This is called âdog whistlingâ itâs a narcissistic behavior. We are very susceptible to these types of people. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2023/02/how-narcissists-use-dog-whistling-to-covertly-abuse-you-signs-youre-experiencing-this-dangerous-manipulation-method/
Thank you for this. Reading it has made me realize a lot more people have done this to me than I realize. I'm a magnet for narcasstic people, unfortunately. I have always thought it was because I was one myself and was so deeply upset by that. I told this to my therapist, and she said that narcissists don't worry about being narcissists. The reason I attract them is because of my autism.
My therapist told me that we (autistic folks) have such a hard time avoiding being manipulated because, regardless of intelligence or needs level or whatever, we struggle with the concept that others will think in ways completely foreign to us.
For example: I *know* that my partner is colorblind. I even know which colors she struggles with. On the other hand, *I* pick up on subtle color differences that many other people seem to not notice at all. After 6 years together, I still regularly ask her "which of these colors do you prefer?" And she just looks at me like "really? They're both brownish-grey" lol
In the same way, it would never occur to me to manipulate someone to make them feel or do what I want, so it took me many, many years to recognize that behavior in others and I still struggle sometimes.
I too struggle with saying No. I sometimes feel like I'm a pushover because of guilt. I'm one of those eager to please types. I wish I could really put my foot down, but the fear of making somebody unhappy coerces me into something sus situations. I feel sometimes that I might get in trouble sometimes because I didn't want to disappoint the person.
Yep. I was just saying in another thread that we have a tendency to try to understand and be understood because the idea that someone would just willingly treat us so badly can be completely baffling.
Surely if I understood that my partner had experience with sexual assault, it would be at the front of my mind every time the subject came up so that I didn't accidentally say something off and upset them.
So the fact that they just keep making the little jokes and comments must mean that they... forgot? Didn't really get it the first time? I must not have explained it right...
It blew my mind, too, but not as much as when I learned that the *methods* of thought differ from person to person. My thoughts are an almost never-ending monologue; when I learned that some people think entirely in pictures with no words at all, I was shocked lol
My spouse visualizes words and thought that's what everyone did! I'm either monologuing or a visualizer. His way just seems so bizarre to me and he thinks mine sounds too weird. Hilarious!
My visualization sucks a bit but yeah I'm mostly monologuing to. I've heard some people don't have an internal monologue which... Is mind breaking thought
You mean to tell me some people donât have an annoying fuck in their head that never shuts up? I feel like I have my own thoughts and then a separate being that tries to talk over them. Itâs enough to drive me insane.
Very well said....I think I struggle with this as well.
I've known alot of pathological liars in my time (as well as chronic exagerators) and they are always able to go undetected for a while because it just doesn't occur to me that people would lie about random things. I don't think that what someone could be telling me with an ernest face could be a lie because I would never do that.
For me, I typically only lie when I'm trying to protect someone's feelings and I don't think they can handle brutal honesty (like if my mom asks me if I like her dress and I think it's old fashioned, I might just say: "it's nice")
Or if I'm trying to protect myself (a strange man on the sidewalk asks me my name)
I just can't fathom lying the way some people do. Sometimes it's like they just lie for fun! Wtf!
Omg this exact same thing. I have this exact problem. My partner is also colourblind and is forever âwtf do you mean??â-ing on me every time I ask which shade of blue he likes better lol
Boundaries friend, boundaries. The keepers in the world go out of their way to respect your boundaries and if they overstep, they are extremely apologetic and then they donât overstep that boundary again. The narcissists of the world CANNOT respect a boundary to save their life. They will âaccidentallyâ overstep a boundary over and over again, all while sort of apologizing or trying to make you feel bad for having the boundary in the first place. I have learned to feel pity for these people because they have a personality disorder, but I donât have to give them my time.
So when you meet someone new, before feelings of fear of abandonment can even start creeping in, put in a random boundary and see how they react. Something that maybe is unique to you. An example I have for me is a guy I met on an autism community page. He started to give me weird vibes, so I told him I was struggling right now and to wait for me to get back to him. He couldnât do it. He was extremely attention seeking, so would tell the same sob story every couple of weeks, pretending to ask for advice, but really just trying to get attention. I ended up blocking him. He didnât seem like a bad person, but he couldnât respect my boundaries. I donât care how nice you are if you donât respect my boundaries.
The metaphor I use for that is this: this woman keeps swinging her arms around wildly anytime a person gets close to them. So whenever you get close to her, she hits you. Afterwards, she apologizes, but any time you get close, even accidentally, she hits you, even if you ask her not to. She will apologize, but wonât stop swinging her arms. So do you keep trying to get close to her or do you start to avoid her? I avoid her, even if she starts to cry and complain that no one will talk to her. Even if she calls me a mean person for avoiding her and get everyone around us to think Iâm mean for avoiding her, I will keep avoiding her. I know that the people on her side just want me to be the one to get hit by her instead of themselves. They donât want to upset her by avoiding her or even asking her to stop hitting people with her swinging arms. They just want someone else to give her attention so they donât have to.
Sorry if this was too long. Good luck!
It's hard setting boundaries around these types of people. They always manage to turn it around on you. It's hard not to think it's a you problem by the way they react, but I guarantee it's a them problem. â¤ď¸
OP, PLEASE drop this friend! They are bad for you and your mental well being. Not to mention overall harmful in general. AND, loud and wrong! I have thin and fine hair too and reading this made me so mad. Wtf is this person even talking about đł
I can't stand that toxic positive "when there's a will there's a way" BS . It's very harmful to disabled people. And some things truly are genetic or unchangeable.
Amen to that! I recently dropped my last girlfriend from high school because of this shit. Bitch told me to âsuffer thenâ cuz I told her I wasnât gonna give myself giant hickeys with her stupid Chinese cups! Giving myself giant hickies is not gonna cure my endometriosis. Grrr! đĄ
Came to say the exact same thing! Toxic positivity can kiss my ass 𤣠No amount of trying hard is gonna stop my hair being thin, fine, and overall shite. I would also sell a kidney for nice hair roflmao
This is the one! I didn't know the exact term but I read the messages and was like oh this bitch is really trying to just start this argument and making up reasons to blame OP. It's bully behaviour (narcissistic behaviour) makes me mad.
I started blocking people like this a few years ago and never speaking to them again and it's been the best time of my life. Truly. We don't need these vultures.
Thank you for posting that! I have ZERO idea how this concept did NOT come up in my research about narcissism when I finally realized my ex was a covert narcissist. Iâd try to tell people how the abuse would look and just saying the words made it seem it was nothing and I was just making something outta nothing. đ¤Ż
just dropping a comment to add that whole this is a good resource, "narcissists" are just ppl too and it's not "evil disorder" like some people think, I tend to just substitute the word "abuser" or "ableist/misogynist" in because most of the time that's who it's actually referring to. really hate to see people stigmatize another disorder so much.
Wholeheartedly agree. It feels like a twofold problem for me, both deciding Narcissists are irredeemable villains (like several other personality disorders have been in the past before being normalized/romanticized) and that everyone you don't like is a Narcissist now.
That's true. Besides, real narcissists aren't even aware of their narcissism, they do harm because they don't even know how to do better to begin with. I'm not excusing abuse, but I do agree with you. You raised an important point. Abusers don't necessarily have some pathology behind them.
Alternatively, they could have traits that don't rise to the level of being a pathological disorder, but it still deeply hurts you interpersonally. And people can be normative and healthy and still not be right for you to hang around for your own well-being.
That is so disgusting I'm so sorry she said this to you, that is not how friends should treat each other. She sounds toxic and exhausting to be around, you would be doing yourself a huge favour to cut this person out of your life. I've dropped friends over less, the peace is worth it.
Your friend is not a healthy individual. I really hope you are doing okay. You shouldnât be experiencing this sort of interaction in a friendship. Itâs very messed up that she would bring that up knowing your history.
She does not respect you, at all. Whether or not she means to demean you on purpose doesnât matter, your feelings are valid and she can learn alone in silence. Let her figure out where she continually fucks up. Donât hesitate to give both barrels, maybe the similar treatment will open her eyes.
She's arguing with you for the same of arguing. That isn't someone I'd want to be around. I'd recommend looking back at your interactions with this friend and weighing if the friendship is worth a the downsides.
She is not only petty and mean, while purposefully antagonizing you, but she seems -EXHAUSTING-. Additionally, sheâs cruel to even joke about that with you as a survivor. Trashy toxic bitch. You deserve better.
literally never speak to this person again and dont even bother explaining, im so disgusted! and when their friends ask why, show them the SA âjokeâ đ
Then she is an abusive person. Either narcissistic or just plain manipulative.
When ANYONE uses your most vulnerable fragile traumas in ANY argument, no matter how big: they are being manipulative and triggering you ON PURPOSE.
I know it is hard to see it clearly when it is happening. I recommend reading more about narcissistic personality disorders because it will make this clearer for you.
I am sorry you had to have a conversation like that OP.
Right?! R*pe is an action someone chooses, hair grows out of your head the way it does. This is such a ridiculous thing for her to pick a fight about and the fact that she took it from âyou donât want to try harder to make your hair look a different wayâ to âsaying your hair is genetic is the same as saying sexual assault is geneticâ was 0 to 100 real fast. Definitely not a friend
Honestly I'm super duper convinced she's just doing it to mess with OP and make them mad, not to judge but guessing she got away with this type of behavior before. Also with other friends I'm gonna assume, and someone hasn't properly kicked her to curb over it yet. Wow, what a shit person. (the (ex?)friend)
This woman doesn't even bother veiling her insults! This interaction is truly disturbing. I'm floored..and I've dealt with some real assholes in my day. This is such a vicious person.
I'd have dropped her after the "who wants to finds a way, who doesn't finds an excuse". I have never met a single person who used it who wasn't ragingly abelist. And then to deny science? I'd be seething
Yeah, I have thin, straight hair similar to OP's. There are things I can do to add an illusion of volume, and to keep it silky and shiny, but I can't make it thicker. The follicles are small. That's just how it is. And I'm always going to be at least a little bit envious of people who have thick hair.
This is a discussion about hair, so it's kind of inherently ridiculous, but you're 100% right that it's an ableist way of thinking, because there are so many other things like that in life that we just can't change.
She's not your friend, she's just some asshole who manages to sound like an Alpha Bro Podcast without being a bald man in his 30s somehow? Gross, drop her.
Also. Sorry but is she stupid? There is a genetic component to addiction and how likely someone is to become addicted to stuff. And I'm not even touching the bizarre rape line
Good analogy. She sounds like a person who always needs to be the winner in every argument, even if nothing they say is correct. Just wants the other person to either drop it first or say she's right.
omg ikr? my dad was an alcoholic and my siblings and i all share traits of it and have to be very conscious about substances. addiction is absolutely based on genetics and i would kill to have a healthy relationship with alcohol
It doesn't even make any sense to compare behavioral characteristics to physical characteristics in her argument. It's like someone saying that they have a big nose due to genetics, and me replying that people don't become murderers because of genetics, so surely their nose can be changed by using beauty products. I just can't find the rational train of thoughts here.
Honestly this person sounds exhausting. If the whole friendship is like this I would distance myself slowly and remove them from my life. Who has the energy to deal with that kind of energy? You also donât owe an explanation to them if you donât want to continue the friendship! Good luck
Iâd be unfriending immediately. I mean, you can get a perm or possible wet set your hair, but why does she care so much? Why did it have to get to rape? Holy cow.
Anyway as far as your hair goes Iâm a cosmetologist you could do an American wave for volume. I also have thin pin straight hair and so I know exactly how you feel. I can curl it, het it professionally done or whatever and it falls in a few hours đŤ
Wet setting will keep it curled and keep that volume the longest.
Basically what old ladies do when they go get a wash at the salon and get rollers in then sit under the heat.. đ
Weird hill to die on for sure. đ¤Ś
The whole "if there is a will, there is a way" mantra can have its place, but the material reality of, say, hair structure?
What's more, her analogies are not only crass but also don't apply. Drinking or assaulting people can be complex issues, but they all have a component of acting or refraining from acting, which is where we expect people to make the right choice, broadly speaking.
Having a hair structure, a certain height, or an eye color on the other hand... đ
Yeah no she's a bitch.
Look, even if you *were* talking about being an alcoholic (addictive behaviors are often modeled by those around some children which does leave them predisposed to it), these dismissive and invalidating sayings aren't helping anything. She sounds like a drama queen (the kind that likes to start fights then blame you for overreacting) and has problems with empathy. Personally, she wouldn't be worth another second of my time and energy. I've dropped family for this kind of thing. But that's me.
You're talking about hair and stating a fact, but she's putting way more emotional weight on it than you seem to intend but isn't even aware that she's doing it. She thinks she's being "wise" but she's showing how dumb she really is because she is applying bandaids to freckles, metaphorically speaking.
The alcoholic part took me out lol. Speaking as an alcoholic, once I stopped beating myself up and desperately trying to not be an alcoholic, and realized Iâm powerless over what condition I have, the more willing I became to accept outside help and actually started to improve. By not exhausting myself obsessing over things I canât change, I now have energy to take steps that will actually improve my situation.
Kinda like the less I try to not display autistic traits and dreading and obsessing over how people perceive me, the more I have energy to just be a human being.
I feel like this hair texture thing is a great example of how trying to force and will your way into something you have no control over will only leave you frustrated and stagnant. I feel bad for this âfriendâ who is so caught up in this line of thinking. In extremes it will kill you. OP is ABSOLUTELY NTA and I hate theyâre being mistreated like that.
Drop her NOW omg I know itâs hard but people like this love having someone with autism who might not pick up on some of the manipulation they do and instead start to question themselves (I speak from experience) get out so so fast please
Youâre the green ones right? I donât see it as a full on fight but I think she is just one of those types of people that thinks that âyou can do anything you put your mind toâ and âif you think positively everything will be fine!â. Unfortunately itâs a lot to do with ableism and lack of understanding and having narrow views. My momâs husband does this also. I was talking about debilitating physical illness issues I have and he was like âyou can think yourself out of itâ and I was like no. Thatâs not how that works. Itâs like saying that a person that just lost their leg that they can make it grow back just thinking of it hard enough. đ¤Śââď¸ He didnât know how to respond to that lol.
Edit: Iâm so dumb, I thought it was only one screenshot, the next two make it MUCH worse and this person is toxic af.
Yes, I'm the green texts. I wouldn't have seen it as that serious until she brought up r*pe, I am personally a victim of that and thought she was going way too far to prove her point.
Oh my GOD, I only saw the first one Iâm so sorry, I just realized there were other pictures of text. That second one is absolutely UNHINGED. Honestly seems like an immensely toxic person all around. I would definitely not want someone like that in my life. My original idea from just the first page was reason enough to not engage with her anymore honestly. The rest makes it FOR SURE.
Iâm really sorry again I donât know how I missed it was 3 screenshots, I initially thought it was just the 1. đ You are not in the wrong in any way and she is way worse than the terrible kind of person I already thought she was.
Don't even distance, I'm telling you this person is nottttt worth your time, nor will she change! That's a bully pretending to be a friend, and you're allowed to be selfish and self protecting here. Block her for sure!
My brother is very similar to your friend. Can never be wrong and will make the worst arguments to try and prove it. Insufferable and suffocating to be around. Sorry OP, I know how draining it is to have people like that around you but you are absolutely not in the wrong here, your friend is.
Yeah, you were totally right that it was out of pocket. For real, I can't even understand what would compel her to say that vile shit. I've never even heard that from actually r*pe apologists before geez. Honestly, I would block her. Unless you think she might ne going through something that's making her say this... Even then, I can't recommend investigating further.
that person is not only rude but dumb. i cant imagine talking to someone so ignorant. your correct and you should not worry about the opinions of this person.
It sounds like maintaining this kind of friendship is a lot of work. It's not just the fact that this person is offering unasked-for advice in a needlessly argumentative way, it's that she doesn't follow a logical progression in her thought process. Leaping from hair texture to talking about SA makes no sense, which means you can't predict what wild shit she will say next. That sounds exhausting.
Definitely not, that person sounds full blown psychotic wtf. What an unhinged thing to say over something so mundane?? They could have just said "I think you have great hair" or "yeah same" or literally anything but that.
Literally what the fuck. She is INSANE. I used to have a friend like this, they thrive on starting stupid fucking arguments. They think they win even if their argument is totally stupid and youâve proven as such, because itâs more of a way to rile you up than it is to correct misinformation. They win in their heads so long as you get mad, doesnât matter how you respond.
The best way to combat it is wait until it inevitably is taken to irl interactions and to call them out on it in front of a group, and until then simply just ignore them the second you feel theyâre attempting to begin an argument. Even better, drop them as a friend, because theyâre spineless twats that get off on upsetting those theyâre meant to care about so they can feel smart and superior. They are pathetic and not worth even the tiniest grain of effort.
Time to cut that friend out of your life.... I fully support you not being her friend anymore honestly. The way she's talking to you is a serious issue. And I saw one of your other replies about how she knew you actually went through the thing your friend is making such a joke about too, you don't need that type of friend in your life OP. You deserve friends that care about and respect you.
Now I don't know how the whole friendship has been with her, but if she's like that and talks to you like that more than not, I would 100% tell her you're done being friends. Nobody who cares about or respects you speaks to you like that.
No, if anything youâre giving more patience than most people would. This seems like one of those people who is, for lack of a better word, dumb, but thinks they are smarter than you. In my opinion this is the most unbearable type of person. Second of all, you are right to question their intensity, are they okay?? They are barely making sense to say the least. If this is a pattern of behavior then I would definitely end this friendship, at least start with a serious talk about boundaries.
That person is narcissitically "high" on messing with you. I used to attract them 24 7. But I finally got so burnt out and now have literally no more energy for them. Not for the drama or the intensity or the cruelty. Read up on it and go "Grey rock" on this friend. You'll slip up, but keep practicing. Narcissistic personalities do not have empathy for real. You have a lot of empathy. Narcs don't respect uours so keep it for you. And for non narcs.
What a fucking asshole, I would block her immediately because she's being a bully, the kind of behavior that makes you stop wanting to talk to someone because everything you say can be used against you IS abusive behavior
Take care of yourself, and don't think this is not that serious
Omg she's stressing me out my stomach hurts just reading her responses
What the actual f... I hate people like this, and I'd directly tell them to their face how much I hate them.
Ever since this happened, I've been so upset. I felt silly for crying over this. Your comment makes me feel better about how upset I am about this, thank you.
oh am not upset, am MAD
I don't know how old they are but they're immature and Toxic.
I bet they're also one of those people that say bullying is ok because you need it, and say get over it to people they bullied.
Your friend is a bitch, she's completely unhinged.
Also, no one should be this invasive about your appearance, ever. Friends should prioritize your self-confidence rather than their opinion.
Cut this "person" out of your life. That is one thing that you do have power to do, it wont fix your hair but it will probably improve your mental health.
Ngl, block her and never look back.
This is not someone you want as a friend.
Telling that to an SA survivor over HAIR?
She can get unblocked in ten million years when she pulls her head out of her ass.
So many layers of wtf here. You are definitely in the right here, and comparing thin hair to being a sexual predator or an alcoholic is one of the worst arguments I've ever heard. I have thick, curly hair as a result of genetics. Wanna know what made my hair health worse? Treating it like straight hair. Your friend is an idiot for thinking you can just change your genetic makeup and hair structure. You definitely aren't overreacting
This is absolutely insane behaviour on her part. Sheâs also wrong (I, too, have very thin hair â you can see my scalp at all times lol â and thereâs really nothing that can be done about it!) & sheâs being an asshole for no reason.
Sorry but just reading this makes me hate her so much omg. These people who never take other people's problems seriously but guilt trip and blame them are the worst. It's this "depression isn't real. You just need to get up and go outside and be positive" kind of vibe I'm getting here.
No your friend is a toxic unstable bitch who can't have a regular conversation. She started that fight for the fun of fighting ? She seems awful, block her
There was nothing wrong about what you said. It was your friend's fault and clearly what she said doesn't make any sense even to me. And the whole r*** analogy is just downright low and stupid of her. Not worth the friendship having petty fights like this that don't lead anywhere. I would know too because apparently I said something wrong even though I wasn't in the wrong and the other person can't take facts to heart. That's just me being blunt and honest.
Anyways, I'm no friendship expert but clearly it's not a good idea to continue this connection.
Apparently, it's a form of dog whistling. Which is a method used by narcissists to abuse you. One of the ways they do that is by bringing up your trauma in a fight.
Why are you still friends with this person? They clearly hate you, and the rape analogy alone in a conversation about *checks notes* HAIR TYPES warrants an immediate block.
I am like you and have had many friends like this. I'm 38. One lesson I wish I would have learned sooner is that it is okay, it is right, it is good to completely BLOCK these people out of my life. Block her and never talk to her again. You don't owe her an explanation, but you do owe yourself a lot - peace of mind and therefore a functioning nervous system so you can continue living, being paramount. I used to feel so guilty and ruminate over âhurtingâ people like your âfriendâ by walking away. Don't. She will find someone else to manipulate. It took so long for me to realise that friendships should be adding to your life rather than stressing you out.
This person seemingly enjoys making you upset. Iâd drop them. People who make jokes when you are confronting their behavior are not going to change because they donât want to or because they think itâs funny. You donât deserve that.
I have thin hair too, I asked a really expensive hairdresser who wins hairdressing competitions yearly what I do wrong with my hair, and he was like : Oh... nothing I'm sorry, I will style your hair in a certain way, I will reccomend you products, or what to do and don't do with them, but that's all, this is your hair type and you simply gotta love it and learn how to care for it. I WAS SPEECHLESS ! I spend so much money to finally know what I do wrong with my hair and I was met with " Oh, this is normal, your hair is healthy, just naturally thin. ". I'm thankful because I was really stressed over my hair, but at the same time... jesus...
What a disgusting person even bringing up rape on such a "who cares" argument. Imagine wanting to win an argument and call someone lazy that you compare it to rape
Honestly I'd send screenshots of this to mutual friends but I'm also very sensitive to horrible people not being known for being horrible.
this is definitely not a friend n in no world would anyone ik act like thisđ my bsf/cousin has extremely thick long curly hair she sometimes struggles w n i just empathise cuz gals a trooper for spending hours on her hair at a time while i spend 10 mins maximum on mine
My sister has done the exact same thing to me for decades. We have finally gone no contact, only it was her who said she wanted to go no contact after I called her out for her abusive nature.
My life is so much more peaceful without her in it.
There is a singular known way to change your hair texture. It's not proven or perfectly reliable, there are no studies about it ***yet***, but it's been reported many times.
The trick is to get on chemotherapy, and lose all of your hair. After chemo, the hair that grows back can be different than the one you started with. It's wild.
Of course it is 100% not worth it.
I have a friend like this who thinks you can just âmanifestâ and willpower everything you want. You want to be a billionaire?! Make it happen, champ!! You want to grow an extra arm? Why are you whining about it instead of DOING IT?!!
Itâs so annoying.
Just world fallacy, it's an emotional response given out in order to uphold an illusion of control (cuz no control = scary), which we actually don't have on the outside world. It also gives people more respect in our culture when people uphold this, so a social politics aspect is likely also to be involved in responses like this.
Also, I too have thin/fine hair but wavy, I found out that Moroccan argan lightweight oil does help, took me 5 years of try and error, and still not perfect looks, but least better than previously.
I am struggling with loneliness in my late thirties, then I see this type of interaction and recall the hundreds of times I've awkwardly tried to disagree without blowing up a friendship when someone says something awful. Think I'll stick to my few friends, my quiet life with my kids, husband and cat.
Honestly, run. Run as far away from this person as possible. Like, sheâs not even being subtle about being an asshole.
I get the hair struggles. My hair is thick and grows quickly, and is very resistant to chemicals. I need it cut more often, and any chemical changes like dyes or perms donât last long. But I think, something that helps? Finding a style youâre comfortable with and enjoy. For me, itâs short in the back/sides with a bit of fluff on top! Kind of a fauxhawk but a bit longer so my hair is soft like a bunnyâs fur!
This person is unhinged and you donât need that in your life. If you want to stay friends with them, I recommend learning to just say âokay whateverâ because they seem like the kind of person who wonât ever back down.
Also the rape analogy is fucking gross.
Honestly the second they brought up rape as a âjokeâ I wouldâve stopped talking to them. Sometimes itâs better for your mental health to just stop replying and accept that theyâre not gonna see it from your perspective :(
So, I initially thought you were the black text boxes and was going to be like "your stars at the end of each text can come off as rude because it implies 'you messed up here, this is what it's supposed to say'".
But then I kept reading and was like "are you really this dense? You're absolutely in the wrong. How is this person still friends with you?"
Finally, I noticed at some point that I mixed up the sender/receiver. You were absolutely right to be mad at this person. I bet this person is a girl that's like "I'm just trying to tell you the truth. Don't hate me just because I'm honest/blunt!"
Wow, that is some toxic, mentally unwell shit right there. You donât need that in your life.
Also, I have that hair type too. You are correct. Itâs like Iâm a vampire or something. No matter what I do to it, it just goes right back the way it was. Most hair products just make it greasy and more flat, and even the ones that help donât do much. The only way to curl it for more than a few minutes or give it volume is to wear fake hair pieces in it, and even thatâs a pain because itâs so soft and thin that they slide right out if anything bumps my head. And yes, it runs in my family. Itâs genetic.
This is so similar to a friend I had last year. I stopped talking to her and did not regret it or miss her at all. I think itâs totally valid to stop being their friend. That behavior is wild and not something you deserve to experience.
I meanâŚwTF she tryna say ?? Alcoholism can be caused by genetics, if your parent or other was one or predisposition to addiction issues.
Just ignore them they being dumb as hell
Also the rape thing is so uncalled for. I see in another comment you said youâre a survivor, and Iâm so sorry that happened to you and that someone is using it to try to get a rise. I had an a few ex friends that used personal attacks about my momâs emotional abuse saying I was acting like I was âhigh school mentalityâ because I lied to her when I called in to a job I hated. People like that suck and are not your friends. I personally would block them on everything
She was 100% being a bitch here as you called out.
Her counter points were just stupid. Like, besides the Rape analogy she used, the other things are also just, Ugh.
Was she trying to get you to use a specific brand or something???? My brain is jumping to hard sell tactics for some hair care MLM where she gets commission.
But it likely isn't going off the convo here.
Idk. Her words are confusing. Especially over hair stuff.
I will mention there are great Wigs out there to get the texture you want if you really to. Just, it's not an option for everyone.
This person is a bitch who knows absolutely nothing about hair. It's not something you can control. And comparing it to rape is freaking insane. Absolutely bonkers behavior. Disgusting.
My hair texture is basically if a [chia pet](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&sca_esv=78007b2132e03760&sxsrf=ACQVn09lb-ctxdY3lNqjw7xL8hB6MMqZtw:1710950477821&q=chia+pet&uds=AMwkrPusbb-zUUJ7hx4TQfHQg5VBrjBDIs2My5vunlKb6zY1_VPpD-kYro-CQE4fDOqCw7wMZcvdszgGUXmqL-b0wotTODj5_3pFSULgZnjYioVEzrWjhZa4rwZ3go06RyGd3x_WHlfYjsl0BC2M9jKxeapLBn14akP8bnniqcA-KD7A7ydpAg8DYNXPDI-kToRGw6KsFb-HzOf8VURBKeUiKnA-AscjOVyFXZ0dT5HXj3kzFrtCgelZozF-UzK_0BgHOod3STzL0qL8cpKg1n989rZ2tPyJ055X4j0mgPLbWITH_KHjPlc&udm=2&prmd=ivnmbtz&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiJttWbm4OFAxWLLEQIHStxDA4QtKgLegQIDRAB&biw=384&bih=700&dpr=2.81) became a human. My hair grows straight up and out in all directions and it's curly as all fuck. I have tried for a quarter of a century to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do about my hair, and 3 years ago I just gave up and buzzed it all off.
The person you're texting is a moron. Block them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. \*hugs\* if you like hugs, if not then \*air hugs\*
What the actual fuck is her problem. It sure as shit has nothing to do with your hair.
Either a major case of projecting going on and sheâs frustrated and need to make changes and see everythingâs possible - not impossible like changing your dna. And you represent friction in her imaginary path to success.
OR you have been disagreeing or naysaying about other stuff that can change and sheâs doubling down on her annoyance. As I do have a mate who has a reason for everything and it can make me a bit short.
BUT nothing at all like her shitty attitude. Iâd just question with her what the bigger issue is here, and stop splitting hairs over specifics. If she isnât getting anything out of the friendship and taking her frustrations out on you, just say and part ways.
Your friend is a jerk with that âexcuseâ BS, but there are actually events which will change your hair texture. Almost everyone I know who had cancer treatments that cause you to lose your hair had it grow back completely different. Iâve also heard anecdotes about pregnancy changing peoplesâ hair too. I know my own hair changed during puberty, but that couldâve been genetic because I have that type of blonde hair that darkens with age so it couldâve been something that is associated with that process. Either way these are all things that happen to people as a result of something else, not something done intentionally to permanently change hair texture.
I hate people who throw around BS about âexcusesâ especially about something that is both trivial and completely out of your control.
Top comment already answered what I think so I'm just gonna add something else:
As someone with medium curly hair that is UNTAMEABLE. I wanted straight hair for such a long time. I would wake up with basically straight hair on one side and a curl ball on the other, and nothing I did would help. Most of the time the hair on top is very curly but the under hair is straight.
There are even some haircuts that I think are super cool but I just can't get because I don't have straight hair.
It's one of those; "on the other side of the hill" type of things.
Embrace your hair babe, I think it's super beautiful <3
Wow! A r*pe analogy for hair. This is NOT a friend.
The worst part is that she's fully aware that I'm a survivor of that.
Absolutely kick her to the curb. That's so messed up. Also the passive aggressive "đ" emoji is just bitchy behaviour.
Oh, I felt that one so hard I almost got back into the habit of nail biting right on the spot XD that just absolutely send me
This is called âdog whistlingâ itâs a narcissistic behavior. We are very susceptible to these types of people. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2023/02/how-narcissists-use-dog-whistling-to-covertly-abuse-you-signs-youre-experiencing-this-dangerous-manipulation-method/
Thank you for this. Reading it has made me realize a lot more people have done this to me than I realize. I'm a magnet for narcasstic people, unfortunately. I have always thought it was because I was one myself and was so deeply upset by that. I told this to my therapist, and she said that narcissists don't worry about being narcissists. The reason I attract them is because of my autism.
My therapist told me that we (autistic folks) have such a hard time avoiding being manipulated because, regardless of intelligence or needs level or whatever, we struggle with the concept that others will think in ways completely foreign to us. For example: I *know* that my partner is colorblind. I even know which colors she struggles with. On the other hand, *I* pick up on subtle color differences that many other people seem to not notice at all. After 6 years together, I still regularly ask her "which of these colors do you prefer?" And she just looks at me like "really? They're both brownish-grey" lol In the same way, it would never occur to me to manipulate someone to make them feel or do what I want, so it took me many, many years to recognize that behavior in others and I still struggle sometimes.
I too struggle with saying No. I sometimes feel like I'm a pushover because of guilt. I'm one of those eager to please types. I wish I could really put my foot down, but the fear of making somebody unhappy coerces me into something sus situations. I feel sometimes that I might get in trouble sometimes because I didn't want to disappoint the person.
I have been there, my friend. Itâs hard and this is pretty much why I just donât attempt to make new friends anymore.
Ever since highschool, I've became a recluse, because of that one reason
Yep. I was just saying in another thread that we have a tendency to try to understand and be understood because the idea that someone would just willingly treat us so badly can be completely baffling. Surely if I understood that my partner had experience with sexual assault, it would be at the front of my mind every time the subject came up so that I didn't accidentally say something off and upset them. So the fact that they just keep making the little jokes and comments must mean that they... forgot? Didn't really get it the first time? I must not have explained it right...
These comments are blowing my mind rn
It blew my mind, too, but not as much as when I learned that the *methods* of thought differ from person to person. My thoughts are an almost never-ending monologue; when I learned that some people think entirely in pictures with no words at all, I was shocked lol
My spouse visualizes words and thought that's what everyone did! I'm either monologuing or a visualizer. His way just seems so bizarre to me and he thinks mine sounds too weird. Hilarious!
My visualization sucks a bit but yeah I'm mostly monologuing to. I've heard some people don't have an internal monologue which... Is mind breaking thought
You mean to tell me some people donât have an annoying fuck in their head that never shuts up? I feel like I have my own thoughts and then a separate being that tries to talk over them. Itâs enough to drive me insane.
Wut. This is news to me. I actually cannot wrap my mind around the concept of only thinking in pictures.
I really struggle with this, especially with liars, I just don't understand it.
Very well said....I think I struggle with this as well. I've known alot of pathological liars in my time (as well as chronic exagerators) and they are always able to go undetected for a while because it just doesn't occur to me that people would lie about random things. I don't think that what someone could be telling me with an ernest face could be a lie because I would never do that. For me, I typically only lie when I'm trying to protect someone's feelings and I don't think they can handle brutal honesty (like if my mom asks me if I like her dress and I think it's old fashioned, I might just say: "it's nice") Or if I'm trying to protect myself (a strange man on the sidewalk asks me my name) I just can't fathom lying the way some people do. Sometimes it's like they just lie for fun! Wtf!
Omg this exact same thing. I have this exact problem. My partner is also colourblind and is forever âwtf do you mean??â-ing on me every time I ask which shade of blue he likes better lol
OP you need to drop this friend, theyâre an AH.
This sub has been so healing. Makes the future seem possible for once.
Boundaries friend, boundaries. The keepers in the world go out of their way to respect your boundaries and if they overstep, they are extremely apologetic and then they donât overstep that boundary again. The narcissists of the world CANNOT respect a boundary to save their life. They will âaccidentallyâ overstep a boundary over and over again, all while sort of apologizing or trying to make you feel bad for having the boundary in the first place. I have learned to feel pity for these people because they have a personality disorder, but I donât have to give them my time. So when you meet someone new, before feelings of fear of abandonment can even start creeping in, put in a random boundary and see how they react. Something that maybe is unique to you. An example I have for me is a guy I met on an autism community page. He started to give me weird vibes, so I told him I was struggling right now and to wait for me to get back to him. He couldnât do it. He was extremely attention seeking, so would tell the same sob story every couple of weeks, pretending to ask for advice, but really just trying to get attention. I ended up blocking him. He didnât seem like a bad person, but he couldnât respect my boundaries. I donât care how nice you are if you donât respect my boundaries. The metaphor I use for that is this: this woman keeps swinging her arms around wildly anytime a person gets close to them. So whenever you get close to her, she hits you. Afterwards, she apologizes, but any time you get close, even accidentally, she hits you, even if you ask her not to. She will apologize, but wonât stop swinging her arms. So do you keep trying to get close to her or do you start to avoid her? I avoid her, even if she starts to cry and complain that no one will talk to her. Even if she calls me a mean person for avoiding her and get everyone around us to think Iâm mean for avoiding her, I will keep avoiding her. I know that the people on her side just want me to be the one to get hit by her instead of themselves. They donât want to upset her by avoiding her or even asking her to stop hitting people with her swinging arms. They just want someone else to give her attention so they donât have to. Sorry if this was too long. Good luck!
Dude, this was the perfect analogy.
Thank you for this. I feel narcissistic when I set boundaries and end relationships all the time.
It's hard setting boundaries around these types of people. They always manage to turn it around on you. It's hard not to think it's a you problem by the way they react, but I guarantee it's a them problem. â¤ď¸
Omg I can relate so hard rn. But what the fuck is a blixem?
In this context, it means abuse. *Bliksem can mean a lot of things, though. It's a South African term.
Thank you! đ
I read that narcissists and manipulative people go to everyone. We don't attract them but instead are just bad at cutting them off.Â
Wow, needed to hear that.
She's bad in my opinion. I got a flashback from reading this. Very close to a panic attack.
This comment should be the highest. Great resource. Please read this, OP! u/heyadoraX (Amazing username btw!)
Thank you! I have read it and agree 100%. This reply should be pinned.
OP, PLEASE drop this friend! They are bad for you and your mental well being. Not to mention overall harmful in general. AND, loud and wrong! I have thin and fine hair too and reading this made me so mad. Wtf is this person even talking about đł I can't stand that toxic positive "when there's a will there's a way" BS . It's very harmful to disabled people. And some things truly are genetic or unchangeable.
Amen to that! I recently dropped my last girlfriend from high school because of this shit. Bitch told me to âsuffer thenâ cuz I told her I wasnât gonna give myself giant hickeys with her stupid Chinese cups! Giving myself giant hickies is not gonna cure my endometriosis. Grrr! đĄ
Came to say the exact same thing! Toxic positivity can kiss my ass 𤣠No amount of trying hard is gonna stop my hair being thin, fine, and overall shite. I would also sell a kidney for nice hair roflmao
This is the one! I didn't know the exact term but I read the messages and was like oh this bitch is really trying to just start this argument and making up reasons to blame OP. It's bully behaviour (narcissistic behaviour) makes me mad. I started blocking people like this a few years ago and never speaking to them again and it's been the best time of my life. Truly. We don't need these vultures.
Thank you for posting that! I have ZERO idea how this concept did NOT come up in my research about narcissism when I finally realized my ex was a covert narcissist. Iâd try to tell people how the abuse would look and just saying the words made it seem it was nothing and I was just making something outta nothing. đ¤Ż
This explains a lot of things, especially family related stuff growing up and what felt like mental torture, thanks for posting
just dropping a comment to add that whole this is a good resource, "narcissists" are just ppl too and it's not "evil disorder" like some people think, I tend to just substitute the word "abuser" or "ableist/misogynist" in because most of the time that's who it's actually referring to. really hate to see people stigmatize another disorder so much.
Wholeheartedly agree. It feels like a twofold problem for me, both deciding Narcissists are irredeemable villains (like several other personality disorders have been in the past before being normalized/romanticized) and that everyone you don't like is a Narcissist now.
That's true. Besides, real narcissists aren't even aware of their narcissism, they do harm because they don't even know how to do better to begin with. I'm not excusing abuse, but I do agree with you. You raised an important point. Abusers don't necessarily have some pathology behind them.
Alternatively, they could have traits that don't rise to the level of being a pathological disorder, but it still deeply hurts you interpersonally. And people can be normative and healthy and still not be right for you to hang around for your own well-being.
What the actual faaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkk! These are the kind of people I would punch right in the face!
That is so disgusting I'm so sorry she said this to you, that is not how friends should treat each other. She sounds toxic and exhausting to be around, you would be doing yourself a huge favour to cut this person out of your life. I've dropped friends over less, the peace is worth it.
Your friend is not a healthy individual. I really hope you are doing okay. You shouldnât be experiencing this sort of interaction in a friendship. Itâs very messed up that she would bring that up knowing your history.
She does not respect you, at all. Whether or not she means to demean you on purpose doesnât matter, your feelings are valid and she can learn alone in silence. Let her figure out where she continually fucks up. Donât hesitate to give both barrels, maybe the similar treatment will open her eyes.
What the fuck you deserve a better friend.
She's arguing with you for the same of arguing. That isn't someone I'd want to be around. I'd recommend looking back at your interactions with this friend and weighing if the friendship is worth a the downsides.
She is not only petty and mean, while purposefully antagonizing you, but she seems -EXHAUSTING-. Additionally, sheâs cruel to even joke about that with you as a survivor. Trashy toxic bitch. You deserve better.
literally never speak to this person again and dont even bother explaining, im so disgusted! and when their friends ask why, show them the SA âjokeâ đ
Drop her ass, no contact, NOW. this person is an obvious narcissist and doesn't give a shit about you.
Then she is an abusive person. Either narcissistic or just plain manipulative. When ANYONE uses your most vulnerable fragile traumas in ANY argument, no matter how big: they are being manipulative and triggering you ON PURPOSE. I know it is hard to see it clearly when it is happening. I recommend reading more about narcissistic personality disorders because it will make this clearer for you. I am sorry you had to have a conversation like that OP.
Right?! R*pe is an action someone chooses, hair grows out of your head the way it does. This is such a ridiculous thing for her to pick a fight about and the fact that she took it from âyou donât want to try harder to make your hair look a different wayâ to âsaying your hair is genetic is the same as saying sexual assault is geneticâ was 0 to 100 real fast. Definitely not a friend
Honestly I'm super duper convinced she's just doing it to mess with OP and make them mad, not to judge but guessing she got away with this type of behavior before. Also with other friends I'm gonna assume, and someone hasn't properly kicked her to curb over it yet. Wow, what a shit person. (the (ex?)friend)
End it now that's toxic af. I had a "friend" like that once, thinly veiled insults masquerading as advice. You don't need that in your life.
This woman doesn't even bother veiling her insults! This interaction is truly disturbing. I'm floored..and I've dealt with some real assholes in my day. This is such a vicious person.
OP youll be much better off without this stress in your life. that kind of negativity is pointless
I'd have dropped her after the "who wants to finds a way, who doesn't finds an excuse". I have never met a single person who used it who wasn't ragingly abelist. And then to deny science? I'd be seething
Yep. This is so subjective. Everything can be viewed as an excuse if your empathy is low enough.
If I could upvote this more I would. Itâs so true.
Yeah, I have thin, straight hair similar to OP's. There are things I can do to add an illusion of volume, and to keep it silky and shiny, but I can't make it thicker. The follicles are small. That's just how it is. And I'm always going to be at least a little bit envious of people who have thick hair. This is a discussion about hair, so it's kind of inherently ridiculous, but you're 100% right that it's an ableist way of thinking, because there are so many other things like that in life that we just can't change.
This
She's not your friend, she's just some asshole who manages to sound like an Alpha Bro Podcast without being a bald man in his 30s somehow? Gross, drop her. Also. Sorry but is she stupid? There is a genetic component to addiction and how likely someone is to become addicted to stuff. And I'm not even touching the bizarre rape line
Good analogy. She sounds like a person who always needs to be the winner in every argument, even if nothing they say is correct. Just wants the other person to either drop it first or say she's right.
omg ikr? my dad was an alcoholic and my siblings and i all share traits of it and have to be very conscious about substances. addiction is absolutely based on genetics and i would kill to have a healthy relationship with alcohol
> i would kill to have a healthy relationship with alcohol 1.) Healthy eating 2.) Good drinking habits
Just in case: that was a joke by trying to imitate the OP's so-called "friend"
This person sounds both stupid and mean So you nailed it, alpha bro podcaster to a T
100% agree
Yes she is stupid, ignorant, and mean
it seems the one you are talking to is kind of stupid. "R\*\*\*\* because genetics" is such a stupid and out of pocket argument.
It doesn't even make any sense to compare behavioral characteristics to physical characteristics in her argument. It's like someone saying that they have a big nose due to genetics, and me replying that people don't become murderers because of genetics, so surely their nose can be changed by using beauty products. I just can't find the rational train of thoughts here.
Honestly this person sounds exhausting. If the whole friendship is like this I would distance myself slowly and remove them from my life. Who has the energy to deal with that kind of energy? You also donât owe an explanation to them if you donât want to continue the friendship! Good luck
Literally do not speak to this person again. They're unbelievably rude and not listening to you at all. U did nothing wrong at all.
okay comparing hair to fucking rape is insane?? this person seems so frustrating to talk to omg
Iâd be unfriending immediately. I mean, you can get a perm or possible wet set your hair, but why does she care so much? Why did it have to get to rape? Holy cow. Anyway as far as your hair goes Iâm a cosmetologist you could do an American wave for volume. I also have thin pin straight hair and so I know exactly how you feel. I can curl it, het it professionally done or whatever and it falls in a few hours đŤ Wet setting will keep it curled and keep that volume the longest. Basically what old ladies do when they go get a wash at the salon and get rollers in then sit under the heat.. đ
Ha ha exactly, why does she care so much? I was joking to begin with, I have no idea why this argument had to start.
Weird hill to die on for sure. 𤌠The whole "if there is a will, there is a way" mantra can have its place, but the material reality of, say, hair structure? What's more, her analogies are not only crass but also don't apply. Drinking or assaulting people can be complex issues, but they all have a component of acting or refraining from acting, which is where we expect people to make the right choice, broadly speaking. Having a hair structure, a certain height, or an eye color on the other hand... đ
It seems she is just trying to being you down.. this isnât a good friend..
It genuinely sounds like she enjoys being terrible to you.
Yeah no she's a bitch. Look, even if you *were* talking about being an alcoholic (addictive behaviors are often modeled by those around some children which does leave them predisposed to it), these dismissive and invalidating sayings aren't helping anything. She sounds like a drama queen (the kind that likes to start fights then blame you for overreacting) and has problems with empathy. Personally, she wouldn't be worth another second of my time and energy. I've dropped family for this kind of thing. But that's me. You're talking about hair and stating a fact, but she's putting way more emotional weight on it than you seem to intend but isn't even aware that she's doing it. She thinks she's being "wise" but she's showing how dumb she really is because she is applying bandaids to freckles, metaphorically speaking.
The alcoholic part took me out lol. Speaking as an alcoholic, once I stopped beating myself up and desperately trying to not be an alcoholic, and realized Iâm powerless over what condition I have, the more willing I became to accept outside help and actually started to improve. By not exhausting myself obsessing over things I canât change, I now have energy to take steps that will actually improve my situation. Kinda like the less I try to not display autistic traits and dreading and obsessing over how people perceive me, the more I have energy to just be a human being. I feel like this hair texture thing is a great example of how trying to force and will your way into something you have no control over will only leave you frustrated and stagnant. I feel bad for this âfriendâ who is so caught up in this line of thinking. In extremes it will kill you. OP is ABSOLUTELY NTA and I hate theyâre being mistreated like that.
This is not your friend. Who talks to friends like that? NOPE. EXIT.
No. The other person is being completely irrational, youâre fine. Sorry this happened to you.
Drop her NOW omg I know itâs hard but people like this love having someone with autism who might not pick up on some of the manipulation they do and instead start to question themselves (I speak from experience) get out so so fast please
You're so right. This is exactly what she's doing because I ignore so much of her attempts to start a fight.
Youâre the green ones right? I donât see it as a full on fight but I think she is just one of those types of people that thinks that âyou can do anything you put your mind toâ and âif you think positively everything will be fine!â. Unfortunately itâs a lot to do with ableism and lack of understanding and having narrow views. My momâs husband does this also. I was talking about debilitating physical illness issues I have and he was like âyou can think yourself out of itâ and I was like no. Thatâs not how that works. Itâs like saying that a person that just lost their leg that they can make it grow back just thinking of it hard enough. đ¤Śââď¸ He didnât know how to respond to that lol. Edit: Iâm so dumb, I thought it was only one screenshot, the next two make it MUCH worse and this person is toxic af.
Yes, I'm the green texts. I wouldn't have seen it as that serious until she brought up r*pe, I am personally a victim of that and thought she was going way too far to prove her point.
Oh my GOD, I only saw the first one Iâm so sorry, I just realized there were other pictures of text. That second one is absolutely UNHINGED. Honestly seems like an immensely toxic person all around. I would definitely not want someone like that in my life. My original idea from just the first page was reason enough to not engage with her anymore honestly. The rest makes it FOR SURE.
Iâm really sorry again I donât know how I missed it was 3 screenshots, I initially thought it was just the 1. đ You are not in the wrong in any way and she is way worse than the terrible kind of person I already thought she was.
It's okay, no stress. She is socially exhausting, and I'm taking everyone's advice and distancing myself from her.
Don't even distance, I'm telling you this person is nottttt worth your time, nor will she change! That's a bully pretending to be a friend, and you're allowed to be selfish and self protecting here. Block her for sure!
I hope you exit this friendship IMMEDIATELY. She is seriously awful.
My brother is very similar to your friend. Can never be wrong and will make the worst arguments to try and prove it. Insufferable and suffocating to be around. Sorry OP, I know how draining it is to have people like that around you but you are absolutely not in the wrong here, your friend is.
Thatâs absolutely horrible. You donât deserve that.
Yeah, you were totally right that it was out of pocket. For real, I can't even understand what would compel her to say that vile shit. I've never even heard that from actually r*pe apologists before geez. Honestly, I would block her. Unless you think she might ne going through something that's making her say this... Even then, I can't recommend investigating further.
that person is not only rude but dumb. i cant imagine talking to someone so ignorant. your correct and you should not worry about the opinions of this person.
Your 'friend' is either daft or intentionally starting arguments with you. I'd drop her personally.
It sounds like maintaining this kind of friendship is a lot of work. It's not just the fact that this person is offering unasked-for advice in a needlessly argumentative way, it's that she doesn't follow a logical progression in her thought process. Leaping from hair texture to talking about SA makes no sense, which means you can't predict what wild shit she will say next. That sounds exhausting.
Definitely not, that person sounds full blown psychotic wtf. What an unhinged thing to say over something so mundane?? They could have just said "I think you have great hair" or "yeah same" or literally anything but that.
She sounds like a twat. Wouldnât continue to fuck with her, reallly.
I don't think that's a friend.
Iâm what the fuck Iâm sorry you had to deal with that op. Drop that bitch like a burning hot plate
Literally what the fuck. She is INSANE. I used to have a friend like this, they thrive on starting stupid fucking arguments. They think they win even if their argument is totally stupid and youâve proven as such, because itâs more of a way to rile you up than it is to correct misinformation. They win in their heads so long as you get mad, doesnât matter how you respond. The best way to combat it is wait until it inevitably is taken to irl interactions and to call them out on it in front of a group, and until then simply just ignore them the second you feel theyâre attempting to begin an argument. Even better, drop them as a friend, because theyâre spineless twats that get off on upsetting those theyâre meant to care about so they can feel smart and superior. They are pathetic and not worth even the tiniest grain of effort.
Your 'friend' seems like a judgemental, verbally aggressive person based on this exchange!Â
Time to cut that friend out of your life.... I fully support you not being her friend anymore honestly. The way she's talking to you is a serious issue. And I saw one of your other replies about how she knew you actually went through the thing your friend is making such a joke about too, you don't need that type of friend in your life OP. You deserve friends that care about and respect you. Now I don't know how the whole friendship has been with her, but if she's like that and talks to you like that more than not, I would 100% tell her you're done being friends. Nobody who cares about or respects you speaks to you like that.
No based off this convo sheâs crazy
No, if anything youâre giving more patience than most people would. This seems like one of those people who is, for lack of a better word, dumb, but thinks they are smarter than you. In my opinion this is the most unbearable type of person. Second of all, you are right to question their intensity, are they okay?? They are barely making sense to say the least. If this is a pattern of behavior then I would definitely end this friendship, at least start with a serious talk about boundaries.
Is she ok??? Wtf
Block em 100%, fuck that
That person is narcissitically "high" on messing with you. I used to attract them 24 7. But I finally got so burnt out and now have literally no more energy for them. Not for the drama or the intensity or the cruelty. Read up on it and go "Grey rock" on this friend. You'll slip up, but keep practicing. Narcissistic personalities do not have empathy for real. You have a lot of empathy. Narcs don't respect uours so keep it for you. And for non narcs.
What a fucking asshole, I would block her immediately because she's being a bully, the kind of behavior that makes you stop wanting to talk to someone because everything you say can be used against you IS abusive behavior Take care of yourself, and don't think this is not that serious
She's a fucking freak. Not a friend worth having.
One person in this conversation is a problem and itâs not you.
Who the fuck is that? They sound absolutely horrible
This person is unnecessarily combatitive and condescending
Omg she's stressing me out my stomach hurts just reading her responses What the actual f... I hate people like this, and I'd directly tell them to their face how much I hate them.
Ever since this happened, I've been so upset. I felt silly for crying over this. Your comment makes me feel better about how upset I am about this, thank you.
oh am not upset, am MAD I don't know how old they are but they're immature and Toxic. I bet they're also one of those people that say bullying is ok because you need it, and say get over it to people they bullied.
Your friend is a bitch, she's completely unhinged. Also, no one should be this invasive about your appearance, ever. Friends should prioritize your self-confidence rather than their opinion.
Cut this "person" out of your life. That is one thing that you do have power to do, it wont fix your hair but it will probably improve your mental health.
No, thereâs something wrong w your friend
Ngl, block her and never look back. This is not someone you want as a friend. Telling that to an SA survivor over HAIR? She can get unblocked in ten million years when she pulls her head out of her ass.
This person is a fucking idiot and not a friend to you.
Username checks out, ha ha. But in all seriousness, you are correct.
You can't argue with stupid people. Next! Move on! Don't waste your energy on convincing people who are not interested in seeking the truth.
So many layers of wtf here. You are definitely in the right here, and comparing thin hair to being a sexual predator or an alcoholic is one of the worst arguments I've ever heard. I have thick, curly hair as a result of genetics. Wanna know what made my hair health worse? Treating it like straight hair. Your friend is an idiot for thinking you can just change your genetic makeup and hair structure. You definitely aren't overreacting
I'm sorry, but she is a massive red flag đŠđŠđŠ
Your friend is a bitch.
I wouldn't even seek contact. Block, delete and good riddance. This is not even in the slightest a friend.
This is absolutely insane behaviour on her part. Sheâs also wrong (I, too, have very thin hair â you can see my scalp at all times lol â and thereâs really nothing that can be done about it!) & sheâs being an asshole for no reason.
Sorry but just reading this makes me hate her so much omg. These people who never take other people's problems seriously but guilt trip and blame them are the worst. It's this "depression isn't real. You just need to get up and go outside and be positive" kind of vibe I'm getting here.
Pls block this person
This person is absolutely insane. For your own peace of mind, please drop them. They need professional help.
No your friend is a toxic unstable bitch who can't have a regular conversation. She started that fight for the fun of fighting ? She seems awful, block her
You did nothing wrong, she's an idiot.
i would've blocked her a long time ago
There was nothing wrong about what you said. It was your friend's fault and clearly what she said doesn't make any sense even to me. And the whole r*** analogy is just downright low and stupid of her. Not worth the friendship having petty fights like this that don't lead anywhere. I would know too because apparently I said something wrong even though I wasn't in the wrong and the other person can't take facts to heart. That's just me being blunt and honest. Anyways, I'm no friendship expert but clearly it's not a good idea to continue this connection.
THAT person is "rediculous," not you. They are not a friend.
oh this âfriendshipâ must be so draining. drop them immediately
who just casually adds r@pe to a conversation about hair type, weird asf
Apparently, it's a form of dog whistling. Which is a method used by narcissists to abuse you. One of the ways they do that is by bringing up your trauma in a fight.
Why are you still friends with this person? They clearly hate you, and the rape analogy alone in a conversation about *checks notes* HAIR TYPES warrants an immediate block.
This is not your friend. Sheâs annoying and rude.
I am like you and have had many friends like this. I'm 38. One lesson I wish I would have learned sooner is that it is okay, it is right, it is good to completely BLOCK these people out of my life. Block her and never talk to her again. You don't owe her an explanation, but you do owe yourself a lot - peace of mind and therefore a functioning nervous system so you can continue living, being paramount. I used to feel so guilty and ruminate over âhurtingâ people like your âfriendâ by walking away. Don't. She will find someone else to manipulate. It took so long for me to realise that friendships should be adding to your life rather than stressing you out.
This person seemingly enjoys making you upset. Iâd drop them. People who make jokes when you are confronting their behavior are not going to change because they donât want to or because they think itâs funny. You donât deserve that.
Alcoholism does run in families and has a genetic componentâŚ
I have thin hair too, I asked a really expensive hairdresser who wins hairdressing competitions yearly what I do wrong with my hair, and he was like : Oh... nothing I'm sorry, I will style your hair in a certain way, I will reccomend you products, or what to do and don't do with them, but that's all, this is your hair type and you simply gotta love it and learn how to care for it. I WAS SPEECHLESS ! I spend so much money to finally know what I do wrong with my hair and I was met with " Oh, this is normal, your hair is healthy, just naturally thin. ". I'm thankful because I was really stressed over my hair, but at the same time... jesus...
Cut this sociopathic abuser out of your life immediately is my advice.
Drop her as a friend. The rpe analogy was not it.
What a disgusting person even bringing up rape on such a "who cares" argument. Imagine wanting to win an argument and call someone lazy that you compare it to rape Honestly I'd send screenshots of this to mutual friends but I'm also very sensitive to horrible people not being known for being horrible.
They could have made a point about ideas to improve hair texture without bringing up rape, Jesus lol
All I can say đŠđŠ
this is definitely not a friend n in no world would anyone ik act like thisđ my bsf/cousin has extremely thick long curly hair she sometimes struggles w n i just empathise cuz gals a trooper for spending hours on her hair at a time while i spend 10 mins maximum on mine
How is that person your friend the way they talk to you?? O.o they are completely out of line wtf.
This girl is a fucking moron
Absolutely not. This person is manipulative and unhinged from reality. Sheâs gaslighting you. If this is a repeating pattern, Iâd leave.
One you're not wrong. I'm a retired stylist. Two your "friend" is a frienemy.
My sister has done the exact same thing to me for decades. We have finally gone no contact, only it was her who said she wanted to go no contact after I called her out for her abusive nature. My life is so much more peaceful without her in it.
This person is insanely toxic. Wow.
By her logic, if she wanted to not be a bitch she wouldnât be one. This is an insane level of escalation.
There is a singular known way to change your hair texture. It's not proven or perfectly reliable, there are no studies about it ***yet***, but it's been reported many times. The trick is to get on chemotherapy, and lose all of your hair. After chemo, the hair that grows back can be different than the one you started with. It's wild. Of course it is 100% not worth it.
I have a friend like this who thinks you can just âmanifestâ and willpower everything you want. You want to be a billionaire?! Make it happen, champ!! You want to grow an extra arm? Why are you whining about it instead of DOING IT?!! Itâs so annoying.
This person is not a good person.
Just world fallacy, it's an emotional response given out in order to uphold an illusion of control (cuz no control = scary), which we actually don't have on the outside world. It also gives people more respect in our culture when people uphold this, so a social politics aspect is likely also to be involved in responses like this. Also, I too have thin/fine hair but wavy, I found out that Moroccan argan lightweight oil does help, took me 5 years of try and error, and still not perfect looks, but least better than previously.
I am struggling with loneliness in my late thirties, then I see this type of interaction and recall the hundreds of times I've awkwardly tried to disagree without blowing up a friendship when someone says something awful. Think I'll stick to my few friends, my quiet life with my kids, husband and cat.
Holyyyyy cow, I would have lost it. You are 100% in the right, in my opinion. Bootstrapping ideology is my pet peeve.
Honestly, run. Run as far away from this person as possible. Like, sheâs not even being subtle about being an asshole. I get the hair struggles. My hair is thick and grows quickly, and is very resistant to chemicals. I need it cut more often, and any chemical changes like dyes or perms donât last long. But I think, something that helps? Finding a style youâre comfortable with and enjoy. For me, itâs short in the back/sides with a bit of fluff on top! Kind of a fauxhawk but a bit longer so my hair is soft like a bunnyâs fur!
This person is unhinged and you donât need that in your life. If you want to stay friends with them, I recommend learning to just say âokay whateverâ because they seem like the kind of person who wonât ever back down. Also the rape analogy is fucking gross.
Honestly the second they brought up rape as a âjokeâ I wouldâve stopped talking to them. Sometimes itâs better for your mental health to just stop replying and accept that theyâre not gonna see it from your perspective :(
âď¸ her off. This is disgusting
So, I initially thought you were the black text boxes and was going to be like "your stars at the end of each text can come off as rude because it implies 'you messed up here, this is what it's supposed to say'". But then I kept reading and was like "are you really this dense? You're absolutely in the wrong. How is this person still friends with you?" Finally, I noticed at some point that I mixed up the sender/receiver. You were absolutely right to be mad at this person. I bet this person is a girl that's like "I'm just trying to tell you the truth. Don't hate me just because I'm honest/blunt!"
Drop her. I know it seems a little petty, but if this has happened more than once, i think you should. This is unnecessary stress for you.
Ja no. Los die ding. YOH. People like this are miserable sorry you've had to deal with this OPâ¤ď¸
Nope youâre right but this person likes getting under your skin I think. If you can leave them alone I would suggest you do.
Wow, that is some toxic, mentally unwell shit right there. You donât need that in your life. Also, I have that hair type too. You are correct. Itâs like Iâm a vampire or something. No matter what I do to it, it just goes right back the way it was. Most hair products just make it greasy and more flat, and even the ones that help donât do much. The only way to curl it for more than a few minutes or give it volume is to wear fake hair pieces in it, and even thatâs a pain because itâs so soft and thin that they slide right out if anything bumps my head. And yes, it runs in my family. Itâs genetic.
Thatâs not an excuse you were just explaining giving her more context
The worst part about being neurodivergent is where we just give more explanation people think weâre making excuses or arguing
There's a saying which goes "better alone than in bad company". Take this as advice from me.
This is so similar to a friend I had last year. I stopped talking to her and did not regret it or miss her at all. I think itâs totally valid to stop being their friend. That behavior is wild and not something you deserve to experience.
I meanâŚwTF she tryna say ?? Alcoholism can be caused by genetics, if your parent or other was one or predisposition to addiction issues. Just ignore them they being dumb as hell
Also the rape thing is so uncalled for. I see in another comment you said youâre a survivor, and Iâm so sorry that happened to you and that someone is using it to try to get a rise. I had an a few ex friends that used personal attacks about my momâs emotional abuse saying I was acting like I was âhigh school mentalityâ because I lied to her when I called in to a job I hated. People like that suck and are not your friends. I personally would block them on everything
She was 100% being a bitch here as you called out. Her counter points were just stupid. Like, besides the Rape analogy she used, the other things are also just, Ugh. Was she trying to get you to use a specific brand or something???? My brain is jumping to hard sell tactics for some hair care MLM where she gets commission. But it likely isn't going off the convo here. Idk. Her words are confusing. Especially over hair stuff. I will mention there are great Wigs out there to get the texture you want if you really to. Just, it's not an option for everyone.
This person is a bitch who knows absolutely nothing about hair. It's not something you can control. And comparing it to rape is freaking insane. Absolutely bonkers behavior. Disgusting. My hair texture is basically if a [chia pet](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&sca_esv=78007b2132e03760&sxsrf=ACQVn09lb-ctxdY3lNqjw7xL8hB6MMqZtw:1710950477821&q=chia+pet&uds=AMwkrPusbb-zUUJ7hx4TQfHQg5VBrjBDIs2My5vunlKb6zY1_VPpD-kYro-CQE4fDOqCw7wMZcvdszgGUXmqL-b0wotTODj5_3pFSULgZnjYioVEzrWjhZa4rwZ3go06RyGd3x_WHlfYjsl0BC2M9jKxeapLBn14akP8bnniqcA-KD7A7ydpAg8DYNXPDI-kToRGw6KsFb-HzOf8VURBKeUiKnA-AscjOVyFXZ0dT5HXj3kzFrtCgelZozF-UzK_0BgHOod3STzL0qL8cpKg1n989rZ2tPyJ055X4j0mgPLbWITH_KHjPlc&udm=2&prmd=ivnmbtz&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiJttWbm4OFAxWLLEQIHStxDA4QtKgLegQIDRAB&biw=384&bih=700&dpr=2.81) became a human. My hair grows straight up and out in all directions and it's curly as all fuck. I have tried for a quarter of a century to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do about my hair, and 3 years ago I just gave up and buzzed it all off. The person you're texting is a moron. Block them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. \*hugs\* if you like hugs, if not then \*air hugs\*
What the actual fuck is her problem. It sure as shit has nothing to do with your hair. Either a major case of projecting going on and sheâs frustrated and need to make changes and see everythingâs possible - not impossible like changing your dna. And you represent friction in her imaginary path to success. OR you have been disagreeing or naysaying about other stuff that can change and sheâs doubling down on her annoyance. As I do have a mate who has a reason for everything and it can make me a bit short. BUT nothing at all like her shitty attitude. Iâd just question with her what the bigger issue is here, and stop splitting hairs over specifics. If she isnât getting anything out of the friendship and taking her frustrations out on you, just say and part ways.
Iâm sorry, actually Iâm not sorry - your friend is a dick
Nope. Not in any way wrong. Your friend on the other hand⌠something is very wrong there.
Your friend is a jerk with that âexcuseâ BS, but there are actually events which will change your hair texture. Almost everyone I know who had cancer treatments that cause you to lose your hair had it grow back completely different. Iâve also heard anecdotes about pregnancy changing peoplesâ hair too. I know my own hair changed during puberty, but that couldâve been genetic because I have that type of blonde hair that darkens with age so it couldâve been something that is associated with that process. Either way these are all things that happen to people as a result of something else, not something done intentionally to permanently change hair texture. I hate people who throw around BS about âexcusesâ especially about something that is both trivial and completely out of your control.
Top comment already answered what I think so I'm just gonna add something else: As someone with medium curly hair that is UNTAMEABLE. I wanted straight hair for such a long time. I would wake up with basically straight hair on one side and a curl ball on the other, and nothing I did would help. Most of the time the hair on top is very curly but the under hair is straight. There are even some haircuts that I think are super cool but I just can't get because I don't have straight hair. It's one of those; "on the other side of the hill" type of things. Embrace your hair babe, I think it's super beautiful <3
Absolutely not! Your reaction absolutely adequate for a behavior like this!
No definitely not
this is insane
Bluediculous. Block this person please đŠ