the vacant/non-enthusiastic question because they themselves dont believe the mac and cheese is actually good. They might assume you are saying it to be polite and rudely calling you out on it.
It’s still completely rude to talk to a guest that way, especially people who may not know your sense of humor or methods of communication (in family settings this is SO exhausting to navigate for me)
But this might be a reason for their reaction, just putting that out there.
Thank you. I think you’re actually exactly right, because when I mentioned it to my boyfriend later, he said cousin #1 said that mostly as a dig at Mac and cheese cousin. And Mac and cheese cousin was playing along, just unfortunately at my expense. Ugh, this shit is so exhausting to navigate!
Normally I’m better at picking up sarcasm and teasing dynamics like these, but his family makes me nervous and I think my faculties were just stretched too thin.
This seems like a good thread to leave my thoughts.
I don't remember being specifically taught this, and it could totally be a cultural kind of thing, but I've always been under the impression that it's rude af to essentially call someone a liar over something like that.
Possibly with the exception of the person being complimented, when they're expected to behave modestly about it.
Like, change Mac N Cheese to clothes.
"I think that shirt looks great on you!"
It would be considered pretty damn rude, maybe even abusive, for someone to be like "Do you believe her?"
But the person wearing the shirt could get away with responding with something like "Do you really think so? I wasn't sure about it. I don't think it's that great."
I mean, what kind of person accuses someone of lying, out loud, about a compliment meant for someone else? The nicest thing I can think about someone who does that is socially awkward, no filters, or cultural differences. The not so nice things that come to mind are people who are jealous/envious, or like to make people feel bad or uncertain about themselves (mean), or like to instigate personal conflicts between others (drama mongers).
Or, if it's that the person doesn't agree, accusing someone else of being dishonest is a weird and cowardly way of expressing that, and I don't think I'd want to hang around them much. Instead of taking ownership of their negative opinion, they would be trying to project their opinion onto someone else and cause that other person to take a negative social hit instead of risking it themselves.
Over analyzing behavior is one of my things, haha.
Yeah, I’ve seen things like this in person/heard about it from others, specifically related to max and cheese.
So there’s like a meme/joke in some black centered spaces that talk about how important the mac and cheese is - like if you’re asked to make it, there’s an expectation of it being REALLY GOOD.
It almost read to me as the other person trying to say that the mac and cheese isn’t actually that good and trying to make the cousin who made it feel bad.
It also seemed like the cousin who made it was already worried about if people would like it so the other cousin was leaning into that and trying to make Oop be the “person who brought it up first”.
Idk what the cultural background of anybody involved in OOPs post is, but I kinda feel like she unknowingly walked into the other cousin’s trap to make fun of the one who made the Mac and cheese.
Side note, I guess: It also kinda reminds me of why I’m glad most people in my extended family don’t know I can cook because I don’t have to deal with potentially awkward conversations or missing social cues regarding how people feel about the food. I also have to be gluten free so thankfully I don’t get dragged into these kind of arguments, especially given that I know people sometimes can’t read my facial expression.
I would have shrugged "weird, I never heard of that advice before, even on the internet." (Given them a you are weird face) "not my problem if you don't believe me." And grabbed more mac and cheese.
Or I would have just winked at them and grabbed more mac and cheese.
Seriously, it's weird that they would say that... Like weird weird... Weird...
Do they know you have autism? I cant see any normal person saying that unless they were taking a special dig at you... Unless this was their weird way of teasing you... Still though... Weird shit man.
Like other people have said in other comments here... You were definitely the normal one in that group.
I mean like..... Weiiiird.
Less weird and more abusive. My family is this way & they're a twisted morass of people who feel bad about themselves and turn all their bitterness outward and "cover it" by being passive aggressive or saying mean things & then claiming they were joking when the person they insulted gets angry. A joking answer like the ones you suggested is probably best in this situation because it would cause a little confusion at first and OP could dip out into another room to avoid anything else - but the family will trash her after she leaves too, and fighting back will only gin them up more to attack her the next time they see her. Ugh, what a bad situation. Holidays suck.
Apparently I always shake my head when saying yes and nod when I'm saying no, my partner thinks it tells him what I really think, I think it just tells him that my brain and my body don't work together always
Ew. They sound like tossers. As in, toss them out of your life.
Even if people don't think it's a sincere compliment, social contract implies you don't insult someone to their face. Rude.
I'd be petty as hell: "I'm sorry you feel that way. If it's any consolation, it tastes better than your face looks."
I like treating NT’s like they’re weird for reacting like that way. They always deem anything autistic people do weird so it only makes sense I treat them as a weirdo.
This reminds me of every time my husband would tell me I was angry or mad or upset even when I told him I literally was not. He based it on my face. I always assume I have a neutral or whatever expression.
BTW bitchface is not real. It's just our faces.
Resting bitchface is my standard face haha I’m always pretty much neutral. I think a lot of the time it’s related to being tense, relentless attack in the senses by sensory overload and or overthinking. Also comorbid conditions such as hypermobility means more laxity in connective tissues which could also contribute to the neutral face.
They say it’s all about body language cues and things but I think there’s more to it.
Same!! My ex husband and my parents, growing up, would always be upset at me for “giving attitude” when it’s literally just my face and voice and I was never feeling any type of way
I actually read an article about the high incidence of eyerolling amongs autists. Idk how many times I've been accused of doing it on purpose when I don't even notice I do it.
Yes he'd accuse me of rolling my eyes often and I'm like wtf I did not roll my eyes. It's the whole "not looking people in the eyes" thing. Looking up and away while listening. Before dx, when he'd be in narc rages he'd demand I look at him in the eyes as part of it.
I'm sorry your pumpkin pie and Mac and cheese day was dampened. I don't know what I'm supposed to say so I just wanted to say I sympathize so that at least you know you're not alone.
I feel this post so much, I spent around 3 hours with my partners cousin assuming I was sad, angry, moody, etc (only negative emotions) because I don’t smile much.
Later got further comments because the sarcasm in their conversation went undetected by me.
Some people are just rude (tbh almost all of the bullying and negative interactions I have had are because of my autism, it wasn’t diagnosed back then but is all about the symptoms)
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Holidays with families (especially other peoples families) can be so extra draining for people like us. Sending you sympathy and support 🖤🖤
This is the crap NTs do that makes me ok with being Ausome.
Imagine being so bland and cardboard that all you have to offer for Thanksgiving talk is something dumb/mean like that.
Sorry you had to deal with a dummy. Don't let people's ignorance make you feel weird. You weren't weird, they were rude!
oof, I would not have been friendly in reply whatsoever. It's times like this that people learn very quickly that I'm not just Autistic, I'm also BPD and they will learn how to respect a person. I wish I could give just one ounce of my BPD anger to my autistic friends. I'm sorry you had to listen to that absolute shit. Don't even \*try\* to match your face to your emotions, next time just say "yeah I was lying, the mac and cheese is shit, learn to cook" and walk off ;)
What? That almost sounds fake by the absurdity of it.
Sorry they treated you like that. That’s so rude of them!
(Edit to clarify, I don’t think you’re lying, I just think it sounds so much like a scene from an American bully movie that they’re behavior is stupid and childish. Not you in any way)
Normal is relative. Just because something is common or popular doesn't make it good or right. You told the truth and tried to offer a genuine compliment to lift someone up. If they can't trust you enough to accept it, that's their problem.
I know it's still hard being on a different wave length than most people, but I try to remind myself this when I get down about that. I hope it can help you feel better too.
You don't need to be "normal"... they need to be educated and taught some manners. Who says something like that? This is a *them* problem. You did nothing wrong.
Oh gosh. I got to a point where I avoided giving compliments for the longest time because they were never interpreted as sincere, only sarcastic… but then people thought I was rude or horrible if I didn’t give them. I’m sorry that happened, I can imagine it was jarring / upsetting. I’m glad you explained yourself - not that you had to - but some people (NTs) just genuinely aren’t aware that some people’s words are the thing that contain the meaning rather than their expressions or even tone. I hope they understand and get to understand you even better over time, and I hope you’re okay. Fwiw, there’s nothing “wrong” with the way you communicate (coming from someone with flat affect who has been called “emotionless” or just interpreted all wrong I see you, and I see the value in sincerely spoken words! In fact I prefer that!) Also that was pretty shitty of them by the way.
A couple of days ago I had an interaction with someone I presume to be NT. I said it's never polite to make comments about other peoples bodies. She went on about my feelings because it's helpful and that ND or disabled people should be open to "helpful" comments about their bodies from people so they can fix it.
Once again reminding me NT people want us to be like them and claim we're rude when they're actually more often than not rude but will hide it behind jokes or whatever.
What they did to you OP was rude. They picked on you on purpose bc they could. If that's normal IDK if I'd want to be normal because I don't like hurting people for no reason.
Firstly, you ARE normal. It's not your fault NTs don't understand you. Secondly Eesh! I'm really so sorry. I would've felt mad awkward and uncomfortable the rest of the time.
That sounds like sarcasm. He probably thought it was funny. But it's not. At a Thanksgiving party with several people. That kind of behavior is not appropriate, autistic or not.
Imagine complimenting someone on their side-dish and then receiving a backhanded comment on an aspect of your appearance that you have a finite and limited amount of control over.
I know its not all neurotypicals, but I wish this story included some other NT family member or otherwise had stepped in to tell them off for how fucking wild and unneeded that was.
Ugh, I hate when stuff like this happens. They're wrongly perceiving that you're being snarky by not overly emoting so they're being snarky back. Because their egos are easily bruised, they get reactive instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt/clarifying what you really meant. What helps me is remembering that they're reacting based off of false conclusions that THEY jumped to, not to you. They were confused and acting out, essentially, lol. It sucks but it really does have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their immaturity.
I think I’d have just stared at them with a neutral face and said “well do you believe i’m being sincere or not when I tell you I think you act like a bitchy, immature cow”.
That's fucked up, I'm sorry. Growing up, my dad constantly criticized me for "tearing up my face" because he didn't like how I didn't smile or sounds happy enough all the time. Your bf's family sounds awful and I hope you could at least talk to him about it.
If this was your first time meeting these people then it may have just been a ‘hazing’ situation since your new. Otherwise it’s someone else’s choice to believe you or not, you shouldn’t have to insist on your sincerity.
I’ve known them for over a year and a half now! I think maybe they just figure I’ve been around long enough to start teasing? Maybe I just didn’t get it in the moment… or they’re just assholes
They sound awful to be around, if they talk like that to/around guests. I don’t think you’re the abnormal person in this situation, and you didn’t do anything wrong. They’re just getting a kick out of making you feel bad for some reason.
To me if you're being nice you're normal, or the kind of normal I want to be.
Assuming someone saying something nice is not sincere seems to show where their mind is at. Who hurt them you know?
I think that Regina George scene in Mean Girls where she compliments the skirt pretty much ruined my life haha. I freely give out compliments a lot but always get hesitant and confused reactions, like people are always assuming I’m actually making fun of them
Really hate this! They don’t sound fun to be around. I relate to this a lot. It reminds me of when I go to get my haircut, nails, etc, the person will ask me how I like it, and I’m not beaming with joy with a wide opened smile, I just compliment their work and say thank you. But it’s always a bit awkward because they’re looking at my facial reaction. One instance they even asked if I was sure. Like YES HONEY, I’m sure. I just pay and leave. People won’t get it because they’re unaware.
Wow that was honestly super bitchy of them, I'm so sorry. I've never been great with "in-laws" being shitty so good for you not reacting like I absolutely would have lol
Just roll your eyes and say, "huh, okay." And walk off. When you try to be nice and communicate and someone is a jerk, they aren't worth your time. Sorry your bfs family sucks.
Why are people so effing mean. You were kind and offered a compliment. I wish they would have kept it at that. It's tough enough for us NDs in the NT world. Gah.
In retrospect I think it might’ve been playful. But I don’t feel comfortable joking around like that with people I don’t know well (and it takes me a LONG time to feel comfortable with people.) I guess it didn’t occur to me that it was a joke until later, because in my mind, we aren’t close like that
I agree that the other cousin was being mean.
But, Jesu Christ most of the people commenting on this post are just taking it too far. They are actually being mean.
Like come on, we all tell each other to be wary of narcissists and liers, but suddenly it's wrong when NT do it?
Think about it, is it more likely that a lier/narcissists face does not match what he is saying. This is what we teach people/family to keep them safe. Nothing wrong with it. Sure, it comes off as mean and full of prejudice, but it is a threat alert mechanism.
I have RBF, I know how it feels.
It sucks that we may come off as being fake, but this behaviour isn't always from a bad place.
I hate that passive aggressive shit. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I hope you get to decompress soon.
Your bf’s family sounds insufferable. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
Mostly the butting-in cousin though. I kinda feel for the Mac and Cheese person, they sound kind of confused themselves. I would be too, after being bombarded with such a weird question.
right😭 it sounds like the other cousin is putting ideas in her head and confusing her, in order to single out OP for being autistic. how unpleasant
My first thought was, "Do they know you're autistic?" Because I was thinking they'd be more graceful and open if they knew, but you know what? It doesn't matter. You just don't treat guests that way. That was childish and mean-spirited. I'm sorry you dealt with that.
Thank you! It’s ok, they don’t know I’m autistic, I don’t tell people. I’m sure in their eyes I just look like a quiet snob or something
Just remembering that all my friends from college were considered “snobs” but they never felt that way to me
Yep, I'm usually characterised as stuck up untill people get to know me. Just let me have my resting bitch face!
Best possible interpretation: they are trying to get to know you, use a bit of friendly joshing to bond with you and tell you they are struggling to get to know you. Might be BS of course, but I find assuming the best in social situations makes my life much easier, and is more often right than not :)
I think you’re right. Hindsight and talking about it with my boyfriend later made me realize that this is the most likely scenario. …now I feel even more lame and weird for not picking that up in the moment!
Or you could be proud of yourself for being willing to assume to best, and to change your mind! That's a genuinely rare talent. And... I do hope so. It means they're good people who want to connect with you, which is lovely :) I hope you can enjoy it, OP. You deserve good people in your life :)
Thank you so much! :)
I’ve been called snobby 🤷🏼♀️💜
Pardon my french, but what a cunt. Wtaf?? Like what kind of weird, aggressive shit is that? Im so sorry that happened to you!
What the *fuck*? My next words would be, "Why are you speaking about me as though I am not here?" Insufferable creatures.
seriously. isn't this like, allistic rule number one? amazing how their own rules don't even apply to us since they don't see us as people
If there is one thing I’ve learned about allistics and their conventions/rules, it’s that they really only seem to apply in regard to people who don’t have a lot of power, authority or a charismatic personality. People with those benefits don’t necessarily have to follow the rules like those who have less influence and social capital like us ND people do. We fit in less, so we are always on thinner ice socially speaking and are offered less understanding and forgiveness for the same mistakes that NT do.
We are easy targets for their desire for drama, and an easy target for putting someone down to feel better about themselves. That’s all it sums up to.
Thank you for this! You are 100% right and have put into words what I have been feeling/dealing with this week
I hate when people talk about you in front of you instead of just having an adult conversation about it.
This happens to one of my favorite actors ***all the time***. Commentators will go on his Instagram and have full convos about him as if he doesn't read his comment section. He does. It's funny when he randomly jumps in and calls them out on it because usually they're wrong. He does it in such a scathingly polite way it's petty and I'm here for it. 💀
>*The Mac and cheese cousin* 💀 💀 💀 >*“I’m not even sure?” The Mac and cheese cousin said. “I was always told not to trust when someone’s words don’t match their face.”* I would have said "I didn't ask for a side of ableism with that mac 'n cheese." >*It’s moments like these where I wish I could just be “normal.”* I'm happy to report in this situation, it is you that is the normal one Edit: my most upvoted comment 🥹 thank you\~!
hi this question isn’t that relevant but why can’t you see upvotes on comments? when i upvote your comment it just says +1? are upvotes hidden? i’m confused haha
I believe upvotes have been set to hidden for the entire sub, in order to avoid pile ons and biasing people in their votes. You can see your own upvotes though.
ahhh that makes the most sense!!! considering i can see upvotes/downvotes in other communities. thank yo
.\_\_\_. I see 74 upvotes! https://preview.redd.it/1h7x66otc82c1.png?width=357&format=png&auto=webp&s=f936c39bbee52205ee4a7d23916f9071b316bc2e This is what I see. I'm not a mod, so maybe you can ask them why upvotes aren't visible. I also wonder why we can't gift awards on this sub.
i’m pretty sure awards were taken off reddit completely. i can see my number of upvotes (9) but not anybody else’s. however sometimes i can see others…i wonder why it changes lol
I've always assumed (no basis to this whatsoever) that for comments deemed "controversial" due to lots of upvotes *and* downvotes, they started hiding the actual number to keep people from brigading in either direction. This would explain the reason you can still see numbers on some comments and not others, and why I only noticed this change sometime within recent years. No clue if this is true or why I have believed it without questioning it at all. 😅 Edit: it would also explain why the commenter can still see their own number. Okay I'm done I think.
This is correct.
💀💀💀💀💀 but...the snek award was so cute! I wanted to be gifted one!
Aww I would give you one if they still had them Here: 🐍 best I can do
🖤🖤🖤🖤 eehee thank you! Is cute
sorry what are the skulls for?😅🥲😭
My joy and hope for being gifted a snek dying. RIP
I think after the comment becomes 1 day old, it shows the total number of upvotes. It’s kinda strange because I’d like to see the total number of upvotes no matter how old it is. But yeah that’s what I have heard about upvotes. And I think this only applies to when you’re on mobile, not on a desktop/laptop
I think upvote downvote are hidden for the first 24 hours on this sub and public afterward. It’s different rules from sub to sub so in others they are immediately visible
New posts have their score hidden to avoid people voting with the masses.
how new is a “new” post? 1 week (just saying random time amount lol) and then the upvotes/downvotes show?
It seems 1 day for this sub
It's a reddit feature I think. I remember when upvotes/downvotes were always visible but maybe a year ago it was changed (I'm just going off my memory i might be wrong)
I think after the comment becomes 1 day old, it shows the total number of upvotes. It’s kinda strange because I’d like to see the total number of upvotes no matter how old it is. But yeah that’s what I have heard about upvotes. And I think this only applies to when you’re on mobile, not on a desktop/laptop
Yeah I think its strange too, I liked seeing votes in real time. Ahhh ok that makes sense, I'm always on mobile.
I don’t s see any either
They're ableist and rude, they're the ones who made it awkward. It's so easy to just take a compliment, instead of shit-talking someone and implying they're lying. His family sounds toxic and shitty, especially since no one told them off for being assholes. Everyone just sat there and let them talk shit on a guest? WTF.
It is easily possible no one else noticed. If the food is set up buffet-style in the kitchen, and enough people are seated and talking, subtle conversation can be missed.
Possible? Sure. *Easily* possible? No.
"You know what you're right, this mac n cheese is as nasty as your attitude." …is what I hope I would be able to say in this type of situation. You don't have to offer compliments to people with a beauty pageant smile plastered on your face. I'm sorry you had to socialize with such rude people.
Omg I love this comeback so much hahaha
Did your boyfriend even say anything to them?
My boyfriend is also probably autistic and awkward so he didn’t know what to say either haha
He could've said something to them after the fact.
I mentioned it to him later and he said his family is just like that. They bully him too (he’s told me that in the past, but today was the first time I experienced firsthand what he’s talking about.)
It sounds like you and your boyfriend might have to present a united front and support each other in not taking his family's bullying. Helping each other stand up against it might help - or having your holidays together without them.
I vote that y’all spend thanksgiving elsewhere next year
He needs to start standing up to them for you, *and* himself. Otherwise, there will be more shitty Thanksgiving experiences like this again. 😞
Sounds like you may be good for him to realize he doesn't have to take the way they treat him as normal
What the actual fuck, who talks about someone like that while they're right there??? They sound rude as hell.
Reminds me of when I was new at work and very overwhelmed. I didn’t talk a lot because I was absorbing so much info. New environment, new people etc to get used to. A few weeks in I was working with a female colleague who I get along quite well with now and a male colleague walks up and starts a conversation with her while I’m standing there. He says to her “does she talk yet”? Like I’m not even like right by them. It was so uncomfortable I have concluded I don’t like that guy and I will be civil to him if we need to talk for whatever reason but we are always on opposite shifts thank god. But how rude some people are just blows me away. He could have just had a conversation with me and gotten to know me a little
What a bitch. My students have also not believed when I tell them their art is good because my tone and or face doesn’t match what I say. I’ve been on dates and said “I’m excited” and the guy was like yeah you sound it. Like sorry? Tf?
Same!! It’s tiring always having to explain, “I’m not being sarcastic” to people who claim we’re the ones who don’t understand sarcasm
And I understood that the guy saying “you sound like it” what being sarcastic 😂 the irony. My students get a pass for being kids but full grown adults do not. OP I honestly mean this but you need better friends. No friends is better than this. My mom has a saying that it’s better to be alone than in bad company.
"do you believe her?" is an insane response! Extremely invalidating
Okay so discourse analysis is a deep passion of mine. My understanding of this situation is that its possible that they dont believe you and cant tell because of the vacant/non-enthusiastic question because they themselves dont believe the mac and cheese is actually good. They might assume you are saying it to be polite and rudely calling you out on it. It’s still completely rude to talk to a guest that way, especially people who may not know your sense of humor or methods of communication (in family settings this is SO exhausting to navigate for me) But this might be a reason for their reaction, just putting that out there.
Thank you. I think you’re actually exactly right, because when I mentioned it to my boyfriend later, he said cousin #1 said that mostly as a dig at Mac and cheese cousin. And Mac and cheese cousin was playing along, just unfortunately at my expense. Ugh, this shit is so exhausting to navigate! Normally I’m better at picking up sarcasm and teasing dynamics like these, but his family makes me nervous and I think my faculties were just stretched too thin.
This seems like a good thread to leave my thoughts. I don't remember being specifically taught this, and it could totally be a cultural kind of thing, but I've always been under the impression that it's rude af to essentially call someone a liar over something like that. Possibly with the exception of the person being complimented, when they're expected to behave modestly about it. Like, change Mac N Cheese to clothes. "I think that shirt looks great on you!" It would be considered pretty damn rude, maybe even abusive, for someone to be like "Do you believe her?" But the person wearing the shirt could get away with responding with something like "Do you really think so? I wasn't sure about it. I don't think it's that great." I mean, what kind of person accuses someone of lying, out loud, about a compliment meant for someone else? The nicest thing I can think about someone who does that is socially awkward, no filters, or cultural differences. The not so nice things that come to mind are people who are jealous/envious, or like to make people feel bad or uncertain about themselves (mean), or like to instigate personal conflicts between others (drama mongers). Or, if it's that the person doesn't agree, accusing someone else of being dishonest is a weird and cowardly way of expressing that, and I don't think I'd want to hang around them much. Instead of taking ownership of their negative opinion, they would be trying to project their opinion onto someone else and cause that other person to take a negative social hit instead of risking it themselves. Over analyzing behavior is one of my things, haha.
Yeah, I’ve seen things like this in person/heard about it from others, specifically related to max and cheese. So there’s like a meme/joke in some black centered spaces that talk about how important the mac and cheese is - like if you’re asked to make it, there’s an expectation of it being REALLY GOOD. It almost read to me as the other person trying to say that the mac and cheese isn’t actually that good and trying to make the cousin who made it feel bad. It also seemed like the cousin who made it was already worried about if people would like it so the other cousin was leaning into that and trying to make Oop be the “person who brought it up first”. Idk what the cultural background of anybody involved in OOPs post is, but I kinda feel like she unknowingly walked into the other cousin’s trap to make fun of the one who made the Mac and cheese. Side note, I guess: It also kinda reminds me of why I’m glad most people in my extended family don’t know I can cook because I don’t have to deal with potentially awkward conversations or missing social cues regarding how people feel about the food. I also have to be gluten free so thankfully I don’t get dragged into these kind of arguments, especially given that I know people sometimes can’t read my facial expression.
I should have kept reading through the comments and thought a bit more, lol. Teasing didn't even occur to me.
Same :/
I would have shrugged "weird, I never heard of that advice before, even on the internet." (Given them a you are weird face) "not my problem if you don't believe me." And grabbed more mac and cheese. Or I would have just winked at them and grabbed more mac and cheese. Seriously, it's weird that they would say that... Like weird weird... Weird... Do they know you have autism? I cant see any normal person saying that unless they were taking a special dig at you... Unless this was their weird way of teasing you... Still though... Weird shit man. Like other people have said in other comments here... You were definitely the normal one in that group. I mean like..... Weiiiird.
Less weird and more abusive. My family is this way & they're a twisted morass of people who feel bad about themselves and turn all their bitterness outward and "cover it" by being passive aggressive or saying mean things & then claiming they were joking when the person they insulted gets angry. A joking answer like the ones you suggested is probably best in this situation because it would cause a little confusion at first and OP could dip out into another room to avoid anything else - but the family will trash her after she leaves too, and fighting back will only gin them up more to attack her the next time they see her. Ugh, what a bad situation. Holidays suck.
Weird because that abusive crap is not normal
It's bullying, no question. (Assuming they know your diagnosis). Edited to add it likely is even if they don't.
Apparently I always shake my head when saying yes and nod when I'm saying no, my partner thinks it tells him what I really think, I think it just tells him that my brain and my body don't work together always
That sounds like the Indian way!
Similar, but my nod is very different :D
Ew. They sound like tossers. As in, toss them out of your life. Even if people don't think it's a sincere compliment, social contract implies you don't insult someone to their face. Rude. I'd be petty as hell: "I'm sorry you feel that way. If it's any consolation, it tastes better than your face looks."
I like treating NT’s like they’re weird for reacting like that way. They always deem anything autistic people do weird so it only makes sense I treat them as a weirdo.
A simple 'thank you' would do. Seriously!
That is extremely odd behaviour coming from them. Why would you lie? If it was that shit I wouldn't even say anything.
This reminds me of every time my husband would tell me I was angry or mad or upset even when I told him I literally was not. He based it on my face. I always assume I have a neutral or whatever expression. BTW bitchface is not real. It's just our faces.
Resting bitchface is my standard face haha I’m always pretty much neutral. I think a lot of the time it’s related to being tense, relentless attack in the senses by sensory overload and or overthinking. Also comorbid conditions such as hypermobility means more laxity in connective tissues which could also contribute to the neutral face. They say it’s all about body language cues and things but I think there’s more to it.
Same!! My ex husband and my parents, growing up, would always be upset at me for “giving attitude” when it’s literally just my face and voice and I was never feeling any type of way
I actually read an article about the high incidence of eyerolling amongs autists. Idk how many times I've been accused of doing it on purpose when I don't even notice I do it.
Yes he'd accuse me of rolling my eyes often and I'm like wtf I did not roll my eyes. It's the whole "not looking people in the eyes" thing. Looking up and away while listening. Before dx, when he'd be in narc rages he'd demand I look at him in the eyes as part of it.
My ex was the same. He’d accuse me of being in a bad mood when I was not :( No matter how often I tried telling him
I'm sorry your pumpkin pie and Mac and cheese day was dampened. I don't know what I'm supposed to say so I just wanted to say I sympathize so that at least you know you're not alone.
You should have said "unlike you I don't tend to lie for breakfast"
"You can trust me when I tell you, you're An Ass."
they sound like dicks show up next year with even better mac and cheese
I hope your boyfriend is not like them
It sucks when you go out of your way to be nice and then that happens. 😭
They sound rude and annoying. Who talks about someone in front of them like that?? Passive aggressive weirdos. Sorry you had to deal with them 💗
I feel this post so much, I spent around 3 hours with my partners cousin assuming I was sad, angry, moody, etc (only negative emotions) because I don’t smile much. Later got further comments because the sarcasm in their conversation went undetected by me. Some people are just rude (tbh almost all of the bullying and negative interactions I have had are because of my autism, it wasn’t diagnosed back then but is all about the symptoms)
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Holidays with families (especially other peoples families) can be so extra draining for people like us. Sending you sympathy and support 🖤🖤
This is the crap NTs do that makes me ok with being Ausome. Imagine being so bland and cardboard that all you have to offer for Thanksgiving talk is something dumb/mean like that. Sorry you had to deal with a dummy. Don't let people's ignorance make you feel weird. You weren't weird, they were rude!
oof, I would not have been friendly in reply whatsoever. It's times like this that people learn very quickly that I'm not just Autistic, I'm also BPD and they will learn how to respect a person. I wish I could give just one ounce of my BPD anger to my autistic friends. I'm sorry you had to listen to that absolute shit. Don't even \*try\* to match your face to your emotions, next time just say "yeah I was lying, the mac and cheese is shit, learn to cook" and walk off ;)
I would have said no you're right actually I hate it with the same expression.
💀🤣
This is another made up social rule with pure nonsense behind it
> not to trust when someone’s words don’t match their face Is this actually a thing? What do you do when you are on phone call and messaging apps?
What? That almost sounds fake by the absurdity of it. Sorry they treated you like that. That’s so rude of them! (Edit to clarify, I don’t think you’re lying, I just think it sounds so much like a scene from an American bully movie that they’re behavior is stupid and childish. Not you in any way)
Wow so thoughtless and weird of them. Who says that. Why would you lie about liking the Mac n cheese
Wtf even is a liking the Mac n cheese face!? I do not understand how a face no matter what it's doing doesn't match liking Mac n Cheese!?
Haha seriously!! My mouth is full of it. I’m eating it. I like it.
Right! Like I'm shoving it in my face I eat 3 servings, I have basically not touched anything else, I definitely hate it /s
Normal is relative. Just because something is common or popular doesn't make it good or right. You told the truth and tried to offer a genuine compliment to lift someone up. If they can't trust you enough to accept it, that's their problem. I know it's still hard being on a different wave length than most people, but I try to remind myself this when I get down about that. I hope it can help you feel better too.
You responded a lot nicer than I would have, I’m sorry you had to deal with this.
You are definitely the normal one in this scenario.
That is so rude of them, wtf?
Who tf says that? That would be the last time I forced myself to endure his family. Fuck them.
You don't need to be "normal"... they need to be educated and taught some manners. Who says something like that? This is a *them* problem. You did nothing wrong.
Oh gosh. I got to a point where I avoided giving compliments for the longest time because they were never interpreted as sincere, only sarcastic… but then people thought I was rude or horrible if I didn’t give them. I’m sorry that happened, I can imagine it was jarring / upsetting. I’m glad you explained yourself - not that you had to - but some people (NTs) just genuinely aren’t aware that some people’s words are the thing that contain the meaning rather than their expressions or even tone. I hope they understand and get to understand you even better over time, and I hope you’re okay. Fwiw, there’s nothing “wrong” with the way you communicate (coming from someone with flat affect who has been called “emotionless” or just interpreted all wrong I see you, and I see the value in sincerely spoken words! In fact I prefer that!) Also that was pretty shitty of them by the way.
A couple of days ago I had an interaction with someone I presume to be NT. I said it's never polite to make comments about other peoples bodies. She went on about my feelings because it's helpful and that ND or disabled people should be open to "helpful" comments about their bodies from people so they can fix it. Once again reminding me NT people want us to be like them and claim we're rude when they're actually more often than not rude but will hide it behind jokes or whatever. What they did to you OP was rude. They picked on you on purpose bc they could. If that's normal IDK if I'd want to be normal because I don't like hurting people for no reason.
“Huh. Well you might be overestimating your literacy in face-reading”
Firstly, you ARE normal. It's not your fault NTs don't understand you. Secondly Eesh! I'm really so sorry. I would've felt mad awkward and uncomfortable the rest of the time.
Actually, I would've already been mad awkward and uncomfortable lol but this would've made it unbearable.
That sounds like sarcasm. He probably thought it was funny. But it's not. At a Thanksgiving party with several people. That kind of behavior is not appropriate, autistic or not.
Imagine complimenting someone on their side-dish and then receiving a backhanded comment on an aspect of your appearance that you have a finite and limited amount of control over. I know its not all neurotypicals, but I wish this story included some other NT family member or otherwise had stepped in to tell them off for how fucking wild and unneeded that was.
Ugh, I hate when stuff like this happens. They're wrongly perceiving that you're being snarky by not overly emoting so they're being snarky back. Because their egos are easily bruised, they get reactive instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt/clarifying what you really meant. What helps me is remembering that they're reacting based off of false conclusions that THEY jumped to, not to you. They were confused and acting out, essentially, lol. It sucks but it really does have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their immaturity.
Fuck them
Oh wow I’m so sorry they were so insensitive. Did you tell them you are autistic? Or do they know already? Like this is how our faces are.
That’s annoying. What you said in response is perfect though, good job
All he had to say was "thank you" and end it there 😑. They're just dumbasses, OP.
Jeez tell her to just take the freaking compliment.
I think I’d have just stared at them with a neutral face and said “well do you believe i’m being sincere or not when I tell you I think you act like a bitchy, immature cow”.
That's fucked up, I'm sorry. Growing up, my dad constantly criticized me for "tearing up my face" because he didn't like how I didn't smile or sounds happy enough all the time. Your bf's family sounds awful and I hope you could at least talk to him about it.
If this was your first time meeting these people then it may have just been a ‘hazing’ situation since your new. Otherwise it’s someone else’s choice to believe you or not, you shouldn’t have to insist on your sincerity.
I’ve known them for over a year and a half now! I think maybe they just figure I’ve been around long enough to start teasing? Maybe I just didn’t get it in the moment… or they’re just assholes
They sound awful to be around, if they talk like that to/around guests. I don’t think you’re the abnormal person in this situation, and you didn’t do anything wrong. They’re just getting a kick out of making you feel bad for some reason.
To me if you're being nice you're normal, or the kind of normal I want to be. Assuming someone saying something nice is not sincere seems to show where their mind is at. Who hurt them you know?
I think that Regina George scene in Mean Girls where she compliments the skirt pretty much ruined my life haha. I freely give out compliments a lot but always get hesitant and confused reactions, like people are always assuming I’m actually making fun of them
I think people will realize that you are sincere once they know you for a while too
Really hate this! They don’t sound fun to be around. I relate to this a lot. It reminds me of when I go to get my haircut, nails, etc, the person will ask me how I like it, and I’m not beaming with joy with a wide opened smile, I just compliment their work and say thank you. But it’s always a bit awkward because they’re looking at my facial reaction. One instance they even asked if I was sure. Like YES HONEY, I’m sure. I just pay and leave. People won’t get it because they’re unaware.
The other cousin was probably just trying to tease the Mac and cheese person, but it was still really rude.
Oh I get called a liar, quite often because often my face doesn’t match my emotions or my tone of voice doesn’t always match either.
Wow that was honestly super bitchy of them, I'm so sorry. I've never been great with "in-laws" being shitty so good for you not reacting like I absolutely would have lol
These people sound rude as hell, and like potential shit-stirrers. Sorry, OP.
who the actual fuck acts like this when they get a complament? what pieces of shits ugh
Normal people just say, “thank you.” Whether they’re autistic or not.
I would've said it doesn't taste good now lmfao
I'd go to further holiday celebrations and not eat it. Let them wonder why.
Just roll your eyes and say, "huh, okay." And walk off. When you try to be nice and communicate and someone is a jerk, they aren't worth your time. Sorry your bfs family sucks.
Why are people so effing mean. You were kind and offered a compliment. I wish they would have kept it at that. It's tough enough for us NDs in the NT world. Gah.
This would have made me cry and would be so hard to stop ruminating over.
Was it playful? Or was it serious?
In retrospect I think it might’ve been playful. But I don’t feel comfortable joking around like that with people I don’t know well (and it takes me a LONG time to feel comfortable with people.) I guess it didn’t occur to me that it was a joke until later, because in my mind, we aren’t close like that
Wtaf. They sound toxic.
Super rude and weird behavior from the cousins. You did the right thing and they are out of line.
argh my mom does this! i always feel like i need to act and put a ton of effort just to make HER feel comfortable. it's so annoying.
You are normal. That was super abelist and shitty of them. Keep being you.
They were the ones being rude and abnormal, who says something like that?? Jeez
I agree that the other cousin was being mean. But, Jesu Christ most of the people commenting on this post are just taking it too far. They are actually being mean. Like come on, we all tell each other to be wary of narcissists and liers, but suddenly it's wrong when NT do it? Think about it, is it more likely that a lier/narcissists face does not match what he is saying. This is what we teach people/family to keep them safe. Nothing wrong with it. Sure, it comes off as mean and full of prejudice, but it is a threat alert mechanism. I have RBF, I know how it feels. It sucks that we may come off as being fake, but this behaviour isn't always from a bad place.